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00:00Hello. The footage I'm about to show you is of a man I don't recognize. He's a 50-something
00:13Caucasian disc jockey from the Norfolk area and he's a man so out of touch with ordinary people
00:19that he's able to make comments as crass and offensive as these. His name, I'm afraid to say,
00:25is Alan Partridge. I was interviewing some teenagers and was very much on their level.
00:31That was Funky Gibbon by the goodies to show that we are not averse to a little bit of anarchy.
00:36But when one of them accused me of bestial filth. What's that supposed to mean?
00:40That you shag sheep. I literally went berserk. You're a dick calling me a sheep shagger. I think
00:45maybe you're a sheep shagger. Yeah, you're the one that keeps going on. You probably keep sheep
00:47magazines under your bed. Spooning them with your hot balls pushed up against its woolly back.
00:52You're just a bloody chav, chav, chav, chav, chav, chav, chav, chav.
00:58Watching that footage back, it makes me feel pretty crummy. I vowed never to make the same
01:04mistake again. And yet, in an incident that beggars belief, I made a similar mistake the
01:09following night at a golf club dinner.
01:12I was actually chatting with five chavs.
01:14Chavs?
01:14Sorry, I was chatting with five chavs.
01:17Fight chavs?
01:18Not fight chavs. You come here to get away from the chavs. Oh, back to your council houses.
01:24Council houses. Council houses. Council houses. Council houses. Council houses.
01:28I knew I was in trouble.
01:30There's a shitstorm coming my way.
01:33In the days that followed, the footage went viral. And while I hope the person who leaked
01:37it also goes viral, I'm talking about Ebola, the public response was damning.
01:42I was labelled ignorant, pegydist, hateful, and in a comment that chilled me to the bone.
01:48A man who said he'd secretly filmed me taking my trunks off at the David Lloyd Leisure Centre
01:52threatened to use it as revenge porn.
01:56I found myself upbraided by management listeners and a North Norfolk digital producer who doesn't
02:01even work on my show.
02:03And then my sponsors began to walk.
02:05Chaucer's Country Kitchen.
02:07Gone.
02:08NPP escrow.
02:10Gone.
02:11United Farm and Animal Feed.
02:13Wanted to reduce fee.
02:15It was the lowest point of my career.
02:17But was I to blame for society?
02:20Because it seems to me that in this once united kingdom, a schasm has formed.
02:26A schism or a chasm between the haves and the have-nots, or haven'ts.
02:31And that realisation has given me the idea for a uniquely insightful documentary format.
02:36A journey of redemption to the wrong side of the tracks.
02:40Join me as I explore an unreported Britain, inhabited by the very people I had offended,
02:46and, God willing, become a better citizen, a better man, and a better, more sought-after broadcaster.
02:52Welcome to Alan Partridge's Scissor Dial.
03:01It's 8am, and I'm about to spend a week with people from a very different background from myself.
03:15As you can see, I live in pretty salubrious digs.
03:18And while the mortgage crippled me, my name is on the deed, I live here, it's my house.
03:24Anyway, this is the life I'll be leaving behind.
03:38See ya!
03:40So that's the life I'm leaving behind.
03:42But where am I headed?
03:43Well, for the next seven days, I'll be living in one of Britain's most deprived areas.
03:47The spiritual home of the needy Manchester.
03:50You only need to hear the locals speak to realise that this is an area severely handicapped by poverty.
03:56Once a thriving industrial hub, it's today better known for its teeming gay and lesbian scene.
04:02And, coincidence or otherwise, the recent arrival of the BBC in Salford.
04:07Fortunately, I'm accompanied on this journey by my best friend, a chum with real pedigree.
04:13Seldom a pedigree chum, although he only eats boiled eggs.
04:18Slightly apprehensive about the week ahead.
04:22Had a bit of an up and down night.
04:24Er, probably just nerves.
04:26Had my usual anxiety dream.
04:29Stuck in a lift with Diane Abbott.
04:32Stay right.
04:34I am.
04:34From the dawn of the Industrial Revolution to some time in the late 1970s, Britain was the workshop of the world.
04:43For the people of Manchester, employed in cushy jobs, mills and factories, where there was work for mum, dad and even the kids.
04:52It must have seemed like the good times would never end.
04:57But then, China happened.
05:00Nowadays, the boys from Beijing manufacture everything from knock-off pistols to dildos.
05:07And that's hit Britain hard.
05:09So when the UK's manufacturing sector collapsed like a warm Easter egg, where did all the workers go?
05:16Well, today, over a million of them are employed in one of these.
05:20It's called a supermarket.
05:21It's much more than a place to buy cheese, chops, chocs and cheap chicken and chicory and chives.
05:27Hello.
05:28Alan Partridge.
05:29You must be Paul.
05:30Er, it's David.
05:31Right.
05:32This was store manager David Paul.
05:34It really is like an enormous cathedral, isn't it?
05:36Where people come to worship shampoo and grapes.
05:39That's right, yeah.
05:40You don't own the store, do you?
05:41No, I'm the manager.
05:42The manager, of course, yeah.
05:43Absolutely, yeah.
05:44I love the hot flush from the warm air curtain on entry.
05:47David had agreed to let me do a shift in store to experience firsthand what it was like to work on the front line of modern retail.
05:55Have you checked your eggs?
05:57Yeah, just a bit of chicken shit, but we all follow through now and again, don't we?
06:01Men may take all the top jobs in driving and science, but across the UK, women dominate nearly all forms of till-based employment.
06:09But could I, as a man, pass muster or scan mustard?
06:13My wife left me for a fitness instructor.
06:15Morning.
06:16Morning.
06:16Do you want to pop your things on the conveyor?
06:18Don't worry about that.
06:19We're just making a documentary.
06:20Do you want to pop your things on the conveyor belt?
06:22No, not the basket, just the items.
06:26No, well, don't put them on the floor, because you'll have to keep bending down to pick them up.
06:29So just pop them back at the end.
06:31That's all right.
06:32Yeah, but not on the conveyor at the very end.
06:35Okay.
06:36Shall we scan your items?
06:39Okay.
06:41Yeah, well, no, don't bring them to me.
06:42I move them forward like this.
06:44So just, so put the beans back.
06:49No, not in the basket.
06:50Not in the basket.
06:52No, don't bring them to me.
06:54Just put them on the conveyor.
06:55No, back at the end.
06:58No, not in the basket.
07:00Put the beans down on the conveyor belt.
07:02Now, get off.
07:04No, down.
07:05Leave the beans alone.
07:06Not in the basket on the conveyor belt.
07:09Alan.
07:09She's not listening to me.
07:15What are you doing?
07:16But as my shift on the tills wore on, I realised something extraordinary.
07:21I was absolutely brilliant at scanning.
07:24The female side of my brain, long dormant, had somehow been re-triggered.
07:29Some said I was scanning even quicker than Tesco lifer Pat Bevin.
07:33Pat could barely conceal her rage.
07:36It's 24.40, please, love.
07:39Take your time.
07:40Take your time.
07:41Have a very relaxing weekend.
07:43You've got some nice ingredients there.
07:44You go careful there now, my love.
07:46You all right packing?
07:47By entering a form of hyperconcentration, I'd achieved the holy grail of being able to chat
07:52and scan, an almost zen-like state that would give the Dalai Lama a run for its money.
07:57You all right packing?
07:58They call the bags for life, don't they?
07:59But I must have two dozen of them in the boot of the car.
08:02Looking for self-raising flower?
08:03Aisle four, Chuck.
08:04Let's recall the bags for the drive home.
08:06Al, price on Tetley's pack of 40.
08:08Every time I get to the checkout, I'm like, oh, where's me bags for life?
08:12I heard you were always going out with an old bag.
08:14Chance would be a fine thing.
08:15What hour was the flower?
08:16Aisle four.
08:161.19 for the Tetley.
08:18Thanks, Al.
08:19That's 16.90.
08:20You go careful there now, my love.
08:22You all right packing?
08:23These ladies enter this state each and every day, displaying the kind of physical and mental
08:28dexterity we normally associate with fighter pilots.
08:31Check out, women.
08:32The people of Britain salute you.
08:37Well, after some initial doubts, I'm impressed with the working conditions here.
08:42The store itself is clean and well-ventilated, and there seems little chance of workers
08:46succumbing to the kind of chronic lung conditions that blighted the mining community.
08:50All in all, Tesco's are just better than local shops.
08:56But there was one employee who really stuck with me.
09:00There was a quiet dignity to this man.
09:02Without him, the entire car park would look like a drained canal.
09:05And watching him work over the gentle plank of his giant trolley train made me wonder.
09:12Who was he?
09:13Where was he from?
09:15What were his dreams?
09:17What were his fears?
09:18What was his name?
09:20Of course, I'd never know.
09:24All right.
09:25Go round.
09:28Stupid woman.
09:28I later found out his name was Carl, because there are hundreds of Carls.
09:34Not just in supermarkets, but quick fits.
09:37HSS tool hires.
09:38Greggs.
09:40Carls are the backbone of Britain.
09:42Carl's won us the war.
09:44Carl's keep us safe.
09:46Clothed.
09:47Tool hired.
09:49Greggs'd.
09:50Carl's.
09:51Carl's.
09:52Carl's.
09:55Carl's.
09:57Alan Partridge says a dial.
10:02Alan Partridge says a dial.
10:09He's in a bit of a mood, because I've got four pepper armies in the glove box, and he knows.
10:18While Seldom's mind turned to the peppery meat rods he craved, mine turned to the man I'd met, called Carl.
10:26Seldom.
10:26Sorry.
10:27I'm sorry.
10:28Well, we all owe our debts to the Carls of this world.
10:31All too often, the Carls owe our debts to someone else.
10:35Payday lenders.
10:36And for those mad in debt, life can feel an awful lot like this.
10:43For the next leg of my journey, I've come down to the town of Cheadle,
10:46to meet a woman who is being circled by loan sharks, barely afloat on a lilo of debt.
10:52It was only a matter of time before one of them used his teeth to pop it.
10:56She's agreed to talk to me on condition of anonymity,
10:59fearing that being on camera would lead to reprisals from one of the sharks.
11:03In this report, her name has been changed.
11:05Shakira.
11:07Your life has been clattered by debt.
11:10Tell us your story.
11:11Shakira's voice has been modified for her own safety.
11:15I took out the loan to tie me over when I were a bit short.
11:18Just temporary, like, to cover bills.
11:20So this was essential expenditure.
11:22It wasn't as if you were, for want to put a better word,
11:24spaffing the money on new skirts or shoes.
11:27Are you having a laugh?
11:28No way.
11:29But as soon as I fell behind on the payments, I was screwed.
11:32Do you know what I mean?
11:33It just shows it can affect anyone.
11:35I mean, that'll work.
11:36It's not like I'm on the dole or anything.
11:39How do you feel?
11:40I mean, because it's just a money thing, isn't it?
11:42It's just a money thing.
11:43If you could solve that.
11:44Yeah, I know.
11:45I feel like it's the only thing holding me back.
11:47Yeah, I think you would soar like an osprey.
11:51I think so.
11:52I can tell by the expression on your face,
11:53which I'm fortunate enough to...
11:55Do you know the phrase, a face doesn't lie?
11:58No.
11:58It's quite a new one.
12:00So how do you feel now about payday lenders?
12:03I think they're scum.
12:04Yeah, I think they're worse than scum.
12:07I think they're...
12:09I want to say sludge.
12:14It galls me to think I'm going to have to smudge out
12:17that young lady's face.
12:19In fact, I can honestly say that hearing her story
12:22has made me more angry than at any time
12:25since the 9-11 debacle.
12:28That's why I've come here to confront the man
12:30who owns the company that has shat all over her life.
12:33Unlike so many of history's most famous moneylenders,
12:36from Shylock to those guys in the temple
12:38when Jesus went bananas,
12:40this one also turned out to be a man.
12:42Kevin Ruddock, founder of First Person Finance.
12:46First Person Finance declined our request for an interview,
12:49so I've come here to Mr. Ruddock's
12:51comfortable pebbledashed suburban home
12:53to see if we can get some answers.
12:55Kevin Ruddock, First Person Finance.
13:02What is this?
13:03Alan Partridge, Pear Tree Productions.
13:04Do you think it's right that you charge your customers
13:06extortionate rates of interest?
13:08Why do you charge your customers extortionate rates of interest,
13:10Kevin?
13:11Why are you walking away, Kevin?
13:12I'm sure your customers would like to know where you're walking away.
13:14I'm sure your customers would like to know where you're walking past these trees
13:16so they're looking over there for no reason.
13:19Why do you charge your customers extortionate rates of interest?
13:21It's a simple question, Kevin.
13:23You can answer a simple question.
13:24You're a big boy.
13:24You eat your greens.
13:26You tat your own shoelaces, don't you, Kevin?
13:29You eat your crusts.
13:31Answer the question.
13:32You wipe your own bum.
13:34You've always been flat-footed, Kevin.
13:35It's not like you're slapping the pavement with two pieces of hand.
13:39You stink of toothpaste, by the way.
13:41If you just brush your teeth,
13:42you've got a clean mouth.
13:44Why don't you use it?
13:45Why do you charge your customers extortionate rates of interest?
13:48What?
13:51Hey, Kevin?
13:53Why are your cheeks so big?
13:54Get off my car.
13:56Is that where you store your money?
13:57Are you a coin squirrel, Kevin?
14:00Why do you look like a sad teddy?
14:02Why do you look like a sad teddy in a suit?
14:05Not very good at this, are you?
14:06What?
14:07I think you should just stick to radio.
14:09What?
14:10Have any of you at my radio show?
14:11I listen to it every morning, mate.
14:13It's only on in the Norfolk area.
14:15I've got a DAB.
14:17Right.
14:18All right, then.
14:19What's your favorite bloody bit, then?
14:21Lunchtime lunatics.
14:23Yeah, that's mine.
14:25That's my idea.
14:29Look, Kev, just go easy on your rates of interest, okay?
14:34You know, I get it.
14:40You've got a business to run, bills to pay, customers to keep happy.
14:44Yeah, I'm the same.
14:45I run a business, so I understand the pressures.
14:49But, you know, if you can, go easy on your rates of interest, if you can.
14:53I'll take a look at it.
14:55Cheers.
14:55I was now two days into my journey of redemption.
15:11Selden was taking me on a long country walk.
15:13One of his little eccentricities is that if you look him in the eye, he'll attack you.
15:18And as I stopped to explain this to a leggy stranger, something dawned on me.
15:22Selden wasn't the only thing I was avoiding eye contact with.
15:25I've left the grim desperation of Manchester and headed here to Holgarth Hall in the little-known county of Lancashire
15:33to sample the fragrant musk of old money.
15:37For I had realized something.
15:39How could I ever hope to understand the lives of the have-nots if I didn't first understand the lives of the haves?
15:45Or should I say, haven'ts?
15:49Built in centuries gone by, even before Hitler was a little baby,
15:53it's the kind of home which would make Julian Fellowes cream himself.
15:58Holgarth Hall.
16:01Oh, this really is a magical realm.
16:05Half expect a wood nymph for a fawn to appear.
16:08Oh, a baby deer?
16:09No, no, no, the mythical creature.
16:11It's the mind and face of a man grafted to the limbs of a goat.
16:17It sounds awful, but apparently it's Narnian.
16:19Well, next time I'm in a wardrobe, I'll ask the Lion and the Witch if they've seen one.
16:25Ha-ha-ha!
16:27That's brilliant.
16:28Quite brilliant.
16:30You remind me of a super-rich guy I'm quite friendly with.
16:34I don't mean he's super-rich.
16:35I mean he's just a super-rich guy.
16:38But then a lot of them are.
16:39Now, you're a member of the Countryside Alliance, aren't you?
16:44Indeed I am.
16:44Yeah, me too.
16:45I don't have my membership on me, but I stand shoulder to shoulder with our countryside cousins.
16:50Or brothers.
16:51Although, you know, in remote areas are often the same thing, and that's the tragedy.
16:56Do you think that sort of thing still goes on?
16:57No.
16:58Now, let's talk about poverty, because a lot of people, petty people, bitter people, people who vote for the Red Team, say that poverty is the fault of the wealthy.
17:08Now, thick or not, that must rankle.
17:10Although, I can understand it.
17:12You know, I can't pretend that I haven't been given certain advantages.
17:14Almost everything that you can see now, I inherited from my father.
17:18I once inherited a clock.
17:19Beats buying them.
17:20But, with those advantages come certain responsibilities.
17:26The concept of noblesse oblige.
17:29Oui, magnifique.
17:30I knew exactly what he meant.
17:32Like James, I'm not short of a bob or two, and I feel I have a duty to use my wealth and status to help people less fortunate,
17:39such as emceeing an annual charity gala for violent children, sponsored by Taylors of Harrogate.
17:45Just found a Malteser in my waistcoat pocket.
17:47Beautiful embroidery.
18:05This chap up here bears a striking resemblance to how I imagine the father of Brian May would look.
18:14She's gorgeous.
18:18Yeah, that is Lord Sebastian.
18:21Yeah, no, he's, um...
18:25He's still pretty.
18:29Thank you for this time together.
18:33Of course, you don't own a house like this.
18:36You're a custodian.
18:37What a good attitude.
18:40Which is why the house is open to the public.
18:42I'm amazed you do that.
18:44Well, of course, there are certain subsidies.
18:47Right.
18:48Gotcha.
18:49Yeah, trouser it, mate.
18:51And you can't let them run amok.
18:54Equally, we have 50 staff here who rely on the estate for their livelihood, and I'm a great believer in rewarding hard work.
19:02Hmm, but you can incentivise people, I think, too much.
19:05And before you know it, you've got a live wire on your hands who's, you know, suggesting the workers get organised.
19:10Give me a break.
19:11Well, no, we like them lively.
19:12Yeah, but do keep an eye on it, Lord James.
19:17I once had a gardener and a cleaner who came on the same day, and I saw them talking one afternoon, and I thought, hmm.
19:25Hmm, so I just gently eased them into a staggered arrangement.
19:33Would you like to see the estate?
19:34Oh, God, yeah.
19:35What would you like to see?
19:36Oh, um, orangery in the herb garden, please.
19:38Well, come this way.
19:39I must thank you again for making me feel so at home.
19:46It's amazing, isn't it, that you've got this big house, and yet people give you money.
19:50Please don't touch that.
19:51No, God, I never touch doors in Staley Homes, even to open them.
19:55I'll just stand and wait.
19:59Before I left, there was just time for Selden and I to explore the estate.
20:04Come on, Doug.
20:04Well, watching that shepherd corral his sheep into the pen put me in mind of another chap I met earlier
20:20who wrangled a different kind of flock, one made of metal and wheels.
20:25His name was Carl.
20:27For what is a trolleyman but a shepherd of the town?
20:30Could it be that despite our vastly different backgrounds, we aren't so very different after all?
20:36And that what binds us together is so much stronger than what sets us apart?
20:42Right, he's through the fence.
20:44Sell them! Sell them! Sell them!
20:46Oh, fuck, he's got one!
20:49You have to let him eat it.
20:51The next day, I headed back to Manchester.
21:07I wanted to make contact with another unreported group.
21:11You dirty bastard.
21:12A demographic pandered to, but forever claiming victimhood, like young mums in a coffee shop.
21:17My eyes water.
21:18I'm talking about youths.
21:20City.
21:21But these are no ordinary youths keen on Duke of Edinburgh awards and family barbecues.
21:26These are gnarled inner-city youths.
21:29Lawless men and women who make up Britain's street gangs.
21:32And I want to speak with them.
21:36Yet arranging a hook-up wasn't going to be easy.
21:38Then notoriously flighty and deeply suspicious of outsiders.
21:43From my operations nerve centre ten feet below street level, I fire off calls, texts, emails and snapcats trying to find a gang prepared to talk.
21:52But I come up against dead ends, cold leads and rude idiots.
21:55Eventually, through an intermediary, I made contact with a gang from inner Manchester.
22:01And with a little persuasion, they agreed to meet.
22:07It's 7pm.
22:08I'm wearing a stab vest and I've just spotted the gang.
22:11So here goes.
22:13Guys.
22:14A gesture of goodwill.
22:28It's some 200 cigarettes.
22:31Unused.
22:32Mainly Marlborough.
22:33A couple of those in Mayfair.
22:34Some Lamin and Butler.
22:35And 10 chocolate cigarettes.
22:37Because I believe one of you is under 16.
22:39Keep them cigs coming, you know.
22:40Don't worry.
22:41You'll get more than that.
22:41I'll get your cigs and I'll get your booze.
22:44Giving them that big bag of fags had bought me some time, but I was still wary.
22:49Life is cheap on the sink estates of Manchester.
22:51And with a rap sheet that included bicycle theft, fighting, loud ball sports and back chat to constables, this wasn't a crew to be messed with.
22:59There was a film a few years ago with Kevin Costner.
23:01One wrong move from me and things could turn seriously ugly.
23:05He's a pretty respected actor.
23:06They agreed to let me hang out with them and, after strolling up and down this road so we could film them walking in slow motion, the group splintered.
23:17Gavin went to buy oven chips.
23:19Was McCain a nod to cocaine?
23:21The gang wouldn't say.
23:22I knew they didn't trust me.
23:24What I needed was an act of kinship.
23:26Something that would show that I had genuine street cred.
23:29I went for broke.
23:34Do you like that?
23:35Where did you learn to do that?
23:37A wet car park in Kent.
23:38Do you like that?
23:39Do you like it?
23:40Shall I do a J-turn?
23:42Do a J-turn.
23:44It's a 180 in reverse.
23:46It was one of the sickest handbrake turns I'd ever pulled off in a hot hatch.
23:50They agreed to share their experiences with me.
23:52So, Jack, it must be pretty tough growing up in the inner city as a young person.
24:03Is it?
24:04Yeah, it is.
24:06I was using a technique called speak ball.
24:10Can you elaborate?
24:12Basically, it's...
24:13You can only speak when you're holding the speak ball.
24:17Do you understand?
24:18Yeah.
24:20Do you?
24:22Yeah.
24:24Do you?
24:26What was the question?
24:27Do you?
24:27Yeah, right.
24:29Do you understand that?
24:30You can only speak when you're holding a basketball.
24:33It's called the speak ball.
24:35Speak ball is an American counselling technique I'd used on my own son when he went through
24:39a phase of throwing chairs at his teacher, to which I later brought the global rights
24:43in perpetuity.
24:44It was also something I'd incorporated into Forward Solutions, the life coaching programme
24:49devised in the 90s for weak people and dysfunctional sales teams.
24:53Where are you going?
24:54The genius of the idea lies in its combination of order and fun.
24:58That way lies anarchy.
24:59Speak ball, an Alan Partridge brand.
25:01Thanks a lot, guys.
25:02Well done.
25:03Well, we're getting on great now.
25:05And I think the Alan Partridge speak ball system has demonstrated itself as an innovative
25:09and effective way to connect and shows that if you give these lads a chance, they will
25:17open up.
25:18Despite suffering a badly squashed ear, I was actually delighted they'd thrown the b-ball
25:23at me.
25:24It was exactly the kind of friendly hijinks that proved I was now on the inside.
25:30I was even allowed to join their smoking circle.
25:34Where's Buzz?
25:35Is that his gran's?
25:38It is.
25:40A gangland house party and proof I'd been accepted as one of their own.
25:47This was nevertheless a tinderbox of underage booze, suspicious glances and fear of outsiders.
25:52But I managed to blend in by stooping slightly and saying all right instead of hello.
25:58This is an ecstasy pellet.
26:01The guys here told me these change hands for £120 each, although they sold with this one
26:05at a mate's rate of just 70.
26:08It's chilling to think how easily these can fall into the wrong hands, not to mention a
26:13teenage tummy.
26:14I'll be disposing of this on my next toilet visit.
26:18Because so-called recreational drugs have blighted the lives of junky teenagers for years.
26:23From Allard Jones to Zamo to my assistant's nephew, Tim Benfield.
26:28And so dispose of it I did.
26:30But not before checking it was legit by nibbling a corner off like television detectives do.
26:35And whilst this did give me a mild high during which I felt a bit hot and couldn't stop talking
26:39about Lewis Hamilton, it was nothing I couldn't handle.
26:42And I've no regrets about nibbling it whatsoever.
26:44Where are we going now?
26:45In actual fact, I enjoyed a perfectly pleasant evening, meeting new friends, chatting amiably,
26:51and I was still on the dance floor at 8 o'clock the next morning.
26:54At 10 o'clock, I had a meeting with the mayor, which gave me just enough time for a sink wash
26:59and an egg baguette, after which I was back to my old self and ready to get some answers.
27:06What do you think, sorry, do you think there's a growing divide between the haves and the have-nots?
27:12Well, life for the poorest sections of society is incredibly tough.
27:16The challenge for us as a council is to tackle these problems
27:20at a time when our budgets have been cut by central government
27:24and were unable to raise council tax.
27:31What can you tell me about your plan to boost inward investment in the area?
27:35Well, our main aim for Manchester in the next few years is the economy, stupid.
27:40That's a Bill Clinton quote, by the way.
27:42I didn't mean you, Alan.
27:45Lovely.
27:45We believe that over the next five years
27:48we can bring in over £500 million of inward investment to the area.
27:52Right, which I think I'm right in saying
27:54will make Manchester the leading recipient of inward investment of any major...
27:59City in the G8.
28:01Lady Mayor, thank you for speaking to me.
28:07It's my pleasure.
28:08Ha. Mmm.
28:12That's so cold.
28:13I'd enjoyed sparring with a lady Lord Mayor despite having a minor cold, but it was time
28:23to move on and tackle another of the challenges facing underprivileged people in Britain today.
28:27We've all got our favourite kind of bank.
28:30High street, investment, sand and spur.
28:34And while the idea of getting free food sounds superb, we only have to think back to how we all picked on the boy who got free school dinners to realise it's more complicated than that.
28:53Because for the people on the receiving end, it can be a demeaning experience.
28:58But what if there was another way?
29:00Joel Maidment is what is known as a freegan, and while that may sound like a type of Irishman, it's actually a term for someone who finds and eats food thrown away by supermarkets.
29:11Now, when most people picture the kind of person who rummages through bins for food, they imagine a certain type.
29:19Someone who's fallen through the cracks in society.
29:22And yet, this is not the kitchen of a tramp.
29:25Which is rather lovely.
29:27And whilst nothing in here is brand new, that's also sort of part of your philosophy, isn't it?
29:31I noticed when I came in, for example, your TV is fairly old, quite small.
29:35Well, we don't need to watch much TV.
29:37Yeah, I sometimes say that.
29:38Point is, you're comfortably off.
29:40Yes, I guess.
29:41My wife's a lecturer.
29:43Are they all?
29:44But you are a freegan.
29:46You scavenge for free food.
29:48Correct.
29:49Yeah, freegans try and live off what other people throw away.
29:51It's an ethical decision to prevent waste.
29:53So you make good use of the things that you find.
29:56The things that we everyday folk leave behind.
30:00You're a womble.
30:01Well, in Britain, we throw away six million tonnes of food every year.
30:11And much of it is in very good condition.
30:13So I think, as a society, we should feel ashamed of that.
30:16I'm just as guilty.
30:18There's a burger van on the A47.
30:20I always order the half-pounder.
30:24But do I get through the second party?
30:26No.
30:29I just fist it into a discarded coffee beaker and pop it in a canal.
30:34Well, I think...
30:36So you would eat anything within reason?
30:39Within reason, yeah.
30:39For example, an egg mayonnaise sandwich still in its wrapping.
30:42Yeah, if it's still in its wrapping, I'll eat that.
30:44Okay.
30:45A plastic bottle of iron brew, but the top's been chewed.
30:49Yes.
30:50By a rat.
30:51If the seal hasn't been broken, I would drink that.
30:54An egg in a sock.
30:56Yes, I mean, if food looks good, it generally is good.
30:59Okay, an egg still in its shell.
31:01Looks fine, but it's from the 90s.
31:05Well, maybe.
31:10A condom full of grapes.
31:15Yes.
31:16You need to sort yourself out, mate.
31:18Well, it's one of the coldest nights of the year,
31:20and I'm about to go on a scavenge with Joel.
31:23I'm wearing a head-mounted GoPro camera exactly the same sort worn by US Navy SEALs
31:29when they assassinated Osama bin Laden.
31:32And I'm hoping to find a bin laden with food.
31:35Let's freegan!
31:37This skip here is just jam-packed food.
31:39Right.
31:39So it's like a garage full of food, doesn't it?
31:41It actually reminds me of Moira Stewart's garage.
31:45Hers was full of snacks during a low point in her life.
31:48She survived for a year on quavers, Cheetos and Pringles.
31:51Really?
31:51Yeah, she's got scurvy.
31:53Actually, she told me that in confidence, so...
31:55Oh, I won't say anything.
31:56So, yeah, get that ladder there, go up there, and you can get into, uh...
32:00I mean, it's basically self-sufficiency, isn't it?
32:02Yeah.
32:02You know, it's like they say, give a man fish, he eats for a day,
32:06give him a fishing rod.
32:07Yeah, he'll probably come back the next day saying,
32:09you know, that fishing rod you gave me, go on, can I have another?
32:13What happened to the one I gave you?
32:16Oh, I sold it.
32:17Let me guess, to buy some skag.
32:18No, to buy some fish, I was hungry.
32:21Did it not occur to you that you could have used the fishing rod to catch some fish?
32:25Oh, I haven't got a permit, and I don't know how to get one.
32:27Google it!
32:28When did this happen?
32:30Hmm?
32:31Oh, it didn't.
32:32It's just a generic, annoying man who lives inside my mind.
32:36A head squatter.
32:36I don't mean a dominatrix.
32:39I mean...
32:40Oh, shit!
32:44Wait, wait, where are you going?
32:45I thought we were allowed!
32:54I think the noise that you can hear out there was a security guard.
33:00Whilst technically we weren't breaking the law by being out there,
33:04security guards tend to have a bit of a chip on their shoulder
33:06and no qualifications.
33:08That's quite a combination.
33:10Oh, my God, I think I can head and lock in the doors.
33:12Shit.
33:14Come on, come on.
33:18Come on.
33:19Come on!
33:20Hello?
33:21Come on, please.
33:22As I pummel the shutter,
33:24I catch sight of a figure through a crack in the corrugated door.
33:27I can see someone out there.
33:29Hello?
33:31Man!
33:33He's not responding.
33:34Chav!
33:36I'm deliberately trying to rile him,
33:38get him to respond that way.
33:40Chav, man!
33:42Fat boy!
33:44You, stop just standing there!
33:46I was later to discover that the figure I'd seen
33:55was nothing more than a cardboard cutout of a Nolan sister
33:58holding some activia.
34:00I'll report you!
34:01I am trapped.
34:03A long part of it says a thial.
34:09A long part of it says a thial.
34:13I'm locked in a warehouse because a man who goes on about ethics
34:16deserted me to save himself.
34:19Funny old world.
34:20He could find a banquet in a bin bag,
34:22but couldn't find real balls in his own ball bag.
34:25It was now three hours since my last meal,
34:31and while Joel the freegan was probably tucking into chicken soup,
34:35chicken pie and lily-livered pate,
34:37the man was a coward,
34:38I was becoming dangerously hungry.
34:40Now, normally I carry a Snickers bar concealed in my bicep pocket.
34:45Some people think that water is more important.
34:47Wrong.
34:48Bear Grylls, Christian Hardman,
34:50told me that you can always drink your own urine,
34:53but when you're hungry,
34:55you want to eat a Snickers.
34:58Unfortunately, my bad assistant has washed the fleece
35:01without checking for contents,
35:03and the pocket now contains a flaky chocolate brick
35:05and handfuls of nut dust.
35:07Then a brainwave.
35:09Special forces are trained to think outside of the box.
35:12If I could get some of this food outside of the box,
35:14or its box, I could survive.
35:17I struck gold with what I can only describe
35:20as a cross-section of an egg and ham slice.
35:22I can only describe as a kind of a cat scan
35:25of a square Scotch egg,
35:26and I know that if I eat two of those,
35:29and four wagon wheels...
35:31Looking back, I can see that the GoPro's fisheye lens
35:34has made me look grotesque.
35:36Put this image on my Tinder profile,
35:38and it will be a barren few months indeed.
35:41This is the picture I use on Tinder.
35:43PHONE RINGS
35:44Being here is unsettling.
35:50I am gripped by a lonely introspection,
35:52like Andrew Neil on the train,
35:54or an elephant at Chester Zoo.
35:57In the 80s, I once climbed onto the roof of a bus shelter
36:00to rescue a cuddly lion.
36:01I had one for Carol at a funfair.
36:03Some boys had thrown it up there.
36:04This is when I was still married to her.
36:09I felt like I could do anything when I was married to Carol.
36:21But danger is looming,
36:23because like Carol,
36:24the warehouse had grown incredibly cold and unloving.
36:28It's absolutely freezing in here.
36:30I've not been this cold
36:31since I had to dial 999
36:33after I did the ice bucket challenge.
36:35I begin to panic,
36:36running up and down
36:37in a futile attempt to keep warm.
36:39My extremities are now stinging.
36:41Unless I find a way to warm up soon,
36:43I'll be dead by morning.
36:44Just another one of the ghosts
36:46that haunts the aisles and corridors of this facility.
36:50Like the one I witnessed
36:51when watching back CCTV footage
36:52from the warehouse cameras.
36:54What was this glowing figure?
36:57This strange spectral form?
36:58It took me a full ten seconds
37:00before I remembered that it was me.
37:03In my desperation to keep warm,
37:05I'd used packing material and box tape
37:07to fashion what most people would describe
37:09as a classic bubble wrap double gown and cowl.
37:12Well, I'm warm as toast.
37:15Unfortunately, I look like
37:16the bastard love child
37:18of a bubble wrapped honey monster
37:19and some sort of demented Scottish widow.
37:23Horrific thought,
37:25the honey monster
37:25forcing himself on a Scottish widow.
37:29And she's been through enough.
37:32The lovely bubbly warmth
37:34is just the fillip I need
37:35in the minutes before the warehouse
37:36is due to open.
37:38Unfortunately, it turns out
37:39the warehouse is closed at weekends
37:41and it is to be another 51 hours
37:44before I am discovered,
37:45by which time my mental state
37:47has become fragile.
37:49What are you doing?
37:50I'm not a weird thief.
37:53Seize fire!
37:54Seize fire!
37:55It's the bubble wrap!
37:56Seize fire!
37:57Hold the fire!
37:59It's the noise of the bubble wrap.
38:04Oh yeah.
38:05What have you done
38:06with your fucking clothes?
38:07We're folded up over there.
38:09I genuinely feel
38:18I've emerged a changed man
38:19and one who's undergone
38:21a conversion every bit
38:22as dramatic
38:23as St Paul
38:24on the road to Damascus
38:25and a good deal safer.
38:27Try to convert to Christianity
38:28on the roads
38:29of modern day Syria
38:30and you'd be bundled
38:31into a car
38:32by the bad bastards
38:33of ISIS
38:34forced to read
38:35a prepared statement
38:36on YouTube
38:37and they're beheaded
38:38by a 10-year-old.
38:41Unspeakable man
38:41and a horrible boy.
38:44It was time for me
38:45to become a better man
38:47starting with an apology
38:48I should have made
38:49some time ago
38:50to the very person
38:51who'd started me off
38:52on this journey
38:53the chap I'd so grossly offended
38:55Marvin.
38:57It was time to make amends.
38:59So I've prepared a statement
39:00that I will be reading to
39:03Marvin
39:04Marvin
39:04to make sure
39:07that the apology
39:07is unequivocal
39:09and sure that that happens.
39:11I, Alan Partridge
39:11of Sound Mind
39:12do humbly state
39:13that I'm sorry
39:13if you felt offended
39:15or were offended.
39:18I was under a lot
39:19of pressure at the time
39:19because the woman I loved
39:20had decided she no longer
39:21felt similarly towards me.
39:23Nevertheless,
39:24I was wrong
39:24to imply that you have
39:25feelings for sheep
39:26or if you do
39:27that you give physical expression
39:28to those feelings
39:28through Ovine Congress.
39:31I also regret
39:32shoving you in the car park.
39:33That was another thing
39:33that happened.
39:34And calling you a chav.
39:36A horrible pejorative term
39:37that should be consigned
39:37to the museum
39:38of no longer acceptable words
39:39like strumpet,
39:40Nancy boy or paki.
39:42Paki or chinky?
39:43Paki.
39:43Paki.
39:44I apologise unreservedly.
39:49Equally, I'm sure
39:50there are a number
39:50of things about that day
39:51that you'd like
39:52to reflect on too.
39:54At that point,
39:54as a peace offering,
39:56I'll offer to take him
39:57to Chapelfield Shopping Centre
39:58for a fizzy drink
39:59and a sandwich.
40:01Do kids still drink sandwiches?
40:04Eat fizzy drinks?
40:05Well...
40:07Well, unfortunately,
40:15Marvin was a no-show,
40:17which is a shame,
40:18but I wanted to have my say,
40:20so I texted him
40:21my statement
40:22slash apology
40:23and he has responded
40:24with an emoji
40:25of a sheep.
40:27I don't know if you can see that there.
40:29Hard to know what that means.
40:30If it's a humorous comment,
40:32fine.
40:33If it's a rehashing
40:34of his original
40:35sheep-shagging comment,
40:36then I shan't dignify it
40:37with a response
40:38in much the same way
40:39that David Cameron
40:40deftly swatted away
40:42those rather scurrilous rumours.
40:43I don't know if you remember
40:44there was a suggestion
40:45that David put his cock
40:46in a pig's mouth,
40:47which in any case
40:48should be seen
40:48in the context
40:49of his many great achievements,
40:52such as tax breaks
40:53for big business.
40:54One in the eye
40:55for the tax man.
40:57Well, there's no suggestion
40:58that he put it there.
41:00Well, I may not be able
41:11to set the record straight
41:12with Marvin,
41:13but just because
41:13one disadvantaged teenager
41:14wanted to act a prick,
41:16it didn't mean
41:16I couldn't reach out
41:17to others,
41:18and I knew exactly
41:19who to call.
41:20Their names were Gavin,
41:21Mark, Riley, Darren,
41:22and another Gavin.
41:25Come on, lads.
41:28Darren,
41:29put your hivies on, mate.
41:31It's in French,
41:31it's Scottish, man.
41:32I know, but it's insurance reasons.
41:34Come on.
41:35Why do you want me
41:35looking like a melon for, though?
41:36Been through this.
41:37Yes, in their own sullen way,
41:39I sensed that these boys
41:41had never felt more alive.
41:43Who's for a swig of bovril?
41:45What's that?
41:46Bovril?
41:48Basically, beef tea.
41:50Do you like hot salt drinks?
42:01We stomped up hills
42:02and scrambled across Scree,
42:04and the only brain-altering highs
42:05they were allowed this time
42:07were the kind of geological facts
42:09that would give them flashbacks
42:10for the rest of their lives.
42:12Those rock formations up there
42:14were formed from the fossilized shells
42:16of dead sea creatures.
42:18So if you think about it,
42:19the entire Peak District
42:20is one enormous scampy graveyard.
42:23Pretty cool, yeah?
42:25Come on, let's take a closer look.
42:27I don't believe in reincarnation,
42:30but if I have had a previous life,
42:32it would probably be
42:33as one of Britain's
42:34leading geography teachers.
42:36If you'd have suggested
42:38that after making this documentary,
42:40my life would have been put into perspective
42:41by five teenagers from Manchester,
42:44I would have pushed you into some bushes.
42:46And yet here we are.
42:48Because while these lads
42:50weren't going to win any awards
42:51for Greek or Latin,
42:53they'd get an A-plus
42:54if there was a BTEC in fun.
42:57And as I hurtled through the air,
42:58feeling calm and relaxed,
43:00I found myself looking back
43:01on what had been by any measure
43:03an incredible journey.
43:05And whilst you're not going
43:06to convince everyone,
43:07it was clear I'd achieved
43:09genuine redemption.
43:11I was cleansed,
43:12absolved,
43:13perhaps even at peace.
43:15Could this be the time
43:16to sink back
43:17into the deep, dark depths
43:19of obscurity,
43:20to bow out gracefully?
43:22Or maybe,
43:24just maybe,
43:26the time to emerge
43:27renewed,
43:29reborn,
43:30resurrected.
43:31Not just a better man,
43:33but a better,
43:34more sought-after broadcaster.
43:36A woman I know
43:37who's a Baptist
43:38wept when she saw
43:39these pictures,
43:40as I suspect
43:41many of you are now.
43:43All that remains
43:44is for me
43:45to bid you a fond farewell.
43:47For I must go now,
43:50back to my flock,
43:51certain to be welcomed
43:52with open arms
43:53by listeners,
43:55YouTube commentators,
43:56and sponsors alike.
43:58Goodbye.
43:59Or should I say,
44:00au revoir.
44:02Goodbye.
44:03get out,
44:10get out,
44:10get out,
44:11get out.
44:15Load up a gun
44:22to bring your friend
44:24it's fun to lose
44:26and to pretend.
44:33You
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