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00:00the weather is unusually inclement for the time of year let us hope it is so
00:09in Leningrad Ivan Adrian you are an old friend of Squiffy yes yes he was my
00:19tutor at Cambridge Cambridge it's good very good tell me what do you do in
00:26England I'm a freelance sculptor very good you know of course what this will
00:34entail yes yes I do there's no going back you know no
00:45excellent we'll leave for Moscow tonight wonderful I think I'll be the best spy
00:54you've ever had spy spy no boyfriend of mine goes out to work
01:24and unemployment while displeasing no one in the meantime I take it like a shot
01:37if there were a way to beat inflation and unemployment while displeasing no one in
01:49the meantime I'd take it like a shot
01:53well well she was certainly game for a lot
02:06well moving on moving on uh here's a little tale that certainly had me up to my eyes in it
02:24I'm standing outside the house of Jeffrey Lewis's house now Jeffrey has always complained about his
02:31wife and the fact that he can't get a word in edgeways because she never stops talking so
02:36earlier today we had game for a laugh came round to his house and cut his wife's head off
02:41now I hear through my ears that Jeffrey's just coming round the corner so let's see if Jeffrey Lewis's game for a laugh
02:52let's hope he doesn't recognize me he's arrived he's getting out of the car now
03:05and he's going up to the front door
03:10yes yes I think he's found her let's go and see if Jeffrey Lewis's game for a laugh come on
03:23hello Jeffrey oh god oh god Jeffrey can I ask you why you're looking so perturbed
03:32my wife the head right
03:37you knew yes Jeffrey we knew but what you didn't know was that a couple of weeks ago your wife rang us
03:45up and said you'd be the sort of fella who was came for a laugh
03:50oh I don't believe it
03:54oh great
03:58oh this is unbelievable
04:00you mean you guys cut her head off
04:03that's right
04:03and I came out and you're
04:05what a bunch of loonies
04:09great
04:09just wait till I tell the wife
04:12just wait till I tell my brother he's coming round this afternoon
04:16we love your shirt Jeffrey doesn't know is that Sarah's prepared a little reception for his brother
04:22we couldn't let you go we couldn't let you go without without you choosing a game for a laugh award
04:35what Jeffrey doesn't realize is that only one of the boxes actually contains the game for a laugh award
04:41the other three boxes contain a man trap a tarantula and a bucket of nitric acid
04:48and he's chosen the right one
04:50the meat pizza
04:52where to make the next decision
05:09come on come on come on you'll have to do it by yourself one day
05:15you won't have me here to help you
05:17come on you have a try
05:19no um
05:22I'm not so hot on the on the practical side actually
05:25not so hot good god man you come from guys don't you
05:28no I'm from the Sunday Times
05:30what
05:32well I'm writing an article
05:34if you remember
05:35yes
05:37alright well you have a go
05:38no he's my photographer
05:41good god man
05:42you
05:47world in action
05:49is there anyone here at all with more than a passing acquaintance to the practice of open heart surgery
05:54um
05:55well I was assistant cameraman on all creatures great and small
05:58you
05:59caravanning and camping magazine
06:02I want everybody not directly associated with this operation to leave the theatre
06:07yeah thank you
06:08yeah thank you
06:08yeah thank you
06:08yeah I can get all in a bit of peace now
06:11this is Joan Thurkettle
06:16news of 10
06:17there is growing concern at Buckingham Palace about the hereditary shrinking disease which is affecting the royal family
06:39apparently it is now possible to fit four of them into one pram
06:43the GPO today unveiled Tom
06:49its new speaking cock service
06:51and commenting on last week's disclosures about overcrowding in prisons
06:57Mrs. Thatcher says that long-term inmates should be given the opportunity to buy their own selves
07:03and in part two we have exclusive film of Britain's latest transplant donor
07:08well hello and tonight I'm talking to Billy Connolly
07:23a well-known Scottish comedian
07:25Billy I understand that when you first came to England
07:31people had a lot of trouble understanding your accent
07:35people had a lot of trouble understanding your accent
07:38is that right?
07:39sorry?
07:40brad? brad? brad? brad?
07:45brad?
07:46brad?
07:47can we have the brad's parents now please?
07:49brad?
08:02brad?
08:06Bye.
08:07Thanks for coming.
08:08Bye.
08:09Say hello.
08:10Bye.
08:11Bye.
08:12Bye.
08:36Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
08:41It's a week since my last confession.
08:44Father?
08:45Are you there, Father?
08:47Father Patrick is out at the moment.
08:49You can leave your confession by speaking clearly through the door.
08:52And he'll forgive you when he gets back.
08:55Please speak after the tone.
08:57I'm a gay Christian.
09:01No, it's all right.
09:03I mean, I don't mind.
09:04I don't mind at all.
09:05And if homosexuality is your thing, if that's the bag you're into, then that's great.
09:15Fantastic.
09:16I mean, don't be ashamed.
09:21Whatever you do, I mean, stand up.
09:23Come out of the toilet, as the phrase has it.
09:30And stand up and say, I am tempted to be a homosexual.
09:41And you may even decide after much prayer to enter into a committed and tempted relationship with a member of the same genital group.
09:59And if you do, and you feel you can do nothing about it, and you've been to a psychiatrist, and you've had aversion therapy, and you've tried tying metal wits to your private house, and you still feel these tendencies, then I'm afraid it means that God just wants you to have a rotten life.
10:24God just proves how blind and stupid Dennis and his party are.
10:34You know, I wonder if you know anything about economics at all.
10:37Mr. Robbins, your view?
10:38Well, now that Michael has allowed me to get a word in, I must say I've never heard such rubbish, and to think that this man is in the government is quite frightened.
10:44I resent that snide remark.
10:45It's exactly the kind of thing I have come to expect from your kind of politician.
10:48My kind of politician?
10:49If only the public knew to what depth some people would stoop when they enter the house.
10:52This, this is the kind, this is the kind of politician who will, will be greatly missed.
11:04A great, a great parliamentarian of our time, and a close personal friend.
11:12I am heartless.
11:13that's perfect
11:14maths
11:16та
11:28It's something on your standing, some people called him mad, but any friend on Hitler's can't have been oh bad.
11:37Handsome as Richard Burton
11:39Cos I've seen him on the box once with his black shirt on
11:44And though I cannot claim to be any great authority
11:49As far as I'm concerned, the sun shone out of his orat tree
11:54We've got another great dictator, given half a chance
11:59But they treat him like a traitor, so he went to live in France
12:07Baronet, Oswald, Arnold, Mosley
12:10Baronet, Oswald, Arnold, Mosley
12:15This is what the papers all say
12:17Genuinely genius, Australian, the unemployed and other underdogs
12:21Dynamic and handsome, popular, gifted and a natural leader
12:26Brilliant man in the commons, compassionate and humane
12:30A man of genuine courage, turning for a leadership
12:35Thought to have been the most handsome and gifted British political leader of the 20th century
12:41Brilliant debater, gifted, lucid and compassionate
12:44he was
13:11Square bashing can be a pretty dirty job, as any caring sergeant major knows.
13:20So we offered to do the army's washing for a week.
13:24We washed the Durham Light Inventory in New Biological Zack.
13:29And the Brigade of Guards in another well-known brand.
13:35And the results speak for themselves.
13:41APPLAUSE
13:53Now, look!
13:55Oh, Brickshaw, it's you.
13:57I've just been informed that you have arbitrarily terminated the employment of Brother Jameson in the print room.
14:03Is this true, Rogsley? He was...
14:04Without, I might add, any consultation whatsoever with either the convener, the Joint Shop Stewards Committee or myself.
14:12Why was this man dismissed, Rogsley?
14:14He was dead, sir.
14:17Dead?
14:18Yes, he was found dead at his machine.
14:23How did he die?
14:25Peacefully in his sleep.
14:27I have the death certificate here.
14:30Well, I really can't see the problem. I mean, if Jameson's dead, then we really...
14:32Not officially.
14:34Look, it quite categorically states in the Working Practices Manual, death shall be deemed to have occurred when and only when rigor mortis takes place.
14:44I thought we'd agreed on brain death.
14:45No, if you remember, sir, the union felt that brain death might prejudice the status of their living members.
14:51Oh.
14:53Well, so how long ago did this man die?
14:56Brother Jameson became subject to involuntary immorabilisation about 18 weeks ago.
15:0318 weeks?!
15:04Could Lord rigor mortis must have set him by now?
15:06Well, it hasn't.
15:08No, sir. Mr Brickshaw had the body strapped to one of the central heating radiators.
15:11Frickshaw, safety reasons, I'm afraid, I could not allow my members to take the risk of slipping in the ooze that was emanating from my member.
15:21Ooze?!
15:22Oh, my God, the body must be absolute!
15:23Oh, and that's another thing.
15:25We'll need complete sets of breathing apparatus in the print room, new air conditioning and, I would suggest, triple wages for Brother Jameson,
15:33who throughout this difficult period has been available for work on a three-shift basis.
15:38Well, there's one more thing.
15:40What's that?
15:41Could he have next Thursday afternoon off?
15:50Have you got the torque wrench, Bob?
15:51No, no, Bob.
15:53I think Bob's got it.
15:54Bob?
15:55Yes, Bob?
15:56Have you got Bob's torque wrench?
15:58No, Bob, I haven't.
15:59Hasn't Bob got it?
16:00No, Bob, I haven't.
16:01Oh, hang on, hang on.
16:02Bob's got it.
16:03Bob?
16:04Yes, Bob?
16:05Bob says you've got the torque wrench.
16:06Bob?
16:07No, Bob.
16:08Oh, sorry, Bob.
16:09Bob's got it.
16:10Bob?
16:11Yes, Bob?
16:12No, not you, Bob.
16:13Bob?
16:14Bob, have you got Bob's torque wrench?
16:15No, Bob.
16:16Bob must have it.
16:17Bob!
16:18Oh, look, Bob, you said you had it down here.
16:21Bob, I've never had it yesterday.
16:23I'm letting you go, Bob.
16:25Can you ask Bob for a down?
16:27Bob.
16:28The new BL Ambassador.
16:29And built by Roberts.
16:32Yeah.
16:33Move, Bob.
16:34Go.
16:35You gave me.
16:35Cheers.
16:36Go away.
16:37Come on.
16:38Sometimes he is pronto for money.
16:39Come on.
16:40Then we'll go where he's origami.
16:41Follow me, then.
16:42Oh, wait.
16:43Please let me.
16:44Ariel!
16:48laughs
16:50.
16:53Excuse me, madam.
17:09I've got reason to believe you've been shoplifted.
17:12That's a dreadful lie. How dare you?
17:23We apologise for the late arrival of the 1430 from York.
17:36And for the very, very late arrival of the 1820 of the 1430 from London.
17:42And a British Rail Catering Manager has been dismissed
17:45after he was caught loading a train
17:47with more than the regulation amount of sausage rolls.
17:50Mr. Kurt Waldheim has decided to resign as head of the United Nations
17:58so that he can concentrate on running his brother-in-law's launderette.
18:03And as the tension mounts for Ginny Carter,
18:06his doctors warn him to cut down on his daily intake of tranquilizers.
18:10I said, wait, there's someone here from Mishla.
18:19From Mishla?
18:20Well, over there in the corner.
18:29Which one?
18:30Do you want your kids to glow in the dark?
18:47Then move to Windscale.
18:49And who's this little fella, then?
18:59This is Shane Edmonds from 3B.
19:01Shane, this is the chairman of the Board of Governors.
19:03Well, now, Shane, what do you want to do when you grow up?
19:06Nothing.
19:06Nothing?
19:07Nothing.
19:07Nothing, except going to discos, hanging around pubs,
19:12drink, making lots of money.
19:14Ah.
19:16Well, nothing changes to me.
19:18I wanted to be a train driver when I was his age.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21After a really excellent move.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:50What better way to enjoy pleasant company
19:54than with a really good cigar?
19:56I always smoke Macbeth,
19:59made from the finest Havana tobaccos.
20:02Long.
20:03Excuse me.
20:04And incredibly mild.
20:05Is Harry all right?
20:06Yeah.
20:07He seems to be talking to the wall.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:08You've plundered the jungles of Brazil
20:12to bring you cocoa beans down in Brazil.
20:16And from Shopsha Meadows comes the milk to make.
20:20After all.
20:21Elizabeth Dudgeon's...
20:24...
20:26where's the fire then
20:39what do you mean
20:42blow into this bag would you
20:46no you're not trying are you come on blow come on
20:55and please have warned the public to be on their guard against a new gang of
21:17pickpockets currently operating in central london
21:24entertainment and barry manilow's agent told reporters today why the singer
21:30refused to sleep in a single bed at a brighton hotel last week
21:34barry prefers a double bed he explained because it stops his nose hanging over
21:38the sun
21:39the pounding and pounding of the cannon is like the pounding in my heart
21:48and even though the verse has just begun it's time for the chorus to start
21:57because i'm wet and lonely standing in the rain and i'm loving my eyes out rubbing your thighs out of my mind
22:12but they came back again
22:21see if you remember this one
22:22i'm ready to try again with you
22:28though twice in the night's more than i usually can do
22:34and when you're around magic fills the air
22:44and when you go i'm plunged into despair
22:52despair this pair of hands is all i've got to do
22:59i can say girl ain't that funny
23:04and you you're the only reason that i've got to live
23:11if there's only you girl and of course money
23:17la la la pancake
23:20la la la la
23:22hey
23:23la la la la
23:25party
23:27la la pancakes again
23:30because i'm wet and lonely
23:35waiting lonely
23:37in the loneliness that is your lonely door
23:44along with the lonely girl
23:47that is me
23:52and you
23:54there's nothing girl we could do
24:00just you
24:03together with me
24:07and the man in the attic makes three
24:12that's me
24:26come home to a real fire
24:29buy a cottage in wales
24:32laughter
24:34applause
24:35applause
24:35applause
24:36applause
24:37applause
24:38applause
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