- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Big N' Bob's Big Night Out.
00:20Thanks.
00:24Hello, hello, yes, yes, no, no.
00:28We saw it in the papers.
00:32Hello, hello, yes, yes, no, no.
00:43We saw it in the papers.
00:45Yuck, yuck, yuck.
00:47Blue pipe, yellow pipe, red pipe, yellow pipe, blue pipe, yellow pipe, red pipe, yellow pipe, green pipe, white pipe, white pipe, yellow pipe, yellow pipe, kick, roll.
00:54We saw it in the papers.
00:56Yuck, yuck, yuck.
00:58Oi! Good evening!
01:00Good evening, everyone.
01:02Good evening, everyone.
01:03Brush, kick, roll.
01:05Ho-ho!
01:08Good evening, Chief Inspector.
01:10Good evening to you as well, Norman.
01:12You look beautiful like a smart bush.
01:15You really do.
01:16I'm in a good mood tonight.
01:17Yeah.
01:18You know why?
01:19My Uncle Brian just had a new baby!
01:21Woo!
01:22Yeah, he said, would you like to wind him?
01:24Yeah.
01:25I said, that's a bit harsh, isn't it?
01:26I'll just dead leg him instead.
01:28There he goes.
01:29It was only a matter of time.
01:31Smoking always does that to me.
01:35Hey, talking of babies.
01:36Yeah, shall we?
01:37He's a funny one.
01:38He's an unusual incident.
01:39Yeah.
01:40Right?
01:41My wife was in labour, right, so I phoned up my doctor.
01:42I said, the wife's in labour, the contractions are coming really quickly.
01:43You know what should I do?
01:44Yeah.
01:45And he says, is this a first child?
01:46I said, no, this is her husband.
01:47LAUGHTER
01:48LAUGHTER
01:49That's a matter of time.
01:50Smoking always does that to me.
01:52Hey, talking of babies.
01:53Yeah, shall we?
01:54He's a funny one.
01:55He's an unusual incident.
01:56Yeah.
01:57Right?
01:58My wife was in labour, right, so I phoned up my doctor.
02:00I said, the wife's in labour, the contractions are coming really quickly.
02:03You know what should I do?
02:04Yeah.
02:05And he says, is this a first child?
02:07I said, no, this is her husband.
02:09LAUGHTER
02:10LAUGHTER
02:11BUMP
02:19BUMP
02:20BUMP
02:21BUMP
02:22BUMP
02:23BUMP
02:24BUMP
02:25BUMP
02:31Hey, we're talking about, hey, that reminds me, me wife was in labour just before we came on.
02:35Oh, she was? No, it arrived.
02:37What?
02:38Oh, what's it said here, huh?
02:40There you go.
02:41Oh, look at that.
02:42Yeah.
02:43It's a baby, yeah.
02:45Yeah.
02:46I don't get to buy her a girl.
02:47It's human.
02:48Yes, I think so, yeah.
02:49Oh, this, oh, Vic, man.
02:51Some bad news, though.
02:53What?
02:54Your wife didn't make it.
02:56Well, bring me the one she did make, then.
02:59LAUGHTER
03:00BUMP
03:01BUMP
03:02BUMP
03:03BUMP
03:04BUMP
03:05BUMP
03:06BUMP
03:07BUMP
03:08BUMP
03:09BUMP
03:10BUMP
03:11BUMP
03:12BUMP
03:13BUMP
03:14BUMP
03:15BUMP
03:16BUMP
03:17BUMP
03:18BUMP
03:19BUMP
03:20BUMP
03:21BUMP
03:22BUMP
03:23BUMP
03:24BUMP
03:25BUMP
03:26BUMP
03:27BUMP
03:28BUMP
03:29BUMP
03:30BUMP
03:31BUMP
03:32BUMP
03:33BUMP
03:34BUMP
03:35Wesley, what's it? Who sold me Volvo?
03:37Yeah, what this is from the Bible? Yeah, do to others what you're not don't do not what they do
03:44Oh
03:46Yeah, you said Jesus had a Volvo. Yeah, apparently so anyway, this is nothing. This is just something about your
03:54Cutty about your call on have you call on? Yeah about your call on and got one of them. Oh, that's what it says
04:01All right
04:03So you're all right
04:05Thanks anyway, we bear crack on. Oh, I'm off to KFC. I'm gonna get like a massive bucket
04:13There's some chips and corn on the cob. Hey come in. Yeah, I'm not good. I wasn't asking you
04:22Well, you haven't you know in front of screw fix that patch of grass the grass. Yeah, yeah, I'll come with you
04:27Yeah, hey, I tell you what when we've had it we can lift the drains up and get in them. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, defo
04:32Yeah, what can I come? No, no, oh, well you should have said you were lifting the drains up
04:39Your problem
04:57Caravan park the new album from Mulligan and O'Hare
05:12300 new songs to ease you through those difficult caravan breaks in the UK
05:17Including the dance sensation tippy-toes
05:21Tippy-toes
05:23Tippy-toes
05:25Tippy-toes
05:27Everybody's doing it cuz everyone knows
05:29It's the brand new place from Birmingham
05:31Everybody's doing it cuz everyone can
05:35Tippy-toes
05:37Tippy-toes
05:39Everybody's doing the tippy-toes
05:41The erotic masterpiece ready for love
05:46I'm ready for love
05:50I'm wanting your touch
05:54I need it so much
05:58Tonight
06:00He's ready for love
06:04He's looking for help
06:06He's looking for love
06:08He's looking for honey
06:10He's wanting his grip
06:12He's wanting his grip
06:14And it could be you
06:16The unbearable pyjama party
06:20At night when I'm alone
06:22And I cannot sleep
06:24I take my bedside flannel
06:26And give O'Hare a wash
06:28At night when I'm alone
06:30And I cannot sleep
06:32I take my bedside flannel
06:34And give O'Hare a wash
06:36And he goes
06:38Bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk
06:39Sing and make it pop
06:40Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop
06:41Pop, pop, pop
06:42But there's plenty of room on top
06:44Final letter land
06:45Yeah!
06:46An ode to family with
06:48Our Brother Barry
06:50Our Brother Barry
06:52He died when he was 11
06:54In the terrible winds of 1987
06:58His heart blew off
06:59And he tried to get it back
07:00He died when he fell
07:01From a little red sack
07:02Toot toot
07:04The terrifying admission
07:06Monster Cage
07:08We built this cage
07:10For a monstrous child
07:11It can't be said
07:12Free in a community
07:13Because it's such a monstrous
07:15Hullible thing
07:16And the military misery
07:19Of Horse Reared Up
07:21The Horse Reared Up
07:22The Horse Reared Up
07:23After the Policeman's Parade
07:25Everybody panics
07:27My mother dropped a sandwich
07:29When the Horse Reared Up
07:31After the Policeman's Parade
07:33We should have stayed at home
07:35And watched it on our phone
07:37The day the horse flies up
07:39After the Policeman's Parade
07:41Caravan Park
07:43Caravan Park
07:45The new album from Mulligan and O'Hare
07:47What's all this about then?
07:57What's going to transpire here?
07:59You're about to find out Vic
08:00Because it's time for a performance
08:02From my progressive community theatre dance music hub
08:08That I call Sources for Cups
08:12I keep telling you
08:14It's just shortening
08:15That's too long
08:16Too much of a mouthful
08:17Get rid of the Sources
08:18I have been told before
08:19Yes, as I present my theatre dance group
08:21For Cups
08:24You didn't come to rehearsals
08:26Vic this week
08:27Well, I know
08:28I got trapped under the sink
08:30Which was quite awful actually
08:32But I did manage to survive
08:34By taking off the U-Bend
08:36And sucking some dregs out of that
08:38I squeezed a dish cloth
08:40Got some drips out of it
08:42So how long were you in there?
08:43Pure baby child
08:45Five
08:47Maybe six minutes
08:49So you did miss the rehearsal
08:51That's the whole of the rehearsal
08:53Then missed really
08:54Now it's quite a simple turn to that
08:56Although the concept
08:57Actually quite tricky
08:58It's a bit like a live version
09:00Of Black Mirror
09:01Have you heard of the film The Purge?
09:04Yeah
09:05Well in America
09:06There's one day a year
09:07When they can commit as many crimes
09:08As they want
09:09Yeah
09:10Without getting into trouble
09:11Scott free
09:12So I'm going to present a representation
09:13Of what I think
09:14The UK purge will be
09:16Yeah
09:17And what I think it will be
09:18Intriguing
09:19Is that one day a year
09:20You'll be able to go onto
09:21Any arable farmland in the UK
09:23What's that?
09:24No
09:25I'm looking for what comes next
09:27Yeah
09:28And to any arable farmland in the UK
09:30Yeah
09:31And take as many root vegetables as you want
09:33No consequence
09:34No
09:35No come back on
09:36No come back
09:37What a day that's going to be
09:38Wow I can't wait
09:39Black Mirror
09:40So you weren't at Rios
09:44But it's a relatively straightforward performance
09:46I mean wow it's got impact like a hammer
09:49But relatively simple
09:50Yeah
09:51Yeah
09:52Do you know what I mean?
09:53So see there we've got
09:54Oh yeah
09:55I've got this machine here
09:56Right listen
09:57Listen
09:58Right
09:59So it goes
10:00Potatoes
10:02Carrots
10:03Cabbage
10:05Yeah
10:06What and I just say them do it
10:07Yeah okay
10:08Do you think you can handle that?
10:09Yeah
10:10It's a performance
10:11Erm
10:12I think it's going to go transatlantic
10:14Can't see
10:16Because any reason why not
10:18Erm
10:19Ladies and gentlemen
10:20UK
10:22The Purge
10:23The Purge
10:28This is your emergency broadcast system
10:30Announcing the commencement of The Purge
10:33Sectioned by the local Purge Council
10:35Wow
10:37Good I'm ready
10:50Good
10:51Boot
10:52Potatoes
10:53No no no
10:54Don't say boot
11:07Alright
11:08Okay
11:09Boot
11:10Boot
11:11Boot
11:12Boot
11:13Boot
11:14Boot
11:15Boot
11:16Boot
11:17Boot
11:18Yes! Cabbage! Yes!
11:22One day a year, it's paradise
11:28Cos you can steal as many spots as you like
11:40Not bad. Wow. The purges come out. Stop it for the second half, right?
11:45The second half of the performance, I'm going to let you do the noise because I'm changing the vegetables.
11:51So you just do the produce. That's an exciting turnaround.
11:54Yeah, don't you dare adjust the settings, all right? Don't you dare adjust the settings, all right?
11:59I won't adjust them. What do you think, boys and girls?
12:02Do you really adjust the settings? What do you think, madam? You look like a woman of the world, and I don't mean prostitute.
12:07Do not change those settings, Vic, all right? I won't change them.
12:12Ladies and gentlemen, UK purge, part two.
12:22Onions!
12:26Turnips!
12:31Sweet!
12:34Yes!
12:35One day a year, it's paradise
12:40That's the result.
12:49Oyeh, oyeh, oyeh.
12:52BOOM!
12:54LAUGHTER
12:57APPLAUSE
13:01Frank Rudham Industries.
13:04Introducing the Frank Rudham Long Handle Walk Easy Grind Boot.
13:10Thanks, Richard.
13:12Just imagine, you've been walking for 15 minutes to the bookies
13:16and you've still got another five minutes left to walk.
13:20You don't want to walk another step.
13:22Well, now you can.
13:24Let your arms take the strain
13:27with the Frank Rudham Long Handle Walk Easy Grind Boot.
13:31When you arrive at your destination,
13:33simply pull on the brakes, drop the bars
13:37and return to your normal, traditional walking style.
13:41I guarantee you arrive refreshed and mentally sharp.
13:46APPLAUSE
13:49The walk easy boot is just £24.99.
13:51And if you order by Friday, I, Frank Rudham,
13:54will send you this wonderfully romantic mint thin.
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00The Frank Rudham drawing boot.
14:02Hold it today.
14:04APPLAUSE
14:10What is it you're wearing?
14:12Eh?
14:13What is it you're wearing?
14:14What, that scent?
14:15It's beautiful.
14:16Do you like it?
14:17Yeah, it's really calming me down.
14:18Hey, have a look.
14:19Just have a look there at me wrists
14:21and then just glanced at me looking up.
14:22What, really close up?
14:23Yeah, close up.
14:24Keep looking up.
14:25What, keep coming up?
14:26You like this?
14:27Keep coming up, yeah.
14:28Keep coming up, keep coming up.
14:29Keep coming up.
14:30Yeah.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34Hey, have a look at my wrist here.
14:38Just there.
14:39Yeah.
14:40Do the same.
14:41Keep coming up.
14:42Yeah.
14:43Keep coming up.
14:44Keep coming up.
14:45Yeah.
14:46Keep coming up and bang.
14:47Yeah?
14:48Two of them.
14:49Two of them, yeah.
14:50Yeah.
14:51Is it that the thing you do?
14:52Yeah, like that.
14:53All right, then.
14:54Look at this.
14:55Look at me nose.
14:56Right, close up.
14:57Yeah.
14:58Look close up.
14:59Ready?
15:01Soft shite.
15:03Sorry.
15:28Sorry.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:32All right, who's in there, then?
15:49It's me, Wolverine.
15:50You all right?
15:51Yeah, not so badly, you know.
15:53Yeah.
15:54Anyway, I gave me postman the right fright today.
15:57How come?
15:58Well, I went to the door completely naked, you know.
16:02But without your utility balance?
16:04No.
16:05It's dark as like...
16:06Anyway, I'm not sure what scared him more.
16:08Like, you know, me naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
16:12Oh!
16:13Oh, man!
16:14Oh!
16:15Oh!
16:16Oh!
16:17Oh, man!
16:18Oh!
16:19Oh!
16:20Oh!
16:21Oh!
16:22Oh!
16:23That shit is it.
16:24Thanks a lot, man.
16:25Right.
16:26You're not going to wipe them, Wolf?
16:27Look at these fingers, son.
16:28Ah, right.
16:29Well, I'm always here.
16:30See you around, and all the best to Xavier.
16:31And all the best to save you. Yeah, right. I see you say
16:43Let's take it up to Novelty Island
16:53When he's not up to his old tricks he works as a rocket engineer for infinity plastics
17:01Bill Decker
17:15There you are Bill in the paddock and my name's Bill Decker Bill Decker and I'm a
17:24murderer
17:25And I brought my wife Joan along with me the same lovely wife Joan
17:30Joan, she doesn't
17:33Smells very sweet
17:35Take another sniff. It's sickly sweet. The actual smell is carrion
17:42Joan does all the heavy lifting does she that's right don't you just
17:48One final thing she goes like the clappers
17:51What a boss
17:55Anyway, I've come here tonight to perform and as you know, I murder
18:03And when I'm doing my days right I always have the music of Shawani Wadi in my in my mind
18:09Right, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to give you a sort of guide to murder
18:15To the music of Shawani Wadi in that right Joe
18:18Yeah, the music of Shawani Wadi and a murder in corporate. Okay, here we go
18:24Step one
18:28Step one
18:30You find someone to kill
18:32Step two
18:37You stab them tenderly
18:39Step three
18:44You shove them into a crawl space
18:47Now there should be a step forward because Joan will dig a big hole
18:52Joan!
18:53She can dig a hole in 30 minutes just with a tea spoon
18:55There you go
18:56What a boss
18:57What a boss
18:58That's my act there. That's a little guide to murder a company by Shawani Wadi
19:02Come on Joan
19:03Thank you very much, Bill Decker
19:04Bill Decker
19:05Okay
19:11Act two in the novelty island paddock is, well, the next act has been wowing audiences the length and breadth of the country with his tribute to that wonderful living monster, the elephant
19:27Ladies and gentlemen, it's back with Bill
19:29Into the paddock with you, Bill, into the paddock
19:41Gently does it, there he is
19:43Back with easy milk
19:45There he is
19:46Back with Bill, are you ready? Off we go
19:52I'm a guy from Calcutta, I'm as smooth as butter, I play darts, ping pong and a little bit of footy
20:08I've got a Ford Fiesta and I live in a flat, I've got a wife, two kids and a dog called Pat
20:13I like police charmers, looking at farmers, I've got Donald Duck on the arse of me pyjamas
20:28Thank you, backwards Bill
20:30Off we go, can you go
20:32I'm shaking up
20:36Back with Bill, ladies and gentlemen
20:38Very impressive indeed
20:44Which leads us to act number three, the final turn tonight
20:47Describes himself as a yummy scrumptious bathtub full of bubbles and suds
20:53While a bolst
20:55And it's, oh
20:57Graham Lister
20:58Yeah
21:08Yes, Reeves, a quality item as a last arrived on stage
21:13I know doctors, dentists, barristers and pilots
21:15Yeah
21:17That's the kind of guy I am
21:18Who do you think you are Reeves, honestly, stood there like you were in the bouncy castle
21:22The stage of you
21:25The stage of you
21:26Strutting around the stage like Rod Stewart at a hen party
21:30Disgusting
21:31I'm here to add a little bit of cluster proceedings with my act
21:33Right, come on, so what is it?
21:35Well, you remember me from allowed for laps
21:37Yes
21:38I've moved on from that now and I've gone into surf and turf
21:41Hut dog and sardines, surfery, turfery
21:44Featuring Sly Stallone
21:46If you're ready, ladies and gentlemen, surfery and turfery
21:49chan, here, chauffeur
21:55мужica
21:58Come on
22:04Hu
22:05Hot dogs
22:07That is a 7
22:10.
22:11Corn
22:12Who is this a turf
22:14A sardine
22:16The quality item
22:19It's a quality item. I'll see you in a minute when I'm inevitably won the competition.
22:24Oh, you dropped your sardine.
22:25You can have that. You can stick it up your ass.
22:28There he goes, Graham Lister.
22:30And to decide who the winner is tonight,
22:33ladies and gentlemen, a very special guest, Nick Hucknall.
22:42Nick Hucknall, ladies and gentlemen.
22:43Nick Hucknall, was the winning act tonight?
22:53Act number one, Bill Decker.
22:56No!
22:58Was it two? Back with Bill.
23:01No!
23:03Was it act number three, Graham Lister?
23:05Yes!
23:09Victorious again, ladies.
23:11Yes!
23:13Yes!
23:15Yes!
23:24Leslo Hambra and Pablo Banana have been held captive
23:28by legendary rocker Sir Rod Stewart for over 14 years.
23:33Every day, Rod feeds them unless he's too sleepy.
23:36In which case, his gorgeous wife, Penny, attends to the feeding.
23:46They're given a diet of hay, lemonade, and licking sticks dipped in sweet molasses.
23:51And boy, is Penny generous with that lemonade.
23:55Hence, they are often desperate for a pot to piss in.
23:59Sadly, sleepy, forgetful rocker Rod has neglected to provide them with a suitable pot.
24:05Fact fact.
24:08Hey!
24:10Ha!
24:11Ha!
24:14Leslo Hambra and Pablo Banana haven't got a pot to piss in.
24:22They search high and low across the meadow, but the pot that they seek is missing.
24:29They keep on searching, their bladders are bursting
24:33But the pot can't be found
24:36Anywhere in the grounds of Rod Stewart's Mansion
24:42Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
24:53Well, I'm afraid there's been a rather distressing development
24:56Because Vic's just nicked off to get some plastic surgery
25:00I don't actually know when he'll be back
25:02Ah, Vic
25:04You've been?
25:07I'm back
25:07Yeah?
25:08You've had your surgery?
25:09Yeah
25:09I can't instantly tell
25:12Got it at Timpson's, you know, by the arcade in Lewisham
25:16Don't just do shoes, you know
25:17I know, they're the best in the business
25:19I'm going to get...
25:20Is it your boobs?
25:21No, they're just...
25:22That's just...
25:23Maybe this
25:26Might make things a bit clearer
25:28Check it out
25:29Whoa!
25:32It's a beauty!
25:34It's beautiful!
25:36What do you think of that, then, eh?
25:37I don't think I like it
25:39You like it, don't you?
25:39I like it a lot
25:40Yeah, you want to man-handle it, don't you?
25:42Kind of!
25:43Yeah
25:43But Vic, does it not give you a problem walking?
25:45No, well, you see, I've been looking at how Kim Kardashian manages to walk
25:49And I've noticed that when she goes round a corner, you get a lot of weight swing
25:54So when she goes round, she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa, it swings out, you know
25:57Like, you know, like a container ship
26:00Yeah, a large turning circle
26:01Yeah, a big, a large turning circle, yeah
26:03So what's going to be different with you?
26:05Well, I've asked, um, I asked for, um, like a supplement, if you like
26:09Supplement?
26:09If you'd like to come over and just have a poke around there
26:12Right
26:13Well, is there some mechanism or something?
26:15Just have it, give it a pull
26:16You have that now?
26:18Yeah
26:18Oh, I see!
26:21You got it!
26:22Wow!
26:22Yeah, what about that, see?
26:24Will you look at that?
26:25And now, watch me turning circle now
26:27Whoa, it's a cute, it's a cute
26:31Cute, isn't it?
26:33Look at that
26:33Beautiful
26:36Oh, will I save it?
26:37Let the wheel take the strain
26:39I save it, you've got a lovely chance to road test it now
26:42Yeah
26:43Because it's time for the final song and dance
26:45Right, good, yes
26:45I'm ready, I'm ready, yeah
26:47Now, ladies and gentlemen, if this is not your cup of tea
26:49Don't worry, because Vaughan is over there
26:51Here he comes
26:51What are you going to be doing, Vaughan?
26:53Couldn't learn to read
26:54He's going to do some reading
26:56So you can watch that as it progresses
26:58If you so wish
26:59Thank you for coming this evening, ladies and gentlemen
27:01And good night!
27:03APPLAUSE
27:04You can do it if you really want
27:13You can do it if you really want
27:17You can do it if you really want
27:20You can do it if you really want
27:23Make love in a Turkish phone booth
27:27Buy a pram in Sunderland
27:30Great cheese, isn't it Malcolm?
27:34Old Wild West, horseback riding
27:37Stormy Archer, grip, grip, grip
27:41Ashley Drango, flip, flip, flip
27:44Force a mouse to run up a hill
27:47Ah, rest a pancake on a windowsill
27:50Come on!
27:51You can do it if you really want
27:54Come on!
28:06Come on!
28:06You can do it if you really want
28:08You can do it if you really want
28:10You want to do it!
28:12You can do it if you really want
28:14Here you are!
28:15Here you are!
28:16Here you are!
28:17Here you are!
28:18Here you are!
28:19So, what's your record for?
28:21Nah!
28:22You're not gonna bother with the reading?
28:23Nah!
28:24Yeah!
28:25Fair enough!
28:26Good night!
28:27Good night!
28:28Thank you!
Be the first to comment