- 2 days ago
From the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May introduce their attempts to buy used Maseratis for a bargain price and then use them to tour the drizzle flecked landscapes of the North of France. Also in this programme, Richard takes the Abarth 124 Spider to the Eboladrome, Jeremy comes up with a way to install cutting edge features in an older car, and Olympic cycling champion turned car racer Sir Chris Hoy is invited to try Celebrity Brain Crash
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Captions by GetTranscribed.com
00:00:30Oh, my God.
00:01:00Hello.
00:01:01Hello.
00:01:02Hello.
00:01:03Thank you, Moses.
00:01:06Are you?
00:01:07Hello.
00:01:08Thank you so much.
00:01:13What a welcome.
00:01:16Hello.
00:01:17Hello.
00:01:18Thank you, everyone.
00:01:19Welcome to the Grand Tour, which this week comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness in Scotland.
00:01:25Now, exactly.
00:01:30Now, to most people around the world, Scotland is just a bunch of scenery and Mel Gibson with
00:01:36some paint on his face.
00:01:38But actually, it's a bit more than that.
00:01:40What we have here is a list of all the important things that were invented in America, okay?
00:01:45This is what the Germans came up with.
00:01:48Then we've got the English contribution.
00:01:50And then, obviously, let's have a look at what France did.
00:01:55That's it.
00:01:56I'm not making that up.
00:01:58Actually, and the pencil shine.
00:01:59Oh, and the pencil shine.
00:02:00Oh, I got that.
00:02:01Now, let's have a look at the list of things that were invented by Scottish people.
00:02:06It's just...
00:02:07It's unbelievable.
00:02:08It's everything.
00:02:09Tordyte.
00:02:10Cloning.
00:02:11Colour photography.
00:02:12Percussion pack.
00:02:13Golf.
00:02:14Lime cordial.
00:02:15I mean, the list goes on and on.
00:02:16Buick.
00:02:17Hang on a minute.
00:02:18Why is the US Navy on there?
00:02:19I'm not joking.
00:02:20That was actually invented by a Scottish person.
00:02:21Was it?
00:02:22So was the BBC.
00:02:23So was the SAS.
00:02:24All special forces, in fact.
00:02:25And I think I know why.
00:02:26If you are from Mexico, you're from Mexico.
00:02:29You're from Mexico.
00:02:30You're from Mexico.
00:02:31You're from Mexico.
00:02:32You're from Mexico.
00:02:33You're from Mexico.
00:02:34You're from Mexico.
00:02:35You're from Mexico.
00:02:36You're from Mexico.
00:02:37If you are from Mexico.
00:02:39Or France.
00:02:40Or Italy.
00:02:41You wake up in the morning.
00:02:42Open the curtains.
00:02:43It's a lovely day.
00:02:44Think I'll go to the beach.
00:02:45In Scotland, you open the curtains.
00:02:47It's damp and cold.
00:02:48I'll go to the shed.
00:02:49And I'll invent something.
00:02:51What's going on there?
00:02:52You're right.
00:02:53I'm surprised, actually, the English.
00:02:55Don't just say that those are British inventions.
00:02:58Ah, yes.
00:02:59The Andy Murray Syndrome.
00:03:01Let's be honest.
00:03:03This does happen a lot.
00:03:04OK.
00:03:05Alexander Graham Bell.
00:03:06When he was working away with his Bakelite and his wires in his shed, he was a Scottish crackpot.
00:03:12When he invented the telephone, he was a British genius.
00:03:17Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport.
00:03:20Motor racing.
00:03:21Jackie Stewart, three times Formula One world champion.
00:03:25OK, he's British.
00:03:26Jim Clark, two times Formula One world champion.
00:03:29British.
00:03:30David Coulthard.
00:03:31Scottish.
00:03:32That's how it works.
00:03:33Maybe we should explain to people in America what's going on here.
00:03:39Yeah, exactly.
00:03:40Let me just clear this up for you.
00:03:41This is how it works on this side of the pond.
00:03:42OK, this is Britain.
00:03:43Now, this bit is England, where we're from.
00:03:44Yeah.
00:03:45This bit's Scotland, where we are now.
00:03:46This bit's Wales, which is next to where I live.
00:03:47Yes, exactly.
00:03:48Now, the rules are very simple.
00:03:49If you're English and you become brilliant or do something brilliant, you remain English.
00:04:02If you're Scottish or Welsh and you do something brilliant, the English decide that you are,
00:04:09in fact, British.
00:04:10Yeah, the English really are appalling, aren't they?
00:04:13Let's just get this over.
00:04:14I tell you what, I love being in Scotland because everyone here speaks their mind.
00:04:25There's no ambiguity.
00:04:26There's the town of Larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign.
00:04:29Here we go.
00:04:37This is Scotland.
00:04:40It's not just words, either, it's actions.
00:04:42Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport a couple of years ago?
00:04:45Yeah.
00:04:46OK, so somebody tried to explode.
00:04:48Bomb didn't go off.
00:04:49He ran off and he didn't get very far because this happened.
00:04:59The Scottish way.
00:05:00That is the Scottish way.
00:05:01And, um, interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since.
00:05:09Just thinking about that for a second.
00:05:11When he kicked him, he must have broken his foot on the other guy's pelvis.
00:05:15Yeah.
00:05:16Which means the guy's plums were in the middle of the impact.
00:05:20It just...
00:05:21That's how it works.
00:05:22When that terrorist woke up that morning, he must have thought,
00:05:24right, the worst thing that's going to happen to me today is I'm going to blow up.
00:05:28It wasn't that, was it?
00:05:29No, because the only thing to explode that day was his knackers.
00:05:32Oh, God.
00:05:33Can we get on with this show, please?
00:05:35Yes, good idea, because in tonight's car programme...
00:05:39I urinate on an engine.
00:05:43Richard wears an anorak.
00:05:46And James takes drugs.
00:05:51But first, I want to talk about Fiat.
00:05:53They're mostly known these days for the 500, which is a small retro hatchback.
00:05:57But after an absence of more than a decade, they are back in the sports car game.
00:06:02So I went down to the Ebola drone to check out what they've come up with.
00:06:05Here it is.
00:06:20And as with the 500, you can tell straight away that Fiat are playing the nostalgia card.
00:06:26Because this car is called the 124 Spider, in honour of their rear-wheel-drive roadster from the 70s.
00:06:38Under the skin, though, the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda MX-5.
00:06:45Fiat supplies some important things like the engine and the body.
00:06:49But both cars are built on the same production line in Japan.
00:06:53On the surface, that is no bad thing.
00:06:57I mean, you're going to sleep a lot better at night knowing that your Italian car was actually put together by the Japanese.
00:07:04However, it does raise a question.
00:07:06Is that a sports car in its own right?
00:07:09Or just a Mazda with a different badge on it?
00:07:14Well, before we find out, let's look a bit more closely at the badge.
00:07:18Because you'll notice it says a bar.
00:07:23A bar are Fiat's go-to people when they want to light a fire under one of their cars.
00:07:28Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there some extra zest and zing and fire.
00:07:36For starters, Avat has tuned the 1.4-litre turbocharged engine so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any MX-5.
00:07:490-60 takes 6.8 seconds.
00:07:54And the top speed is 145 miles an hour.
00:07:59But in a car like this, that feels like 145 million.
00:08:05Certainly bundles for me.
00:08:10And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge over its Japanese half-brother.
00:08:18I have to admit, and this comes from someone who struggles to find fault with the MX-5.
00:08:25The 124 does sound better.
00:08:31Avat have given it something called the Record Monza exhaust system.
00:08:34What it does is make a small car produce a big car noise.
00:08:49It's like a cat in a lion suit.
00:08:51And that's exactly the sort of panto you want.
00:08:53What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing.
00:08:58It has its own personality, and that's important.
00:09:04But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow.
00:09:11You see, there's a price to pay for all this Abarthness.
00:09:15And that price is £30,000.
00:09:185,000 more than the top MX-5.
00:09:23That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin.
00:09:28Most notably in the handling department.
00:09:33The thing is, Abarth have given this car a limited slip diff.
00:09:37Which makes sliding something you command.
00:09:50The MX-5 doesn't have that.
00:09:52Neither does it have this sport button here.
00:09:54Which relaxes the stability control.
00:09:58Quite a lot.
00:09:59Quite a lot.
00:10:00So, what we have here is a car that's fast, sounds good, and is great fun in the corners.
00:10:18But there's something else very important about the 124.
00:10:28I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference between this and the MX-5.
00:10:32But everything I do in this car I'm doing in an Italian sports car.
00:10:39And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood.
00:10:45It does feel so good to be in a small Italian roadster again.
00:10:52It's about time.
00:10:54Everything about this little Fiat is designed to stir the emotions and make you smile like a child.
00:11:02Right down to the retro black bonnet.
00:11:04God, I love a black bonnet.
00:11:06God, I love a black bonnet.
00:11:07It's just...
00:11:08Ooh!
00:11:10It's just...
00:11:11It's a black bonnet.
00:11:12Only cool cars had black bonnets.
00:11:14Fact!
00:11:16I really like the MX-5.
00:11:19But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations and added some Italian showmanship.
00:11:27That's why I'd have it over the Mazda.
00:11:30I don't just like it.
00:11:32I love it.
00:11:33It's interesting because, as you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car.
00:11:47Yeah.
00:11:48Love them to bits, especially the Alfa.
00:11:49However, I've driven an ordinary cooking Fiat 124 and that is not as good as an MX-5.
00:11:56Not even close.
00:11:57No, that's true.
00:11:58You'd be better off with the MX-5.
00:11:59Unless you want the fastest MX-5, in which case, buy the Abarth.
00:12:03Quite.
00:12:04Have we just done consumer advice?
00:12:08A little bit.
00:12:09A little bit.
00:12:10We'll move it on quickly.
00:12:11Yes, we will move it on.
00:12:12And we'll find out how fast the Abarth goes round the Ebola drone.
00:12:15That, of course, means handing it over to a man who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin.
00:12:20Yep.
00:12:21It's the American.
00:12:23There he is, poised and ready.
00:12:26And he's off with a skitter of wheelspin and a fruity noise from the exhaust.
00:12:32Straight on to a soaking wet isn't straight.
00:12:37What the hell has happened in my life that I'm over here driving a Fiat in the wet in England?
00:12:47He may not be enjoying it, but he is very good at it.
00:12:51As he carves the 124 through the standing water, making the best use of its 170 horsepower.
00:12:58Really leaning on it as he approaches your name here.
00:13:02That is ballsy.
00:13:03Now, heavy on the brakes, swoops around this fast left-hander and exits with a skilful flurry of stylish oversteer.
00:13:12Back onto the isn't.
00:13:14Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing or use it for a spit cup.
00:13:19Charming.
00:13:20Nerds will note these conditions would be better suited to a barquetta.
00:13:25If you like this car, I bet you've got a lot of fancy cushions in your house.
00:13:30Yeah, because, as we know, cushions are, of course, communist.
00:13:34Right, into the tight complex of old lady's house.
00:13:38Keeping it nice and tidy through there.
00:13:41And now full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint down to substation.
00:13:47Front hazards coming on under hard braking.
00:13:49All Fiat's do that for some reason.
00:13:51Armful of opposite lock into field of sheep.
00:13:54More exuberance through there and across the line.
00:13:57It was a ballsy entry into your name here, that one.
00:14:06It really was.
00:14:07Anyway, we must now find out where it ends up on the board.
00:14:11Let's have a look.
00:14:12Oh, dear.
00:14:14Oh, dear, Hammond.
00:14:16So you've recommended what is officially the slowest car in the world.
00:14:20Well, no, slowest car on our board.
00:14:23Our board is the world.
00:14:25It is.
00:14:26Oh, look, it was wet.
00:14:28That lake's wet.
00:14:29Someone once did 200 miles an hour on that.
00:14:31And?
00:14:32Well, then they were killed, I admit, but...
00:14:34Quite, quite.
00:14:35So let's move on.
00:14:36It's time now for us to take a gentle cruise down the velvety smoothness of Conversation Street.
00:14:42That really hurt.
00:14:50It did.
00:14:51Just to be absolutely clear with you, that really, really hurt.
00:14:55Yeah.
00:14:56It was supposed to be a pretend bottle.
00:14:58Anyway, let's move it on.
00:15:01Yes, I would like to converse about something very important.
00:15:03Why is it that we have leather seats in cars?
00:15:06Because in reality, it's a terrible material.
00:15:09I mean, it's too shiny and slippery and it's too hot or it's too cold.
00:15:12It's rubbish.
00:15:13No, I know.
00:15:14I think it's because we got hung up on the idea, didn't we, that leather is somehow posh on a car seat.
00:15:18But it didn't used to be like that.
00:15:20In the old days, the posh people sat in the back of the car on cloth seats.
00:15:23And it was the chauffeur, the driver, sitting at the front.
00:15:25They gave him leather because it's hard-wearing.
00:15:27I've got a picture here of an old car.
00:15:29Look, they didn't even extend the roof to cover it.
00:15:32Just another three feet would have done it.
00:15:34And I think that's deliberate.
00:15:35I think that's to remind him that he's scum.
00:15:38Yeah.
00:15:39What would you two like to have instead of leather?
00:15:42Well, there's all sorts of things you could use.
00:15:44You could have cable knit.
00:15:46Wool.
00:15:47Well, which is...
00:15:48But it's nice.
00:15:49It's cosy.
00:15:50Lovely.
00:15:51I'm just desperately looking around.
00:15:52I mean, his jumper would make quite a good car seat.
00:15:53Yeah, be cosy.
00:15:54It's nylon.
00:15:55It is.
00:15:56Or pleblon.
00:15:57One of the two.
00:15:58It's a good idea.
00:15:59It isn't a good idea.
00:16:00These are good ideas.
00:16:01Right.
00:16:02It isn't.
00:16:03Or, how's this for an idea?
00:16:04Let me just throw it out there.
00:16:06Why not take a cow, turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks,
00:16:11and then instead of throwing the skin away, use it to cover the seats of your car?
00:16:16Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work.
00:16:19That's only because you two have decided to be vegetarians.
00:16:22Well, no.
00:16:23Hang on.
00:16:24No, they have.
00:16:25Well, a bit.
00:16:26They actually have.
00:16:27They wake up together one morning and went, let's not eat meat anymore.
00:16:29OK, we didn't wake up together one morning.
00:16:31It's absolutely clear on that.
00:16:34It's just a fine definition.
00:16:35They mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion at pretty much the same day.
00:16:39Anyway, we still eat chicken.
00:16:41Yep.
00:16:42And chicken is a vegetable.
00:16:43It is.
00:16:44It is.
00:16:45Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable.
00:16:47If you cut a chicken's head off, it still runs around.
00:16:50There you go.
00:16:51Thereby proving it's not a sentient being, it's a higher order of vegetables.
00:16:55It's a vegetable.
00:16:56Scientifically.
00:16:57OK, then, well, we'll make the seats in your cars out of chicken skins.
00:17:00Actually, that's not a bad idea.
00:17:01Wouldn't a chicken skin seat just look like a giant scrotum?
00:17:06Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat.
00:17:09So now let's move on, shall we?
00:17:11I've got something.
00:17:12Back in the 1920s, OK, a Scottish company made a car which they said was for women.
00:17:18Got a picture of it here.
00:17:19It's called the Galloway.
00:17:20Yeah, but, um, what about that car makes it for women?
00:17:24Well, they said that it had a smaller than usual steering wheel and a more reliable engine.
00:17:29Oh, yeah, of course, because men don't want a reliable engine, do they?
00:17:33It's only women.
00:17:34I hate reliable engine.
00:17:35Also, you could drive it standing up, which is what women didn't like.
00:17:37This sort of thing is still going on today, actually, because I've got news of one here.
00:17:41A car that's been launched called the Seat Mii Cosmopolitan.
00:17:45We have a picture of it.
00:17:46There you go.
00:17:47Sorry, how do you spell Mii?
00:17:49M-I-I.
00:17:50It's me.
00:17:51It's me.
00:17:52It's me.
00:17:53It's me.
00:17:54I've got a me.
00:17:55Well, it's been done in collaboration with Cosmopolitan magazine.
00:18:00It's aimed at Cosmogirl, it says, and are you ready?
00:18:03The headlights have an eyeliner shape.
00:18:05No, they don't.
00:18:06It's easy to park.
00:18:08Oh, yeah, because I much prefer a car that's hard to park because I'm a man.
00:18:13Can we just, can we get something clear here, OK?
00:18:16This gender splitting of cars is ridiculous.
00:18:18It's like saying, oh, a woman's airline seat or a woman's matches or woman's anything.
00:18:24Hello, can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?
00:18:26Exactly.
00:18:27It's a shame.
00:18:28The only things I can think of that can be split by gender are bicycles because of the crossbar.
00:18:33Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:18:34And underwear.
00:18:35Sometimes, yeah.
00:18:36Overshare.
00:18:37I said that.
00:18:38I left in a hurry.
00:18:50Honestly, I just can't understand why people think there's such a thing as a woman's car and a man's car.
00:18:56No, no, it's ridiculous.
00:18:57It's not as if you drive cars with your old chap or your magic triangle.
00:19:00It's ridiculous.
00:19:01But then, you know, there's...
00:19:02There is...
00:19:03Listen.
00:19:04It's a little graphic.
00:19:05But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car and they boasted very loudly that the whole thing had been designed entirely by women.
00:19:21Okay.
00:19:22And I've got a picture of it.
00:19:23It's a coupe with gullwing doors and a massive engine.
00:19:26So everyone would do.
00:19:27I would definitely have done that.
00:19:28Yes.
00:19:29Yes, exactly.
00:19:30Men and women are exactly the same when it comes to cars.
00:19:31Yes.
00:19:32The end.
00:19:33Exactly.
00:19:34Right.
00:19:35Now, you know, Tesla.
00:19:36Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car, but that ain't so.
00:19:39There was a Scottish company back in the 60s made an electric car.
00:19:42I've got a picture of it here.
00:19:43Oh, God.
00:19:46It's called the Scamp.
00:19:47Okay.
00:19:48It had a top speed of 35 miles an hour.
00:19:50A range of 20 miles and I want to make it absolutely plain.
00:19:54That's Scottish, not British.
00:19:56It is.
00:19:57It is, yeah.
00:19:58Very definitely.
00:19:59You know that?
00:20:00Yeah.
00:20:01That is Scottish.
00:20:02Yeah.
00:20:03I think we can end on the central street car.
00:20:06Right.
00:20:07Now, all over the world, people, by and large, buy very boring cars.
00:20:11I met a man yesterday who'd just spent £8,000 on a five-year-old Ford Focus.
00:20:16And I thought, why did you do that?
00:20:18If you've got £8,000 to spend, why didn't you buy a used Maserati?
00:20:22I think it's because people believe if you buy a used, exotic Italian car for £8,000, it's going to break down all the time.
00:20:29Yes.
00:20:30But will it?
00:20:31To find out, we actually put our own money on the line and we each went out and bought a second-hand Maserati.
00:20:38Yes.
00:20:39And then we decided that cars this glamorous and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested in Britain.
00:20:46So we decided to meet up in continental Europe.
00:20:50This is the racetrack we selected.
00:20:59It's just 60 miles from Calais and I arrived bright and early.
00:21:06This is a Maserati by Turbo.
00:21:17First car in the world to be fitted with two turbochargers.
00:21:22And this particular example is the sought-after S model.
00:21:26And it's only done 24,000 miles.
00:21:30And yet despite that, all I paid for it was £7,950.
00:21:35So you get all this glamour, all this power, all that badge for less than you'd pay in the UK for a six-year-old Toyota Pius.
00:21:47Oh.
00:21:51Why is Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford Cortina?
00:21:55No, no, wait. It isn't a Ford Cortina.
00:21:57It's another by Turbo.
00:22:00No, this is the 430.
00:22:03It isn't.
00:22:04It is.
00:22:05This isn't a bike turbo.
00:22:06It is.
00:22:07That's a bike turbo.
00:22:08Hammond, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the Ghibli, the Racing, the Karif, the Shamal, the 222 and the 430,
00:22:16they were all the same car.
00:22:17They haven't got any money.
00:22:18They just changed the name badge on the back.
00:22:20These are the same car.
00:22:22Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car.
00:22:24I dispute that.
00:22:25This is not ugly.
00:22:26This is elegant.
00:22:27This is Italian style.
00:22:29It isn't.
00:22:30I really, that is a fabulous looking thing.
00:22:31Let's have a look at this.
00:22:32It's a bit gaudy, mate.
00:22:34You want to hear this baby fire up?
00:22:37Get out!
00:22:40Save yourself!
00:22:42Yes!
00:22:44Feel the power of that!
00:22:46Have you seen all this?
00:22:48There's no other word for it.
00:22:49Oil.
00:22:50Yeah, that...
00:22:51Yeah.
00:22:52Yeah.
00:22:53Happily, before any more could flood out, James arrived.
00:23:00Have you ever seen a more ungainly looking machine?
00:23:05What's the matter?
00:23:06Is your door broken?
00:23:07No, I'm broken.
00:23:08Can you hold the door for me?
00:23:10Behold, the Maserati Zergato Spider.
00:23:15No, by turbo, mate.
00:23:16No, it's a Zergato Spider.
00:23:17It is all by turbos.
00:23:19See, I think this was designed when it was owned by Citroen,
00:23:22which was bankrupt at the time.
00:23:24Then there was some guy in America who had a bit of Maserati.
00:23:27And then, I think the Italian government, or Fiat,
00:23:29they all sort of had bits of it.
00:23:31Right.
00:23:32And they just ran around going,
00:23:33we made a new car, look!
00:23:34And it was exactly the same as the last guy,
00:23:36just had a new name.
00:23:37Excuse me, James.
00:23:38I just want to see just...
00:23:40Oh, you've got, like, two-tone leather.
00:23:42But why have you got an automatic?
00:23:44I've bust my arm.
00:23:46That's why it took a long time to get out.
00:23:48You've really broken your arm?
00:23:49Which arm have you broken?
00:23:53It has made me murderously bad-tempered
00:23:55and intolerant of your fatuousness, both of you.
00:23:58Have you seriously broken your arm?
00:23:59Well, it's fractured quite badly.
00:24:01Don't touch it.
00:24:02How did you break it?
00:24:03I fell over.
00:24:04Anyway, that's why you got an automatic?
00:24:06Yes.
00:24:07Is that roof electric?
00:24:08No.
00:24:09Hang on, there's a little button on the front.
00:24:12Oh, right, brilliant.
00:24:13So it is manual?
00:24:14Yes.
00:24:15Anyway, we must get off.
00:24:16Come on, let's drive on.
00:24:17Can you put the roof back up for me?
00:24:19No, I'm not doing that.
00:24:20We decided, first of all, to have a drag race.
00:24:28Between our cars and a similarly priced modern car,
00:24:32the Suzuki Celery.
00:24:39Tense moment.
00:24:41Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow for our four cars.
00:24:55What?
00:24:56What are you doing?
00:24:57I'm a new idiot!
00:25:03You crashed into my Maserati.
00:25:05You crashed into mine?
00:25:06You've got nowhere to go.
00:25:07There's a barrier there.
00:25:08Well, like, there was nowhere for me to go.
00:25:10I was where I was.
00:25:13So, for the second attempt,
00:25:17I volunteered to go down the pit lane.
00:25:22Yes!
00:25:23This is genius.
00:25:26And that didn't work either.
00:25:28We're emerging on the track.
00:25:30How many is there?
00:25:31What the hell?
00:25:32What?
00:25:33Oh, shit!
00:25:34Oh, my God!
00:25:41Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly?
00:25:43It can't be that difficult.
00:25:45After this latest accident,
00:25:47we decided that, as Hammond's car had the biggest engine,
00:25:52he'd represent Maserati's honour on his own.
00:25:55Okay, this is it.
00:25:57I am the elected driver.
00:26:01The chosen one.
00:26:03The kingpin.
00:26:06I like that.
00:26:12Oh, a massive amount of bleeping about.
00:26:14Yeah.
00:26:16But then...
00:26:18Finally, it spools up.
00:26:22Turbo's whizzing away.
00:26:27And, yes, absolutely creamed it.
00:26:31Yep, they were right to pick me.
00:26:33And the car, the 430 Maserati.
00:26:39Right, now you've established that, as a team,
00:26:42our twin-turbocharged Maseratis are faster than a 67-horsepower Celery.
00:26:47Let's get rid of the little Japanese car
00:26:50and find out which of our three cars is the fastest round the track.
00:26:55Yeah.
00:26:56We'll be driving Maseratis on a racetrack in continental Europe.
00:27:00It just sounds good, doesn't it?
00:27:01What's the matter with you?
00:27:02Why is he not so miserable?
00:27:06I've broken my arm.
00:27:08Well...
00:27:09If we're going to drive round a track,
00:27:10can I at least have one of those disabled knob things?
00:27:13You know?
00:27:15Why don't I go on the steering wheel?
00:27:16Yeah, like a forklift truck.
00:27:17That sounds fair enough.
00:27:20So, whilst our colleague enjoyed his special breakfast,
00:27:23Richard and I attached his steering knob.
00:27:27There you go.
00:27:29And then we hit the track.
00:27:34The roots of this car.
00:27:36Well, they were planted during the 1957 German Grand Prix.
00:27:40Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250F,
00:27:44overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race.
00:27:49He smashed the lap record ten times.
00:27:54You don't lose a pedigree like that.
00:27:57Here we go.
00:27:58Feel the tail kick out a little bit.
00:28:01Oh, oh, the front go.
00:28:03There's the back.
00:28:05On the front.
00:28:07Oh, God.
00:28:09I've got it.
00:28:13Now, flying laps in a Maserati.
00:28:15This is exactly what Stirling Moss did.
00:28:26Not exactly.
00:28:27Oh, the bits of it are.
00:28:30Meanwhile, in the convertible,
00:28:32James was very unhappy with his new steering knob.
00:28:35Oh, God, it's the left-hander.
00:28:46Bend the knob.
00:28:49What is the matter with those two?
00:28:56We're OK. We're in good shape.
00:28:57We're in good shape.
00:28:59No, not.
00:29:01Despite my lucky dip handling,
00:29:04I did eventually catch Hammond.
00:29:09Take him. Take him on the inside.
00:29:11Yes.
00:29:14Yes.
00:29:17No!
00:29:18Oh, God, Stirling.
00:29:29He's doing sorry now.
00:29:32Jesus.
00:29:36He just has too many horsepowers here.
00:29:39Come on!
00:29:43Oh, shit.
00:29:48Mr Clarkson is indisposed, briefly.
00:29:51And moments later, so was Mr Hammond.
00:29:54No, no, no!
00:29:57Come on!
00:29:59So, having learned absolutely nothing at all,
00:30:04we decided to abandon the racetrack
00:30:07and embark on a 700-mile cruise
00:30:10to the south of France.
00:30:13James was very pleased with this plan.
00:30:16This is more like it, isn't it?
00:30:18Not mucking around on a racetrack,
00:30:20which is always a bad idea in old cars.
00:30:22Now we're going on a proper road trip
00:30:24to a lovely part of the world
00:30:26in very, very evocative, exotic cars.
00:30:29Maserati.
00:30:33In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars
00:30:36after exotic-sounding warm winds.
00:30:39Mistral, Kamsin, Bora.
00:30:42When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster,
00:30:46I just thought,
00:30:48I've no idea what a Mistral is,
00:30:50but I want one.
00:30:53Maserati.
00:30:55South of France.
00:30:57It just sounds...
00:30:59right.
00:31:01However, fairly soon,
00:31:03reality began to stick its unwelcome nose
00:31:06into the equation.
00:31:08I can get no heat in here,
00:31:10and I can't de-mist at all.
00:31:12The brakes...
00:31:14It brakes one wheel very well,
00:31:17but only one wheel at a time,
00:31:19and you never know which one.
00:31:23James, are my lights dazzling here?
00:31:26Yeah, a bit.
00:31:28That's because they seem to be on main beam,
00:31:31but I can't dip them.
00:31:32The interesting thing is,
00:31:33if I put my headlights on full beam,
00:31:35nobody coming the other way flashes at me.
00:31:40You hear that rattling?
00:31:43That's the steering wheel.
00:31:47On top of the mechanical issues,
00:31:50there was the problem of James tackling the tollboots
00:31:53in his right-hand-drive car.
00:31:55Oh!
00:31:57Oh!
00:31:59Oh!
00:32:01Oh!
00:32:05Oh!
00:32:07Oh!
00:32:09We've got 700 miles to go.
00:32:11It's going to take us forever at this speed.
00:32:15And then, to cap it all...
00:32:18Jeremy, there are sparks coming from under your car.
00:32:22I think they probably need to stop.
00:32:27Oh, look.
00:32:29Something's on fire.
00:32:30Fire!
00:32:32Right, don't have to piss on it.
00:32:34Oh, no.
00:32:35Well, if you go round there.
00:32:37It's going to claim to be an emergency service now.
00:32:40Annoyingly, our road trip wasn't proving to be as stylish as we'd hoped.
00:32:45So, at the next petrol stop,
00:32:48with James failing to appreciate a present we'd bought for him...
00:32:53You used to have a good sense of humour.
00:32:55I do have a good sense of humour when you're being funny,
00:32:57which you are sometimes.
00:32:59I suggested a new idea.
00:33:01Listen, listen, I've had a thought.
00:33:03South of France is a very long way away,
00:33:05so why don't we go to the north of France instead?
00:33:07Yes!
00:33:08That is a good idea.
00:33:09And there's so much more to see and do in the north of France
00:33:12than there is in the south of France.
00:33:13Yes!
00:33:14What is there to see and do in the north of France?
00:33:17Well, there's the immigrant camp in Calais.
00:33:21There's that square where they set fire to a woman.
00:33:24Yes.
00:33:33There'll be other stuff. There will be other stuff.
00:33:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:33:39OK, thank you very much.
00:33:42Thank you so much, thank you.
00:33:46We'll pick that up later on,
00:33:48but now it's time to play Celebrity Brain Crash!
00:34:00Yeah, it's still terrible.
00:34:01OK, now what can we say about our guest this week?
00:34:06He's Scottish, but he won a gold medal at the Olympics.
00:34:11So, of course, he's British.
00:34:13He started out in cycling,
00:34:16then very wisely took up motor racing,
00:34:18actually competed at Le Mans.
00:34:20But today he's in a boat.
00:34:22Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Chris Hoy!
00:34:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34:26There he is!
00:34:28There he is!
00:34:29There he is!
00:34:31It's gonna be all right.
00:34:33He's rowing it the wrong way around.
00:34:35And the great thing is,
00:34:37whoa, everyone, the great thing is
00:34:39that Loch Ness is a peaceful inland lake
00:34:43with no hazards at all.
00:34:45We may finally get a guest to the studio.
00:34:49Yeah, that'd be great.
00:34:50Get him in unharmed.
00:34:52Come on, Sir Hoy!
00:34:53Come on, you can do it!
00:34:54Oh, my...
00:34:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:35:04What?
00:35:05What happened?
00:35:06What, how...
00:35:07I mean, what...
00:35:09OK, ladies and gentlemen,
00:35:11you've just applauded the tragic death
00:35:15of Sir Hoy.
00:35:16Um...
00:35:17No idea.
00:35:18I think he must have hit a mine.
00:35:20LAUGHTER
00:35:22And there was a terrific explosion,
00:35:23you may have seen it,
00:35:24and he's now...
00:35:26Well, he's gone, hasn't he?
00:35:29Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
00:35:31LAUGHTER
00:35:32Well, James, he's exploded
00:35:33and been reduced to chops and offal.
00:35:36So that is a no.
00:35:38It's OK, then.
00:35:39I've got a back-up plan.
00:35:40You know, voice activation systems in cars,
00:35:43they don't really work.
00:35:44Particularly, they don't work in Scotland.
00:35:47As we shall now demonstrate
00:35:48with a short clip of a man
00:35:50trying to pair his telephone
00:35:53with his voxel.
00:35:55Pair.
00:35:57You can say, pair, select device, voice feedback,
00:36:01help, or cancel.
00:36:04Pair.
00:36:06You can say, pair, select device...
00:36:08I just f***ing said, pair!
00:36:10...or cancel.
00:36:12Pair.
00:36:15You can say, pair, select device, voice feedback,
00:36:18help, or cancel.
00:36:22Pair.
00:36:25Pardon?
00:36:28What I really love about this guy
00:36:31is how long he perseveres for.
00:36:34What's this?
00:36:35Pair.
00:36:38Do you want to add or delete a device?
00:36:40Yes!
00:36:41Add a device.
00:36:43Pardon?
00:36:44Add a device.
00:36:46Using a pair function in the external device.
00:36:48Yes!
00:36:55It's brilliant.
00:36:56Anyway.
00:36:58That is the problem.
00:37:00That is the problem.
00:37:01But, Hammond, I have a solution.
00:37:03OK?
00:37:04No.
00:37:05No, don't scoff.
00:37:06Don't scoff.
00:37:07This is a system that is cheap,
00:37:09it works anywhere in the world,
00:37:11and you can fit it to any car,
00:37:13no matter how old it is.
00:37:15Let me show you how it works, OK?
00:37:18Step in.
00:37:19Ready?
00:37:20Voice activation.
00:37:22Engage wipers.
00:37:23It's just a man.
00:37:27It's Gavril from Bulgaria.
00:37:30And you can do anything.
00:37:31Right.
00:37:32Select drive.
00:37:34There you go.
00:37:36Call bellend.
00:37:39Now, he picks up the phone,
00:37:40he does all the dialing,
00:37:41my hands are on the wheel,
00:37:42I'm safe,
00:37:43then he holds it next to my ear,
00:37:44so it's hands-free.
00:37:46Who's...
00:37:47Who's bellend?
00:37:53What?
00:37:54I don't want to talk to you.
00:37:56End call.
00:37:58All right, then.
00:38:00Punch driver.
00:38:02Punch...
00:38:03It doesn't work.
00:38:04He won't respond to you, only me.
00:38:05That's the genius.
00:38:06And it gets better.
00:38:08Get out, OK?
00:38:09He locks the doors,
00:38:10and then he opens them
00:38:12when I get back
00:38:13so I don't have to have any keys in me,
00:38:15which would...
00:38:16spoil the line of my jean trouser.
00:38:19Let me just recap this.
00:38:20OK, so in Whitby,
00:38:22you turned a Romanian man
00:38:23into a self-driving car.
00:38:24Yes, I did.
00:38:25You turned me into a parking sensor.
00:38:27Mm-hmm.
00:38:28And now you've turned a Bulgarian man
00:38:29into a voice control system.
00:38:30Yes.
00:38:31Mm-hmm.
00:38:32Yeah, there is actually...
00:38:33There's a theme establishing itself here
00:38:34with your inventions,
00:38:35and it is that...
00:38:36you're a moron.
00:38:39Aha.
00:38:40OK, watch this.
00:38:41You know, in a modern BMW 7 Series,
00:38:43you can have back seats
00:38:44that massage you
00:38:45as you drive along, yes?
00:38:46Yes.
00:38:50What I've done in here...
00:38:51It's just genius.
00:38:52I have scooped out
00:38:53the middle of that back seat, OK?
00:38:56And then you can fit it
00:38:57with a Duan Fen.
00:38:58What's a Duan Fen?
00:38:59Well, she's here.
00:39:00She's from Thailand.
00:39:04I don't know why people
00:39:05are laughing at this.
00:39:06She now blends perfectly
00:39:08with the seat, OK?
00:39:09She is the seat.
00:39:11So I step in, like so.
00:39:15Yeah?
00:39:16And then I get a massage
00:39:18as I drive along.
00:39:19Ooh.
00:39:20James!
00:39:21James is sitting on a Thai woman now.
00:39:24Oh, God.
00:39:25No.
00:39:26Come back over here.
00:39:27We'll move it on.
00:39:28We'll go back to the Maserati film.
00:39:29Now, so far we have established
00:39:31that I've broken my arm
00:39:33but that the cars are working
00:39:35really rather well.
00:39:36Yes.
00:39:37And we rejoin the action
00:39:38after a night in a town
00:39:39called Deauville
00:39:40where Jeremy had,
00:39:41for reasons known only to himself,
00:39:43decided to reenact
00:39:45the famous VW golf advert
00:39:47from the 80s.
00:39:51This is the man
00:39:52who put a million on black
00:39:54and it came up red.
00:39:59This is the man
00:40:00who married a sex kitten
00:40:02just as she turned into a cat.
00:40:07This is the man
00:40:08who moved into gold
00:40:10just as the clever money
00:40:12moved out.
00:40:18This is the man
00:40:19who drives
00:40:21a Maserati.
00:40:23Start, you vicious bastard!
00:40:36Of course, being a Maserati
00:40:38it did eventually begin.
00:40:40So, we then fitted James' wheel
00:40:43with a new knob
00:40:44and decided
00:40:46to go and play on the beach.
00:40:53Ha ha!
00:41:09You really would have trouble
00:41:10doing this on a beach
00:41:11in the south of France
00:41:12because the whole thing
00:41:13would be covered
00:41:15in people turning
00:41:16their plastic surgery brand.
00:41:17androey brand.
00:41:24In the sea!
00:41:25Look!
00:41:31And currently, this
00:41:32of course, you can take
00:41:33a Maserati in the sea
00:41:35because the rust proofing
00:41:36is so good.
00:41:39After that, we enjoyed
00:41:40a picturesque walk
00:41:41and a philosophical debate.
00:41:43Is there anything on Earth which is worse than having another man put sun cream on your back?
00:41:49I've never experienced that.
00:41:51And then we played some sport.
00:41:53A penalty shootout in Maseratis on a beach in northern France.
00:41:58With our ball gone, we continued on our tour of Normandy, with our badly built colleague moaning constantly.
00:42:17Hey! Has he been swapped for an old lady?
00:42:22He's always been an old lady. He was born an old lady.
00:42:25Congratulations, Mrs. May. It's an old lady.
00:42:31As darkness fell, we reached the ancient town of Enfleur, where we decided to spend the night.
00:42:38Unfortunately, to reach our hotel, we had to navigate through a maze of tiny medieval streets.
00:42:49Manon, sorry.
00:42:51This is narrow. Isn't it narrow?
00:42:54No.
00:42:56How did people manage in this town in the olden days, when nobody had power steering?
00:43:09Oh, no.
00:43:11And I do that how?
00:43:14Ow!
00:43:15Ow!
00:43:16Ow!
00:43:17Ow!
00:43:18Ow!
00:43:19Ow!
00:43:20Cobbles!
00:43:21God almighty!
00:43:22Gee, I'm not sure that's possible.
00:43:24Where?
00:43:25Where?
00:43:26Oh, for Christ.
00:43:27Is that...?
00:43:28You're in the way.
00:43:29Isn't this a one-way street, my way?
00:43:30It's a one-way street, yes.
00:43:31That's why me and the other cars are all in the way.
00:43:32You're in the way.
00:43:33Please don't make me back up with this steering.
00:43:34Please don't make me back up with this steering.
00:43:35You're in the way.
00:43:36It's a one-way street, my way.
00:43:38Sorry.
00:43:39Come on, it's a workout.
00:43:40Hammond, I am going to kill you.
00:43:41You're in the way.
00:43:42You're in the way.
00:43:43You're in the way.
00:43:44It's a one-way street, yes.
00:43:45That's why me and the other cars are all coming this way.
00:43:47Please don't make me back up with this steering.
00:43:49Sorry.
00:43:50Come on, it's a workout.
00:43:51Hammond, I am going to kill you.
00:43:52Hammond, I am going to kill you.
00:43:53Maman, s'il vous plaît.
00:43:55Um, mon ami, um, il a conduit son voiture comme la gorilla.
00:43:59Oh.
00:44:00Oh.
00:44:01Oh.
00:44:02Oh.
00:44:03Oh.
00:44:04Oh.
00:44:05Oh.
00:44:06Oh.
00:44:07Oh.
00:44:08Oh.
00:44:09Oh.
00:44:10Oh.
00:44:11Oh.
00:44:12Oh.
00:44:13Oh.
00:44:14Oh.
00:44:15Oh.
00:44:16Oh.
00:44:17Oh.
00:44:18Oh.
00:44:19Oh.
00:44:20Oh.
00:44:21Oh.
00:44:22Oh.
00:44:23Oh.
00:44:24Oh.
00:44:34With Jeremy out of the way, I could move on.
00:44:38But then...
00:44:39Hammond, is that you with yellow lights coming up here?
00:44:43Oh, my God.
00:44:45Well, that's a bit of bad luck.
00:44:46You're going to have to reverse back up there, aren't you?
00:44:48Well, I can't back up because it's preposterously narrow
00:44:50and I can't swivel my head round to look behind me, so now what?
00:44:55Well, I'm going the right way down the one-way street, so I have right of way.
00:45:01Right, sorry, Hammond, you'll have to direct me a bit.
00:45:04Right of it.
00:45:05My right or your right?
00:45:07Well, my right, which is your left, but you're steering in reverse.
00:45:11Hey, hold it there and I'll go there left.
00:45:13Your left or my left?
00:45:14Your right, my left as I'm looking and your right as you're looking, i.e. your right.
00:45:20I had found the hotel, but clearly my colleagues were going to be a while.
00:45:26My left, do you mean my left if I'm facing the way I'm going or facing the way I'm facing?
00:45:31Good point. Your left is still my right, but you're going backwards.
00:45:38Just drive backwards.
00:45:40I'm going to the hotel now, but I'll leave this on so you can stay in tune
00:45:43with what they're doing.
00:45:45Hopefully that I've come the wrong way down a one-way street, I know.
00:45:49Are you making your situation better or worse?
00:45:52Better, worse.
00:45:54Better, worse.
00:45:56When Richard and James did finally join me,
00:45:59we reflected over dinner, about our time in the north of France.
00:46:03It's been just a tremendous journey.
00:46:06We've had three Maseratis out here for three days.
00:46:08We've only had one minor fire.
00:46:12Can I just say, and I'm being absolutely honest here,
00:46:14I love my Maserati.
00:46:16I've totally fallen for it.
00:46:18Yeah.
00:46:18I mean, I really like mine.
00:46:20No car makes a better noise.
00:46:22No two-litre car makes a better noise than it.
00:46:24I love it more now than when I started.
00:46:26I definitely want to keep mine.
00:46:27I want to know what it's like to drive with two arms.
00:46:31Because we all loved our cars so much,
00:46:33I decided we should end our road trip with a spicy climax.
00:46:38Why don't we race back to England, okay?
00:46:41First thing in the morning,
00:46:43last one back there has to sell their car.
00:46:47Ooh, that's cruel.
00:46:48That's harsh.
00:46:50It's not entirely fair on me, is it?
00:46:54Hello, why not?
00:46:55You chose to come equipped with one arm.
00:46:58It's your issue, not ours.
00:47:00So we set off from here all at the same time.
00:47:02Any route you like,
00:47:05last one,
00:47:07back on English soil,
00:47:09has to sell their car.
00:47:11I'm up for it.
00:47:11I'll risk it.
00:47:12Because I think that'll make the trip home exciting.
00:47:14I'll do it.
00:47:15Last one home.
00:47:15LAUGHTER
00:47:16As dawn broke,
00:47:25we lined up outside the hotel,
00:47:27ready for the off.
00:47:29Gentlemen, it's ten to four in the morning.
00:47:31Let's do this.
00:47:32In three, two, one.
00:47:34Begin!
00:47:34Last!
00:47:34Come on!
00:47:51No, no!
00:47:53At all costs, I am winning this.
00:47:55This is typical.
00:48:02Typical of Italian cars.
00:48:05They wait until you really need them,
00:48:07and then they go wrong.
00:48:09Oh, darling, darling,
00:48:11I'm in labour quickly.
00:48:12Yes, I'm on my way in my Maserati.
00:48:14Um, right, up here.
00:48:21Some of this is familiar,
00:48:23which is bad.
00:48:25Oh, no, not lost now.
00:48:29Once again,
00:48:30I'd managed to coax my car
00:48:31into some kind of life,
00:48:33and I was on my way.
00:48:35So straight out of town.
00:48:40Sounding healthy.
00:48:41With a top speed of about 12,
00:48:45I was headed for the ferry port of Le Havre.
00:48:48The trouble is that, logically,
00:48:50the others would be doing the same thing.
00:48:55Car.
00:48:56Clear your throat.
00:48:58Please.
00:49:01I'm out.
00:49:03Right.
00:49:04England, here I come.
00:49:08Clear your throat, car.
00:49:10Clear it.
00:49:11Or we shall be last.
00:49:12And then I shall have to sell you,
00:49:14and I won't sell you to someone nice.
00:49:18You know that man who has sex with his cars
00:49:20and then puts pictures of it on the internet?
00:49:22Well, I'm going to sell you to him.
00:49:24Unless you get going.
00:49:26Now, come on.
00:49:28Hang on a minute.
00:49:29No!
00:49:30No, no, no, no, no!
00:49:36Big road.
00:49:38Yes.
00:49:38James, meanwhile, was dawdling along at the back,
00:49:44yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this.
00:49:48Now, on the face of it, viewers,
00:49:50this isn't much of a race,
00:49:51because I've got the slowest car,
00:49:53we already know that.
00:49:54I only have the use of one arm,
00:49:56and I'm steering with a squeaky frog bolted to the wheel.
00:50:00However, it's not that simple.
00:50:05In fact, I believe I will be first,
00:50:09because he who is last shall be first,
00:50:12as we know.
00:50:13Coming up now to the motorway.
00:50:23Come on, car, please!
00:50:29It's made it up the slip road.
00:50:32Have you ever known a car with more spirit
00:50:34than this magnificent Maserati?
00:50:38However, the gradient on the slip road
00:50:40was nothing compared to what lay ahead.
00:50:48Oh, giddy-o.
00:50:54Port, where is it?
00:50:56If I get there first,
00:50:57OK, I've got to wait for the ferry.
00:50:59They could catch up,
00:50:59but I'll be ahead of them in the queue.
00:51:01Whoever gets on the boat first,
00:51:03gets off the boat first,
00:51:04and you can't change that.
00:51:06First on the boat,
00:51:07it's first off the boat.
00:51:08They win.
00:51:19Right, it's calm, Jeremy, calm.
00:51:20You're on a motorway.
00:51:22On an enormous bridge,
00:51:24surrounded by many heavy lorries.
00:51:30Oh, no.
00:51:31I can hear the exhaust spluttering.
00:51:35Oh, smoke.
00:51:35A lot of smoke now.
00:51:40Please!
00:51:41Please work!
00:51:45Mercifully, I reached the top of the bridge,
00:51:48but then...
00:51:50It's dead.
00:51:55Shit, I've lost braking.
00:51:57I have lost braking.
00:51:58Oh, bloody hell.
00:52:00Handbrake not working either.
00:52:01I've lost all brakes.
00:52:04There was only one thing for it.
00:52:10I have no brakes!
00:52:12You've just hit our car!
00:52:14I know, but I haven't run any brakes!
00:52:16They're not pleased about being used as a brake.
00:52:19This is totally legal, by the way,
00:52:21on a French motorway.
00:52:23Right, so, I've no brakes and no engine.
00:52:31Think, Jeremy, think.
00:52:36Port.
00:52:37Yes, hello.
00:52:38Unaware of Jeremy's problems,
00:52:41I was keeping the hammer down.
00:52:45Oh, holidaymakers.
00:52:48I hate holidaymakers.
00:52:52Trucks.
00:52:54I'm going to get caught up with all the trucks.
00:52:56Meanwhile, back in the land of Captain Cryptic...
00:53:01Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
00:53:07Do you know, I'm so relaxed about this,
00:53:08I think, in a short while,
00:53:10I might stop for a pleasant coffee
00:53:11and a read of the newspaper.
00:53:17I've not got time for you, mate.
00:53:18I'm sorry.
00:53:20Car! Car!
00:53:24Oh, God!
00:53:25Another roundabout.
00:53:26It's not in the middle of bloody town.
00:53:30I need to find my own route.
00:53:33There must be sneaky ways through.
00:53:41This could be good.
00:53:42This could be good.
00:53:52Damn it!
00:53:54Oh.
00:53:55Dead end.
00:53:58Not that way.
00:53:59Bloody hell.
00:54:16My shortcut wasn't going well.
00:54:19Where are they?
00:54:24And more importantly, where am I?
00:54:30This was a mistake.
00:54:32This is making things worse.
00:54:34It's just costing time.
00:54:37And as it turned out,
00:54:38time was something I didn't have.
00:54:40I am now down to one turbocharger,
00:54:44but I'm back in the race.
00:54:49Yes, I'm at the wheel of a Renault DCI 120.
00:54:53Toad truck.
00:54:55And what's more,
00:54:56I've decided to head for the port
00:54:58as the crow flies.
00:54:59Oh, God, no.
00:55:01Oh, God, no.
00:55:02Oh, God, no.
00:55:06Oh, God, no.
00:55:13This looks good.
00:55:17Yes.
00:55:18Very terminal.
00:55:20This is all correct.
00:55:21That is Jeremy.
00:55:27Who's Hammond?
00:55:28What is he doing?
00:55:30Kill him.
00:55:34I have to win.
00:55:35I have to win.
00:55:38Roundabout.
00:55:39Oh, bloody hell, really?
00:55:45The problem was that the port of Le Havre
00:55:47is so vast and so complex,
00:55:50it was very easy to get lost.
00:55:52This was still anyone's race.
00:56:00Where is Hammond?
00:56:01Where is May?
00:56:02Where is the boat?
00:56:05Come on, come on, come on.
00:56:06This is wrong.
00:56:19This is wrong.
00:56:27It's got to be down here.
00:56:29Yes.
00:56:30Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle?
00:56:37Because my DC 120 is going like a bastard.
00:56:48Yes.
00:56:49This looks good.
00:56:50This is the place.
00:56:56Good van.
00:56:57Good van.
00:56:57The boat is there.
00:56:58There is Richard Hammond.
00:57:01Is James May here?
00:57:03No, he is not.
00:57:05He is not.
00:57:07Yes.
00:57:10Ha-ha.
00:57:12No May?
00:57:17No.
00:57:18And there wouldn't be
00:57:19because I was in another part of the port
00:57:21with my own travel plans.
00:57:23Last night,
00:57:25after the other two had gone to bed,
00:57:26I arranged for our company yacht
00:57:28to be waiting for me
00:57:30in the harbour.
00:57:32And there it is.
00:57:39I simply drive up,
00:57:42hop aboard,
00:57:43and then we'll be on our way.
00:57:44Oh.
00:57:54No.
00:57:58No.
00:57:59No.
00:57:59No.
00:58:00No.
00:58:00No.
00:58:01No.
00:58:01Hold on.
00:58:02Hold on.
00:58:02Oh!
00:58:09Oh, no.
00:58:10He lived, annoyingly.
00:58:12Hang on, hold on, hold on.
00:58:14Hold on, Hammond.
00:58:15What?
00:58:16I need to ask you about this.
00:58:18Why did you stick deshabiller on my car?
00:58:21Because you were disabled.
00:58:23Deshabiller means undressed, you moron.
00:58:27Yes.
00:58:28Look, let's not get bogged down
00:58:30with, ooh, can't speak French.
00:58:32Let's get to the point,
00:58:34which is, James May, you lost
00:58:36and you broke the company yacht.
00:58:38You did.
00:58:39Well, no, hang on a minute.
00:58:40My car got closer to England than yours did.
00:58:43Yes, but the other thing it got closest to
00:58:45was the bottom of the sea.
00:58:47Yes, look, anyway, all of that is irrelevant
00:58:48because my car was the best
00:58:50because it didn't go wrong at all.
00:58:52No, no, mine was perfectly reliable, Hammond.
00:58:54Mm-hm, mm-hm.
00:58:55Mine was as reliable as James's arms.
00:58:57And the extraordinary thing is,
00:58:59no-one can work out what was wrong with it.
00:59:02Well, it fell off the back of a lorry.
00:59:04No, no-one can work out what fault it had
00:59:06that caused it to be on the lorry in the first place.
00:59:09And even now, what are we, nine months down the line,
00:59:11two trained Maserati mechanics are totally stumped.
00:59:15It is an unfathomable fault.
00:59:17Yeah, yeah.
00:59:18So, what we can conclude from our exhaustive testing
00:59:21in the north of France is that,
00:59:23if you buy a used Maserati,
00:59:25you have a 66% chance of it working.
00:59:28Yeah.
00:59:29They're not bad odds.
00:59:31Well, you wouldn't say that
00:59:32if you were having an eye operation, would you?
00:59:34Exactly, and on that terrible disappointment,
00:59:36it's time to end.
00:59:37Thank you so much for watching.
00:59:39Good night.
00:59:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:59:42AND APPLAUSE
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