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00:00Okay, we're back. We're ready to open the phone lines. Today's topic, Nuclear Arms Limitations.
00:06Our guests, Undersecretary Simon Dryden and Sammy Davis Jr. Hi, you're on the air.
00:12Hello, Larry. Alf.
00:15Yes, Alf. We haven't heard from you in a day or two now. How are you?
00:18Fine, Larry. How's the sore knee?
00:20Coming along.
00:21Sammy, shalom.
00:25So, what's up?
00:26Well, I've got the solution to this nuclear bomb thing.
00:30Great. Let's hear it.
00:31Get rid of them. They're dangerous.
00:34Okay. Mr. Dryden, would you like to respond?
00:38Uh, well, I think what you've done, Mr. Alf, is oversimplify the problem somewhat.
00:44Here it comes, Brian. Better go get the shovel.
00:49Mom, Alf is on the phone again.
00:52I know he is, but it keeps him out of the kitchen.
00:54Where is your father?
00:55I don't know, Mom. I need to use the phone.
00:58In a minute, dear.
01:00Alf, would you turn that down?
01:02Sorry, Larry. Just some static.
01:06Honey, hi. Where have you been?
01:08Hi, Kate. I'm sorry I'm so late.
01:10Daddy, I have got to get my own phone.
01:13Well, fine. Thank you. And you?
01:16I, uh, B and A?
01:19W.
01:21Why didn't you call?
01:22I'm sorry I tried to call, but somebody's been on the phone.
01:26Hey, cut me a break.
01:28I'm trying to save your planet from nuclear devastation, all right?
01:32Well, then go right ahead.
01:34Nothing, Larry. Just a domestic spat.
01:36Daddy, this is totally unfair.
01:38All right. We'll look into call waiting, okay?
01:41Call waiting won't help.
01:42I need my own phone line.
01:45Kathy McDermott has her own phone line,
01:46and her family doesn't even have an alien.
01:49Would they like one?
01:50I need my own phone line,
02:20The food came.
02:47I thought maybe we could eat out here, uh, have a little chat.
02:51I'd like that.
02:53What happened here?
02:55That's twice-cooked pork.
02:58Looks like twice-eaten pork.
03:01All right, Alf, listen, uh, I'm not sure I had your full attention right here.
03:05Hey, I hate to interrupt you, but can you hand me a screwdriver?
03:08Yeah, sure.
03:08Phillips!
03:09Okay.
03:10Uh, here you go.
03:11Thanks.
03:12You know, Alf, we've all got to do our part to get along here.
03:15You see, a family is like...
03:18Pliers.
03:19Yes, or a crescent wrench.
03:22Each one adjusts to each little situation as need be.
03:26Hand me the pliers.
03:27Oh, yeah.
03:28Sure.
03:29Uh, listen, here's what I'm trying to say.
03:31Go for it.
03:33It's a question of respect and cooperation, of course, and courtesy.
03:38The three C's.
03:40Cooperation, courtesy, and respect.
03:42Well, uh, two C's and an R.
03:45But you, you see what I mean, huh?
03:47Absolutely.
03:48Look, would you hold this wire while I turn on the juice?
03:50Sure.
03:51Right there.
03:51You know, that's my shortwave radio!
03:57Do you know how long I...
04:01Long.
04:04It took me ten years to put that thing together.
04:07I'm glad to see you haven't wasted your life.
04:11First the phone, and now the radio.
04:14Whoa, whoa, whoa!
04:14What about the phone?
04:16You're on it all the time.
04:18Hey!
04:18Operators are standing by!
04:20I've got calls to me!
04:21It's got to stop.
04:24Fine.
04:25First I can't use the radio.
04:27Now I can't use the phone.
04:29What next?
04:30The curling iron?
04:31Your toothbrush?
04:32Did you use my toothbrush?
04:35Yours is the green one, right?
04:38It was.
04:39All right, what's the big deal?
04:41I'll use Kate's.
04:42You're not using anybody's toothbrush.
04:46Okay, no toothbrush.
04:48What about the radio?
04:49All right.
04:50Just don't put it in your mouth.
04:52Thanks.
04:53I'll be through in a minute.
04:54As soon as I contact Air Force One.
04:56The President's plane?
04:58No, no, you can't do that.
05:01Willie, it's my duty.
05:03I mean, I mean, I've been through one nuclear disaster already.
05:06It's no picnic.
05:08Nuclear?
05:10You mean that's how your planet exploded?
05:12No.
05:13We all plugged our hair dryers in at the same time.
05:17Listen, Alf, even if you couldn't figure out how to call the President,
05:21you'd never get through because that signal scrambled.
05:25So?
05:25So it's illegal to break a scrambled signal.
05:29And it's immoral.
05:30What about you and Tootsie?
05:32I beg your pardon?
05:35Well, last week, we all watched Tootsie on HBO.
05:38Isn't HBO scrambled?
05:40Well, yes, but...
05:41But what?
05:42Seeing that you don't pay for HBO, isn't what you're doing illegal?
05:46Immoral?
05:48Absolutely not.
05:51They gave us a two-week free trial, and they forgot to unhook it.
05:55Just, uh, put the radio back together when...
06:04No problem.
06:08Are you gonna eat this food?
06:10No, but leave it.
06:11I'd like to see what it does when it wakes up.
06:14Air Force One, Hogarth speaking.
06:31How may I help you, sir or madam, as the case may be?
06:36Alf?
06:38Alf who?
06:39Mr. Defoe?
06:43Not now, Hogarth.
06:44I'm winning.
06:45It's someone calling himself Alf, and he wants to talk to the president.
06:49Alf who?
06:50I don't know, sir.
06:51All he said was Alf.
06:52A-L-F.
06:54A-L-F.
06:56Maybe it stands for some radical, subversive commie pinko group.
07:00Could be a family name.
07:03Just look it up.
07:04Looking, sir.
07:05And give me an immediate trace on this call.
07:07Tracing, sir.
07:08And punch up the speaker.
07:09You should listen to this.
07:10Punching and listening, sir.
07:13Hello?
07:14Can I help you?
07:15Is that you, Mr. President?
07:17No, this is Mr. Defoe.
07:18The president's not available.
07:20It's an airplane.
07:21How far can he be?
07:22He's been disposed.
07:24What does that mean?
07:25He can't come to the phone now.
07:27Why not?
07:28He's in the bathroom.
07:32Oh, he's indisposed.
07:35What do you want?
07:37Well, tell him it's about the bombs.
07:42Bombs, sir?
07:44What bombs would those be?
07:45The bombs we're thinking about using.
07:48Listen, tell the president I'm serious, and time is running out.
07:52I'd like to settle this before anybody pushes any buttons.
07:56Oh, guys.
07:57Yes, sir.
07:57What have you got on the ALF?
07:58Well, so far, we've got the American Laundry Federation
08:01and the Association of Lawn Fertilizer.
08:06Shall we round them up?
08:09The tracing's complete, sir.
08:13Mister, about those bombs,
08:16shall I interpret this to be a threat?
08:19Of course it's a threat.
08:20What kind of question is that?
08:22That's all I wanted to hear.
08:23Get me the FBI.
08:31Okay, I think I solved it.
08:33Everybody, give me your attention.
08:35What are we watching?
08:37Let's see.
08:38Oh, no.
08:39Let's not watch that.
08:41Let's not watch anything.
08:43I want to show you my chart.
08:44Yo, Willie!
08:47Yeah, what?
08:49Quick question.
08:50What does FBI stand for?
08:53Federal Bureau of Investigation.
08:55Why?
08:56Just curious.
08:57Well, what do you think?
09:01It's very nice, dear.
09:03This shows our whole family,
09:05aliens inclusive,
09:07and when each of us can use the phone.
09:09Oh, honey, I'm sorry,
09:10but Brian can't stay up till 11 o'clock.
09:12Oh, no, that's a mistake.
09:14We'll switch that with Lynn's time
09:16to call her boyfriend.
09:17Daddy, Lash can't stay up until 11 o'clock.
09:20Who am I going to call at 4 a.m.?
09:26I know, it's not perfect,
09:28but it's a start.
09:33Howdy.
09:34Hi.
09:34Sorry to bother you like this,
09:35but I was wondering if Willie Tanner might be in.
09:37Oh, speaking.
09:38Oh, excellent.
09:39FBI.
09:40You have the right to remain silent.
09:42Daddy, what are you doing?
09:43Hey, did you say,
09:44can you be held against you in a court of law?
09:47Please, please leave him alone.
09:49We'll just be a minute, ma'am.
09:50Let's go, pal.
09:51And we'll take this, too.
09:52No, not my charge.
09:53Sorry for the trouble, ma'am.
09:54Why are you doing this?
09:55It's the law, ma'am.
09:57This is what happens
09:58when someone threatens national security.
10:01Nice meeting you.
10:03Oh, hello, Mrs. Zuckmanek.
10:05Mom, what did he do?
10:09I don't know.
10:11Hey, what's going on?
10:13Daddy's been arrested.
10:15Boy, those HBO guys mean business.
10:20I can't believe Alf actually used your shortwave
10:32to call the president.
10:33Shh.
10:38I don't know what happened.
10:39All I know is somebody used my radio,
10:41and now I'm a criminal,
10:42and they're going to hang.
10:44Lily, stop.
10:44Alf, it's obvious you have to tell the truth.
10:47Of course, the truth.
10:48I'll just, I'll explain it to them.
10:50An alien took control of my radio.
10:53Why would he do that, they'll ask,
10:54and I'll say,
10:55because I wouldn't let him use the phone.
10:59Maybe we can clear this whole thing up
11:01without having to tell the truth.
11:02The truth is,
11:04I never should have let Alf
11:05anywhere near my shortwave.
11:10Okay.
11:11Okay, maybe it was wrong of Alf
11:13to call the president.
11:15Maybe.
11:18Okay, it was wrong.
11:20But, you know, you have to respect him
11:22for the way he feels about nuclear war.
11:24I think it's commendable
11:25that he's willing to send me to jail
11:26for his beliefs.
11:27At least he cares about something
11:30other than food.
11:32Great.
11:33Now he cares about nuclear war and food.
11:37Sorry, ma'am.
11:37I need a moment alone
11:38with the alleged traitor.
11:41Willie, I'll be right back.
11:42I'm going to see what's taking
11:43that lawyer so long.
11:44You wait here.
11:48Right.
11:48Sorry.
11:50Good afternoon, Alf.
11:53I need to talk with you
11:55about this.
11:57Just, who are all these people
12:00and why are they on the phone
12:02all the time?
12:11Watch this.
12:12It's my favorite part.
12:14Why is Dad on TV again?
12:15He's not.
12:16I taped it.
12:17You taped my dad's arrest?
12:19Yeah.
12:20Thought he might like to catch it
12:21when he gets out of the slammer.
12:23See what he looked like
12:24when he was young.
12:25Alf, I mean it.
12:28Sometimes I don't understand you at all.
12:31Tell her, Brian.
12:32He's an alien.
12:35Okay, but besides that,
12:37don't you get what's happened here?
12:39My dad got arrested because of you.
12:41Don't you even care?
12:41Of course I care.
12:44I feel terrible.
12:46He's my Willie.
12:47My Goomba.
12:49It just doesn't seem like it sometimes.
12:51Hey, I haven't forgotten about him.
12:54In fact, I'm working on something right now.
12:58All right, now look.
13:00The FBI's got him, right?
13:02Right.
13:03And who gives the orders to the FBI?
13:05The president, right?
13:07Right.
13:08No problem.
13:11The big guy and I are like that.
13:14Come on, Brian.
13:16Let's go spring daddy.
13:24May I suggest playing that black seven
13:26off the red eight?
13:28May I suggest you answer the phone, Hogarth?
13:33Yes, sir.
13:34Air Force One, how may I help you, sir or madam?
13:39Oh, hello, Alf.
13:42Mr. Defoe, it's him.
13:43Him who, Hogarth?
13:44It's Alf, sir.
13:46That's not possible.
13:47We got him.
13:48Unless there's a whole nest of them.
13:50Hogarth.
13:50Yes, sir.
13:51A-L-F.
13:52I have the Alabama lunatic fringe.
13:55Will you see if Willie Tanner's still in jail?
13:58Yes, sir.
14:00You might try that four of spades on the five of diamonds.
14:03Just place the call.
14:05And trace this one.
14:06Placing and tracing, sir.
14:09Defoe here.
14:10Yo, Defoe, remember me.
14:13How about putting the chief on?
14:15I'm sorry, he's indisposed.
14:18You mean he's in the bathroom again?
14:20That's classified.
14:22What do you want now?
14:23Listen, no offense, but last time we talked,
14:26things got all messed up.
14:28I'll call back when he's out.
14:30No, uh, no.
14:31I'll see what I can do.
14:40Hello, sir.
14:42I'm sorry to bother you in there,
14:44but we have this little situation.
14:46I wonder if you could talk to someone while we trace this call.
14:51Yes, sir.
14:52On the phone.
14:53Thank you, sir.
14:54Line two.
14:57Line two, sir.
15:00One more.
15:01Count from the left.
15:03There you go.
15:07Hello.
15:09Listen, I know you're a busy guy,
15:10so I'll make this brief.
15:12Willie Tanner's in jail,
15:14and I think it's my fault.
15:17Oh, really?
15:18Yeah.
15:19He's innocent.
15:20He didn't call you.
15:21I did.
15:22Oh, goodness.
15:23This sounds pretty complicated.
15:25Yeah, but it shouldn't have been.
15:27You see,
15:27all I wanted to do was talk to you about your bombs.
15:31Oh, now, look.
15:32You're not going to bring up the bonzo films again.
15:34I was under contract.
15:35I had no choice.
15:36No, no, no.
15:38Not those bombs.
15:40The nuclear ones.
15:41We've only got one planet,
15:43so why don't you and the Ruski
15:45ease up a little, will ya?
15:48I'm, uh,
15:49I'm sure we'll do
15:51everything we can.
15:53Hope I haven't oversimplified the problem.
15:57Oh, hold on.
15:58They did?
16:00Goodie.
16:00Thank you.
16:01Uh, Mr. Alf,
16:02we're sending someone around right now
16:04to follow up on this thing.
16:05You just sit tight, okay?
16:07You, too.
16:09Love Patty's book.
16:12Perfect.
16:13They're on their way.
16:15Perfect?
16:16They're not coming here to help.
16:18They're coming here to arrest us
16:19like they arrested Daddy.
16:22Brian, Brian, get a grip.
16:24You think your old buddy Alf
16:25would get his family in hot water
16:27if he didn't have a foolproof backup plan?
16:30Sure.
16:31Of course he would.
16:32But this time,
16:33I have a plan.
16:35FBI, freeze!
16:43Wait a minute.
16:44Who are you?
16:45Me?
16:46I'm Alf.
16:47Alf Tanner.
16:49You're Alf?
16:51How old are you?
16:52Six.
16:54But I'm going in seven.
16:55I thought I heard something.
16:56Oh, good afternoon, ma'am.
16:57Good to see you again.
16:58Doing something different with your hair?
17:00What are you doing here?
17:02Brian, what's going on here?
17:04Brian?
17:05I thought his name was Alf.
17:07Alf?
17:08What do you mean his name is Alf?
17:10Um.
17:11Oh, Alf.
17:14Yes.
17:15Yes, of course it is.
17:17Uh, I mean, uh,
17:18his real name is, is Brian,
17:20but we call him Alf for short.
17:24Kind of a pet name.
17:25Ma'am, were you aware that Alf
17:27was using this radio equipment?
17:29Well, no, I was not aware.
17:31But, yes, I am becoming aware of it now.
17:35Brian?
17:36What did we say
17:37about calling the president?
17:40I don't know.
17:41We said,
17:42not until after your homework.
17:45Oh, right.
17:47Surely you don't think
17:48an innocent little child like this
17:50could be a threat to national security.
17:52Well, ma'am, uh,
17:54would you excuse us for a minute, please?
17:56What do you think?
18:01About what?
18:03About what she just said.
18:04Could national security
18:06be threatened by a six-year-old?
18:07Oh, he's going on seven.
18:09Still, the president
18:10would not want us to arrest
18:11a little kid
18:11that didn't embarrass everybody.
18:13Then we shouldn't do it.
18:15Excuse me.
18:17Are you arresting my son?
18:19Um,
18:20not at this point in time, ma'am.
18:23Thank goodness.
18:24What about releasing my husband?
18:26Well, I'm afraid
18:27we're going to have
18:28to call the president
18:28on that one.
18:29I'll call him for you.
18:32Alf?
18:33No problem.
18:41Reach in there.
18:42Let's see.
18:43Oh.
18:45Oh!
18:46A presidential commendation!
18:49Isn't that wonderful?
18:50To Brian Alf Tanner
18:52for exposing gaps
18:54in national security
18:56and for his concern
18:57about world peace,
18:59which is something
19:00that I'm in favor of myself.
19:02All right, Brian.
19:04Way to go.
19:05I'm reminded
19:06of my humble beginnings
19:07when I built a crystal set
19:09in the basement
19:09of my parents' home
19:11in Illinois
19:11or Iowa.
19:14Hey, can you hold it down?
19:18My show's coming on.
19:19What's the matter with you?
19:21Oh, nothing.
19:22It's not like
19:22I had something
19:24to do with that plaque myself.
19:26Oh.
19:27Oh.
19:28I'm so sorry.
19:30I feel terrible.
19:32Didn't I thank you?
19:34Did I not say thanks
19:36for subjecting me
19:38to public humiliation,
19:39for almost costing me
19:40my job,
19:42for landing me in jail,
19:44for subjecting me?
19:45Hold that thought,
19:46will you, William?
19:46The show is on.
19:48Larry's discussing
19:49the Middle East crisis
19:50with Muammar Gaddafi
19:52and Charo.
19:55Daddy,
19:56what about the phone?
19:57I know.
19:58I had a lot of time
19:59to think in jail.
20:01And, uh,
20:02I decided
20:03it's probably worth
20:04the $25 or whatever
20:06for your own line.
20:07Oh, Daddy, thanks.
20:09Yeah, that's swell.
20:10Make it a princess,
20:11will you?
20:12It's not for you.
20:13It's for her.
20:14What are you getting me?
20:16I'm getting you
20:16your own toothbrush.
20:19Why?
20:20Never mind.
20:21You'll thank me.
20:23Yo, Charo.
20:24Que pasa?
20:25Yeah.
20:27Uh-huh.
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