- 7 months ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:09With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey.
00:15With songs and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil Blue.
00:21So meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:26B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
00:39Hey Paderewski.
00:41What is it?
00:43If you was given an elegant candlelit dinner party for several prominent members of society,
00:50and the cook was suddenly taken ill, what would yous do?
00:54Send out for some fish and chips.
00:56Aye, that's the obvious thing to do, isn't it?
00:59Hasn't got it down here though.
01:01What on earth are you reading?
01:02It's a chapter on dinner party eti... eti... eti-cu-eti.
01:10Here's another one.
01:12The best wine to serve with fish is a purely fussy.
01:17But make sure it is at the right temperature.
01:21Now how would you do that?
01:22Stick my finger in the glass.
01:23You'd think so, wouldn't you?
01:26But that's not what it's got down here.
01:28That's the trouble with the people that write their books.
01:31Nay common sense.
01:32Can you not fix it, Parky?
01:38No, the left eye won't close.
01:40Something must be jammed.
01:41Here, let me have a go.
01:44Last.
01:45How can I add up these figures with all that noise going on?
01:47Tell something to be quiet.
01:49Shagdon, shut up!
01:53It's in my ear, Sergeant Major.
01:54Go over and tell him.
01:55What's up?
02:03Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!
02:06Shut up!
02:10You want something, Sergeant Major?
02:12What's the matter? Are you deaf or something?
02:14I told you to shut up!
02:15Sorry, Sergeant Major.
02:16I can't hear when I've got my own voice ringing in my head.
02:19There's no room for two voices in there.
02:20There's no room for any brains in there either now.
02:22Shut up!
02:23Captain Ash was trying to do the accounts.
02:25There you go, Parky.
02:26I reckon I've fixed it.
02:27Oh!
02:29You know what I said?
02:30Just shut up.
02:34My eye?
02:35You've just smashed my poor little dummy's eye.
02:38What?
02:39You tried, isn't it?
02:43What's he doing on the ground?
02:45I'm afraid it was my fault, Sergeant Major.
02:47Well, I was trying to mend it and it just popped out like...
02:49Oh, I see.
02:50It was his fault, not mine.
02:51How can I go on the stage with a little jungle gym if he's only got one eye?
02:55Me old ex ruined.
02:57Why?
02:58I didn't do it on purpose, did I?
03:00Yeah, but you did it all the same.
03:02I mean, how a sensitive artiste like us is supposed to work under these conditions?
03:07Watch it!
03:09Now, get a parking.
03:11There's no need to get upset over a dummy boy.
03:14Pull yourself together now, love you boy.
03:16Sold his back.
03:18Remember now he's a soldier.
03:20He doesn't understand.
03:23My dummy is part of me.
03:24What was all that about, Sergeant Major?
03:33I accidentally trot on Gunnar Parkin's glass eye.
03:36I never knew Parkin's only had one eye.
03:39Your dummy's eye, sir.
03:40Oh, I can't bother with all that.
03:42I've got quite enough problems here.
03:43These accounts won't end up.
03:45And what's wrong?
03:46Well, according to these figures, there should be 1,500 rupees in the float.
03:50But there's only 1,005.
03:53So that means there's 495 rupees missing.
03:56Are you sure you've added them up correct, sir?
03:58Yes, I've checked them half a dozen times.
04:01Well, I shouldn't worry.
04:01The Colonel's sorted out when he comes back from GHQ tomorrow.
04:04No, I want to find out where the money's gone for myself.
04:06I don't want the Colonel to know.
04:08Why's that, sir?
04:09Well, I should have done these accounts after papery last week, and I didn't.
04:12I was so upset about that letter.
04:14What letter's after?
04:16It was from my wife.
04:19What'd she say?
04:21Sidney Lazenby's been in the house again.
04:27Who is Sidney Lazenby?
04:29My next-door neighbor.
04:31Who's a frightful cat.
04:33Wears suede shoes and smokes Turkish chagrits.
04:37Real lounge lizard.
04:39Why is he not in the army?
04:40That's what I'd like to know.
04:42Anyhow, he's always leaning over my garden fence, making caddish remarks about my wife.
04:46Things like how pretty she is.
04:49Well, he sounds harmless enough, sir.
04:51Harmless? Harmless?
04:54He's been into my house to look at my wife's overflow.
05:00Why didn't she get a plumber?
05:02That's what I want to know.
05:05Well, I'm sure you can trust her, sir.
05:06Well, I hope so.
05:08For after all, we're only human.
05:09Woman, she's a woman, I'm a man.
05:12We've been apart for two years.
05:14And I have to ask myself one question.
05:16What's that, sir?
05:17I've been tortured with it day and night.
05:19What is the question?
05:21If one of these pretty Burmese girls asked me into her hut to look at her overflow,
05:25how would I behave?
05:25Like a gentleman, I expect.
05:29No.
05:30That's the problem.
05:32War is hell, Sergeant Major.
05:35Don't crack up now, sir.
05:36Are you sure that money's missing?
05:39Yes, according to these figures, there should be 495 rupees in there.
05:43It was in there and somebody must have taken it out.
05:45There's no doubt about it, somebody's taken it out.
05:48Where do you keep that cash box, sir?
05:49Under my bed.
05:50Do you think a loose wall has got in?
05:52No, too many of us are about.
05:54I'm afraid it must be an inside job, sir.
05:56One of our chaps, though.
05:57I can't believe it.
05:58There's one way to find out.
06:00I'll turn out their kit right now.
06:02No, no, no, no.
06:03That will create an awful atmosphere.
06:06Well, all right, sir.
06:06How would it be if you take them on a jungle run
06:09and keep them out of the place for, say, half an hour?
06:12All right, but let's get it over as quickly as possible.
06:14Right, sir.
06:17Get your rifles in your baylands!
06:19Captain National is taking you for a jungle run.
06:22This is their rehearsal time.
06:24I've still got to do my plies.
06:25My eyes are not interested in your filthy habits.
06:29Move yourself!
06:31I haven't finished my scales.
06:33Shut up.
06:34You're all puny and flabby.
06:36You need to get out in the fresh air.
06:37We are out in the fresh air, Sergeant Major.
06:39No, you was not, Mr. Lardy-Dar-Ganna Graham.
06:41You was in in the fresh air.
06:43Out there, you was out in the fresh air.
06:45You look pasty-faced.
06:47All of you need some colour in your cheeks.
06:50And you, chowler.
06:51Get that dirty horn.
06:52You're going as well.
06:53Sergeant Major, stop.
06:54I have very rosy cheeks.
06:55All ready, Sergeant Major?
06:58Start, get off parade!
06:59Come on, come on, come on.
07:00Fall in, fall in.
07:01Stop running these.
07:02Right, chaps.
07:03Let's get ourselves wound up.
07:05You have brought your officers and wind yourselves up.
07:06Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up!
07:08Move it, move it, move it, move it!
07:11How about a song together's game, Bombardier?
07:14How about Stout-Hearted Man?
07:17Excellent.
07:17You start us off.
07:19Give me some men who are stout-hearted men
07:23who will fight for the right-layer dog.
07:25Hold on!
07:27Start me with ten who are stout-hearted men
07:30and I'll soon give you ten thousand more.
07:34Shoulder to shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder.
07:38There's no words to go through the hall.
07:42There's nothing in the world.
07:45This is a lovely way
08:02to spend an evening.
08:08It's all right.
08:09Oh, shut up's well, are we?
08:10He's snowing like a pig.
08:12How much of that stuff could you put in his tea, Mohammed?
08:14Plenty.
08:16He will sleep like a baby until the morning.
08:19Yeah, but Nobby, go and get his box.
08:21Right, got it.
08:22Here.
08:23If we get caught going for old shut-ups box,
08:26we'll get into terrible trouble.
08:27Look, he made an excuse to get us out the way
08:29just so he could rifle our kit.
08:31And that gold pen your mum gave you
08:32for your 21st birthday is missing.
08:34What more evidence do you need?
08:36I don't know.
08:37He thinks I'm his son.
08:38Perhaps he pinched it for sentimental reasons.
08:40Aye, like money.
08:42Where's his keys?
08:46Money, money, money.
08:56Everything all right?
08:57Yeah, but he keeps muttering the words
08:59money, money in his sleep.
09:01That proves he's a crook.
09:03Yeah, well, we'll soon find out.
09:04Perhaps we ought not to open it, eh?
09:07Look, until we find that pen,
09:08we can't prove a thing.
09:10Ah, let's see what we've got here.
09:13Adventures of Erotic Edna.
09:14Yeah.
09:16That's the book he took off me.
09:18He said he was going to burn it.
09:19The only burnings this book's had
09:21is from the Sergeant Major's eyes.
09:23Further Adventures of Erotic Edna.
09:26Still Further Adventures of Erotic Edna.
09:30Son of Erotic Edna.
09:32She gets around a bit, doesn't she?
09:36That dirty-minded pig.
09:39You just see, that's the sort of monster
09:40we've got in charge of us.
09:41A clean body and a clean mind.
09:43Oh, the bloomin' hypocrite.
09:46Hey, wait a minute.
09:47What's this?
09:49Only to be opened in the event of my death.
09:52It's addressed to you, Parky.
09:53Yeah.
09:55Oh, look.
09:55The, er, the gum on the envelope's perished.
09:59Go on, read it out, read it out.
10:01I can't.
10:02It's addressed to you.
10:03It says only to be opened
10:04in the event of old Shut Up's death.
10:06I can soon fix that.
10:09Oh, I can't stand it.
10:10I must know what's in that letter.
10:17Dear son,
10:18I'll call you that,
10:21even though I'm not sure
10:22if you are my boy or not.
10:24Perhaps it's just as well
10:25that now I'll never know.
10:27So as I go on my way
10:28to report to that great battery office
10:29in the sky,
10:31to you I'll leave
10:32all my worldly positions.
10:35My silver-topped cane
10:36and my life savings,
10:3843 pounds 8 and 6,
10:40which is in the
10:41Portcullis Building Society.
10:43This should give you
10:44a good start in life.
10:47Good luck, my lovely boy.
10:49Don't forget,
10:50shoulders back
10:51and stand up straight.
10:54Love,
10:54your old dad.
10:58I hope.
11:02But yes,
11:04sorry I treated your mates so hard,
11:07but I only wanted
11:08to make soldiers out of them.
11:10They're good lads at heart,
11:12especially little Lofty.
11:18Heya, Nobby.
11:21It's your turn to go on guard.
11:23Oh, by the way,
11:24Parky,
11:25I forgot to give you
11:26your pen back.
11:27You lent it to me yesterday.
11:28Ah,
11:29ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
11:32Your son,
11:33me size up,
11:34up,
11:35hide the sight that gets blue.
11:41Um,
11:42cha,
11:42oh,
11:43cha,
11:44other,
11:45enter alors.
11:46Yes,
11:46your nose up.
11:47Agpe out like I'm charged,
11:48you oldie.
11:49Cheek us up.
11:50One hot cup of delicious tea.
11:51Coming up.
11:52what happened to you sergeant major it's ten o'clock I'm sorry sir I seem to have slept late
11:59you've never done that before you've missed breakfast I'm afraid I don't want any breakfast
12:05sir I got a mouth like the inside of a tram driver's glove
12:08I checked these figures again last night that money's still missing it must have been in there
12:14and somebody's taken it out I've so relieved you didn't find it in the chaps kit I've still
12:19got to search their bodies yet sir well how you do that leave it at me sir get on parade could I
12:29borrow your magnifying glass sir yes of course thank you sir come on come on have some proper
12:35knees contain turn that ice right now strip off and drop your clothes behind you I said strip off
12:42and drop your clothes behind you bloody bloody how do you make it why we got to take our clothes off
12:47I want to have a look at your bumps prickly heat inspection
12:56it's the first time I've ever heard it called that shut up
13:02drop it at the end of the line come on you as well strip off
13:07I've always had my suspicions about him
13:27shut up here we are thank you sir what on earth are you going to do sergeant major well I shall inspect
13:37them for prickly heat bumps sir and you get behind them and search their clothing I see that's
13:42that's what you're looking for sergeant major
13:51may I ask what you're looking for sergeant major
14:07may I ask what you're looking for
14:10I will tell you mr lardy dar gunner graham I was looking to see if your prickly heat bumps is going sceptic
14:16may I ask what captain ashford is doing behind me no you may not just look to your front
14:20just you mind your p's and q's graham you're getting far too uppity
14:24sorry sir
14:26can you see anything unusual sergeant major
14:31yes you look to your front
14:35could you please ask captain ashwood if I've got anything to worry about behind
14:38you've got everything to worry about behind
14:43in front and all around for 400 degrees
14:45I thought there were only 360 degrees
14:48you've got an extra 40 shut up
14:50I'm going to parkins beautiful beautiful your shoulders looks even better under glass
15:09I've got some ingrained hairs on my chest is it serious
15:11yes it's gone right through your body
15:21you could end up with an airy art
15:30your chest looks very red macintosh it's just the color dinks after tattoo sergeant major
15:35hey there's some wee writing at the bottom of that tattoo it's too wee to be seen by the naked eye
15:40can you make out what it says I've never found out
15:43where do you have this done
15:44Glasgow it took four hours and the pain the pain was terrible
15:50but I never moved a muscle
15:53what's it say he cried like a baby
16:10what's that
16:10it's tea leaves
16:16you were going on a long journey
16:27dash mass move yourselves
16:29sure
16:29i take it you didn't find anything sir no what do we do now
16:38what was all that about then ask me i think wait a minute oh no what's the matter well he wanted
16:46us to lift their arms well what about it well all that prickly rubbish was just an excuse
16:50what for so we could look under our arms what for lamps what lumps bubonic plague
16:58don't search each other sergeant major we must eliminate all suspects yes sir perhaps you care
17:02to peruse my box first bubonic plague i've never heard such rubbish in all my life it's not rubbish
17:10they didn't say nothing because they didn't want us to panic the first sign of bubonic plague is
17:15lamps under the arms then you go black and fall down dead
17:20shut up i've got something there i can feel it feel what lamps lamps
17:25there's nothing there don't do that i'm tickling
17:31when you're laughing at you're supposed to be worried
17:34i am worried
17:38i'm worried today
17:43well there's nothing in your box sergeant major so you're in the clear
17:46by the way who's erotic edna
17:48well she's a sort of lady detective sir oh you mean like agatha christie's miss marple
17:58travels the world on the job
18:03you could say that sir
18:07when you've done that we better examine each other we better pretend to examine our bodies
18:11for prickly heat we don't want the chaps to get suspicious
18:14are you sure there's nothing there nothing at all
18:19well i'd say sir nothing in your box i suppose we better just search our clothing
18:24i don't think it necessary for us to take our trousers off
18:28why not sir well it stands to reason i mean 500 rupees would be a large bundle of notes
18:34if either of us had anything as big as that in our trousers everyone would notice
18:37what a relief you know for a moment i
18:46look i was right look at him i'm a bit worried as well
18:50i have got lumps i can feel it i don't want to die i'm just a boy
18:56ah is there no escape from this green hell i can't stand it i can't stand it
19:04get him out of the sun chaps go on out of the sun
19:09well sir major we've searched the men and we've searched ourselves so none of us took it out but
19:14somebody took it out just a minute there's only one person besides me who has a key to that cash box
19:21and that person locked it and handed it to me and that person is the only person we haven't searched
19:32we must search his box tonight
19:34money is the root of all evil
19:43are you sure muhammad oh yes sir ramzan woke up in the night and saw the captain
19:48sab and the sergeant major sab searching the colonel sab's box and they found hundreds and hundreds of
19:53rupees keep your voice down we don't want them to hear what did captain ashwood say
19:58sab the man is an absolute bounder oh they said the colonel sab has stolen the money from the payroll
20:09sink float your book of course it all fits in that all that rubbish about prickly heat inspection was
20:18just an excuse to search us for the missing money oh what a relief not to have bubonic plague
20:23a terrible night oh i've had all these dreams i was dying suddenly the world is a beautiful place
20:30i'm so glad the colonel's a thief the best news i've had
20:41sorry i missed the show yesterday how'd you go uh not bad
20:48what's the matter with you two this morning you've hardly said a word
20:53i find you both very boring
21:00i'm going inside to write home to my wife which will be even more boring
21:04but at least i should be in the shade
21:09that was the most awful meal i've ever had in my life
21:12there's no doubt about it sir the colonel definitely took that money
21:16this is terrible i mean he's an ex-public school man
21:20an old Paulian he's betrayed his trust all my illusions are shattered sergeant major
21:27there's only one thing for it i shall have to have it out with him that he took it out
21:31confront him eyeball to eyeball now it's the only way sir yes the only way
21:37i'll give him one last chance to put it back but if he doesn't i shall have no alternative but
21:42to inform the military police you better keep the chaps busy in their butter
21:46sure right some are you char boys get inspector
21:55excuse me sir yes what is it could i have a word with you
21:58i hope you're not going to be boring it's rather important yes
22:10i find this very difficult to say but i must get it off my chest
22:14you mean about sydney lazenby and your wife's overflow
22:18you've been reading my letters you're even bigger cat than i thought well you left it on the bed and i
22:22was a bit bored oh you're bored were you i wonder if you'll still be bored when you hear what i've got
22:27to say yes quite probably right you asked for it you took it out didn't you as soon as my back
22:36was turned you took it out do you catch my drift not really no don't bother to deny it you took it
22:44out all right and you know that i know that you know that you took it out do i make myself clear
22:50well i think no i mean it's probably not the first time you've done it i mean perhaps it was the heat
22:54or maybe you did it for the excitement or to break the monotony well i'm going to give you a chance
23:00to make amends if we'd been out here 50 years ago i wouldn't have done that do you know what i'd have
23:06done i've no idea left a loaded revolver on the table in your bungalow and you'd have known what to
23:12do with it would i well i know where you're keeping it i know where it is and so do you
23:19so i'm going to turn my back and if you put back what you took out that'll be the end of the matter
23:33would you mind saying all that again
23:37so you're going to bluff it out are you then you leave me no alternative
23:40take it out put it back what is he talking about oh that uh sergeant major
23:53captain ashwood wants me to put it back why uh i should oh what on earth for i mean finders
24:00as keepers as a matter of fact i was going to use that 500 rupees to give the men a party
24:04a party sir yes why not after all i mustn't keep that money to myself let's see what the men have
24:12to say get them on parade will you you're going to tell them sir of course get them on parade will
24:17get them why i hope you know what you're doing sir jump right oh god
24:25captain ashwood what if it's a cleanish revolver or something i've never heard anything like it
24:31right here listen now last week when i was on my way back from ghq i found a parachute in the road
24:38obviously left over from an airlift well i sold that parachute to the head man of feng yu village
24:45apparently they use the silk for making ladies uh what's his names and that sort of thing anyway
24:50he gave me 500 rupees for it and the point is i'd like to use this money to give you a party
24:55do you agree oh fine well that's all settled then carry on
25:02the colonel didn't pinch the money after all then
25:08what did you say sugden nothing sergeant major yes you did out with it we found out that you
25:13and captain ashwood went through the colonel's drawers last night
25:18don't be cross sergeant major i mean we've all been very upset i mean what with my lamps and the
25:23missing money and everything i mean these last 24 hours have been sheer hell but now everything's
25:28all right everything is not all right according to the accounts the money is still missing
25:32perhaps i could be of some assistance sergeant major
25:40it's all quite simple captain ashwood made an entry of five rupees in the wrong column and added
25:45up 500 rupees instead that's why he thought the 495 rupees were missing give me that
25:52well that's nice not so much as a thank you colonel reynolds sir
26:00yes what is it there he is arrest that man what an
26:06excuse me sir what that's what major arrest so would you mind looking at these accounts the
26:09account sir what the accounts counts
26:14sergeant do you mind telling me what on earth is going on captain ashwood has made a very
26:17serious charge against you sir oh what sort of charge well sir oh oh i say i am a fool
26:25i'm terribly afraid it's hard i i've made a wrong mistake here i mean i withdraw all the charges
26:39i didn't want to say sir i'm most terribly sorry can you ever forgive me
26:44you shopped me ashwood we were a good team you and i and you went and shopped me well our friendship
26:56is over things will never be the same again to think you could ever suspect me of doing anything
27:02underhand all right sergeant you can go it's all right that's a relief sir i don't like doing this
27:09sort of thing we had to arrest the colonel only last week sir oh what for selling parachutes
27:14to the burmese what are you hot about i mean uh used parachutes is no good army property sergeant
27:25major this colonel was selling them for 5 000 rupees each i thought they were only worth 500
27:31no no i just heard that was all don't you believe it sir there's a lot of silk in them
27:36you'll stand for court-martial of course sir goodbye sir
27:39uh listen chaps the party is cancelled
27:48ashwood i've got to go over to fun you village to see the head man i've got to buy a parachute
27:53i wonder if that chat would take a check
28:02the boys
28:16With us about, you are moving, so meet again, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
28:24I'm here to make you forget, so give us a cheer with the hey, hey, hey, just gather around and put down your gun.
28:33With us about, there's plenty of fun, so meet again, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
28:40B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys, to entertain you.
28:48Land of hope and glory, mother of the...
28:53Shut up!
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