- 5 months ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:09With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey hey hey.
00:15With songs and sketches and jokes on anew, with us about you and Phil Blue.
00:21So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:27B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
00:39Beyond the blue horizon, waits a beautiful day.
00:45As you can see, the show has started.
00:48And it is a very special one for Ghana, Pakistan.
00:51Today, for the first time, is going to be a comedian.
00:55And that is a very brave thing to do.
00:58Now, as you know, Ghana Pakistan is Sergeant Major Shut-up-Tab's favourite.
01:03Sergeant Major Sarb is always telling him how good looking he is and what fine pair of shoulders he has.
01:09Now, some of you have written letters remarking on this.
01:15But you are wrong.
01:17Oh, golly gumdrops, yes.
01:19Sergeant Major Shut-up-Tab is old man.
01:22It is stamped right through him, like stick of black bull rock.
01:26The reason that he is nice to Pakistan is that he thinks that he is his son.
01:31Now, remember, we are all descended from birds or monkeys.
01:36And there are no feathers on me.
01:39So, on with you.
01:41A rising sun!
01:48Good evening, everybody.
01:49Thank you, Professor.
01:52Well, hello, everybody.
01:53And welcome to another show by the Royal Artillery Concert Party.
01:58Get her.
01:59We have a lovely show this evening.
02:00We are going to start with that lovely artist, Gunnar Sugden.
02:01And he is going swimming with the women.
02:02Take it away, Professor.
02:03I go swimming with the women.
02:04Yeah, I do have a real good time.
02:05Bobbin up and down in the water.
02:18It just goes below my Mason-Dixon line.
02:22With the women, I do have a real good time
02:27Bobbing up and down in the water
02:29It just goes below my mason dicks alive
02:33Secret ladies do their exercises
02:36She's not going very well, Ashwood.
02:38No, sir. They're a rather sticky audience.
02:41These men are tough jungle fighters, sir.
02:43They need something more masculine.
02:45Then I went swimming with the women
02:49And I think that's my real good time
02:53Bobbing up and down in the water
02:56With a pretty girl whose name is Adeline
02:59You ought to see her latest bathing costume
03:03It's nothing but a little bit of trim
03:06And what I took to be her face
03:08Turned out to be a different place when I was swimming
03:19What are you doing?
03:31ное
03:42Gunnar Parkins is on next, sir.
03:48He'll put the audience in a good mood.
03:49What sort of turd is he doing?
03:51Comedian, sir.
03:52You mean he'll be wearing a red nose and baggy pants?
03:54No, sir.
03:55He'll be suave and sophisticated, like that there Terry Thompson.
04:01Oh, Parkins, you look so smart.
04:04That suit is good enough to go to Buckingham Palace.
04:07Frankie, he looks like a real brother, sir.
04:09Oi, hoi, hoi.
04:11I know, sir, where are you from, sir?
04:13Most bros.
04:15You're not funny, sir.
04:16You're full about laughing.
04:17You look so funny.
04:18I'm not supposed to look funny.
04:20I'm very sophisticated.
04:22Eat more fruit, sir.
04:23That will cure it.
04:35Thank you, thank you.
04:36And now, fellas, we have a big surprise for you.
04:41Oh, look out, girl.
04:42She's got a surprise for us.
04:44Shut up!
04:47And here he is.
04:49That suave, sophisticated, man about town,
04:53Gunnar Parkins.
04:54Good evening.
05:04How do you do?
05:05Good evening.
05:05How do you do?
05:05A girl goes in to the doctor's.
05:14He said, get behind that screen and take your clothes off.
05:17After a brief interval, she pokes her head round the screen and says,
05:22I've taken all my clothes off.
05:24Where shall I put them?
05:25And the doctor said, on top of mine.
05:28He'll be all right, sir.
05:38You've got to give him time to capture the whole audience.
05:42A man goes in to the doctor's and he said,
05:44my hair keeps falling out.
05:46Can you suggest anything to keep it in?
05:49And the doctor said,
05:50how about a cardboard box?
05:52Listen to that great big burke.
05:58It's like Hamiltonite in Dixie.
05:59It's ruining the show.
06:02And the first fella said,
06:04do you ever talk to your wife when you're making love?
06:06And the second fella said,
06:07only if she telephones.
06:11I can't stand any more of this.
06:13It's a travesty.
06:15We're going on.
06:16Randy.
06:18Tell Paderewski to go straight into jobs.
06:21I could stay up here all night telling you jokes,
06:26but you'd only laugh.
06:32That's it.
06:33Come on.
06:42Get off.
06:43Get off.
06:44Get off.
06:45If I was not up on the stage,
06:47something else I'd like to be.
06:49if I was not up on the stage,
06:51a bus conductor me.
06:52You'd hear me all day long
06:54singing out this song.
06:56On the mare fers,
06:57please on the mare fers,
06:58please name our room,
06:59on top ching ching.
07:00On a mere fairs, please, on a mere fairs, please, name a room on top, ching, ching.
07:03On a mere fairs, please, on a mere fairs, please, name a room on top, ching, ching.
07:21You ruined the show last night. I suppose you realised that.
07:24Don't pick rashes and glorious up. These jungle fighters are very hard men.
07:29Nothing tougher.
07:31Except this too.
07:35How dare you? Shut up and serve the tiffin.
07:38You didn't go down very well either, Gloria.
07:39The audience was taking the mickey out of you all the time.
07:42But I carried on there, sweetheart, didn't I?
07:44Because I am a professional artiste, not a flaming great amateur burke.
07:49What did I do wrong, then?
07:51You're too sophisticated.
07:52He's about as sophisticated as a drunken Scotsman on a Saturday night.
08:03What did you say, Petal?
08:05I said, Irishman, Irishman.
08:07Better.
08:08It puts me off when the audience shouts out rude remarks.
08:12I'm it, eh? I get embarrassed.
08:14Hey, listen, fellas. I've got an idea.
08:17Why don't we think up clever, witty remarks, learn them off by heart,
08:20and then we can shout them back at them?
08:21You mean something like,
08:23there's a bus leaving in 20 minutes.
08:25Be under it.
08:26Don't put there aren't any buses in the jungle.
08:33Oh, shut up, Lofty.
08:35That's not a bad idea, Nubby.
08:36Any more of anybody?
08:37Well, let me see if we could say something like,
08:39what a pity your father and mother never got married.
08:43I don't understand that.
08:46Well, it's implying, my dear Lofty,
08:48in a witty and subtle way,
08:50that the chap is illegitimate.
08:52Well, why not just say,
08:54shut up, you stupid bastard.
08:56I'm getting fed up with this tin stew every day.
09:09I should...
09:09So am I.
09:10Oh, there's another one.
09:20Just because you don't like it,
09:22there's no need to flick it at the Sergeant Major's face.
09:24I'm awfully sorry, Sergeant Major.
09:27It's these beastly little spiders that keep dropping into it.
09:30I haven't got any spiders in my stew, have you, Sergeant Major?
09:33No, sir.
09:34Why do they keep dropping on me, then?
09:36Are you sitting on a tuffet?
09:43They're dropping down from this tree, you know.
09:45Can't be going to eat our lunch somewhere else.
09:46No, no, no, no, this is the officer's mess.
09:49There's only a notice stuck on a tree.
09:52We could put it up anywhere.
09:54We can't get changing things round all the while.
09:56Don't you agree, Sergeant Major?
09:57You was right, sir.
09:58There's no telling when it would end.
09:59It would result in absolute choss.
10:06What's that?
10:07Sounds like a jeep, sir.
10:08Oh, we've got a visitor.
10:09Answer the door, would you bear?
10:10Actually, back, close up.
10:11Good morning, sir.
10:18May I have your name, please?
10:19Owen, Captain Owen.
10:20Watch out, sir.
10:21Captain Owen, sir!
10:23To see Colonel, sir!
10:25Do come in.
10:30How do you do?
10:30I'm Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood, Sergeant Major Williams.
10:33What?
10:34Care to join us for a spot of lunch?
10:36Oh, what is it?
10:38Well, it's, um, this.
10:40No, I think I'll just sit and talk while you eat.
10:44Right.
10:45Plus, the captain would care for a cup of tea.
10:47Oh, good idea.
10:47Thank you very much.
10:48A bearer, one cup of tea for the captain.
10:54One cup of hot, most delicious tea coming up.
10:58Shut up!
11:00GHQ wants you to do a little job for them, sir.
11:02Oh, that's all right.
11:03Just let us know when you want the show.
11:05Well, perhaps I'd better explain to you.
11:07I'm the political officer of this area.
11:08I'm having rather a bit of trouble with dacoits.
11:11One nice hot cup of tea, Captain, sir.
11:14Oh, thank you very much.
11:14Dacoits?
11:15Yes, Burmese bandits.
11:17Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
11:19What's the joke, Ashwood?
11:20I've seen you that song by Noel Coward, sir.
11:23The toughest Burmese bandit can never understand it.
11:26Understand what?
11:27Why mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun.
11:32Well, we're not.
11:33That's why we're sitting under this tree
11:34and you keep getting spiders in your stew.
11:38Their leader's a chap called Methant, an ugly customer.
11:42You want us to sort him out, sir?
11:43I'll get the men together.
11:44Steady on, son.
11:45Oh, you wouldn't find him in a thousand years.
11:47He knows this country like the back of his hand.
11:49But he does have a secret hideout somewhere around here.
11:51But we happen to mend despair to find him,
11:53they're busy fighting japs.
11:54So we take the easy way out and we pay him off.
11:57You mean, you bribes him, sir?
12:00Yes, in a way.
12:01We give him 20 gold tickles a month not to make any trouble.
12:04What's this got to do with us?
12:06Well, we want you to pay the money to Methant.
12:08Us?
12:09Yes, in his own words,
12:10he wants it to be delivered
12:12by the ladies who dress up as soldiers during the daytime.
12:17Surely he means the soldiers who dress up as ladies?
12:20It's a matter of opinion, sir.
12:22And he wants you to give them a show as well, sir.
12:26You can't give a show to a load of bandits.
12:28There can't be any worse than some of the audiences
12:30who have been getting lately, sir.
12:33We have to keep this chap, Methant, happy, Colonel.
12:36Please don't rock the boat.
12:37I don't like the sound of it at all.
12:38Well, I'm sorry, Colonel, but this is an order.
12:40Are you coming with us?
12:41No.
12:42I'm going to see Thinthant.
12:44He's Methant's cousin, much more important.
12:46He's a 50-tickle bandit.
12:48You seem to spend most of your time
12:51tickling all over the place.
12:54Stop your tickling.
12:56Tickling, tickling, tickling.
12:57Stop your tickling chap.
13:03All right.
13:04Handlawn.
13:06Move yourself, move yourself.
13:07Thank you, sir.
13:08Let's have a bombardier.
13:11Come on, lad.
13:14Ciao, lad.
13:15Ciao, lad.
13:16Ciao, ciao.
13:18It is best not to shout too loud in the jungle.
13:21You'll wake the little animals
13:22and they might turn nasty.
13:24Don't teach you a grandmother
13:25how to suck eggs.
13:27But my grandmother,
13:28a very poor Indian lady,
13:29not able to afford eggs.
13:31Shut up.
13:33I'm totally shut up, lad.
13:34Come on, get yourselves together,
13:37you rabble load of poofs.
13:40Double, double, double.
13:41Move yourself.
13:43All right, pay attention, chaps.
13:45We're meeting the bandits beside the river,
13:47which is about a mile in, uh...
13:50that, correct.
13:52We'll never get through that jungle, sir.
13:53It's completely impenetrable.
13:56Completely impenetrable?
13:58Let me tell you,
13:59Mr. Loddy Dog and O'Graham,
14:00we is going through.
14:01Get your pangas out.
14:03Get it out, bombardier,
14:19get it out.
14:22Start aching.
14:23Come out of it.
14:29I'll show you how to kind of
14:30par through the jungle.
14:31I'll go through that not like
14:32a knife through butter.
14:33Because I is a man.
14:35I'm not a poof.
14:37Sgt. Major Saab has stuck a rock.
14:44Sgt. Major Saab
14:45wanted to go first.
14:45He wanted to send
14:46women and children first.
14:50Once we walked alone
14:53down by the river.
14:58I'm so worried.
14:59These Burmese bandits
15:00are very bad men
15:01and they don't like us
15:03Indians one bit.
15:04If you got caught,
15:08they will kill you.
15:10Sani is right.
15:12They might kill us.
15:13Don't worry.
15:15It is the duty
15:16of us British
15:17to protect you Indians.
15:18But if you got caught,
15:20don't be such yellow dicky.
15:28I do not like this at all, sir.
15:31We should have come armed.
15:32How about Captain Owen said,
15:34Sergeant Major?
15:34The whole point
15:35of sending us unarmed
15:36is that there should be
15:38no trouble.
15:40Your move, Ashwood.
15:45I'm starving.
15:47I wonder what sort of food
15:48these bandits will give us.
15:50I hope it's good grub.
15:51Good grub?
15:52Listen, sweetheart,
15:53we've not come here to eat.
15:55We're just going to give
15:55the bandits their tickles,
15:57do the show
15:57and get off as fast as we can.
15:59Hey, Gloria.
16:00Yeah?
16:00Have you ever had that feeling
16:01there are lots of eyes
16:02looking at you?
16:03Oh, yeah.
16:03Lovely.
16:04And I'm starting to get a lot
16:06shining on me.
16:07No, I mean eyes on you
16:08that shouldn't be on you.
16:11What are you talking about?
16:13The bandits are just behind us.
16:15going around.
16:17Act nonchalance.
16:27Him not lady.
16:30Oh.
16:31Good afternoon.
16:32You fellow belong ladies
16:36who dress as soldiers?
16:37Well, yes, in a way.
16:43You very flat lady
16:45who dress as soldier.
16:48Also need shave.
16:50No, you got it wrong around, you see.
16:52Me, soldier,
16:54who dresses as lady.
16:55You do not understand.
16:57This fellow,
16:58me thunt.
16:59Big boss.
17:00Round here,
17:00everything belong me.
17:02Where your boss man?
17:03Hmm?
17:04Oh, our boss man
17:05is over there.
17:07Colonel Reynolds, sir.
17:08Don't bother me now.
17:10Colonel,
17:11the bandits are here to see you.
17:15How do you do?
17:16This must be the bandit chief,
17:20sir, me thunt.
17:21Ugly looking brute.
17:23Me not ugly.
17:24Me very pretty.
17:26Oh, he speaks English.
17:28Me speak English good,
17:29but me not ugly.
17:31But you be ugly
17:32pretty damn quick
17:33when I tell fellow belong me
17:34to smash face belong you.
17:36I'm sure the sergeant major
17:37didn't mean it.
17:38Did you?
17:39No, sir.
17:41I think he is
17:41quite good looking
17:42in a rugged sort of way.
17:44You bring tickles?
17:46Yes.
17:46Good.
17:47We go now.
17:48But not make any trouble.
17:49Otherwise,
17:50you play ball along me,
17:53I play ball along you.
17:55Oh, jolly good.
17:57Where are we going?
17:57Secret hideout.
17:59You not look.
18:00That's going to be a bit difficult.
18:02No trouble.
18:02Me fix.
18:04Okay, chop chop.
18:07High in the hills,
18:09down in the days,
18:11happy and fancy.
18:13The water's nearly up to me, Nick.
18:29What do you think it feels like for me?
18:31Move yourself.
18:31Where are you?
18:36Where have you gone without me?
18:42I thought you care about me.
18:46Where are you?
18:51Thank you very much.
18:53Graeme, sir.
19:05You must be very careful.
19:06These caves are infested with bats
19:08and they swoop down
19:10and get tangled in your hair.
19:15But in your case, sir,
19:16you have no worries.
19:17You'll get ready to do so.
19:26Chop chop.
19:27But first,
19:28you give this fella tickles.
19:30Hand out of the money, Ashford.
19:31Oh, right.
19:32There we are.
19:3520 gold tickles.
19:36I think you'll find that's correct.
19:40What's that for?
19:41Your commission.
19:42I've already got a commission,
19:45thank you.
19:45You see?
19:46Officer.
19:48Lord,
19:48that's your commission.
19:50Five percent.
19:51I'm afraid I couldn't possibly take it.
19:54You no got a racket?
19:56Only for tennis.
19:59Do be quiet, Ashford.
20:00Look,
20:01we are British officers
20:02and we do not take tickles.
20:04You crazy guys,
20:05I think.
20:06Okay,
20:07we wait for a show to start.
20:08Chop chop.
20:10Damn cheek.
20:10That's their way of life,
20:12our user.
20:13Right,
20:13the rest of you,
20:14hurry up.
20:15Get changed.
20:16Glory, sir,
20:17next time,
20:18you must tell Captain Sir
20:18to keep the commission
20:20and give it to charity.
20:22What charity?
20:23Us poor Indians.
20:26Sergeant Major,
20:27we can't change on this floor.
20:29Our dresses will get filthy.
20:31Shut up.
20:32Don't you worry,
20:32Glory, sir.
20:33I will put that second on the floor
20:35for you to put your dainty feet on.
20:38Come on then,
20:38move yourselves,
20:39move yourselves.
20:41Oh,
20:42lady.
20:44Look at that.
20:48Brand new rifles, sir.
20:51There must be 50 of them.
20:54Sir,
20:55they're using our money
20:56to buy guns.
20:57They're rotters.
20:58They've cheated us.
21:00Bandits usually do, Ashford.
21:02Sir,
21:03why don't we grab them rifles
21:05and fight our way out?
21:07Sir Major,
21:08they're chained together.
21:09Oh,
21:10that's a relief.
21:10I mean,
21:11that's a nuisance.
21:13We'll have to put them rifles
21:14out of action, sir.
21:15We need time to think.
21:16Joel.
21:17Yes,
21:18Sergeant Major,
21:18sir?
21:18Get outside.
21:19Give them bandits
21:20free tea.
21:21Free tea?
21:23But I shall be ruined,
21:24but I shall be ruined, sir.
21:24You will be even more ruined
21:25if you get my boot
21:26up your backside.
21:27Watch out.
21:28Besides,
21:29I'm only a poor man.
21:30Shut up and get outside.
21:32McIntosh,
21:33cover up them rifles.
21:34We dare not let them bandits
21:36know we've seen them.
21:37Excuse me, sir.
21:38May I make a suggestion, sir?
21:39No, you may not,
21:40Mr. Lardy-Dar,
21:40gun a grey ham.
21:41No, no, no.
21:41Let us hear what he has to say.
21:42Well, Graham.
21:43Well, sir,
21:43those rifles are useless
21:45without bolts.
21:46Well,
21:46why don't we remove the bolts
21:47and take them back with us?
21:49Take them back with us.
21:52Just how do we get out of here
21:54with 50 rifle bolts
21:55without being spotted?
21:56It is a rotten idea.
21:58We could hide them
21:58in the charwaller's urn, sir.
22:00Hmm.
22:00Did you hear that, sir?
22:07Got the parkings.
22:08I've just made
22:08a brilliant suggestion.
22:11If those bandits catch us,
22:13they're skinners alive.
22:14Oh,
22:15and you've got
22:16such lovely skin, Tim.
22:19Yes, Sergeant,
22:19Mr. Sub.
22:20Give me your charlurn.
22:21The ruddy bandits
22:22stole it, sir.
22:24Leave down it again.
22:25These people really
22:26are beyond the pale.
22:27I was going to say, sir,
22:29if each one of us
22:30stuffs some of the bolts
22:31into his pocket,
22:32then the bandits won't notice.
22:33Excellent idea, Graham.
22:35Can I have a word
22:36with you, sir?
22:36Yes, of course.
22:40We could be
22:40in a bit of trouble
22:41by here, sir.
22:43If they discover
22:44one man with bolts
22:45in his pocket,
22:46they will search
22:47every one of us.
22:48And we could all
22:49get shot.
22:50That's a good point,
22:51Sergeant.
22:51On the other hand, sir,
22:53if only one man
22:53had these bolts on him,
22:55we could all plead
22:56higurans.
22:58But one man
22:59couldn't hide
22:59all those bolts.
23:04One man could, sir.
23:06You mean...
23:15Dennis Huggdon.
23:17Yes, Sergeant Major.
23:18Come by here,
23:20lovely boy.
23:27Why should I cry?
23:29It's blue above.
23:31I'm free at last
23:32and I'm ready for love.
23:34I said,
23:35undo them trousers.
23:36Here's some more,
23:48Sergeant Major.
23:50Stuff them down.
23:51Stuff them down.
23:52Hurry up,
23:52get the rest of the bolts
23:53out of them rifles.
23:53Oh, my gosh.
23:54I'm ready for love.
23:55I'm ready for love.
23:55I'm ready for love.
23:56I'm ready for love.
23:56I'm ready for love.
23:57Forever my show
23:58gives them all.
24:13All right, chaps.
24:14We'll do the rosmarine number
24:15and then get out
24:16as quick as we can.
24:17They like me.
24:18They like me.
24:19Why can't we always
24:22play to bandits?
24:32How do you do?
24:45Right, Sergeant.
24:46Get out there.
24:48Remember,
24:48if you have to bring
24:49your legs together,
24:51do it gently.
24:55What happens
24:56if I clank?
24:57You do not clank.
25:00Let's be having you.
25:10In a secret fantasy,
25:12only if she telephoned.
25:13Yeah.
25:13Right, get off,
25:25lovely boy.
25:26They're laughing at them.
25:27Don't push your luck.
25:28And now it comes
25:29to our grand finale,
25:30an expert
25:31from rosemary.
25:32that means I offer my walk.
25:54Right, finished.
25:55Well, Emily,
25:56just starting.
25:57Move yourself.
25:57Pray the anthem double-quick.
26:07Thank you very much for the show's over.
26:09Why are you finished so quick?
26:11Officer, I'll have to leave you like this.
26:13Another booking.
26:13Ah, thank you.
26:28Well, goodbye.
26:29Next time,
26:30you bring real women,
26:31not an invitation.
26:33Right, Sergeant.
26:34Get across.
26:35I'm the bombardier.
26:39I'll get first.
26:39After you.
26:40All right.
27:04Bye.
27:04Bye.
27:04Bye.
27:04Bye.
27:04Bye.
27:05Bye.
27:05Bye.
27:06Bye.
27:07Bye.
27:08my legs are stuck in the mud
27:16move yourself
27:20I can't I'm stuck fast
27:22what do we do now sir
27:24now listen very carefully
27:26put your hand down his trousers
27:30casually
27:41have you done that
27:45now get hold of the bolts
27:50that's not a bolt
27:55pull them out of the trousers
28:03drop them on the bottom
28:13of the river
28:15you know there is an old Hindu proverb which say
28:28if you're crossing a river do not be surprised
28:31if the monkeys in the trees throw nuts at you
28:34after all what else can you expect
28:37if your trousers are full of bolts
28:40applause
29:19So meet the gang, cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
29:25B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
29:33End of hope and glory, mother of the...
29:38Shard up!
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