- 5 months ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
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00:00Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you, with music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey, with songs and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil Blue.
00:20So meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you, B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
00:34You're our bearer, not Sergeant Majors.
00:36Hazab Patel has gone to cinema.
00:38What, to see the Indian Uprising?
00:39Hazab, and he think Indian Uprising is beautiful Kashmiri love story.
00:44And when I tell him it is tale of revolting Apaches, he does not believe it.
00:48Well, I've got this note for the Sergeant Majors from the Quartermast.
00:52Here.
00:54What's that old shut-up doing with a picture of Parkey's mum?
00:56Oh, dear, oh, dearie, dear. Snake is now really out of basket.
01:01What are you talking about?
01:03Muhammad, now Solomon, Saab, my good friend and I wish to have most secret verbal talks.
01:08So will you please be taking a powder?
01:10What's the powder taking?
01:11Oh, go on, get out, you damn coolie.
01:13Go on, tell it now. Take it down. Go on, go on.
01:15Or I will be kicking your private backside.
01:19What can you do with these people, Saab?
01:22They have no damn manners.
01:24Please be seated, and I will give you the dirty lowdown.
01:30Now, say that again.
01:32Look, Parkey, the upshot of all this is that Battery Sergeant Major, shut up, Williams, is your father.
01:38And you are his loving, begotten son.
01:42Please accept our deepest sympathy.
01:46He's not my old man.
01:57My old man works in a munitions factory back home.
02:00Ah, but how do you know for sure he is, your old man?
02:02I know he is.
02:04He and my mum got married in 1925, and they got a silver teapot to prove it.
02:09How old are you?
02:11Twenty.
02:20They ran it a bit close, didn't they?
02:21Yeah, why did they get married so quick?
02:25Yeah, what are you trying to say?
02:27It's all right, it's all right.
02:28There's nothing to worry about.
02:29As long as they did get married, you're not one.
02:32One what?
02:34One of what you would have been worried about if they hadn't got married.
02:37Look, they met in Colchester, a military town.
02:42Well, they got sort of friendly at this New Year's dance.
02:45Mum was being pestered by this army bloke, see?
02:47So the next day, Dad went out and sought him out and gave him a thick ear.
02:51And then this army bloke got himself posted overseas.
02:53To India?
02:54I don't know.
02:55Sergeant Major, Shutup's got a pretty thick ear.
02:59Blimey, if he is my dad, I'll commit Harry Corris.
03:04Harry Currie?
03:05Yeah, whatever Harry it is, I'll commit it.
03:08And you, old Shutup does have his good points.
03:11He is very smart.
03:13That's another thing, Parky.
03:14You're always polishing your cat badge.
03:17Oh, I like to look nice.
03:19He's got the same sort of cruel twist to his mouth.
03:23Under-jotting-out jar.
03:25Shut up!
03:28Hey, Parky, why don't you write home to your mother and ask her?
03:30You can't ask a man to do that.
03:32I mean, it's not the sort of thing you'd put in a letter.
03:35Dear Mum, who was it?
03:38Parky, Parky, Parky, we're only trying to wear over it.
03:40Don't worry, this sort of thing happens in Hollywood all the time.
03:43Yeah, they're always having maternity suites.
03:45Maternity suites.
03:49Blood tests.
03:50Eh?
03:50That's what they have, blood tests.
03:51Look, I know the last Jack in the hospital.
03:54We could easily get them to test Parky's blood.
03:56Yeah, but how can we get the Sergeant Major's blood?
03:58Yeah.
03:59Somebody could punch him in the nose.
04:02Any volunteers?
04:03Not me, I couldn't reach.
04:07Yeah, we could throw leeches at him.
04:09Gloria, this is a serious discussion.
04:11We could get a couple of mosquitoes, stick them in his net and collect them the next morning.
04:16Do me a favor, Nosher.
04:18It's ludicrous.
04:19How can we be sure they hadn't bitten somebody else first?
04:22Has anybody got any sensible suggestions?
04:24Come on, come on, come on.
04:26Sir, there's a lot of ideas.
04:27It can't be a problem.
04:28They say, they're the only one.
04:30If you put one person, you'll put it like this, and you'll put it like this, and you'll put it like this.
04:34Vampire back.
04:35Anyway, the blood test isn't conclusive.
04:41It can prove he isn't.
04:42It can't prove he is.
04:43You're not going to start that again, are you?
04:45No.
04:46No, all I'm saying is that it can prove he isn't your father.
04:49It can't prove he is.
04:50I don't want to prove that he is.
04:53Got it.
04:55Simple.
04:56Solly has the solution.
04:58The blood groups are on our medical records.
05:00I'll chat up the Omi in the records office and have a quick shifty.
05:04The boy's the genius.
05:05Yeah, I've got it.
05:07Gunnar Parkins, come here, boy.
05:11Stand up straight, then.
05:12Shoulders back.
05:13Fine bit of shoulders, hmm?
05:14Sure enough.
05:15Sure enough.
05:18Gunnar Parkins, did you have any notification from HQ that they were proposing to make alterations for the officer's mess?
05:23No, sir.
05:25I thought not, sir.
05:26You told me to get it pulled down.
05:28Yeah.
05:31I did what?
05:32You told me to remove the mess by the officer's lines, sir.
05:40I meant that pile of old charpoys.
05:42So long, Colonel, sir.
05:46Excuse me, sir.
05:47But I have caused them to stop.
05:50And they have taken down roof and one wall only.
05:54Soon for that, boxer?
05:55The remainder fell down.
05:56Get out.
06:02Gunnar Parkins, leave the office, will you?
06:04Yes, sir.
06:08Oh, sorry, sir.
06:09Wait outside, Gunnar.
06:10Yes, sir.
06:13He'll have to go, you know.
06:15Anybody can make a mistake, sir.
06:17Yes, but he makes so many.
06:18I mean, the other day, I told him to order 2,000 tent pegs.
06:21You know what arrived?
06:222,000 tents.
06:26Just left out a four-letter word, sir.
06:27Yes, well, the quartermaster put in a few.
06:30His writing is awfully shoddy.
06:32That's why we got one dozen Bofors guns instead of one dozen Booth's gins.
06:36When he was in that concert party, he made an absolute shambles of a pretty girl.
06:41It's like a melody.
06:42Oh, yes.
06:43That was unforgivable.
06:45You ought to be on a charge.
06:47Due respect, sir, you can't charge a man with being a bit of a fool.
06:50I mean, there'd be no end to it.
06:58Well, post him up to the jungle or something.
07:00Ashwood, have you got your motorcycle?
07:02Yes, sir.
07:02Give me a lift into town, will you?
07:03Oh, I said I'd pop in and see Mrs. Waddy Love Evans.
07:07Major Waddy Love Evans has been selected for that hygiene course in Delhi.
07:10Oh, when's he going?
07:11The day before yesterday.
07:14That's a couple of months' course, sir.
07:16She must be very upset.
07:17She's taking it very well, actually.
07:21You can go in now, Perkins.
07:23Parking, sir.
07:24Well, you can go in.
07:24Yes, sir.
07:25Go in.
07:26Yes, sir.
07:26Am I going to get into trouble, Sergeant Major?
07:45Just sit down, boy, and get on with your work, will you?
07:47Yes, sir.
07:53He can't be my boy.
07:55He's an idiot.
07:59He can't be my dad.
08:01He's too much of a bastard.
08:05You haven't got my fine chiselled nose.
08:08I haven't got a fat ooter like his.
08:15What are you standing up, boy?
08:16Nothing, sir.
08:17Get on with your work.
08:18Get on with your work, then.
08:18Yes, sir.
08:19What is it them American film tarts I've tested
08:22when they are them maternity suites?
08:25Blood groups.
08:27Blood.
08:28Pardon, sir?
08:29No, blood.
08:30I cut myself shaving.
08:31Get on with your work.
08:32Yes, sir.
08:32That's it.
08:35Blood groups.
08:37I'll go and have a deco at both our medical records.
08:41I'm sorry, Parkey.
08:43There was this Indian bloke in charge of the records.
08:44He just wouldn't let me have a look.
08:46Well, you know what Indians are like when they get a bit of power.
08:48This one was plain impossible.
08:50What's that terrible people when they're in charge?
08:53How we British have been putting up with it all these years?
08:58They are never understanding.
09:00And I know this man, sir.
09:03He's an awkward sid, isn't it?
09:07No, it isn't.
09:08It's awkward sod.
09:10Indian twit.
09:11You are too kind.
09:28Sit down, lovely boys.
09:30Right, Johnny.
09:35It around, Charlie.
09:36Me want deco record, chitties.
09:38Sergeant Major William Sive.
09:39Gonna park in Sive.
09:42Who do you damn well think you're talking to?
09:51Act on Charlie.
09:52Why don't you talk to me in English, in which I'm matriculate?
09:56Otherwise, I would not be able to hold up this occupation.
09:59I am grade two clerk, not some damned native.
10:05Shut up!
10:07Get me them chitties jumping!
10:08Just a minute, my friend.
10:09Just a minute, my friend.
10:11Just a minute.
10:13What for are you doing ringing that bell?
10:16That bell is for ringing when I am not in the office.
10:20And you can see that I am in the office.
10:22So, don't you go ringing that damn bell.
10:31Get me them record chitties and be julling about it.
10:35Where is your chitty?
10:36I don't need a chitty!
10:37I must have a chitty, signed by the colonel, by some authorised medical person, and also by me.
10:51Now look, Johnny, don't you come in with me?
10:54What do you think that is?
10:54A tin carbuncle?
10:58I want my records and nobody's going to stop me seeing them.
11:01On the contrary, your records are highly confidential.
11:05What are you talking about?
11:06Well, there may be something on them that they do not wish you to know.
11:10Like what?
11:12Perhaps you failed your intelligence test.
11:23I've had enough of this.
11:25Me likewise also.
11:26Next, please.
11:27Can you touch that bell?
11:30No.
11:32It is you that is not to touch the bell.
11:34Well, I am permitted to touch the bell.
11:36Come on, let's get him in.
11:50Oh, my dear sir, I make top hole loose wallah.
11:54I have stolen record office chitties.
11:56Yeah, thanks, Randy, you're done well.
11:57Now, Paderewski, what do you make of them?
11:59I climb into record office window, silently a sneaky monkey, and I pinch chitties before you can say Jock Parkinson.
12:06All right.
12:08Here's your five-group, please.
12:09Thank you, sir.
12:11Paderewski, your blood group is O, and the Sergeant Major's is AB.
12:17What does that mean?
12:18It means that Paderewski cannot possibly be Sergeant Major William's son.
12:21Oh, my dear boy.
12:25Congratulations, Paderewski.
12:29Randy, Randy, come most quickly.
12:32Sergeant Major's son is calling for you to be in the Basha with our dilly-dally on the way.
12:37Run, rabbit, run.
12:41Edith.
12:43Dear little Edith from Colchester.
12:44He can't be ours, my dearest.
12:49I mean, he's not bad-looking, but he's such a burk.
12:56Come.
12:58Come here, Randy.
12:59Yes, sir.
13:01Now, listen to me.
13:03You are the only one who knows about me and young Parkins.
13:06Oh, yes, sir.
13:07That is heavenly issue of your line.
13:10Well, something like that.
13:11Now, look, I want you to go to the office where they keep some medical records.
13:18Open the window.
13:19It's open like that, sir.
13:24Take out both our records from the file and bring them here to me, Jaldi.
13:28Now, I know it's going to be difficult.
13:30Oh, no, sir.
13:30Not difficult at all.
13:32I'll give you five rupees.
13:35Little more difficult than that, I think, sir.
13:40Ten rupees.
13:41Now, Major Sarb, you are as good as done.
13:48Sorry, Randy.
13:48You can't have the records.
13:50I mean, it stands to reason.
13:51If old Shutup finds out he isn't his son,
13:53well, he'll have him posted up the jungle.
13:55Yeah.
13:55But, Sarb, I am a man of honor,
13:57and I have promised Sergeant Major Sarb
13:59that I will do burkling for him.
14:01Well, you'll just have to make an excuse, won't you?
14:04All right, Sarb.
14:05For you, I will make excuse.
14:07Sergeant Major Sarb,
14:08I could not do the burkling for you
14:10because I could not raise left leg.
14:14You see, many years since,
14:17I am straining,
14:19and I am bitten in left metatarsal, isn't it?
14:23By Py Dog in Hyderabad.
14:25I did not get hydrophobia,
14:28but never again would my left metatarsal go through window.
14:35Shut up.
14:36This can work out in our favor.
14:39How?
14:40Listen, you can't stay in the battery office
14:42because you've been a burk, right?
14:44Well...
14:44Right.
14:45We change your blood group on the record.
14:48He thinks you're his son,
14:50we put you back in the show,
14:52and that way you're our insurance.
14:54None of us will get posted up the jungle.
14:55Oh, I don't understand.
14:57Well done.
14:59Like him.
14:59I don't understand.
15:02It's simple.
15:04We change that.
15:05He thinks he's his saucepan lead.
15:06We take him with us,
15:07and he won't pass us up the jungle.
15:09Madam?
15:10Oh, I see.
15:11Well done.
15:12One minute has gone.
15:13Now he can again remember the money.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16LAUGHTER
15:17LAUGHTER
15:47Williams, blood group A.B.
16:02Parkins, Parkins.
16:10A.B., he is my boy.
16:17What are you doing, Eubara?
16:25Sergeant Major Saab, I was lying on my charpoy when I felt my conscience giving me a prick.
16:31And it said that I must move my metatarsal and go and do the burgling for Sergeant Major Saab.
16:37Shut up.
16:39Delighted.
16:41Good to light there.
16:42There's somebody coming.
16:43Oh, Sergeant Major Saab, do not worry, because I am slippery with cod liver oil.
16:47And you are slippery with dripping and cherry blossom.
16:50They cannot be holding us.
16:51Shut up.
16:53Come on, move, quick.
16:57What do you do that for?
16:58Oh, dear.
16:59It is jamming.
17:00But open it, dear.
17:01But it is jamming.
17:02It's jamming, all right.
17:03Don't worry, Sergeant Major.
17:20We are both slippery.
17:21They won't be able to hold us.
17:23You.
17:24I should cocoa.
17:26Sergeant Major Saab, you should have slipped out of your duty and run.
17:29It's all right for you, isn't it?
17:32I'd have been spotted a mile off.
17:37Didn't have enough boot polish for that bit.
17:42But, Sergeant Major Saab, now that you are knowing that Gunapaki is your begotten son,
17:46everything is beautiful and loveliness, isn't it?
17:49Well, at least that's cleared up.
17:51I don't know whether to be glad or sorry.
17:53The thing is, if he's in danger of getting posted, I've got to get him back in a concert party.
17:57That is it, Sergeant Major Saab.
17:59Put him back in concert party.
18:03What have you got on?
18:05Card liver oil, sir.
18:11It's like being cooped up with a moldy lobster.
18:15This is the end.
18:16I'm ruined.
18:17Ruined.
18:1721 years in Royal Artillery, 2 years service in Burma, warrant officer, Class 2, caught red-handed.
18:24Black-handed.
18:24Shut up!
18:28Randy.
18:29Randy.
18:31No!
18:32No!
18:33No!
18:34Shut up!
18:35I think it fancies me sorry.
18:39Randy.
18:39Randy.
18:43It's up.
18:44Is that you, Randy?
18:45It's up.
18:46Here.
18:46I heard two loose wallets have been cocked.
18:48Who's the other?
18:49Don't tell him.
18:50Don't tell him.
18:51I'm just a stupid ghouli of no importance.
18:56He's smelling of lamb chops.
18:58Randy.
18:59I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
19:00Listen.
19:01I'm going to get a chain, tie one end to the bars, and the other end I'm going to tie to
19:06an elephant.
19:07One good tug and the bar shall come out.
19:10Malum.
19:10Ha!
19:11Malum, as I.
19:11Bye.
19:11A long chain and an elephant at three o'clock in the morning.
19:16He's gone doolally.
19:18It's such a bit of some.
19:20How else do we to be escaping out of here?
19:22Hey, wait a minute.
19:24These walls have been in the mud.
19:26Grab a plate and start scratching.
19:27I'll tell you.
19:31Did you do what I told you?
19:32To the letter.
19:33Have you got the elephant?
19:34Do I look as if I got the elephant?
19:35What have you been playing at?
19:38I had to wake up the driver.
19:40I had to wake up the driver first.
19:41A hoot.
19:42No, his name was Pandit.
19:44He says to me, he says, you wake up the elephant and I'll get the chains.
19:47Oh, the trouble I had.
19:49You know, elephants get tired, you know, just like human beings.
19:51I'm going to shove those great big heavy logs around all day long.
19:54He was dead to the world.
19:55Dead to the world.
19:56I didn't know where to start.
19:57It was pitch dark.
19:58So, I'm not one to lose my head in a crisis.
20:01So, I thought, I'll start at the end at snoring.
20:03At least I think it was snoring.
20:07I tried everything.
20:09I kicked it.
20:09I punched it.
20:10I shouted at it.
20:11It was no good.
20:12You know what did the trick?
20:13Go on.
20:14I jumped on its trunk.
20:16At least I think it was its trunk.
20:19Anyway, his eyes started to water.
20:23And then, up he got.
20:24Where is it now?
20:26Well.
20:26What?
20:27Are you expecting an elephant?
20:28No, it's the way his dress is hanging.
20:31Bring it in here.
20:33What through there?
20:35Well, back it up and pull the chain through the gate.
20:37Now, come on.
20:38I'm off to it.
20:39Right.
20:39Just this one.
20:41I'll just about wriggle through.
20:42You go first.
20:44Lead the way straight back to my barter.
20:45Just have me just have.
20:47Still, can't you?
20:49Hand me that chain.
20:50Here you are.
20:53Listen.
20:55Stay clear of the window.
20:57Because one or two stones may come down when I pull the bars out.
20:59Ready, Paderewski?
21:03Ready.
21:04Take the string.
21:06Take the string.
21:08Pull.
21:09Pull.
21:09Pull.
21:09Come on, Paderewski.
21:25Oh, bloody hell.
21:28Well, with your permission, sir, Bombardier Solomons would like to give Gunnar Parkins another train a concert party.
21:34Well, we certainly can't risk keeping him here in the battery office, can we, Ashwood?
21:38Oh, definitely not, sir.
21:39The officer's mess is in absolute shambles.
21:42I hear part of the guardroom fell down last night.
21:47Do you have anything to do with that?
21:49Oh, definitely not, sir.
21:51An elephant bumped into it in the dark.
21:55Well, they're clumsy things.
21:56You're looking very brown, Sergeant Major.
22:03Touch of the sun.
22:05Going without his toe-pee, sir.
22:07I'm drinking many chatties of brown-heeled, Colonel South.
22:12The thing is, Colonel, we are putting in this new number in the show,
22:16and we all feel that Gunnar Parkins will be just the person to do it.
22:19Oh, will you all be dressing up as girls?
22:21No, sir.
22:22No, the Sergeant Major and I have agreed that for this number, we will not be dressing up as girls.
22:26I'm sorry, sir.
22:27Oh.
22:27What will you be doing then?
22:29Well, sir, with the proviso that they don't dress up as girls,
22:32I am leaving this production entirely to Bombardier Solomon's discretion.
22:47When the sun is shining bright, dispelling all the dews of night,
22:52with Sam Brown belt and batons bright,
22:55the old Sergeant Major.
22:59That's my boy.
23:00The veteran makes my army bed,
23:03and soon my boots are luster's shed.
23:07He turns me out from foot to head.
23:10The dapper Sergeant Major...
23:12He's a man, he is.
23:13I'm like them poor straps up as girls.
23:15Think woe to them that meet my eyes.
23:23They never do, they turn and fly.
23:30I'll say they fly.
23:31Oh, look, Sergeant Major's heart.
23:47They are just like you and your unbrained.
23:50All emasculated.
23:51Does it not make something stir within your heart?
23:55No, I...
23:56Revenge!
23:57I'm...
23:58Hooray!
24:01CHOIR SINGS
24:31CHOIR SINGS
25:01CHOIR SINGS
25:03CHOIR SINGS
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