- 6 months ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you, with music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey hey hey, with songs and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about, you won't feel blue, so meet the gang cause the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:27B O B O Y S boys to entertain you.
00:42Oh my godfathers, what hot day it is, so dusty and dry.
00:48We are all waiting for the monsoons to break, then we can get some rain.
00:54Oh, it is so lovely when the rains come here in India.
00:57All our plants and flowers begin to bloom, just like your English spring when your young lambs are born.
01:04Our little creatures are also born, baby cobras, baby pythons, baby scorpions and baby spiders.
01:13Oh, it is such delight. And what could be nicer than a glass of pure water from the heavens above?
01:22Only one thing, Ranji, and that is a glass of beer.
01:25Shit up straight when you are bunkering.
01:31Oh, gosh, it's hot.
01:34Oh, it's a dash nuisance. I'm trying to write this letter to my wife, but the sweat keeps dripping off my face and smudging the ink.
01:41I should have to write it all out again now.
01:43Oh, I shouldn't bother. Just put P.S. I miss you and she'll think it's tears.
01:46It's like an oven in this office.
01:52Panka Kuro.
01:54Not yet anymore.
01:56Good heavens.
01:58Sir?
02:00Guess what the thermometer's reading?
02:02Something light? Agatha Christie?
02:05Why do some people always have to make silly jokes?
02:09That was rather rude, Ashwood.
02:12I'm terribly sorry. It's this dreadful humidity. It's making me more nervy and on edge.
02:16Well, pull yourself together.
02:18My word, sir. Does you know what the thermometer is reading?
02:21The decline and fall of the Roman Empire.
02:26Hundred and eight degrees, sir.
02:28I know the monsoon isn't due for another week. Let's hope it doesn't get very much hotter.
02:32Always a difficult time here in India, sir. I've seen men go star craving mad.
02:36Hear that, Ashwood? You'd better watch out.
02:37Oh, by the way, I've had this report from the MO. The concert parties in a bad way. They're all suffering from prickly heat.
02:45That is because they will not take their salt out of it, sir.
02:47Well, you'd better see they do.
02:49I will see to it right away, sir.
02:54BAM!
02:56Yes, sir, Major, sir.
02:58Shut up. What's the concert party doing?
03:00What's up? They're all very sicky with the prickly heat.
03:04And they are prostate on their chart, boys.
03:08Oh, dear. How sad. Never mind.
03:10We must see what we can do to relieve their suffering.
03:13Go over the MO. Get a lot of salt tablets jolly. Bargo! Bargo!
03:15Bargo! Bargo!
03:16What's up, Sergeant?
03:18Sleepy time, girl.
03:20You're turning 19 today.
03:25Sleepy time, girl.
03:27You dance the...
03:28We're sick! We're sick!
03:42What are you doing? Are you mad?
03:44I didn't realise it was you, Sergeant Major. You see, I was asleep. I was delirious.
03:55Shut up!
03:57How dare you lie in bed in the middle of the day!
04:00But we're sick!
04:01Shut up!
04:02Hey!
04:03Hey!
04:04Hey!
04:05Oh, come on!
04:06I said...
04:07Move it, Sergeant!
04:08Move it, Sergeant!
04:09Come on, bombardier!
04:10Move it! Move, move, move!
04:11Yes, Sergeant Major. Come and move it!
04:12Stand!
04:13Stand!
04:14Stand for me!
04:15Bow tight!
04:16Stand on ice!
04:17Stand easy!
04:18Stop scratching!
04:20I'm sorry.
04:21I can't help it, Sergeant Major.
04:22This is prickly heat!
04:23Shut up!
04:24Get the orders cleared in state.
04:25The British at the ranch will not scratch.
04:26They are prickly heat bumps!
04:29Leave yourself alone, bombardier.
04:31Or I will make you wear boxing gloves.
04:36Pay attention, lovely boys.
04:38This is the oddest time of the year.
04:42We...
04:43He's not gonna give in.
04:45We...
04:46He's gonna fight it.
04:49The British soldiers, as always, fought the heat.
04:52And that is how...
04:53The British Empire was built.
04:55With plenty of guts.
04:57The British Empire was built.
04:58And plenty of gin and tonic.
05:03In other odd climates,
05:04Them foreigners do not know how to fight the heat.
05:07Every afternoon, they have what is called a fiesta.
05:11They lie around under banana trees.
05:14With their hats over their eyes, having a kip.
05:16Now, why do we not lie around under banana trees?
05:22Can I suck them?
05:25Because you won't let us.
05:26Shut up!
05:27Because we are British.
05:28We get off our backsides.
05:29And defies the sun.
05:30Come on, let's see you do it.
05:31When I say, defy the sun, you say, come on, son, do you a worst.
05:32Ready?
05:33Defy the sun.
05:34Come on, son.
05:35Come on, I won't do you a worst.
05:36Come on, son.
05:37Come on, I won't do you a worst.
05:38But that is no good.
05:40Because the sun is not afraid of a lord or a puss.
05:41Do it like men.
05:42Make the sun tremble with fear.
05:43Defy it.
05:44Again, on this time, shake your fists at it.
05:46Defy the sun.
05:47Come on, son.
05:48Come on, I won't do you a worst.
05:51But that is no good.
05:53Because the sun is not afraid of a lord or a puss.
05:57Do it like men.
06:02Make the sun tremble with fear.
06:05Defy it.
06:06Again, on this time, shake your fists at it.
06:09Defy the sun!
06:11Come on, son, dear!
06:13Do you a worst.
06:14Defy the sun!
06:15Come on, son.
06:16Do you a worst.
06:17I see.
06:18What's going on, Sergeant Major?
06:20Oh, I'm just telling the men to fight the sun, sir.
06:23Oh, good show.
06:24Carry on.
06:27The sun isn't an anatomical entity.
06:29It's an inanimate object.
06:30How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant Major?
06:32How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant Major?
06:34Well, let me tell you, Mr. Lardy-Dark, on a graham,
06:37the British Army can fight anything.
06:39Intimate or not.
06:40Stop scratching, stand still!
06:44Barra!
06:45Coming up.
06:46Get the chucky.
06:47Now, lovely boys.
06:49I is going to make you do something
06:51which I cannot rely on you to do on your own.
06:53And you all know what that is, don't you?
06:55Must we do it out here on the barracks square, Sergeant Major?
06:58After all, we're not children.
07:00Shut up.
07:01Get your pialas and hold them out.
07:03Fill them up, Barra.
07:07Fill them up, Barra.
07:08I'll check out a minute of that.
07:09They is going to need a lot of Pawnee
07:11to take their salt tablets.
07:13Now, on the command one,
07:14you will open your mouths
07:16and stick out your tongue.
07:19Watch it, then.
07:21What?
07:25It's not you, not you!
07:28Where's that salt tablets?
07:29Oh, yes, sir.
07:30Salt tablets are coming up.
07:31Right.
07:32Keep your tongue still.
07:42Sir?
07:43Beautiful tongue, boy.
07:46Keep your tongue still, Sagdan.
07:48You have got an idle tongue.
07:50I will not have idle tongues on parade.
07:59Right.
08:02Tans in.
08:03Mouths closed.
08:06Now, I knows you is crafty enough
08:07to hide them little salt tablets
08:08and you a big mouth
08:09till my back is turned
08:10and then spit them out.
08:11So, you is going to crunch them.
08:16Start crunching.
08:17Crunch, crunch!
08:21Brick!
08:26Eyes open.
08:27Tans out.
08:28Eyes left.
08:30I see, sir.
08:31Men are all sticking their tongues out
08:33at the Sergeant Major.
08:35I want to be able to put them on a charge
08:36rinse aboard a thingy.
08:39Do use your intelligence, Ashford.
08:41I don't want them all stamping in here
08:42in their heavy boots.
08:43It's far too hot.
08:45Come away, pretend you haven't seen them.
08:47Crunch!
08:48Let me hear you crunching!
08:50Crunch, crunch!
08:54Drink!
08:55Excuse me, Sergeant Major.
08:56But when do you take your salt tablets?
08:57Let me tell you, Mr. Lardy-Dark
08:58and the Graham eyes had more salt tablets
08:59for you's had hot dinner!
09:00I will show you.
09:01Right?
09:02I'll show you, right?
09:03I'll show you, right?
09:04Huh?
09:05Huh?
09:06I'll eat!
09:08I'll eat!
09:10Huh...
09:11Huh?
09:12Aw,aw!
09:19Ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:20Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:25Ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:27Huh?
09:28Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
09:30Are the men still sticking their tongue down the Sergeant Major, actually?
09:33No, sir.
09:34Oh, good.
09:35The Sergeant Major's sticking his tongue out of the mill.
09:40Actually, that's all right. He's allowed to do it to them.
09:44And that is the way to take a salt tablet.
09:47But, Sergeant Major, he didn't crunch it.
09:49Aye, and crunching's the hardest bit, eh?
09:52Rubbish.
09:53I don't reckon anyone could crunch more than three without being sick.
09:56I bet the Sergeant Major could.
10:00I'd say it was impossible to take more than three salt tablets without being sick, Sergeant Major.
10:09Shut up!
10:10I never heard so much fast about to take a few salt tablets all my life!
10:13I will show you, right? I'll show you.
10:15You took two, right? I will take six.
10:17Six?!
10:19And I will crunch them!
10:21Bella, you will issue the salt tablets.
10:2320,000 metres up.
10:25Start counting.
10:27One.
10:28Two.
10:29Three.
10:30Four.
10:31Five.
10:32Five.
10:33Six.
10:34Five.
10:35Six.
10:36Six.
10:37Three, four, five, six,
10:59one, four, five, six,
11:13There, I has done it because I am a man and I can control my stomach.
11:22I can control my stomach, not like you, a lord of pot.
11:33Dismiss.
11:52Tell me, Rangi, why is it that just before the monsoons, the British dig deep trenches around their houses?
12:04You ruddy foolish person.
12:07That is to keep the water out.
12:10If they did not do that, their houses would be flooded.
12:13And we British do not like to get our feet wet.
12:17The Manchester cantonment, which, as you know, has heaviest monsoons in the whole of England,
12:22has huge monsoon trench all around us.
12:26Not only does this keep the rainwater out, but it also stops the sheep from straying.
12:35Because the people don't want to tell the world if they have to keep their feet wet,
12:40that's why they call it Manchester Sheep Canal.
12:47Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig in our mind the whole day through.
12:51We dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, cause we damn will have to do.
12:57Look up, here he comes, shut up!
13:12Right, pay attention!
13:15Is you listening to me gonna sag down?!
13:18Yes, Sergeant Major.
13:19Shut up!
13:20I want this morson's ranch to deep, deep, deep.
13:24How long shall we keep digging, Sergeant Major?
13:26Until it is up to your shoulders, lovely boy.
13:29How long shall I keep digging, Sergeant Major?
13:31To you, he's out of sight.
13:36It really is awfully hot for this kind of work, Sergeant Major.
13:39Awfully hot for this kind of work, Sergeant Major.
13:41Mamma dear!
13:42Sir?
13:43Has you been doing what I told you today?
13:45What was that, Sergeant Major?
13:47Fighting the sun.
13:48Not actually fighting it.
13:50Not today.
13:51Right.
13:52We will do some now.
13:53Are you ready?
13:54Define the sun!
13:55Come on, sun!
13:57Do your worst!
13:58Again!
13:59Define the sun!
14:00Come on, sun!
14:01Do your worst!
14:03Let us hear you loud and clear, get us again!
14:06Define the sun!
14:08Come on, sun!
14:09Do your worst!
14:12Charlie!
14:14Charlie!
14:16Oh, you saved their lives, my Hammin.
14:17All right, fellas, tea break.
14:19Get in the shade.
14:20Give in to the sun.
14:22All right, sun.
14:24You win!
14:25Oh!
14:25Oh!
14:26Oh!
14:26Oh!
14:26Oh!
14:26Oh!
14:26Oh!
14:27Oh!
14:27Oh!
14:28Oh!
14:28Oh!
14:29Oh!
14:29Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:31Oh!
14:31Oh!
14:32Oh!
14:33Oh!
14:33Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:34Oh!
14:35Oh!
14:35Oh!
14:36Oh!
14:36Oh!
14:37Oh!
14:37Oh!
14:38Oh!
14:38Oh!
14:39Oh!
14:39Oh!
14:40Oh!
14:40Oh!
14:41Oh!
14:41Oh!
14:42Oh!
14:42Oh!
14:43Oh!
14:43Oh!
14:44Oh!
14:44Oh!
14:45Oh!
14:45Oh!
14:46Oh!
14:46Oh!
14:47Oh!
14:47Oh!
14:48Oh!
14:48Oh!
14:49Oh!
14:49Oh!
14:50Oh!
14:50Oh!
14:51Oh!
14:51Oh!
14:52Oh!
14:52Oh!
14:53Oh!
14:53Oh!
14:54Oh!
14:54Oh!
14:55Oh!
14:55Oh!
14:56Oh!
14:56Oh!
14:57Oh!
14:57Oh!
14:58I think it's cruel the way the Sergeant Major keeps taking the mickey out of him.
15:01Well, I've had enough of it. He's always making remarks about my stature.
15:04I can't help being small. I'll tell you, one of these days he'll drive me too far.
15:08I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. I've had enough, I tell you. I've had enough.
15:11I can't stand it any longer. I can't stand it.
15:17Sahab, he has got it.
15:19Got what?
15:20The monsoon madness, sahab.
15:22What's monsoon madness?
15:23Well, sahab, it is the sickness that has flicked in British troops ever since they came to India.
15:28You see, sahab, as the monsoon approaches, it gets hotter and hotter, and heat presses on brain.
15:34Permit me to tell you one story, sah.
15:38Twenty years ago, my father was better to a young officer who was a very bad man, Oboot Karab.
15:43All the soldiers hated him, and he was making their lives one hell of a hell.
15:48Well, as the monsoon approached, things grew worse and worse.
15:52Then one day, one of the soldiers got the madness, and he ran into this naughty officer's basher,
15:59and he shot him, stony dead.
16:03Angie, isn't there any cure?
16:05Yes, sahab.
16:05When the monsoon was broken, the madness will pass.
16:09But until then, lofty sahab will be...
16:10Twist.
16:20Twist.
16:24Twist.
16:25I mean, stick.
16:25You said twist.
16:27You said twist.
16:28I said stick.
16:29No, you didn't.
16:29Yes, I did.
16:30Oh, you grate me, butch, hairy haggis.
16:33You are going to beat that hell.
16:35I can't remember what I said.
16:36You're getting my nerve.
16:39You're getting my nerve.
16:40Hey, listen, fellas, remember what the sergeant made us eat?
16:43We mustn't let this eat get us down.
16:45Oh, look, fellas, are we playing cards a while?
16:47Yes.
16:48Let's carry on, then.
16:49Pick your money up.
16:51Say, chaps, what's Lofty doing?
16:55Don't huff me.
16:57I'm getting worried about Lofty.
16:59I think we ought to tell the MO.
17:00He was making very strange noises in his sleep last night.
17:03Now, what's he doing?
17:10Don't look round.
17:11Just don't look round.
17:13I reckon he's going to shoot himself.
17:15Don't be silly.
17:16He hasn't got any ammunition.
17:19Ah!
17:22Are you all right?
17:25It's no use.
17:26I thought it would get it out of me system, but it hasn't.
17:29I still hate him.
17:33I'm going to strangle him with me bare hands.
17:35I'm going to squeeze the life out of him.
17:37You couldn't squeeze a lemon.
17:40I feel as if I've got the strength of ten men.
17:42Ten men?
17:44Well, ten little men.
17:47It's interesting.
17:48We're your friends.
17:49Come over here and play cards.
17:50Leave me alone now!
17:51I hate him, I hate him!
17:53Perhaps we ought to go after him.
17:55Oh, don't be silly.
17:56How can he possibly kill the sergeant major?
17:59He'll soon calm down.
18:00Come, let's play cards.
18:03Right.
18:04Gloria?
18:05Yes?
18:05I'm a bit worried.
18:06Well, we're all worried about Lofty, aren't we?
18:08Not Lofty, it's me.
18:09Eh?
18:09You know in the desert song scene where I come on and say,
18:13Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
18:16Yes.
18:17I think it should be,
18:18Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
18:21Is that better?
18:25Well, it's...
18:27Look, fellas, he's back.
18:28Don't look round.
18:29Are you, er, all right, Lofty?
18:32I feel fine, thanks.
18:33Good.
18:34Oh, what's that you got there?
18:35A tin of petrol.
18:38Nice!
18:40Anybody got a match?
18:41Aye.
18:43Here you are, sir.
18:45Thanks very much.
18:47On the other hand, I could say,
18:49Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
18:54Petal.
18:55Matches.
18:56And it's come on!
19:00I'll get him.
19:01I'll get him.
19:04I don't accept the word on fire.
19:21You're the bombardier,
19:22and you've got to do something.
19:23Aye, Petal.
19:24You can't let things go on like this.
19:26Just the minute I'm thinking.
19:27But he's such a little man.
19:35How can he possibly kill the sergeant major?
19:37Well, he totally nearly succeeded last night with that petrol.
19:39Look, he hasn't got any ammunition,
19:41so he can't shoot him, right?
19:43He can't get near enough to stab him with a knife, right?
19:46And he hasn't got any poison.
19:47So how else can he kill him?
19:48Look, the monsoon will break in a few days,
20:14and then Lofty will be all right.
20:16In the meantime, we've just got to watch him day and night.
20:20Wendy, Wendy.
20:21Huh?
20:22Bad news.
20:23Water crap.
20:24Oh, ho, ho, ho.
20:25Oh, ho, ho.
20:26Oh, ho, ho.
20:29You ruddy fools.
20:32How dare you come bursting in here
20:33when we are having a party conference, huh?
20:36Tell them, Ramazan.
20:37Yes, sir.
20:37You've got to go to me, sir.
20:38You've got to go to me, sir.
20:38You've got to go to me, sir.
20:39Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
20:41Sir, he said that Lofty, sir, is digging a big pit.
20:44Blimey, he's going to bury the sergeant major.
20:47You, sir, take the little bit of the lumbi lumbi lumbi
20:49and take it to the ground.
20:50Oh, he's going to do it in the ground.
20:52And whoever will go to the ground,
20:53Oh, ho.
20:55Come, fellas.
20:56Come, let's see it.
20:58Do not forsake me, oh, my darling.
21:03Are you there?
21:03Are you there?
21:04Calling you out.
21:05We're going to have a showdown.
21:13Do you hear me, Williams?
21:14I'm waiting.
21:26This camp isn't big enough for both of us, Williams.
21:32Have you gone off your flaming rocker?
21:34We're going to settle this here and now.
21:38Watch it, boy.
21:40You don't want to end up in the glasshouse.
21:43There isn't a glasshouse big enough to hold me.
21:47You want a touch of the sun, boy?
21:50Now, come in your in the shade.
21:52We'll have a nice little chat.
21:53You and me are through talking, Williams.
21:55This is where you get yours.
21:59Watch it.
22:01He's going to lead him into the pit.
22:03We've got to stop him.
22:05Show us where it is, Randy.
22:06Take his heart.
22:09You're yellow, Williams.
22:10You've made my life a hell.
22:11And now you're going to pay.
22:13Don't catch me.
22:23Don't catch me.
22:28Fish face.
22:29Fish face.
22:29David, come on.
22:59So I ordered them to place Gunnar Sagdan under close arrest, sir, and that is the old story.
23:04Why did you all throw yourselves in front of the sergeant major, Armadier?
23:07Well, you see, sir, we were trying to protect Mr. Williams, sir,
23:10and we weren't quite sure what Gunnar Sagdan might do to him.
23:13In the prisoner's defence, sir, I think I can say that he is a weak, ineffectual character.
23:19Who under normal circumstances would not say boot away goose.
23:22It's my opinion that the son has disarranged him,
23:25and he's a victim of what is known amongst British troops here in India as Monsoon Madness.
23:30I understand your concerns, Sergeant Major, but this is a very serious charge,
23:34insulting behaviour and threatening physical violence.
23:37We've no proof that Gunnar Sagdan is suffering from Monsoon Madness.
23:42I must say, he looks perfectly sane to me.
23:45What have you got to say for yourself, Sagdan?
23:49Songs of France surround us, break the chains of violence,
23:53and to help with Burgundy!
23:55I see you.
24:15Detain in Camp Hospital for medical report.
24:18That is all, dismiss.
24:19Bring the escort of the tank, quick man!
24:22Change me around, please!
24:24I ain't half nervous, Gloria.
24:42Lofty's in hospital, and you're the only one that knows the song.
24:45Remember, Parky, the show must go on.
24:48Water, water. For God's sake, give me water.
24:52Bell tab.
24:53Well, lovely boy, you've been to us, I've been watching.
24:56Fight better shoulders, show them off on stage.
25:03How's this?
25:04Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
25:07Look, Nosher, just say the words.
25:10Pop, pop, here's bad news.
25:11Lofty Sarver's escape from the hospital.
25:14Well, do you think you'll come here?
25:15I don't know. I can't think about that now.
25:18I've got a show.
25:19Parky, you're wrong.
25:20You're wrong, you've got to put the mountain on.
25:22Put the mountain on.
25:23Oh, it's not.
25:23Mountain, you're wrong.
25:24Here, mountains.
25:27Thank you, fellas.
25:32Thank you very much, fellas.
25:35And now we say farewell to Sir Fleur,
25:37and hello to the desert soul.
25:40The scene takes place in a riff-strong hold
25:42in the mountains of Morocco.
25:43Take it away, Professor.
25:54Get out of sight, you buck.
25:56Hey, get out of sight, you buck.
26:03Blue, and blue, and blue, and oil, and sand, kiss in the blue.
26:16The show's going well tonight, yes?
26:25I think it's rotten.
26:27This fellow, Parkins, is a pet on Gunner-Sugden.
26:29You really are getting most awfully ratty, aren't you?
26:31The sooner will the monsoon breaks, the better.
26:33Give me that night, dear boy,
26:37and let my arms ignore the sky.
26:44I can't remember this bit, Ashwin.
26:46Who else that?
26:47I don't know, and I don't care.
26:50Look, if you're going to behave like this all night,
26:51I should stand somewhere else.
26:52No, dear boy.
26:55That's my boy.
26:56Beautiful, beautiful.
26:57Beautiful.
27:00There's a soul of the river.
27:02Where am I?
27:11Suggler, what are you doing here?
27:14I don't know.
27:15I feel funny.
27:17I've got a great weight that's been taken off me.
27:19Why is Parky singing my song?
27:20Shut up.
27:23Be boy, no desert flower, be boy.
27:26I cannot be yours.
27:27Could I have another lover?
27:29See what I have done to your lover?
27:32I've had him pegged out in the desert for three days now.
27:35Bring him in here.
27:37Here he is.
27:39Oh, master.
27:40Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
27:43Louder, they can't be you, louder.
27:44Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
27:48Listen to that rain, Ashwin.
27:50Could drop the shoes and outside, we'd all be sick.
27:52Water, water, for God's sake, give me water.
27:55You know, there's an old Hindu proverb which say that when the monsoon breaks and the rain comes pouring down, those who practice yoga by standing on their heads are in great danger.
28:20Therefore, the wise man will always wear a bathing cap, so that when he's standing on his head, it bubbles, he will not get water on the brain.
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