- 6 months ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:10With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey.
00:16With songs and sketches and jokes old and new, with us about you and Phil Blue.
00:22So meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:27B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
00:46Yesterday, I heard some most exciting news.
00:50Quite by accident, I was sitting outside the window of the battery office
00:53when I heard Colonel Reynolds Saab saying to the Captain Saab
00:57that this was the time of the year when a list is to be sent to Delhi
01:01of those people who are going to be given the O-B-E.
01:05Now, this is something that makes us British very proud.
01:09And the Colonel Saab was saying that he is hoping that his name is also going to be on the list.
01:14Now, if you possess the order of the British Empire,
01:19it means that you can order anything you like.
01:24Egg and chips, cups of char.
01:27And you do not have to pay.
01:30And this gives you great power.
01:32Now, if I had the O-B-E, I would order every morning
01:36my mother-in-law to bring me my breakfast in bed.
01:38This would be a problem because I sleep on the floor.
01:47How's it coming on, Alfred?
01:49You swine, you foul swine.
01:51I beg your pardon?
01:53I'm just going over this bit I've written, sir.
01:55Beg your pardon, sir, the language sounds a bit strong.
01:58Yes, I quite agree.
01:59If I'm writing a pageant about the British in India,
02:02I've got to make it strong.
02:04Read it out.
02:04This is the bit about the Indian mutiny,
02:06where the sepoys are revolting.
02:08Officer, you swine, you foul swine,
02:11you betrayed your trust.
02:13Bring on the next one.
02:15They drag on the trussed up sepoy.
02:17Officer, truss him to the cannon for betraying his trust.
02:21The sepoys trussed to the cannon.
02:24Yeah, what do you think of that, sir?
02:26Too many trusses.
02:28What do you think, Sergeant Major?
02:30Well, sir, I mean, being tied to a cannon
02:32could give anybody a rupture.
02:34I love that bit you wrote about
02:35stuffing people down the black hole.
02:38You mean the black hole of Calcutta?
02:39Yeah, it's just the sort of thing
02:40that would appeal to the district officer.
02:42He's a real old blimp, you know.
02:43Loves the red, white, and blue.
02:45So we've got to present the British
02:46in the best possible light.
02:48That's a good idea, sir.
02:50It's about time we British blew our own trumpets.
02:53I'm very proud, sir,
02:54to have served in the British army in India
02:56for the past ten years.
02:57And during that time, sir,
02:58I've had some wonderful comrades,
03:00tough men,
03:00every one of them real soldiers.
03:04Come in.
03:07We're all waiting.
03:13Shut up!
03:14What are you talking about?
03:16You tell me to get the concert party,
03:17I'm afraid, at ten hundred hours.
03:19Shut up, you do not come in here
03:20like a girl guide mistress
03:21and say we're all waiting.
03:24There's supposed to be a bombardier
03:25in the Royal Artillery
03:26who comes in here and you says,
03:27The man is on parade, sir!
03:29Do it.
03:30The man is on parade, go!
03:35Sergeant Major,
03:36you better tell the chaps
03:36about our demobilisation plans.
03:38Oh, he does not want their minds
03:39on going home, sir.
03:40Do you mean we're all going home, sir?
03:42In a manner of speaking ears.
03:43Shut up and wait outside.
03:47Fellas!
03:48We're all going home!
03:49Yeah!
03:50What are you talking about, Gloria?
03:51I just heard the colonel
03:52tell the Sergeant Major
03:53we're all going to be demobilised!
03:55Not you, not you!
04:01Now, the colonel
04:04has instructed me
04:06to read out to you
04:07the demobilisation plans.
04:09Can I go and pack my bag?
04:10Shut up!
04:11I can't see you
04:12is not going anywhere, Suggdon.
04:14In forming a decomposition
04:15of who goes in what group,
04:17the War Office, in its wisdom,
04:19has taken the following things
04:20into consideration.
04:21Length of service
04:22and age.
04:23Now, none of you
04:24is very old
04:25and since you do not get points
04:27when having a bald head
04:28or being the only garden gnome
04:34in the British Army
04:35or for being a load of puffs,
04:41you're going to have to wait
04:42a very long, long time, Suggdon.
04:43How long has you been in the Army?
04:45Eleven months.
04:46Pathetic.
04:47I've only been in for ten months,
04:49Sergeant Major.
04:50Ah, yes, but you have made
04:51very good use of your time,
04:52my son.
04:53Boy!
04:54What's my demomb number,
04:55Sergeant Major?
04:55I would.
04:58You is top of the form, boy.
05:00I must congratulate you
05:01on having such eye marks.
05:03Suggdon,
05:04your number is 98.
05:07And what's longer
05:08have I got in the Army, then?
05:09Oh, difficult question.
05:11However,
05:12with the hate of Mr Lardy-Dar
05:13Gunner Graham's
05:14huge and shiny brain,
05:16we will attempt to solve it.
05:17How long's he got?
05:18Well, I'd have to know
05:18when the war's going to end
05:19to work it out, Sergeant Major.
05:20Well, let us take
05:21an hypercritical example.
05:24Let's assume that the war
05:25is going to end
05:26dinner time today.
05:28Ah, let me see.
05:28They're going to release
05:30two groups a month,
05:3124 a year,
05:32divided by four.
05:34If the war ends today,
05:35it will be four years
05:37and two months.
05:39Oh, dear.
05:39Outside, never mind.
05:43Suggdon,
05:44you will be the only one left.
05:47Oh, you know,
05:48we British
05:49have so much
05:50to look forward to
05:51when we get home.
05:52Oh, blimey, yes.
05:53A brave new world.
05:55Everything is going to be free
05:56because we have
05:58the beverage report.
05:59Oh?
06:00The beverage report?
06:01You mean everyone
06:02is going to have
06:03free cups of char?
06:05You bloody fool!
06:07Not that kind of beverage.
06:08It is what we are calling
06:10a healthy service.
06:12It means
06:12that you can go to
06:13Dr. Saab
06:14and get a free wig,
06:16free false teeth
06:17and free spectacles.
06:18But I have plenty of wear
06:19on all my teeth
06:20and I don't need any spectacle.
06:22Don't be so ruddy ungrateful.
06:26Hmm.
06:27Not bad at all.
06:29Not bad at all, Ashwood.
06:30You, uh...
06:31You don't think
06:33it's too, uh,
06:34jingoistic, sir?
06:35No, no, no.
06:36Grant Foster,
06:36the district officer,
06:37will just love it.
06:38Oh, by the way,
06:39this visit of his
06:40is very important to me,
06:41you know.
06:41I have it on the very best authority
06:43but one or two OBEs
06:44floating about.
06:45Oh.
06:46Do you think I'll get one, sir?
06:47No, but I might.
06:48I know it's on the list
06:49and if I can just make
06:50a good impression
06:51with this pageant,
06:52it might just clinch it for me.
06:53Come on.
06:54Grant!
06:55Turn!
06:58There's just one thing, sir.
06:59I don't think
07:00Bombardier Beaumont
07:01ought to produce the pageant.
07:02You'll probably have them
07:03all doing high kicks.
07:04Oh, who's going to do it then?
07:06I thought, uh,
07:07Gunnar Graham.
07:08After all,
07:08he is a university man
07:10and he can give it
07:11the integrity it needs.
07:12The man is ready
07:13for you now, sir.
07:14Thank you, Sergeant Middow.
07:15Stand up at ease, will you?
07:16Come on.
07:17Thunder!
07:19Ice!
07:22Right, Chaps.
07:23Now, in two weeks' time,
07:25the district officer,
07:26Grant Foster,
07:27is visiting the depot.
07:28Now, he's a very patriotic man,
07:31so in order that you can
07:31make a good impression on him,
07:33Captain Ashwood here
07:34has written a pageant
07:35for you to perform.
07:36It's called
07:37The British in India
07:38and it deals with
07:39all the good things
07:40we British have done
07:41for the Indians
07:42over the past 200 years.
07:44What can be written
07:44written on
07:46por-system?
07:48What up?
07:49Sergeant Major Sarb,
07:51he means
07:51huge por-system.
07:54Right, you better
07:54put him in the picture,
07:55Ashwood.
07:56Very good, sir.
07:57Now, the first thing
07:57I have to tell you is
07:58that the pageant
07:59will be produced
08:00by Gunnar Graham.
08:01That's not fair, sir.
08:04I always produce
08:04all the shows.
08:05Shut up!
08:06How dare you know
08:06talking in the ranks?
08:07Don't worry, Beaumont,
08:08you will be playing
08:09the leading part,
08:10Queen Victoria.
08:13Now then,
08:13I'll read out your names
08:14one by one
08:15and tell you
08:16which historical characters
08:17you will be playing.
08:18Right,
08:19when the officer
08:19calls out your name,
08:20you will take one pace forward
08:21and learn about
08:22your historical parts.
08:25Sir Parkins?
08:26Sir?
08:27You will be playing
08:28Dizzy?
08:29Yes, sir.
08:31With respect, sir,
08:32if you want somebody
08:33to take the part
08:34of a idiot,
08:36I mean,
08:37why not have
08:37something more appropriate
08:38like Gunnar Sutherland?
08:41I'm talking about
08:42Benjamin Disraeli.
08:44Gunnar McIntosh?
08:45Sir?
08:46You will play
08:46John Brown.
08:47Gunnar McIntosh,
08:48John Brown!
08:49Oh, hi, oh, hi,
08:50the news.
08:52I say,
08:53that's awfully good.
08:56Gunnar Clark?
08:57Sir?
08:57You will play Clyde?
08:59Yes, sir.
09:00Gunnar Sugden?
09:01Yes, sir.
09:02You will play
09:03General Whitehouse?
09:04Gunnar Sugden,
09:05General Shorthouse!
09:08You're born, sir,
09:09slip of the tongue.
09:10General Whitehouse!
09:11Yes, sir.
09:12Gunnar Evans?
09:13Sir?
09:14Ah, yes.
09:16Well,
09:17there'll be a few
09:18bits and pieces for you.
09:20Can I play
09:21Prince Albert, please?
09:22Can you play what?
09:23Speak up!
09:24Prince Albert, sir.
09:26Prince Albert
09:27isn't even in it.
09:28Oh.
09:30That's a pity.
09:31I look like him.
09:35Right, well,
09:35that's all.
09:36I think jolly good luck
09:37and make it a first-class show.
09:39Carry on, Bombardier.
09:40This is terrible.
09:46It's boring.
09:47It's got no jokes
09:47and no songs.
09:48I couldn't agree more.
09:50And besides that,
09:51I'm the Bombardier
09:51and I should be in charge.
09:52All right,
09:53you're the Bombardier,
09:54you're in charge,
09:54you go and tell the Colonel
09:55that Captain Ashwood's pageant
09:57is terrible.
09:58It's got no jokes,
09:59no songs
09:59and it's boring.
10:00What?
10:00You mad?
10:01Precisely.
10:02We've got to do it.
10:02So let's get on and do it.
10:03Now, come on, everybody.
10:04Come along.
10:04Quiet, everybody.
10:09Quiet, everybody.
10:10Everybody quiet.
10:17What are you doing?
10:19But, sir,
10:19I'm the stage manager
10:20so I have to tell them
10:21to be quiet as well.
10:23You ready, Gloria?
10:24Yes, ready.
10:25Enter Queen Victoria.
10:34Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
10:42My name's Queen Victoria.
10:43Wait a minute, wait a minute.
10:47It doesn't say
10:48good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
10:50In the script,
10:51you're making a sound
10:51like a cheap variety term.
10:54That's nice.
10:56Cheap variety term, am I?
10:58Let me tell you,
10:58I'm proud to have grease made
10:59running through my veins.
11:01It's better than being
11:01a la-di-da,
11:02universally twit,
11:03poms are about all day ago,
11:04or four, four, four.
11:06Listen, sweetheart,
11:07I'm the bombardier
11:08and I'm going to do it
11:09with razzmatazz.
11:11Gloria's right.
11:12This needs some razzmatazz.
11:14I'll go along with Gloria.
11:16Razzmatazz is everything.
11:17Yeah.
11:17When it comes to showbiz,
11:19Gloria's got it up here.
11:20You know something?
11:21Before he came along,
11:22I was useless.
11:26Yeah,
11:26Ellie taught me how to
11:28enhance my natural good looks
11:29with a few death strokes
11:30of grease paint.
11:31Oh, son,
11:32what an overwhelmingly large
11:34testimonial you have been given.
11:39I see.
11:41I've got a marvellous idea.
11:42When you come on,
11:43you say,
11:44good evening,
11:45ladies and gentlemen.
11:47Right,
11:47let's do the entrance again,
11:48shall we?
11:49Enter Queen Victoria.
11:51Good evening,
12:03ladies and gentlemen.
12:03Oh,
12:04excuse me,
12:05sir,
12:05one more minute.
12:06You have forgotten your cheeks.
12:07Oh,
12:08I don't need those.
12:09Laurie,
12:09it's a well-known historical fact
12:11that Queen Victoria
12:12had a fat face.
12:13All right.
12:14what?
12:17What?
12:19What?
12:26Good evening,
12:27what?
12:28It's sad!
12:30Tom,
12:30why don't you try a chipati?
12:32Then you can eat it afterwards.
12:34All right.
12:35All right.
12:36Do it without the cheeks.
12:37Thank you very much.
12:38Let me tell you the story
12:46of what we British did
12:47for the Indians
12:48and how we made them civilised.
12:52I am the Empress of India
12:53and one day
12:54I was sitting in my study
12:55at Windsor Castle
12:56and in came
12:57my faithful Highland servant,
13:00ladies and gentlemen,
13:01John Brown!
13:03John Brown, sir!
13:06Good evening,
13:06ladies and gentlemen.
13:07I am the Queen's
13:08faithful Highland servant,
13:09John Brown.
13:11Keep right on
13:12to the incontent.
13:13Yes!
13:14What are you doing?
13:16I'm just getting
13:16some Scottish razzmatazz, eh?
13:19Anyhow,
13:19John Brown was a crawler,
13:21eh?
13:21He's sucking up
13:21to the English.
13:22Kneel!
13:23Then in came
13:25my faithful
13:25prime minister,
13:27ladies and gentlemen,
13:28Benjamin Disraeli!
13:31Benjamin Disraeli, sir!
13:34I am the Queen's
13:35faithful prime minister,
13:36Benjamin Disraeli.
13:37Oy vey already.
13:42What's that mean?
13:43Well, he was Jewish,
13:44won't he?
13:46I can't go on.
13:47I've had enough.
13:48I've had enough.
13:49It's a travesty.
13:51It's rubbish, rubbish.
13:52I could write a bit of
13:53paintings that sit on the ground.
13:54I'll do it.
13:55I'll do it.
14:00I'll do it because
14:01I am a pro.
14:03Let me tell you the story of Clive
14:08and the black hole of Calcutta.
14:11I think I'll stand up for this next bit.
14:14The page of history turns.
14:16Page of history turnings up.
14:17And England and Scotland.
14:24Well, tonight's the night, Ashwood.
14:26I expect you're feeling nervous.
14:27Yes, I am, rather, sir.
14:29You know, I've been thinking,
14:30if this pageant is a success,
14:32after the war,
14:33I might chuck up my job in Civvy Street
14:35and become a playwright.
14:36Steady on, Ashwood.
14:37But I shouldn't do anything too rash.
14:39The question I have to ask myself is,
14:41how good am I?
14:42Ah, well,
14:43what do you think, Sergeant Major?
14:46Yes, Sergeant Major,
14:47you've read it.
14:48I mean, I'm asking you,
14:50there's a man in the street.
14:51What did you think of it?
14:53Well, sir, I do not know much
14:54about the playwright.
14:56To be fair,
14:57I don't think he was quite
14:57any class of noil coward.
15:00Or Somerset Morgan.
15:05I love that bit about stuffing people
15:07down the black hole.
15:10How perceptive are you, Sergeant Major.
15:12That scene is the key
15:13to the whole thing.
15:14Mind you, it wasn't easy.
15:16I was up for two nights
15:17wrestling with it.
15:18I had to say to myself,
15:20what would my feelings be
15:21if I were stuffed
15:22down that black hole?
15:23I shouldn't think
15:24that you'd like it very much, Ashwood.
15:26Exactly, sir.
15:27That's the answer.
15:29I wouldn't want to go down there.
15:31Now, there's this chap
15:32standing outside the black hole
15:34and not wanting to go down there.
15:37Now, what would he say?
15:39Then it came to me in a flash.
15:41He'd say,
15:42please don't stuff me
15:44down that black hole.
15:45Please don't stuff me
15:47down that black hole.
15:49Please.
15:49Sorry.
15:50Am I interrupting anything?
15:51Not at all.
15:52Come in.
15:53Good morning.
15:55My name's Collins.
15:56I'm the LO to the district officer.
15:58Ah, good morning.
16:00Colonel Reynolds,
16:01Captain Ashwood,
16:02Sergeant Major Williams.
16:03Ah.
16:03Well, I just popped over
16:05to settle the last-minute
16:06arrangements for tonight.
16:07Oh, good.
16:07Well, the concert party
16:08are having their dress rehearsal
16:09this afternoon.
16:10Would you like to watch it?
16:11Oh, rather.
16:11I shall enjoy that.
16:13Oh, by the way,
16:13who's written this pageant?
16:15Captain Ashwood.
16:16Oh, I say.
16:18Are you one of these
16:20writer chappies?
16:21Well, in a way, yes.
16:23I dabble a bit, you know.
16:26I say, do you really?
16:28Perhaps we could discuss it
16:29over some lunch.
16:30Oh, rather.
16:31I shall enjoy that.
16:35Rather, I shall enjoy that.
16:39I'd like to stuff them
16:41all down the black hole.
16:46Oh, don't stuff me
16:47down the black hole.
16:49Have mercy.
16:50Ha, ha, ha.
16:51I shall show you no mercy.
16:53Get down.
16:54Ha, ha, ha.
16:56Do you hear that, sir?
16:58Those pointed words,
16:59they say everything, don't they?
17:00He doesn't want to go down there.
17:02I think it's pretty obvious
17:03to everyone by now.
17:05I was determined
17:06to have my revenge.
17:11Watch out.
17:12Take a break
17:13for one minute, Aro.
17:15What on earth's the matter, Ashwood?
17:17You look as though
17:17you're going to be sick.
17:19I can't believe
17:20I've written it, sir.
17:21It's magic.
17:24My words have all
17:25come to life.
17:28How do you like it, Collins?
17:29Oh, this is really
17:30strong stuff.
17:31Very pro-British.
17:33The old man will
17:34lap it off.
17:35Right, carry on.
17:36It's the bit about
17:37the Indian mutiny next, sir.
17:40The page of history
17:41turning.
17:43The page of history
17:44turning, sir.
17:451857, I was having
17:53a lot of troubles
17:54with my empire,
17:56but the worst trouble
17:57of all
17:58was the trouble
17:58I was having
17:59in my pajamas.
18:00Don't let General Whitehouse
18:05tell you
18:05in his own words.
18:08Ladies and gentlemen,
18:10General Whitehouse!
18:11Just watch
18:22all that noise out there.
18:25General Whitehouse,
18:26your sepoys are revolting.
18:28I've never heard anything
18:29like it in all my life!
18:33But he is refusing
18:35to bite on this
18:36greasy cartridge
18:36because of his religion.
18:38Stuff and nonsense!
18:40Take it, my mate!
18:41Don't do it with me!
18:42Don't do it with me!
18:43Don't do it with me!
18:44Don't do it with me!
18:45Don't do it with me!
18:46Don't do it with me!
18:47Don't do it with me!
18:48Don't do it with me!
18:49Don't do it with me!
18:50Don't do it with me!
18:51This Indian chap is
18:52a good actor!
18:53What's he going
18:54on about, Graeme?
18:55I don't know, sir.
18:56Something seems
18:57to have gone wrong here.
18:58What's he saying, Angie?
18:59He's saying
19:00he will not bite the cartridge
19:01because of the grease.
19:02It is against his religion.
19:03But it's in the play!
19:04It is also in real life, sir.
19:05Tell him he's got to bite
19:06it, otherwise
19:07he'll be out of the show.
19:08Hey!
19:11We've got another mutiny on our hands!
19:15What are you going
19:16to do, Colonel?
19:17Be calm, everybody.
19:18Excuse me, sir.
19:20Why don't you try
19:21using Vaseline?
19:22Good idea, but I want
19:23to use Vaseline.
19:24It's not an animal fat.
19:25It comes from an oil well.
19:26Is it a male
19:31or feminine oil well?
19:33I don't know
19:34what all the fuss is about.
19:35Tastes all right to me.
19:36Right, carry on.
19:37If they'd used Vaseline
19:39in 1857,
19:40they wouldn't have been
19:41a mutiny in the first place.
19:42Look, anyone could be
19:43clever with hindsight, I shouldn't.
19:44Right, take him out
19:46and tie him to a cannon.
19:47That will knock
19:48some sense into him.
19:49Yes, sir.
19:50And so, once again,
19:53British fair play
19:54and sound common sense
19:56triumphed
19:57and my empire
19:59were safe.
20:01Oh, Britannia, Britannia rules
20:05go away.
20:06Britain never, never, never
20:08shall be safe.
20:12You think Grant Foster's going to like this?
20:22Oh, he'll go for it all right.
20:23It's real patriotic blood and thunder stuff.
20:26Just his cup of tea.
20:27And I must say, you know,
20:29it's got a sort of naive integrity.
20:32Naive integrity.
20:33Hear that, Asher?
20:34Thank you very much.
20:36Must dash.
20:37See you tonight.
20:39Excuse me, sir.
20:41I must just have a word with my cast.
20:43What do you think of it, Sergeant Major?
20:47Well, sir, I does not wish
20:48to desiccate Captain Ashwood's work.
20:50But I've never seen
20:51such a load of old twaddle
20:52in all my life.
20:54How do I look, Mohamed?
20:56Oh, beautiful, sir.
20:57But there is one thing missing, sir.
20:58Oh, what's that?
20:59I have seen a statue
21:00of Queen Victoria in Bombay.
21:02And she always has a
21:04pigeon on it.
21:05Oh, beautiful, sir.
21:06But there is one thing missing, sir.
21:07Oh, what's that?
21:08I have seen a statue
21:09of Queen Victoria in Bombay.
21:11And she always has a pigeon on her head.
21:14Why do you not have a pigeon on yours?
21:16Oh, shut up, you burk!
21:20Now, Asher, as soon as Grant Foster gets here,
21:22we'll give him a few drinks,
21:23take him out there, show him the show,
21:24and then take him back
21:25for a slap-up dinner, all right?
21:26Asher, put him in a good mood.
21:29Ah, Collins, just in time for a drink.
21:31He's not coming.
21:32What?
21:33Grant Foster, he can't come.
21:34He's sending his deputy.
21:35Well, that's not much good.
21:36It certainly isn't.
21:37He's an Indian.
21:39An Indian?
21:40Well, can't we change the show, sir?
21:42Oh, there isn't time.
21:43Oh, Lord.
21:44What shall we do, sir?
21:45Sergeant Major,
21:46go and tell the concert party
21:47to get through the show
21:48as quickly as possible.
21:49There's just a chance
21:50if they speak fast enough,
21:51this Indian chappy won't know
21:52what on earth they're talking about.
21:55Right, sir.
21:56But that's no good.
21:57This deputy Patel's an Oxford man.
21:59He speaks perfect English.
22:01It's all your fault, Asher,
22:02writing this jingoistic rubbish.
22:04But you said you liked the bit
22:06about stuffing the people
22:07down the black hole.
22:08Will you shut up
22:09about the black hole?
22:10You're obsessed with it.
22:11The whole thing's
22:12absolute piffle, anyway.
22:15Piffle?
22:17But you said it had
22:18naive integrity.
22:20I'm...
22:21I'm shattered.
22:23Bang goes my OBE.
22:25What OBE?
22:27I understood my name was on the list.
22:29Yes, it was.
22:30But this chap, Patel,
22:31crossed it off.
22:32Damn cheek.
22:33In that case,
22:34I don't care if he does see the pedrant.
22:36You'd better care, sir.
22:37This could cause
22:38a serious diplomatic incident.
22:39Now, I should lose my job,
22:41and you could face a court-martial.
22:43Ah.
22:44Oh, yes, sir.
22:45Good evening, sir.
22:46Yes, do come in.
22:47This is Colonel Reynolds
22:48and Captain Ashwood.
22:49Good evening.
22:50May I present my wife,
22:51Mrs Patel?
22:52Yes.
22:53Good evening.
22:54Can I have you drink?
22:55No, thank you.
22:56We do not drink.
22:57It is against our religion.
22:58Oh, yes, of course.
22:59Well, er...
23:00It's jolly nice
23:01for you to come along
23:02and see our little show.
23:03I didn't want to come.
23:04I've got quite enough work
23:05to do as it is,
23:06trying to clear up
23:07some of the mess
23:08you British have made.
23:09Oh, well, in that case,
23:10perhaps you'd rather not see it.
23:11No, now I'm here.
23:12It is my duty to see it.
23:13Right, now, listen, fellas.
23:14The Colonel wants us
23:15to get through the show
23:16very quickly
23:17so everybody speak fast.
23:18Right?
23:19And Patel Roussi
23:20is going to play the piano
23:21very loudly
23:22so nobody can hear
23:23what we're saying.
23:24All right.
23:25And when I come on,
23:26what shall I play, then?
23:28Play what you usually play
23:29for a cheap variety turn.
23:31Right, sir.
23:33If you and your lady
23:35would come to sit down
23:36by here, sir,
23:37the show will commence.
23:39I just wish the ground
23:41would open and swallow me, sir.
23:43Ladies and gentlemen,
23:46welcome to the show.
23:49Tonight, we present...
23:56The story of the British in India.
24:03Ladies and gentlemen,
24:04Queen Victoria.
24:06Victoria.
24:07Ha, ha.
24:08Had a name like Devin,
24:09Marlon Screamly Tourer.
24:10Stop!
24:11I can't tell the world
24:13that we spoke.
24:14No, you fellow,
24:15stop that music.
24:16Now, start again
24:20and speak more slowly this time.
24:21Oh, man.
24:22slowly this time let me tell you what we British did for the Indians and how we
24:33made them civilized no sooner do I sit down than you insult me are you aware
24:42sir that we Indians were civilized when you British were walking about in skins
24:46oh with respect sir there has been a mistake by you what she meant to say sir
24:55was how the Indian civilized us he's not not correct that's a matter carry on
25:00your majesty ladies and gentlemen I am John Brown the
25:15Queen's faithful Highland servant oh hi the new oh hi Benjamin Disraeli
25:26we spiteful Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and he was the first British
25:31Prime Minister was a Indian his real name was Ben Ahmedul Ali the page of history
25:41terms page of history turnings up Clive of India good gentlemen ladies and evening my name is Clive of
25:57India and I am very worried because the wicked now up of Bengal has captured 146 of my men and he's
26:04going to stop him down the black hole of Calcutta this of course is not the true story of the black
26:13ball of Calcutta hands up who knows the real story do not agree does you not know with you a university
26:22education yes well they were actually a a party of tourists who were inspecting the black hole the door
26:32slant behind them and they couldn't get up well done clever boy the page of history turns age of history
26:40turning far
26:43and 57 the Indian mutiny
26:51and what else you'll see boys are revolting but I have kept to the ringleader are you going to buy the
27:00cartridge I'm gonna have to have come you go in a guy got you know book name no this of course was not a
27:07mutiny at all I it is now generally agreed it was a industrial dispute to the mouth of a cannon what a terrible
27:16thing I hear you say to pin in a man at the mouth of a cannon let's gonna graham tell you what really
27:21happened yes well this is a misinterpretation what actually was said was take him out and get the opinion
27:32from the mouth of the cannon the Reverend Timothy Jones who was the arbitrator in the case
27:38yeah enough of that we was uh we've all very good friends like happy days going to happy day
27:44did you enjoy the pattern sir well Colonel our Indian
28:14shows of song dance and mime are incomprehensible to your western eyes your shows are equally
28:20incomprehensible to our eastern eyes but whereas the Indian ones last for four or five hours yours
28:29only last four or five minutes perhaps we can learn something from your British after all you know
28:35there's an old Hindu problem which say that if you are giving a lecture on history make sure you get
28:41your facts right otherwise you may have to eat your words and this would give you terrible hiccups
28:47history has a habit of repeating itself
28:52more than the other people say that if you have the other people say that I know the birds and this would give you terrible hiccups
29:07the blues and this one of the people say that I want to think of kick out and I want to speak to you
29:13Because the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
29:19Meet again, because the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
29:36B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
29:41B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
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