- 6 months ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00India, the brightest jewel in Great Britain's crown of empire.
00:16For 200 years, many famous heroes fought to keep the Union Jack flying over this vast continent.
00:231757, Clive of India.
00:261826, Colonel William Sleeman, who suppressed the thugs.
00:321857, General Havelock, hero of Lucknow.
00:381945, this great tradition of empire is defended by a new generation of heroes.
00:46Meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:51With music and laughter, to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey.
00:58With songs and sketches and jokes on anew, with us about you and Phil Blue.
01:04So meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
01:10B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
01:15B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
01:16B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
01:25B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
01:32the music and laughter to help you on your way to raising the rafters with the hey hey hey
01:44all right fellas all right let's try it again and this time get it right remember this is supposed
01:50to be a sophisticated number you're all smart new york men about town
01:54how can i be sophisticated in this heat i'm sweating like a pig just do what i do imagine
02:06you're sweating champagne and diamonds all right gloria look here look here when he gets the line
02:14i'm putting him his shirt stabs some of you are putting them in from the top and some from the
02:18bottom and you lofty look as if you're doing that with your flies you must all do it from the same
02:24place here yes from your navels thank you solid is talking right we'll try it from there ready a one
02:34a two a one two three four i'm holding my shirt hold it hold it hold it kids we won't have to
02:43actually put the studs in will we no of course not oh really great big sweaty bush idiot well
02:51i'll have warned you once before next knock knock it off and then he did
03:00we're gonna do a show tonight right now from the top are you ready
03:08now from the top a one a two a one two three four
03:12oh
03:21what top hole song that is
03:30my dear into an atmosphere that's
03:32that's
03:34and that's a statue
03:36hold it hold it
03:36typical every time you get in my line randy any news what up graham sab is still on jankers and not
03:44free to play piano for your excellent rehearsal oh great oh great how am i supposed to rehearse a
03:50professional show without pedroos getting a piano do you see the sergeant major yes but he is not
03:56listening to me all time thing shut up and so he's making graham sab whiten the stones are it marvelous
04:04am i trying to do my ginger rogers and the pianist is whitening stones that sergeant major shut up goes
04:10too far i mean the way he carries on anyone think we were soldiers or something look if we are going to
04:16open tonight we've got to get a jowdy on and when in doubt fellas go to the top men i'm going to send a
04:21note to the colonel that's solid old sergeant made this up shut up i'll have you all good for
04:26garters oh no he won't sunshine because we're the colonel's blue-eyed boys remember now randy
04:30let's out i'm giving you a chitty to take to the colonel's side take i get that right pay for
04:35someone here sorry i've got some paper quick quick pencil pencil right i am putting on my top hat
04:46tying on my white tie brushing on my tails
04:56the m's up on the m's up do not worry all is well i have one chitty for colonel
05:01south it will secure your release so that you will be free to tickle your ivories
05:08no randy it won't work they'll never let me off jankers until i finish painting all these stones
05:14oh gosh it's hot isn't it now what you're needing is one nice cup of tea
05:22i will whiten the stones for you oh no no it is very infradig for a man like you
05:27to be doing work like this you must think of your beautiful hands and let me do the infradigging
05:32i'm approaching as instantly as possible
05:41you all go shouting about as if i was some damn native
05:48i will shout at you as much as i please
05:50i'm sure you will be most enchanted
06:04be seated so you may drink your tea more comfortably because it is more fitting
06:08well thank you very much it's probably decent of you around
06:14hey huh sir roll artillery depot uh what was the fare uh two rupiah
06:24one moment sir one moment how much is this fellow charging you he said
06:30dough ropey or whatever that is but it is only one mile to real history son
06:35leave this to me sab i know how to handle these damn natives
06:40you're enjoying you a tea gunner yes what the hell's going on
07:02get that dirty charron off my veranda how dare you the two pins i take your pass away and i'll be
07:08off the camp oh sergeant minister please don't do that i'm a poor humble man with a wife and eight
07:13lovingly children to support don't take away my livelihood i'm urgently shut up
07:26what's your name gunner parking sir
07:33where have you been the rest of the draft arrived yesterday
07:36you are 24 hours late well you see shut up
07:45depot orders state that burrs will not travel in rickshaws i'm sorry sergeant major
07:51that's no excuse lovely boy
07:57they're dirty they're filthy you could catch some very nasty things sitting in one of those
08:03you
08:08you get that dirty lousy flea-ridden contraption out of here now move yourself jolly jolly
08:14oh jolly well done sergeant major sob that is putting him in his place shut up
08:20willingly sob you are too kind
08:22oh mr la-dee-da gunner graham what did you think you was doing sitting down for there drinking tea
08:31why wasn't you whitening them storms i'm terribly sorry sergeant
08:36it is totally my fault i did not think it right for man like graham sob to be doing job like this
08:42after all he's highly educated man and has that benefit of world-famous oxford university
08:48hallowed walls and ivy ivy covered balls is it indeed
08:54shut up
08:55now bearer take gunner parking around the quartermaster stores and draw a mosquito net jolly
09:03sir i have one get on with those stones graham absolutely right away sergeant
09:08what do you say he say there is no point in bunkering if there is no one in office to punker for
09:24you tell him his job is to punker and he has to keep punkering or he'll get my foot up his punker
09:30don't you worry sir i will tell him good and strong too many of these damn people too big for damn boots
09:41royal artillery devil do lally battery sergeant major william's here
09:45inspector sing sir no sir the colonel's not here at the moment plus you care to ring back very good sir
09:55who's that sergeant major i didn't see you there sir
10:00it was inspector sing sir he's uh he's ringing back later
10:12you all right sir as a matter of fact i'm terribly worried sergeant major exposing it to this hot sun
10:19seems to shrivel it up
10:30well uh perhaps you ought to keep it covered sir
10:37yes as a matter of fact i was thinking of putting a little tent over it
10:41have a look tell me what you think
10:48after all you should know you've been out here longer than i have
10:51well you're quite right sir definitely shriveled
11:02i'd give it up value never do any good in this damn heat over
11:14what do you want bearer sergeant major sir i have one qt for colonel sal i thought i told you to get
11:27over the quarter master stores we'll get a parking just going something oh then jolly jolly you are too kind
11:34who's it from bombardier solomon sir
11:36you're sending you notes i've heard such impertinence in all my life what's he say
11:44it says can bombardier solomon have the services of gunner graham as he is needed most urgently
11:48for you for yourself well that's the pianist bloke isn't it yes sir we'd better send him over there
11:53straight away so he's on jankers i can't help that sergeant majors they're opening night we don't want
11:59the show to be shambles do we now see to it we do good sir
12:07gunner graham
12:08sir major report the concert party barshi straight away
12:12oh that really is jolly sporting of him
12:18with respect sir i must point out that those men in the concert party have no right to be here
12:22they should all be posted up the jungle it's only a holding unit exactly troops arriving here from
12:27the uk no it's the last stop before they go on to burma memorial must be kept up sergeant major
12:32the concert party does a first-rate job the men need to be entertained well they do have the
12:37garish and kinema sir oh that's not quite the same thing at all is it ashwood oh no sir
12:41you can't beat a live show young fellas and girls on the stage first rate
12:49they're not real girls sir they're men dressed up as girls
12:55i'm well aware of that sergeant major i'm not a complete fool you know
12:59well with the foot lights on them and lipstick and powder and uh one thing in another
13:05they're not too bad at all really i mean damn it in this godforsaken hole they're the nearest
13:10thing we're going to get to women i thought you put that very well i should
13:13such a sloppy shower sir i mean every one of them's got a different hat on i can't help that
13:21sergeant major this is a holding unit i'm not authorized to issue extra clothing unless the
13:25men are posted to active service but i do see your point uh we need a concert party what we want is a
13:31smart concert party so uh uh give them some parades or something right sir i'll smarten them up
13:43captain ashwood oh good morning captain ashwood inspector singh here oh hello boy
13:48and what can i do for you i just thought i'd give you a tinkle i've got a bit of a flap on here
13:53there's a demonstration tonight oh lord the big one no only about 500 but the procession will be
14:00passing by the camp just keep the gate shut and stay inside all my men will be on duty
14:05uh well thanks for warning us cheerio doodle people boy uh that was uh inspector singh sir
14:11the policeman chappy there's going to be a demonstration tonight oh not another one
14:16never heard such impertinence in all my life sir here we are fighting to defend their country from
14:21the japanese and how do they repay us march by the camp every night shouting quit india
14:27base ingratitude that's what it is quit india why should bloody cogo
14:32britannia britannia rules the waves britain never never never shall be slaves
14:54you wait here sir i will depart to sergeant major sir
14:57right hey you sit up straight when you are punkering where do you think you are for god's sake
15:11how dare you to who do i think you're talking to i am better to concert party which is top whole job
15:18so don't you go getting ideas above your terminus wait outside
15:34sergeant major sir kindly ask you to wait
15:38we sit it's up he shouts a lot don't he oh he's not hard man only on top is he fierce
15:44at bottom he's soft like that mango he weren't very soft with that fella pulling that string he kicked
15:51him oh but he did not kick him very hard sir and he's only low caste fellow we british have to be
15:59firm it is only way we must maintain law and order is the only thing these fellows understand
16:07let me give you one illustration now take the bee one nice furry little fellow in football jersey isn't
16:19it we go about doing his business in peace and making beautiful sweetness but if anybody give him
16:26any trouble there is always sting in the bum that is stinging the bum that is stinging the bum sir
16:36come here sir you made it up
16:41come here sir gunner parking has drawn mosquito net but where must he go for accommodation
16:48he'll only be here a couple of days put him in the concert party barger
16:50oh just now get a minute i'll come with you a few words to say to that lot
16:56oh
17:05Ants beneath me and Wobos Aigar or Derry Tabaligar.
17:09And shit upstate when you're bunkering.
17:12It's fine, O Shalimar.
17:17Where are you now?
17:19Who lies beneath your spell?
17:26Hold it, hold it, hold it.
17:29Anything wrong?
17:32It's not all wrong.
17:32Pale hands, shmale hands, you've got to sell it.
17:37Give it the old eyes and teeth.
17:40Shall I show you?
17:42My throat.
17:44Pale hands I love
17:47Beside the shalimar
17:50Dad, make your bloods go fall and move your shalimar!
17:57Move it.
18:02All right, Gunner.
18:06Spare charpoi at the end.
18:08Bearer.
18:09Up.
18:09Show him how to put up his mosquito net, jaldi, jaldi.
18:11I just am, youngy, very giddy.
18:13Stand to attention when I'm talking to you!
18:17I've never seen anything like it in all my life.
18:20You've got more hats amongst you than a lady's flaming aberdashery department.
18:24Where have you been, Gunner?
18:25Sorry, Sergeant Major.
18:27I'm not well.
18:29I've got a Bombay trots.
18:34Have you been eating bananas without cutting the ends off?
18:38Try it!
18:41Depot orders clearly state that BORs will not eat bananas without cutting the ends off.
18:48Now fall in, lovely boy.
18:51Yes, Sergeant Major.
18:51I mean, no, I can't eat!
19:00He's got no control.
19:04That's his trouble.
19:07He wants to get some service in.
19:10Don't eat?
19:14I wish I had a pound for every dose of the deli belly I've had.
19:17Is that the only hat you've got, Gunner?
19:32Yes, Sergeant Major.
19:33It's MO's orders.
19:35It protects my head from the sun.
19:37I've got very thin skull bones.
19:38Well, you know why that is, don't you?
19:42No.
19:43You've got such a huge brain.
19:45It's rubbing on the inside and wearing your head out.
19:53So funny.
19:56Mr. La-dee-da, Gunner Graham.
19:59You wouldn't know the difference if I climbed up your nostrils and kicked your brains out.
20:03But there's one thing you've got to remember, lovely boy.
20:11When you were up there in Burma wading through swamps,
20:15with slant-eyed Japanese waiting for you behind every tree,
20:19your university education won't do you much good up there, will it?
20:23No, Sergeant Major.
20:24No, Sergeant Major.
20:25I know, boy.
20:31I had two years up in that jungle,
20:33playing hide-and-seek with those sons of the writing sun.
20:37And I am going to make sure that you,
20:40and the rest of you,
20:42poofs,
20:43end up right there.
20:47Oh, I know you're the colonel's favourite,
20:50but he's only got to take one step outside this camp,
20:54and I'll have you on that training at the jungle
20:56so fast your feet won't touch the ground!
21:01That's all.
21:04Dismiss!
21:04And move yourselves up!
21:07Oh, really?
21:08There was awful boring jungle reminiscences.
21:12Oh, really?
21:13Oh, shut up!
21:13It's gone too far this time.
21:15It's upset me with all that talk about jungles.
21:18I mean, I mean,
21:19am I expected to do a show tonight
21:21after all that chat?
21:23You can do it.
21:24Lovely girl.
21:26Why does everyone call a Sergeant Major old shut-up?
21:29Because, sir,
21:30he is all time telling everybody to shut up.
21:33He never is shut up.
21:34All time saying,
21:35shut up, shut up, shut up,
21:36all time, shut up, shut up.
21:37Oh, blimey, deary me.
21:39You're not feeling well?
21:54I feel terrible.
21:56I'm frightened to cough.
22:00I'll have to go sick.
22:02You can't do that.
22:03We'll be one short for the top hat number.
22:05How can he help that?
22:07How can he move?
22:09Oh, you're so amateurish.
22:10Listen, Petaloff,
22:11warn you for the last...
22:12No!
22:13Oh, no!
22:17Well,
22:18we'll have to do
22:19number one short, I thought.
22:22Yeah,
22:23that's right.
22:24Let's do it one short.
22:26Oh, very good.
22:27Very shrewd.
22:29And then old Shaddaf will know
22:30we can manage with one less.
22:32And Atlas will get posted.
22:34And that'll only be the thin end of the wedge.
22:36Before you can turn around,
22:37you'll all be back in Burma.
22:38Oh.
22:39Oh, no, fellas.
22:40We've got to find someone
22:41to take his place.
22:44Sorry, I've not been able
22:45to write home before.
22:48I've now been out in India
22:49two days and it's awful.
22:51No, I'd better not put that.
22:56I've now been out in India
22:58two days.
23:00And it ain't half hot, Mum.
23:01Oh, happy days
23:09are here again.
23:11Now, I'm sorry.
23:12Do I look all right?
23:13Fine, fine.
23:14I ran half nervous.
23:15What happens if I forget me words?
23:16Just hoping to shut you off.
23:17No one will nail the difference.
23:18Oh, believe it.
23:21Don't drop your flipping stick.
23:22No, right, quickly.
23:23Do your flies up.
23:24Where are you now?
23:29Where are you now?
23:37Thank you very much, thank you very much, thank you very much.
23:51Sir, it seems to be going well, Sergeant Major.
23:55Yes, sir.
23:56Didn't you want to see it?
23:58No, sir.
24:00I cannot bear to see those pansies
24:02poncing about on the stage.
24:04Paint on their faces.
24:06It's not normal and it's not natural.
24:12Captain Ashwood here?
24:13Hello, Ashwood, old boy.
24:14I'm seeing here.
24:15I have some bad news for you.
24:17The demonstration has started.
24:19Don't worry, old man.
24:20We can handle it.
24:21We've put on extra guards
24:22who say there'll only be about 500 in the possession.
24:25Lord no, more like 5,000.
24:27Never seen such a mob.
24:29They've broken every glass window
24:30in the police station except my office.
24:32Fortunately, that's too far for them to throw.
24:39Must be some damn cricketers amongst them.
24:43They've put every man you have in the camp on duty.
24:45I'm coming over now.
24:48Bit of a flap on, Sergeant Major.
24:50There's a mob of 5,000 making for the camp.
24:53What a damn nuisance.
24:56All the chaps are in the theatre watching the show.
24:59Don't you worry about that, sir.
25:00I'll soon have them out of there.
25:01Right, I'll warn the guard room.
25:05Seriously, fellas, seriously.
25:06On a serious note.
25:07We must say goodbye to the banks of the Shelley Mar.
25:10And hello to the glamour and sophistication
25:13of New York's Broadway, Park Avenue
25:15and 42nd Street.
25:17Take it away, Professor!
25:18Here, Gloria, where have you been?
25:24I can't find my red knickers anywhere.
25:28Have you seen them, Ranger?
25:29Put them on your chair, sir.
25:30Well, they're not there now, sweetheart.
25:32Well, let's go along without them.
25:33Oh, don't be stupid.
25:34How can I do my gingerbread-roges eye-kicks
25:36and my army draw a sailor?
25:37How can I do my red knickers?
25:38There's no time.
25:39Don't be so professional.
25:40Oh, very well.
25:41Just have to make me high kicks, low kicks, that's all.
25:43You're all low-slope.
25:44Take your hands off.
25:45I've never known what I was nothing.
25:47Oh, shut up.
25:47It's like Amazon, I think, sit here.
25:49Never had this in the old days.
25:52It's a weave.
25:53It's naughty.
25:55And Ranger Rogers.
25:57And I trust that you'll excuse my death
25:59when I'm dead half again.
26:01I'm not going to be there
26:04walking on the top
26:06that's tie number one, tie.
26:10Oh, what a beautiful woman the sob makes.
26:17Where's Bombardier Solomon?
26:19Oh, he's doing Freddy's stare sob.
26:22Is he?
26:24Stop the show, Bombardier.
26:25Stop the show.
26:26I said stop the show.
26:28I said stop the show.
26:29I thought I saw something.
26:30I didn't know to think no.
26:32Right.
26:36Right, all of you.
26:52Report for duty at once.
26:54Oh.
26:54A riot is intimate.
26:59A large body of hostile civilians
27:00is approaching a camp.
27:02Steel helmets,
27:04rifles and bayonets,
27:05and the double move!
27:07Hey.
27:08I'm going, you lot!
27:10I'm going, you lovely boys.
27:11You are coming with me
27:12on the main gate.
27:13We have it, somebody else!
27:14Move it, move it!
27:15Oh, don't be, don't be, don't be!
27:17Move it!
27:17Let's have it out there now.
27:19Here they come.
27:28Look at those, Bombardier.
27:30Look at them.
27:31Look at what, Sergeant Major?
27:32Those banners.
27:34British gore.
27:36British gore.
27:38Bloody cheek.
27:40Here we are fighting
27:41to defend their country.
27:43And this is how they repay us.
27:47You rotten and dreadful bastards!
27:49How dare you!
27:51How flaming dare you!
27:53Oh!
27:54Cow dung!
28:09Cow dung all over my best unit.
28:12You should take it as a compliment
28:13to them the cow's a sacred animal.
28:15What to do, Sergeant Major Saab?
28:20What is world coming to?
28:22When will these damn natives
28:24learn to keep their place?
28:25Thank you!
28:30Thank you!
28:32Thank you!
28:33The boys are in
28:34The boys who let the thank you
28:36The children and laughter
28:39And they want your friend
28:40The friends and laughter
28:42And they love
28:42Hey, hey, hey!
28:43The boys are in
28:44The boys are in
28:45The boys who let the do
28:46With us above
28:48You know you're blue
28:49So meet the gangplots
28:51The boys are in
28:52The boys who let the do
28:54We are here to make you feel gay
28:58So give us a cheer with the hey, hey, hey
29:02Just gather around
29:03And put down your gun
29:05With us above
29:06There's plenty of fun
29:08So meet the gangplots
29:10The boys are in
29:11The boys are in
29:12The boys to entertain you
29:14V-O-V-O-Y-S
29:17The boys to entertain you
29:20Land of hope and glory
29:23Mother of the free
29:26Shut up!
29:27Shut up!
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