- 2 days ago
First broadcast 27th February 1973.
Bob invites Terry to a trendy dinner party.
Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris
James Bolam - Terry Collier
Brigit Forsyth - Thelma
Sheila Fearn - Audrey Collier
Olive Milbourne - Mrs Collier
Julian Holloway - Alan Boyle
Jacquie-Ann Carr - Brenda Boyle (as Jacqui-Ann Carr)
Bob invites Terry to a trendy dinner party.
Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris
James Bolam - Terry Collier
Brigit Forsyth - Thelma
Sheila Fearn - Audrey Collier
Olive Milbourne - Mrs Collier
Julian Holloway - Alan Boyle
Jacquie-Ann Carr - Brenda Boyle (as Jacqui-Ann Carr)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Ooh, what happened to you, whatever happened to me?
00:08And what became of the people we used to be?
00:16Tomorrow's almost over, the day went by so fast
00:22It's the only thing to look forward to, the past
00:31This is your 16th cup of tea.
00:43They don't give the 4.30 result of the weather being here.
00:45Fresh pot every time.
00:47Or Adoc Park. I thought this was supposed to be an evening paper.
00:50Oh, don't put your cigarette dumps in the saucer.
00:52Oh, come on, Mum. I'm not having tea at the Dorchester.
00:55We wouldn't have you near the Dorchester.
00:57We wouldn't let you near their coal cellars.
01:00What do you mean?
01:01Well, look at yourself, son.
01:03You haven't shaved. Your hair's not been near a comb.
01:06The dustman comes today, so don't linger near the front door.
01:09We may never see you again.
01:11I'm just casual.
01:13You're not casual, Terry. You're slovenly.
01:15What if anybody called?
01:16Well, it's all right. I'm in, aren't I?
01:18What if that nice young lady selling cosmetics comes round
01:21or the young fellow with the contact lenses
01:23who predicts the end of the world?
01:25Well, what's more to the point is can't he predict
01:27who's going to win the 4.30 at Adoc Park.
01:29Have you nothing better to do with your time?
01:32Mother, I have been in the army for five years,
01:35five whole years, serving my country
01:38so that people like you could sleep safely in their beds at night
01:41so that this country can be somewhere
01:43where you can bring up kids decent.
01:45Well, I should have thought the army would have taught you pride
01:47in your appearance.
01:48What you can see here is a reaction, if you like,
01:51and don't touch that jigsaw.
01:53A reaction to the years of hardship, discipline and danger.
01:57I'm entitled to take it easy for a bit.
02:00All I want to do now is just to catch up on
02:02and do some reading and reflect on life.
02:05Well, the only reading you've caught up on
02:06is the back numbers of the football monthly
02:08and these glossy magazines with nude au pair girls on the front.
02:12The only reflecting you've done
02:14is who's going to win the 4.30 at Adoc Park.
02:17Mother, it's a trouble, and I've got it up and down and all.
02:20You're letting yourself go.
02:22I mean, your clothes and your manners.
02:24You spend half your day in bed
02:25and the other half in front of the television.
02:27The only fresh air you get
02:29is when you go down to the betting shop.
02:30You never speak except to ask for more tea
02:32or the bottle opener.
02:33You're turning into a young handicapped.
02:35I've had a very active day, physically and mentally.
02:38I went all the way down to the black horse this morning
02:40and back here and fought the flab with Terry Wogan
02:43and it's been a very intellectual afternoon on the box
02:46of what's gliding in the Dolomites,
02:48building a dam in Syria and intermediate Spanish.
02:51Much as gracias.
02:52It's amazing what you can learn on those school programmes, you know.
02:56If you hadn't gone to the laundrette,
02:58you would have learned about the metamorphosis of the frog.
03:01Well, I had to do all your clothes, didn't I?
03:05Biologically.
03:08Now, who's that?
03:09Come through.
03:10It's only me.
03:11I just thought I'd flop in on my way back from work.
03:14How's our working-class hero?
03:16Oh, doesn't he look a sight?
03:18I've just been telling him.
03:19Now, look at Bob.
03:21Look at his lovely suit.
03:22Look at his hair.
03:24He's well-groomed.
03:25That's what Bob is.
03:26Well-groomed.
03:27A bit tight, them trousers, aren't they?
03:29One false move, you'll end up back in the choir singing soprano again.
03:34Now, that was coarse and unnecessary.
03:36Don't bring your barrack-room behaviour into this house.
03:39Would you like a cup of tea, Bob?
03:40Oh, lovely, if it's no trouble.
03:41Well, I made 16 already, Pet, so one more won't make any difference.
03:45You bit get your thinking cap on, my lad.
03:47There's more to life than football and nude au pair girls.
03:53Nude au pair girls? What? Where? Where?
03:56Sorry, kidder, you've just missed them.
03:58Eh, you do look in a state.
04:00Have you been in that chair all day?
04:01Oh, don't you start.
04:03I deserve a break.
04:04I've been catching up on me learning and reading.
04:08I didn't know Frank Sinatra had married Mia Farrow.
04:11Mia Farrow?
04:12How old is that thing?
04:13That was over ages ago.
04:15She's married to Andre Previn now.
04:16They've got twins.
04:18Married who?
04:19Andre Previn.
04:20You know, he's a conductor.
04:21Oh, aye.
04:22What route's he on?
04:23You know nothing.
04:27I certainly didn't know a lovely girl like that had married someone on the buses.
04:30My God, there's hope for us all.
04:32Must be funny for him, though, eh?
04:34Morning, Andre.
04:35Fort, will he please?
04:36How are things in Hollywood?
04:38I bet they don't have to give him stick down the depot.
04:40Andre Previn is the resident conductor with the LSO.
04:44The London School of Economics?
04:46That's the LSE.
04:47I thought that was a drug.
04:48That's LSD.
04:49I thought that was money.
04:50It was, before decimal coinage.
04:52Have you heard of that?
04:54Decimalisation?
04:55That's where the state takes over industry.
04:58Oh, that's nationalisation.
05:00My God, he's got one right.
05:01Will you take the money or go on for a major prize?
05:04This week, it's a musical lawnmower or a cocktail cabinet with a built-in spin dryer.
05:08I know enough.
05:10I know enough.
05:11I bet I'll learn more from that box than you do down at your office.
05:14Will you look as if you're on the box?
05:16You look like a social misfit being interviewed on Panorama.
05:20Look at your hair and that vest sat in your chair surrounded by racing editions.
05:24You're like a premature Andy Capp.
05:26You're the second person who said that today.
05:28Well, let me tell you something.
05:29I love Andy Capp.
05:31I am proud of my home and my class.
05:34Just because you're flirting with the lower, lower, middle, middle.
05:36Just because you've got yourself an office job and your fiancé lives on a Tudor estate with a monkey tree.
05:41Look, I want to take you out.
05:42I want to get you out of yourself.
05:44I want you to meet people, friends of mine that you don't know.
05:47But how can I?
05:48How can I take you into people's homes looking like that?
05:51They wouldn't know how to react.
05:52Sherry for you, Bob?
05:54And what will your friend here have?
05:55Mess?
05:55I don't want to be invited into their homes, thank you very much.
06:02I don't want to go into their snooty little sammies.
06:04I don't want to meet any of your new friends.
06:07I bet they all belong to the rugby club or the tennis club or the squash club.
06:11Well, we all have a wide range of leisure activities, if that's what you mean.
06:14Yes, well, I've got a wide range of them and all.
06:17Yeah, like forecasting and jigsaws.
06:19You'll stop going to football soon, won't you?
06:22Because Saturday afternoon there'll be golf.
06:25Look, I want to get you out of yourself.
06:27I want you to smarten yourself up and come out with me.
06:29I don't think you realise how things have changed around here.
06:32But if you want to sit there behind your class barrier, fine.
06:36Well, I don't mind coming out with you.
06:38For you, Robert, I might even shave.
06:40Where are we going?
06:41Oh, I can't tonight.
06:43Tonight, Thelma and I play badminton with Hugh and Janie.
06:46And tomorrow, then?
06:48No, tomorrow we're going out to supper with Mike and Linda at Frank and Chris's.
06:51And who was it Wednesday, Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice?
06:55No, we're going to a barbecue at the rugby club with the Max Shanes.
07:00But on Saturday night, Alan and Brenda asked Thelma and I if we'd take you out to supper with them.
07:06At their new house, they'd like to meet you.
07:08Who the hell is Alan and Brenda?
07:10Well, you don't know, Alan.
07:11He's new.
07:12He came up here from the south about three years ago.
07:14Oh, you mean Middlesbrough?
07:15No, the deep south, Surrey.
07:19We work together.
07:20We've become very good mates and he'd like to meet you.
07:23Yeah, well, thanks very much, Bob.
07:25I think I'll just get in touch with some of the lads.
07:28Have a real Saturday night out.
07:30You won't find any of the lads.
07:32Not on a Saturday night, you won't.
07:33They'll be out with their wives or their fiancés at some steakhouse or trattoria.
07:37Or else they'll be stopping in, having friends round for match of the day and barbecue chicken.
07:42It's all very much a ritual.
07:45And unless you accept my invitation and come out with me, you won't be a part of it.
07:50You'll be a man alone.
07:51A sort of Shane of the Elm Lodge housing estate.
07:54Walking the empty streets, hearing the sounds of laughter and merriment behind warmly lit windows.
08:00Yeah, well, I'm best as a man alone.
08:02I'm well out of the Elm Lodge housing estate set.
08:05I know what goes on these days on these estates with your so-called respectable middle classes.
08:11I know what goes on behind these warmly lit windows.
08:15What?
08:16There we are, pet.
08:18Would you like a biscuit?
08:19Oh, yes, please, if there's no trouble.
08:21What goes on?
08:22I know.
08:23I've read about it.
08:24Read about what?
08:25What goes on?
08:26Well, for heaven's sake, what does go on?
08:31Oh.
08:32Wife swapping and witchcraft.
08:35Suburban sex orgies, that sort of thing.
08:38Really?
08:38It's a well-known fact.
08:40Behind that facade...
08:41Where do you get all this from, suburban sex orgies?
08:45Mind you, I did go to a party once where they played charades,
08:48and a girl tore her tights miming climb every mountain.
08:51It's all right, all right, but only this afternoon on that box there was this bishop
08:55going on about the moral decay of our society.
08:58Look, I'm just asking you how to supper with Alan and Brenda.
09:01I promise you it won't be the first step on a downward spiral of decay and depravity.
09:05Just the five of us for a meal and a game of Scrabble.
09:09Scrabble?
09:09Well, perhaps not Scrabble.
09:11You'd just come up with rude words, wouldn't you?
09:13Oh, hello, Audrey.
09:16Hello, Paul.
09:17Glad to call you.
09:17Hey, it's nice to see you.
09:18Just popped in to see me, ma'am.
09:20How are you?
09:20How so, ma'am?
09:20Oh, she's grand, thanks.
09:22You'll have to come to dinner with us sometime, perhaps early next week.
09:24Oh, well, he can't Tuesday.
09:25That's water polo with you and Janie.
09:28And Wednesday's potholing with Wilson, Keppel and Betty.
09:35My God.
09:37Do you know who you remind me of?
09:38Oh, no, I know.
09:39Don't tell me.
09:40Andy Capp.
09:41I was about to say old man's step-toe.
09:45He's never out of that chair.
09:47He reminds me of Ironside.
09:50Well, all I know is that I've never been invited over to your place for dinner.
09:54Lawn mowing and babysitting, aye, but never dinner.
09:58Well, you're so difficult, aren't you?
09:59I mean, it's impossible to fit you in or match him up or pair him off.
10:03He's a man alone.
10:04He's a social outcast.
10:05We can't ask him to any of our wife-swapping parties because he hasn't got a wife to swap.
10:09We can't even ask him to our suburban sex orgies because I bet he hasn't got a clean pair of wife-runts.
10:15You're so superficial, you lot, aren't you?
10:21You're so concerned with appearances and status.
10:25Well, a man like me's travelled.
10:27I can hold my own anywhere.
10:28Talk about anything.
10:30From gliding in the Dolomites to the imorphises of the frog.
10:33I know there's more to life than just knowing how to eat your peas properly.
10:36It's all right.
10:37Come out with us.
10:38Come out to Alan and Brenda's.
10:39Dazzle us with your scholarship and your poise.
10:42You're not going to take him to somebody's house, are you, Bob?
10:45I mean, is that wise?
10:48You shut your face!
10:50All right, all right.
10:52I'll go, I'll go.
10:53Good, good.
10:57Will it be, uh, just a meal, like?
11:00Well, it depends who's there, doesn't it?
11:02I mean, uh, after the, uh, dinner, we might play a few games.
11:08Hey, I haven't made so much tea since I was in the WVS.
11:13Games?
11:14Behind the facade?
11:18I shall be dining out on Saturday, Mother,
11:20so kindly lay out the sea iron cotton shirt, the blue serge,
11:23oh, and just in case, a clean pair of wife-runts.
11:26Hello.
11:32Hello.
11:33Hello, Thelma.
11:34Hello.
11:34You're prompt.
11:35Brenda's still upstairs.
11:36Shall I take your coat, love?
11:36Well, I'll go on up, shall I?
11:37Yes, fine.
11:38Hello, Bob.
11:39Hello, Alan.
11:39This is Terry, Terry Collier, Terry Allen Boyle.
11:41Terry, heard a lot about you.
11:43Oh, aye.
11:43Well, come in, come in.
11:44Make yourselves at home.
11:45Sit down.
11:45Cheers, cheers.
11:46Now then, Terry, a drink.
11:47What would you like?
11:49Well, uh, unless you've got any meths,
11:50I'll just have a beer, thanks.
11:54Right, you'll have to settle for the beer.
11:56Bob?
11:57Oh, I'll have the usual, please.
11:58Vodka and Coke.
11:59Ice and lemon.
12:00Please.
12:05Bob, uh, Bob tells me you're from, uh, down south, like, Alan.
12:08Is it, uh, London, is it?
12:10Well, just outside.
12:11Carl Shorten Beaches.
12:12Oh, no.
12:16Alan's a Chelsea supporter.
12:17Oh, is he?
12:18Yes, I used to have a season ticket there.
12:20I hate Chelsea.
12:21They stand for everything I hate in football, them,
12:23with all their show business supporters.
12:25They come out looking more like the younger generation
12:28than a football team.
12:29I'll just get some ice.
12:32You said ice, silly.
12:33What are you being so aggressive for?
12:35You're hardly across his doorstep
12:36and you're attacking his football team.
12:37That's not a very nice thing to do.
12:39How would you feel if he attacked our football team?
12:41You deserve it, Chelsea.
12:42We're not talking about the merits of a football team.
12:44We're talking about manners, you know,
12:45like live and let live.
12:46All right, all right, all right.
12:48Look, Alan, I don't just hate Chelsea.
12:51I mean, I hate Arsenal, Spurs, West Ham, Christian Palace.
12:56In fact, I hate all London clubs.
12:57Well, that's all right, Terry.
12:58That's all you're saying to me.
13:00Cheers, Bob.
13:01Cheers, Alan.
13:01Lovely.
13:02Come on, girls.
13:03Well, I expect you're glad to be back, Terry.
13:05You must have noticed some changes.
13:07Oh, aye, what with decimalisation
13:08and Andre Previn conducting the LSE.
13:10LSO.
13:13Oh, are you interested in classical music, then?
13:15Yeah, I can't stand it.
13:17Alan has a great collection of classical music,
13:20especially Beethoven.
13:22Oh, well, Beethoven's fine.
13:23He's all right.
13:24It's all the others I can't stand,
13:25but Beethoven's all right.
13:27What are you interested in?
13:28Oh, well, I've got a wide range of leisure activities.
13:32He does jigsaws.
13:33I do hundreds of things.
13:35That's one thing I got out of the army.
13:36I bet I've done more sports in the last five years
13:38than you've ever heard of.
13:39Football, cricket, tennis, swimming, pole vaulting.
13:43You've never done any pole vaulting?
13:45Yes, I have.
13:46Well, this Polish fellow an hour up
13:47and he used to tie him to the bed and vault over him.
13:52Well, I expect the girls should be down soon.
13:54You know my wife, Brenda, don't you, Terry?
13:55Brenda, I don't think so.
13:56Yes, you do.
13:57Brenda.
13:58I don't know any Brendas.
13:59Ah.
14:01Oh, that Brenda.
14:03Hello, Bob.
14:04Hello, Brenda.
14:05Hello, Terry.
14:06How nice to see you again.
14:07Oh, funny they'd said your maiden name.
14:09I didn't know it was you, Brenda.
14:10You're looking very pretty.
14:12My, you've certainly changed.
14:13I mean, you've changed from looking pretty
14:15to even prettier.
14:18Thank you, Terry.
14:19You're looking very well yourself.
14:20Oh, I am, I am.
14:21Now then, tell me a drink.
14:22Yes, I'll have a sherry.
14:23Thanks, Alan.
14:24Same for you, dear.
14:24Thank you, Pat.
14:26Did the services do you good?
14:27Well, apart from this, yes.
14:31What's the matter with your leg?
14:32He never talks about it.
14:34Does it hurt?
14:35Only one making love will pull vault in.
14:40Would you like to sit down?
14:41Oh, cheers.
14:42Well, well, well.
14:49Well, reunion.
14:51Isn't it nice?
14:53After all these years, isn't it nice us all being together again?
14:56Yes, we haven't seen Alan and Brenda since Tuesday.
15:00No, I mean, isn't it nice with Terry here?
15:02I mean, it takes you back, doesn't it?
15:03It takes you back to Park Juniors, Form 4B.
15:06I'd like to think we've come a long way since Park Juniors.
15:08Well, you certainly have, Brenda.
15:09The last time I knew you,
15:11you were living above your dad's chip shop near the glue factory.
15:16Did your father ever fish in chip shop, dear?
15:19Yes, he did.
15:21The good and all, the silver grid, big alpins and free butter.
15:26I'd better see how things are doing.
15:27Are we having rock salmon and chip for old time's sake?
15:30She was brought up on that, you know.
15:32I'm surprised you didn't get any more spots than you did
15:35with all that vinegar drying your blood.
15:38Would you give me an hand, Alan?
15:40Yes.
15:41Excuse me.
15:42Certainly, certainly.
15:45You'll never win any prizes for tack, Terry, will you?
15:48What do you mean?
15:49Look, Terry, there's some things
15:50that Brenda doesn't want to be reminded about.
15:52You know, she's always been a bit...
15:53a bit...
15:54Stuck up.
15:55There's nothing wrong,
15:56there's nothing wrong with someone who gets a nice house,
15:57gets a bit of money,
15:58wanting to forget the past.
16:00There's nothing wrong with someone
16:01who used to live above a chip shop
16:02wanting to batter themselves,
16:03better themselves.
16:05It's fine.
16:06Her parents have retired now.
16:08They've gone to Westcliff-on-Sea.
16:10So leave off, right?
16:11If you must go down memory lane,
16:12just leave off her dad and her chip shop.
16:14All right, all right.
16:15Promise?
16:16Yes, my lips are sealed.
16:20Dinner is served.
16:23Now then, Thelma,
16:25you'd like to sit there.
16:26Here.
16:26And Bob there.
16:28Oh, love.
16:28Terry, you'd like to sit over here.
16:30Doesn't it look lovely?
16:30Oh, nice.
16:34Oh, Brenda,
16:35fresh asparagus.
16:37I could eat a horse
16:38between two bread vans.
16:40You do have a nice way
16:41of putting things.
16:42Now, I've got white,
16:43red or fizzy rosé.
16:44Well, Thelma prefers white.
16:46Oh, white all right with you, Terry?
16:48Do we have a fondue set
16:50on our wedding list, pet?
16:51We will have tomorrow.
16:53Alan's mother bought us that
16:54at Howard's.
16:55She has an account there, you know.
16:57Oh, and these lovely table mats.
16:59These are new.
17:00Well, hunting scenes.
17:02Just haven't had them out before.
17:03They're a present from Auntie Elsie.
17:05Oh, your Auntie Elsie.
17:07How is she, Brenda?
17:09Is she still a cleaner
17:09down the brewery?
17:18More food, anyone?
17:19Mm, so brie.
17:20Oh, Brenda, I couldn't possibly.
17:22I will say this, Brenda Peck.
17:24You're a fantastic cook.
17:25You're a fantastic, yeah.
17:27Fantastic.
17:27Do you get this every night, Alan?
17:28No, sometimes we just
17:29have a plate on our knees.
17:31We always eat at the table, Alan.
17:32We always eat at the table.
17:35Well, I must say,
17:36it makes a change
17:37from rock salmon and chips, eh?
17:40Oh, I'm sorry, Brenda,
17:41but you can't have
17:42thinking about the past.
17:43I mean, remembering
17:44how things used to be.
17:46Right, Bob?
17:47Aye, well, it makes you think,
17:48doesn't it?
17:49Here we all are,
17:49sitting around,
17:50having our sophisticated
17:51supper party
17:52with our Tia Maria's
17:53and wafer-thin mince,
17:54and the last time
17:55we sat down to eat together
17:56was school dinners.
17:57Oh, I think Brenda's improved
17:59on cold ham,
18:00peas pudding,
18:01and mashed potato.
18:02That was Thursday, Ham.
18:04Fish cake's Friday.
18:05Mince Monday.
18:06Meat Tuesday.
18:07Meat?
18:07What sort of meat?
18:08We were never quite sure.
18:09Listen, what was it Wednesdays?
18:11What was Wednesdays?
18:12Oh, Monday mince,
18:13Thursday ham.
18:14Monday mince,
18:15Tuesday meat.
18:16Oh, of course,
18:17Wednesday,
18:17it was cheese fondue
18:18followed by gooseberry fool
18:20and wafer-thin mince.
18:22Do you know,
18:23I used to love
18:24that mashed potato.
18:25Oh, me and all,
18:26because it was all crumbling.
18:27If you got a spoonful
18:28and flicked it,
18:28you'd get half a 4A,
18:29like a scatter bomb.
18:31Oh, oh, oh.
18:32Oh, it's all right, Terry,
18:33I'll do it.
18:35Does it come out all right?
18:36We'll just have to hope so,
18:37won't we?
18:38No, it'll come out with a rub.
18:39I doubt it.
18:44However,
18:45so much for Park Juniors.
18:48Can have no interest at all to Alan.
18:50Alan went to a public school.
18:51Oh.
18:52Minor one.
18:53It was founded in 1776.
18:55So you can imagine how drafty it was.
18:57I understood it was
18:58a leading public school.
19:00No, it was a leading,
19:01minor, drafty public school.
19:04Aye, well,
19:05happy days.
19:06Aye.
19:07Do you really think so?
19:08Oh, of course,
19:09they were smashing days.
19:10It's when I met you,
19:11wasn't it?
19:12Aye.
19:12What was Bob like at school?
19:13Little terror?
19:14I was top of the class.
19:16At woodwork.
19:17I was a monitor
19:18and I was secretary
19:19of the Lonnie Donegan
19:20Appreciation Society.
19:22And if I remember rightly,
19:23president of the
19:24Deirdre Birchwood Fan Club.
19:25Deirdre Birchwood?
19:27Who was Deirdre Birchwood?
19:28Nice girl, big girl.
19:29You're ahead of us.
19:29Oh, yes,
19:30well advanced for her age.
19:31You know all those questions
19:32about sex
19:32that your parents
19:33and your teachers
19:34and the Scoutmaster
19:34would never answer?
19:36Deirdre Wood.
19:39She meant nothing to me.
19:41Aye, she did.
19:42She was the gardener's daughter.
19:43Used to smell a weed killer.
19:45He was in love with her.
19:47I was not then.
19:48I was not in love with her.
19:49I was in love with
19:50Little Mo Connolly
19:50and Claire Bloom.
19:52He used to sneak out
19:53at dinner time
19:54and meet her in the greenhouse.
19:55I remember once
19:55he came in back
19:56to the classroom
19:56and a caterpillar
19:57fell out of his underpants.
20:03I was never aware
20:05you'd been out
20:05with Deirdre Birchwood.
20:06She was a very common girl.
20:08I warned him,
20:09I warned him,
20:10consorting with a girl like that.
20:12Think yourself lucky
20:12you didn't catch Greenfly.
20:15Shall we leave the table now?
20:16Yes, well,
20:17I must pop upstairs
20:18and have a swill.
20:19Oh, well,
20:20it's the first on the left
20:21and the light's just
20:22above your head, Terry.
20:24What was it we used
20:26to have at school dinners
20:27on a Wednesday?
20:27It's Monday, Tuesday, Monday.
20:29Oh, I've had quite enough
20:30apart juniors.
20:32I mean, all that's irrelevant now.
20:33We're all different people.
20:35Not necessarily.
20:36Not necessarily.
20:38We might all be a bit older.
20:39We might have a few more possessions now,
20:41but we're still basically
20:42the same people
20:43underneath it all.
20:45If we were all on a desert island,
20:46then we'd soon revert to type.
20:48We'd soon revert
20:49to the jungle lore
20:50of Form 4B.
20:51Some quicker than others.
20:52Come on, Bob.
20:53I mean, what was Brenda
20:53really like at school?
20:54Any more dark secrets?
20:56Well, I don't expect
20:56you remember this, Brenda,
20:57but I did give you
20:58my coronation mug
20:59and an autographed photograph
21:01of Sherpa Tenzing.
21:02I really can't remember.
21:04Oh.
21:05Well, it doesn't matter anyway.
21:06The autograph was forged.
21:08Terry sold it to me.
21:10I can't see why
21:114B means so much to you all.
21:13I mean, I've got memories.
21:15Not really pleasant ones.
21:17Yeah, you're not thinking
21:18of the boiler room incident,
21:19are you?
21:20What's this?
21:21Do we have to?
21:23Well, you were full of it
21:24at the time.
21:25It was most upsetting.
21:27I was attacked
21:28by two boys
21:29in the pitch dark
21:30of the boiler room.
21:31If it hadn't been
21:31for that janitor...
21:32Hey, Bob, Bob, Bob,
21:33I've just been thinking,
21:34what was the name
21:34of that girl
21:35who seduced you and me
21:36in the boiler room?
21:39How dare you!
21:40Come on,
21:40that it was years ago.
21:42It was monstrous.
21:43I was attacked.
21:44When's this, attacked?
21:45In the boiler room.
21:47Get away!
21:48So was Bob and me.
21:49If it hadn't been
21:49for that janitor...
21:50Yeah, well, it's nice.
21:51Memory lane, you know,
21:52happy days.
21:52Part of your reluctance
21:54to leave the past,
21:55Terry Collier,
21:55is that you are very little
21:56to look forward to
21:57in the future.
21:58And your present
21:59hasn't much to offer
21:59beyond the pub
22:00and the billiard all.
22:01Most of us have improved
22:02ourselves,
22:03developed as people.
22:04But you,
22:05you're an embarrassment
22:06to your family
22:06and an embarrassment
22:07to your friends.
22:08Wait a minute.
22:09He doesn't embarrass me.
22:11He might be coarse
22:12and he might be vulgar.
22:13Are you with me
22:13or against me?
22:14Just shut up a minute.
22:15He might be crude
22:17and he might be
22:17a bit rough at the edges.
22:19And all right,
22:20he might have eaten
22:21the wrong end
22:21of his asparagus.
22:24But I'll tell you
22:25one thing.
22:26He's down to earth
22:27and he's honest.
22:28Here's a turnip
22:29for the book.
22:30The good old days.
22:31Those two back
22:31in the saddle.
22:32Well, I think
22:33Bob's right.
22:35What?
22:36I never thought
22:37you'd take
22:37Terry Collier's side.
22:38I like a frank
22:39exchange of views.
22:40Terry!
22:41Terry is honest
22:43and that's something
22:44we all seem to have
22:44lost since Park Juniors.
22:46He's got no pretensions.
22:48He would never deny
22:48he lived above a chip shop.
22:50I didn't live
22:50above a chip shop.
22:53What exactly
22:54are you trying
22:54to infer, Thelma?
22:55That I am a snob?
22:57Yes, you are, Brenda.
22:58You're an enormous snob
22:59and you always have been.
23:00What a bitchy thing
23:01to say.
23:01Well, is it true?
23:02I like a lively discussion.
23:04If I was such a snob,
23:06why would I invite
23:07that into my home
23:08for dinner?
23:08Oh, I'll tell you
23:09why you asked Terry.
23:10Because the only way
23:11you can measure
23:12how far you've come
23:13from 23 Dog Lead Lane
23:15is to parade your possessions
23:16in front of an audience.
23:17I've seen you do it before.
23:19When you watch people
23:20admiring your fabrics
23:21and praising your carpets
23:22and envying your precious fondue
23:24set,
23:24you wet your knickers!
23:25eyes.
23:30Oh, I'm exhausted.
23:33I've walked miles.
23:34Couldn't get a bus then
23:35when I did.
23:36It was standing room only.
23:38Hmm.
23:39Oh, you've had another
23:41of your strenuous days,
23:42I see.
23:44Oh, look,
23:45why can't you use
23:46just one cup
23:47and wash it up
23:48each time?
23:48Er, Saturday night
23:54was a mirage,
23:55wasn't it?
23:55I thought I saw you
23:56shaved,
23:57with a suit on,
23:58going out to dinner
23:59with nice people,
24:00but it was all
24:01just a dream.
24:02I'm trying to do
24:02a nightmare.
24:04Have you been sitting
24:05there in that chair
24:06all day again?
24:07I've been down
24:07to the Black Horse
24:08for a couple of bevvies
24:08and a bet.
24:10What, dress like that?
24:11Oh, for God's sake, ma'am.
24:13I bet when me dad
24:13and all me uncles
24:14came back from the war,
24:15you didn't go on
24:16at them like this.
24:17I bet when my uncle Stan
24:18came back from Normandy,
24:19minus an arm,
24:20you didn't go on at him
24:21about washing his teacups
24:22and leaving his artificial limb
24:23all over the place.
24:25Well, at least they came back
24:27well-groomed
24:28with their hair done.
24:29They wouldn't have been caught
24:30lying round the house
24:31all the afternoon
24:32watching women's programmes
24:33on the television.
24:35I'm honest.
24:36That's what I am, ma'am.
24:37Down to earth.
24:39You'll never change,
24:40I know that.
24:41Hello!
24:43Only me.
24:43Hello, Mrs. Collier.
24:45How's Handicap?
24:48If only you'd take
24:49an example from Bob.
24:51If only you'd try
24:52and improve yourself.
24:54Try the new improved
24:55Terry Collier.
24:56Oh, he'll never change.
24:59Miss Zaza Gabor,
25:00Hungary's top sex port.
25:03Likes her men
25:04with style, panache,
25:05already wit
25:05and a natural sophistication.
25:08Well, that's rubbed you
25:08out with Zaza.
25:10Not necessarily.
25:12There's no reason
25:12why I shouldn't be number six.
25:14Or is it seven?
25:15Well, I can't see her
25:16becoming Mrs. Zaza Collier.
25:19Having soirees of sophistication
25:21and panache
25:21in your mam's front room.
25:23Guess wind and dine
25:24till dawn rose
25:25over the pickle factory.
25:27I wouldn't bring her
25:28over here, man.
25:28I'd go over there.
25:30Where?
25:30Well, wherever.
25:31Whatever luxury hotel
25:33she happened to be staying in.
25:34They wouldn't let you in, man.
25:35Be very embarrassing for her.
25:37Up there,
25:38supping her martinis
25:38in the Cecil Beaton suite
25:40while you'd be down there
25:41on the pavement
25:41fighting it out
25:42with the doorman.
25:43One more crock
25:45about my appearance
25:46and you will get
25:46an ex-army boot
25:47round your ear roll.
25:49Oh, that's the ready-wit
25:50that Zaza's looking forward to.
25:52Look, Bob, look.
25:54I'm not much good
25:55at this sort of thing,
25:56but, uh...
25:57Well, thanks for sticking up
25:59for us the other night.
26:00Oh, that's all right.
26:01No, no, no.
26:01I appreciated that.
26:02I really did.
26:03And Thelma.
26:03I mean,
26:04Thelma and I...
26:06Well, there's that.
26:07Thelma and me.
26:08In the past,
26:09we haven't exactly...
26:11Well, the point is
26:12I thought she was
26:13bloody marvellous.
26:15You're a lucky lad
26:15and I think you've done
26:16the right thing there
26:17and I hope you'll both
26:17be very happy
26:18and I'm sorry I said that
26:19about Deidre Birchwood's
26:20caterpillar.
26:23That's all right, kid.
26:25Thelma never could
26:26stand Brenda anyway.
26:28Ever since I gave me
26:29a coronation mug
26:30and that signed photograph
26:32of Sherpa tensing.
26:34I forged that, you know.
26:36I know you did.
26:37I remember what you wrote on it.
26:39Cheers, Terry.
26:40Sherpa tensing.
26:42Well, it's going to leave
26:44a bit of oil
26:45in your social calendar,
26:46isn't it?
26:46There'll be no
26:46Alan and Brenda
26:47on Saturday night.
26:48Still, I suppose
26:49you can always move
26:49Frank and Christine
26:50up from Tuesday
26:51or Mike and Linda
26:52back from Friday.
26:53And it does leave
26:54a night free for us,
26:55doesn't it?
26:55Lads, night out.
26:56Oh, I don't think
26:57I'll cope with you, mate.
26:58Mr. White Collar,
27:00the man in the grey
27:01flannel suit.
27:02I don't want you
27:02to change, kid.
27:03I want you to go
27:04on being as...
27:05well, I mean,
27:06as forthright as you are
27:07and as crude
27:08and as pig ignorant.
27:09I am not pig ignorant.
27:13This is my seat
27:14of learning.
27:14What I'll learn
27:15from that box,
27:16I am at the
27:17university of life.
27:18And what have we learnt
27:19since Saturday,
27:20apart from what fondue is
27:21and which end
27:22of your asparagus
27:22to eat?
27:23Well, I bet you
27:24don't know
27:25six useful Spanish phrases
27:26or how to build
27:28a dam in Syria
27:29or the metamorphosis
27:30of the frog.
27:31Do you?
27:32Certainly.
27:34All right, then.
27:34what is
27:35the metamorphosis
27:37of the frog?
27:40Well,
27:41it starts out
27:43with just
27:43little dots
27:45in the water.
27:46Amoebas,
27:47they're called.
27:48Then...
27:48Hang on a minute.
27:49Hang on.
27:50They're not amoebas.
27:51Yes, they are.
27:51No, they're not.
27:52The amoeba
27:53is the most primitive
27:53life form.
27:54They're so small
27:55they're impossible
27:56to see.
27:57Well, if they are
27:58so impossible to see,
28:00how do you know
28:01that they're not
28:02turning themselves
28:03into frogs?
28:03There's no answer
28:06to that.
28:07Go on, then.
28:08What happens next?
28:09Well, then you get
28:10your frog spore.
28:11And then you get
28:11this little thing
28:12that develops
28:13two front legs,
28:14a head,
28:15and two back legs.
28:16And that
28:17ends up
28:18as your tadpole.
28:19And after the tadpole?
28:21The tadpole
28:22turns into the frog.
28:23And then?
28:27What?
28:29And then?
28:31And then it becomes
28:32a butterfly.
28:33And then it becomes
28:35a butterfly.
28:36Boom!
28:38Who would happen to you
28:41whatever happened to me?
28:45What became of that
28:47people we used to be?
28:53Who would happen to you
28:56whatever happened to me?
28:59What became of that
29:02people we used to be?
29:04Who would happen to me?
29:04Who would happen to you?
29:07Who would happen to you?
29:08Who would happen to you?
29:09Who would happen to me?
29:10Oh, who would happen to you?
29:11Whatever happened to me?
29:12What became of that
29:15Because of the people
Recommended
28:48
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