- 5 months ago
First broadcast 24th December 1974.
Terry passes his driving test and drives Bob and Thelma to a Christmas party as their minicab driver
James Bolam - Terry Collier
Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris
Brigit Forsyth - Thelma
Lilian Grassom - Sylvia (as Lillian Verner)
Joanna Ross - Andrea
John Crocker - Police Constable
Norman Mitchell - Jack
John White - Man in pub
Betty Bowden - Woman in pub
Terry passes his driving test and drives Bob and Thelma to a Christmas party as their minicab driver
James Bolam - Terry Collier
Rodney Bewes - Bob Ferris
Brigit Forsyth - Thelma
Lilian Grassom - Sylvia (as Lillian Verner)
Joanna Ross - Andrea
John Crocker - Police Constable
Norman Mitchell - Jack
John White - Man in pub
Betty Bowden - Woman in pub
Category
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh, what happened here, whatever happened to me
00:07What became the people we used to gain
00:15No, no, no, no
00:19That every one flies so fast
00:22Is the only thing that's going on to black
00:28Bob? Your coffee's ready. It's getting cold.
00:39Bob?
00:40I'm coming.
00:41I made it ten minutes ago. I don't know why I bother sometimes.
00:49Where's that list?
00:50Oh, Bob, could you bring the Christmas card list? I've left it on the dressing table.
00:55Yes, yes, yes.
00:57Well, it's twenty past ten already. I'll never get it all done. It's murder in town on a Saturday.
01:05Your coffee's cold. I don't know why you asked me to make it.
01:08Thelma, you've known me for long enough to know that I can't stand conducting a conversation when I'm in the lavatory.
01:14Where's the list?
01:16What list?
01:17The Christmas card list. Oh, God, never mind.
01:20When I'm in the lavatory, it's a very private thing.
01:23But you're in there for hours, Bob.
01:25Only on Saturdays.
01:27A man's entitled to linger in the lavatory on a Saturday.
01:33Saturday is the one day you and I have a chance to do things together.
01:37You're not coming in there with me.
01:38You knew I wanted an early start. Look, I've got more presents to buy this year than ever before. Now, what are we getting your mother?
01:47Oh, something for the house.
01:49You always say that. It's your stock answer to everything.
01:52No, it isn't.
01:53I must get little Angela next door or something. Angela. She's very into dolls, isn't she?
02:00Well, get her something for the doll's house.
02:02I'm sorry, darling. I'm sorry. It's only a joke.
02:05Do you intend keeping that beard for Christmas?
02:08What?
02:09Are you still going to have that beard at Christmas?
02:12Why? Who do you want to give it to?
02:14Could give it to your mother, I suppose.
02:17It's my mother I'm thinking about. You know how it upsets her.
02:20And I don't want Christmas Day not to be a nice day.
02:23Is she coming here for Christmas?
02:25Bob, do you never listen to anything I tell you? We're going there.
02:29Oh, are we?
02:30We're going there for all of Christmas Day.
02:32And then in the evening, we're going next door to the Norton's for charades.
02:35Same as last year, then?
02:36Same as last year, yes. Didn't you enjoy yourself?
02:39Oh, we had a lovely time last year.
02:40I couldn't stand all that charades nonsense.
02:43Well, you are the world's worst player.
02:45I am not. It's all right for you. You had an easy one.
02:47Great expectations. Piece of cake, that.
02:50All you've got to do is kick the fire and make out you're pregnant.
02:54What did I get?
02:55The AA Continental Handbook.
02:59Shouldn't have tried to do Continental all in one.
03:01I did a good enough mime. You were also thick.
03:03What did you do?
03:05Continental. Maurice Chevalier. Continental. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
03:09I do hope you're not going to be as boring at the Norton's as you were last year.
03:12I wasn't boring. I was just bored.
03:15Well, I'm surprised they've asked us back.
03:17Christmas night full of food. I just want to sit in an armchair and watch the box.
03:21Great escape was on, wasn't it? Usually is.
03:25We'll have to give the Norton's something. Add them to the list.
03:28Oh, it never stops. You're not going to drink that coffee, are you?
03:32Stone cold.
03:32Well, I'm not making fresh.
03:34Didn't ask you to.
03:34Well, are you ready?
03:36Yes. Well, I've got to put my shoes on.
03:39Are you buying Terry a present this year?
03:41I suppose so.
03:43He never gets you one.
03:44Yes, he does.
03:46He got me a goldfish in 1962.
03:48He's in a bowl and everything.
03:52If he'd put some water in, it might have been alive.
03:57Well, I put him down, but I think it's madness.
03:59He won that goldfish by throwing three darts in three separate playing cards at a fair.
04:05I wonder how long it'd been dead.
04:07Still, the bowl came in very useful.
04:09Me mum kept her homemade chutney in it.
04:11You haven't even seen Terry since Easter.
04:14Hardly.
04:15Well, have you thought about what you're going to get him?
04:17Look, I want to get it all done by this morning.
04:18Well, he's not easy.
04:20What do you buy the man who has nothing?
04:23Here.
04:23You know that leather goods shop opposite the bus station?
04:26Now, they've got some nice men's travelling manicure sets for under two pounds.
04:29A manicure set for Terry?
04:33That's like getting Gordon Honeycomb a set of silver hairbrushes.
04:39Well, all right, Terry's your department.
04:41I know what else I want.
04:43Invitation cards.
04:44For what?
04:45We're having people in for drinks and Boxing Day morning.
04:47Oh, well, as long as it's early Boxing Day morning.
04:50Not too early.
04:51Why?
04:51Well, it's just that there's a match at Boxing Day morning.
04:55There always is.
04:55It's traditional.
04:56But we agreed that we'd have people in for drinks and Boxing Day morning.
05:00Did you, darling?
05:01We were going to have it on Christmas Eve,
05:03but that clashes with Dan and Kathleen's fancy dress party.
05:07Fancy dress?
05:08Bob, you never listen to anything I say.
05:11We discussed it last week when I said you weren't going as Maurice Chevalier.
05:16Oh, Christmas Eve fancy dress.
05:18Dan and Kathleen.
05:19That Dan and Kathleen.
05:20Look, all these things have got to be thought about.
05:22There's choosing the cards, there's the presents, there's costumes, invitations.
05:27There's so much to get through.
05:28I know, Thelma, I know.
05:30And it's only September the 28th.
05:32Well, I think we've done very well.
05:50It's only half past four.
05:51Yes, another ten minutes, the game will be over.
05:54Well, you can miss a silly old game for once.
05:56Just think, everything's bought.
05:58Hmm, just in time.
05:59There's still a few odds and ends, but I can get those any time, pet.
06:11Thelma.
06:12There's Terry, look.
06:13What?
06:13Look, in a car, driving.
06:16Heavens, yes.
06:20Hello, kiddo.
06:23Hello, Bob.
06:24Not now, eh?
06:26Whose car is that?
06:27Is it your friend's?
06:28Do us a favour, wouldn't it, Bob?
06:31Get stuffed.
06:32Oh, that's nice.
06:33That is nice.
06:33I haven't seen you all this while.
06:34Did you hear that, Thelma?
06:36Let's not have a coarse argument in the middle of the house, do you?
06:38Well, what's up with you, then?
06:40I'm in the middle of me driving test.
06:43I'm taking me driving test.
06:48He's taking his driving test.
06:50I never knew he'd had any lessons.
06:59Oh, you must have put him off.
07:01Look, he's stalled.
07:01That's not very nice.
07:16He's taking his test.
07:18Oh, here he comes.
07:19Sorry, we must have put you off.
07:36I didn't realise.
07:37A friend of mine, I haven't seen him for a while.
07:40How's he doing?
07:41Just lay off, will you?
07:43It was our fault he stalled.
07:45You won't knock any marks off his darling, will you?
07:47See, I've stopped now, and I've been driving for years.
08:03Don't forget, make those hand signals very clear.
08:17Let's call round to see how you got off.
08:22Oh, look, I'm sorry.
08:24We didn't mean to put you off.
08:25It was just such a surprise.
08:28Never mind.
08:29Not many people passed the test first go.
08:32I did.
08:34You what?
08:35I passed.
08:35No thanks to you and Thelma, though, but...
08:37Well, I'm amazed.
08:39I mean, well done.
08:41Congratulations.
08:42I'll buy your pint, then.
08:43All right.
08:44Hey, can I drive?
08:45What?
08:46You?
08:46Drive?
08:47I've just passed me test.
08:48Yes, but...
08:49Ah, just to the black horse.
08:59Right, where's first?
09:00Now, careful with the clutch.
09:01It can be very fierce.
09:03Two pints, Jack, please.
09:16Maniac.
09:16Who?
09:17You.
09:17Had your license five minutes, you'd think you owned the road.
09:20Just got to move on, that's all.
09:21Don't judge everybody by your standards.
09:23You drive like Mary Poppins, always I've done.
09:26I drive with due care and attention towards other road users.
09:30How did that examiner ever pass you?
09:32He's given you a license to kill.
09:33I have attained the standards required by the ministry, and that's all that matters.
09:36Come on, sup up.
09:37How much is that, Jack?
09:38No, here, here.
09:39It's my shout.
09:40Oh, cheers.
09:41I'm drinking with reservations to your newfound status.
09:44You've been very crafty about it, haven't you?
09:46I didn't even know you were having lessons.
09:48I haven't seen you for ages.
09:49Well, hardly my fault were on the phone.
09:51You only have to pick up a phone.
09:52Well, you were on holiday and I was away.
09:55You know how it is.
10:00You've changed, you know.
10:02I was beginning to think you'd never notice.
10:05What is it?
10:06I've changed the colour of my eye shadow today.
10:08No, I noticed that earlier.
10:11No, it's something else.
10:13I...
10:14Oh, God, I've just seen it.
10:22When did you grow that?
10:24Well, probably the same time you were having your secret driving lessons.
10:28All right, come on, come on.
10:29Get all the remarks out the way.
10:31Ah, looks good.
10:32Pardon?
10:33Suits you.
10:33Looks good.
10:34Oh.
10:35Thelma like it.
10:36Er, sometimes.
10:38Her mother doesn't.
10:39On the other hand, I don't like her moustache.
10:41Makes you look more, er, you know.
10:44Yeah, that's what Penny said at the office.
10:46Who?
10:46You know, Penny at the office.
10:47Oh, I've been going out with a Penny.
10:50Have you?
10:51Aye, canny, lass.
10:52Was her that taught us to drive.
10:53Oh, lucky to find a girl round here with her own car.
10:55Not many lasses round here got their own car.
10:57Well, she's not a girl.
10:59More of a woman.
11:00Twenty-seven.
11:01Lots of women have a car.
11:02And a husband?
11:03Aye, she got one of them and all.
11:05Oh, you're not.
11:05No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
11:07They're separated.
11:08Oh, I see.
11:09Well, as good as.
11:10What do you mean, as good as?
11:11He's on an oil tanker in the Persian Gulf.
11:14You can't get more separated than that.
11:16Dear, dear.
11:17And is the hapless mariner aware of this liaison?
11:20The liaison didn't last that long.
11:22Long enough to learn to drive.
11:23Oh, aye, that was fantastic.
11:25Every weekend we used to go to this deserted airfield past Morpeth.
11:28Oh, I know that place.
11:29I used to practice there.
11:30Did you?
11:30Yeah.
11:31Good place for it, isn't it?
11:32Oh, it's ideal.
11:33And after which he gave us a driving lesson.
11:36Of course, I took a few official ones just to learn all this rubbish, you know.
11:39Oh, I'm sorry, mate.
11:41Careful!
11:43Well, there's no harm done.
11:44I lost me cherry.
11:47Not before time, is it?
11:49Nothing, nothing.
11:51Give us another cherry, will you, Jack?
11:52It doesn't matter.
11:53You're a cheeky so-and-so.
11:55There's no harm done.
11:56And they are not rubbish.
11:57What harm?
11:58Hand signals.
11:59Oh, I'm sorry.
12:01Careful, pet.
12:02Sorry, can I, um...
12:03Never mind.
12:04Sorry.
12:05Would you two lads like to sit down?
12:07Yes, sure.
12:07Rest our legs.
12:08Try resting your arms and all.
12:10They're not unimportant.
12:12Hand signals.
12:13Yeah, no way you don't use hand signals after you've passed your test.
12:16Who drives with a window open in this country?
12:18Oh, you do know you've got your test.
12:19Well, get me on wheels.
12:20That's the next step.
12:22I reckon I could get a second-hand car by Christmas.
12:24Or a job that provides one.
12:25A job?
12:28Yeah.
12:29You mean working?
12:30You?
12:31In a job?
12:33Yes.
12:34What sort of job?
12:36Well, there's lots of things.
12:37Such as?
12:38Well, I'll tell you seriously what I wouldn't mind doing.
12:41Driving a juggernaut to Belgium.
12:43Why Belgium?
12:45Well, that's where they go, isn't it?
12:47Not necessarily.
12:49I saw one this morning going to North Shields.
12:51Yes, but they go to Belgium first, don't they?
12:55And all over.
12:56Down those autobahns.
12:58Hitch-hiking Frauleins and Swedish au pair girls on their way to the south of France.
13:03Nobody's going to entrust you with a juggernaut.
13:05Good life, that.
13:06Your own master.
13:07Freedom of the highway.
13:08No bosses.
13:09Just the open road.
13:10Well, I'll punch you, sir.
13:11I can just see you on the hard shoulder jacking up a juggernaut in the pouring rain.
13:15It doesn't rain much in Italy.
13:16Oh, we're in Italy already, are we?
13:18We got through Switzerland quick enough.
13:20Well, you've seen the way I drive, kid.
13:22We've got fantastic distances, you know, these juggernauts.
13:26Yugoslavia, Turkey.
13:28You went to Turkey on your holiday, didn't you?
13:30No.
13:30Well, you said you were.
13:31You showed me the brochure.
13:32We did not go to Turkey.
13:34Mind when we left the Elm Lodge housing estate, we were certainly on our way to Turkey.
13:38What happened then?
13:39The charter company, Venture Travel, whose brochure assured us of a holiday of a lifetime
13:44in the capable hands of the world's most experienced travel agents, went bust.
13:50Never.
13:51Yes, we paid in advance, of course.
13:54When did they go bust?
13:56While we were in Luton Airport.
13:59There was considerable speculation and confusion.
14:02Rumours were rife.
14:03That's why we spent three days in Luton Airport.
14:05Dear me.
14:06That's why I grew a beard.
14:08Why?
14:09There's nothing else to do in Luton.
14:11It's not the fun capital of Europe, despite what Eric Morecambe says.
14:16So you just went straight home, then?
14:18Would that we had.
14:19Instead, we tried to salvage something of the holidays by renting a car to seize something
14:22in the beauties of our own countryside.
14:25We started with the natural grandeur of Bedfordshire, which was closed.
14:30Closed?
14:31It was Sunday.
14:32We looked for Woburn Abbey, but we never found it.
14:34Well, how could you miss it?
14:35Isn't it full of lions and baboons and such like?
14:38We'll never know.
14:39I was foolish enough to follow one of those signs which said alternative route.
14:43When you've been driving a while, you'll learn to ignore signs that say that.
14:47The alternative route turned out to be Newport Pagnall, where we spent Sunday night.
14:51It was a terrible night.
14:54It wasn't Newport Pagnall's fault.
14:56But it's not easy to gee your wife up in a motorway motel, when you both know that at
15:00that moment, you should be eating green figs overlooking the Bosphorus.
15:05What's the Bosphorus?
15:06What?
15:07It's a river.
15:08It's a river in Turkey.
15:09The River Bosphorus.
15:11Isn't it?
15:13I'll tell you next year when I'm there in me juggernaut.
15:15We won't get our money back, of course.
15:17For your honour, do you mean?
15:18No chance.
15:19I said to Thelma, I said, we'll have to tighten our belts.
15:21Oh, definitely, she says.
15:23And you should have seen her this morning with the Christmas shopping.
15:26Christmas shopping in September?
15:28She doesn't like leaving things till the last minute.
15:30Dear me.
15:32I don't want a present, mind.
15:34I don't want a card, and I don't want a present.
15:36I'm not sending cards or presents this year.
15:39What do you mean, this year?
15:42You never do.
15:43What?
15:44I've not had a present from you since 1962.
15:46That was just a goldfish.
15:49What do you mean, just a goldfish?
15:52That's a canny enough present to give anybody that.
15:54Their own pet.
15:58How is he?
15:59How is he?
16:02He was dead on arrival.
16:04Oh, dear.
16:05Maybe I shouldn't have had him gift-wrapped.
16:13Hey, can I drive back?
16:14No.
16:14Oh, go on.
16:15No.
16:15You're too cocky at the moment.
16:17All that success's gone in your head.
16:19All that adrenaline pumping round.
16:21Just the time you'll have an accident.
16:23Well, you're not having one in my car.
16:24I may drive like Mary Poppins, but I've got a scratch-free car
16:34and a no-claims bonus to show for it.
16:43You're left in reverse!
16:44Hey!
17:06Hey!
17:10Hey!
17:11How's it going, then?
17:40A job?
17:41Oh, come off it. Not what I expected, is it? The open road. The open yard.
17:47Why did you take it, then?
17:49Because there was nothing else. I thought once I got my driving license, you know.
17:54Nothing?
17:55Well, there was a few things, delivering bread or builders' merchants, but I wanted a job where I could get the use of the vehicle, where I could take it off overnight.
18:04Weren't there any?
18:05No. Well, there was one. That's why I took it. Only stuck it for a week. But it wasn't the sort of vehicle you could pick a young lady up with and sweep her off her feet in.
18:16What was it? A dust cart?
18:19It was an ice cream van.
18:23An ice cream van? I just think your chances of pulling a bird in an ice cream van were wafer thin.
18:30No, seriously though, weren't they?
18:35Well, better than in a forklift truck.
18:38Well, never mind. At least you got a job which is bringing the money in, which will see you through Christmas.
18:43Well, what's Christmas got to do with it?
18:45Well, we all need a bit of extra money at Christmas. I mean, it's Christmas.
18:50I don't. I hate Christmas.
18:52As far as I'm concerned, Christmas doesn't exist.
18:55You always say that.
18:56I mean it. It's all got out of hand these days. It's just one big racket.
19:01Oh, sure. Once upon a time it was a meaningful and joyous occasion. Certainly. Once upon a time there was a real spirit of Christmas.
19:10Like the time King Wenceslas set out.
19:13On the feast of Stephen.
19:15What?
19:16Good King Wenceslas set out. On the feast of Stephen.
19:20Well, you should know. You were the carol singer.
19:22Yes, I was.
19:24Of course you were. You never mind making a festival twit of yourself.
19:27No, I didn't mind.
19:28Traipsing the streets with that boring bunch of Presbyterian ping-pong players.
19:34I didn't mind at all. I loved it.
19:36Sloppy sentimentalist.
19:38I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know.
19:41But there's nothing wrong with being a sloppy sentimentalist.
19:43I'd rather that than a sour-faced cynic like you.
19:46Christmas is nothing but a confidence trick by big business and department store owners.
19:52Look at people like your, Thelma. They start Christmas shopping in September.
19:56Same again, Jack. And two shorts, big'uns.
20:00People over-eat, over-spend and over-sentimentalise.
20:04I know. I know. I know. I know. And I love every minute of it.
20:08Even the terrible things I love.
20:10I love last-minute shopping. With your arms full of parcels.
20:14Trying to find your car which you couldn't park.
20:16Which is now covered in yuletide parking tickets.
20:19That's all right.
20:22I love spending too much. Doing silly things. Wearing daft hats.
20:26Being nice to me deaf uncle Billy.
20:28I love those terrible old movies on television like
20:32Son of Sinbad with Tony Curtis and Piper Laurie.
20:35I don't even mind Leslie Crowther in a children's ward.
20:39I can even take Rolf Harris.
20:41Good God.
20:45And I like eating too much Christmas lunch and Christmas pudding
20:48and mince pies and tangerines
20:50and dates in those boxes with eat me on the lid.
20:54And I like everything cleared away by five to three
20:57so we can settle down and listen to the Queen's Commonwealth address.
21:01Here you are then. The Queen.
21:04And good King Wenceslas lass.
21:06If you say so.
21:08Oh you got me a double. I can't stay long mind.
21:11Oh I see. Isn't part of Christmas mellowing over a yuletide noggin with your mate then?
21:16Well yes. But we were gonna stir the pudding tonight.
21:20You know when we were at school
21:28you were the last person in the whole class to admit that there wasn't a Santa Claus.
21:33Yes. Yes. And who was it? Told me there wasn't.
21:36Well it was your own bird Robert.
21:39You were fifteen.
21:42I was six. I remember the day vividly.
21:45Christmas Eve afternoon it was.
21:47Sitting in our back kitchen in front of the fire.
21:49Reading Lord Snooty in that year's Beano annual.
21:52I'd got it early.
21:53Because the week before I'd been crying a lot.
21:56With a boil on me neck.
21:58Anyhow there I was. Couldn't have been happier.
22:00Not a worry in the world.
22:02Except how Santa was gonna get a fire engine down our chimney.
22:05And you show up.
22:07With an evil malicious grin on your face.
22:10And said Santa Claus is dead.
22:12I did not say that.
22:17I said he'd never been alive to begin with.
22:21No you didn't.
22:22You said he'd been goled to death by his reindeer.
22:24Well you had to know sometime.
22:29I'd known since August.
22:31Quite. Quite.
22:32That's the point of my story.
22:33You knew in August.
22:35But you waited till Christmas Eve before you told me.
22:37Even at that tender age you were filled with cunning malicious spite.
22:41What?
22:42John Webb told me.
22:43Mind I'd suspected it the year before.
22:45When me mother told me that Santa Claus was bringing us a fort for Christmas.
22:48And in November I found it in the airing cupboard.
22:53I needed Santa Claus more than you.
22:55Being an only child.
22:57You had two sisters.
22:59Uncles and aunts.
23:00Your house was always full of raucous revelry.
23:02My mother and I all spent Christmas very quietly.
23:04With me Uncle Billy.
23:06And that aunt from West Hartlepool.
23:08Who smelt of camphorated oil.
23:10Yeah well there won't be much raucous revelry this year.
23:13Well you'll be spending Christmas with your folks won't you?
23:15No.
23:16Aren't they going to spend it with our Linda?
23:17Yeah but you'll be going with them won't you?
23:19No.
23:20Why not?
23:21Wasn't asked.
23:22You don't have to be asked.
23:23Surely.
23:24Linda's your sister.
23:25Look Linda's got her own life.
23:27She's got three children and her husband who's an idiot.
23:31And what about your Audrey then?
23:33Why she doesn't want me around there does she?
23:36That's awful.
23:38I mean normally you could have come to us.
23:41But we're going to Thelma's mother's.
23:43Look I'm quite happy on me own.
23:45I don't want to go anywhere.
23:47But it's Christmas Day.
23:49Well this Christmas Day doesn't exist in my book.
23:52What difference does that make?
23:53What will you do then?
23:55What will I do?
23:56I'll have a good lie in.
23:58Go down to the fat locks for a game of Dom's.
24:00Come back.
24:01Watch the box.
24:02Pull a cracker and open it in a pork luncheon meet.
24:05Well that's terrible.
24:07So pathetic.
24:08Pulling a cracker with no one at the other end of it.
24:11It doesn't bother me.
24:12I just wait for Boxing Day when some semblance of normality is resumed.
24:16When Newcastle play Carlisle.
24:18As I say normally you could have come to us.
24:20I'm all right.
24:21I can manage.
24:23Like tonight I can manage on me own.
24:26What do you mean tonight?
24:27Well you're not staying here are you?
24:30You're off home to stir your pudding.
24:33There's no mad rush.
24:35Oh well.
24:36Same again please Jack.
24:37Doubles.
24:38Oh well.
24:39Certainly doubles.
24:40I've got doubles in.
24:42Oh fine.
24:44But after this one I must definitely get back.
24:48In the last of town
24:51Of his bedroom without
24:55Silly boss glinty fair about
24:59On a red or cinza
25:03Well I believe you saw it from that night
25:07How the cross was cruel
25:11Hey hey.
25:12I'm not driving Mike.
25:13I might be drunk.
25:14But I'm not irresponsible.
25:16I'm not irresponsible.
25:17Quite right.
25:18Quite right.
25:19I'll drive.
25:20No way.
25:21I'm not giving you the keys.
25:22If I give you the keys that would be irrecessible.
25:24Irresponsible.
25:25I shall walk.
25:26Or at least stagger home.
25:28But it's four miles.
25:30Oh wait.
25:31Give us the keys.
25:32There's no way these keys are leaving my hands.
25:34Oh wait.
25:37Oh God.
25:42Get me home Terry.
25:43Don't worry kidder.
25:45I'll get you home.
25:47I'll get you home.
26:00Oh, the holi-bear is strong.
26:04We are in the fire.
26:07We are in the fire.
26:08Oh, the holi-bear is strong.
26:15Oh, the holi-bear is strong.
26:18Oh, you're all right?
26:23Well, there you are.
26:25Praying won't help.
26:30I'm loved out.
26:49Oh.
26:54What?
26:56What?
26:56You've got to do fire, you fool.
27:10Oh, sorry, sir.
27:11Going down.
27:14Hardware, soft furnishings.
27:16Sounds you're going to fly, sir.
27:26Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
27:56I've got a cab for eight.
27:57I can't find the earrings.
28:01I told you, I've got them.
28:03He never listens to anything I say.
28:06Well, where are they?
28:08Sit down, I'll put them on for you.
28:13Ow!
28:14Oh, that hurts.
28:15Don't be such a baby.
28:18This hook's no good.
28:21I should have got a real hook from the butchers.
28:23You can't go to a party with all those people with a real hook.
28:27I don't think you should even wear your cutlass.
28:29I should have got a parrot.
28:31Captain Hook didn't have a parrot.
28:33There.
28:35Oh, you look very good.
28:37At least people will know you're Captain Hook.
28:39But will they know I'm Peter Pan?
28:41Of course they will.
28:42Oh, I don't know.
28:43I think this is a bit of a nothing outfit, really.
28:45I mean, I could just be a pixie or an elf.
28:47Oh, all right.
28:48What's wrong with being a pixie?
28:50Well, I want people to know I'm Peter Pan.
28:52Well, fly in through the window, then.
28:56Like you did last week, I suppose.
28:58Oh, Thelma.
28:59Thelma, come on now.
29:00I thought we'd agreed that subject is closed.
29:02Yes, well, just don't make rude remarks and it will be.
29:04Oh, come on, pet.
29:06It is Christmas Eve.
29:07All right.
29:09Oh, that'll be the car.
29:11I'll just nip upstairs.
29:12You get it, pet.
29:12Oh, Terry.
29:22Come in, come in.
29:23It's all right, Thelma.
29:24Sorry, Terry.
29:32I, er...
29:34I haven't interrupted anything, have I?
29:38How do you mean?
29:40Well, you know, you read about these things.
29:41I mean, er...
29:42Not exactly your work clothes, are they?
29:47No, I've got a fancy dress party.
29:50I'm Captain Hook.
29:51Oh, I see, I see, yes.
29:53Hey, that's very good.
29:56Shouldn't you have a parrot?
29:57Well, apparently, he didn't have one.
29:59Oh.
30:01How's things with Thelma after the other, er, you know?
30:03Well, they've been a bit, you know, but everything's, you know, now.
30:07Oh, good, good.
30:08I lost me job.
30:09You didn't?
30:10How?
30:11I didn't wake up next morning, by which time the forklift truck had been reported missing.
30:15I'm sorry.
30:16Christmas week and all.
30:17Oh, well, Christmas doesn't bother me.
30:19I've got another job, anyhow.
30:20Oh, hello, Terry.
30:21Merry Christmas.
30:22Hello, Thelma pet.
30:24By, that's a canny little outfit, though, but...
30:27And what are you going as, an elf or a pixie?
30:31She's Peter Pan.
30:32Anyone can see that.
30:34Well, Terry, we'd offer you a drink, but we're just off, you know.
30:36No, no, no, I'm not drinking, not what I'm driving.
30:39What are you driving?
30:39I'm driving you.
30:40I'm your minicab.
30:42LAUGHTER
30:42We did arrange with your firm to pick us up as well.
30:57Yes, I know, I know.
30:58Will it be you again?
30:59Probably, probably.
31:01Oh, right, we'll settle up then, if you like.
31:03Yeah, if you like.
31:06Right, two o'clock then.
31:07We won't keep you waiting.
31:08All right.
31:09Come along, bub.
31:13Go on.
31:14Have a good night.
31:15Yeah, you too.
31:16Oh, that's silly.
31:17I mean...
31:18Don't worry about me.
31:19You enjoy yourselves.
31:20Come on.
31:34Excuse me.
31:38Oh, Andrea, have you seen Bob?
31:42Oh, I've no idea, but what is he?
31:44Captain Hook.
31:45Oh, that was him, was it?
31:48Excuse me.
31:59Oh, I'm sorry.
32:06Bob?
32:07Bob?
32:09Bob?
32:10Hello, darling.
32:11Who have you got in here?
32:14Pardon?
32:14Why were you in here with the door locked?
32:16Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not locked.
32:17No, no, there's an act to it.
32:18Are you with that Sylvia?
32:20Who?
32:20Sylvia Braithwaite.
32:21Well, that Sylvia, Joan of Arc.
32:23Yes, that Sylvia, your act.
32:25Well, yes, you could say one of my old flames.
32:28You could say.
32:30No, no, the last I saw of Sylvia, she was with Harry with the wake.
32:33No, she's not.
32:34Harry with the wake's fast asleep on the staircase.
32:36What makes you think I'd be with Sylvia?
32:39Because I know you after you've had a few glasses of that punch.
32:41It goes straight to your loins.
32:43And you go in the prowl.
32:46And Sylvia Braithwaite's not a difficult girl to find.
32:48This party's getting out of hand.
32:49They always do.
32:50I know, I know.
32:51Happily married couples that we've known for ages.
32:54As soon as the lights go down, they all swap partners.
32:56Then all that furtive kissing and butter-clutching goes on.
33:01Do you know, Brenda Boyle's next door with Nina Smith's husband.
33:04What's his name?
33:05Rasputin?
33:06Yes.
33:07I don't know what Brenda's Alan would think.
33:09Oh, he's not bothered.
33:10He's in the garden shed with Marie Antoinette.
33:13Oh, sorry.
33:17Well, I hope we don't end up like this.
33:19Mind you, darling, you were on the dance floor for a long time
33:23with whoever's in that tiger outfit.
33:25Oh, that was only Eric.
33:27Nevertheless, I bet your bottom is covered in claw marks.
33:31Well, he's an animal, Eric.
33:34You see, you shouldn't go around with your aspersions about me.
33:38No, I'm sorry, darling.
33:40What were you doing in here?
33:42I'll tell you that, Thelma.
33:44I'll tell you that.
33:46I was looking out the window.
33:48Because he's there.
33:49Who?
33:50Terry, look.
33:52Well, he's early.
33:53That's not our fault.
33:54That's not the point.
33:56I mean, just look at that little hunched figure in a gabardine mac.
34:00And it's Christmas Eve.
34:02It's just so sad.
34:04Well, it's embarrassing him driving us, but there's nothing sad about him.
34:07Look, he was the one who wanted to work over Christmas.
34:09And another thing.
34:10What?
34:11Should I tip him?
34:13Look, I've really no idea.
34:14Well, I suppose so.
34:16It's so embarrassing.
34:17Oh, come on downstairs.
34:18We miss the hot dogs.
34:19Perhaps we should ask him in.
34:20Not for a drink.
34:21For a hot dog.
34:22Oh, well, all right.
34:23Look, I'm going to the bathroom.
34:24I'll see you downstairs.
34:26Behave yourself.
34:27You can come out now, Sylvia.
34:35Terry, you all right, then?
34:49Oh, terrific, yeah.
34:50I've got a rotten book and eat that's packed in.
34:52You're a little early.
34:54I know, I know.
34:55I'll wait, sir.
34:56You're convenient, sir.
34:57You enjoy yourself.
34:58Oh, I'm not enjoying myself.
34:59I'm definitely not enjoying myself.
35:00It's a rotten party.
35:02So I thought perhaps you'd like to come in.
35:05Warm up a bit.
35:08Go in, like?
35:09Yeah.
35:10You can have a hot dog.
35:12Well, I'm hardly dressed for it.
35:14Gosh, yeah.
35:15So you've come as a minicab driver.
35:18Hot dogs, eh?
35:19Yeah.
35:20And lots of crumpet.
35:22Right.
35:23Oh, wait, then.
35:32Oh, I think I'll just get a bit of fresh air.
35:33All that punch, you know.
35:34Oh, boy.
35:36Oh.
35:37All right, then.
35:43You can come out now, Sylvia.
35:44Terry, would you please take me home?
36:00What?
36:00Home, Sylvia?
36:01Oh, I'm sorry if you're having some time.
36:02No, no, no.
36:03It's quarter past.
36:03You're entitled.
36:05Where's Bob?
36:05I'm not waiting for Bob.
36:07You can come back for him if you like.
36:08That's up to you.
36:09Where is he?
36:10God alone knows.
36:11I've searched this house from top to bottom.
36:13I found his cutlass in the bathroom.
36:15But you haven't seen him, have you?
36:17No, no.
36:18Not since you asked me in.
36:19I know who he's with, and I know exactly what he's up to.
36:23Who is he with?
36:24Sylvia Braithwaite.
36:26She's in a Joan of Arc costume.
36:28I don't know where they can have got to.
36:30Have you tried the top of the bonfire?
36:50No, I'll sit in the front of me.
36:55Oh, well, come in.
37:14Well, it's a bit late.
37:15Oh, come and have a hot drink or something.
37:17Oh, well, all right then.
37:21Would you like a proper drink?
37:23It's your last job, isn't it?
37:24Unless I go back for Bob.
37:25Oh, I'd rather you didn't.
37:26I've got all his keys and money in my purse.
37:28Let him walk home.
37:29In them boots.
37:30Serve him right.
37:32Well, in that case, I will have a proper drink.
37:34Scotch.
37:35Oh, good.
37:36Here.
37:37You might as well have your present.
37:40Oh, I told you not to get me a present.
37:42Oh, Merry Christmas.
37:43You're driving me home.
37:52I can't do that.
37:53I am not walking home.
37:55I can't just drive you home.
37:56It's not my cab.
37:57Car, cab.
37:58Well, your wife asked him in front drink.
38:00He'll be in there half hour.
38:01Yes, but...
38:02All right.
38:04Well, where are you going?
38:05It's a minicab, isn't it?
38:09I'm going to get the driver.
38:11I'll drive you home.
38:11What a terrible time I've had.
38:21On the floor, under coats, in a flower bed.
38:24I've been bent double all night.
38:27Oh, shut up.
38:39Hey, hey.
38:40Somebody's stolen my cab.
38:51We found the stolen minicab, SHN 439F, abandoned at the corner of Preston Road.
38:57Unable to apprehend the driver.
39:00Well, it wasn't our fault.
39:02He ran off over this waste ground.
39:03No.
39:04Shall I open this, then?
39:27Well, it is Christmas Day.
39:30You shouldn't have bothered, you know.
39:32I mean, I wasn't expecting it.
39:34I told him, I said to Bob, look, I don't want a present this year.
39:37Look at...
39:37Oh, look at them.
39:43Driving gloves.
39:44Well, it seemed appropriate.
39:45We didn't know what to get you.
39:47Oh, they really are very nice, Thelma.
39:50Oh, you make me feel rotten now.
39:53I'm not getting you anything.
39:54No.
39:56Of course, it was up to me.
39:57I'd let you off the fair tonight.
39:59Oh, Terry, yes, of course.
40:00How much do you think?
40:01I mean, if it was me own car, I...
40:03No, no, no, no.
40:04Come on, now.
40:05What do we owe you?
40:06Well, normally it would be five pounds, two ways like.
40:09But, er, as one was after midnight, that's 6.50.
40:16It was 75 pence waiting time.
40:24Of course, it is Christmas, but that's entirely up to the individual customer.
40:30Er, I'm afraid I have nothing smaller.
40:33Oh, I don't think I've got anything, um...
40:35Oh, never mind.
40:37As you say, it is Christmas.
40:38Well, that's a very handsome gratuity, Thelma.
40:43And I do appreciate the gloves and all.
40:45Well, you need those for the job, won't you?
40:47I shouldn't think I'll keep the job long.
40:48Second night out and I'll rust the rotten cab.
40:51Pardon your fault, Terry?
40:52Well, I shouldn't have left the keys inside, should I?
40:55Just my rotten look.
40:56After I'd behaved myself and all.
40:58Unlike some.
41:01Guess who?
41:02Thelma, I'll have a run, I mean, walk all the way home.
41:10Merry Christmas, kidder.
41:12Merry Christmas.
41:13Why did you go without me?
41:15Why did you leave without me?
41:16Well, don't look at me.
41:17I'm just a driver.
41:18I do as I'm told.
41:20Thelma?
41:20I'm amazed that you noticed I had gone.
41:22I searched high and low for you.
41:24Oh, yes.
41:25I did, I did.
41:26And he stepped outside for a breath of fresh air.
41:28You saw me, didn't you see me step outside for a breath of fresh air?
41:31Well, yes, yes, that's true.
41:33Of course you did.
41:34It was that punch.
41:35I just wandered around the garden till my head felt better.
41:38Then I got back inside.
41:39Of course, there's no sign of you.
41:42Nor was there any sign of the tiger.
41:45However.
41:46Well, Bob, look, I assume...
41:48Yes, obviously.
41:49You've only quit to jump to assumptions, Thelma.
41:51Thanks for the present, kidder.
41:53They're a good fit.
41:54What?
41:54Oh, good.
41:55Yes, right.
41:56Happy Christmas.
41:57Happy Christmas.
41:58But you weren't with Sylvia Braithwaite.
42:00Oh, Thelma, what is the point?
42:02What is the point?
42:03If you've got it into your head, well, I've got nothing to say.
42:07I mean, what can I say?
42:08I've got nothing to hide.
42:10Hey, look.
42:11There's a car outside.
42:14All good for police.
42:15What?
42:16Well, it must be to do with Terry's car.
42:18It was stolen, you know.
42:19Ah, well, I think I'll just go and get out with these ridiculous clothes.
42:22Oh.
42:23Well, I'll let them in.
42:27Mr Collier?
42:28Oh, yes, he's through there.
42:32Mr Collier?
42:33Aye.
42:34We've got you a Christmas box.
42:36You've found it?
42:37Aye.
42:38By, that's quick work!
42:39Must have been a joyrider.
42:41Enough of them about Christmas Eve.
42:42Did you get him?
42:43No, he scarpered when he saw us coming.
42:46What was he, er, just a kid?
42:49Hard to tell in the dark, like.
42:50Oh, well.
42:52All's well that ends well.
42:54Would you like a drink, Constable?
42:55Oh, it is Christmas and I'm off at six.
42:57Good lad.
42:58What would you like?
42:59Brown ale, if you've got one pet.
43:01Terry, would you get it?
43:02Certainly.
43:03Bob!
43:04What?
43:05Come on down.
43:07Why?
43:07Well, we're having a Christmas drink.
43:11Oh, good, you've got it.
43:13Well, cheers, mate.
43:15Because you got me out of the class tonight, I can tell you.
43:18Cheers.
43:18And after this, I'll run you down to the station, if you like.
43:21You can pick the cab up.
43:22Well, don't you want to dust it for fingerprints or look for clues, like?
43:25Oh, we found a clue.
43:27Aye.
43:28We, er, we found, er, this on the back seat.
43:33Well, happy Christmas.
43:42Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
43:44Come to you, whatever happened to me.
43:49What became the key.
43:52Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh