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00:00Victoria, are you going to be long in there? It's just I'm late for work.
00:27Victoria won't get out of the bathroom.
00:29She will do, Dad, when she's finished.
00:31She's female, Susan. She's in a bathroom. She's never going to be finished.
00:35Have a cup of tea.
00:37I had enough of this with your mother. The hours I spent hanging about on the cold lino
00:44with the Daily Mail under my arm while she marinated herself in melon and mango body butter.
00:53I thought at least when she left me I'd be able to get into the bathroom occasionally.
00:58Every cloud, eh?
01:00Then you drop your lifestyle bombshell. I mean, really, Susan, what is the point of being a lesbian if you continue to act like a normal woman?
01:10She's entitled to use the toilet, Dad. She lives here now. So there's no point in getting all stressy about it.
01:16I'm late, Susan. I'm entitled to be stressy. And thanks to your girlfriend I shall have to a bloot in the works loo, which I hate.
01:26Because we have those push-button taps, which are fine in terms of efficient water management, but a total pain if you actually want to wash your hands.
01:36Dad, I do taps all day.
01:38Well, you're the expert. Can you explain the thinking?
01:41You push the button, the water comes out. End of.
01:44No, Sue, not end of. Far from end of. Because when you take your hand off the button to wash it, the water stops.
01:52Am I mad to call that potty? You have to catch the water. It's actually quite a skill. Push-catch. Push-catch.
02:04It could be an Olympic sport. Oh, the big Russian nearly got his fingers wet there.
02:11Sozzers, Gerald. Blame Jordan's new boob heartache. Apparently, she's terrified to go on planes. Am I good? Pfft, pfft.
02:21Anyway, it's free now. Too late, Victoria. The moment has passed. I have got to get to work.
02:28Oh, no. Look, hang on. I am sorry, but no. What?
02:33How many times do I have to tell you girls you have to scrape plates before putting them in the dishwasher?
02:39I thought you were in a hurry. This machine has a filter, Susan. It has a finite capacity.
02:45You appear to be under the impression that the Ken Bean 450 can deal with an entire chicken carcass.
02:54I'm sorry, but this is all wrong. Dad, I just loaded that. And I am reloading it, Susan, properly.
03:02Gerald, this is psycho. I'm actually quite scared. Everything is in the wrong place.
03:07They're dirty dishes. They're in the dishwasher. Where do you want them? In the fridge?
03:11You can't just dump them in willy-nilly, Susan. There has to be a plan.
03:16A plan?
03:17Well, if not a plan, at least some elementary ergonomic spatial awareness.
03:23Surely you can see that.
03:25My dad is stopping the dishwasher. You just put it in.
03:29Oh, brilliant, Susan. That is brilliant. Not only is that mug now occupying a space where I could get four cereal bowls if properly stacked,
03:40but the handle is now in danger of poking through the tray and obstructing the spinny thingy.
03:46Oh, my God. So a YouTube moment.
03:48Vic, shut up. But this is mug rage.
03:51If the spinny thingy doesn't spin, it can't distribute water evenly.
03:56Dad!
03:57Bits are missed, which gets spot-welded to the plates during the drying process,
04:02so that you have to get at them with your thumbnail and a bit of spit before you put them back in the cupboard.
04:08This whole load will have to be rebuilt from bottom up. I'll get at it this evening after me haulings.
04:18Right, I have got to get to work. Bye, girls.
04:38There's a good funktion!
04:40Join us.
04:41Agh!
05:01Oh!
05:05Oh!
05:06Are you doing all right, James?
05:27Why wouldn't it be, Clive?
05:29Isn't there any paper in the toilet?
05:30What?
05:31I thought you were using the basin as one of those bum washers.
05:34The that's the call.
05:35Oh, don't be revolting, Clive, as if I'd washed me backside in the sink.
05:40I'm not French.
05:42I'm just trying to get the water to flow.
05:45It keeps stopping when I take my hand off.
05:47Would you like me to press it for you?
05:49Yes, Clive, that would be very helpful.
05:53But be gentle, the pressure's a bit erratic.
05:56What's that going to look like at the morning meeting?
06:11Like you've wet yourself.
06:12I'm going to have to dry them under the blow dryer.
06:19I say blow, gasp would be a better word.
06:23I'd get more hot air flow wafting me trousers if I stood behind a flatulent hamster.
06:29Clean in the toilet, gents.
06:37Mr Wright, what's the doing?
06:39Oh, really, Mrs Johnson, I am drying me trousers because they got a bit wet when Clive pressed the knob too hard.
06:46Oh, you two should get a room.
06:48Vic, I'm on a job.
06:53I'm busy.
06:54You're just going to have to work it out yourself.
06:56Well, I don't know whether to put it in the top tray or the bottom tray.
06:59And then what if it obstructs the spinny thingy?
07:02I am frozen with indecision.
07:09Health and safety, ladies and gentlemen.
07:13Safety and health.
07:15That is the name of this department.
07:17Not common sense.
07:20We are not called council common sense officers.
07:26The borough doesn't pay us to be reasonable or to exercise our judgment.
07:32It pays us to minimise risk.
07:37Even if no such risk exists.
07:42Ours is a proud record.
07:46This is the department that introduced the static seesaw.
07:55The horizontal slide.
07:59Babies must wear helmets when breastfeeding near the swings.
08:05Because of us.
08:08We are society's last best hope.
08:13We are...
08:13Clive, are you eating whilst wearing your security laminate?
08:18I can't help it, Gerald.
08:21It's comfort eating.
08:22I do it because I can't lose weight.
08:26You should try that great new day, Clive.
08:28It's called a bit of self-discipline.
08:30So, to business, on our advice, council has now completed the massive task of installing speed bumps at 50 metre intervals on every road in Basilicci.
08:47And we, at Team Health and Safety, have measured every single one.
08:53Three days, crawling around the town centre on my hands and knees.
08:56Bit like Christmas, really.
08:57As you know, I have discovered one rogue erection, which is six millimetres proud of its optimum legal altitude.
09:12Clive, talk me through my proud erection.
09:14We are still talking about speed bumps, aren't we, Gerald?
09:20What else, Clive?
09:22Right.
09:23Good.
09:24Well, what we're looking at here is a whole new bump installation process.
09:28A B-I-P, yes.
09:29You want me to say B-I-P, Gerald?
09:31Always use acronyms, Clive.
09:33They speed communication and thus increase efficiency.
09:37Oh, right.
09:38So, the B-I-P...
09:40Or BIP.
09:40You think BIP?
09:41I do, Clive.
09:43BIP is user-friendly.
09:46It's less alienating to the public and even quicker to say than B-I-P.
09:51Try it.
09:51BIP.
09:52B-I-P.
09:54Former faster, latter slower.
09:56Carry on.
09:57Right.
09:58Well, the BIP will entail...
09:59I'm lost, Gerald.
10:01What does BIP mean again?
10:02Bump installation process, Bernard.
10:05Spelt B-I-P, but we're saying BIP to be clearer and to save time.
10:10I'm all over it now.
10:11It's holding us all back, you know.
10:13Clive, guesstimate me on the temporal parameters of the current bit.
10:18Pardon?
10:20How long will a new bump take?
10:23Well, it's going to be a big job, Gerald.
10:25A two-phase operation.
10:26A T-P-O, yes.
10:27Or T-Po.
10:28Talk me through the T-Po, Clive.
10:30Well, phase one will begin with a bump alignment level location situation.
10:35A B-A-double-L-S.
10:40Followed by an upsizing procedure.
10:43You, P.
10:45So what we're looking at here, Team Health and Safety, is a complete balls-up.
10:54We may need to fine-tune our acronyms on this one.
10:59I love a road closure.
11:01I presume we're talking hardhat and high-vis only area, Gerald.
11:05Absolutely, Malika.
11:06I don't care if the Queen herself turns up.
11:09Risk management does not do exceptions.
11:12Sorry, Your Majesty, but no high-vis, no access.
11:16Road closures.
11:17High-vis only area.
11:18Yeah.
11:19This is going to be the best birthday I ever had.
11:24Birthday?
11:25Malika, is it your birthday?
11:27Friday.
11:28Cake and asty-spumanty after work.
11:30No presents.
11:32And when I say no presents, I mean, of course, presents.
11:35But not saucy ones.
11:37I hate that at office birthdays.
11:40Pathetic, sex-starred blokes giving rude presents.
11:44A fellow once gave me some fruit-flavoured condoms.
11:46I wrapped the raspberry one round his neck.
11:49Blimey.
11:51I won't tell you what I did with the pineapple.
11:59Vic, where's the receipt for that printer ink you bought?
12:02I don't know.
12:03In my bag, maybe?
12:04I'm not really into structure.
12:06Vic, we've been through this.
12:08All receipts go straight on the fridge.
12:10All of them?
12:10Like, I totally got some nice lacy knickers from Girl Shack today.
12:14Hashtag, I love new pants.
12:16All of them?
12:17I'll sort out the ones we can claim against tax.
12:20Tax is evil.
12:21Tax pays for the NHS, Vic.
12:23Um, actually, you're wrong there, because the NHS is free.
12:27Duh.
12:27The reason it's free is because we pay for it, Vic.
12:32Dude, if we paid for it, then it wouldn't be free.
12:35I thought you were supposed to be the clever one.
12:36Evening girls, long day.
12:40And still the dishwasher to do.
12:43But first, Horlicks!
12:47Happy to make a jug if people are interested.
12:50Might even put a drop of Malibu in it.
12:54Dad, I wanted to talk to you.
12:56Fire away, Susan.
12:57I'm all ears.
12:58I want to talk to you about Mum.
13:00Mum?
13:01What about her?
13:02She's coming to tea.
13:04Coming here?
13:06Seriously?
13:07Yeah, next week.
13:09You see, Susan, you see?
13:12I said she'd crack first.
13:15Never coming back, huh?
13:19That didn't last long, did it?
13:21High ten, girls.
13:23High ten?
13:24Gerald, two high fives do not make a high ten.
13:27Blast.
13:28She didn't ask, Dad.
13:30I did.
13:32Ah, right.
13:33I see.
13:34And she's bringing Kyle.
13:36Kyle?
13:36We need to get to know him, Dad.
13:38As long as he's Mum's boyfriend, he's family.
13:41Family?
13:43He won't last.
13:44Quite frankly, I don't know what your mother sees in him.
13:47Um, duh.
13:48He's a personal trainer.
13:50Where's the attraction?
13:52Double duh.
13:53Buff guns.
13:54Tight butt.
13:55Iron hard packer.
13:57Petrols, Vic.
13:58Yeah, also packer.
14:00Have you seen him in spandex?
14:02It's like a third leg.
14:05The bloke turned my stomach the first morning he showed up, jogging up and down in his low-cut lycra.
14:13Not a hair on his chest, Sue.
14:15Not one.
14:16I mean, I want to be generous and assume he's got alopecia or he's having a bit of chemo.
14:24But the truth is, he waxes it.
14:27Your mother's boyfriend waxes his chest.
14:30Dad!
14:31See, nobody objects to a bit of male grooming, trim your ears and eyebrows when they start going a bit pubic.
14:38Yes.
14:39But shaving your chest, it's not normal.
14:43It is these days, Dad, and Kyle's coming to tea.
14:46Well, if he leaves moisturiser on me world of leather, he's paying for the cleaning.
14:51Dad!
14:52Listen to yourself.
14:54I'm worried about you.
14:55Don't worry about me, Sue.
14:56I'm fine.
14:57You're not fine.
14:58You've been hurt and you're not facing up to it.
15:00How?
15:01How am I not facing it?
15:02Well, by banging on all the time.
15:05It's why Mum left.
15:06You were banging on while she grabbed a car key.
15:08Susan, she crossed the line.
15:10She left a bit of butter in the Marmite.
15:14A lot of butter in the Marmite and also a lot of Marmite in the butter.
15:20I said, Valerie, it's very simple.
15:25Just wipe the knife on the edge of the toast before...
15:28And she left, Dad.
15:30And I don't blame her.
15:31In fact, if Vic was bringing in a bit more money, we'd leave too.
15:35Getting there, Sue.
15:37In fact, boom.
15:38Looks like I've got a DJing gig right here.
15:41Safe, my brav.
15:42That was enough sick last night hanging with the U-turn stuff.
15:45I was telling you.
15:46So, guys, me's looking to spend my fuckbeats for the ladies on the Red Room.
15:53Yeah, make some fierce noise, right?
15:56Rinse it up.
15:59Oh, sorry, Mrs. Collins.
16:03Yeah, no, when Jonathan comes in, can you tell him that Victoria returned his call?
16:06Thanks.
16:10What?
16:11You were putting on that voice again, babes.
16:13No, really.
16:14Oh, my God, I so don't know when I'm doing it.
16:20You're not thinking of leaving, are you, girls?
16:22I think I'd rattle about a bit in this house on me own.
16:26Well, we're not going to be here forever, Dad.
16:28You have to start rebuilding your own life.
16:30I don't know what you mean.
16:31Having the courage to say, I've been hurt, but I'm still here.
16:34This is my life, and I'm going to live it to the full.
16:37You mean upgrade our Sky subscription?
16:40That's a big step.
16:41No, Dad.
16:43Mum's been gone six months.
16:45You're not a monk.
16:46I mean, start dating again.
16:52Dating?
16:52Who'd want to date me?
16:54Lots of girls.
16:55What about that one at work?
16:57The one that Mum always used to say flirted with you at the ballroom dancing?
17:01Oh, Malika.
17:02She's a bit of all right, isn't she?
17:04Well, yeah, she is an impressive woman.
17:08Feisty, spirited, passionate about health and safety.
17:14Not hard to look at, either.
17:17In fact, it's her birthday on Friday.
17:21Well, that's perfect.
17:22Buy her a little prezzy, something girly.
17:25There's a great new shop on the high street called Girl Shack.
17:27Me and Sue love it.
17:29Girl Shack, you say?
17:31Or Anne Summers.
17:33Yeah, what?
17:47Yes, I'd like to buy this.
17:49Excuse me, won't be a moment.
17:51Girl Shack, can I help you?
17:54I'll have to check the stock on the computer.
17:57Excuse me, miss, I am here.
17:59If you could just wait one moment while I deal with this call.
18:01But I was here first, I turned up.
18:04Why should some lazy so-and-so, who can't even be bothered to get off his fat backside, get to jump the queue just because he's picked up the phone?
18:11It's policy to deal with calls as they come in, sir, otherwise they keep ringing.
18:16It's policy.
18:16It's policy.
18:21Same excuse the Nazis tried at Nuremberg.
18:24Just following orders.
18:27Excuse me, I was here first.
18:29No, you wasn't.
18:29I was here.
18:30You was talking to him.
18:31I was only talking to him because I was waiting to talk to her.
18:34Well, no, I'm talking to her and I don't want to talk to you.
18:36But you were only talking to her because I was talking to him while I was waiting to talk to her.
18:39That's why I'm talking to you.
18:41Are you a nutter?
18:42No, I'm not a nutter.
18:44You are.
18:45You're a nutter.
18:47I've got these four dance leotards, but I'm buying them for four different girls at Zumba.
18:51So do you want to pay for them all separately?
18:53Yeah, and can I get an individual receipt for each one?
18:55Not a problem.
18:57Excuse me, won't be a moment.
19:00Girl, Shack, can I help you?
19:02A scarf?
19:03Certainly, if you'd like to come by and see us.
19:07Here I am.
19:08Here is the scarf.
19:11But I'm serving her.
19:12I am on the phone.
19:14I think you are aware of shop policy.
19:17So stick that on your iPod and suffer.
19:23Help!
19:23I need some body.
19:25Crazy right now.
19:25I need some body.
19:27Crazy right now.
19:28That's a really good feat.
19:30Yeah, it's a mash-up of the Beatles and Beyonce.
19:32I'm calling it Beyonce.
19:35What about the Beatles part?
19:39Duh.
19:39It's the first bit of Beatles and the second bit of Beyonce.
19:44Which is Beyonce?
19:46Well, I suppose I could do the first bit of Beyonce and the second bit of Beatles.
19:50Which would be Beatles?
19:54Well, I did it.
19:56Oh, Girl Shack.
19:58So you took my advice then?
20:00Very cool, Dad.
20:01Very classy.
20:02It's just a little birthday gift.
20:04A nice silk scarf.
20:05Oh, 32 quid.
20:07Lucky her.
20:09Oh, no.
20:10They've left the security tag on.
20:13Totally do not try and get it off.
20:15I've tried loads of times in shops.
20:17It just sprays ink all over the changing cubicle.
20:21Blimey.
20:21I'm going to have to take it back after work tomorrow.
20:24Don't get me started.
20:25Do not get me started.
20:27So the balls up has been completed and the bit is now pending.
20:35Talk to me, Clive.
20:36Well, Gerald, Malika was right.
20:38We've had to close the road.
20:40Nobody likes it.
20:41I do.
20:43I flippin' love it.
20:45The surrounding streets will get over-congested, so we'll have to close them too.
20:48Well, that'll block the whole town centre from the south.
20:51We'll have to put in temporary buses.
20:53Temporary buses mean temporary bus lanes.
20:55And temporary bus lanes means temporary bus stops, which means a temporary construction
21:02base, which means port-a-loose.
21:07You've got to be careful with those, mate.
21:10I used one when we had the multicultural festival.
21:13Unfortunately, the lock was broken, so I thought, I know.
21:16I'll jam the door shut with me foot.
21:19Only opened outwards.
21:20Hello, ladies.
21:22We've all been there.
21:24Yes, well, we need to be prepared for every eventuality and for major congestion and inconvenience.
21:31The tailbacks will go all the way to the M25.
21:34I'm afraid, sir.
21:35Closet.
21:38Closet M25.
21:39We have the authority.
21:41We can do it.
21:42Let me lay the first call.
21:43Now, we mustn't leap to judgment, Malika.
21:47Closing the M25 would mean shutting down Heathrow, Gatwick and the Channel Ports.
21:55That is a big call.
21:57It takes a big man to make a big call, Gerald.
22:00Are you a big man?
22:04Yes, Malika, I am.
22:06If necessary, I am.
22:09I am a big man.
22:17Good afternoon, miss.
22:19I'd like some service, please.
22:21That is, unless there's anybody else in the British Isles that might need you, in which
22:25case they would naturally take precedence.
22:28Is there something?
22:29Yes, there is something.
22:30You sold me this scarf yesterday and you left the security tag on.
22:35Oh, sorry about that.
22:36Have you got the receipt?
22:37But why would you need the receipt?
22:42You've got the scarf.
22:44A receipt proves you paid for it.
22:46Otherwise, you could have picked it up just now.
22:48But you sold it to me yesterday.
22:50Surely you remember me?
22:52Oh, yes, sir.
22:53I remember you.
22:54Do not get me started.
22:59Hey, we won't.
23:00The receipt for the scarf wasn't in the bag.
23:03I know.
23:03You left it.
23:04I stuck it to the door of the fridge.
23:06Of course.
23:07The fridge.
23:08The family database.
23:10What else would you do with a valuable and important document but stick it to the fridge
23:14with a plastic banana?
23:18Girl, Jack, I'll pick it up on me way to work and this time this ticket does not leave me
23:25jacket pocket.
23:28Anyone for a cup of tea?
23:31I'll text you.
23:34Excuse me.
23:35Please.
23:36Excuse me.
23:37I need to get through.
23:38Morning, Team Health and Safety.
23:40I'm just popping into the high streets and move the barrier, please, Clive.
23:44Good one, Gerald.
23:46Excuse me, Clive?
23:47This is a test, isn't it?
23:49What?
23:49You said no high-biz, no access, no exceptions.
23:54You're testing our resolve.
23:55No.
23:56Actually, I'm not, Clive.
23:57Yes, you are.
23:58I would have let you straight through.
23:59I'm really not testing.
24:01The more you say it, the more obvious it gets.
24:04You can trust Team Health and Safety, Gerald.
24:07Your team, your rules.
24:13Well done, Clive.
24:14Oh, it's you again.
24:17Have you got your receipt?
24:34Yes, I have.
24:35And it is in the pocket of me other jacket.
24:38Yes, I have.
24:39Yes, I have.
24:40Yes, I have.
24:41Yes, I have.
24:42Yes, I have.
24:43Yes, I have.
24:44Happy birthday, Maverick.
24:45Well, top birthday all round.
24:48A family box of celebrations from Clive.
24:51Strangely, with no Malteser cheeses or Carmel's in.
24:54Yeah.
24:55Yeah.
24:56Funny that.
24:57A Jethro Tull CD from Bernard.
25:00And a top of lovely grey stuff from Mrs Johnson.
25:07Thank you all very much.
25:09Well, I have also bought you a present, Malika.
25:10Have you, Gerald?
25:11From that new shop in the High Street.
25:12Girl Shack.
25:13I love their stuff.
25:14Hand it over them.
25:15Unfortunately, it is still in the shop, but I have the receipt with which you can claim
25:27it.
25:28What have you got me?
25:29Well, something I'd really like to see you in.
25:32You'd really like to see me in this, would you?
25:43Oh, yes.
25:44In fact, I'd be honoured if you'd let me put it on for you.
25:48I can do you for harassment.
25:51One pair lacy knickers.
25:57Oh, Gerald, this is a mistake.
26:00Of course it's a mistake.
26:02There's no way Malika's a size eight.
26:09Off to work, love.
26:11Victoria is monopolising the bathroom again, but this time, the works toilet tap will not
26:20defeat me.
26:30He came and tried it, but this time however it fits, he went to the
26:55store.
27:25that's squirted again yes and they're not gonna dry either the moisture has stuck the fabric to
27:36me thighs thus impeding airflow i need to distance me trousers from me body how about
27:44creating a drying frame using polystyrene cups from the drinking fountain that's a very good idea
27:51quite obviously mrs. Johnson due to ongoing problems with dampness i have placed a
28:12polystyrene cup in me trousers well whatever turn you on i suppose but you keep your hand off my
28:20rubber gloves and next time put a sign on the door
28:31and next time will be next tuesday night more from the right way at 10 35 here on bbc one big movie
28:38action with harrison ford next tonight with his family held captive the president fights back at
28:43thirty thousand feet on board air force one
28:46you
28:49you
28:54you