Michael Che returns to the stage in Oakland and tackles American patriotism, Black leadership, jealous exes, loose bears, mental health and more.
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00:15Oh, look at that.
00:30What's up, O'Black?
00:39Please, please, please.
00:49This is exciting.
00:53Thank you so much.
00:54Thank you so much for coming to this table,
00:56and I really appreciate it.
00:58This is gonna be a lot of fun.
00:59I had to do this special in Oakland.
01:09Oakland is, like, one of my favorite cities in the world.
01:12It's, like, it is. It is.
01:16It's a very unique city.
01:18It's, like, the one place
01:19where you can get stock tips from a pimp.
01:28The whole day is dope.
01:32I didn't want to tape in San Francisco.
01:42It's nothing against San Francisco, but it's just a little too whimsy for me.
01:47You know what I mean?
01:48Like, it's just too...
01:49It's just too much hope.
01:53I didn't think my jokes would do well there.
01:57You know when, like, a good parent says you can be anything you want to be?
02:02In San Francisco.
02:07You want to open a bakery, but you only know how to make cupcakes?
02:09Well, you can be anything you want to be.
02:13In San Francisco.
02:19You want to smoke crack in front of the library?
02:27Oh, you know that guy?
02:36There's so much to talk about.
02:37This is my first special in five years.
02:47I got so much on my mind, man.
02:51You ever see a homeless guy with a dick so big you stop feeling sorry for him?
03:09Well, you can be whatever you want to be.
03:14In San Francisco.
03:19I saw that recently.
03:20I did see a homeless guy.
03:22I saw a homeless guy, a gentleman, I don't know what you call him, but his dick was so big
03:28that I started to think maybe that's why he was homeless.
03:37Maybe he just went through life with too much confidence.
03:41People tried to warn him, like, hey, man, you better get a better job or you're gonna lose everything.
03:45He was like, job?
03:45I don't need money.
03:48I got a big ass dick.
03:49I'll be fine.
03:51I'll just whip this shit out in CVS.
03:58See where it takes me?
04:05That sounds like just a gross dick joke, but, uh, you know, maybe it's insight into the fragile male ego.
04:15Okay, now it's smart.
04:19It's true, though, I mean, a gainfully employed man can see a homeless guy with a giant penis and be
04:23like, lucky motherfucker.
04:28Some dudes just get all the bricks, I guess.
04:36I don't know why men are so obsessed with their dicks.
04:38It's pretty funny.
04:40Every man in here knows what I'm talking about.
04:44Every dude in here has measured his dick before, and I don't mean just with a ruler.
04:50I mean anything that could be the shape of a dick.
04:56Hairbrush, shampoo bottle.
04:58Ladies, if you ever go in the bathroom and you see the remote control in there, you're like, why is
05:02the remote control in here?
05:07Cause we gotta get scale.
05:13Women don't measure their genitals.
05:15I don't know if it's because you're smarter than us or because you just haven't figured out how yet.
05:20I mean, what would you do?
05:21Would you fill it with water and stand over a bucket?
05:30I got two cups of pussy.
05:36Two cups of pussy sounds like a Megan Thee Stallion song.
05:47Two cups of pussy.
05:52I like Megan Thee Stallion, but I did not understand WAP.
05:58Like, wet ass pussy all the time, for real?
06:02She got like a condition or some shit?
06:05That's right, my pussy's wet all the time.
06:09Funerals, birthday parties.
06:15Court.
06:24Men are obsessed with their dicks.
06:25I've been trying to figure that shit out my entire life.
06:28Why?
06:30It's not even because women like them.
06:32To be honest, we'd prefer it if you didn't like it.
06:38You don't believe me?
06:39Go home.
06:40Go home.
06:41Go home.
06:41Tell your boyfriend one day.
06:42If you're watching this at home, just go to your boyfriend and say,
06:45Babe, I'm leaving you.
06:47Because your dick is way too big for me.
06:51I hate having sex with you.
06:54I need a much smaller man.
06:56I guarantee you he's gonna smile and say,
06:59Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do, baby.
07:03This shit ain't gonna ever change.
07:14I think men know that women like big dicks,
07:17but we just don't know how big is too big.
07:21So we think the number's infinity.
07:27It can't be infinity.
07:28At some point, it's too much, right?
07:30At some point, you're just standing in front of a vending machine
07:32with a $100 bill.
07:38And they're like,
07:39It's nice, but it ain't going in.
07:48I sure wish I had a five on me now.
07:58This is weird seeing you guys all in your masks.
08:01But, you know, this audience is fully vaxxed.
08:04I don't really...
08:12I don't really have a strong stance on whether you want to be vaxxed or not.
08:16I just asked for it to be fully vaxxed because I wanted this audience to understand my jokes.
08:36That doesn't make sense.
08:37I just talked for 15 minutes about homeless guy dicks.
08:47I'm pandering.
08:52I'm with you though, man.
08:53I wear my mask.
08:55If I wasn't performing, I'd have my mask on too.
08:57I started wearing my mask as soon as they started saying,
08:59We don't need masks anymore.
09:00I was like, I want my fucking mask.
09:04I remember that shit when they was like,
09:05We don't need masks this summer.
09:06I was like, uh, no, we do.
09:13I'm serious, yo.
09:14I remember when they first started saying we needed those masks.
09:16I was like, fuck the mask.
09:17That mask can't work.
09:19And they was like, we don't need masks.
09:20I was like, I want my mask.
09:25It's like when a girl tells you,
09:26You don't need a condom.
09:26I'm like, I need two condoms.
09:32I never wanted a condom more until you said that nasty shit.
09:41That's right. You better be vaccinated.
09:43If you want to come to my show,
09:44You got to be vaccinated.
09:46You got to get one of the three.
09:50Everybody's got to be vaccinated.
09:52Or, you know, get one of them cards.
09:59That's the rule.
10:00Oh, get vaccinated.
10:00Or, you know, a card.
10:04Just some card stock and a printer.
10:07Anything will do.
10:09We're not really looking.
10:10Don't laminate it.
10:11Doesn't matter.
10:14That's our defense.
10:17I'm trying to get my mother to get the vaccine, man.
10:20She's...
10:20She's scared.
10:23Well, it's not her fault.
10:24She...
10:25Her neighbor got the vaccine,
10:26and he died, like, three days later.
10:29Yeah, he got hit by a truck.
10:34She thinks the vaccine is unlucky.
10:40I got the vaccine, but I was...
10:41You know, I'm still skeptical.
10:42I don't know.
10:43Is anybody skeptical?
10:44Does anybody feel safer?
10:48They make us feel stupid for being skeptical.
10:51Like, I took it, but I'm still...
10:52I don't know.
10:53You know why I was skeptical?
10:55Because the vaccine was free.
10:59And I was like, I don't know about that shit.
11:03Free medicine in America?
11:07Since when?
11:16If the vaccine was $3,000, I'd have been like,
11:18yeah, that sounds about right.
11:19They're trying to keep rich niggas alive.
11:20I get it.
11:21I get it.
11:22But free?
11:24That shit sound like a setup.
11:28I grew up in public housing.
11:30You know, I...
11:31I remember what the government gives you for free.
11:35It's not usually their best.
11:38I don't know if you've tasted their cheese.
11:42But I wouldn't trust them with vaccines after that shit.
11:46I asked my doctor.
11:47I was like, hey, man, I want the vaccine,
11:48but, you know, give me the one that costs some money.
11:54He was like, what?
11:55I was like, you know, give me the fucking...
11:58Give me the real one.
12:03I want that fucking free shit.
12:05Give me the $3,000 one, dude.
12:09He was like, they're all the same.
12:10I was like, okay, but which one are you gonna give Rihanna?
12:15She's important.
12:19He told me to trust science.
12:21I was like, I don't know science.
12:24I trust history.
12:27And history says if this shit was any good,
12:29you'd be charging us for it.
12:35I took that COVID serious.
12:36I stayed in the house for the first three months.
12:38I didn't go nowhere.
12:39I didn't protest.
12:40I didn't even loot.
12:46I really needed some shit, too.
12:48I didn't loot.
12:48I really fucking wanted to be a part of that.
12:51I did not loot.
12:53I was embarrassed.
12:54I gotta tell my grandkids about that shit.
12:56This is the greatest time to be alive as a black man.
12:58I didn't even fucking get in on it.
13:01Imagine you ask your grandfather,
13:03hey, what was it like to march in Selma?
13:04And he's like, well, actually,
13:05there was a real nasty flu that summer, so...
13:09I stayed home because of germs.
13:14My grandfather's a bitch-ass nigga, man.
13:19Fucking cool.
13:22I had to watch all the lootin' and protestin' on TV.
13:26It was dope, too, man.
13:27I've never been prouder to be a black man.
13:30I'm serious, man.
13:31Watching black people come together and tear shit up.
13:34That shit was a sight to see.
13:35I was proud.
13:41I was callin' on my white friends.
13:42Collin, you know what it is,
13:43and hangin' up on me.
13:47I was showin' off, man.
13:48I was excited.
13:53I was so excited.
13:55I was so proud.
13:56Up until January 6th.
14:00When they stormed that Capitol.
14:02And I saw how real niggas loot.
14:09That was impressive.
14:12Holy shit.
14:16Say what you will, but that was some good fuckin' lootin'.
14:19Goddamn.
14:21Black people did okay.
14:22We were stealing, like, you know, from Target.
14:25We got some Gucci belts.
14:26These motherfuckers tried to steal the Constitution
14:29of the United States of America.
14:33I didn't know that shit was up for grabs.
14:37I was watchin' that shit on TV, like,
14:39fuck, can we get another go?
14:40Let's get another go!
14:42It was like watchin' a supermarket sweep,
14:44and motherfuckers go straight for the caviar.
14:45You're like, aw, this nigga.
14:47It's genius.
14:51All types of racist white groups I've never heard of.
14:55I was watchin' that shit, it was roll callin'.
14:57The Proud Boys are comin'.
14:58The Proud Boys?
15:00The Boogaloo niggas?
15:01Who the fuck are the Boogaloo niggas?
15:06Why are these motherfuckers dressed like Vikings?
15:08What happened to sheets?
15:09I thought they wore sheets.
15:12Y'all too good for sheets now, you're Vikings?
15:19I was embarrassed, dude.
15:23I was like, fuck that, I gotta start,
15:25I gotta start protestin'.
15:28We're not as far ahead as I thought.
15:31I went to, I went to a Black Lives Matter rally
15:34right after that to support,
15:35but I must have gone too late.
15:38It was all white women.
15:45Holy shit, you ever,
15:48you ever end up at a Whites Only Black Lives Matter rally?
15:51That shit is confusin'.
15:53You gotta prepare people for that shit.
15:57They had signs,
15:59stop racism!
16:00I was like, who are you talkin' to?
16:03Each other?
16:05Just call your fucking dad.
16:16That shit was crazy.
16:19I saw a white lady there with a sign that said,
16:21fuck the police.
16:23I wanted to rob her on principle.
16:29Just to see how committed she was.
16:35Fuck the police.
16:48It wasn't all bad.
16:49We got some good shit.
16:51Black people got some shit out of them protests.
16:53We got some good shit.
16:53What'd we get?
16:55We got, we got, uh, got Aunt Jemima fired.
17:02I'll take it, whatever.
17:03I don't know how high that was on a docket, but sure.
17:07It's about time, I guess.
17:10Some liberated pancakes.
17:16What else we get?
17:17We got Juneteenth.
17:18Oh, yeah.
17:19That fucking holiday we didn't definitely just find out about two years ago.
17:25You know.
17:27Juneteenth.
17:28The thing we definitely didn't just see one TikTok video about.
17:31And now we want it.
17:35We need a new fucking negotiator, Black people.
17:38This shit is frustrating.
17:40It's like watching the Knicks in the off season.
17:43It's like, Juneteenth?
17:44Who wanted that shit?
17:45I thought we was getting Durant.
17:55What the fuck is Kyrie?
17:59And I like Juneteenth.
18:00It's just, you know, it's just not as fun now that white people get to celebrate it too.
18:06It's your fault.
18:07You shouldn't get the day off.
18:18It's like celebrating the day you stop hitting your wife.
18:25This would be so much better if we have black leadership.
18:30Real black leadership.
18:31All our black leaders is just celebrities and niggas on Twitter.
18:40If you're a celebrity or a nigga from Twitter, people think you're a black leader.
18:44I have kids that come up to me like, hey man, I get all my news from you.
18:47And I'm like, nigga, you don't know shit.
18:52I'm not doing news.
18:54I'm telling jokes.
18:57I'm not saying you shouldn't use your platform for good, but I'm just saying celebrities are too busy to be
19:02actual black leaders.
19:04We need motherfuckers that can do this shit full time.
19:09You know the reason why Martin Luther King got so much work done?
19:12Because he wasn't also small forward for the Lakers.
19:23Too many small forwards leading these marches.
19:30That's why we don't got shit.
19:33Everybody's getting shit but us, because everybody got leadership except us.
19:37Asians got a hate crime bill.
19:39I don't remember their riot, but I'm glad.
19:46Am I bullshitting?
19:48I was happy they got one too.
19:52Asians and blacks, first of all, Asians and blacks, we get along great.
19:55We have a beautiful relationship.
20:02I love the Chinese.
20:03Chinese people brought broccoli to the hood.
20:10There was no broccoli in the ghetto before Chinese people got there.
20:14Don't you fucking start lying.
20:19I didn't even know what that shit was called. We used to call it Little Trees.
20:24You can get all the beef in Little Trees.
20:29Black people are very thankful for that.
20:32Yeah, thank you.
20:34I don't know how much we could thank you.
20:37Why do you think there's so many black girls named China, Asia?
20:43We love you niggas. It's for the broccoli. Thank you.
20:52I challenge you to find one black neighborhood without at least 37 thriving Chinese businesses.
20:59Not just Chinese agents, everybody. Everybody comes to the black neighborhood to open up their business.
21:03I think we all know that. Black people are like the first boss in a video game.
21:10You want the American dream, you gotta open up your store here first.
21:14See what them chicken wings is hitting like.
21:21And we don't mind it because at least you sell shit we like.
21:26Chicken wings, ponytails, wave grease, do-rags.
21:31Cigarettes one at a time.
21:35DVDs. You know, everything we fucking like.
21:37I don't know who's doing your research, but they are nailing it.
21:40In-flight magazine that you motherfuckers reading before you get to the hood.
21:45But you know everything.
21:48White people don't know that shit about us, and we've been here the whole time with them.
21:53You ever needed wave grease and went into a CVS?
21:58White people don't know shit about us.
22:00That's why we never feel welcome in this country.
22:03People come here, and they know more about us than y'all do when we're fucking neighbors.
22:07Isn't that crazy?
22:09Anything too American?
22:10I noticed that. Like, I'm American. I'm born and raised in this country.
22:15But I don't feel American.
22:22I feel American until I'm around something very American, and then I'm like, I don't like this.
22:30I think that's the better.
22:32You know what I'm saying? Like, like, okay, I'll give you an example.
22:35Like, I was driving through Texas one time on the road.
22:38Oh, you heard of it.
22:41I hit one of them small towns in Texas, and there was an American flag on every house.
22:48And we all looked at each other in the car like, let's get the fuck out of here.
22:57This is way too American for us.
23:02Something about the American flag is just too American.
23:05I feel the same way about the American flag that I imagine white people feel about black people.
23:11Like, I don't want to be around a lot of them.
23:18Three or four is fine. That's plenty, but I don't, you know, I don't want to be surrounded.
23:32Black people love this country. We're just more specific about our love.
23:37You ask any nigga here, you love America? He'll be like, I love Brooklyn.
23:44Atlanta's cool.
23:46I don't know shit about them Dakotas.
23:50If there was a black American flag, they'd be like 11 stars.
23:55For cities. It wouldn't even be the whole state.
23:57They'd be like, alright, Detroit, Oakland, D.C.
24:08Everything else would be a big ass question mark.
24:14Black people don't fuck with anything too patriotic, man.
24:19Weirds us out.
24:21You don't see American flags in black neighborhoods.
24:24You'll see more Puerto Rican flags in a black neighborhood than American flags.
24:29Ain't that crazy?
24:32It's too patriotic. White people love patriotic shit.
24:35And I get it. It reminds you of America's history.
24:43But for black people, it reminds us of America's history.
24:57Even the National Anthem. The National Anthem, uh...
25:01Remember when Kaepernick was kneeling for the National Anthem?
25:04White people was like, how the fuck could he do that?
25:06Niggas is watching like, I get it.
25:09Cause you don't know what it sounds like to us.
25:13This is gonna be fucked up.
25:17When I hit a National Anthem, you know what it feels like?
25:19It feels like I'm listening to R. Kelly now.
25:27It's still good.
25:32It's still good.
25:35It's just hard to not think about that other thing.
25:46This white guy.
25:48R. Kelly's an R&B singer from the 90s.
25:51Yeah.
25:57He made a lot of important music for black people.
26:00And two very important songs for white people.
26:05I Believe I Can Fly.
26:08And the remix to Ignition.
26:10You know?
26:16I love announcing that into a microphone.
26:18Cause there's always a white girl like,
26:19Fuck! He made that too!
26:22That's my wedding song.
26:26It's a good song.
26:30He also peed on a 15 year old girl.
26:35Which white people just found out about.
26:37And niggas had to pretend we just found out about.
26:44We knew about that shit for a while.
26:45We saw the tape.
26:48That's how long ago it was.
26:49It was on tape.
26:50This nigga set up a tripod for that shit.
26:55Nobody here saw the tape?
26:59I saw that tape.
27:00That shit was fucked up.
27:01I don't know if you've ever seen it,
27:02but it is fucked up.
27:03Not only does he pee on a 15 year old girl,
27:05which is already horrible.
27:07But he also pees on his own couch.
27:16When I saw that shit,
27:17I was like, this nigga's insane, man.
27:19Who would...
27:20Who would do such a thing?
27:23I gonna move that shit to the linoleum or nothing?
27:32I'm not saying it's just as bad,
27:33but you know, one of them things is a lot harder to clean.
27:44Is that the line?
27:49I have to ask, guys.
27:50If I go too far, let me know.
27:52I'll reign it back.
27:55I like making fun of dark shit.
27:57That's just how I process information.
28:02And it doesn't make me better or anything.
28:04It's just how I do it.
28:05Some people...
28:07Some people don't.
28:08Some people like to make sad shit sadder.
28:12You know, I disagree.
28:14I like making fun of sad shit.
28:16I don't like people who make fun shit sad.
28:19What's worse?
28:20Making fun of something sad
28:21or making sad of something fun?
28:24You know what I mean?
28:25Like, who would you rather hang out with?
28:26Somebody that's gonna make you laugh
28:28about that time you got molested or...
28:35Or somebody that tells you
28:37Scramble Decks are just chicken abortions.
28:50I'm asking because, you know,
28:52I like to make jokes that are terrible to some people.
28:57Yeah.
28:59I'm always getting into trouble.
29:01I remember one time in an interview
29:02I got in trouble because I said
29:03I like Donald Trump.
29:07Well, in fairness, he had just hosted SNL
29:09and he was fucking nice to me.
29:12He was.
29:13He even gave me a nickname.
29:15He called me, uh,
29:15One of the Good Ones.
29:16And, uh...
29:26I don't know what he meant by that.
29:35I'm kidding. I don't like Donald Trump.
29:45I don't hate Donald Trump.
29:49I didn't love him.
29:50I didn't hate him.
29:51I just wish he wasn't our president.
29:53If that makes sense.
29:56But, if Donald Trump was the president of anywhere else,
29:59I would have been like,
29:59Yo, this nigga Donald Trump is hilarious.
30:03Why can't we ever get somebody this fun?
30:07But he's ours.
30:08So it was like, wasn't that funny.
30:09You know what I mean?
30:10Like, everybody loves drunk dad,
30:12but not when he's your drunk dad.
30:16Like, your dad's great.
30:17Yeah, well, he hits us.
30:19So I'm glad...
30:20I'm glad you're enjoying this shit.
30:29Democrats hate when you say that shit.
30:31Liberals.
30:33People assume all black people are Democrats
30:38because we always vote Democrat.
30:42But we don't really vote Democrat.
30:44We vote not Republican, if anything.
30:48You know what I mean?
30:52We vote defense first.
30:55We vote like the Baltimore Ravens draft.
31:01Democrats like condoms.
31:02We'll use you, but, you know,
31:04it doesn't feel good.
31:07We're just trying to prevent some other shit
31:09from happening.
31:12That's why black voter turnouts
31:13is always so low.
31:15Like, who would you rather have
31:16old rich white dude
31:16or old rich white dude?
31:19Like, I like to just enjoy my Tuesday,
31:21to be honest with you.
31:24I didn't like when Donald Trump was president,
31:26though.
31:27I could be honest about it now.
31:30I can't.
31:31I didn't like it.
31:32It was frustrating because he'd say some nasty,
31:35ugly shit sometimes.
31:37You know, like, really, really racist shit.
31:39And then right after that, he'd
31:44say something that'll just
31:46touch my old black heart.
31:49You know what I mean?
31:50Like, he'll say something racist,
31:51and then right after that, he'll be like,
31:52you know, the FBI be setting niggas up,
31:54and the media be lying.
31:55And white people will be like, no, they don't.
31:56And I'm like, what?
32:02He's not wrong.
32:03He's just the worst possible guy
32:04to be right at this time.
32:07It's like if Bill Cosby came out and was like,
32:09you know, the justice system is unfair to black men.
32:11You're like, not for you, nigga.
32:12You can't.
32:14We don't want to hear you say that shit.
32:23It's not the only time I got into trouble.
32:27One time I did a thing I didn't even know was a thing.
32:30You ever do that?
32:32I did a thing called deadnaming.
32:33I didn't know.
32:34I'd never heard of it before,
32:35but I made a joke on Saturday Night Live
32:41where I deadnamed.
32:42I don't know if you know what deadnaming is,
32:43but it's when you make reference to a trans person's former self.
32:48Yeah, that's what I did.
32:50I made a joke about
32:52Bruce Jenner the track star
32:54instead of Caitlyn Jenner the race car driver.
33:06I call her a race car driver
33:08because she killed somebody with her car.
33:17Caitlyn Jenner killed somebody with a car,
33:19and my joke was so bad, America took her side.
33:27Did you guys not know that shit?
33:28Of course you didn't,
33:29because no one likes to fucking talk about it.
33:31You know they did a whole Comedy Central roast
33:33about Caitlyn Jenner,
33:34and nobody brought up that she killed somebody with a car?
33:38That'd be like if they roasted OJ
33:39and just stuck to football jokes.
33:43That's not why we know this motherfucker anymore.
33:50They accused me of punching down.
33:54I was like,
33:54well I can't make fun of rich white women,
33:56who the fuck can I make fun of?
34:00She was the 2015 Woman of the Year.
34:03I wasn't even nominated.
34:06The fuck is she down?
34:09I got in trouble for that one.
34:11I learned my lesson too.
34:14From now on,
34:15the only pronouns I use
34:16is this nigga and that nigga.
34:27Caitlyn Jenner killed somebody with a car.
34:32And I'll never forget it.
34:39I could joke about it now.
34:40It's funny,
34:40but at the time it was not very funny.
34:43I was...
34:44I was humiliated.
34:45I was embarrassed.
34:46I felt terrible.
34:47I felt bad because I was writing these articles
34:48calling me homophobic
34:49and I, you know,
34:51I have gay friends.
34:52I work with gay people.
34:53I don't want that going around.
34:55I felt terrible.
34:57But then I started to like,
34:58look into myself like,
34:59well damn, maybe there's something I don't know.
35:03Am I homophobic?
35:09When you did that laugh,
35:10I was like,
35:11that's a gay ass laugh.
35:19I'm kidding.
35:20I'm kidding.
35:21I'm kidding.
35:21That's a joke.
35:21That's just...
35:22I couldn't pass.
35:28I guess I realized
35:30how little I understood about homophobia.
35:32Like, even on a base level.
35:35Like, I don't even know why gays get a phobia
35:37and everybody else gets an ism.
35:47Well no, if you don't like black people,
35:49that's racism, right?
35:51If you don't like women,
35:52that's sexism.
35:54If you don't like poor people,
35:55that's classism.
35:56If you don't like gays,
35:58homophobia.
36:00I thought that was for like,
36:02clowns and spiders and shit.
36:11I looked it up.
36:12I looked up what a phobia was.
36:13You know what a phobia is?
36:15It's an extreme or irrational fear of something.
36:18I'm not like, okay,
36:19well that makes sense.
36:20If you're afraid of gay people,
36:21that's extreme and irrational.
36:24If you're afraid of black people,
36:25that's extreme.
36:35It's not irrational.
36:40If you had an ATM late at night
36:41and black dude would run up behind you
36:43and you'd freak out,
36:44that's an extreme reaction.
36:46It's not irrational.
36:50Look, I'm black,
36:51if a nigga run up on me,
36:52I'm gonna be like, please be gay,
36:53please be gay, please.
36:55Please have a list for something.
37:04It's not irrational.
37:06Why wouldn't you be afraid of black people?
37:08All they do is tell you to be afraid of us.
37:10Everybody's afraid of us.
37:13Cops are afraid of us.
37:14These motherfuckers,
37:14we pay to protect us.
37:16They the most afraid of us.
37:18Cops are so afraid of black people
37:20that I'm starting to believe in myself.
37:26They think we magical or some shit.
37:29You could be holding anything.
37:31They be like, put that fucking gun down.
37:32These are flowers.
37:33What the fuck are you doing?
37:36Yeah, they're flowers now.
37:40You niggas are tricky.
37:44I'm like, damn, can I kill this nigga with flowers?
37:46What the fuck?
37:47The fuck does he know that I don't know?
37:51Do you know what that feels like?
37:53For a motherfucker to believe in you so much
37:57that you actually believe what they believe you to be?
38:03I had an ex-girlfriend like that.
38:04She was jealous.
38:06Super jealous, man.
38:07She used to always think I was cheating on her.
38:09Even when I wasn't.
38:17I'm not saying it's her fault I ended up cheating on her,
38:20but she gave me the confidence I needed
38:30to meet other people.
38:34I can introduce anybody.
38:36Models.
38:38Women I could not fuck if I wanted to.
38:41She'd be like, you fucking her, ain't you?
38:43I'm like, I can't.
38:48She'd go, yeah, well, I see the way she looks at you.
38:51I go, she do be looking.
38:52What the fuck?
39:01That's a stupid joke.
39:05It's true, though.
39:08We'd fight all the time.
39:10We'd fight over stupid shit.
39:12Just because I didn't know.
39:13Stuff I didn't know.
39:14I always hated that she assumed that I would know things
39:17that I couldn't possibly know.
39:19Like, I didn't know periods weren't fun.
39:23It looks fun in the commercial.
39:30I have sisters.
39:32They get their periods.
39:35But, you know, they didn't even call it a period.
39:37They'd be like, it's my time of the month.
39:38And I'd be like, okay, have a good time.
39:45Can't wait till I grow up and get some time for myself.
39:50And that's all they'd say about it.
39:52They never even fucking talked about it.
39:54They didn't talk about it the way I would talk about it
39:55if I got a period.
39:57If I got a period, it'd be all I talked about.
40:01It'd be my excuse for everything.
40:03Like, Shay, you're three hours late for work.
40:04Nigga, I got my period.
40:10We understand that, but that's the third time this month
40:12you've used that excuse.
40:15Well, I played sports in high school.
40:17My shit's irregular.
40:17What the fuck you want from me, man?
40:21I'm all bloated and shit.
40:27My girl would get her period, man,
40:28and she wouldn't even say nothing about it.
40:31She would just be suffering.
40:32I would feel so bad.
40:34And I know she didn't want to talk to me about it
40:35because she thought she maybe couldn't talk to me about it.
40:38So I would try to say something to let her know
40:40that she could talk to me about it
40:41if she wanted to talk to me about it.
40:42Like, I'd ask her.
40:43I'd say,
40:44Hey, what are you,
40:45you want your period or something?
40:51Yeah, that's not how you do that.
40:55She would get so mad.
40:56Why the fuck would you ask me that?
40:59I don't know,
41:00because you're miserable and I would be too
41:01if I was stuffed with cotton.
41:09She would make it seem like it was a dumb guess.
41:11Like, it was a fucking good guess.
41:14She got a period for a week every month.
41:18It's like a one in four chance I'm right
41:20any time I ask that question.
41:23It's not a stupid question.
41:26If you knew that I smoked crack
41:27for one week every month,
41:29and then one day you see me outside
41:31butt naked in Timberlands
41:32trying to settle a refrigerator door.
41:37You're like,
41:38Che, you smoking crack this week?
41:39Why would you ask me that?
41:42It's dismissive.
41:51She called me toxic.
41:54That's a rotten thing to call somebody, right?
42:01Especially if it's true.
42:04She left me.
42:05And I don't...
42:06I miss her.
42:07I don't miss her.
42:08I miss...
42:12I miss...
42:14I miss all the work that I put in the relationship.
42:19And now it's non-transferable.
42:24You know what I mean?
42:25Like, when I date something new
42:27and she's like,
42:28you never take me anywhere,
42:28I can't be like,
42:29what about that time I took my ex
42:32to her sister's wedding?
42:38I'm gonna start all over again.
42:41I'm not gonna.
42:44I'm not gonna start all over again.
42:46I quit.
42:47I'm gonna just be single for the rest of my life.
42:49I really am.
42:53Just gonna grow old by myself.
42:55I just bought a house from a couple lesbians.
43:00I said that wrong.
43:01Can we do that again?
43:03I just bought a house from a lesbian couple.
43:11We'll fix it.
43:15It's a beautiful house upstate.
43:17It's in the country.
43:18Upstate New York.
43:19And I'm really excited about it, man.
43:21It's too white, though.
43:23It's like...
43:23The town is very fucking white.
43:25It's so white.
43:27It's like...
43:27Me and one black bear.
43:29And that's...
43:32That's it.
43:35That is all...
43:37I can't wait to meet this motherfucker,
43:39to be honest with you.
43:41Finally.
43:42Somebody I can talk to.
43:44Somebody that's not gonna cross the street when I...
43:48He's gonna be so surprised.
43:49Imagine if he sees me.
43:50He's like,
43:50Oh, shit!
43:51When you get here?
43:54Where's your fur?
43:57This nigga got alopecia.
44:04I didn't know...
44:05I didn't know black bear was a species.
44:08I had no idea that that was like a real fucking species.
44:11Cause we had like a town meeting.
44:13And they were like,
44:13There was a black bear sighting in the neighborhood.
44:16And I was like,
44:16Just say bear.
44:17You don't gotta be nasty about this shit.
44:22And judge the motherfucker for being black.
44:32I was scared when I found out that there's black bear in my neighborhood.
44:35I never seen no fucking black bear from New York City.
44:37You ever seen a bear?
44:39I was like,
44:39Do I have to shoot this motherfucker?
44:41What do I gotta do?
44:43But I found out what to do.
44:44You know what to do if you ever encounter a bear?
44:46You have to make yourself really big.
44:48And you gotta make a lot of noise.
44:50Because bear won't eat you if they think you're retarded.
45:09What if that's true?
45:11What if you do that and the bear's like chill, chill, chill.
45:13Not him, not him.
45:17Nah, I think I'm not hungry no more.
45:18Let's not eat.
45:19Let's just eat some berries or something, man.
45:21Leave him alone.
45:26That's not a nice word to say.
45:27I know.
45:28But I only said it cause I thought it would make you laugh.
45:32And it did.
45:33That's why I did it in Oakland.
45:37Cause you guys want to be woke, but you don't know how.
45:44I'm trying not, I'm not, I don't, I don't like to use that word.
45:46I literally just did it for a joke.
45:50I don't like that.
45:51I don't like that word as much anymore.
45:52I'm learning a lot.
45:55I got nephews just diagnosed with autism.
45:58I'm really excited about it.
46:03Well, I'm excited about it cause I didn't know that black kids could get it.
46:09Did you?
46:11I had no fucking.
46:14They don't really diagnose black kids' mental health historically.
46:18I don't know if you realize that.
46:20They don't really diagnose us.
46:21So like when I was growing up, there was two diagnoses of mental health.
46:24We had crazy and we had ain't nothing wrong with that nigga.
46:33And now we got autism and I think that's progress.
46:38That means they're finally checking in on black mental health.
46:40I'm sure I grew up with kids that had autism, but nobody called it that.
46:44They'd just be like, ain't nothing wrong with that nigga.
46:46He just liked to count.
46:49I don't know if that's the whole story.
46:53He's blinking an awful lot.
46:58Black people know I'm not lying.
46:59They don't diagnose black kids with shit.
47:02I got an uncle who's deaf.
47:03We didn't know until he was 27 years old.
47:07The whole time my grandma was like, ain't nothing wrong with that nigga.
47:09He hear you.
47:10And I was like, I don't.
47:12I don't think he does.
47:14He didn't flinch.
47:20Of course I know black people have mental health issues.
47:24You know what I mean?
47:25Black girls I dated that's clearly bipolar.
47:29And still walking around like, ain't nothing wrong with me.
47:31I'm just a Gemini.
47:32You're like, uh-uh.
47:36You need medicine, Keisha.
47:39This ain't got shit to do with the moon.
47:41You bit me.
47:51Now we know about mental health.
47:54And that's why it makes me happy.
47:57But it also makes me sad.
47:59Cause I'm like, damn.
48:00You know what I mean?
48:01Niggas we could have helped if we knew about mental health sooner.
48:05DMX was barking like a dog for 25 years.
48:07Nobody said shit.
48:12Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga.
48:13Niggas just like dogs a lot.
48:20Flavor Flav is 60 years old.
48:24He wears a Viking helmet and a clock every day.
48:30That's not nothing.
48:42You know what I learned about mental health?
48:44This is when I realized that this conversation was open for everybody.
48:47You know what I learned about mental health?
48:49Sesame Street.
48:52Yeah.
48:53I did an episode of Sesame Street.
48:55Sesame Street.
48:56And when you do Sesame Street, they give you a tour of Sesame Street.
49:00And I was excited, man.
49:01I was raised on Sesame Street.
49:03Sesame Street almost taught me how to read.
49:06And when I get there, the lady says,
49:09we have a lot of diverse puppets now on Sesame Street.
49:12And I was like, yeah, I don't know.
49:14You got a big bird, a hairy elephant.
49:16I get it.
49:18She said, no.
49:20We have an African American puppet.
49:24We have a Latina puppet.
49:26We have a HIV positive puppet.
49:30Yeah, I don't know how he got it either.
49:37Seems like a very strange and avoidable thing to give to a puppet.
49:42I didn't ask any questions, but the whole time I was thinking,
49:45who the fuck is raw-dogging puppets on Sesame Street getting these niggas sick?
49:54Yeah, I catch this motherfucker.
50:04Then she goes, and we have our first autistic puppet.
50:11I was like, first?
50:18Well, first autistic puppet implies that all the other puppets are fine.
50:27I don't know if y'all remember Sesame Street,
50:29but they got this one nigga on there named The Count.
50:36He dresses up like a vampire and just counts all the shit in his apartment.
50:52I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't be allowed to touch the stove.
51:05Is it a good sign when the audience is covering their face during a show?
51:10I didn't know about mental health. I'm learning about it now.
51:14I know about crazy.
51:16Now, crazy, I grew up with crazy.
51:17I've seen crazy growing up.
51:19But crazy's different.
51:20Because ain't no medicine for crazy.
51:23Ain't no compassion for crazy.
51:26You know what you get for crazy?
51:27A nickname.
51:30And that nickname's whatever your name already is with the word crazy in front of it.
51:36If your name is Joe, you are Crazy Joe.
51:40That shit is not to help you. It's to warn others.
51:46Crazy Joe's wearing his trench coat in July. Maybe we should cross the street.
51:54In fact, the only time I even heard the phrase mental health is when a white guy does something fucking
52:00crazy.
52:02Oh, then you hear all about mental health. Then I don't care how crazy that shit is.
52:06A white guy could shoot up a whole office building the first thing they ask on the news.
52:09Well, what was his mental health?
52:11Bad! I'm gonna say bad.
52:15Put the puzzle away. This motherfucker's gonna fail. He shot up an office he don't work at.
52:24All the shootings and violence that you hear about in black neighborhoods
52:28that make you so afraid of us,
52:31you've never heard anybody ask anything about mental health.
52:36You've never heard...
52:39It's true.
52:44You've never heard them on the news say two Crips shoot up a liquor store after a long battle with
52:49OCD.
52:55That's not even supposed to be funny. That's just what I think a Crip would have as OCD.
52:59It's a grown-ass man who refuses to wear anything that's not blue.
53:06Ain't nothing wrong with that nigga. Nigga just hate red. Don't like...
53:09Don't like his ears touched.
53:17But now they're looking into black mental health.
53:20It's a fucking different day.
53:23It was a tennis player, Naomi Osaka. Right?
53:31She took a mental health break from the French Open. That's fucking crazy.
53:36I never heard of that.
53:39Simone Biles took a mental health break from the Olympics.
53:47I know you're clapping, but do you realize how progressive that shit actually is?
53:55You can't even take a mental health break from the Special Olympics.
54:15Niggas are getting mental health breaks now. This is fucking awesome news.
54:19Not just mental health, but for anything.
54:22We could be bipolar.
54:25I mean, Kanye said he was bipolar.
54:28He doesn't have to worry about being attacked by a bear anytime soon.
54:40Niggas have anxiety now.
54:43You know how white a lady you had to be to get anxiety before?
54:50Now, I could get it, too. Thanks, Obama.
54:59This is an incredible time.
55:01I know a nigga who was diagnosed with depression. I'm so proud of him.
55:07That's the most privileged disease of all.
55:11White people hate when I say that shit.
55:14I say depression is a privileged disease because it implies your life is good enough that you shouldn't be sad.
55:30That's not something black people could claim for many years. I don't know if you guys are history buffs.
55:36Imagine two slaves in a cotton field and one is like, hey, man, what's wrong?
55:45You seem down.
55:52Yeah, a master says I got seasonal depression.
56:01He said these pills are gonna take my cotton-picking blues away.
56:12Imagine that, right?
56:14All these years in this fucking country, 400 years of bullshit,
56:21and black people finally have mental health issues.
56:28What a coincidence.
56:31You know why I think they don't like to diagnose black mental health?
56:36Because then they'd have to tell us what's making us so fucking sick in the first place.
56:49I don't want this show to end sad.
56:52Don't you hate when comedy ends sad?
56:56I feel like a fucking Lizzo post or something.
57:07I remember my ex told me something.
57:09This is the last time I'll bring her up.
57:13One time she said, I can't expect the thing that's making me sick to make me better.
57:23And I said, what are you on your period or something?
57:34All right, let's cut it. Good night.
57:40Let's do it.
57:51Let's do it.
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