Taped at the iconic Apollo Theater, Wayans comedically explores grief after losing his parents. He reflects on his father's lessons, joining the "Dead Mama Club," changing aging parents' diapers--and who's the funniest Wayans.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #marlonwayans #marlonwayanscomedy #marlonwayansstandup #marlonwayansstandupcomedy
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #marlonwayans #marlonwayanscomedy #marlonwayansstandup #marlonwayansstandupcomedy
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FunTranscript
00:00:17Here baby boy is mama. Thank you for my beautiful flowers and the card. Hey baby boy, Fox is from
00:00:26calling the check on your moment. Hope you're feeling better. Don't play with this. It's a very
00:00:31serious flu out here. Hey baby boy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that gift. You've never
00:00:42missed the mother's day. I'm sorry. You're not going to be with me, but I realized you have to
00:00:47work. So I love, love, love you. Thank you so much for the gift. And also for the fact that
00:00:53you can
00:00:54love me the way I need to be loved. Love you. Thank you. Mama.
00:00:59Now we bring the same, so I'm telling you what is only Mr. Farley wins!
00:01:48Life is good. Life is fucking good.
00:01:57Life is good. Please enjoy every minute you can. Please. If I learn anything in my 51 years,
00:02:05please enjoy this ride called life. This shit is a really short ride. I want you to understand,
00:02:14don't put high expectations on people. People are going to disappoint you. So don't have high
00:02:23expectations of them. Just know this. Everyone is an asshole. Everyone is an asshole. You're an asshole.
00:02:38asshole. Your girl's an asshole. I'm an asshole. That's why I started this show three hours late. I'm a fucking
00:02:46dick. I just wanted to see how much you motherfuckers love me. Everyone's an asshole. Your kids.
00:03:06They look all cute to you, but they're fucking assholes. Ask their teachers. They're fucking assholes.
00:03:14Your parents are old assholes. But what you must do is you must forgive them. You have to trust that
00:03:23your parents did the best they could with what they had. And I say this from my heart. Keep your
00:03:30heart light.
00:03:31I just lost my dad five months ago. Yeah. But you know what? He was a good dude. You know,
00:03:38don't feel bad. You didn't kill him. Liquor did. But you know what? I had a great time with my
00:03:43father,
00:03:43man. Please have a great time with your parents. I had a great time. I have no fucking problems with
00:03:48my dad at all. No beefs. I got two little tiffs. You know what I mean? Nothing big. Nothing I
00:03:54would
00:03:55talk to my therapist about. You know, that's valuable time. I say that for talking about these bitches.
00:04:00You know what I'm saying? Two beefs with my dad. One is, you know, that nigga never wished me a
00:04:13happy
00:04:13birthday. Nah, but he's your witness. Them niggas are weird. Y'all grown? Oh, not those niggas.
00:04:24You know, it's funny. My dad was your witness. My mother was like, uh-uh, nigga. I'm Baptist. I like
00:04:30Christmas. My mama hated the religion so much that, nigga, there was days she didn't answer the
00:04:39door for this nigga. My daddy knocked. My mom creeped through the doorbells. Oh, shit, kids,
00:04:47get down. Where's that mama? It's your father. He got them fucking books and them people with
00:04:52them. Shh. Kenan, hit the lights. Damon, get your bald head over here. There's a glad, nigga.
00:05:01Come here. Marlon, Marlon, don't you open that door. Jehovah will witness me beating the shit
00:05:07out you, nigga. It's crazy. My father would never even say the phrase, happy birthday.
00:05:18Felt like if he said happy birthday, he would instantly go to hell. So he wouldn't say the
00:05:22phrase, and then called me on my birthday. He goes, hey, son, happy Wednesday.
00:05:31Happy Wednesday on the day I accidentally bust another nut inside your mama.
00:05:37It made you. And when I was little, you know what I'm saying? That shit used to hurt my feelings,
00:05:42man. You know what I mean? Your dad never wished you happy birthday. Me and my brother Sean,
00:05:46we'd be in our bedroom all mad, five and six years old, be pacing back and forth and shit.
00:05:55With them stupid birthday hats on. You know them party hats?
00:06:05And we'd be so mad, we'd call my mama in the room by her government name. We'd be like,
00:06:09Elvira, come here.
00:06:14Why you fuck this nigga?
00:06:21Yeah, how come he picked Jehovah Witness as a religion? And my mama, funniest woman you ever
00:06:28want to meet, straight out of Harlem, always kept it real. She said, old niggas do the math.
00:06:34That broke motherfucker got 10 kids and one job. He's trying to get out of buying Christmas and
00:06:41birthday gifts, assholes. Oh, shit. Nigga, that is a genius and diabolical plan.
00:06:54I think Nick Cannon should become Jehovah Witness.
00:07:02Other beef I had with my father is I feel like, I feel like, I think that nigga beat me
00:07:09too much.
00:07:12You know what I mean? Not saying I didn't deserve a large majority of those ass whopings.
00:07:16I probably deserve, you know, I would say 87.3% of those ass whopings.
00:07:24That other 12.7% that my daddy beat me for that I didn't deserve, that nigga had to pay
00:07:29for that. I waited. Wait till that nigga got good and old. He started shitting himself.
00:07:43Let him sit in that diaper just a little while longer. Not too long, just two, three days,
00:07:49you know. Nah, four is too long. That's just cruel, you know. I tried four and a turd like
00:07:57hardened on his ass and I had to chisel it all. Just chocolate chips all over the floor and I
00:08:04had
00:08:04to clean that shit up and the jokes was on me, so. But my point is, I changed my father's
00:08:13diaper.
00:08:14I changed my parents' diapers. Don't say you love your parents. And when they get old and they need you,
00:08:20you throw their ass in the old folks' home. Don't do that. They didn't throw you in the young folks'
00:08:26home.
00:08:27Take care of your parents. It is a fucking privilege and an honor.
00:08:37And parents, y'all be appreciative if your kids actually do that for you. Yeah, because my mama
00:08:47was funny. My mama expected that shit. She hit me with that, well, it's only right.
00:08:54I changed your diapers. Bitch. There is a difference between baby shit
00:09:06and 83-year-old black people shit. Let me tell you, baby shit is made from baby food.
00:09:16You ever buy baby food? You know what I mean? You know those carrots or those sweet potatoes,
00:09:19you know those orange motherfuckers? Come in that little garbage, y'all. You open the top.
00:09:23You feed it to the baby.
00:09:26Three hours later, baby taking shit.
00:09:31Look inside the diaper.
00:09:33It looked just like the sweet potatoes
00:09:36you fed that nigga three hours ago.
00:09:39You could actually take those sweet potatoes
00:09:41out the pamper
00:09:44and feed them right back to the baby.
00:09:50Yeah, it may have a twang.
00:09:51You know what I mean?
00:09:53It may have a little twang to it.
00:09:55So, you know, maybe add some sugar or
00:09:58you know, maple syrup, white people, agave, and stevia.
00:10:06But 83-year-old black people shit, nigga.
00:10:11They got pork, grits, cornbread, collard greens, turnip greens, fucking chitlins.
00:10:20Bitch, you got shit in shit?
00:10:27Like, if you got to change your parents' diapers, look away.
00:10:30Just change that motherfucker like a blind man.
00:10:32Just...
00:10:44And if you miss a spot, who cares?
00:10:46Ain't nobody going down there.
00:10:49Man, my mama used to always talk shit about my daddy dick.
00:10:55I thought she was hating.
00:10:56She was always talking about my father's dick.
00:10:57Yeah, your dick so ugly, I can only fuck it in the dark.
00:11:02Your dick so crooked, I can hang my coat on it.
00:11:07Your balls hang so low, they look like click clacks, nigga.
00:11:11I can play cabanga with them.
00:11:14And I thought my mother was hating.
00:11:16You know, because women, y'all do that shit.
00:11:17You talk about our dick, then you fuck it.
00:11:19That's what's crazy.
00:11:21My mother was talking shit about my daddy.
00:11:23I went to change my daddy diaper.
00:11:26And I opened that shit up.
00:11:29And y'all, these old balls just dropped out there.
00:11:33Oh, what the fuck about it?
00:11:35Oh!
00:11:38We was some long and droopy, like, I know how he would scratch those motherfuckers.
00:11:42He had to hacky sack them balls up and on to scratch them.
00:11:52And they had all these sparse white hairs on it, just gray-ass hairs, and it was wet.
00:11:57Why was the fucking hair wet?
00:11:58It looked like a mouse ran through a fire and a sprinklers came on.
00:12:04And my mama was in line.
00:12:05When she said that nigga dick was crooked, oh, shit, I ain't never seen no shit like this.
00:12:10It looked like it was hit by a car, like, because the shaft was bent this way, and the neck
00:12:16was turned this way.
00:12:17But the eye was looking over the shoulder like this here.
00:12:21It looked like something out of the music video Thriller, like, uh-uh.
00:12:28Like, the neck was fucked up.
00:12:30It looked like my dad's dick was in an action movie, like John Witt snapped the neck in my daddy's
00:12:36dick.
00:12:37That nigga dick was so crooked, he needed one of them corrective braces on it.
00:12:40Like, you know, them shits they give you when you had spine surgery and shit.
00:12:55And for a minute, I questioned whether he was my father, because we had different dicks.
00:13:01Like, no, because my mama, God bless her soul, she rounded my dad, I had a pretty dick.
00:13:08My mama, she made sure it was rounded off.
00:13:10I got that little, you know what I'm saying?
00:13:12She cut it right, you know what I'm saying?
00:13:13I got the fade.
00:13:14She faded my dick up.
00:13:16My daddy, nigga, he had all this extra skin.
00:13:19I was like, what the fuck is that?
00:13:21What is that?
00:13:23My father's Puerto Rican.
00:13:24What the fuck?
00:13:27And it wasn't just a little, it was a lot of skin.
00:13:30It was so much foreskin.
00:13:32I could have started a beef jerky company.
00:13:39But my point is, I changed my daddy's diaper.
00:13:46But man, changing my mama's diaper.
00:13:56That shit gave me anxiety.
00:13:58I'm not, you know what I'm saying?
00:14:00Like, I made a pact with God.
00:14:05I did.
00:14:06I said, Lord, strike me down.
00:14:10Strike me down or be kind enough to rip the eyes out of my head
00:14:16before I ever had to see an 83-year-old pussy.
00:14:22You know what I mean?
00:14:23Like, I've never been married because they say,
00:14:27till death do you part.
00:14:29But I got to be honest, at 70, bitch, I'm out.
00:14:32It's just, you know what I mean?
00:14:35Because it's just the thought of it.
00:14:36Like, you know, I just thought an 83-year-old vagina,
00:14:39like, that done seen some shit.
00:14:41You know what I mean?
00:14:4283 years of dick, that's a lot of dick haunting in that vagina.
00:14:48Like, it's like an old grizzle wall veteran.
00:14:50You know, it just seen some shit that's all grizzly and gray.
00:14:54You know, and it served several wars.
00:14:57It served in civil war.
00:14:58And it ripped down racist statues and freed the slaves.
00:15:01And then it did a long tour in Vietnam.
00:15:05And it served two tours in Iraq.
00:15:09And now that pussy's preparing for war with Russia and China.
00:15:12And you know what I mean?
00:15:13Ten kids.
00:15:14My mama, I thought them lips were going to be all stretched out
00:15:16like an old washing machine belt.
00:15:18And I thought it would be like a portal to a whole new universe.
00:15:21Like, I could jump in that bitch and be in the Spider-Man universe.
00:15:25I just see different versions of me.
00:15:27Little man me and me and white chicks.
00:15:31And then I see me and Mo Money and I'm doing this to me.
00:15:34You know, and I just thought the lips were going to be all big
00:15:39and stretched out from the ten kids.
00:15:41I thought them labios would be flapping in the wind.
00:15:45Just like the American flag flapping proudly on the 4th of July.
00:15:49Well, at the Super Bowl, I just start singing,
00:15:52Oh, say, can you see?
00:15:55And then the blue angels fly by.
00:15:58And then I kneel, me and Colin Kaepernick.
00:16:02And I just thought it was going to be swollen.
00:16:04Like, you know, the lips would look like Louis Armstrong
00:16:07when he played the sax.
00:16:08Like, bang, bang.
00:16:09Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
00:16:13The lips would be stretched out and the hair would be coming out.
00:16:16It would look like an old camel chewing straw.
00:16:25I thought my mom's vagina was going to look like Jay-Z
00:16:30when he's 92 years old.
00:16:36And so when I went to change your diaper,
00:16:39I opened the diaper up, shh, and I peeped.
00:16:43And I was like, oh, shit.
00:16:46Okay, Vi.
00:16:49What's your brand new baby pussy?
00:16:53Somebody been doing that Kegel.
00:16:57Shaw, come here.
00:16:58Come look at this shit.
00:17:01Who had 10 kids?
00:17:02Not out that pussy we did.
00:17:07That's a brand new pussy.
00:17:09It should have a price tag and a sensor on it.
00:17:12You can't steal that pussy from Macy's.
00:17:14Oh, no.
00:17:17That's a cool one.
00:17:43Yeah, I definitely feel like my parents beat me too much.
00:17:51And you're like, no, that's the way you talked about your mom's vagina.
00:17:54You stop judging me, unfold your arms.
00:17:58Yeah, man.
00:18:00I still feel like they beat me too much.
00:18:04But you know what's funny?
00:18:05You know, we always want to be victims in life, right?
00:18:07Everybody always wants to be a victim.
00:18:09Oh, I had it the hardest.
00:18:10You don't know my journey.
00:18:11I had it the hardest.
00:18:12Let me tell you something.
00:18:13No matter how hard you may have it in your lifetime,
00:18:17there's always somebody that had it worse.
00:18:22There's always somebody that had it worse.
00:18:24So I want you to be grateful for whatever God gave you in this journey.
00:18:28You were supposed to have it.
00:18:34And I know because there was niggas outside and in my household that had it worse.
00:18:39You know, I'm the baby.
00:18:40So I had it actually the easiest.
00:18:43You know why they had it worse?
00:18:45Because they had my parents when they were young.
00:18:48They had a lot of energy.
00:18:49When you young, you could spank for days.
00:18:51Just back, back, back.
00:18:52Nigga, you try to run.
00:18:53That nigga got legs.
00:18:54He run with you.
00:18:55The fuck?
00:18:55You want to jump up?
00:18:56I got you, nigga.
00:18:58You want to go down the stairs?
00:18:59Under the bed?
00:19:00You want to reach down?
00:19:06When you older, nigga, you just be like,
00:19:08all right, I'm...
00:19:10You go on.
00:19:11You know what I'm going to do to you when I catch you.
00:19:16My parents, when my brothers and sisters had them,
00:19:20they were poor.
00:19:22My parents was poor.
00:19:24My daddy didn't have no teeth.
00:19:25This nigga missing front teeth.
00:19:26He was angry.
00:19:28Ladies, don't date a nigga with a missing front tooth.
00:19:31If you're here with that nigga to light,
00:19:32we in Harlem, there's a lot of these niggas out here.
00:19:36That's the style in Harlem, nigga.
00:19:38You missing the front tooth.
00:19:39We're going to be like, ooh, he's sexy.
00:19:41Something about that front tooth missing.
00:19:42Make me moist inside.
00:19:45You better leave that nigga.
00:19:46Nigga missing his front tooth ain't going to...
00:19:48He going to beat you.
00:19:49He going to beat you.
00:19:51And he threaten you through that fucking missing tooth, too.
00:19:53He's like, bitch, say something.
00:19:57Say something.
00:19:59Then he smoke his Newport through that missing tooth.
00:20:06And if he got a missing tooth and an out of the belly button,
00:20:08oh, he beating you, the kids, and your parents.
00:20:14I had the easiest version of my parents, right?
00:20:18Because I had them after, you know, my parents was older.
00:20:23My brother's got money.
00:20:25My brother's got money.
00:20:26My brother Damon bought my father some teeth.
00:20:29This nigga would not stop smiling.
00:20:42This nigga...
00:20:44So my parents, they had disciplinarians.
00:20:47By the time I came along, man, I had old friends.
00:20:53My mother and my father, they was like my boys.
00:20:56You know what I mean?
00:20:56We had fun.
00:20:57You know what I'm saying?
00:20:58I used to fuck with my parents.
00:21:00I was just a...
00:21:00I was a troll.
00:21:01I used to do funny shit like have sex conversations with my parents.
00:21:05Especially because they were much older than me.
00:21:07So I used to see how square they were.
00:21:09So I used to ask my mom.
00:21:10I said, Mom, I said, hey.
00:21:11I said, when you and Dad, y'all do it, y'all be doing doggy style?
00:21:17Doggy style?
00:21:17My mother said, what, nigga?
00:21:20I said, you know, y'all do doggy style.
00:21:22Doggy style?
00:21:23I ain't no fucking animal.
00:21:24What you mean, doggy style?
00:21:26I mean, do you do it from the back?
00:21:28From the back?
00:21:29Man, this ain't no fucking prison movie.
00:21:33You gonna turn me over and plump me from the back like I'm in jail.
00:21:36No, nigga, you better look at me.
00:21:41I like to make love.
00:21:42You look at me, nigga.
00:21:44And you bet now I fucking blink.
00:21:48Not the entire two minutes you do it.
00:21:55I'd be like, so, Mom, so, I say, pop ever went down on you?
00:22:01My mother said, gone down where?
00:22:05I said, we'll go down to, you know, to eat the groceries.
00:22:08The groceries?
00:22:10It's starting to sound nasty again.
00:22:13My groceries in the kitchen where they belongs.
00:22:17You know, you ever go down and lick your, lick my cookie?
00:22:22I'll kill that nigga.
00:22:23He put his sour mouth on my bajayjay.
00:22:28That's nasty, especially all the shit that come out there once a month.
00:22:32Ah, you better not kiss me or my grandbabies ever again.
00:22:37I say, this shit was amusing to me.
00:22:42I'm like, so, Mom, so, you, you ever, you ever go down on him?
00:22:46My mom said, nigga going down where?
00:22:50I said, you never gone down and...
00:22:55Gone down and suck on that man's cling-clong?
00:23:01I'll kill that nigga.
00:23:03He put that sour piece of meat in my fucking mouth.
00:23:08What kind of dog is that?
00:23:09You gonna put that meat in my mouth?
00:23:11I'll bite that nigga's dick off and beat him upside his motherfucking head.
00:23:16I'll choke that nigga out.
00:23:18All that skin he got, I'll choke him.
00:23:23Now, you know I'm allergic to cheese.
00:23:35I had a beautiful time with them, man.
00:23:37I used to play with my parents.
00:23:39And my brothers and sisters couldn't understand it
00:23:41because the relationship that they had.
00:23:43I remember one time, my brother Kenan and Damon
00:23:46and all of them was home from California, right?
00:23:48And my dad, he was washing dishes
00:23:51and he had these sweatpants on,
00:23:53but they had the...
00:23:53The string was loose.
00:23:55So, you know, I came up behind him.
00:23:57I told my brother, shh, shh, shh.
00:23:58I came behind this nigga
00:23:59and I pulled his pants down.
00:24:03And that old sour dick popped out.
00:24:08And y'all, my brothers scattered
00:24:12like old slaves that didn't know they had their freedom.
00:24:16He was like, oh, Lord, don't you beat him, Peppy.
00:24:19Lord, don't you beat him.
00:24:20He don't know no good, Peppy.
00:24:22He don't know no good.
00:24:23He don't know no good.
00:24:28And my dad, he pulled his pants up.
00:24:31He looked at me.
00:24:33He said,
00:24:35that was a good one, son.
00:24:38I'll get you next time, nigga.
00:24:42And my older siblings didn't understand what they saw.
00:24:47They had no idea
00:24:49that inside of these disciplinarians
00:24:51that was my parents
00:24:52lived
00:24:55this little silly boy
00:24:57and this little silly girl.
00:25:00And with your parents,
00:25:01please, experience all of them.
00:25:03Not just the mask
00:25:04that they have to wear to raise you,
00:25:06but make them your friends.
00:25:08It's the most important thing
00:25:10you can do for your journey.
00:25:11Make your parents your friends.
00:25:14My father taught me
00:25:15the shorthand of what a man was.
00:25:17I remember when I was a little boy,
00:25:18me and my brother Sean,
00:25:19we asked my dad,
00:25:19we said, Dad,
00:25:21what'd you want to be when you grew up?
00:25:23My father looked at me
00:25:24and said, I wanted to be a man.
00:25:33I looked at Sean like,
00:25:34somebody need help this nigga with his dreams.
00:25:39You got some pretty basic aspirations
00:25:41if you ask me.
00:25:44And you know, I'm a kid.
00:25:45I'm like, okay,
00:25:46what kind of man?
00:25:47You want to be a policeman?
00:25:51You want to be a fireman?
00:25:53You want to be a Batman?
00:25:55A Spider-Man?
00:25:55A Superman?
00:25:57My dad said, no, son.
00:25:58I just want to be a man.
00:26:01I said, but Dad,
00:26:03every boy grows up to be a man.
00:26:05He said, no, son.
00:26:08There's a lot of little boys
00:26:09with mustaches out there.
00:26:13I said, then, Dad, what's a man?
00:26:15He said, a man,
00:26:17he takes care of himself
00:26:19and he takes care of his responsibilities.
00:26:21A man protects and provides.
00:26:25A man puts his woman
00:26:27and his children
00:26:29before himself.
00:26:30They are first.
00:26:32A man is the first one up.
00:26:34He's the first one to work.
00:26:36He's the last one home,
00:26:37and damn it,
00:26:38he's the last one to eat.
00:26:40That's a man.
00:26:48And my father told me this.
00:26:51He only had six teeth in his mouth.
00:26:56I swear to you,
00:26:58it would take this nigga
00:26:59about three years
00:27:00to eat a bag of sunflower seeds.
00:27:05He's just trying to find
00:27:06the right tooth combination
00:27:07to crack them bitches on there.
00:27:16And y'all are like, why?
00:27:18What the fuck?
00:27:18Why did Mr. Wayans
00:27:21have six teeth in his mouth?
00:27:25Well, either my father
00:27:26went to the dentist
00:27:27and he fixed his smile,
00:27:30or he prioritized
00:27:33what I call sacrifice
00:27:36and he fed his woman
00:27:37and his children
00:27:39and his grandchildren
00:27:41three square meals a day.
00:27:50My father, Howell Wayans,
00:27:52was a man.
00:28:01And ever since that day,
00:28:03I too wanted to be a man.
00:28:05Just a really rich man
00:28:06because I be goddamn
00:28:08if I have a snaggly-ass
00:28:10tooth smile like this nigga.
00:28:12My mother used to call him
00:28:14a black-o-lantern.
00:28:18We ask her for money
00:28:19for a pumpkin on Halloween.
00:28:20Mama, we have money for a pumpkin?
00:28:22You don't need no fucking pumpkin.
00:28:23Put a candle in your father's mouth
00:28:25and sit that nigga on the porch.
00:28:32Enjoy your life.
00:28:34Enjoy your parents.
00:28:35Enjoy your loved ones.
00:28:37As long as you can live and breathe,
00:28:39please do the best you can
00:28:41to get as much
00:28:42out of life as you can.
00:28:49Because I'm going to keep it real.
00:28:51I can give you my wisdom at 50.
00:28:53Let me tell y'all something.
00:28:54This shit called life,
00:28:55it gets dark.
00:28:58And anybody in here
00:28:59who's older than 50
00:29:00know what the fuck
00:29:01I'm talking about.
00:29:03Let me tell you something.
00:29:04I lost 57 people
00:29:06that I loved
00:29:08in the last three years.
00:29:10But I still say God is good.
00:29:13God is good.
00:29:17Because I look at the bright side.
00:29:20No matter how dark shit is,
00:29:22there's always a bright side.
00:29:24Right?
00:29:24I lost 57 people I love
00:29:26and I'm grateful.
00:29:27You know why?
00:29:27Because one of those niggas
00:29:29could have been me
00:29:29and I'm really happy
00:29:34that God picked those
00:29:35other niggas instead.
00:29:36You know?
00:29:39I don't question Jehovah.
00:29:43The Lord knows
00:29:44what he's doing.
00:29:47And y'all got to think about this.
00:29:49There's a new celebrity
00:29:50dying every other day.
00:29:53Like, yo,
00:29:54these are my peers.
00:29:55And I'm like,
00:29:57wow!
00:29:59God is making
00:30:00some really solid choices.
00:30:12I mean, real talk.
00:30:13Like, let's think about this.
00:30:14Like, me?
00:30:23Or Coolio.
00:30:24It was Coolio's time, nigga.
00:30:28Bye, Coolio.
00:30:29It was his time, nigga.
00:30:31That nigga looked dead
00:30:32when he was alive.
00:30:33Come on, y'all.
00:30:36He only had two braids left.
00:30:38It was his time.
00:30:42Honestly, I thought crack
00:30:43killed that nigga in the 80s.
00:30:45Him and Flavor Flav.
00:30:48Is Flavor Flav still alive?
00:30:51Well, that nigga looked dead
00:30:52last time I seen him.
00:30:57Flav one of them niggas
00:30:58that you thought Ben did.
00:31:01When he die,
00:31:02ain't gonna be no
00:31:02hashtag gone too soon.
00:31:08So it'll be hashtag,
00:31:09mmm,
00:31:10about time, nigga,
00:31:11about time.
00:31:15No, but you know,
00:31:16like, the whole theory,
00:31:17like, why him?
00:31:18Um, I feel like
00:31:20sometimes I wish I could
00:31:21replace one death
00:31:22with another death.
00:31:23You know what I mean?
00:31:24It was like,
00:31:25I started thinking,
00:31:26why him
00:31:27when Kobe died?
00:31:30And when Kobe died,
00:31:31it fucked me up.
00:31:33That really hurt, man.
00:31:34And I was like,
00:31:34come on, God.
00:31:36Right?
00:31:38Like,
00:31:39don't take the greatest Laker.
00:31:43Take Derrick Fisher.
00:31:46Oh, he's out here
00:31:47fucking on people's wives.
00:31:48It's adultery.
00:31:49It's a goddamn sin.
00:31:50Don't you awe me niggas.
00:31:52Your wife may be next.
00:31:54You may have a thing
00:31:54for short niggas
00:31:55with three-point shots.
00:31:58I can't believe
00:31:58y'all niggas
00:31:59awed me on that shit.
00:32:01Ooh, y'all sensitive
00:32:02out here in Harlem.
00:32:03Ooh, y'all got
00:32:04gentrified on me, niggas?
00:32:10Ever since they put
00:32:11a Starbucks on 125th,
00:32:13you niggas done changed.
00:32:24Yeah, y'all really
00:32:25ain't gonna like
00:32:25this next one,
00:32:26so I'm just gonna...
00:32:27I'm gonna sit in my water
00:32:28while you niggas
00:32:29complain and ooh.
00:32:31You know,
00:32:32don't take Kobe.
00:32:34Take Shaq.
00:32:42Yeah, I know,
00:32:43I know,
00:32:44I know.
00:32:46I know,
00:32:47I know.
00:32:47I love the big fella, too.
00:32:51I love the big fella, too,
00:32:52but y'all in denial,
00:32:53that nigga ain't got
00:32:54long to live.
00:32:55Come on.
00:32:56He ain't got long to live.
00:32:58That nigga has at least
00:32:59three or four diseases
00:33:00killing black men
00:33:01in their early 50s.
00:33:03Hypertension,
00:33:04diabetes,
00:33:06swollen prostate,
00:33:07the sugars.
00:33:11You give that nigga
00:33:12the sugars,
00:33:12I don't know what
00:33:13the fuck the sugars
00:33:13look like.
00:33:14I got three uncles
00:33:14with the sugars.
00:33:20Y'all better give him
00:33:20his flowers.
00:33:21Tweet that nigga
00:33:21after this show.
00:33:22Hit him on threads.
00:33:24I hug him real hard.
00:33:26Every time I see Shaq,
00:33:27I just grab him
00:33:27by his ankle.
00:33:28Come here,
00:33:28big fella.
00:33:31I don't care
00:33:32how big his heart is,
00:33:33it is not big enough
00:33:34to pump blood
00:33:35through all that nigga.
00:33:37Dinosaurs don't live long,
00:33:39people.
00:33:40Look at his eye.
00:33:41When Shaq wake up,
00:33:42then he got a loose eye.
00:33:44All of a sudden,
00:33:45you wake up at 50 years old,
00:33:47nigga,
00:33:47and your eye is loose.
00:33:48You probably born
00:33:49with this shit, nigga.
00:33:50You wake up at 50
00:33:51and your eye is loose,
00:33:52you better call a physician.
00:33:55His tongue is heavy.
00:33:56I haven't understood
00:33:57a word Shaq said
00:33:58in the last five years.
00:34:01He just be mumbling.
00:34:02Watch TNT.
00:34:02This nigga just be mumbling
00:34:03with his raspy voice.
00:34:05Every now and then,
00:34:05you get the clear name
00:34:06of a player
00:34:07or the clear name
00:34:08of a sponsor.
00:34:09But other than that,
00:34:10you don't know
00:34:10what the fuck
00:34:10the nigga's talking about.
00:34:12He be on that show
00:34:13talking about,
00:34:13I want you shit.
00:34:41Neutragenics.
00:34:46Papa, John's, Peter, Big Tuner.
00:34:52Nigga closed caption and be like,
00:34:54I don't know what the fuck this nigga said.
00:35:01I can't believe you niggas awed me on Shaq.
00:35:04Oh, man.
00:35:06I had a darker joke, I'm not gonna tell you.
00:35:12All right, fuck it, nigga.
00:35:13I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck.
00:35:19All right, so the whole why him theory, right?
00:35:24Like with death, if you could pick this person
00:35:26versus that person, this whole why him theory,
00:35:29it started for me when Kobe died.
00:35:31When Kobe died, like I said, I was fucked up
00:35:35because I knew Kobe, you know what I mean?
00:35:36Kobe was a friend.
00:35:38When he died, I was like, come on, God,
00:35:40don't take Kobe.
00:35:44Take Magic, he has AIDS.
00:35:55He got AIDS.
00:35:57Why take healthy Kobe when Magic got AIDS?
00:36:01You want a Laker?
00:36:02Take the nigga with AIDS.
00:36:05I know, listen, I cried in 1984.
00:36:08This nigga should have been dead by 85.
00:36:122023, Magic Johnson is still the fuck alive.
00:36:16And dare I say well, with AIDS,
00:36:19and Kobe's dead?
00:36:21Come on, man.
00:36:22Put Magic's sick ass in a helicopter
00:36:24and crash that shit to a side of a mountain.
00:36:30How long is Magic Johnson gonna live with AIDS?
00:36:34Can we talk about it?
00:36:35What the fuck kind of AIDS is this?
00:36:38This nigga had AIDS for 50 years.
00:36:43I know niggas with herpes that died in 12.
00:36:45Why is this nigga still alive?
00:36:5050 years of AIDS.
00:36:52What the fuck kind of AIDS is this?
00:36:55Magic has had AIDS longer
00:36:57than that nigga has not had AIDS.
00:37:01And this nigga just skipping through life.
00:37:02Somebody tell Magic he got AIDS.
00:37:05He's just skipping through life.
00:37:06Oh, I had me this shit with AIDS.
00:37:09Nigga, if you don't sit your ass in the house,
00:37:12he's still happily married.
00:37:14Happily married to Cookie.
00:37:15Happily married with AIDS.
00:37:17Bitch, if you don't leave this nigga already,
00:37:21he got AIDS.
00:37:22It's irreconcilable differences, boo.
00:37:26And she all in pictures,
00:37:27cuddled up and shit.
00:37:29And he needs to know he's still fucking her raw.
00:37:31She ain't got this shit.
00:37:33He got this gay ass son.
00:37:34That's double AIDS.
00:37:35He ain't got this shit.
00:37:46Oh, come on.
00:37:47Don't act like Magic's son ain't a bad ass bitch.
00:37:53Nigga, that nigga's thick with two C's.
00:37:56Nigga, he caught me.
00:37:57I did a double take.
00:37:58Nigga, I had some Daisy Dukes on it.
00:37:59I said, oh, that bitch.
00:38:00Oh, that's a nigga.
00:38:01Fuck.
00:38:03Nigga.
00:38:04Nigga.
00:38:05Nigga.
00:38:06Nigga.
00:38:07I'm sorry.
00:38:08What kind of AIDS you get
00:38:09when you get more rich and more handsome?
00:38:12Magic Johnson has never been more successful
00:38:14than he is right now with AIDS.
00:38:17What the fuck?
00:38:17He owns part of the Lakers,
00:38:19part of the Dodgers.
00:38:20The man just bought a football team.
00:38:22He's in Forbes as a billionaire.
00:38:25All this with AIDS.
00:38:26What kind of AIDS is this?
00:38:28Financial AIDS?
00:38:29Financial AIDS.
00:38:30Financial AIDS.
00:38:37I want those AIDS.
00:38:40I want those AIDS.
00:38:41Sign me the fuck up.
00:38:43Yeah, I want them Freddie Mercury's
00:38:45or them Easy E's.
00:38:46You keep them skinny, nigga AIDS.
00:38:49But them Magic Johnson rich, nigga AIDS,
00:38:52you show me the monkey he fucked.
00:38:54I got next.
00:39:01You know, I know what I've been saying
00:39:03is a little dark, right?
00:39:05My human has gotten darker
00:39:07because my life has gotten darker.
00:39:09Everything was all fun and games.
00:39:11And then I've been dodging depression
00:39:14for the last three years.
00:39:16I lost my mama three years ago.
00:39:19Let me tell y'all something.
00:39:21Ain't no pain.
00:39:22Ain't nothing like losing your mama.
00:39:25Like, I'm serious.
00:39:26I love my daddy.
00:39:28But if I had to choose,
00:39:30mm.
00:39:33Bye, Howl.
00:39:36Bye, nigga.
00:39:37Happy Wednesday, Howl.
00:39:39Happy fucking Wednesday.
00:39:42Give my love to Coolio, Howl.
00:39:47Ain't nothing like losing your mama, man.
00:39:49I'm telling you right now,
00:39:50life gets real when you lose your mama.
00:39:52And if anybody in here lost their mama,
00:39:54my condolences.
00:39:56My condolences.
00:39:57I don't care if it was last week,
00:39:58two weeks ago,
00:40:00three months ago,
00:40:01last year,
00:40:02five years ago,
00:40:0425 years ago.
00:40:05It doesn't matter.
00:40:07That is a pain that never goes away.
00:40:10So to all you people that lost your mama,
00:40:12that we are a part of an elite group,
00:40:14we are a motherfucking gang,
00:40:16the dead mama gang.
00:40:17Gang, gang.
00:40:18Gang, gang.
00:40:19Gang, gang.
00:40:20Gang, gang.
00:40:21Gang, gang.
00:40:23You still got your mama?
00:40:24Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga.
00:40:27Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy, nigga.
00:40:30Oh, bitch-ass nigga got his mommy.
00:40:34You be having Mother's Day brunches, nigga.
00:40:38Oh, you be breastfeeding still,
00:40:41getting milk in your beer, nigga.
00:40:46I ain't shit.
00:40:47I set that nigga up.
00:40:48I'm sorry.
00:40:50I'm just jealous.
00:40:51You do me a favor.
00:40:52You be good to her.
00:40:53Amen.
00:40:54You be good to her.
00:40:55As long as you got her,
00:40:56you be good to her.
00:40:58Woo!
00:40:58Woo!
00:40:59Woo!
00:41:02Woo!
00:41:02Woo!
00:41:02And if it wasn't for my mama,
00:41:03I would've never had Christmas.
00:41:06Yeah, you know why?
00:41:07This nigga, Howell,
00:41:10the Grinch that stole witness,
00:41:14this man didn't believe in fucking birthdays or Christmas.
00:41:18What kind of evil cult are you a part of, nigga?
00:41:23Every Christmas, my father wouldn't participate.
00:41:26This nigga would lock the door to his bedroom.
00:41:30Lock my mama and all the kids outside of his room.
00:41:34And my mama, she's the sweetest woman you ever wanted to meet.
00:41:37Very articulate, well-spoken, college-educated.
00:41:41But man, when she was mad,
00:41:44the shit that she would say,
00:41:45the curse words that would come out this woman's mouth,
00:41:48we used to call her Richard Pryor with titties.
00:41:50The shit.
00:41:52She was funny.
00:41:53It didn't even make no sense sometimes.
00:41:55Open the door, you pussy bitch!
00:41:58A pussy bitch?
00:41:59Sean, can you be both a pussy and a bitch?
00:42:02I guess so.
00:42:03I know you hear me in there, you nipple-dick nigga.
00:42:07A nipple-dick nigga?
00:42:10How small is father's dick that mother
00:42:13would compare it to a nipple?
00:42:16I know you hear me in there, faggot balls.
00:42:21Faggot balls?
00:42:24Every Christmas,
00:42:26my father would lock his door,
00:42:28and my mother, what I love about my mother,
00:42:30let me tell you something about women.
00:42:32Men, we make the rules,
00:42:33but when women break your rules,
00:42:35it's because they know what their kids need.
00:42:37My mother knew her children.
00:42:39My father knew we needed God,
00:42:41and we did,
00:42:43but my mama knew we needed love.
00:42:45So she thwarted the greatest authority in my household,
00:42:48which was my father,
00:42:49and she was fought for us,
00:42:50like, nah nigga,
00:42:51we still gonna celebrate
00:42:52your ho-ho-ho.
00:42:55Come on, kids.
00:42:57And my mama go get that Charlie Brown Christmas tree.
00:43:01We were so poor,
00:43:02we didn't have a stand for the tree,
00:43:03so she just linked that shit on the wall like a junkie.
00:43:07And I don't know where she got the money.
00:43:09You know what I mean?
00:43:10Like, I don't know if she was slinging dope
00:43:11or slinging ass.
00:43:14But it's magical the way the mothers find the money
00:43:17to get their kids gifts.
00:43:18My mother always found money to get us gifts.
00:43:24And she get one gift per kid.
00:43:27There'd be 218 gifts
00:43:29underneath the one street.
00:43:32Only Nick Cannon Street would have more gifts.
00:43:36And my dad would have his door locked.
00:43:38And my mama,
00:43:38straight out of New York,
00:43:40she was a fucking troll.
00:43:41She was a troll.
00:43:42My mama had this theory.
00:43:44She said,
00:43:45she always had the last laugh.
00:43:47My dad think he having a nice quiet evening off.
00:43:50My mother go,
00:43:51come on, babies.
00:43:52Where we going, mama?
00:43:53Oh, we going.
00:43:54Christmas caroling.
00:43:55Come on.
00:43:56And she would line us up,
00:43:57all 10 of us,
00:43:59right outside that nigga's locked door.
00:44:02Like a gospel choir.
00:44:04We went from the Wayans family
00:44:06to the Winans family.
00:44:08She pulled out a little harmony whistle.
00:44:13Then she'd make us sing
00:44:14real loud Christmas carols
00:44:16right to that nigga's door.
00:44:18La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
00:44:22The niggas, la, la, la, la.
00:44:25Hit the high notes, y'all.
00:44:29And the woman was funny.
00:44:32This woman was hilarious.
00:44:34She used to rewrite the Christmas carols.
00:44:37My mother used to rewrite the Christmas carols.
00:44:39And the first half be dedicated to Christmas joy.
00:44:41Oh, it'd be so sweet.
00:44:42And the other half be dedicated to my father.
00:44:44It'd be like,
00:44:45fuck you, nigga. She'd be like, on the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
00:44:54nothing, because he's a broke-ass, cheap, Jehovah Witness-ass nigga with a little nipple-dick
00:44:59and faggoty balls. Here's another Jehovah Witness Christmas cow. You ready, kids?
00:45:18We wish you were happy Wednesday. We wish you were happy Wednesday. We wish you were happy Wednesday.
00:45:26Because your daddy ain't shit.
00:45:34People ask, what made your family so successful? My father, his presence in our life,
00:45:43his introduction to God, his commitment to Jehovah. But the secret ingredient was my mother's love.
00:45:53Those fucking Christmases, man, they made us feel special. When we opened those gifts,
00:45:58those wasn't gifts we was opening. Those were little boxes of hope.
00:46:11And when you opened those gifts, and I knew it was my mother that gave us those gifts.
00:46:16I knew it. Because women, y'all funny. Y'all don't let Santa Claus take the credit for your gifts.
00:46:24Y'all would cross that nigga name off every fucking name tag.
00:46:27Like, from Santa, my black-ass shit. Not after I worked two shifts at Walmart.
00:46:34Love, mama.
00:46:37And my mother was smart to do that.
00:46:39Because you know what? One day, when we made money,
00:46:42every Christmas, we hooked my mama up.
00:46:45We bought my mama a house.
00:46:46We bought my mama a car.
00:46:48We bought my mother clothes.
00:46:50We bought my mother furs.
00:46:52We bought my mother fucking jewelry.
00:46:55We bought my mother furniture.
00:46:57Yes, furniture.
00:46:59With all the plastic slipcovers a black woman from Harlem could ever dream of.
00:47:09And my daddy,
00:47:12we didn't get that nigga shit.
00:47:16Nah, because Christmas time,
00:47:18we make some money.
00:47:19All of a sudden, Christmas time,
00:47:22this nigga's door is wide open.
00:47:26And he's sitting there with them begging ass eyes.
00:47:28You know, them poverty eyes.
00:47:31Them feel sorry for me, nigga eyes.
00:47:36You look at that nigga right in his face and go,
00:47:38Hey, happy Wednesday, nigga.
00:47:40Happy Wednesday, nigga.
00:47:43My parents was different.
00:47:45They lived different.
00:47:46They died different.
00:47:48My father wanted to die.
00:47:50He wanted to die.
00:47:52He gave up on life.
00:47:54And here's what happened.
00:47:55My mother preceded my father in death.
00:47:59My dad came to the funeral.
00:48:02He'd seen the woman he loved
00:48:05since he was 13 years old.
00:48:07The woman he fell in love with
00:48:09right here in Harlem
00:48:11in a casket.
00:48:14When my father saw my mother,
00:48:16he turned white.
00:48:18And this nigga just threw up.
00:48:22Like not once.
00:48:23Several times.
00:48:29And at a point,
00:48:30it got real funny to us, Wayne.
00:48:32Just, you know.
00:48:35My brother Damon was like,
00:48:36Look at his back.
00:48:37Look at his back.
00:48:42Look at his back.
00:48:43He looks like a ghetto question mark.
00:48:51And after that,
00:48:52we begged my father to stay in L.A.
00:48:53and let us take care of him.
00:48:54My father was like,
00:48:56No.
00:48:56I've got to go.
00:48:57I've got to go.
00:48:58He came back to New York.
00:48:59My father locked himself in the house.
00:49:02And he sat there in a chair.
00:49:04He stopped going out.
00:49:06My father stopped doing his ministry.
00:49:09Let me tell y'all something
00:49:10about Jehovah's Witnesses.
00:49:12They live to get those doors
00:49:14slammed in their face.
00:49:17It makes them powerful.
00:49:19Ah, ha, ha, ha, another one.
00:49:23He stopped doing his ministry.
00:49:25He sat in his chair
00:49:26watching New York 1,
00:49:27the 24-minute loop.
00:49:29He just watched that shit
00:49:30over and over.
00:49:31He had two bottles of vodka,
00:49:33a bottle of wine he would drink,
00:49:34and he sat there
00:49:35until his body deconditioned.
00:49:38And my dad was sitting in his chair
00:49:39and he'd just go,
00:49:41I miss my gal.
00:49:43I miss my gal.
00:49:46I miss her odor.
00:49:51Oh, I said, we don't odor.
00:49:55Fuck you mean her odor, nigga?
00:49:57You mean the smell of old wigs
00:49:59and fish sticks?
00:50:01But what my father meant was
00:50:03her odor, he meant her pheromones.
00:50:06When you love somebody,
00:50:07it could be stink as fuck
00:50:09to everybody in here.
00:50:10What the fuck is that smell?
00:50:13But to that one person
00:50:15that love you,
00:50:16she's like,
00:50:16that's my little stinky boot.
00:50:22He missed this person.
00:50:24My father sat in his chair
00:50:25and he drank himself to death.
00:50:27Literally.
00:50:28We watched him suffer
00:50:30for three years
00:50:32until finally he passed.
00:50:34And when he passed,
00:50:36we buried him right next to my mama
00:50:38so she could curse that nigga out
00:50:39for the rest of eternity.
00:50:42And we was at the funeral
00:50:44and all of us Waynes
00:50:44was thinking like,
00:50:45damn.
00:50:46After watching my father
00:50:48suffer like that,
00:50:48we was like,
00:50:49fuck.
00:50:52My mama must have had
00:50:54some spectacular pussy
00:50:55because
00:50:58this nigga chased that pussy
00:50:59to the grave.
00:51:02I saw it.
00:51:03It was tight.
00:51:03I see what he's doing.
00:51:04You know what I mean?
00:51:10My mother was different.
00:51:12My mother loved life.
00:51:15Nobody loved life
00:51:16as much as a Waynes loved life.
00:51:17This woman,
00:51:18she would talk
00:51:19your fucking ear off.
00:51:20This woman loved life.
00:51:22She fought death.
00:51:23Literally.
00:51:24What did my mother die of?
00:51:25She died of everything.
00:51:27It took everything
00:51:28to kill this woman.
00:51:29She wasn't going down.
00:51:31I remember,
00:51:31I was at my mother's deathbed
00:51:33and I watched this woman
00:51:34fight death.
00:51:35She was fighting death.
00:51:36Mm-mm, death.
00:51:38Mm-mm,
00:51:39fuck off me.
00:51:41Mm-mm,
00:51:42mm-mm,
00:51:44leave me alone.
00:51:45Go get faggot balls first.
00:51:50And I remember,
00:51:52because I remember
00:51:52the exact day
00:51:54and I remember
00:51:55the exact time.
00:51:56I went to the hospital.
00:51:58It was Saturday,
00:52:02June 19th
00:52:05of 2020
00:52:07and it was 11.56 p.m.
00:52:10And I seen my mother
00:52:11fighting death.
00:52:11And I thought my mother
00:52:12was fighting death
00:52:13because she just wanted
00:52:14to see her baby
00:52:14one last time.
00:52:16Later on,
00:52:17I found out
00:52:17that wasn't it.
00:52:18This woman was
00:52:19a fucking troll
00:52:19all the way down
00:52:20to the end.
00:52:21But I'll tell you,
00:52:23I'll tell you later.
00:52:24My mother's fighting death
00:52:25and if you ever
00:52:26see somebody
00:52:27like your mama
00:52:27in that kind of pain,
00:52:29it is selfish
00:52:30of you
00:52:31to try to keep them here.
00:52:32This body,
00:52:33we are all in
00:52:34when one day
00:52:35it expires.
00:52:36And when God
00:52:36calls you home,
00:52:38let that soul go
00:52:39because the reality
00:52:40is for you
00:52:41to stay in that body
00:52:42is painful.
00:52:43And you as the loved one,
00:52:45you have to learn
00:52:46to let go.
00:52:48Make them feel comfortable
00:52:50and okay to leave.
00:52:53So I came to the hospital,
00:52:54my mama fighting death,
00:52:55mm-mm.
00:52:55I said,
00:52:56mama, stop it.
00:52:57Stop fighting.
00:52:58And I smacked on her ass.
00:53:00I did.
00:53:01And she had
00:53:01one of them hospital gowns,
00:53:03you know,
00:53:03hospital gowns
00:53:04with your ass crack out.
00:53:07Highlight them VIP seats.
00:53:14And my mother was fighting.
00:53:15I said,
00:53:15mama,
00:53:15I said,
00:53:16girl,
00:53:16you did it.
00:53:17You did the damn thing.
00:53:2083 years, mama.
00:53:2383 years.
00:53:27And woman,
00:53:28you had diabetes
00:53:28since you was 33.
00:53:31Mama,
00:53:32that is 50 years
00:53:33of diabetes.
00:53:34I said,
00:53:34woman,
00:53:35you are the magic Johnson
00:53:39of diabetes.
00:53:44I said,
00:53:45mama,
00:53:45let's run the numbers.
00:53:47You a goat.
00:53:48Mama,
00:53:48you a legend.
00:53:49I said,
00:53:49you had 10 kids?
00:53:50You got 10,833 grandchildren?
00:53:54You made five millionaires?
00:53:58You made five millionaires.
00:54:04Six,
00:54:05if I could just get my shit together.
00:54:10I said,
00:54:10you made five comedic legends?
00:54:13You made five legends?
00:54:18Six,
00:54:19if I could just,
00:54:21if I don't get canceled for this magic Johnson age joke,
00:54:24I keep saying.
00:54:27I said,
00:54:28mama,
00:54:28you did all this
00:54:29and you only made one crackhead.
00:54:32I said,
00:54:33woman,
00:54:33your crackhead to millionaire ratio
00:54:35is unparalleled
00:54:36for a black woman in America.
00:54:39I said,
00:54:40mama,
00:54:40you are a goat.
00:54:41You are the goat of all mothers.
00:54:43You are the goat of all vagina.
00:54:45Then I got carried away.
00:54:47I said,
00:54:47mama,
00:54:48ain't no pussy fucking with your pussy,
00:54:50mama.
00:54:55And y'all like,
00:54:57did y'all really say that shit to your,
00:54:58did you say that to your mama
00:55:01at her deathbed?
00:55:03You damn fucking right I did.
00:55:07Let me tell you why.
00:55:10I'm going to gift y'all something
00:55:11that my mama gifted me with.
00:55:14My mama told me,
00:55:15I was a little boy,
00:55:16she said,
00:55:16baby boy,
00:55:18you learn to laugh
00:55:20in your worst moments
00:55:22and you're going to smile
00:55:24the rest of your days.
00:55:29Losing my mother
00:55:30was my worst moment.
00:55:59I love y'all too.
00:56:04Losing my mama
00:56:05was my worst moment.
00:56:06And in my moment,
00:56:08I honor my mother
00:56:10who what she taught me.
00:56:14Because I want her to know that
00:56:28I let her know
00:56:29I was broken
00:56:29but I was going to be okay.
00:56:32I let her know that
00:56:33I will smile again
00:56:35and it's okay for you to go.
00:56:38That's why I cracked that joke
00:56:40because she laughed
00:56:41and I talked to her
00:56:42in Wayne's language
00:56:43and she knew what the fuck I meant.
00:56:49And so she stopped fighting
00:56:51and she allowed herself to go
00:56:53and she started to transition
00:56:56and as she transitioned,
00:56:58I seen her,
00:56:59the doctor,
00:56:59started turning up
00:57:00that morphine, right?
00:57:02And she started scratching
00:57:03and shit.
00:57:12I said,
00:57:13is it good, mama?
00:57:14She said,
00:57:15yeah, daddy is
00:57:16this good
00:57:17than a motherfucker, baby.
00:57:20Tell the doctor
00:57:21turn that shit up.
00:57:23Give me some more,
00:57:24please, man.
00:57:26I got these cheeseburgers.
00:57:35Call your mama every day.
00:57:38Call your mama every day.
00:57:41Every fucking day you can.
00:57:43If she's here,
00:57:44you call her.
00:57:45You ain't got to call
00:57:46your daddy every day.
00:57:49No, call that nigga
00:57:50once a month.
00:57:50He good.
00:57:52If you call your daddy
00:57:53more than once a month,
00:57:55he gonna be like,
00:57:55yeah, I'm fine, nigga.
00:57:56Call your mama.
00:57:59You ain't got,
00:58:00I learned,
00:58:00you ain't got to talk
00:58:01the whole fucking time.
00:58:02You ain't got to talk
00:58:03the whole time.
00:58:04Just put the phone down.
00:58:06Every seven minutes,
00:58:07just come back to the phone
00:58:08and say this shit.
00:58:09Be like,
00:58:10uh-huh.
00:58:14Yeah, I know
00:58:15that bitch ain't shit, mama.
00:58:20Call your mama.
00:58:21Let me tell you something.
00:58:23Call her every day
00:58:24because if you don't,
00:58:26the scariest moment
00:58:27of your life
00:58:28is gonna be the day
00:58:29you go to call your mama.
00:58:32She ain't on the other line.
00:58:35So call your mama
00:58:38because when she's gone,
00:58:39at least you'll have
00:58:40that voice in your head.
00:58:41I call my mama so much,
00:58:43I hear her more now
00:58:44in her death
00:58:45than I ever heard her
00:58:46when she was alive.
00:58:47This bitch won't leave me
00:58:49to fuck alone.
00:58:52My mama's everywhere.
00:58:53She's right there.
00:58:54She don't like sitting
00:58:54next to people.
00:58:55Uh-uh,
00:58:55save me two seats.
00:58:58My mama's omnipresent.
00:58:59I hear her everywhere.
00:59:01I'll be in the worst
00:59:02situations, y'all.
00:59:03And I hear my mama like,
00:59:04mm-mm, son.
00:59:05Don't put your dick in there.
00:59:23Why?
00:59:23Why do I hear my mama so much?
00:59:25Because I called her.
00:59:26Call your mama.
00:59:27My mother,
00:59:28I call my mama so much,
00:59:29she loved two things.
00:59:30My mother loved her kids
00:59:31and she loved the telephone.
00:59:33I don't know which one
00:59:34she loved more.
00:59:35My mother didn't have
00:59:36an iPhone.
00:59:37She's like,
00:59:37I don't play with that
00:59:38fucking radiation.
00:59:40So my mother had
00:59:41a rotary phone
00:59:42with a long-ass wire.
00:59:44Wire longer than
00:59:45my daddy's balls.
00:59:46Just miles long.
00:59:48And my mother's finger
00:59:49was stuck like this.
00:59:51Literally stuck like this
00:59:52because she had
00:59:53carpal tunnel.
00:59:54Because all she'd do
00:59:55is sit by the phone
00:59:55and call each kid.
01:00:01Call each nigga
01:00:02back to back to back
01:00:04to back to back
01:00:04to back to back to back.
01:00:05And then she'd tell you
01:00:06the last conversation
01:00:07she had with the last
01:00:08nigga before you.
01:00:10It was like a terrible
01:00:11game of telephone.
01:00:12And then you go
01:00:13to hang up the phone.
01:00:14She's one of these people
01:00:14you go to say goodbye.
01:00:16Nigga ignore you.
01:00:17Start a brand new conversation.
01:00:20I call my mama up.
01:00:21Hey mama.
01:00:22Hey baby boy.
01:00:23How are you?
01:00:24I'm good.
01:00:25Where you at now
01:00:26Sky King?
01:00:27You're always flying around
01:00:27making people laugh.
01:00:29Where you at now son?
01:00:30Oh I'm in New York City.
01:00:32Oh yeah.
01:00:32Make sure you wear a jacket.
01:00:33It get cold as fuck
01:00:34at night.
01:00:36Yeah it gets so cold
01:00:37even the white people
01:00:37be ashy.
01:00:40So son when you coming home?
01:00:42I'm coming home
01:00:43on Monday
01:00:44because I have a date
01:00:45with the most beautiful woman.
01:00:46Oh.
01:00:47Well who's the lucky girl?
01:00:49I said you are.
01:00:51Oh.
01:00:52Boy.
01:00:53If your father
01:00:54would have talked like that
01:00:55I'd have fucked that nigga
01:00:56more than ten times.
01:01:01So where we gonna go son?
01:01:03Huh?
01:01:04I want some of that
01:01:04Wagyu.
01:01:05Can we get some steak?
01:01:07It's called Wagyu mom.
01:01:09I don't know how the fuck
01:01:10you pronounce it
01:01:11but I know that shit
01:01:12is 270 something dollars
01:01:13a steak.
01:01:15Now you sure
01:01:16you don't want to call
01:01:16Kenan and Damon
01:01:17coming to help you
01:01:18with this bill?
01:01:21You know your discovery
01:01:22car be acting up
01:01:23sometimes son.
01:01:26No mama
01:01:26I think I'll handle it.
01:01:28Alright.
01:01:28Well can I have
01:01:29some dessert?
01:01:30Yes but only a little bit.
01:01:32Why?
01:01:32Because of my diabetes?
01:01:33No mama.
01:01:34Cause you're already
01:01:35so sweet.
01:01:36Oh.
01:01:39Boy.
01:01:40You must get you
01:01:41a lot of pussy.
01:01:44This nigga got lines
01:01:46like a pimp.
01:01:46You go on back daddy.
01:01:49Alright big boy.
01:01:50Well I'm looking forward
01:01:51to seeing you.
01:01:51Alright mama.
01:01:52I love you.
01:01:53And I love, love, love, love, love.
01:01:55Love you too.
01:01:56Alright mama.
01:01:57Bye.
01:01:57Alright.
01:01:58Bye now.
01:02:00Yeah.
01:02:01So I talked to Kenan.
01:02:03Bitch.
01:02:03Bitch.
01:02:10People ask
01:02:11who's the funniest one
01:02:13in the Wayans family.
01:02:19I digress.
01:02:21The funniest person
01:02:22in the Wayans family
01:02:23is my mama.
01:02:25My mama.
01:02:27Elvira
01:02:29Aletha
01:02:29Green
01:02:31Wayans Sr
01:02:32is the funniest woman
01:02:34I ever met.
01:02:35So funny that yes
01:02:36there is a junior
01:02:37that exists
01:02:38with that slave name.
01:02:41My mother was brilliant.
01:02:43My mother never did
01:02:44stand up comedy.
01:02:45But she was naturally
01:02:46a gifted comedian.
01:02:48Her life
01:02:49was one great
01:02:50stand up comedy set.
01:02:52Her life.
01:02:53Here's why.
01:02:54A great comedian
01:02:55can come on a stage
01:02:56and they can make you laugh
01:02:59with the shit
01:03:00that hurts them the most.
01:03:01They're taking their pain
01:03:03these people
01:03:04are dying inside
01:03:06and they're making you laugh.
01:03:08And that laughter
01:03:09is healing for us.
01:03:11And that's called
01:03:12having the last laugh.
01:03:16My mother did that
01:03:17with her life.
01:03:18The thing that hurt
01:03:20my mama most
01:03:20was my father's religion.
01:03:23Not because he was
01:03:24a man of God
01:03:24but because she was
01:03:26God fearing too.
01:03:27But my mother
01:03:28was a romantic.
01:03:30My mother loved holidays.
01:03:32Why?
01:03:32Because she loved
01:03:33to celebrate
01:03:34those that she loved.
01:03:36And damn it
01:03:36she just wanted
01:03:37to be celebrated.
01:03:38But my father's religion
01:03:40prevented her
01:03:41from doing that.
01:03:42She was heartbroken.
01:03:44Every fucking holiday
01:03:44she would cry herself
01:03:46to sleep.
01:03:47Now
01:03:48my father
01:03:49being a man of God
01:03:51being a Jehovah
01:03:51witness
01:03:51he would not celebrate
01:03:52any holiday.
01:03:53So one day
01:03:54it was Father's Day
01:03:55my brother Keenan
01:03:56came home from California.
01:03:57He had made some money.
01:03:58He said
01:03:59we're going to celebrate
01:04:00Pop this Father's Day.
01:04:01We was like
01:04:01this nigga don't celebrate
01:04:02Father's Day.
01:04:03He's like
01:04:03we're not going to
01:04:04call it Father's Day.
01:04:04We're going to call it
01:04:05Happy Wednesday.
01:04:08We're going to buy him
01:04:08some gifts.
01:04:09We're going to write him
01:04:09some cards.
01:04:10So we bought him
01:04:10some gifts.
01:04:11We wrote him some cards.
01:04:12My father opened the gifts.
01:04:13He opens the cards.
01:04:14And my dad started crying.
01:04:16Because he couldn't believe
01:04:17the sentiments
01:04:19that he heard
01:04:19from his children.
01:04:20This nigga
01:04:21went his whole life
01:04:22with never hearing
01:04:23I love you dad.
01:04:24thank you dad.
01:04:25What a wonderful
01:04:26father you was.
01:04:27So he read these
01:04:28things and he cried.
01:04:30And from that day on
01:04:31my father made it
01:04:32a tradition
01:04:33to celebrate
01:04:36Father's Day.
01:04:43Now
01:04:45this pissed
01:04:47my mama off
01:04:48even more.
01:04:50My mother said
01:04:51nigga
01:04:52Father's Day
01:04:53not my birthday
01:04:55you nipple dick
01:04:56nigga
01:04:56not my anniversary
01:04:59faggot boss
01:05:00you gonna celebrate
01:05:02Father's Day
01:05:03now
01:05:04knowing my mother
01:05:06the brilliant
01:05:07comedian
01:05:07that she is
01:05:08what day
01:05:10do you think
01:05:11my mama died?
01:05:13Father's Day.
01:05:15That's why
01:05:15she is trying
01:05:16to stay alive
01:05:17at 11 56 p.m.
01:05:19on Saturday
01:05:19June 19th
01:05:22four minutes later
01:05:24it was gonna be
01:05:24Father's Day.
01:05:25She wanted to
01:05:26take that nigga's
01:05:27only fucking
01:05:28holiday from her.
01:05:29She said
01:05:31happy Wednesday
01:05:32motherfucker.
01:05:41Thank you New York.
01:05:43Thank you Harlem.
01:05:56Good morning
01:05:57baby boy
01:05:58just calling to
01:05:59find out
01:06:00whose ass
01:06:00are you kicking
01:06:01today.
01:06:02I thought
01:06:03that was a good
01:06:04one.
01:06:04I love you.
01:06:05Call me
01:06:05when you get
01:06:06a chance.
01:06:07This is my
01:06:08dog tin
01:06:10and my
01:06:11honey
01:06:12use my
01:06:14dog tin
01:06:15and my
01:06:15honey
01:06:16pie
01:06:17use my
01:06:19dog tin
01:06:20honey
01:06:21baby
01:06:22I could
01:06:24love
01:06:24until
01:06:25I die
01:06:26tonight.
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