Chappelle cuts loose in what he does best, Chappelle-style! And for what it's worth, no one is safe from Dave!
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #davechappelle #davechappellecomedy #davechappellestandup #davechappellestandupcomedy
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #jokes #funny #davechappelle #davechappellecomedy #davechappellestandup #davechappellestandupcomedy
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00:02Why'd you pick San Francisco to shoot your special?
00:05This is one of the best towns to ever do comedy.
00:07And this is the most historic venue you've got as far as comedians are concerned.
00:11Because Lenny Bruce ripped it down here.
00:13All the best came through the bay.
00:15What about Richard? What about Robin Williams?
00:18Harlan? Mooney?
00:19You don't necessarily have to be the biggest star.
00:22As long as you come with it and the people coming out,
00:24they like to see live performances because it's a savvy audience.
00:28San Francisco, are you ready?
00:34I don't think he can hear you.
00:37Are you ready?
00:40Welcome to the state of Japan!
01:03Oh, man!
01:06Oh, shit!
01:08Oh, shit!
01:11Yes, bring it on, bring it!
01:15Yes, thank you!
01:16Thank you all!
01:19Thank you for coming!
01:21Goddamn!
01:23I did it big this year!
01:25From cable, nigga!
01:27Goddamn!
01:29Thanks for coming out and thanks for making the nigga feel comfortable
01:33in the gayest place on earth!
01:38You guys got Disney World jealous out this motherfucker!
01:42Man!
01:43I didn't really think it was that gay at first!
01:45I was like, what is everybody?
01:46Because when I was coming out here, everyone was like,
01:47man, that place is really gay!
01:51I was like, what the fuck is everybody talking about?
01:52It's not so gay!
01:53And then I wandered into that Castro!
01:56Goddamn!
01:57I said, this is America's anus right here!
02:00This is...
02:00This shit is deep!
02:05Went to that tenderloin,
02:08it was nothing tender about that motherfucker at all!
02:11That shit was rough!
02:13The opposite of tender!
02:16I have never seen crack smoke so casually before!
02:23These niggas was sitting in front of Starbucks,
02:25smoking crack and drinking coffee!
02:27I said, this is off the hook!
02:29Talking about politics!
02:35I seen one crackhead trying to break into somebody's car, man,
02:39and it struck a chord with me, I tried to stop him.
02:41I said, hey!
02:42And he looked back and saw me and said,
02:44oh, keep an eye out!
02:45I said, nigga, that was me that said that!
02:47I'm not trying to help you!
02:50I want this shit to stop!
02:57Crackheads are like that.
02:58I had a crackhead break my car window one time.
03:01Broke it!
03:01You know what he stole?
03:03A fucking candy bar I had lying on the seat.
03:05That's all he took.
03:06It's a goddamn candy bar.
03:08I was so mad,
03:09I drove around the neighborhood for five hours
03:11looking for a crackhead with chocolate on his face.
03:14I did that!
03:16I finally found when I grabbed that motherfucker,
03:18I said, hey, man!
03:19What's all this chocolate on your face?
03:22Motherfucker!
03:24He looked confused.
03:25Chocolate?
03:26This is doo-doo, baby!
03:27I said, ah!
03:29Oh, man!
03:35This place is insane!
03:37But you know what I like about San Fran,
03:40and the reason I picked this city to do my special
03:42is because of all the major cities in America,
03:45somehow people get along here better than anywhere else
03:48I've seen in the country.
03:50That's right.
03:53That's right.
03:54That's right.
03:57And I always admired San Fran for that,
04:00and today I realized how you did it.
04:03Put all the niggas on the other side of that bridge.
04:09And shit ain't happy on that side.
04:13When you leave San Francisco, they're like,
04:15boy, thanks for coming to San Francisco.
04:19Come back in April, we're having a sale on Birkenstocks.
04:22As soon as you get to the other side,
04:24welcome to Oakland, bitch!
04:27Quick, quick!
04:36It's fucking crazy.
04:37But it also would feel like it's an East Coast city
04:40in the West Coast.
04:41You guys got subways and shit.
04:44I'm scared of public transportation.
04:46I was on a bus that was held hostage.
04:4945 minutes.
04:51It wasn't life-threatening.
04:52I don't want to give you that impression.
04:53It was a dude jerking off.
04:55But the shit was scary, son.
04:56It was scary.
05:00It was right before it happened,
05:02I was on the bus smoking a cigarette.
05:03It's a long story.
05:04That's not the coolest shit I ever did.
05:06And people freaked out.
05:08Sir!
05:10Sir, put that goddamn cigarette out, okay?
05:13This is everybody's air, sir.
05:16I flicked it.
05:17I didn't want any trouble.
05:19And just at that moment,
05:21coincidentally, this homeless dude,
05:23out of nowhere, pulls his dick out,
05:25started beating off.
05:27And I was furious.
05:29Because nobody said shit to this guy.
05:31They were just looking like,
05:32Oh, my God.
05:37I was the only one on the bus
05:38that had the balls to say anything to him.
05:40And it's not even like I was brave, really.
05:42It was the, you know...
05:44I was sitting next to the motherfucker.
05:46I had to say something.
05:50Come on, dog.
05:51You hit my elbows.
05:52Stop.
05:53Son, just stop.
05:58That's all I said.
05:59I was...
05:59I don't want to say too much.
06:02Guys beating off on the bus
06:03means there's something wrong with this motherfucker.
06:05He's not wrapped so tight.
06:07I didn't want to push him over the edge.
06:09As soon as I said something,
06:11all these dummies on the bus,
06:12now they're brave.
06:14He's right.
06:16Put your goddamn cock away.
06:19I don't want to see this anymore.
06:20I don't want to see it either.
06:21Yeah.
06:22Now the guy flips out.
06:23All right, everybody.
06:24Back up.
06:25Back the fuck up.
06:29I tried to be nice about this.
06:32Now everybody freaks out.
06:34Oh, my God.
06:35It's a biological attack.
06:37Oh.
06:39I'm caught in the middle.
06:40I can't lose my cool.
06:41I said, hey, everybody.
06:43Just calm the fuck down
06:44and you're gonna get me shot.
06:49Let's all just be cool.
06:50Let's do what this man says
06:52so he'll leave us alone.
06:54Now everybody gets quiet.
07:01That's better.
07:03That is better.
07:10And then he started walking up and down the aisles
07:12and he was terrorizing us.
07:21And then he starts making demands.
07:24You in the pink shirt.
07:26Squeeze your tits together.
07:28Oh.
07:28Oh, God.
07:29No.
07:30No.
07:35You.
07:36Stick your finger in your butt.
07:37Why?
07:37Oh, God.
07:38Why is this happening?
07:39Oh, God.
07:40Oh, God.
07:44He was working my way.
07:46Shit was tight.
07:48Just that minute.
07:49I got saved, dudes.
07:51I was so lucky.
07:52This guy at the other in the bus, he snapped.
07:54He lost his mind.
07:55I seen it happen.
07:57Ah!
07:59Screamed out.
08:00Rush him!
08:01He can't come on all of us and charge up the aisle.
08:04Ah!
08:06And it was like a movie.
08:07This homeless dude seen him coming and shot one off.
08:09Ah!
08:13I dodged that shit like the Matrix.
08:15Oh!
08:15Oh!
08:24The guy behind me wasn't so lucky, y'all.
08:26No!
08:33That shit was gross.
08:35It didn't kill him, but it was...
08:37I'm sure that fucked his day up.
08:39You're not gonna have a normal day if the homeless dude
08:43busting none of your forehead at 8.30 in the morning.
08:46That's a wrap on the rest of the day.
08:47Ah!
08:50This guy was freaking out.
08:51It burns!
08:53Oh!
08:53Oh!
08:54Oh!
08:55Oh!
08:58Everyone was standing around looking at him.
09:00Even the homeless dude felt bad.
09:04I guess he was finished.
09:05He came back to his senses.
09:08This is my stop.
09:11I said, relax, motherfucker.
09:13I had to say something.
09:14I said, relax!
09:16I can't.
09:16I got AIDS.
09:17I know it.
09:18I said, you can't get AIDS from a homeless dude
09:20busting a knot on your forehead.
09:21That's not how it spreads.
09:24I don't even know if that shit's true.
09:25That's just what I told him, man.
09:26He was so scared I had to say something.
09:31I don't know where AIDS comes from.
09:32Who the fuck knows?
09:34Scientists don't even know.
09:36Scientists still say AIDS started because somebody had sex with a monkey.
09:41The word.
09:44After all this research, this is the best explanation that you came up with, mother.
09:49Nobody fucks monkeys and people, you idiot.
09:52You either fuck monkeys or you fuck people.
09:55That's it.
09:55There's no in between.
09:59You're not going to get some monkey pussy on Tuesday and then be like, oh, let me call Charlene on
10:03Thursday.
10:03No.
10:05Once you fuck a monkey, that's a firm decision.
10:07I'm out of the human pussy game for good.
10:13It's ridiculous.
10:14You act like monkeys are just as open as waiting for people to fuck them, man.
10:18It's ridiculous.
10:19Monkeys don't want to be fucked by people.
10:21Think about it.
10:22Think how hard it would be to catch a monkey and fuck it.
10:27That's ridiculous.
10:29That's how it had to go.
10:30What do you think?
10:31You're just going to walk up to him in the woods and grab this nigga with the fruits and bananas.
10:35Hey, buddy.
10:36Hey.
10:43Yeah.
10:44There you go, buddy.
10:45Yeah.
10:48Yeah.
10:50There you go, your big bright red ass.
10:59It's a big bright red booty.
11:03You know how strong a monkey is?
11:06Would rip your dick off like the celery stalk.
11:11Throw that shit in the tall grass to never be seen again.
11:18Hey, dawg, we're going to go to the club, pick up some girls you're trying to row.
11:23Nah, man.
11:24I'm cool.
11:26I'm going to stay home, dawg.
11:28Chill with my monkey.
11:33You know how long it took me to train this monkey to suck my dick without peeling it?
11:41Mm.
11:46Last night, Chim Chim jerked me off with his feet.
11:48Nigga, only a monkey can show you that kind of love and tenderness.
11:52So y'all can keep fucking these people if you want, nigga.
11:55This is more monkey pussy for me.
11:59Hooking up with an orangutan next week.
12:03That's all I fuck is.
12:04Chimps and orangutans.
12:08You know who I feel real bad for is Indians.
12:12Everybody feels bad for Indians.
12:13They get dogged openly because everybody thinks they're dead.
12:18These motherfuckers are not all dead, all right?
12:20I've seen, with my own eyes, I've seen a gathering of 1,500 Native Americans.
12:26They were all gathered in one place.
12:28The place is called Walmart in New Mexico.
12:35There's Indians there.
12:36I'd never seen Indians before.
12:37I wasn't even sure if they wore Indians.
12:39I was fucked up, but I asked one of them.
12:42It's not nice, but I seen them in the sports section looking at bows and arrows.
12:46I had to say something.
12:47Excuse me.
12:51I don't mean to be rude.
12:56Are you an Indian?
12:58And he was cool.
12:59Yes.
13:01Yes, I am Indian.
13:03Still didn't believe him.
13:05I had to test him to be sure.
13:07This is fucked up.
13:08But I had a gum wrapper in my pocket.
13:09So I balled that shit up and I threw it on the floor.
13:14And a single tear came out of his eye.
13:17I said, oh shit.
13:22I had so many questions.
13:26What tribe are you from?
13:29I am a Navajo.
13:32I said, word.
13:35I studied you in social studies.
13:41You're a hunter-gatherer, correct?
13:45He said, I guess so.
13:48That's what you wish to call it.
13:51I said, why?
13:52What are you calling?
13:53He said, I am an alcoholic.
14:03I said, well, what's your name, dog?
14:05He said, please.
14:06Dog is my cousin.
14:07That's a good guess.
14:08My name is Ren and Coyote.
14:12What is your name, friend?
14:14And that shit caught me off guard.
14:16I mean, I didn't want to say my name was Dave to a motherfucker named Ren and Coyote.
14:20This don't feel good enough.
14:21He was putting me on the spot.
14:23I said, huh?
14:24My name what?
14:27Oh, my name's Blackfeet.
14:33Then I changed the subject.
14:34Forget about me.
14:35What's going on with you?
14:37I want to meet your chief.
14:39Why don't me and your chief and your friends get together tonight?
14:42We could have a real live peace pipe smoking ritual.
14:44We need to celebrate, nigga.
14:46I thought you were dead.
14:49And he set it up.
14:50It was beautiful.
14:50It was just like our dream.
14:52It was all sitting around.
14:53The Indians was beating the drum.
14:59Some other Indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and
15:04put in front of us.
15:08Open that shit up.
15:09And on the blanket was a long wooden pipe with feathers.
15:14And bags of weed were all over the blanket.
15:18And the chief walked over.
15:25The big ones are 50.
15:27The little ones are 25.
15:29And these are 10.
15:39Man, those Indians got high as shit.
15:43I was baking.
15:44I told the chief.
15:44He was talking.
15:45I cut them off.
15:46Time out, chief.
15:47Sorry to interrupt.
15:49Fucking smashed, man.
15:50The weed's too strong.
15:52I'm itching.
15:52Is this PCP?
15:53The spirits have got me.
15:55Chief, the spirits have got me.
15:58And the chief threw some water in my face.
16:01Calm down, black face.
16:02Splash!
16:04I said, hey, it's black feet, motherfucker.
16:06Take it easy.
16:12Black feet.
16:14You're welcome to stay amongst me and my tribe for the night.
16:18Until the spirits leave you.
16:22And they gave me my own teepee to sleep in.
16:25Which sounds nice.
16:26I personally felt like it was a little fucked up.
16:29You know, because they all had houses, man.
16:31It's like, why can't I sleep with y'all in the house and watch TV?
16:33Like, I can't be on this grass all night.
16:41Yeah, Indians is rude, man.
16:43Everybody's rude.
16:44Indians, they eat nasty food.
16:46All they ate was corn and shit.
16:49Doritos, I think they called them.
16:53That's right.
16:55People only see the surface.
16:56They see the division in our foods.
16:59It's because I eat chicken and watermelon.
17:04They think that that's something wrong with me.
17:06Let me tell you something.
17:07If you don't like chicken or watermelon,
17:08something is wrong with you, motherfucker.
17:10There's something wrong with you.
17:11Where are all these people that don't like chicken and watermelon?
17:16I'm sick of hearing about how bad it is.
17:18It's great.
17:20I'm waiting for chicken to approach me to do a commercial.
17:22Nigga, I will...
17:23I'll do it for free, chicken.
17:26It's the least I can do.
17:30They make fun of Latin people for eating, uh...
17:33What y'all eat?
17:34Beans?
17:35Rice?
17:37Corn?
17:38Listen, that's not a reason to hate a motherfucker.
17:40Alright?
17:41It's funny, but it's not a reason to hate...
17:47The only reason these things are even an issue
17:49is because nobody knows what white people eat.
17:53You've been very good at keeping that shit a secret amongst yourselves.
17:58I study white people.
17:59You don't know that.
18:00I'm writing a paper on you.
18:03Not even for school, nigga.
18:04Just to do it.
18:05Just to get...
18:06Just doing this independent research.
18:07I'm spending my money.
18:08That's why I'm working so hard.
18:11I follow you around grocery stores.
18:13They freak out.
18:14I just try to peek in the car.
18:15They always say,
18:16Get away from my car, nigga.
18:16What are you looking at?
18:20Chicken and giblets are over there.
18:23You must be lost.
18:25These are vegetables.
18:32I know what you drink.
18:34See how quiet it got?
18:37Great juice.
18:39Surprise, motherfuckers!
18:40You didn't know I knew about grape juice, did you?
18:42Oh!
18:43Don't play dumb with me.
18:44You're looking at what?
18:45What is...
18:46A lot of black people don't have the privilege of knowing about grape juice.
18:50Because they have grape drink.
18:52It's not the same formula that you get.
18:56Ain't no vitamins in that shit.
18:59You might have one of your black friends over, Todd.
19:02Todd?
19:03Would you care for a glass of grape juice?
19:05What?
19:06Nigga, what the fuck is juice?
19:10I want some grape drink, baby.
19:14Mmm.
19:14It's purple.
19:18I don't think I know what a grape drink is.
19:20What?
19:21I have some apple juice if you want.
19:23What the fuck is juice?
19:26I want some apple drink.
19:30Scream.
19:38Remember that commercial for Sonny Delight when all the kids run in from outside playing?
19:42They all run to the fridge.
19:44All right.
19:45I got some purple stuff.
19:47Some Sonny D.
19:47As soon as they say Sonny D, all the kids go, yeah!
19:52Watch the black kid in the back.
19:54If you ever see that commercial again, look at that black kid.
19:56He'll be like, I want that purple stuff.
20:00That's drink, nigga.
20:02That is drink.
20:04They want...
20:07They want drink.
20:09I want all them vitamins, nigga.
20:11I wouldn't drink.
20:13Sugar, water, purple.
20:16That's the ingredients.
20:17Sugar, water...
20:19And, of course, purple.
20:25It's too fucking much.
20:27I got a lot of things to talk about tonight.
20:29First of all, I've stopped smoking weed.
20:33With black people.
20:34You didn't let me finish, motherfuckers.
20:36Goddamn.
20:36I'm sorry, black people, to break the news so publicly, but I can't smoke with you anymore.
20:42Every time I smoke weed with my black friends, all you talk about is your trials and tribulations.
20:50I'm sick of that shit.
20:51I got my own problems, nigga.
20:52It's a waste of weed.
20:53I'm smoking weed to run away from my problems, not taking on yours.
20:56From now on, I smoke weed exclusively with white people.
21:03Calm down, motherfuckers.
21:04You win by default.
21:08You got good weed conversation.
21:12All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.
21:19I could listen to that shit all night.
21:21Dude, remember Frank's last week?
21:23It's fucking smashed, man.
21:26And catalogs everything they drink.
21:28Two shots of Jaeger.
21:31Tequila.
21:32Four bong hits men.
21:35Beer.
21:37Cheeseburger.
21:39That shit is great.
21:40The only bad part is you cannot pass out around white people.
21:46Every time white dudes pass out around each other, they always do some borderline gay shit when the guy's asleep.
21:56Frank fell asleep so he, like, stuck a carrot in his ass and put shaving cream on his balls.
22:01Like, why, motherfucker?
22:03Why did you do that to a friend of yours?
22:05He trusted you enough to sleep around you?
22:06You gonna put a carrot in his ass?
22:08Is that nice?
22:11I tell you right now, if I put a carrot in a black dude there, a nigga will kill you
22:15anyway except for some shit like that.
22:16That is an automatic death sentence on the street.
22:20It's a wrap for you.
22:21I'm gonna kill that motherfucker.
22:25I thought y'all was friends, baby.
22:28What happened?
22:31I fell asleep at his house, right?
22:33We was drinking and I fell asleep at his house and while I was sleeping, right?
22:38I'm just gonna kill that motherfucker, alright?
22:40That's all you need to know.
22:42And fuck carrots.
22:48But everybody's getting along.
22:50I see that shit.
22:51I see it all around.
22:53Blacks and whites don't fight so much.
22:56You know who don't have no beef with anybody is Asian people.
22:59I see how y'all be doing.
23:02Y'all just laying the cut.
23:04But the only people Asian people beef with is other Asian people.
23:09Like if you call a Korean guy Chinese, I've done this.
23:12They will flip out.
23:13Hey!
23:15What make you think I'm Chinese?
23:18I am Korean.
23:20Do I look Chinese?
23:23Yes, motherfucker, you do look Chinese.
23:25That's why I said it.
23:26It's an accident.
23:27Looking to the untrained guy, you all look Chinese to me.
23:32It's a mistake.
23:33I'm not trying to offend you.
23:34Some people say all black people look alike.
23:36We don't get bent out of shape.
23:38We normally just call those people police.
23:40Okay?
23:42Just learn to live with it.
23:43That's all I can tell you.
23:46Everybody's afraid of police now.
23:49I'm scared to death of these police.
23:51I am, nigga.
23:52I got a police scanner.
23:53First money I got is the first shit I went out.
23:56Bought me a police scanner.
23:57I just listen to these motherfuckers before I go out.
24:00Just to make sure everything's cool.
24:01You hear shit on it.
24:02Calling all cars.
24:03Calling all cars.
24:04Be on the lookout for a blackmail between 4-7 and 6-8.
24:11Staying in the crib tonight.
24:12Fuck that.
24:14Gotta work on that alibi for a minute.
24:17Every black person needs an alibi.
24:20I do them impromptu joints.
24:22If I'm by myself and need an alibi,
24:23I'll just open up the windows in the apartment.
24:25Turn on the lights on.
24:26Stop beating off right in the window.
24:27Look at me.
24:29Hey, everybody, look.
24:29It's me, Dave Chappelle.
24:30I'm crazy.
24:31I'm jerking off.
24:32Note the time, motherfuckers.
24:34It's 2.35.
24:34Look at me.
24:35I'm jerking off in the window.
24:362.35.
24:36Comedian Dave Chappelle.
24:37It's June 10th.
24:38Note the time.
24:45That shit could save my life.
24:47Officer David Chappelle couldn't have done that.
24:49I saw him in his window masturbating from 2.35 to 2.37.
24:53I'm certain of it.
24:55He was standing on a clock and holding a calendar
24:57and today's paper.
25:02Fuck, I need an alibi.
25:03I can't be no celebrity.
25:05This shit is just the worst.
25:07I'm seeing it.
25:08I can see why.
25:08I see why stars are crazy now, these motherfuckers.
25:11I went to Disney World with my kids, which is a big deal for me.
25:14I don't get to see my kids so much.
25:16I do Chappelle's show 20 hours a day.
25:19Sleep for like half an hour.
25:20Raise my kids for 10, 20 minutes.
25:22And then I go back to work.
25:26Now, this particular day, I got to hook up with the kids.
25:28We went to Disney World.
25:30Everybody at the park.
25:31Fucking everybody.
25:33Hey!
25:34Hey!
25:36I'm Rick James, bitch.
25:39Hey, I'm Rick James, bitch.
25:44It's like, hey man, hey.
25:46You mind not calling me a bitch in front of my kids?
25:50Time out, motherfucker.
25:51We take a day off.
25:55Even Mickey Mouse did it.
25:57I said, this is the most unprofessional shit I have ever seen in my life.
26:02Rick James, bitch.
26:04Oh, I was fed up.
26:07I caught that motherfucker with an uppercut.
26:09Bop!
26:11Knocked his head clean off.
26:12Everybody was screaming.
26:13Oh, my God.
26:14Oh, my God.
26:16Mickey Mouse is Mexican.
26:32I had a terrible time in Disney World.
26:35Disney World is like a whole other country anyway.
26:37They got their own currency.
26:39That shit is ridiculous.
26:41As soon as I checked in the hotels, welcome to Disney World, Mr. Chappelle.
26:44Oh, can we interest you in some Disney dollars?
26:49Nah, man.
26:50I'm cool.
26:52Can't buy weed and pussy with Disney dollars.
26:54Like, I'm on vacation.
26:57I like them greenbacks.
26:59I like them greenbacks.
27:00You know what I'm saying?
27:01It's the kind of money people spend.
27:03There's people who are very particular about that.
27:05I saw that.
27:06That was one of the main stories from the war.
27:07The first big thing we did was they said,
27:10now that Iraq has been liberated,
27:11we have managed to take Saddam Hussein's face off of the money.
27:17And I'm not going to lie, when that press conference came off,
27:20I was, like, choked up.
27:21I was actually proud to be an American
27:23because that is a very subtle psychological nuance of oppression
27:28to have a dictator on your money.
27:29And it's thoughtful to be able to take that motherfucker off
27:32for the goodwill of another person.
27:34Right?
27:35But then I thought,
27:36well, if you could do that for Iraq,
27:38what about our money, man?
27:39Our money looked like baseball cards with slave owners on.
27:45George Washington is the worst of the worst.
27:49Yes, I said it.
27:52He mythologized this motherfucker
27:53like he was the greatest dude, man.
27:55If I went back in time with a white person
27:57and we saw George Washington
27:58walking in front of our time machine,
28:00my white friend would probably be like,
28:02oh, my God, Dave, look, there's George Washington.
28:04He's the father of this great nation.
28:06I'm going to go shake his hand.
28:07I'd be on the other side like,
28:09run, nigga, George Washington.
28:12And we'd both be right.
28:14You like him because he wrote the Declaration of Independence
28:17and all that shit.
28:18We hold these truths to be self-evident.
28:21All men are created equal.
28:24Go get me a sandwich, nigger, or I'll kill you.
28:28Liberty, justice for all.
28:32Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
28:33Wait a minute. Did he not own slaves?
28:35Didn't he own slaves?
28:36That's all I'm saying.
28:40I almost protested the war in the beginning.
28:43Almost.
28:46Until I saw what happened to them Dixie chicks.
28:48I said, fuck that.
28:51If they'll do that to three white women,
28:53they will tear my black ass to pieces.
28:55I don't want to hear that shit.
28:58Yeah, man, they would.
28:59But I'm like, for real, why do you care so much
29:02what the Dixie chicks say?
29:03It's not like they political scientists or nothing.
29:05They just bitches that can sing good.
29:07You know what I mean?
29:09Stop worshiping celebrities so much.
29:11Just don't pay attention.
29:13I remember right around September 11th,
29:16Ja Rule was on MTV.
29:18That's what they said.
29:18They said, we got Ja Rule on the phone.
29:20Let's see what Ja's thoughts are on this tragedy.
29:24Who gives a fuck what Ja Rule thinks at a time like this?
29:26Nigger, this is ridiculous.
29:28I don't want to dance. I'm scared to death.
29:33I want some answers that Ja Rule might not have right now.
29:37You think when bad shit happens to me,
29:39I'll be in the crib like, oh my God, this is terrible.
29:42Cause somebody, please, find Ja Rule.
29:45Get hold of this motherfucker so I can make sense of all this.
29:49Where is Ja?
29:52Have me Ja Rule.
29:58I don't even know why people listen to me.
30:02I'll say anything, nigga.
30:03I've done commercials for Coke and Pepsi.
30:06I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth.
30:08I just say what it takes.
30:09Whatever it takes, that's what I'm saying.
30:13If you want to know the truth,
30:15can't even taste the difference.
30:17Surprise!
30:19All I know is Pepsi Pabee most recently,
30:22so it tastes better.
30:26That's pretty much how the game goes.
30:28I'm just being real, man.
30:30There's too much gu-gag and over-celebrities.
30:32People don't know who's fake and what's real anymore.
30:35That's why Bill Cosby got in trouble.
30:38Look what happened to Bill Cosby.
30:40Bill Cosby said some real shit
30:42and the whole world freaked out on him.
30:45For what?
30:45For having an opinion?
30:46Just because he was selling pudding pops
30:48for the last 40 years,
30:50people forget that he's a nigga from Philly
30:52in the projects
30:53and he might say some real shit from time to time.
30:58It's not that big of a deal.
30:59I spoke at my old high school
31:00and I told them kids straight up,
31:02if you guys are serious about making it out of this ghetto,
31:05you got to focus,
31:07you got to stop blaming white people for your problems,
31:10and you've got to learn how to rap
31:13or play basketball or something.
31:15Nigga, you're trapped.
31:15You are trapped.
31:17Either do that or sell crack.
31:19That's your only option.
31:20That's the only way I've ever seen at work.
31:22Better get to entertaining these white people.
31:23They can get to dancing.
31:27Go on out there and be somebody.
31:34I just hope they listen.
31:41This shit is ridiculous.
31:42People worship television.
31:44They worship this shit.
31:45You know, like if you watch a movie, right?
31:47Say you're watching a movie
31:48and one character says to another character,
31:50say, hey, what's your number, man?
31:52What's the other character always say?
31:54555.
31:555555.
31:56You know why we got to do that?
31:58Because stupid ass people go to the movies
32:00and then go home and try to call the characters
32:02that they just saw.
32:03Hello, is Indiana Jones here?
32:05No, motherfucker.
32:06He's fake.
32:06It's not his number.
32:11And to be honest, this is the worst time in history
32:14to be a black celebrity.
32:15Fuck.
32:16They locking all our stars up.
32:18It's hot right now for black celebrities.
32:21I knew it was bad when Kobe got in trouble.
32:23I said, this is a wrap for us.
32:25He's one of the most wholesome dudes we had.
32:28Lock them up and everything.
32:31And Kobe kept it together.
32:33Thank God he held his game together
32:35because if he was cracking under the pressure
32:38and getting like six points a game,
32:40the whole L.A. would have been like,
32:41that nigger is guilty.
32:46Kobe was playing his ass off.
32:48He was playing like his freedom depended on that shit.
32:52You see this motherfucker in them games,
32:54this nigger trying to beat that case on the court.
32:56I think,
32:57what's that?
33:04Like the judge threw him the ball,
33:06like, play for your freedom.
33:15If I could talk to Kobe, I'd be like,
33:16just relax.
33:17You'll be fine, man.
33:18Because the public is still giving Kobe
33:20the benefit of the doubt.
33:21He's one of the few black celebrities that get that.
33:23Not because he's a celebrity.
33:25More because, you know,
33:27the girl showed up with eight different semens
33:29to the investigation.
33:30You can't do that.
33:32That's seven too many.
33:35That's a lot of semen, man.
33:36This bitch got Noah's Ark on her panties.
33:39Like, what, you trying to recreate humanity or something?
33:42She's a collector.
33:44She got every unsolved mystery.
33:47The answer might be in this girl's painter.
33:49That's the first place I look.
33:51OJ's other glove is in there.
33:54Bigfoot's footprint.
33:56Three CSI reruns is in that motherfucker.
34:02We got the most diabolical draws ever.
34:06Fuck being a celebrity.
34:07This is not the time to be a black star.
34:09They're locking all our stars up.
34:12Black celebrities.
34:13This is a witch hunt for us, man.
34:15God damn it.
34:16It's all OJ's fault.
34:19Ever since OJ got away,
34:20white people have just been locking up our stars
34:22one by one.
34:24It's true.
34:25And it's all...
34:26It's not even OJ's fault.
34:27It's our fault.
34:29We celebrated too openly when OJ got acquitted.
34:31We should have been quiet about that shit.
34:34As soon as they're not guilty,
34:35the niggas just...
34:36Oh, in your face, nigga.
34:39In your face.
34:42It hurts, don't it? It hurts.
34:44Burns, doesn't it, nigga?
34:45Ooh, that justice system burns, doesn't it?
34:48Welcome to my world, motherfucker.
34:50All that shit.
34:52White people wanted OJ's ass bad.
34:55City of L.A. spent over $12 million
34:58just trying that motherfucker.
35:00And the look on white people's face
35:01when he was acquitted...
35:03Priceless.
35:07Priceless.
35:14And that's why I don't trip off of being a celebrity.
35:17I don't like it.
35:18I don't trust it.
35:20There's one minute they all love you,
35:21the next thing you know,
35:23you're in front of that courthouse
35:24dancing on top of a car
35:25just trying to figure out
35:26what the fuck happened to you.
35:36That's what I'm waiting for,
35:38because the timing of this Michael Jackson shit
35:40is what makes me doubt it.
35:42Every time this war is going out of control
35:45or the economy gets bad
35:46or something is wrong with the world at large,
35:48it's always these moments in history
35:50that Michael Jackson will coincidentally
35:54jerk off a kid.
35:55This is getting a little ridiculous.
35:57Like, are you planning this shit?
35:58Do you have meetings?
36:00Michael, thank you for coming.
36:03As you know, Michael,
36:04the war's not been going as well as we expected.
36:06There's been a lot of hiccups,
36:07and the public is asking us a lot of questions,
36:12of course, and...
36:13Well, Michael, there's no nice way to say this,
36:15and all I know how to do is be direct,
36:17so let me just be direct.
36:20We're going to need you to jerk off another child, Mike.
36:22I'm sorry.
36:24I am sorry.
36:27But it would really help out.
36:31Or maybe he didn't.
36:32Who knows?
36:34Who knows?
36:35That's the thing.
36:35That's what I wanted to say.
36:36Who knows?
36:37Who the fuck knows?
36:38Mike, God, and this little boy know.
36:40That's about it.
36:42That's about it.
36:43The only reason that I can even talk about this shit
36:46is because everybody is speculating.
36:49They all think he did it.
36:50And I don't think he did it.
36:51I'm alone in this.
36:52I don't think he did it.
36:54I'm not going to say I don't think he did it.
36:55That's too strong.
37:01Let me just say I am reserving judgment
37:05until all the facts come out.
37:08But so far from what I heard,
37:09I mean, the kid said he was dying of cancer.
37:11He was in Make-A-Wish Foundation.
37:13He claims he had two weeks to live,
37:15and it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson.
37:20Come on, man.
37:21Give me a fucking break.
37:22This kid is 10 years old.
37:23He don't remember Thriller.
37:24The fuck you want to meet Michael Jackson for?
37:26Honestly.
37:29I remember Thriller,
37:30and I just, like, kind of want to meet this nigga.
37:32Like, I wouldn't break an appointment to meet him.
37:34I'd put it that way.
37:35I'd have to already be free.
37:38That's ridiculous.
37:39It's like if I'm dying in two weeks and go,
37:40Uh-oh, mama.
37:41Uh-oh.
37:42Get me in the room with Chubby Chuckle.
37:44I wouldn't want to meet that motherfucker.
37:46My last two weeks.
37:47Why not usher somebody like this?
37:51So then the kid claims.
37:54He goes to Michael's house.
37:55This is where it all gets crazy.
37:56I don't, like, you know,
37:57he does everything you'd expect at Michael's house.
38:00They, uh, climbed trees and rolled roller coasters
38:02and Ferris wheels.
38:03The chef made cookies, pies and cakes.
38:05They was petting a monkey and a giraffe.
38:07Sing songs.
38:09Kid shit.
38:10And in the middle of all this childlike activity,
38:13for some reason,
38:16Mike pulled out some wine and some pills.
38:21And sucked this kid's dick.
38:24Folks, it hurts me to say it.
38:27And the kid had the nerve to call that abuse.
38:30Motherfucker, that is a good host.
38:32God damn.
38:33What else do you want?
38:34What else do you want?
38:38I'm lucky to get a glass of,
38:39a grape drink at my friend's house.
38:42Let alone a roller coaster ride and my dick sucked.
38:48Mike must be confused.
38:49Like, I brought you in my house,
38:50I fed you,
38:51I sucked your dick,
38:52and this is how you repaid me, motherfuckers?
38:54This was your wish, not mine.
38:59I thought you were dying in two weeks.
39:01What happened to that motherfucker?
39:03I've been in court for a year and a half,
39:04you get stronger every time I see you.
39:12This is fucked up.
39:13I shouldn't even say this is fucked.
39:14Wouldn't it be some ironic shit
39:16if they found out through this case
39:18that the cure for cancer
39:19was Michael Jackson sucking your dick somehow?
39:24Like, if Mike had powers like Green Mile
39:27and all the kids like,
39:28please, Mike, suck out this.
39:29Mmm, never again.
39:31He didn't appreciate it.
39:37Can we at least study your saliva?
39:38Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
39:40Please, Mike.
39:47It just doesn't stop, though.
39:48It just doesn't stop.
39:50And the only reason I can talk about Mike
39:52is because he's a freak.
39:54He is a freak.
39:55That's why people let you talk about him.
39:57Because if I brought up Catholic priest fucking kids,
39:59it'd be quiet as shit.
40:02But...
40:04But, when Michael Jackson does it,
40:06it's okay because he's a freak.
40:08His face is all cut up.
40:10But just remember,
40:11when you look at that thing that he calls his face,
40:14that he did that for you somehow.
40:18Somehow, he thought you might...
40:19Maybe it'll help.
40:20Maybe people will like me more
40:22if I turn myself into a white,
40:25ghoulish-like creature.
40:26I don't know what the fuck it is,
40:28but he did it for you.
40:30And I appreciate the gesture,
40:32Michael Jackson,
40:32if you're watching this.
40:33I appreciate that gesture,
40:34and I want you to know,
40:36fuck everybody,
40:37Dave Chappelle understands.
40:38Because you want to know something?
40:40I'm getting some work done.
40:41Surprise!
40:42Yes.
40:44Nothing major.
40:44You would never know if I didn't tell you,
40:46but it's some shit I'm insecure about
40:48that I want to work on.
40:50If you must know,
40:51I'm getting Botox done on my balls
40:53to get these wrinkles out.
40:54Finally,
40:56have these shit smooth as eggs.
40:59No, I can't wait.
41:02I cannot wait.
41:06And I'm not stopping there.
41:07That's just phase one, baby.
41:10Be like Bob Vila,
41:11these old balls.
41:12I'm fixing them up.
41:13I'm plucking all the hair out.
41:17I gotta make room.
41:18I know this.
41:19I gotta make room.
41:20I'm gonna tattoo a gangster ass face on them.
41:24Mean expressions like this.
41:27And then I'll grow the hair back on the bottom
41:29so they got beards like me.
41:36And then I'm hitting that beach
41:37and looking for ballsuckers.
41:40I'm gonna wear some high shorts just like this.
41:44And walk up to women with a confidence
41:46I've never had before.
41:48Pardon me, miss.
41:50I don't mean to be rude.
41:53But do you suck balls?
41:57Excuse me?
41:59Miss, relax.
42:00You didn't even let me finish.
42:02Do you suck these balls?
42:07Oh my God, those balls are as smooth as eggs.
42:12Yes, I'll suck them.
42:16I've played this scenario out in my mind
42:18a million times, lady.
42:20That's how it always ends.
42:22Yes, I'll suck those balls.
42:27All our stars.
42:29All our stars, man.
42:31R. Kelly pissed on his victim.
42:36I know, it was rough.
42:38But I mean, again,
42:39I can't even judge R. Kelly.
42:41First of all, we don't know
42:42if these allegations are true.
42:43And even if they are true,
42:44if you want to know how I feel about it honestly,
42:47if a man cannot pee on his fans,
42:50I don't want to be in show business anymore
42:52because, well, that's why I got in the game, baby.
42:54I got dreams, too.
43:00You guys are confusing the issue.
43:02While you guys are busy worrying about
43:04if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not,
43:06you're not asking yourself the real question
43:08that America needs to decide once and for all.
43:10And that question is,
43:12how old is 15 really?
43:18No, that's a good question.
43:20That's a good question.
43:22I'm not saying that a person is as smart as they're going to be at 15.
43:26That's not what I'm saying, man.
43:27But I am saying,
43:2915 to me is old enough to decide
43:33whether or not you want to be pissed on.
43:35I mean, that's me.
43:36If you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15,
43:39then just give up, motherfucker,
43:40because life is way harder than that.
43:43I make tougher decisions all the time.
43:45If you don't want to get pissed on it, just get the fuck out of the way.
43:47It's not even a decision.
43:48If I stop peeing on the front row, they're not going to have to calculate
43:51and think, how do I feel about this? Am I okay with it?
43:53They just move.
43:57You can do that at 15.
43:59I could have.
44:00I've been 15.
44:00When I was 15, I was doing stand-up in nightclubs.
44:04I smoked reefer from time to time.
44:05Friends were selling crack.
44:07I was trying to finger fuck people.
44:08I knew what was happening around me
44:10to some degree.
44:13Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15.
44:16Trust me.
44:21But it keeps coming up.
44:22There's a lot of confusion around that age.
44:24Any time 15 comes up, people freak out.
44:26Like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped.
44:30Right?
44:31Remember in Utah last year, 15 young girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped.
44:34And then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved.
44:37And I was the only one saying, damn, she wasn't that smart after all.
44:42Not because she got kidnapped.
44:43That could happen to anybody.
44:44I'm not knocking her for that.
44:45I'm just saying, if you kidnapped me when I was 15,
44:50you got to take me further than eight miles away from my house, man.
44:53Goddamn.
44:54You can't hold me prison around shit I recognize.
44:57I'll break away.
44:58I'll break away.
44:59Fuck off me, nigga.
45:00That's my bus stop.
45:01I know where I'm at.
45:01I'm going home.
45:09She was missing for six months, eight miles away from my house.
45:12That's two exits, man.
45:13That's nothing.
45:16And while she was missing, during this half a year that this girl was missing,
45:20there's a seven-year-old black girl who gets kidnapped in Philadelphia.
45:24Nobody knows her name.
45:25They might have talked about her two or three times on the news,
45:27but she should have been in the top store.
45:29Yeah.
45:30Because she chewed through the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers in jail
45:33and 45 minutes flat.
45:3570 years old.
45:37I'm not making this up.
45:41There's two crackheads kidnapped her and took her back to the crack house
45:44and tied her up.
45:46And then they left her.
45:48They're the crackheads.
45:48They got to make moves.
45:49Crack smoke, chocolate to eat.
45:50These motherfuckers made moves.
45:52They was out.
45:53But as soon as they left, this little girl got to nibbling.
45:57She was kidnapped at four o'clock
45:59and at home watching herself on the news at 530.
46:01That shit is crazy.
46:03That's a news story.
46:05That is a news story.
46:07Now,
46:10meanwhile, in Utah,
46:13this 15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captives left her alone, too.
46:16And they didn't even tie her up because they're hillbillies.
46:19They just bounced.
46:20Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill you.
46:23Be right back.
46:24Leave.
46:25And she's 15 sitting in the house by herself.
46:28How am I going to get out of this?
46:33Come on, Elizabeth.
46:35Think.
46:36Think, Elizabeth.
46:37How am I going to get out of here?
46:40Why don't you just open the fucking door and go outside?
46:42Have you thought about that?
46:43Do you have a quarter?
46:44Do you know your phone number?
46:45You're 15, bitch.
46:46Run.
46:47Stop thinking and stop making moves.
46:50I know what I say I'm mean.
46:52And I know what the people are thinking when I'm saying this.
46:54Dave, she's only 15.
46:57All right.
46:57But that's the discrepancy.
46:58Because when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart, then the country feels like 15 is so young
47:03and so innocent.
47:05On the flip side, here comes 15 again.
47:07Now we talk about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida.
47:10This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he was practicing wrestling moves that he saw on TV.
47:15Now, was he a kid?
47:17No.
47:18They gave him life.
47:19They always try our 15-year-olds as adults.
47:21This nigger knew what he was doing.
47:23He was a goddamn pile driver.
47:27If this kid gets on the ropes, there's no stopping him.
47:31You'd have to send the rock to arrest him.
47:35And they gave a 15-year-old boy life in jail.
47:40If you think that it's okay to give him life in jail, then it should be legal to pee on
47:44him.
47:44That's all I'm saying.
47:45You got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is.
47:50That's all I'm saying.
47:52So I'm going to tell you right now.
47:53If somebody comes in here and puts a gun to my head and says,
47:56Chappelle, you got a choice to make, you're either going to jail for a month or we'll let you go.
48:01But you got to let R. Kelly pee on you.
48:04I'm not hesitating.
48:06Bring in R. Kelly and tell him to stay away from my ass.
48:12I'd rather get pissed on on the outside and fucking the butt on the inside.
48:18I can't go to jail with some smooth Botox balls and think everything's going to be all right.
48:23It's not that kind of place.
48:26Take my chance with that piss.
48:28Piss will wash off with a 10-minute shower. I'm certain of it.
48:31Piss coming right out.
48:35What can I do? They're going to put me in jail.
48:41Society's changing rapidly. Can't smoke indoors.
48:44What the fuck was that all about?
48:46I got kicked out of a titty ball for smoking.
48:50No, that shit was ridiculous.
48:53The stripper did it. The stripper came up like,
48:55Your smoking is a health risk for me. I don't want to work in this kind of environment.
49:02This bitch, you have your gonorrhea-infested pussy in my face. You started it.
49:11And they threw me out.
49:13It's the dirtiest place I've ever been thrown out of.
49:16And just to give you an idea of what I mean by dirty,
49:20lap dancers at this place, $3.
49:24It's fucking disgusting.
49:26And at the same time, who could pass up a sale, son? It was $3!
49:31Of course I did it.
49:33It's only 12 quarters.
49:35I said, I'll break a fire for that.
49:41I've never seen somebody work this hard for $3.
49:43This lady must have been a throwback to the Great Depression.
49:46She was all over me.
49:47It's the first time I ever told a stripper to get off of me.
49:50All right.
49:51Yeah, thank you very much, miss.
49:56That'll be all.
49:58That's enough. Thank you.
49:59Hey! Hey! Get off of me!
50:02Whatever happened to lipstick on the collar, lady?
50:07I have a shit streak on the middle of my shirt.
50:12How the fuck am I gonna explain this when I get home?
50:17Huh?
50:18Oh, no, baby.
50:19Me and Bob were playing basketball,
50:20and Bob dunked on me, was hanging on the rim,
50:23and his pants fell down.
50:24I was checking him close.
50:25I think he was swinging,
50:27and his butt cheeks might have...
50:29His butt cheeks, I think, caught my shirt.
50:33I don't know why I was playing ball in my dress shirt.
50:35I just was. It was midnight.
50:36I don't know what the fuck.
50:41Just let me think.
50:41That's when you know a guy is lying
50:43and you say shit like that.
50:44Hold on, just let me think.
50:49We may never say that to you.
50:50Hold on, just let me think for a minute.
50:51Can I think?
50:59Well, y'all went, man,
51:00you guys made too much progress too fast.
51:03Not too much, but you just...
51:05You're confused by it.
51:06You made so much progress,
51:07you're even confused.
51:08Men and women.
51:08We're both like, what the fuck just happened?
51:11Because women got all this money now,
51:12but they still like women.
51:13Like, oh, you never take me anywhere anymore.
51:16And the dude be thinking,
51:18bitch, you got more money than me?
51:19You never take me anywhere anymore.
51:23And at the same time,
51:24you don't treat a man like a man.
51:25You don't cook.
51:26You don't clean.
51:27And you don't do anything a motherfucker says.
51:30You tell a motherfucker what to do.
51:31I see women doing this to men all the time.
51:33Come on!
51:39No man wants that shit.
51:41I don't want anybody to tell me what to do that much.
51:43You got to work with me.
51:44Like, if it makes a man feel like a man to watch the game,
51:47then just let him sit there and watch the game for a minute.
51:49And if he happens to look over at you while he's watching the game,
51:52don't look at him all mean and make him feel guilty about watching it.
51:56Just pick up your own titty and suck it.
51:58Just try it out.
52:06He will instantly remember why he fell in love.
52:08Oh, that's right!
52:10Forgot my girl sucks her own titties from time to time.
52:13I can't walk away from that.
52:16It's too hard to find.
52:18You see, that took 20 seconds.
52:20He's still going to be as busy as he wants.
52:21Just chuck your own titty and everything's cool.
52:23Well, how about this?
52:24If you're making love to your man,
52:25you're already making love.
52:26Might as well spice it up, right?
52:28How about this?
52:29I personally like it.
52:32I like it when a girl tells me where to come.
52:34Don't like it when a girl tells me when to come.
52:36I hate that shit.
52:37Don't come yet.
52:38Oh, bitch, all these rules!
52:54Instead of doing that, why don't you just tell us where?
52:56Make us feel better, especially if you're aggressive about it.
52:59I like when a girl goes, wow!
53:00Come in my face!
53:06Stick your chin out like a boxer.
53:10Bring it on, motherfucker!
53:13You're a bum!
53:18But it doesn't have to be that wild or explicit.
53:21Look, all a man wants to know is that you're interested
53:23and that you'll participate.
53:24You can say anything, he'll be happy.
53:26He'll say, oh, oh, come on top of the television!
53:29All right, fuck it!
53:39The weirder the place, the better.
53:41Oh, come in my fishbowl!
53:42Damn, the fishbowl.
53:45Oh, shit, they're eating it!
53:47Oh!
53:59Fish love it when I come over.
54:02Oh, it's that guy.
54:03We're having chicken tonight.
54:09You guys, man, thanks, man.
54:11It's been the best of you in my career.
54:13By far.
54:18I appreciate you guys watching me.
54:24Cuz I do it for my kids, really, man.
54:26And my kids are off the hook.
54:27You think I'm a bad motherfucker.
54:29Wait till you see the 2000 model Chappelle.
54:31This nigga is off the hook.
54:34My sons are bad.
54:36My oldest son is three.
54:38This nigga made me a necklace out of macaroni.
54:41I said, this shit is baller.
54:43He painted the macaroni green and put it on a string.
54:46He tied it on my neck and he told me he was proud of me.
54:48And I got choked up.
54:50And he thought I was sad.
54:52That's how smart he was.
54:53He says, are you sad, Daddy?
54:55And I said, no, I'm not sad.
54:57You're too young to understand this, son.
55:00But this is fucking crazy.
55:05You used to live in my balls, man.
55:10Now you making jewelry out of macaroni.
55:13You a bad motherfucker.
55:14Long live Chappelle's.
55:18The
55:52Oh, shit.
55:54Thanks, guys.
56:00That's what it's all about.
56:01Everybody usually wants to be famous
56:03so they can rock nice jewelry and all that shit.
56:06Nigga, I already got a macaroni necklace.
56:07I got valuable shit.
56:09I got valuable shit.
56:15I'm not in it for that.
56:18Only kind of shit I want to do with fame
56:20that's like decadent
56:21is I want to go to Vegas
56:22to the $5,000 blackjack table.
56:25And I don't even want to play.
56:27I just want to be such a big star
56:28that I can go up to one of the players
56:30in a tight hand and put my dick on their shoulder.
56:33And I'm such a celebrity,
56:34they think it's funny.
56:38Hey, what the fuck?
56:40Oh, shit.
56:41Dave Chappelle.
56:43Wow.
56:47I'm getting on the cell phone.
56:48You are not going to believe
56:49whose dick is on my shoulder right now.
56:52And this guy's balls are smooth as ass.
56:57He's had some work done.
57:00Couldn't thank you enough.
57:01God bless you, old man.
57:02Keep watching me.
57:03I'm going to try to make it interesting.
57:04Stay safe.
57:05I'm going to try to make it interesting.
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