Comedian Margaret Cho performs in front of a live audience in this provocative and hilarious comedy special event, tackling off-limits issues from Boko Haram to female empowerment with her razor-sharp insight and wit.
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FunTranscript
00:00:13I wanted to make love in the morning
00:00:16Cause at night I couldn't feel a thing
00:00:20And in the day I would...
00:00:22Please welcome Margaret Cho!
00:00:41Thank you!
00:00:42Oh my god!
00:00:43Thank you so much!
00:00:54Thank you!
00:00:58I love you!
00:00:59Thank you so much for coming!
00:01:00This is exciting!
00:01:01We're filming!
00:01:04So...
00:01:04Where's the Asian people?
00:01:05Where's the Asian people?
00:01:06Oh thank god!
00:01:10No I know!
00:01:11Cause I know...
00:01:11It's icy and I know you had to drive!
00:01:13So I'm so glad!
00:01:16It's dangerous!
00:01:18Thank you for coming!
00:01:20This is exciting!
00:01:21This is exciting!
00:01:21The Asian news!
00:01:23Okay!
00:01:24There's a TV show on right now on ABC!
00:01:29It's called Fresh Off the Boat!
00:01:31Really great!
00:01:34It's a show...
00:01:35I helped a little bit but it's on TV now!
00:01:38It is the second Asian American family show ever on television and so I hope that you watch
00:01:44it!
00:01:45It's very, very exciting!
00:01:46It's really, really good!
00:01:47And...
00:01:48Um...
00:01:50I...
00:01:50I actually created the first Asian American family TV show...
00:02:0120 years ago...
00:02:04And I fucked it up so badly...
00:02:08They had to wait for an entire generation...
00:02:13Of Asian Americans to be born and grow up to Nielsen voting age!
00:02:21So now it's on TV and, um, Eddie Huang is the creator of the show and it's, uh, it's a
00:02:28real
00:02:28honor because when he started the development process he reached out to me because he knew
00:02:33that I was the only person in the entire galaxy who understood what it was like to create
00:02:39an Asian American family show with ABC.
00:02:42So he found me, he was like, Chobie Wan Kenobi...
00:02:49You're my only hope.
00:02:51And...
00:02:51So I helped him out, you know.
00:02:53One of the problems is the network didn't like the name of the show, Fresh Off the Boat.
00:02:58They thought it was racist.
00:03:00It was all...
00:03:00It was all white people.
00:03:01Too.
00:03:02You know...
00:03:02You know how sometimes white people will get offended on our behalf?
00:03:07It's so adorable when they do that.
00:03:09It's like, aww, thanks!
00:03:10Thanks!
00:03:13You know how, like, white people are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay!
00:03:16Alright, okay, that's too much, okay, alright.
00:03:21Sometimes I get accused by white people of being racist against Asians, which I think
00:03:26is weird.
00:03:27Like, I had a problem in, um, January I did the Golden Globes and I played a...
00:03:37I played a North Korean general who had to get a selfie with Meryl Streep.
00:03:43It was very exciting and, uh, you know, because I'm Korean, so this was very, you know, it was
00:03:48a good thing.
00:03:48Because I'm, like, the only person, really, that can make fun of Koreans and not be put
00:03:52in a labor camp.
00:03:54So, it's rewarding for me and, uh, you know, I did it and I got a selfie with Meryl Streep
00:04:00and she kissed me after.
00:04:02I was like, oh my god, it was so exciting.
00:04:04And then, um, Benedict Cumberbatch photobombed us, which was great because I'm such a Cumberbatch.
00:04:13And then after we did it, he whispered in my ear, well done.
00:04:18And I was so freaked out that I completely ignored him, like...
00:04:26But all these people, uh, after, all these white people were like, oh, that was racist.
00:04:29How dare you portray a Korean?
00:04:36I don't, I don't know.
00:04:38I, I, I guess I just did it.
00:04:39It's weird that, I think that white people sometimes, I think white people want to tell
00:04:43Asian people how they should feel about race because they're too scared to tell black people.
00:04:57You know, we have less melanin.
00:05:00We're not as intimidating.
00:05:02We're less likely to shut it down.
00:05:06We're just not going to protest, which I'm so down with all the protests for Eric Garner
00:05:11and Ferguson and, you know, that's very important.
00:05:15You know, all these protests about Trayvon and everything.
00:05:18You know, it's, it's really important to protest police brutality
00:05:22because it's not something that's just these incidents.
00:05:25You know, we are talking about many, many years of police brutality,
00:05:28going back to Amadou Diallo and Rodney King.
00:05:31So it's a lot.
00:05:33And, um, I have to say though, whenever, uh, black and white people fight,
00:05:38Asians and Mexicans don't know what to do.
00:05:43You know?
00:05:44We're like, are we, are we white?
00:05:52Not sure.
00:05:52Not sure.
00:05:53Um, I had an incident, I had an incident with a police officer.
00:05:59Uh, it was a guy named Christopher Dorner and he was an LAPD cop and he went crazy.
00:06:06And he was fired from the force and then he shot and killed eight people.
00:06:12And, uh, he went into the mountains and, and just went into hiding
00:06:17and he wrote a manifesto all about his life.
00:06:20And in the manifesto, he said that I was one of the most beautiful women in the world.
00:06:36I was like, oh my God, take it all!
00:06:40Don't kill me!
00:06:46I was just excited because he wasn't talking about the other Asian women that I get jealous of.
00:06:51Like Lucy Lou who?
00:06:56Sandra, oh, I didn't see your name on a manifesto.
00:07:04You know, I think it's really nice when white people are very, you know, they, they want to be conscious
00:07:09of race
00:07:09and they want us to, you know, feel like they, they, they, they're taking care of us somehow.
00:07:14And I, but I don't know what the problem is with fresh off the boat.
00:07:17To me, fresh off the boat is quite a point of pride.
00:07:21You know, like when you're really Asian, you know, like when you, you know, you know people that are really
00:07:25fucking Asian.
00:07:26Like I can be, I can get fucking Asian.
00:07:28Like I, my Korean name is Moran.
00:07:31Moran.
00:07:32That's my name.
00:07:34In my Korean name, it's the name of Kim Jong Il's production company.
00:07:39So that's how Asian that is.
00:07:42Um, I have a friend who's even more Asian.
00:07:44Her name is K.
00:07:50I'm like, oh my God, that's pretty.
00:07:53That's really, wow.
00:07:56How do you spell that?
00:07:57Is that, is that with like a K or a C?
00:08:00It's just like a sound.
00:08:02Okay.
00:08:04So like a Q or like a Q.
00:08:07Just like a sound.
00:08:10Just call me Jay.
00:08:12But I think that like, it's, it's, it's fierce to be that Asian.
00:08:17You know, it's like, we're talking about our heritage and it's awesome.
00:08:20You know, but I, I, I like to sort of feel exotic.
00:08:23You know, I love, I love white dick.
00:08:25You know, I do.
00:08:26I love, I love some white dick.
00:08:28It makes me feel exotic.
00:08:30You know, like I want to put a, I want to put a flower in my hair.
00:08:33Like, they remind me of my homeland.
00:08:51I love that.
00:08:52White dick is not, it's, you know, it's not too big.
00:08:55So it doesn't stretch me out.
00:08:57Not, it's not small.
00:08:59No, cause white dick has got the girth.
00:09:02You know, I'm talking, I'm talking about that Colin girth.
00:09:08I know that's good.
00:09:09I know it's good.
00:09:10It's good.
00:09:11No, I know it's good.
00:09:12No, Colin girth.
00:09:13You know, when it's like, it's like real, like, it's like being fucked with a potato.
00:09:23It's just, I think Asian women, we have a lot of power.
00:09:26You know, we have a lot of, I think Asian women are really beautiful.
00:09:29We're sort of like blondes, but nobody thinks we're stupid.
00:09:36I think if there was an army of Asian women with big boobs, we could solve all of the problems
00:09:42in the Middle East.
00:09:45Because we can make Jews do anything.
00:09:54I mean, if it had been us instead of Moses, it would not have taken 40 years to get out
00:10:00of the desert.
00:10:01They would have followed us no questions asked.
00:10:06Sometimes it's a little bit like, you know, it's like Asian women are too beautiful.
00:10:09Like they're just so beautiful.
00:10:10I think nobody can compare.
00:10:11You saw, you will see good, like, sometimes there's a good couple, like a beautiful Asian woman with like beautiful
00:10:16white man.
00:10:16And you know, it's nice, but sometimes you'll see like a really beautiful Asian woman.
00:10:21And she's with the most fucked up face, broke down, busted white man.
00:10:25And I'm just like, bitch, are your eyes that small?
00:10:42So fresh off the boat is a good thing. I think it's good. I don't think it's racist.
00:10:46I think it's good to be fresh off the boat. You should be proud of it.
00:10:51It's really good.
00:10:56But yeah, the network, they were like, they had such a problem with the name fresh off the boat.
00:11:00They didn't want to call it fresh off the boat.
00:11:02They were like, that's racist. We want to call it far east of Orlando.
00:11:08I think that's more racist. I don't know. I don't know. I just want to do this. This is what
00:11:19I know.
00:11:23I'm so happy to have been on the planet at the same time as Leonard Nimoy.
00:11:30What a great man. What a beautiful life. I mean, really incredible.
00:11:39It's also my favorite character. Like, I really love the character. Like, I love the new Spock, the Zachary Quinto.
00:11:45He's so cute. Like, on the new Star Trek, he's like the most beautiful lesbian Spock I've ever seen.
00:11:50It's so gorgeous. I just want to...
00:11:59It's so fine.
00:12:01I feel like this has been a very tough time.
00:12:06One of the people that I love the most died in August of last year.
00:12:11It's my father in comedy, Robin Williams.
00:12:14It was very hard because he was such a good man.
00:12:18And he was also a great humanitarian.
00:12:21One of the things that he did was he was very concerned about homeless people.
00:12:25And with Comic Relief, he raised $70 million for them.
00:12:29And, you know...
00:12:32Also, when he did movies, there was a clause in his contract that stipulated that a certain percentage of the
00:12:39crew had to be homeless workers.
00:12:41So he was very invested in giving homeless people a dignified wage.
00:12:46And he was a good man.
00:12:47And when he died, I really could not get over it.
00:12:51And I was speaking to a mutual friend of ours, Michael Pritchard, who's a comedian and a homeless activist.
00:12:57And he said, don't grieve Robin.
00:12:59Be Robin.
00:13:01So I went out on the streets of San Francisco with a bunch of comedians and musicians.
00:13:05And we'd stand on the corner and we had a box on it, if you have, give.
00:13:11If you need, take.
00:13:13And we would just perform for hours.
00:13:14And people would come and they would bring food and clothing and money and toiletries and whatever for homeless people.
00:13:20And then homeless people would come take it.
00:13:21And I would find out what people needed.
00:13:24You know, I'd ask homeless people what they wanted.
00:13:25And then I would tweet about it.
00:13:28And so, like, all these girls and women, homeless girls and women were asking for tampons.
00:13:33So I was asking for tampons on Twitter.
00:13:35And people are so mean.
00:13:36You know, they're like, tampons are bad for the vagina.
00:13:40Yeah.
00:13:42Homelessness is bad for the vagina.
00:13:49But it was a very simple kind of a charitable thing.
00:13:53It was perfect charity for me because I didn't have to save any receipts or do any accounting.
00:13:57Because I am the most menopausal stoner.
00:14:00You know, I can't remember shit.
00:14:02I'm like basically a fucking walking extra sketch.
00:14:05I don't know anything ever.
00:14:08So this was perfect for me.
00:14:10And it was a good thing.
00:14:12You know, we were able to give people stuff.
00:14:14And money, giving homeless people money was powerful.
00:14:17You will never see a bigger smile than making it rain on a homeless man.
00:14:23But this was very important.
00:14:24I mean, it was important for me to try to do something, like, active, charitable.
00:14:32I just really was in a lot of pain.
00:14:35Because Robin, who was my father in comedy, died.
00:14:38And then directly after, my mother in comedy died.
00:14:42Joan Rivers.
00:14:43Which I just was very hard to deal with.
00:14:46It was so painful to lose her.
00:14:49Of course my Korean parents, totally fine.
00:14:53Super healthy.
00:14:54Healthier than me.
00:14:56You know, just walking around the golf course.
00:14:57The only thing that happens with old Korean people is that the visor gets longer.
00:15:11But Joan really was my mother in comedy.
00:15:14And she saw herself in me.
00:15:18So she took care of me for a long time.
00:15:21She was my last resort.
00:15:23And I hope that you have this in your life.
00:15:26If you're lucky, you will have a last resort in life.
00:15:28Which is that person that whatever happens to you,
00:15:31you can go to them and they will always make you feel better.
00:15:35And she was mine.
00:15:37That was true.
00:15:39And she was the best.
00:15:46The last time we spoke was in May of last year.
00:15:50And I had done a benefit for a rape center.
00:15:55And I bombed.
00:15:57And that's really sad to bomb in front of rape victims.
00:16:04Because that means you are worse than rape.
00:16:17I mean, there's reasons why I bombed.
00:16:20It's because I am also a rape victim.
00:16:22I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor.
00:16:25So I believe I can make jokes about it if I want to.
00:16:28But they did not agree with me.
00:16:33Not good.
00:16:34And Joan had done the same benefit a year before.
00:16:37And they hated her even more.
00:16:41So when I talked to her about it, she was like,
00:16:43Oh, fuck them.
00:16:44I hope they get raped in the ass.
00:16:59She was the wind beneath my wings.
00:17:11Her funeral was hard.
00:17:12It was all comedians there.
00:17:15Everybody was crying.
00:17:16It was here in New York City.
00:17:17And everybody was crying, crying.
00:17:19It was a big temple.
00:17:21Just everybody, every comedian you know is there.
00:17:24And it was so hard.
00:17:26We were all crying so much because we had lost our mother.
00:17:28And Howard Stern delivered the eulogy.
00:17:31And he was crying.
00:17:32He's crying, which is so sad to see.
00:17:34It's so sad to see him crying.
00:17:36And finally, through the tears, he managed to speak.
00:17:40And he said,
00:17:42Joan Rivers had such a dry pussy.
00:17:52Her pussy was so dry, it was like a sponge.
00:17:59And when she would get in the bathtub, all the water would get absorbed in there.
00:18:09And Joan used to say that if Whitney Houston had as dry a pussy as Joan, she would still be
00:18:28alive today.
00:18:42I feel sorry for Whitney.
00:18:44I feel sorry.
00:18:45You know, I feel sorry for little Bobby Christina.
00:18:47It's hard.
00:18:48That whole family addiction, I understand.
00:18:51That's a tough life.
00:18:52And I've been there.
00:18:53You know, I know.
00:18:54And at my worst point of my own addiction, my own drug problems, Bobby Brown asked me out.
00:19:05And I thought, I need help.
00:19:13I must be fucked up if he likes me.
00:19:17No, because I used to party with Anna Nicole Smith.
00:19:20So that's the level of fucking partying I am talking about.
00:19:23Like, I was super into it.
00:19:25I have, my drug of choice is prescription painkillers.
00:19:30I, great, great.
00:19:31Oh, yeah.
00:19:31Oh, yeah, honey.
00:19:33I know you know, girl.
00:19:35I know you know.
00:19:35I know you, yeah.
00:19:37Woo!
00:19:40My back.
00:19:41Oh.
00:19:42It's all, oh.
00:19:45Oh, honey.
00:19:47What?
00:19:49It's like we have Gatorettes.
00:19:51We just scream.
00:19:52What?
00:19:54Honey, what?
00:19:58It would be good to get, like, some kind of Gatorette.
00:20:00What?
00:20:03You have to go to, like, see a doctor.
00:20:05You have to see a Gatorette special.
00:20:07What?
00:20:07What?
00:20:12I know.
00:20:12It's a good, it's a good high.
00:20:14It's a, but it will fuck you up.
00:20:16Like, I got, I got, like, real, like, into, like, hoarding drugs.
00:20:20You hoard the pills.
00:20:21A hoard.
00:20:22I had my last pill left.
00:20:25And I made a night of it.
00:20:27You know, I, I put my hair up.
00:20:30I put on some Portis head.
00:20:33I lit a Joe Malone candle with multiple wicks.
00:20:37And I had my pill and my wine.
00:20:40Cause I can't have a pill without wine.
00:20:45I'm not a savage!
00:20:51But it's like, you know, it, it, drugs and alcohol at the same time.
00:20:54It's an inexact science.
00:20:57You never really know what's gonna happen.
00:20:58You know, so I drank the wine too quickly with a pill.
00:21:01I don't know.
00:21:01It was too fast.
00:21:03Immediately I got sick.
00:21:05I was like, I'm gonna throw up.
00:21:07And I ran to the toilet.
00:21:08Like, I'm gonna throw up.
00:21:09And I threw up everything in the toilet.
00:21:11And the pill came out a hole.
00:21:17So I was just looking at it.
00:21:22Like, fuck!
00:21:25I'm the only one here.
00:21:29And I just grabbed it and swallowed it with my own bile.
00:21:41I'm not trying to glamorize drug use.
00:21:47I just think that if you're willing to go on the toilet
00:21:50and pluck a pill out of your own vomit
00:21:53and swallow it with your own bile,
00:21:57you deserve to get high.
00:22:07Oh, I wanted to mention my pussy's not dry.
00:22:09My pussy's not dry.
00:22:11My pussy's not dry.
00:22:12But that's just because I have allergies.
00:22:18I miss Joan Rivers.
00:22:19I miss her a lot.
00:22:21I miss her, uh...
00:22:22It's in a daily fashion
00:22:25where I think I wanna...
00:22:27I wanna hear what she would have to say
00:22:29about things that are happening.
00:22:31Like, I wanna know what she would have to say
00:22:32about Bruce Jenner transitioning.
00:22:36Which is fucking fierce.
00:22:38That is fucking fierce!
00:22:40That is a...
00:22:41That's a work!
00:22:43That is...
00:22:43I'm like...
00:22:44When I heard it, I was like,
00:22:45you better work!
00:22:47Like, I was so excited.
00:22:48Because think about how hard that is.
00:22:50You're under that much scrutiny.
00:22:52That fucking...
00:22:52That famous, famous family.
00:22:54And then going through something
00:22:55that is so difficult for anybody.
00:22:57I think he...
00:22:58He's gonna inspire a lot of people.
00:23:00I think kids are gonna see that
00:23:01and go, you know what?
00:23:02I can do this too.
00:23:03You know, while he's doing that.
00:23:04It's like, it's...
00:23:05It's so powerful.
00:23:06That makes you remember!
00:23:07Oh!
00:23:08That guy?
00:23:08He's a fucking Olympian!
00:23:10He has gold medals for a reason.
00:23:12So he better work!
00:23:13He better work!
00:23:15He better work!
00:23:16I'm just...
00:23:16I'm just curious, like, how...
00:23:18Is he gonna transition into a Kardashian?
00:23:20Like, is he gonna go for that?
00:23:22I hope so.
00:23:24I hope so.
00:23:27It would look really fierce.
00:23:29I think that would be good.
00:23:29I don't know.
00:23:30Sometimes the family...
00:23:32Like, I just hope he gets a badonk.
00:23:34Like, I think that if you get...
00:23:36If you get to be in that family,
00:23:37you should have the ass.
00:23:39I'm not sure about Kim's new hair.
00:23:41Kim's new hair is a little Slytherin for me.
00:23:44But...
00:23:45She's got the fierce ass.
00:23:47The ass.
00:23:47That greasy ass.
00:23:48I don't know if it's greasy all the time,
00:23:50or if it's, like, just greasy sometime.
00:23:53I don't know.
00:23:54It's just that ass.
00:23:56It's like...
00:23:57I don't know...
00:23:58That picture in a paper magazine picture,
00:24:00it just...
00:24:00It looks like she's coming up out of a box.
00:24:03It's like an ass in the box.
00:24:05Like...
00:24:10Boing!
00:24:10And it's just a greasy, greasy ass.
00:24:13It's just big.
00:24:15You know?
00:24:15It's just...
00:24:16I think, you know,
00:24:17I'm impressed by it,
00:24:19because Asian women,
00:24:20we've got a lot,
00:24:21but we don't have the ass.
00:24:22I don't have...
00:24:22I don't...
00:24:23I have, like, a fold.
00:24:27Fold.
00:24:27Not a ass.
00:24:28I just don't have that part.
00:24:32You know?
00:24:32A fat vagina.
00:24:36Flat ass.
00:24:38Fat vagina.
00:24:39That's...
00:24:40That's never gonna be in fashion.
00:24:46There's no songs about that.
00:24:50It's where I carry my weight.
00:24:52You know, I don't...
00:24:53I have no junk in the trunk.
00:24:55I have junk under the hood.
00:25:02Which you would like there to be some kind of,
00:25:05you know, some fat...
00:25:06You don't want a flat pussy.
00:25:07Like, that's not good either.
00:25:08You don't want, like, a...
00:25:09Like, a origami...
00:25:12Pussy.
00:25:15That's not good.
00:25:17That just looks like it would hurt.
00:25:19You know? It's like...
00:25:21I ain't touching that.
00:25:22I'm gonna get a paper cut.
00:25:28And you don't want, like, a really muscly pussy either.
00:25:30Like, that...
00:25:31That...
00:25:31That Sports Illustrated cover girl, right?
00:25:33Her...
00:25:34Her pussy's...
00:25:35Muscly.
00:25:35It's like...
00:25:37That's that...
00:25:37Oh, muscle.
00:25:38Like, it's like...
00:25:39You don't want it to...
00:25:40Like, that...
00:25:41Pussy.
00:25:42Mus...
00:25:43Muscly pussy.
00:25:44My pussy.
00:25:44My pussy.
00:25:45Like, it's just so mus...
00:25:47Like, what are we gonna crack a walnut with that pussy?
00:25:49Like, what...
00:25:50So muscly.
00:25:52My pussy.
00:25:53Muscly.
00:25:54It's just so...
00:25:55It's too much.
00:25:56It's a little bit...
00:25:56Hard.
00:25:57You want some softness.
00:25:59I think...
00:26:00Like, a pussy should be, like, soft enough...
00:26:02Like, you could lay your head on it.
00:26:07And...
00:26:07And listen to the ocean.
00:26:18Like, you want it to look comfortable.
00:26:23Um...
00:26:24The ideal vagina should look like a neck pillow that you get on an airplane.
00:26:36Like, oh, I'm in business class.
00:26:38I'm in business...
00:26:38I'm in business class.
00:26:43I gain all my weight there.
00:26:45That's where I...
00:26:46You know, I...
00:26:49Flat...
00:26:50Stomach...
00:26:50Fat...
00:26:51Pussy.
00:26:51That's just...
00:26:52That's where I gain every...
00:26:53You know, I eat something.
00:26:54It goes right there.
00:26:56A moment on the lips.
00:26:58A lifetime on the lips.
00:27:09This is where Joan Rivers and I would disagree on stuff.
00:27:13Because she always thought I was fat.
00:27:15So she always was like...
00:27:18You're so fucking fat.
00:27:19If you gain any more fucking weight, I'm gonna fucking die.
00:27:25So...
00:27:34My bad.
00:27:41This is where I disagree with her.
00:27:43I don't think...
00:27:44I don't think it's right to sort of talk about people's weight.
00:27:47I think people are beautiful at any weight, but she was very critical about it.
00:27:50And then, like, when she was dying, she was in the hospital.
00:27:53I just wanted to whisper in her ear, like,
00:27:55Bitch, don't go into the light.
00:27:58Elizabeth Taylor is in that light.
00:28:01You called her fat so many times, she's gonna beat your ass for eternity!
00:28:09Elizabeth Taylor was the greatest fag hag who ever lived.
00:28:21And, uh, her main gay was Montgomery Clift.
00:28:25And one night, they were at a dinner party in the 1950s.
00:28:28They got real drunk.
00:28:29They left separately.
00:28:30And Montgomery Clift got about halfway down the hill.
00:28:33He gets in a terrible car accident.
00:28:35And Elizabeth Taylor heard it with her extra-sensitive fag-hag hearing.
00:28:42Because you know when your gay is in trouble.
00:28:44You get...
00:28:48Like a spidey sense, and you can feel when your gay is in trouble.
00:28:52So, Elizabeth Taylor hears her gay in trouble.
00:28:56She runs down the hill.
00:28:57She sees Montgomery Clift bleeding in the street.
00:29:00And she goes to him.
00:29:01She takes her hand, puts it down his throat,
00:29:04pulls out teeth that had been lodged in his throat.
00:29:08Saved his life.
00:29:09That is what a fag hag will do for you.
00:29:13Right?
00:29:16Put her hand down your throat.
00:29:19Pull out teeth.
00:29:20Save your life.
00:29:22And Montgomery Clift...
00:29:24No gag reflex.
00:29:33Some people are just meant to be friends.
00:29:37Are there fag-hags here?
00:29:38Are there fag-hags here?
00:29:39Fag-hags?
00:29:40Yeah!
00:29:44Yay!
00:29:46It's a good one.
00:29:46I don't like the name.
00:29:47I don't like the name.
00:29:49Fruit Fly.
00:29:49Fruit Fly is better because Fruit Fly is like,
00:29:52we're all buzzing around the wine.
00:29:53Like...
00:29:54Like, Queen, you better give me some wine.
00:29:59Fag-hags is...
00:30:00It's a historical term.
00:30:02It comes from the era...
00:30:03It's from the era of, like, Armistead Mopin's books,
00:30:06Tales of the City,
00:30:07which is all about San Francisco in the 70s,
00:30:10and...
00:30:11So it's a woman who hangs out with gay men.
00:30:12It's a fag-hag.
00:30:13And then, uh...
00:30:15A man who hangs out with lesbians
00:30:16is a Dutch boy.
00:30:20Because he wants to put his finger in the dike.
00:30:28These are, like, historical terms.
00:30:30But I'm not happy with fag-hag.
00:30:32I don't like to say fag,
00:30:34and I don't like to say hag.
00:30:36I'm not flattering.
00:30:38So Fruit Fly, uh...
00:30:39Queen Magnet, another one.
00:30:42Uh, uh...
00:30:42Yeah, that's a good one.
00:30:43It's cute.
00:30:44It's cute.
00:30:44Um, I think that we, uh...
00:30:46really need to call it what it really is.
00:30:49Dick Widow.
00:30:57Because that's what you are.
00:30:58It's Dick Widow.
00:30:59Because you know, like,
00:31:00when you go out to the gay bar
00:31:01with your friend,
00:31:02and it's so fun,
00:31:02you get all done up before,
00:31:04and it's like, it's fierce,
00:31:05and they, you know,
00:31:06they do your brows,
00:31:07and it's a whole thing.
00:31:08It's so fun.
00:31:09And then you get to the gay bar,
00:31:11and it's great,
00:31:12until the dicking hour.
00:31:15There's a time where all gay men
00:31:17remember they're gay.
00:31:18Like, oh shit, I'm gay!
00:31:19I need some dick!
00:31:20I need to get some dick!
00:31:22Oh!
00:31:22I forgot I was gay!
00:31:24And like, they remember all at once.
00:31:26It's like a natural phenomenon.
00:31:28It's like all the salmon
00:31:29swimming upstream.
00:31:30You know, it's like,
00:31:30everybody at one time,
00:31:32like, oh, I gotta get dick right now!
00:31:33I gotta get dick!
00:31:34I gotta go!
00:31:34Where'd I dig at?
00:31:35You know, they start looking for dick.
00:31:36And then if you're a woman in that situation,
00:31:38there's no reason for you to be there.
00:31:40They don't want you.
00:31:42They're like,
00:31:42Girl, did you download that Uber app
00:31:44like I told you to?
00:31:50And then you are just a dick widow
00:31:51in that situation.
00:31:52So I need to create a rideshare app.
00:31:56It's a dick widow app
00:31:58where it's just my face on your phone,
00:32:00and if you're in that situation,
00:32:03just press it,
00:32:04and then, you know,
00:32:04I'll come pick you up,
00:32:05and I'll take you to Kathy Griffin's house.
00:32:18She is head widow.
00:32:20Head dick widow.
00:32:21Now that Joan is dead,
00:32:22we report to Kathy Griffin.
00:32:27Head hag.
00:32:29She's my friend for, like, 27 years.
00:32:31She's so fancy.
00:32:33Like, so much more fancy than me.
00:32:35Like, we were going to Las Vegas for the weekend.
00:32:37We live in Los Angeles.
00:32:38So we're going to Las Vegas.
00:32:39The morning we're going to leave,
00:32:41she calls me, like,
00:32:43she's like,
00:32:43Hey, do you want to split a private plane?
00:32:49What?
00:32:49How much is that going to be?
00:32:53Because it's $50 on Southwest.
00:33:06So if it's more than that,
00:33:07I'm going to have to borrow some money.
00:33:12It was $50,000.
00:33:16Cause she white.
00:33:22She's fierce.
00:33:23She's fierce.
00:33:24She has the best gay.
00:33:26Ooh, I covet my neighbor's gay.
00:33:28Ooh, okay.
00:33:30It's fine.
00:33:30It's Anderson Cooper.
00:33:31Ooh, he fine.
00:33:33Ooh.
00:33:33Ooh, he fine.
00:33:34But don't.
00:33:35Don't even look at him.
00:33:36Don't even.
00:33:37Don't try it.
00:33:37She will cut a bitch.
00:33:39So don't.
00:33:39Don't try it.
00:33:40She has already peed in a circle around him.
00:33:44So.
00:33:49You best step off.
00:33:51Do you have, like, a fantasy gay?
00:33:53Like a fantasy.
00:33:54Who's your fantasy gay?
00:33:56Anderson Cooper.
00:33:57I know.
00:33:58He's the.
00:33:58I like a bit of Matt Bomer.
00:34:00Ooh, he fine.
00:34:03But I also, like, I like to, you know, like, I like to, I like a troubled gay.
00:34:07Also like a George Michael.
00:34:08You know, I love to rescue a bitch.
00:34:11So it's, yeah.
00:34:12I like, I have a crystal meth rescue at my house right now.
00:34:15I'm fostering a few gays that have a lot of problems.
00:34:17But you know, like, he's got problems.
00:34:19Like, George Michael, he does drugs.
00:34:21He got high.
00:34:22He fell asleep in his car.
00:34:24I'm like, Queen, why did you fall asleep in your car?
00:34:27Did Elton John give you a poison apple?
00:34:32You, you just, I just love him.
00:34:35You know, I love, I love that.
00:34:37I've always been, you know, just attracted to gay men.
00:34:40Sometimes you will inherit a gay from your mother.
00:34:45That's very common when you, you get a hand-me-down gay.
00:34:49Like, oh, you remember your Uncle Ron?
00:34:52Well, Ron is gonna babysit you from now on because Ron got a DUI.
00:35:00So then you have an old gay man and a little girl,
00:35:02which is the best relationship possible.
00:35:05That is a power couple.
00:35:09He will watch Twilight as many times as you want.
00:35:13He loves Justin Bieber just as much as you do.
00:35:17He has the same strong and confusing feelings about horses.
00:35:26And yes, you are going to the One Direction concerts.
00:35:31But it's a good, it's a good relationship.
00:35:33And then a lot of those guys are gone now.
00:35:36So I'm, now I'm searching for younger gay men to hang out with.
00:35:40You know, I gotta secure my future.
00:35:43You know, I gotta prepare.
00:35:45I need somebody to push my wheelchair.
00:35:48I'm like trolling for the young gays.
00:35:51You know, hanging outside the movie theater.
00:35:54Waiting for Into the Woods to let out.
00:35:56You know, you just gotta troll.
00:35:57You gotta troll.
00:35:59Look around.
00:36:00Looking for the young gay.
00:36:01I have a really young gay friend.
00:36:02He is 20.
00:36:04And he's like so nice.
00:36:05And he got really high.
00:36:07And he texted me.
00:36:09He's like, I'm a guy.
00:36:10I'm so stoned.
00:36:11I just saw my first fussy.
00:36:14And I think he meant to write pussy.
00:36:20But his iPhone auto-corrected it.
00:36:25Either that or, that's what he felt when he saw it.
00:36:40Have you ever seen a vagina?
00:36:42Sir?
00:36:43What is this?
00:36:44Wait a second.
00:36:50Oh, I could see the PTSD.
00:36:53The pussy PTSD in your face.
00:36:55You were like...
00:36:59When did you...
00:37:00When did you see a vagina?
00:37:01When did...
00:37:02Was it while you were coming out of it?
00:37:05Like...
00:37:10No!
00:37:12No!
00:37:17No!
00:37:19No!
00:37:29No!
00:37:32No!
00:37:38No!
00:37:40No!
00:37:42No!
00:37:44No!
00:37:44No!
00:37:45No!
00:37:46No!
00:37:50No!
00:37:53No!
00:37:54No!
00:37:54No!
00:37:55No!
00:37:55No!
00:37:55like you ate it it was like so wait a second you wait you still wait okay so like go
00:38:03back to the
00:38:04what happened what happened why did you why was it your friend's mother that's so eddie haskell of
00:38:10you oh so you then you she asked she was like
00:38:23okay no no no i mean i'm sure you know it's like but that was the only time you ever
00:38:29i mean it's like you're like
00:38:37i know and these queens are freaking out these queens are just like don't even know
00:38:41no no no i can't please oh oh it's a very you can't you just you can't you couldn't do
00:38:53it
00:38:53because we're like no have you have you ever eaten pussy before you just you you'll fight
00:38:59first of all first of all this is what you did you grab your pearls
00:39:08no no no you had to you had to clutch your pearls like
00:39:15well you're brave i mean you did it you did it you tried
00:39:19it wasn't you knew now you're like okay no no that's that's a good
00:39:36so you got your red wings is what you're saying you got your red wings
00:39:41you're like a biker you're like a biker i'm impressed that's amazing good for you
00:39:47what if you had to eat pussy though what
00:39:56like what if you had to eat pussy what if you had to eat pussy for charity
00:40:03yes what well like like if it was like the ice bucket challenge and you
00:40:12you didn't want to do it but you got nominated on facebook and
00:40:20what if you had to do it what if you had to
00:40:29you know it was for a good cause so then you were just whatever you had
00:40:33you were just then you're
00:40:36to do it
00:41:02but you'd be
00:41:23I bet you would have to
00:41:24eat a lot of grass
00:41:32although dick would be delicious
00:41:33after that
00:41:34dick would taste really
00:41:35oh yeah
00:41:52well good for you
00:41:53you tried it
00:41:56you know
00:41:56sometimes we
00:41:58we really
00:41:58need to figure out
00:41:59who we are
00:42:00and often
00:42:01I think
00:42:01we are more
00:42:02than our relationships
00:42:03you know
00:42:04and so you discover
00:42:05and you grow
00:42:06I always
00:42:08had
00:42:08very curious
00:42:09when people really know
00:42:10who they are
00:42:11you know
00:42:11because I always had
00:42:12kind of
00:42:13different feelings about it
00:42:14I'm actually bisexual
00:42:16so I have both
00:42:17you know
00:42:18I have
00:42:18serious feelings
00:42:20about
00:42:21both
00:42:22I
00:42:22I started off
00:42:23very much a lesbian
00:42:24and I had a girlfriend
00:42:26and we looked
00:42:28exactly alike
00:42:28we were like
00:42:30those freaky gays
00:42:31who look exactly alike
00:42:32we looked exactly alike
00:42:33and we shared
00:42:34a vibrating egg
00:42:37this is a vibrating egg
00:42:38and we would pass it
00:42:39between each other
00:42:41it was real
00:42:42March of the Penguins
00:42:52and then I realized
00:42:54that there is
00:42:55a side of me
00:42:57that likes dick
00:43:05the inside
00:43:11so you know
00:43:11I mean
00:43:12I'm very
00:43:12you know
00:43:12I like both
00:43:13I think what I really love
00:43:14most of all
00:43:15sex toys
00:43:15I love
00:43:17that's my favorite thing
00:43:18is sex toys
00:43:19it's really fun
00:43:20and exciting
00:43:21and every time I get it
00:43:22I'm in a new relationship
00:43:23with a woman
00:43:24that's the great joy
00:43:25of having sex with a woman
00:43:26is you always get to get
00:43:26new sex toys
00:43:27so if you get a new girlfriend
00:43:28you gotta go get a new cock
00:43:29you gotta go get a new dildo
00:43:31celebrate your love
00:43:32with a new dildo
00:43:33it's really exciting
00:43:34I always have to get
00:43:36the biggest one
00:43:36whenever I go to the
00:43:38you know
00:43:38sex store
00:43:39I gotta get the biggest cock
00:43:40they have
00:43:41I gotta get the veiniest cock
00:43:42you know
00:43:43I gotta get the
00:43:44most giant one
00:43:45you know
00:43:45I'm like
00:43:45hey can I see the one
00:43:46that looks like a pylon
00:43:47I want that one
00:43:48that's a giant
00:43:49big one
00:43:50I have to get the biggest
00:43:51cause my eyes are bigger
00:43:52than my pussy
00:43:53gotta get the biggest one
00:43:56and then if you do that
00:43:57for a long time
00:43:58you will get stretched out
00:43:59and it kinda
00:44:00wouldn't matter
00:44:01if you had
00:44:03you know
00:44:03if you stayed with women
00:44:05then you could just
00:44:05get a bigger
00:44:06there's always gonna be
00:44:07a bigger dildo
00:44:07but with men
00:44:09it's a little different
00:44:10so you know
00:44:11it'll stretch you out
00:44:12and I just feel weird
00:44:14cause I'm also trying
00:44:15to have a baby
00:44:16right now
00:44:17I would like to have a kid
00:44:17but
00:44:20and my first boyfriend
00:44:21offered to
00:44:22be the father
00:44:23but I'm kind of embarrassed
00:44:24to fuck him now
00:44:25cause he was like
00:44:26the first person in there
00:44:28so if I fucked him now
00:44:29he'd be like
00:44:30wow you've done a lot
00:44:31with this place
00:44:36I thought there was
00:44:37a wall there before
00:44:38I guess that's
00:44:43I do
00:44:44I do really love
00:44:44the sex toy thing
00:44:46but if you keep using them
00:44:47you will get addicted
00:44:47you do
00:44:48you vibrator fans
00:44:49you like vibrator
00:44:50it's fun
00:44:51what kind of vibrator
00:44:52do you have
00:44:55oh
00:44:56why
00:45:00oh the magic wand
00:45:01is the best
00:45:02the magic wand
00:45:03is really really
00:45:04the magic wand
00:45:05it's like really
00:45:09the magic wand
00:45:10is solid
00:45:10because you know
00:45:11it will last
00:45:12for a long time
00:45:13and you know
00:45:13it's not like
00:45:14a confusing vibration
00:45:15like the vibrator
00:45:17that makes me confused
00:45:18is the rabbit
00:45:19cause the rabbit
00:45:20is like this
00:45:20but then it's also
00:45:21like this
00:45:22so it's like
00:45:22what do I
00:45:23you know
00:45:24what do I
00:45:25what do I do
00:45:25what do I do
00:45:26it's too confusing
00:45:29I like the steadiness
00:45:30I like the steadiness
00:45:30of the magic wand
00:45:31the
00:45:35it's so loud
00:45:36like it's like
00:45:37really loud
00:45:37and then you know
00:45:38I look out the window
00:45:39all my neighbors
00:45:40TVs are all fucked up
00:45:44like the street lights
00:45:45are going off
00:45:46and on
00:45:49my neighbors
00:45:50are protesting
00:45:50because everybody
00:45:51thinks I'm fracking
00:45:57I do
00:45:57I do love
00:45:58the magic wand
00:45:59but then
00:46:00like do you have
00:46:00sex with women
00:46:01or men
00:46:02or both
00:46:03both yeah
00:46:03so I mean
00:46:04it's like
00:46:04it's great with women
00:46:05but then when you
00:46:06use it like
00:46:07with a guy
00:46:07it's kind of
00:46:08intimidating
00:46:09it's hard to
00:46:09introduce it
00:46:10into
00:46:11you know
00:46:11because I feel
00:46:12so butch
00:46:12you know
00:46:13I'm like
00:46:13hang on
00:46:13I gotta go
00:46:14to the garage
00:46:17you know
00:46:17it's very
00:46:21guys get intimidated
00:46:23by that
00:46:24so it's always
00:46:25a weird thing
00:46:25and I don't know
00:46:26like it's a
00:46:27and like
00:46:28I definitely feel
00:46:30like lesbian
00:46:31you know
00:46:31but I think
00:46:32sometimes lesbians
00:46:32don't acknowledge me
00:46:33as a lesbian
00:46:35because I
00:46:35am neither butch
00:46:36nor femme
00:46:37so I'm like
00:46:38kind of in the middle
00:46:38I'm like a
00:46:40Marcy
00:46:41femme
00:46:43Marcy was
00:46:43Peppermint Patty's
00:46:44girlfriend
00:46:45that's my level
00:46:46of a femme
00:46:48I want
00:46:49I want to be
00:46:49more butch
00:46:50you know
00:46:50like I want
00:46:50to be
00:46:51my favorite
00:46:52kind of lesbian
00:46:52is like
00:46:53the gay pride
00:46:54volunteer
00:46:55you know
00:46:56like I'm a
00:46:56volunteer
00:46:58yeah
00:46:58I signed up
00:46:59I'm a volunteer
00:47:00you know
00:47:01because they got
00:47:01a headset
00:47:02they got a
00:47:02headset
00:47:03and a bunch
00:47:04of keys
00:47:04and a walkie
00:47:05talkie
00:47:06and I'm a
00:47:06volunteer
00:47:07I'm a volunteer
00:47:07sir you can't
00:47:08park there
00:47:08you can't
00:47:09park there
00:47:09sir
00:47:09sir
00:47:11sir
00:47:11I'm gonna
00:47:12have to
00:47:12move my car
00:47:12sir you can't
00:47:13park there
00:47:14sir
00:47:14I love that
00:47:15they're so
00:47:17authoritative
00:47:17they're all
00:47:18entitled
00:47:18you know
00:47:19like they got
00:47:20knighted
00:47:21with a double
00:47:21ended dildo
00:47:27I did a show
00:47:28a gay pride
00:47:29celebration show
00:47:29and it was
00:47:30outdoors
00:47:30and there was
00:47:31a windstorm
00:47:32during the show
00:47:33and a tree
00:47:33branch fell
00:47:34on the stage
00:47:35and everything
00:47:35was okay
00:47:36but all the
00:47:37headset lesbians
00:47:37are like
00:47:38what's going on
00:47:38what's going on
00:47:39what's going on
00:47:40what's
00:47:41branch
00:47:41you can't
00:47:42park there
00:47:44I don't
00:47:44have a
00:47:45key for
00:47:45this
00:47:48it's like
00:47:49very
00:47:50powerful
00:47:51I want to
00:47:51be like
00:47:52that
00:47:52but I
00:47:53just have
00:47:53never been
00:47:54sort of
00:47:55comfortable
00:47:55within the
00:47:56lesbian
00:47:56community
00:47:57because I'm
00:47:57not
00:47:57I don't
00:47:58seem like
00:47:59a true
00:48:00lesbian
00:48:00or something
00:48:01I did
00:48:01a show
00:48:01in England
00:48:03and this
00:48:04woman came
00:48:04up
00:48:04after the
00:48:05show
00:48:06and she's
00:48:06like
00:48:07can I
00:48:08offer you
00:48:08some
00:48:08criticism
00:48:14yeah
00:48:16well I
00:48:17saw your
00:48:17show
00:48:18and I
00:48:19just felt
00:48:19there's not
00:48:20really enough
00:48:20lesbian
00:48:20representation
00:48:22there's not
00:48:23really enough
00:48:23lesbian
00:48:24representation
00:48:24there's not
00:48:26really enough
00:48:26lesbian
00:48:26representation
00:48:28there's not
00:48:29really enough
00:48:29lesbian
00:48:30representation
00:48:30not really
00:48:32enough
00:48:32lesbian
00:48:33representation
00:48:35is it
00:48:37because I
00:48:37don't have
00:48:37keys
00:48:40I don't have keys not enough lesbian representation she was like really hipster lesbian so she only
00:48:46had hair on one side of her head not enough lesbian representation I was like what happened to your
00:48:58hair your cat just there's not enough left side of your head representation I'm just determined to
00:49:15be out in all of my ways I just you know I feel like it's important for me I don't
00:49:21understand
00:49:21when people aren't out or when they actively don't want to be gay I think it's so much better to
00:49:27be gay
00:49:27it's so fun you know it's really it's just exciting we just have a good time all the time but
00:49:36it's weird
00:49:36when people are like closeted or like when they like like like Michelle Bachman freaks me out with
00:49:41her husband Marcus Bachman they're he it's so weird because he is fucking gay and fucking gay but then
00:49:50he also he teaches a class on how to be straight I guess those who can't do teach
00:50:06it's just like confusing to me like I like I I want to you know I I want to say
00:50:11that I don't know if
00:50:12he's gay but I really enjoy hagging him is uh somebody I I I will tell you don't tell anybody
00:50:21um John Travolta he is just an amazing guy and I'm not I I'm not sure if you really understand
00:50:31how
00:50:31gay he is he may not actually be a homosexual but he act gay I mean he like I I
00:50:37I hacked him for like a
00:50:38year and he's like not just like homosexual he's like Oscar Wilde gay like he's like he's like Lord
00:50:43Byron gay like I mean he'd be wearing a cravat to soak up the semen like you know you know
00:50:49like
00:50:51you know like that kind of he's that kind of queen like to suck a cock with his pinky out
00:50:55like
00:51:07not that I know I mean I'm not sure if he is but I'm just conjecture just speculative at this
00:51:13point but I I feel bad for him like because I think that you know if people really knew who
00:51:16he
00:51:17was they would just really love him because I think he's hilarious and a great guy I worked with
00:51:21him for a year on face-off which was a hard movie to make because he doesn't have to work
00:51:26very many
00:51:26hours um he only has to work 10 hours a day and that includes flying his plane from the set
00:51:32to the
00:51:33location and flying back so really it's just a few hours a day and John Woo who directed the movie
00:51:37is a
00:51:37big Hong Kong director so he's not used to that he's used to Hong Kong actors who will shoot 24
00:51:43hours a
00:51:44day and then they'll do all their own stunts and then they'll go home and sew a bunch of Nike
00:51:48shoes
00:51:54you know and then sell their girl children and come back to set you know and uh it's it's
00:52:02it's incredible that uh somebody that can be so famous and so closeted and you know it's it's hard
00:52:09you know I feel bad for him because he has a couple of lawsuits now against him um two male
00:52:15they came forward to say that they had been sexually harassed by John Travolta and the only
00:52:22reason the police believed them is because uh the two masseuses described John's asshole so perfectly
00:52:29to the police sketch artist that it was like
00:52:35this is no coincidence
00:52:42I just feel bad you know be out be honest it's like such a weird world the world right now
00:52:47is so
00:52:47hard you have to just be honest and truthful and appreciative like I think it's very important to
00:52:54be out it's very important to be feminist it's weird I was in Canada and uh there was this there's
00:53:01the whole thing um the very very famous uh broadcaster he's a his name is John Gomeshi he's
00:53:07like really famous and he was fired from radio there because 10 women came forward and said that
00:53:14he went on dates with them and on the dates he punched them and choked them and um it was
00:53:21really
00:53:21shocking and John is somebody that I know really will for a long time and I've been trying to fuck
00:53:26him
00:53:26for like 10 years but like I don't go to Canada that much because uh do you want so I
00:53:33don't go
00:53:33up there but then I was like thinking back of all the times that I was alone with him and
00:53:38I'm like oh
00:53:38my god he never tried to punch me do I look like I can't take a punch
00:53:47but I was proud of Canadian women coming forward and saying what happened you know because in America
00:53:52we tend to blame the victim this is a very blame the victim kind of a culture and you know
00:53:57like
00:53:57here like Ray Rice is a good example what a horrible person Ray Rice is horrible you know you see
00:54:03him
00:54:04punch out his fiancee in an elevator and then drag her out and it's all on video it's all you
00:54:10plain
00:54:10that you see it but nobody talks about how terrible he is all anybody ever says is well why did
00:54:16she stay
00:54:17why did she stay why did she stay why did she stay I'm like I don't know maybe they had
00:54:22Book of Mormon
00:54:23tickets you know how you'll stay in a fucked up relationship because you just got tickets
00:54:38hopefully that is nobody tonight
00:54:46but in Canada women were not having it you know women they were they ran Gian Gomeschi out of Canada
00:54:51so he's in America somewhere he's being courted by the NFL you know he's uh he's he's recording a song
00:55:00with Chris Brown oh no no he's on tour with Bill Cosby and it's just so sick you know all
00:55:10this stuff is going on like
00:55:11last year 250 school girls were kidnapped from Nigeria they were taken by an extremist group called Boko Haram
00:55:19who believe that women should not have education so finally Nigeria negotiated the release of the girls
00:55:27I don't know what they did the Nigeria sent some sort of email over there like dear kind sir
00:55:31we will give you 50 million dollars just give us the girls and your pin number like whatever they said
00:55:38they were acquired the release of the girls but now Boko Haram is saying oh no these girls have all
00:55:43been
00:55:43married off I don't think so no they haven't been married these are like 10 11 12 year old girls
00:55:49that's
00:55:50not that that's not right you can't marry those girls off I feel like now at this point we just
00:55:54have
00:55:55to go get them like let's just go get I want to put together a badass crew of pissed off
00:56:00women
00:56:00to just go over there just let's just go get them you know like I feel like if I word
00:56:08it in the right
00:56:08way Oprah will charter us a plane you know if I just say okay Gail can come you know it's
00:56:16cool it's cool
00:56:17it's cool and we'll just I said you know I'm I'm looking for I want you to go you know
00:56:21so if you do
00:56:22CrossFit I want you um hey if you do curves like two times a week
00:56:30it's enough we'll get together we'll train we'll all hang out so much we get on the same cycle
00:56:39and then we will go the week before
00:56:44yeah
00:56:52yeah I'm talking about shark week
00:56:57so we will go and we will teach Boko Haram a lesson about women and education
00:57:01so yeah I think I want to put together a crew I want Michelle Rodriguez uh I want Ronda Rousey
00:57:08I want the scary Japanese bitches from the grudge and the ring you know the
00:57:18I want Cagney and Lacey I want Ruth Bader Ginsburg
00:57:26I want Courtney Love you know you know Courtney Love cannot wait to behead somebody
00:57:38judge Judy
00:57:43and Bruce Jenner
00:57:46he's so good he's so good
00:57:53I like thinking about my my bucket list like if I have a bucket list it would be first I
00:57:58want to go to India
00:57:59and throw acid in the face of every man who ever threw acid in the face of a woman that
00:58:04would be great
00:58:05I feel really good just a wicked witch some motherfucker who did that it'd just be great
00:58:10then I want to go to Russia I want to kill every gay basher that I ever saw on the
00:58:13internet
00:58:16I want to come back here I want to kill every child molester every rapist
00:58:21anybody who unnecessarily abused an animal
00:58:25oh yeah Michael Vick's fucking dead
00:58:28fucking dead
00:58:29a whole bunch of Catholic priests are going down
00:58:32like Jerry Sandusky fucking dead
00:58:35all the fucking people that killed Matthew Shepard fucking dead
00:58:38and I I'm serious like so many fucking going down I want to go I want to go to South
00:58:43Africa and kill Oscar Pistorius
00:58:45I would give him like a 10 second running head start and then it would be over for the Blade
00:58:51Runner
00:58:52then I want to come back here I want to get Robert Blake I want to get Phil Spector and
00:58:55I would save OJ for last
00:58:58because there is no I in team but there is a Cho in Psycho
00:59:17because I don't care anymore I don't give a shit
00:59:20I don't care you know I I I don't have to worry about it I'm I'm alone in the world
00:59:25I'm single
00:59:25which is weird I'm single I'm in this fucked up divorce and it's weird but to be single
00:59:32in the the age of the internet which is new I and I'm just I'm just trying to fuck everybody
00:59:37that I can
00:59:38and I don't really know how to fuck people in an age of the internet like the apps are confusing
00:59:44like tinder I don't know what that is and then a okay cupid I don't understand the only app that
00:59:49I know how to use is Craigslist so I just fuck people off Craigslist you know I bought a bike
00:59:56one
00:59:56time so that's familiar you know the interface and uh so this guy came over from Craigslist this hot
01:00:05Mexican guy hot Mexican guy came over and he wanted me to duct tape him to the wall so I
01:00:15was like
01:00:16um okay I I gotta move anyway so just uh all right I duct tape his hands to the wall
01:00:25like that and then
01:00:27he pulls his knees up to his chest and he starts sucking his own cock
01:00:40these people they come here they take our jobs
01:01:05I fucked this guy in France he was real sneaky he was real sneaky because like while we're fucking
01:01:11he he starts patting around my asshole real tentatively like he didn't want me to find out
01:01:22I don't think that's right I don't think you should pat around the asshole tentatively you know
01:01:27if you're gonna put your fingers in somebody's hole do it with some conviction you know really
01:01:34put your fingers in the hole like commit to the action like it's a bowling ball put your fingers in
01:01:39hole like just follow through don't pat around the asshole like he's patting around the asshole like
01:01:50he's applying eye cream to my asshole
01:01:58for some reason I am really not searching out women uh that I don't know I think it's because that
01:02:05I
01:02:05really do fall in love with women much more and so I'm trying to protect my heart to some degree
01:02:10um there's also certain lesbian sex things I don't like I do not like it when my pussy is eaten
01:02:19I know that's very controversial to say that's very that's like that's like that's like I don't like quinoa
01:02:28this tofu is bland I don't know there's I don't know something about it when somebody's mouth is
01:02:33down there it just feels like a a muppet is down there and the muppet I think it is is
01:02:40beaker
01:02:49I don't know I don't know I just don't like it but I'm not gonna tell I'm not gonna say
01:02:52to anybody
01:02:53don't eat my pussy because that's rude to say and then I fucked this guy who was on he was
01:03:01on the
01:03:01mission to kill Osama bin Laden so I'm not gonna tell him don't eat my pussy
01:03:09because I'm a patriot
01:03:16so instead I said hey let's go have some Thai food let's go have some Thai food because you
01:03:22can't eat pussy after you eat Thai food it's too spicy so after we ate Thai food I was like
01:03:28remember
01:03:28we had Thai food we had we had Thai food and then you know what he did he spit on
01:03:36my asshole
01:03:40the second my back is turned that's that's what you do that's special ops for you
01:03:50it burned oh it was it was like he maced my asshole it was like my asshole was coming to
01:03:58attack him
01:04:01my family is so proud of me by the way let's just let me just tell you I'm so proud
01:04:06of our island I'm so proud that we come to America and I'm so proud so proud
01:04:16we were so Asian we were like all the food in my lunchbox had eyes
01:04:23always had some kind of intestinal parasite always like some kind of tapeworm and then I always just
01:04:29looked fucked up because I was super skinny and then I always had lice so I just always had a
01:04:34shaved head
01:04:35so I looked terrible like I always looked like I was running from a burning village like
01:04:44and I was very gay as a kid it's very hard to grow up gay and if you're a gay
01:04:49adult you really owe it to
01:04:51gay kids like if you ever see gay kids around or they see you you have to like always look
01:04:55happy
01:04:56always be smiling holding your partner's hand just kicking ass at life you know make sure they see you
01:05:02buying a lot of shit at Whole Foods having a good time always just so they know that it's possible
01:05:08to survive that they may grow up to be you that's what you need to do it's an important thing
01:05:14be the
01:05:14example that they need it's hard very hard
01:05:24like I remember being just a super gay kid and and it was very tough is that I got bullied
01:05:30a lot but
01:05:31then ignored a lot and I remember you know being in a school assembly and there's hundreds of
01:05:36children there and I was sitting there on a bench by myself and nobody would sit next to me you
01:05:42know
01:05:42because I was a creepy gay kid nobody would sit next to me and kids are sitting on each other's
01:05:46laps
01:05:47and on each other's feet but nobody would sit next to me and I just sat there and I thought
01:05:52I am the loneliest kid in the world and then I thought I am a star
01:06:08so you have to be you know just to have that energy when you see gay kids around because you
01:06:12know when you see gay kids when you see a little gay boy and he's like
01:06:17you know you gotta fan that flame
01:06:24my family like they're really they really never understood what I was doing when I was growing up
01:06:28and now they're very into it now they're very excited and like I was showing my mother how to
01:06:32use YouTube and I showed I showed my mother a video of Miley Cyrus twerking
01:06:39and all she said was oh she's shaking out all of her luck
01:06:53it was always very hard to to get any kind of acceptance within the Korean community for me
01:06:58and then as I got older too because I also I'm very different I have a lot of tattoos
01:07:02a lot which is very controversial in Korean culture
01:07:06if you have them I have a lot
01:07:09and uh so uh Koreans are very uh they're they're really against tattoos it's very taboo for Koreans
01:07:16to have tattoos because during the Korean war everything was destroyed and then rebuilt by
01:07:21organized crime and the way that the organized criminalized recognized each other was through
01:07:25their tattoos so it's real controversial and so I go to the clothing optional Korean spas in Los Angeles
01:07:33which are not just clothing optional everybody's just naked you know everybody's naked and I'm just
01:07:38naked with my tattoos and you know walking around and Korean people are giving me dirty looks
01:07:44which is hard to tell it's hard to tell when a Korean is giving you a dirty look
01:07:56so I felt self-conscious so I went into like a sauna you know by myself and I'm just sitting
01:08:02there in the sauna I'm naked and I'm watching big screen TV just watching golf
01:08:08and the manager comes in and she's fully clothed and she's like uh can I talk to you out here
01:08:13it's really hot
01:08:14and I was like okay and so I'm standing outside and she goes I hate to tell you this
01:08:19but you are really upsetting people here with your body
01:08:24I'm going to have to ask you to put your clothes on
01:08:28and the thing about me is that I have an enormous bush
01:08:33I mean it's not even a 70s bush it's like an 1870s bush
01:08:42and it absorbs a lot of water
01:08:46so that when I stood up it was like
01:08:59and I was a little bit I didn't know what to say and you know ladies looking at me and
01:09:03then I finally I just said uh do you know who I am
01:09:07and her eyes went from my enormous bush to my face and she really said oh my god you're Margaret
01:09:12Cho I'm a really big fan
01:09:14and I've been to your shows I think you're amazing but you still have to put your clothes on
01:09:20so I was like alright
01:09:22but this is wrong
01:09:24and you are going to be sorry
01:09:25and I just walked away
01:09:32and I really wasn't sure how they were going to be sorry
01:09:34but I was like determined that they were going to be sorry
01:09:36and I went home and I actually wrote about it
01:09:39and I posted it online and it just kind of went everywhere
01:09:42it was on Huffington Post and Jezebel and all these different places
01:09:45and the Korean spa side
01:09:48they called me
01:09:49they were so sorry
01:09:50you could hear the bowing over the phone
01:09:54like oh so sorry
01:09:55so sorry
01:09:57sorry sorry
01:09:59so sorry
01:10:00and they offered me whatever I wanted for free
01:10:03I could come back and I could have whatever I wanted
01:10:05anything I wanted for free
01:10:06but I didn't want to go
01:10:07because I was very offended
01:10:09you know I thought that was really wrong for them to discriminate against me
01:10:13you know like I think it's okay for people to be freaked out by my looks or whatever
01:10:17but you can't have the management say that you should you know put your clothes on
01:10:20it was wrong
01:10:21so I was really angry
01:10:22I didn't want to go
01:10:23but then I talked to my mom about it
01:10:24and she was like
01:10:25but it's free
01:10:36so then I had to go
01:10:39and everybody was really nice to me
01:10:41and I think what happened was they
01:10:44when they found out I was coming
01:10:45they closed the spa
01:10:47and hired a bunch of actors
01:10:49to be nice to me
01:10:52but it sucks
01:10:53I mean you know
01:10:55I feel like I've done some good for the Korean community
01:10:58I've done some good for the Asian community
01:10:59I mean I'm alright
01:11:01I'm alright
01:11:04I'm like one of the first American comedians to travel all over the world
01:11:08I do a lot of shows in England
01:11:10which is hard
01:11:11they're not used to Asian people talking
01:11:15I do these shows there
01:11:17they see an Asian woman coming to the stage
01:11:19I will get booed on sight
01:11:22I know
01:11:23I will get booed on sight
01:11:24I'm like what?
01:11:26are you still mad because I broke up the Beatles?
01:11:36I am Woody Allen's favorite comedian
01:11:40no I really am
01:11:41isn't that funny?
01:11:42I really am
01:11:42he loves me
01:11:43he loves me
01:11:45I was on a plane to go to England
01:11:47and I was on a plane
01:11:48and I was walking on the plane
01:11:49and Patti LaBelle was sitting in the first class
01:11:52Patti LaBelle sees me
01:11:54and she goes
01:11:55oh hell no
01:11:59oh hell no
01:12:01you're gonna stay on your side of the plane
01:12:04cause you crazy
01:12:14then our eyes just followed me
01:12:16for the entire flight
01:12:17like she was in a painting in a haunted mansion
01:12:23I'm crazy
01:12:24I should have been a rock wife like Yoko Ono
01:12:27this would have been a good thing
01:12:28you know
01:12:29I could have had a rock husband
01:12:31I could have married Chris Isaac
01:12:32that would have been good
01:12:33he loved me
01:12:35he wrote a bunch of songs about me
01:12:37I think Wicked Game is about me
01:12:41unfortunately the game is Sudoku
01:12:48no he wrote a bunch of songs about me
01:12:49we would like make love
01:12:50and then we would lay in bed
01:12:52and he would lay on his side of the bed
01:12:54and he would sing songs to me
01:12:55that he had written about me
01:12:57and I would lay on the other side of the bed
01:12:59holding my asshole open
01:13:01so that my farts could sigh into the air
01:13:08you know
01:13:08like
01:13:13because you don't want to fart in front of a rock star
01:13:17you're gonna hold your asshole open
01:13:22and let your farts sigh into the air
01:13:27like
01:13:32you know when like you're sitting
01:13:33like and then you're
01:13:34you fart and it comes out the front
01:13:35and then your pussy just goes
01:13:37like that
01:13:38and it really hurts
01:13:40ow
01:13:44I'm awake now
01:13:46like that
01:13:46and all the lights go out
01:13:48ow
01:13:51you're like sitting
01:13:52they're like sitting
01:13:53and then you fart
01:13:53but then your ass cheeks are too tight
01:13:55so then the fart just comes up
01:13:57your ass crack like a little bubble
01:13:58like boop
01:14:01boop
01:14:02comes out the top like
01:14:03bing
01:14:03it's going
01:14:04boop
01:14:05makes it sound like you sent a text
01:14:07boop
01:14:12I'm very immature
01:14:13I'm very immature
01:14:14and yet I still would like to have a kid
01:14:15I would like to have a child
01:14:18it's not going to be easy
01:14:19I'm 46 years old
01:14:21I don't even get a period
01:14:23all the time
01:14:24when I get a period
01:14:26first there's a sound
01:14:26like a
01:14:29then a bunch of rust blows out
01:14:31like
01:14:36and it's real slow
01:14:38like an old ketchup bottle
01:14:40I feel like
01:14:41anticipation
01:14:48that's like so weird
01:14:49trying to get pregnant
01:14:50and just fucking a lot of people
01:14:51fucking people without a condom
01:14:53is so weird
01:14:54it's so weird
01:14:55there's certain STDs
01:14:57that everybody has
01:14:58like HPV
01:15:00very common
01:15:01HPV
01:15:02people ask me
01:15:04well what do you think about that HPV vaccine
01:15:06that they give young girl
01:15:08I'm like
01:15:09I don't know
01:15:10my pussy's riddled with that shit
01:15:15that's how they make the vaccine
01:15:22they milk my pussy like a cobra
01:15:31and they inoculate young girls with it
01:15:39I did get pregnant once in my life
01:15:41it was a very long time ago
01:15:43and the guy was a lot older than me
01:15:45so I didn't think he could get me pregnant
01:15:47he was old
01:15:48like you know what a man is old
01:15:49like he had long balls
01:15:53long balls
01:15:54that's how you can tell
01:15:55the age of a man
01:15:56the length of the balls
01:15:57is like rings on a tree
01:16:03and his balls are really old
01:16:04and leathery
01:16:06I was like
01:16:06oh nothing alive
01:16:07is going to come out
01:16:09of those balls
01:16:11maybe some loose chain
01:16:14possibly a Werther's original
01:16:18alright
01:16:18thank you very much everybody
01:16:35oh my god
01:16:36thank you so much
01:16:39thank you so much for being here
01:16:41and being a part of this
01:16:44thank you
01:16:47thank you
01:16:50thank you so much
01:16:54god you know
01:16:55it's like
01:16:55this is so amazing
01:16:57I feel like
01:16:59I just want to
01:17:00I want to sing you a song
01:17:01I feel like it's just not enough
01:17:02like it's not
01:17:04oh my god
01:17:05I wish I had
01:17:06I wish I had a band
01:17:12I wish I had a band
01:17:14that was so exciting
01:17:21we can all sing this together
01:17:22it's going to be really good
01:17:23I'll show you
01:17:24I'll show you
01:17:27oh my god
01:17:28so exciting
01:17:29thank you
01:17:32okay
01:17:33got a fat pussy
01:17:37and a mean streak
01:17:39ride with me
01:17:40and you're
01:17:41rolling deep
01:17:43squirt you like a
01:17:45spray tan
01:17:47house you like a
01:17:50camper van
01:17:52nothing better
01:17:54nothing wetter
01:17:56gonna get her
01:17:58send a letter
01:17:59to my
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01:18:16yeah
01:18:17so good
01:18:18so good
01:18:20yeah
01:18:25got a bad pussy
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01:19:07my ass is white
01:19:08my tongue is tied
01:19:10I'm full of pride
01:19:12please come and die
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01:19:44WHISTLES
01:19:45WHISTLES
01:19:45WHISTLES
01:19:46WHISTLES
01:19:48WHISTLES
01:19:49I'm gonna go to bed for you.
01:20:24Thank you so much, good night.
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