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00:08The End
00:36It's easy to be distracted by stuff you see on the farm,
00:41barn owls especially.
00:46But the fact is, I had two big jobs on my to-do list.
00:52Number one, work out how we'd celebrate Christmas at the pub.
01:00And number two...
01:04Decide what to do about the London rally that was being planned by farmers
01:08to protest about the budget.
01:16It's March.
01:18Next week, Tuesday.
01:20The question is, do we go?
01:24Because if it turns ugly, you know, people start flinging...
01:28You know, some people turn up to muck spreaders and things
01:31and start covering public buildings in slurry like the French do.
01:34Do you want to be associated with that?
01:37And if you don't go, does it look like you're not backing the farmers?
01:42Oh, God.
01:43I don't want to be in a riot.
01:46I don't want to be in a riot.
01:47And quite a few people are saying that I should make a speech.
01:53I mean, I'm going to have to go.
01:55I don't like big crowds and I'm literally going to be in the middle of a big crowd.
01:58I'm going to be the worst person there.
02:00I don't mind a crowd.
02:01And, you know, it's nice to go down to London.
02:03I'll be able to talk about Al Pacino and people will know what I'm on about.
02:07So, are you going?
02:09I think I'm going to go, um, and I'm going to lay on a coach.
02:15So that if, well, for two reasons.
02:18One, it's a nice thing to do.
02:20And the other thing, this is for farmers to go to London.
02:22And the other is, if there's a coach going,
02:25it will stop a farmer taking a tractor and a muck spreader.
02:28All right, I'll be on the bus then, yeah?
02:30And I'm going to make a decision on speaking kind of when I'm there,
02:34because, you know, if you're standing in the middle of flares going off
02:38and a slurry being flung around the place.
02:41You don't want to be doing a speech then, do you?
02:42It's haste to retreat.
02:43I'll be off then.
02:43Well, you won't, because you don't know your way around London.
02:46No, I'll stick with you.
02:47Stay with me.
02:48Yeah.
02:51Discussion over, Caleb and I went to see the unround-uppable Easy Care sheep.
02:56How are you?
02:57Because their new Easy Care boyfriends were being delivered.
03:01They're mice. Why have I got two mice?
03:04Wooly mice.
03:06Yeah.
03:07Also, quite small testes.
03:10It's only because it's cold.
03:12Oh, is it?
03:13Yeah.
03:14Once Caleb had slathered their chests in marker paint so we'd know which sheep they'd serviced,
03:21the rams trotted off to meet the ladies.
03:28That one is tiny.
03:29But again, you know, Easy Care's, they're more feminine.
03:33They don't look like your average really big rams.
03:36I then told Louise that one of the ewes had died and she had a rather surprising theory about why.
03:44You know what?
03:46Well, I think I've maybe left the sister or something at home and it's just gone into a
03:51complete spiral of despair that its sister wasn't with it.
03:55Really?
03:56Piling?
03:57Yeah.
03:59Actually, don't we have a broken heart then?
04:01Yes, yes.
04:01Who knew?
04:04Oh, look, they're off.
04:05They're off.
04:07But the women are running away.
04:09Well, they always do, to be fair, at first.
04:16Leaving the rams to the romancing, I headed over to the pub, because apparently there'd
04:23been a disturbance in the force.
04:27Annie tells me somebody has had an accident in here.
04:52No way.
04:55I was so astonished I had to get a second opinion.
05:01Fuck's sake.
05:05And even a third.
05:07That's vile.
05:09That's actually vile.
05:12I can't be one person.
05:14That's gotta be like five people.
05:17This event could not have happened on a worse day.
05:23Because some very special guests were inbound.
05:27I'd always been keen for the pub to host live music evenings and Lisa,
05:32having trawled through her Irish address book,
05:36had managed to book the cause.
05:41And a couple of hours later,
05:43with the car park hosting a full-on hazmat clean-up operation,
05:48they arrived.
05:51And a couple of hours later, they arrived.
05:52Jeremy, I'm the turn.
05:53How are you?
05:53Hi there, I'm very well.
05:54How are you?
05:55So, here we are.
05:56We're very happy, yes.
05:57When was the last time you played at a venue smaller than this?
06:03Oh.
06:05Once inside, they began the sound check.
06:08So, go on, go on, come on, you're leaving me breathless.
06:17And as I was taking in this surreal moment, this cheerfulness arrived.
06:23Amazing, isn't it?
06:24It is.
06:25But I have been thinking.
06:27Health and safety notes, I mean, what?
06:29It's going to be quite difficult to go to the loom while they're singing.
06:35Why?
06:38Because they're right there.
06:40Oh.
06:42I'll cancel it.
06:45And, you know, power's not perfect here, and we have this one.
06:48So, there's some worry that, you know, we're going to have to turn stuff off
06:52in there when they start singing.
06:55The problem is, well, the problem is we've got people booked in, you know,
07:01right away, 8.45 onwards.
07:06So, we're still going to be serving food.
07:07So, what you're saying is we can't serve food and have a gig on at the same time.
07:13Do you want Andrea Cor to be giving you a bollocky?
07:16Or a sausage roll.
07:17Or a sausage roll.
07:18Let's have the cores.
07:27This seems very exciting.
07:29Once the sound check was over.
07:31Those acoustics aren't bad, are they?
07:33They're really good, they're really good.
07:34I showed the cores to their dressing room.
07:37It's actually my office, which I've given over to you.
07:40That's very nice.
07:42Oh, lovely.
07:43Yeah, mind the steps.
07:44This is, oh, wow.
07:47Yeah, it smells a bit.
07:48Who did the decor?
07:50Ah, the Smarties are particular.
07:52No, no, no, not Smarties.
07:53What are they?
07:54M&M's?
07:55Yeah, but what have we done?
07:58Just to show that we were...
07:58You've taken out the brown ones!
08:00There.
08:00We took out the brown ones.
08:02I thought it was Van Halen.
08:04Yeah, it could have been.
08:06I thought it was Prince.
08:07Anyway, this is your name.
08:09I don't know.
08:10There's my office chair.
08:11You're more than welcome.
08:11Wow.
08:12Oh, so I'm sorry it's not bigger, or, and I'm sorry that there's a beam in it,
08:16but just, well, you're on at, what, eight, and it's now five.
08:21Anyway, I'll leave you to it.
08:22I'm just going to go out and close the door.
08:24Do you think we could get a heater?
08:24Don't lock us in there.
08:25Fan heater?
08:26Yeah, like a heater.
08:27No, we haven't got one.
08:27Are you sure?
08:28Well, the problem is we haven't got enough electricity.
08:31Oh.
08:31We barely, we're genuinely worried.
08:33It's either cooking tonight or singing.
08:36Okay.
08:36And you won't be disturbed in here.
08:37That's important.
08:38Okay, see you.
08:39See you later, guys.
08:40Thanks, Jeremy.
08:41Rest it up.
08:48Two hours and 55 minutes later, the cause were, understandably,
08:53quite keen to get on stage.
08:56Oh, God.
09:00I do love you touring with James May.
09:02I think that's great.
09:02It's nice to see he's got painful employment.
09:07Ladies and gentlemen.
09:10Thank you very much.
09:12Next week, they will be performing at the O2.
09:17But tonight, they will be performing in The Farmer's Dog,
09:21the first band to do so.
09:23Ladies and gentlemen, The Cores!
09:30Good evening, you fine folk of The Farmer's Dog.
09:45The Cores then delighted the room with some of their biggest hits.
09:50So go on, go on, come on, leave me breathless.
09:57Deathly takes me until I can't deny this.
10:02I would run away with you.
10:09Because I'm the only one with you.
10:21Do you remember the Cores?
10:23No.
10:24No, there they are.
10:29Oh, my God.
10:30Oh, my God.
10:33By the end, Charlie had stopped worrying about electricity and lavatories
10:37and had even taken to the dance floor.
10:58Thank you very much.
11:01Thank you very much.
11:03Thank you very much.
11:05Afterwards, their biggest fan of many years standing couldn't wait to congratulate them.
11:11Lovely to meet you.
11:12That was amazing.
11:14That vibe, honestly, it was, for me, tonight is the full pinch pinch.
11:20When you go, we had this idea of what the pub would be like.
11:24And then you look at this and go, we've done it.
11:27We've actually done it.
11:37A couple of days later, it was time for another big event.
11:41Only this one was much more serious.
11:46Look at this.
11:49Because today was the day of the farmers rally in London.
12:04Good morning, all.
12:07Hello.
12:08Hello.
12:09James.
12:10James.
12:12Charlie.
12:12Stay down.
12:12It's been pretty sweet.
12:16The diddly squat convoy thundered down the M40.
12:22And once it reached London, I sought advice on the conundrum running round my head.
12:30Right, to speak or not to speak, do we have a vote?
12:36What, just generally speak or not to speak?
12:38Well, the doctor told me not to speak. Amazon's told me not to speak.
12:50There it is, Caleb, look.
12:51What's that?
12:52That's the Royal Albert Hall.
12:54Is that a museum?
12:55No.
12:59At the end of this street is Parliament Square, where the House of Parliament are.
13:04Right, let's get kitted up.
13:08Morning, morning.
13:10Are you all completely lost now, I'm guessing, aren't you?
13:12Yeah.
13:13So, I lived here 30 years, follow me, I know where we're going.
13:18None of us fancied being part of a riot-hungry mob,
13:22but when we reached Whitehall, the location of the rally,
13:25veteran broadcaster Andrew Marr sort of put that worry to bed.
13:31It's early in the day, it's only 11 o'clock or so, and it's wet,
13:35but there's lots of comments about this is going to be overtaken by the far right,
13:38it was going to be extremist, and I've come down to look,
13:41and this is mainstream, patient, weather-beaten, decent Britain on the streets.
13:46It's really impressive.
13:49Isle of Wight, Hertfordshire, Devon.
13:56We're quite a small farm, only about just over 200 acres, but it's going to hit us hard.
14:01We're arable.
14:02We'll never ever be able to afford what they want us to pay, and we will have to sell up.
14:07But how can you ask people to give up a lifestyle and punish them for producing food and looking after
14:15the countryside?
14:17Meanwhile, Charlie had been asked by a reporter for a quick comment,
14:21and she was indeed getting his version of quick.
14:25And out of those 1500, there will be a minority that are not impacted by the combination of business and
14:32agriculture property.
14:33You know, it has a massive impact.
14:35But yes, financially, but also on confidence to invest in future production.
14:40And you've just, you know, that confidence has just been pulled away.
14:47Dairy cows worth 2,000, that's 1.2 million.
14:50So they'll have a tax liability on the actual asset that they're producing milk from.
14:54We're 2 minutes open tomorrow now, so if that's OK to wrap, that'd be great.
14:59Thank you so much.
15:01By noon, with Whitehall absolutely packed by thousands of farmers and their families,
15:07the speakers took to the stage.
15:10This week in the Lords, I spoke against this proposal from the Labour benches,
15:15and from every bench in that House, Conservative, Liberal Democrat, Cross Benches, and even the Bishops,
15:23speakers condemned this policy.
15:26You have the backing of the nation for what you are doing here today.
15:37I'm Oli Harrison.
15:38I'm just an arable farmer from near Liverpool.
15:42My family has farmed in Tarback for 175 years, with me being the fifth generation,
15:49and James dreaming of being the sixth.
15:57Why do we farm?
16:00Why do we accept low prices?
16:04Why do we put up with low wages and long hours?
16:09I'll tell you why.
16:11We farm for our children.
16:15We farm to feed the nation.
16:18We farm because it's in our blood.
16:22And we farm because we love it.
16:27No one does it for the money.
16:30There is none.
16:33Do they know what it's like to get up at 4am to feed cows?
16:39Do they know what it's like to give CPR to a weak lamb?
16:45Do they know what it's like to unblock a combine at 2am with bleeding hands and knuckles because
16:50there's a thistle in it?
16:54Do the government even know where food comes from?
17:00Today we come together to show the government we will be heard.
17:04Downing Street, if you can hear us, you need to fix this.
17:16I couldn't possibly match the emotional power of Ollie's words.
17:22But I did think there was one point I could make.
17:26Hello everybody.
17:29Now I know a lot of people all across the country and all walks of life took a bit of
17:34a kick on the
17:34shin with that budget. You lot got a knee in the nuts.
17:41I know you've heard a lot about it today and I'm not going to dwell on that.
17:45I will just say this. Rachel Reeves has told us, what is it, 72% of farms are going to
17:53be unaffected
17:54by this. Let's see if we can educate her here. How many people here, if you'd raise your hands,
18:01are from a family farm? I want to see, right, that's a lot of hands. Now I want you to
18:07lower them
18:08if, if you think, and you've had time to work this out, you think you're going to be unaffected
18:14by the changes to APR and BPR. Put your hands down if you're going to be unaffected.
18:20Thank you. My case rests.
18:26Thank you everybody.
18:37In the end, I was glad I'd gone to the rally and spoken, but not everyone shared that view.
18:47Doctor went berserk with me last night.
18:51What for? What, just?
18:53She went, you know, we told you to have six weeks rest. She said, I meant sitting by the fire,
18:59drinking minestrone soup, reading a book.
19:07I haven't been doing that.
19:10What can I do, Kay? Caleb and Lisa obviously agreed with the doctor,
19:15because when I tried to help them with the cow weighing, I was immediately fired.
19:21No, no, no, don't. Stop it. Just don't.
19:26You're going to hurt your back, and then you're going to, we're going to go.
19:29I love this. This is great.
19:32I know you don't want me helping, but who would do this without me?
19:34I mean, I'm good. Well, I think Caleb and I could manage it.
19:395.92.
19:41Having been shooed away, I did some irritating government paperwork.
19:47But this quickly became boring, so I went down to the woods to cut down a Christmas tree for the
19:54pub.
19:55Where are they? Yes, there's a tree. It's a beauty.
20:02I must be careful not to cut myself, because I'm on blood thinners.
20:09As it turned out, this wasn't the medical issue that mattered.
20:20Ah!
20:37As it turned out.
20:51Not doing that again.
20:53After this, I decided I needed a proper rest.
21:01But that night, Mother Nature decided otherwise.
21:06Storm Dara has left thousands of people without power
21:10across the UK and the Republic of Ireland.
21:12A rare red warning for strong winds has been issued,
21:15meaning there's a danger to life.
21:28It sounds terrible.
21:42My big warrior, the tree.
21:50Ah, jeez.
22:06In the morning, I met with Annie for a damage report.
22:14It swung twice.
22:16It went really high, 90 degrees.
22:18Cracked and straight down.
22:20Missed the bonnet of a car by centimetres.
22:22Bang.
22:23That's a weighty item, isn't it?
22:25It can't be a bit. It's too heavy.
22:26Oh, God, yeah.
22:27I know.
22:30Shit, look at it.
22:31Yeah, it is ripped.
22:34Morning.
22:35Morning.
22:38So there's a beam come down there, look.
22:41And because we've lost the structure of the outside,
22:44these could now come down.
22:45Shit.
22:48Outside, there was more carnage in the car park.
22:53All of the festoon lighting's been ripped.
22:55And some of the trees had indeed taken a battery.
23:00The one that's most precarious is, um...
23:02Oh, yeah, shit.
23:03It's not good.
23:07Yeah.
23:12Back at the farm, Lisa was surveying what, ten hours ago,
23:16had been the house where her faceless sheep lived.
23:27Jesus Christ.
23:29I know.
23:29Yeah.
23:29Luckily, the sheep weren't in us when it tumbled.
23:33So we built a little pen for them out of store,
23:35but I've got to get...
23:36I've got to get them to the barn.
23:38The, um, cow barn.
23:39No, we could put them in the new barn.
23:40No, the cow barn's better.
23:41No, put the new barn.
23:42We can't put them in the new barn.
23:43Why can't we put them in the new barn?
23:45Because I've got a...
23:45I've got some snails in there that I'm...
23:47I'm breeding.
23:49I'm gonna...
23:49Snails?
23:49Yeah.
23:52Every time we have a barn that's empty for five minutes, you fill it out.
23:55It was totally empty for about a month.
23:57Look.
23:59Oh, my f...
24:00What the hell?
24:01Nice, right?
24:01What's this?
24:03Ta-da!
24:03Behold.
24:06So I've got a thousand snails.
24:08They're gonna breed.
24:09Well, why have you got them?
24:10Okay.
24:11So when the mucin starts coming down...
24:14The mucin.
24:15You know, the slime that comes out.
24:16It's called mucin.
24:16And it's anti-inflammatory.
24:18It's anti-aging.
24:19So, so, just...
24:20We're gonna have to start from the beginning.
24:22I'm utterly lost.
24:23Okay.
24:24Snail slime...
24:25Yes, is a thing.
24:26...is what you're farming.
24:27Yes.
24:28A lot of beef.
24:29Yes.
24:30And the slime...
24:31And then what do you do with it?
24:32Well, I put it on my face and it's amazing on the hands.
24:35It's really good.
24:36And it's not...
24:37Hypoallergenic.
24:38You can't get an allergy from it because it's totally pure.
24:40Vegans can have it because no animals have been killed.
24:42And it's anti-inflammatory as well.
24:44So if you've kind of got joint stiffness.
24:46It's incredible.
24:47It's so good.
24:48So, hang on.
24:48They go along and they lose slime.
24:50We know this.
24:51Yes.
24:52And then, let me just see if I've got this clear.
24:54Yeah.
24:55You take it to the farm shop and you sell snail slime.
24:59No, I make it into a cream by using the slime.
25:03So how many have you bought?
25:05There's about...
25:05Only a thousand.
25:06There's a thousand?
25:07So we'll have 80,000 once they mate.
25:09What?
25:10Good, right?
25:11Prolific.
25:16And the snails weren't the only livestock that Lisa had on the go.
25:24Back in the summer, she'd taken delivery of a flock of geese.
25:28Right, girls.
25:29And boys.
25:31Geeses.
25:32Which had thrilled the diddly squat goose expert, Gerald.
25:36It's worn on, the big wooden end with the thing on the top of that.
25:40Oh, yeah.
25:40Yeah.
25:41Over the following months, she'd worked tirelessly...
25:47...in all weathers...
25:49Oh, fuck, fuck.
25:51...and round the clock...
25:53See you in the morning.
25:55...to rear and fatten them.
25:58Morning, morning.
25:59Morning, morning, morning.
26:02Oh!
26:03Oh!
26:09One, two, three, four, five.
26:12And now, on a cold December evening, all that hard work was set to pay off,
26:18as she prepared to put on the first in a series of festive geese nights.
26:23So this is what... You should be proud, actually.
26:26I am, they look beautiful.
26:27I thought it might be weird looking at them, but they do look perfect.
26:31And look, they've been well stuffed and there's no little hairs and stuff.
26:35They look great.
26:36Wow.
26:40I hope tonight works well, actually.
26:43I'm not gonna... I'm gonna leave it to Lisa.
26:45It's Lisa's geese's night.
26:47And anyway, I had some festive plans of my own,
26:50so I asked Charlie to join me in my office for a briefing.
26:55We need a grotto.
26:57What?
26:58Well, we need a Christmas grotto.
27:01I've had a brainwave, don't worry.
27:03You mean with, as in...
27:05You know...
27:05Elves and Santa and...
27:07Yes, exactly.
27:09Because we don't need the goose hut at the moment,
27:11because the geese's aren't in it, because they're all...
27:15So, we'll bring the goose hut over here.
27:18OK.
27:19Then we'll use that as the grotto.
27:22So, we'll put Father Christmas in it.
27:24Children come.
27:25Father Christmas gives them a little present.
27:27You know, some little toy.
27:29And we'll have a nativity scene outside.
27:33Where are we gonna find a Santa?
27:35It's December.
27:40We need to check them.
27:42Background checks.
27:43They need... DBS check, just to make sure there's...
27:45What? Sorry?
27:46DBS.
27:47Just to make sure they're safe.
27:49What? I don't know what DBS means.
27:51DBS.
27:51Yes.
27:51Have they got a criminal record?
27:53Oh.
27:53You know, if they have got a criminal record, what's it for?
27:56Well, every single year, Santa breaks into about a billion houses around the world.
28:01I should imagine he has got a criminal record.
28:02Well, so we need to check that.
28:05How, you know...
28:06I mean, what happens if he doesn't turn up?
28:07Well, you could say that if you were running a...
28:10British Airways could say, well, there's no point buying all these planes.
28:13What if the pilot doesn't turn up?
28:14How long do they get with Santa?
28:17I don't know, five minutes.
28:18So, it's 12 an hour?
28:19Mm-hm.
28:21OK.
28:22Six hours a day.
28:2312 sixes.
28:2472 sets of presents.
28:27And make sure there's somebody in there with the child as well.
28:31Who has to...
28:32Either parent or an elf.
28:34Or an elf.
28:35So, I've got to put an advert in the local paper saying,
28:38wanted men or women to dress up as an elf for minimum wage.
28:43No, national living wage.
28:45So, you're saying that we've got to get a Santa,
28:47we've got to make sure he's not a beautiful elf.
28:49An elf.
28:51And all it means is bringing the goose hat over,
28:54hosing some of the faeces out.
28:56Well, actually all of them.
28:57All of them.
28:57All of the faeces out.
28:58All of the faeces.
28:59Disinfected.
29:02While Charlie was fully supporting my plans upstairs,
29:06Lisa was in the kitchen getting some rather unwelcome news.
29:11We're just salting them, just to bring a bit of moisture out,
29:15make that skin nice and crispy when they get roasted.
29:17And when will you bring the rest in?
29:19The rest, they're all here.
29:21But no, we're not, we're just...
29:23I think, aren't we going to have them throughout the weeks,
29:26up until Christmas for lunch and dinners?
29:28Do you have more geese?
29:30Or what...
29:31No, I think this is for tonight for the big banquet, right?
29:33This is all of them.
29:35I have 30.
29:37This is...
29:38This is all the geese?
29:39The whole lot's going tonight.
29:41Yes.
29:41But I thought we could have them for lunch and dinner
29:44for the...
29:45up until Christmas.
29:47No.
29:48The geese that you sent will cover us for tonight.
29:50No more.
29:52Reindeer.
29:53Are there any reindeer near here?
29:56Are there any reindeer near here?
29:59So we get a normal deer.
30:01Which will freak when a kid goes near it.
30:03How high does the fences have to be for deers?
30:05Like six feet?
30:06Eight feet?
30:07OK, so we put six foot...
30:08It looked like a prisoner of war camp.
30:10I know.
30:11I went to Stella Glove 3 the other day.
30:13It's interesting.
30:14Which is...
30:15Impressive.
30:15But I'm not sure it's the right theme.
30:18Plastic animals.
30:20That would look great.
30:22I mean, it wouldn't, but it would be great.
30:24That's the first good idea you've had.
30:28Later that night, Lisa decided that all her geese guests
30:32should be made to share her pain.
30:36Yes, and I thought all these geese would last from now
30:39until Christmas Day.
30:41No, no, no.
30:42You've eaten them all tonight, apparently.
30:48As for me...
30:51Charlie had eventually signed off on my grotto plan,
30:54but I couldn't start on it just yet.
30:58That's it.
31:00Because with winter now upon us...
31:02Hello, cows and endgame.
31:05The time had come to move our four-legged residents...
31:09Sorry, cows.
31:11...into the warmth of their barn.
31:13What are you doing now for?
31:15You're not boxing.
31:16You might come at me.
31:18Good endgame.
31:20Yes, my friend, aren't you?
31:25That's good.
31:29And that, my dear, is how you move sheeps.
31:35Once the animals were sorted, I could get cracking with my grotto.
31:42And having advertised in nearby villages for a Santa...
31:49...a local chap had applied for the job.
31:51I can do it again when I can, but, you know, I've got four dogs.
31:55And you're not a paedophile?
31:57Not a paedophile, no.
31:59Right.
32:00With the cheques done and Santa hired...
32:04..the next job was to move the goose hut up to the pub.
32:10And once that was done...
32:12..I could start turning it into a grotto.
32:16Erm, here's my plan.
32:19We're going to have the aminals and the nativity scene in there...
32:24..with straw on the floor.
32:25And then in here will be Father Christmas's grotto,
32:29..so we'll have to carpet this.
32:31And this will be snuggie.
32:35And lo, the geese shall go...
32:37..and there shall be rugs.
32:41Right.
32:43Presents.
32:47Technically, these aren't reindeer, but...
32:51..yeah.
32:56..and there shall be light.
32:59Elf of the week.
33:02His writing desk.
33:09Santa's weed.
33:12Once I'd furnished Santa's grotto and laid out the nativity scene...
33:17This is amazing, look at this.
33:19I thought it wise to refresh my memory about the birth of the baby Jesus.
33:25So I've got myself, from the local church...
33:29..erm, a Bible.
33:32And in Matthew, it says that...
33:36..Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph.
33:39I thought they were married.
33:40OK, they were engaged.
33:41But before they came together she was found to be with child
33:44through the Holy Spirit.
33:46Now, he presents that as a fact.
33:48No checking, no back-up.
33:50She's pregnant with the Holy Spirit.
33:52And because Joseph, her husband, was a righteous man...
33:56..and did not want to expose her to public disgrace...
33:59..he had in mind to divorce her quietly.
34:01What?
34:04I'd never read that before.
34:06But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him...
34:10..in a dream and said, Joseph, son of David...
34:12..do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife...
34:15..because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.
34:19Then the virgin...
34:21..well, she isn't...
34:22..will be with child and will give birth to a son...
34:25..and they will call him Emmanuel.
34:29What?
34:32Emmanuel?
34:33Why...
34:34Why would they name the child after a 70s porn film?
34:39Honestly, Matthew...
34:40..he writes like I do.
34:43It's just all made up as he's going along.
34:45Besides Matthew's baffling version of events,
34:48there was a more immediate issue,
34:50as I explained to the Reverend Cooper upon his arrival.
34:56What worries me, Caleb?
34:57Yeah.
34:59This was what we rented as the infant baby Jesus.
35:05Look at the hair.
35:06That's quite a lot of hair.
35:08That's taken some growth in that...
35:09I mean, that is basically...
35:11..this is the son of Barry Gibb.
35:14Who's Barry Gibb?
35:16For me, the offspring of Abiji simply didn't work as the baby Jesus.
35:21So, I'd bought an alternative.
35:24It looks awful.
35:25Well, it looks better than this.
35:27Will you get some swaddling clothes on that?
35:29It's got a hat on it.
35:31It's a cabbage patch Jesus.
35:35Is it a cabbage patch? I think it is.
35:37It's not a cabbage patch.
35:38Isn't it?
35:38Basically calling it a vegetable, saying that.
35:40It wasn't born with a hat, back in whatever BC it was or something.
35:45Whatever BC it was?
35:46I don't know. When was it?
35:48Nought. That's the point.
35:50Well, it's not BC.
35:52Oh, God. It's true, Caleb.
35:55Do you know what BC stands for?
35:57No, I thought it was...
35:58Before Christ.
35:59So, there were people before Christ?
36:01Yeah, there were people before Christ.
36:03So, why... I thought the whole intention of the Bible was that God come along, created Jesus, and that was
36:08like the birth of people.
36:11No?
36:13No.
36:14Well, where do you think Mary and Joseph were? How did they happen?
36:17I thought they were once a T-Rex, and then all of a sudden they were a monkey, and then
36:21they come to this.
36:22There was a T-Rex and a monkey, and then Mary and Joseph had...
36:26I just thought evolution come along, and, you know, we were once a monkey, and then we started talking, and
36:30then all of a sudden we started becoming humans.
36:31Yes, that's evolution, that's what happened.
36:33Yeah, so, that's why I thought this happened, that's...
36:35No, no, the Bible tells us that God came...
36:39Well, it's fake, cos she can't get pregnant without having a penis inside her.
36:43Well, she did.
36:44It's impossible.
36:45Well, he believed her.
36:46Anyway, let's not get bogged down in that.
36:48Who's Gloria?
36:50It's actually the angel Gabriel, who's brought a towel along with Gloria written on it.
36:54She's obviously got the sex of the infant wrong.
36:57It looks great, isn't it?
36:58Yeah.
36:58The kids are going to love this, eh?
36:59I know they are.
37:02And I still hadn't finished, because despite Charlie's enthusiasm for the animals being plastic,
37:09I thought my grotto would be better if it had some real livestock.
37:15So, while I decorated the outside...
37:18Lovely job.
37:19...Charles Darwin went off to get some.
37:25Welcome, Ghost, to your new home.
37:29Come on.
37:30In you go.
37:31Come on, you.
37:32Go on.
37:33Yeah, look round the corner like, what the fuck is that?
37:36Well, that's their nemesis.
37:37I mean, this is the symbol of the devil.
37:39And in there is the baby Jesus.
37:44Look at them happy goats.
37:47Oh, he's having a piss already in there.
37:49Oh, what's he done?
37:50He's eating the fairy lights.
37:52Is that actually powered by electricity?
37:54We should...
37:55Yeah.
37:55I need to stop that.
37:57Shit.
37:58They're going to electrocute themselves.
37:59We have an emergency.
38:01Here you go.
38:03Is that the mistletoe?
38:04Huh?
38:05Right.
38:05No, it's to holly.
38:07OK.
38:08Isn't it?
38:09I don't know.
38:10Oh, fuck!
38:17There's glass here.
38:19Oh, fuck!
38:20It's to stop the goats coming in here, mate.
38:23It wasn't there earlier, though.
38:25Yeah, well, it is now.
38:26I put it in to stop the goats coming into...
38:29Oh, Santa scene.
38:31Oh, no, don't eat baby Jesus.
38:35Oh, goody old.
38:40Eventually, I had to break away from the grotto
38:43because Dillwyn was coming over to check and vaccinate
38:46the Easy Care sheep again.
38:50And up at their field, where clearly a lot of ram action
38:53had been going on, Caleb had nearly done a good job
38:58of rounding them up.
39:00The fence is on.
39:02Why is that one not in, Caleb?
39:04Can't get it in.
39:05What?
39:06She is an arsehole.
39:08Why won't you go in?
39:10Hey, can you go and open that gate?
39:11I've got it.
39:12Go and open that gate.
39:13Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
39:14I can't do quick.
39:15Hold that.
39:16Hold that far end.
39:17Shush your noise.
39:18Stop it.
39:18Ow, you fucking sheep.
39:21Oh, my God.
39:22Stop.
39:24For fuck's sake.
39:27Hello, sheeps.
39:28With your triangular easy-birth heads.
39:33Vagina-friendly head shapes.
39:35That's what you've got.
39:36Get me.
39:36Get me.
39:38Hey, hey, hey.
39:39Just slowly.
39:40Hold that car.
39:41Ow.
39:42Ow.
39:44Ah, fuck.
39:46Ah.
39:47Fuck.
39:47It's electrified.
39:49Ah.
39:52Holy shit.
39:57You let one out.
39:58Oh, don't.
39:59I think it's just broke my finger.
40:01These easy-care sheep.
40:03Yeah.
40:03Are proving to...
40:04Well, they've damn nearly turned him into...
40:08Both my arms.
40:09Oh, my finger is really painful.
40:13Being a vet, Dillwyn wasn't really interested in our human injuries.
40:17He just wanted to vaccinate the sheep against a rather nasty new disease.
40:23Blue tongue.
40:24Am I right in saying it's like a little midge, a little mosquito-y thing?
40:27Blue tongue is caused by a virus which is carried by midges.
40:32Midges.
40:32And they started in Holland, blew across the channel.
40:36Yep.
40:36And blue tongue also kills sheep.
40:39OK.
40:39Well, let's get on and inject them.
40:45Pinch of skin?
40:46Yeah, pinch of skin.
40:47Working in there.
40:51Are you marking them?
40:53Yeah.
40:54It's not a brilliant look.
40:55They look like Adam and the ants.
40:57Dillwyn then decided, as we'd finally got the sheep in a pen,
41:01he should clip their toenails.
41:04Is this going to stop them being late?
41:06That is the plan.
41:08Just sit still.
41:09Be like a cow.
41:10Normally, when you have them on their back, they just sit there.
41:14Oh, wow.
41:15It's like you're doing a nail salon.
41:18One down, 58 to go.
41:20Is this sheep number three you're doing now?
41:23Two.
41:24We're going to be here all day.
41:26Yeah.
41:31With all the sheeps fully manicured, we could get back to the grotto,
41:35which still needed some finishing touches.
41:38Starting with my snow machine.
41:42All right, I think this is how you do it.
41:49Look at that.
41:50Look at that.
41:54We are not going to feature in the Daily Mail's annual shit Christmas grotto photo, are we?
42:00What if it's sticking to the trees, though?
42:02It looks...
42:04And then, to complete the nativity scene...
42:09Come on, Brittany.
42:11Whoa, now what do you think of this, goats?
42:14Something else to eat.
42:17I love donkeys.
42:24Oh, no, no.
42:24Right, thank you.
42:25Oh, shit.
42:27Jesus is having a tough time, I must be honest.
42:31Over in the Santa section of the grotto, I then spotted another problem.
42:36We're going to need a cameraman in here so we can film the scene of Santa with the children.
42:42But that would rather spoil the mood if you put that in here.
42:46I then had a brainwave, which required the help of our camera assistant.
42:52Joey?
42:53Joey?
42:55Mate.
42:57This is a big ask.
43:05Are you serious?
43:13An hour later, everything was ready in the farmer's dog Christmas grotto.
43:19Even the cast of characters.
43:23This looks amazing.
43:24Santa!
43:25Hello, little boy.
43:25Oh.
43:27Well.
43:28Hi.
43:28That's debatable.
43:31As the first of the families turned up...
43:33Oh!
43:35Hello.
43:39Charlie arrived, and even he was impressed.
43:42You know I have my doubts about this thing.
43:46I know, you have your doubts about everything.
43:48I know, well, we're...
43:49It's really good, actually.
43:51And the business plan?
43:52£10 a ticket.
43:54The presents were £4.
43:57Yeah.
43:57Father Christmas.
43:58Can't remember how much we're paying him.
44:00Not much.
44:00We're using a camera assistant as an elf.
44:03Yeah.
44:04So, of your £10, have you taken 20% off?
44:07Oh, I don't know.
44:08£10?
44:08Why are you bringing accountancy into the festers?
44:11Of the ten, we only keep eight, because we have to give 20% to the government.
44:15Anyway, listen.
44:17This is the biggest problem, and never mind your accountancy.
44:20What?
44:21No!
44:22What?
44:23Jesus is being tossed around like an empty pair of pyjamas.
44:27Are you ready?
44:29Right.
44:29Oh, no!
44:31Oh!
44:31Oh, no!
44:33Oh, no!
44:34Get away!
44:37While the endlessly comedic goats laid waste to the grotto, it was time for the rest of
44:43farmers to down tools, and in our own diddly squat way, celebrate Christmas.
44:52Out on the roads, we joined all the local farmers who'd temporarily forgotten about Rachel
44:58Reeves, so they could entertain the children with their annual Christmas tractor run.
45:09How are you?
45:11How are you?
45:12How are you?
45:12Meanwhile, at the farmer's dog, we hosted a Christmas lock-in for all the people who'd
45:18helped us make it a success.
45:22Hi, guys, help yourselves.
45:24The bar is open.
45:28Along with all the familiar faces,
45:33there were diddly squat alumni from previous years.
45:38Look who's here.
45:39You all right?
45:40Like Kevin and Ellen, the sheep people.
45:43I was reading you had shedding sheep now.
45:46Yeah, we've got easy care.
45:48One of them was so easy to care for, it dies.
45:51Even Mr. No No No Tom turned up, proudly announcing he was now a published author.
45:59It's your book.
46:01Yeah.
46:01Yeah, I used to go out with local grapes and doing most dogs and stuff.
46:06It's fantastic.
46:07I thought it said a guide to finding Moses.
46:13He's a good boy.
46:15It has a good boy.
46:15How are you?
46:16Harriet's waters a present.
46:18Did you make that?
46:19Yes.
46:20You made it?
46:21Thanks, Harriet.
46:22It hangs that way.
46:23It's Christmassy and violent my sister and my dad shot them all and killed that person. Oh
46:31It's brilliant
46:40Yeah, and then you pick it up with your mouth what hey, I probably Mick Jagger to get there
46:47No, hang on, okay
46:50Right so no, no, no not on your knees no hands and no knees
46:58Ha ha
47:01You ready Gerald yeah
47:04All right 101. Yeah double out Roy Matt. I'm quite good at that
47:09There's no look on the dartboard. Oh, yeah, I can't see it. You're getting closer every time
47:14You should get your head torch and put it on it
47:16Yeah
47:18That was good. What's the price anyway? I'll buy you a drink
47:22It's a free bar. I know that's my point
47:27Okay
47:33Could you do that? Absolutely zero job. Absolutely ridiculous on my hands and these
47:39Come on, Charles. I'll do health and safety for you.
47:43Oh, Jesus. Hang on.
47:45What? No way. That's not going to happen.
47:49No, I'm trying to go on.
47:50What? You didn't get 12, you got nine.
47:53You got nine, seven and a five.
47:56Have yourself a moment.
47:59As the drink flowed and the fire roared...
48:03..make the Yuletide game.
48:08There was no doubt we'd made a really good pub.
48:13Our troubles will be miles away.
48:17But in the new year,
48:19I knew we had to make a really good farm as well.
48:23A merry little Christmas now.
48:30It's sort of a weird leave in England.
48:32This is what abroad is like.
48:38This is the future of farming.
48:39Holy shit.
48:41This is just...
48:42My mind is in overdrive right now.
48:44It's...
48:45It's...