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00:22As spring continued to be gloriously warm and with everything on the farm still going well,
00:30it was time for one of my favourite jobs of the year.
00:34Oh, I love doing this. I just love this day.
00:38G-Dog!
00:40Releasing the cows back into the fields after their winter confinement.
00:45Come on, out you come.
00:48It went bang.
00:51You're free!
00:53And this year's release promised to be more joyous than ever.
01:00It'll be fun letting the calves out. We've never done that before.
01:03No, not one of them that small.
01:04No, we've never let a calf into a field.
01:06They're going to be so happy.
01:14Lisa, if you stand, literally hold the gate here, like that, yeah?
01:18And then you can hold between like this and you'll become a fence.
01:19All you've got to do is swing out.
01:21Yeah.
01:21My big worry is endgame.
01:23It's the last we've had a conversation about him.
01:25Both Charlie and Caleb were saying,
01:27well, he's done his work now. We'll sell him or eat him.
01:31Not a chance.
01:35We are not going to eat you, endgame.
01:37Don't you worry about that.
01:38Or sell you.
01:40Come on.
01:41Go on. Up you go.
01:42Go on.
01:43Go on.
01:44Here we go.
01:52Here we go.
01:54Out you come.
01:59They're all out.
02:03This is just heaven.
02:05What?
02:06This is all our playground?
02:08Look at them go.
02:10I always thought the trees were put along.
02:14He's got the vicar come to his house interest now.
02:17If it blows up, we should go to the moon.
02:19Yeah, exactly.
02:23Elsewhere, the easy care sheeps were, for once, living up to their name,
02:28shooting out lambs with no fuss at all.
02:36I mean, how many lambs have we got now?
02:3760...
02:3860,000, by the way.
02:40Six, I think.
02:41I think we've got 66 lambs so far.
02:42We have many lambs.
02:44But we've lost only two, which is astounding.
02:48They are the self-cleaning oven of sheeps, these.
02:52They're amazing.
02:54The whole point is this, you know, triangular head,
02:57so that the lamb can slither out of it
03:01more easily.
03:03Breath passage.
03:04Oh, hello, something's coming out.
03:06Yep, something is now coming out.
03:08There we go.
03:10Yes, there's something glistening at the back.
03:11It is, yeah.
03:12It should be a lamb.
03:15Well, it's not going to be a piglet, is it?
03:17Go on, push.
03:19Yeah.
03:19You've got a head like a Toblerone.
03:21It should come out very smoothly.
03:22Oh, no, it's out.
03:24It's out, it's out.
03:25It's actually out.
03:28Oh, no, another one's coming.
03:29Look.
03:30Hey, can you see?
03:31There's the second one.
03:32Oh, I see.
03:33Oh.
03:33Wiggling around.
03:34Yeah.
03:35OK, she's popped two out now.
03:38Right, she's going to have to get up now
03:39to offer her bosoms to her newborn infants.
03:43All right.
03:44Two have come out.
03:45OK.
03:46I think she's stuck, isn't she?
03:48Look, she's trying to get...
03:50Yeah, she's stuck.
03:50You're going to help her?
03:52Just go and push her up, mate.
03:54Right, so all the lambs that have been born,
03:56we haven't had to get involved in any of them.
03:58The first one I decide to have a look at,
04:01then she needs her help.
04:02But she definitely does, because she's not...
04:03Yeah, she's not getting up.
04:04Yeah, don't make...
04:06There she is, and...
04:09Oh, she's up.
04:09Oh, that yellow one, look how...
04:10That looks a bit stressed.
04:12Isn't the yellow a sign of stress?
04:14Yeah, stress.
04:15It's adrenaline.
04:16So, obviously, the first one come flying out
04:17and the second one was a little bit behind.
04:19Well, only about three minutes.
04:21Really?
04:21Yeah.
04:22Well, look how easy that is, though.
04:24You do like these sheep, don't you?
04:26This is my type of lamb and lamb and at a distance.
04:30But the lamb births were nothing
04:32compared to what was going on in the snail shed,
04:35which had literally turned into the set
04:39of a 1970s porn film.
05:02The rumpy-pumpy had been so prolific
05:05that Lisa now had thousands of newborn snails
05:09living in the garden she'd created
05:11in one of the polytunnels.
05:14They're incredible.
05:16Just that, like, white egg,
05:17and then suddenly you've got antennae,
05:20you've got shells.
05:21You guys are amazing.
05:23You have grown well.
05:25You've grown beautifully.
05:29Meanwhile, out in the fields,
05:31Caleb was doing some variable-rate fertilising
05:37and positively swooning
05:39about our new high-tech crop management systems.
05:43I'm putting 140 kg on a hectare.
05:47It fluctuates the whole thing for me,
05:49opening and shuts the thing as when needed.
05:50This is awesome.
05:53And thanks to the wonders
05:54of my Mission Control Centre,
05:57I could boss him about
05:59from the comfort of my office chair.
06:03I'm farming.
06:04In the same way those guys in Houston,
06:07in Apollo 13,
06:08were astronauts when they were sitting
06:10watching the astronauts at work.
06:12So here he is.
06:14This is essentially the dashboard of his tractor
06:18appearing on one of my screens.
06:20This is where he is
06:21as he applies the nitrogen fertiliser.
06:27Right, Apollo, Caleb,
06:30this is Houston Control.
06:33Hello, mate.
06:34That's not how astronauts talk.
06:37Right, I'll have you at 140 kg per hectare
06:41on my readout here.
06:43What, you've logged into my tractor?
06:46Certainly am.
06:46I see you at 12 kilometres an hour.
06:50Yeah, I'm going 12k,
06:51cos this field is the one that you ploughed
06:53and the one that you fucked up.
06:55Can you remember?
06:56That's not how you address
06:58the head of Mission Control.
06:59I am Ed Harris.
07:01You will have some respect.
07:03Apologies, sir.
07:05Over.
07:06You don't have to say apologies, sir.
07:08Call me flight.
07:09That's what you call the man who sits
07:12in the white waistcoat in Apollo 13.
07:15Apologies, flight.
07:17Over.
07:18And you don't say over.
07:20Course correction coming up
07:21in approximately 20, that's two, zero seconds.
07:26Course correction in approximately...
07:28I fucking love this machine.
07:30Jim Lovell never said...
07:31Actually, you know what I've just realised?
07:32I actually love farming this way.
07:34You sat in that office,
07:35I'm out here doing stuff.
07:36You're nowhere to be seen.
07:38This is bliss.
07:40He's forgotten to turn this side
07:41of his foot spreader on, look.
07:43Please tell me he continues to forget.
07:46Look, he's got 150 going out one side,
07:48nothing going out the other.
07:51You might want to turn the left side
07:53of your foot spreader on, mate.
07:56No, my left side's on.
07:57I'm about to put it on any second.
07:59Now the right side, you mean.
08:01Good job I reminded you.
08:05Mate, you're driving over a line
08:07you've already driven on.
08:08I know you're a fucking idiot.
08:12Jesus!
08:14Thank you, flight, over.
08:16There you go, you see he's getting the hang of it now.
08:22Sadly, on our new high-tech farm,
08:25one machine had been left behind.
08:29Thanks to its never-ending list of technical faults
08:33coupled to the arrival of the AgBot,
08:36the green Lambo hadn't turned a wheel in weeks.
08:41So I decided to sell it.
08:43Monday, so we had about 260 tractors there, machinery.
08:46260?
08:46Yeah, 260.
08:47Which meant getting it valued by an agricultural auctioneer.
08:53It's a magnificent beast, as you can see.
08:55How many hours is it on?
08:57Well, I bought it at 3,150,
09:00and I think it's now up to 3,300.
09:03So, you know, it's a very low-mileage example.
09:06Yes.
09:07Um, sat-nav.
09:09Sat-nav.
09:10Trelleberg tyres, aircon, obviously.
09:13And if you want to step in and have a look,
09:15just see if there's anything...
09:18Er, what can you tell me about?
09:19Tell me anything you want.
09:20You have if I start it off?
09:21Yeah, yeah.
09:25Smooth.
09:27Powerful.
09:28There's a...
09:30Er...
09:31There's a couple of lights on there.
09:33Yeah, but they're minor.
09:35Service alarm.
09:37Yeah, there's a...
09:38It's a small alarm that sometimes happens.
09:41Distributors not available.
09:43What distributors?
09:45OK, that's a new one.
09:47Engine alarm, coolant level.
09:49It's doing a lot of beeping now.
09:51It could just be a loose wire and cost 15p.
09:59So, I'd be quite keen to hear what you think
10:04we'd get for it.
10:05Not the easiest thing to sell in the world,
10:07I'll be honest.
10:07Er, but I would look somewhere in the region
10:10between 50 and 60,000.
10:16It's quite a lot less than I paid for it.
10:21Why is it quite a lot less than I paid for it?
10:23Er, what did you pay for it?
10:2580.
10:26OK.
10:27And I thought that was a bargain.
10:28Did you?
10:29Yes.
10:31Er, we could achieve a bit more,
10:33but I think we want to set it at a reasonable level.
10:35What would you set it out?
10:36Between 50 and 60, it's quite a big gap.
10:38Yeah, I would set it somewhere around 50
10:40to be as competitive as possible.
10:41So, not 60, 50?
10:43Yes.
10:46Having done a pretty poor selling job on the auctioneer,
10:51I went to the pub to meet Nick, the chef.
10:54I mean, I'm hoping that somebody's going to get up.
10:56Because I wanted to host a dare night
10:59where we'd serve food that people wouldn't normally want to eat.
11:04And initially, I did a pretty poor job of selling that, too.
11:10There are issues with it.
11:12The main issue is that, like, the pub is busy.
11:15It serves 600 to 700 people a day,
11:16and it serves them with food that they like.
11:19And what you're proposing is that we'll serve fewer people
11:22with food that they don't like.
11:26That's one way of looking at it.
11:28It's the way of looking at it.
11:30It's specifically what you want to do.
11:32Well, OK.
11:33It can be done. It can be done.
11:34I really want to do it.
11:36I really want to do it,
11:37because I just think there's a lot of food going to waste in this country.
11:40And you are right, you are right.
11:41That needn't go to waste.
11:43And also, I think it's important,
11:48particularly in light of the fact that meat prices are going through the roof.
11:52Yeah, a lot of money.
11:53There are cuts of meat that are way cheaper than that.
11:57And a lot of people are being forced into vegetarianism.
12:01That don't need to be forced into something that awful.
12:05It's definitely doable.
12:06I mean, we're going to serve,
12:08if it's a special event like Goose Night,
12:11then we'll probably have 120 seats max.
12:13But can we just discuss the menu?
12:16Just tell me, what can we have?
12:17So, realistically, can you do tripe in milk and onions?
12:20We can do tripe.
12:22Can you do sheep's heart?
12:24We can do sheep's heart.
12:25Have you ever cooked pig's ears?
12:27Yep.
12:28Snails.
12:29We've got to do snails, by the way,
12:30because we've now got quite a few of them at the farm.
12:33We've just had 2,000 born.
12:36Where's a snail born?
12:37It lay eggs.
12:38And the egg, it's quite extraordinary to watch.
12:41This little white egg, like caviar.
12:44Hey, I tell you what,
12:44you can actually eat the eggs.
12:46We could call it snail caviar.
12:49Yeah, 100%.
12:50So, snail caviar, we're good on.
12:52We're looking at sheep's brains.
12:54Is that a step too far for you or not?
12:55I've never had sheep's brains.
12:57I wonder if you can take a sheep's brain out
12:59and it's still alive.
13:01You know what I mean?
13:02The laws on animal welfare.
13:03Technically, I don't think a sheep would notice
13:05that its brains come out for a good month.
13:09So, brains, tripe and onions, snail caviar.
13:13Yep, fantastic.
13:14Could we do bat?
13:16Eating bats didn't see us well a few years ago, did they?
13:18True, that got bad PR.
13:28As the spring days ticked by,
13:31our crops began to fill out nicely.
13:41But over in the onion and beetroot field...
13:45Still the smartest field in the Cotswolds, this.
13:48Yeah.
13:49...the growth was a little harder to spot.
13:53Hey, look, that...
13:54Oh, that little green thing.
13:55No, that's a weed.
13:56Oh.
13:57Okay.
13:57There's the red beet.
13:58Look, there it is.
13:59Can you see how small it is?
14:01Oh, yeah.
14:01It's red.
14:03There it is.
14:03It's coming.
14:04That's generally...
14:04So, it's coming out.
14:06It's coming out like that.
14:07It's unwrappling itself.
14:08But it's coming.
14:09Yeah.
14:09So, that's good news.
14:11What about the onions?
14:12We have to go quite a long way for the onions.
14:14No, I'm king for that.
14:16I want to see if the onions are taken.
14:17I really want these to grow.
14:18I want to be the onion king of Chipping Norton.
14:22Look at the Agbot.
14:23Missed his bit of rolling here, look.
14:24No, no, no.
14:26That's the divide.
14:27Oh, that's the next one.
14:28So, that's how we...
14:29So, we didn't miss it.
14:30Take it back.
14:31No, not doing that.
14:32That's how we know when the red onions start
14:34and the beetroots finish.
14:36Er, this is good news.
14:38I've found the onions.
14:40There it is.
14:41Just there, look.
14:42That?
14:42That is an onion.
14:43I'm pleased with their start.
14:45Okay, well, that's good news.
14:48The only cloud on the horizon
14:50was that there weren't any clouds on the horizon.
14:55Weeks had passed since it had last rained.
14:59But Charlie wasn't overly worried.
15:03It cools down next week a bit
15:05and then we hopefully get some rain
15:06in the next couple of weeks
15:07and it will just keep you going.
15:08So, you reckon, just give me a...
15:09You know, I like a date and a time.
15:12When do we have to have some rain by?
15:14This will be all right for two or three weeks.
15:16Will it?
15:17I think so.
15:17Because it's going to cool down next week.
15:23There was obviously a bit of moisture in the soil
15:26because a few days later,
15:28some weeds began to appear.
15:32But these were quickly dealt with by the droid.
15:38A process that Caleb found absolutely fascinating.
15:52Me, though?
15:54I was looking for something to do.
15:57Hey, come and have a look at this.
16:02So, I've just been on the government's website,
16:05the government's,
16:06and it says...
16:07There's a whole thing here on large, leaky wooden dams,
16:10or woody dams, OK?
16:12So, it says it slows the movement of water,
16:16stores water, stops flooding downstream, blah, blah, blah.
16:19And they're prepared to pay for us to do it.
16:22They pay us to do it?
16:23They pay us to slow the water down.
16:26How much?
16:28Well, that's why I've called you over.
16:33£764.42p for each dam?
16:35Yeah.
16:36They're thinking we'll be like human beavers.
16:38The beavers don't make completely watertight hoover dams, do they?
16:43They just slow the water down.
16:44They just slow the water down.
16:45All we need to do, go down there,
16:48just lob a few of those logs in the stream.
16:50Lob them all in in a sort of arrangement.
16:53Yeah.
16:54It helps delay the passage of flood water downstream.
16:56Yeah.
16:57Allows sediment to settle out
16:59and reduces downstream flood risk.
17:02Let's go and do it.
17:03Let's just go and do it.
17:04There's 700...
17:04I can send Starmer a bill this afternoon for 750...
17:08No, no, no, 7,000.
17:09Could we go to Bill 10?
17:10We'll go to Bill 10.
17:11As I've been saying for a long time,
17:12this Labour government, bloody good.
17:15Bloody good.
17:17Well done, Starmer.
17:23The next morning, Caleb and I headed off to one of the streams
17:27in what was the first proper outing for my snazzy new UTV.
17:35Hill descent on.
17:37Must admit, it's very comfortable in here.
17:42At the stream, we found the makings of a dam,
17:45that nature had already started
17:48and identified some branches and shrubbery
17:51that we could use to improve it.
17:54Right, so my plan is,
17:56if we clear away that stuff up there,
17:59the flotsam and jetsam will come down here,
18:02wedge against what's already here,
18:04but nature builds it.
18:06Yeah.
18:07A leaky woody dam.
18:10There was, however, one serious sticking point.
18:14I'm just loath to do this,
18:16unless Amazon has sent some trained divers to rescue us
18:19in case we drown.
18:20Yeah.
18:21That's a big puddle.
18:24Oh, thank God.
18:25We've got them.
18:27Did you hear that?
18:28Amazon Health and Safety.
18:29Are you by a stream?
18:30Yeah.
18:31You have to have trained divers.
18:34To be fair, it's probably a good idea,
18:36because if you fell over and out,
18:36I couldn't save you.
18:37I couldn't save you.
18:38It's too deep.
18:38I know.
18:40Knowing we were now safe,
18:41we could get cracking,
18:43hacking into all the shrubbery and foliage upstream,
18:48which meant bringing back
18:49the diddly squat machine of devastation.
18:56Gazing rotors.
19:09You deserve a part of being created.
19:15Once the Robo Mulcher had daintily made its way down to the water,
19:22He's in!
19:24it got straight to work.
19:32Oh, yeah.
19:39Mince.
19:42Mince on toast.
19:45Yes!
19:47I was very rude about this in the last series.
19:50He said it was my second favorite machine on Earth.
19:53I was wrong.
19:54It's back at number one.
19:55It's back at number one.
19:57It's back at number one.
20:01Hey, Kay.
20:02Hi, Lisa.
20:04Right, let's just have a quick look at what we've achieved here.
20:08So, all this flotsam is going to wash away and jam up in that beaver-y type dam there,
20:15and thus creating a slow-moving bit, which is what you want to try and achieve.
20:20While the said flotsam made its way downstream, I set about clearing some branches with yet another tool of wonderment.
20:33Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
20:37Did you see that?
20:40Oh.
20:43With the pesky branches cleared away, we then had to remove a fallen tree.
20:50Which meant I could try out my new UTV's winch.
20:55Keep going.
20:57Okay.
20:59Tree removal unit.
21:06Bleeding, eh?
21:06Look at the size of this.
21:08There's a big old tree coming out.
21:10Keep coming a little bit more.
21:11Keep coming.
21:12Keep coming.
21:16Well, that would be perfect there.
21:25That machine is amazing.
21:27The last job was to chop the tree up to make some bigger logs for the dam.
21:35And by the close of play, we were better off to the tune of 764 pounds and 42 pence.
21:44Okay, all right, let's go back.
21:45The tea and medals.
21:46Do you know what we're actually making, accidentally?
21:50A really good poo sticks river.
21:53What's that?
21:55Oh, for fuck's sake.
22:05The next morning, as we set off to build a second dam, we had two passengers who loved the UTV
22:12even more than Ollie did.
22:15Hello, dog.
22:16How are you?
22:20They had it.
22:21You know, I told you at the weekend, I took them out in this.
22:25I got them out and they jumped straight back in and refused to get out of it.
22:29Why?
22:30They just love going along in it.
22:35First of all, we had to load up with some logs, which we'd used to make dam number two.
22:44Best day ever.
22:45Come on, out you come.
22:46Out you come.
22:47Come on.
22:48Good dogs.
22:50Want to put this one in?
22:51It's quite a nice one to lay in, isn't it?
22:52Look.
22:52Oh.
22:54Out.
22:54Get out.
22:55Aria.
22:56No, no.
22:59Aria.
23:00Come here.
23:01Come here.
23:02Come here.
23:04Come here.
23:08It's fungicised.
23:11Oh, for fuck.
23:15What are we going to do about this?
23:17Censor.
23:18Aria.
23:19Come here.
23:20Come here.
23:21Now stay.
23:23Having loaded up the logs, we headed off to our next dam site.
23:32This is fun.
23:35£764 is what it is.
23:38Hello.
23:39Charlie Island.
23:42All right.
23:43Um, you're building a dam.
23:46Well, we're building, specifically, a leaky woody dam.
23:50Excuse me.
23:50Large leaky.
23:51Large leaky woody dam.
23:52Because, you won't be able to argue with this.
23:56Gov UK.
23:57RP 33.
23:58Yeah.
23:59You found a grant.
24:00How much you'll be paid?
24:02700 odd quid.
24:04£764.42 for each dam.
24:07Yeah.
24:08So, we're going to build one here.
24:09One where?
24:10One there.
24:11Yeah.
24:12One across there.
24:13Five metres apart.
24:14About that.
24:15So, we reckon, even in the bit of stream we cleared out the other day,
24:19what, 100 yards?
24:20We could probably get about seven grand.
24:22That's great.
24:22That's really good.
24:23And what did the catcher and sensitive farming officer say?
24:26Hmm?
24:28What?
24:29You need approval.
24:30What do you mean, you need approval?
24:32It says that it's between three and five metres wide.
24:36Yep, yep, yep, yep.
24:37Hello.
24:37That's how you must do it.
24:39Yeah.
24:40It says what you must do.
24:42Yes, it's got to be between three and five metres wide.
24:44What you must do.
24:46Speak to catcher and sensitive farming about holding the water structure and action plan.
24:51So, you need to speak to them.
24:52I don't need that.
24:53For fuck's sake.
24:55And before they come, we'll have to remove that.
24:57Because you don't get paid for something you've done.
25:00You have to get approval, and then they give you the grant.
25:03And then you do the work.
25:04Well, I'm not going to.
25:05We'll just take them to another bit of the stream where we haven't done anything.
25:07And then bring them back down here after.
25:09They wouldn't know the difference.
25:11They won't know the difference.
25:12But I find this actually quite...
25:14No, no, no, no, no.
25:14We need to follow the rules.
25:16We can do it, you know, do it properly.
25:18I like your idea.
25:19OK, let's do it.
25:20No.
25:21OK, then.
25:22I will stop the environmental work, important environmental work that we've been doing.
25:27Am I getting all these out, then, or what?
25:28No.
25:29We don't have to show them this bit.
25:31We'll just say there was a storm, and they got blown here.
25:34The lovely chopped wood.
25:36Well, yeah, we chopped them down, and then they rolled down the bank here.
25:42After Charlie had temporarily kibossed the dam project, Caleb and I headed east.
25:51To see how much the green Lambo would make at the auction.
26:00Do you just get giddy at these kind of events?
26:03I love it.
26:04There's got to be at least £5 million of a kit here.
26:07More.
26:07There we go.
26:09Caleb was probably right, because up for sale was everything from high-end tracked tractors
26:17to characters from Pixar.
26:21They actually drive all the tractors through.
26:23Looks like it.
26:25Well, I hope they don't drive mine through.
26:27They're like beeping.
26:28Imagine.
26:29Right, morning, ladies and gentlemen.
26:31Welcome to Cambridge Machinery Cell.
26:33So, we'll start here.
26:34We start at Lot 3000.
26:35We're running up and down.
26:36We took our seats and I prepared myself for the usual bout of undecipherable auctioneer noises.
26:51This is like being in a cinema listening to a German film without subtitles.
26:57Do you not understand it?
26:59No.
26:59I can't.
27:00Happily, there was a screen which I could use as a sort of rural Google translate.
27:06Ah, 74,000.
27:08Sold.
27:12Not long now?
27:14No.
27:15We'll know when it's coming along, because we'll hear it beeping.
27:19Armrest alert.
27:20Service alert.
27:21I'm joking.
27:22I'm joking.
27:23Bill.
27:24I'm going down.
27:25Ladies and gentlemen, Lock 12, 46, the TTV Agritron 50k machine.
27:29Here it is.
27:43You're buying this tractor as it stands purely.
27:46There we go.
27:47There's going to be a frenzy of bidding. Frenzy.
27:50Good spec machine. Put me straight into some round. How do you value it? Put me in. 60,000 for
27:53you, surely?
27:5560,000.
28:0430, thank you, sir. 30,000. Panthers to start at 30,000.
28:0730,000. Fuck off.
28:0831, 32, 32, 33, 33, 34, 35, 35, 36, 36, 37, 37, 38.
28:16I can't even see who's bidding.
28:1740,000, 41. 41, never to 41, 42.
28:2142, never to 42, 43.
28:23Do you think every time they go over £1,000, it's less like you're lost?
28:2650,000 a bid, then a 51.
28:27Let's do that.
28:2952, add 52, never to 55.
28:31Make more than I thought it would.
28:3255,000 a bid, 55, 5.
28:35New bidder now.
28:3756,000, 56, 5.
28:38They obviously haven't seen the program.
28:4157, 5, never to 57, 5.
28:43The poor fella isn't up in the BB.
28:48He's going, will you please sell this fucking thing before I go dead?
28:5265,000 a bid, that's 65,000, that's 65,000 a bid, 65, 5, he's back.
28:56We were actually getting closer to the 80,000 that I'd paid for it.
29:00That's 70,000, 5, that's 70,000, 5, we're not done yet.
29:03That's 70,000, 500 a bid, then a 70,000, 5, that's 70,000, 500 a pound.
29:07It hammers up, fair winning in on then.
29:08And it sells this time of the way then at 70,000, 500 pounds.
29:12Sold 70,000 from us.
29:15Well, it's a bad.
29:16It was a financial hit, but it wasn't a financial kick in the nuts.
29:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:21What?
29:23That's the best that tractor's ever looked.
29:25Yeah, going away.
29:34Back at Diddly Squat, there was still no sign of any rain.
29:39Thank you very much.
29:40Good morning to you.
29:41The dry smell of weather is set to continue, certainly through today, certainly through the
29:47weekend, and for the first part of next week.
29:50Lots of dry weather, lots of sunshine.
29:52But Charlie wasn't panicking yet, so I got on with some matchmaking.
29:58Look, the writing on red gives it a nice romantic flavour.
30:02Aria was on heat, and therefore ready to spend some time with her boyfriend, Rodeo,
30:09so they could make some puppies.
30:12Here comes Rodeo.
30:13Oh, Rodeo.
30:14Look, we need a church for the wedding, darling.
30:16Where should we do it?
30:18Do we take them off the lead or keep them on?
30:20No, I think.
30:20Come on, Rodeo.
30:22There we go.
30:22Wrong.
30:23Wrong.
30:23That's her face.
30:24That's her face.
30:25That's in the eye.
30:25That's her face, Rodeo.
30:26That's her face.
30:27There you go.
30:28Can we all not laugh, please?
30:29It's not funny.
30:30But it's still her face.
30:32No.
30:32She's lifting her tail.
30:33That's a good sign.
30:35No.
30:35See?
30:36There we go.
30:37Welcome to Clarkson's Dog Porn.
30:41It's a new three-part series.
30:43It's called Only Dogging.
30:44Where dogs...
30:45Ah, finally.
30:46That's the right way round.
30:47Yes.
30:48Is he in?
30:49No, you're not in.
30:50He's not in.
30:50He's not in.
30:51No, it's just nowhere near in.
30:53It's...
30:53Oh, he's come all over our back.
30:54Oh, God.
30:56Shh.
30:58Arria really likes it, though.
30:59She really does.
31:00Yes.
31:01I was looking at Arria.
31:03I like that bit.
31:04Yeah, that's nice.
31:05Yeah, that's very sweet.
31:06Come on, Rodeo.
31:07There we go.
31:07Here we go.
31:08Here we go.
31:11That's a bit more promising.
31:21So, what are your plans for this evening?
31:23Well, I don't need pilates.
31:25And I thought for tonight we'd have...
31:26I've got some prawns.
31:28I'll probably get that one.
31:29It's a good idea.
31:30Yeah.
31:32Eventually, nature did take its course.
31:37And later that day, I was able to get to the pub to see Nick.
31:43Because it was now just over 24 hours before dare night.
31:48So, are you across the dare night menu?
31:52Yeah, 100%.
31:52Like...
31:53And you don't foresee any...
31:56Um, do you have snail caviar?
31:59Yes.
31:59Yes.
32:00But there is one tiny, weeny hurdle, which is called Lisa,
32:07who believes that the snail eggs, which is the caviar,
32:12she believes that they're going to be used to breed more snails
32:15to create her face and hand cream.
32:18So, I'm going to have to steal her eggs without her noticing.
32:25If I ask her, she'll just say no.
32:28How much do you need, do you think?
32:31We're going to need about 22 ounces, we reckon,
32:34which is quite a lot.
32:36All right.
32:39Given how small the eggs were, that did indeed sound like a lot.
32:44So, back in Lisa's snail garden,
32:46I helped myself to pretty much everything I could find.
32:52Removing the mud.
32:54Now then, tweezers.
32:56On a scale of how delicate you need to be,
32:59you've got diffusing a nuclear weapon,
33:01then eye surgery on a child,
33:04and then at the very top, creating snail caviar.
33:09Right.
33:10I can't afford to break a single one of these eggs.
33:13Not a single one.
33:20Jesus Christ, this is...
33:22Decanting the eggs proved to be such a fiddly job
33:26that I had to ramp up my eyewear.
33:32I literally can't see anything.
33:44I thought, oh, that's a soup spoon.
33:50Where's the... oh, there it is.
33:53Let's just see how much we've got there.
33:58Oh, come on!
34:00That is exactly an ounce of snail eggs in there.
34:05One ounce.
34:06We need 20 times more than that.
34:18The following day, dare night day,
34:22I delivered my contraband to Nick and our new head chef, Max.
34:28Bad news is I wasn't able to get as many bits of caviar as you wanted.
34:34I've only got 15.
34:37Kind of need a little teaspoon or something, don't we, to taste this?
34:40Well, we can't really afford to taste it, can we?
34:44We haven't got...
34:47Do take care of these.
34:48There we will.
34:49That's got anywhere.
34:50My testes are going to be ripped off
34:52when Lisa finds out where we got them from.
34:56I then went inside to say hello to an old friend.
35:00Hey!
35:01Hello!
35:02Thomas!
35:03Who'd agreed to supply a palate cleanser for customers
35:06who weren't enjoying the dishes on offer.
35:10Are you okay? Everything good?
35:11Yeah, no, I'm very good.
35:13Thomas had originally appeared in the second series of Clarkson's Farm
35:18when he'd cooked up some chilli jam for the farm's shop.
35:21What are you...
35:23Fucking hell.
35:24Back then, his fiery concoction measured 4 million on the Scoville heat scale.
35:32Oh, my giddy heart.
35:34But for dare night, he'd gone a bit further than that.
35:39This is very hot.
35:41This is like 9 million.
35:44And this is 15 million Scoville unit.
35:4715?
35:4815.15.
35:4915 million?
35:51Yeah.
35:52Jesus.
35:53This is the best hot in the world now.
35:55In the world?
35:56Yeah.
35:56You make you crazy in a mouth.
35:59But if you drank all that, it would kill you?
36:02Maybe not kill you, but you have little trouble in the stomach, everywhere.
36:08So your bottom would be broken?
36:10Yeah.
36:10Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:10You'd be broke.
36:12On the basis I couldn't serve something that I hadn't tried myself,
36:17I decided to sample the 15 million version.
36:23You're all ready or not?
36:26Which one?
36:27No.
36:27The smallest.
36:29The smallest.
36:29The tiniest amount of that.
36:32I'm scared now.
36:35You made it.
36:36I know.
36:37Not since Oppenheimer has anyone been as scared by their own creation as you are by that.
36:43Okay, Jeremy.
36:44Come on.
36:44What are you doing?
36:45Okay.
36:46Hit it.
36:46Tiny, tiny bit.
36:49No.
36:50It's not too much.
36:52This is too much.
36:53No, stop it.
36:54Stop it.
36:54That's far too much.
36:56Here we go.
36:56Okay, cheers.
37:08What do you think?
37:09Maybe it's not too much.
37:12Yes, it is.
37:13The war.
37:15Ah.
37:21Ah.
37:22That's a big bullity gap.
37:25Holy f**king hell.
37:27Ah.
37:28The war.
37:30Oh.
37:33Oh.
37:35Right in there.
37:38Ah.
37:39Ah.
37:39Ah.
37:40Oh, shit, man.
37:45Oh, God.
37:47Oh, my ears just...
37:49It's actually blown my...
37:51Oh, God, my ear.
37:54Oh, my fucking ear.
37:56Oh, yo, yo, yo.
37:59Oh, man.
38:08It's fucking hot.
38:12Oh, I apologize.
38:16Oh, okay.
38:19No better.
38:23Having worked out that the chilli sauce was survivable...
38:26Oh, well.
38:29...and could therefore be served, I went to the kitchen.
38:33Which was now a hive of dare-night activity.
38:38Well then, guys, how are we looking?
38:41The chefs were prepping sheep's hearts, brains and pig's ears.
38:47And Nick himself was attending to one of the menu's star terms.
38:53Squirrel.
38:54Yeah, the squirrel.
38:56And how are we cooking it?
38:57We're going to flour it and deep fry it.
39:00Wild garlic, loads of salt and pepper, a little bit of a marinade on it.
39:03Seasoned flour, crispy.
39:05Crispy?
39:05Crispy squirrel.
39:07I'm guessing people will be finding this particular scene not to their taste, but...
39:13But this is, I mean...
39:15Those are wild, free-range animals.
39:17You are 100% better off to eat this than a battery-farm chicken.
39:20Like, this had a great life and then somebody, as you can see, who's a fucking great shot...
39:36It's an incredibly small pipe.
39:38Classical chef training doesn't cover the full squirrel anatomy, to be honest with you, so I can't answer you that
39:42question.
39:43I think that's going to have to be Googled.
39:46I left the chefs to it.
39:51And come early evening, after the guests had arrived, I talked everyone through the point of the event.
40:03Good evening, everybody.
40:05Good evening.
40:06Good evening, and thank you all very much for coming to the first of what we hope will be many
40:10dare food nights at the Farmer's Dog.
40:13It's a fun night, of course, but there's actually a serious bit of thinking behind this.
40:18Because, as I'm sure you've noticed, if you've been to even a supermarket or a butcher shop recently, meat is
40:24getting expensive.
40:2542 quid for a leg of lamb in my own butcher shop.
40:31That's a huge amount of money.
40:32Steak is expensive.
40:34Beef prices are riding incredibly high right now.
40:37It's getting to the point where meat is becoming a luxury good, which is why we're all here tonight.
40:43We're going to be trying animals that you probably have never eaten before, or we're going to be trying cuts
40:48of meat that you probably don't ordinarily eat.
40:51Just all I would give you is one word of advice, is sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels
40:57odd.
40:58Because you're used to eating steak and chicken and pork and lamb and so on, but get past that.
41:04Think, okay, I'm not eating phlegm, it feels like I am, but actually the taste is delicious.
41:11And once you start doing that, I hope you'll go away and the next time you're in a butcher shop
41:16go, actually, you know what, I will have tripe, I will have this, I will have that, I will try
41:21something, and it is a damn sight cheaper.
41:24Thank you for listening, everybody, and let's have some fun.
41:32I love that caviar up here now, Louis.
41:43Crispy fries here.
41:45No problem.
41:47Lisa and I were hosting on our table David the butcher, Charlotte, Caleb, Charlie...
41:55Whatever I could drink and Annie who wasn't looking forward to the evening one little bit
42:03Are we good to start sending
42:06So this in each tin
42:08We have snail caviar with the blinis. Is that sour cream guys?
42:14Pen fresh, okay, right then boys coming through
42:19So exciting
42:27So what we have here ladies and gentlemen are your snails with garlic butter and then snail caviar
42:34Get them in and then we can just hold them if
42:39Can I just say raise our glass to Lisa for growing these snails and the caviar
42:43Well, thank you Lisa
42:46So what do I do? How do I eat this?
42:49Sort of
42:51You're gonna pop them between your teeth
42:54That is, Gina, that is, I'm a big fan
42:58The diners gamely tucked into the snails and snail caviar
43:04Was that all right?
43:06Happen with the snails?
43:08Yes
43:08Which was a bit of a relief because the next course took things up a gear
43:14It looks like KFC
43:16We've changed it there to Cotswold fried squirrel. Look, it's CFS
43:20There is a
43:22Lisa you look convinced
43:24That's
43:25What part of the squirrel is that?
43:30I'm not loving that
43:31I'm not loving that
43:32It's like rats
43:33They're so bad
43:34The taste though wasn't the biggest problem
43:38This is fucking smell
43:40The smell is horrible
43:42It stinks
43:44It stinks
43:45It smells like a pet shop
43:48I have washed my hands twice
43:50And still all I can smell is the squirrel
43:53Do you like the squirrel?
43:55One
43:55Two
43:56Oh, a few people like the squirrel
43:58That was the smell
44:00Yeah, the smell
44:02But listen, it's the uterus next, everybody
44:05So
44:05Yay!
44:08Right then, next course
44:10Are we good to start sending?
44:12You have your pig's ears and your uterus
44:19Why not?
44:22What, the uterus?
44:23No
44:24Pig's ears
44:25Mmm, I'm with you on the pig's ear
44:26So, we've got a lamb's brain here
44:29Stuffed heart
44:31Oh, I love heart
44:32The lamb's brain is absolutely delicious
44:34It's really good
44:36Do you remember when Anthony Hopkins ate Ray Liotto?
44:40Yes
44:41Yeah, and at the end of Hannibal
44:44He ate Ray Liotto's brains
44:46While he was still alive
44:48It spreads quite well
44:50You're going lamb's brain, Annie?
44:51I'm going to think about it
44:52Really?
44:54Annie, you are the champion of farm shops
44:56You are literally the queen of it
44:58And so far, your place is entirely untouched by food
45:02Is there anything you like?
45:05Have you tried the heart?
45:06Have you smelt it?
45:08You're going to have to eat something, Annie
45:10What is this?
45:11Is this the first step?
45:19But no, lamb's brains
45:20It's not a big meal
45:22That explains everything
45:24How thick they are
45:27As Annie decided she didn't like brains either
45:31I went off to prep our palate cleansers
45:36First, though, some precautions
45:41Pass it down, everybody
45:42We've got fire extinguishers in case your mouth catches fire
45:46Actual fire extinguishers are full of milk
45:50Guys, guys, guys, please
45:52This does matter
45:53The one with the cocktail stick in
45:56Is the 15 million on the Scoville scale
46:00The yellowy one is 7 million
46:02The sort of redy one in the middle is 9
46:057 million, as I say, is very, very, very hot
46:09Hotter than anything you will have ever tasted
46:11Nine?
46:12Way hotter than that
46:1515?
46:1515?
46:16A speck
46:17Thank you, darling
46:18The diners took the plunge
46:27And then...
46:33I made a big escape
46:34Come on
46:44Are you okay?
46:53Oh, that's pain
47:01As one of the guests deposited his cleansed palate along with quite a lot of squirrel into our flower beds
47:11We had a chat on our table about what we'd learned
47:15I'm just thinking, is there one thing from tonight we could put on the menu?
47:20Pig's ears
47:21The feedback from people
47:22The pig's ears
47:27Snails are a winner
47:27Charlie, no
47:28Snails were really popular
47:30So we just need more snails
47:32Stay away from the snails
47:33No, forget your hand cream, let's just eat them
47:36Well, listen, it was a fun night and it was good for the pub
47:40We only killed six people, so that's not bad at all
47:47Dare night was one of those wonderful, carefree moments that had peppered our lives over the last few weeks
47:57We'd welcomed some new additions
48:04Taken our farm into the next century
48:08The Starship Enterprise has just landed at Diddley Squat
48:12And generally revelled in being on the land
48:18Look at that size, come on
48:22But at the beginning of May
48:25It started to become clear
48:29That trouble was brewing
48:31So, dry start to spring
48:34The driest since 1956
48:36And concerns there could be a drought this summer
48:38Farmers are reporting their crops are struggling after March
48:41And April saw only half their usual rainfall
48:44Let's go to Harry Metcalf
48:46First of all
48:46Three weeks ago, Charlie had said we needed some rain in the next three weeks
49:00That time had now passed without so much as a drop
49:08If we go 30 yards this way
49:10And the crops were starting to struggle
49:14Look, you see what the weather's doing? You see how that flag leaf is closed?
49:18Flag leaf is this one?
49:19Yes, correct
49:20And that's curling round because then the little bit of moisture it's got
49:23It protects it from the wind and the sunshine
49:24You can actually see that the leaf is curling round
49:28And then the yellow at the top is telling me it's under stress
49:33Yeah
49:34Other ones down here, like that one, they're shriveled
49:37So they've given up
49:37I've got this one here, so this one
49:39Yeah, there we go, that's a brilliant example
49:41That's just died
49:42So, okay, we put one seed in the ground
49:45And it was going to produce three of these
49:49But because it didn't rain, that one and that one have died
49:53Yeah
49:54You know Harry Metcalf, Harry's farm does a YouTube challenge
49:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, just farms
49:58He was saying, because of this, we're losing, as a country, the UK
50:04100,000 tonnes of just wheat, not barley, just wheat a day
50:10And have been for a month
50:13And the other thing about it, it's so short
50:16I know
50:17There's going to be no straw
50:18That's true
50:21There'll be no bread or straw
50:22No
50:24Nothing for the cattle to sit on
50:26We do need for it to rain
50:33The days rolled on, but the skies remained resolutely cloudless
50:41Looks like a fucking desert out there, that
50:43I know
50:43I came up here the other day, I thought we were growing stones
50:47But all that effort we went to in that field, and then God went, and you're having no rain
50:53And with no sign of any coming, Charlie had called a meeting in the onion and beetroot field, which by
51:00now, should have been showing an emerging crop
51:07When did we put them in, a month ago?
51:09That's six and a half weeks ago
51:11Six and a half weeks, and this is all we've got so far, which is nothing
51:15There it is
51:17They've now there a few years
51:18They've now just fraddled
51:20Bollocks
51:21What are we going to do?
51:24I think, particularly in these areas here, and when we can band it off, I would re-drill those bits
51:31Redrill this. What about the onions?
51:33Yeah, over the far side.
51:34So, replant this, most of this field?
51:37Yes. Even though there's...
51:39Even though there's no moisture.
51:41Right.
51:42So, beetroots and onions, disaster.
51:46Up the Swanee, lost because of the weather.
51:49Oh.
51:56Last year, it was too wet. This year, it's too dry.
52:02Jesus Christ.
52:13Look, here's the dog. Look, the dog's doing it.
52:16Me! Dad! Dad, it is!
52:18No, no, no.
52:19Oh, my God.
52:21Hey, hey, hey, hey!
52:22Jesus!
52:23This guy has travelled 8,000 miles.
52:25What is he? A garden warbler.
52:28So, you were going to do the combining this year?
52:30We can't afford spillages.
52:32God's sake, Caleb.
52:34Look, that's raining it.
52:35Shit!
52:36Go, go, go!
52:41Well, things can't get worse.
52:44Mmm...
52:44I know.
52:46I've got bad news.
52:49Mmm...
52:50I know...
52:52I know.
52:53I know.
52:59Oh, my thing, I know.
53:03Oh, my God.
53:06Hell, what?
53:06Ready, game?
53:34We'll see you next time.