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00:23With spring upon us, we had to prepare for a couple of important events on the Diddly Squats
00:29as a social calendar, because both the cows and the easy-care sheep would soon be giving birth.
00:45Elsewhere, our new alarm clocks were settling in nicely,
00:51and the Agbot's Presbyterian work ethic meant farmering was going on day and night.
00:59Here's the important thing to remember. Caleb, right now, tucked up in bed, not willing to work.
01:06He is, though.
01:07You are love, you are black, you're lazy loving like a heart attack.
01:16In fact, the Agbot had inspired me to upgrade my office.
01:23So, that's your office.
01:25Yeah.
01:26Still very much in the farming world, but this is now a very advanced farm.
01:33A technological farm.
01:34And I needed an office to reflect that.
01:38Here it is.
01:40Mission Control.
01:41Oh.
01:42Holy moly.
01:43The old barn.
01:45Cleared out.
01:45Well, I basically thrown Lisa out of it, because she was using it as a storage for the shop.
01:51Cold winter's evenings, we light a fire, and we sit there on the two-pound three-piece suite.
01:59Okay?
02:00This is for important business meetings.
02:03Okay?
02:04The filing cabinets are there.
02:06Pick award.
02:07But this is...
02:09What are all these?
02:10Pull up a chair.
02:11I'll talk you through it.
02:14Crows are a bit weird, but...
02:16Crows are great.
02:17That's the word you're looking for.
02:18But, here we go.
02:20What we've got here is a total map of the farm.
02:24Yeah?
02:25That just shows a picture of a rabbit.
02:27Definitely a rabbit.
02:28Look, he's even got two ears, somehow.
02:32So, this is 6,000 images from the drone.
02:36Look at the picture on that.
02:37I know.
02:38Look at that bit you missed, look.
02:39There's the farm shop.
02:40Look at the bit you missed there, look.
02:42The drilling.
02:43Who?
02:44You!
02:45You did drill that.
02:46Oh, I did drill that, yeah.
02:47Yeah.
02:47Did I miss all that?
02:48Yeah.
02:49Have I done that?
02:50You went out of seed.
02:51And that?
02:52Oh my God, I have missed all that.
02:55Fuck.
02:58Shit.
02:58Wish I hadn't showed you this.
03:00Yeah.
03:00So, that's all there, right?
03:02That is our farm.
03:03Now we move on to the ag bot.
03:05So, this is the field it's currently doing.
03:07Yeah, there it is.
03:08And it's presently here.
03:10It is.
03:11You can actually see the line, it's on.
03:14And putting the clothes weight down.
03:18Look at your face.
03:21Okay, can you just push the up and down arrows simultaneously?
03:25Now.
03:27Oh, wow.
03:31How far are we going with it?
03:32What?
03:33You gonna hit the crow?
03:34Oh, that'll do.
03:35Hang on.
03:36So now, we can operate if you stand up.
03:39When shit gets serious.
03:40When shit gets serious, we can just come and go, I think this is a standing up operation.
03:46Lean over.
03:47Now, look at this.
03:49I've got a dashboard for the ag bot here.
03:52Oh, engine speed, 2000.
03:54Engine percent load at current speed, 67%.
03:57I believe tank level, 95%.
04:00Engine oil level.
04:01Yep.
04:0282.
04:0282 millimeters.
04:03No, I don't know whether that's good or not.
04:05And then just drop down here, so you just move.
04:08Front camera, full screen.
04:09There we are.
04:10That's live TV coming from the front of the ag bot.
04:14How cool is that?
04:16Flip it to the back.
04:16Look, there goes the red kites.
04:18Look, dive bombing it.
04:19They're loving it, cos there's no new farmer in it.
04:20Cos I normally open the door, beat the horn to scare them off.
04:23Now, the other thing is, each pixel is two centimetres.
04:26So it's phenomenally detailed.
04:29While I was buggering them out the other day,
04:31something I've noticed...
04:34There.
04:35That we have had a visitation...
04:38From a fly tipper.
04:39From a fucking fly tipper.
04:41You would chuck a...
04:42What is it, a fridge?
04:43Dunno.
04:44It's a white good.
04:45Who would put that there?
04:47Out of all the places where you...
04:49Well, we've got to go get that back.
04:50And since...
04:51Hello, you too.
04:52Hello, mate.
04:53How are you, Gerald?
04:54Welcome to Mission Control.
04:56Oh!
04:57It's a grin they come up to now.
04:59There it is going along.
05:01Yeah.
05:03Yeah.
05:04These things will never take over a man.
05:07I'm not a five-minute boy that you can just take him his tea
05:10and his sandwiches out.
05:11On the other hands, I'd jump straight out of the bath
05:13and go out with no clothes on.
05:16So you're not sold on this, Gerald?
05:18Well, nobody ever knows where there's ever been there.
05:22It's hardly nothing.
05:23I can't remember what year it was,
05:25but the only story with that is,
05:27it just keeps going over the same piece
05:29and they're coming up the top
05:30and not grating my garden planting seeds
05:33with no pants on.
05:38After Gerald had dispensed his wisdom,
05:43we went off to do a bit of tidying up.
05:48Because I've got the Agbot, which can cultivate all by itself,
05:52I'm free to do this kind of job,
05:56clearing up the mess left by filthy, filthy riff-raff.
06:03Fucking fly-tippers, honestly.
06:12I'd love to be in the mind of the people who thought,
06:15we need to get rid of this fridge,
06:17we'll lob it through this hedge.
06:19Do they not realise how much annoyance and effort and expense
06:22is needed to clear the bloody thing up again?
06:28The Agbot had also created time for us to do some jobs in the woods.
06:36And a big one was clearing up all the trees
06:39that had been blown over by Storm Dara.
06:43And because the green Lambo was off games with yet another technical fault,
06:49I had to fire up the goat.
06:54Oh, the jerky gear changes.
06:57The complete lack of braking.
07:00It's like being back at home.
07:09God, there's more than I remember.
07:11One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
07:19So there's ten from just where I'm standing here.
07:22To deal with the problem, I'd hired a meaty winch.
07:25So this is like a, this is the anchor?
07:28Yeah.
07:30Stop, lower.
07:33With the ground anchor lowered and the tree shackled...
07:37This is going to feel good.
07:38Ready?
07:39Go for it.
07:39...we winched and dragged the first tree out of the woods.
07:45Yes!
07:47Powerful Lambo.
07:53Yeah, onto the next.
07:59The work was especially satisfying...
08:03...because Caleb and I were working as a team...
08:08...until we weren't.
08:10There's one tree stuck between two, so it's fell down between two.
08:14If we pull it, it's going to probably lock up.
08:16Right, here's my plan.
08:18Get the winch...
08:20...round that tree...
08:21Yeah.
08:22...and attach it to the top.
08:24That won't work.
08:25Oh, it will.
08:26No, it'll just pull the tree that way.
08:27Yes, that's what I want.
08:28No, I don't want to do that.
08:29No, I do, because then...
08:30I don't.
08:30No, please be quiet.
08:32No, no, hear me out.
08:33Come round this one, around like that.
08:35Back around, onto the...
08:37...right at the beginning of the trunk.
08:38Yeah, yeah.
08:39As you pull, it should technically pull the tree like this.
08:42And then we stop when we get to here.
08:44Use that tree there.
08:45My way's easier.
08:47No, it's not.
08:47As we were arguing, the voice of reason arrived.
08:51How are you?
08:52How's it going?
08:53Quickly, Charlie, do you think this is going to work?
08:55What?
08:56The logic of his thinking.
08:58Well, I don't know what he's thinking.
08:59So, we're going to pull this around to there.
09:01The light end.
09:02Yes.
09:02Very close to it.
09:03Now, it won't work.
09:05It's going to get jammed on that tree and that tree.
09:07Why don't you just cut it?
09:09No, I changed it for the week.
09:11What?
09:12Well, we've got the power.
09:13The chainsaws are for the week?
09:15Yeah.
09:16I'll just stand out of the way.
09:18It won't work.
09:19It will.
09:21It won't.
09:22OK, we're going to do it.
09:23And then if it doesn't work, I've failed.
09:26Give me strength.
09:29Ready?
09:29Yeah.
09:36That's going up.
09:38I didn't do that.
09:40What are you doing?
09:42I'm not doing that.
09:46What the fuck's it doing?
09:49Caleb, why is it doing that?
09:51I don't know.
09:52Press the stop button.
09:58Caleb?
09:58No.
09:59Press down now.
10:00Just press down once.
10:01What?
10:02Press down once.
10:03Just press down.
10:05No.
10:06Oh, for fuck's sake.
10:09After Caleb had manually lowered the anchor...
10:15Useless.
10:15...I initiated my tree-hauling plan.
10:19Ready?
10:23Just going to pivot round exactly as I planned.
10:30Yes!
10:31Look at that.
10:32He's going to be happy with that, isn't he?
10:36He's got to turn up now and say,
10:38well done, Jeremy, your plan worked.
10:41Slack it off.
10:43Nothing.
10:44So far, nothing.
10:46Drive.
10:47He's not going to admit that my plan worked.
10:51But I know it did.
10:53I know it did.
10:54I'm going to go to sleep, so I'm going, my plan worked.
10:58I'm not going to lift this down for a long time, am I?
11:02Sadly, there was no time to enjoy being right,
11:05because Lisa summoned me back to the farmyard.
11:10She said there was a problem.
11:12It was too quiet.
11:19Can you hear anything?
11:21No.
11:23You can't hear? They're not in here, are they?
11:26I don't know. I'm going to go back here.
11:36Oh, shit.
11:38What?
11:40Guinea fell feathers.
11:44Oh, no.
11:47Oh, flip.
11:51Oh, and another one.
11:52Oh, for God's sake.
11:56That's a fox, isn't it?
11:57Just killing for fun.
11:58Yep.
12:00How am I going to explain this?
12:02Granddaughter coming for the weekend.
12:03Can I go and see the guinea fowl?
12:05Er...
12:06The good thing is, we can indoctrinate her from an early age
12:09to not be trapped into that London way of thinking
12:11that foxes are sweet.
12:13Oh, I saw a fox in Wandsworth and he was so sweet.
12:16No, he wasn't.
12:17He's a murdering bastard.
12:20Jeremy?
12:21Yeah?
12:22Good news, there.
12:24Oh, one of them's...
12:25One of them survived.
12:26Fuck for that.
12:27Well done.
12:29You can stay up there.
12:31It's safe.
12:32Poor thing.
12:33Seeing it's all brothers and sisters being massacred.
12:40Fortunately, later that day, there was just the job to cheer us up.
12:44Are there any of them bagging up?
12:47I think there's a couple.
12:49With the cows about to give birth, we needed to turn the barn into a maternity ward.
12:55So Lizzie the goat farmer was coming along to help us move these horned lawn mowers out into the fields.
13:02Afternoon all.
13:03Lizzie!
13:04Hi, Lizzie.
13:05Hello, Lizzie.
13:06How are you?
13:06What's occurring?
13:08Moving them.
13:09The easiest way would be to use a trailer, but as it was such a lovely spring afternoon, I decided
13:16to go old school.
13:17So they're going into a field called Hollowback, which is not very far away, so you should be able to
13:21walk them down.
13:23Sorry, what did you just say there?
13:25Walk them down.
13:26It's just there.
13:27What could possibly go wrong?
13:29Nothing, honestly.
13:31Now, here's what we're going to do, all right?
13:33We're going to move you into a field called Hollowback, which is full of lovely, tasty, juicy grass, and you
13:39will be very happy in there.
13:41So you are going to be the leader, okay?
13:43I wonder what the goat's thinking.
13:45He's thinking, what is that muppet saying to me?
13:48LAUGHTER
13:51There you go.
13:54Go on!
13:55Who said we needed a trailer?
13:59Hey!
13:59What are you doing?
14:00Go that way.
14:02Come on!
14:03Come on!
14:04Come on!
14:05No.
14:05Oi.
14:06None of you.
14:06Go on.
14:06That way.
14:10Can we not climb up there, please?
14:12All of you, stop this nonsense.
14:15No, no, no.
14:16This is going well.
14:17Oh, for fuck's sake.
14:19Go on, Jesus.
14:20Go on.
14:20Come on.
14:21Get off.
14:22This isn't working.
14:24It's your fault.
14:26Oi.
14:27Listen to this.
14:28Tasty snack.
14:30I think what's happening here is they're dining on steak and I'm offering them kale.
14:37Once they'd finished their buffet, though...
14:39Go on, off you get.
14:40Go, go, go.
14:41We got them headed in the right direction.
14:44Come on.
14:45Come on, you.
14:46You're in charge.
14:47I put you in charge.
14:48Keep going.
14:49Keep going.
14:50Come on.
14:52Oh, look, now the sheep want to run, too.
14:55Hello, sheep.
14:57That's quite a picture now, isn't it?
14:59Isn't that?
15:01I love the fact that he's got his ag bot and then he's moving goats like this.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Come on, goats.
15:08Come on.
15:09Come on.
15:10Get off.
15:10Come on.
15:11Come on.
15:11Come on.
15:12Come on.
15:12Come on.
15:13I mean, look at that sight.
15:16Come on.
15:17On the night like tonight, farming is the best job in the world.
15:25Yes.
15:27Yes.
15:29Yes.
15:29Why did I waste my life driving round corners shouting?
15:33Oh, no, I remember.
15:35I wouldn't have been able to afford to do this.
15:38Yes, that's what it is.
15:39Come on, boys.
15:40Come along.
15:40After the most delightful journey, we got the goats to their new field.
15:46That's done.
15:47Are they all in, then?
15:48Yes, I think so.
15:49Just like that.
15:51That was a work of art, that was.
15:53Well, that was heavenly.
15:55The rural Lord Sugar, however, thought the whole thing was a bit of an indulgence.
16:01I thought we were kind of cut down the animals on the farm.
16:04We are cutting the animals.
16:04To streamline the farm.
16:05We are.
16:06How are we?
16:07Pigs.
16:07Yeah, okay, right.
16:09Sheeps, eventually.
16:10And what about these?
16:11No.
16:11Why?
16:13Mainly the film crew.
16:14Well, do you actually want them here?
16:16We'll have a vote, film crew.
16:18Who wants the goats to stay?
16:20What?
16:22They're part of the crew.
16:23They're part of the crew.
16:25No, they absolutely love the goats.
16:28Yeah.
16:30Look at those two.
16:33That's like a Cadbury's Flake advert.
16:36Anyone remember that?
16:38They just used to get very, very good-looking girls to wander through a poppy field or a wheat field
16:46in lacy dresses eating a Cadbury's Flake.
16:49One of whom I think married Roger Taylor, the drummer and Queen.
16:54I have no idea what you're on about.
16:56Did you know?
16:57Oh.
16:58I don't know what you're on about.
17:00Sometimes I just nod now.
17:05The following morning, I started the day by checking in on our one remaining guinea fowl.
17:15Hello, guinea fowl.
17:17Hello.
17:18Hello.
17:21Oh, no.
17:24For fuck's sake, this is just beyond belief.
17:30It's just bitten its head off.
17:33It hasn't even eaten it.
17:35Oh, no.
17:38Oh, no.
17:40He's had the lot.
17:45There was, though, only time to seethe, not mourn.
17:51Because today was a big day on the Agbot front.
17:59It had finished cultivating all the fields and would now be charged with the most important job of them all.
18:06Planting the seeds.
18:09Yes!
18:11We have begun.
18:13We are drilling the lager.
18:15And we're drilling it into well-prepared, well-fertilised fields on time.
18:22One Swede finished hooking up the drill.
18:26That's like this side lined up.
18:29Yeah?
18:31The Agbot eagerly set off with the Luddite, as ever, full of praise for it.
18:37Look, it's not drilling now. Look, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling, not drilling.
18:41Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
18:43That's all amiss.
18:44No.
18:45That is all amiss.
18:46Just there is amiss.
18:47It comes on when it's ready.
18:49No, that's all amiss.
18:50Just here will not grow anything.
18:53Yes.
18:54It starts blowing it out when it's ready.
18:57Yeah.
18:57It will lower the thing, turn the fan on, then start when it wants to.
19:01That is a drill miss.
19:02And it's not supposed to.
19:03That's a drill miss.
19:04It is.
19:04It'll come back over it.
19:06Oh, God, it did the other day.
19:10Despite Caleb's relentless negativity, my machine set about this new task with its usual precision.
19:17And there he goes.
19:19Inch perfect again.
19:21There was one drawback with the Agbot, though.
19:25It's not allowed on the public highway.
19:27So, when it needed to get from one field to another across a road, I suspected life would be a
19:35massive faff.
19:37Where are you going now?
19:39I'm going to do Arlo's.
19:40How are you going to get down there, then?
19:42Ah.
19:42Well, I'm going to take the drill off, attach it to the Lambo, drive the Lambo down there, drop the
19:52drill off in the field, bring the Lambo back to the yard, attach it to the trailer, put the Agbot
19:58on the trailer, drive that down to Arlo's, take the Agbot off the trailer, and reattach it to the drill.
20:08That's...
20:08By the time you've done all of that, I could have completed the whole farm drilling, as well as probably
20:13another 30 other farms.
20:15Caleb had a point.
20:17My plan would be incredibly time-consuming, and as we're on TV, I couldn't just ignore the law.
20:24So I came up with a rather clever solution.
20:29Watch this, ready?
20:30With this simple black cloth.
20:36Right, now.
20:49Ta-da!
20:52So there we are, just this... I don't know where these time-marks have come from, it's a mystery.
20:57But there we are, onwards.
21:04Back in the world of animal farming, things were starting to happen in the cow barn.
21:12With one of the moo-call alarms alerting me that a calf was on its way.
21:27It's out already!
21:30Lisa, it's out, it's here, we have a car.
21:33Go home, quick!
21:34And then they get a call from the moo-call saying, birth imminent. It doesn't say, birth has happened.
21:40Look!
21:42Endgame's first child.
21:46She's eating the placenta and doing everything properly.
21:51That is just so cool.
21:53That's a very handsome vase.
21:55Beautiful.
21:57I love the way that it affects the others, look, they're all...
22:00Yeah, they're all coming into it. Look, that's rather sweet.
22:05The first calf had been born at a civilised hour.
22:10The next one, however...
22:19New call went off at 3.15. It's now...
22:2410 to 5.
22:28Nothing.
22:29Welcome to the world of the beef farmer.
22:32I'm not sure there's a whole lot I can do. You're going to have to start the pushing at this
22:36stage.
22:40Oh, she doesn't know where she wants to be, does she?
22:43You know, you want to be standing up or lying down.
22:47Come on.
22:49Come on.
22:50Push.
22:51Push.
22:54There's a foot.
22:57Yeah, she has given birth so far to a balloon and a hoof.
23:03Come on.
23:05Definitely two feet.
23:09And...
23:10Back in again.
23:25And there's the dawn chorus.
23:28Mm-mm.
23:33Eventually, a mere two hours and 45 minutes after the moocall had gone off...
23:41The alien is coming.
23:43Oh, come on, big push.
23:45Big push.
23:46There's a nose.
23:49Ooh, an eye.
23:51Ooh, an owl head.
23:53A head.
23:55And...
23:56An ear.
23:57A neck.
24:00Yes!
24:01Come on.
24:04And...
24:06Come on, push, push, push.
24:08Back, just the hips.
24:10Come on, push.
24:12There we go.
24:12Come on.
24:14Come on.
24:14I'm ready.
24:14Yeah, I'm ready, my dear.
24:16Come on.
24:17Get some straw in there.
24:19Come on.
24:20Let's have some breathing.
24:21There we go.
24:22Come on.
24:24Yes.
24:28That looks like a great little calf.
24:33Come on.
24:34Already trying to walk.
24:34Look.
24:36Oh, it's a joy.
24:40Mr. Night Sleep, and yet when you see that happen,
24:44it's worth it.
24:54After this completely perfect start to the day,
24:57I went over to see the Swiss army knife,
25:01which now had a new attachment.
25:06And was using it to roll the field.
25:09There he goes.
25:11Where we would be growing onions and beetroots.
25:15And to plant those, we'd need another new machine.
25:20And now, I'm gonna blow your mind with the farm droid.
25:25Caleb?
25:31This was the other bit of kit that had caught my eye
25:34at the Lama exhibition back in January.
25:39A solar-powered onion planter.
25:42Oh, it's another robot.
25:44Oh, yeah.
25:45I thought it was actually going on the back of the Agbot.
25:47No.
25:48This now trundles along.
25:50We pull it with seed,
25:51and he plants all the onions for us.
25:54This is completely electric, and that's the solar panel.
25:57What if the sun went in?
25:58Well, it's got batteries,
25:59so it stores some of the electrical power.
26:01Is this electric...?
26:02That's how solar power would work.
26:05I don't know why I thought that was an electric fence.
26:07It does look it, doesn't it?
26:08If you touch that, it'll stop him.
26:10Rasmus, the man who'd first shown me the farm droid,
26:14then came over to explain how it works.
26:17It's all by GPS, yeah.
26:19So it remembers exactly where it planted each onion.
26:21So if this is the field, let's just say...
26:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:23And it puts an onion in here, and then how long...?
26:26We put it into 15 centimetres.
26:28OK, 15 centimetres, and then it remembers.
26:30Yeah, yeah.
26:31And then places every 15 centimetres.
26:33Yeah, so it's extremely precise.
26:35Yeah.
26:36So how many onions is it going to plant in here?
26:38600,000.
26:39600,000 onions.
26:41Wow.
26:42How far does it go?
26:44Maximum 1km.
26:45About the same speed as me.
26:47Hold on, if it only does one kilometre an hour,
26:50and you've got a hare and a tortoise...
26:52But that's only...
26:52Is the one kilometre the hare or the tortoise?
26:54That's a hare.
26:57It is a slow-driving machine,
26:58so it will drive into the night tonight.
27:00And then after we've done the seeding,
27:01we convert this machine into weeding,
27:03which means that this machine is also doing the weeding part of it.
27:07Oh, so it just digs up the weeds?
27:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:10And leaves the onions?
27:10Just killing the smaller weeds.
27:12Does it have cameras on it?
27:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:13I'll just give you access to the app to this one.
27:16Then you can just sit home.
27:17Oh, man, I've got the Agbot cameras and disc cameras.
27:20Yeah, yeah, yeah.
27:21That's what Lisa said the other day.
27:22I was sitting looking at the cameras from there.
27:24She went,
27:24Why can't you watch Pornhub like a normal man,
27:27instead of sitting watching your Agbot going up and down?
27:30Oh, Christ, I'm going to have both of them.
27:32I can't wait.
27:33Can we get it going?
27:34Yeah, we can.
27:35Once we'd filled the hoppers with onion seeds,
27:38who knew that onion seeds looked like that?
27:41They're like miniature song thrush eggs.
27:44I drove the farm droid into the field.
27:48It's a weird-looking thing, actually, when you get into the field.
27:50It's going to be, honestly, when you've got the Agbot and this
27:52working the same field.
27:53I think, actually, it's the first time in the world
27:57that we have both an Agbot and a farm, but in the same field.
28:01That's incredible.
28:04Right, we're certainly in the field now.
28:06Press auto.
28:07That one.
28:09Calculating route.
28:10Yeah.
28:11And just press the green one.
28:13And now it's just probably calibrating itself.
28:18So it's just hunting now for its start point.
28:21Yeah.
28:21Same as the Agbot does.
28:22So now it has the start point.
28:26Oh, look, and he's putting it down.
28:28Yeah.
28:30And we're off.
28:31Yeah.
28:34And you can hear the small clicks.
28:36That's the seed.
28:37It's one of those clicks.
28:38Yeah, yeah.
28:38So that's the seed going in.
28:40Yeah.
28:41Fucking hell.
28:41Honestly.
28:42That is unbelievable.
28:43You can actually hear it working.
28:47Each clip is an onion.
28:52I know.
28:52Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money.
28:55It's really quite cool.
28:57Where are the onions at?
28:59So do we check on the...
29:00See, now we would like to go and check...
29:03What seed depth do we need?
29:04Charlie mentioned around three centimetre.
29:07Three?
29:09Due to the moisture.
29:10I just wanted to...
29:10Look, look, look.
29:11You got one?
29:12Yes, look.
29:13There's onion in the field.
29:15He's putting onion in my field.
29:17And then look.
29:18We should have 15 centimetres.
29:19No, no, wait, wait.
29:20No, no.
29:21If that's true, that's incredible.
29:23So 15 centimetres...
29:25Where's 15?
29:26There.
29:28Holy shit.
29:29That's unbelievable.
29:30And away it goes.
29:34You're actually impressed with that.
29:35Yeah, I am impressed with that.
29:44It had been a long night and day, but before knocking it on the head,
29:50I had to meet Lisa and George, her snail supplier.
29:54You know, they're already inside.
29:56Yeah.
29:57Because the snails had started laying eggs.
30:00See?
30:02Yep.
30:04Bingo.
30:05Here you are.
30:06Oh, wow.
30:09These are your first snail children.
30:12Oh, wow.
30:13They're all snail legs, are they?
30:15Yes.
30:15OK.
30:16What do you do with this?
30:17What's this?
30:18Just compost?
30:19This is just compost.
30:20We put water on.
30:21I'm going to put the lid on and put them by the heater.
30:23And then how long before they become snails?
30:26Do they hatch?
30:27What do they do?
30:28Yes.
30:29George was also extremely keen to show us how the baby snails got made in the first place.
30:35Ah, here you are.
30:37Now you see the courtship.
30:40Can you see?
30:40Yes.
30:41The left one already, he has his penis out there.
30:43Can you see?
30:44Yes.
30:44There, that's it.
30:45And this one has her vagina over it.
30:48Yep.
30:48So is that the man?
30:50No, no, no.
30:51They're both.
30:51He has, you know, the penis and the vagina on his body.
30:55That's so cool.
30:56So they're, we already, these are in tune with the times.
31:00We've got trans farm animals.
31:01Oh, yes.
31:03Or are they hermaphrodites?
31:04They're hermaphrodites, but they're sex machines.
31:06Sex machines?
31:07Yeah.
31:09How many penises has it got?
31:11Two.
31:12Two penises?
31:13Like here, like testosterone cells.
31:14Oh, I see.
31:15You've got stereo peniseries.
31:17So depending on which side.
31:18Where's its vagina then?
31:19Exactly next to it.
31:20The same thing.
31:21So you've got a penis and a vagina.
31:22The same thing, where the penis is, is also its vagina.
31:27Clever, right?
31:29And they shit out of their faces as well?
31:31Yeah, on the side, yes.
31:33So their face is like a Ferrari steering wheel.
31:36Everything's now on it.
31:37Yeah.
31:38Yeah, yeah.
31:40Yeah.
31:41And once they've bred, you take the eggs and then you eat the ones that are bred.
31:45So they're no good now.
31:47Ah, so once we've got the babies, these adults can go off to the pub.
31:52Yeah.
31:52Correct.
31:53And so we've got those.
31:54Because I mean, I adore snails.
31:56I think they're fantastic.
31:56You like the garlic butter.
31:58Oh, I love the garlic butter.
31:59And the shells, you crush up and you can give it to the chickens as gris.
32:03Lisa and George claimed, however, that the money to be made from serving them in the pub
32:08was nothing compared to what could be earned from the slime.
32:12There are beauty parlors in Essex especially.
32:16Essex.
32:17Essex.
32:17120 pounds for 10 minutes snail or 15 minutes snail course.
32:23So they put the snails on your faces?
32:25Yeah.
32:25And the snail goes around and excretes the juice.
32:29That's it.
32:29And that's like 120 pounds 10 minutes?
32:32Yep.
32:34I wasn't completely convinced, but put my concerns to one side.
32:43Because the next day, Lisa and I were awaiting cow birth number three.
32:51Oh.
32:52Nice.
32:53Here we go.
32:56Which seem to be going as smoothly as the previous two.
33:00Oh, here we go.
33:01Here we go.
33:01Foot.
33:04Push.
33:06Push.
33:09Oh.
33:10Look, you can see the car's tongue.
33:14That's a worry.
33:16Shit, should we call Dylan or are we just panicking?
33:19Well, it's head first.
33:20That's good.
33:21No, it's everything's right, but we can see the tongue.
33:24The tongue is moving, suggesting that the calf is sort of needing to be out.
33:31Do we grab hold of those and pull?
33:35That is a worry for me, that the time is out and we will.
33:40I'm going to call Caleb.
33:44All right mate, just, I know it's Oscar's birthday.
33:48Yeah, can you hear me?
33:49Yeah.
33:50We've got a calf coming, half an hour probably.
33:54The last contraction, we got really most of the front legs and then what looked like a tongue coming out.
34:01Just grab the two legs here and just gently have a little bit of pressure on it.
34:04Yeah.
34:05And then you'll feel the push and as she pushes, just gently pull a bit harder.
34:09Yeah.
34:09If you stop pushing, take the pressure off and that'll make sense.
34:11I know exactly what you mean.
34:13Okay, well, we'll get in there.
34:14Yeah.
34:14We'll get in there.
34:15All right, bye-bye.
34:16Yeah.
34:18Here we go.
34:19I'm going to head on in.
34:27The tongue is licking my glove.
34:36Oh, come on.
34:38Oh.
34:38Oh, that's my head of the calf's legs.
34:40Oh.
34:42Oh.
34:43Oh.
34:44I'm being licked.
34:46Can I have some ropes?
34:54Can I have some ropes?
34:55Yep, that's both of them on.
34:57I'd dearly love to get this one out.
35:00just because I've not done it before.
35:16Nearly.
35:27Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
35:35Oh, God, come on.
35:37Caleb.
35:38Caleb.
35:38Right, dude.
35:39All right?
35:40Is it calved or not?
35:41No.
35:42No.
35:43Come on, have it.
35:45All right?
35:45Pull this up.
35:46Pull, yeah.
35:47Nice.
35:49That's it.
35:50Pull, pull, pull, pull.
35:50Yeah, I am doing, I am doing.
35:53You see, that's as far as you ever get.
35:55Hold.
35:56Hold that pressure there.
35:58Now pull.
36:00Hold.
36:01Pull now, and then pull down a little bit.
36:03That's it.
36:04Come on.
36:15Oh, God.
36:17Ripping my hands to shreds.
36:18Yeah, I'm on it.
36:19I've got on it.
36:20Oh.
36:21Let's give this again a little bit.
36:23Try and get this on there.
36:27You've got to go and catch a birthday cake later.
36:29I don't know.
36:30I don't know.
36:31I don't know.
36:31Get that again now.
36:32Quite different now, huh?
36:36That will.
36:38Yeah?
36:38It's much easier.
36:39Then you can control either side.
36:40Yeah, yeah, exactly.
36:41You've got it.
36:44Go on, little big push there.
36:47It's going to go.
36:47It's going to go.
36:49As you just feel that acid there.
36:51Big pull around.
36:52You've got it.
36:52Just feel that contraction, yeah?
36:54Yeah.
36:56Oh, there's a head.
36:57There's a head.
36:58Now it's all yours now, yeah?
37:01Oh.
37:03Come on, then.
37:03If you pull down, it's much easier than you.
37:05Yeah, I'm trying to.
37:05Go on, go on.
37:06That's a good one.
37:07Good lad.
37:08Good lad.
37:09That's it running.
37:10It's a matter of time.
37:11It's a matter of time.
37:12Please be okay.
37:15Come on, breathe.
37:16Come on, breathe.
37:17Breathe.
37:18Blinking.
37:21Come on.
37:23Come on.
37:24What I'm doing now, see?
37:25Putting that air away.
37:25Take.
37:27Let's get that mother out, so she can start licking it.
37:31There you go.
37:33I'd say that was okay.
37:35Yeah.
37:35It's a long calf.
37:37Go on, lick, lick, lick.
37:39Come on, breathe, lick.
37:42That's it.
37:43There you go.
37:43That's a good one.
37:44Is she licking?
37:45Yeah, she's licking.
37:46Yeah.
37:51Well done, mate.
37:52My first one.
37:54How'd it go?
37:55It's fucking good, isn't it?
37:56Oh, fuck me, that's good.
37:58That is so good.
38:02Hey.
38:03Oh.
38:05Hey.
38:07I know.
38:08That is just the best.
38:09That was all you.
38:11That was proper.
38:12It's hard, isn't it?
38:13Pulling it out.
38:15Oh.
38:18Look at that.
38:20What a fantastic day.
38:23What a great, great, great day.
38:32Later on, Lisa and I went down to the wood where we used to keep the pigs.
38:40To clear up some more storm damage.
38:59I know.
39:03It's exciting.
39:03It's been years and years and years.
39:04Every time you come down here, we all come running along to see you and now look.
39:11I know.
39:11Mind you, that being said, it's not completely empty now, is it?
39:19Because look who's here, ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hamm.
39:26Look how he has grown.
39:28He has become a mighty pig.
39:30Yes.
39:30A huge pig.
39:32Richard Hamm.
39:32Come and say hello.
39:33I should just explain what's going on here.
39:36Hello.
39:38We've kept him.
39:39We had to.
39:40Hello.
39:41The problem we've got, though, is he can't be a fluffer anymore, because there's no more pigs
39:46to fluff.
39:48You can't eat him, because we just can't.
39:52And we can't breed from him, because there's something genetically wrong with him.
39:57Um, so we've just got him.
40:00And you can't keep a pig on its own.
40:03So, over there, we've got another pig, another boy pig, and then he can have a friend.
40:09What do you call him?
40:11What, the friend?
40:11Yeah.
40:12Well, who is Richard Hammond's best friend?
40:16I'm not calling it James May.
40:18I'm not even a pig called James May.
40:22Boar.
40:22Let's call him James Boar.
40:25That's...
40:26He is a boar.
40:27He is a boar.
40:29Richard Hammond James Boar.
40:34What had been an extremely pleasant day ended well, too.
40:41Because, as the sun set, Lisa and I made a thermos of Bovril, drove out to the fields,
40:48and settled down for our new favourite date night.
41:02Look, look, he's stopped.
41:05He's having me think about how to turn round.
41:08He was turning round.
41:10Oh, my God.
41:11I do feel like I'm from the 18th century looking at tractors.
41:18Yeah, the Starship Enterprise has just landed at Deadly Squat.
41:22It's very soporific, isn't it?
41:25It's incredible.
41:28I'm sure there is something good on television.
41:32But nothing is as good as watching farming being revolutionised.
41:39And just know that when you get up in the morning,
41:41they used to be sitting, drumming their fingers.
41:43I know.
41:44Going, OK, we've done that job.
41:46And I do feel like we need to give them jobs.
41:48They're happy.
41:50Do you think they talk to each other?
41:52No.
41:54They must do.
41:59A few days later, all of the calves had been born,
42:03and the maternity ward was a joy to behold.
42:08Oh, look, he's off.
42:10Oh, look at him.
42:11Look how happy he is.
42:13Your turn.
42:14There you go.
42:16Look at this little calf.
42:18Oh, that's... I love watching that.
42:22Look at them bounce round.
42:23They are adorable.
42:24They've got space.
42:29And I've decided now, you know I'm going to be 65 in a couple of weeks.
42:33Yeah.
42:33At the retirement age.
42:34Well, historically always the retirement age.
42:36I'm going to be a cow midwife.
42:38No golf, no watercolour painting.
42:40Midwifery for cows.
42:41Bear in mind, you have seen the good versions of it happening.
42:43You pulled that one out on Saturday night.
42:45Yeah.
42:46You haven't actually yet cut one out.
42:48What do you mean cut one out?
42:49When the calf dies inside the mum, and instead of doing a C-section,
42:53you actually get the knife, go in and cut the head off,
42:55pull the head out, and then take it limb by limb.
42:57It's disgusting.
42:58You haven't done that yet.
43:01What?
43:02What?
43:02My fifth delivery when I was about 15.
43:05So everything was going smooth, yeah?
43:06And all of a sudden this cow, unfortunately the calf died inside the cow, yes?
43:10So instead of doing a C-section to take it out, what we had to do,
43:13go in from the back, get a knife, cut round the head like this,
43:16cut the head off, pull the head out, get the legs.
43:19The vagina?
43:20Yeah.
43:21Cut the calf's head off?
43:22Yeah.
43:23Take the head out.
43:24The calf's dead.
43:25Well, it wouldn't be.
43:26The cow was been...
43:27The cow was calf in about 10 hours.
43:29So, you know, it was time to come out, or we'd have lost the mum as well.
43:33But you haven't done that yet.
43:34Why didn't he do a C-section?
43:35I don't know.
43:36The family wanted to spend that much money, and it was, you know...
43:40So he invited a 15-year-old boy to put a knife inside a cow's vagina
43:45and butcher a calf while it was in there?
43:47Yeah.
43:49I'm rethinking my cow midwifery.
43:52You've seen the good side of it.
43:53This is the good side of it.
43:55On a slightly less gruesome note,
43:57Caleb then told me it was time to castrate the new boy calf
44:02using a rubber band.
44:04So what we've got to do, open it up like this,
44:06pull the testicle sack through here,
44:08make sure both the testicles are in the sack,
44:10and then band off.
44:12Done.
44:13So we've got to go...
44:14Oh, look at his face.
44:15Look at his face.
44:17Please don't cut my bollocks off.
44:19Well, he doesn't know he's got bollocks, does he?
44:21No, he wouldn't know yet, would he?
44:23Hello, calf.
44:25Look, it's literally upholstered in velvet, this one.
44:28It's lovely, isn't it?
44:29It's absolutely beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
44:32Right then.
44:35See, if you can't catch it,
44:36I'll find some autonomous machine that can.
44:41Shall we come in from the back, or...?
44:42Yeah, come in from the back.
44:47Oh, of course, they're quite big.
44:49Yeah, grab the testicles, Frank.
44:52You can have a shit on you.
44:56Is that it?
44:57Have you got...
44:58Have you got them?
44:58I don't know.
45:00I think so.
45:02Yep, there you go, they're on.
45:03Now make sure that band comes off.
45:05Well, how do I do that?
45:06Push it off, it's quite hard.
45:10We're holding hands while fondling an animal's body.
45:13Right, now off you come.
45:15Oh, you should have put your hand on that shit.
45:17It sat all over me.
45:23Oh, smell.
45:24No, no, you've got it on your nose and everything.
45:27What?
45:27Oh, fucking hell!
45:29It's all over everyone.
45:30I'm covered in diarrhoea!
45:33Is it on my face?
45:35Yes!
45:39Oh, a cow sat in my mouth!
45:45Fuck you!
45:52That's it, fuck it.
45:53I'm going to London.
45:54I'm going to London, Caleb.
45:56That's it, I'm done.
45:58I'm going to London in a Bentley.
46:01I'm going to see my friends who work in advertising and law
46:04and the theatre.
46:08Oh!
46:09Oh!
46:11Fucking hell.
46:18Oh, God!
46:22In the end, I decided not to move back to London.
46:28Because the crops were in on time.
46:34The calves were in good health.
46:39And the weather was perfect.
46:44So, for the first time since I'd started farming all those years ago,
46:49life at Diddley's Squat
46:52was an absolute dream.
47:00Sometimes the texture of what you're eating feels off, but actually the taste is delicious.
47:05I'm not having that.
47:06We're building a leaky woody dam.
47:08We're like human beavers.
47:10It's a magnificent beast, as you can see.
47:13Not the easiest thing to sell in the world.
47:14I'm not 1246.
47:16$60,000.
47:17$60,000.
47:20which is going to be in the market so far.
47:20And it's air from the estabanglish style.
47:22The pastgal is coming here so far,
47:22all comics하기 is a tourist mystery.
47:39And in the world Igor Hmongola,
47:39is the farmer's energy and defiance.
47:39So sweet and clean.
47:39Yes, God, there szews are living in fgos- Boulder honored a day.
47:41I don't see my roots as there.
47:42Can I talk about��� this.
47:45This guitar is going far
48:16you
48:37you