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00:01What tune is this now?
00:02Disco Iferno.
00:03Yeah, I thought it was.
00:04Dee.
00:06Yeah, man.
00:07I want some lights like that.
00:09Where'd you get them from?
00:10I don't know.
00:11Where'd you get them from?
00:12I can't remember.
00:13I got them when I was out.
00:15Scam.
00:17No.
00:18One of them...
00:21...baby big...
00:21Dancing.
00:22Oh, yeah.
00:23One of them...
00:26...big shops.
00:30One of them...
00:32Oh!
00:34That was a clue!
00:36My hook!
00:37Oh, we're not to see an erection, are we?
00:38Oh, my God, can you imagine?
00:40Here we go.
00:40High-octane stuff.
00:42Oh!
00:45I shouldn't have.
00:45I shouldn't have.
00:46I'm already vibrating.
00:48African greys are notorious.
00:50They're the worst-behaved parrot.
00:52What?
00:53No!
00:54No!
00:55No!
00:56No!
00:57No, no, no, no.
00:57Absolutely not.
00:58No!
00:58It's got an airy crack.
01:00Well, what?
01:01Oh, Nigel.
01:02Let's give up this showbiz life and go and live on a canal boat.
01:07Yeah.
01:07In the week Torval and Dean were given gongs for services to ice skating, we enjoyed lots
01:14of great telly.
01:16Danny Dyer was enjoying a mucky book in Rivals.
01:19It dragged them slowly up her leg and under her skirt.
01:23The wet sap of the leaf joining Cecily's ecstasy.
01:26Have you ever read erotic literature?
01:29Only when I'm the subject.
01:31What?
01:33Oh, right.
01:33Okay.
01:34I get like fan...
01:35What do they call that?
01:35Fan fiction.
01:36Yeah.
01:37Someone did a fan fiction about us one time.
01:40Someone.
01:41Guilty.
01:43Finally, it was all over on ITV.
01:51My sister and I liked putting on a show, didn't we?
01:53We loved a little, like a, we'd learn something, a song or a dance and make you watch it.
01:57Yeah.
01:58How annoying is that as a parent when the kid's like, watch this and then just do something
02:02like completely mediocre?
02:04Well, you just have to go along with it, don't you?
02:06Keep them humble.
02:07Keep them humble and keep them real, yeah.
02:10Most millennial thing you've ever said.
02:13And Matt was back putting some mini brain boxes to the test.
02:17And remember, all our questions have been tested out on a cross-section of the British
02:20public, not just kids.
02:22So this is one that 90% of our survey got right.
02:25Let's see how you do.
02:27If you asked me about something like Henry VIII's wives, I'd be all over it like wait
02:31on rice because that's...
02:32Fifth wife.
02:33Er, first was Catherine of Aragon, second was Anne Boleyn, third was Jane Seymour,
02:38fourth was Anne of Cleves, fifth was Catherine Howard, sixth was Catherine Parr.
02:45Nice.
02:46So if we got the Tudors, I'd be fine.
02:48But like anything about tectonic plates or anything like that...
02:58In Kent.
02:59So I've been working on my chocolate fondant recipe lately.
03:02Okay.
03:03I've figured out, right, that if you take the tin, you butter it up.
03:08And if you put it in the freezer first, you get more of a cakey effect.
03:12Harry and Matt.
03:13I just...
03:14Because you said fondant, I'm just thinking of fondant fancies.
03:17Pink fondant fancies, in my pit out there, I think that's the best cake out there.
03:22Are you making them?
03:23No, no.
03:24Or are you getting them from the shop?
03:25Off the shelf, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:26Have you tried to make them?
03:27Nah.
03:28It feels like a very...
03:28If I'm going to make a cake, that's not an entry level cake, is it?
03:31I'm going to go in for like a Victoria sponge.
03:32I'm going to make a fondant fancy.
03:34It's like...
03:35It's like four different items straight away.
03:37I just think two things.
03:38Firstly, pink fondant fancies or French fancies are the best cakes out there.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Secondly, the other ones, you get the brown ones and the yellow ones.
03:46Yeah.
03:47Why are they in the box?
03:48This week, there was an extra special episode of this to test the nation on ITV.
03:54Do you know what I also think though?
03:55The 1% club year, a lot of people are quite thick, aren't they?
03:59So 1%, the general population, you can straight away, you can eliminate like 50% straight away.
04:04So it's more like the 2% club.
04:06Mate, you want to try and get past 50%?
04:08I reckon we'll do as well as we always do.
04:10What, like?
04:11Not very well.
04:12Not very well.
04:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:13Apparently, the producer of the 1% votes reform.
04:21I've heard that from someone who knows.
04:27Oh, look at the kids, little brain boxes.
04:30Do you watch the 1% club with your family?
04:33If so, do your kids do better than you?
04:34I wonder if they got the Dow school to do this?
04:37Maybe it might have happened in half term.
04:39Correct.
04:40Or summer holidays.
04:42We are about to find out because tonight all our contestants are kids aged from 9 to 15.
04:47Terrible suit she's wearing.
04:49Doesn't fit and it doesn't match the jacket and the trousers.
04:52Oh!
04:53Tonight we are not playing for money.
04:54Oh, that's a shame.
04:56Sorry kids, there are certain TV rules about giving kids 100 grand.
05:00Why?
05:00Why can't they give the kids 100 grand?
05:02Oh, she's fuming that one.
05:03She's like, they're fucking joking.
05:05But anyone who gets to the end and answers the 1% question correctly will win an amazing
05:08two week holiday for them and their family to Walt Disney World in Florida.
05:13Have we been Disney World?
05:16Yeah.
05:17We have.
05:17That's literally my dream.
05:18How do I enter?
05:19What's the age limit?
05:20That's sick.
05:21Oh my God, I've got my tattoo.
05:23Okay, it's time for our first question.
05:26Oh God, here we go.
05:27Are you sure you don't want to do a team game?
05:29No.
05:29I think it's more fun if we compete.
05:31Okay, of course.
05:32Okay.
05:33So this is one that 90% of our survey got right.
05:36Let's see how you do.
05:37So 90% of people know the answer to this.
05:40This is how it works.
05:40You get it?
05:41Which of the options is not used in the image below?
05:44I don't get that.
05:45Time stops now.
05:46Which of the options is not used in the image below?
05:49I don't know what that means.
05:50C, isn't it?
05:51There's no orange triangle.
05:54You were quick.
05:55Yeah, you're right.
05:55You just require eyesight.
05:57If you have functioning eyes, you get this right.
06:00Do you know what I mean?
06:02Is that supposed to be Disneyland?
06:05Well, it looks like it, doesn't it?
06:06You know what I mean?
06:08We lost none of you.
06:09Yay!
06:10There we go.
06:11You might have lost me.
06:12Don't be celebrated, guys.
06:13Do you know what I mean?
06:14So it's time for the 60% question.
06:17The 60% question.
06:18This is where it gets tougher.
06:20If A equals Z, B equals Y, C equals X, and so on, which of the following is correct?
06:27What?
06:29Oh, Christ.
06:30I hate ones like this.
06:32I hate you talking whilst I'm trying to figure them out.
06:37Oh, is it going through the alphabet?
06:38Yeah, so you've got to...
06:39Oh, it's reverse.
06:40It's reverse.
06:41Yeah, it's all reversed.
06:41A, B, C, D, E, F, G.
06:43It's A or C.
06:46It's A or C.
06:47Right, so...
06:48All equals Z.
06:49Well, that can't be correct, because A equals...
06:51Oh, A equals Z.
06:52Yeah, that just makes sense.
06:53Oh.
06:54Oh!
06:55I've just smashed it, and I got it before you did.
06:57A, final answer.
06:58I mean, I'd probably deliberately get it wrong just so I could go home.
07:03Go and play with my guinea pigs at that age.
07:05Yeah.
07:09I think it's yet is big.
07:11Let's see who got it right.
07:13That's difficult. I don't think I'm right.
07:15I think...
07:15I haven't got time for this.
07:18Oh, these kids look nervous.
07:20They're killing them with blue.
07:22Oh, gosh.
07:23It's like the Hunger Games.
07:24It looks awful.
07:28Wow.
07:28We lost 33 kids.
07:30Oh, this is going to be a short show.
07:32Oh.
07:33That's brutal.
07:33How can you show your face at school the next day?
07:36Absolute idiot, bruv.
07:39It is A.
07:40All equals Zoom.
07:43Did we get it right?
07:44We are now down to the 20% question.
07:4720%.
07:4820%.
07:49If I get this right, I'm going to freak myself out.
07:52What do you get if you solve the puzzle below?
07:55I can't read that.
07:57Oh, my God.
07:58Oh, I'm terrible at this stuff.
08:02Can you find the animal hidden in this question?
08:08What fucking animal?
08:10Where?
08:14Camel.
08:14Camel.
08:15No, it's not a camel.
08:17Cannimal.
08:18Cannim...
08:19Crocodile.
08:20It's a crocodile.
08:24Anamilo.
08:25Italian for animal.
08:26Camel.
08:27Camel.
08:27No, no, no, no.
08:28Fucking dolphin mammal.
08:29Fuck.
08:30Is it?
08:30Why is there so many letters all jumbled up?
08:32It's horrible.
08:32Oh, Lord.
08:33Lion.
08:34Rhino.
08:34Let's have a look at the answer.
08:36It's crocodile.
08:38There it is in red.
08:39What?
08:39I thought it was together.
08:41What?
08:41Well, I would have got it if you weren't sat next to me fidgeting.
08:45After whittling down the kids here in the studio, we are left with the 1% question.
08:50Whittling down the kids.
08:52That's a bit harsh.
08:53Yeah, it sounds like a weird album.
08:56This is your 1% question.
08:58Come on, let's go for the 1% then.
09:00Come on.
09:01Let's beat this nine-year-old.
09:04Jeez.
09:04What number replaces the question mark in this pyramid?
09:09Nine is half of 18.
09:11So, 10 plus...
09:1216, it's going to be double 18.
09:14It's going to be 36.
09:15Four?
09:16No, 18.
09:17Nine.
09:17Ten.
09:18Eight.
09:19Eight.
09:19Ten.
09:20Nine, seven.
09:22Ten, eight.
09:23What the fuck is that?
09:28It's seven.
09:30No, it's not.
09:32I don't know what's going on here.
09:33Four, add 1040.
09:35I'd be planning a different holiday.
09:37I'm out.
09:38It's 13.
09:39It's 13.
09:44Seven.
09:45What the fuck is it?
09:47I'm going to go five.
09:49Oh, you're a willy.
09:50It's not five.
09:51It's four plus seven.
09:54It's 13.
09:56I'm well annoyed.
09:57What is it, 11?
09:58It's 11.
09:59I'm well annoyed.
10:00Right, your answers are locked in, so you can't change it.
10:02So we may as well ask what you put, starting with Elena.
10:05I guessed eight.
10:06I was going to say eight, but they've said eight.
10:08Ollie.
10:09Ten.
10:10Ellie.
10:10Thirteen.
10:11Finley.
10:12Thirteen.
10:13Thirteen?
10:14But basically...
10:14They can't just throw a 13 in there.
10:15There's no...
10:17They're all nines and eights and sixes.
10:19Where are you getting a 13 from?
10:20Oh, they're all different numbers.
10:21They're all different numbers.
10:22Only one's going to meet Mickey Mouse.
10:26Thirteen!
10:28Thirteen!
10:28Thirteen!
10:28Oh, bless him.
10:30Oh, brilliant.
10:31Liv!
10:32You're going to Disney?
10:34Where am I going to Disney, Lee?
10:36It's 13, because each number is the average of the two numbers underneath it.
10:40What's the average?
10:41What does average mean?
10:42Well, yeah.
10:44That's...
10:44They...
10:45Oh, God, I don't know.
10:46What does average mean?
10:48In that context I haven't got a clue.
10:49No, I don't.
10:50I still don't get it.
10:51I'm going to add that to my CV.
10:52Mm-hmm.
10:521% Club.
10:54Kids edition.
10:55Kids edition.
10:58In North London...
11:00But you've got to be careful at your age.
11:02Do you keep hydrated?
11:04I do.
11:04I'm very...
11:05I'm very careful about that.
11:06Yeah.
11:07Julian and his good friend Nigel.
11:09When I get on my motorbike, you see, and that calls me down.
11:13Don't worry.
11:13Did you come here by motorbike?
11:14I did, yeah.
11:15I got lost, actually, because I don't have a sat-nav on the bike.
11:18You shouldn't.
11:19You can get dial-a-ride and things.
11:22There's special transport for the elderly.
11:26You could come by ambulance.
11:30Oh, I'll think of that next time, yeah.
11:33This week, our favourite bloke on a barge was back criss-crossing the nation.
11:38There's something bleak about canals.
11:41Yeah, because you've got walls down each side, and it can be quite dark and a bit dreary.
11:47And they're usually in the Midlands, aren't they?
11:49We're from the home of canals, aren't we?
11:51Yeah, because there's more canals in Birmingham than there is Venice.
11:54Mm.
12:00Oh, I love it already.
12:02That's your dream, that is, isn't it?
12:03It's so slow.
12:05It's so mellow.
12:06That's called a lock.
12:07Yes.
12:08That's actually, they're actually sick.
12:09Have you seen, oh, have you seen the one on the Panama Canal?
12:13It, like, goes up here, yeah, it blocks off both ends and it raises up.
12:17The water.
12:18So the boat is literally going, like, I don't know, 50 feet.
12:21It's in, it's literally, it is an unbelievable feat of engineering brilliance.
12:25My name's Robbie Cumming.
12:27That's me.
12:28Well, you know Robbie's back.
12:29What's he going to do this time?
12:31No, no.
12:32Is he going to go under a low bridge?
12:34Oh, God.
12:36Creating a splash on the bow of my boat.
12:38Wow.
12:39I didn't realise the boat's got wet.
12:41Yeah.
12:41Well, they do, don't they?
12:43Because they've got, they're on water.
12:45But, I mean...
12:49This time, I'm travelling on the Trent and Mersey Canal.
12:53What was the Trent and Mersey episode?
12:55Lean in.
12:56The Mersey!
12:57My new home!
12:58Oh, neck of the woods, that girl!
13:00There'll be plenty to see.
13:01Will there?
13:02Will there?
13:03Plenty.
13:03Do you remember when he made granola?
13:05Mmm, I do.
13:12You have to be quite patient for this.
13:14Yeah.
13:15It's not one of my virtues.
13:16No.
13:19Right, that was my last double lock of the day.
13:23I thought I'd get a bit further, to be honest.
13:25So did we, Robbie.
13:26I like him.
13:27He's got nice teeth.
13:28Has he?
13:28Which I think's important.
13:29I think so, too.
13:30I'm pooped.
13:31I've run out of steam.
13:33So I'm going to moor up.
13:35What's mooring up?
13:36Just, like, stopping the boat.
13:37OK.
13:38And tying yourself on the side.
13:39OK.
13:40Quite close to this motorway, actually.
13:43Oh.
13:44Perfect.
13:45Sleeping in some microwave's not ideal, is he?
13:47Whoop!
13:48Whoop!
13:49Whoop!
13:49Whoop!
13:50Oh!
13:52Whoop!
13:57Is he empty?
13:59Right, I'm just taking a little walk in the dark.
14:01Well, it looks like a dogging area to me.
14:05Do you know what I'm saying?
14:06I do.
14:07Just to scare myself a bit.
14:10Oh.
14:11Why?
14:12It's quite close to Halloween.
14:14Spooky season.
14:15What?
14:16What?
14:17Oh.
14:18Oh, no.
14:18Be careful.
14:19And also, I'm close to the M6.
14:23Hmm.
14:24A much quicker and more efficient mode of transport.
14:27Considered, by some, one of the most haunted motorways in the country.
14:33Is it?
14:33Did you know that?
14:34No.
14:35I drive on the M6 all the time, as well.
14:37You ever seen a ghost?
14:38No, have you?
14:39No.
14:39Because it's Birmingham goes to the M6, doesn't it?
14:42Mm, yeah.
14:42Junction 10.
14:43Yeah.
14:44A ghostly lorry going the wrong way.
14:46What?
14:47A ghostly lorry.
14:49Can a lorry be a ghost?
14:50I'd argue a lorry can't be a ghost.
14:53And a group of Roman soldiers marching across.
14:56On the M6.
14:58I know they built a lot of roads, the Romans, but I didn't know they built the M6.
15:03A bit later, the drama continued.
15:07And he's off again.
15:08Chug, chug, chug.
15:09He's got small locks.
15:10What I want to know is what was the whole purpose of this trip?
15:13And it's around here, near the top of Heartbreak Hill.
15:17Things start to go a bit pear-shaped.
15:19Oh, no.
15:21I was taking the naughty lass over to the offside lock, but once I started moving the boat, it just
15:27got stuck.
15:28You're joking.
15:29He's what they call beached it.
15:31I pushed the barge pole against the concrete on the side.
15:34Right.
15:35It was a little bit too far away to get any purchase.
15:37Go on, push.
15:38Is that what they mean when they say I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole?
15:41Yeah, because there's a saying there.
15:44I get it now.
15:45So I put it into the water itself to try and find something to push off on.
15:49Oh.
15:50Some really soft silt.
15:53Oh, and he's in!
15:54Yay!
15:57This is why you're tuned into Canal Boat Diaries, because at any time, something like that can happen.
16:04And he's going to get, like, an E.coli from that water for his mouth.
16:08Right, I'm out.
16:09Let's see if I can pull the boat back to the side.
16:12Because right now it is still completely stuck.
16:14I had to call the police, wouldn't you?
16:18And ask for help.
16:19I've got this friend called Jake, and he's an odd job that he'd come out and do whatever.
16:25Jake.
16:26Jake.
16:26Send for the staff, is what Nigel would do.
16:29Yes, send for the staff.
16:30With the naughty lass freed up, I've decided to use the other lock.
16:36Oh, no, is this the other lock?
16:37It never ends.
16:39Oh, Robbie, what a day.
16:40What a day.
16:41What a day.
16:41What a day Robbie's had.
16:42I know.
16:43Oh, Nigel, let's give up this showbiz life and go and live on a canal boat.
16:48Yeah.
16:56In North London.
16:57I'm a bocky sleeper.
16:59I sleep with my boxers.
16:59There, I said it.
17:00Oh, okay.
17:01I don't think I could ever go less than bockys.
17:03Good friends Max and George.
17:06I mean, this might be a bit TMI, but when you don't have any underwear on, I've, like,
17:11rolled over.
17:11No, don't, because now I'm thinking of it.
17:13And really, like, hurt myself.
17:16Hurt yourself?
17:17Yeah, I've, like, rolled over, like, onto one of my, like, testicles.
17:21It's a lot of that, isn't it?
17:23Do you remember the time when I went for a run, and I told you about this, remember
17:27the time when I went for a run when I first moved to London, and my testicles got twisted,
17:30ended up in A&E, I had to have an ultrasound on my ball sack, and then they, like, untwisted
17:36them.
17:37One nearly died from suffocation.
17:40Can you imagine?
17:41How are the twins?
17:41They're all right now.
17:43It's good.
17:43Thanks for asking.
17:44This week, the Orange Factor ramped up on Disney Plus with our favourite 80s romp.
17:51This might get you going, Nigel.
17:53It did, well, the first day it did.
17:55A lot of bonking, isn't it?
17:56In the stables and wherever.
17:58I loved it.
17:59I kept thinking, though, why am I not in it?
18:03You could have been in it, couldn't you?
18:04Well, I just thought, and then my wife said to me, because you're too old.
18:08But there might be a part for a randy granddad.
18:11I get embarrassed me when it comes to romance, do you?
18:15Romance or erotica.
18:16Oh, erotica.
18:17Erotica.
18:18Erotica.
18:18I like a bit of erotica.
18:22Starring...
18:24No, Nigel Haver.
18:25No.
18:27What an oversight.
18:28I don't know what they're thinking.
18:29This is made for you, really.
18:30Well, that's what I thought.
18:33There we go.
18:35Have you ever had a threesome?
18:37Never mind.
18:40So what are they rivals for?
18:41Just watch it.
18:42What are they rivals for?
18:43I've already said I'm feeling a little bit awkward that I know this is going to be a bit steamy.
18:47You're getting closer and closer.
18:49I'm merging with the couch at this point.
18:50Can I have a bit of room?
18:52Look at that pillow.
18:53Stop looking at me like that.
18:54It really sounds like a you problem.
18:57Morning, Susie.
18:58Hi.
18:59Morning, Mrs. Barriger.
19:00Morning, Mrs. Barriger.
19:00Come on, Lizzie.
19:01Here you go.
19:03Can you please not broadcast the fact that I've forgotten my scripts?
19:05He's such a wanker.
19:07So Lizzie's married to him, James, but she's having an affair with Freddie.
19:09They've got a bit of a forbidden love.
19:11And that's Danny Dyer?
19:11Yes.
19:12Okay.
19:13This is a rehearsal.
19:14Does he have to make notes about my character?
19:15He seems like an absolute...
19:17Great guy.
19:18Relatable, down-to-earth.
19:20Nice hairstyle.
19:21Look how long that bit of Petrie is, by the way.
19:23Why is that so long?
19:24I mean, Lizzie, for once, could you please at least try and be supportive of my career?
19:29Arsehole.
19:30Oh, he is a piece of work, isn't he?
19:32You never argue in front of people.
19:34No.
19:35Because this house is supposed to be cock and balls in the hedge.
19:39Oh, that's very good cock and balls.
19:41She lent against the gate.
19:42Her thighs pricked red from the nettles.
19:45Anger stepped towards her.
19:47So he's reading an extract from Lizzie's book that she's just written.
19:50There's something about Danny Dyer, do you know what I mean?
19:52Like, I feel like I would.
19:55Is that weird?
19:57I feel like he's more your type than mine.
20:00That makes sense. That makes sense.
20:02He dragged them slowly up her leg and under her skirt.
20:05The wet sap of the leaf joining Cecily's ecstasy.
20:08He's getting a bit hot here, isn't he? Look at him.
20:10Oh, we're not going to see an erection, are we?
20:12Oh my God, can you imagine?
20:13With Freddie busy poolside, his love interest Lizzie
20:17bumped into the rest of Freddie's family at the studio.
20:21No Freddie with you tonight?
20:22No, he's not as much into the barred as I am.
20:25So Mouse is his wife. I love her.
20:27OK.
20:28That's who I want to be like.
20:29He's absolutely cuckoo about the new swimming pool.
20:33Honestly, I can't tear him away.
20:35Well, she's just clocked at his home on his own.
20:37It's not the pool he's interested in.
20:39It's not the pool. It's her book, mate.
20:40It's her book, mate.
20:41Oh!
20:43Lizzie.
20:44Oh, Lizzie!
20:45She didn't waste any time, did she?
20:48Straight round there, like a pigeon on her chip.
20:52Here we go.
20:54Get your mind!
20:55Oh, look, she knows what she's done.
20:56I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have.
20:57I'm already vibrating.
21:02You're bloody brilliant.
21:05They're not going to start shagging.
21:06I've got to watch this next to you, are they?
21:10Oh!
21:10Oh, no.
21:14Get in there, boy.
21:15Mum!
21:16Imagine Danny Dyer bearing down on you.
21:18I couldn't bear that one.
21:19You couldn't do that on an empty stomach?
21:21No.
21:23Oh!
21:24Woo!
21:26Oh, my sake.
21:27What is that, mate?
21:28Why am I trying to watch that whilst I'm eating my pizza?
21:31I'm done.
21:33It's got an airy crack.
21:35Well, what?
21:36Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
21:38We don't want to see that.
21:43Are they going to do it in the pool?
21:44No, they're just jumping in.
21:45They're having a fun to swim.
21:46Oh, look at that.
21:47Isn't that great?
21:51Have you ever had sex in a swimming pool, Nigel?
21:53Yes, I think I probably have.
21:55Who was that with?
21:56I'm not going to tell you.
21:57Liza Minnelli.
22:00Of course.
22:02The Duchess of York.
22:04Duchess.
22:04Oh.
22:05I've got all evening.
22:06I can go through all the celebrities I can think of.
22:09Would you like one of these little biscuits right now?
22:11Shut up.
22:12Just stop talking.
22:17Oh!
22:18Press!
22:19Go on!
22:20I bet Danny Dyer's all right in the sack, right?
22:24Jesus Christ.
22:26Well, he must know his way around the bedroom, right?
22:28All right.
22:29Over there, that's quite nice.
22:29This remote has one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
22:35Is that a new plant?
22:35Or has that just always been there, no?
22:37So there's about 30 buttons on this.
22:39Yeah, 30 buttons, yeah.
22:40That's quite a good one up there.
22:41That's nice, yeah.
22:41Oh, my God.
22:44Oh, my God.
22:44That's quite...
22:45Yeah.
22:47Let's see.
22:49Oh.
22:50Oh, my God.
22:52Oh, my God.
22:54You wouldn't hold your breath for that.
22:55Ooh!
22:57You can.
22:57You can hold your breath for two, three minutes.
23:00That's mega.
23:01That is mega.
23:02He needs to be an Olympic diver if he can dive like that.
23:05I swear I do might drown.
23:07What a wonderful way to dive.
23:11Oh, it's a corny one, but we like it.
23:14Danny.
23:14He can do no wrong.
23:16No.
23:20Dad!
23:21Oh, fuck off!
23:25Oh, no!
23:26Oh, no, no.
23:28That's not good look, that, is it?
23:29I need to turn this off.
23:30Just do I have fancy Danny higher?
23:32I do.
23:33There's something magical about him.
23:35I think I'd risk it all for him as well.
23:39It's going to take some time to get rid of that image of Danny Dyer's butt.
23:44I'd forgotten about the one you said that back in my head now.
23:47It's just the way the two cheeks were just...
23:49They were just there.
23:51So close.
23:52Imagine the person getting that shot, by the way.
23:53It was just there.
23:54Imagine the person getting that shot.
23:55It was like...
23:56Like that.
23:57Yeah.
23:58It's just...
23:59Right...
24:00Yeah.
24:03In South London...
24:05Which one of my tattoos is your favourite?
24:07I don't like any of them.
24:09There was me being so bold by getting the Till Death Do Us Part tattoo.
24:13The wedding one?
24:14Oh, dear.
24:15Olivia and her mum Jennifer.
24:17I didn't think my first marriage would be amazing, but I didn't think it would be that bad.
24:21Right.
24:22So I, you know, I went out there with the Till Death Do Us Part.
24:26What do you mean by first wedding?
24:27I've decided now that I'm going to get married a few times.
24:32Or engaged.
24:33Because I like the ring.
24:35Yeah.
24:35Yeah.
24:36Engagements are good.
24:36So I like to collect...
24:37It's like Elizabeth Taylor.
24:39Right.
24:40In this economy, I don't think it's a bad side project.
24:43On Sunday night, pet pooches were sent back to school again on Channel 5.
24:48Well, I've got my dog.
24:49Of course, you've never had a pet, have you?
24:51I had a hamster, but it killed itself.
24:53Oh, God.
24:54Whenever they're being naughty in the park, I always call,
24:57Oh, I'm so sorry, they're rescues.
24:59Like, I got them the week...
25:00No, that's not an excuse.
25:01Both of my dogs are rescues.
25:03We cannot just say, Oh, they've had a tough life.
25:05You got them when they were about five, but they were fine.
25:08I know.
25:08They were fine.
25:08You've ruined them.
25:09I know.
25:13Dogs behaving very badly.
25:15Yeah.
25:16The naughtiest of naughty.
25:18It kind of seems like they're trying to put a little bit of a sexy spin on it.
25:21Yeah, I get it, actually.
25:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
25:23Do you know what I mean?
25:24It's like, all right, easy.
25:26At the end, she'll have a little dog like...
25:29Very badly.
25:31Oh!
25:32Four-year-old Doberman Troy...
25:33Let's go!
25:34...goes bonkers for brushes.
25:36Because he's got the bristles, I can't get them off him.
25:39When I'm trying to mop the floor, my little Remy, she grabs hold of the mop and she does this.
25:43My drug dealer used to have Dobermans.
25:46She had two sleeping in the hallway in case she made a run for it.
25:50Let go, Troy! Let go!
25:53You need a brush to do all the stables.
25:55You need a brush to sweep the yard.
25:58Has she tried not having them in...
25:59In the stable?
26:00In that stable.
26:01Morning!
26:02Morning, Graham!
26:04Morning!
26:05Right.
26:05I see your problem.
26:07I see your problem.
26:08I see your problem.
26:08Yeah, it's so obvious.
26:10Have you ever tried not having the dog when you're sweeping?
26:14He won't let go.
26:15No, he won't, will he?
26:16He's good at his job, isn't he?
26:18He won't let go.
26:20All right, well, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?
26:21Day one.
26:22Day one sick.
26:23Well, it's bad here, but it's worse at home.
26:26Really?
26:26Yes.
26:27I've got Dwayne to contend with.
26:28Who's Dwayne?
26:29Who's Dwayne?
26:31Dwayne, an African grey parrot who's a very naughty boy.
26:36I do like parrots.
26:37I love parrots.
26:37I'd love a parrot.
26:38Yeah, me too.
26:39Judy Dench has got a parrot.
26:41Has she?
26:41My auntie Annie had a parrot, and every time the boss went past, the parrot went,
26:46Fucking boss!
26:48There he is.
26:49He's very clever.
26:50How is he?
26:50He makes a lot of mess.
26:52African greys are notorious.
26:54They're the worst behaved parrots.
26:56Really?
26:56Yeah.
26:58No!
26:59No!
27:00Oh, blimey.
27:01Right.
27:01Dwayne's making a mess everywhere, so that's why she's got so many brooms.
27:05Can't keep up, will they?
27:07Look, Dwayne's quite happy at the showdown.
27:09This is TV for him.
27:10Dwayne's loving it.
27:11That's entertainment for Dwayne, so I think Dwayne getting entertained by Troy
27:16is probably encouraging Troy to play more.
27:19Mmm.
27:20So it's like a double-ended fist, isn't it?
27:23Yeah.
27:23I mean, chucking seeds out, because you know that she's then going to get a brush out,
27:27and you know what happens when a brush comes out, and he just sits back and just watches
27:31the entertainment.
27:32Exactly, Graham.
27:33That's what we were saying.
27:34Look at him, Dwayne, you little devil.
27:37What a dude!
27:38Hey, that parrot can be part of our gang.
27:42It's broken.
27:44Me and them bargains must love this woman.
27:46She must be down there about five times a day.
27:50That decision's another broom gone.
27:52The plan is to use a new game with new rules.
27:56What's the game?
27:56The broom is lava.
27:58If you touch the broom, you're out, all right?
28:01If he doesn't react, or he looks and goes, nah, all of those things would be a reason to
28:06say good boy.
28:07If he makes the wrong decision, we're going to say, game over.
28:11Oh, game over.
28:12I find it so funny that the only thing wrong with this dog is it just fucking hates brooms.
28:18So, let's just see what happens if I...
28:20Good boy.
28:21Go on, try. Good boy.
28:22Yeah, come on.
28:24Oh, yeah, he wants it. Oh, yeah.
28:28Game over!
28:29Game over.
28:30Oh, well done.
28:31Oh, shit, okay.
28:32She's not missing.
28:33Good tone of voice.
28:35Oh, she's weaned him off the broomsies onto doors now.
28:40It's quite triggering for me to watch, listen to that noise, because I did all this with
28:43Lola and Stitch.
28:44But now, Troy appears to prefer the new game.
28:49He's taking himself off to bed.
28:51Fine, all right, okay.
28:53I'll crack on and do a bit.
28:54Look at that.
28:56Look at that.
28:57This guy's a genius.
28:58Honestly, Johnny, he's amazing.
29:00Don't go bananas.
29:02Now Mum's doing it.
29:04He's not looking at the brush.
29:06He's barking his head off and looking at Mum.
29:08Oh, she's the problem.
29:10Oh, I reckon he thinks it's a threat.
29:12It's a threat.
29:13Let's see.
29:13So Graham wants to flip the focus.
29:16If he behaves, he can stay near Mum.
29:19Oh, look.
29:20He loves her.
29:21That's how I like my dogs to be obsessed with me.
29:24Mm-hmm.
29:24Good boy.
29:26That looks like a tiny bit of a brush.
29:27Yeah.
29:28That's a bit of progress.
29:30And pause.
29:31Good boy.
29:32Well, you know what?
29:33Brushing one-handed.
29:34Yeah, yeah.
29:35If he got to brush one-handed.
29:36No, I brush one-handed all the time, eh?
29:39So all she's got to do is not move from that position
29:43and have a Doberman attached to her
29:45at two touch points for the rest of her life.
29:48Troy is learning that staying calm...
29:50Oh, lovely.
29:51That's good.
29:52...keeps him close to Mum.
29:53Good boy.
29:53Can't help but notice, though, the brushing has been heavily affected
29:57because of that.
29:58Yeah, yeah.
29:58It's much harder to sort of dual-wield everything going on.
30:03I hated that, by the way.
30:05Mission accomplished.
30:06Nailed it.
30:07Brilliant.
30:08Fantastic.
30:09Good boy.
30:10What?
30:11Has he just solved it?
30:12You love your mum, don't you?
30:13Oh, yeah.
30:14Yeah.
30:15Do you have the detachment issues from her?
30:18Not when she's sweeping.
30:21Charlie jumped up to say hello to me yesterday and she, you know...
30:25Oh, no, you've got...
30:27Just a claw wick like that.
30:29Then he's saying hello.
30:30Yeah.
30:30Have you got a dry skin, Nigel?
30:32Because I've been lying in the sun.
30:35Yeah, well, there's this thing called moisturiser.
30:37Oh, yes.
30:38Doesn't mean you're a homosexual.
30:39But you put it on...
30:41Okay.
30:41...and your skin improves.
30:43It's a bit dry, isn't it?
30:52In Essex.
30:53There's no place better than finding a...
30:55When you find something, you can get a good coffee and a cake.
30:58Do you know what I mean?
30:58Yeah.
30:58That's why...
30:59That's the only reason I ever go for walks, really.
31:00Best mates Jordan and Perry.
31:03People like to go for walks, to go for a walk.
31:06Take in nature, maybe get my steps up.
31:09Not for me.
31:09I go with the idea of knowing at some point,
31:13we're stopping for a coffee and a cake.
31:15Where are your walks?
31:17Normally, normally shopping centres.
31:18I was going to say...
31:20I think you're going to the wrong spots.
31:23You've been to that beautiful park.
31:24I prefer walking around H&M and then just get the coffee.
31:26You're talking about Costa.
31:28Yeah.
31:29As well.
31:29You know what I mean?
31:30It's not even...
31:30You're nowhere near the wilderness.
31:33On Saturday night, top tier talent took to the stage for the grand finale on ITV.
31:39You know what?
31:40I do love rubbish telly, do you?
31:42Yeah.
31:43Imagine life without telly like this.
31:45Yeah.
31:48Oh, my God.
31:49It's the final!
31:50If I went on Britain's Got Talent...
31:51What would you do?
31:52I would...
31:52I would...
31:53I can get my legs behind my head.
31:54Both my legs behind my head.
31:56So, you think that's impressive at 52?
31:58It's impressive at any age.
32:00What would I do?
32:01You'd do a Cher impression.
32:03I'd do impressions.
32:04I'd do impressions.
32:32Not to try it at all.
32:34Oh, let's all try it.
32:35We're going to have to try it.
32:36Shall we try it?
32:43Oh, she's one of those.
32:45Oh, no.
32:46It honestly makes you so nervous when there's fire.
32:52Oh.
32:54That looks quite good.
32:55That does look amazing.
32:56Oh, go on.
32:57Oh, yes.
32:58Cartwheels while on fire.
32:59Yeah.
33:02More fire, more fire.
33:04I love fire.
33:07You sound like a payroll maniac.
33:14She set the duvet alight.
33:18There she goes.
33:20That looks pretty good, actually.
33:22Or is that an illusion?
33:24No, no, that's surreal.
33:25Is she really doing that, is she?
33:30No!
33:31On the shoulders.
33:32Do you think they've had a lot of practice?
33:34I'd like to think so.
33:35Yeah, I hope so.
33:39I only started doing this today.
33:49Oh, here we go.
33:50This looks exciting.
33:55Oh, no, what's she doing?
33:56Oh, no.
33:57Let me guess.
33:58Is it going to be on fire?
33:59Are they going to do the spinny thing?
34:00You know, when they light up and it spins?
34:02That's all it is, Denise, is spinny things.
34:08Oh, I know.
34:09She's going to do it with her feet.
34:11Wow.
34:11There's just no need, is there?
34:13Oh, for fuck's sake.
34:14No.
34:14No, no.
34:20Oh, you can't take your eyes off it.
34:26She's got one leg now, one leg.
34:28I think if I saw that, I'd be more impressed than seeing it on telly.
34:31Yeah.
34:31I couldn't get away.
34:34Is that it?
34:36I just mean, is that it?
34:40The end.
34:41Kiss.
34:42Weird.
34:42That was a weird ending.
34:44A weird ending to a weird show.
34:46Do you like going to circuses?
34:48Yeah, look.
34:49I did it.
34:49Yeah, yeah.
34:50Do you?
34:52Er, yeah.
34:53I mean, you know.
34:53But you run away through the circus.
34:55Well, you have done.
34:57Joel's old, Joel's dad did.
34:59Did he?
34:59He run away through the circus.
35:00People used to run away through them, didn't they?
35:02Of course, his dad did it.
35:04Yeah.
35:04Back in the 50s, 60s, whatever.
35:07Yeah, no, that was...
35:08He fucked off with a circus.
35:09Yeah, man.
35:12In London...
35:13Sometimes when I wear iron shirts, I do a couple of buttons up.
35:16Mm-hmm.
35:16And you put the shirt on, and then you forget to do the rest of the buttons up.
35:20Jennifer and her daughter, Beattie.
35:23Did you just go out with her?
35:25I was walking around, and I suddenly looked down.
35:27I had one button down in the middle of my shirt.
35:31And I thought, who have I seen?
35:33Who have... Where have I been?
35:36And no-one has said, we can see your bra.
35:39And your stomach.
35:42On Friday, they were keeping things close to home on ITV News.
35:47Snacks.
35:48Is that supper?
35:50No.
35:51That's your starter.
35:52Do you know watermelon?
35:54Yeah.
35:54Put that...
35:56Squeeze it on.
35:57Squeeze it on, and it's meant to, like, enhance the flavour of the watermelon.
36:00Does me naughty.
36:01I so cannot leave the news alone with what's going on at the moment.
36:06Well, it's just brainwashing, innit?
36:07Because you believe what the news tells you.
36:10Well, it's a lunatic, innit?
36:10That's in charge of America.
36:12You end up doing what the news tells you to do.
36:16Well...
36:16Which is a bit weird for me.
36:18This is the ITV Evening News with Lucrezia Millerini.
36:22Lucrezia Millerini?
36:24What's that?
36:25Mmm.
36:25Wow.
36:26Who invented this idea?
36:28Mmm.
36:29Now, if you're planning to spend your holidays in the UK this summer, you are not alone.
36:34The travel trade says there's set to be a staycation boom.
36:37I used to always go to my nan's caravan in Clacton, and I loved it.
36:41I think there's a lot to be said for going on holiday at home.
36:43I don't know.
36:43When I think about favourite UK holiday destinations, it's got to just be, um...
36:48I just like London.
36:50There's lots to do in London.
36:51You live in London?
36:51I live in London.
36:52It doesn't count as a holiday.
36:53You live there.
36:54But I'm still yet to actually discover London.
36:57You can't just stay where you are and call it a holiday.
36:59With holidaymakers keen to avoid airport delays or disruption caused by the war against Iran.
37:04Well, and also, all those queues at the ferry terminals at the airports.
37:07Yeah, because they've got to identify themselves with their passports because of Brexit.
37:12Which leads me to my point that I think if you voted Brexit, you should be in that queue,
37:17and if you didn't vote for Brexit, then you should be straight through.
37:21Exactly.
37:21And go in the quick one.
37:22Our consumer editor Chris Choi reports from Bognor Regis.
37:26Bognor's lovely.
37:26You used to do Bognor as a kid in a caravan park.
37:29Did ya?
37:30For my holidays.
37:31Where is it Wales, Bognor Regis?
37:33I'm not sure where Bognor Regis is, you know.
37:34I've heard of it.
37:35I don't think I've ever been there.
37:37Have you been there?
37:37I don't know.
37:38I don't know.
37:39You know if you've been Bognor.
37:40You know what?
37:41We can Google.
37:42Google it, then.
37:44I've not got my Google.
37:46Rising popularity can mean rising prices too.
37:49Oh.
37:49Are they jacking the prices up in Bognor?
37:52They're jacking the prices up in Bognor?
37:54Oh, don't.
37:54A 20% year-on-year increase in average daily rates for short-term rentals last month in Cornwall.
38:01Can I tell you what it's good for?
38:04It's good for the bloody country, mate.
38:06Yeah, yeah.
38:06You know what I mean?
38:06You know what I mean?
38:07We're spending our money at home.
38:09Yeah, we're at it here, mate.
38:11At it here.
38:11It's around 12% in the Scottish Highlands and 9% in West Wales.
38:16Looks like we're going to Wales.
38:189%.
38:18We're all heading to West Wales.
38:19Scotland I back because I love me some Highlands with the dogs.
38:23Yeah.
38:23There's a holiday question faced by millions this summer.
38:26Should I stay or should I go?
38:28You know what?
38:29Can I say?
38:30I live in an holiday destiny.
38:32I like them on permanent holiday.
38:35Yeah.
38:36Well.
38:36Imagine that.
38:37Yeah.
38:38On permanent holiday.
38:39I think you've been on a permanent holiday for at least the last 40 years.
38:50In Manchester...
38:51B, I've got your present, right?
38:53What is it?
38:54It's a mask.
38:55It's a mask?
38:56Right.
38:56What do you think?
38:57I get it now.
38:58I get the concept of it.
38:59But it is shaped like an orangutan.
39:02But you know what I realise?
39:03Go on.
39:04I can see behind me.
39:06Sean and Bess.
39:07So if you're a spy and you're walking down the road.
39:10I spy with one eye.
39:11Yeah, I know.
39:12You can see if anyone's following you.
39:14Let me look.
39:14Let me try.
39:15Let me try.
39:16Let me see.
39:16That is...
39:18Now I've got that, it changes the whole thing.
39:22There hang on.
39:22Shut one eye.
39:23I've got one eye shut.
39:24I'm looking to see the thing.
39:27I can't see anything.
39:28Let me see my eye.
39:30No, I can't.
39:32I can't see behind me.
39:33Yeah, you haven't got a movement.
39:35I have.
39:35Oh yeah, you know what?
39:36I can see my hand behind me.
39:38Yeah, yeah.
39:39You might not even know you're looking behind you because...
39:41That's a point.
39:43It's like looking forward but backwards.
39:46This week, it was the latest instalment of this horror film franchise that had us scared stiff.
39:52Oh, I like a bit of a horror film.
39:54Do you?
39:54Oh, I'm behind the sofa.
39:55Are you?
39:56That's what we're watching.
39:57What's that?
39:57Scream seven!
40:05Oh!
40:12Oh, here we go.
40:16the standard opening, car down a misty lane.
40:21Already I'm going and things are going to be awful.
40:23Oh, really? Are you quivering already, Nigel?
40:26Oh, shit.
40:28Oh, that's a long drive.
40:31Oh, that's the house from the old scream?
40:35OK, that's the serial killer.
40:36It's the serial killer for the first movie.
40:38It's his house.
40:41Oh, it's an Airbnb.
40:44They can rent it out.
40:46It's an Airbnb. Oh, my God.
40:47Stop it.
40:49A real-life murder house.
40:51It's perfect.
40:52For what? What's it perfect for?
40:53What's it perfect for, you weirdo? Get a life.
40:56I stay in a murder house every day.
40:58I've stayed in a murder house, haven't we, though?
40:59Yeah, yeah. You live in a murder house.
41:03Fucking murder it is.
41:05Shake it out, shake it out.
41:07I feel like I'm going to pee my pants.
41:10Oh, my God, that's...
41:12Oh, you sick bastard.
41:13I don't know if I'd like it if my boyfriend
41:14was, like, gassed to be at a place
41:16where people have been murdered.
41:17Look, people got killed here, darling.
41:19What a great night.
41:20I know.
41:21What the fuck is wrong with you?
41:22Red flag.
41:23Just take it out of a Toby Carver
41:24and fucking calm down.
41:26Yeah.
41:31Scott?
41:32Oh, here we go.
41:33I'm holding on to you.
41:35Is that all right?
41:36Yeah.
41:40Scott!
41:41Oh, no.
41:42Where's Scott gone?
41:43Scott's gone missing already.
41:46Oh.
41:51Ah!
41:52Christ, and a cardigan!
41:53Oh!
41:59What did you shout out?
42:01Cardigan?
42:03Christ, and a cardigan.
42:04Christ, and a cardigan.
42:08Oh!
42:10Oh, it's okay.
42:11I thought it was him.
42:12I thought it was him.
42:13So, with ease there, then,
42:14who the bloody hell was that?
42:15I feel sick.
42:16There's somebody in that room
42:17with a ghost face mask on.
42:20Do not go in there.
42:21Scott!
42:22He's going to get it now.
42:24He's going to go
42:25and do the manly thing
42:26and investigate.
42:28And then he'll get stabbed?
42:29Yeah.
42:30I do hope so.
42:34You're not going to die.
42:36Are we just fake?
42:38She's cause of our old scene
42:39over nothing.
42:40Why would you take anyone
42:42to this horrible house?
42:48Oh, here we go.
42:49Oh, don't answer the phone.
42:50That's the thing here.
42:52The phone rings.
42:54Yeah.
42:54Hello?
42:55You're going to die tonight.
42:57Oh!
42:59That's the murderer?
43:00Is it?
43:00Yeah.
43:01You like scary movies.
43:02You're going to die tonight.
43:05Listen, you little bitch.
43:07I'm going to slice you open
43:08and rip your guts out.
43:10Did you just call me a bitch?
43:11She's upset about being called a bitch.
43:13I'd maybe be more upset
43:14about the death threat.
43:15You'd freak out, wouldn't you?
43:16If I got a voice change
43:17and I was calling you all the time like that.
43:19Especially if you read,
43:20die, you little bitch.
43:21Yeah.
43:22Probably.
43:23What about we do?
43:26Scott?
43:29They never make it in time.
43:32Oh, my God.
43:32I feel sick, George.
43:34Oh, I don't like it.
43:35Where's Scott?
43:44Oh, my God.
43:45It's in the shadows.
43:47Can you see the face?
43:48Can you see it?
43:49Yeah.
43:54Scott?
44:01Oh, no.
44:02Oh, no.
44:03Oh, no.
44:04Oh, I don't like it.
44:08Oh, she just smashed.
44:13That was a queen.
44:17It's me what the fuck oh you idiot a fucking dick why does he do that he deserves to be
44:26killed immediately
44:29It moved yeah, it's electric. That's what it does. Oh, I still don't it's just not right
44:34Is it something you know something's happening here? No, I did move
44:40Different oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, then why are you going up to it you moron?
44:58It's just got knife in the temple air. Yeah, I miss that
45:04Don't look don't look I reckon what you reckon Scott's dead. Yeah, oh
45:13No, no, no, no, no, no, go upstairs
45:20Come on girl. Well, good girl. She's she's flasty though
45:32I'll see okay. Oh my god, Cirque du Soleil. Oh
45:38No
45:44Did she run to the night? Yes, she did oh my god Johnny. It's not good news. Oh
45:53He's setting the place on fire also kind he's gonna set fire to the house though. What a bastard
46:06Oh
46:06Christ that's how the film begins
46:09That's just the beginning well. I'm exhausted. I thought just making that I'm emotionally trained
46:14I might have to go light up a chocolate. Yes, this will make you up. Take your mind of it.
46:20Oh
46:20God