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TVTranscript
00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Honey, I'm home!
00:58I am the officers of the Anti-Deluvian Broadcast Company,
01:01the greatest creative minds in Pangaea struggle daily to provide the public with the very best in quality entertainment.
01:08I don't care if it's good or bad, it's just just to fill an hour!
01:11Does it fill an hour? Does it eat up the space between commercials?
01:15Fine! Get it on!
01:19Clear!
01:19Oh, man. We just need a couple of hit shows.
01:23Stu Boombird, high-powered network executive.
01:26His slightest win can become a top-ten-mega-hit audience-pleaser or a failure.
01:31It used to be so easy. Why is it so hard now?
01:34Oh, man.
01:35Am I getting hooked up for cable?
01:37No, Mr. Sinclair. We just want to get your response to some of our hot new television shows.
01:41Don't mind these wires. They help us to monitor your brainwaves.
01:44Ted Hardshell. He knows what the audience wants before they want it.
01:48And if they don't want it, he can make them want it.
01:50Or put it next to something they do want.
01:54My wife's waiting for me at the mall.
01:56She still thinks I'm in the food court eating a rat on a stick.
01:59Earl Sinclair, average TV watcher, picked at random from a shopping mall.
02:03His opinions will shape the TV programs for millions of viewers who didn't happen to be at the mall that
02:08day.
02:09We appreciate your help, Mr. Sinclair.
02:11Your honest responses will be helping us shape the future of the most powerful medium the world has ever known.
02:16No?
02:18Nothing.
02:20And when you finish, you get a cookie.
02:24Hey, cookies! I got them functioning. Beautiful.
02:27All right, Mrs. Sinclair, just watch the screen and enjoy.
02:34ABC. Watch us.
02:38Wednesday night is just for laughs with the fresh new house full of dads.
02:42Daddy, will you please read me a bedtime story?
02:46Sure thing, sweetheart.
02:52Shut up! Shut up! You're killing me!
02:55He wanted to be very sad.
02:57Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
03:01Plus, he was forced to be mad now.
03:03Babe!
03:04I don't get it.
03:05Ah.
03:06Uh-huh.
03:07Doesn't get it.
03:09This fall, it's Info 411.
03:11Actual calls for help.
03:13Real incidents that really happen.
03:15What city, please?
03:16Yeah. Uh, Lower Pangea.
03:17I need the number for Don Tarnofsky.
03:19I have two of the Tarnofskys.
03:21Do you know the street?
03:22No! I don't!
03:25Info 411.
03:26From the producers of Interesting Car Wrecks.
03:29I don't get it.
03:31Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!
03:33Maybe you'll like this one.
03:35Please.
03:37Triceracops.
03:38Act 4.
03:39Jack B. Nimble.
03:40Jack B. Homicide.
03:43Stop!
03:45Police!
03:47Come on!
03:50All right, Scumwad!
03:52Put your hands over your head!
03:54I can't!
03:55I'm a Tyrannosaurus!
04:02Maybe we should read him his rights.
04:05You have the right to remain dead!
04:14When do I get my cookie?
04:17Just one more.
04:18This one deals with the real issues confronting contemporary teenagers today.
04:23Go!
04:24We now return to Pangea Hills.
04:27Dino 210.
04:29Damien, we need to talk.
04:31I think I may be...
04:33in trouble.
04:34Oh, in trouble?
04:36Are you sure, Beth?
04:41Yes, pretty sure.
04:44I don't get it.
04:52Get this guy away from me!
04:55Guys, did I do something wrong?
04:56Three hours.
04:57And nothing!
04:58He hasn't moved.
04:59He hasn't blinked!
05:00You brought me a dead guy!
05:02You're dead!
05:03Get to the ground!
05:04I like this.
05:07Stu!
05:07Look!
05:12See?
05:13Colors.
05:14Nice shakes.
05:15I like the theme song.
05:17It's a test pattern, you zombie.
05:19But you can go to the bathroom, come back, and nothing's changed.
05:23It's a test pattern!
05:24It's just something to show in the middle of the night when there are no shows on.
05:28Middle of the night?
05:29Boy, I'm going to have to get a VCR.
05:31He's killing me!
05:32I can't take this anymore!
05:34Here's your cookie.
05:35Now leave!
05:37Oh, forget him, Stu.
05:39He doesn't know anything.
05:40The public's going to love our new shows.
05:42Our new lineup's going to be a huge hit.
05:44Clear!
06:02Showbiz.
06:03Huh?
06:04This is great.
06:06I get a big desk, a fancy title, and you guys pay me the same money I was making for
06:11pushing
06:12down trees?
06:13That's right.
06:15Suckers.
06:16Earl, Baby Boobie, you were dead right about the test pattern.
06:20We've adjusted our schedule.
06:22Gilligan's test pattern.
06:23Killer!
06:23Hart Castle in test pattern.
06:24Papa!
06:24My two test patterns.
06:25Big!
06:29I'm actually getting a little bored with the test pattern.
06:32Close it!
06:33It's gone!
06:33But what about our schedule?
06:35Look, he is a viewer, the voice of the public.
06:37He's tired of it?
06:38Kill it!
06:39It's history!
06:40Show Earl what else we've got!
06:41What?
06:42Oh, oh!
06:43Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:44Come on, come on, come on!
06:45This is a beautiful story about a sincere young female who searches for ultimate truth
06:50and spiritual fulfillment by joining a convent.
06:54Yeah.
06:56What if she could fly?
07:01Brilliant!
07:01Do it!
07:02I love it!
07:03What else we got?
07:04Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go!
07:06Go, go, go, go, go, go!
07:07We're very proud of this.
07:08It's our new medical drama series.
07:11Dr. Kirk Marcus, M.D., starring Judd Matthews as Dr. Kirk Marcus.
07:16This could be the most important breakthrough in medical history.
07:19Millions of lives could be saved.
07:22Guys, I'm getting a little bored here.
07:26What?
07:27Hmm, and who do we have here?
07:30Ah, baby cuddle bunny.
07:33Tonsillectomy.
07:34Now, while I prep for surgery, you change him into his pajamas.
07:39Not the pajamas, not the pajamas!
07:43Boy, I like that baby.
07:45Stop!
07:45Go back!
07:46Yes!
07:47Back, back, back, back!
07:47More, more, more, more!
07:48More!
07:49Not the pajamas, not the pajamas!
07:53He's so funny.
07:54I love it when he says, not the pajamas!
07:57The kid is gold!
07:58Find him and buy him from his parents!
07:59But, but...
08:00We'll build a show around him!
08:01I want t-shirts and a doll with a string in the back of the neck that says...
08:05Not the pajamas.
08:06Gold!
08:07Oh, you want him to fly, too?
08:09Don't be ridiculous.
08:13Babies don't fly.
08:15But, he could be the doctor.
08:18Genius!
08:19Baby, cuddle bunny, MD!
08:21It's bold!
08:22It's new!
08:22Aye!
08:23Put it on at 7 o'clock.
08:24But that's when the news is on!
08:26Cancel the news?
08:28You got it.
08:29Yes, sir!
08:30Ha-ha!
08:44I want to watch TV!
08:46No TV until after you play with your educational game.
08:49Ugh.
08:50Educational game stinks!
08:52Kids, drop everything.
08:54It's TV time.
08:55What?
08:56Earl, the children have homework.
08:58Close those books and get your eyes on the TV.
09:00This is one of the new shows your daddy thought up at his new job.
09:05And now, from the producers of the Test Pattern Show, it's the new hit show, Box Full of Puppies.
09:11It's a school night, Earl.
09:13The kids have to do their homework.
09:15Why?
09:15Because if all they do is watch TV, they'll never amount to anything.
09:19Oh, you're right, friend.
09:21I do nothing but watch TV, and I don't have a great job.
09:26Oh, wait.
09:27I do!
09:30I have a great job!
09:31I have a great job!
09:32Hi, honey.
09:33I'm home.
09:34Mm-mm.
09:37Mwah!
09:38Get to the puppies.
09:39Come on, come on!
09:42Honey, what's in the box?
09:43Just a little something I picked up at the pet store.
09:45Yes!
09:46Yes!
09:48Oh!
09:49Box full of puppies!
09:52I love you, little puppy.
09:54Oh, they're so adorable.
09:56Oh!
09:59Puppies!
10:00Just a box full of puppies.
10:03When the day is through...
10:04Body share!
10:04Box with a box full of puppies.
10:11And...
10:11Then at 9 o'clock, the prescription is laughter with Baby Cuddle Bunny, M.D.
10:16All right, Doctor.
10:17It's late.
10:18Time to put on your pajamas.
10:19Not the pajamas!
10:20Not the pajamas!
10:22Ha ha ha ha!
10:23Look!
10:23Not the pajamas!
10:24Not the pajamas!
10:26It's amazing the way a phrase like that can catch on.
10:30And now it's time for the Happy Color Show in color.
10:34Happy Color Show.
10:35It's the happiest show we know.
10:38With red and green and aqua green and blue like the sky above.
10:42Snow above.
10:43But our favorite color is love.
10:46I was just at the market talking to some of the other mothers, and they said all their kids are
10:51suddenly doing badly in school.
10:53They're like zombies.
10:56Oh, this has gotten completely out of hand.
10:58If we're going to watch television, we're going to watch the news channel.
11:02Robbie, turn on channel 8.
11:03Huh?
11:04Oh, which one's 8?
11:06What?
11:06Oh, give me that!
11:09Oh!
11:10Oh!
11:10Chaos everywhere, as an unremitting wave of stupidity sweeps our nation.
11:14Industry is at a standstill.
11:16Schools are closing their doors, as many dinosaurs find it difficult to perform even the simplest tasks.
11:21Scientists speculate that these, no, this, widespread outbrook might be the Rizu.
11:28Hello?
11:29Hello?
11:29Is anybody out there?
11:31Michael?
11:32Pick the camera up!
11:34What's going on?
11:39It's the end of civilization.
11:41And guess whose fault that would be.
11:44Hello, my wonderful family.
11:46I'm home from my wonderful job.
11:48Earl?
11:49Hold, babe.
11:50Idea for a new show.
11:52My Mother the Lamp.
11:54Details to follow.
11:55We'll flesh it out later.
11:56Earl, we have to talk.
11:57Pitch, babe.
11:58These shows of yours are making everyone stupid.
12:01Don't be silly, Fran.
12:03TV shows don't cause stupidness.
12:05They merely reflect the stupidness inherent in society.
12:07Not the pajamas!
12:09Not the pajamas!
12:10Robbie, show your father your report card.
12:13Hit me with it.
12:17Okay.
12:17Hello, Charlie.
12:18F.
12:19What?
12:19F, F, F, F.
12:21M.
12:23M.
12:24What's an M?
12:25Well, halfway through grading me, the teacher forgot the alphabet.
12:29Earl, it's Charlene.
12:31She needs a ride home.
12:33She can't remember where we live.
12:36That doesn't prove a thing.
12:37She never was the brightest kid.
12:39Earl, you have to put smarter shows on the air.
12:42Everyone's gotten too dumb.
12:44Fran, I think you're overreacting just a wee too much.
12:48This is a DNN special report.
12:50This just in.
12:53Municipal workers from the Department of Power are having trouble maintaining electrical service throughout Tangia.
13:00An official spokesman is quoted as saying, duh.
13:03Oh, ouch!
13:04Huh?
13:04Oh.
13:05Oh, oh, oh.
13:06Oh, oh.
13:06Uh-huh.
13:08Well, Earl?
13:10Okay, Fran.
13:11I'm open to discussing this.
13:16This isn't fair.
13:18Yeah.
13:18The one time in my life I'm good at something, and I wind up destroying society.
13:23Huh.
13:24Just my luck.
13:26Well, don't you worry there, Polly Boy.
13:28We'll fix society up in a jiffy.
13:30All we gotta do is put brainy intellectual type stuff on the air, and everybody will get smart again.
13:37But I can't pick the smart shows.
13:39No.
13:39How am I gonna know one if I see one?
13:41Well, I gotta simple rule it down when matters intellectual are concerned.
13:45If it confuses me, it must be the good stuff.
13:50And now, full spectrum, examining all sides of important issues with your moderator, John McLotten.
13:56Okay, our first topic is, should the rich eat the poor?
14:00What say you?
14:01Jack!
14:02Absolutely!
14:03The poor have had it too easy, too long.
14:05They're a drain on society and a good source of dietary protein.
14:08Disagreements?
14:09Barbara!
14:10I certainly do disagree.
14:12The poor are hardly a good source of protein.
14:14The meat is stringy, it's full of disease, and it's nearly impossible to find the right wine.
14:20See what I mean?
14:21Totally incomprehensible.
14:26Well, Mrs. Spoilsport, I hope you're happy.
14:30This is the end of my career.
14:33I picked a whole new lineup of brainy, tedious shows.
14:37And just in time, the kids are getting dumber and dumber.
14:41Kids, get in here!
14:42It's TV time!
14:44But, Daddy, you said we weren't going to watch so much TV.
14:47Tonight is special, dear.
14:49And, by the way, I'm Mommy.
14:51Whoa!
14:52Oh, Robbie, are you all right?
14:53Huh?
14:54Ugh.
14:55Mom?
14:56Oh.
14:56Yeah, I'm okay, Mom.
14:57I just keep forgetting to breathe.
14:59Mommy.
14:59Ugh.
15:00Oh!
15:01Earl, turn on that TV!
15:02Quick!
15:03Okay.
15:04No, Mommy.
15:05Mommy.
15:05Mom.
15:08Hold it right there.
15:10Come on.
15:14Don't shoot.
15:15I surrender.
15:16We're not going to shoot you.
15:17We want to re-educate you.
15:19You see, son?
15:20You're just the product of an alienated economic class,
15:24lashing out because you feel powerless and unloved.
15:27You've been disenfranchised by the bourgeois power structure.
15:30That's right.
15:30I stole a car.
15:31I'm a thief.
15:32Well, son, if you think about it, all property is theft.
15:36Oh.
15:37Let me explain how the surplus value of the workers
15:40being exploited in the marketplace.
15:42You see, when the means of production...
15:44We made a few changes in the shows.
15:47Oh, I feel this creaking in my head,
15:50like an old rusty machine
15:51that hasn't been used in a long, long time.
15:57And now back to the professor's show.
16:00So, x squared plus 2y squared equals 4
16:03can be graphed as an ellipse.
16:06Right-o.
16:06You see, all conic sections can be expressed
16:09as second power or quadratic equations.
16:13What?
16:16This show might be okay with just one professor.
16:20Yeah, and he's stuck on a desert island
16:22with a movie star and a millionaire.
16:29Live from the grand old think tank,
16:32it's time for Economics Hoedown.
16:34Yay!
16:37Hey, tell me something, Doc.
16:39How can you tell when the falling rate
16:41to profit is due to an increase in the organic composition of capital.
16:45When a drop in the effect of demand is due to the decrease in the marginal utility.
16:50Yee-haw!
16:55Oh, Charlene, you are so wrong.
16:58Am not.
16:59Yes, you are.
17:00Nope.
17:01Robbie, stop poking your sister.
17:03Not until she supports her hypothesis that truth is knowable.
17:06I wasn't talking about empirical evidence, butt face.
17:09Cut it out or I won't let you two go to school tomorrow.
17:12I mean it.
17:13We'll be good.
17:14Yeah, we promise.
17:15Promise, promise.
17:16Hello?
17:17Earl, it's for you.
17:18It's the office.
17:20Well, that's it.
17:21The ratings are in.
17:22I am now officially a failure.
17:25But you're a failure who did the right thing, Earl.
17:28Yes, more comfort when we're living in a cardboard box.
17:31There are not going to be any happy newspaper headlines this time.
17:35Yep.
17:38What?
17:48To Earl Sinclair for educating and elevating the dinosaur spirit.
17:53Hey, a proud moment for you, Pally Boy.
17:56You proved once and for all that smart TV really can get big ratings.
18:02I'm a fake.
18:03Huh?
18:04I'm a fraud.
18:05Huh?
18:05They gave me an award for putting on shows I don't even understand.
18:08Well, maybe that's a burden of the network executive.
18:12To pick shows that are smarter than you are.
18:15Yeah, but at what cost?
18:17I canceled Box Full of Puppies.
18:19I canceled the Happy Colors show.
18:21I betrayed my highest ideals.
18:23Okay.
18:24Huh?
18:25Huh?
18:26Oh!
18:26You!
18:27You and your brainy shows!
18:29The ratings have taken a nose dive.
18:31It's like no one's watching TV anywhere!
18:34Hello?
18:35Hi, Earl.
18:36Do you have the TV on?
18:38No, but I was watching earlier.
18:39I saw this wonderful program on smelting.
18:42I thought I'd try my hand at isolating iron from unprocessed ore.
18:46What about the kids?
18:47Are they watching TV?
18:48No, Charlene's off on a cartographic expedition to chart the freshwater source of the Macombo
18:53River.
18:53Bye, Ma.
18:54Lala.
18:55And Robbie's developed this rocket propulsion fuel with enough thrust to launch his brother
19:00into orbit.
19:01Stand by, Mission Control.
19:02We're ready for lift up.
19:04Hey.
19:05Give it!
19:05Robbie says this could possibly be the greatest achievement in dinosaur history.
19:09Who cares?
19:11Put the TV on!
19:12Our ratings have dropped into the toilet!
19:15Oh.
19:16I'm sorry, Earl.
19:17But your new shows have stimulated us so much that we found more interesting things
19:21to do with our lives.
19:23Nobody has time for TV anymore.
19:26But-
19:26Bye, dear.
19:29This is all your fault, Sinclair.
19:31You and your bright ideas about quality television.
19:35Oh, man.
19:36The public's gotten too smart.
19:38Oh, they're all reading books.
19:40They don't need us anymore.
19:41There must be a way to make them dumb again.
19:43We could drug them.
19:44Something in the water supply.
19:46We don't have the budget for that.
19:47Fine.
19:48We'll just hit everyone in the head with a brick.
19:50Hmm.
19:51You guys are evil.
19:52Huh?
19:53What?
19:54I put on the dumb shows because I like them.
19:56And then I put on the smart shows to save the world.
20:00Yeah.
20:00You guys have an opportunity to speak to millions and millions of dinosaurs.
20:04But you don't care what you put on the air.
20:07All you care about is ratings.
20:13What's your point?
20:15My point is that if you're gonna proceed with your fiendish plan, you can do so without me.
20:21Bye.
20:22Look, the way I figure it is, we have to bring the IQs down, oh, 60 points.
20:27But wouldn't they be too dumb to turn their sets on?
20:30Yeah, good point.
20:31What if they can't find them?
20:32Well, Pally Boy, maybe you did earn that plaque after all.
20:36And then build them without an off button.
20:37Come on.
20:38But why don't they still read books?
20:40Yes.
20:40Okay.
20:41So, if they're still reading books, I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
20:45What?
20:46Well, we're gonna get them interested in TV again with a book.
20:49A very special book.
21:03Mom, I just don't see why I can't go to school today.
21:06Because it's Saturday, dear.
21:07Besides, Robbie needs your help with the final launch sequence of his rocket.
21:12It's T minus one minute to lift off.
21:15I'm counting.
21:23You know, if this works, it'll alter the course of history.
21:27That's wonderful.
21:28Hey, everybody.
21:29I'm getting on the brain bandwagon, too.
21:32From now on, I'm cutting down on my TV viewing and starting to read.
21:35What's that, Earl?
21:36Oh, it's a book that was just delivered to the front door.
21:39Oh, a new book.
21:41Who's the author?
21:42Yeah, it's all about TV.
21:44A guide to TV?
21:45Doesn't sound very stimulating.
21:47Look here.
21:48It's got a crossword bustle with the names of your favorite stars.
21:51Ooh.
21:52Let me see.
21:53It makes it possible to plan out a whole viewing schedule.
21:56Hey, kids, look.
21:57Look at this.
21:58The shows come on just when the book says they will.
22:01This is the greatest breakthrough of our time.
22:03It's the happy color.
22:11Hey, hey, what's that noise?
22:13Yahoo, kids.
22:18Boy, TV's just as good as I remember it.
22:24Back in!
22:25Yeah!
22:27Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
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