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Short filmTranscript
00:02:36Good morning, sir.
00:02:38Welcome to the Majestic.
00:02:47May I help you?
00:02:48Lionel Spalding and Neil.
00:02:52Welcome to the Majestic, Mr. Spalding.
00:02:54Neil.
00:03:09This is the Air Shaft to Basement, Air Shaft to Basement. Do you read me?
00:03:12Copy. I read you. What's your 20?
00:03:14I'm in position. Found our target. He's picking on poor Artie.
00:03:18Artie, I don't care how long you've been in this hotel. You must smile when you greet the guests.
00:03:24You should see this lady who checked it. She weighs about 1,000 pounds.
00:03:29That's a physical impossibility. And stay focused. We're on a mission here.
00:03:33Sorry. 10-4.
00:03:39One more time like this, and cut.
00:03:42Okay. Go.
00:03:55Is he on the mark?
00:03:56Not yet.
00:04:02Kyle, what's he doing?
00:04:03Not yet.
00:04:13No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:04:33Uh-oh, air shack to basement. We have a problem.
00:04:37What?
00:04:38The host of guests.
00:04:39Abort mission, repeat. Abort mission.
00:04:55You better get out of here till things cool down, Kyle.
00:04:57Gotcha.
00:05:03Mr. Grant, you might want to step out here a moment.
00:05:07Hey, Mark.
00:05:09Hey, boys.
00:05:10Whoa, Brian, slow down!
00:05:11What the? Wait a minute.
00:05:16Brian! Kyle!
00:05:18Get a split up, Kyle!
00:05:19What?
00:05:20What?
00:05:28Get your hands off me!
00:05:30I said that!
00:05:35Well, isn't this a pleasant way to start the day?
00:05:37Come on, come on, Abort!
00:05:42His name is Neil.
00:05:44After Neil Armstrong.
00:05:46The first man on the moon.
00:05:48Yes, he was.
00:05:51And he's very, very sensitive.
00:05:54Yes, well, I can see that just from looking into his eyes.
00:05:57I just hope he hasn't suffered any severe trauma.
00:06:02Mr. Grant.
00:06:04Yes, thank you, Nancy.
00:06:06Dr. Soltanoff.
00:06:08He's one of the finest pet psychologists in the city.
00:06:11Please mention my name, and I'm sure he'll see Neil right away.
00:06:15Well, thank you, Mr. Grant.
00:06:16Say thank you to Mr. Grant.
00:06:21Hmm.
00:06:22We were aiming for Norm, Dad.
00:06:23He stole our Frisbee.
00:06:24No, no.
00:06:25No, no.
00:06:25He did not steal your Frisbee.
00:06:27He dug it out of the smoked salmon on the breakfast buffet where you two threw it.
00:06:30We didn't mean to soak in a guest, Dad.
00:06:33Mm-hmm.
00:06:39Kyle, would you hold this up?
00:06:40Atta boy.
00:06:41And would you mind putting it in right about here?
00:06:44Dad.
00:06:44No, no, no.
00:06:45Please, I insist.
00:06:46Brian, you too.
00:06:47Bernard, can I have another knife?
00:06:48Go ahead.
00:06:49Just push it in and start carving.
00:06:51You might as well.
00:06:51Because if this week doesn't go perfectly, and I mean perfectly,
00:06:55and if you two do anything to foul up the crystal ball,
00:06:58I am going to be skewered, roasted, and served as dead duck flambe.
00:07:04So unless you two prefer moving from a five-star hotel to a trailer park,
00:07:08we will have no further disturbances.
00:07:12Do you understand?
00:07:14We're sorry, Dad.
00:07:21Now, next week, after this is all over,
00:07:26we get to go on vacation.
00:07:28Yes.
00:07:29Barbados for ten days, just the three of us.
00:07:33Yes.
00:07:33And we get to be the guests,
00:07:35and we will nag, and we will complain,
00:07:39and we will make other people's lives miserable for a change.
00:07:43But until that time,
00:07:46you're both grounded.
00:07:48What?
00:07:54Come on, guys.
00:07:56Let's go.
00:07:56Dinner.
00:08:00Hey, I was up to 400 bucks.
00:08:02Where's your brother?
00:08:03Barbados.
00:08:07Kyle, what are you doing?
00:08:12Practicing.
00:08:14I figure we need spear guns for sharks.
00:08:17Wouldn't that be so cool if we got to shoot a shark?
00:08:19For everyone but the shark.
00:08:21Well, the hotel has spear guns.
00:08:23Well, we can ask the concierge when we get there.
00:08:26Don't you like your steak?
00:08:26It's okay.
00:08:28It's okay.
00:08:28Okay.
00:08:30That is the finest filet in the city, my friend.
00:08:32Well, maybe we should cook for ourselves one night.
00:08:35Why?
00:08:36We have a five-star restaurant at our beck and call 24 hours a day.
00:08:39Well, what if we get in a plane crash?
00:08:41Like coming back from Barbados.
00:08:43And we're stranded in the jungle.
00:08:44And we have to use spear guns to shoot our food.
00:08:46But we don't know how to cook it or anything.
00:09:08Well, if you've got to be grounded, a five-star hotel is the place to be.
00:09:24So, if you'd like some extra towels or a bucket of ice...
00:09:26Oh, my God, these children are so tired.
00:09:30Enjoy your stay.
00:09:33Enjoy your stay.
00:09:50Terribly sorry.
00:09:52It slipped out of my hand.
00:09:53I heard something in there.
00:09:55Probably one of my sports coats.
00:09:58I've been told they're a little bit loud.
00:10:02Don't you think that's funny?
00:10:04Oh, yeah, I like it.
00:10:06That's better.
00:10:09Would you like to see a little trick here, hmm?
00:10:12Okay.
00:10:14You know, I can do all sorts of tricks.
00:10:18Do you know what my speciality is, hmm?
00:10:22No.
00:10:23I can make nosy little boys disappear.
00:10:27One more thing.
00:10:29My dollar.
00:10:34Good morning, Rutledge.
00:10:36Welcome to the majestic Mr. Rutledge.
00:10:39Lord Rutledge.
00:10:41I beg your pardon.
00:10:42Quite all right.
00:10:44The Rutlidges don't stand on the ceremony.
00:10:47Lord Rutledge.
00:10:49What are you doing here, darling?
00:10:51Mrs. Delacroche.
00:10:52Are you here for the ball?
00:10:54Of course.
00:10:55Where is poor Mr. Delacroche?
00:10:57Not here.
00:10:58Oh?
00:10:59How sad.
00:11:15Let's get to work.
00:11:18Three hundred rooms, Dunstan, equals six hundred earrings, if my math serves me right.
00:11:25Here we are.
00:11:26The majestic hotel.
00:11:28And it's ours for the taking.
00:11:31And where better to begin than with the lovely Mrs. Delacroche.
00:11:36Room 812.
00:11:37Room 812.
00:11:38Remember her?
00:11:39Mm-hmm.
00:11:40I hope she hasn't pawned all the best jewelry to finance those facelifts.
00:11:44Mm-hmm.
00:11:46I thought you'd given up.
00:11:50It'll stunt your growth.
00:11:52Now give it back.
00:11:56Dunstan, I'm a little too busy right now of your ever so amusing little games.
00:11:59Now will you please give it back?
00:12:03Monkey spirit.
00:12:06How delicious.
00:12:11Very good.
00:12:12Very, very good.
00:12:14Dunstan, have you seen the ice bucket?
00:12:20I have two words to say to you.
00:12:24Medical experiments.
00:12:31Now, go to your room.
00:12:33I am not debating this.
00:12:35You move!
00:12:38Well, I'm a liberal parent.
00:12:40Have it your own way.
00:12:42God forbid I just want your fun.
00:12:45Go to your room!
00:12:52Spare the rod and spoil the monkey.
00:13:11Dubrow alert.
00:13:12Dubrow alert.
00:13:13Dubrow alert.
00:13:15Dubrow alert.
00:13:16Dubrow alert.
00:13:17Dubrow alert.
00:13:18Dubrow alert.
00:13:19Dubrow alert!
00:13:20Dubrow alert!
00:13:20Dubrow alert.
00:13:20Dubrow alert.
00:13:21Dubrow alert.
00:13:22Dubrow alert.
00:13:22Dubrow alert.
00:13:25Dubrow alert.
00:13:30Lobby, three degrees too cold
00:13:32Doorman, slow to open car door
00:13:33Two crushed box
00:13:34Then ashtray number one
00:13:38Make that four degrees too cold
00:13:41Victor
00:13:43Come along, darling
00:13:49You're beautiful, don't you?
00:13:52Mrs. Dubrow
00:13:53I'm sorry, I'm sorry
00:13:55I didn't mean to put me on the other side
00:13:56I'm quite all right
00:13:59I'm taking him to his analyst
00:14:01Don't let me keep you
00:14:05Consuelo
00:14:07I'm sorry
00:14:11Consuelo
00:14:11So I knocked on the trunk and it knocked back
00:14:14And I knocked on the trunk again and it knocked back
00:14:16And then Browler
00:14:17I was about to knock on the trunk a third time
00:14:19Browler
00:14:20Dad, wait, I'm not done
00:14:21Yes, you are, she doesn't like kids
00:14:23She once kicked Big Bird in the nuts
00:14:30Dad
00:14:32Dad, put me down
00:14:33Dad, put me down
00:14:35Dad
00:14:36Under the desk
00:14:38Robert
00:14:39Mrs. Dubrow
00:14:41We'll roll in the cards
00:14:43What a pleasant surprise
00:14:45Mr. Dubrow, nice to see you, sir
00:14:47Fluffy towels
00:14:48I beg your pardon?
00:14:49Read the cards, Robert
00:14:51You gotta keep up on the cards so you know what our guests want
00:14:54Know what they want, huh?
00:14:56Know what they want
00:14:58Fluffy towels?
00:14:58That's right, nice fluffy towels
00:15:01Talk to the laundry immediately
00:15:03Victor, darling, sit down and work on your cards for a while
00:15:05Robert, we have some very exciting news
00:15:12Doesn't it look great?
00:15:15What do you think?
00:15:16Well, it's wonderful, Mrs. Dubrow
00:15:18I was just thinking that the Lamont people might not appreciate us just adding a sixth star
00:15:23The Lamont people have decided to award a sixth star to the most elite hotels in the world
00:15:32Now, I have it on good authority
00:15:36They have a person here now
00:15:39The Lamont people have a representative here now?
00:15:42This week?
00:15:42Yeah, of course, this week
00:15:43The crystal ball is the social event of the season
00:15:46Why shouldn't they be here?
00:15:47I want that sixth star, Robert
00:15:48Are we very clear on that?
00:15:50I would be very upset if I don't get it
00:15:53I understand
00:15:55Good
00:15:56And next week
00:15:57When every travel section in the country interviews us
00:16:01I want you in the picture with me
00:16:03Next week
00:16:04Could you excuse me for just a second?
00:16:11Oh, yes, yes
00:16:13I am scheduled for a vacation next week
00:16:17No, no, no, no, no, no
00:16:19Ow!
00:16:20Ah, don't want to bang my knee
00:16:22Trick knee
00:16:22Robert, I need you here
00:16:25Dad, you promise?
00:16:27If you want to kill me, just kill me
00:16:29Pick something up and beat me over the head
00:16:31Why is he talking to his crotch?
00:16:34Is there a problem, Robert?
00:16:37No, no
00:16:39Dad
00:16:41Well, yes
00:16:43Actually, Mrs. DeBrown
00:16:45This is the second time that I've had to cancel
00:16:47No, it's the third
00:16:49Word
00:16:49What's the word that I'm looking for?
00:16:52I hate when that happens
00:16:53When words just fly out of your head
00:16:55It just makes me insane
00:16:57Paper?
00:16:58Huh?
00:17:00Robert, I know
00:17:01It's an inconvenience
00:17:04Let me just put it this way
00:17:06When we get the sixth star
00:17:08You are in for a big bonus
00:17:10And you can take them someplace fabulous
00:17:13Eventually
00:17:13But if we don't get the sixth star
00:17:18Time off just won't be a problem, will it?
00:17:22Any other problems?
00:17:25No
00:17:25Good
00:17:26Oh, one more thing
00:17:28Since this is such an important time for the hotel
00:17:30I think you should fire somebody
00:17:31Yes, Mrs. DeBrown
00:17:33Robert, I haven't asked you to fire anybody since I mean
00:17:36Christmas
00:17:37Yes
00:17:38Oh, there's a clumsy clerk
00:17:40With a foreign-sounding name
00:17:44Consuelo
00:17:44She'll do
00:17:46Come along, Victor, darling
00:17:47Really, Mrs. DeBrown
00:17:49I'm not sure that that's the best
00:17:50Robert, just do it
00:17:53By the way, there's a small boy under your desk
00:18:02That's not fair, Dad
00:18:03You promised us
00:18:04Let me work on it, Kyle
00:18:08I need to see Consuelo
00:18:10Oh, all right
00:18:11Send her in
00:18:12You can't fire Consuelo
00:18:14I have a system, Kyle
00:18:17Fortunately, Mrs. DeBrown never remembers
00:18:18Who it is she wants me to fire
00:18:21Yes, Mr. Grant
00:18:23Consuelo
00:18:24Consuelo
00:18:26I'm giving you a week's paid vacation
00:18:29Starting right now
00:18:30Thank you
00:18:31Yes, yes
00:18:31On one condition
00:18:32You have to run out of this office right now
00:18:37Crying
00:18:37Okay
00:18:56Well
00:19:13Zoom in on eight
00:19:14He's a big scary guy
00:19:16With a huge trunk
00:19:17And lots of stickers
00:19:18Right
00:19:19Scary guy
00:19:20Huge trunk
00:19:20Got it
00:19:21So keep an eye out for him, okay?
00:19:23You bet, kid
00:19:24This one really liked me
00:19:26What do you think?
00:19:27They're okay
00:19:28I have a very bad feeling about this guy
00:19:31Kyle, we're a little preoccupied here
00:19:33I have a sense about these things, Murray
00:19:35Yep, I know you did
00:19:36I just know he's up to no good
00:19:38Kyle, do you mind?
00:19:39So keep an eye out for him
00:19:40He could be anywhere
00:20:03I've got to go schmooze the guests
00:20:05Do what your brother says
00:20:06Within reason
00:20:12The human body can only stand so many centuries of inbreeding
00:20:18I beg your pardon
00:20:19Are you the manager?
00:20:20Yes, I am
00:20:21Robert Grant
00:20:22Lord Rutledge
00:20:24Tell me
00:20:25Where do you keep the champagne?
00:20:27Near the furnace
00:20:31Is there a problem, Lord Rutledge?
00:20:33No
00:20:33It's just that your room service brought me a bottle of champagne
00:20:36That I could have quite comfortably bathed in
00:20:38Had there been any soap
00:20:42Well, I'm terribly sorry
00:20:45Yes, you should be
00:20:52Good evening, Mr. Rutledge
00:20:56Have a nice evening
00:21:12I still say you're making a mistake
00:21:16Doctor, I'd like to kiss you goodbye
00:21:19All right
00:21:20But you're so damned ugly
00:21:50So Brian, what are we going to do tonight?
00:21:53Whoa, what is this wee stuff?
00:21:55Remember, Mr. Spaulding in 612 needs his dog walked
00:21:59Don't forget to thank him if he gives you a tip
00:22:03Thanks for joining us
00:22:04I'm going to be a tip
00:22:04And we'll see if he has a tip
00:22:11We'll see you who will enjoy
00:22:11So what are we going to do tonight?
00:22:16We're going to have a tip
00:22:25Of the way
00:22:26We'll see you
00:22:29To be out
00:22:35his name is neil after neil armstrong the first man on the moon i love the astronauts don't you
00:22:42yeah sure i want you to be very very careful with him
00:22:47because he's my pride and joy joy joy back in 10
00:23:29yes you are
00:23:36Oh, my God.
00:24:01Oh, my God.
00:24:31Oh, my God.
00:25:05Oh, my God.
00:25:31Oh, my God.
00:26:01Oh, my God.
00:26:59Oh, my God.
00:27:00Oh, my God.
00:27:05Oh, my God.
00:27:22Oh, my God.
00:27:29Oh, my God.
00:27:50Oh, my God.
00:28:24Oh, my God.
00:28:52Oh, my God.
00:29:22Oh, my God.
00:29:46Oh, my God.
00:30:17Oh, my God.
00:31:04Oh, my God.
00:31:04Oh, my God.
00:31:43Oh, my God.
00:31:52Oh, my God.
00:32:04Oh, my God.
00:32:35Oh, my God.
00:33:01Oh, my God.
00:33:30Oh, my God.
00:33:59Oh, my God.
00:34:22Oh, my God.
00:34:51Oh, my God.
00:34:55Oh, my God.
00:35:05Oh, my God.
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00:36:03Oh, my God.
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00:37:06Oh, my God.
00:37:08Oh, my God.
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00:37:44Oh, my God.
00:38:14Oh, my God.
00:38:20Oh, my God.
00:39:15Oh, my God.
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00:39:25Oh, my God.
00:39:27Oh, my God.
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00:39:43Oh, my God.
00:40:06Oh, my God.
00:40:38Oh, my God.
00:41:24Oh, my God.
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00:42:02Oh, my God.
00:42:29Oh, my God.
00:42:31Oh, my God.
00:43:08Oh, my God.
00:43:30Oh, my God.
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00:44:33Oh, my God.
00:44:55Oh, my God.
00:45:10Oh, my God.
00:45:13Oh, my God.
00:46:00Oh, my God.
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00:48:03Oh, my God.
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00:49:25Oh, my God.
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00:49:55Oh, my God.
00:50:00Oh, my God.
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01:00:16Oh, my God.
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01:15:02Oh, my God.
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01:25:32Oh, my God.
01:25:59Oh, my God.
01:26:30Oh, my God.
01:26:52Oh, my God.
01:27:43Oh, my God.
01:27:46Oh, my God.
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