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  • 16 hours ago
First broadcast 25th August 2013.

Stephen Fry

Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
Sandi Toksvig
Jason Manford

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:02Good evening, and welcome to an episode of QI that's all about inventions and discoveries.
00:10In fact, anything that's just the job.
00:13They say that the greatest of all inventors is accident.
00:16With that in mind, let's meet the tremendously timely Jason Manford.
00:24The consistently coincidental Jeremy Clarkson.
00:32The stupefyingly serendipitous Sandy Talkswee.
00:39And an accident waiting to happen, Alan Davis.
00:49So, let's hear your Alexander Graham Bells.
00:53Jason goes...
00:56Jeremy goes...
00:58Is it going to be a Carl Horn?
01:00No, that's surprising.
01:02Sandy goes...
01:03I want something trim.
01:06Yes, and Alan goes...
01:17I can listen to this one forever.
01:19He loves this one.
01:20It's a 14 and a half hour.
01:24It's a Wagner ringtone.
01:28Isn't that wonderful?
01:30I could listen to that forever.
01:31Anyway, so, let's begin with an interesting question.
01:34What were chainsaws originally invented for?
01:40Proctology.
01:44Wow.
01:45That's scary.
01:46Yeah.
01:47That's a...
01:47Slicing an arse in half.
01:49Yeah.
01:50Well, you know, you were in the right area.
01:53I have to say.
01:53What really?
01:54Circumcision.
01:58What I mean is, you began straight away with medicine.
02:01You didn't say trees or, you know, cutting down...
02:04Oh, cutting off legs.
02:05Slip bones.
02:06Bones is the right answer.
02:07Yes, in particular, it was a rather unpleasant procedure.
02:11Oh, don't.
02:11It'll be a boy thing against a girl thing.
02:13Well, not against, do you not?
02:15No, it's not...
02:15There's doctors trying to help.
02:17Oh, I know what it is.
02:19I know what it is.
02:19It'll be a boy thinking a woman's taking far too long over labour going,
02:22Oh, I can't stand all that panting.
02:24I know, we'll get a chainsaw or just cut that baby out.
02:26That's what it is.
02:27Do you know you're absolutely right?
02:39It was in 1783.
02:42That's no excuse.
02:42It was two Scots doctors called John Aitkin and James Jaffrey,
02:47and it was called a symphysiotomy,
02:49and it was a procedure to widen the pelvis
02:51if the baby's head was too large to pass through.
02:55Can you hear the high tone of all those sighs?
02:58What do you like about this picture?
02:59It's a bit eye-watering.
03:00It's a ladies' ward, so, of course, there is some baking going on.
03:05Oh, that's right.
03:06Cake display cake.
03:08And I took a...
03:09Or buns in the oven, Stephen.
03:11You see what I did?
03:13They didn't really, darling.
03:15I'm afraid they did.
03:16When I say chainsaw, it was literally a chain.
03:18It was like a watch chain, in fact.
03:21Ah, right.
03:21It was like an up and down.
03:22It wasn't a full lumberjack giving it...
03:24It's a boy!
03:26They hadn't yet invented the internal combustion engine.
03:29And cesarean sections.
03:30Cesarean sections have replaced the same idea.
03:33A few.
03:34Yes, quite, exactly.
03:35It's a bit of a relief.
03:36It would have been easier to do the cesarean section, I think.
03:38Sawing the pelvic bone in half is not as easy as maybe just a small incision.
03:42But is there not...
03:42I know you'd have thought they would have made out the sunroof.
03:44But this was before antiseptic...
03:46It was before antiseptic surgery and, of course, it was before any kind of anaesthetic.
03:50Was there not a meeting?
03:52You know what I mean?
03:52There's not a meeting where someone goes, I've got it.
03:55And they go, what?
03:56They go, chainsaw, innit?
03:58Well, they looked at a watch chain and they said, you know, we could sort of ease away the bone
04:04like that rather than using a saw.
04:07I know, everyone's wincing.
04:08Well, we've got another question that isn't about that.
04:12Would it heal?
04:13Presumably not very well.
04:14Well, they then went on to use the same thing.
04:17For example, if someone had a bit of diseased bone, they would do the same thing.
04:20They would sort of tick it in, they'd go up and down like that.
04:23And then they'd do it lower down and the two bits would fuse together and they'd have a stiff arm.
04:28But it would get rid of the diseased bone.
04:31It was called an osteotome.
04:33It eventually became like a chainsaw.
04:34You can see one here.
04:35My God.
04:36That is more like a chainsaw.
04:38Pretty unpleasant.
04:39You don't want that coming at you.
04:40You really don't.
04:41You really, really don't.
04:43I remember my wife had a baby.
04:45I remember it well.
04:46I'm just...
04:47I wouldn't forget.
04:48It was a grand day.
04:49But once you had a baby and there's a point where you go in to see the...
04:53the fellow who's going to sort it out on the day.
04:56That's him, yeah.
04:56He's got an official title.
04:58And you go in to see him.
04:59And as the husband, he says, right, you sit there on a chair.
05:04And then he pulls the curtain across while him and your wife are in this thing.
05:09While he has a little dabble or whatever he's doing.
05:10That's a bit intimate, isn't it?
05:11It's a bit like you go, I've seen it, mate.
05:14Do you know what I mean?
05:14There's nothing...
05:15This is why we're here.
05:18Well, you don't look when that happens, though, do you?
05:21At the moment of conception, do you actually have a look?
05:23You're looking...
05:24LAUGHTER
05:27Sorry.
05:28Jason, sorry.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:30I think I was watching that.
05:31He doesn't need to know, Jason.
05:32He doesn't need to know.
05:33You're gazing lovingly into her eyes.
05:35Gazing lovingly.
05:38Gazing lovingly at the ball identity, which is still on the television.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44Has he reached for a drink?
05:46I'm...
05:47What do you think, darling, that he's got a periscope at the moment?
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
05:52I don't know why you and I are having this conversation.
05:55LAUGHTER
05:55It's true.
05:57LAUGHTER
06:01APPLAUSE
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02After the invention...
06:03After the invention of the internal combustion engine,
06:05where we were getting...
06:07Jeremy, it is home territory now.
06:08Eventually, by 1920,
06:09they were small enough to be able to have a...
06:12hand-powered...
06:12And then they cut down trees.
06:15And then they cut down trees, exactly.
06:16Well, anyway, there you are.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18Chainsaws were originally invented for midwives.
06:20Staying in that general area, unfortunately,
06:23explain how an electric jockstrap works.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:27Is there going to be a demonstration?
06:30LAUGHTER
06:30Do you know, I kind of wish there were.
06:32Is that what this is?
06:32No.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36LAUGHTER
06:37That's what this is.
06:37Is it a warming thing, or...?
06:40And an electric anything takes us into a period of time.
06:44Galvanism. It's Victorian galvanism.
06:46Exactly.
06:46Everybody thought they were interested in it would cure everything,
06:49stimulate everything, and achieve everything.
06:51And so, at the back of every newspaper,
06:53there was an electrical something, a galvanic bath.
06:56But these were electric jockstraps, and...
06:58Well, presumably, because they had all sorts of things
07:00to stop boys playing with themselves,
07:02it must have been...
07:03It would stop you, wouldn't it?
07:04It would stop you, wouldn't it?
07:05No, no, no, I think he might be nice.
07:07Yes.
07:08Oh, really?
07:08Yes, hot on.
07:09We men know that.
07:11LAUGHTER
07:12Because there are seven code words in Victorian English.
07:16Nervous and general debility, lost vigour,
07:19decline in the whole train of gloomy attendants
07:22was standard code for impotence.
07:25Enter the Heidelberg Electric Belt.
07:28There it is.
07:30LAUGHTER
07:30Wow, that's a bit high up, isn't it?
07:32Obviously, there's a finger down there.
07:33No, that's really kind of buzzing away in the important area.
07:37And that is actually going to cause you to...
07:41Well, I'm afraid the phrase is pretty embarrassing.
07:43They advise seminal economy.
07:47They're advising against...
07:48Is that what EasyJet?
07:49Yeah.
07:50LAUGHTER
07:50They're advising against wantonly jettisoning
07:53too much nervous substance.
07:58LAUGHTER
07:58Is that what they called it?
07:59That's code for semen.
08:01In other words, it's essentially a sex toy.
08:03Wantonly jettisoning.
08:04No, I'm not.
08:04Don't wantonly jettison your nervous substance.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:08I like the idea of nervous semen just coming out going...
08:11Whoa!
08:12LAUGHTER
08:13He's quite camp.
08:15Perhaps he's having problems with his virility
08:16because he's sleeping with the wrong sex.
08:18Well, it might be that.
08:19But that genuinely was an item, as you can see, hugely advertised.
08:23There are lots of different...
08:24So is it designed then to lift the dormant chap
08:27or to denervify the semen?
08:30It's basically designed saying,
08:32would you like to enjoy the experience
08:35of a little bit of a tingling down there
08:37that maybe has disappeared,
08:39or probably it was just like,
08:40that's a damn good thing to take to a hotel room?
08:42LAUGHTER
08:42Why have they gone out of fashion?
08:44I know!
08:44It's a sale!
08:46LAUGHTER
08:46I feel like, if Ann Summers did them,
08:48you could see it, not in the upstairs bit,
08:50the downstairs bit of Ann Summers, you know, like...
08:52Tell me about this, Jason, because I...
08:53Well, upstairs is, like, just like chocolate willies in that.
08:56Downstairs, someone's going to get hurt, Stephen.
08:58LAUGHTER
09:00LAUGHTER
09:01Really? I've never been in an Ann Summers.
09:03That's weird, you'd think it'd be the other way round.
09:05You'd have to go upstairs in order to...
09:06No, you come in at, like, ground floor level.
09:08I mean, only going off our nearest twelve branches.
09:10Yes, right.
09:11LAUGHTER
09:13But, yeah, that's the normal one.
09:15Then you sort of pop downstairs, you know, anniversary or whatever.
09:18Gracious.
09:19But the other thing about that is you've got ten days free trial.
09:24As you can see, it is actually...
09:25What if you send it back and it goes to somebody else?
09:27That's what I'm worried about with the free trial.
09:30I know, exactly.
09:30You're using a used one.
09:32Yeah.
09:33It is going to get much more acceptable and decent, this programme, I promise you, as we move along.
09:38So, anyway, unfortunately, we are staying in the nether regions.
09:40Why would you want to wear your underpants inside out?
09:43And I'm not looking at you here, I have to say.
09:46Right. It's a boy thing.
09:47This is a male question.
09:48There's a cameraman I used to work with who reckoned he could get five days out of a single pair
09:53of underpants,
09:53and I can't work out what the fifth is.
09:54I mean, we know the inside out, then back to front, then back to front, and the inside out covers
09:58all the important parts.
10:00But he and the fifth day, which always...
10:02The fifth day, he wore them as a hat.
10:07Never quite understood it.
10:08I love his guy's glasses ready.
10:11I'll do a bit of reading.
10:13And a martini.
10:14Yes, and a martini.
10:15It's a very peculiar photograph.
10:16I don't really understand it.
10:18But what sort of pants is he wearing?
10:20Y-fronts.
10:20Y-fronts.
10:21Now, all Y-fronts are the same, and what is it about them that is...
10:24Oh, is it because they're on one side?
10:26Yes, they're made for right-handed people.
10:28The aperture.
10:29So you might say wear them inside out, and then a left-handed person would be able to use that.
10:33But the weird thing is, counterintuitively, and I have some Y-fronts for you, and you can have them.
10:39This is maybe your first time.
10:40I couldn't be more thrilled.
10:41Green for you.
10:43I'll take the pink one.
10:44You'll take the pink one.
10:46It's like reservoir dogs, isn't it?
10:48And you can be Mr. Blue.
10:50Now, you may say, okay, so the right hand opens the flap there.
10:54Turn them inside out, and it's still the right hand.
10:56That's what will show the audience, Joe, the ladies and gentlemen, those are inside out.
10:59And you would think, turn them inside out, but they don't reverse in that sense.
11:03They're magic pants.
11:05They're magic pants.
11:06They're the same.
11:06Well, I'm left- I'm actually left-handed, so...
11:10You've got them on back to front.
11:16No, it's there, it's there.
11:18There's the bits.
11:19That's not healthy at all, though.
11:20You would think that turning them inside out would move the right to the left, but it doesn't.
11:25Oh.
11:25And you'd have to have a really good topological brain to map that in your head.
11:30I have a photograph of David Walliams on my telephone in a pair of underpants.
11:36But he's got two whys going on.
11:40Oh.
11:40Oh.
11:41That's odd.
11:41That explains a lot about David Walliams.
11:45As an individual, he's certainly none too wiser.
11:50Day five.
11:52I didn't mention, Alan, that we had to collect...
11:55Oh, don't.
11:56Stop it.
11:57...from the crew, because we didn't actually have any other.
11:59No, they are, of course, brand new and clean, as you said.
12:02They're rather good for a warm day.
12:03They are.
12:04That's why they were developed.
12:06And it started with the X fronts, which were in an X shape, and they were reasonably successful.
12:11And then a man in America that called Arthur Kniebler came up with Y fronts, or jockey shorts,
12:16and it just took off enormously.
12:18Daki shorts.
12:19Daki shorts.
12:20And they were in instant.
12:21Daki shorts.
12:22Daki shorts.
12:23Daki shorts.
12:24I turned my jockey shorts inside out.
12:26That's...
12:26Very good.
12:27I still can't find my cuck.
12:31Oh, dear.
12:32This really has probably begun about as low as any project we've ever done.
12:38It's going to rise, I promise you.
12:39It's going to rise.
12:44Whoa.
12:45Whoa.
12:48I swear, Stephen, it's a gift.
12:49Your abilities are in you now.
12:51I don't mean to.
12:53I know.
12:54I just have to whip it out and stick a red pencil.
12:58Hey, wait.
12:59I feel I've inadvertently arrived on a boys' night.
13:03And now we come to our dubious theory, ladies and gentlemen.
13:07And dubious theory from Stephen Fry.
13:10Yes.
13:11People who believe in urotherapy claim that drinking your own urine can cure everything from cancer to the common cold,
13:18not to mention boosting your libido and generally pepping you up.
13:22Others say that's a load of old whittle.
13:24Look it up on drinkmyurine.co.uk and decide for yourself.
13:31A dubious theory from Stephen Fry.
13:35It's not this is Hayley Mills' website, is it?
13:37No, not Hayley Mills.
13:38Oh, it's Sarah.
13:38You know who you think of?
13:40Sarah.
13:40Sarah.
13:41Sarah Miles.
13:41Sarah Miles, the actress, is a urinobibe.
13:47She drinks her own urine.
13:49What's the reason that it might make you better?
13:51Let me give you the theory of a woman called Martha Christie.
13:55She wrote, your own perfect medicine.
13:58The very first toilet visit of the day, she says, is the most beneficial.
14:03She recommends starting with five drops of fresh morning urine under the tongue before gradually increasing the dosage to as
14:13much as a cupful morning and night.
14:15Give us five drops.
14:16That's remarkable control.
14:18I think the idea is to take a pipette.
14:25Yes.
14:25And put it in?
14:28No, not in.
14:29No, you pee into a bowl or something and then I don't know.
14:32Your first, first toilet visit of the day, as she likes to call it.
14:37But Victorian women used to take warm boys' urine for freckles.
14:42Really?
14:43It was thought to be something that if you applied it to your face.
14:46It would give you freckles or take them away?
14:48No, except take them away.
14:49It's a wonder why I...
14:50You may have noticed I have completely freckles for you.
14:54It's a wonder why we're still here sometimes.
14:56It is, isn't it?
14:57If you read stuff, you think, what, the Victorian women pissing on their own faces for freckles, you mean?
15:01No, they didn't wee on their own faces.
15:03They've got a boy to do it.
15:05They've got a boy to do it.
15:06You'd have to be a contortionist to wee on your own face.
15:10You really would, wouldn't you?
15:11It was a backward somersault.
15:12I thought a headstand would probably do it, wouldn't it?
15:17Gravity would take its...
15:19Yeah, that would sort of stuff.
15:20Oh, no.
15:20I get sent very odd things by members of the public.
15:24And I got sent a thing for her to stand up, wee-ing.
15:28And I thought it was...
15:28Oh, a funnel.
15:29It's called a shi-wee.
15:30Do you know, it's the most marvellous thing.
15:31It's Japanese, isn't it?
15:33Oh, darling, I piss in all sorts of places now.
15:35I get out of the car, I can't be bothered to pop into the service station.
15:38I'm on the back wheel.
15:39It's absolutely the most marvellous thing.
15:41It is mostly for driving, I thought, the shi-wee.
15:44Driving under the influence of the need for a wee is the most dangerous thing a human being can do.
15:50I have reached 170 miles an hour.
15:54Disabled parking spaces outside motorway service stations are their mind, because I am disabled by the need.
16:00You are just...
16:00You become consumed with...
16:02I had a wee in just a water bottle once, driving about 100 miles an hour, just a wee in
16:08this water bottle.
16:10And...
16:10But then it won't stop.
16:11Well, I failed my driving test.
16:14Yay!
16:16No one.
16:18Being in a bottle in a car, when you realise there's more than it will fit in the bottle.
16:22Oh, that's the worst.
16:23No, no, no.
16:25No, no.
16:26No.
16:26You can't pitch it off.
16:27I can't empty it out of the window.
16:28You can't pitch it off.
16:29Just have a little sip.
16:30Slowly...
16:32Slowly...
16:33Slowly...
16:33I feel better.
16:35The coach from his school children just moves alongside.
16:38They look down on you and you're going, ah!
16:41What he needs is a straw, see?
16:45Take it out as it goes in.
16:47Straight back in again.
16:48And five little drops under the tonne.
16:49And it cure your cancer as well.
16:51Any freckles?
16:52Any freckles?
16:53Do you know of any other urinobibes?
16:55Er...
16:55No, I don't.
16:56I don't.
16:56JD Salinger, apparently.
16:58And, of course, Jennifer Saunders, not Jennifer Saunders herself, but her character, Eddie Monsoon,
17:02in ABFAB.
17:03It's urine therapy, darling.
17:04It's not to be sniffed at, as she said.
17:07Er...
17:07The Prime Minister, Miraji Desai of India, he was a urinobib.
17:10He was elected when he was 80 years old.
17:12So it certainly obviously didn't do any harm.
17:15Er...
17:15Helen Andrews of the British Dietetic Association says there are no health benefits.
17:18In fact, it could be detrimental.
17:19Each time you put it back, it'll come out more concentrated.
17:22And that's not good for health.
17:23It could damage the gut.
17:24Toilet visit in the morning means sometimes.
17:27You don't want to be in the same room as that before.
17:29Especially if you've had a...
17:30I'm putting it under your tongue.
17:31Imagine if you've had asparagus the night before.
17:33Oh, no.
17:34I mean, sometimes it's got that sugar puff smell, hasn't it?
17:37Yes.
17:38You know, on that day, you might go, all right, I'll risk it.
17:41You know what I mean?
17:42But...
17:43Er...
17:43Anyway, that's probably enough about pee.
17:45So, what was your great-grandmother doing down the back of the sofa?
17:50Was she, er...
17:51Is she a borrower?
17:52Oh, was she a borrower?
17:53No.
17:54I come from a particularly small family.
17:56And, er...
17:57We lost many...
17:58Various pieces.
18:01I had an aunt that went through a cane chair.
18:02We never saw her again.
18:04Was she dead and been cremated when you spilt her?
18:06What was happening around the time of one's great-grandmother?
18:09What sort of...
18:10They were using the elderly to stuff the sofa.
18:15About a hundred years ago, families began to do a thing in order to register their lives
18:21and formalize their existences after wedding photographs.
18:24So photographs.
18:25Exactly.
18:25And particularly their babies.
18:27They like to have their babies photographed.
18:28But exposure times were quite long.
18:30And how do you keep a baby still?
18:32Oh, I've seen this.
18:34This is this weird thing...
18:35Heroines.
18:36There's loads of pictures of them.
18:37Yes.
18:38They've got, like, sheets over there.
18:39Yes.
18:39And they're sort of holding the child in place.
18:41Yes.
18:42Exactly.
18:42They're called hidden mother photographs.
18:44They're terrifying.
18:45There's a website of them.
18:46Yes.
18:46And they're terrifying.
18:47Yes.
18:48Oh, wow.
18:49That's horrible.
18:50It's like a woman in a burqa.
18:52Yes.
18:52It's all true.
18:53There's the mother pretending to be a sofa or an item of furniture,
18:57keeping her baby quiet and still enough for the exposure time of the photograph.
19:02We've got another one where the mother looks a bit like a carpet.
19:04I mean, it's really...
19:07It's not even a baby.
19:09I know.
19:10It's a young girl.
19:12There is a whole class of these...
19:14Yeah.
19:14Don't move, you bitch.
19:15Don't move.
19:17And we knew when Jason would definitely get the points there,
19:19for having known about them.
19:21It's terrifying.
19:22It's brilliant.
19:24They're hundreds of...
19:24And they're all sinister.
19:26Like, you've gone...
19:28Yeah.
19:28Rather than just let the kid stand by itself,
19:29you've gone,
19:30go and stand with that ghost.
19:31Yes.
19:32Well, you know, it's weird.
19:33Well, the mother will be talking to the child.
19:35Yes.
19:35It's all right, darling.
19:36It's still...
19:36The tears talking!
19:40I have a sofa.
19:42I'm afraid there's an even more macabre class of photograph.
19:46Obviously, back in those days,
19:47also, infant mortality was very high
19:49and families decided that it would be a good idea
19:52to have a photograph of their dead child.
19:54And so, they would be as if asleep.
19:56We're not going to show them to you
19:57because I think it's a bit too sick,
19:58but there are lots of photographs of dead babies
20:00made to look as if they're asleep.
20:02Well, Victorians were weird.
20:04They were...
20:04They were weird.
20:05I want to put a picture of my dead child on a mantelpiece,
20:09and then I'm going to drink some urine
20:10and pop my penis into this election.
20:14You're right, actually.
20:15Come to think of it,
20:16we beat ourselves up
20:17for being a sort of morally corrupt generation.
20:20But they used to take the hair of dead people
20:21and turn it into jewellery, didn't they?
20:23Yes, they certainly did.
20:23Very common to make it into necklaces.
20:24There was certainly a melancholy,
20:26macabre obsession with death.
20:27There's no question about that.
20:29Maybe it's not so much an obsession with death.
20:31It's just that death was more present in people's lives.
20:34It's a very good point.
20:35We are probably amongst the first generations
20:37of human beings ever,
20:39most of whom have never seen a dead human body.
20:41As it happens, I went to the body farm in Tennessee
20:43where I suddenly saw 200,
20:45never having seen a single one.
20:47Sorry, the body farm?
20:47It's called the body farm, yes.
20:49Wow, we have the body shop.
20:50It's not quite the same thing.
20:52They're into forensic pathology.
20:54And they take bodies who volunteer
20:55and they're burnt and they're hidden in the trunks of cars.
20:58It's a study of decomposition.
20:59They're decomposed.
21:00And a lot of murderers have been brought to book
21:02because of it,
21:02because you've been able to prove that they've died,
21:04they've been dead that long.
21:05Where is this place?
21:05This is in Tennessee.
21:07Who have the best holidays?
21:08Honestly, I...
21:10Do you know about the auctioneer
21:11summoned to the big Scottish castle?
21:13This is not a joke, by the way.
21:14But he was summoned to a big Scottish castle,
21:16their lord had just died
21:17and their family was selling off all the contents.
21:20And he was looking around,
21:21trying to find this hat stand,
21:22which he couldn't,
21:22and then finally he came across it
21:23and it was a German soldier.
21:25And what had happened
21:26was that the lord,
21:28or his ancestors,
21:29had been in the First World War
21:30with his Batman,
21:30who it was always supposed
21:31was a little more than his Batman.
21:33Right.
21:34Who had looked over the trench
21:35to see if it was alright
21:36and was shot by the Germans on the other side.
21:38And this enraged the Scottish chap so much,
21:40he ran across no man's land,
21:42killed the German,
21:44dragged him back to the British trenches,
21:46sent him home with instructions
21:48he'd be stuffed and used as a hat stand
21:50for the rest of time.
21:52But only 80 years had elapsed,
21:54so it was as though his ancestors
21:55would still be around in Germany
21:57and they would come in after.
21:58And they had to go find them
21:59and say,
22:00oh, did he have a dignified death?
22:02Not really, no.
22:07He's still stood since 1917
22:10in the hall of the Scottish castle
22:12of stuffed German soldiers.
22:13I'd do that.
22:14That's not a bad idea when you die,
22:16just to say,
22:17I'll be at stand now.
22:18It is.
22:18I'd do that.
22:19Stand around the house.
22:20You could get a job
22:20and a photographer's holding babies, couldn't you?
22:22Yes.
22:26We have for you,
22:28probably the first ever photograph
22:29of a human being,
22:30which is other exciting.
22:32It's from the 1840s
22:33and it's by Louis Daguerre himself.
22:35He took a photograph.
22:36In those days,
22:36very long exposure
22:38and all the people who were there
22:39would have moved through
22:40as a blur,
22:41you wouldn't have seen.
22:42But there is a boot boy
22:43with a customer
22:44with his leg up,
22:45as it were,
22:45and you can see that
22:46and we can probably circle it for you
22:48and give it a little bit of a...
22:49Wow.
22:49And that is the first human being,
22:51or a pair of human beings,
22:52ever photographed.
22:53It's rather wonderful, isn't it?
22:54How long does it take
22:55doing them shoes then?
22:56I know, it's surprising.
22:58It was a ten minute exposure.
23:00Oh, okay.
23:00Ten minute exposure.
23:01It was in 1838.
23:03That's how long ago it was.
23:05Wow.
23:05And we have a photograph for you
23:06and you have to identify
23:07who the person is
23:08in the photograph.
23:10Who's that?
23:11Is that Bruce Forsythe?
23:14It's not Bruce Forsythe.
23:15In the early years.
23:16It's quite surprising.
23:18It's someone you would not imagine
23:19there would be a photograph of.
23:21Okay.
23:21Can you give us a country?
23:22Is it a British?
23:23Is it a British man?
23:24He was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
23:25Oh, as well as a Prime Minister of the...
23:26He was from an Irish family.
23:27Actually, the Duke of Wellington.
23:29Oh.
23:30Yeah.
23:30The Victor of Waterloo.
23:32As an old man.
23:33He looks surprisingly benign
23:35considering his reputation.
23:37But is it amazing?
23:38There is a photograph of Wellington.
23:39Yeah.
23:40It's rather fabulous.
23:41That's just a great picture.
23:42It is actually a lovely picture.
23:43It is, isn't it?
23:44Yeah.
23:44Anyway, so let's move on
23:46to something very, very different.
23:48Name something interesting
23:49you can do with a slinky.
23:51Well, it's a...
23:52Well, you can't untangle it.
23:54That's certainly...
23:55Oh, God.
23:55I got through so many as a child.
23:57It was so upsetting.
23:58It was the most...
23:59It was the most...
23:59You go to the top of the stairs
24:00and you look at this.
24:01It's...
24:01Oh, no!
24:02And then that would be it in your toilet.
24:03We've given you some stairs.
24:05In fact, you can take your stairs
24:06and your slinky out
24:07and demonstrate.
24:08There may be young people in the audience.
24:10You're going to love this.
24:11You can attach...
24:12You can attach it to your...
24:13This is...
24:13Look at this!
24:15Yay!
24:17It's not fun.
24:18They're the best thing.
24:21Oh, dear.
24:22I'm literally the happiest man in the world.
24:25That is brilliant.
24:27Hey!
24:28He invented this out of...
24:30He was a suspension designer, wasn't he?
24:32He was a naval officer.
24:33His name is Richard James.
24:35And it was in 1940...
24:36Nin...
24:37Nin...
24:43It's called the Allen effect.
24:47Just...
24:47No!
24:49You don't do it like that.
24:51You lift the top.
24:54Somebody go and get him a rally top.
24:57How can you not work a slinky?
24:59How can you not do that?
25:02Yay!
25:02Yay!
25:09Can you imagine giving this to a child now and going,
25:12that's it.
25:12That's your gift.
25:14Happy Christmas.
25:15Whatever you do, don't attach it to your electric jockstrap.
25:18No.
25:19But he didn't invent it by accident.
25:21He was making corkspans and he invaded it.
25:22He was an American naval officer and he literally knocked over a spring
25:26and it went for a walk.
25:27And he thought, ooh, that's interesting.
25:29And so he developed and experimented.
25:31He came up with a slinky.
25:32And more than...
25:33Look, to be fair, it was his wife who thought it would make a good toy.
25:36Yes, it's true.
25:36Let us...
25:37Let us remember that sometimes the men get overlooked in these things.
25:41Yeah, absolutely.
25:41More than 300 million were sold.
25:43Which is an incredible number.
25:45All to me, because I can't break them.
25:47Yeah.
25:48Yeah, I know, because they tangle up.
25:49Now, if you'll put them away...
25:50Do you mind if I keep the stairs?
25:52Because there's a few shelves in the kitchen that I still have to go on.
25:54You're very welcome.
25:59But what we do have is a very extraordinary effect that happens if you drop a slinky,
26:04which is that when you let go of it, the bottom does not move.
26:09Watch the film and you'll see what I mean.
26:11It's actually really astonishing.
26:13It's a very peculiar effect.
26:15What's the bottom of the slinky?
26:17As it actually happens in very high-speed camera.
26:21The bottom is completely still.
26:23Isn't that amazing?
26:25Wow!
26:25That is a really bizarre effect.
26:27No, you can't really explain quite why that happened.
26:29Oh, I bet James May could.
26:31Oh!
26:37No, no, you see, the thing is...
26:39Oh, God!
26:41Is there a use for this?
26:43Discovery?
26:43But maybe Jason's idea of crossing it with the Heidelberg electric jockstrap
26:47may result in a really quite remarkable experience.
26:50You'll see me on the next series of Dragons then.
26:52Yeah.
26:53I have jettisoned wantonly, but it hasn't been a flaw.
26:59It is a great phrase, wantonly to jettison, isn't it?
27:03It really is marvellous.
27:04Anyway, now we've got more toys to play with, so put the slinky away.
27:07I'm going to ask you basically this simple question.
27:10Why are Jerry's better than flimsies?
27:13Jerry.
27:13When we say Jerry, there are Jerry's...
27:15Jerry...
27:16Jerry cans.
27:16Jerry cans.
27:18Jerry cans.
27:19And what were Jerry cans?
27:20Oh, but it's a petrol.
27:21It's a thing that was used in the war, wasn't it?
27:23By whom?
27:24Presumably by the Germans.
27:26That's...
27:26But we eventually used them, but firstly by the Germans.
27:29And we had something else called the flimsy.
27:31And unfortunately, the flimsy was absolutely cack.
27:36Didn't blame...
27:37Didn't blame...
27:38Didn't blame...
27:38Didn't blame...
27:39There's the...
27:40On the left is a jerry can, and there on the right is a flimsy.
27:45And General Orkinleck, who was the predecessor of Montgomery in the 8th Army, actually said this about the flimsy.
27:51He said the flimsy and ill-constructed containers for carrying fuel, he said, leaked 30% of its fuel between
27:57base and consumer, with huge consequences in lost lives, battles and shipping.
28:02So British soldiers basically spent their life trying to steal the jerry can.
28:05To the extent the Germans started booby-trapping, because they knew that the British wanted to steal them, because they
28:10were the most desirable object.
28:11The jerry can, I have two of them for you.
28:14They are absolutely astonishing, incredible inventions.
28:17Basically, they're a single weld, like this, they have this fabulous cap, they have an inner lining, which means they
28:23can carry water or petrol.
28:26They have this thing opens, what's called a donkey dick, comes out, his nickname donkey dick.
28:30But rather cleverly...
28:31It's been a hell of a show for me.
28:35I mean, they have this little indentation here.
28:38What do you think that does?
28:39Strength.
28:40It strengthens it, but also, in heat, it allows it to expand.
28:43And the handles are absolute genius, because if you have two empty ones, you can hold them together using the
28:51handles.
28:52One here.
28:53I'm going to stand up like so.
28:55Standing.
28:55You simply hold them like that, using that.
28:57But also, when you're holding it, you hand it to someone else, there's a handle.
29:01I see.
29:01You simply take it, like that.
29:02And they are...
29:03Getting the donkey dick out now, sir.
29:04They are almost perfect.
29:06You won't be able to, it's really, really stiff.
29:13It's amazing.
29:14It's a real colour.
29:16It's so terrific.
29:17How do I do it?
29:18I don't know how you do it.
29:19It's amazing.
29:19I love it.
29:20But it is genuinely one of the most brilliant designs ever made.
29:23It's never been improved.
29:24But they still lost.
29:25They still did lose.
29:26One of the reasons they lost is that by the end of the war, we put these 21 million of
29:30the jerry cans.
29:31And I will quote President Roosevelt, who said, without these cans, it would have been impossible for our armies to
29:38cut their way across France at a lightning pace, which exceeded even the German Blitzkrieg of 1940.
29:44So basically, we won the war by stealing the Germans' jerry can, because the movement of vehicles, and therefore of
29:52petrol, is absolutely essential in war.
29:54So is that where the word, so the word flimsies come from that?
29:56No, no, flimsies existed as it were.
29:58They were called flimsies, because they were just so shite.
30:00Oh, I see, right.
30:01They were just square, square metal boxes that rotted and leaked and were useless.
30:05Okay.
30:06And these designs were, I mean, almost every aspect of them was quite, and not only that, they floated, which
30:11the British ones didn't do.
30:12So the Germans could drop them at sea or on rivers.
30:14I mean, they were kind of the iPod of the day.
30:16They were just the most perfect design imaginable.
30:19Anyway, can you name an everyday object that was invented in a jail?
30:23Not a glider.
30:25You don't really use a glider every day, do you?
30:27Well, a couple, oh, you use one every day.
30:28Yes, that's the point.
30:29You're told to use it every day.
30:31Toothbrush.
30:31Yes, is the right answer.
30:33And I would be very impressed if you could get the name of the man who invented it, because...
30:36Mr. Toothbrush.
30:37No.
30:39No, because...
30:39Mr. Oral B.
30:41Toothbrushes.
30:42You're on the right lines in as much...
30:44There are still toothbrushes.
30:45Gibbs.
30:46Under this name.
30:47Addis.
30:48Yes, Addis.
30:49Addis is the right answer.
30:51Thank you very much.
30:51And he was in prison.
30:52He was in prison.
30:53It goes all the way back to 1780.
30:55He was in prison for rioting.
30:57And he was expected to clean his teeth using a piece of rag and some soot scraped off the
31:02back of a chimney.
31:02And so he decided that a scaled-down broom would be better.
31:05So he got a piece of bone from the food and he drilled little holes in it and managed
31:10to blag some horse hair off a warder and made a toothbrush.
31:13And then...
31:14Can I think you open the door again?
31:15Warder, you haven't got any horse hair, have you?
31:19In those days, those prisons were, but you were allowed to have your own money in prison
31:22and so on.
31:22They often had horses working as warders.
31:25Ah.
31:26That's not any horse hair.
31:29There is that possibility.
31:30And on his release, he decided to market it and it coincided with the arrival of sugar
31:34from the West Indies and the rise of tooth decay and everything and it was a gigantic
31:38success.
31:38And to this very day, toothbrushes are marketed under the name of Addis, as you obviously
31:42know because you said the name.
31:43Actually, there's a connection between toothbrushes and prison because the great
31:46Dame Ethel Smiley, the wonderful composer who wrote the March of the Women for the
31:50Suffragettes, she was arrested also for rioting and she was taken to Holloway prison.
31:56And in order to support her, all the suffragettes came and stood below her window and sang
32:01the March of the Women and she leant out and conducted with her toothbrushes.
32:03Oh.
32:04There you are.
32:05That is a very good connection.
32:06I like that.
32:07Excellent.
32:08Yeah.
32:10Well, there we are.
32:11Right, but what's the least promising invention in history?
32:14So something that people thought wasn't going to be.
32:16Yeah.
32:17Least welcomed and then turned out to be most successful.
32:20It wasn't the energy saving light bulb because that's one, that's an invention for
32:24me.
32:25Yeah, but that's been forced upon us.
32:26And it's the worst invention.
32:27It's like, I need this room to be light in about an hour.
32:31I leave them on 24 hours a day so that I can read a book and I go to bed
32:35at night.
32:35This was invented by a man called Sylvan Goldberg, but you wouldn't think of it as an invention
32:39and yet I suppose it is and it's the shopping trolley.
32:43And men thought it was effeminate to walk around a shop pushing a trolley and women thought
32:47it was an insult to their ability to carry a basket.
32:49Perfectly capable of carrying baskets, I don't need to do it.
32:52So he invented 1938 and for two years he paid people basically just to wander around supermarkets
32:58or the early shops wheeling them so people got used to the sight of it.
33:02Did he pay them to wear those clothes?
33:03Someone must have paid her to wear that outfit as well.
33:06Sylvan Goldberg died in 1984 worth $400 million.
33:11Wow, that's a lot of pound coins.
33:12He kept the pound coins.
33:15It's a lot of clogged canals.
33:17It's a lot of clogged canals as well, yes.
33:19So it did work.
33:21Another example with bubble gum which was invented by a man called Frank Fleer in 1906.
33:25He called it blibber blubber.
33:27But unfortunately his particular recipe meant that once the bubble had burst you had to use turpentine.
33:35Which is in itself toxic anyway.
33:36Have you ever got any form of gum, particularly nicotine gum, no on the screen of an iPhone?
33:43Oh no?
33:44That's what I want an invention for, I've just decided.
33:47If you get the gum on the front of an iPhone there is no way of removing it.
33:50Hammer, chisel.
33:52There must be an app.
33:54Yeah.
33:58The nicotine gum removal app.
34:00Very good.
34:01Very good.
34:02And I think I'm certainly going to approve of this as well.
34:04We ought to hear it from Mary Anderson.
34:06Ah, Mary Anderson.
34:07Do you know about Mary Anderson?
34:08I do, Mary Anderson.
34:09Tell me about her.
34:09Yeah, she invented the windscreen wiper.
34:11Yeah, absolutely.
34:12You are a phantom.
34:13Well, what I love about that is that it had to be a woman who invented the windscreen wiper
34:17because up until then men have been going, don't be silly dear, I can see perfectly well.
34:23Of course it was a woman who invented the windscreen wiper.
34:24Well, unfortunately, yes, she noticed tram drivers, streetcar drivers having to stop every now and move snow away
34:29and she invented it in 1903 and really there just weren't enough cars.
34:33And by the time it was useful, her patent had elapsed.
34:37So she made not a cent from it.
34:39Well, it's the same as Dorothy Levitt who invented the rearview mirror.
34:42So women enabled you to see where you were going and where you'd been.
34:45Oh, they did it to do their lipstick.
34:47Come on.
34:50Dorothy Levitt recommended that you take your compact mirror and place it on the dash so that you could see
34:54behind you.
34:55And she was the person who invented the rearview mirror.
34:56But again, she didn't make any money out of it because there was no patent.
35:00Oh.
35:00Well, I'm very impressed you knew about Mary Anderson.
35:03And we should indeed pay, you know, due courtesy to it.
35:06Anyway, you know how they used to have men with red flags walking in front of cars?
35:10Well, yes.
35:11Yes.
35:12I've heard of something.
35:12I don't remember it.
35:13Oh!
35:17What a trick.
35:18Because they never did.
35:20They're not?
35:20They never did.
35:21No.
35:21They had a red flag act, which was a little bit earlier.
35:25And it meant if you were in a steam...
35:27See, it tricks you now.
35:28It does just feel like it's a question.
35:30A steam bus.
35:31It feels like it's in the car.
35:31I know.
35:32No.
35:32It was a trap.
35:33It was a wicked trap.
35:34I'm very ashamed of myself.
35:35So nobody ever had to follow a car?
35:37No.
35:37I've seen a drawing of somebody doing it.
35:39The red flag act...
35:40And red flags aren't necessarily real.
35:41I saw a drawing of a unicorn once.
35:42Yes.
35:45The red flag act of 1865 required men known as stalkers to walk 60 yards in front of a vehicle.
35:5160 yards?
35:52Yes.
35:52Carrying a red flag.
35:54But it lasted...
35:55It's back there.
35:56It's coming.
35:56It lasted, yeah.
35:57It lasted in 1878.
35:59So it was only relevant to traction engines and steam buses.
36:02From 1878 to 1896 the flag was optional.
36:06And in 1896 it was abolished.
36:08And by then there were no more than 80 cars in the UK.
36:10So there was never a time when cars were preceded by red flags in the UK.
36:14There was never a time, yeah.
36:16But talking of useless inventions, what about the dry ear ear dryer?
36:20It's a machine to dry your ears.
36:23Okay.
36:24Drying your ears, it says, has never been simpler or more effective.
36:28The device blows hot air into your ear.
36:31Although the instructions advise you to dry your ears first with a towel.
36:38Is this a real invention?
36:41It's modern.
36:41All you need is a tube.
36:42Modern, yeah.
36:42You just need a tube.
36:43Yeah.
36:44Or a hair dryer would do the job.
36:46You don't even need that, Steven.
36:47You just need a tube.
36:48But most people have hair dryers.
36:50Yeah, but a tube.
36:50Just a tube.
36:51A tube would do it.
36:52You're right.
36:53You're right.
36:53Have you ever invented something that's already invented?
36:56I've done that a few times.
36:57Have you?
36:58I invented the bike once.
37:00And I saw someone on a unicycle and genuinely went, that'd be brilliant with two wheels.
37:06I also invented glasses as well when I was at school.
37:09Really?
37:09Yeah, I was doing some geography and so I had the mapper and a ruler and a pencil and
37:14I had to have a magnifying glass and I couldn't do all three at the same time and I was
37:18thinking,
37:18I think it would be really good.
37:19It's some sort of magnifying device but like attached to your face.
37:25Genual eureka moment and I thought, oh no, that's glasses in it.
37:27Yeah.
37:29All right.
37:30Anyway, so here's a marvellous question.
37:32What was wrong with the first sound recording device?
37:36Didn't have any speakers.
37:38Well, it was that it recorded sound perfectly well.
37:41But you couldn't play it back?
37:42Yes.
37:42You couldn't play it back.
37:43What happened is a man called Martin Val, he was a Frenchman, he used burnt soot and it registered
37:48sound waves on it.
37:50They sort of scratched it out, didn't they?
37:51Recently, it was reverse engineered and engineers managed to get the sound back of him singing
37:57Eau Claire de Lune.
37:58Is that the thing they played on Radio 4 and Charlotte Green cried with laughter?
38:01Charlotte Green.
38:02Would you like to hear that moment?
38:04I do know.
38:04It was one of my favourite moments of all time.
38:05Because unfortunately, she had to announce the death of Abbey Mann and she couldn't help
38:08corpsing, bless her.
38:10So you want to listen to this because you'll hear the oldest ever sound recording plus the
38:14unfortunate event that followed.
38:15American historians have discovered what they think is the earliest recording of the human
38:20voice, made on a device which scratched sound waves onto paper blackened by smoke.
38:26It was made in 1860, 17 years before Thomas Edison first demonstrated the gramophone and featured
38:33an excerpt from a French song, Eau Claire de la Lune.
38:47The award-winning screenwriter Abbey Mann has died at the age of 80.
38:52He won an Academy Award in 1961 for judgment at Nuremberg.
39:05A film which featured a police detective, a character on whom a long-running TV series
39:20was eventually based.
39:23Charlotte Green's great contribution.
39:25There's somebody in the corner of the room going...
39:29We haven't got it.
39:30We haven't got it.
39:30We're going to have to go with the item anyway.
39:32I'll do it.
39:33I'll do it.
39:33I know what it sounds like.
39:38They'll never know.
39:38They'll never know.
39:40Don't laugh.
39:44So this one, you could record into it, but then nobody could hear it.
39:47Yes.
39:48Could we not just get that for, like, Jedward?
39:53They have a lovely day out.
39:54That's fine.
39:55Everything would be perfect.
39:57Nobody has to suffer.
39:57You're right.
39:58You're absolutely right.
39:59OK, so now we're going to go for a jolly jape.
40:01And I have an extraordinary pendulum swing that my friends here are going to bring on.
40:06And I'm going to show you a remarkable action.
40:09It's handmade by our chief science elf, Will Bowen, who's a bit of a genius.
40:14And it's an effect that was first noted by Galileo.
40:16That's how old it is.
40:17But you don't see many of these.
40:19And I think it would make a great executive toy.
40:21So I'm going to lay this down here and push it and let go.
40:25And it will start to go.
40:26And it's rather beautiful.
40:27Look at that.
40:27Isn't that lovely?
40:28I'm sorry.
40:28But it's better than that because then it starts to get a bit ordinary.
40:34And then it starts to move into a different sort of rhythm.
40:38And then they start to get in step, like that.
40:41Ooh, look at that.
40:42They're starting to move together again.
40:44But then something really amazing happens as well, which is they go back into their wave formation,
40:51which is about to happen.
40:52It's a whole long process.
40:53But it's utterly predictable.
40:56And it follows very specific laws of physics.
40:59And here it goes back into its waves again.
41:04Look at that.
41:06I think that's pretty amazing, isn't it?
41:13And it will carry on doing that, as you see.
41:15It will carry on going through those cycles behind us.
41:18And it's a principle, as I say, that Galileo worked out.
41:21The central bob makes 60 swings in a minute.
41:24The one to its left is 59 in 60 seconds, and so on.
41:27It means after one minute, they're all back to where they started.
41:30It doesn't matter how far you push a pendulum,
41:32it still takes the same amount of time to swing from one side to the other.
41:35And it's using that that makes it go in and out of sync in these different ways.
41:39There it is.
41:40It's the Galileo pendulum.
41:41And wouldn't it make a great executive toy?
41:43Well, that's all the inventions we've got time for this week, except, of course, for the scores.
41:48And believe me, these are not invented, much as though people may believe it.
41:51The scores are rigorously and scientifically worked out.
41:54And in first place, with an extraordinary plus 13, is Sandy Toksvig!
42:00Wow!
42:04And only ten points behind in second place, with plus three, Jeremy Clarkson!
42:11I don't like that one.
42:15And very impressive, from Jason Manfield, with plus two!
42:19Wow!
42:20I don't know how it's going on.
42:21I don't know how it's going on.
42:22I don't know how it's going on.
42:23Oh, I'm afraid, um, at the smallest swing of the pendulum,
42:28minus eight, Alan Davis!
42:39And that's all from Jason, Jeremy, Sandy, Alan and me.
42:44Thank you, be extremely kind to each other forever, and good night.
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