- 1 day ago
First broadcast 5th October 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
David Mitchell
Sue Perkins
Katy Brand
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
David Mitchell
Sue Perkins
Katy Brand
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
00:04And dare I say again, good evening and welcome to QI,
00:09which tonight features Jack and Jill and indeed John, James,
00:14Johannes or anybody else whose name begins with J.
00:17Let's meet every man Jack of them.
00:19Jack the Lad, Sue Perkins.
00:25Jack the Giant Killer, Katie Brand.
00:32Mad Jack McMad, winner of last year's Mr. Madman competition, David Mitchell.
00:42And someone who doesn't know Jack, it's Alan Davies.
00:50So, buzzer-wise, let's hear it for the girls.
00:54Katie goes...
00:55Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene.
01:00Oh, I worship that woman.
01:02Sue goes...
01:03Ging, Ging, egg, moves on his back.
01:05Yeah.
01:06Ging, Ging, egg.
01:07I'll give it that.
01:08Good.
01:09David goes...
01:10Jennifer.
01:11She has a place.
01:13Oh, and Alan goes...
01:20Oh, now do you know.
01:22That's the theme.
01:24For Top Gear.
01:25Top Gear.
01:26And what's the name of that piece of music?
01:29It's hard to think that the most testosterone-driven program in television history is introduced by Jessica.
01:36That's the name of that song.
01:38It's Jessica.
01:40By the Allman Brothers.
01:41And that's the most interesting fact in the world.
01:44So, don't forget, we're looking for names beginning with J.
01:48Who dies if they don't have sex for a year?
01:51Oh.
01:52Is it Russell Brand?
02:00Good night.
02:02Bye-bye.
02:03I feel like you were there before you see it.
02:05Yeah, you were.
02:05It so doesn't begin with a J.
02:08Joe Brand does, but she may...
02:09No, it was two years before Joe Brand died.
02:11Yeah, exactly.
02:14I suspect it's not a human.
02:17Correctly correcting to...
02:18It's something...
02:19It is from the...
02:20I actually conducted an experiment many years ago to see if you could survive a year or a year.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:27And I'm happy to tell you that, yes, you can.
02:30LAUGHTER
02:30I was worried your experiment was going to be that you'd had sex with a variety of animals.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:35It wasn't clear to me that it was you.
02:38It sounded to me like you had someone in a room locked up for a year just to see if
02:43they would die without sex.
02:44They were the controls.
02:46LAUGHTER
02:46Well, you were freely roaming.
02:48Yes.
02:49And as it turned out, neither has had sex.
02:51Could you not have saved each other by having sex with one another?
02:54I think if you put someone in a room and then you have sex with them, that's a crime.
02:58LAUGHTER
03:00So it's an animal and it's going to begin with a J?
03:03Well, yes.
03:04Though the species of animal doesn't begin with a J.
03:06Right.
03:06It's just the particular gender begins with a J.
03:09It's a furry mammal, often cat as a pet.
03:11Okay.
03:11And the male...
03:13Rabbit.
03:13Cow.
03:14Guinea pig.
03:16Cat.
03:16You would know with the...
03:17Guinea pig.
03:18Is it a ferret?
03:20A ferret.
03:20A ferret.
03:21Now what's a male ferret called?
03:22Geoff.
03:25He might be.
03:27Actually, they begin with H.
03:28They're called a hob.
03:29A hob?
03:30But a female is called a...
03:32Is it a Jenny?
03:32Not a Jenny, but it might as well be almost.
03:34A Julia.
03:35Jennifer.
03:35No.
03:36A June.
03:37Judy.
03:38A Jennifer.
03:39Julie.
03:39Julie.
03:41That would be so pleasing.
03:43Jane.
03:43No, it's a Jill.
03:45How do we not get...
03:46Jill!
03:46A hob and a Jill.
03:47Who knows why these...
03:48A hob and a Jill.
03:49Yeah, these are medieval assignations.
03:51It's extraordinary.
03:52It sounds like a dance.
03:53And what happens on...
03:54Is it literally on day 365, they just explode?
03:57Well, in...
03:59It was an eight year!
04:01Come on!
04:02In mids...
04:03In midsummer, they become oestrus.
04:06They're on heat.
04:08The poor Jill, the poor female ferret.
04:10Jill ferret.
04:10Jill ferret.
04:11Yeah.
04:12And if she doesn't have sex, she carries on producing oestrogen.
04:14She gets aplastic anemia and dies.
04:17So she basically boils to death of heat?
04:19Yeah, kind of.
04:20I mean, so what do you have to do if you have a pet female ferret is either...
04:24Shag it.
04:24Shag it.
04:24Shag it.
04:25Yes, I was just saying.
04:26Shag it.
04:28Shag it.
04:29It will be the ultimate second.
04:33Find a hob for her.
04:35Find a hob for you.
04:36And then cook her on.
04:37Cook it.
04:38Sorry.
04:38You carry these injections.
04:40You can give injections.
04:41It's easier to have sex with them, really.
04:43It's going to take away some of the pride in the conquest from the male ferret.
04:47You know, towards the end of the summer.
04:50The male ferret is very ferocious.
04:52They have a hooked penis.
04:53Yes.
04:53Do they have a bone in there?
04:55They don't like a badger.
04:56It's a good thing.
04:57It's a hook, really.
04:58So it's up to the male then to unhook himself when he's satisfied.
05:01He also bites the back of the neck of the female.
05:04Sounds like fun.
05:04He sounds like Russell Brand.
05:06Yeah.
05:07There you go, most points.
05:09Cut me along.
05:10So, yeah, there's your ferret.
05:12And it comes from the Latin ferruta, which means...
05:15Have sex with me or die.
05:18It means, actually, little thief.
05:21Oh, yeah.
05:21They're always nicking things.
05:23That ferret looks very sweet there and doesn't look like the sort of ferret that would book you with a
05:29bone in its penis.
05:30But that's how they get you in, isn't it?
05:32By the back of your neck, exactly.
05:33Well, they get you with the eyes, the soft eyes.
05:35Yeah, they look so vulnerable.
05:35Then comes the boomerang cock.
05:41The flatworms fight with their penises like swords.
05:44Really?
05:45And the one that loses gets, um, stabbed and becomes a girl.
05:50Really?
05:51Sister.
05:51So they do these fights.
05:52They both got penises.
05:53Fight, fight, fight, fight.
05:54Ah!
05:54And it's like fencing.
05:55But when the rapier goes in, it becomes a lady and has to give birth.
05:58But that's, like, that's win-win for the victorious one because they win and then they get to have a
06:05shag.
06:05Yeah.
06:05With the newly formed female.
06:08With the loser, gets hurt and then suddenly develops breasts.
06:10And violates.
06:11Feels violated and then has a baby.
06:14Let's not get all women's lib about this.
06:16Let's leave that.
06:19Anyway, um, what made Mad Jack so mad?
06:23Something he ate, I expect.
06:27Has he been on holiday?
06:28That's a Mad Jack, that's a very familiar.
06:30People are always eating things.
06:32Oh, there's stuff in paint, that makes you mad, doesn't it?
06:34But there's, no, it's really, where's the phrase Mad Jack come from?
06:37The original Mad Jack.
06:39The original Mad Jack, they go back quite a long way.
06:41It's basically applied to anybody, whether they're named John or Jack or not.
06:45They're just called Mad Jack.
06:46Who was the first Mad Jack?
06:48Very hard to trace, very hard to trace.
06:50There was Mad Jack Mitten, who was a very eccentric aristocrat,
06:54who paid £10 to the thousand of the constituents of Shrewsbury for their vote,
07:00which is the equivalent of £750,000 in today's money.
07:04That was in 1819, and he was elected to be the member for Shrewsbury.
07:08That's it.
07:10Sounds broadly similar to our current system.
07:12Yes, it does, doesn't it?
07:13And also similar to our current system is he found debating incredibly boring.
07:17He only attended one session of Parliament for 30 minutes,
07:20having paid £750,000 for the privilege,
07:24and stood down in the next year, 1820.
07:27It's a hobby.
07:28If you're an aristocrat, you're eccentric, aren't you?
07:30But...
07:30If you're poor, you're just mad.
07:32You're just mad, you're a loony.
07:33No, that is...
07:33An asylum, basically.
07:34Though he did end his days in a debtor's prison.
07:36He lost all his money.
07:40He used to...
07:40He once set fire to his nightshirt to cure his hiccups.
07:46That would probably work, but it's not actually a shock, is it?
07:49No, it's not.
07:49If you can get someone else to do it at some moment
07:52and you're not expecting it, then that's a shock.
07:55Very disappointing.
07:56Although then you could end up in a sort of Cluso-Cato scenario
07:59where it's impossible to explain to someone
08:01that it's no longer necessary for them to find a moment
08:03to set fire to your pyjamas.
08:05He'd wake up in the Burns unit and go,
08:07Oh!
08:08Oh!
08:09Oh!
08:11He...
08:11Oh!
08:13He...
08:15He also liked to get up in the middle of the night
08:16and shoot ducks while he was naked.
08:19In that naked duck shooting.
08:20Is there any reason for the nudity?
08:22He probably thought they're naked, why shouldn't I be?
08:25Is it wrong to be sort of starting to slightly fall in love with this man?
08:29I know what you mean.
08:30I know what you mean.
08:31You might fall in love with Charles Howard who was the 20th Earl of Suffolk
08:35and during the war he went into Nazi-occupied Paris
08:39and he rescued $10 million worth of industrial diamonds
08:45and all the heavy water that the Germans had.
08:48But he also managed to bring back 50 nuclear scientists from Paris.
08:53This is all during the time the Nazis were occupying.
08:56So he was described by Harold Macmillan as a kind of cross between Francis Drake
08:59and the Scarlet Pimpernel.
09:00He was a very brave man and he then trained himself to be able to defuse bombs
09:04and had his own bomb disposal unit which was his secretary Eileen
09:08and his chauffeur Fred.
09:11You think he trained himself? That's quite hardcore.
09:14Yeah, well, it's quite hardcore.
09:15There's only one way to go if you get it wrong.
09:17Yeah, well he did unfortunately get it wrong.
09:18I think it's 35th bomb, age 34 or 5 or something.
09:22So he was a good mad Jack.
09:24There was mad Jack Churchill as well in the Second World War
09:27and he was the only soldier known to have gone into battle in the Second World War
09:32armed with what weapon of choice? Teapot.
09:37A dessert spoon?
09:38He was very cosy, tea cosy.
09:39Tea cosy.
09:40A cheese slicer.
09:42A bow and arrow.
09:43Did he know what decade or even what century he was?
09:46He was a gallant, chivalrous man.
09:48Marvelous stuff!
09:49And also he would have a sword on the battlefield.
09:53That's even stupider, isn't it?
09:54Because if you've got a bow and arrow you can't use a sword at the same time.
09:58Really?
09:58He thought that no gentleman was properly dressed for battle unless they had a sword.
10:02And he also said that if you smile at the enemy they're less likely to shoot you.
10:07I wonder how he died.
10:11No, he was taken prisoner, in fact.
10:13He's so charming.
10:15A devastating man with a lovely smile.
10:18He was actually housed at Sachsenhausen, which was the VIP prison camp
10:23because the Germans mistakenly thought he was related to Winston Churchill,
10:26which he wasn't.
10:27Mad Jack Churchill.
10:28Anyway, Mad Jack Churchill didn't die until 1996,
10:32so he had a more fortunate life than Charles Howard, 20th Earl of Suffolk.
10:36There's a load of jacks.
10:38But how did Queen Jenga arrange her harem?
10:42What happened in that?
10:44What happened in that?
10:45Three rows that way, and then three rows...
10:47Oh, well, you did that soon.
10:51What were you?
10:52You've been so kind.
10:53She was quite a piece of work, Queen Jenga.
10:55Bow and arrow and sword.
10:57And sword, exactly.
11:00He didn't think of the bells, though.
11:02No, the bells.
11:03That would have clinched it for him.
11:04That really would have been a good...
11:05That's just to make people look up.
11:06Ding, ding, ding.
11:09She was a 17th century member of the royal family of...
11:13Well, she killed her brother, who was called Ngola,
11:15after which the country Angola is named.
11:18Supposedly her nephew as well, an 80s heart.
11:22And she liked men to fight each other to death,
11:26and the winner would sleep with her for the night
11:28and then be killed in the morning.
11:31What was the incentive to then enter the competition?
11:34Well, you're killed either way, so you're killed and get a shag,
11:37or you're killed...
11:38Well, what kind of shag would you have
11:41when you know at the end of it you're going to get murdered?
11:43I mean, that is one tenths coitus.
11:45I think Mr. Tiggy would probably be a bit bit shrivel-y, wouldn't it?
11:51Yes, Mr. Tiggy was.
11:54Is that not a universal name?
11:58Oh, my goodness.
12:00Oh, too much Mr. Tiggy information.
12:04There must be the promise of a reprieve.
12:06Why don't you think if you were really, really good?
12:09You would really please me?
12:10I will not kill you with my bells.
12:13Or my sword or my big bag.
12:16What's the bell for?
12:17Is that to just give somebody tinnitus before they're eviscerated or something?
12:21Rune service.
12:22She was not a...
12:24She was not a...
12:25She was not a...
12:27She was not a kindly soul, it must be said.
12:29But what of the game, Jenga?
12:31What do we know of its origins?
12:33I want to say Scandinavian something.
12:35Is it Scandinavian?
12:35It does mean something.
12:37It's a Swahili word.
12:38Oh, Swahili.
12:38So it is African.
12:39In fact, it's from the...
12:40So he didn't want it.
12:41Himba!
12:44Actually, the reverse.
12:45It's the Swahili for to build.
12:47Oh.
12:47And it was invented by a woman called Leslie Scott.
12:50And she's still with us, I think.
12:51So it is pretty recent.
12:53You can always get giant versions of it.
12:54We had a giant one and we thought it would be a great thing to have at a party with
12:58lots of toddlers around.
12:59But actually, three or four of them got quite severely injured.
13:03What?
13:04Yeah.
13:04Because you build them up and you say, oh, the kid's all done like that.
13:07And you wander off and have a glass of Pimms and suddenly there's sort of jumping.
13:11Blood everywhere.
13:12Yeah.
13:14Slaughter.
13:15Infanticide.
13:16There's one underneath a lot of...
13:19Where's Timmy?
13:20I don't know.
13:20He's under the Jenga.
13:22That's an extremely middle class form of neglect.
13:25Yes.
13:27Crushed by the Jenga.
13:30I've never liked Jenga.
13:32Yes.
13:32Why does it have to be plain wood?
13:33It makes it look like it was invented at the time of Boudicca.
13:36Yeah.
13:37Make it...
13:37It could be colourful wood.
13:39There are versions with coloured wood.
13:40There are adult truth or dare versions.
13:43There are rolling dice versions.
13:44People have tried all kinds of variations.
13:47Yeah.
13:47What about a Lego version?
13:49And then, you know...
13:52You try and get one out.
13:54It would not be easy.
13:55You try and get one out.
13:56You could play it with cement.
13:57Yes.
13:58You're just building a house.
14:00It's just construction.
14:01The old bath.
14:04Well, the only limit is your imagination.
14:08Surely that's not Jenga's slogan, is it?
14:12There are severe limits.
14:15Even my limited imagination.
14:18I think their slogan is, this summer.
14:22Logs will fall.
14:24Are the children safe?
14:26How many...
14:26How many...
14:27How many...
14:28Oh, my God, yeah, it's like the sort of borrowers in there.
14:32How many pieces are there?
14:3490.
14:35Too many.
14:35What?
14:3690.
14:37No, it's got to be enough that it's divisible by three.
14:40200?
14:40Well, 90 is enough.
14:54That's nice to hear.
14:56That's my own petard.
14:57Are they not 19, then?
14:58No, they're not.
14:59They're 54.
15:00In fact, it's 18.
15:01A triple 18?
15:02Yes.
15:03No, 54.
15:0454 are also divisible by three.
15:06Is it?
15:06Yes.
15:07You can tell whether a number is divisible by three.
15:09If you add up, like 54, you add the five and the four.
15:11And if that's divisible by three, the number is divisible by three.
15:14Ah.
15:15That's very true.
15:15Where were you when I was seven?
15:16Yeah.
15:18If it's divisible by nine, you add up the numbers and they add up to nine.
15:2281, 72.
15:23Oh, my God.
15:2454 again.
15:25Does it work over a hundred?
15:27Yeah.
15:27All is that?
15:28Nines are freakish.
15:29They're fantastic.
15:30Can't be.
15:31Well, you add on the digits, yeah, until you come to a single hundred.
15:33108, 117, 126, 135, 144.
15:37Yep.
15:37153.
15:38All working.
15:39162.
15:40How long have we got?
15:41Yeah.
15:42It's lost me, I'm afraid.
15:44180, yeah.
15:44It is amazing, isn't it?
15:46It's really just cool.
15:47Wow.
15:48Maybe God's up to 180.
15:50And then 189.
15:52Yeah.
15:52That is 17 plus one, which is 18, and eight and one is nine.
15:56Oh, you get that?
15:57Oh, you get that?
15:58Still keeps it down to nine.
16:00That's right.
16:00Until you get it down to a single number.
16:02Oh.
16:02I don't want to cry or wet myself at a time.
16:05I'm going to do both.
16:06I always do both.
16:07I always do both.
16:08Exciting news.
16:12Describe the best ever game of Royal Hide and Seek.
16:16Well, I presume Hampton Court mazes involved.
16:19Well, no, actually, that's just sort of giving an example.
16:23Oh, no.
16:23Up the tree.
16:25The Royal Oak.
16:26That was pretty good.
16:27That was, I mean, he hid.
16:28The prince is in the tower, and they hid so well.
16:31It was hundreds of years, and then they were skeletons.
16:34Is it any game of hide and seek in which you never find Prince Edward again?
16:38No.
16:39No, so we're in the world of J's.
16:42Now, the Civil War.
16:44Charles I.
16:45John.
16:45No, Charles I had two sons.
16:47Is it James?
16:47It was Charles, who became Charles II.
16:49And James.
16:50And James, who became?
16:51James I.
16:51First.
16:52No, James II.
16:53It made sense, because the second was their surname, and they were brothers.
16:58That's what, yeah.
17:00Yeah.
17:00Yeah, so is it like the boys from the band Blue?
17:02There's Duncan from Blue, and there's Simon from Blue, and they're all related to Charles.
17:05Yeah, yeah.
17:06Well, James was imprisoned at St. James's Palace, named not after him, but the Saint.
17:12Oh, an ordeal.
17:13Yeah.
17:14No.
17:14He used to play hide and seek, and he was so good at it that the servants would spend hours
17:19looking
17:20looking for him, and they wouldn't look for him at all.
17:23He'd be hiding, and then he'd go and have lunch.
17:26Oh, look at that.
17:26It's hide and seek, yeah.
17:28It's hide and seek.
17:28Oh, should I find you, sir?
17:30It was all part of his plan, because one day, he managed to get hold of the Gardener's
17:35Quay, and while playing hide and seek, he actually escaped from the palace, and met up
17:39with Colonel Blamsted, or some similar name of it, who was a royalist, as he would be if
17:44he were called Blamsted.
17:45Blamsted!
17:46Oh, Blamsted!
17:47Blamsted!
17:48And he escaped to Holland, where he lived a happy life.
17:52It was actually Bamfield, not Blamsted, but still Bamfield.
17:55Yeah.
17:56He was clearly a royalist.
17:57So are you saying the hide and seek prowess was sort of all part of the strategy, or that
18:02was just a happy...
18:02Yeah, preparing himself for an escape.
18:04Oh, I see.
18:05At the age of 12.
18:05Like the Shawshank Redemption.
18:06Yeah.
18:07Except he was 12, which is quite impressive.
18:09He was 12?
18:09He was a 12-year-old boy, so it's quite impressive.
18:11He was only 12.
18:11He's brilliant.
18:11Yeah.
18:12Yeah.
18:12How did he come into contact with Major Blamsted?
18:15I guess secret messages were passed in some way, didn't he?
18:17He was going to be careful as a 12-year-old boy, running away and going off with a random
18:22colonel.
18:23To Amsterdam.
18:24I can't be sure if he might be a royalist or...
18:27He might not be.
18:28Especially to Amsterdam, yes.
18:30Yeah.
18:30You know, you're right.
18:31Come with me, it's going to be such fun.
18:33The irony is.
18:35No, really, I am seriously a colonel.
18:41The saddest, possibly the saddest story of hide and seek that you can think of, although
18:46it has a kind of happy ending, is Yu Wei, a Chinese pianist who was playing hide and seek,
18:51and he electrocuted himself, and so badly that he lost both his arms.
18:55So he learnt to play the piano with his toes.
18:58And in 2010, he won China's Got Talent.
19:04Which is rather pleasing.
19:06So he could play, and all of his toes work?
19:07All of his toes, they look like fingers.
19:09It's actually astonishing.
19:10It's really amazing.
19:11Are you sure he just hasn't got his head in the wrong place?
19:14He's got his hands, they're a pair of trousers.
19:19Look at my toes, look at my toes.
19:22I take my socks off.
19:26I play the piano with my toes, everyone.
19:29He's saying he's a man who can play the piano with his feet.
19:32He's a man with a penis that looks like a face.
19:36Still, he wins China's Got Talent.
19:38I'm sure Simon Carwell would have checked out these credentials in every respect.
19:45So, while on the subject of King James's, imagine that Jamie Oliver was to be crowned the next King of
19:51England.
19:51It's sort of not inconceivable in the strange world in which we live.
19:56President Oliver.
19:57What number James would he be?
19:59What would be his original number as the official?
20:01Well, it would be different in England from Scotland.
20:04No, there's just one UK, so it would be the same in both.
20:07But what would it be?
20:08I'm desperate to say James the third.
20:11Yes!
20:13No.
20:15No, because what happened was when Elizabeth was crowned 60 years ago,
20:20she was of course called Queen Elizabeth the second.
20:23But in Scotland there was a bit of an outcry.
20:26Because she wasn't the second Queen Elizabeth in Scotland, she was the first.
20:30They had married Queen of Scots when Elizabeth the first was on the throne.
20:35So, a few early E2R pillar boxes were trashed in Scotland.
20:40There was a big fuss.
20:42And Winston Churchill, who was Prime Minister in 1953, he sort of decided that they were...
20:47This is 350 years later.
20:48I know, people, long memories on these things.
20:51So, Churchill essentially laid down a convention whereby UK monarchs would be numbered uniformly according to either an English or
21:00Scottish reckoning, whichever was higher.
21:03So, James the first of England was James the sixth of Scotland.
21:08So, James the second was James the seventh.
21:11So, if there were another James, he would be called James the eighth.
21:14That would be the procedure.
21:15I worry when you say things like this that you're the only person who knows.
21:21I know.
21:23If Jamie Oliver did become king and you weren't around to tell them, they might get it wrong.
21:28Sweet.
21:29What are you gonna... you need to leave these things in a notebook somewhere.
21:32You need to get some tablets for you to...
21:35Princess Anne looks a lot like my daughter in that picture.
21:38This is quite disturbingly.
21:39Gosh!
21:40She's very young there, isn't she?
21:41I feel sorry for all the other finalists to be Queen.
21:54Yeah.
21:54There is also unresolved controversy over the naming of the QE2.
21:58Do you know what this might be?
22:00I've always wondered.
22:02I was never sure whether the QE2 was named after Queen Elizabeth the second or was the second ship called
22:08Queen Elizabeth.
22:09Yes.
22:09Because there's a Queen Mary 2.
22:11Exactly.
22:11It's the second vessel of the Cunard line to be called Queen Mary.
22:14And the opinion is divided, but a lot of people think it was literally just the second ship to be
22:19called Queen Elizabeth.
22:19But the Queen herself, when launching it, saying, I named the ship Queen Elizabeth the second.
22:24So Cunard had to rename it, basically, because she'd done it.
22:27I was once invited to the launching of a Swan Hellenic cruise liner.
22:32And they said, so you say your speech, and then you hand over to Dame Kiri Takanoa, who will do
22:38the launching.
22:38I said, oh, I'm not going to do the launching.
22:40They said, you can't launch a ship.
22:43So then you're a man.
22:44Hmm.
22:45Did you know that men can launch ships?
22:46Is that only women can launch ships?
22:48Yes, because it was ever said until someone launched the Lusitania and the Titanic and, you know, marine people are
22:54quite superstitious.
22:57And women moan about the glass ceiling.
23:00We can't even launch ships.
23:03We don't want top-level employment.
23:05We just want to smash a bottle of champagne against a ship.
23:07Everyone wants to launch ships.
23:09It's the best job.
23:11It's just that.
23:12Yeah.
23:13You've got to say, I named this ship.
23:15Yeah.
23:16Barry.
23:16Barry.
23:18Smash.
23:19So, yeah, there is indeed controversy.
23:21Opinion is divided.
23:23How does the Siberian Jay stick his nuts to a tree?
23:30Snot.
23:31It's not snot.
23:31It's not snot.
23:32It's not snot.
23:32It's so...
23:33Beak mucus.
23:33Saliva.
23:34Tears.
23:35Uses saliva.
23:36Tears.
23:37Did you know?
23:37Oh, it's so cold here.
23:39Thank God my nuts have stuck.
23:4390% of all the oaks in Britain are germinated, as it were, by the European Jay.
23:51They collect over a billion a year and bury them in the ground.
23:57They can have nine in their gullet and one in their beak.
24:00Is it from whole acorns or is it because they've eaten them and then...
24:03Well, they hold them in their gullet and then they bury them in the same way that squirrels do with
24:06nuts and so on.
24:06But anyway, the point is the Siberian Jay lives in a very cold climate of course and it's harder to
24:12bury things because of the impacted ice.
24:14And so it sticks the nuts it gets from its trees with its saliva to the tree itself.
24:19Does that mean you get trees growing off trees?
24:22It's like the sort of Jay...
24:23I can imagine after a night out it would be like the Siberian Jay version of a street of kebab
24:28shops.
24:30They could just fly down an avenue of trees just snacking on a snotty nut.
24:35Yeah, on a snotty nut.
24:36It's probably quite lucky, isn't it, that nothing germinates from a discarded kebab.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:44Our city centres would be even worse.
24:46These little disgusting saplings.
24:50Donner saplings.
24:51Donner meat.
24:52Oh, it's a very Doctor Who.
24:55Anyway, how did the first person to realise they were colour blind know they were colour blind?
25:01Did they say, oh, the red shoots of spring?
25:05LAUGHTER
25:06Someone would have corrected them.
25:08I'm giving a green light to a bull.
25:10LAUGHTER
25:12Well, do you know the name for the classic sort of colour blindness?
25:15And there was a guy who it was, a guy called John Dalton.
25:18That's right, that's right, John Dalton.
25:20Well done, points definitely.
25:22There he is.
25:22He was a very brilliant and precocious child from a Quaker family.
25:27And by the age of 12 he was supervising the school.
25:30But he made a rather drastic error given that he was Quaker and therefore from a rather pious family
25:35and he decided to buy his mother a pair of bloomers, or they weren't bloomers in those days,
25:40a sort of pair of stockings, for her birthday.
25:43And they were a vivid red and he thought they were blue.
25:46And she was shocked because red was the colour of the whole.
25:50Mm.
25:50And the buy your mother red pants was just not done.
25:54My mum was.
25:54And buying your mother pants is normal.
25:57LAUGHTER
25:58I agree.
25:59Red pants?
26:00That's weird.
26:02Yeah.
26:03But then the other thing is he noticed that his brother didn't tell the difference either.
26:06And so he made the connection which holds true, that there is a genetic disposition towards colourpline.
26:12But he's the first person to point out it's genetic because his brother also has the condition.
26:16But this is pre, obviously, genetic.
26:18Oh yes, not genetic, but family.
26:20Sort of related inheritance traits were understood.
26:24He actually thought the reason for it was that the liquid in the eye, which we all have,
26:28was tinted blue, which was making him see wrong.
26:32And when he died, he'd ordered that his eyeballs be dug out and squirted.
26:36And they instantly proved that they weren't tinted blue.
26:39We now know that it's a problem with the cones of the eye.
26:42So is there red-blue colour blindness? I thought it was just red-green.
26:45Red-green is, yes.
26:45But they see it as a kind of, I mean, I say they.
26:48I mean, there are lots of different types of colour blindness.
26:51And strangely enough, there are four top 20 billion snookers players,
26:55beg a pardon, Peter Ebden there, of course, who are colour blind.
26:58That's going to be awkward.
26:59And just occasionally, they have to ask the referee which port.
27:01Which is the table and which is the board.
27:03I don't know.
27:06I can't see anything.
27:07He's not there at all.
27:07Has he looked?
27:08All the reds are over there.
27:09He's ground his way into a world championship, so it's not done him any harm.
27:13You know the traffic police play snook?
27:15Do you know about that?
27:16They're bored in a lay-by.
27:18They first have to, they had to book a red car.
27:21And that's one point.
27:22So they just chase the red car, find something wrong with it.
27:25Go, you know, give them a fine because they've got that one real light missing.
27:28And then they can choose any colour.
27:30And at the first, they said they'd go for a black car for seven points.
27:33But, you know, blue car would be five points.
27:34And then we'd go back to a red until they've done 15 reds.
27:37Let's all get white cars.
27:40And then they can just fuck off.
27:42To be fair though, come on.
27:50I'd say worse things have been done in a lay-by than that.
27:55Horribly true.
27:57Horribly, horribly, horribly true.
27:59But yes, that was Dalton's problem.
28:01He's sure that his mother wasn't also colour-blind,
28:04but just didn't like being bought pants by her child.
28:07I think we're pretty certain about that.
28:09I think it was perhaps more normal to buy stockings, shall we say, for a lady.
28:13Just not, nothing.
28:14Just stockings and suspenders or something.
28:16Yeah, yeah.
28:16Something normal to buy your mother.
28:18A little thong.
28:20A French little tunic.
28:21Everyone likes their mother to look sexy.
28:25Sexy for blue, not red, because that makes her look a bit gory.
28:28That's going too far.
28:30David, Ann Summers vouchers again.
28:33A big drawer full of Ann Summers vouchers.
28:37So, what do you know...
28:39Another agent provocateur Christmas.
28:44What do you know of the colour-blind test cards?
28:49What are you seeing on the, can you...
28:51Number 74.
28:52Very, very clear.
28:53They're all done.
28:54Well, I can see it, but not very clearly.
28:57So, what does it mean they can't become...
28:59Pilots?
29:00Pilots.
29:00Well, no, ugly enough.
29:01Snooker players?
29:02No, no, of course not.
29:03We know that they could be well-checked.
29:05No, actually, it's a myth that you can't become a pilot if you're colour-blind.
29:08Only if you're very severely colour-blind.
29:10The worst kinds of colour-blindness that you're disallowed.
29:12The blue sky and the green...
29:14Yeah, or something like that.
29:16And the grey tarmac.
29:18The very worst kind of colour-blindness or blindness.
29:22Anyway, they're called the Ishihara tests devised by Shinobu Ishihara,
29:27who worked at the military medical school and was asked to screen military recruits
29:31for abnormalities for colour-vision.
29:33The first plate, that's an orange number 12.
29:36I'm sure you can see that.
29:37This was used in the army to weed out draught dodges,
29:40because if they pretended they couldn't see that it was a 12,
29:43they knew they were lying,
29:43because everyone who can see can see that that's a 12.
29:46There's no kind of colour-blindness that can mistake those two.
29:49So that was right.
29:50I was feeling proud of being able to see it.
29:54But don't despair if you're colour-blind.
29:56There is one advantage you might have.
29:57Can you think of what that would be?
30:01Ration books?
30:02No.
30:03No, you're less likely to be fooled by camouflage.
30:07Oh, yeah.
30:07Because the tamarind, the New World monkey that's colour-blind,
30:10and the tamarind is much, much better at eating insects
30:15that are disguised as leaves or twigs or whatever
30:18than other mammals or birds who eat insects,
30:20because they rely on colour more for identifying things.
30:23So colour-blind people were used often for spotting, you know...
30:27Ah, look, I can see the tank's covered in a drape there, for example.
30:31What begins with J and was used by the first man to row the Atlantic
30:33to attempt suicide?
30:36Jizz.
30:38Suicide by Jizz.
30:41Just on any level, I mean, it's crazy.
30:44Jill the ferret had just a sex star for 364 days.
30:49Attacked him.
30:50He did.
30:50In neurotic French.
30:51Yeah.
30:53Jellyfish.
30:53That's...
30:54That's something that can tell you that Javara in the sea.
30:56You're right.
30:57It's slightly confusing.
30:58This happened to be the first man to row the Atlantic single-handling.
31:01It wasn't while he was on the boat.
31:02No.
31:03He was very extraordinary.
31:04As a child, he nicked a pistol from his scout troop leader and fired at his fellow scouts
31:10and was expelled from the scouts of the movement.
31:12I've got a badge for it.
31:40Accuracy.
31:40He was in the jungle in South America that he despaired of his life and so he wanted
31:47to be killed by something beginning with J.
31:49Oh, is it a jaguar?
31:50Is the right answer.
31:52A jaguar.
31:53Exactly.
31:56So what did he do?
31:58Did he go out in a meat skirt and a meat helmet and just wait there in the middle of
32:02the
32:02jungle?
32:02Well, in a sense...
32:03No, he just wound them up all night, like teasing them and taunting them.
32:06You look a bit like a cougar.
32:07No-one could tell the difference.
32:09You've got a panther.
32:10Well, the only thing is he kept a gun by sight in case he changed his mind and as the
32:12jaguar attacked, he did change his mind and shot it dead.
32:16And then sold its skin.
32:17So it was a bit, frankly, unfair on the jaguar.
32:19So he didn't die?
32:19So he was just lying.
32:21Basically lying.
32:21But he really wanted to end his life so he went out and basically...
32:24Well, he had a gun!
32:25Aggravated.
32:25Yeah, I know.
32:26He also had a spear.
32:27I know.
32:27If you'd really meant to...
32:28I just don't believe this bloke.
32:29I'm sorry.
32:31I don't know how to kill myself.
32:33I'm going to wait here for a big cat to arrive.
32:36Sit here winding up jaguar for days.
32:38Yeah, he's just doing it for attention.
32:40Yes, I think so.
32:41The J part of it is that his name is John Fairfax.
32:45And if you look up who, you know, the first person to roll the Atlantic single-handed was,
32:48it was John.
32:49Johnny old John Fairfax.
32:50Fairfax.
32:51Yes, absolutely.
32:53Now, who's this?
32:54What are they doing?
32:56I thought it would be ten times as exciting as a swing boat at the fair, but it wasn't.
33:00There was no sensation, just a lot of noise and wind.
33:03My hair was blown into a tangled mess, which couldn't be combed out for days.
33:08The inventor of the hair dryer.
33:12Is it Brian May on the latest Thorpe Park ride?
33:17Well, we're with a transport experience, and this person was famous for their achievement in it, but the first time
33:23they tried it, they say they thought they found it horrible, noisy, windy.
33:26Amy Johnson?
33:27Amy Johnson is the right answer.
33:28Very good.
33:30It's the J.
33:30It's the J.
33:32It's the J.
33:33It's the J.
33:34It's the J.
33:34It's the J.
33:35And what was her great feat?
33:37She flew the Atlantic.
33:39Flea.
33:39Flew across America?
33:40No, she flew from...
33:42Flew to the moon?
33:43Oh, she flew from Britain to Australia.
33:45To Australia?
33:46It's a heck of a flight.
33:47Did she ever come back?
33:48Yes, she certainly did.
33:49And when she came back, she landed at what was then the sort of London Airport, which was Croydon Airport,
33:54and there were 200,000 people there to meet her.
33:57Are you kidding?
33:58No, it was a sensation of the age.
34:00Was there a car boot sale going on as well?
34:05She had a 12-mile parade through London.
34:07So she was describing when she first got into an aeroplane and first flew?
34:10She hated it.
34:11Absolutely hated it.
34:12But she stuck with it and became, obviously, incredibly good at it.
34:15So, yes, now then, talking of flight, I want you all to do a Jolly Jape now, which is make
34:20a dart, a paper dart.
34:22And see, the person who's going to throw it the furthest wins.
34:25Talk amongst yourselves.
34:27Yeah.
34:28The various kinds you could do.
34:29Just try the type you did at school.
34:31Oh, I've totally forgotten how to do this.
34:33And obviously, take your time as quickly as you can.
34:36The thing is, I'm going to make one in the way we used to make them at school, knowing full
34:39well that they didn't fly very well.
34:41Well, some people were good at it, and some people weren't.
34:44Let's see how well you're doing.
34:47Precision engineering.
34:49Oops.
34:50I've made a hat.
34:53I'm going to put little flaps on mine.
34:55Is that all right in a tail?
34:56I just had that idea.
34:58Yeah.
34:59You seem to be...
35:01David, have a go.
35:02As far as you can go.
35:04Yeah.
35:05Oh!
35:06Not bad.
35:08Not bad.
35:11Did you throw it?
35:12Or did you cast like a bowler?
35:14Yours is great.
35:15Look at that.
35:16Yours looks great.
35:17It looks very good.
35:20Whoa!
35:21There you go.
35:24It went up because of the flaps.
35:26Yeah.
35:26The flaps.
35:28Flaps gave it lift.
35:30Watch out in the background.
35:31This is going to be lethal.
35:33It's one of those stealth ones.
35:35You won't be able to see it.
35:36You won't be able to measure it.
35:37You can buy it from Wick.
35:38It's got our name on it.
35:40Oh!
35:47A suicide plane.
35:49That's impossible.
35:50Where's that far?
35:50I thought it was acrobatics.
35:53Sue, your chance for glory.
35:55I don't think it's going to happen.
36:03Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson,
36:05would you be surprised to know that the paper aeroplane
36:07that goes the furthest looks like this?
36:10Stop.
36:11Yeah, that's a bracelet.
36:12No.
36:12I know, it seems hardly credible.
36:15Excuse me, you just scrunch it up and down it.
36:19Unfortunately, not very good at throwing it.
36:21I've practised a bit.
36:23But the world record is 200 yards.
36:25No way.
36:26I'm not kidding.
36:27Straight down.
36:28You're supposed to give it a twist,
36:29and that's why I'm not good at it.
36:30I've never thrown an American football.
36:31That's what you've got to do is
36:32you do it in the style of an American football.
36:34Whoa!
36:36There you go.
36:37Not bad.
36:39I can't believe it.
36:40It really did, isn't it?
36:42Well, I'm not okay.
36:45That's not.
36:46It was invented by a man called Mark Forty,
36:49whose father worked for NASA.
36:50Oh, what a cheat.
36:52It's a short plastic,
36:54slightly weighted on the leading edge,
36:56and that's as simple as that.
36:58So you use sticky-back plastic,
36:59which some purists would say
37:02doesn't make it a proper aeroplane,
37:03because it has to be slightly heavy at the front.
37:05You would not imagine that was so aerodynamic a shape
37:08as a dart, which just to our eyes looks right, doesn't it?
37:11Is that the future of a passenger aeroplane?
37:14The future of darts.
37:14I thought you said ducks.
37:16They're going to evolve into kind of cylindrical,
37:19little beats at the top.
37:21Yeah, birds everywhere watching this programme,
37:23what have we been doing all this?
37:24All this?
37:25Just go like this.
37:26He's done that.
37:27He's done that.
37:30He's done that.
37:31He's just jumped.
37:32What?
37:32What are you doing?
37:35But we were saying earlier about Amy Johnson,
37:38almost gave up flying because it made such a mess of her hair.
37:42Can you remember who wrote the first dictionary in English?
37:45Oh, yes.
37:46Johnson.
37:47Johnson, Samuel Johnson.
37:48Samuel Johnson.
37:49Oh!
37:52I led you down the garden path and s-banked you.
37:55Balder it.
37:57Bee!
37:59Probably a bee, yes.
38:01Very good.
38:01We're going to have to write the whole dictionary tonight.
38:03Yeah.
38:05Dr Johnson's dictionary,
38:06which was written in the earlier part of the 18th century,
38:09was preceded by...
38:10Well, there was, um...
38:11Famously the first dictionary.
38:12There were lots, weren't there?
38:12There was a Richard Malchester in the 16th century
38:15who came up with the name football, in fact,
38:17and indeed invented refereeing and the idea of football teams.
38:21But he wrote elementary in 1582.
38:24He was the first to gather all the words which we use in our English tongue
38:27out of all professions as well learned as not into one dictionary.
38:31But he didn't give definitions.
38:33He just listed all the words that he thought there existed.
38:36But, um, in Robert Cordray's table alphabetical of 1604,
38:41um, not only listed words but gave definitions.
38:43So it was perhaps the first true dictionary in the sense that we know it.
38:47It listed around 3,000 hard words, as he called them, defining each one.
38:51So then Johnson's dictionary had how many entries?
38:54Is that around the time there were about a quarter million or 300,000 words?
38:58How many did he list?
38:5942.
39:00So, you were so close.
39:0142,000, wasn't it?
39:0442,000.
39:0542,773.
39:07But we've got some Johnson words that have gone out of use.
39:10And maybe you can imagine what they mean.
39:13Tongue pad.
39:14Tongue pad.
39:15Mouth friend.
39:16Mouth friend.
39:17Don't we all need a mouth friend?
39:20Sometimes we certainly do need a tongue pad and a mouth.
39:23Sometimes I like a frigorific.
39:26I hear you go.
39:28Frigorific.
39:28Yeah.
39:29We've all been frigorific in our time.
39:32A devil latte is, I think it's a single shot, isn't it?
39:36You can get those in.
39:36Oh, really?
39:39It's depucillate.
39:40Oh, that's what you do before a big date, isn't it?
39:45You can meet a mouth friend.
39:46Yes.
39:47You get a bit tongue pad.
39:48It's like the old shapesmith.
39:51Is it shapesmith?
39:52It's a rubbish blacksmith.
39:54No, a shapesmith is basically what we...
39:56I've done a thing.
40:01You've been to the shapesmith, yeah.
40:04Sort of looks like a doorknob.
40:05It's not a horse shoe, but it's horse jewellery.
40:09Like a horse cloth.
40:11A horse nipple cloth.
40:12They found it in Candon Market and sold all that crap.
40:15No, a shapesmith is actually what we would call a personal trainer.
40:17It's someone who gets you into shape and improves the shape of your body.
40:21It's a shapesmith.
40:21Time for that word to come back.
40:22Shapesmith, exactly.
40:23I'm going to see my shapesmith.
40:24My shapesmith.
40:26I hate that.
40:27A tongue pad is just a great talker, just someone who just natters all the time.
40:31A mouth friend is...
40:33No, someone who is a friend to your face, but is duplicitous.
40:37Oh, God, I know a few of those.
40:38Yeah, a few mouth friends.
40:40Pretends to be your friend.
40:40I know.
40:41To depucillate is to deflower, to bereave of virginity.
40:45It's not a bereave.
40:46It's not a bereave.
40:47It's not a bereave.
40:48Let's not see it as that.
40:51Frigarific sounds like something Del Boy might say.
40:54But what is...
40:55Actually, I suppose we would...
40:56It's probably rather badly spelled.
40:58We should pronounce...
40:59Yes, cold.
40:59Should pronounce it frigarific, probably.
41:01It just means causing cold.
41:03Something that's frigarific.
41:04Causes cold.
41:06Some of his definitions were just a little bit lazy.
41:08Sock.
41:09Something put between the foot and the shoe.
41:13He must have thought, though.
41:15Because, you know, previously diction...
41:17The one before you say had been of just a hard word.
41:20He must have just thought,
41:21Look, everyone knows what a sock is.
41:22If you can read, you'll know what a sock is.
41:24Yeah, if you've got this book and you don't know what a sock is,
41:26then I can't help you.
41:30Exactly.
41:31Oates was a famous one.
41:32I guess he said horrible things about the Scots in his one on oats, didn't he?
41:36He did.
41:36He said,
41:37A grain which in England is generally given to horses,
41:40but in Scotland supports the people.
41:45He describes to Worm to deprive a dog of something,
41:48nobody knows what,
41:49under his tongue,
41:49which is said to prevent him,
41:51nobody knows why,
41:52from running mad.
41:54It's just a very strange...
41:55What's a scientist, then?
41:56No, I think probably not.
41:59He's one of our greatest men of letters.
42:00Well, you've come to the amen,
42:03because it's time for the scores.
42:04So we've got time for,
42:05let's see who's hit the jackpot.
42:10Heeeeee...
42:13Well...
42:13Who's died?
42:15Who's died!
42:17I love someone who's died.
42:18I love someone who's died.
42:19It's Sue who's died in last place with minus 12.
42:24APPLAUSE
42:29It's a massive step up for Alan.
42:31Third place with minus seven.
42:35APPLAUSE
42:38And having been depucillated QI-wise,
42:42it's pretty impressive to break your virginity with minus three, Katie.
42:47APPLAUSE
42:52Our Math Friend of the Week,
42:53clear winner on plus five,
42:55is David Mitchell.
42:58APPLAUSE
43:04So, this is where we jack it all in
43:07and say that's all from Sue, David, Katie, Alan and me.
43:10Be excessively nice to each other.
43:11Good night.
43:11Who are looking for them?
43:12This was the first on a trillion Whites 6Labousseau.
43:12Thank you very much.
43:12Thank you very much.
43:12And for the 500 years,
43:12We put your 23,�를 in Irish.
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