- 2 days ago
First broadcast 11th January 2013.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rob Brydon
Julia Zemiro
Tim Vine
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rob Brydon
Julia Zemiro
Tim Vine
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:06Welcome to QI, where we're all feeling rather jolly.
00:11Here to tickle our ribs are four jolly good fellows.
00:14The jovial Rob Brydon.
00:20The jocular Tim Vine.
00:27Your jubilant Julia Zamiro.
00:34And, Jesus, it's Alan Davison.
00:43Ah, well, so if anyone wants to go beyond a joke tonight, they'll have to jingle their jangles.
00:47And Julia goes...
00:51Oh, it's an animal from my country.
00:54That's nice.
00:55Or bird?
00:55It is.
00:56A kookaburra.
00:57Well spotted.
00:57Tim goes...
01:01Oh, it's an animal from my country.
01:06And Rob goes...
01:10It's an animal from the country.
01:13And Alan goes...
01:21Wow.
01:23Fabulous.
01:24So, simple question.
01:25Who's happy?
01:29He's happy in the picture.
01:30Yep.
01:31Old men with young ladies.
01:33Oh, old ladies with young men.
01:34I was going to say...
01:35Why not?
01:35They may be garantophiles.
01:37Me, not me.
01:37Not you, no.
01:38Yeah.
01:39He's one of the dwarfs.
01:40That's true, as in the old joke.
01:42He's, yes, six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.
01:43I can't believe that hasn't flashed.
01:44They haven't got that on the klaxon.
01:45What?
01:46No, they haven't.
01:47This is a happy whose name is happy.
01:49Spelled H-A-P-I.
01:51Edwin Starr had a song, H-A-P-P-Y radio.
01:56Oh, really?
01:56Yeah.
01:57Anyway, continue.
01:58Oh, that's good, that's good.
01:59Good information.
02:00We love good information, Tim, here, as you know.
02:02We have to go back, back to a previous civilization.
02:05Is it?
02:05No.
02:06Aztec.
02:07Egyptian is right.
02:08Oh, get stuffed, I can't believe it.
02:12When you get the answer right, you don't have to insult me.
02:14No, I know.
02:15Accept your points gracefully.
02:17That picture there is actually the backdrop to a famous game show.
02:20I'll name that tomb in one.
02:25Very good.
02:26What sort of reaction is that?
02:29It's one I'm used to, yes.
02:30It's one I'm used to, yes.
02:31That's what you sphinx.
02:33Yeah.
02:35So, that is the god...
02:37The very unusual mind we have on this show.
02:39It is.
02:40This is a god called Happy, who was always representative of being faintly pot-bellied, and sort of hermaphroditic
02:46with breasts.
02:47Happy had breasts that was not considered female, and had a sort of harem of, um...
02:53Ladies.
02:53Men.
02:54No.
02:55Men.
02:56Castrati.
02:56Frogs.
02:57Frogs?
02:57Yeah.
02:59Frogs, Tim.
03:01Hang on.
03:02It'll be a pun in a minute.
03:04Do you think if the frogs in the harem really started to get it on with each other, and one
03:09of them whipped out a camcorder, would that be frogs porn?
03:12Oh!
03:12Oh!
03:15APPLAUSE
03:18You have malign influence.
03:25The worrying thing is I have actually done that joke in the past.
03:28It's too late now.
03:29It's too late.
03:30He's the thief of bad gags.
03:32The fact is, Happy was the god who was responsible for the flooding of the Nile, which is an annual
03:36event that took place in July, and was cause of much celebration.
03:40If you've ever been up or down the Nile, you will know that it's really just this great
03:44carving of green through a desert, which is all made fertile by this river.
03:49So it was, the whole civilisation was predicated on the flooding of the Nile, and Happy was
03:54the god who caused it.
03:55So, moving on.
03:57What's the jolliest, um, but frankly most dangerous thing you can buy in a joke shop?
04:05Tim.
04:06I went to a joke shop.
04:08I said, what are you actually selling here?
04:09He said, nothing, we're not a real shop.
04:11LAUGHTER
04:15Anyway, I've got some jokes here that give you an example.
04:18Here we are.
04:19And almost all of these were invented by one man who could be regarded as the father of
04:24the joke shop.
04:24Um, have some nuts, Tim.
04:27What happens when you open the nuts?
04:29Oh, no.
04:30I'm guessing.
04:30You're guessing.
04:31I'll blame this at Rob.
04:32Oh!
04:34Hours of laughter.
04:35Tim, that reminds me of last Saturday evening, in a long way.
04:40It's a man called Soren Sorenson Adams.
04:44He started life working for a coal tar derivative company, and coal tar derivatives have many
04:50uses, one of which was for a dye.
04:52And the particular dye that came from coal tar had the bizarre side effect of making people
04:56sneeze.
04:57So the company managed to isolate the ingredient that made people sneeze and took it out.
05:02And he happened to be passing, and he saw these great barrels of the stuff that made
05:05people sneeze.
05:06He thought, I'll have those.
05:07So he founded the Kachoo Sneezing Powder Company.
05:11And it was a huge, huge success.
05:13He sold $15,000 worth of Kachoo just in the first year, which was a vast sum in 1910, which
05:20is around the time we are.
05:21But, 25 years later, it was banned by the FDA for being toxic.
05:24Oh.
05:25But he had, meantime...
05:26After several deaths.
05:27Yes.
05:29In the meantime, he had invented the squirting lapel flower.
05:32Oh.
05:33I mean, that would fool anybody, wouldn't it?
05:35There you go.
05:36And a little ring.
05:38Oh, is that one of those?
05:39Yeah.
05:40Oh.
05:40Oh.
05:42Highly amusing.
05:43Help yourself to a dog turd.
05:45Whoops.
05:45There we are.
05:46The old ones used to be harder than plastic.
05:48That's squeaky.
05:49You're touching them.
05:49It's really quite unpleasant.
05:52Numerical.
05:53Oh.
05:54Oh, dear.
05:55Oh.
05:56That is horrible, isn't it?
05:58No!
06:01Even if that isn't a dog turd, that's a horrible thing.
06:08Oh.
06:10Oh, my God.
06:13Oh.
06:17Oh, my God.
06:25Oh.
06:32If you swallow that...
06:35This is a real one.
06:38And here's a, you can cut your finger off.
06:42Try this pen. Try writing something with a pen.
06:45Oh, this is going to be hilarious.
06:47Oh, dear.
06:59I'm really sorry. That is quite a severe allergic shock.
07:03Take your word for it.
07:05It's not insignificant, that one.
07:07That is barely a joke.
07:09It's not funny at all, Steven.
07:11I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
07:15That's really hurt.
07:18A bendy pencil.
07:19I don't want a bendy pencil.
07:21A joy buzzer.
07:23He sold three million of these during the depression.
07:27That's right.
07:27You put the sort of ring on your finger
07:29so it looks sort of normal.
07:31Can you buzz me?
07:32Yeah, you want to shake hands?
07:34Like that.
07:35It doesn't give you a shot.
07:36It's a bit of a let-down afternoon, see?
07:39He passed on...
07:40I say he passed on this, I don't mean...
07:43He thought this was too vulgar to sell.
07:45The standard whoopee cushion.
07:46You might want to blow that up.
07:48It's not Saren Lawrenson,
07:50who's the imaginary friend in the Charlie and Lola book.
07:52No, it's not.
07:54Soren, Sorenson Adams.
07:56It's quite difficult to...
07:57Is this a joke whoopee cushion you can't blow up?
08:00No, it's...
08:00It is difficult to get the sphincter open, isn't it?
08:03Whoa!
08:04Oh, there we go, that's right.
08:07And maybe while Alan isn't looking...
08:09Alan, lean over here for a second.
08:10That's it.
08:12That's it.
08:12Take the false egg, which is hilarious.
08:20That's possibly the least convincing whoopee cushion noise I've ever heard.
08:25Silent but deadly.
08:27It's strangely realistic.
08:29I just smothered it completely.
08:32Alan's wearing a whoopee cushion silencer on his jeans.
08:35Very sensible.
08:37The best one is the remote control pharmacy.
08:40Yeah, that is...
08:40Have you got one of those?
08:41I have, of course I have.
08:42Have you got one of those?
08:43How does it work?
08:44You've got to get one of those.
08:45They are marvellous.
08:46You just, your Christmas...
08:47Buried under the cushion near your arms or something.
08:49It's funny even if you just put it under your dog's basket,
08:51cos the dog's...
08:53The dog goes...
08:54I can take a picture and smile.
08:56No, God, what's going to happen now?
08:58Oh, it's basically water.
09:02Anyway, we can probably put away our little tray of fun new toys,
09:06having electrocuted Alan, which is the purpose of the evening.
09:09Maybe you could pass to your...
09:11How did you blow it up, then?
09:11Could you pass to your turd?
09:15Whoa!
09:17That's...
09:17I think if you over...
09:18Maybe.
09:19Here we go.
09:19Have a go.
09:22There we go.
09:29One of the reasons we've never had a round of applause from 600 people before.
09:33I read somewhere that this was the Intellectual Quiz Show and you can see why.
09:38One of the things I want to prepare you for is to see if you can, during the course of
09:44today's lesson,
09:45prepare in any spare moments you have a limerick for me.
09:48Sure.
09:48You know what a limerick is?
09:49Yes.
09:50Aside from being a county in Ireland.
09:52It's a town.
09:52Yes.
09:53There was an old man from limerick who was completely unaware of a short, often humorous
09:56poems that shared the same name as his hometown.
10:05Very, very good.
10:07Anyway, so give me a ready for that.
10:09We've got a quickie for you.
10:10What happens if you put someone's hand in a bowl of water while they're sleeping?
10:16They have a little whittle, don't they?
10:18Oh, no, they don't have a little whittle.
10:20They don't.
10:21No.
10:22It's a total myth.
10:23Total myth.
10:24Perpetuated by school children and others.
10:27All kinds of experiments have been done.
10:29That splendid program Mythbusters tried it.
10:31Zero wetting ensued.
10:33There's no reason why it should happen.
10:35It must have happened once.
10:36Well, by coincidence, possibly.
10:38And that coincidence was assumed to be causal and from that moment on the myth was born.
10:42You can try it at home.
10:44I'd recommend it.
10:45Your spouses and children.
10:46A bit like the one where if you wet yourself while you're driving, you crash the car.
10:53I would frankly...
10:54Does that not happen to everyone?
10:56If I crash the car, I think I would wet myself.
10:58It's the other way around, you see.
10:59See, that's what's interesting about the experiment.
11:01Yeah, it is, isn't it?
11:02What about when you fall asleep and you wake up and you've had half your eyebrows shaved off?
11:07Then you have bad friends.
11:08I do have hideous friends.
11:10Yeah, because that's the other thing that can happen.
11:12Yeah.
11:12It's all right.
11:13I'm over it.
11:14It's fine.
11:14You have your eyebrows shaved off.
11:15Yeah, you know.
11:16I so don't.
11:18Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes, oh, this will be even funnier.
11:20Put your hand in a bottle of thing and then vroom, vroom, you wake up and you look hideous.
11:25That's just vile.
11:28I'm Australian.
11:31Anyway, Sanson didn't sell whoopee cushions because he didn't think flatulence was amusing,
11:37so what is the most amusing thing to come out of a sewage plant?
11:43Look at that.
11:44Look at that.
11:44Oh, that's really...
11:45Disturbing, isn't it?
11:46Very unpleasant.
11:46And there are people in the background there bobbing along.
11:49Is that in the UK?
11:51Oh, that's the ocean.
11:52That's actually in Ghana.
11:53Ghana.
11:54Ghana.
11:54Ghana, so...
11:55Pooh jokes.
11:57Pooh jokes.
11:57Is that the funniest thing to come out of a sewerage?
11:59Crap jokes.
12:00Crap jokes?
12:01Yeah, really crap jokes.
12:02We're okay.
12:03Yeah.
12:04There is something that really does actually cause laughter that comes out.
12:06It comes out.
12:07Oh, okay, I know, I know, I know.
12:09It's a type of gas then, isn't it?
12:11Yes.
12:11It's to do with...
12:12It's the same gas.
12:12I've got it, Julia.
12:13It's the same gas, like what they might call a laughing gas.
12:17Yes.
12:17But here, rather than being in canisters, in a dentist's room perhaps, or in another medical establishment,
12:23perhaps here it's coming out as a natural by-product of the faeces, the waste, the fecal matter
12:29that's gushing forth in a liquidized form.
12:32Oh, absolutely right.
12:33So that's what it is.
12:34It is.
12:35Oh, I love it.
12:35Is it nitrous oxide?
12:37Nitrous oxide.
12:42I think I was even there.
12:45I'd accept that Rob did the work and you...
12:47No, but I got the answer right.
12:49Stephen, can I just say this?
12:51It's called nitrous oxide.
13:00It's called nitrous oxide.
13:05Nitrous oxide.
13:06Sulfuric acid.
13:08Yes.
13:09It's a very important greenhouse gas.
13:12N2O, nitrous oxide.
13:13In fact, it's 300 times more potent as a greenhouse gas than CO2.
13:18Its most significant man-made source is sewage treatment plants alongside agricultural waste
13:25and nitrogen fertilisers.
13:26It's also pumped into bags of crisps.
13:29Why would it be pumped into bags of crisps?
13:31They're all crisps baggers that are filled with gas, don't they, to keep them fresh?
13:34Exactly, it's to expel the oxygen.
13:36They also pump it with gas so that you think you're getting more chips than you actually are.
13:40Yeah.
13:40And they go, oh, it's only a third full ripped off.
13:43It's almost as if they want to make a profit out of you.
13:45Almost.
13:45It's really enormous.
13:47Yes, it was first used as a dental anaesthetic.
13:49I'll give you ten points if you're ten years either way right.
13:52I don't know what it was, but I did have a general anaesthetic quite recently, which I think is...
13:57Interesting.
13:58Interesting.
13:58Yeah.
13:59And it was the same one that killed Michael Jackson.
14:01Oh, good.
14:02Yeah.
14:02That's right.
14:04Good that you survived.
14:07Yeah.
14:08Propofol.
14:09Yeah, that was that one.
14:10That's what it was.
14:11It was propofol.
14:12Well done.
14:12So good on drugs.
14:13I was lying there and I said, is this the thing?
14:18It is an absolutely gorgeous feeling.
14:21It's a remarkable sensation, isn't it?
14:22Yeah.
14:23It goes in through your hand.
14:24That's right, the back there.
14:25And then the feel, I don't know, people have had it recently, but I mean, if he was using
14:30this to get to sleep, he was in a bad way.
14:33Because it goes zoom and you can feel it.
14:35And I said, but your head stays very, you know, awake.
14:38And I said to the anaesthetist, I said, wow.
14:41I said, my arms and my legs, they're like weights.
14:44They were being pulled into the bed.
14:45I said, but my head is completely...
14:49It's extraordinary.
14:50And the next second, you're going, oh, and you're waking up.
14:53It had been wheeled into the recovery.
14:54Can you imagine having to have that every night to get you off?
14:58It's just horrifying, isn't it?
14:59Horrifying.
14:59I used to go out with an anaesthetist.
15:01She was a local girl.
15:081920.
15:09No, it's a...
15:111930.
15:13No.
15:171878.
15:18No.
15:18Wow.
15:19Even earlier.
15:191820.
15:201844, yes, quite earlier.
15:22That early?
15:22Although it had been used before that as a recreational drug by, of course,
15:27who were the great recreational drug users.
15:29No, not...
15:31There weren't any rock musicians before the 1840s.
15:34There were, but you just didn't know about it.
15:37There were only...
15:38When was Byron alone?
15:39Ah, you were in the right area.
15:40We were in the area of Romantic.
15:41The Romantics.
15:42And who was the great opium eater, apart from Thomas De Quincey,
15:45of the Romantic poets?
15:47I'm going to take a stab at this, Stephen.
15:48Pam Ayres.
15:49No!
15:51Oh, God.
15:53The star of the country we're trying to...
15:55Could the audience please provide the answer?
15:57Casanova.
15:58Casanova.
16:00Casanova?
16:01Was it Shane?
16:01Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
16:04Of course it was.
16:05He wrote Kubla Khan while under the influence of opium.
16:08Did Xanadu, Kubla Khan...
16:10Did Kubla Khan a stately closure?
16:10Did Kubla Khan a stately closure?
16:11There's a dome decree.
16:12Of course he did.
16:12It's also that great musical with a Liv Newton charm.
16:16Indeed.
16:17And laughing gas, as you can see, was used as a recreational drug,
16:20and Coleridge was one of the ones to use it.
16:22In fact, he described the dreamy, sedated state.
16:25He said,
16:25The first time I inspired, I breathed in, the nitrous oxide,
16:29I felt a highly pleasurable sensation of warmth over my whole frame.
16:32The only motion which I felt inclined to make
16:34was that of laughing at those who were looking at me.
16:37So, there you can see, there's a satirical cartoon.
16:39She doesn't look very willing, though.
16:42She must be said is being forced into it.
16:45But the others have had it and are laughing.
16:47She's about to laugh, clearly.
16:49Looks like a giant whoopee cushion, actually.
16:50It does, actually.
16:52Man, the left's got tiny chicken legs.
16:54Like all lazy cartoonists, he's written laughing gas on it,
16:58so that you know what's going on.
16:59Is this the inspiration for the scene in Mary Poppins
17:01where they float to the ceiling?
17:02Maybe it is.
17:03The chapter of the book in Mary Poppins
17:05in which they all do rise to the ceiling is called Laughing Gas.
17:08There's a book?
17:09The book?
17:10The book?
17:13You!
17:15And you know who it's written by?
17:16No, I didn't even know there was a book.
17:17P.L. Travers.
17:18Is there?
17:19Yes.
17:19She's Australian.
17:20Yes.
17:21Did she adapt the film?
17:22Was it one of those novellas?
17:24No, she discerned the film completely.
17:26In fact, recently, they're making a film at the moment
17:28about the relationship between Walt Disney and P.L. Travers.
17:31And she absolutely loathed the film,
17:34which is crazy, because it's one of the greatest films ever made.
17:36Why?
17:36I thought it was super-
17:37It was super-
17:37Super-
17:38Flawless.
17:39Is there, in the book,
17:40is there a dark side to Mary Poppins?
17:43Yeah, there is.
17:44There's a kind of world of weird creatures and so on,
17:47and I don't know what her objection was to it.
17:49I thought it was absolutely magnificent.
17:51It is.
17:51So there you go.
17:52What would be the best flavour for an exploding sandwich?
17:57Tim Vine.
17:58Cheese and ham grenade.
18:04Very good.
18:06Very good.
18:08Excellent.
18:09I'm wrong, then.
18:10It's wrong.
18:11Well, I mean, it would explode, obviously.
18:13Sour kraut and cabbage can make you explode on a different level.
18:16It's so funny.
18:16In fact, this one would make you explode on that level, too.
18:18In fact, a classic English sandwich, as in the importance of being Ernest,
18:23one of the sandwiches that Ante Augusta particularly likes,
18:27she particularly likes cucumber sandwiches.
18:29But this is a very specific species of cucumber.
18:33There it is.
18:34You see, it's quite spiky.
18:35Exploding cucumber.
18:37There's the exploding cucumber, yes.
18:39It's the squirting or exploding cucumber.
18:41Come on.
18:41It's a Mediterranean plant.
18:42And when touched, it propels its seeds in a sticky mucus
18:46at over 60 miles per hour.
18:49You're pointing at wrong.
18:52I'm just saying, when that picture came up,
18:54we looked across at each other.
18:55We both went, oh, testicles.
18:57I mean, it's...
18:59Can we be very clear?
19:02I do not propel my seeds in a sticky mucus at 80 miles an hour.
19:07Certainly not up to 30 feet.
19:09No, not.
19:10Well, on a good day.
19:11On a good day.
19:14In the teens.
19:17You can see it's being touched here,
19:19and you can see the effect of the operation of it exploding.
19:22If you look carefully.
19:24Boy!
19:24Oh!
19:25Yeah, that's...
19:26I mean, it's a sexual act.
19:27I mean, it is spreading its seed.
19:29You can see the seeds flying everywhere.
19:31Whoa!
19:32Does it do that to itself?
19:34Well, no, it's...
19:37Another bit of it.
19:38Yeah, when it's very, very ripe and it falls,
19:40it will do it.
19:40But otherwise, when touched, it will also do it.
19:42It's actual Linnaean name is Ibalium Elleterium,
19:45which translates as the squirting squirter.
19:47Ibalium as in ballistics it throws out.
19:50And that's the forceful ejection of its seeds.
19:53But the Elleterium is the fact that it is a violent purgative,
19:55so it's a squirting squirter that gives you the squirt.
19:58So, yes, it would...
19:59It would make you explode from behind as well.
20:02So, in that sense, it's fully explosive.
20:04Now, what's the world's longest-running gag?
20:09Yes?
20:10Look over there!
20:12And they look...
20:13He's shooting at me.
20:14No, no.
20:16It's using a particular joke to displace warfare, actually,
20:20and it's been going on since the 13th century
20:22in a particular couple of tribes.
20:24Mali, in fact.
20:25The tribes are called the Traore and the Kone tribes.
20:29And what happens is,
20:30is that you have to take a joke
20:32from a member of the other tribe
20:33who basically accuses you of being a bean-eater,
20:36of eating lots of beans, which is an insult.
20:38And you have to take that insult,
20:40and then you can find another member of the opposing tribe
20:43and accuse them of being a bean-eater.
20:44And they just hang around calling each other bean-eaters.
20:48And that is...
20:49That saves them from killing each other.
20:51It's not the greatest joke in the world.
20:52Better than genocide.
20:52But it is...
20:53It's better than genocide,
20:54and it is the longest-running gag, as far as we know, in the world.
20:58It's a rather civilised way of sorting things out.
21:00Great idea for a panel show as well.
21:02He is, isn't he?
21:03Absolutely.
21:04You're a bean-eater.
21:06You're a bean-eater.
21:08Alan, you're a bean-eater.
21:10Julia?
21:11Yes?
21:12You're a bean-eater.
21:13Stephen, you are a bean-eater.
21:15You're a has-bean-eater.
21:18Oh!
21:20Oh!
21:21Oh!
21:21Oh!
21:21Oh!
21:22Oh!
21:24It certainly is.
21:25There are, of course, the yo mama jokes as well, which are used in the African-American community.
21:30Yo mama's so fat that she could usefully have a calorie-controlled diet and regular exercise.
21:37They're probably better than that as jokes.
21:39But mums are often used.
21:41Like, I remember the first time as an adult I went back to France to visit relatives and,
21:45you know, my cousin driving, angry all the time.
21:48Ta mère!
21:49Ta mère!
21:49Your mother!
21:50Your mother!
21:51Yeah, and all that.
21:51Yeah, and it's, you know, mums, so maybe mothers have always been by the butts of the joke.
21:55Oh, absolutely.
21:55In fact, back to Shakespeare, you've got in Titus Andronicus,
21:58Villain, what hast thou done?
21:59That which thou canst not undo.
22:01Thou hast undone our mother.
22:03Villain, I have done thy mother.
22:05Oh!
22:07And in all over the world, curses against people's mothers are very, very common.
22:11Sam Kinison does some fantastic-
22:13Oh, did, yes.
22:14Hecky put-downs.
22:15He did, yes.
22:15He did, yes.
22:17About people shouting, hey, from the audience.
22:19Yeah, that was the noise your mother made.
22:22When I did her last night, you won't recognise her.
22:26When I was finished, I shaved her back!
22:30That's a heck of a put-down, isn't it?
22:32He was a furious, furious comedian, wasn't he?
22:36So, yes, the Traoré and the Kone clans in Mali
22:39have been calling each other Mr Bean, essentially, since the 13th century.
22:43What did the world's first jukebox have on offer?
22:46Is it going to be a man in a box and you give him something and he plays for you?
22:50No.
22:50Do you know where the word jukebox comes from?
22:53Yes, I've heard this and I can't remember it.
22:56There is a story attached to this, isn't it?
22:58Um...
22:58Oh!
22:59A juke joint was a brothel.
23:01It is a Southern American slang for a brothel.
23:03Probably from the African juge, meaning disorderly or unruly.
23:07So the popular vehicle, the Nissan Juke, is a Nissan brothel.
23:11Yeah, I'm afraid so.
23:12There you go.
23:13And they were called juke houses or juke joints
23:16and like all kinds of places of ill repute and law-breaking,
23:19of course, they served all kinds of liquor and offered dancing
23:22and indeed music and gambling.
23:24And then when the first commercially available box that you could put a nickel in
23:29and it played a tube, people just called it a juke box
23:32because they kind of thought it was like making your own private little dance hall
23:36or juke joint.
23:37And the manufacturers resisted this terribly.
23:39They didn't want to be called a brothel box.
23:41But that's what they became known as.
23:43The very first one is you'd actually go into a shop where there's a speaking tube
23:47and you would speak down and say,
23:48I would like the Foxtrot in blue by the, you know, whoever, Jelly Roll Morton
23:53and the person at the other end would go,
23:55Very good, sir.
23:56And he would go off and find it and put it in the record player
23:58and attach the speaking tube to the horn of the gramophone
24:01and you would listen that way.
24:03Is that a Wurlitzer?
24:04It's a Rocola.
24:05They are beautiful things and yet, of course,
24:07Really lovely objects.
24:08They are beautiful and yet, of course, whenever you go to someone's house
24:11and they have one, they're almost invariably people with no taste.
24:17Except for Lee Mack, he has one.
24:19And a man with greater taste you will never encounter.
24:24He has great trouble getting it up the stairs as well, doesn't he?
24:26Because it weighs like a small car.
24:29Yes, the really old ones weigh an absolute tonne.
24:33Well, the very old ones, of course, had the band in there as well.
24:38Well, they're magnificent devices and now, of course,
24:40the kind of things like pinball machines that rock stars have in there.
24:43Lonely, drug-infested houses.
24:46Why did you say juke refers to brothels?
24:49Because it's called rock and roll music.
24:50Rock and roll was slang for...
24:52Also, for jiggy jiggy doo-doo.
24:54Yes.
24:56Jiggy jiggy doo-doo.
24:59Jiggy jiggy doo-doo.
25:00Jiggy jiggy doo-doo.
25:03Yes, jukeboxes were originally brothels in the deep south of America.
25:06Now, what's the worst place to be licked by a goat?
25:09Oh.
25:10At your parents' house.
25:13Perineum.
25:14Well, the perineum would be unpleasant.
25:17What bizarre set of circumstances would result in you having your perineum well and truly licked by a goat?
25:28A goat rimming is not necessarily a form of anything.
25:33You're squatting...
25:34Yes.
25:35This is the excuse you give the doctor, isn't it?
25:37You're caught short...
25:38Yeah.
25:39...out on a country walk...
25:40Yeah.
25:41...and you squat down onto a discarded sandwich.
25:46And the passing goat...
25:50...nicks it...
25:50This is never going to have a happy ending.
25:53Nicks it off your perineum.
25:55So how's this happened then?
25:57Has somebody been...
25:58Has somebody been licked?
25:59Well, somewhere in the world, it's happening right now.
26:01Yeah.
26:03What he said is not the right answer, I ought to tell you.
26:05So it's not the perineum?
26:06No, it's not.
26:07Is it to do with the tongue because it's so raspy and...
26:10It is to do with the raspiness of the goat's tongue.
26:12It was used as a torture.
26:14Oh!
26:15It's that you would tie someone to a tree such that their legs were sticking out.
26:18Oh, not licking the feet.
26:19Bare feet.
26:19It would cover the feet too, didn't it?
26:21Cover the feet with honey.
26:22And the goat would lick it.
26:23And at first it would be a pleasant tickling sensation.
26:25And then it would rip off layers of skin.
26:27Ooh!
26:28It would have livened up that scene in Goldfinger, wouldn't it?
26:31When he's tied down and the laser beam comes into his leg.
26:34Yes.
26:34If he'd said, you know, oh my God, no.
26:36Not the goat.
26:39Yeah, Mr. Bond, I put some honey onto the underside of your foot.
26:44You might call it your soul.
26:46Bring in the goat.
26:48And he goes, no, not the goat, it's a furry goat.
26:52And then he goes, actually, that's quite pleasant.
26:54And he says, soon the pleasure will turn to pain, Mr. Bond.
26:58And then he said, you expect me to talk?
27:00No.
27:01I expect you to die here.
27:03Well, Franciscus Brunis, who was a late medieval jurist
27:07and expert on torture, said in 1502,
27:10I hear this is a very hard torture and totally safe.
27:14Tickling was used in the stocks as well.
27:17You'd tickle people's feet in the stocks.
27:18And in the Han Dynasty in China, they used tickling a lot.
27:21In the old curiosity shop, I don't know if you've read that.
27:24It's the only Dickens novel I've read.
27:26Oh, well, then you might remember.
27:28I can't remember any of it.
27:28Oh, dear.
27:29Well, you might remember.
27:30I think it's got no memory function whatsoever now.
27:32No!
27:32There was little Nell who died.
27:34Oscar Wilde said of that, you would have to have a heart of stone
27:37to read the death of little Nell without laughing.
27:42Because it is what Dickens said is most sentimental, unfortunately.
27:45But there was a Mr. Jasper Packle Merton.
27:47And Jasper Packle Merton apparently killed 14 wives by tickling them to death.
27:53And...
27:54With a knife.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:57Dickens' man got this from an illustrated police news of 1869
28:01where a wife was driven insane by her husband tickling her.
28:04She was fooled by her husband into thinking that by being tied to a plank
28:07it would help her back.
28:09And he then proceeded to tickle her toes until she went mad.
28:13Which is not nice, to be honest.
28:16It would take a while, doesn't it?
28:17Yeah, yeah, it would.
28:18It would basically take a while.
28:19Now let's see how your J for geography is.
28:22Lots of points for the right answer
28:24and a measly minus ten for a wrong one.
28:26So try and be right.
28:28What's the name of the largest mountain in Japan?
28:31Fuji.
28:33Is the right answer.
28:35Yes.
28:36It's an active volcano, though it hasn't actually erupted for 200 years.
28:40Erm...
28:41So it's probably about due.
28:42Yeah, it probably is.
28:43No, Vesuvius is overdue.
28:45It's right next to Naples and it's overdue
28:47and there's no way of predicting when it will erupt.
28:50No.
28:51They told us we weren't going to see it on a school trip.
28:54They'd cheer you up, wouldn't they?
28:56This is the days before Elfin Safety.
28:58They took you up into the crater.
29:01Any minute now we're expecting it.
29:03It's overdue.
29:04We're standing in the crater of it.
29:06A party of school children.
29:07And to get there you had to walk across a lava flow
29:10that had a sulphur crust.
29:13It was about that thick.
29:14Oh, wow.
29:15And so you walked across it
29:16and there were places where it had fallen through
29:18and had just a small fence around it
29:20and underneath it was blup, blup, blup,
29:21an organic mire.
29:23And they said to us,
29:24walk in pairs and don't jump up and down.
29:29That was the safety bridge.
29:30And we all gathered together and jumped up and down together.
29:33Of course you did.
29:34Because they told you not to.
29:35You're a poor old boy.
29:36Yeah.
29:37Anyway, so can you name a Caribbean island group
29:40beginning with B?
29:42Bahamas.
29:43Oh!
29:44Ireland got their first.
29:46I'm afraid they are not Caribbean.
29:48No, they're Atlantic.
29:50What?
29:50They're not in the Caribbean, the Bahamas.
29:52They're in the Atlantic.
29:52I've been on holidays.
29:53I've done a lot of holidays.
29:54Yes, you have.
29:56There is an island group beginning with B in the Caribbean.
29:59No way.
30:02Very good in the audience.
30:03Someone shouted out one of the rarest things you could possibly imagine.
30:07British Virgin.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:15I wouldn't have accepted Barbados because it's just a single island.
30:18It's only one island, Barbados.
30:19Exactly, exactly.
30:20Bahamas are not in the Caribbean.
30:22No, I know.
30:22Big surprise.
30:23This bloke came up to me.
30:24Yeah.
30:25He said, I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy.
30:27I said, don't be so silly.
30:28I said, don't be so silly.
30:32Excellent.
30:34Now, which is the largest of the Great Lakes of North America?
30:38Yeah.
30:38Oh.
30:39Ontario.
30:40No, it's not Ontario.
30:41Is it a slightly trick question?
30:42Is it Hudson?
30:44It's not Hudson.
30:45No, the Hudson Bay.
30:46Oh, it's Hudson Bay, isn't it?
30:47No.
30:47Most of us were brought up to believe the Lake Superior was the largest lake in the world.
30:51Ah.
30:51That was the other one I was going to get wrong.
30:53Yes.
30:53Yes.
30:53In fact, all Americans are taught now that it's actually Michigan Huron, which are two lakes
31:00together, are now considered one lake for various technical reasons.
31:05Michigan Huron.
31:06I know this.
31:06They were formed after an ice age when the ice melted and retreated and they left a big
31:12puddle.
31:12A very big puddle.
31:13A very big puddle, indeed.
31:15It's connected by the Straits of Mackinac along the top there, but they're considered a single
31:18lake because they lie at the same elevation and rise and fall together.
31:22So they are one lake and they're bigger than Lake Superior.
31:26So, now, who can name a Shakespeare play set in Verona?
31:31Yeah.
31:32Romeo and Juliet?
31:34Yes.
31:34Perfectly thank you very much.
31:36Well done.
31:37Ah, thank you.
31:40Yes, what you avoided was the trap of saying Two Gentlemen and Verona, which is not
31:44set in Verona.
31:44It really looked like he was enjoying sitting for that.
31:47Yes, it did, didn't it?
31:48Do you know where Two Gentlemen and Verona is set?
31:50In Birmingham.
31:50Not Verona.
31:54So Two Gentlemen and Verona is in Italy?
31:56It is in Italy.
31:57It's actually set in Milan.
31:58Great.
31:59The gentlemen themselves are from Verona, but well avoided, well avoided, well avoided.
32:03I went to see The Merchant of Venice on Broadway with Al Pacino and that seemed to be set
32:08in Brooklyn.
32:11Does a Jew not have feelings?
32:16I remember I said to this bloke, I said I'm appearing in Hamlet at the Globe Theatre.
32:21He said, are you being facetious?
32:22I said, no, Polonius.
32:26Very good.
32:27Finally, on the geography, which country crosses the most time zones?
32:33Is it?
32:33Oh.
32:34Yeah, go on, go on.
32:35Do it.
32:35Come along.
32:36All right.
32:37Go on, go on.
32:38Wales.
32:40See, I told you.
32:44I knew not to do it.
32:46I knew not to do it.
32:48At least you didn't get a klaxon.
32:49Oh, right.
32:50It was my first.
32:51Yeah.
32:52Canada.
32:52No, it's not Canada.
32:54I'm afraid we didn't.
32:55I think it's a trick because I think it's going to be a country that's got outposts.
32:59Possessions, you're correct.
33:00Is it going to be, is it the United Kingdom?
33:02It's not the United Kingdom.
33:03We don't count our possessions as all being part of the mother country, but one ex-colonial
33:07power does regard all its outlying possessions as being part of the mother country.
33:12France.
33:13France.
33:13France is right.
33:14Oh, yes, you got the buzzer.
33:16I don't have to give it to you that.
33:17Yes.
33:17You were just too lazy to buzz.
33:19You've got to use the buzzer.
33:20That's the rule.
33:21Yeah.
33:21Exactly.
33:22Yeah, so France has 12 different time zones.
33:25US has 11 time zones because of Hawaii being all the way.
33:30Russia, nine.
33:31Now, what is the longest thing about this animal?
33:35Oh, it's cock.
33:36Oh.
33:38It is.
33:39It's a bilby.
33:40It's a bilby.
33:41It's a bilby.
33:41It's not a bilby.
33:42It's not.
33:42It is.
33:43The longest thing is not the issue.
33:44We rather hear the longest thing.
33:46It's a cute little creature.
33:47Is it his tail?
33:48It is the tail.
33:49Oh.
33:50I was going to say tail.
33:53Oh, look at that.
33:54It's a cute little thing.
33:55Look at him.
33:56It's very easy to catch him.
33:57It pops like a little kangaroo.
33:59There it goes.
34:00It lives in the Gobi Desert.
34:01That is cute.
34:02And it has a very long tail, as you can see, that it uses for balance and rather like a
34:06kangaroo, and it can also sit up on it.
34:08It's very, very endearing.
34:09The ears are thought to be, to say, you know, to let the cool itself, the blood cools through
34:14the ears.
34:16That looks rather dead, that one.
34:18He's treated himself to a kinder surprise.
34:21Yeah.
34:23He swallowed the toy and choked from it.
34:25Yeah.
34:26And it's called a Jerboa.
34:28Jerboa.
34:28It's called a Jerboa with a J, hence our J. It's from an Arabian word, in fact, meaning
34:34flesh of the loins, rather oddly.
34:36But it's the same origin as the word Jerbil.
34:37And what is it about humans and big ears?
34:40They get bigger.
34:41They get bigger.
34:42The ears get bigger.
34:43Yeah.
34:44I mean, old men do seem to have longer ears, but the trouble is no one's done a study where
34:51they've measured their ears when they were younger.
34:54Because it could well be, it's logical, that actually having large ears is a predictor
34:59of a long life.
35:00I know what that man did for a living.
35:02What's that?
35:03He was a bowler hat model.
35:07He was a very fine bowler hat model.
35:10I've got quite big ears, but I can also see what it's like to be someone whose ears are
35:14flat against the side of their head.
35:16Because I can go like that.
35:18Oh, my goodness.
35:19And I can hold it so it's like having an instant facelift like that.
35:22How do you do that?
35:24Well, I can't really talk like this as well.
35:28I can tell you later.
35:29It means I can do a thing like when you do it on a rollercoaster and you're just going
35:32over to the top of your head.
35:44I bet your so-called serious brother Jeremy can't do that.
35:47He can't do that.
35:48Yeah, that's another way.
35:49He could host a phone-in about it though, couldn't he?
35:53Do call in if you can wiggle your ears.
35:55No problem with your ears.
35:56Give us a ring now.
35:57Go on.
35:58He did once on his show, genuinely, I thought they were running out of things to do that
36:02day.
36:02He said, please, this was honestly, it wasn't a joke.
36:05He said, please phone in if the sound of your own voice terrifies you.
36:11That was a funny topic.
36:13Did anyone call me?
36:14People rang and screaming.
36:17Any calls?
36:18Yeah, they had some people ring up me.
36:20Sobbing.
36:21Help me, I'm so afraid!
36:24Anyway, why would the King of France enjoy a naive salad, for starters?
36:29He's got a tiny head.
36:30Has he got massive ears under that wing?
36:34Of course, naive backwards is...
36:38Evian.
36:38Evian.
36:39As in the water.
36:40Is it?
36:41Isn't it?
36:41Yes, it is.
36:42Yes, it is.
36:43Mr Fry.
36:43So, it's not that it's backwards that's relevant, but it's the letters of naive make
36:49avian, and the letters of naive salad could be rearranged to make...
36:54Dallas.
36:55No, that would mean...
36:57That would mean two L's, darling.
36:59You're absolutely right, carry on.
37:01Yeah.
37:01Naive salad.
37:02See if we can rearrange them.
37:04Anyone in the audience can see what's going on?
37:06Alive.
37:08Alan...
37:09Davies!
37:11Yay!
37:13Yay!
37:15Yay!
37:16I think the middle name is Roger, isn't it?
37:19It is.
37:19So, Alan R. Davies would be anal advisor.
37:23Which might be impressive.
37:25The King of France might enjoy an anal advisor.
37:28Let's get a business card done immediately.
37:31Or you could be a lady's van.
37:33But the point is, the Kings of France enjoyed an anagramateur royal, a royal anagrammer.
37:40It was like a court jester.
37:42He would make up flattering anagrams of your name.
37:44We probably know the famous ones like, Britney Spears is an anagram of Presbyterians, rather strangely.
37:52But it is.
37:53Virginia Bottomley, who was a Tory MP under Margaret Thatcher, anagramatizes into, I'm an evil Tory
37:59bigot.
38:00LAUGHTER
38:02Which is just one of those things.
38:04And you get one, the point that was fascinating is that laptop machines is an anagram of Apple
38:09Macintosh.
38:10Oh, wow.
38:12And in Japan, they had a similar sort of wordplay fest, which is where someone would start
38:17off with a haiku, five, seven, five syllables, and then someone would add a seven-syllable
38:22line.
38:23It was called the maikuzuke, responding to the front line.
38:26And you'd end up making some witty or satirical poem on the fly.
38:30And that's why I asked you to write a limerick.
38:32So, have you got a limerick for me?
38:33Any of you?
38:34I hope you have.
38:36I do.
38:36Oh, go on then.
38:37Girls first.
38:38Yeah.
38:42I carouse in a style bacchanalian, but I sleep in a way marsupalian.
38:49I like to eat cheese, but I never say please.
38:51Yes, I'm French, but I'm also Australian.
38:53Oh!
38:53That's very good.
38:59It's certainly better than the one I know about in Australia.
39:03There was a young man from Australia who painted his arse like a dahlia.
39:06Tuppence of smell was all very well, but Tuppence of lick was a failure.
39:15Alan, what have you got for us?
39:17I've got, there once was a show on TV that was always the smart place to be.
39:21Yeah.
39:21I'm fully aware you'd rather be there, but instead you're stuck here with me.
39:24Oh!
39:25Very good.
39:28I like it.
39:31I've got one about Rob Brydon.
39:34Oh!
39:35Just because I found something that rhymes with Brydon.
39:37Yeah.
39:38There was a young man called Rob Brydon whose favourite film was The Poseidon Adventure.
39:46And he would watch it regularly, that funny old man called Rob Brydon.
39:54Oh!
39:54Very good, thanks.
39:56That's not an easy one.
39:58Yeah, yeah.
39:59It's easy to win on QI.
40:01You don't need an IQ that's high.
40:03Try not to be haughty, just be a bit naughty and make sure you please Stephen Fry.
40:07No!
40:08Very good.
40:09Very, very good.
40:11I'm sorry.
40:12I've been flattering many times.
40:15Appearing one night on QI, I made up three facts on the fly.
40:19The first was untrue, the second was two, and the third was about the size of my cock and it
40:23was no exaggeration.
40:28Well, um...
40:29Yes, Rob, what have you got for me?
40:31Nothing, as will become evident.
40:34There once was a chap called Tim Vine.
40:36Oh, hello.
40:37Whose punning was simply sublime.
40:40Sat next to Alan.
40:41Oh, bugger.
40:46Okay.
40:47There once was a man called Tim Vine, whose punning was more than just fine.
40:53Sat on the panel with no end of flannel, that lovely young chap called Tim Vine.
41:00Oh, that's very good.
41:00Very good.
41:01Very, very fine.
41:05This is one I read in a particular book of jokes.
41:07There was a young man from devices whose ears were different sizes.
41:10One was quite small and no use at all, the other was huge and won prizes.
41:14Oh, that's very sweet.
41:16I like that.
41:17Excellent.
41:17Well, I...
41:18The strange thing about them is no one knows why they are called Limericks.
41:21They seem to have no relationship to the town of Limerick,
41:24but they are continue to be popular and sometimes excessively rude.
41:29There was a young chaplain from King's who talked about God and such things,
41:33but his real desire was a boy in the choir with a bottom like jelly on spring.
41:38LAUGHTER
41:40There we go.
41:42Lovely.
41:43Fair enough.
41:44Top that.
41:45Yeah.
41:46That brings us to the somewhat predictable punchline that we call the scores.
41:50And let's see what's been happening.
41:52Well, divine as he is, I'm afraid in last place with minus 27 is Tim Vine.
41:57APPLAUSE
42:02And...
42:03In a...
42:04The Bow of the Valleys is in third place with minus six, rub right down.
42:11APPLAUSE
42:14And far from a failure, that wonderful Franco-Australian Julia with minus three.
42:21APPLAUSE
42:25It makes men gasp and stretch their eyes.
42:29Alan Davies is clear winner with plus 12.
42:33APPLAUSE
42:39So, that's all from Rod, Julia, Tim, Alan and me.
42:42Thank you, goodnight and be extremely pleasant to each other.
42:45Bye-bye.
42:45Bye-bye.
42:45Gandhi happy.
42:46R
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