- 9 hours ago
First broadcast 21st December 2012.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Danny Baker
Phill Jupitus
Sarah Millican
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Danny Baker
Phill Jupitus
Sarah Millican
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
00:03Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!
00:05Ho! Ho! Ho!
00:06And welcome to Q-I for the J-series Christmas Special,
00:11which is, of course, called Jingle Bells
00:13and just look at my lovely, shiny baubles
00:16the sparking Danny Baker.
00:24The twinkly Sarah Millican.
00:33The glittering Phil Jupiters and he's fallen off the tree, Alan Davis.
00:51So, jingle your bells please, Sarah goes, Danny goes, Phil goes, and Alan goes, the pearls, the pearls.
01:15So, now, first question, it's a musical question, where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny?
01:26Yes, Sarah?
01:28Mrs. Beethoven.
01:40Yes.
01:41I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny, and it's something that the good folk at Durex have obviously missed out on.
01:48It's a seasonal range, but actually, you know, with a bell in the, erm...
01:56There's honey around it.
01:57Yeah.
01:58Nice.
01:59I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades of Grey away from you.
02:01LAUGHTER
02:03We've started our family Christmas show just as I heard.
02:07Very good.
02:08His Jingling Johnny, what might it be?
02:10A triangle.
02:11Well, you're in the right area.
02:13Ah.
02:13It's an instrument.
02:15Other composers, Haydn's Hundred Symphony uses a Jingling Johnny.
02:19Berlioz was extremely fond of them, as was John Philip Sousa, and I even have one.
02:24Oh.
02:24Look at the cowbell.
02:25It's rather more complex than that.
02:26It's this.
02:28BELL RINGS
02:28Wow.
02:29That is a Jingling Johnny.
02:31It's a large...
02:32BELL RINGS
02:33BELL RINGS
02:34Look, look, look.
02:35You were supposed to not bring any props from The Hobbit back.
02:40LAUGHTER
02:46Seriously, seriously, I could see you could go to Stonehenge next summer solstice and you could own the joint with
02:52that.
02:52LAUGHTER
02:54It was used as a marching...
02:59You up and down it with a march.
03:01Up and down.
03:02BELL RINGS
03:02That's it, yeah.
03:05LAUGHTER
03:05The army that used these began with J, and has a connection with Vienna, the Siege of Vienna.
03:11If that means anything historically to you.
03:14As opposed to...
03:15The feeling has gone, only you and I.
03:17Yes.
03:18This means nothing to me.
03:19You're not.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:23Oh, Vienna!
03:25Usually...
03:27It's not Ultravox, it's earlier than that.
03:30Very good popular culture, remember.
03:31It's good that I should know that.
03:33I don't know how I knew that either.
03:34Between Vienna and the East, the whole of that past Eastern Europe was owned by an empire.
03:40Ottoman Empire?
03:41Ottoman Empire.
03:42The elite core was called Janissaries.
03:46The Janissaries used these as they marched.
03:49And Beethoven used it in one of his most famous compositions, Ninth Symphony, the Choral Symphony.
03:54Yeah.
03:55He uses a jingling Johnny.
03:57Yeah.
03:57Hector Berlioz, one of the great French composers, claimed that the shaking of its sonorous locks added brilliancy to marching
04:05music.
04:05Oh, I believe that it was later taken up.
04:08Wasn't it by, er, on the X-Factors, how they...
04:12Oh!
04:13Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16Take it away, it's compulsive.
04:18I don't think I'd better take it away from you.
04:19It's the Casio of its day.
04:20It is.
04:21There are...
04:22Casio.
04:24There are...
04:25There are other instruments of this nature.
04:28Buskers make their own versions.
04:31There's a thing called the Lagophone.
04:32It's an Australian version.
04:33Yeah.
04:34Where the ringing noise is made by...
04:35Can you guess?
04:37Lager...
04:37Oh, erm, yeah.
04:38Bottletops.
04:39The crowns of Bottletops, yeah, exactly.
04:41There are other names for it in other languages, obviously.
04:43The Dutch have the Cootipil and the Monkey Stick.
04:46And in Newfoundland, they actually have something called the Ugly Stick, oddly enough.
04:49The Bum Bass and the Bladder Fiddle, which are versions that have a string attached that you can pluck.
04:55If you'd like me just to show you The Majesty of Baker,
04:58name a 70s single that harnessed one of those instruments.
05:02Er, er...
05:03Teredactyl and the Dinosaur's Seaside Shuffle.
05:05Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Baker.
05:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:12It's like...
05:14It's like being in the room with Max Planck and Einstein while they're talking.
05:18LAUGHTER
05:20Which instrument was it?
05:22It was...
05:22They used the Zob Stick, which was what they called it, which was the bottle-toppy...
05:26Yes, they did.
05:27Riding on there...
05:28Riding on there...
05:28You guys...
05:30You guys...
05:32But anyway, er...
05:33That was the Jingling Johnny.
05:35So, moving on.
05:36How long does the minute waltz last?
05:40Ah...
05:43You see, this show's been on for ten years now.
05:45It's a double bluff.
05:45It's a double bluff.
05:46Yeah, it's my other name, isn't it?
05:4760 seconds.
05:48No!
05:50Oh, God.
05:51What a shame.
05:52It is a shame.
05:53It ought to be one of those which are double bluffs, isn't it?
05:55Is it going to be 61 seconds?
05:56No.
05:56Yeah, like a big-ass dozen.
05:57Is it going to be like that?
05:58Like, 70 seconds?
05:59No, it isn't that.
06:00A bit more.
06:01It's...
06:01Oh!
06:03Oh!
06:05It's Christmas!
06:06It's Christmas!
06:07It's Christmas, Mr. Scrooge.
06:09We're gone.
06:11You've got to cheer.
06:13I'm sorry, Sarah Cratchit.
06:15You've got to stay in...
06:16No, the fact is...
06:18An hour.
06:20Well...
06:21A fortnight!
06:22A fortnight!
06:24I like that.
06:25Ages.
06:26No, it's almost my fault, except it isn't.
06:28It is universally accepted.
06:29That it's called the Minute Waltz.
06:32Oh.
06:32But...
06:32It's actually the Minute Waltz.
06:34Yes!
06:35Oh!
06:35The points are back!
06:37It's the Minute Waltz.
06:38It was originally called by...
06:41Who wrote it, by the way?
06:42Phil, who wrote that?
06:45Who wrote that?
06:47If you'd like to hear a piece of it, they might give you a hint.
06:52Chopin.
06:53Very good!
06:55Chopin.
07:01Everyone calls it the Minute Waltz, but it was actually called the Minute Waltz, the Tiny Waltz.
07:05Because it was really called the Little Dog Waltz.
07:08It was inspired by watching a little dog chasing its own tail.
07:10Oh!
07:11And he wrote the piece.
07:12And you can play it in 60 seconds.
07:14If you do so, it's almost inaudible.
07:16It would be an act of great virtuosity.
07:19Liberace cut out what he called the boring bits.
07:22Ah!
07:22And played it in 37 seconds.
07:25But generally speaking, it takes quite a lot longer than a minute to play.
07:28But there is a Guinness record for the fastest pianist.
07:31The greatest number of notes played in a minute.
07:35700.
07:36700?
07:37Yeah.
07:37700 in a minute.
07:38Bloody hell.
07:39Yeah, that would be...
07:40It'd be a good Morse Coder, wouldn't it?
07:42Ten fingers?
07:42No, no, with one finger.
07:43This is played with one finger.
07:45Oh!
07:46Nine!
07:50It's 498.
07:53498 notes in one minute.
07:55With one finger on one note.
07:56His name was Balas Havasi.
07:59He was Hungarian.
07:59Imagine if he'd had the other nine fingers, what he could have done.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:05I bet Mrs Balas Havasi was delighted.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:12APPLAUSE
08:17God bless us, everyone!
08:22Chopin, as it happened, is one of those people,
08:24it's common among sportsmen, I believe,
08:26boxing managers and rowing coaches always recommend
08:29that before the day of an important race or fight,
08:34you do not, you do not release your precious fluid.
08:37Yes.
08:38If you're male.
08:39And Chopin believed that.
08:40He thought ejaculation weakened the creative impulse.
08:44He died of TB, he died of consumption,
08:46and in his last days he coughed blood onto the piano keys.
08:50Oh!
08:50Which is one of the great romantic images.
08:51He was Polish, of course, but spent most of his time in Paris.
08:55Yeah.
08:55His lover, whose name was...
08:57Dave.
09:00George!
09:01George, sorry.
09:02But she was a woman.
09:03She was a woman.
09:03George San, yeah.
09:05The great French writer.
09:06And they had this turbulence and extraordinary affair.
09:08And he died very young, but blood on the planet.
09:11Oscar Wilde said, after playing Chopin,
09:13I feel as if I had been weeping over sins that I had never committed.
09:17Ha!
09:17It's rather beautiful.
09:19But he is many people's favourite composer
09:20because he's so utterly, achingly romantic.
09:24Who sang the first advertising jingle,
09:28as it's Jingle Bells day to day?
09:29Wasn't it?
09:30No?
09:30Marconi himself, surely.
09:32Marconi.
09:33Hey, radio.
09:34It's the way forward.
09:35Hey!
09:37Hey, pop that hasn't been invented yet, Pickle.
09:39This is Marconi.
09:40I was at a party at the BBC,
09:42and I sat next to Marconi's widow.
09:45I have touched the wife of the man who invented radio.
09:49It does seem weird, doesn't it?
09:50That she was still alive.
09:51Well, where did you touch her?
09:52That she might forget!
09:56She had been a young girl,
09:57and he was quite an old man when they married.
09:59But nonetheless, it's weird to think
10:00that I could have met the inventor of radio's wife anyway.
10:03But the first jingle wasn't on the radio.
10:05Oh, at Music Hall?
10:07Well, no.
10:08The first people ever to sing jingles
10:09would have been, as it were, you and me.
10:12They were written in newspapers
10:13and on pieces of paper with products.
10:15There would be the music written out with the words
10:18so that you would sing it yourself.
10:19Oh!
10:20So you bought a packet of cigarettes,
10:22and it went,
10:22I'm smoking cigarettes, I'm...
10:25Whatever.
10:26Because this was 20 years before the invented radio.
10:29We're talking about the 1870s, not the 80s.
10:31Yeah.
10:31Of course, a lot of people had little pianos
10:33in their front parlours,
10:34and they would get round and sing the, you know,
10:36the Wrigley's song or whatever it was.
10:39And so the first people ever to sing jingles
10:41would have been the members of the public themselves.
10:42You heard that Von Moltke?
10:44It's a wax cylinder of Von Moltke, the German general.
10:48And it's the only recorded voice of someone born
10:50in the 18th century.
10:51He was born in 1798.
10:53You're going to hear his voice.
10:54That is extraordinary.
10:55Well, I remember I had the good fortune to meet
11:06and he said, no, no, that's not too strange.
11:09He said, what's strange is that Bertram Russell's aunt
11:12danced with Napoleon.
11:15So I shook the hands of someone
11:16who shook the hands of someone whose aunt
11:17danced with Napoleon.
11:19Wow.
11:19It's pretty amazing, isn't it?
11:20That is something, yeah.
11:21Let's go round the table.
11:23This hand shook the hand of John Lennon.
11:26Oh, wow.
11:27That's good.
11:28Wow, we're passing it on.
11:30Louis Spence, I've shook his hand.
11:41Go on.
11:42Okay.
11:43Go on, then.
11:43River Phoenix.
11:44Oh!
11:47Here we go.
11:49Jennifer Lopez.
11:51Oh!
11:52That's so good.
11:53You're coming across here.
11:53Here we go.
11:54Alan Davis.
11:57He's called Trump at all.
12:01My aunt and uncle are very close to Jesus.
12:05Yeah.
12:06So back right off.
12:09But see, today, Jesus is still alive,
12:12so that doesn't really count.
12:13Of course.
12:13Behind you.
12:14Bam!
12:15In front.
12:16And, and, it's his birthday.
12:18Yay!
12:20Wow.
12:22But the radio...
12:25Radio jingles, on the other hand,
12:26appeared in the 1920s.
12:28There's a way, oddly, to get round NBC's rule,
12:31that you couldn't advertise directly.
12:33But what you could do is sing songs...
12:35...which had the sponsor's name in.
12:37And the show could even be named after the sponsor.
12:40So, like...
12:42This is Rudy Vallée.
12:43There was a famous performer in his day.
12:45He had an NBC show called Fleischmann's Yeast Hour.
12:53Thankfully, that was followed by Perkin's Yoghurt Half Hour.
12:57And it was the Sunshine Vitamin Yeast jingle,
13:00which they consider probably one of the very first jingles.
13:04Do you use jingles on your show?
13:06I use a vintage one.
13:06The Ovaltine is one over one.
13:08Ovaltine is a great favourite one.
13:10And ones from the early 60s, you know,
13:11sorry, mate, you're too late.
13:12The best piece went to Farrow's,
13:14which, again, is a beautiful bit of copyright.
13:15All right, hang on a minute.
13:17This is just right there.
13:18Boom, boom, boom, boom.
13:19That's so blue.
13:20Yeah, there you go.
13:20Yeah, I know.
13:22The things that stay in your head.
13:23Ho, ho, ho.
13:25Green giant.
13:26Oh, yeah.
13:28We are the giant thing on the TV.
13:31Oh, there we go.
13:32We're just going to be thigh-deep in paraffin and corn, me and Alan.
13:37Send you all kinds of three ones.
13:38So, now, what is that one for that malt whisky that I'm...
13:43Anyway, arguably, the first jinglist
13:45was actually a heretic called Arius.
13:47He didn't believe in the Trinity.
13:49This may not seem very relevant to us,
13:50but at this period, around 324,
13:52they had the Council of Nicaea,
13:53and his doctrine was formally condemned.
13:56But his way of spreading
13:57what he believed to be the truth about Christ
13:59was in little songs.
14:01One was,
14:01if you want the Logos doctrine,
14:04Logos being the word,
14:05I can serve hot and hot.
14:07God begat him,
14:08and before he was begotten,
14:10he was not.
14:12In other words,
14:12Christ didn't exist until his father gave birth to him,
14:14which runs counter to Catholic dogma.
14:17And so, he apparently died.
14:20The evidence is the picture in the background
14:22of a rectal prolapse.
14:24Supposedly...
14:25Supposedly...
14:26I thought there was somebody booning him in the picture.
14:29Oh!
14:30Oh!
14:31What?
14:31Oh!
14:32That'll teach you to be heretical.
14:35Yes, don't mess with me,
14:37or your bum will fall out.
14:39Yeah.
14:41Hi, God here.
14:43Heard that jingle the other day.
14:44Not so snappy now, is it?
14:46Now you're there,
14:47with your intestines coiled around your ankles.
14:50A little bit of a dick.
14:51All right.
14:52The first jingles were actually written down,
14:55so you had to sing the jingle to yourself.
14:57But what was Jingle Bells written to celebrate?
15:01The end of a war.
15:03No, it wasn't that.
15:04The end of a famine.
15:05No.
15:06The beginning of a famine.
15:10The arrival of the first member of the Klu Klux Klan in Iceland.
15:14It does look a bit like that, doesn't it?
15:16Christmas.
15:17No, not Christmas.
15:20One of these days there'll be a double bluff.
15:21There will be.
15:22We do have double bluffs.
15:23Concealed within.
15:24It was written by a man whose nephew went on to become
15:28the richest man in America.
15:29Rockefeller.
15:30No, J. Pierpoint Morgan, the great banker.
15:33But his uncle lived in Massachusetts,
15:36and in 1857 he wrote a song,
15:39and it was to celebrate a winter festival
15:42that takes place in America.
15:44Not Christmas.
15:45Thanksgiving, exactly.
15:46And he wrote the song,
15:47and its real name was not Jingle Bells,
15:51but...
15:51Turkey legs.
15:52Jingle balls.
15:53No.
15:54It's a line from the song.
15:55Jungle bells.
15:56It's a line from the song.
15:59Why?
16:00One Horse Open Sleigh is the name of the song.
16:03It's called One Horse Open Sleigh.
16:05And he played it on...
16:06One Horse Open Sleigh.
16:09That's the one.
16:10That's right.
16:13Your mother will be coming to visit tomorrow.
16:18I'm going to sing you in front.
16:20Jingle bells.
16:22The Batman smell.
16:23Yeah.
16:25That's the one.
16:26Anyway, I loved the tune,
16:27and it became a big Christmas.
16:29Can I ask you a question about the picture?
16:31Yes.
16:31Is the horse bleeding from the eyes?
16:35It does look a bit like an...
16:36It does.
16:37It doesn't look well.
16:38It's a rather freely painted mane, isn't it?
16:41But there's a happy, frisky dog,
16:43and it's a Christmassy scene.
16:44But while we're on the subject of songs,
16:47what do you think was the first song ever played in space?
16:49Oh, Silent Night.
16:51It wasn't Silent Night.
16:53These are the two astronauts who played it.
16:54Their names are Walter, or Wally Shearer, Junior,
16:57and Thomas P Stafford.
16:59And they were part of the project before the Apollo project,
17:02which is called the Gemini project.
17:03And they were on Gemini 6.
17:06And this is quite a wicked thing for them to do,
17:09given that they were under military orders working for NASA.
17:11They smuggled aboard two musical instruments,
17:15which is quite a lot, because that's payload, you know.
17:17The amount of fuel that they use is calculated virtually to them.
17:21Were they aunts?
17:22Two tubers?
17:23No.
17:25That would have been really impressive.
17:30It was a church organ and a gamelan.
17:39They were at least small enough to smuggle in.
17:42But what happened was that...
17:42They got the nets!
17:44Their re-entry was on the 16th of December.
17:47As they were working out the angle of re-entry,
17:50they sent this message to Houston.
17:52They said,
17:53Houston, we have an object.
17:54Looks like a satellite going from north to south,
17:57probably in polar orbit.
17:59Looks like he might be going to re-entry soon.
18:02You might just let me pick up that thing.
18:04I see a command module and eight smaller modules in front.
18:09The pilot of the command module is wearing a red suit.
18:12And then they got out what they'd smuggled,
18:14which was a harmonica and sleigh bells,
18:16and played jingle bells.
18:18Oh.
18:19But just for a second, Houston were going,
18:21Oh my God!
18:21There's something else.
18:23So he is real then.
18:30I've heard it talked about NASA and practical jokes,
18:34but that craft that we sent out into the universe with the big steel...
18:38Oh, the Voyager.
18:39The Voyager with the big circular explanations of all life.
18:43Yes, with the disc.
18:44And it's got Chuck Berry on it,
18:45and it's got all kinds of things.
18:46And the fella said,
18:47we also put on, to broadcast out,
18:49the shave and a haircut.
18:51Literally, it's saying it goes...
18:53And they figure any, any intelligent...
18:55Intelligent life war.
18:57...couldn't leave it there.
18:58And it's one day they're going to get back,
19:00and they're...
19:01Yes!
19:03So there we are.
19:04Now, can you explain the Jesus Christ dinosaur hypothesis?
19:09Why might you call anything a Jesus something?
19:12Amongst the properties of Jesus, if you...
19:14A walk on water.
19:15I mean, just walking on water.
19:16That's the one.
19:18That's the one.
19:18Now, there's a particular kind of dinosaur,
19:21a sort of intermediate dinosaur,
19:22between birds and dinosaurs 150 million years ago,
19:26which, in dinosaur terms, is quite recent.
19:28It was not long before they were all wiped out.
19:30There is a picture.
19:30Oh, isn't that beautiful?
19:31Like all the dinosaurs.
19:33They are?
19:33Yeah, they're pretty amazing.
19:34Do you know what that woman's called, by any chance?
19:36Dave.
19:39One day the answer might be Dave,
19:41one day the answer might be Blue Whale.
19:42It's going to be...
19:44What I'm looking forward to is when we have a blue whale called Dave
19:47and you don't get it.
19:51They're called Archaeopteryx.
19:53And all the fossils for Archaeopteryx, oddly enough,
19:56are found in a place where there was a sea,
19:58but there was absolutely no evidence of any trees.
20:02Therefore, it seemed very odd as to how they would fly.
20:05And there is a suggestion that what they did was
20:08they ran on water rather in the way that swans,
20:11when they're about to take off.
20:12Let's have a look at a swan about to take off.
20:15You'll get the idea of what I mean.
20:16They sort of like that.
20:18It's a beautiful sight.
20:19They can really run along the water.
20:21And they think that's what the Archaeopteryx might have done.
20:24And there are other animals today, still exist,
20:27that are called the Jesus something,
20:29because they run on water.
20:30Can you think of any examples?
20:31Well, there's a lizard.
20:32There's a Jesus lizard.
20:33You might want to see a Jesus lizard having a bit of a go.
20:35The Jesus cow.
20:40I don't pay big money to see a Jesus cow.
20:44I get out of my own.
20:45How that works is they blow up their own udders really big.
20:50Oh, that's face opposite.
20:56There's something very, very Glenn Larson about that.
20:59But then the Jesus lizard can get up to about 20 metres,
21:02which is not bad.
21:03Obviously, when they stop, they sink.
21:05So it's all about the fact that they are literally walking
21:08or running on water.
21:10They strike the water and they slap it and they go through.
21:12What else runs on water?
21:13In Jamaica, there's one that would have been written about by James Bond.
21:16Bob Marley used to run on water.
21:19Rita, I'm going for a run upon the lake.
21:25Hold me chalice while I run on the water.
21:29No woman, no drown.
21:33I'm full of cultural references.
21:35No, this particular one would have been written about by James Bond.
21:39Where did Ian Fleming get the name James Bond?
21:41From notepaper.
21:43No, he had a book.
21:45He lived in Jamaica.
21:46And he had a selection of books on Jamaica.
21:50And there was a book called The Birds of Jamaica
21:52by a man called James Bond.
21:53Ah.
21:54And that's where he got the name for his hero.
21:56And so this man, James Bond, would certainly have written
21:58about the Jacana, which is a Jesus bird.
22:01It's also called the Jesus bird for its apparent ability
22:03to walk on water as well.
22:04Well, he gets all the credit and why not for James Bond.
22:07But let's never forget, he also wrote Chitty Bang Bang.
22:10Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Bang Bang.
22:11Chitty Bang Bang.
22:12And a character in that was called Caractacus Pops,
22:14which I didn't get for years.
22:15I didn't understand that joke for years, Caractacus.
22:17What's the joke?
22:20It was a crackpot.
22:21It was an inventor.
22:23Crackpot?
22:23Yeah.
22:24I know.
22:25Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?
22:27I haven't watched it since I was a child,
22:29because I think that's when you're supposed to watch it.
22:33That's girls.
22:34You see little girls grow up to be women
22:36and little boys grow up to be big little boys.
22:38Yeah, we've just got too much.
22:39We still watch children films.
22:39We've got too much stuff to do.
22:41Do you have children, though?
22:42No.
22:42Ah, well, when you do, then maybe...
22:44No, no, no.
22:45You plan not to?
22:46No.
22:46There's no...
22:47There's no when, Stephen.
22:48There's no...
22:49No.
22:49You're not going to adopt a little shiny...
22:51A shiny one?
22:54Are they varnished?
22:56Can I varnish one?
22:58I don't know.
22:59It might be more attractive if they're shiny.
23:02It's not my field, I don't know.
23:04And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child buffing workshop.
23:10Where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen.
23:16More...
23:17More lacquer, little boy.
23:21Arrgh!
23:22Arrgh!
23:24Arrgh!
23:29You're the shiniest one.
23:33We shall put you in the Harrods window.
23:35I don't know.
23:36I'm still alive in here!
23:38I'm still alive in here!
23:39I'm still alive in here!
23:39Why?
23:40I can see...
23:40Help me!
23:42I can see my face in your face.
23:45It's...
23:45Arrgh!
23:46You might have changed my mind.
23:48I thought the word...
23:48Yeah.
23:48I had no idea.
23:50My shiny little baby.
23:52I didn't mean to love me.
23:53Although it's slightly put off by the idea of the child buffing.
23:55Arrgh!
23:56Arrgh!
23:58Arrgh!
23:59Arrgh!
24:01Arrgh!
24:02Arrgh!
24:03Arrgh!
24:04Arrgh!
24:06Let me take you back now to your childhood and innocence.
24:09You remember all those white Christmases?
24:11Right.
24:12No?
24:13Okay.
24:13I remember one.
24:15Yeah.
24:151971.
24:171970.
24:18January was 71.
24:19There you go.
24:19Christmas itself in 1970.
24:21Had you said yes, I would buzz you because you don't remember any because you're from the
24:24South East.
24:24You might remember a few more because South Shields has had more.
24:27We've actually tried to work out how many white Christmases you've had.
24:31We think you might have had them when you were one, three, four, five, six and nine.
24:36Wow.
24:36Which is actually quite a lot.
24:38It is quite a lot.
24:38Because in the whole of the 20th century, if you lived in London or the South East, there
24:42were only four white Christmases.
24:45I know.
24:47It is extraordinary.
24:49And they were in 1927, 1938, 1970 and 1981.
24:53As we know in the 21st century we've had a few.
24:55But what's important about this is that in the early part of the 19th century, around
25:01about 1812 to 1820, there were eight in a row.
25:05Oh.
25:06Now why was that important to our culture?
25:08Is that when the song was written?
25:10No.
25:11A certain child was born in 1812.
25:14Jesus.
25:17Mormon.
25:18You really do need a little bit of a religious education.
25:21This was an author, a writer, who created ideas.
25:25Charles Dickens.
25:25Charles Dickens.
25:27For the first eight years of his life, it always snowed on Christmas Day.
25:31And so whenever he mentions Christmas, not just in A Christmas Carol, but in several
25:35other novels, it's always snowing.
25:37And this helps the myth in British culture of a snowy Christmas.
25:41He also lived at a time known as the Little Ice Age.
25:44You know this, I'm sure you've seen paintings of fares on the River Thames.
25:48There were times when the River Thames froze so solidly, they would have fares, not just fares,
25:52they'd have bonfires on the ice.
25:54Those crazy cockneys.
25:56Yes.
25:57I don't hope that they could guarantee...
25:58Light a fire up.
25:59Yeah.
25:59It's freezing.
26:01Let's light a fire on the river on the ice.
26:03What could possibly go wrong?
26:05Well, the odd thing is...
26:06It's cold on the ice, isn't it?
26:08Yes.
26:09Let's light a fire and drill holes.
26:12But the odd thing is, nothing did go wrong, because it was so thick, the ice.
26:16The last frost fair, as they were called, was in 1813-14 on the frozen River Thames.
26:21Wow.
26:21But anyway, this century we've had more white Christmases, as we know,
26:24but only four in the entire 20th century, and only two in our lifetimes.
26:29More in Scotland.
26:30I'm really being very metrocentric here, and I apologise for that.
26:33But that's just the fact of the matter.
26:34So, describe a typical snowflake.
26:38Er...
26:38Six-sided.
26:39No, it is an odd misconception that people have, that snowflakes have two properties.
26:44One is that they're hexagonal six-sided.
26:45They're cold, they're made of snow.
26:47No, that is true.
26:48Yeah.
26:48I'm talking about the common fallacies.
26:51Oh, right.
26:51The fallacies are...
26:52Well, try and describing a typical snowflake, Stephen.
26:55Yeah.
26:56Oh, bless.
26:57I'm sorry.
26:58I didn't mean to slap you down.
26:59It's like, oh, I feel like puppies run into a mirror.
27:07I'm sorry.
27:11Another misconception about them is not just they're six-sided, but they're always...
27:15Falling from the sky.
27:18Those are all accurate.
27:19Symmetrical.
27:20Symmetrical, and they're not, exactly.
27:22Um...
27:22Yes, they're neither...
27:24They can be like this.
27:25They can be needle-shaped.
27:26They could...
27:27Those are, I mean, with little square, little ends on the end.
27:29But the fact is, it's just photographers have found that people are incredibly drawn to beautiful,
27:35um, hexagonal ones.
27:37And they're the ones that a school child learns about, and they are mistakenly told that that's
27:42what all snowflakes like.
27:43So, there we are.
27:44Er...
27:45You can, however, make artificial snowflakes.
27:47Now, I'm now going to bamboozle and astound you with my tray of delights.
27:50Here we are.
27:51It's an ordinary tray.
27:53Oh.
27:53I've got here water.
27:55And I have...
27:56Cookie?
27:57Er...
27:57No, it's not.
27:58It's just...
28:00It's just a dry powder.
28:01It's called sodium polyacrylate.
28:03And it is found in an...
28:05What you might call an ordinary...
28:06Custard.
28:06What you might call an ordinary household object.
28:10Er...
28:11I'm holding up here, for the first time in my life, a nappy.
28:14And if I rip this open under the cotton wool, if I just sort of give a little bit of
28:19a rub here,
28:20you might just see in my hand, there's some of this...
28:23Can you see it there?
28:24Yeah.
28:24Yep.
28:25Some of this powder.
28:25And this powder is so extraordinary, it can take on water two to three hundred times its
28:31mass.
28:31And absorb it.
28:33Which is why these work so well.
28:34And to prove it, here's all this water being poured into here.
28:38And you will see, it actually takes the whole lot in it, like that.
28:44All of this, here, is dry.
28:49It's dry and it's cold.
28:51Erm...
28:52And er...
28:53It's completely dry.
28:55Now this is incredibly useful.
28:56We have a leading company in Britain that does something better than anyone else in the film business.
29:02And that is, they make...
29:03Guess what?
29:04Artificial snow.
29:05And the company's name is, not surprisingly, Snow Business.
29:09And they make 40, 50, 60 types of different snow this company makes.
29:13And one of them uses this same chemical effect.
29:16It is rather remarkable.
29:17It's completely dry.
29:19And that's in nappies.
29:19That's in nappies.
29:19And that's in nappies.
29:20That's what absorbs the amount of...
29:23If you see nappies all over beaches and in the ocean, I'm surprised you can't walk to France by then.
29:29It would be like babies would be like the Incredible Hulk and just burst it out of their clothes, wouldn't
29:33they?
29:34I agree.
29:35It sort of puffs it up a bit.
29:36But it stays dry.
29:37But did you like your little chemistry lesson?
29:39Lovely.
29:40Oh, hooray.
29:40Thank you very much.
29:45Well...
29:46So...
29:47Anyway, what's the best thing to do with your old Christmas tree?
29:51Ah.
29:52Yes.
29:52I just...
29:53I put mine back in the spare room.
29:57Erm...
29:58I do.
29:59And I just...
29:59It's still fully decorated.
30:01Oh, so you have an artificial one.
30:03I just unplug it.
30:03Of course.
30:04Oh, I see.
30:05I just unplug it and then put it all in.
30:07So in my...
30:08In my spare room, it's always Christmas.
30:10Oh.
30:12Well, imagine if it was a real tree rather than an artificial one.
30:16Right.
30:16Sell it to Africans.
30:17Because they're called to Bob Diloff.
30:19They don't know when it's Christmas.
30:20And you eat it up.
30:21As soon as you sign here, you wouldn't know.
30:24So, ooh, there's a tree when you finish with it.
30:26But when you finish with it, it's too late.
30:28It won't be Christmas.
30:28No, they don't know, do they?
30:30Do you know when it's January?
30:32Yeah, but do they know it's Christmas title?
30:34No.
30:34No, I don't know.
30:34And so pounding the felony.
30:36But it's rather pleasing.
30:37It's actually possibly the best thing you could think of doing it.
30:40Give it to a zoo.
30:42There are animals that would love it.
30:44In Germany, they do this regularly.
30:46Yeah, elephants.
30:48Elephants love it.
30:49An elephant can have five Christmas trees for lunch.
30:52Five Christmas trees.
30:54Giraffes, rhinos, at Dresden Zoo, camel, deer, sheep also enjoy it.
30:59So, before London Zoo writes me a letter saying,
31:03what the hell have you done, Stephen?
31:06The entire Regent's Park is covered.
31:09Ring up the zoo first and ask if they'd like your Christmas tree.
31:12But as long as it isn't too covered in hideous bits of silver tinsel,
31:15you've got rid of all the nastiness.
31:17How much cuter that elephant would look if it had a little bit of tinsel on it?
31:21It might look cuter, but I don't think it's nutritively valuable for it.
31:25You know what tinsel is?
31:27Mirrors for snakes.
31:31That's rather sweet.
31:33Would you think that your artificial tree is more environmentally friendly
31:38or is a real tree more environmentally friendly?
31:42I would think artificial, but you're probably going to tell me I'm wrong.
31:46No, it has been a moot point, but it's generally now agreed that,
31:50in fact, it is better to buy a real tree for the environment.
31:53They can be mulched, and if they have their roots, they can be replanted.
31:56There is evidence of some chemicals being emitted by plastic ones.
32:00Also, conifers have fungi on their roots that support the soil ecosystem,
32:04and while they're growing, they support bird life and also improve the soil.
32:08So in the end, you're better off buying a real one.
32:10But if I had a real one, I'd still leave it decorated in my spirit.
32:14Fair enough!
32:15I can't bear people who do that on boxing, though.
32:18Sometimes you go out boxing the other day after, and there's trees outside people's houses.
32:22That's not the spirit.
32:236th of January.
32:24There you go.
32:2412th night.
32:25Is it?
32:26Is it?
32:26Yes.
32:27Because that's always a perennial argument.
32:28It's the 6th, is it?
32:29Yes, 12th night.
32:30Oh, okay.
32:31Yes.
32:31Because we do it on the 5th, and that's why I've had no luck.
32:33Well, no.
32:35Ah.
32:35Ah.
32:36Ah.
32:36Is it midnight on the 5th, or is it?
32:39Oh, hell.
32:40Now you've got me worried.
32:41Oh, the chat rooms will be ablaze now.
32:46That's the 5th.
32:47Right.
32:48If you include Christmas night, that's one.
32:50What?
32:51Oh, hell.
32:52Oh, God.
32:5326, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
32:59Bang.
33:01There you go.
33:01That's the 7th night, then.
33:06I've gone round once.
33:07I've gone round once.
33:10Get your socks off.
33:11I'll pay that away.
33:11I'll pay that away.
33:12Get your socks off.
33:12Get your socks off.
33:13It's the only way I'll believe you.
33:15I think the jury's still out.
33:17Anyway, we're going to have a quickfire round now.
33:18It's all about Jesus, because it isn't just about eggnog and tinsel.
33:21So, fingers on buzzers, what did Jesus' mum call him?
33:25Uh, yes?
33:26Uh, shiny.
33:27Shiny.
33:29She might have called him shiny.
33:30The pearls!
33:32Joe Jr.
33:34But in Tracer, basically, yes.
33:36There is a name that he had.
33:38Jesus, the name that we have called Jesus.
33:42That's a Greek version of a Hebrew name, which is also used as a name given to people in Britain.
33:48Dave.
33:49No.
33:54To what I will do, I'll give you points.
33:58If you can tell me why there are so many begats, so-and-so begat, so-and-so begat, until
34:03they come to Joseph in the opening gospels, who are they trying to prove that Christ was descended from?
34:09Oh, Abraham.
34:10Dave!
34:11Yes, David!
34:12Yes, David!
34:12Yes!
34:13That was the answer that would have been Dave.
34:15And that's an Abraham.
34:16Give it to me on a plate!
34:18On a plate!
34:19I gave it to you on a plate.
34:20Yes, he was descended from Dave.
34:22But his real name was Yeshua, which is, in fact, Joshua.
34:26He was Joshua.
34:27His name was Yeshua.
34:28His mother would have called him Yeshua or Joshua.
34:31So, that's one.
34:32Okay, very good.
34:33Where is the world's tallest statue of Jesus?
34:36Oh.
34:37Hmm.
34:38Is it the statue?
34:39The statue height or how?
34:41The actual, simply, tallest statue of Jesus.
34:44I'm going to guess Rio de Janeiro.
34:46Oh, dear, no say, isn't there?
34:48We all know that one, Christopher Dentor, the famous one there.
34:51The tall one?
34:51It's a tall one.
34:52It is.
34:52Gosh, it's tall.
34:53Don't get me wrong.
34:55But...
34:56You're close!
34:58America.
34:59No.
35:00There's an even taller one in Bolivia, but that's not the tallest either.
35:03The actual tallest one is in Poland.
35:05Oh.
35:06Can you believe?
35:07In Svebodzin.
35:08I'm sure I pronounced that wrong.
35:09There it is.
35:10It's 33 metres tall, one metre for each year of Christ's life.
35:13Plus a three metre crown.
35:15If the crown wasn't on that, the one in Bolivia would be the tallest.
35:19So.
35:20Now.
35:20How many people did Jesus feed at the feeding of the 5,000?
35:29Yes, go on.
35:304,998, cos there was a couple who were a bit suspicious.
35:35I don't like fish.
35:40Oh, no, I guess creeps on scaly.
35:42Oh, no, no, no.
35:43Can I just have toast?
35:44Well, nothing for me then.
35:46I will quote you Matthew 14, 21.
35:48The number of those who ate was 5,000 men besides women and children.
35:53Oh.
35:54Why don't we count?
35:56It's the Bible.
35:58Women get stoned just for looking at people in a long way.
36:02Very different time.
36:02I'm afraid it's not fair or right or just and I agree with you.
36:05It's horrible.
36:06It was...
36:10I'm with you.
36:13It was known as the miracle of the five loaves and two fishes.
36:16However, how many were there at the feeding of the 4,000?
36:19Oh.
36:204,000 men?
36:21I...
36:24Well, I think this is a separate one, a separate feeding.
36:27Oh.
36:27Cos you've got the 5,000 in Matthew and the 4,000.
36:30This one, he fed 4,000 men plus the women and children again.
36:34And that's called the miracle of the seven loaves and fishes.
36:37I've never heard of that.
36:37So...
36:39So he was a caterer?
36:41Yes.
36:44But how many disciples did Jesus have?
36:46Oh, here we go.
36:47Yeah.
36:48Christmas, be nice.
36:50Yeah.
36:5012.
36:5112.
36:51Oh.
36:54No, no.
36:56Again, we looked at the Gospel of Luke here.
36:58He had 72.
37:01He basically had a posse.
37:03Was it just...
37:04Was it 12 men and the rest of all women?
37:09No, no.
37:10After this, the Lord appointed 72...
37:11He got the 12, he appointed 72 others
37:13and sent them two by two ahead of him
37:15to every town and place where he was about to go.
37:17The 12 most famous of his disciples are, of course, the Apostles.
37:21Okay.
37:22Now, it's time to pull our Christmas crackers
37:24and we've decided, you know, the jokes are always terrible, aren't they?
37:28So we wondered, is it because we tell them the wrong way round?
37:32And what you should have is the punchline for the joke.
37:36Not the joke.
37:38Not the joke.
37:38We want you to work out the joke from the punchline.
37:41There's no toy.
37:42You had a toy when you dropped it.
37:44It was a paper clip.
37:45Paper clip.
37:46Ah, look, look, I can do an impression.
37:48Hang on.
37:48We've got an impression.
37:50Look, I'm in Poland.
37:53Oh, my God.
37:54Oh, my God.
38:00Oh, my God.
38:00All right, have you found a joke?
38:02Danny.
38:03Mine just says, that's not funny.
38:04I don't know if it's a note from the producer of the show here.
38:08It's such hard, isn't it?
38:09What the joke is?
38:10A limerick.
38:11When the government ran out of money and things looked real bleak and not sunny, we all had
38:19a bash using these jokes as cash, but the Germans said, that's not funny.
38:35It's a lot better than your real joke, which is how many feminists does it take to change
38:39the lightbulb?
38:40That's not funny.
38:41Do you know how many Freudians it takes to change the lightbulb?
38:44No, go on.
38:45It takes one to screw in the lightbulb and the other to hold the cock.
38:47Father, lava!
38:58That's brilliant.
39:00Anyway, so, Phil, what's your punchline?
39:03My punchline is subordinate clauses.
39:06Wow.
39:07What can the joke be?
39:08And the joke is, what is a sadomasochistic Santa Claus' favourite thing?
39:14Oh, well, that's not bad.
39:16The real answer is what you call Santa's little helpers.
39:20Subordinate clauses.
39:22Oh.
39:23Oh.
39:25Okay, Sarah, your turn.
39:27What's your punchline?
39:28My punchline is the trifle tower.
39:30Oh.
39:31You might be able to guess this particular joke.
39:33What's the joke?
39:34The only reason I went to bloody Paris.
39:37Exactly.
39:38That would do it.
39:39What's tall and wobbly and is in Paris?
39:41Me.
39:42When I went to Paris.
39:42Oh, no, no, no.
39:46It's not that tall, actually.
39:47Alan, we haven't had yours, have we?
39:49Well, mine says that, um, eat, drink and be merry.
39:52Eat, drink and be merry.
39:53What do you think the joke is?
39:54What did Jesus' mum do on Christmas Day or something?
39:58No, it's, what does a transvestite do on Christmas Day?
40:04Eat, drink and be merry.
40:08It's, um, it's a little bit racy for a cracker.
40:12It is racy.
40:12Okay, here's a punchline.
40:14She issues a royal pardon.
40:17Oh.
40:17Oh, what does the Queen do when she farts?
40:19Yes.
40:20It is burps, but, er, I'll accept it.
40:24Here's one, 24 days.
40:27Is that, how many days' worth of chocolate do you eat when you first buy an advent calendar?
40:34It's very close.
40:36Is it?
40:37It's what did the man who stole an advent calendar get?
40:40Ah.
40:4024 days.
40:41Yeah, it is.
40:43Um.
40:44That's good.
40:45Yeah.
40:46Oh, oh.
40:51Alright.
40:53The thing is, I can't actually get these off.
40:57Can I see?
40:57I can see everything.
40:59Good.
41:02We've got one more punchline.
41:04It's very good cold on Boxing Day, too.
41:08Turkey.
41:09No.
41:12Remember, a puppy isn't just for Christmas.
41:16Ah.
41:17Oh.
41:18That's a bit sick, isn't it?
41:20Oh, that's horrible.
41:20What's wrong with you?
41:24Imagine Delia cooking puppies for Christmas.
41:29Well, we've got something different this year.
41:33Anyway, our slaves have finally hit the buffers, and it remains only for me to try and pick a winner
41:37from the wreckage,
41:39and it's quite remarkable.
41:41The clear winner with four points, Danny Christmas Baker.
41:45Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
41:47Hoo, ho, ho, ho.
41:48What the love at one and all.
41:50Love at one and all.
41:52Ho, ho.
41:54Ho, ho, ho, ho.
41:59Ho, ho, ho, ho.
42:09And Sarah...
42:10Riding away at the ledger, shivering with little coal and feeling that it isn't very Christmassy at all, on minus
42:1732, Phil Jupiters.
42:25But with a staggering minus 38, it's Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Davis.
42:40So that's all from Sarah, Danny, Phil, Alan and me, and a very, very happy and a quite, quite interesting
42:46Christmas to you all.
42:48Good night.
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