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00:00This country is at war with Germany.
00:11President Kennedy and Governor John Colony were shot today.
00:15A South Africa without a party will be a better home for all.
00:20We met all the kids than Jesus did.
00:23Tear down this wall.
00:26The ladies, not for Turkey.
00:28America has its first black president.
00:32I'm Alan Partridge and this is Mid-Morning Matters.
00:40North, North, North, Digital.
00:50Well now, would you look at that?
00:52The Jeffers and the Vara, half of the war, I'm here.
00:56Love it, love it.
00:57It's not actually top of the morning, it's mid-morning, you great Irish loony.
01:02Not actually an Irish loony.
01:04It's the dulcet tones of local voiceover artist John Meeber.
01:08We'd get him in, but he's housebound.
01:10Had the downstairs loo converted to a sound booth with an ISDN line installed in 2000.
01:15Today we're talking forced celebrity breeding.
01:19If you could take two famous people and force them to mate, who would it be and why?
01:23Line two, we have Duncan in Beckles.
01:26Hello, Duncan.
01:26Hello, Alan.
01:28I'd go for Stephen Hawking and Pamela Anderson.
01:30Then you'd create a beautiful genius.
01:33Ab, what a lovely idea.
01:35Or a disabled lifeguard.
01:38Oh, yeah.
01:41Oh God, yeah.
01:42Yeah.
01:43And I'll tell you something, Duncan, you wouldn't be able to sack them.
01:45Not these days.
01:46I actually saw you in a petrol station, Alan, about a year ago.
01:49Did you?
01:50Yeah, you looked quite angry.
01:52But you had brand new jeans on.
01:56Bye.
01:57Bye.
02:01That was When Smokey Sings from ABC.
02:05We know the rest.
02:06It's the alphabet.
02:08Webcam voyeurs.
02:09Hello.
02:10You may be aware that I'm sitting in the presence of a blonde specimen of the human race
02:16who you may not recognise her face, but you will certainly be familiar with her torso,
02:23which has graced this booth when I have been presented with various mugs of tea-age
02:28and biscuitoire, courtesy of Dutchie Originals.
02:34Anyway, without further ado, what I'm trying to do is introduce you to the feisty filly, actually.
02:40I'm starting to realise that is Zoe Scott.
02:45Great to have you on the team, Zoe.
02:46Lovely to be your new sidekick, Alan.
02:48What?
02:48I'm not sure if I could say sidekick.
02:49I'm probably more like a co-DJ.
02:53OK.
02:53Actually, I am the DJ.
02:55What should we call you?
02:56A banter jockey.
02:58Yeah.
02:59A BJ.
03:00That sounds a bit rude.
03:03You're a breath of fresh air.
03:05You really are.
03:08And the same time tomorrow, it's the semi-finals of our religious debating competition, Creed Crunch,
03:13which sees last year's winner, Islam, face Hinduism after the Hindus knocked out Christianity in the quarters.
03:20Should be a lot of fun.
03:21Please, please, can we not have crowds amassing outside the radio station,
03:25burning not-very-well-made papier-mâché effigies of me?
03:29And Steve Doran, for some reason.
03:33The weatherman.
03:34Yeah.
03:34I think this is like the sound of his voice.
03:37OK.
03:37Here's The Weather with Steve Doran.
03:39The Weather, sponsored by Turner's Kitchen Solutions.
03:44The Weather with Steve Doran.
04:14Welcome, Polly.
04:15Hi, Ellen.
04:16So, if you just try and enjoy it, and we try and keep the conversation quite informal.
04:20Yeah, but not too informal.
04:22I mean, it's not Nigel Pinson's In-Depth, but neither is it Wally Banter's Junkbox.
04:28OK.
04:29All right, fine.
04:30And also, Polly, if there's any gaps in the conversation or in your responses,
04:35then Zoe or I will jump in.
04:37Yeah, like Polly filler.
04:39Polly filler.
04:39Yeah, very good.
04:41So, you're quite clever.
04:42I do OK.
04:43Yeah, you do, don't you?
04:46OK, let's do it.
04:49You listen to MMM with AP.
04:50I'm joined by agony aunt Polly Maplin.
04:52Hello, Polly.
04:53Hi, Ellen.
04:53Those of you who are familiar with the Norfolk Herald will know that Polly is both wise and
04:59kind.
05:01A kind of no-nonsense shaman for North Norfolk.
05:07Our first caller wishes to remain anonymous, which in my experience means it should be a
05:12cracker.
05:13Hello?
05:14Oh, hi, Ellen.
05:15Hi, Polly.
05:16Hello, darling.
05:17I just want to...
05:18Hello, Zoe.
05:19Oh, sorry.
05:20Hi, Zoe.
05:21Hi.
05:24Go ahead.
05:27I've had a really tough year.
05:29An Anus Heribolus.
05:31Some people think that's Latin for irritable bowel syndrome.
05:34It's actually Latin for just the Queen's sad year.
05:39Go on.
05:39Go on, my love.
05:41Okay.
05:42I'm a bit frightened of my husband.
05:46He has a temper, and I know he's been abusive in previous relationships, and he's recently
05:52started to behave that way towards me.
05:56But it's difficult, because I know he's been under stress at work.
06:00Can I just interrupt you?
06:01I'm sorry, I didn't catch her name.
06:03She's anonymous.
06:04You can call her what you like.
06:05Sissy.
06:07Listen to me, darling.
06:08It's never, ever acceptable for a man to be abusive.
06:13Ever.
06:14Can I just clarify something?
06:15Sissy, your husband, did he hit you, or was it just a shove?
06:21Why the distinction?
06:22I don't follow.
06:23I'm just...
06:23I'm on your side.
06:25I know it's absolutely no longer acceptable to give your spouse a fat lip or a thick ear,
06:31and hasn't been acceptable since 1978, even in Scotland.
06:36Um, but a shove...
06:40A shove is absolutely not acceptable.
06:43Okay.
06:44I don't mean it's a thorn bush, or a skip full of broken fluorescent tubing.
06:48I mean, just, you know, in the corridor, onto the carpet.
06:52No.
06:53Abuse is abuse.
06:54I mean, it doesn't even have to be physical.
06:56It could just be something like shouting in the car, or...
07:00Well, hang on.
07:00I mean, are you saying that in the early 80s, when I was giving my wife driving lessons,
07:05and I said,
07:06Jesus, there's a kid, you dozy cow, that you're saying that's abuse, whereas I simply think
07:12I was trying to save the life of a child.
07:15Next caller.
07:18So, a quick email here from Samantha, who says that she has fat arms.
07:23Oh, oh, Samantha.
07:25I mean, a lot of people, so many of you have a fixation with physical perfection these days.
07:30It's because we're bombarded with images of size zero models, an impossible ideal to attain.
07:36It is, absolutely.
07:38Samantha, I'm sure your arms are absolutely fine.
07:41She's got an attachment here.
07:44Oh, my God, they are vast.
07:47Wow.
07:48Alan.
07:49That's...
07:50You've got a lovely face, Samantha.
07:52She's got a lovely face.
07:54No.
07:55I've got to send this to Jonathan Ross.
07:57OK, and, yeah, we've got a letter here from Lucinda.
08:01Lucinda says,
08:02I'm 45, but I'm going out with a 23-year-old man.
08:06We clicked straight away, but although he's very affectionate, we're yet to make love,
08:10and he cannot maintain an erection, and I'm worried it's my fault.
08:15What shall I do?
08:16Well, it's actually very common in younger men, much more so than people realise.
08:20Yeah, yeah.
08:21I mean, these young men look all well and good in the underpant adverts,
08:26but when they hit the hay...
08:28It's a failure to launch.
08:30Yeah, I like it.
08:31Zoe, come in here.
08:32What do young women make of it all these days?
08:35Well, I suppose it comes down to confidence, really, doesn't it?
08:39Because I think a younger man can be a bit too eager to please.
08:41They end up sort of at sixes and sevens.
08:45And then an older man, you know, with some experience,
08:48is perhaps a bit more at ease with himself.
08:50And, of course, we're very fortunate these days.
08:52We have Viagra.
08:53Yeah, but although do not exceed the state of dose.
08:57So, you've suffered from that, have you, Ellen?
08:59No, no, no, no, no.
09:03Well, a lot of men have.
09:05I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
09:07All right, all right, all right, once.
09:09But that was only because I'd already commenced foreplay
09:12when I remembered I hadn't renewed my tax disc.
09:15But once I put a quick call into the DVLA,
09:19lovemaking could begin in anger.
09:21I think it's all about making sure the conditions are right,
09:25getting the mood right, the atmosphere.
09:28Oh, sure.
09:29I mean, I'm not going to be embarrassed about this,
09:33seeing as we're trying to be grown up about this.
09:35There have been times when I've been more rubbery than turgid.
09:39I mean, you can't just summon up tumescence like room service.
09:47Yeah, and, you know, I think it's partly down to the woman
09:50to sort of help set the mood, a little help, man relax.
09:54Absolutely.
09:54Thank you, thank you.
09:55I mean, it's all about mood.
09:57Take the phone off the hook.
09:59Mm-hm.
09:59Put on some easy listening, carpenters, Enya,
10:04and, of course, make sure the heating's on.
10:09OK.
10:10Got another email here from Paul in Swatham
10:14on forced celebrity breeding.
10:16This one is Kylie Minogue and David Dickinson
10:20to make an oompa-loompa.
10:23Absolutely.
10:24Minogue provides the size,
10:26Dickinson provides the requisite skin tone and expression.
10:30Let's have some Alison Moyet.
10:34OK, and now it's time for more forced celebrity breeding.
10:37I've got Ibrahim on line one.
10:39I was hoping to speak to Polly, actually.
10:43Now, Polly's nipped out, I'm afraid.
10:45Oh, OK.
10:46Uh, it's just I've been going out with this girl
10:49for, like, eight months now,
10:51and she suddenly told me she doesn't love me anymore.
10:54All I could do was speaking to Polly.
10:55Yeah, Polly's nipped out, mate, I did say.
10:58Yeah, but do you fancy some forced celebrity breeding instead?
11:01It's kind of fun.
11:02Uh, no, no, you don't understand.
11:04I really love this woman,
11:06and without her, my life is empty.
11:10I think the time has come for me to end it.
11:14I'll get Polly.
11:16OK, hey, listen, stay calm.
11:19Uh, Abraham.
11:20Abraham.
11:21I know what you're going through.
11:24Really? How can you?
11:25Um, I'd just do.
11:27That said, if I could just do the traffic update.
11:32It says we're contractually bound,
11:34and it is nearly quarter past.
11:36Oh, forget about it. Don't worry.
11:38Well, OK, all right, all right, I won't do it.
11:40I won't do it.
11:40You don't understand, do you?
11:42I do!
11:42I'll tell you something, OK?
11:43So I'll tell you something I've never told anyone before.
11:47In summer 1980,
11:49I was on a country road,
11:53and I was distracted by the Moscow Olympic boycott
11:57when I slipped on some shit
11:58and crashed into a horse.
12:01Um, I was driving a car at the time,
12:03I must add that.
12:04A horse?
12:05Yes, I felt helpless.
12:07I'd, um, shattered, um, both its legs.
12:11Well, two of them.
12:12It had four.
12:13I didn't know what to do.
12:15In the end, after phoning the RSPCA
12:18and putting on a Scottish accent,
12:20I simply abandoned it.
12:23And I, I wandered home, you know,
12:26past the, uh,
12:28slow-moving eastbound traffic on the A47.
12:31Sponsored by Castrol.
12:33Are you doing the traffic report?
12:37Yeah.
12:38I'm spinning plates here, mate, I'll be honest.
12:42Polly, thank goodness.
12:43I've got a sad Arab on line three.
12:46Hello, Ibrahim.
12:48Polly here, my love.
12:49How can I help you?
12:50Oh, Polly, thank you.
12:51It's my girlfriend.
12:54She told me she doesn't love me anymore,
12:56and I'm thinking of ending the relationship.
12:58Well?
12:59Wait, you're not going to kill yourself?
13:01No, of course I'm not going to kill myself.
13:03Mate, if I'd known that,
13:04I would have never told you about my equicide.
13:07Thanks a lot, Abraham.
13:09Ibrahim.
13:10I've got a letter here from, from Katie in Kings Lynn.
13:14Um, she says that her grandmother died over a year ago,
13:17but she's finding it hard to move on,
13:19and she still cries every day.
13:20Oh, well, Katie, you, you must remember, my darling,
13:24that there's nothing wrong with crying.
13:26Nothing wrong with crying.
13:27Nothing wrong with crying.
13:29I sometimes cry in the shower.
13:30That way you don't know if it's hot water or tears.
13:33It wouldn't be much good to her, though, if, uh, if she takes baths.
13:36No, you can cry underwater.
13:38As long as you can hold your breath.
13:39I find 30-second bursts are, uh, more than, uh, ample for the problems I encounter.
13:44What sort of problems do you encounter?
13:47Uh, I use short-burst underwater crying for lots of things.
13:53Like, say, when I think about the dog I had when I was 11.
13:58Oh, what was he called?
14:03Barney.
14:05Barney the dog.
14:06And what sort of dog was he?
14:08He was a Jack Russell.
14:10He could balance footballs on the end of his nose.
14:14Buried him in the back garden.
14:17Were you alone?
14:19People offered to help, but I wanted to do it by myself.
14:22This is Visage.
14:24Fade to grey.
14:29Spanning the length of the alphabet from A to Z, it's Alan and Zoe.
14:34But mainly Alan.
14:36Hmm.
14:37You listen to Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge and my little pocket ray of sunshine, Zoe Scott.
14:42Speaking of sunshine, Alan, have you treated yourself to a sunbed last night?
14:46No.
14:46What about a spray tan?
14:49Um...
14:50I don't think so.
14:52Morning.
14:54Morning, everyone.
14:55You're listening to M-M-M with Z-S and A-P or Z-A-P.
14:58You've got such a lovely, engaging way with people.
15:03You really have.
15:05Seriously, it really is very commendable.
15:07OK, today's...
15:08So, coming up, we've got...
15:09We're like an old married cocky.
15:16Yeah, pretty soon we'll be bickering all the time, you know, you'll be drinking too much.
15:19Hey, yeah, and then you'll get jealous of my career and run off with a fitness instructor.
15:24No thanks, been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
15:27That's why she got the T-shirt, got the shirt off her back, really did.
15:31Fucking witch.
15:35Well, I just found that when she strayed from historical fact into the realms of conjecture,
15:39I was all too aware of the author's hand, you know, and that took me out of the story.
15:44Apart from that, I thought it was a very good first effort.
15:47Yeah, I've got to say, I'm a little surprised, Crispin.
15:49I found that Mantle's main characters are scorchingly well-rendered.
15:55And their sharp-clawed machinations are presented with non-stop verve in a book
15:59that can compress a wealth of incisiveness into a very few well-chosen words.
16:04That's just word for word what it says on the back of the book.
16:06That's my book of the week.
16:08That's Henry Mantle's Wolf Hall.
16:11Oh!
16:11Can't wait to get my teeth into that.
16:15It sounds great.
16:16Oh, do you know what?
16:17If I'd known you were going to wear that kind of, this kind of pink,
16:19I mean, I know enough about colour, so that this pink clashes with that pink.
16:22Correct?
16:22It's not clash.
16:23It's just not quite the same.
16:24This is raspberry, definitely.
16:25How would you describe that?
16:26I would say that's like strawberries and cream.
16:28It is like, it's like ice strawberry, it's like a strawberry milkshake.
16:32Yes, it is.
16:32I would drink you dry.
16:34I would drink you dry.
16:40Very good.
16:41I'm down to your boots.
16:47Oh, God.
16:54Can I have another?
16:55I'm still thirsty.
16:57Alan, you do really remind me of my dad.
17:00You know, you'd really like him.
17:01Well, I love dads.
17:04I am a dad.
17:06I've got a dad.
17:07Well, I had a dad.
17:08What was he like?
17:10What was he like, my dad?
17:11I remember one birthday, he brought me this big red cake in the shape of...
17:17Space rocket?
17:20No.
17:21Train?
17:22Football?
17:22No.
17:23No, it was a rectangle.
17:25And I remember he came up and said, delivery for Mr. Partridge.
17:31I was so excited.
17:33I banged into the table and, oops, the cake went everywhere.
17:37And my dad walked up to me in his blue 60s drainpipe suit with a red bow tie he insisted
17:43on wearing and he said, um, he said, you will never amount to anything.
17:48He said, you're that to me.
17:50Imagine saying that to a seven-year-old kid.
17:53Alan, that's terrible.
17:54That's not the end of the story.
17:55Cos as he turned round to storm off, he slipped on the cake, legs went flying, banged his head
18:00and he needed 11 stitches.
18:02And I was glad.
18:04This is a little itty-bitty of scritty-palitty.
18:09What you got on your iPod, Zoe?
18:11Uh, I have got a bit of Mumford and Sons, a bit of Kings of Leon.
18:15Do you like Kate Bush?
18:17It's all right.
18:18All right, she's got more talent than a little finger than I've got on my entire arms.
18:22Um, it's the sheer versatility of her lyrics.
18:27Uh, yeah, I'll give you an EG.
18:29EG.
18:30Oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes.
18:35That could be, uh, oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes.
18:41Um, oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes.
18:46It's a little account one.
18:47Yeah, I like it.
18:48Um, oh, he's here again.
18:52The man with the child in his eyes.
18:57Um, or, uh, oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes.
19:01Okay, um, but how do you think she actually meant it?
19:05Um, oh, he's here again.
19:13The man with the child in his eyes.
19:16That one was about you, Alan.
19:23This is Terry Jacks.
19:24She's in the sun.
19:30Alan, I was thinking about you last night.
19:32Oh.
19:33Oh.
19:33Are you sure this isn't something we should be discussing over dinner?
19:37Do you remember, we got onto the subject of boots and you had never heard of Uggs.
19:42Well, I don't know what the young people are wearing these days.
19:46I'm over 40, for goodness sakes.
19:48Um, I, you know, I mean, I thought you were talking caveman language.
19:53Ooga, booga, looga.
19:54Or some sort of witch doctor voodoo sort of, ooh, booga, booga, me mend lady leg with blood
20:00from monkey and milk from another monkey.
20:04Oh, well, time for traffic and travel.
20:10Traffic and travel with Bulldog Conservatories.
20:14Oh, God.
20:15Oh, I got this, I got this, um, dinner I was supposed to be having with this boring but very important friend of mine
20:24who's, uh, he, yeah, he's got the whole of the franchise for the Norfolk Range Rover dealership, uh, and Cambridge for his sins.
20:37Uh, by the way, if you ever want to borrow a Range Rover, uh, give me six months notice and I can organise it like that.
20:43Great.
20:44Uh, no charge.
20:45I mean, just, yeah, uh, don't take it outside mainland UK or exceed 500 miles, bring it back with a full tank.
20:52And, uh, obviously, you know, organise your own insurance.
20:55You're over 25.
20:56Yeah.
20:56Well, that's what I said.
20:57I said she's over 25.
20:58I said she looks younger.
20:59But she's, uh, she's over 25.
21:01Um, so, yeah, just, you know, apart from that, fill your hugs.
21:07What did you want it for again?
21:09I don't.
21:11Oh, yeah, yeah, it was my idea, wasn't it?
21:12Um, top up.
21:14Ah, uh, yes, fill your, well, I said that well, fill your mugs.
21:19Very good.
21:22Yeah, he's, he's, yeah, he's, like I say, he's just, he's a big, he's a big cheese poo in a, you know, a, in a pond, in a small pond, whatever, a big cheese in a small pond, isn't it?
21:31Big, big fish.
21:32Oh, a big fish, not cheese.
21:33What's wrong with you, you nutter?
21:36Ooh, again.
21:37Yeah, again, two, two suicides.
21:40Um.
21:40Busy day.
21:41Yeah, a busy day.
21:42Uh, yeah, you, you really are like a breath of fresh air, Zoe.
21:46You're honest to God.
21:47I mean, I, you could come in here in the morning with a bulb of garlic stuffed in your mouth,
21:53two cloves in your ears, two stuffed up your nose, and, no, just that, and you'd still have a breath of fresh air.
22:01Alan, if I wanted to ward off vampires, just use my crucifix.
22:04Alan, I'd just drive a steak through your heart.
22:08You already bloody have.
22:10You're carrying your own treatments across your stairs.
22:34It's goodbye from me.
22:45And cheerio from me.
22:47Uh, that's all from, uh, Zoe and Alan.
22:51Uh, on Midmorning Matters, when once again, midmorning mattered.
22:57Lovely.
22:57Lovely.
22:58I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you, I hear you.
23:04I just got a text from, um, my Range Rover guy.
23:08Mm-hmm.
23:09His wife, um, has broken a kneecap.
23:13Oh, God.
23:13I know.
23:14It's, uh, so I just, I, he just called me, you know, all at sixes and sevens, I said, just forget about the dinner.
23:20Um, I mean, high-powered, you know, mutually lucrative business meetings are one thing, but what's more important is looking after the people you love.
23:27Aw.
23:30Yeah.
23:31So, uh, so what are you going to do instead?
23:32Um, I, I'll just go home and finish off, um, reading, uh, The Lovely Bones.
23:39Yeah.
23:39It's, uh, it's a sad book, but it's sad in a, in a, in a sad way.
23:43You need a box of tissues by the bed.
23:45Already got a box of tissues by the bed.
23:47Aw, and do, do you ever just want to, you know, drop it all, just run off into the distance?
23:52I, I, I do sometimes have a fantasy where I just get on the next plane to the U.S.
23:58and I retrain as an air marshal.
24:01Yeah.
24:02Sometimes I think I'd love to see out my days, you know, traveling back and forth on, uh, U.S. domestic airlines whilst carrying a concealed firearm.
24:10Wow.
24:11What about you?
24:12Oh, totally.
24:13I mean, that, that's why I'm going traveling, you know.
24:15When?
24:16Monday.
24:17How long?
24:18Three months.
24:19Traveling Southeast Asia.
24:20Really?
24:21Mm.
24:22Ah.
24:23Oh, I'll write your postcard.
24:24You know, apparently the beaches are amazing.
24:26They've got their hearts.
24:27And you can just dive straight into the sea from your heart.
24:29Oh, they're splashing and splushing and working about an appetite for a, a breakfast fit for the man from Dolmont.
24:37It was basically a quality controller for a tinned food conglomerate.
24:40Yeah, and then seeing out the sunset with cocktails.
24:42Then curl up in a double-sized hammock and give each other a couple.
24:46Yeah, I'd probably, uh, actually go out clubbing because apparently those, those midnight raves, amazing.
24:51Actually, I've just realized, I've still got the reservation.
24:54Oh, my God.
24:55My flatmate's got my sunglasses, Alan.
24:56I'm really sorry.
24:57I've got a memory of seeing.
24:59Wow.
25:00Just realized, actually, I've still got a reservation at the restaurant.
25:05Um, maybe we just have a dine together?
25:09Well, my friends have just texted and they've set me up on some ridiculous blind dates of Dodson.
25:14Oh, right.
25:15So...
25:16Well, yes, like I say, maybe a loose end.
25:18That's all.
25:19A man with a child of heat.
25:21A human voice.
25:22A man with a child of love.
25:23Oh, my God.
25:24A man with a child of love.
25:34Oh, my God.
25:35I'm good.
25:48I don't know.
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