- 11 minutes ago
First broadcast 21st October 2005.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Sean Lock
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Rich Hall
Jo Brand
Sean Lock
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, hello, hello, hello. A very warm welcome to QI on this chilly autumn evening.
00:05Well, as a dog returns to its vomit and a washed sow goes back to wallowing in the mud,
00:11let's meet the team who can't leave well alone.
00:14Joe Brand.
00:18Sean Locke.
00:21Rich Hall.
00:23And Alan Davis.
00:30Well, the nights are drawing in, the weather's a disgrace,
00:34so tonight each guest has a seasonal buzzer. Let's hear them.
00:38Sean goes...
00:42Rich goes...
00:47Joe goes...
00:49And Alan goes...
00:58So, Joe,
00:59Can you smell the fear?
01:02Of course.
01:03Yeah?
01:04Hmm.
01:04What's it smell like to you?
01:05Jeremy Beagle.
01:08The only thing I'm scared of is pine cones.
01:10You know the ones with the little holes in?
01:12Yes.
01:12If I see a bansia cone on the floor, I have to look away,
01:15and if there's loads of them, I have to cover my eyes and just run off.
01:19That is an extraordinary phobia.
01:21Yeah.
01:22You'd probably smell the fear, but it'd be a pine-scented fear, wouldn't it?
01:25A pine-scented fear?
01:26Yeah, it might be a lovely pine freshness tip.
01:29I've got a phobia...
01:30Go on.
01:31...of axe-wielding psychopaths.
01:35The irrational fears that people have.
01:37I know.
01:37But she does live in South London, so...
01:41There's a reason I asked you and not the others.
01:43Because you're a lady girl.
01:45A lady girl?
01:47What you're saying is she's a Thai wrestler.
01:50It's...
01:52Quite interesting thing.
01:54Yes, go on.
01:54Lady mosquitoes bite you and suck your blood.
01:57That's true.
01:58Male mosquitoes, not quite so dangerous.
02:00True.
02:01Point?
02:02Well, you've made a point, but you don't have to get one.
02:07Women have been shown to be able to smell fear.
02:10What this Viennese man did, he was called Gramma, he made a lot of women watch films,
02:15some of which were horror films, and all of the women had pads under their arms.
02:19Then other women smelled all the pads, and they could identify without fail the pads of
02:25women who had been frightened, those who would...
02:27Are you sure this isn't just some soft porn?
02:29You'd think that.
02:30I know you would think that.
02:32I think fear smells like crab salad.
02:36So I went to this deli the other day, and I said, can I have a crab salad sandwich?
02:40And the woman said, we're all out of crab salad.
02:42I'm afraid.
02:53It seems that animals can smell each other's fear, but not the fear of another species.
02:58The idea that a horse can smell when a man or a woman is afraid is apparently not true.
03:02I had to handle a rabbit recently, and the longer I held it, the smellier it got.
03:08I think you might have been holding it a little bit too tight.
03:13So, now, our next question.
03:15What did Cat's Eyes Cunningham have for supper?
03:19It's a shot in the darkness.
03:21Was it chicken fajitas?
03:23So close.
03:25Is he the bloke who invented Cat's Eyes?
03:27No.
03:28Some sort of roadkill?
03:30No, that's a good thought.
03:32No, that was Percy Shaw, if you remember, who invented the Cat's Eyes.
03:35Is he a blues singer?
03:37No, it sounds like a blues singer.
03:38Yeah, but look at that clean cut, those features.
03:41So, where?
03:41It was a bomber command in the war.
03:43Not bomber command, but fighter.
03:46Ah, so he could see at night.
03:48Yes, hence Cat's Eyes.
03:49So, what did he eat?
03:50Carrots.
03:51In this country.
03:52Oh, dear.
03:54Oh, dear, oh, dear.
03:56Oh, dear.
03:58No, Cunningham did, in fact, shoot down the very first plane by night in 1940.
04:05Now, the reason was, not that he ate carrots, but that he had airborne radar.
04:10A, we wanted the Germans to think we didn't have such a clever weapon,
04:13and secondly, we wanted children to eat carrots.
04:16So, we told children that it was very good for your night vision.
04:19If you only eat carrots, you go yellow.
04:21And I know that because it happened in an episode of The District Nurse.
04:26The District Nerys.
04:28Oh, God bless Nerys.
04:29The family, and they were all yellow.
04:31Fantastic.
04:32She said, what did you have for breakfast?
04:34Carrots.
04:35He can guess the rest.
04:37Well, do you know there's a carrot museum in Belgium?
04:43No surprise.
04:44In East Belgium.
04:45In Berlotte, I think, is the name of the little town.
04:47And it's so small, you can't actually get into it.
04:50You have to look through a little window,
04:52and you turn a handle, and different carrots parade.
04:58This programme would be dangerously exciting to a Belgian, wouldn't it?
05:02A quite interesting point is that,
05:04do you know why children of about two,
05:07they go off vegetables?
05:08Do you know why?
05:09No, tell me.
05:09Because their taste buds develop,
05:13and everything tastes very bitter.
05:15And so most vegetables, like,
05:18not particularly carrots,
05:19but things like broccoli, all those green vegetables,
05:21they taste slightly bitter.
05:23And that's to stop them from getting poisoned,
05:25eating weird berries and stuff.
05:27No, there you are.
05:28Not funny.
05:29No, no, it's interesting for that.
05:30So that's, you are awarded.
05:32We get points just for being interesting.
05:34You do?
05:35For being quite interesting.
05:36Yeah, go on then.
05:38Yes.
05:39You see, not as easy as it seems.
05:41You know the, um,
05:44the guy who invented the Phillips head screw?
05:47His hair parted in four different sections.
05:52Excellent.
05:56Now, tell me if you can, team,
05:58uh, what makes a sound
06:00something like
06:01this?
06:10Is it a bee under a sink?
06:15Very good.
06:19I tell you what,
06:20you can hear
06:20the same thing
06:22giving off a different sound.
06:28It's for mothers and younger sons only.
06:32But see if you can,
06:35something Marco Polo heard
06:37and was astonished by.
06:39I'll play the first one again.
06:41Tattagoo-goo.
06:43Here's the first one.
06:47It's Marco Polo.
06:49Is it?
06:50I don't know what it is.
06:52It's a sand dunes desert.
06:53Yes!
06:54The sand dunes is absolutely right.
06:56Congratulations.
06:57Very good.
06:59Very good.
07:00Yep.
07:03Yes, they sounded like
07:04the spirits of, uh,
07:05the desert.
07:06Dead people,
07:06according to Marco Polo.
07:08Like drums,
07:08foghorns,
07:09trumpets,
07:09even a twin-engine jet plane
07:11to others.
07:12How do they make
07:13that grasshoppery noise
07:14afterwards?
07:15Well, it's,
07:16once a dune gets dry
07:18for about 35 degrees,
07:20it has to be,
07:20quite precisely,
07:21there's this 36 degrees
07:23into the start.
07:25You gave a little grin
07:27that just gave you away,
07:28but it was very impressive.
07:30Yeah, yeah,
07:30it's about 35,
07:3136 sometimes.
07:32Yeah, 35 or 36 degrees
07:33and the dry sand
07:35starts to fall
07:36when the wind
07:36comes from the right direction
07:38and the sand underneath
07:39begins to oscillate
07:40quite violently
07:41and it gives off
07:41this low-frequency sound.
07:42It can be heard
07:43up to six miles away,
07:44ladies and gentlemen.
07:45Why is there
07:45so much sand there?
07:49Because it's a desert.
07:50But normally,
07:51sand is by the shore,
07:53isn't it?
07:53I can get that,
07:55that it's worn away
07:56and worn away
07:56and worn away
07:57to tiny particles,
07:59but in the desert,
08:00it's just lying around.
08:02And how much
08:03would they charge
08:04for their sand?
08:04I mean,
08:05if you wanted to sum it.
08:06I don't think they charge,
08:08I think they'd say,
08:08yeah, have it.
08:09If you can get it home,
08:11take it.
08:14How many grains of sand
08:15in the Sahara,
08:16do you reckon?
08:17Do you reckon?
08:18I lost count.
08:18It's quite a few.
08:20Yeah.
08:20I've got up to 17
08:22and it's definitely
08:22more than that.
08:25Apparently,
08:25there are more molecules
08:26in a glass of water
08:27than there are grains
08:29of sand
08:29in the entire world.
08:31The Gobi toad
08:32lives under the desert
08:34and every seven years
08:36it waits for some rainfall
08:37and they all come up
08:38to the surface,
08:38they mate
08:39and then they go
08:40back down again
08:41for seven years.
08:42Wow.
08:45That's very good.
08:55There are more things
08:57I don't know
08:57than there are
08:58molecules
08:58in a glass of water.
09:00What do you get
09:00if you cross a camel
09:01with a leopard?
09:03Yes.
09:04A fireside rug
09:05you can have a good hump on.
09:06Sorry.
09:14Do you get sacked
09:15from the zoo?
09:19You might.
09:20I know something
09:21about leopards
09:22which is
09:22they don't mind
09:23rotten meat.
09:24They catch something
09:25and they'll drag it
09:26up a tree
09:27and they'll leave it
09:27there for days.
09:28Yes, they do.
09:29They don't mind
09:30eating it
09:30if it's all covered
09:31in maggots
09:31whereas cheetahs
09:32are only fresh.
09:34So a cheetah
09:34will catch something
09:35and a leopard
09:36will go over
09:37and nick it up it
09:39and then drag it
09:39up a tree
09:40and not even
09:41bother with it.
09:42But eating rotten meat
09:42is terrible
09:42it gives you spots.
09:44Ah.
09:45Oi.
09:46Now.
09:47Now then.
09:49Why can't they mate?
09:50Well, they're
09:51different species.
09:52Yeah, but.
09:53That is sort of
09:54almost a definition
09:54of what a species is.
09:56We can't mate
09:56with gorilla
09:57even though we are
09:57very closely related.
09:59You mean even
09:59if they had intercourse
10:00Well, I mean
10:01you could literally
10:01stick your thingy up
10:03the whatnot
10:03and then
10:04tiny leopard sperm
10:06could not penetrate
10:07the camel egg.
10:08It could certainly
10:08but it couldn't
10:09fertilize it.
10:10There is an animal
10:11that used to be
10:11called a camelopod
10:13and it was believed
10:14by the ancients
10:15by a man that you
10:16love personally
10:17with a great passion
10:18called Pliny the Elder.
10:21Yes.
10:21And Pliny the Elder
10:22was one of the first
10:22to write about this animal.
10:23The Romans knew this animal
10:25and they believed
10:27that many of the
10:27stranger species
10:28might be the result
10:29of two other species
10:31mating.
10:31There were such things
10:32as griffins
10:32and centaurs
10:33so it was assumed
10:35that this animal
10:35was the offspring
10:36of a camel
10:37and a leopard.
10:38Now have a look
10:38at the camel
10:39and then look
10:39at the spottiness
10:40of the leopard.
10:41What would be spotty
10:41with eyelashes
10:42and funny lips?
10:44Esther Ransom.
10:46Very good.
10:48Come on,
10:48anyone in the audience
10:49ever thought?
10:50Giraffe!
10:51You see?
10:52Oh, you're flash.
10:53Yes.
10:54Is that a giraffe
10:55display team?
11:04It's like they
11:05turned out for a fight.
11:06They're marching.
11:08Well, the weird thing
11:09is you do see giraffes
11:10eating off the ground,
11:11don't you?
11:11Well, they send out
11:12for a drink
11:12where it's terribly hard for them.
11:13It is.
11:14Well, they have
11:14enormous hearts.
11:15You know,
11:16they have twice
11:16the blood pressure
11:17we do to get
11:18the blood going up.
11:1916 gallons of blood
11:20a minute
11:21is pumped through.
11:22170 beats a minute
11:24on this huge heart
11:25with thick,
11:25thick walls.
11:26And they don't
11:27appreciate it,
11:27do they?
11:27No.
11:29So there you are.
11:30Centaurs,
11:31we were talking about
11:31other mixtures.
11:32They're horses and men,
11:33of course.
11:34So neatly,
11:34we're going to link
11:35from centaurs
11:36to centenarians.
11:38What do you
11:39automatically get
11:40when you're
11:40100 years old?
11:41An email
11:42from the Queen.
11:45Not quite.
11:46What is it?
11:47You're right
11:47in the right area.
11:49Well, you don't
11:49know anymore,
11:50do you?
11:51Get a telegram.
11:52You don't get
11:52the telegram?
11:53No, you're quite right.
11:53Phone call.
11:54It's a rather dull
11:55equivalent of a telegram,
11:56that replaced it in 1982.
11:58Something sort of
11:58more electronical.
12:00More tele-messie.
12:00Tele-messie.
12:01How does that differ
12:03from a telegram, then?
12:04Well, it's sent
12:04in the post.
12:06Oh, is that it?
12:06Oh, dear.
12:08But you have to
12:09apply for it.
12:09You write to the
12:10anniversary secretary,
12:12Buckingham Palace,
12:13the Mao,
12:15London,
12:17SW1A,
12:171AA.
12:20Is it true
12:21that you gave
12:22Prince Charles
12:23for his wedding present
12:24some coffee
12:25made out of
12:26weasel shit?
12:29Not exactly.
12:31It was Cambodian
12:33weasel vomit.
12:37It's a coffee
12:37that these weasels
12:38eat.
12:39They eat the beans
12:40and then
12:40from what they
12:42excrete?
12:43No,
12:44vomit.
12:44Or vomit.
12:45They vomit
12:45and the acid
12:46in the stomach
12:46kind of softens it
12:47and it's apparently
12:47very flavoursome.
12:49I just felt it was
12:49something he wouldn't have.
12:53It seemed
12:54a good idea.
12:56Did he put it
12:56in a cupboard
12:57at home
12:57and there's loads
12:58of them in it?
13:00I wouldn't be surprised
13:01to be honest.
13:03I think he's
13:03so bloody original.
13:08Yes,
13:08we're on the subject
13:09of the hundreds.
13:10What do you call
13:11a Roman
13:11who's in charge
13:12of a hundred men?
13:14Centurion.
13:15Oh,
13:16I'm sorry,
13:17I just felt
13:18I hadn't said that.
13:19You did,
13:19and you were writers.
13:19I knew I was
13:20wrong.
13:21There is no word
13:22for a Roman
13:23in charge of a hundred
13:23men.
13:23Strictly speaking,
13:24a centurion was
13:25in charge of 83 men,
13:26did you know?
13:27In practice,
13:27that usually meant
13:28between 60 and 80.
13:30There they are.
13:31It's a very complicated
13:32reason.
13:32There's all kinds
13:32of things like that.
13:33Are those real Romans?
13:37That's fantastic.
13:40We did a Blackadder
13:41Roman thing
13:42for the millennium
13:43and we used
13:44these sort of people
13:45and the assistant
13:46director was saying
13:48to them,
13:49Ken, isn't it?
13:49He said,
13:50no,
13:51it's Marcellus
13:51Drusus,
13:52please,
13:52run for a million
13:53in the form.
13:55And you had to
13:55call it Marcellus
13:56Drusus.
13:57And I got him
13:57terribly cross
13:58by numbering them
14:00off.
14:00I,
14:00I,
14:01I,
14:01I,
14:01I,
14:01I,
14:01I,
14:02I,
14:02I,
14:02V,
14:02V,
14:03V,
14:03V,
14:03V,
14:04Anyway,
14:06Staying with the
14:07seas of ancient
14:08Rome,
14:08there were seven
14:09Roman emperors
14:10who bore the name
14:10Caesar,
14:12not counting Julius
14:13who started the
14:13whole thing
14:14but of course
14:14wasn't himself
14:15an emperor.
14:15We all know
14:16what he did,
14:17he came,
14:17he saw,
14:18he conquered,
14:18but what did
14:19Nero do?
14:22Fiddle,
14:23while Rome burned.
14:28He had a concrete
14:32swimming hat.
14:33He was very,
14:34very,
14:35he did run.
14:38He built most of
14:39Rome,
14:40not the Rome you see.
14:41But he rebuilt it
14:42after it was
14:43burned down indeed.
14:44Did he have an
14:44enormous gold statue
14:46of himself built?
14:47Incredibly vain
14:48and stupid.
14:49Vain is the word.
14:50His dying words
14:51were what an artist
14:51dies in me.
14:53And he played
14:54the idiot.
14:54Was there someone
14:55in him?
14:55And of course.
15:02A small
15:03foe-vist painter
15:04has just perished
15:06inside my,
15:07inside my being.
15:09Well,
15:10anyway,
15:10no,
15:11of course the
15:11fiddle didn't exist
15:12in Roman days.
15:13The fiddle was
15:14invented more
15:14in the 15th century,
15:15I think,
15:15something like that.
15:16So he would have
15:17played Kisera
15:18or something,
15:18a sort of
15:19liar-like thing.
15:20But was he
15:20doing it like
15:21a sort of
15:21fire engine alarm?
15:23ding,
15:23ding,
15:23ding,
15:25Well,
15:26there's some
15:26evidence he did
15:26try and put
15:27the fire out,
15:27actually.
15:28He blamed a
15:29small sect of
15:30people for the
15:30fire,
15:31a very useful
15:31scapegoat.
15:32The gays?
15:33No.
15:34Even smaller,
15:35slightly less
15:35well-dressed,
15:36and oddly enough,
15:37to this day,
15:38enemies of the
15:39gays.
15:39It wasn't the
15:39Chavis.
15:40No.
15:41Even worse than
15:43the Chavis.
15:43It was the
15:43Coptics.
15:44Those damned
15:44Christians,
15:45yes.
15:46Nero,
15:47played by
15:47Christopher Biggins,
15:48of course,
15:48in TV's popular
15:50iClavdives.
15:50Um,
15:52but,
15:54er...
15:55Hi,
15:55Chad lives.
15:56Some people
15:57think he may
15:58have even been
15:58playing bagpipes
15:59when he was,
16:00er,
16:00what's he...
16:00Christopher Biggins?
16:01No, he is actually
16:02that size.
16:06Bagpipes,
16:07I'm sorry.
16:08Yes,
16:08no,
16:08can't be,
16:09haven't it?
16:09Mm.
16:10They have this
16:11tuning,
16:11and it's odd
16:12the Scots do
16:13that when they
16:13talk.
16:13Eh,
16:14I'm not sure.
16:18It's very odd,
16:19though.
16:21So,
16:21anyway,
16:22there we are,
16:22there's old
16:22Nero,
16:23whatever he was,
16:23he was eventually
16:24booed off,
16:25of course,
16:25and succeeded
16:26by a more
16:26popular entertainer
16:27who was called
16:29Galber,
16:30Servius Galber
16:31Caesar Augustus,
16:32to be precise,
16:33and he got rid
16:33of, um,
16:35bagpipe performances
16:36and, er,
16:36he placed them
16:37with tightrope
16:38walking elephants.
16:40Which brings us
16:40to our next question.
16:42Lots of ancient
16:42armies had elephants.
16:44Er,
16:44they were the tanks
16:45of the ancient world
16:46in many respects,
16:47but they weighed
16:4712 tons,
16:48and they can run
16:49at 20 miles per hour.
16:51So,
16:52how did people
16:52catch them
16:53in the first place?
16:54The,
16:54the truth is that,
16:55er,
16:56many of these
16:57elephants volunteered.
17:01They came from
17:01small towns,
17:02there was no future,
17:03no,
17:05no circus
17:06coming through town,
17:07so they'd, er,
17:08go off and join,
17:09yeah.
17:12Wouldn't you catch
17:12a baby one
17:13with a limp?
17:17I think they'd
17:18trip them up.
17:18The only thing's
17:19kind of close to that,
17:20they'd have Ethiopian
17:21elephant catchers
17:22and they used to
17:22run up behind the elephant
17:23and then they'd jump
17:25up onto its back leg
17:26and hanging onto its tail,
17:28they would hack away
17:29at the other leg
17:29with an axe.
17:31And the elephant's
17:31usual response
17:32was to sit on the Ethiopian,
17:33so it was a dangerous
17:34thing to do.
17:36But the Ethiopian one
17:37feels deserved it.
17:38But, er,
17:39and then they would use
17:39that as,
17:40as a breeding animal
17:41rather than a war animal.
17:42Do you know what was
17:43supposed to frighten
17:44elephants?
17:45What they would do,
17:46I'm afraid,
17:46is they would cover
17:46pigs in oil,
17:47this is not funny,
17:48set fire to them
17:49and the pigs would
17:50then run after
17:51the elephants on fire
17:52and the elephants
17:53would be so freaked out
17:54by the spectacle
17:55of pigs on fire
17:56that they would run away.
17:57I wonder how
17:58they found that out?
18:01I think they found it out
18:02because when a pig squealed,
18:03an elephant would rear up
18:04and run away
18:05and so they thought,
18:06how do we get pigs
18:06to squeal?
18:07We'll set fire to them.
18:08Set light to them.
18:09I know, it's horrible.
18:10Is that how they first
18:11discovered crackling?
18:16I think you may be right.
18:19Now, we all know
18:19that elephants
18:20have proverbially
18:20lengthy memories
18:21although quite interestingly
18:22according to the Greeks
18:23it used to be camels
18:25that never forgot.
18:26What kind of creature
18:28has a terrible memory?
18:30Short memory.
18:31My dad can't remember anything.
18:34I went down to see him
18:35the other day
18:35and he looked to me like that.
18:37I went, hi dad.
18:43My neighbour's dog
18:44doesn't remember
18:45when I kick it
18:45because I do it.
18:46No, he knows the time
18:47and he still comes up to me.
18:49I'll kick it really hard
18:50in the face.
18:51Goldfish.
18:52Oh, stop it.
18:53A goldfish.
18:54Oh, I'm not goldfish.
18:57No, there is...
18:59Three second memory.
19:00Well, there is this fallacy
19:02that goldfish have
19:03a three second memory.
19:04It is a fallacy.
19:05They've done tests.
19:07Oh, they have.
19:07They have.
19:08A man from Plymouth University
19:09did wonderful tests.
19:11The goldfish
19:12what happened
19:12on EastEnders
19:13last night
19:15and he remembered
19:16most of it.
19:17Two things.
19:17One, there isn't
19:18a Plymouth University.
19:19That's made up.
19:20And two,
19:21you can't remember anything.
19:22Yeah, it's a sweet shot
19:23with a copy of the Times
19:24in it, isn't it?
19:26Dr. Phil G
19:28of the University
19:29of Plymouth's
19:30psychological department.
19:32He does sound like
19:33Dr. Phil G.
19:34He trained them
19:35to press levers
19:36and they could even
19:37tell time
19:37because he would have
19:38the lever work
19:40just for an hour
19:40in the day
19:41and they would come
19:41and press at the right time
19:42to deliver food
19:43and they knew exactly
19:44where it was
19:44and they would come back
19:45to it.
19:46How come they can't tell
19:47that the deep sea diver
19:48is three times
19:49as big as the castle?
19:53That's so damn smart.
19:55Well, it seems
19:56they have pretty good
19:56memories, as a matter of fact.
19:58A lot smaller.
19:58They're not gold.
19:59Put them back in the wild
20:00they go to Brown
20:01and all the different colours.
20:02Actually, not true
20:03because I've got two
20:03in a pond
20:04they've been there
20:04five years
20:05and they're still orange.
20:07In the wildy, wildy, wildy
20:09but if you're in captivity
20:10and for some reason...
20:11Where's the wildy, wildy, wild?
20:13I'd like to go there.
20:15Technical term.
20:16The Norfolk.
20:18So what can't remember
20:19anything then?
20:20I bet a koala
20:21can't remember much
20:22wakes up
20:23a hot...
20:25I bet a pig on fire
20:26can't remember much.
20:29I had a strange experience
20:30when I was in Australia
20:32recently
20:32and I went to a day
20:33out to the zoo
20:33and they give you
20:34a koala to hold
20:35and you have a photograph
20:36taken of it
20:37and koalas are very lazy animals
20:39they don't exactly work out.
20:40You know what I mean?
20:41They haven't got firm
20:42buttocks or anything.
20:43And I had one in my hand
20:45and it kind of just slipped
20:47and before I knew it
20:48I actually had a
20:49sort of koala's
20:51buttocks
20:51it was actually
20:52slipped onto my finger.
20:55And it just sort of
20:56slid on
20:56and there's
20:58on the photograph
20:59because they take
20:59a photograph for you
21:00and they say
21:00hold it a koala
21:01and the koalas
21:02go to this
21:03and go to...
21:07The worst thing was
21:08they wanted it back
21:09and I said
21:09well
21:11can I hold it
21:11for a bit longer
21:12and I was trying
21:12to get the finger out
21:13and I said
21:14can I take it away?
21:15The list of charges
21:17is beginning to add up
21:18isn't it?
21:18Have you had the jokes
21:22going around the internet
21:23about the doctor
21:23and all the student doctors
21:25and he's got a corpse there
21:27he's got a cadaver
21:28and he says
21:29it's very important
21:30that you
21:33completely at ease
21:34with the corpse
21:35and he puts his finger
21:36up the arse
21:37with the corpse
21:38and takes it out.
21:41Aww.
21:42He says
21:42you know
21:42and one after another
21:44they all do that.
21:46They all do it
21:47and they all finish
21:48to it, the last one
21:48and then he says
21:49very important also
21:50that you observe
21:51carefully what I do
21:52I inserted my index finger
21:53and sucked my middle finger.
22:01I'll try and pay attention
22:03in future.
22:06Senon a vero
22:07e bentrovato.
22:13All of which brings us
22:15back once more
22:15to the hellish
22:16of the world
22:16that we call
22:17general ignorance.
22:18Joe,
22:19have you ever
22:20been in bed
22:21with a myoclonic jerk?
22:29I've had him.
22:33It's my husband.
22:34that's when you can't
22:35see anything,
22:36isn't it?
22:37Is it myo
22:37something to do
22:38with eyes?
22:39Myo
22:39is muscles,
22:40isn't it?
22:40Yes,
22:41myo
22:41from the Greek
22:42it's a muscular
22:43spasm.
22:44It's kind of spasm.
22:45What do you get
22:46when you're falling asleep?
22:48Do you ever get this?
22:48Everyone does,
22:49I think.
22:50You feel that
22:51dropping feelings.
22:52If you've just fallen.
22:53You've ever had that?
22:54Yeah.
22:54I think it's a term
22:55for my dad
22:57who used to
22:58this is all I ever
22:58saw of my dad
22:59being a cheer.
23:05Everyone has it
23:06in the audience?
23:06Yes.
23:07Everyone has it.
23:08It's very odd.
23:09And no one really
23:09knows where it
23:10comes from.
23:11There are theories.
23:12One is that it's
23:12descended from
23:13when we used to
23:13sleep in trees.
23:15It was a deliberate
23:16reflex so that
23:17we would grasp
23:17things.
23:18And if you ever
23:18did drop,
23:19it would be
23:19Oh, that's what
23:20that is.
23:21So what's the
23:21animal that can't
23:23remember anything?
23:28Rich, we have
23:29a question for you.
23:30Just for you.
23:31Is this a stupid
23:32American question?
23:35Continentally
23:35speaking, yes.
23:36Which is the
23:37largest lake
23:37in Canada?
23:41Width or
23:42depth?
23:44Not depth.
23:45Can I attempt
23:46an answer at this?
23:47Yeah.
23:47Who cares?
23:49Oh, dear.
23:51Oh, dear.
23:52We were predicting
23:53that one.
23:54Yeah.
23:55Who cares?
23:56There are so many
23:57lakes in Canada.
23:58More than a
23:59million in
23:59Manitoba alone.
24:01Yes.
24:01You can buy a
24:03lake and have it
24:03named after you.
24:05It's because the
24:06water doesn't drain
24:06away.
24:07There's no water
24:08table.
24:08You can, but the
24:09one's really, really
24:09big.
24:10It's bigger than
24:10Albania.
24:11It's bigger than
24:12Belgium.
24:12Great Lakes?
24:13Technically Canadian?
24:14Are they all
24:14American?
24:15No.
24:15You've avoided our
24:16little trap there,
24:17actually, which Joe
24:18didn't by saying
24:18who cares.
24:19If you'd said one of
24:20the Great Lakes,
24:20it would have been a
24:21big noise because
24:22this lake has to be
24:23entirely in Canada.
24:24What's the
24:24difference between
24:25largest and
24:26biggest?
24:26Well, in other
24:28languages, largest
24:28mean widest, I
24:29suppose, and biggest
24:30being just greatest
24:30in size, but
24:31largest we now
24:32mean to mean
24:33biggest.
24:33It originally
24:34meant wide.
24:34Large is wide in
24:35French, isn't it?
24:36Right.
24:36Thanks.
24:37I mean, we are
24:39very lucky because
24:40we have both Latin
24:41and the Romance
24:43languages and the
24:43Anglo-Saxon languages
24:44to draw on, so we
24:45can say big and
24:47large.
24:47Yeah.
24:48Say little and
24:48small.
24:49Little and large.
24:50Little and large
24:51indeed.
24:52Coming up, when you
24:53said the deepest
24:54lake, the deepest
24:54lake is Lake
24:55Manitou, and Lake
24:57Manitou is a weird
24:58lake because it's
24:58also got the
24:59largest lake
25:00island in the
25:01world in it, and
25:03that island has
25:04got a lake in it,
25:05which is the
25:06largest lake in an
25:07island that's in a
25:08lake in the world.
25:10It just goes on to
25:11infinity.
25:12It does, doesn't
25:12it?
25:12No, the answer
25:13is the Great
25:14Bear Lake.
25:15None of the
25:15five great lakes
25:16is entirely in
25:17Canada.
25:18So, finally, this
25:19is for everyone
25:21except Rich, because
25:23we think he'll
25:23know this.
25:24What are bots
25:25dots?
25:27Are they bots
25:27dots?
25:28Well, no, they're
25:28not, actually.
25:29Those are just
25:29dots to give you
25:30an idea of what a
25:30dot is, I suppose.
25:33It brings us
25:34around full circle
25:35to almost our
25:36very first question.
25:37It's not the
25:37slight sort of
25:38spattering you get
25:39if you insert your
25:40finger into a
25:41koala.
25:45Sorry.
25:47Cat's Eyes,
25:48Cunningham and
25:48the Carrots.
25:50Good.
25:50Stick with that.
25:51Cat's Eyes,
25:52Cunningham and
25:52the Carrots.
25:53We're three C's.
25:53Oh, are they
25:55American Cat's Eyes?
25:56Yes.
25:56Give the lady a
25:57cigar.
25:58Fantastic.
26:02They are the
26:03Californian version
26:04of our Cat's Eyes.
26:06The American ones
26:06break every time
26:07you drive over
26:08them.
26:08Yes, why is
26:09that?
26:09Because they're
26:10shit.
26:11Well, yeah.
26:13What is it that's
26:14shit about them?
26:16They're made
26:16out of glass.
26:18No, it's
26:19no, ours.
26:20It goes back
26:22into the ground.
26:22It's on a sort of
26:23springy thing.
26:24And not only that,
26:24very cunningly,
26:25so that it doesn't
26:26break, but the
26:27water will obviously
26:28gather there when it
26:29rains and so it
26:29washes its little eyes
26:30every time you run
26:31over it.
26:31You're washing its
26:32face.
26:33Oh, isn't it?
26:33Was that ice?
26:34Yeah.
26:35I actually didn't
26:35know that.
26:36I thought.
26:36Oh, you didn't?
26:37You didn't know
26:37what a boxed up
26:38was?
26:39I thought there
26:40were things on
26:40John Boy from
26:41Walton's Face.
26:45I thought that's
26:46why you're
26:46withholding the
26:47answer from it.
26:48It was a man
26:49called Dr.
26:50Elbert Bott.
26:52Elbert.
26:52Elbert Bott.
26:54And he didn't
26:55make a fortune,
26:56unlike Percy
26:56Shaw, because he
26:57worked for the
26:58Californian State
26:59Highways Authority.
27:00So there we are.
27:01It must be surely
27:02time now, ladies
27:03and gentlemen,
27:03for the final
27:04scores.
27:04Let's have a look
27:05at them.
27:05We're going to
27:06start with a worthy
27:07and proud winner.
27:08He may mutilate
27:09animals, but he
27:10does know a thing
27:11or two, ladies
27:11and gentlemen.
27:12Sean Locke with
27:1212 points.
27:16And on second
27:17place with three
27:18points, Rich Hall,
27:20ladies and gentlemen.
27:23In third place,
27:25with minus 18
27:26points, is Alan
27:27Davis.
27:28Not last.
27:30And that means
27:32that our runaway
27:33loser with minus
27:3528 is Joe
27:36Brandy.
27:45Well, that's all
27:46we have time for
27:47this week.
27:48My thanks to
27:48Rich, Sean, Joe
27:49and Alan.
27:50And I leave you
27:51with a helpful tip
27:52from the billionaire
27:52John Paul Getty.
27:54My formula for
27:55success, he said,
27:56is rise early,
27:58work late,
27:59and strike oil.
28:01Good night.
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