- 2 days ago
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00:02One of the best things about living in a city like New York is leaving it.
00:11My friend Patience and her husband invited me out to the Hamptons for the weekend.
00:16Patience and Peter were the perfect married couple.
00:19They were fun, smart, and they looked like they fell out of a J.Crew catalog.
00:22If their house wasn't right on the beach, I would have hated them.
00:26So, he gets in the cab and he slides up next to me.
00:32Yes.
00:34And it is hot.
00:36It is hot all the way from Houston West Broadway to 72nd and Madison.
00:40Hampton house guests are always required to sing for their supper.
00:44Brokers give investment advice, architects design advice.
00:48Single people give married friends tidbits from their sexual escapades.
00:53The next morning I woke up feeling rested and fabulous.
00:56I couldn't wait to go out and take in the spectacular view.
01:01Morning.
01:03Patience went out to get juice and muffins.
01:06Should be right back.
01:07There he was.
01:09Full frontal friend.
01:12Good.
01:13Good.
01:13He just stood there, casual, happy, hanging out.
01:17I didn't know what to do, what to say.
01:19Great.
01:19I only knew one thing.
01:20That's way too much Peter before coffee.
01:23Good morning.
01:25Hey.
01:25Got some fresh juice and the good muffins.
01:30So, what's happening?
01:32Oh, well, um, I ran into Peter in the hallway without his underwear on.
01:40P.S.
01:41Congratulations.
01:43Sunny day.
01:45Honey, did Carrie see your dick in the hall?
01:48Oh, yeah.
01:49She caught me on the way to the bathroom.
01:50Oh.
01:51On the way to the bathroom.
01:52Oh, yeah.
01:54The good muffins.
01:58So, um, what are we doing today?
02:02I barely had time to shove a good muffin in my purse before I was on my way back to
02:06New York.
02:06I'm confused.
02:07Why would he do that?
02:08Did he want to have sex with you?
02:09I don't know.
02:09It didn't feel sexual.
02:11Maybe he just wanted to show it off, like a monkey.
02:15So, how big was it?
02:16Fresh pepper.
02:19Yes, please.
02:20Thank you very much.
02:22That'll do.
02:23Do you like some fresh pepper?
02:24Oh, honey, I'd love some fresh pepper.
02:27In fact, I think everyone at this table could use a lot of fresh pepper.
02:34Thanks.
02:37Hmm.
02:38So, I told her I didn't understand why she was so upset, and she said I couldn't understand it.
02:42I'm single.
02:43And what?
02:44Single women prowl beach houses hoping for glimpses of their friend's husband's dicks?
02:49How good of a friend was she?
02:50What's the difference?
02:51When someone gets married, all bets are off.
02:53They become married and we become the enemy.
02:55As the only single lawyer working at her law firm, Miranda had given this topic some thought.
03:00You know, married women are threatened because we can have sex anytime, anywhere with anyone.
03:04We can?
03:05And they're afraid we're going to have it anytime, anywhere with their husbands.
03:09I would never sleep with a married man.
03:11What makes you so sure you haven't?
03:12Wedding rings come off, you know.
03:14Face it, ladies.
03:15If you're still single, you are not to be trusted.
03:17Come on.
03:18Not all married women feel that way.
03:20Charlotte treated marriage like a sorority she was desperately hoping to pledge.
03:23You're right.
03:24Not all.
03:25The ones who don't fear you pity you.
03:27That's not true.
03:29Are you telling me you haven't gotten those poor single you looks?
03:32No, I hate those.
03:33Okay, yes I have.
03:34I hate it when you're the only single person at a dinner party and they all look at you like
03:38you're a-
03:38Loser?
03:39Lepper.
03:39Whore.
03:40Exactly.
03:41I'm telling you, married people are the enemy.
03:44Was Miranda right?
03:45Were we enemies?
03:48Is there a secret cold war between marrieds and singles?
03:52I love my single friends.
03:53But now that I'm married, I don't see them as much as I used to.
03:57It's too painful.
03:59They remind me of how desperate I used to be.
04:02When women get married, they forget who they are.
04:05I becomes we.
04:06We loved the movie.
04:07We hate that restaurant.
04:09We, we, we, we, we.
04:11My best buddy and I did everything together.
04:13Then he married this girl who doesn't like me.
04:16Now I only see him on Super Bowl Sunday.
04:18It's all about what you want out of life.
04:20Some people like me choose to grow up, face reality and get married.
04:24And others choose to, what, live an empty, haunted life of stunted adolescence.
04:30No, it's not a cold war.
04:32It's an out and out battle.
04:33And it isn't just straight people.
04:35Every gay guy I know is running off to Hawaii, putting on a caftan, reciting vows and feeling superior to
04:42me.
04:42A caftan?
04:43Oh, yes.
04:44With orchid ladies.
04:45Aloha.
04:47I miss the old times and everyone was alone.
04:49Now I'm just starting to feel like I'm an outcast in the outcast.
04:52Cari?
04:54Oh, my God.
04:56Joe, hi.
04:57Wow.
04:58Geez, it's been years.
04:59I haven't seen you since you were, um...
05:01Straight?
05:02Well, I was gonna say in Miss Saigon.
05:04Oh, I still am.
05:05Love Miss Saigon.
05:07Oh, this is, um, this is my friend Stanford.
05:09Hi.
05:09And this is my life partner, Lou.
05:12Oh, wow.
05:13Look at that.
05:14Oh, congratulations.
05:16Where are you registered?
05:17The Barneys.
05:18I was kidding.
05:20So, Cari, how about you?
05:21Are you married?
05:22Oh, not really.
05:23I mean, no.
05:24Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
05:27Perfect.
05:29What?
05:30Well, Lou and I are interested in having a child.
05:33We already have a surrogate, but we need a top-notch egg.
05:36What are your feelings about donating one?
05:40Listen, here's our card.
05:42You think about it, give us a call.
05:45We'll pay.
05:45Yeah.
05:46Great seeing you.
05:49I had just experienced single bashing for the new millennium.
05:52I was no longer even considered a person.
05:55I was now an egg farm.
05:57Meanwhile, in a park downtown, another single woman was about to be humiliated.
06:10I was afraid you wouldn't come.
06:13All right, let's get it over with.
06:16Panicked at the idea of spending another firm function labeled as a leper, Miranda had agreed to be fixed up
06:22on a blind date.
06:23Miranda?
06:24This is Sid.
06:25Sid, Miranda.
06:27Look at you two.
06:28It's like a perfect match.
06:31Well, I'm going to excuse myself.
06:36Nice to meet you.
06:36You too.
06:37I tell you what, I'm going to get a soda.
06:39You want a soda?
06:40Yeah.
06:41I'm going to get us a soda.
06:42Okay.
06:44Jeff?
06:45Pretty great, huh?
06:46Can I pick him or what?
06:48Yeah, I'm not gay.
06:50Seriously?
06:51Man, I've been with a firm eight months.
06:53I haven't once seen you with a guy.
06:54Circumstantial, Jeff.
06:55I'm single.
06:56Christ, when did being single translate into being gay?
07:00Shit.
07:01Uh, you want me to go over there and...
07:04No, I'll do it.
07:08Brave Miranda marched right over and told Sid she wasn't.
07:11They had a good laugh and decided to stay and play ball.
07:15Woo!
07:19Woo!
07:19Woo!
07:20Woo!
07:20Woo!
07:21Woo!
07:23Woo!
07:25Miranda and Sid's last inning double play got the attention of everyone,
07:28even the firm's senior partner.
07:30That was quite a play, ladies.
07:31It's all about teamwork, Charles.
07:33Uh, Chip.
07:34Chip.
07:36Listen, uh, my wife and I are having a little dinner party on the 12th.
07:39Uh, just some couples, nothing fancy.
07:41We'd love it if you both could make it.
07:43We'd love to.
07:49Later that night, Miranda gave me the lowdown on her day.
07:52So you think it's just because they think that you're in a couple.
07:55I know it.
07:56I've been with the firm for two years.
07:57He's barely even spoken to me.
07:59All of a sudden, it's Chip.
08:00A lawyer named Chip.
08:01Gotta love that.
08:02And they seem so relieved to have finally figured me out.
08:05So you're actually gonna go through with the dinner?
08:07Yup.
08:07I'm determined to make partner in this firm, even if I have to be a lesbian partner.
08:12After Miranda left, I had a thought.
08:14Maybe the Cold War isn't about hate.
08:16Maybe it's about fear.
08:18Fear of the unknown.
08:20Married people don't hate singles.
08:22They just want us figured out.
08:26I felt it was time to stop all this speculation and infiltrate the enemy camp.
08:30Lunch with my favorite couple, David and Lisa.
08:33Well, I don't think of us as married so much as together.
08:36Wait, are we married?
08:37Uh, yeah.
08:38Remember that day you wore the white dress and we got all these flat ones?
08:41Oh, yeah.
08:42I guess I should stop seeing other men.
08:44Hey.
08:45What about you?
08:46You like being single?
08:47Yeah, most of the time, yeah.
08:49And then there are the other times, you know, like, um, like family functions,
08:53when you're the only one that's not married and they sit you at the kids' table.
08:55Or, um, or when you two eat off the same fork and they just...
09:00Oh, man, that's so sweet.
09:02Don't start crying.
09:04He's such a pussy.
09:05But you do want to get married someday, right?
09:08I don't know.
09:09I'm beginning to think I may not be the marrying kind.
09:12Really?
09:13No sooner had the words come out of my mouth than I wondered if they were true.
09:17Hey!
09:17Hey!
09:18Sean!
09:19Hey!
09:19What a surprise!
09:20This is our friend, Carrie.
09:21Hi.
09:22We're just about to have dessert.
09:24You want to join us?
09:24Uh, sure, sure.
09:27This is such a surprise.
09:29How are you?
09:29I'm good.
09:29Another time I hate being single is when married friends surprise fix you up.
09:35Two espressos and a tiramisu later, I had learned that Sean was the youngest of three brothers,
09:39had his own investment firm, and was about to move into an apartment he had just purchased.
09:43You know this was a fix-up, right?
09:46Oh, please.
09:46I could smell it before you walked in the door.
09:49My parents met on a fix-up, and they will be married 41 years next month.
09:53Wow.
09:54That's great.
09:55It was then I realized.
09:56I was having coffee with the marrying guy, that elusive and rare Manhattan man whose sights
10:01were set on marriage.
10:01So, Carrie.
10:04Can I see you again?
10:06Sure.
10:12Over the next week and a half, I met Sean for a movie.
10:16I met him for another movie.
10:32Thanks for a great time.
10:34He was like the flesh and blood equivalent of a DKNY dress.
10:38You know it's not your style, but it's right there.
10:41It's like you try it on anyway.
10:44It was the night of the 12th.
10:46On the east side, a pseudo lesbian couple attended a right wing Republican dinner party.
10:55Hey!
10:56On the west side, a trio of single gals went to a single guy's housewarming party.
11:01So tell me, are his friends cute?
11:03I don't know.
11:03I haven't met them yet.
11:04How did you manage to get a new boyfriend in a week?
11:07He's not my boyfriend.
11:08He's just somebody I'm trying on.
11:11Alright.
11:11Ready?
11:17Everywhere I looked, people were standing in twos.
11:20It was like Noah's Upper West Side rent controlled arc.
11:23It's all married couples.
11:27Samantha gave me a look like I had sold her to the enemy for chocolate bars and nylons.
11:32Oh, hey, hey, this is for you.
11:34Hi.
11:35Oh, you must be Charlotte.
11:36Hi.
11:36And you have to be Samantha.
11:38Yeah.
11:38Where's the bar?
11:39Kitchen.
11:40You can't miss it.
11:41Room with the stove.
11:42This apartment is amazing.
11:43Thanks.
11:44I've been planning it for years.
11:45Come on, I'll give you guys the grand tour.
11:46As I moved through the married couples, I noticed something was different.
11:50No fear, no pity, no pointing.
11:53Were Sean's friends Cold War conscientious objectors?
11:56Or was it just that I was figured out?
12:00My accountant says that it's best to go with low risk stocks.
12:04Yeah, well, that depends.
12:05I mean, what are your expectations?
12:07I'm not sure.
12:09Honey, I need you to come over here and meet someone.
12:12Sure.
12:12Oh, this is Samantha.
12:14Samantha, this is Elaine.
12:15His wife.
12:17Honey, I really need you in the other room.
12:18Sure.
12:19It was nice talking to you, Samantha.
12:25And this is the den.
12:27Oh, you have one of these leather club chairs.
12:29I love these.
12:30Thanks.
12:30I'm using this room as an office now, but someday, this is going to be the kids' room.
12:35Look.
12:37I got this three years ago in Aspen.
12:41What do you think?
12:48Okay, I owe you.
12:48I didn't know that all his buddies were going to be married.
12:51Oh, my God, you're doing tequila shots?
12:54You see that buddy over there?
12:57I fucked him.
12:59You see that buddy over there?
13:01I fucked him, too.
13:04I never thought I'd see them again.
13:06Well, maybe we should start tagging your married men and that way you can keep track of them.
13:10He's going to ask you to marry him.
13:12He is not going to ask me to marry him.
13:14I've been dating him a week and a half.
13:16No guy buys a classic six on the Upper West Side unless they are seriously thinking about marriage.
13:21Some people read poems.
13:23Charlotte read real estate.
13:24If you turn into one of those married assholes, I'll kill you.
13:30Sean is the greatest guy, and he loves kids.
13:35Plus, he owns his own business, and he's got $300,000 in the bank.
13:39We both slept with him, and he is great in bed.
13:41An hour and a half into this housewarming, I had gone from party guest to prisoner of war.
13:48Samantha is totally drunk. I've got to get her out of here.
13:50You're not going anywhere without me.
13:52Carrie!
13:53God, we're friends.
13:56Surprise!
13:58It certainly was.
13:59Last time I saw Patience, she was shoving me on a bus.
14:02When Sean told us you and he were dating, we were just so thrilled.
14:06Aww.
14:06Well, listen, about what happened at your beach house the other day.
14:09Don't mention it.
14:10Well, I just, I'm not even sure.
14:12I said, don't mention it.
14:14Her proteus is terrible.
14:16Who are you?
14:17Um, this is my friend Patience, and this is her husband, Peter.
14:21I heard about you.
14:25Big Peppermill, Beck!
14:29And just as suddenly, our little ceasefire was over.
14:34Meanwhile, across town, things are winding down.
14:37Thank you so much. We really had a great time.
14:39Oh, as did we all.
14:41She is a real find.
14:44We'll do it again soon.
14:46I'll, uh, I'll meet you at the elevator.
14:47Okay, I just need to...
14:50We can't do it again soon.
14:53Sid and I aren't really a couple.
14:54In fact, we're not even really lesbians.
14:57Well, Sid is.
14:58I'm not.
14:59I just took advantage of the situation to bend your ear about my work at the firm.
15:04Shrewd mood, Counselor.
15:07No harm done.
15:08Thank you, sir.
15:09My wife will be disappointed.
15:10She was looking to add a lesbian couple to our circle.
15:17As they rode between floors, Miranda considered how much easier her life would be if she were in a couple.
15:23Any couple.
15:30Yep.
15:32Definitely straight.
15:34Yeah.
15:35You are.
15:37Sorry.
15:40While Miranda cursed her heterosexuality and wondered how much longer she could fight the war,
15:46Charlotte cursed Tequila and forced Samantha into a cab.
15:50She decided Samantha was too drunk to get home alone and insisted she spend the night on her couch.
15:57We're home.
15:58We're home.
15:59We're home.
15:59We're home.
15:59We're home.
15:59Oh, boy.
16:03Let me get that door for you.
16:06Hey.
16:09All right.
16:10All right.
16:11All right.
16:11Bye-bye.
16:12She got Samantha upstairs and safely to bed.
16:15Or so she thought.
16:18A couple of hours later, Samantha woke up still drunk and still single.
16:22And single to Samantha meant one thing.
16:30Can I have a cigarette?
16:32Sure.
16:38Can I have a kiss?
16:49Oh, Jesus.
16:53I really shocked.
16:54Somebody might see.
16:56Why don't you come upstairs just for a minute?
17:10Samantha?
17:15Don't be scared, miss.
17:17It's me, Tommy.
17:17I'm just leaving.
17:18Your friend invited me up.
17:20I know it was wrong.
17:21But I've just been so lonely since I left home and I wanted the feel of a woman's touch on
17:27me.
17:28I'm going into the bathroom now.
17:30And when I come out, you won't be here.
17:34And I never want this mentioned again.
17:37Let me get the door for you, miss.
17:48I was kind of hoping you'd stay over.
17:54Look, Sean, um, I don't think this is going to work.
17:58We want different things.
17:59You obviously want to get married and I don't know what I want.
18:05You could smell my desperation, right?
18:08It's...
18:08No, no, no.
18:10It's just...
18:12It's...
18:13I was, uh, trying you on, you know?
18:16See if it fit.
18:18It doesn't.
18:20I'm sorry.
18:29I don't understand you women.
18:31All I hear is, I want to get married, I want to get married.
18:36And none of you says yes.
18:37What the fuck?
18:47I'm so tired of going through women.
18:50I just want to get married, I...
18:54I may know someone who's perfect for you.
18:59Who?
19:00They started out casual.
19:02A brunch here, a concert there.
19:04But pretty soon they were visiting China.
19:07Um, I always wanted this pattern for formal dining.
19:11Are you serious?
19:16Charlotte broke it off then and there.
19:18It would never work.
19:19He was American classic, she was French country.
19:24Your friend never called like she promised.
19:26Why is that?
19:28I don't know.
19:33As I sifted through the rubble of my marriage skirmish, I had a thought.
19:38Maybe the fight between marrieds and singles is like the war in Northern Ireland.
19:42We're all basically the same, but somehow we wound up on different sides.
19:46Sure, it'd be great to have that one special person to walk home with.
19:50But sometimes, there's nothing better than meeting your single girlfriends for a night at the movies.
19:54Let's see you in the room.
19:57Hey!
19:58For a little respect when you come home.
20:00Come on.
20:00Hey, baby.
20:01Just a little bit.
20:02When you get home.
20:03Just a little bit.
20:04Mister.
20:05Just a little bit.
20:07I ain't gonna do you wrong.
20:09Why you gone?
20:11I ain't gonna do you wrong.