Smells
#comedy #tv
#comedy #tv
Category
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TVTranscript
00:10To be continued...
00:45Yes. I mean, what happened there? I just don't understand it.
00:49I made all the right moves. I winked. I smiled. One of my nice ones as well.
00:55I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my special eyes and said, hello, big tits, looking for some
01:01action.
01:03And what did she say? I think she said no, didn't she?
01:06That's right. No. Blasted lesbians everywhere. They should have labels on them or something.
01:13I wasted half an hour on those two, trancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks, backwards and forwards to
01:21the gents I was going.
01:22Look at this. Look at this. I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here.
01:30I don't think there were lesbians, Richie, because they got off with those other blokes.
01:36Those, er, handsomer, wittier, er, well, basically those two guys didn't have a load of toilet paper stuff down there.
01:44Yeah, well, you hardly helped, did you? Stuffing a Vimto bottle down the front of your pants and shouting,
01:49woo-hoo, looking for the Eiffel Tower, girls.
01:52I've got a result.
01:54I don't call a kick in the knackers a result.
01:56A free drink?
01:58Oh, yes, a kick in the knackers and a vodka and tonic in the face.
02:01Always keep your mouth open when you're insulting a lady.
02:05What a waste of time.
02:08If only I could just get one of them to do it with me.
02:12I mean, anybody.
02:13Just to do it with me.
02:15Just once.
02:18Just to find out what it's like.
02:21I mean, look.
02:22Look all around you.
02:24It's Friday night.
02:26And everywhere you look, there's buildings full of people all doing it.
02:31All doing it and doing it and then stopping and having a fag and then doing it a bit more.
02:36There's not a single one of them saying, hang on a minute, this really isn't fair.
02:41I mean, here's us doing it and doing it and doing it and there's poor old Richie and he hasn't
02:45done it.
02:46Ever.
02:46He hasn't got anyone to do it to.
02:48I'll tell you what, I'll pop down and do it to him for a bit and then pop back up.
02:52Would that be all right?
02:54I mean, it wouldn't hurt, would it?
02:56You're charitable.
02:58I mean, just think of all those acres and acres of ladies.
03:02All lying there saying, go on, darling, let's do it.
03:06And the bloat saying, no, I don't feel like doing it.
03:09The snooker's on.
03:11Well, I could be filling in for him.
03:14Providing a service.
03:16I could even charge.
03:18Might make a bit of money.
03:21Hey, Eddie, I've just thought of...
03:23What on earth are you eating?
03:26Lard.
03:35You are eating lard?
03:38Yeah, I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.
03:43All right, Eddie, I can feel the elbow in me ribs.
03:46All right, I'll do one of my famous Friday night fry-ups.
03:49Chuck us a couple of eggs.
03:57Oh, the old ones are the best ones, aren't they?
04:00Who needs girls when you've got your mates?
04:04I'll tell you, there's some things a girl just can't appreciate, and Rich's Friday night fry-up is one of
04:07them.
04:09Oil.
04:13All right, then, a little dab of oil.
04:19Secret ingredient.
04:22Come on out, you know you want to.
04:25Come on, you've only been in there a week.
04:32And then just the last couple of pints.
04:52Lovely night.
05:03Hit that dog again.
05:10Well, why doesn't anyone ever want to have any sex with me?
05:14Well, look on the bright side, Richie.
05:16At least you're not going to get any sexually transmitted diseases.
05:21You're right there.
05:22I'd be lucky to catch flu off a girl.
05:24In fact, that was the nearest I ever got to sex, was when that bus conductor sneezed all over my
05:27head this morning.
05:29Oh, I'll talk about the green line.
05:34Oh, Eddie.
05:36I'm just so depressed.
05:39Oh, cheer up, Richie.
05:40There's loads and loads of ugly birds in the world.
05:43One of them's bound to do it with you sooner or later.
05:46But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me.
05:49I mean, she doesn't even have to sleep with me.
05:50It's the staying awake bit I'm interested in.
05:54Hey, I've just had a fantastic idea.
05:56Oh, great.
05:57Oh, great.
06:03Well?
06:06What?
06:07What was the fantastic idea?
06:09To drink that.
06:11Only joking.
06:13Why not put an ad in a Lonely Hearts column?
06:17Yeah.
06:18Yeah, yeah.
06:19Ugly virgin.
06:20Desperately seek sex of any description.
06:23That is absolutely brilliant.
06:27Suave.
06:28Sophisticated.
06:29Witty.
06:31B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b.
06:33Let's just be economical with the truth.
06:35Um, something buck.
06:38Yeah.
06:38Hot young buck.
06:39What about badger?
06:42No, no.
06:43I'm more a sort of...
06:45Hedgehog.
06:45No, fox.
06:47That's good.
06:48No, that's good.
06:49No, that is good.
06:51Stoat.
06:54Foxy's stoat?
06:56Yeah.
06:59Yeah, it's got a ring to it.
07:01Foxy's stoat seeks pig.
07:07Foxy's stoat seeks pig.
07:10Shut up, baby.
07:13This is very important.
07:15Let's see now.
07:16Foxy's stoat.
07:18On the prowl.
07:22I like that.
07:25Musky...
07:27Musky fox.
07:30Musky sly old foxy stoat.
07:35Minky musky sly old stoaty stoaty stoat.
07:41Oh, this is ridiculous.
07:44I'm not getting anywhere.
07:46And what do they normally put?
07:47Hang on, here we are.
07:49Sad old git section.
07:53Sad old git section.
07:56Did you hear what I said?
07:58Yes.
07:58I said, sad old git section.
08:02Please, I've only got so many ribs, no coward.
08:05What do they normally put?
08:08Well, he's not going to get very far, is he?
08:11Gay.
08:13Don't knock it, Eddie.
08:14Cuts down the field for guys like us.
08:16All right, let's have a look at this.
08:19Gay.
08:20Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, widow, gay.
08:23Ah, widow.
08:28Widow, busty, raven-haired, millionaire-ess, gay.
08:36Gay, gay, hang on, Eddie, this is the gay section.
08:42Come on, look.
08:43Ugh, what's this?
08:44Instant sex appeal.
08:46You can get it in a bottle.
08:48Let's have a look.
08:53Pheromone sex scent.
08:56Women cannot resist this powerful love smell.
08:59Scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids.
09:03Wow.
09:05Look, it's medically proven.
09:08This stuff attracts women like you would not believe.
09:11Karachi Medical Gazette.
09:14Available at all good sex shops.
09:17This is it, Eddie.
09:19Girls' City, here we come.
09:21What do you think, old chum?
09:29Nil desperandum.
09:43Come on.
09:44Come on.
09:50Can I help you, sir?
09:56This is a sex shop, isn't it?
09:59Yes.
09:59I'll have five quid's worth, then.
10:05Very droll, sir.
10:06I've never heard that one before.
10:08Haven't you?
10:09Shall I tell it again?
10:09No, thank you, sir.
10:10I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum.
10:15You've been working here too long, mate.
10:21Can I help you, sir?
10:24No.
10:24Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex life?
10:30What are you implying?
10:32That I'm some sort of sexual inadequate?
10:34I have a very full and rich and varied sex life.
10:37Thank you very much.
10:37I don't need anything from a shop like this.
10:40Would you get out, then, sir?
10:42No.
10:44Why not?
10:45It's a secret.
10:52I'll have two bottles of pheromone, please.
10:53Pardon?
10:55I'll have two bottles of pheromone, please.
10:57Pheromones!
10:58Oh, yes.
10:58That's the sex spray for inadequate men who find it impossible to attract women.
11:03Come on, yes.
11:03Isn't it, sir?
11:06I've got no idea.
11:07Not being a pervert, I'm not up on these things.
11:09Your sex spray, gentlemen.
11:13I've got it.
11:14Fantastic.
11:14Give me mine.
11:15Let's go.
11:17I mean, well, well done, doctor.
11:20I'm not a doctor.
11:21Shut up.
11:22We are men of science.
11:28We live our lives on a higher plane than you do, buster,
11:30where truth and purity and virginity are the only things we respect.
11:33That's right, Richie.
11:35Let's get back to the flat, bung a bit of this on,
11:37get down to the pub and see if we can pick up some birds.
11:39Yeah.
11:50Hello, baby.
11:53Feeling mysteriously drawn to me, are you?
11:56Well, don't you worry.
11:57You can have me whenever you like.
12:22Blast these underpants.
12:24I've been soaking them for hours and I still can't get them off.
12:29You know, I've only got one pair of pants.
12:31Yeah.
12:31Well, the elastic went, so I had to glue them on.
12:34You've tried Swarfiga.
12:35Get out of it, mate.
12:36This is a turn-o-gum.
12:37Nothing will shift this.
12:38I've been sitting in a bowl of petrol for the last two hours.
12:41I'll tell you, I'm a walking time bomb, I am.
12:43One curry and I'll blow.
12:44And I'll take off the street with me as well.
12:45Oh, don't you worry, Ritchie.
12:48Within the hour, some pheromone-crazed love goddess will be ripping them off with her teeth.
12:53Oh.
12:54Do you really think so?
12:56No doubt about it.
12:57Oh, God.
12:59I wonder what you'll find down there.
13:01I've had a month for three weeks.
13:03What are you doing here?
13:04Oh, yes.
13:05Where's that biro?
13:06Right.
13:07Chest hair.
13:08What do you think?
13:09Curly or straight?
13:11Curly is a bit suggestive, don't you think?
13:13Yeah, I'd go for curly.
13:14Yeah.
13:15Oh, curly, isn't it?
13:17Curly, curly.
13:18I'm not so sure about the green, no.
13:20I know, but I used to pull the black on my legs.
13:24Uh-oh.
13:25Nose hair.
13:26Tweezers.
13:28What do you mean?
13:30Tweezers.
13:31You've never had any tweezers.
13:32Well, get some pliers, then.
13:37Doesn't matter how much pheromone I put on.
13:38If some bird sees that coming out of out of the dark,
13:41she's likely to pull on it and expect the butler to come in.
13:43There we go.
13:45Which one is it?
13:46It's the third one on the left.
13:50Brace yourself, please.
13:51Because this might make your eyes water.
13:54OK.
14:13You bastard!
14:28No, Eddie, no!
14:29This is stupid!
14:30Yes?
14:31Look, we're going out tonight to get some fantastic birds.
14:35Remember?
14:35We don't have to take out our frustrations on each other.
14:37We can take them out on them.
14:39OK?
14:42OK.
14:42OK.
14:43Come on.
14:44Let's shake and make up.
14:46Brrrr!
14:47Brrrr!
14:48Great guy!
14:51Yeah, that's right, Richie.
14:53Our crumpet-free days are over.
14:55Listen to this.
14:56Spray liberally.
14:58Yeah?
14:58Go to a place with lots of females.
15:01Yeah?
15:01And brace yourself.
15:03God!
15:05Ah!
15:07How much do you think we should put on?
15:08Well, I've already put on half a bottle.
15:10What?
15:10Half a bottle?
15:11Are you insane?
15:13You'll be dead by morning.
15:15Death by sex.
15:17You'll just be lying there and they'll be doing it to you and doing it to you and doing it
15:21to you until...
15:22I think I'll put on half a bottle as well.
15:25Ah, a little bit down, a little bit down, a little bit down, just in case.
15:30Right.
15:31Where's that packet of rubber johnnies we used to have?
15:34We stuck them on our heads, remember, when Norman came round with that sherry?
15:37Great days they were.
15:39Great days.
15:39Oh, well, not to worry.
15:40Let's get some more down the pub.
15:58Blimey, when it said female, I didn't expect the term to be so broad.
16:04Right.
16:05Here we are.
16:07Here we go.
16:09Death by sex, part one.
16:11Right.
16:12Come on.
16:14Look at that crackling bit of crumpet.
16:16Right.
16:17That one's got my number on it.
16:19Okay.
16:21I'll see you later on, pal.
16:22I'm going in.
16:22Okay.
16:23Good luck.
16:23Goodbye.
16:37Bye.
16:38Bye.
16:39Bye.
16:40Bye.
16:40Bye.
16:41Bye.
16:42Bye.
16:44Bye.
16:45Give in.
16:46Give in to your cravings.
16:49I beg your pardon.
16:51Do as you are bid.
16:53You cannot help yourself.
16:56Come back to my place because we're going to have it off.
17:02What do you think you're doing with my wife he's gonna have it off with her I
17:10Don't think he's
17:17Darling don't hurt them. I think it's shocking. They send them back into the community so soon. Yes, that's right.
17:23We're mere loonies. We mean no harm
17:30Come back to my place. We're going to have a door for her. I'm mad
17:34You see Eddie it works
17:37If it hadn't been for that gorilla, I would have been well away
17:40Did you see her she was mesmerized I'll tell you what what it's loosened up my pants a bit, too
17:46This is your lucky day. You're not wrong there. Come on. We'll get the drinks in and then we'll
17:54Landlord
17:56Two halves of my old, please in pint glasses certainly an ale wheat night. Yep
18:04Smells like the drains have gone again
18:08Look at those couple of stummers down there
18:16Yeah, bad will be mate either that or topless models
18:22Look at the way they're sitting screaming for it
18:27They want to have it
18:31They'll be one pound sixty please do yeah just stick it on the slate you haven't got a slate
18:36Yes, we have no you have I demand to see the landlord. I am the landlord. I know we have
18:42this conversation every night one pound
18:44All right, there you are vampire leech bloodsucker
18:49Parasite use your ass
18:51Always worth a try absolutely
18:53Speaking of which let's the tournament commence
19:11Excuse me excuse me
19:19No, there's everything right
19:21My love is that one mine. That's your bed, right?
19:32Right so what's it to me then mild or bitter straight back to our place. I'm sorry that we really
19:37don't want to drink. I think you do
19:47All right
19:47All right, if you must I'll have a coke. Vigo it bloody works. Eddie you get the drinks in I'll
19:52keep the birds white hot
19:52Okay
19:56So little baby
19:59What might your little name be today?
20:02My little name's Kate today same as it was yesterday
20:10My little name's Kate today same as it was yesterday
20:31There again sometimes I wear a cardie
20:34Tell me
20:36Do you like to take people's underpants off with your teeth?
20:40You haven't got a slate
20:42Extortion of parasites
20:43Shut up
20:45Here we go. I suppose if you're wearing dentures
20:47Hey, here's a good one
20:49Anyone fancy a quick gander at the Eiffel Tower?
20:51Hey, this is frightening
20:52No it's not. Eddie, no! No!
20:55Don't do that because
20:57I think it's time to go to the toilet
21:03Eddie wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me?
21:08No I wouldn't
21:30I get it
21:31Johnny's
21:33See, remember girls I'm just about to go
21:36Keep yourselves hot
21:37We shall be by a moment
21:39Adieu
21:41Adieu
21:42To you and you and you
21:45Everyone here, will you get into the laboratory with me? It's instant
21:54We're toilets inspectors
22:00The coast is clear
22:01Right, let's go
22:04Ladders
22:05What kind do you want?
22:07Rubber ones
22:09Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's ticklers, and there's ultra sensitive
22:13Ripped?
22:14Yeah
22:15He's gonna want a ripped condom
22:17That must be for people who want to get pregnant
22:20Well, I don't think ultra sensitive is our style, do you?
22:25Right then, tickler it is
22:27Oh, Nadgers, what colour?
22:29What have they got?
22:30There's black, there's gold, there's Union Jack, or there's leopard skin
22:36Which do you think is the most romantic?
22:38Well, Union Jack, of course
22:39Well, Union Jack tickler then
22:41Okie dokie
22:42Oh, Nadgers, what flavour?
22:45Flavour?
22:45Yeah
22:46Yeah
22:47It's banana
22:48Strawberry
22:49Peanut butter
22:51Marmite
22:51Or cheese and onion
22:56Well, everyone likes cheese and onion, doesn't they?
22:58Of course they do
22:59Okie dokie then
23:00Cheese and onion flavour, Union Jack tickler it is
23:04Fagsy me first go with it
23:07Get two
23:08Get two
23:09Get two?
23:09Yeah
23:09Wild man
23:20Bastard
23:22Bastard
23:23Give me my rubber jolies
23:24Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on
23:25Hang on
23:25I'm the DIY expert
23:28Right, let's have a look at the little fella
23:32Yeah
23:33Yeah, I think I see the problem
23:34What is it?
23:35Ah!
23:35Oh!
23:36There you go!
23:38Give me my jolies
23:39Give me my jolies
23:40Ow!
23:41There's two birds out there in the bar who are just screaming for it
23:43Give me my jolies
23:44Get off, Eddie
23:45Give me my jolies
23:46I just wanna do it and do it and do it to those two birds at the bar
23:49Oh, oh
23:50You wanna what?
23:51Um, he, he, he wants to do it and do it and do it to those two birds at the
23:55bar
23:55Oh, oh
23:57Oh!
23:57Eddie, no!
24:03Eddie, look
24:04More jolies than is humanly possible to use in a week
24:07Right
24:14Come on, that should do for a week
24:16Ha!
24:17Let's go out there before our two crumpets go off the boil
24:20Oh no!
24:22Someone's nicked our birds
24:23Come on, Richie
24:24Let me out of my other sex typhoon
24:27Hello, baby
24:28Eddie, Eddie
24:29Calm down!
24:30That's a chair
24:30Yeah, it's a bit of alright, isn't it?
24:33Eddie, calm down!
24:34Someone's nicked our crumpets!
24:36Oh no!
24:37There they are
24:43Eddie, no! Wrong one!
24:44Ha ha!
24:45Ha ha!
24:49Ha ha ha!
24:50Ha ha ha ha!
24:50Oh!
24:51Oh!
24:52So you move tables
24:54Of course
24:55How silly of me
24:56It's much more romantic in a booth, isn't it, birds?
24:59Look, I'm sorry, but we're having a private conversation
25:01That's alright, you just carry on, we'll sit here and listen
25:04But you'd better hurry up
25:06We haven't got all night
25:08No, I'm sorry, we'd really rather be on our own
25:10Oh
25:12Oh
25:13Oh
25:14Oh
25:14Oh
25:14Oh
25:16Trying to decide which one of us you want to have, are you?
25:22Well, before you decide, let me tell you that, er, tiny Eddie here and I
25:30Share the same flat, so don't worry, you'll both be waking up in the same house
25:35Have me
25:38Have me, I'm a love albatross
25:44Ha ha ha ha ha, yes, although if you play your cards right, you could both wind up sleeping in
25:53the same bed
25:55I'm sorry, you've got the wrong idea, we're really not interested
25:59Besides which, we're lesbians
26:00Well, we're used to it then, but you're what?
26:02We're lesbians
26:03Yes, I know what you said, is this some sort of joke?
26:05Because if it is, I don't think it's very funny
26:06Come on, Kate, let's go
26:07Wait a minute, you sit down there, young lady
26:09I bought you a Coca-Cola in good faith
26:13That's 80 pence you've hoodwinked out of me, 80 pence
26:16When I said, hello, my darling, would you like a Coca-Cola?
26:18Did you say, no, thank you, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm a lesbian?
26:21No, you didn't, not a bit of it
26:22You said, thank you very much, that'd be lovely
26:24No, I didn't, I said, all right, if you must
26:25All right, all right, there's no need to be so pedantic
26:27The fact is, you owe me 80 pence
26:30What do you mean?
26:31Well, you're not going to sleep with me, are you?
26:34There's your 80 pence, come on, let's go
26:36Oh, you're going?
26:37No, wait, wait, wait, look, this is silly, this is so silly
26:40Look, look, look, I'm terribly sorry, look, what the hell?
26:44Let's waive the 80 pence, you know, it's Saturday night, who cares?
26:47No, look, okay, I'm sorry, I have been terribly intolerant
26:51It's not your fault that you're lesbians
26:55Look, please, give me one more chance
26:57Come back to my place, and I'll cure you
27:02What did I say?
27:03No, no, don't go, please, I've got the same ideas about women as you have
27:08I've got loads of magazines at home, you can come back with me and we'll all read them together
27:12I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983, and they just flop open at the luxury pages
27:17Hey, no, wait, wait, I've even taped the clothes show special on beachwear
27:21We can take all our clothes off and watch them in our pants
27:30We can take all our clothes off and watch them in our pants
27:31Yes, is there something wrong?
27:40Great Saturday night
27:41Oh well, may as well have another drink
27:44Landlord, I shall have a lot of
27:45Time, gentlemen, please
27:46You out
27:51Hi, baby
27:56Oh, you smell great
27:58Let's do it
28:00Eddie, get a drink
28:02Lovely, aren't you?
28:04Lovely, lovely, lovely
28:05Eddie!
28:06No!
28:07Richie!
28:08Yes!
28:09Right, I'm off
28:11I'm off
28:12No!
28:12No!
28:13No!
28:13No!
28:14No!
28:19Changed your mind, have you, dearie?
28:21Well, come on then
28:23Plant that big one right on me kisser
28:27Hello.
28:28Hello.
28:29Hello.
28:29Hello.
29:03Hello.
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