'First Day' When his father walks out on his mother and himself, bespectacled, nerdy Will McKenzie is forced to leave his private school and enroll at the local comprehensive, where his accent and appearance make him an easy target for the school #tv #comedy
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00:24Hi, I'm Will, and here are some things I hoped wouldn't happen in my life.
00:28My father would leave my mother.
00:30I'm so sad.
00:31I'd be taken out of private education and forced to go to a normal school.
00:35Well, this is nice.
00:36Where the school nutter would then take a bit of a dislike to me.
00:39I ripped the fucking throat out.
00:42But they do say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, except polio.
00:46And it's not been all bad.
00:48I'm gonna take you outside and I want you to fuck me.
00:51Really?
00:51This is the story of how I made new friends.
00:54Like him.
00:54Friends!
00:55Fucking friends!
00:56And him.
00:58And him.
01:01Him not so much.
01:02And definitely her.
01:03Just to confirm, we are gonna have sex.
01:07But back to the present.
01:08To put you in the picture, I've no friends.
01:10It's my first day and I'm in the headmaster's office for a welcome chat with the rest of the new
01:14kids.
01:15Or, as they're otherwise known, the freaks.
01:19You could be friends with us.
01:21Yep.
01:22Everyone's gonna think I'm one of them.
01:23And in a well-meaning but disastrous move, as a new kid I've got to wear a massive green badge.
01:28At least I could discuss it with my head of sixth, Mr Gilbert. He seemed like an intelligent man.
01:33Mr Gilbert, you seem an intelligent man.
01:35Oh, I seem intelligent. How lovely of you to say.
01:38No, I just meant...
01:40I mean, I've long since been insecure about my capacity for learning, so it's nice to have it ratified by
01:45you. A child.
01:47What I meant was, do you really think these badges that single us out as new kids are a good
01:51idea?
01:52Yes. If you have any more views on it, I suggest you join the School Debating Society. Obviously, you'll have
01:57to start one first.
01:59Oh, my mistake. He's a wanker.
02:03Hello, John. I'm Susie.
02:05And so began my first day.
02:10Is this 6B?
02:12Yeah.
02:13Great. I'm well.
02:17Cool.
02:18The girl decided to meet with a head. And his pet ape, Gilbert. What's his problem?
02:24What?
02:24That Gilbert. What a tosser.
02:27I mean, ooh, I'm Mr Gilbert. I'm such a big, huge, massive freak. And I just love to suck the
02:35headmaster's balls. And then...
02:41Is he behind me?
02:44Did you hear any of that?
02:46Oh, yes.
02:46Can we start again?
02:48As you can see from his rather natty badge, this is your new classmate, Will.
02:52As you share most of the same classes, Cooper, you'll be looking after him.
02:56Sir, that's not fair.
02:57Lesson number one of the sixth form. Life is not fair.
03:00Sir, look at his blazer, for starters. He's got an actual briefcase. His shoes are clumpy. His hair's a bit
03:07gay.
03:07Ooh.
03:08And that badge. I mean, the badge alone.
03:11It's happening. Get used to it.
03:14Oh, one more thing. The first day of term, drink down the black horse. This tradition is not only ridiculous,
03:21but illegal.
03:22Don't get excluded before you've even started.
03:24What's he talking about?
03:26Oh, nothing.
03:27Is everyone going for a drink tonight, then?
03:29Um...
03:29No.
03:30I have to go this way.
03:37Ooh, I'm Will.
03:38Yep, thanks very much.
03:40Oh, hello, Will.
03:41Yeah, this is a very nice, thank you.
03:43Nice badge, Dickon.
03:44Lovely. Fantastic.
03:45You must be, what, year eight?
03:46Ooh, I'm Will.
03:47Well, I've got the spacker badge.
03:48Spacker?
03:49Super, that's not even on the badge, so...
03:50Briefcase wanker.
03:51It was a baggage-themed insult.
03:53Thanks, Mum.
03:53Thanks a munch.
03:56Oi!
03:58Truth be told, the first day nerves had got to me, so I went for what turned out to be
04:02one of the more eventful shits of my life.
04:04I'm just really good at shagging now, that's all I'm saying.
04:07Bollocks.
04:08Well, how do you do it best, then?
04:09Just deep.
04:10Try to get really deep.
04:11Right up to the balls.
04:12And do you put the balls in?
04:14What?
04:15I've heard you've got to put the balls in, really, to make it work.
04:18Yeah, can do.
04:19Some girls like it, some don't.
04:21What?
04:22Stop talking bullshit.
04:23Who are these girls you fuck, then?
04:24Look, while you've spent the summer stalking Carly, I've been out porking loads of veg.
04:29One, I've not been stalking Carly, she's just a friend.
04:31And two, you've never fucked anyone.
04:34Nor have I, nor was Neil.
04:36Shut up, you dickhead!
04:37I've fucked loads of g-
04:49What the fuck are you doing?
04:51Are you trying to look at my cock?
04:52Ha!
04:53Good one.
04:54Fuck off!
04:58I was beginning to wonder what sort of place I'd come to.
05:01And then I found out.
05:09Ha!
05:11Ha!
05:12Ha!
05:12Look at that!
05:13Beautiful!
05:14Ha!
05:15Ha!
05:15Come on, guys!
05:27You're gonna die here, Will.
05:29Okay.
05:29That briefcase's making me wanna punch you.
05:31Of course it does.
05:32What a spastic bag.
05:33That's been pointed out already.
05:34Your shoes are well-shaped.
05:36Yep, the shoes.
05:37Simon!
05:38Alright, how's it going?
05:39What, since about five minutes ago?
05:41Yeah.
05:41Fine.
05:42Great.
05:42I'm trying to find the common room, can you show me where it is?
05:44Um, not really.
05:46Oh.
05:47Posh twat.
05:50Look, it's this way, but do me a favour and just hang back a bit, yeah?
05:53Oh, sure.
06:03Wanker.
06:07I still haven't managed to shake the freaks.
06:10It's not like I was aiming high.
06:11I just wanted to be friends with someone who didn't have a badge on.
06:15Might not go to this thing tonight.
06:17I'm pretty knackered.
06:18We've just had ten weeks off.
06:20Yeah, but he's just spent the last ten weeks wanking three times a day.
06:23That's why he's knackered.
06:24Yeah, that's it.
06:25I've had 210 wanks and my cock's like a pepperami.
06:28Whose cock's like what?
06:30Carly!
06:31Oh, it's just, um, nothing.
06:34Are you coming to the pub tonight, then?
06:35I'll be there.
06:36Great!
06:37That's great.
06:38Are you going, Simon?
06:39Um, not sure.
06:41Sort of more into clubs than pubs.
06:43Yeah, gay clubs.
06:44He's just shitting himself that he won't get served.
06:47No, it's not that.
06:48Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
06:50Can you do me a favour, though?
06:52Sure, anything.
06:53Okay, well, you know what my mum's like.
06:55She'll freak if she hasn't been anywhere near a pub.
06:57So, don't mention it to your folks, yeah?
06:59Sure.
07:00Thanks, hun.
07:02Ooh, do you wear aftershave now?
07:04Oh, just links.
07:08Oh, that's nice.
07:10You're kind of sociology?
07:12Um, nah, I'm good here.
07:14Oh, okay.
07:15Well, I'll see you later, then.
07:20Are you mental?
07:21She's so fit.
07:23Why don't you just walk to class with her?
07:24I just don't feel like it.
07:25Aw.
07:26What's wrong?
07:27Did you get hard on?
07:28Just a pretty girl spoke to you.
07:29Can you fuck off?
07:31Hang on, you haven't actually got a stalk on, have you?
07:34Oh, my God, he's got a boner.
07:36Jay, please.
07:37Oi!
07:38Simon's got a boner!
07:40Boner!
07:40Boner!
07:41Come on!
07:42Come on, let's have a look!
07:42Boner!
07:43Come on, let's have a look!
07:44Show us!
07:44Show us your boner!
07:45So I was left with a choice.
07:47Stick with the freaks, or try to make friends with the boy they now called Boner.
07:51Are you coming to sociology, Simon?
07:53Boner!
07:53Oh, I'll save you a seat.
07:56Thanks!
07:56Well, there you go.
07:57I suppose beggars can't be choosers.
07:59Boner!
08:09And so my quest to make friends went not worse, but certainly not better.
08:13It was as if I had some kind of contagious disease, and to be seen with me was a form
08:17of social death.
08:18Which it is, but I was amazed they worked it out so quickly.
08:21But it wouldn't stop me.
08:22Anyone can be your friend.
08:24You just need to hang around them long enough.
08:28Oh, don't look left, Simon.
08:30There's a girl with a knee-length skirt on.
08:31You might just spunk in your pants.
08:33Yeah, very good.
08:34Hi, Simon.
08:35Alright.
08:35This is Will.
08:36Nice to meet you.
08:37Oh, briefcase.
08:39Yeah, briefcase.
08:40Yes, it's a briefcase.
08:41Oh, briefcase!
08:43Right.
08:44These are your friends?
08:45Where are we meeting tonight, then?
08:46The Black Ball.
08:46It's just out on the London road.
08:48Oh, is this the drink thing?
08:49Great, what time?
08:50You can get there whatever time you like.
08:51You're going on your own.
08:52Oh, I just thought we could all...
08:54Nah, you thought wrong.
08:54Shit, what happens if we don't get served?
08:56Carly would think I'm such a loser.
08:58She'd be right.
08:58She might not get served.
08:59Girls always get served.
09:01As soon as they get tits, they get served.
09:02And fit girls like her definitely always get served.
09:05Well, I'm gonna get served.
09:06And how do you know that?
09:07I've got a fake ID, innit?
09:08A driving license that says I'm 18 years old.
09:10But you're not 18.
09:12Yeah, that's right, Neil.
09:13It's a fake ID.
09:14Oh, no.
09:15Is that your mum?
09:16I told her not to come and pick me up.
09:20She's fit.
09:21Yeah, I'd fuck her.
09:22Thanks very much.
09:23No, but I would, though.
09:24Wouldn't you?
09:25Hmm.
09:25Well, if she's my mum, no.
09:27But if she wasn't?
09:28She is, though, so...
09:29No, but what he's saying is, if she wasn't your mum, would you fuck her?
09:32Oh, are we still doing this?
09:33So you would fuck her?
09:34No.
09:34Look, I just want to know, if you get down between her legs, spread them.
09:37Can we please stop talking about my mother's vagina?
09:41Maybe see you tonight.
09:42You're not invited.
09:43Unless you bring your mum.
09:49Did you have to pin me up?
09:50I just wanted to hear about your first day.
09:53I like your badge.
09:54Why'd you tell them I got bullied at Lauriston?
09:56I thought you were.
09:57No, I wasn't.
09:58I got wedged a couple of times, but that was just a fad.
10:00Oh, well, they wanted a reason, and that's what sprang to mind.
10:02Instead of, I can't afford the school fees anymore.
10:04Yes.
10:05I'm going to the pub tonight.
10:07With who?
10:08Just some friends.
10:09Friends?
10:10Already?
10:10Yes, friends already.
10:12Well, just make sure these so-called friends aren't just making fun of you.
10:15Why would they be doing that?
10:16I just don't want you to get bullied again.
10:18I was not bullied!
10:22Can I borrow 20 quid?
10:25For all the new sixth formers, this would be a massive night.
10:28It wasn't just the dream.
10:29This was an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
10:31A chance for a new start.
10:34And I've told you money's tight.
10:35Do you want me to be called Pikey by my mates?
10:38Do you?
10:39Jay, I've got your dinner.
10:41Don't come in!
10:42Don't come in!
10:43Alright, I won't come in.
10:45Mum, can I borrow 20 quid?
10:47Here's £10.
10:48Just promise me you won't spend it on the fruit machines.
10:51I can't do that, I'm afraid.
10:52Bye!
10:56Of course, it turned out we couldn't reinvent ourselves without our parents noticing.
11:00It's a lot of gel you've got in your hair.
11:01What?
11:02Smells quite strongly too.
11:04Why are you telling this to me now?
11:06I'm just mentioning it.
11:07I can see you've got a lot in, that's all.
11:09What?
11:09I don't...
11:10I mean, I can't wash it now, can I?
11:11I've not got time.
11:12God, I don't know why you are like this sometimes!
11:22Can I borrow 20 quid?
11:23And by borrow, we meant spend and never give back.
11:27Next stop, the pub.
11:35My plan to make friends was working.
11:38Little by little, I was wearing them down.
11:39Hey guys!
11:40Not Ian.
11:41He's alright.
11:42Sorry mate.
11:43Fingering your mum?
11:44Let me think.
11:45Erm, no.
11:45No, I wasn't.
11:46Right, so what's the plan?
11:47We don't need a plan.
11:48We go in there, buy some drinks and then wait for the gash to form an orderly queue.
11:52Sorry, did he actually say gash?
11:53It will be fine.
11:54Relax.
11:55There is nothing relaxing about this.
11:57If we don't get served, I will be humiliated in front of the girl I've lusted after since
12:01she was eight.
12:02You fancy eight year olds?
12:03No, Neil.
12:05Our families are friends, we're both eight.
12:07Yeah, but you still fancied an eight year old?
12:09Come on, I've got ID.
12:10We'll be fine.
12:11You coming in new boy?
12:12I do have a name.
12:13Sorry.
12:13Are you coming then, briefcase mong?
12:15Brilliant.
12:16After you.
12:30Well, this is nice.
12:31Maybe we should come back later.
12:32Don't shit yourself, we're just a hardcore.
12:35I'll get him in.
12:36What are you having?
12:36A pint of lager.
12:37A pint.
12:38Doesn't a pint seem like a lot when you think about it?
12:40I mean, you wouldn't drink pint after pint of orange squash, would you?
12:43What do you want?
12:44A pint.
12:46Of...
12:47Guinness.
12:48Guinness?
12:49Oh, brilliant.
12:50A fruity.
12:54Oi, bruv.
12:56Yes, bruv.
12:57Three pints of lager and a pint of Guinness.
12:59Any ID?
13:00Yeah.
13:00Yeah.
13:03Brett Clement.
13:05Yep.
13:06You know this is an Australian driving licence?
13:09Yep.
13:09So you're Australian?
13:11That's right, mate.
13:12So when's your birthday?
13:1315th of bloody May, 1989.
13:16Is he speaking in an Australian accent?
13:18Sounds like it.
13:20Right.
13:20What do you want again?
13:21Three jars of lager and a Guinness.
13:22Are the other drinks for your mates?
13:24You betcha, cobber.
13:26I'm not serving them unless they've got ID as well.
13:32Where are our drinks?
13:33Oh.
13:34Did you want drinks too?
13:35Well, you'd better go and fucking get them then.
13:37This is tragic.
13:38One pint between four of us.
13:40As Jay has clearly failed, I will deal with this.
13:43I'd never been served in a pub before, but how hard could it be?
13:46Good evening.
13:47Could I have three pints, please?
13:50Do you have any proof of age?
13:51You have my word.
13:53Any ID?
13:54Look, my father's left my mother and I've been forced to go to a comprehensive school.
13:58I've attached myself to a fairly average group and all I'm trying to do is make a few new friends
14:03to make life bearable.
14:05You're human, you understand that.
14:06Now, perhaps you can pour me three non-alcoholic lagers and we won't tell anyone about it.
14:10I'll serve you at all if you're underage.
14:12Right.
14:12You've driven me to this.
14:15The law states 16-year-olds can legally drink cider, peri or mead in a pub if they're eating a
14:20meal.
14:21So I'll have three pints of cider and three carvery dinners, please.
14:24It also states if it is bought by an adult and they are accompanied by an adult.
14:28No adult, no alcohol, I'm afraid.
14:30This isn't over.
14:31Hello, sir.
14:32My name's William.
14:33I'll pay for your drinks all night if you'll just order me three pints of cider and three carvery dinners
14:38and then come and sit with my friends and me.
14:39You don't have to talk to us.
14:40You merely need to stay sitting with us.
14:46You all right?
14:47Cherry olive, three ciders, three carveries and four double rum and cokes, please, mate.
14:52As many as four.
15:00Sorted.
15:01Who's that?
15:02Well, this is, what's your name?
15:04Steve.
15:04Steve.
15:05He'll be joining us.
15:06Why?
15:06All right, Steve.
15:07Where are our drinks?
15:09It's a long story that involves Steve as well.
15:11Now, before we get our cider.
15:12Cider?
15:13Yes, cider.
15:15We've got to go to the carvery.
15:16Have you gone mental?
15:18What's Carney going to think?
15:19Yeah, Simon's pretty cool.
15:20Whenever he goes out, he always has meat and gravy with his booze.
15:23Well, we're not going to get served unless we each get a carvery.
15:25Nice work, briefcase.
15:27Oh, for Christ's sake.
15:30You come in then, Neil.
15:31Get mine for me.
15:37All right?
15:39Yep.
15:43I just lost ten quid on a fruity.
15:47Oh, really?
15:47Yeah.
15:53Hey!
16:02Oh, shit.
16:02It's from Carly.
16:03Oh, brilliant.
16:04Is she asking if your fit mate Jay's coming?
16:07No, she's saying it's so patched she can't see where we are.
16:12Is she a retard?
16:13She's in the Black Horse.
16:15Where are we?
16:16Black Bull.
16:16Right, so we're in the wrong pub.
16:18Let's go.
16:19Well, let's not be hasty.
16:20We've got three carveries on the way.
16:21Neil, how could you confuse the Black Bull with a black horse?
16:24Oh, come on.
16:24That was half right.
16:34Boner!
16:35Boner!
16:35Boner!
16:36Boner!
16:38Boner!
16:39I'm going to find Carly.
16:40Boner!
16:41Who's around?
16:42No boys.
16:42Again?
16:43Yep.
16:44Aw.
16:47Simon!
16:48Simon!
16:49Hi.
16:49Where have you been?
16:50Come and sit down.
16:52Hi.
16:55Don't be shy.
16:56Squeeze up.
16:57Oh, really?
16:58Yeah.
16:59Tom's just coming back with the drinks.
17:01Cool.
17:05Boner!
17:05Boner!
17:06Boner!
17:09So, Tom, this is Simon I was telling you about.
17:12You all right, mate?
17:12Yeah, a bit of piss.
17:14Been to the Black Bull first just to sharpen up.
17:16Wow, this is in you, Simon.
17:17I remember you used to cry when your dad pulled whiskey over the Christmas pudding.
17:21At least it didn't make myself sick of my plate when it had peas on it.
17:24Thanks for bringing that up.
17:28Oh.
17:30Lee shop!
17:31Lee shop!
17:31Lee shop!
17:32Lee's definitely Lee shop!
17:33Lee shop!
17:34Lee shop!
17:34Lee shop!
17:35Oh, you're a king.
17:38Lee shop!
17:39Four pints, please.
17:40I.D. please.
17:41You've got to be kidding me.
17:43Can't serve you without I.D.
17:45Do you do food?
17:46The kitchen's closed.
17:47I'll just say the four pints then.
17:49I'll just see your I.D. then.
17:50Look, I've spent all night trying to buy one drink so I can take part in this poxy school tradition.
17:56so I'd like four pints of lager, please.
18:02ID, please.
18:08We should get going, Carl.
18:10Oh, yeah.
18:11You're going already?
18:12We've been here for two hours.
18:13Sure.
18:14Do you want a lift back, Simon? Tom's got a car.
18:17Of course he has.
18:18Nah.
18:19Come on, Carl. See you, mate.
18:20See you later, Simon. Bye.
18:21Bye. See you.
18:24Lee shop. Lee shop. Lee shop. Definitely Lee shop. Lee shop.
18:28Lee shop.
18:31Four pints of lager ID.
18:35Look.
18:36What?
18:37Just look around you.
18:39Everyone in this bloody pub is underage.
18:41Shut up.
18:43He's underage.
18:45She's underage.
18:47He looks a bit older because he's uglier, but he's in the year below even me.
18:51Look at that bum fluff.
18:5316.
18:54That bra's got padding in it.
18:5716.
18:58His mum still buys his trousers.
19:0116.
19:0216.
19:04Atta push 17.
19:0516.
19:06And this one, Mark Donovan.
19:08Yeah, he looks old and he's meant to be hard, but he's still only 16.
19:13All these people you've served, whatever bloody ID they used, are underage.
19:21Right.
19:22We're closed.
19:23Everyone out.
19:24You lot are all bad.
19:27Out.
19:28You lot.
19:29All right.
19:30Drink this.
19:31Oh.
19:36Nice to see you again, Mackenzie.
19:38And congratulations on doing my job for me.
19:41I'll make sure you get another badge for this.
19:44Sir.
19:45Now, get out.
19:45I want to have a pint.
19:48A pint of lager, please, Ian.
19:51I don't care how fit your mum is.
19:52I want to be seen dead in the car with you.
19:54You coming, sir?
19:57I'll break it.
20:00Why are you staying with that bellend?
20:02I am here.
20:03Yeah, I wish you weren't.
20:04See you later then.
20:08What a first day.
20:09I'm such a twat.
20:10Yes, you are.
20:11That was pretty specialist back there.
20:13His mum still buys his trousers was a personal highlight.
20:16Thanks.
20:17I made that up.
20:18Who is that guy with Carly?
20:20A friend who didn't need ID and had a car.
20:23I'm sorry, mate.
20:24Nah, it's okay.
20:26Please don't hit me.
20:27No, I'm not going to hit you here.
20:29But I will get you.
20:30You won't know when it's coming, but it's coming.
20:32At some point in the next year, I will get you.
20:39Is that your mum?
20:41She is fit.
20:42Thanks.
20:43Lovely to meet you, Mrs Mackenzie.
20:45I will see you later, Will, yeah?
20:47Nice to meet you.
20:49He seems nice.
20:50He's the school psycho who just threatened to kill me.
20:53Oh, I'm glad you're making friends.
20:54Do mums ever listen?
20:56I'd had an eventful first day.
20:57My quest for friends had led to me alienating the entire school.
21:01And the psychotic head of sixth form.
21:04And the really good news is, I'm now on the school nutters to stab list.
21:08If he doesn't shag my mum first.
21:10Maybe I should have just stuck with the freaks.
21:12At least things can only get better.
21:14Or they could just stay the same.
21:16Or get worse.
21:17Don't look back into the sun
21:20Now you know that the time has come
21:23And they said it would never come for you
21:26Oh, my friends, you haven't changed
21:31You're looking rough and living strange
21:34And I know
21:35You're gonna say it's for a two
21:37Oh, my friend
21:39Oh, my friend
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