- 9 hours ago
Zero Stars Season 1 Episode 2
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00It made me feel like she has a lot of confidence
00:02for someone who's already toppled a kayak.
00:04And also, I think we should turn round now.
00:08Woo-hoo!
00:10We're here, baby.
00:11Most travelers avoid bad reviews.
00:14Let's see what the review says.
00:15One star.
00:16One star.
00:16I've never seen anything more stupid.
00:18If I could give it zero stars, I would.
00:20But not us.
00:21I'm a woman in a man's world.
00:22I make up my own mind.
00:24I'm Sarah Pascoe.
00:25I'm brilliant at this.
00:27I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:28Come on, fishy, fishy.
00:30We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
00:33As someone who has received bad reviews,
00:35I will always try to look to the good.
00:36So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
00:39They were so busy typing in their phone only
00:41that they forgot to look out.
00:42And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
00:45I'm Clones, so it's nothing to be afraid of.
00:47My review is 100 stars.
00:49But will this Journey of Salvation be a five-star funfest?
00:53I'm an absolute killer!
00:54Yes!
00:56Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
00:59Hell!
01:16Oh, smell that air.
01:19Lovely air.
01:21Bergen.
01:21That question mark does make me doubt myself.
01:24Bergen?
01:25Is it?
01:26Bergen?
01:26It must be.
01:27They wouldn't have let us off the plane.
01:28Well, it's making me feel like,
01:29are you sure you want to get off here?
01:31Yeah.
01:31Oslo's not that far.
01:33You could go somewhere warmer.
01:35Do you know Norway well?
01:36I've been here before.
01:37Yeah?
01:38I ate reindeer.
01:39Oh, right, OK.
01:40And it tasted like fishy fruit, and I nearly vomited.
01:42Oh, no.
01:43Yeah, so don't be ordering that for me.
01:44I know you won't.
01:45I won't.
01:46I'm going to ruin Christmas.
01:47That's awful.
01:48Have you been here before, have you?
01:49Three times, it's so expensive here.
01:51I phoned my bank when I got back, because I was drunk,
01:53and I'd gone and got snapped.
01:55And they're like, that's all your money got?
01:56No, I was like, I didn't spend £100.
01:57They went, you did, and a 7-Eleven.
01:58Ten years of telly down the drain.
02:00Come there, let's go and have a nice expensive holiday.
02:04Norway.
02:05One reviewer said, every time we sat down to eat,
02:07a hundred quid disappeared.
02:09Talk about the magic of the fjords.
02:13Norway is small, but exports a lot of gas for its size.
02:16Hashtag relatable.
02:17This means high prices and high living standards.
02:20So cities like Bergen are full of swanky, fancy places to enjoy.
02:25And we won't be going to any of them.
02:27It really is in the middle of nowhere.
02:29Now I know why they're like, Bergen?
02:32Bergen?
02:33Are we still in Bergen?
02:35Idyllically located miles from anywhere, Podtown.
02:41This isn't it, though.
02:44It says Podtown, your private space in a lively place.
02:47Lively's pushing it.
02:49This can't be it.
02:50This is all rusty.
02:51It's definitely it.
02:52The pictures make it look much more glamorous, much more like Japan.
02:55Sort of like Pod living.
02:56OK, I've got a check-in instruction.
02:58Hang on.
02:59It's self-cleaning.
03:00It's fine.
03:01Self-cleaning?
03:02We have to clean it ourselves.
03:02There's no private toilet in the unit at the moment.
03:06However, a 24-hour gas station with restroom facilities is just a seven-minute walk away.
03:12I get up at least once for a wee in the night.
03:15Reviews?
03:15I mean, let's see what these people say.
03:17Three stars.
03:18Three stars?
03:20This is a decent place to stay in relation to the price.
03:22I think that's the thing, it's cheap, isn't it?
03:23Right, OK, it's Norway, it's only four billion pounds.
03:25Yeah, I mean, this is cost the same as a sandwich here.
03:26Yeah.
03:27We're in town for a wedding.
03:28It's a nice place, but to be a little impractical without a toilet and a bathroom.
03:31What?
03:32A little impractical?
03:33That's illegal.
03:34You can't hire out a hotel.
03:35We don't know the rules in Norway.
03:38Surely, worldwide.
03:38The UN has got to be honest, haven't they?
03:40The important business.
03:41In around the UN.
03:43Do you want to see it?
03:44Right, let's go in.
03:45Let's try and be positive.
03:46We're in beautiful country.
03:48One reviewer said,
03:49I'd rather sleep in a barrel than use pod town again.
03:52Well, at least it's a bargain.
03:53We paid just £90 a night.
03:56Oh, Norway.
04:00Oh, OK, so it is, oh, it is very sort of, er, sci-fi inside.
04:08Look at these lovely chairs.
04:09It's a bit of a, er, fucking mess.
04:15I'm sort of stunned.
04:17Where's the mattresses?
04:18And what's this bag of crap?
04:20Oh, there's a Coke thing.
04:21Oh, God, this is someone else's mess.
04:23Because they're meant to have cleaned it.
04:24There's brown stuff on that towel,
04:25and there's, that Coke has got lumps of something in it.
04:29It smells a little bit. It does smell.
04:30That might be my fear.
04:32Don't get in it.
04:33Oh, my God, is it moving?
04:35Oh, God.
04:37How can this be allowed?
04:39Sarah, there's a toilet.
04:40What do you mean there's no toilet?
04:41They said you have to go to the petrol station.
04:43They said there's no private toilet.
04:44What do you mean?
04:45Oh, my God.
04:47It's horrible.
04:48It's horrible.
04:49How does someone give it a three-star review?
04:52Does this work?
04:53The door, if this door button works...
04:55Hello.
04:56Come on.
04:57Careful if you don't lock yourself in there.
04:58No, I'm just trying to see if the button...
04:59Oh, there you go.
05:00A bit of privacy for the lady.
05:01Now I can have a wee.
05:03I'm just trying to see if this button works, but it doesn't.
05:09Can you not open it?
05:11Oh, I've locked myself in.
05:12Have I?
05:13Oh, no, stop.
05:14You've locked yourself in.
05:16Help!
05:16Help!
05:17The murderer!
05:21Well, I thought we've got to get some joy out of this absolute shit bit.
05:26Something felt up about Podtown, and it wasn't just the portable toilet full of piss.
05:31I'm just going to check.
05:33Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:34We're not in the right one.
05:35This is...
05:36This is our bathroom.
05:38What?
05:38This is our toilet.
05:40Oh, oh, my God.
05:42Ours is round the corner.
05:43Thank God for that.
05:45D8.
05:46D8.
05:46Oh, fingers crossed.
05:48Come on.
05:48Come on.
05:49Come on.
05:50Oh, Sarah.
05:51It's a win.
05:52It's clean.
05:53There's mattresses.
05:54Oh, nice.
05:55Oh, it's really nice.
05:57Luxury is not a pleasure, but pleasure is a luxury.
06:00Oh, it's lovely.
06:02And now we know we've got a private bathroom round the corner.
06:05There's an air outlet and a sleep mode.
06:07Light.
06:08Oh!
06:11This is lovely.
06:12This is what I was envisioning, and I like it very much.
06:14It's like when you've got an all right boyfriend after a really bad man.
06:21We're heading to town for some food with a skip in our step.
06:24This is it.
06:25This is it.
06:26Taste of Norway, baby.
06:27Ladies first.
06:29Taste of Norway describes itself as an adventurous experience.
06:33So far, so concerning.
06:36Let me read a review to you.
06:38Two stars.
06:38The buffet was unexceptional and the decor frightful.
06:41By the way, the toilet offered the exotic view of a couple of pair of socks hung up to dry.
06:47That is very strange.
06:48I need to see these socks.
06:50Bring us to your socks.
06:51Come to the toilets with me.
06:52We've come to Norway.
06:53We want to see your socks.
06:57Huh.
06:58It's so clearly a display.
07:00It's really cute.
07:02What?
07:03People are absolute arseholes.
07:04Imagine giving a bride review.
07:06They've obviously never been to the theatre.
07:10If anything, I'd say it'd be good if they had a little woman sitting there.
07:13I'd go all in even more.
07:15So she's just sitting?
07:16You know, like you have a bathroom attendant, but I'd have her dressed in the gear like that.
07:20Your socks need washing?
07:22This is it.
07:23Five stars.
07:23Wash your socks.
07:25Right.
07:26Let's go and have a bit of a taste of Norway.
07:29Taste of Norway offers a Norwegian buffet, two words I've never heard together.
07:33But surely it's the perfect way to enjoy Norwegian culinary delights
07:37like these slices of brown.
07:41Maybe our host can help.
07:42Hello.
07:43Hi, welcome.
07:45This is the buffet.
07:46We have four stations.
07:47This is the cold start.
07:49Oh, okay.
07:49And I've just seen you serve whales.
07:51Yeah, we do.
07:52We do.
07:52That's a whale.
07:53It's smaller than I thought.
07:55I don't think it's the whole thing.
07:57What else are you killing?
07:58A reindeer.
07:59A moose.
08:00No one's safe in the woods or the water.
08:02Yeah.
08:02So I'm going to have a little bit of this because Sarah's vegan.
08:04Go ahead.
08:04Is there anything veggie then, do you reckon?
08:06So we have bread.
08:08Because this is a very typical Norwegian treat.
08:10I'll have the bread.
08:10Yeah, Sarah does all the bread eating.
08:12I do all the meat eating.
08:13Okay.
08:13How much am I allowed?
08:15Not too...
08:15Oh, really?
08:16Whoa, oh, it's really filling.
08:17Yeah, I'm a hungry girl.
08:19Sarah had the bread covered.
08:20So it was down to me to taste every other taste of Norway there is.
08:24Hmm.
08:25Ooh, what's this?
08:26That is a herring.
08:27Ooh, I'll have a little bowl.
08:28This is called rømgrøt.
08:30Good enough for the Vikings.
08:31Good enough for me.
08:32Fish cakes?
08:33Yes, please.
08:34That looks delicious, actually.
08:36Reindeer meatballs.
08:36Why not?
08:37Fish soup.
08:38I'll have a bit of that as well.
08:39Get a couple of bits of those, Sarah.
08:40Oh, that's a good soup.
08:41Are you going to be okay with that?
08:42I'm holding these, yeah.
08:43I feel like I'm so greedy I've got to help, but I don't normally get filmed at buffets
08:46and now I see why.
08:47This is a good trial for your only friends.
08:51Just that's enough, though.
08:52I don't want to be a greedy gut.
08:54Right, Sarah, let's do this.
08:56Look at this.
08:56You've got some flaps to get to my bread.
09:01You all right?
09:02You've got so much.
09:05How's that eat some of your fishy soup?
09:07I'll tell you what I've got.
09:08Fish.
09:09First up, a Scandi classic pickled herring.
09:12I feel like a feeder just watching you.
09:14Did you like that?
09:16A bit more.
09:19It's actually nice.
09:20No, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
09:22Nice and then.
09:26Spit it out.
09:30I just didn't drink it.
09:33I look like Hannibal Lecter.
09:37What's that cake like, then?
09:39Well, it is dry cake, like they said.
09:42Luckily, I'm being brought some vegan food by my knight in shining waistcoat.
09:47She was very happy with her 19 bits of bread, though.
09:50That's really kind.
09:53The broccoli is absolutely outstanding.
09:55It's flavoured up the wazoo.
09:58Where is the wazoo on a broccoli?
10:00I'm going to try this sort of risotto.
10:02It's an old Viking dish that they had at weddings.
10:04OK.
10:05To the bride and groom!
10:07Oh, it's good stuff.
10:08I think I'm Norwegian in spirit.
10:12Next on the menu, the mystery of the brown slices is solved.
10:16It's Norwegian speciality, brown cheese.
10:21Oh, yeah.
10:23What?
10:25I've never said what to do.
10:27What is happening?
10:28There isn't words for this.
10:29What happened?
10:30It's toffee.
10:31There's a toffee bit.
10:31What?
10:32It's turned into toffee.
10:33It feels like I'm eating toffees that have been left on top of cheese.
10:36It's a magical place, Nora, isn't it?
10:38It may be the best thing I've ever tasted.
10:41Is it?
10:45I'm going to be gross.
10:46Are you ready?
10:48I wasn't ready.
10:49It's sort of like toffee.
10:50I wasn't ready.
10:52I'll never be ready.
10:54It's like a toffee texture.
10:56Yeah, but I believed you.
10:58Did you have been showing it out of your mouth?
11:01You see what you vegans are sneakily getting up to behind our backs?
11:04It'll make you realise.
11:05Oh, hello.
11:05Vegans drink like Vikings.
11:07Oh.
11:08What?
11:09And you need some mead.
11:11Some mead?
11:14I'll bring.
11:15Thank you very much.
11:17You've got me soft footsteps.
11:19I'll tell you that.
11:21Ah, yes.
11:22Apple juice.
11:22The drink of Vikings who are doing dry jam.
11:25Skye.
11:26Skye.
11:27Skye.
11:27Skye.
11:29Skye.
11:36Yeah, we need doggy bags, please.
11:43We're in Norway.
11:44One online review says this disgusting country is disgusting.
11:48And today we're heading out to see just how disgusting it is.
11:51Yeah, not that disgusting, really.
11:53It's so pretty.
11:54I cannot believe how beautiful these wooden houses are.
11:57I don't know, the big mountain behind them.
11:59Bergen means seven mountains or something.
12:02What does Bergen mean?
12:04Seven mountains?
12:05Seven?
12:06Is there something like a mountain?
12:07But Bergen is also one of Norway's busiest ports, with over 300 cruise ship visits a year,
12:13taking passengers to see the beautiful fjords.
12:16But I've found a way of getting out on the water without spending a penny.
12:20Or whatever they spend in Norway.
12:23Norwegian pennies.
12:24This is exciting.
12:25This is getting right on a fjord.
12:27Couldn't be more Norwegian.
12:28It's free, which also couldn't be less Norwegian.
12:33Oh, it doesn't cost money, but I think that's because it's work, technically.
12:36Hello.
12:36Hello there.
12:37Hi, I'm Sarah.
12:38I'm Andreas.
12:39I'm Roshi.
12:39Nice to meet you.
12:40Nice to meet you.
12:41So, what is this experience?
12:43It's basically a concept where you get to rent a kayak for free.
12:47You get out here and you explore the scenery, and then you pick up rubbish by the coastline.
12:53What kind of rubbish do you have out there?
12:54We have all kinds.
12:55Beer cans, we even have those electric scooters.
12:59And can we keep anything we find, like an electric scooter?
13:01If you want to, but the last time that happened, it exploded outside here.
13:05So, don't do that.
13:07So, basically, you don't have to pay for it if you go and do your job.
13:10If something might explode.
13:11And then, when you come back here, you get to weigh the trash,
13:14and it's reported so they'll know how much trash has been picked.
13:17And what about turning over?
13:19What are the chances of us capsizing?
13:21Basically, none.
13:22Will you hear us if we scream?
13:24Oh, Christ.
13:25I have a good hearing.
13:26Okay, great.
13:26Well, let's hope so.
13:27So, this is all our stuff.
13:28Today, we're going out canoeing, getting rubbish, saving the world.
13:33As a favour to Norway, you're welcome.
13:35I think we'll probably get NBEs, or whatever the equivalent is in Norway.
13:40Do they have a royal family here?
13:41No, of course they don't.
13:42They do have a royal family.
13:43Okay, well, I think the king's going to give a surprise.
13:46So, how often do you do this?
13:48Well, I help people with it.
13:50You don't actually ever do it yourself?
13:52Nah.
13:55He's never done it.
13:56I mean, that does worry me, Roche.
13:58Well, of course it should.
13:59I'm quite scared of open water.
14:01I lost my voice in open water as a child.
14:03It feels like I'm going to tip you.
14:04It won't, I promise.
14:05It does feel like I'm going to tip you.
14:07It's not going to tip.
14:07It's a cold, open water.
14:09I always think if I tip over, I'm going to scream, but no one's going to hear me.
14:14Are you going to do us?
14:15Ah, let's see.
14:17All you want is someone who you trust to explain how it works.
14:20Okay, that was the wrong key.
14:21It's the wrong key.
14:22Andreas, do you even work here?
14:24Andreas comes out and he said, oh, I've never been on a kayak.
14:27Then he couldn't do the keys.
14:28I don't think you work here.
14:29You've never done it before.
14:30You don't have the right keys.
14:31I just wandered up here.
14:33Very lovely.
14:34It's a little bit frightening.
14:36Eric to the rescue.
14:36Okay, we're ready.
14:38We're ready.
14:39There we go.
14:40It's time for us to get out there and clean up this filthy town.
14:44Watch out.
14:44I'm about to hit something.
14:45Oh, God.
14:46Sorry.
14:46It's just I've not been very elegant.
14:48There we go.
14:48We sort of need to left and right at the same time.
14:51Okay.
14:52There we go.
14:53Do you reckon next year they'll do Oxford, Cambridge and then Roshid and Sarah in the third boat?
14:58Woo!
14:59Fucking hell.
15:00Try again.
15:01Right.
15:02Oh, the wind's not in our favour.
15:04No.
15:04Are you rowing?
15:05Yeah.
15:05Okay, let's go find some litter.
15:08But first, we need to make it out of the harbour.
15:11We need to go around.
15:12I'm going to hit this boat if we just drift.
15:14Let's just...
15:15Oh, dear.
15:16Okay.
15:16Are you okay?
15:17Yep.
15:17Yep.
15:18Yep.
15:19Yep.
15:19Oh, no.
15:20Not again.
15:20It's just too late.
15:21We're going to hit this one.
15:24Shit, they're bad.
15:26We've got our own system, really, when you think about it.
15:28We have, yeah.
15:29We sort of boat like pinball.
15:34That way or that way?
15:35I'll just go straight out, head for home.
15:38The English Channel!
15:40Here we come!
15:42Are there any Norwegian songs for sailing?
15:45Er, they must be, mustn't they?
15:48I don't know if we can clear that.
15:49They don't yodel, do they?
15:50We need, like, a sea shanty.
15:51Yeah.
15:52There you go high and we go low.
15:54Like, Norse, it can't be that different from, like, Scottish.
15:57Imagine Vikings arriving on these boats.
16:00We should have worn little horns in our hats.
16:02Maybe that'd be offensive, actually.
16:04What's happened to be a bit more litter?
16:07Should we collect some seaweed?
16:09Well, that's the only thing.
16:11I think they've, they're very clean.
16:13I haven't seen a single crisp packet.
16:15Not so much as a cigarette butt.
16:17I've not seen one thing.
16:18It's a really weird feeling to be disappointed that there's not more litter.
16:22It's been ravaged by other kayakers.
16:24They've gone in.
16:25There's nothing left.
16:26Norway's too clean!
16:28They've had an absolute run-on of people in the green kayaks.
16:31But suddenly, we had bigger problems to deal with.
16:35It's getting very choppy now, Sarah.
16:36I think we need to get away from these rocks.
16:38Sarah, we need to move.
16:39It's mad.
16:40I know, but we're going the other way.
16:41We're going to hit the wall.
16:43I know, we are.
16:43It's too wavy.
16:44Is this what seamen see just before they die?
16:46Quick, quick.
16:47We've got to turn around.
16:48This is going to tip us.
16:50I'm trying!
16:52Oh, there's a GoPro in the water.
16:53The GoPro's on the rocks.
16:54The GoPro's in the water.
16:55Oh, fuck, it's gone.
16:57We then did smash the GoPro.
16:59It's gone, it's gone.
17:00No, it's not.
17:01It's there.
17:01I need the net.
17:02And Sarah went to climb out of the boat in the open water to get it.
17:05Don't stand out of the boat!
17:06Don't stand out of the boat!
17:07I'm just kneeling.
17:08I'm just kneeling.
17:09You're going to tip me in the water.
17:10I won't tip you in the water.
17:11Fucking hell.
17:12I thought that was mad.
17:14I can't believe our littering is just rescuing a GoPro.
17:18We did rescue something.
17:20We just sort of had to lose it first.
17:22It's quite an odyssey, really.
17:23I'm soaking.
17:26We were heading back with nothing to show but wet socks and a camera that would never GoPro again.
17:32But then...
17:33Oh, there's something.
17:34There's something in the water.
17:35It's a banana peel!
17:36A banana peel!
17:37It's a banana peel!
17:38Get it!
17:39Get it!
17:40Oh, my God.
17:41Yeah!
17:42Woo!
17:44A biodegradable banana peel!
17:47It doesn't matter.
17:48It was unsightly.
17:49Banana peel!
17:50Yes, it may only be one banana skin, but I have contributed to the removal of rubbish from this beautiful
17:55water.
17:56Oh, if that banana was sitting in the sea, I wouldn't have slept tonight.
18:00Oh, shit.
18:01Oh, that was lovely and relaxing.
18:03Oh, that was lovely.
18:06Andreas, we've worked really hard.
18:08Norway is welcome for our service.
18:11Can you just tell us how many kilograms of rubbish we collected?
18:14Yeah, let's see.
18:15I'm going to turn this thingy on.
18:16Pretend you've used it before.
18:18Yeah, stare at it.
18:19Like an alien concept.
18:22Oh, yes.
18:22Yeah, well, it's 0.0 kilograms or 0.0 pounds.
18:25Well, I'm going to throw it back in the water.
18:27I like weight.
18:28They're very healthy.
18:29They weigh nothing.
18:30It's organic.
18:30Listen, Norway is very clean.
18:33Why are you luring people out here with this sort of like, we need help.
18:36Come and clean our waters.
18:37It's absolutely spotless out there.
18:39It gives you an opportunity to explore the coastline in ways you wouldn't otherwise.
18:45We definitely explored.
18:46We saw some of those rocks really close up.
18:48Yeah, exactly.
18:50Anyway, it was really lovely to meet you.
18:52Likewise.
18:52Oh, it was wonderful fun.
18:54Loads of the bad reviews in Norway are because of how expensive things are.
18:58So it's a real boon to find something that is completely free and enjoyable.
19:02But I can't say if this is a great free way to see Bergen because I only saw this bit
19:06here.
19:08And you can see that from here.
19:11So we decided to see more of the city using a method so budget friendly,
19:15it was invented before money was even a thing, walking.
19:20That was lovely.
19:22It is lovely.
19:23And it's kind of pumping.
19:25Yeah.
19:26On a Saturday afternoon.
19:27Yeah.
19:28And my number one criteria for judging the quality of a city, dog vibes.
19:36Can I say hello to the doggy?
19:38Oh, my God.
19:39Hello, doggy.
19:40Oh, hello.
19:42Is this what it's like when you've got a man who keeps looking at other women?
19:47I think the dogs are outstanding.
19:49And I think that is, for me, a big green flag.
19:53Do you reckon you could live here?
19:54Yeah, if I run away from my family.
19:57If I did live here, one thing I'd probably end up doing is the country's national sport.
20:03Skiing.
20:0470% of Norwegians own a pair of skis.
20:06The other 30% presumably just go down on a tea tray.
20:09But how do they practice when there's no snow on the slopes?
20:12We've come to an empty car park to find out.
20:17It feels...
20:18Like we're going to Fight Club.
20:19Yeah, like we're meeting at the Romford lot.
20:21Meeting the Romford lot behind the ice rink.
20:24Sort this out once and for all.
20:27Where... I can't see anyone.
20:29I can't even imagine what a roller ski looks like.
20:31I think they do it to practice in when they can't get on the slopes.
20:34It's a real...
20:34Like this is genuinely where they practice apparently.
20:38Would you like to hear some reviews?
20:40One start.
20:40The first time I ever saw this here in Norway, my first thought was,
20:43OK, Norwegians have finally lost it.
20:47It's excessive, isn't it?
20:48And it's just not a very...
20:49As a review, it lacks any sort of like pizzazz.
20:55Look, to add wheels and then go really fast in a car park, that's fun, right?
20:58Yeah.
21:00If indeed it even exists.
21:01Yeah, we haven't seen them yet.
21:03No.
21:04It does feel like we're going to get mugged,
21:05like we've arranged to come and buy drugs.
21:07No-one would mug you in such sort of open space.
21:13Wow.
21:14Oh, God, this must be there.
21:16Here they are.
21:17The cavalry is arriving.
21:20That is a weird sport.
21:22OK, they're coming now.
21:24We've got to stop laughing.
21:25Look serious.
21:25Wow, they're fast.
21:27Hi.
21:28Hi.
21:29Hi.
21:30Hi.
21:31Oh, they're very...
21:32Oh!
21:34Hello.
21:35Hello.
21:36Very good.
21:37Are you allowed to do that in the streets?
21:39We do it anyway.
21:40Oh, OK.
21:41Bad boys.
21:42Like your style.
21:42I'm Roisin.
21:43I'm Sarah.
21:43Hi.
21:44Hi.
21:45How long have you been doing this for?
21:46And are you a gang?
21:48Yeah, I would say so.
21:50So we've been practicing since we was 12, I think.
21:53Oh, wow.
21:54Is this very popular in Norway, what you're doing?
21:56Yeah.
21:56As we say, Norwegians are born with skis on their feet.
21:59Someone has given birth twice.
22:01I'm like, ugh.
22:04Do you have to practice for the actual slope,
22:06or is it a separate thing on its own?
22:07Yeah, we're practicing for the cross-country skis in the winter.
22:11OK.
22:12You'd compete...
22:12Yeah, in the summer we compete with rubber skis sometimes,
22:15but it's more often in the winter.
22:17OK, I see.
22:18How long do you think it will take us to learn how to do this?
22:20So have you been skiing before or...
22:22No, we've not been skiing ever.
22:24So this is going to be interesting.
22:25Balance must be important.
22:27Yeah, yeah.
22:27Check this out.
22:28Maybe the most important.
22:29That's good.
22:29I think it's safe for ages.
22:32They're all like, oh, she's going to be good.
22:35Now to practice for a sport we've never done before
22:37on a hard tarmac surface.
22:40When he's taking his left foot down,
22:43his right pole is going there.
22:44Is that opposite?
22:44It's the opposite life.
22:46OK.
22:47Always when we come to a country,
22:49I want to try things that normal tourists don't get a chance to do.
22:52When you watch other people going really fast on something,
22:54you think, oh, that's really fun.
22:56Let me at them.
22:56And then I was instantly chastened by the danger element.
23:00Oh, shit.
23:01There we go.
23:02There we go.
23:03It doesn't feel very elegant when you turn back round.
23:05It's not when you turn, though.
23:08All right, OK, going too far.
23:09Start.
23:10It feels like it's something that someone's cursed us with.
23:13For the rest of your days, you will have wheels for feet.
23:16Yeah, I'm sort of getting the hang of it.
23:21Yeah, like that.
23:22You're doing really great for doing it the first time.
23:25Ha-ha.
23:25Oh, it was very much an enjoyable experience.
23:28Oh, boo.
23:29If Roisin had been a bit more steady,
23:31I think we'd have had more fun because I was partly worried.
23:34Oh, god.
23:36It's too fast.
23:37How do I stop?
23:39It's very frightening because you just think you're going to fall the whole time.
23:43Help me!
23:45It's like ice skating, but you normally have something you can hold on to for ages.
23:49And I did, but it was a 16-year-old or, you know, just like...
23:54I want to stop.
23:58But what I'm hoping is in this edit, you'll just speed me up really fast
24:02and put really good music on it, it'll make me look cool.
24:06Morning!
24:10Help, help, help!
24:12Fuck this.
24:13Have you ever done this with anyone worse?
24:16Er...
24:16No, not that great.
24:19See, that feels fantastic.
24:20Maybe I would like skiing as long as it was sort of flat.
24:23I didn't want to look like I was having a great time while Roisin was struggling,
24:27but it was really fun.
24:28I absolutely disagreed with the reviews.
24:29I don't think the Norwegians have finally lost it.
24:31This seems to me like common sense.
24:32You can't ski on snow, you pop some wheels on.
24:35Clogs, on the other hand, from Denmark, wooden shoes, you know?
24:40They've lost it.
24:43They're very honest the Norwegians, I like it.
24:45He said I was the worst person he'd ever done it with and I'd improve that much.
24:48It sounds exactly like when I lost my opportunity.
24:53Okay.
24:53Thank you very much.
24:55It's lovely to meet you.
24:56I'll tell you what, turning round is so inelegant.
24:59Bye guys, thanks for teaching us.
25:02Bye.
25:02Goodbye.
25:03Bye, bye.
25:05Do you think we should skate to our next thing?
25:07What is the next thing?
25:08I don't know.
25:08The hospital.
25:16We're in Norway, known for fjords, fishermen's cabins, oh, and black metal.
25:24Famous for its up-tempo songs, Satan worship and church burnings, black metal is Norway's
25:30biggest cultural export.
25:31So to see why the lovely Norwegian people are so keen on this dark music,
25:35we've arranged to meet a local band at their rehearsal space.
25:40Would you like to hear some reviews of black metal music, which is so huge in parts of Norway?
25:45Such a big question.
25:46I sort of feel like this is the gateway drug to going in there.
25:49Go on then.
25:51One star.
25:52Does anyone else think black metal is just noise, like the vocals are basically just growling?
25:56Yes.
25:57Forgettable riffs, boring melodic leads, cliched lyrics about Satan.
26:00I'm quite scared of death.
26:02I don't like Satan and stuff.
26:03Is it pro-Satan or anti-Satan?
26:05Well, he's just getting a lot of air time.
26:08Yeah.
26:08What's the band called?
26:09I don't know.
26:10We're going to find out.
26:11Oh, Christ.
26:12I don't think it's that.
26:21The Winterbris are a melodic black metal band.
26:25Their name may sound satanic, but actually it means winter's breeze.
26:29I think I've got a candle called that.
26:32You ready?
26:33Yeah.
26:34Yeah.
26:36I just have to go in.
26:37Ready?
26:38Yeah.
26:47The first impression is it was too loud.
26:50If it is like, can you survive this, I'm probably not going to be that relaxed.
26:57Sarah did some good dancing.
26:58I actually thought it might be my new thing.
27:00Imagine that.
27:01Is Sarah coming?
27:02Which one?
27:02Oh, the other one who's into black metal.
27:05What, the mum of two from North London?
27:07Yeah, she's into black metal now.
27:11It's very much like a panic attack.
27:14And I guess that's the vibe.
27:16Yeah, it's an extreme genre that kind of has a lot of feelings.
27:19The thing is to get that creature out of you.
27:21And heavy metal's huge in Norway.
27:24Certain parts of it.
27:25Yeah.
27:25Black metal it's called, isn't it?
27:27Black metal.
27:27Why is it called black metal over heavy metal?
27:29More distortion, more kind of gritty sound.
27:32And so, what is the vocal?
27:34How do you sing?
27:35It's kind of like screaming, you know?
27:37But it is, at some point.
27:38Yeah, it's a scream singing.
27:39Yeah.
27:40You're supposed to use all the capacity in your lungs.
27:43Yeah.
27:43And it would be like,
27:45but then you would add even more volume.
27:48You bang your toes.
27:50So it would be,
27:50and then you could pitch it with your mouth,
27:54so it can go deeper.
27:56So it could be like,
27:58Sorry.
27:59But Roisin's got a really scary voice.
28:01I don't know if this is right.
28:03I used to climb inside a duvet cover,
28:05and I attend to my sister that I was going to another side,
28:07and I used to do this voice.
28:08I'm going to the other side.
28:10You'll never mind me again.
28:13So you inhale, right?
28:15That's another type of style.
28:17Well, I've never done it to, like, a song.
28:19Why don't you do the drums, and I do the songs?
28:21Can we? Sorry, we've invited ourselves into your band.
28:23You're going to try.
28:23We're very dark of heart.
28:25Yeah.
28:25Then you're welcome.
28:27Great.
28:30We're going to do this one and the leg at the same time.
28:33Yeah.
28:33And then in between.
28:34Actually, I can't do it with them.
28:40That's the same.
28:47I couldn't hear you because I was drumming so loud.
28:50Were you singing well?
28:51No, I was just trying to put, I just said things like,
28:53I like cornflakes.
28:54Just positivity.
28:56It didn't look like I was having a great time.
28:58I don't think anyone's going to think,
28:58oh, this person's a natural.
29:00Like, it's black metal, so I can't walk past.
29:02I'd only be like, these girls look like they've got something.
29:06That was a very positive song.
29:14A natural.
29:15Safe to say, our metal's more beige than black,
29:17so it's over to Vinterbreast for one last tune.
29:24Yeah, it's not for me.
29:25That's war music.
29:27Sorry, and don't everyone start emailing me going,
29:28you're not listening right.
29:29Well, I couldn't because I've already gone deaf.
29:32I'm buzzing.
29:33Yeah.
29:33I feel like it's a very short concert.
29:35My ears are buzzing.
29:37We had to run out.
29:39I'm being very mean.
29:40Yeah.
29:40And they seem very nice.
29:41But listen, they all think the music I like is shit, so.
29:44No one's ever gone on a killing spree after listening to Boyzone.
29:47You're absolutely right, Sarah.
29:50After seeing the dark side of Norwegian culture,
29:53it's time to visit somewhere even more unpleasant.
29:57The olden days.
29:58This is very nice.
29:59A living museum.
30:01Hello, walls.
30:02Are you alive?
30:03I feel like a living museum sometimes.
30:05A living museum to what happened in the 90s.
30:08The museum shows visitors what life was like in 1800s Bergen,
30:12with a cast of actors bringing the small town dramas to life.
30:15We're looking forward to Ibsen meets Emmerdale.
30:17You ain't my herring pickler.
30:19Yes, I am.
30:20So, do you want to hear a review?
30:22Yes, please.
30:23Okay.
30:23One star.
30:25All right.
30:25The professions are portrayed less convincingly.
30:29The so-called actors are completely wrong,
30:32with unnecessary, comma, out of place performances.
30:37Okay.
30:38I've been called a so-called comedian many, many times,
30:40so I'm going to give these so-called actors the benefit of the doubt.
30:45Yeah, this sounds like someone who didn't get the gig.
30:48A rival from another museum.
30:49Yeah.
30:50Shitting all over them.
30:52Yeah.
30:52Also, I've done jobs like this.
30:53Yeah.
30:53I've done historical acting in places, you know,
30:56in the Meridian in Greenwich, telling people about when time was discovered.
31:00You can join in, then.
31:02Yeah, I will join in.
31:02As soon as I know the facts, I'll be in there.
31:04I'll be like, my turn.
31:06Right, let's go and see it, because it starts in four minutes.
31:08Oh, great, let's go.
31:09I could have told you that if we were in the Meridian.
31:14We're just in time to catch a short play about our favourite topic, dental care.
31:20So, ladies and gentlemen, come closer, it's nothing to be afraid of.
31:24I'm the dentist, by the way.
31:26But as it turns out, only one of the actors has turned up.
31:30I'm just waiting for some customers.
31:33They will arrive quite soon, I hope.
31:39I just have to wait, I'm afraid.
31:41This is where we could get up and do a song and dance for everyone.
31:44What's the best time to visit the dentist?
31:462.30.
31:48I'm just getting warmed up, this stuff.
31:53So, we wait for a few minutes and then we are ready.
31:59The trouble is, I'm coming up on my third coffee.
32:00I do need something to happen.
32:04Oh, God.
32:05I thought they would be on time.
32:06I don't mind waiting.
32:09Are you ready?
32:10Not yet.
32:11Not yet.
32:13Oh, my God.
32:14I think we should just create a bit of drama.
32:16Yeah?
32:18Oh, no!
32:19Oh!
32:19It's OK, I'm fine.
32:21I'm fine.
32:22It's OK, she's got a sore tooth.
32:26Yeah, she's just...
32:28Good acting.
32:31Here we go.
32:32But why?
32:33You know why.
32:34Oh, God.
32:34You're getting married.
32:36So, you have to get all your teeth pulled out now,
32:38so your husband don't have to pay for it in the future.
32:41All of them?
32:42I got mine out for my confirmation.
32:44And then you got nice new dentures in.
32:46It will be all right.
32:48Welcome, welcome.
32:48I bid you welcome.
32:49It's nothing to worry about.
32:51It takes about half an hour.
32:53Half an hour?
32:53I'll wait for you here.
32:54This way.
32:55Come on.
32:56Oh, we have to help that lady.
32:58I disagree with the review.
32:59It's good stuff.
33:00Calling it a play is pushing it,
33:03but it's an oddly immersive piece.
33:04And they use this space very well.
33:05When she runs upstairs and comes out the window,
33:07you're like, lovely stuff.
33:08It's like a western.
33:11I'm not finished.
33:13Oh, she's covered in blood.
33:14I found out awful things.
33:16It was quite informative that all women had to get all their teeth removed
33:18before you got married so that your husband didn't have to pay for it.
33:21But good performers, a little bit of gore, a tiny little bit of smell.
33:24Come with me and I shove you my instruments.
33:27Excuse me.
33:28It was a little bit of a, this is theatre, baby.
33:31I'm all for it.
33:36Right, Sarah, what next?
33:39Boss.
33:40Okay.
33:40Camping, outdoors, stars, women bonding.
33:44And so we've done quite a lot in Bergen,
33:45and now we're going to go and see a bit more of the countryside.
33:48And we're going to go, dare I say it, hellish camping,
33:51but somewhere beautiful.
33:53Um, so go somewhere nice, do an awful thing.
33:56Sort of the vibe, right?
34:02We're exploring Norway, a country which has prompted this review.
34:06Expensive, cold and wet.
34:07What's not to like?
34:09So, we've decided to see the most fit landscapes in the world
34:12via the worst thing ever invented, camping.
34:15We've come to the station.
34:17We've been lent this stuff for free.
34:19There's a place called Bua, and it's like a Christian missionary,
34:23and in Norway, they lend it to you for free,
34:25so you don't, like, have to buy it and have waste.
34:27Just give it back.
34:28It's amazing.
34:29And we're going to Boss.
34:30Boss.
34:30Now I'm camping.
34:32Beautiful place, terrible activity.
34:35Do you think it will convert me?
34:36Yeah, that's my, that's what I'm going to do.
34:38I'm going to convert you.
34:39You're going to become a camping gal.
34:41Right, let's go get the train then.
34:42All right.
34:44You managed to get off a bit lightly there, didn't you?
34:46I did.
34:48We have left it a little bit late.
34:50I mean...
34:50We've got so much stuff.
34:52Quick, quick, quick.
34:54Oh, it's sweet. Oh, hello.
34:56Snazzy.
34:56Your Majesty.
35:00We're heading east to the small town of Vos,
35:03on a train one passenger described as bad and unreliable,
35:06so we'll fit right in.
35:09Do you want to hear a review of this train, Sarah?
35:11I'd absolutely love one.
35:13I can't imagine anyone saying anything negative.
35:15One star.
35:16The train is not particularly clean or well-maintained.
35:19The toilets had no soap and the seats very loose.
35:23The worst train I've ever been on.
35:25Is that King Charles and Camilla?
35:27Who...
35:27It is, actually. They've signed it themselves.
35:30At the end, you didn't even see much of the landscape either.
35:33What?
35:34Do you know what I reckon they were doing?
35:35They were so busy just typing in their phone moaning
35:37that they forgot to look out.
35:40So pretty.
35:42Wow.
35:42This is it, isn't it?
35:44This is being on holiday.
35:45The bridge, the water.
35:47It is so relaxing.
35:48The shrubbery and the big black tunnel.
35:50I guess that's the thing, isn't it?
35:51You've sort of got to keep your eyes out, because then...
35:54Fjord!
35:54Yeah.
35:55Here we go.
35:56Let's see what we can see.
35:57Let's gulp down some beauty.
35:58Nom nom nom nom nom nom.
35:59Oh, gone, yeah.
36:02It feels like a supermarket dash.
36:04Maybe it's like the philosophical lesson.
36:07Appreciate the view while it's there.
36:08Nom nom nom nom nom.
36:09Are your eyes eating it?
36:10Nom nom nom nom.
36:10I tried...
36:11Oh, it's gone.
36:13I'm trying to get the beauty in.
36:15Yeah.
36:15In a sort of gluttonous way.
36:16Because I'm trying to enjoy the view and in my ear, I can hear...
36:19Nom nom nom nom nom nom.
36:21Nom nom nom nom nom.
36:22It's sort of...
36:23It's sort of a random eye in it.
36:24Nom nom nom nom.
36:28Here we are.
36:29Vos, baby.
36:31Look, a lovely hotel.
36:32Why can't we stay in a hotel in Vos?
36:34Because the reviews are too good.
36:36But not all reviewers think Vos is boss.
36:39Some of them are cross.
36:41One star.
36:42Vos is a small town with little interest in itself.
36:44I was bored.
36:46Hmm.
36:46There's a three star.
36:47This is more positive.
36:48I'd say there are plenty to do there.
36:50You just need to be creative.
36:52That's us.
36:53Yeah, we're creative.
36:54That is us, baby.
36:55Let's go show these mountains a good time.
36:59Vos is mainly a ski resort, but as it's summer and we've been banned from ever roller skiing again,
37:04we're setting up camp by the lake to enjoy the Nordic concept of free luftsliff or open air life.
37:12I mean, it is absolutely stunning.
37:15I can't hear anything apart from us.
37:18Sometimes zero stars comes up in our favour.
37:20Yeah.
37:23It's overwhelmingly beautiful.
37:25I can't believe people got bored here.
37:27I don't think you need to do anything but sit and smell that air.
37:32I should have looked up whether Norway has snakes before we went camping.
37:35You say things like this as we approach the campsite.
37:40Right, so it's free roam, right to roam or whatever, so you can just camp anywhere.
37:43Yeah.
37:44So we can just sit by the beach then.
37:46Yeah, let's go down here.
37:47Are you sure it's legal, Sarah?
37:48I don't want to wake up with the feds around me.
37:50I don't want to wake up with a bear poking his head through.
37:53Oh, I'd love that.
37:54Would you?
37:54A cow, a bear, a horse.
37:56Yes, please.
37:57Yeah, all those big animals.
37:58Yeah, like a big animal, if you know what I mean.
38:03All right, so I think tent is the most important thing to get up first.
38:06Do you think it's a pop-up or no?
38:08It's definitely not a pop-up because it's a separate.
38:10OK.
38:11Woo!
38:11And I will not do this in Epsley.
38:13Oh, no.
38:13There are women everywhere.
38:14No, we're doing this for women, I was about to say.
38:16I'm not doing it for women.
38:17Some women don't give a shit about camping and that's me.
38:22All right, how did you get in there then, man?
38:24There's this, but there's no in.
38:26Yeah, that's what I thought there was like a beer tube inside normally.
38:29Camping is taking everything that you do in your normal life and going,
38:32make it more difficult so that when you get home,
38:34you really appreciate having a toilet.
38:37OK.
38:38No, that's definitely, I've got it definitely in the wrong...
38:40Stop it!
38:41This is a silly, this is silly.
38:43Oh, do you think the yellow one's supposed to go in the yellow one
38:45and the red one's supposed to go in the red one?
38:46I think that now.
38:47Yeah.
38:48Yeah.
38:50They're Norwegian.
38:50Don't mansplain us tent making.
38:55Right, this goes in the end of a tube here.
38:57So this does go here.
38:59God damn you.
39:00It's got, that's it, you've got it!
39:02Yes, I've got my finger on it!
39:03You've got in it!
39:07Yeah, you fucker.
39:09It's a lot of admin camping.
39:10That's the fun of it, that's why it's not like one style, nothing to do.
39:14You've got loads to do.
39:15Just survive.
39:16Yeah.
39:17You don't get this view from a hotel.
39:18This is nice to be fair.
39:20It is nice.
39:21Our tent was up, now make flames.
39:26Oh my god, Roisin, you made a fire!
39:28Yeah, Irish holidays.
39:31They didn't have a central heating in my nan's house, so it's fires.
39:35It's very close to our seating area.
39:39I don't think you should put that on there.
39:41No, I'm not!
39:42I'm putting it here for you to sit on.
39:44They can enjoy the fire you made.
39:46Oh my god.
39:46Because I'm a gentleman.
39:48My lady.
39:49We need to get our snacks.
39:51I think you have to run across really fast like this.
39:53What do you need?
39:54Grab them all!
39:58Careful, it's very flamey.
40:00This is fun, isn't it?
40:01Yeah, I just thought of a pun.
40:02Do you want to hear it?
40:03Go on.
40:03Roast in, Conaty.
40:09The fire's lovely now, isn't it?
40:11Lovely and warm.
40:11Camping is the thing I don't love, but this has been actually very fun.
40:16I'm hating when I sort of enjoy things that I sort of am against.
40:20This is a lovely end to what has been a pretty amazing trip.
40:23Yeah, did you like Bergen?
40:25Loved Bergen.
40:26I'm going to say something.
40:27It might be my favourite.
40:30Norway might be expensive, but I think our trip was good value.
40:33It doesn't cost anything to enjoy the scenery or hang out with teenagers in an empty car park.
40:39And most importantly, spend some quality time with a friend.
40:45My review is four fjord banana peels out of five.
40:50Norway, I love you.
40:52Five stars, absolutely wonderful place.
40:54That blue coat I bought in Bergen.
40:56I lost it.
40:57So I'm using this time to appeal for anyone to find that coat.
40:59I lost it in Wales.
41:00Or someone in Norway sent me another one.
41:01Look how nice it is on me.
41:02Five stars, Norway.
41:03Love you.
41:04Wow.
41:05You've got a long night ahead.
41:06Yeah.
41:07We need to tell scary stories or something.
41:09I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:11We both caught fire.
41:13I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:15I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:19I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:24I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:26I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:28I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:29I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:30I was once camping with Rose Sheena.
41:30I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:31I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:31I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:32I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:32I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:33I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:34I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:36I was camping with Rose Sheena.
41:40I was camping with Rose Sheena.
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