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00:05So you've been kayaking before? Only once on a school trip and I nearly died. What? They made
00:11us all capsize and I couldn't get back up I stayed upside down. Are you serious? Yeah and every time
00:16it's really traumatic every time I righted myself to gasp for air I could see everyone in my class
00:21laughing. Why didn't you tell me that before I got on the kayak? It made me feel like she has
00:26a lot
00:27of confidence for someone who's already toppled a kayak and also I think we
00:31should turn round now. We're here baby. Most travelers avoid bad reviews. Let's see what the review says.
00:41One star. One star. One star. I've never seen anything more stupid. If I could give it zero stars I
00:45would.
00:46But not us. I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind. I'm Sarah Pascoe. I'm
00:52brilliant at this.
00:53I'm Roisin Conaty. Come on fishy fishy. We're comedians but more importantly best friends.
01:00As someone who has received bad reviews I will always try to look to the good. So we're turning
01:04the tables on the review sites. They were so busy typing in their phone moaning that they forgot to
01:08look out. And visiting places based on the worst reviews. I'm closer it's nothing to be afraid of.
01:14My review is 100 stars. But will this journey of salvation be a five star fun fest?
01:21I'm an absolute killer. Yes! Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
01:45Oh smell that air. Lovely air.
01:50Bergen. That question mark does make me doubt myself. Bergen? Is it? Bergen? It must be.
01:56They wouldn't have let us off the plane. Well it's making me feel like are you sure you want to
01:59get
01:59off here? Oslo's not that far. You could go somewhere warmer. Do you know Norway well?
02:06I've been here before. Yeah? I ate reindeer. Oh right okay. It tasted like fishy fruit and I nearly
02:11vomited. Oh no. Yeah so don't be ordering that for me. I know you won't. I won't ruin Christmas.
02:17It's awful. Have you been here before have you? Three times. It's so expensive here. I phoned my bank
02:22when I got back because I was drunk and I'd gone and got snapped. And they're like that's all your
02:26money gone. I was like I didn't spend a hundred pound. They went you did in a 7-eleven. Ten
02:29years
02:29of telly down the drain. Come there let's go have a nice expensive holiday. Norway. One reviewer
02:36said every time we sat down to eat a hundred quid disappeared. Talk about the magic of the fjords.
02:44Norway is small but exports a lot of gas for its size. Hashtag relatable. This means high prices and
02:50high living standards. So cities like Bergen are full of swanky fancy places to enjoy and we won't be
02:59going to any of them. Really is in the middle of nowhere. Now I know why they're like Bergen.
03:05Bergen. Are we still in Bergen. I dillically located miles from anywhere. Pod town. This isn't it though.
03:16It says pod town. Your private space in a lively place. Lively's pushing it. This can't be it.
03:23This is all rusty. It's definitely it. The pictures make it look much more glamorous. Much more like
03:27Japan. Sort of like pod living. Okay I've got a check-in instruction. Okay. It's self-cleaning.
03:34It's fine. Self-cleaning? We have to clean it ourself. There's no private toilet in the unit at the
03:38moment. However a 24-hour gas station with restroom facilities is just a seven minute walk away.
03:47I get up at least once for a wee in the night. Reviews? I mean. I mean let's see what
03:51these
03:51people say. Three stars. Three stars? This is a decent place to stay in relation to the price. I
03:57think that's the thing. It's cheap isn't it? Norway it's only four billion pounds. Yeah I mean this is
04:00cost the same as a sandwich here. We're in town for a wedding. It's a nice place but to be
04:05a little
04:05impractical without a toilet and a bathroom. What? A little impractical? That's illegal.
04:10You can't hire out hotel. We don't know the rules in Norway. Surely worldwide. The UN has got to be
04:15honest. The important business. Here around the UN. Do you want to see it? Let's go in. Yeah. Let's try
04:21and be
04:21positive. We're in beautiful country. One reviewer said I'd rather sleep in a barrel than use pod town
04:28again. Well at least it's a bargain. We paid just 90 pounds a night. Oh Norway.
04:37Oh okay so it is oh it is very sort of uh sci-fi inside. Look at these lovely chairs.
04:47It's a bit of a
04:49uh fucking mess.
04:53I'm sort of stunned. Where's the mattresses and what's this bag of crap? There's a coke thing. Oh god this
04:59is someone else's mess.
05:01Because they're meant to clean it. There's brown stuff on that towels and there's that that coke
05:05has got lumps of something in it. It smells a little bit. It does smell. That might be my fear.
05:10Don't get in it. Oh my god is it moving? Ugh god. How can this be allowed? Sarah there's a
05:18toilet.
05:19What do you mean there's no toilet? They said you have to go to the petrol station. They said there's
05:22no private
05:23toilets. What do you mean? Oh my god. It's horrible. It's horrible. How does someone give it a three
05:30star review? Does this work? The door. If this door button works. Oh hello. Come on. Care if you don't
05:37lock yourself in there. No I'm just trying to see if the button. Oh there you go. A bit of
05:40privacy for
05:41the lady. Now I can have a wee. I'm just trying to see if this button works but it doesn't.
05:49Can you not open it? Oh I've locked myself in. Have I? Oh no. Stop. Oh no. You've locked yourself
05:55in. Help. Help. Help the murderer.
05:58Yes. How is holding it? How are you? Well I thought we gotta get some joy out of this absolute
06:05shit bit.
06:07Something felt up about Podtown and it wasn't just the portable toilet full of piss.
06:13I'm just going to check. Oh no no no no we're not in the right one. This is this is
06:19our bathroom.
06:20What? That's this is our toilet.
06:22Oh. Oh my god ours is around the corner. Thank god for that.
06:27D8. D8.
06:28Oh, fingers crossed. Come on.
06:30Come on. Come on.
06:32Oh, Sarah. It's a win.
06:35It's clean, there's mattresses.
06:37Oh, nice. Oh, it's really nice.
06:40Luxury is not a pleasure, but pleasure is a luxury.
06:43Oh, it's lovely.
06:45And now we know we've got a private bathroom round the corner.
06:48There's an air outlet and a sleep mode.
06:51Light. Oh!
06:54This is lovely.
06:55This is what I was envisioning and I like it very much.
06:58It's like when you've got an alright boyfriend after a really bad man.
07:05We head into town for some food with a skip in our step.
07:08This is it. This is it.
07:10Taste of Norway, baby. Ladies first.
07:14Taste of Norway describes itself as an adventurous experience.
07:18So far, so concerning.
07:20Let me read a review to you.
07:22Two stars.
07:23The buffet was unexceptional and the decor frightful.
07:26By the way, the toilet offered the exotic view of a couple of pair of socks hung up to dry.
07:32That is very strange.
07:33I need to see these socks.
07:35Come and bring us to your socks.
07:37Come to the toilets with me.
07:38We've come to Norway.
07:39We want to see your socks.
07:43Oh, it's so clearly a display.
07:46It's really cute.
07:48What?
07:49People are absolute arseholes.
07:51Imagine giving a bride with you.
07:52No.
07:53They've obviously never been to the theatre.
07:56If anything, I'd say it'd be good if they had a little woman sitting there.
08:00I'd go all in even more.
08:02So she's just sitting...
08:03You know, like you have a bathroom attendant, but I'd have her dressed in the gear like that.
08:07Your socks need washing?
08:08This is it.
08:10Five stars.
08:11What's your socks?
08:12Right.
08:13Let's go and have a bit of a taste of Norway.
08:16Taste of Norway offers a Norwegian buffet.
08:19Two words I've never heard together.
08:21But surely it's the perfect way to enjoy Norwegian culinary delights like these slices of... brown?
08:28Maybe our host can help.
08:30Hello.
08:31Hi, welcome.
08:33This is the buffet.
08:34We have four stations.
08:35This is the cold starch.
08:37Oh, okay.
08:38And I've just seen you serve whales.
08:40We do, we do.
08:41That's a whale.
08:42It's smaller than I thought.
08:44I don't think it's the whole thing.
08:46What else are you killing?
08:47Reindeer.
08:48A moose.
08:48No one's safe in the woods or the water.
08:51Yeah.
08:51So I'm going to have a little bit of this because Sarah's vegan.
08:53Go ahead.
08:54Is there anything veggie then, do you reckon?
08:56So we have bread.
08:57Because this is a very typical Norwegian treat.
08:59I'll have the bread.
09:00Yeah, Sarah does all the bread eating.
09:01I do all the meat eating.
09:03Okay.
09:03How much am I allowed?
09:04Not too...
09:05Oh, really?
09:05Whoa.
09:06Oh, it's really filling.
09:07Yeah, I'm a hungry girl.
09:09Sarah had the bread cupboard, so it was down to me to taste every other taste of Norway
09:14there is.
09:14Hmm.
09:15Oh, what's this?
09:16That is a herring.
09:17Oh, I'll have a little bowl.
09:19This is called rømgrøt.
09:20Good enough for the Vikings.
09:21Good enough for me.
09:22Fish cakes?
09:23Yes, please.
09:24That looks delicious, actually.
09:26Reindeer meatballs.
09:27Why not?
09:28Fish soup.
09:28I'll have a bit of that as well.
09:30Get a couple of bits of those, Sarah.
09:31Oh, that's a good soup.
09:32Are you going to be okay with that?
09:33I'm holding these, yeah.
09:34I feel like I'm so greedy I've got to help.
09:36I don't normally get filmed at buffets and now I see why.
09:38This is a good trial for your OnlyFans.
09:43Just that's enough, though.
09:44I've got to be a greedy gut.
09:46Right, Sarah, let's do this.
09:47Look at this.
09:48You've got, er...
09:49Some flaps.
09:50Can I get to my bread?
09:53You all right?
09:55You've got so much.
09:57How's that eat some of your fishy soup?
09:59I'll tell you what I've got.
10:01Fish.
10:01First up, a Scandi classic, pickled herring.
10:05I feel like a feeder just watching you.
10:07Did you like that?
10:08A bit more.
10:11It's actually nice.
10:13No, no.
10:14Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
10:15Nice and then...
10:18Whoa.
10:19Spit it out.
10:24I just didn't drink it.
10:26I look like Hannibal Lecter.
10:31What's that cake like, then?
10:33Well, it is dry cake, like they said.
10:36Luckily, I'm being brought some vegan food by my knight in shining waistcoat.
10:41She was very happy with her 19 bits of bread, though.
10:45That's really kind.
10:48The broccoli is absolutely outstanding.
10:50It's flavoured up the wazoo.
10:53Where is the wazoo on a broccoli?
10:55I'm going to try this sort of risotto.
10:57It's an old Viking dish that they had at weddings.
10:59OK.
11:00To the bride and groom!
11:02Oh, it's good stuff.
11:04I think I'm Norwegian in spirit.
11:08Next on the menu, the mystery of the brown slices is solved.
11:12It's Norwegian speciality, brown cheese.
11:17Oh, yeah.
11:19What?
11:22I've never said what tofu.
11:23What is happening?
11:25There isn't words for this.
11:26What happened?
11:26It's toffee.
11:27There's a toffee bit.
11:28What?
11:29It's turned into toffee.
11:30It feels like I'm eating toffees that have been left on top of cheese.
11:33It's a magical place, Nora, isn't it?
11:35The cheese becomes toffee.
11:36It may be the best thing I've ever tasted.
11:38Is it?
11:42I'm going to be gross.
11:43Are you ready?
11:45I wasn't ready.
11:46It's sort of like toffee.
11:47I wasn't ready.
11:49I'll never be ready.
11:51It's like a toffee texture.
11:53Yeah, but I believed you.
11:55I didn't need to be showing it out of your mouth.
11:59You see what you vegans are sneakily getting up to behind our backs?
12:02It'll make you realise.
12:03Oh, hello.
12:04Vegans drink like Vikings.
12:06Oh, what?
12:08And I need some mead.
12:09Some mead?
12:12I'll bring.
12:14Thank you very much.
12:16You've got very soft footsteps, I'll tell you that.
12:20Ah, yes.
12:21Apple juice.
12:21The drink of Vikings who are doing dry jam.
12:24Skoy.
12:25Skoy.
12:26Skoy.
12:27Skoy.
12:36Yeah, we need doggy bags, please.
12:43We're in Norway.
12:45One online review says this disgusting country is disgusting.
12:49And today we're heading out to see just how disgusting it is.
12:52Yeah, not that disgusting, really.
12:53It's so pretty.
12:55I cannot believe how beautiful these wooden houses are.
12:57And then the big mountain behind them.
13:00Bergen means seven mountains or something?
13:03What does Bergen mean?
13:05Seven mountains?
13:06Seven?
13:07Is there something like a mountain?
13:09But Bergen is also one of Norway's busiest ports,
13:12with over 300 cruise ship visits a year,
13:15taking passengers to see the beautiful fjords.
13:18But I've found a way of getting out on the water without spending a penny,
13:22or whatever they spend in Norway.
13:25Norwegian pennies.
13:26This is exciting.
13:27This is getting right on a fjord.
13:29Couldn't be more Norwegian.
13:31It's free, which also couldn't be less Norwegian.
13:35Oh, it doesn't cost money, but I think that's because it's work technically.
13:39Hello.
13:39Hello there.
13:40Hi, I'm Sarah.
13:41I'm Andreas.
13:42I'm Roshi.
13:42Nice to meet you.
13:43Nice to meet you.
13:44So, what is this experience?
13:45It's basically a concept where you get to rent a kayak for free,
13:50you get out here and you explore the scenery,
13:53and then you pick up rubbish by the coastline.
13:56What kind of rubbish do you have out there?
13:58We have all kinds.
13:59Beer cans, we even have those electric scooters.
14:02And can we keep anything we find, like an electric scooter?
14:05If you want to, but the last time that happened, it exploded outside here.
14:10So don't do that.
14:11What?
14:11So basically you don't have to pay for it if you go and do a job.
14:14Exactly.
14:14But something might explode.
14:16And then when you come back here, you get to weigh the trash,
14:19and it's reported so they'll know how much trash has been picked.
14:22And what about turning over?
14:24What are the chances of us capsizing?
14:26Basically none.
14:27Will you hear us if we scream?
14:29Oh, Christ.
14:30I have a good hearing.
14:31Okay, great. Well, let's hope so.
14:32So this is all our stuff.
14:33Today we're going out canoeing, getting rubbish, saving the world.
14:38As a favour to Norway, you're welcome.
14:41I think we'll probably get NBEs or whatever the equivalent is in Norway.
14:45Do they have a royal family here?
14:47No, of course they don't.
14:48They do have a royal family.
14:49Okay, well, I think the king's going to give us a surprise.
14:52So how often do you do this?
14:54Well, I help people with it.
14:57You don't actually ever do it yourself?
14:59Nah.
15:01He's never done it.
15:03I mean, that does worry me, Roche.
15:05Well, of course it should.
15:06I'm quite scared of open water.
15:08I lost my voice in open water as a child.
15:10It feels like I'm going to tip you.
15:11It won't, I promise.
15:13It does feel like I'm going to tip you.
15:14It's not going to tip.
15:15It's a cold, open water.
15:16I always think if I tip over, I'm going to scream,
15:19but no one's going to hear me.
15:21Are you going to do us?
15:23Let's see.
15:24All you want is someone who you trust to explain how it works.
15:28Okay, that was the wrong key.
15:29It's the wrong key.
15:30Andreas, do you even work here?
15:32Andreas comes out and he said,
15:33Oh, I've never been on a kayak.
15:35Then he couldn't do the keys.
15:36I don't think you work here.
15:38You've never done it before.
15:39You don't have the right keys.
15:40I just wandered up here.
15:41Very lovely.
15:42It's a little bit frightening.
15:44Eric to the rescue.
15:45Okay, we're three.
15:45Okay, we're ready.
15:46We're ready.
15:48There we go.
15:49It's time for us to get out there and clean up this filthy town.
15:53Watch out.
15:54I'm about to hit something.
15:54Oh, God.
15:55Sorry.
15:56It's just I've not been very elegant.
15:57There we go.
15:58We sort of need to left and right at the same time.
16:01Okay.
16:02There we go.
16:03Do you reckon next year they'll do Oxford, Cambridge,
16:05and then Roshid and Sarah in the third boat?
16:08Woo!
16:09Fucking hell.
16:10Try again.
16:12Right.
16:12Oh, the wind's not in our favour.
16:14No.
16:14Are you rowing?
16:15Yep.
16:16Okay, let's go.
16:16Find some litter.
16:18But first, we need to make it out of the harbour.
16:21We need to go round.
16:22We're going to hit this boat if we just drift.
16:25Let's just...
16:26Oh, dear.
16:26Okay.
16:27You okay?
16:28Yep.
16:28Yep.
16:29Yep.
16:30Oh, no.
16:31Not again.
16:31It's just too late.
16:32We're going to hit this one.
16:33Hop.
16:35Shit, they're bad.
16:37We've got our own system, really, when you think about it.
16:39We have, yeah.
16:40We sort of boat like pinball.
16:45That way or that way?
16:46I'll just go straight out, head for home.
16:50The English Channel!
16:51Here we come!
16:54Are there any Norwegian songs for sailing?
16:58Er...
16:59They must be, mustn't they?
17:00I don't know if we can clear that.
17:02They don't yodel, do they?
17:02We need, like, a sea shanty.
17:04Yeah.
17:05They go high and we go low.
17:07Like, Norse.
17:08It can't be that different from, like, Scottish.
17:10Imagine Vikings arriving on these boats.
17:12We should have worn little horns in our hats.
17:15Maybe that would be offensive, actually.
17:17I'm just hoping there'd be a bit more litter.
17:20Shall we collect some seaweed?
17:23Well, that's the only thing.
17:24I think they've...
17:25They're very clean.
17:27I haven't seen a single crisp packet.
17:28Not so much as a cigarette butt.
17:30I've not seen one thing.
17:31It's a really weird feeling to be disappointed
17:35that there's not more litter.
17:36It's been ravaged by other kayakers.
17:38They've gone in.
17:39There's nothing left.
17:40Norway's too clean!
17:42They've had an absolute run-on of people in the green kayaks.
17:46But suddenly, we had bigger problems to deal with.
17:49It's getting very choppy now, Sarah.
17:51I think we need to get away from these rocks.
17:53Sarah, we need to move.
17:54It's mad.
17:55I know, but we're going the other way.
17:56We're gonna hit the wall!
17:58I know, we are.
17:58It's too wavy.
17:59Is this what seamen see just before they die?
18:02Quick, quick!
18:02We've got to turn round.
18:04This is gonna tip us.
18:05Fuck!
18:07Oh, there's a GoPro in the water.
18:09The GoPro's on the rocks!
18:10The GoPro's in the water!
18:11Oh, fuck!
18:12It's gone!
18:13We then did smash the GoPro.
18:15It's gone!
18:16It's gone!
18:16No, it's not.
18:17It's there.
18:17I need the net.
18:18Sarah went to climb out of the boat in the open water to get it.
18:22Don't stand out of the boat!
18:23Don't stand out of the boat!
18:24I'm just kneeling!
18:24I'm just kneeling!
18:25You're gonna tip me in the water!
18:27I won't tip you in the water!
18:28Fucking hell!
18:29I thought that was mad.
18:31I can't believe our littering is just rescuing a GoPro.
18:35We did rescue something.
18:36We just sort of had to lose it first.
18:39It's quite an odyssey, really.
18:42I'm soaking.
18:44We were heading back with nothing to show but wet socks
18:46and a camera that would never GoPro again.
18:49But then...
18:50Oh, there's something!
18:51There's something in the water!
18:52It's a banana peel!
18:53A banana peel!
18:54It's a banana peel!
18:55Get it!
18:57Get it!
18:58Get it!
18:58Oh, my God!
18:59Yeah!
19:00Woo!
19:02A biodegradable banana peel!
19:05Doesn't matter.
19:06It was unsightly.
19:07Banana peel!
19:08Yes, it may only be one banana skin, but I have contributed to the removal of rubbish from this beautiful
19:14water.
19:14Oh, if that banana was sitting in the sea, I wouldn't have slept tonight.
19:19Oh, shit.
19:20Oh, that was lovely and relaxing.
19:26Andreas, we've worked really hard.
19:28Norway is welcome for our service.
19:30Can you just tell us how many kilograms of rubbish we collected?
19:34Yeah, let's see.
19:35I'm going to turn this thingy on.
19:36Pretend you've used it before.
19:38Yeah, stare at it like an alien concept.
19:42Oh, yes.
19:42Yeah, well, it's 0.0 kilograms or 0.0 pounds.
19:45I'm going to throw it back in the water!
19:47I like weight.
19:48They're very healthy.
19:49They weigh nothing.
19:50It's organic.
19:51Listen, Norway's very clean.
19:54Why are you luring people out here with this sort of like,
19:56We need help.
19:57Come and clean our waters.
19:58It's absolutely spotless out there.
20:00It gives you an opportunity to explore the coastline in ways you wouldn't otherwise.
20:06We definitely explored.
20:07We saw some of those rocks really close up.
20:09Yeah.
20:10Exactly.
20:11Anyway, it was really lovely to meet you.
20:13Likewise.
20:14Oh, it was wonderful fun.
20:15Loads of the bad reviews in Norway are because of how expensive things are.
20:20So it's a real boon to find something that is completely free and enjoyable.
20:23But I can't say if this is a great freeway to see Bergen because I only saw this bit here.
20:30And you can see that from here.
20:33So we decided to see more of the city using a method so budget-friendly,
20:38it was invented before money was even a thing.
20:41Walking.
20:43Oh, it's lovely.
20:45It is lovely.
20:46And it's kind of pumping.
20:48Yeah.
20:49On a Saturday afternoon.
20:50Yeah.
20:51And my number one criteria for judging the quality of a city, dog vibes.
20:57Hello, snuggles.
20:58Oh, hello.
20:59Good morning.
21:00Can I say hello to the doggy?
21:01Oh, my God.
21:02Hello, doggy.
21:03Oh, hello.
21:06Is this what it's like when you've got a man who keeps looking at other women?
21:11I think the dogs are outstanding and I think that is, for me, a big green flag.
21:17Do you reckon you could live here?
21:19Yeah, if I run away from my family.
21:22If I did live here, one thing I'd probably end up doing is the country's national sport.
21:28Skiing.
21:2970% of Norwegians own a pair of skis.
21:31The other 30% presumably just go down on a tea tray.
21:35But how do they practice when there's no snow on the slopes?
21:38We've come to an empty car park to find out.
21:42It feels...
21:43Like we're going to Fight Club.
21:44Yeah.
21:45Like we're meeting the Romford lot.
21:47Meeting the Romford lot behind the ice rink.
21:50Sort this out once and for all.
21:52And where...
21:53I can't see anyone.
21:55I can't even imagine what a road or ski looks like.
21:57I think they do it to practice when they can't get on the slopes.
22:01So it's a real...
22:01This is genuinely where they practice, apparently.
22:05Would you like to hear some reviews?
22:07One start.
22:07The first time I ever saw this, here in Norway, my first thought was,
22:11OK, Norwegians have finally lost it.
22:14It's excessive, isn't it?
22:15And it's just not a very...
22:17As a review, it lacks any sort of, like, pizzazz.
22:23Look, to add wheels and then go really fast in a car park, that's fun, right?
22:26Yeah.
22:27If indeed it even exists.
22:29Yeah, we haven't seen them yet.
22:31No.
22:32It does feel like we're going to get mugged,
22:34like we've arranged to come and buy drugs.
22:36No-one would mug you in such sort of open space.
22:42Wow.
22:43Oh, God, this must be them.
22:44Here they are.
22:45The cavalry is arriving.
22:49That is a weird sport.
22:52OK, they're coming now.
22:53We've got to stop laughing.
22:54They look serious.
22:55Wow, they're fast.
22:57Hi.
22:57Hi.
22:58Hi.
22:59Hi.
23:00Hi.
23:00Oh, they're very...
23:02Oh!
23:04Hello.
23:05Hello.
23:06Very good.
23:07Are you allowed to do that in the streets?
23:09We do it anyway.
23:10Oh, OK.
23:11Bad boys.
23:12Like your style.
23:12I'm Roisin.
23:13I'm Sarah, hi.
23:14Hi.
23:15How long have you been doing this for?
23:16And are you a gang?
23:18Yeah, I would say so.
23:19Yeah.
23:20So we've been practicing since we was 12, I think.
23:23Oh, wow.
23:24Is this very popular in Norway, what you're doing?
23:26Yeah.
23:27As we say, Norwegian are born with skis on their feet.
23:30Someone has given birth twice, I'm like...
23:35Do you have to practice for the actual slope or is it a separate thing on its own?
23:39Yeah, we're practicing for the cross-country skis in the winter.
23:42OK.
23:43You'd compete...
23:44Yeah, in the summer we compete with world skis sometimes, but it's more often in the winter.
23:49OK, I see.
23:49How long do you think it will take us to learn how to do this?
23:52So have you been skiing before or...
23:54No, we've not been skiing ever.
23:56So this is going to be interesting.
23:57Yeah.
23:57Balance must be important.
23:59Yeah.
23:59Check this out.
24:00Maybe the most important.
24:01That's good.
24:01I've had to stay for ages.
24:04Look, they're all like, oh, she's going to be good.
24:07Now to practice for a sport we've never done before on a hard tarmac surface.
24:13When he's taking his left foot down, his right pole is going there.
24:18It's the opposite life.
24:19OK.
24:20Oh!
24:21Always when we come to a country I want to try things that normal tourists don't get a chance
24:25to do.
24:26When you watch other people going really fast on something, you think, ah, that's really
24:29fun, let me at them.
24:30And then I was instantly chastened by the danger element.
24:34Oh!
24:35Shit.
24:35There we go.
24:36There we go.
24:37It doesn't feel very elegant when you turn back round.
24:40It's not when you turn, though.
24:41Shoo, shoo, shoo.
24:42All right, OK.
24:43Going too far.
24:44Stop!
24:44It feels like it's something that someone's cursed us with.
24:48For the rest of your days you will have wheels for feet.
24:51Yeah, I'm sort of getting the hang of it.
24:53Shoo, shoo, shoo.
24:56Yeah, like that.
24:57You're doing really great for doing it for the first time.
25:00Oh, it was very much an enjoyable experience.
25:03Oh, boo!
25:05If Roisin had been a bit more steady I think we'd have had more fun, because I was partly
25:09worried.
25:10Oh, God.
25:11It was too fast.
25:13How do I stop?
25:14Oh!
25:15It's very frightening, because you just think you're going to fall the whole time.
25:19Help me!
25:21It's like ice skating, but you normally have something you can hold on to for ages.
25:25And I did, but it was a 16-year-old, or, you know, just like...
25:30It was just stay with your knees a bit tucked.
25:34Oh, God.
25:34I want to stop.
25:35But what I'm hoping is in this edit you'll just speed me up really fast and put really
25:40good music on it and make me look cool.
25:43Morning!
25:48Help!
25:49Fuck this.
25:51Have you ever done this with anyone worse?
25:54Er...
25:54No, not that great.
25:57See, that feels fantastic.
25:58Maybe I would like skiing as long as it was sort of flat.
26:01I didn't want to look like I was having a great time while Roisin was struggling, but
26:05it was really fun.
26:06I absolutely disagreed with the reviews.
26:08I don't think the Norwegians have finally lost it.
26:09This seems to me like common sense.
26:11You can't ski on snow, you pop some wheels on clogged.
26:14On the other hand, from Denmark, wooden shoes, you know?
26:19They've lost it.
26:22They're very honest, the Norwegians.
26:23I like it.
26:24He said I was the worst person he'd ever done it with, and I'd improved that much.
26:28It sounds exactly like when I lost my opportunity.
26:32OK.
26:33Thank you very much.
26:35It's lovely to meet you.
26:36I tell you what, turning round is so inelegant.
26:39Bye, guys.
26:40Thanks for teaching us.
26:42Bye.
26:42Goodbye.
26:43Bye.
26:43Bye.
26:45Do you think we should skate to our next thing?
26:47What is the next thing?
26:48I don't know.
26:49The hospital.
26:57We're in Norway.
26:58Known for fjords, fishermen's cabins, oh, and black metal.
27:06Famous for its up-tempo songs, Satan worship and church burnings,
27:10black metal is Norway's biggest cultural export.
27:13So, to see why the lovely Norwegian people are so keen on this dark music,
27:17we've arranged to meet a local band at their rehearsal space.
27:21Would you like to hear some reviews of black metal music, which is so huge in parts of Norway?
27:27Such a big question.
27:28I sort of feel like this is the gateway drug to going in there.
27:32Go on, then.
27:33One star.
27:35Does anyone else think black metal is just noise, like the vocals are basically just growling?
27:39Yes.
27:39Forgettable riffs, boring, melodic leads, cliched lyrics about Satan.
27:44I'm quite scared of death.
27:45I don't like Satan and stuff.
27:46Is it pro-Satan or anti-Satan?
27:48Well, he's just getting a lot of air time.
27:51Yeah.
27:51What's the band called?
27:53I don't know.
27:53We're going to find out.
27:54Oh, Christ.
27:55I don't think it's that.
28:05Winter Briss are a melodic black metal band.
28:09Their name may sound Satanic, but actually, it means winter's breeze.
28:13I think I've got a candle called that.
28:16Are you ready?
28:17Yeah.
28:19Ready?
28:20How are you?
28:21We just have to go in.
28:22Ready?
28:22Yeah.
28:32The first impressions, it was too loud.
28:35If it is like, can you survive this?
28:39I'm probably not going to be that relaxed.
28:42Sarah did some good dancing.
28:44I actually thought it might be my new thing.
28:46Imagine that.
28:47Is Sarah coming?
28:48Which one?
28:48Oh, the other one is into black metal.
28:51What, the mum of two?
28:52From North London?
28:53Yeah, she's into black metal now.
28:56Ooh.
28:57It's very much like a panic attack.
29:01And I guess that's the vibe.
29:02Yeah.
29:03It's an extreme genre that kind of has a lot of feelings.
29:06And the thing is to get that creature out of you.
29:08And heavy metal's huge in Norway.
29:11Certain parts of it.
29:12Yes.
29:12Black metal it's called, isn't it?
29:14Black metal.
29:14Black metal.
29:15Black metal over heavy metal.
29:17More distortion, more kind of gritty sound.
29:20And so what is the vocal?
29:21How do you sing?
29:22It's kind of like screaming, you know?
29:25But it is at some point.
29:26Yes, the scream singing.
29:27Yeah.
29:28You're supposed to like use all the capacity in your lungs.
29:31Yeah.
29:31And it would be like,
29:32Ah!
29:34But then you would add even more volume.
29:36You banged your toe.
29:37So it would be,
29:37Ah!
29:38Burned one by the elbow!
29:40And then you could pitch it with your mouth so it can go deeper.
29:44So it could be like,
29:46Oh!
29:47Sorry.
29:48But Roisin's got a really scary voice.
29:51Oh, yeah.
29:51I don't know if this is right.
29:52I used to climb inside a duvet cover.
29:54And I attend to my sister that I was going to another side.
29:56And I used to do this voice.
29:58I'm going to the other side.
30:00You'll never mind me again.
30:03Really scary.
30:03So you inhale, right?
30:05Ah.
30:05That's another type of style.
30:07Well, I've never done it to like a song.
30:09Why don't you do the drums and I do the song?
30:11Can we?
30:11Sorry.
30:12We've invited ourselves into your band.
30:13Do you want to try?
30:14We're very dark of heart.
30:15Yeah.
30:15Then you're welcome.
30:17Great.
30:21We're going to do this one and the leg at the same time.
30:24Yeah.
30:25Actually, I can't do the rhythm.
30:31That's the same.
30:39I couldn't hear you because I was drumming so loud.
30:41Were you singing well?
30:42No, I was just trying to put...
30:43I just said things like, I like cornflakes.
30:45Just positivity.
30:47It didn't look like I was having a great time.
30:50I don't think anyone's going to think, oh, this person's a natural.
30:52Like, if black metal Simon Cowell will pass.
30:54I'd only be like, these girls look like they've got something.
30:57I like those women who have been on the main winds.
31:03Woo!
31:04That was a very positive song.
31:06A natural.
31:07Safe to say, our metal's more beige than black, so it's over to Vinta Briss for one last tune.
31:17Yeah, it's not for me.
31:19Yeah, it's not for me.
31:19That's war music.
31:20Sorry, and don't everyone start emailing me going, you're not listening right.
31:23Well, I couldn't because I've already gone deaf.
31:25I'm buzzing.
31:26Yeah.
31:27I feel like it was a very short concert.
31:29My ears are buzzing.
31:31We had to run out.
31:33I'm being very mean.
31:34Yeah.
31:34And they seem very nice.
31:35But listen, they all think the music are like shit, so...
31:38No one's ever gone on a killing spree after listening to Boyzone.
31:41You're absolutely right, Sarah.
31:45After seeing the dark side of Norwegian culture, it's time to visit somewhere even more unpleasant.
31:51The olden days.
31:53This is very nice.
31:54A living museum.
31:56Hello, walls.
31:57Are you alive?
31:58I feel like a living museum sometimes.
32:01Living museum to what happened in the 90s.
32:04The museum shows visitors what life was like in 1800s Bergen, with a cast of actors bringing the small town
32:10dramas to life.
32:11We're looking forward to Ibsen meets Emmerdale.
32:13You ain't my herring pickler.
32:15Yes, I am.
32:16So, do you want to hear a review?
32:18Yes, please.
32:19Okay.
32:19One star.
32:21The professions are portrayed less convincingly.
32:25The so-called actors are completely wrong, with unnecessary, comma, out of place, performances.
32:34Okay.
32:35I've been called a so-called comedian many, many times, so I'm going to give these so-called actors the
32:41benefit of the doubt.
32:42Yeah, this sounds like someone who didn't get the gig.
32:44A rival from another museum.
32:47Yeah.
32:48Shitting all over them.
32:49Yeah.
32:49Also, I've done jobs like this.
32:51Yeah.
32:51I've done historical acting in places, you know, the Meridian in Greenwich, telling people about when time was discovered.
32:58You can join in then.
33:00Yeah, I will join in. As soon as I know the facts, I'll be in there. I'll be like, my
33:03turn.
33:04Right, let's go and see it, because it starts in four minutes.
33:06Oh, great. Let's go.
33:08I could have told you that if we were on the Meridian.
33:13We're just in time to catch a short play about our favourite topic, dental care.
33:18So, ladies and gentlemen, come closer. It's nothing to be afraid of. I'm the dentist, by the way.
33:25But as it turns out, only one of the actors has turned up.
33:29I'm just waiting for some customers. They will arrive quite soon, I hope. I just have to wait, I'm afraid.
33:41This is where we could get up and do a song and dance for everyone. What's the best time to
33:45visit the dentist? 2.30.
33:48I'm just getting warmed up, this stuff.
33:54So, we wait for a few minutes, and then we are ready.
33:59The trouble is, I'm coming up on my third coffee. I do need something to happen.
34:05Oh, God.
34:06I thought they would be on time.
34:08I don't like waiting.
34:10Are you ready?
34:11Not yet.
34:12Not yet.
34:15Oh, my God.
34:16I think we should just create a bit of drama.
34:18Yeah?
34:20Oh, no.
34:21It's okay, I'm fine.
34:23I'm fine.
34:24It's okay, she's got a sore tooth.
34:28You all right?
34:28Yeah, she's just...
34:31Good acting.
34:33Here we go.
34:34But why?
34:35You know why.
34:36Oh, my God.
34:37You're getting married.
34:38So, you have to get all your teeth pulled up now, so your husband don't have to pay for it
34:43in the future.
34:43Yes.
34:44All of them?
34:45I got mine out for my confirmation, and then you got nice new dentures in. It will be all right.
34:51Welcome, welcome. I bid you welcome.
34:52It's nothing to worry about.
34:54It takes about half an hour.
34:56Half an hour?
34:57I'll wait for you here.
34:58Yes, this way.
34:59Come on.
35:00We need to help that lady.
35:02I disagree with the reviews.
35:03It's good stuff.
35:04Calling it a play is pushing it, but it's an oddly immersive piece, and they use this space very well.
35:10When she runs upstairs and comes out the window, you're like, lovely stuff. It's like a Western.
35:16I'm not finished.
35:17Oh, she's covered in blood.
35:18I found out awful things.
35:20It was quite informative that all women had to get all their teeth removed before you got married, so that
35:24your husband didn't have to pay for it.
35:26But good performers, a little bit of gore, a tiny little bit of smell.
35:29Come with me, and I show you my instruments.
35:32Excuse me?
35:33It was a little bit of a, this is theatre, baby. I'm all for it.
35:42Right, Sarah, what next?
35:45Voss.
35:46Okay.
35:46Camping, outdoors, stars, women bonding.
35:50So we've done quite a lot in Bergen, and now we're going to go and see a bit more of
35:53the countryside, and we're going to go, dare I say it, hellish camping, but somewhere beautiful.
36:00So, go somewhere nice, do an awful thing.
36:03That's sort of the vibe, right?
36:09We're exploring Norway, a country which has prompted this review.
36:13Expensive, cold and wet.
36:14What's not to like?
36:16So, we've decided to see the most fit landscapes in the world via the worst thing ever invented, camping.
36:23We've come to the station.
36:25We've been lent this stuff for free.
36:27There's a place called Bua, and it's like a Christian missionary, and in Norway, they lend it to you for
36:33free, so you don't have to buy it and have waste.
36:35Just give it back, it's amazing.
36:37And we're going to Voss.
36:38Voss, now camping.
36:41Beautiful place, terrible activity.
36:43Do you think it will convert me?
36:44Yeah.
36:45That's my, that's what I'm going to do.
36:47I'm going to convert you.
36:48You're going to become a camping gal.
36:50Right, let's go and get the train then.
36:51All right.
36:53You managed to get off a bit lightly there, didn't you?
36:56I did.
36:58We have left it a little bit late.
36:59I mean...
37:00We've got so much stuff.
37:01Quick, quick, quick.
37:03That was sweet.
37:04Oh, hello.
37:06Snazzy.
37:06Your Majesty.
37:10We're heading east to the small town of Voss, on a train one passenger described as bad and unreliable.
37:16So we'll fit right in.
37:19Do you want to hear a review of this train, Sarah?
37:22I'd absolutely love one.
37:23I can't imagine anyone saying anything negative.
37:26One star.
37:27The train is not particularly clean or well maintained.
37:30The toilets had no soap and the seats very loose.
37:34The worst train I've ever been on.
37:36Is that King Charles and Camilla?
37:38Who...
37:38It is actually, they've signed it themselves.
37:41At the end, you didn't even see much of the landscape either.
37:45What?
37:46Do you know what I reckon they were doing?
37:47They were so busy just typing in their phone moaning that they forgot to look out.
37:52So pretty.
37:54Wow.
37:54This is it, isn't it?
37:56This is being on holiday.
37:57The bridge, the water.
37:59It's so relaxing.
38:00The shrubbery and the big black tunnels.
38:02I guess that's the thing, isn't it?
38:04You've sort of got to keep your eyes out, because then...
38:06Fjord!
38:07Yeah.
38:08Here we go.
38:08Let's get...
38:09Let's see what we can see.
38:09Let's gulp down some beauty.
38:11Oh, gone, yeah.
38:15It feels like a supermarket dash.
38:17Maybe it's like a philosophical lesson.
38:20Go on.
38:20Appreciate the view while it's there.
38:22Are your eyes eating it?
38:26I'm trying to get the beauty in.
38:28Yeah.
38:29In a sort of gluttonous way.
38:30Because I'm trying to enjoy the view.
38:32And in my ear, I can hear...
38:36It's sort of underlying it.
38:42Here we are.
38:43Vos, baby.
38:45Look, a lovely hotel.
38:46Why can't we stay in a hotel in Vos?
38:48Because the reviews are too good.
38:50But not all reviewers think Vos is boss.
38:53Some of them are cross.
38:56One star.
38:57Vos is a small town with little interest in itself.
38:59I was bored.
39:01Hmm.
39:01There's a three star.
39:02This is more positive.
39:04I'd say there are plenty to do there.
39:06You just need to be creative.
39:08That's us.
39:09Yeah.
39:09We're creative.
39:10That is us, baby.
39:11Let's go show these mountains a good time.
39:15Vos is mainly a ski resort.
39:17But as it's summer and we've been banned from ever roller skiing again,
39:21we're setting up camp by the lake
39:22to enjoy the Nordic concept of free Luftsliff,
39:26or open air life.
39:29I mean, it is absolutely stunning.
39:31I can't hear anything, apart from us.
39:34Sometimes zero stars comes up in our favour.
39:37Yeah.
39:40It's overwhelmingly beautiful.
39:41I can't believe people got bored here.
39:44I don't think you need to do anything but sit and smell that air.
39:49I should have looked up whether Norway has snakes
39:51before we went camping.
39:53You say things like this as we approach the campsite.
39:58Right, so it's free roam, right to roam or whatever,
40:00so you can just camp anywhere.
40:01Yeah.
40:02So we can just sit by the beach then.
40:04Yeah, let's go down here.
40:06Are you sure it's legal, Sarah?
40:07I don't want to wake up with the feds around me.
40:09I don't want to wake up with a bear poking his head through.
40:12Oh, I'd love that.
40:13Would you?
40:13A cow, a bear, a horse. Yes, please.
40:16Yeah, all those big animals.
40:17Yeah, I like a big animal.
40:18If you know what I mean.
40:22Right, so I think tent is the most important thing to get up first.
40:25Do you think it's a pop-up or no?
40:27It's definitely not a pop-up because these are separate.
40:29OK.
40:30Woo!
40:31And I will not do this in Epsley.
40:32Oh, no.
40:33But women everywhere.
40:34Roche, we're doing this for women, I was about to say.
40:36I'm not doing it for women.
40:37Some women don't give a shit about camping.
40:40And that's me.
40:41OK.
40:42Right, how did you get in there, then, man?
40:45There's this, but there's no in.
40:47Yeah, that's what I thought.
40:47There would be a tube inside normally.
40:50Camping is taking everything that you do in your normal life
40:52and going, make it more difficult so that when you get home,
40:54you really appreciate having a toilet.
40:58OK.
40:59No, that's definitely, I've got it definitely in the wrong.
41:01Stop it!
41:02This is a silly, this is silly.
41:04Oh, do you think the yellow one's supposed to go in the yellow one
41:06and the red one's supposed to go in the red one?
41:08I think that now.
41:08Yeah.
41:09Yeah.
41:09There might be some instructions.
41:11They're Norwegian.
41:12Don't mansplain us tent making.
41:16Right.
41:17This goes in the end of a tube here.
41:19So this does go here.
41:21God damn, yeah.
41:22It's got, that's it.
41:23You got it.
41:24Yes, I got my finger on it.
41:25You got in it.
41:29Yeah, you fucker.
41:31It's a lot of admin camping.
41:33That's the fun of it.
41:34That's why it's not like one style, nothing to do.
41:37You've got loads to do.
41:38Just survive.
41:39Yeah.
41:40You don't get this view from a hotel.
41:42This is nice to be fair.
41:43It is nice.
41:44Our tent was up.
41:47Now, make flames.
41:49Oh my God, Roisin, you made a fire.
41:51Yeah.
41:52Yeah.
41:52Irish holidays.
41:55They didn't have a central heating in my nan's house.
41:57It was fires.
41:59It's very close to our seating area.
42:03I don't think you should put that on there.
42:05No, I'm not.
42:06I'm putting it here for you to sit on.
42:08Because they can enjoy the fire you made.
42:10Oh my God.
42:10Because I'm a gentleman.
42:12My lady.
42:13We need to get our snacks.
42:15I think you have to run across really fast like this.
42:17What do you need?
42:18Grab them all.
42:23Careful, it's very flamey.
42:25This is fun, isn't it?
42:26Yeah.
42:26I just thought of a pun.
42:27Do you want to hear it?
42:28Go on.
42:28Roasting, Conaty.
42:34The fire's lovely now, isn't it?
42:36Lovely and warm.
42:37Camping is a thing I don't love, but this has been actually very fun.
42:42I hate when I sort of enjoy things that I sort of am against.
42:46This is a lovely end to what has been a pretty amazing trip.
42:49Yeah.
42:50Did you like Bergen?
42:51Loved Bergen.
42:52I'm going to say something.
42:53It might be my favourite.
42:56Norway might be expensive, but I think our trip was good value.
43:00It doesn't cost anything to enjoy the scenery,
43:03or hang out with teenagers in an empty car park,
43:05and most importantly, spend some quality time with a friend.
43:09Oh, no.
43:10You've got yourself.
43:11Ah!
43:12My review is four fjord banana peels out of five.
43:18Norway, I love you.
43:20Five stars.
43:21Absolutely wonderful place.
43:22That blue coat I bought in Bergen, I lost it.
43:24So I'm using this time to appeal for anyone to find that coat.
43:27I lost it in Wales, or someone in Norway sent me another one.
43:29Look how nice it is on me.
43:30Five stars, Norway.
43:31Love you.
43:32Wow.
43:33You've got a long night ahead.
43:35Yeah.
43:35We need to tell scary stories or something.
43:38I was once camping with Roisin and we both caught fire.
43:41No!
43:43Wow.
43:56Very neighboring.
44:02Yay!
44:10It's wonderful!
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