- 9 hours ago
Zero Stars Season 1 Episode 3
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00:04We're here baby. Most travelers avoid bad reviews. Let's see what the review says.
00:09One star. One star. One star. I've never seen anything more stupid.
00:12If I could give it zero stars, I would. But not us.
00:15I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up my own mind.
00:17I'm Sarah Pascoe. I'm brilliant at this. I'm Roisin Conaty.
00:22Come on fishy, fishy. We're comedians, but more importantly, best friends.
00:26As someone who has received bad reviews, I will always try to look to the good.
00:30So we're turning the tables on the review sites.
00:32They were so busy typing in their pneumonia, they've got to look out.
00:36And visiting places based on the worst reviews.
00:38Come closer, it's nothing to be afraid of.
00:41My review is 100 stars.
00:43But will this Journey of Salvation be a five star funfest?
00:47I'm an absolute killer. Yes!
00:50Or are we in for a holiday from hell?
00:53Hell!
01:06Welcome to Albania. Welcome to Tirana.
01:09Thank you. We've both never been here before. It's our first time.
01:13We're Albanian virgins.
01:16Don't speak that rumour.
01:19What do I know about Albania? I know it's very close to Greece. I've heard the people are nice. I
01:26know...
01:28As I'm doing this interview, I realise I don't know a lot.
01:31How do I say thank you in Albanian?
01:34It's a little bit long.
01:36Let's give it a go.
01:37Falemendere.
01:38Falemendere.
01:39A Northern Irish person saying a falem and a dairy.
01:43I'll have this language in no time.
01:45Yeah.
01:46The point of the trip for me is to open my own mind. So I want to see as much
01:49of Albania as possible. I want to see the extremes. I want to see the new things. I want to
01:53see the traditional things. I want to get right into the underbelly of what makes Albania, Albania and hopefully have
01:58a lovely time.
02:00For years, Albania was the North Korea of Europe. A communist state totally closed off to the world. Now it's
02:09opened up to tourism and some are calling it the Maldives of Europe.
02:14So, we're travelling from the capital to the coast to the countryside to see if we agree with reviews like
02:21this.
02:22Albania is my least favourite place on earth. You're going to have a bad time.
02:26Well, you know us. We love a challenge.
02:31I think it's there.
02:34You've made me think I've over-packed.
02:37Definitely over-packed.
02:40The Rosa Blue Hotel in Serrana.
02:43Who could resist this review?
02:45Bugs were coming out of the bed all the time, pubic hair everywhere.
02:49And such a warm welcome.
02:52Hi, sir.
02:54They're in the bank industry.
02:55Is this the hotel?
02:57That can't be the hotel.
02:59Well, we've got one each to guard us.
03:02Hello, sir.
03:03Like your gun?
03:04I don't know if they're friends or foes.
03:06Are they looking at us?
03:07I don't want to look at them in case they're watching us now.
03:09And we've been suspicious. Don't be suspicious.
03:11I can't not be suspicious.
03:13That's my nature. I said nice gun to him.
03:16Over-eat it.
03:18Welcome to Serrana.
03:23He's right. They both say down.
03:26Why don't they have a choice?
03:29Why? There's no up. How do you get upstairs?
03:32How do you get up?
03:33Just to see what happens.
03:35Oh!
03:40What is this?
03:42609?
03:42Right.
03:44I mean, it looks pretty clean.
03:46It's lovely and clean.
03:47Considering, compared to the reception, I'm now like, okay, fine.
03:50Hang on, hang on.
03:52Hang on.
03:55Holy hang on.
03:56This is fancy.
03:58You're such a pervert.
03:59Look at that bar.
04:00This is like how I imagine Craig David lives all the time in Miami.
04:05I like this.
04:06Do you not like it?
04:07Well, I hope you enjoy your poo.
04:09Hang on.
04:10This could be a problem, Rose.
04:13I'll just be a minute.
04:15Well, it's soundproof.
04:17No, you can't hear what I'm doing, can you?
04:19No, you can't hear what you're doing.
04:21Look, it is really clean, but this is a very weird room.
04:24It's the pink bit as well round the top.
04:27The light, the lighting, the art.
04:30Oh, I asked for that.
04:31I emailed them.
04:33Give me a glass tree, for the love of God.
04:36I love this bath.
04:38Oh, no.
04:39This is how I want to live.
04:41I can't guarantee I won't turn the taps on.
04:43Okay, there's one pube.
04:45There's one pube I'm getting out.
04:46There's a pube?
04:47It does.
04:47I don't look at it.
04:48But that happens in every hotel.
04:50You can't get them all if there's been a hairy man in.
04:53Yeah, it's like a...
04:55Welcome.
04:56Yes!
04:56Right, so where's your room?
04:58We'll see what this one's like and then we'll decide which one.
05:00Who sleeps in...
05:01Well, you're having puberty.
05:02Oh, my God, this is...
05:04Oh, my God.
05:06I love it.
05:08I think this is how pop stars live.
05:09This is probably what Tom Jones' bedroom looks like.
05:12I think he'd have more towels.
05:14This is a good idea.
05:16Pebbles when you get out of the bath.
05:17To make you feel like you've been to the beach, like Brighton.
05:20Oh, that's exactly it.
05:21You have a cold bath.
05:22Look, it is, look.
05:26What is in there, though?
05:27There's another room or something.
05:29What?
05:32What's that beeping noise?
05:33I think it's a lift.
05:36It is a lift.
05:37Oh, my God.
05:37I find that scary.
05:41You can't get in it.
05:42I've never seen that as a feature in a hotel before.
05:45Like, imagine if we pressed that button
05:46and then that is where the man, the scary man is.
05:48He's just like, hi, guys.
05:50It's where I'd hide.
05:51He could see you in the bath.
05:52I don't like it, actually.
05:54Well, it's your room.
05:56Now it's my room, isn't it?
05:58That pubes looking pretty good right now.
05:59I'm going to get one of the guys with the guns
06:00to come up and sleep next to me and protect me.
06:042.7, Sarah.
06:06Well, here we go, top review.
06:08Lady manager, very nice.
06:09Helpful foodies, goose.
06:11Breakfast, funtastic.
06:13Funtastic.
06:14Fun.
06:14Putting the fun into breakfast.
06:16The room doesn't have water.
06:17That's the only problem.
06:18So this is a family complaining about a smell,
06:20but they say they've got a son, so it's probably him.
06:22They saw a mouse there.
06:24Whereas I like mice, don't I?
06:25So that's OK.
06:26There is something about pubes and we can verify that.
06:29It's strange.
06:30Yeah.
06:31Strange isn't bad.
06:32It's just different.
06:33Yeah.
06:34So, shall we go and explore Tarana?
06:36Yeah, bebe.
06:37Let's Tarana it up.
06:44Our first stop, a tourist attraction reviewers have called Pointless and Ugly.
06:49Well, we'll show them Pointless and Ugly.
06:51I can't say I'm excited about this.
06:53I am excited about it, Sarah.
06:56Ta-da!
06:57Well, that is a whole lot of pyramid.
07:01Apparently, it's one of the worst reviewed things in Tarana.
07:03That's why we're here.
07:05We don't want to see any of the good stuff.
07:06Oh, no.
07:06We're not here for that.
07:18It's English people.
07:19Are you English people?
07:20Yes.
07:20We knew we spotted you.
07:22Do you think this is a good pyramid?
07:24It's a pyramid.
07:25Yeah.
07:26We're going to the seaside tomorrow.
07:28Apparently, it's the Maldives of Europe.
07:30Yeah.
07:30We're going to the river for that.
07:32This is the Thailand of Europe.
07:33Oh, is it?
07:34Oh, they know how to do it.
07:36They've claimed the whole world here.
07:37It's Maritain.
07:38Yeah.
07:38This is the Berlin.
07:41Lovely to meet you guys.
07:42Have a lovely holiday.
07:44Have a lovely holiday.
07:45Our next new friend is our pyramid tour guide.
07:48I feel good.
07:48Nice to meet you.
07:50And spitting image of Albania's favourite celebrity, Julie Perlin.
07:54Take us up those stairs.
07:55Come on.
07:56I hope we won't melt on the way there.
08:00One small step for man.
08:04Normally, though, at the top, there would be like a...
08:07A water slide.
08:08People would slide down there.
08:09Did they?
08:10Yeah.
08:10All these stairs that you see was just a big flat surface.
08:13Yeah.
08:13And people would slide down.
08:15I don't mind a few stairs.
08:16Maybe some tourist attractions could add in more physical elements.
08:19Westminster Abbey.
08:20You'd have a rope that you climb up to ding a bell or something.
08:24And this is it.
08:25The top of the pyramid.
08:26That sounds so exciting, Hilda.
08:29Top of the pyramid, everyone.
08:32It's party time.
08:34And time to get to know our guide.
08:37Hilda, you look a lot like Dua Lipa.
08:40Oh, really?
08:40Yes.
08:41And that's a compliment because she's very beautiful.
08:43Do you know her?
08:44No.
08:45Hashtag journalism.
08:47So, the pyramid is so famous because in 1988, it used to be a museum based on the communist leader
08:54of Albania.
08:55And a few years later, when communism dropped, the whole museum was vandalized and abandoned.
09:00That is like the Millennium Dome.
09:02Now they have concerts and Drake's been there, so...
09:04You need to get Drake here.
09:05Yeah.
09:05Yeah.
09:06Drake comes up through that.
09:08Absolute money maker.
09:11As someone who has received bad reviews, I will never agree with someone else's bad reviews.
09:15I will always try to look to the good.
09:16My mum always said, boring people find things boring.
09:19There's loads to do.
09:20You could bring some dominoes with you.
09:22A flask of tea.
09:26Erm...
09:27Well, we've seen the pyramid.
09:29We think it's fine.
09:30Let's go shoot some guns.
09:31Yeah.
09:32Enjoy.
09:33Let's get to the gun range.
09:37We asked Hilda what the locals do for fun in Tirana.
09:40And she sent us to a shooting range.
09:43Who knew Dua Lipa was packing heat?
09:45Rogat.
09:47Rogat guns.
09:49Do you like my pun?
09:50Is it a pun?
09:52Rogat guns.
09:53Oh, Rogat guns.
09:54Rogat guns.
09:55Rogat.
09:55And then, like, the gun show.
09:57Yeah, yeah.
09:58I've got very limited upper body strength, Sarah.
10:00Most women have.
10:02Rogat guns is a gun range where reviewers complain that the safety rules lasted exactly five seconds.
10:08Oh, perfect for busy modern professionals like us.
10:14But at least people live to tell the tale.
10:17Hello.
10:17Hello.
10:18OK, so it is your first time here, yeah?
10:19Safety rules.
10:20Hold the gun always in the action of target.
10:22Don't turn around with a handgun, OK?
10:24OK, right.
10:25These are firearms.
10:25They're not toys.
10:26If you have any questions, any problem, anything you should need, put the gun there.
10:30OK.
10:30That's all about safety rules.
10:32It's basically hold a gun like that, hold it like that, press it like that, over there.
10:36That's, I mean, I could work there now.
10:37I feel quite frightened now.
10:39Yeah.
10:39I was so full of bravado upstairs, and then now I've got here and I've seen that.
10:42Terrifying.
10:43Just come here above you.
10:44Even that's scary.
10:48What colour do you like?
10:48And what would you like?
10:50Which is that?
10:50That one is huge.
10:52Good choice.
10:54Get all of you like this.
10:55Put the gun in the action of target.
10:56Arms forward.
10:57To aiming, you have to close your left eye and you have to see with the right.
10:59I can't do one eye at the same time.
11:01Try.
11:01So I can't wink in a sexy way.
11:04And the last thing, squeeze the trigger slowly with the deep of the finger.
11:07That's all.
11:10Do you really not want to go first?
11:11I don't know.
11:12I feel absolutely insane.
11:13OK.
11:13Well then I'll go first then.
11:15Can you do it?
11:17Yeah.
11:17I'm an older sister.
11:19I'm used to leading by example.
11:27Hold it tight, yeah?
11:28Arms forward.
11:28Really, like that.
11:30And then I push it to like that.
11:32Aim and then squeeze a bit.
11:33Yeah?
11:34Yes.
11:35Fucking hell!
11:37So much.
11:40It was really loud.
11:41Five stars.
11:42Have a nice evening.
11:44Thanks for having us so long.
11:45Fire came out of it.
11:45Fire came out of it.
11:46Fire came out of it.
11:49You shot a gun.
11:53Did I hit it?
11:53No.
11:54No, I did hit the paper.
11:56There we go.
11:56The paper, not the target.
11:57That's what I was aiming for.
11:58You're a very brave person.
12:01Yeah.
12:01But how could we do our job unless you have this bit about, I don't want to do it, I'm
12:04still
12:04going to go on and do it.
12:05I just tried not to think about it and get the job done.
12:08Like an assassin.
12:09Don't get your empathy involved.
12:10Don't think about the victim.
12:11Just pull that trigger.
12:12Very soon was thinking too much.
12:14Has anyone ever got sick in here?
12:16No.
12:17So you'll be the first one.
12:19You could see the force and the fire out of it.
12:24It's like really visceral and it felt insane and my whole body was like, no.
12:29Come on.
12:29But when you've got it in your hand, don't turn around and talk to anyone.
12:34I'm just, I've got this, it'll hit me.
12:38Yeah.
12:38But it won't.
12:40Oh, will it hurt the piece of paper?
12:43Will my hands recoil?
12:45She was sort of worrying that she was going to suddenly turn around and go on a shooting
12:48spree against her will.
12:49So you pick up the gun and get an itch.
12:51So a spider jumps out at you.
12:53There's a lot that can happen in those seconds.
13:01We're in Albania.
13:02Lured in by bad reviews.
13:03We're at a gun range.
13:05This is mad.
13:06And Roisin's killer instinct is failing her.
13:08I was so sure I was going to be like, dirty Harry.
13:11Dirty Harry.
13:12I'm just Harry.
13:15Come on.
13:16It's not helping.
13:18Look how he's doing it.
13:20We are not killing anyone.
13:21So you're shooting for fun for the sport.
13:23So come on.
13:24Let's try it.
13:26Okay.
13:30In this TV program, it won't be a realistic length of time.
13:33But just so the viewers know, and I think in honesty, we should say, we've been in there
13:36for three hours.
13:37Do you mind if I watch you?
13:46Okay.
13:47Ready?
13:47Yeah.
13:48Is it ready?
13:49Are they all ready behind me?
13:50Yeah.
13:50All good, guys.
13:53Hold.
13:58Like this?
13:59Yeah.
14:05Perfect.
14:06Well done.
14:07Woo!
14:08You did it!
14:11Ro not got guns.
14:12I wish you did so well.
14:14I did it.
14:15You did so well.
14:17Come.
14:18You did good.
14:19Roisin, you smashed it.
14:20I'm an absolute killer.
14:22Yeah.
14:22I'm an absolute killer.
14:24Maybe that's why I don't want to awaken the beast.
14:26Yes.
14:28You're well done.
14:28Sorry.
14:29Thank you very much.
14:32If I'd had 45 minutes to think about it, maybe I'd have been a bit better as well.
14:36Okay.
14:36She did.
14:37And it's not a competition.
14:39I can't believe this.
14:40Give me the machine gun.
14:42Do you want me to guide you through it?
14:43Just run off it.
14:45Oh, I think it was a lot about the tiptoeing, wasn't it, Roisin?
14:48It was a lot about the tiptoeing very slowly towards the gun.
14:50I think it helps you be more settled.
14:52I think that's what all sort of big killers sort of get into.
14:56I'm actually impressed with that.
14:57You should be impressed.
14:59Because I close my eyes.
15:03It's not a competition, and I appreciated her magnanimous support of me.
15:08But I'm the natural born killer.
15:10Five stars, no note.
15:11Yeah.
15:12Thank you very much.
15:12Thank you so much.
15:13Thank you very much.
15:14I fired a gun.
15:15So now we've got gun residues.
15:17When we go back to the airport, they've got a reason to touch our bums.
15:23It's a new day in Albania.
15:25And after a relaxing soak in the pube jacuzzi, we're off to the seaside.
15:31Today's the day the real holiday starts.
15:33Why?
15:33Because we're going to go to the Maldives of Europe.
15:35What have you heard about it then?
15:37Maldives.
15:37It's going to be beautiful.
15:39Crystal blue water, tropical fish jumping up to kiss me.
15:41Your optimism is very endearing.
15:44In fairness, people do review beaches badly for mad reasons.
15:47Yeah.
15:47It can't be worse than England, which is covered in shit.
15:49That's the advantage of coming from a shit country.
15:51Yeah.
15:51So I think we should probably wind our neck in.
15:55Right, what are we doing then?
15:56Are we having it?
15:57Yeah.
15:58Got a very special taxi.
15:59And hey, our taxi's arrived.
16:01Boy, this guy likes Elvis.
16:06Hello.
16:07Oh, he's dressed like Elvis.
16:08He's dressed like Elvis.
16:14Would you like to go to the seaside, please?
16:17You're welcome.
16:21Oh, my God.
16:22Oh, my God.
16:22Oh, my God.
16:23Oh, my God.
16:24Oh, my God.
16:26Go, the music's starting.
16:28Whoa.
16:28Singers, my song.
16:29Your song.
16:30Amazing.
16:31How long's this drive?
16:34When Albania was communist, it was illegal to own your own car.
16:38So when the country opened up in the 90s, drivers bought their own vehicles and customised them to reflect their
16:44own personalities.
16:45Well, you know, most people just hung up some fluffy dice.
16:49Oh, is that the microphone?
17:01I should have got drunk.
17:03I know it's eight in the morning, but I should have got drunk most.
17:11Oh, Elvis glasses.
17:16Oh, he's dancing.
17:17Hands on the steering wheel, please, sir.
17:18Hands on the steering wheel.
17:23This is a wild choice.
17:26Yeah.
17:27I'll clap if you drive, please.
17:29We'll do the clapping.
17:32We'll do the clapping.
17:33Please.
17:35We've got so much to live for.
17:40I'll be honest, it's not that dissimilar to my dad driving me to school in the 80s.
17:49It's enjoyable.
17:50And then you remember he's driving.
17:52Yeah.
17:53Woo!
17:56Wild.
17:59He knows so many moves.
18:00Sadly, none of them are hands at ten and two.
18:14It's better, like, the 19th time, even.
18:16I hope we never get there.
18:21It's so pretty.
18:23I'm excited about the beach.
18:26Sunbathing, swimming, relaxing.
18:28What could possibly go wrong with a beach nestled in one of Albania's largest national parks?
18:34All I can see is sand.
18:37This is a long car park.
18:39I've never been anywhere like this.
18:40No.
18:40I don't know what this is.
18:41No, this is nothing on Earth.
18:43The moon?
18:44Oh, I can see the sea.
18:46Oh, my God.
18:46This is the beach.
18:47That is the sea.
18:49I've never driven on a beach.
18:50This feels so funny.
18:51It's so luxurious.
18:52Because they're usually covered with people having a nice time.
18:56Are you sure we're in the right place?
18:59Oh, great.
19:00There's a dog poo.
19:03This is rubbish.
19:06Is Diviaca Beach a nice place to take a swim?
19:11Nah.
19:15Now he's turned off the engine, we finally felt safe.
19:19Oh, of course.
19:20He's got nunchucks.
19:22What's happening?
19:23Did Elvis do nunchucks?
19:24Nah.
19:25It's so close.
19:26It's so close.
19:27It's so close.
19:28That's a bit.
19:37It's just so surreal.
19:39It's like an episode of Twin Peaks.
19:41Can I have a go?
19:43Yeah.
19:44Ow!
19:45It looks like you're flagellating yourself like a Catholic who's done something naughty.
19:49Is it?
19:49You're actually very good at it.
19:50Yeah.
19:51Now that I've seen you.
19:52Do you want to go?
19:52I think it's more like this.
19:53Chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka, chicka.
19:55I'm brilliant at this!
19:56I didn't even ever know!
20:01Oh, she got it.
20:02She got it.
20:03Sorry.
20:04Thank you very much.
20:06It's a fart with himself.
20:09Woo!
20:13How are we getting home?
20:14Well, we're not going to...
20:15I'm not doing nine hours of going with that taxi.
20:17I know.
20:17Bye, Elvis.
20:18She keeps us driving to the sea.
20:19Imagine.
20:20Oh, my God, the flamingos started touching my leg and I thought it was a beast.
20:25Obviously, it's a disappointing beach, but I'm...
20:27I'm crushed.
20:29It's not as bad as I was expecting.
20:30Oh, really?
20:31No.
20:32The reviews are really bad.
20:33One star.
20:34A sad place.
20:35I'd agree.
20:36We went on a hike and then stopped because we were just walking through trash.
20:39There was a lot of rubbish on the floor.
20:40Pollution.
20:41Ecological disaster.
20:43Ecological disaster?
20:44I've not even seen a seagull.
20:46Oh, God, there's no wildlife.
20:47There's no wildlife.
20:49I'm presuming this might be their worst beach.
20:51The worst one.
20:51We've got to give them some benefit today.
20:52It can't get much worse, really.
20:56Well, let's not be sad.
20:57No.
20:57Or holiday.
20:59But this bit, like, there's patches of beach that are nice and the sand's warm on my toes.
21:05Someone's lost a shoe.
21:06I don't want to flip it over in case there's a leg.
21:09Oh, don't.
21:09A leg underneath.
21:11Woo!
21:12No.
21:13It's a skull.
21:13It's a skull.
21:14It's a skull.
21:15It's a crab skull.
21:16No, it's not.
21:16That's a bigger animal.
21:17That's like a goat.
21:19My favourite thing is there's a cup here floating around and it's called litter.
21:23Well, that makes me feel hopeful that there will be somewhere to buy refreshments.
21:26No.
21:27Look at that.
21:28Completely abandoned.
21:34My house, if it had no bins, would be an ecological disaster.
21:38That's a solution, isn't it?
21:39Get some bins.
21:40Are we going to get some food?
21:42Yeah, I'm really hungry.
21:42OK.
21:43We settle on a local restaurant called Ali Kali based on this tantalising review.
21:49The smell of horse urine was everywhere.
21:52Ooh, delicious.
21:54This is looking very charming.
21:57Rustic.
21:57Yeah.
21:58Like I feel like we're in the belly of Albania.
22:01Yeah.
22:01I hear a generator.
22:02Love it.
22:04There's horses.
22:06This is like heaven, isn't it?
22:08We sort of love the ramshackle, rustic nature, would you say?
22:11Yeah.
22:12Perfect.
22:12It's almost romantic, wasn't it?
22:13Yeah, some nice horses.
22:15Hello, horses.
22:16This is sort of my perfect restaurant.
22:19Just hearing the birds and watching the horses eat their grass.
22:24Looks like I take a seat.
22:25Oh, there you go, madam.
22:26Sorry, I didn't mind.
22:27That's what you were waiting for.
22:29You know I won't sit down with the chairs and pulled out for me.
22:32Sometimes forget how classy you are.
22:34This is nice, isn't it?
22:36It feels like we're really in Albania now, the countryside of Albania.
22:39And it's nice and earthy.
22:42The bad reviews are probably because it's not that slick.
22:45It's not Wagamamas.
22:46It smells of outdoors, including animal excrement, let's say.
22:50Yeah.
22:50But we're not the kind of people that would bother us.
22:52We love it.
22:52We love it.
22:53Bring it on.
22:53Who hates this?
22:54Like again, Wagamamas could do with that.
22:58Miss Herdot, you look in camera.
23:01Thank you very much.
23:02A filamentary?
23:02A filamentary.
23:03Yeah.
23:03Fish.
23:05Fish?
23:05Fish.
23:07OK.
23:08OK.
23:10Is he willing to?
23:12He's going fishing.
23:13You've sent him fishing.
23:15What?
23:16He's run to get a horse, and now he's riding the horse, but...
23:19to go fishing.
23:22He's literally riding around.
23:23I think he might be bringing you a bouquet.
23:25I think he's bringing you some flowers.
23:27A bouquet of fish?
23:28A bouquet of fish!
23:31This country's so crazy.
23:32I'd be like, yeah, bouquet of fish.
23:33It's OK.
23:34There's a load of bass.
23:36Things were about to get a lot more rustic than we had bargained for.
23:44We were in Albania.
23:45We wanted an authentic, no gimmicks, dining experience.
23:50But we've ended up in a horse restaurant.
23:57And do you know what?
23:58Sometimes reviews are accurate.
24:01The smell of horse urine was everywhere.
24:04Mmm, yummy.
24:06Or juice and fizzy water, I presumed.
24:08Do you want to steal?
24:10Where is curry in food?
24:15Big salad, lovely olives.
24:18Chips.
24:19This looks delicious.
24:20Thank you all.
24:20Thank you very much.
24:23Did you ever want to ride horses or have a pony?
24:26I used to go on holidays.
24:28Oh, yeah.
24:28I'd get to the mountain and everyone would get on the horse.
24:31And then I'd bail out.
24:32Yeah.
24:32And the horse would have no wallet and no water.
24:34And then I'd have to walk five miles to the town.
24:36What about you?
24:37You a horse rider?
24:38No, I can't help feeling it's a little bit cruel to put your whole body on an animal.
24:43I love them.
24:44Yeah.
24:44But I respect them as an equal.
24:45I wouldn't ride Boris Johnson, for instance.
24:47I wouldn't rule him out.
24:50I don't think, personally, we let the horse aspect very much.
24:54The thing is, I eat animals.
24:56So, you know, you don't.
24:57At least you've got some...
24:58Yeah, I do feel smug about that.
25:01Oh, hello.
25:06Wow.
25:06But not for me.
25:07But not for me.
25:08OK.
25:09Oh, that's more than that.
25:12Oh, OK.
25:13I'm there.
25:16The fish is very tasty.
25:18I think some people would love this kind of thing.
25:20Yeah.
25:21And I worry...
25:22You've got another spider in your hair.
25:23OK.
25:23I'm going to say zero stars.
25:24I've got spiders in my hair, OK?
25:26I haven't picked him yet.
25:28The pickles are delicious.
25:29Five stars, no note.
25:31The chips are nice.
25:32The salad's nice.
25:33Good gear here.
25:34This is the thing about Albania.
25:3670%, great.
25:3820%, what is happening?
25:44We've had a thrilling day on the Albanian coast.
25:47Now that our intimate horse dinner date is over,
25:50we've decided on a romantic riverboat cruise
25:53to see if there's more to Divyaka than a horse waiter
25:55and a bad beach.
26:02Is it raining?
26:04I hadn't noticed.
26:08You've all got the weather for this booking, Sarah.
26:11Clean?
26:12Hi.
26:13Hello.
26:14Hi, I would like a boat ride, please.
26:17So there's a...
26:18What's a daisy?
26:19You OK?
26:20Yeah, yeah.
26:20I'm not elegant, but I am OK.
26:22OK, I'm not elegant either.
26:24Help me.
26:24Yeah, there you go.
26:25A lovely day on the river.
26:27Do you like rain?
26:28I like rain.
26:29Normally, I like watching it through glass.
26:32But this is more of an immersive experience.
26:35Oh, it's getting heavier.
26:36It's getting heavier!
26:39That's all right, pal.
26:40You keep the bolly to yourself.
26:42And your coat.
26:43Oh, where's the rain?
26:44Who turned the rain up?
26:45Someone turned the rain up!
26:47That's crazy!
26:48Oh, we're a child of America!
26:50Oh, God!
26:51OK.
26:53Well...
26:54Oh, my God!
26:57Don't tip us!
26:59Don't tip us!
26:59Don't tip us!
27:00Don't tip us over!
27:02Oh, it's good fun, though!
27:03Yeah!
27:03Say what you want!
27:04It is good fun!
27:05Oh, my God!
27:05I'm having the time of my life!
27:07Oh, I am living right now!
27:13This is actually stunning!
27:15We're badly dressed for it.
27:17We were expecting...
27:17It's no such thing as bad weather!
27:19It's just bad clothes!
27:20Bad clothes!
27:21Yeah, we're just not in the best of clothes.
27:23I needed...
27:23We needed goggles!
27:24We needed goggles!
27:25We needed...
27:26Flippers!
27:27Flippers!
27:28Scuba!
27:29Scuba wear!
27:30Oh, my God!
27:31It is actually really beautiful!
27:33Like...
27:34I wouldn't say really beautiful!
27:35I think it's really beautiful!
27:36OK!
27:37Even in this rain, I would give it five stars!
27:44It's hailstones!
27:45Is that...
27:46What comes out of there?
27:47Let's not think about it!
27:48Yeah!
27:49We're having a nice time!
27:50Albania!
27:51If you're looking for a trip of a lifetime, something different!
27:55Sure, you could come down this river on a nice day, but what are you learning?
27:58What are you feeling?
27:58Yay!
27:59Hold on!
28:00Thank you!
28:01Woohoo!
28:02Don't tip us though!
28:03I don't think that we could be any wetter, even if we fell in the water, Rochi!
28:07No, but...
28:07Eels, maybe!
28:09Yeah, I know!
28:09I'm really into it, Rochi!
28:10I think it got that balsamic vinegar out that I spilt on my skirt as well!
28:18I'm gonna shake myself like a dog!
28:20Yeah, we're gonna have to!
28:21Ooh!
28:23Ah, there we go!
28:24Oh, my God!
28:26Oh, my God!
28:27Okay!
28:27It wasn't raining in the pictures!
28:29It's a different thing when it's raining.
28:31I think this is, like, why monks live in horrible places and do horrible things.
28:34Because you go to an extreme...
28:37Yeah.
28:37..and then you find peace.
28:38I think I loved it.
28:39Yeah.
28:40What a magical end to a zero-stars day.
28:44Hypothermia-induced delusion.
28:47In the morning, we take a stroll to a lovely beach in Vlora.
28:50Sort of missed the dog shit now, though.
28:52This is more like it.
28:53I mean, it's beautiful.
28:55I mean, it's not exactly the weather for it, but I'm English.
28:58I'll still get my bikini on.
29:00Oh, it's so nice.
29:02Yeah.
29:03I can imagine us here.
29:04Cup of tea.
29:05Some novels.
29:06I see who it is.
29:08Yeah, you'd be very pleased if you turned up here for your holiday, wouldn't you?
29:10I'd be very pleased.
29:11This is a well-reviewed place, I imagine.
29:13Yeah.
29:13That's just not our vibe.
29:16This is where the phrase that has been used a lot...
29:19Yeah.
29:19I'm going to let you say it.
29:20No, just like a hidden gem of Europe.
29:21Say what it is.
29:22Say a different phrase.
29:23Say a different phrase.
29:23You don't want to say it.
29:24Say the phrase.
29:25You don't want to say the Maldives of Europe.
29:26The Maldives of Europe has been said 45,000 times, and for once, it is relevant.
29:32It's really lovely.
29:32Yesterday, it was like, Albanian people are insane.
29:34They think this is the...
29:35Yeah, the Maldives are going to soon.
29:37And now, today we get it.
29:38Yeah.
29:38Maldives would...
29:39I think there would be a cease and desist.
29:43Yeah.
29:43Like when people are twin cities.
29:46We've twinned.
29:46We've twinned the Maldives.
29:48Yeah, I twinned with Cindy Crawford, and she's got a problem with that.
29:50She can get on to my lawyers.
29:54And it is sort of very lush and tropical.
29:56On a sunny day, it would be...
29:57Oh, heaven.
29:59Maybe it's only the Maldives of Europe if you go in the summer.
30:02Won't stop us, though.
30:03So, for our next big day out, we're reuniting with our old pal, Haral.
30:08Today, I will show you a piece of Albania.
30:11A real Albania.
30:12Very excited about this.
30:15Right.
30:16The real Albania?
30:17Where we been?
30:18Is this AI?
30:19Look at it.
30:20Bye, Flora.
30:22Yeah, that's enough nice speech for me, thanks.
30:26What was it like living in Albania when it was a communist country?
30:30Albania was a dictatorship.
30:32An isolated country in the heart of Europe, just as today is North Korea.
30:39To live in a country without freedom, it's not so easy to understand.
30:45But just to mention one example.
30:47You know, in the 90s or 91, when Albania was just in the first months of openness, came the jeans,
30:56the trousers of jeans.
30:58And I mean, it has been an experience for me to buy a pair of jeans in the 90s there.
31:04What jeans did you buy?
31:07They were not Levi's, I'm sure.
31:10Not Levi's.
31:11No.
31:12What were the first jeans you bought then?
31:14Mine weren't Levi's either because I got given like ÂŁ15 or something.
31:18Yeah.
31:18I went to Chapel Market and bought jeans that were stonewashed and too short.
31:21Yeah.
31:22My first jeans were probably from a supermarket, like George at Asda.
31:25Yeah.
31:26So we could be a gang full of people who didn't have Levi's.
31:28No.
31:29And actually, I still don't have any Levi's.
31:30No, I put a leather jacket though and I'm enjoying that.
31:34What is second hand?
31:35Yeah.
31:35So noble.
31:40So when did the tourism boom start in Albania?
31:442021.
31:46Oh.
31:47Just after the pandemic.
31:49So it's really recent then.
31:50Albania in a certain moment became a tick-tock phenomenon.
31:55Oh, nice.
31:56But where we're going now, this is sort of off the tourist trail.
31:59We are going to Elbasan and it is a city just in the middle of Albania.
32:05I have some friends there and I'm sure that they welcome us.
32:09We're getting there before the tick-tockers.
32:11Is that what you're telling us?
32:12OK, right.
32:13Some of the reviews, they were saying that this was Albania's answer to Chernobyl.
32:17That's the thing with reviewers.
32:19You really have to be hyperbolic, don't you, to make your point.
32:21I've sort of written a review like that for a pizza.
32:24I do not think that the reviews give you a reality of the place where you are going.
32:31Yes.
32:31So this is what I think the trip I'm trying to be like.
32:33OK, go to places that you wouldn't choose if you read the review.
32:37Yeah.
32:38But also try and find something in it.
32:40And that's how adventures happen, Roshi.
32:42It is how adventures happen.
32:43High five.
32:49We're in the Albanian countryside.
32:52Our driver, Haral, is taking us to meet some of his family friends so that we can experience the real
32:58Albania.
32:59Here we are.
33:01Will you get out?
33:05Wow.
33:07Oh, hello.
33:08Hello.
33:13I'm Roshin.
33:16I'm Roshin.
33:17I'm Roshin.
33:18I'm Roshin.
33:18I'm Roshin.
33:19Is Gutim?
33:20Guitim.
33:21What does it mean?
33:22Guitim is the name.
33:28Guitim, everyone.
33:29I thought you were saying David.
33:31Nice to meet you.
33:32David.
33:33Sorry.
33:34David.
33:35How do you say nice to meet you?
33:38Guitim.
33:38Guitim.
33:39Guitim.
33:44Guitim.
33:45Guitim.
33:45Guitim.
33:46Guitim.
33:46Guitim.
33:47Guitim.
33:48Guitim.
33:48Guitim.
33:49Oh, no.
33:50The social glue is gone.
33:51This is where you live?
33:53Yeah.
33:53I live here with my grandpa, grandma, my brother, mom and dad.
34:01So, do you like drinking anything?
34:03Oh, I love to drink things.
34:05Okay, so I'm going to tell my mom to bring you some special things that we do from our cow.
34:11I like cheese, but before it gets like cheese.
34:15Oh.
34:16Oh.
34:17Free cheese drink.
34:19Sometimes being a vegan, wepping that card out really does come in handy.
34:22Traveling is one of those times, like, oh, sorry, I can't have your gross drink.
34:26Have you got anything else?
34:27Big glass.
34:29What is it?
34:30Yogurt?
34:31Is it yogurt?
34:32It might be yogurt.
34:33It's yogurt.
34:33It's delicious.
34:34It's absolutely outrageous.
34:36Mwah.
34:37I think Roisin had a much better upbringing than me.
34:39She's got very good manners.
34:40She's very polite.
34:41She would have drunk anything.
34:43So, it starts like your traditional Greek yogurt and at the end you're dealing with
34:46the blue cheese.
34:47Yeah.
34:47So, your throat does go a little bit like, what is happening?
34:51Yeah.
34:52It's sort of like all of the dairy products in one glass.
34:54Oh, God.
34:56After downing the blue cheese drink, Romella took us on a tour of her family's farm.
35:00My absolute favourite.
35:02Fit animals everywhere.
35:04I'll kiss you.
35:05I'll kiss you.
35:05I'll kiss the big chicken.
35:06I'll kiss the little chicken.
35:07There's millions coming, Roisin.
35:09Oh, my God.
35:09I'm about to be bombarded with chicks.
35:11This is my dream.
35:13They're so beautiful.
35:14This is the best thing that's happened in Albania.
35:16Hello.
35:17Hello sheep.
35:18Yay.
35:19Hey.
35:20Hello.
35:22They do all swallow each other, don't they?
35:24Yeah.
35:25They never leave each other behind.
35:27Do you use the sheeps for milk as well or for wool?
35:31No, it's not.
35:32The wool?
35:33Yeah.
35:34Maybe for wool.
35:35Yeah.
35:36Not.
35:36But we use them for, like, when there are, like, a...
35:47Do you eat them?
35:49Yeah, I eat them.
35:49OK, right, yeah.
35:50You were skirting round it, wasn't you?
35:52I love this eating from the tree.
35:54I've never seen anything like it.
35:55No, it's great stuff.
35:56Wait, wait, he's going to do it again.
35:57He's all finished.
35:58Get ready.
35:58Yay!
35:59I love it.
36:04You're really in the countryside, aren't you, here?
36:06Yeah, it's very smelly.
36:08Woo-hoo!
36:09There she is.
36:11Oh, I think I just...
36:12I thought it was a rocket.
36:13It's a massive shit.
36:15I don't know.
36:16I don't know.
36:17It's a cat.
36:18It's a cat.
36:20It's a cat.
36:22From one hardship to another,
36:24we were put to work picking cherries from the family's cherry orchard.
36:28Here, we are going to get the cherries.
36:31Oh, my God.
36:33These are so good.
36:34We could help them picking, but we are just...
36:35We've just come up from now.
36:36We're just getting served.
36:37Oh, she got the earrings, though.
36:38Yeah.
36:39I was with an ex-boyfriend years ago,
36:41and we all planted trees.
36:43Yeah.
36:43Ours was a cherry tree.
36:44We came back a year later,
36:46and everyone else's,
36:47all the couple's trees were blooming,
36:48and ours was rotten,
36:50and we broke up on the way home.
36:51Sort of a bit triggering, actually.
36:54Do you know what I'm going to do?
36:55How I'm going to pick the cherries, Romella?
36:56I'm going to pick it like the sheep.
36:58Oh!
36:59Yeah, on two legs!
37:00Go!
37:00Go!
37:05That was good fun.
37:06I see why the sheep are into it.
37:07Can you eat them like the sheep?
37:09I can't.
37:10Like the sheep.
37:11Yeah.
37:12Romella, how old are you?
37:13Ten.
37:14This ten-year-old's got far more dignity than we are.
37:17How do I tell your granddad these are beautiful?
37:24Do you think my Albanian is good?
37:27Yeah.
37:28A little bit.
37:29Okay.
37:29You're very good at lots of things,
37:30but not lying.
37:31Yeah.
37:32I know.
37:35So, would you guys like to hear an Albanian song about cherries?
37:39Oh, yes, please.
37:41Since you are in the territory.
37:42More than anything.
37:43Can I join the band?
37:44Okay.
37:45I don't know if you've got the footage,
37:46but I know Albanian now.
37:48Okay.
37:59That was very good.
38:01Some of you were really good.
38:03Listen, once a blogger, always a blogger.
38:05You think I'm not going to pretend to know the words?
38:07Every concert I've ever gone to,
38:08I've had to pretend to know the words.
38:09I think I'm going to open a YouTube channel soon.
38:12You're going to open a YouTube channel?
38:13Yeah, for singing.
38:14You should.
38:14You've got a beautiful voice.
38:16I'm going to sing my song.
38:17Never read the comments, is my advice.
38:19Yeah.
38:19I don't care about the haters.
38:21No.
38:22I don't care about the haters.
38:22I only care about the fans.
38:24This experience, and I'm so relieved to say,
38:27is five stars.
38:28The weather's terrible.
38:29This is a shit day.
38:31And we're having the time of our lives.
38:33When people invite you into their home,
38:35and they've got a real love of Albania,
38:37and they want you to love it,
38:38you really feel that, and that's really sweet.
38:40Thank you so much for today.
38:43It's my pleasure to meet you, too.
38:45My pleasure to meet you.
38:45Here's a little present for you.
38:47Oh, thank you so much.
38:49Yours is much, much, much bigger.
38:51Yeah.
38:51They know what they're doing.
38:54So goodbye.
38:55Bye-bye.
38:56Bye, thank you.
38:57We headed back to Tirana, jammed up and looking for trouble.
39:00And by that, I mean a traditional three-course meal,
39:03if you catch my drift.
39:04Now, this is where we get our little treat.
39:06It's a celebration for all of our hard work.
39:08Exactly, bebe.
39:14Can I pass you a vine leaf?
39:15Oh, yes, please.
39:16This is a lamb's head.
39:17Oh, okay.
39:18It's often the traditional wooden stock.
39:20A lamb's head?
39:21A lamb's head, yes.
39:22This is the meatballs, and this is the lamb's intestines.
39:25It's much harder when you've just spent the day
39:26watching a sheep eating from a...
39:28You can't think about that now.
39:30Okay.
39:31I'm going to go in and put one of these intestines.
39:35You can look away.
39:36I can't take it.
39:36I can't, I can't.
39:37Honestly, this is as close as we're going to get to it.
39:39I'm a celebrity.
39:39Get me out of here.
39:40Okay.
39:44Would you like a nice glass of lumpy yoghurt to wash it down?
39:51This is the final dish.
39:53It's chicken.
39:54Just a normal dish.
39:55Just chicken.
39:56Just chicken.
39:58Thank you very much.
40:01People come here expecting the Maldives of Europe.
40:04And I think there's a much more interesting story going on with Albania
40:07that isn't a tagline.
40:09It's beautiful.
40:10And the Albanians themselves are wonderful people.
40:13My trip in Albania has been an adventure.
40:17I saw some wonderful bits.
40:18It's like nothing else.
40:20I'm proud of myself for trying lots of new things.
40:23Boat rides in the rain.
40:26Eating intestines and simulated manslaughter.
40:29I'm an absolute killer.
40:31And I tried my first ever jacuzzi with a pube in it.
40:34I'm getting out.
40:35Found out I'm a ninja and I learned to dine like an Albanian sheep.
40:40Take that the Maldives.
40:42Romella said to ignore the haters and only listen to the fans.
40:45We think Albania should heed her advice.
40:48When other things are provided, dustbins,
40:51I think people are going to absolutely love it here.
40:54But bring a really good friend with you.
40:58And I did not ŃĐ°ĐŒĐŸ vib to you.
41:09So happy that you don't have to be ready.
41:10You're good, sir.
41:11I shared a little bit of a GB- gun on Mark Tischengeri.
41:11I'm glad you're happy to be here because Pete has made up this in oil
41:11You're alive.
41:12I love you.
41:12I love you too.
41:13You're it.
41:15Come on, Mark Tischengeri.
41:15I love you too.
41:15I love you too.
41:18You're awesome.
41:19I love you too.
41:19I love you too.
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