- 5 months ago
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00:00We'll let her dance to them all night long
00:10Let her dance to our favorite songs
00:13Let her dance to them, let her dance all night long
00:18Let her dance, let her dance, let her dance, let her dance
00:30How you doing? You alright? What do you do?
00:42I work as a PA in Tunnocks
00:44You work as a PA in Tunnocks?
00:47The tea cake manufacturers
00:49They have a lot of important meetings to be scheduled there, don't they?
00:54It's the people who bring the foam
00:56Wow, what sort of meetings have they had this week at Tunnocks?
01:03They're on strike
01:04They're on strike?
01:09Fantastic
01:10There's more strikes in this country, to be honest
01:12I like those French workers that kidnapped their boss in an adhesive factory
01:16They didn't even use adhesive to keep him there, the dozy bastards
01:19They tied him up
01:21It's like having a job in a mortuary and going home to make love to your wife
01:26What are you doing, man?
01:31Not everyone that can get away with lilac in Glasgow
01:34How are you doing, man? What do you do?
01:38Sales
01:38Sales? What are you selling? Come on, sell it to me, man
01:41Food
01:41Food?
01:44That's how the recession's gone
01:45People have got kind of basic all of a sudden, haven't they?
01:48Hey, do you want to buy some food?
01:51What sort of food are you selling, man?
01:53We might be interested
01:54You don't know
01:55If you don't know, we're both fucked, right?
01:58You've got to know
01:59What is it?
02:00Everything
02:01Everything
02:01Everything?
02:03What are you selling?
02:04Who do you sell it to?
02:07Anybody shop
02:07This isn't really what you do
02:08You're pure lying to me, aren't you?
02:11What is it with this elaborate cover story, pal?
02:13Are you John Venables?
02:24We've got David Cameron in his Prime Minister now
02:26A wet-lipped buffoon who looks like he should be playing a trombone in a fucking Lurpak advert
02:31Nobody voted for this cut's agenda, did they?
02:42You'll have gone into a school on election day
02:44You'll have cast your vote
02:45You'll get punished for that decision for another four years
02:47You'd have got a shorter sentence
02:49If you'd gone into the same school
02:51And beaten a kid over the head with a fucking dumbbell
02:53He sacked that guy
02:56Can you believe that?
02:57You can't hold a kid down and beat him in the head with a dumbbell shouting
03:01Die, die, die anymore
03:02It's political correctness going mad
03:06Nick Clegg now has power
03:10A guy who looks like he shouts out sorry when he comes
03:12He's like the sort of guy who'd leave a stag party early
03:17Because he didn't want to miss Holby City
03:19He's worried about the recession
03:22I like the new advert for the Halifax
03:24It's just Howard hanging himself in a bathroom
03:26Apparently there's a scheme now to fast-track bankers
03:32Who are out of work into teaching
03:33Imagine that teacher a banker's going to make
03:35Okay, I have no apples
03:37And you have 40 apples
03:39Give me all the apples
03:41Hello Robin, welcome to your nine-month work appraisal
03:48There's the question of the time I found you beating a prostitute in the Batmobile
03:52What were you hoping to get out of her?
03:54Value for money!
03:56I've been helping you spread fear in the community
03:59I told everybody you got AIDS
04:01Some days I think you sent somebody else in to work for you
04:05What man, come on
04:07Can't a guy get fat and black twice a week anymore?
04:10Don't ask me about any shit Batman
04:12I lost my memory
04:13In the questionnaire I asked you to fill out
04:18You said that the moment that gave you most satisfaction
04:21Was the time you used stolen Wayne technology to swap bodies with the Joker
04:26And achieve your long-time ambition of fucking yourself
04:31He ain't smiling anymore, baby
04:33It's a question of your fighting performance
04:36Well, I just get into the spirit of it
04:39Kapow, kapow, kapow, kapow, kapow!
04:43Kapow!
04:44Kapow!
04:45Kapow!
04:46Kapow!
04:47Kapow, baby, kapow!
04:49Kapow!
04:50Kapow!
04:51Kapow!
04:52Kapow!
04:53Kapow!
04:54Kapow!
04:55If I had to summarize your fighting style
04:57I'd say that you turn up late
04:59Don't know what's going on
05:01And kill everybody
05:03Of course I act out, father fucker
05:05You used me as a human target
05:07You go out, you're dressed in a black bulletproof vest
05:10All I gotta wear
05:11These little green panties
05:13Look what happened to all the other Robins
05:15I'm 34 years old, Batman
05:18And I'm your ward
05:19What the fuck is a ward?
05:22Fuck me or let me go
05:24Fuck me or let me go, Batman
05:26That one at the end, that's for me, right?
05:28No, that's where I imprison you during heroin withdrawal
05:32There's a question of improper use of a utility belt
05:36When I'm hanging upside down over a shark tank
05:39And I ask for help
05:40I do not expect you to throw me poppers
05:43But I got us out of it
05:45You know how?
05:47Because it may have nothing inside it
05:48But tatler old pornography
05:50But the belt itself
05:51Is made from pure PCP
05:54I'm out of here
05:59On my invisible motorcycle
06:01There better not be any crime on the moon
06:10Cotsuckers
06:11All this TPP
06:13This is some weak ass shit
06:16A lot of people think that movie piracy
06:23Is like necrophilia
06:24A victimless crime
06:26I watched that scene in The Accused the other night
06:30Where Jodie Foster gets gang raped
06:33On a pinball table
06:34And I cried
06:35Some bastard had beaten my high score
06:39With his balls
06:40I still came
06:42But I didn't enjoy it
06:43Hey Marie
06:47Hey
06:48Hey, how you doing?
06:50Good
06:50Hey, have you still got those photos
06:53Of that pet chimp of yours?
06:55Everyone says they're very amusing
06:56Oh, we were so drunk
06:58We dressed him up in some of my clothes
07:00Wow
07:01That's
07:02Funny
07:04He looks
07:08Hilarious
07:10I'd love to meet this little fella
07:13Look at him there
07:16In those fishnets
07:17Is he winking at me
07:20Or
07:20Am I imagining that?
07:24That's how A's got started
07:26Yeah
07:27That's how Bo's got A's
07:29So Glasgow's got the Commonwealth Games
07:45Good to see Dele setting the bar nice and low for us
07:47What a relief that is
07:50Commonwealth, of course, was the old British Empire
07:55Commonwealth Games
07:56Was originally called
07:57The Empire Games
07:58Basically
07:59It started out as a huge slave race
08:01William
08:02I think my niggers are quicker than yours
08:04It's ironic that they start those races with a gunshot
08:08Because that's how they used to finish
08:09We should stop all this boosterism for Scotland
08:14Just admit it's a shit place
08:15It's a rubbish place
08:17There's a reason the Romans came across the world
08:20Conquering and civilising
08:21Conquering and civilising
08:22Conquering and civilising
08:23Got to Scotland and said
08:24Eh, build a wall
08:26How'd you get a lassie from Dundee pregnant?
08:31Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work
08:33You've been to a Scottish beach recently
08:43Rubbish everywhere
08:44Shit all over the place
08:45Condoms
08:46It's like taking a holiday in Amy Winehouse's muff
08:49Winehouse looks filthy now, doesn't she?
08:53I reckon Aids is worried about catching her
08:55Apparently Pete Docherty's moving in
09:00What are they going to share a flat?
09:02It's like a sitcom or something
09:03I've thought of a few prospective sitcom titles for them
09:07Both feet in the grave
09:09Only fool and horse
09:11Or my favourite
09:13Hello, hello
09:14Hello
09:15Can neither of you hear me?
09:16Christ Sarge
09:17Call an ambulance
09:18This one isn't breathing
09:19Ever wondered how life will be hundreds of years from now?
09:25The McMenemy family agreed to spend a year of their life living in the year 2050
09:30Mr. McMenemy doesn't have to go to work anymore
09:32The office comes to him
09:34Leaving him more time for hobbies
09:39Like tennis
09:40Like tennis
09:40And golf
09:43The McMenemy children will be educated at home by their own future selves
09:51If you don't do a clinical surgery, like a Chinese person, you'll be able to kill them
09:56Like a Chinese person
09:59Medication and philosophical advances will mean that we no longer experience negative emotions
10:07I haven't seen you in a while, Bill
10:09That's because you raped me, Fred
10:12Only because you raped me
10:14I'm going to do it again
10:37Oops, what's happened here?
10:44Looks like everyone's been shot dead on the doorstep
10:46For trying to go out without their identity hats
10:49Hey, you look like you dropped a few pounds
10:56You look great, Bill
10:57Thanks
10:58You must be feeling pretty good, right?
11:00No, not at all
11:02That's how people notice that they got AIDS
11:05That's how they notice that they got AIDS
11:08That's how people notice that they got AIDS, y'all
11:12AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, oh yeah, AIDS
11:16Batman, you can't make her Robin
11:18I'm still Robin, Batman
11:20She's just a fucking imposter, Batman
11:23I'm still the boy, Wonder
11:27Little Batman, I can put my hand this time on
11:29Starbuck!
11:34Like a super fact in Batman
11:36Okay
11:38Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
11:40Baby, can you let that kill?
11:42Baby, come on
11:43One, two
11:44Three
11:45Na, na, na, na
11:46I think it's important for women
11:59Don't let men tell you what's sexy
12:00Because men don't know, do they?
12:02Bellybutton piercings aren't sexy
12:04Men just think they are because it reminds them of the staple in a porno mag
12:08Stuff men say, you know
12:13I don't like it when women wear their big period knickers
12:16Big grey knickers when they've got their period
12:18You want them to wear sexy knickers when they've got their period
12:21How about hanging bunting in an abattoir?
12:27And while we're at it, for crotchless knickers you really need the right sort of vagina
12:31The wrong sort of vagina and crotchless knickers looks like a cannibal's Christmas decoration
12:36Let's get rid of Brazilians as well
12:42What was wrong with those big 1970s hairy bushes?
12:44Women who looked like they were giving birth to Emmanuel Adebayor
12:48The tragedy of male sexuality is that we should be attracted to strong, confident women
12:56That would make us happier
12:58And instead we know that broken, disillusioned women are going to be dirtier in bed
13:03If you get on a first date with someone and they're going, I had a great relationship with my father
13:07Inside you're going, damn
13:09My stepfather on the other hand, back in the game!
13:15If you get a date with Elizabeth Fritzel, you're fucking that night
13:18You could spice it up by in the middle going, who's your daddy?
13:31Remember Benny Hill getting chased about?
13:34Everything sounds a lot funnier with the Benny Hill music, doesn't it?
13:37He could have got away with a lot more heinous shit
13:43Can I give you a hand?
13:57I'm waiting for the bus
13:58No, it's this way, it's great, there's no trouble at all
14:00Okay, bye-bye
14:01You're looking for your missus?
14:07She's on the bus
14:07There you go
14:11Bye-bye
14:20Oh, begging your pardon, mate
14:27Oh, it's a nice tattoo
14:28The wild boys are calling
14:40On their way back from the fire
14:44Fuck
14:48Fuck
14:57The power of Christ compels you
14:59The power of Christ compels you
15:02The power of Christ compels you
15:06Rawr!
15:08Rawr!
15:10Rawr!
15:12Rawr!
15:13Rawr!
15:14Rawr!
15:15Rawr!
15:16Rawr!
15:17Rawr!
15:18Rawr!
15:19Rawr!
15:20Rawr!
15:21Rawr!
15:22Rawr!
15:23Rawr!
15:24Rawr!
15:25Rawr!
15:26Rawr!
15:26You got silence for a welcome
15:50There's bloodstain for your pain
15:54And your telephone ring for you
15:59While you're dancing in the rain
16:02Sorry, I just...
16:04I'm always wondering where is glory
16:08Where is all you angels
16:15And who was born with arrows
16:19Or secrets they have
16:24They tried to tame you
16:28Looks like they're alive
16:32And who's born with angels
16:36And who's born with angels
16:38And who's born with angels
16:40And who's born with angels
16:42And who's born with angels
16:44And who's born with angels
16:47And who's born with angels
16:49And who's born with angels
16:51And who's born with angels
16:53And who's born with angels
16:54And who's born with angels
16:55And who's born with angels
16:57And who's born with angels
16:58And who's born with angels
16:59And who's born with angels
17:00And who's born with angels
17:01And who's born with angels
17:02And who's born with angels
17:03And who's born with angels
17:04And who's born with angels
17:05Man, I hate the way the boys are always touring with the band.
17:23I hear you, sister.
17:25Who wrote this dialogue?
17:27Is it two white guys or something?
17:29Who wrote it?
17:29I think they're trying to do our bosses.
17:32Oh, sure.
17:32Yeah, man.
17:33Anyway, they're on the road so much.
17:35It's like we might as well not be married at all.
17:38We might as well be on the game.
17:39At least we get late some of the time.
17:41In fact, you got a point.
17:43We're all still looking good.
17:44Maybe we could make a few dollars.
17:46That's how we got eights.
17:49That's how we got eights.
17:52That's how we got eights.
17:56Eight, eights.
17:57Eight, eights.
17:57Eight, eights.
18:00And that is how I would slaughter you all individually.
18:05Now, what did we learn from tonight's episode?
18:09We learned that steak and cheese in the black woman's ass is called an ass taco.
18:15I realize I may have offended some people with that line, but to be honest with you, salad just won't do.
18:21It has to be steak every time.
18:25Now, I said, what goes around comes around.
18:28And later that day, my wife gave me chlamydia.
18:31But you know, in the future, people will watch this show and say to themselves,
18:37Well, good afternoon, everybody.
18:51Today's talk is on Muslim fundamentalism, and I'm proud to welcome a very special guest speaker, my coffee mug.
19:03Now, I know a lot of you kids are thinking, what the freak does a coffee mug know about fundamentalist Islam?
19:20Well, I spent three years working undercover in a training camp in the Pashtun Mountains.
19:24I know they're Muslim, but technically, what Hamad was doing was gay.
19:30Initially, I was sent in undercover as a Cat Stevens mug, which shows you how out of date our intelligence was.
19:37Al-Qaeda hate Cat Stevens.
19:39They also hate Usher, but that is a long fucking story.
19:45Cover is key.
19:46I got a lot of callers in the 80s selling crack in L.A. as a Bill Cosby mug.
19:50I got snuck out and came back in as an orb mug.
19:54The whole fucking Muslim world loves the orb.
19:57Al Jazeera is only about 50 minutes a day of actual news.
20:00The rest of it is just orb promos.
20:02Even the news is presented by the guys from the orb, speaking at 70 words a minute.
20:07People had so few possessions in that camp that by the end, I'd been given to everybody there as a birthday present.
20:13Which surprised me, because Muslims don't have birthdays.
20:16Or drink coffee.
20:17Al-Qaeda hates sexually arousing images, so they spent pretty much every night in camp watching British pornography.
20:27Jesus.
20:28You can see why Jack the Ripper killed those British bitches.
20:31He probably forked out for sex and then taken them somewhere with enough light to make out their faces.
20:37It would have been easier to get an erection sharing an ice bath with my mother.
20:43One mug.
20:44Of course, I knew the dangers.
20:49We all know what can happen if your cover gets compromised.
20:54Ah, Sadie.
20:56Between her crack and my cock, we had a crock of gold.
21:02Ian!
21:03Hey!
21:04How's your acid and sleep deprivation experiment going?
21:07Say, is this going to take long?
21:13Relax.
21:14Really, the consultant won't be long now.
21:16He really is one of our best doctors.
21:19Cool.
21:19It'll hardly take any time at all.
21:21And then we'll blank your mind so thoroughly, you won't even know who you are and we'll put you straight back into your car.
21:28Okay.
21:28Poppers.
21:44Come on, don't be a pussy.
21:47One in the mouth.
21:48One in the mouth.
22:18Two in the mouth.
22:24Well, there she goes with a brand new love affair.
22:27Dancing with him like she don't even care.
22:30Let her dance, let her dance, let her dance all night.
22:34Let her dance, let her dance, dance, dance.
22:37Well, who'd have known that just yesterday, hey, she danced with me the very same way we did.
22:48You
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