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Hacks Season 5 Episode 2
Transcript
00:00Growl! Growl!
00:03Here I am in this city with all this bullet dollars
00:08And baby, you better believe I'm back back here in New York
00:16I'm back!
00:16We come bearing gifts!
00:18Oh, wow, I see that!
00:19Hi, pretty!
00:24Oh, look at that! Look at that view!
00:26That's gorgeous.
00:31You know, I can't accept bribes.
00:32Bribes?
00:33I don't see bribes.
00:34Oh, no, this is...
00:35I just have a blood sugar.
00:36I want a guy who's a roast.
00:37I want a guy who's a roast.
00:38Yes.
00:40Well, I heard that you were, understandably, less than pleased
00:43that I announced I was doing a show at your esteemed venue
00:47before I had actually booked it,
00:48and I just wanted to come in person and apologize and say,
00:51I cannot wait to work together.
00:52You're right.
00:53I was very pissed off,
00:55because that is not how things work around here.
00:57No.
00:58I'm sorry.
00:59And if you would come to me,
01:00I would have told you that I don't think you're right for MSG.
01:03I think you're right for Radio City.
01:06I think you're right for Webster Hall.
01:08Ha! I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall.
01:11Oh, okay.
01:12I can tell you're a whole deal.
01:14She is.
01:15But we do feel very strongly that the garden is the best venue
01:18for someone of Deborah's stature.
01:19Okay.
01:20The talk show was great,
01:22but you don't have the cops.
01:24You haven't toured in years.
01:25You barely have any social media presence.
01:27It's just, it's too much of a gamble.
01:29I will sell out.
01:32And even if I don't, what does it matter to you?
01:34I mean, we will front the rental costs.
01:35You'll be off the hook.
01:36It's not just about the money.
01:37If you are playing MSG,
01:39you are the center of cultural conversation.
01:42I mean, our venue is a major part of New York City's history.
01:44We can't just let anyone perform here.
01:47I'm sorry.
01:47Isn't there a live true crime podcast playing tonight?
01:50Murder, My Stupid Ass, Please has over 90 million monthly listeners.
01:53It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America.
01:56They swayed the presidential election.
01:59You know, I think you might be underestimating Deborah's fans
02:01because they are a rabbit.
02:02They abducted me once.
02:03I got free, but I didn't call the cops
02:05because they are so sweet.
02:08My point is, they're enthusiastic,
02:09and these tickets are going to sell.
02:11I just don't see it.
02:12This won't be just a stand-up show.
02:13This will be historic.
02:15I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me
02:18and speaking truth to power.
02:19This is bigger than just me.
02:21I'm sorry, Deborah.
02:23I'm so sorry.
02:24I should not have wasted your time
02:26with this petty, gifting business.
02:31Head of two shares of Berkshire Hathaway Class A stocks, huh?
02:33Thank you so much for coming by.
02:35Absolutely, thanks.
02:36We'll leave these with your assistant.
02:37Thanks for your time.
02:39Have a nice day, I guess.
02:43That MSG booker is dumb,
02:45and her leather jacket was stupid.
02:46No, it was a full-grain leather
02:47and a sophisticated cup.
02:49Fine, she's rich, cool, and ruining our lives.
02:51Look, we just need to reignite the base.
02:53The Little Deppies would help me with anything.
02:55You remember in 93?
02:56They started that hunger strike
02:57so I could get reinstated
02:58at the spokesperson for Snackwells?
03:00Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website
03:01the day your casual duster's dropped?
03:03Yeah, exactly.
03:04What about that autograph convention in Vegas you passed on?
03:06The Little Deppies will love that.
03:07You're a genius!
03:09All right, we get my biggest fans together in one place,
03:11I shower them with love and affection,
03:12and then we ask them to organize
03:14a grassroots movement
03:15to get me Madison Square Garden!
03:17When is it?
03:18Three weeks, the 21st.
03:19That's Ada's birthday.
03:21It's fine.
03:21Are there any other options?
03:22No.
03:22No, no, no.
03:23Honestly, I don't care about me or say.
03:24I really don't.
03:27You have to at least take the day off.
03:29And hang out with who?
03:30I only have one friend, remember?
03:32What are you talking about?
03:34Remember the last night in Singapore
03:35you said it was weird you were my only friend?
03:38You probably don't remember.
03:39You're pretty drunk, girl.
03:40It's fine.
03:41Don't worry, I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts
03:43by letting a drunk person's insults affect me.
03:46Seriously, you should do it.
03:48So should I book it or...?
03:50Yeah.
03:51Yeah.
03:51Here, Jimmy, get the shot.
03:57Perfect!
03:58What?
03:58That's what we've been waiting for?
04:00Yeah.
04:00Brick on his head.
04:01God!
04:01I need a show.
04:02I need money, honey.
04:03I'm looking for my baby
04:06Been searching for a long, long time
04:09I got to find my baby
04:13Got to get this building off my mind
04:17You need to hurt us so bad
04:20Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien.
04:23So we've talked to the organizers
04:24slipped him a hundo
04:25and guess what?
04:25They moved Heather Locklear
04:26to the other side of the building
04:27Good.
04:29She's still my exact shade of blonde in 98
04:30And look, I know you want to be out by three
04:32so I'm going to talk to Billy Baldwin
04:33and see if he'll give you his time slot
04:34in the photo studio
04:35Perfect, yeah.
04:36I don't want to be here too late
04:36Okay.
04:37I'm going to head to the table
04:38All right.
04:38See you over there
04:41And you...
04:41Happy birthday, birthday girl
04:43Thank you
04:44Oh, thanks
04:45I know we normally get you a gift
04:46but we are a little low on funds this year
04:48I'm sorry about that
04:48Don't even worry about it
04:49Oh my God
04:50I finished your mall girl script last night, Ava
04:52It is so good
04:54Yeah, I laughed, I cried
04:56It's like, it's emotional and cinematic
04:57It's really special
04:58and I can't wait to send it to you
04:59Oh my God, amazing
05:00Thank you
05:01I'm proud of you
05:01Oh, coffee birthday girl
05:04Wow, this is a really fancy tray
05:06Had it custom made
05:08Heaters built in, USB charging, patent pending
05:11You're a really good assistant
05:13You know, in Hollywood
05:14it's not about good or bad
05:16It's about power
05:17Nice watch
05:23Oh, honey
05:24I would love to sign this
05:25but I can't legally
05:26Oh my God
05:31There they are
05:32They're probably thumbing at the mouth
05:34Hey, my little demmies
05:40Hi
05:44Hello
05:47Oh, wow
05:48The DV Industries Swiss Army Knife
05:50It's got it all
05:50It's got the tweezers
05:51It's got the brow spoolie
05:53And, come on
05:54Who could ask for more than that?
05:56Very rare item
05:57Actually, it's widely available on the internet
05:59Which you'd know if you were still active on the DV message boards
06:02Um, how would you, how would you like to use your name?
06:04Just your name, please
06:10It's great to see you
06:13Hey
06:14How's it going?
06:15Oddly, I see
06:17Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob on the boat in season 3
06:20So I'm feeling starstruck and amazing
06:21One autograph
06:22Hi there
06:23Hi
06:25Hi
06:25Oh, hey
06:26Sorry, uh, I think the line starts back there
06:28Oh, no
06:29I'm actually here for you
06:30I am a huge fan
06:32Of, of, of me
06:34Yeah
06:34I was obsessed with Girl Town
06:36And you always wrote the best episodes
06:37Oh, my God
06:39I left college for that job
06:40I know
06:41And then I followed you on Twitter
06:43Even now, I'll just randomly look up your old tweets sometimes
06:46Oh, no, don't do that
06:47Anyway, then I saw my bad because I heard that you'd worked on it
06:52Yeah
06:52I'd never even seen Deborah before
06:54I mean, it's kind of crazy how you've changed the whole trajectory of her career
06:59She's mad lucky to have you
07:01Wish you said that a little louder, but thank you
07:03Will you sign your Times Magazine cover?
07:07I
07:08Yes, I, I've never, never signed anything for anyone before
07:12Wow, this is amazing
07:13I really now understand why parasocial relationships are replacing real ones
07:18But seriously, thank you for all that you contribute to society
07:23Anytime
07:27I'll catch you around
07:29Yeah, I'll be around all day
07:30Cooley
07:33Cooley
07:33Cooley
07:34I can't tell you
07:35I'm sorry
07:36It's on me, thank you
07:37Thanks, thanks for coming
07:39Take care
07:40Oh, Ezekiel
07:41Nice to see a familiar face
07:43What can I sign for you?
07:44I've actually signed something for you
07:45It's my resignation letter
07:47As president of the Debra Vance fan club Southwest Branch
07:50Is he, you, you've been a pillar of the Little Debbie community for years
07:53I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion into her base
07:56So I am taking my talents elsewhere
07:59Okay, okay, what, what is going on?
08:01What is the problem?
08:02The problem is that you went Hollywood
08:05I did not go Hollywood
08:07Yes, you did
08:08You haven't sent out Debra's do's and don'ts in almost two years
08:11I don't know what to do and what not to do
08:13Sometimes I just sit in the dark
08:14Yeah
08:15You discontinued your car insurance plan
08:18And now I'm uninsured
08:20Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance
08:22And you discontinued the Debra Vance red light mask
08:25I liked the burns
08:26It eventually turned to tan
08:27You won't admit you're a lizard
08:32Hey, get into a single file line
08:34Or you will be tased
08:35Do not fuck with me
08:40You should address the lizard thing
08:42It's not gaining traction
08:45Who's next?
08:46And you really don't mind switching with Debra?
08:47Oh, no, no, no, not at all
08:48That rant she did against Lipka?
08:50Gold, legend
08:52As a friggin' animal
08:53Tell me about it
08:54Plus, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party
08:56I never go
08:57But, uh, the invite's always nice
08:59Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, ma'am
09:00We appreciate you
09:02Never too big, Jimmy
09:03Never too big
09:04My man, all right
09:06Okay, now that's a guy I could be friends with
09:08I love him
09:09Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss
09:10Because I do not want to see you fall prey to the male lonely in this epidemic
09:13No
09:14I know, it's terrible, my Uncle Morty shot himself in the head
09:17It's Renee O'Connor
09:18Of course
09:19Who's that?
09:20From Xena Warrior Princess, the show
09:21The show on the WB
09:22Oh, TV show
09:24Yeah
09:24I haven't made it to TV yet
09:25I'm still making it through all the movies
09:28She's Xena
09:28No, that's Gabrielle
09:29That's Xena's battle partner
09:31Her confidant
09:31She's a traveling bard
09:33Well, you gotta go say hi
09:34Hell no
09:34I would be so nervous
09:35I would faint
09:36No, I couldn't
09:37I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times
09:38I even still have a recurring dream
09:40That I'm helping Xena save Prometheus
09:41So that humans don't lose their capacity for healing and fire
09:43Jimmy, you're meeting her
09:45You'll regret it if you don't
09:46You think?
09:47I know so
09:48Okay
09:49Okay, God, I wish I had a beta blocker
09:50All right, let's go
09:52Woo!
09:53So, are you working on anything else other than writing for Debra?
09:56Yeah
09:57Yeah, I actually just wrote a movie about a girl who lives at the mall
10:00Oh, such a good idea
10:01Got my tickets, I am so rosat
10:04You are so sweet
10:05Shit, wait, this is just occurring to me
10:07Are you going to have to leave Debra?
10:09No, no
10:10I mean, especially not after what she did for me at late night
10:12Hmm
10:13Um, so, what's your, like, dream?
10:18You know, I've always wanted to create my own show
10:20I was voted, uh, most likely to showrun my high school yearbook
10:25I mean, I did create the superlative, but still
10:27Really hope this isn't weird that I know this
10:29But, um, it's your birthday today, right?
10:32Yes
10:33Yes, it is
10:34And you're turning 30, right?
10:36Yeah
10:36Poof, pretty big milestone
10:39Are you, like, freaking out about where you're at in your life?
10:42No, not, I mean, no, not really
10:44I don't think
10:45Should I?
10:45No
10:46No, I'm not
10:47Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday
10:50Like a cupcake or...
10:51You don't have to
10:52But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing
10:55Or if they have vanilla cake, I still would want chocolate icing
10:58But if unfetti's in the mix, of course, I'd have
11:00They just have corn muffins
11:01Perfect
11:02It's your day
11:05Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden and up for us with New Hampshire?
11:08I mean, we're important, too
11:09We built a revolutionary war fleet
11:11And we so appreciate that
11:13You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call
11:15Now, how are we supposed to sync up on micro-thane?
11:18You never published another book of debokus
11:20And the regular sudokus are just too hard
11:23I'm mad you love QVC
11:24And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier
11:27Work it out
11:28I miss Marcus
11:29Damien never sends us locks of your hair
11:33You didn't endorse a candidate in the presidential election
11:36So I didn't vote
11:38And now my kids won't talk to me
11:40I sent you two suspicious packages
11:41And didn't even receive a cease and desist letter
11:43You used to care
11:44Okay, that's it
11:45I need a break
11:46Ten-minute break
11:50These people are impossible to please
11:52I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them every single moment of my life
11:55Think of it this way
11:56Today, you are being paid to be LDAP
11:58For some people, that's a kink
12:00Oh, yeah, this is classic Abby, yeah
12:04Oh, she looks the exact same
12:07Did you know it was actually the fans that saw Xena as a guest character on Hercules
12:10And they were so enthusiastic
12:11That they actually helped get the spin-off series made?
12:13Grassroots movements are always so inspiring
12:16That is, until they turn bloodthirsty
12:18Next
12:19Here we go, here we go
12:20We paid?
12:22I'm Renee
12:22I'm Renee
12:23I'm your Renee
12:23I'm Renee
12:24You're Renee
12:24I'm Renee
12:25I'm Jimmy
12:26You're Jimmy
12:26I am so starstruck
12:27I'm so sorry
12:28This is weird because, um
12:29So, okay, I'm a manager in L.A.
12:30So I never get starstruck
12:32But I think that you are such a talent
12:33And the series meant so much to me
12:35I was so lucky to be a part of that world
12:37Have you ever thought about doing a re-watch podcast?
12:39You know, they're really big right now
12:40Where you go through old episodes and discuss them
12:42I don't think enough people want to hear me talk about that
12:44Girl, shut up!
12:45We love the show
12:46We've watched it all
12:47People would love that content
12:49Like, the Hope storyline, you know?
12:50When did you realize your daughter was going to be evil?
12:52Was it from the beginning or did it slowly dawn on you?
12:54Well, her father was a wicked demigod
12:56So it kind of tipped it off for me
12:57Right
12:58Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual?
13:00I was like, that's going to come back
13:01Yeah, it did
13:01Yeah
13:02Do you mind if we get a photo?
13:04Of course
13:05I'm sorry, I'm sweating
13:08Ah, smile big!
13:10Bigger!
13:11Ah, Judy!
13:12Not that big, not that big
13:13Split the difference, split the difference
13:15Yeah, if you just start over and get all new fans
13:16I mean, there are people born every day, right?
13:18I gotta tell you
13:19I mean, as someone who just got their first fan
13:21You really need to cherish these
13:22It's been 12 minutes and I said time
13:23Oh!
13:25Okay, hey
13:25Just try to keep it together
13:27Right?
13:28No promises
13:31Hello
13:32How can I do better for you?
13:34Oh, no
13:34I just wanted to say thank you
13:37Oh
13:39You're welcome
13:40For what?
13:41Well, my mom and I have been, like, huge fans of yours
13:44Ever since Live Free or Diet
13:45And we came to Vegas
13:47And we saw you at the Palmetto
13:48And then we were, like, literally quoting your jokes
13:51For 10 hours
13:52The entire car ride home
13:54It was, like, the best weekend
13:56I'm so glad
13:57Thank you
13:58Anyway, we made you something to say thank you
14:04It's you, Barry, and Kara
14:07Wow
14:07And we made this completely out of natural seeds and grains
14:1129 types
14:13We were sorting yellow peas for an entire winter
14:16Just to nail your light honey blonde
14:19It's gotten a little warped
14:20Because we made it three years ago
14:22But you haven't been to any of these
14:23So we couldn't get it to
14:24But here you go
14:29That's beautiful
14:30It's beautiful
14:32Is your mom here so I can thank her?
14:34Oh, no
14:36She passed
14:37In May
14:40I'm so sorry, honey
14:42Thank you
14:42She would be so happy
14:44That I was finally able to get this to you
14:46She really loved you
14:49Thank you
14:52Thank you
14:59I need a minute
15:03It's okay
15:03Damien, it's okay
15:21Oh, yeah
15:22Been there
15:23It's Carport Tunnel
15:24You need one of these?
15:26No
15:26It's not that
15:27It's...
15:29It's...
15:30Ah
15:31Fan art's so ugly
15:33It moves you to tears?
15:35Something like that
15:35I once had a guy
15:37Paint a portrait of me
15:38Using a stamp pad
15:39And his anus
15:41It's framed in my bathroom
15:43You know, it's not that it's ugly
15:45I mean...
15:46It happens
15:47It's just that this...
15:49This woman and her mother
15:51Spent months of their lives making this
15:55Oh, yeah, but so what?
15:57They love doing it
15:58They support us
16:00We show up for them
16:01That's the frickin' deal, Mama
16:04Well, that's the thing
16:05I haven't been showing up for them
16:08And...
16:08They're very mad
16:09At me for it
16:11They'll forgive you
16:13I don't deserve it
16:15I just came here to exploit them
16:17Because I need their help
16:21Well...
16:21Just tell them what you need
16:24They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you
16:26And that you need them more than anyone else
16:28And it sounds like you might
16:30The truth will set you free, baby doll
16:34That's all they want
16:40That and a t-shirt
16:42That only some people are allowed to get
17:00Little Debbies
17:00I have news
17:05Madison Square Garden won't give me a date
17:07Because they say I'm not big enough to play it
17:10So I came here
17:11To get you
17:13To rally for me
17:16Which is unfair
17:18Because
17:19You're right
17:21I have neglected you
17:24And
17:24I am so sorry
17:27Hold on
17:28They're saying you're not big enough to play MSG
17:30Fuck that
17:31The Garden would be lucky to have you
17:34Thank you
17:35Well, in time I hope
17:37That I can regain your trust
17:38They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do
17:40That's our job
17:42They're the greatest comedian of all time
17:44Yes
17:45So the Knicks can play MSG
17:47But not Deborah Vance
17:49Misogynistic bullshit
17:50I don't care if you are a lizard
17:52You deserve to play MSG
17:55As president of the Little Debbies Tucson chapter
17:58This will not stand
17:59Wait, sorry
18:00Sorry
18:01I thought you were my fan
18:02What are you talking about?
18:03That's Cindy
18:04She's the third generation Little Debbie
18:06That's right
18:06I'm here for Deborah
18:08I just wanted to replace you and write for her
18:10You stupid bitch
18:11Oh my god
18:14So you didn't like any of my tweets?
18:15They're not jokes
18:16They're thought poems
18:18Okay
18:19Deborah, who do we talk to about this?
18:22Amanda Weinberg
18:23At msg-entertainment.com
18:271, Madison Square Garden Plaza
18:29Suite 3H
18:31Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue
18:34That's a promise
18:35You know what?
18:36If you can do that
18:37I'm making the tickets $20
18:38So you all can come
18:40And you know what?
18:42I'm bringing back Deborah Plus
18:44And you know what else?
18:45This year's Christmas theme
18:47Is fuchsia and cherry
18:49The 1997 Redux
18:57I didn't think it would be
18:59But the Macchiato
19:00Perfect
19:00Jimmy
19:01The Macchiato is really good
19:02Jimmy
19:02Oh Renee
19:04Hey
19:04You know, I want to thank you for your advice
19:06I reached out to Lucy
19:08And she loves the Xena rewatch podcast idea
19:10Lucy Lawless knows my idea?
19:12Yeah
19:12Well you know it's really nice to talk about business with someone who is familiar with my work
19:16I never had a rep pitch me any ideas
19:18Much less actually watch the whole show
19:20What?
19:20People are insane
19:22People are sick
19:22People are sick
19:23I don't get it
19:23Sick people
19:24Piece of shit
19:25I'm sure your roster is crowded
19:26But would you ever consider representing me?
19:30Us?
19:31Yes
19:31Absolutely
19:32Alright, well then
19:33I mean I probably should give you 10% of what I made today
19:37No, no, no
19:37That's not necessary
19:38But thank you
19:38Are you okay with hundreds?
19:40Yes
19:42Love them
19:42We are
19:42We are
19:43Thank you
19:43Wow
19:44Thank you
19:45Okay, well this was amazing
19:46Consider yourself a client of Schaefer and Lussac
19:49Yeah, let me put you on an email with Lucy and I next week
19:51When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner
19:52You like Greek?
19:53I love Greek
19:54I don't need octopus though
19:55Anymore
19:56They're too intelligent
19:57That's right
20:01Eric Estrada looked amazing
20:04Oh my god
20:10Surprise, surprise
20:12This is crazy
20:13We love you girl
20:15Thank you
20:17Happy birthday love
20:21Happy birthday honey
20:23Look who's here
20:24Oh wow
20:25Hi
20:26Hi
20:26Honey Regan
20:27It's me
20:28Yep
20:28Hey, how are ya?
20:29Hi
20:29It's Sophia
20:30Hi, it's so nice to see you
20:32It's been forever
20:33Eighth grade graduation
20:34How could I forget
20:35Yeah, with Debra called
20:36I told her how inseparable you two were
20:38And how it would mean the world to you to be together on your thirtieth
20:41So here we all are
20:42Absolutely
20:43Yep, yep
20:44How are you?
20:45Amazing
20:45Yeah
20:46I married Greg Holland
20:48Remember him?
20:50Um, he ran through a glass door
20:52His cousin drowned in the quarry
20:53Oh, yes, Greg used to put girls in his hockey bag
20:55Him
20:55Anyway, we have four kids under six
20:57Whoa
20:58Yep
20:58Whoa
20:59Yep, all natural
21:00Sorry for you
21:01Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here
21:03Yeah, I bet
21:04I should tell you, Mr. Merch just died
21:05Oh, that's so sad
21:06No, it's not
21:07He was a pedophile
21:08Convicted multiple times over
21:11Let's party
21:12Come on
21:16Oh, oh my God
21:18And we got just a few of your favorite things
21:21The entire Jack and Box menu
21:23A cranberry kombucha
21:25Oh, yes
21:26Cupcakes from a queer bakery
21:27And of course
21:28Oh my God
21:29For two cheese rolls and pappuccino pappamels
21:32I had a phone in this morning
21:33I miss these rolls
21:39The spray cleans the screen
21:41While the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard
21:44Thank you so much
21:45Please use it
21:46I will, sorry
21:47Ladies and gentlemen
21:49We have one last surprise
21:51Please give a warm welcome to
21:53Jesse McCartney
21:57Yes, bitch
22:00This one goes out to the most special girl in the world
22:03You know who you are
22:05It's me
22:06Happy birthday
22:07I've heard about this in my middle school journal
22:09It's coming true
22:10I know
22:11I read your journal
22:12That's why he's here
22:16I don't want another pretty face
22:19I don't want just anyone to hold
22:21I don't want my love to go to waste
22:24I want you in your beautiful soul
22:27Oh, yeah
22:32I know that you
22:35Are something special
22:37To you
22:39I'd be
22:41I'd be
22:42Always faithful
22:42And I want to be
22:45What you always needed
22:47Then I hope you see the heart in me
22:51I don't want another pretty face
22:54I don't want just anyone to hold
22:56I don't want my love to go to waste
22:59I want you in your beautiful soul
23:04Okay, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow
23:07You can bowl your own cantaloupe
23:09Good night
23:10Night
23:10Well, you know what?
23:12I'm going to say good night now, too
23:13I have a 4.15 a.m. flight to Papayate
23:16to see my boyfriend in the senior world windsurfing competition
23:18I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend?
23:20Well, I emailed you about him
23:21I emailed her
23:22Uh, no, I don't think you did
23:23Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava
23:25And it's become physical
23:26The first since your father
23:27Well, depends what you count
23:29Oh, God
23:30Uh, well, I love you
23:32Okay
23:32Bye
23:32Good night
23:34Good night
23:34Bye
23:35Awesome
23:38Wow
23:39Oh, my God
23:40That was a successful party
23:42Yeah
23:42It's so many friends who showed up for you
23:46And that Jenny
23:47You know, the one who drank vodka
23:49Out of one of my really nice wine glasses
23:51Yes, Jenny Regan
23:52The girl I only befriended
23:54So that I could play with her hermit crabs
23:56And then she stopped being my friend
23:57When she got her period before me
23:59Oh
24:01Friend's a friend
24:02Yeah
24:02And you got a lot of them here
24:08Debra
24:10Did you only throw me at this party
24:11Because you feel bad about what you said on the boat in Singapore?
24:14No
24:16I mean, it's your birthday
24:17You deserve a party
24:18A birthday party
24:19Wow
24:20Did you ever hear one of those?
24:21Guilt looks good on you
24:23Deborah
24:23You don't have to feel guilty about that
24:26You're not wrong
24:28You are my only friend
24:31What hurt me was that you said it was weird
24:33Because I don't think it is
24:37You know, I think you're the reason that I
24:40Haven't been there for the Little Debbies
24:42You know, I used to spend so much time with my fans
24:45But it wasn't
24:47For them
24:48It was for me
24:50I mean, they were my friends
24:54Because I never really had any
24:56Yes, you did
24:57You had friends
24:57You've always had friends
24:59You have tons of friends
25:00You know, I was popular
25:04I never had a best friend
25:09Well, I mean, you know
25:11My sister
25:13You know, we know how that went
25:15So I just relied more and more on
25:17The Little Debbies
25:18And it was as much for me
25:20As it was for them
25:24But then I met you
25:28And I didn't need them so much anymore
25:32Well, it makes sense
25:34You're mere number one fan
25:38Hey, who, who, who
25:39Oh, you've got 50 minutes left on your birthday
25:42What do you want to do?
25:45Hmm
25:47Oh
25:51That's my new phone background
25:52Ooh
25:54Someone's smoking the Cheech
25:55Hey, you
25:56You're still here
25:57Oh, yeah
25:59I just fucked Jesse McCartney
26:01Yeah
26:02You cheated on Greg?
26:04Okay, you don't know our arrangement
26:05Wow, okay
26:06Are you open?
26:08No
26:09Hey, you mind if I, uh, rinse off in your swimming pool?
26:11I don't like a UTI
26:12Sure
26:13Wonderful
26:14Thank you
26:16Wow, a lot of salt and pepper shakers
26:17You think you got enough?
26:20Sorry about that
26:21Oh, here
26:21Try this
26:24What is it?
26:25It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter
26:28I want to include a fat-free recipe in my newsletter tomorrow
26:31Hmm
26:31Because my little Debbies are going to need all the energy they can get
26:36Absolutely
26:36I was going to say get out of my head because when he
26:39When he took the old set
26:44Can't take my way
26:46Baby's remains were never recovered from that creep
26:49Atticus
26:50Put your shoes on, honey
26:51We're late
26:52This episode of Murder My Stupid Ass, please
26:53Is sponsored by Dev for MSG
26:54Go to change.org today
26:56And add your name to the petition
26:57Amanda
27:19Oh, good
27:19I got three other bands
27:20I am being stuck and harassed, re-turned-a-center graffy-ass
27:33Hello?
27:36Who's there?
27:50I understand many of you have been waiting for me to speak on this.
27:53So hear me now.
27:55I am not a lizard.
27:58And I know that is something a lizard would say.
28:01However, that was really, really believable, though.
28:03Yeah? Thanks.
28:05Love it.
28:05The harassment has got to stop.
28:08Still don't think it's a good idea.
28:10But I'm giving you a date at the garden.
28:13Oh, okay.
28:14Wow, that's fantastic.
28:16Yeah, great.
28:17Thanks, Amanda.
28:18We'll talk real soon.
28:22We're going to MSG.
28:23Yes!
28:24One!
28:26September 11th.
28:27Not 11th.
28:28It was the only date available.
28:30Great!
28:31Ah!
28:32Here we go!
28:33Ow, that hurt!
28:34God, it's like high-fiving in the hole!
28:36Oh, my God!
28:37You were set!
28:40Oh, hey!
28:41Look your heart and I go
28:44Misusing love I did too long
28:47I never thought I'd see today
28:51You get your cold and pour away
28:54Oh, hey!
28:56Come back home
28:57Darling, please come back home
29:01Darling, please come back home
29:02Oh, hey!
29:03Girl, I know I treated you wrong
29:05But, baby, please come back home
29:10I hope my baby knew I killed
29:12The pain within I made you feel
29:16Once was blind but now I see
29:19Girl, how much it's mean to me
29:23Girl, how much it's mean to me
29:23Oh, baby, come back home
29:26Darling, please come back home
29:29Cause I can't stand it
29:32I just can't stand it
29:34Come back home
29:36Ooh, please come back home
29:42Baby, please come back home
29:49Girl, I never treat you no more
29:52Please come back home
29:56Moodle, I don't have to
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