- 2 hours ago
Hacks Season 5 Episode 5
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00We've got a strong anchor.
00:02She's quick, but I worry about precision.
00:05We're only staffing the best of the best at the diva.
00:07Oh, is that what you're calling the casino?
00:10The diva. I like that.
00:13Diva.
00:16Oh, look at that little one.
00:18He lets the sock of the vacuum pull him.
00:21He'll be less prone to injury.
00:24Smart.
00:31I like his passion.
00:32No, can't do it. Horrible at trivia.
00:35Call it. Call it, Red.
00:36Yes! Who do you think you are?
00:38I am. I am Ray, motherfuckers!
00:42We did good.
00:43Come on, let's go. You need to be perfect.
00:45Work for this. Work for this.
00:46This is where a hotel succeeds or fails.
00:48A well-made bed.
00:49It's almost all there is.
00:51Look at him in the vest.
00:53I like the way he handles a top sheet.
00:55Go, Sophie. Go! Go!
00:57I do not want to bring you tonight. Prove me wrong.
00:59He's a surgeon.
01:00Quick, but measured.
01:02Efficient, but not careless.
01:04Fold that top!
01:05Hospital quarters!
01:06We went over there, Sophie!
01:08Jesus Christ!
01:10Check! Check!
01:13Oh, yes!
01:19I am the best spellbreaker in the world!
01:25Laurel, I see you.
01:26I am the best.
01:28Best, best.
01:29Moment of truth.
01:30Best, best.
01:31Yes!
01:32Good girl!
01:33See, I'm on your side, girl.
01:36You know what I miss? Go fish.
01:37Mom!
01:38Mom!
01:39Hi, guys.
01:40Mom, I need you.
01:41Oh, no.
01:42Honey, is Aiden leaving you?
01:44This is what men do.
01:45They leave.
01:46Okay, you've got to make sure that all the vehicles are in your name.
01:49No.
01:49Are they?
01:49No, no, no, no, no.
01:50Are they?
01:50Mom!
01:52They're finally doing Celebrity Amazing Race!
01:55Oh.
01:56Remember, you said that you would go on it with me if they ever made it.
01:59Oh.
02:00Oh, yeah.
02:01No, DJ, you know that I gagged.
02:02I can't do any TV, no performing for months.
02:05Nice try.
02:06I called your lawyer.
02:07You called Stuart?
02:08Well, that's what you get for suing me for criminal negligence for breaking Grandma's teapot, okay?
02:11Stuart and I have developed a lovely working relationship,
02:13and he says you're in the clear as long as this season airs after the non-compete expires,
02:18and it does, so suck it!
02:20No.
02:21You are not allowed to do a reality show.
02:22That has always been our rule.
02:24Mom, this is really important to me, okay?
02:26You know it's important to me.
02:29Amazing Race got me sober.
02:31Excuse me, I think $400,000 worth of rehab got you sober.
02:35Nope, that failed.
02:36Episodes of The Amazing Race got me through some really dark times, okay?
02:39Phil Kogan is my higher power, and you promised me that if I got sober, we would go on to
02:43heaven.
02:44Okay, okay, you're right.
02:46Now, think about it.
02:47Yeah, think about it, but I need an answer by 5 o'clock, okay?
02:50Plus, if we win, we get a million dollars, which covers my allowance for the year.
02:53Well, honey, I think all that money goes to charity.
02:56Oh, fuck, really?
02:58Ugh, that's so stupid.
02:59You know what?
03:00I'm sure there's a workaround.
03:00I still want to do it.
03:01I'm going to go practice driving on the wrong side of the road.
03:05Christ, yeah.
03:06Look, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world for you to go on a reality show.
03:10I mean, there'll be a big announcement revealing the cast,
03:12and you can get him to plug MSG in the press release.
03:14You know, she's right.
03:15Reality shows do give celebrities fresh relevance.
03:18That's true.
03:20The problem with reality shows is you cannot control the narrative.
03:23I mean, that's why I've turned down Andy Cohen more than every twink on Fire Island.
03:26What?
03:27And they can make you look however they want.
03:28I mean, don't worry about me, but, I mean, they could really make DJ look like a fool.
03:32I mean, she doesn't seem too worried to me.
03:34Yeah, and having her as my teammate would probably be out on the first leg.
03:39I could be home in a week.
03:41You do need to sell tickets.
03:43Well, I guess it looks like I'm doing the amazing race.
03:47Woo!
03:47Girl, I cannot wait to watch your ass.
03:50It's going to be great.
03:57Oh, that's bad, too.
04:00Food waste is so depressing.
04:02You know, this is the fourth blackout we've had this year?
04:04It's the sixth.
04:05Two happened during separate 12-hour naps you were taking.
04:08Not sleeps, naps.
04:10And you slept those nights, too.
04:12It's even worse.
04:13Thank God I'm such a good napper, I'd be even more stressed out about the climate crisis.
04:17I don't monitor my sleep.
04:19It's private.
04:20But he's fascinating.
04:26Jimbo, what's up?
04:27Hey, so I just finished lunch with Jessica Duncan, and I have great news.
04:31She loves the who's making dinner idea.
04:33She wants to hear it.
04:33Are you serious?
04:35Yeah, she flipped out.
04:37Are you peeing?
04:37What?
04:38Call me back if you're peeing.
04:39I can talk to you in a second.
04:39No, I'm making coffee.
04:41Well, I have peed over on the phone before.
04:44Okay.
04:45Anyway, I want to get you and Debra in a room with her.
04:47Is Ever excited, because this could be really big.
04:48Um, I have not yet.
04:51I haven't talked to Debra yet.
04:53Well, you need to ASAP.
04:54Also, I do need to flag one issue with the rights.
04:59Apparently, when Frank died, he left them to Kathy.
05:01Please tell me you mean to Jimmy.
05:02Why would I mean Kathy and to Jimmy?
05:04Now, Kathy, her sister, the one who hates her.
05:06I even tried to grease the wheels.
05:07I gave her a call today, but she wanted to get off the phone because she said I was, quote,
05:11an enabler of her abuser.
05:12Who?
05:12Which I think is unfair, but you know what?
05:14We all have our narrative, so whatever.
05:15Whatever to her.
05:16She's a fucking bitch.
05:17Okay, well, uh, I'll talk to Debra.
05:21Let me know what our girl says, and if she is not happy, don't tell me.
05:24Just internalize it.
05:28I think you're packing too much stuff.
05:30You really have room for six rolls of toilet paper?
05:32Oh, you can't just downgrade your toilet tissue out of nowhere.
05:35I haven't had time to build up any kind of a tolerance.
05:37It's a shock to the system.
05:38But you can go to the hospital.
05:40Totally.
05:41Um, hey, while I have you, so you know how I have that blind script deal?
05:46Mm-hmm.
05:46Well, um, I figured out what I want to do.
05:50Uh, I want to reboot who's making dinner.
05:53Oh.
05:54Um, yeah, it would take place in the same house,
05:57but instead of a young couple, it would follow some, uh, Gen Z friends
05:59who have to all live together to afford it.
06:02I could pitch it, and then you could just, like, totally rewrite it if you wanted to.
06:04Like, just whichever version works for you, I feel like, yeah, done with.
06:08But, um, I just wanted to run it by you, because...
06:10I really don't want to do a reboot of who's making dinner.
06:13Oh.
06:14Okay.
06:15But you should.
06:17No, no, no, no.
06:19I wouldn't want to do it without you.
06:21No, no, no.
06:21I'm moving forward with the garden.
06:23But I give you my blessing.
06:26Are you sure?
06:28I mean, I know it's, like, triggering for you when people rewrite your story.
06:33Well, I would trust you to do it.
06:37Thanks.
06:39I won't let you down.
06:41I know.
06:43But, you know, I don't have the rights, so I can't help you with that.
06:47Well, maybe you can.
07:00Look at that headshot.
07:02It's at least 20 years old.
07:05We have two offers already, and two others are writing.
07:08So, if you're interested, I suggest you come in aggressively.
07:11Okay, great.
07:12Thanks.
07:15What the hell are you doing here?
07:17Nice bones, Kathy.
07:18Not you.
07:19The house.
07:20How did you find me?
07:21Do you still have that P.I. following me?
07:23P.I.?
07:24What P.I.?
07:27You died.
07:28Is there somewhere we can sit?
07:30If we must.
07:34I was surprised you weren't at the christening.
07:37What?
07:37We both were.
07:39I'm A.J.'s godmother.
07:41I am A.J.'s godmother.
07:42Oh, God.
07:44D.J. must have had two christenings.
07:46You want to alternate months?
07:50So, listen.
07:51I know why you're here.
07:52I talked to Jimmy against the advice of my healer.
07:56Debra, you are not getting the rights to that show.
07:58The thing is, they're not for Debra.
08:00They're for me.
08:00Huh, sure.
08:01Really, they are.
08:02What are you going to do with them?
08:04Nothing.
08:05Well, you didn't know that.
08:06I journal.
08:07So, what's your price?
08:08You obviously need the money.
08:10I don't remember you having a passion for selling real estate.
08:12You weren't even good at playing house.
08:14Well, you always made me be the maid.
08:16Well, you were a natural.
08:17I'm surprised you couldn't remember anything at all.
08:20I read that you had a psychotic break live on air.
08:23No surprise there.
08:24Hope you're getting help.
08:25Just like you got help in the 90s with Prozac?
08:28How did you...
08:28I had DJ go through your trash like a good little girl.
08:31Okay, my sisters.
08:32Let's turn the volume down.
08:33Kathy, is there anything we could do to change your mind?
08:40Well, there is one thing.
08:43No, no.
08:44Let's go.
08:45What?
08:45When we were little, our mother had these salt and pepper shakers.
08:48Do not waste your breath.
08:50They were cherubic, porcelain, little blonde girls.
08:53She used to say they looked exactly like us.
08:55We loved them.
08:56That's why we started shaker collections of our own.
08:58Then when Mom passed, Deborah stole them from me.
09:01I never stole them.
09:02Mom said she always wanted me to have them.
09:04I'll give you the rights if you give me back the shakers.
09:06Which is never going to happen.
09:07See?
09:08She's deliberately crushing your dreams.
09:11Sadistic, really.
09:12This woman is sick.
09:13This woman is sick!
09:18Let's leave.
09:19Okay.
09:20That's great.
09:21Don't even think about coming back without those shakers.
09:25Oh, windows crowd, candles are lit, there's malls.
09:28Run.
09:29Run.
09:33Hello.
09:36I'm sorry.
09:38I would pay anything.
09:39I just can't.
09:41I can't do that.
09:42I get it.
09:42I get it.
09:43It's okay.
09:43Thank you for trying.
09:45Okay.
09:57Amazing race contestants.
09:58Take your places, please.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:03This is the best day of my life.
10:04Thank you so much for doing this.
10:06Well, you're welcome, sweetie.
10:07But just remember our deal, okay?
10:08You're representing the family.
10:09Yeah.
10:10So, went on camera.
10:11Mm-hmm.
10:11No swearing.
10:12Right.
10:12No unladylike behavior.
10:13Mm-hmm.
10:14No talking back.
10:15Okay.
10:15Now, when you're in doubt, ask yourself, WWMD.
10:18What would Mommy do?
10:19I know.
10:19Yes, what would Mommy do?
10:20I don't understand.
10:21Talk back.
10:22I didn't.
10:23I talked with.
10:24We said the same thing.
10:25Okay.
10:25Hey, everyone.
10:26Yes, Bill!
10:27Yeah!
10:27I would officially like to welcome you all to the amazing race.
10:34Now, since this is our first celebrity race, why don't we just talk a little bit about
10:40why you were taking part.
10:41Drew and Jonathan, what inspired you to be here today?
10:44Well, we love to compete.
10:45So, not if, but when we win.
10:48Very confident.
10:49Yeah.
10:50Yeah.
10:50Okay.
10:50We're going to be donating our prize money to the Alzheimer's Association.
10:53We have a family member who died from Alzheimer's, so we're going on this journey for the patients
10:58and doctors who are running the much harder race, the one for a cure.
11:01Okay.
11:02That's a great cause.
11:03Great cause.
11:03Yeah.
11:04Yeah.
11:05Yeah.
11:05Now, J.R. and Richard.
11:07We are playing for the United Negro College Fund.
11:09Right.
11:10We will also support HBCUs throughout the country.
11:12Yeah.
11:12And the million dollars that we are going to win, correct?
11:15That's just a fraction of the $26 million that the United Negro College Fund donates every
11:20single year to scholarships.
11:21Awesome.
11:22Another great cause.
11:23Yeah.
11:25Now, what about you, Deborah and DJ Vance?
11:27I'm here to promote my comeback show at Madison Square Garden, September 11th.
11:34Okay.
11:36How about we get this race started, everybody?
11:40Are you ready for your life-changing adventure?
11:43Yes, we are.
11:44Let's go.
11:45Good luck.
11:46Travel safe.
11:48Go!
11:55Oh, this is going to be interesting.
12:07Okay, drag yourselves to LAX and fly to Oaxaca, Mexico.
12:10When you land, make your way to Campo Los Molinos.
12:12You have $50 for this leg of the race.
12:14Okay, back, back, back, back.
12:15Mom, this wedding hair is a stink.
12:17No, no, no, no.
12:18How did we have talked about a racerback cut on your sister?
12:20Stop it!
12:21Get in the car!
12:32Get right there!
12:36Your next flight to Oaxaca, Mexico.
12:38Hola!
12:38We've got the same flight they're getting!
12:39Yes, yes, please, please.
12:40Hi, Deborah.
12:41I'm like, I love you so much.
12:43I have to say, I went as you for Halloween all of middle school.
12:46A lot of fucking shit kicked out of me.
12:47Worth it!
12:48No, I'm obsessed with you.
12:50Jordan just told me you do comedy, too.
12:53He had to tell you that?
12:54Well, now that I know, I'm obsessed.
12:56We should totally work together.
12:58The blonde comedy girls.
13:00You're a comedian?
13:01Yeah, well, I can also talk really, really, really fast.
13:03And what else?
13:04Oh, I can do ASMR.
13:06Do you feel it?
13:07Do you feel it on the back of your neck?
13:08She's major.
13:09She's a generational talent.
13:10This is online comedy.
13:12Well, I've also done Broadway and the Hollywood Bowl.
13:14Yeah, she sold out in, like, under two seconds.
13:16Yeah, it was super fun.
13:18So, should we make this official?
13:20Alliance?
13:21Alliance-iana?
13:22Alliance-iana.
13:23We can call ourselves the funny honeys.
13:26I don't, I don't, I don't think so, thanks.
13:29Wait, no, Mom.
13:30Mom, no, no, alliances are a huge part of the race.
13:33Okay, so, listen, what if there's a puzzle and we can't figure it out?
13:35Don't you want them to give us a hint on their way out?
13:37That happens literally all the time.
13:39Absolutely not.
13:40She says we're both comedians.
13:41How dare she compare herself to me?
13:43Oh, God.
13:43They will get last and we will win this race.
13:46Come on, let's go.
13:50Don't be afraid to push.
13:51Don't be afraid to push.
13:52Get out of my way.
13:54Don't be afraid to shove.
13:55Don't be afraid to shove.
13:57Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
14:12I got it, it's good TV, it's good TV.
14:15We need to go there.
14:17Are you paying attention?
14:18This is very important.
14:20We are in a race for one million doleros.
14:23RAPIDO, RAPIDO!
14:41Oh, damn it.
14:42I was hoping they'd be stranded and abducted.
14:45Where are the kidnappers from Sinaloa drug cartel and you need them?
14:48Oh, it's a roadblock.
14:48That means only one of us can come meet the town.
14:50Okay, okay, okay, okay.
14:52Who's the big cheese?
14:53Oh, this one's addressed to me.
14:55Mom, every single contestant is a celebrity, okay?
14:57I don't know, I can't have a clue.
14:58What's wrong with your fingers?
14:59Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack once there you'll receive your next
15:01clue.
15:01Oh, yeah.
15:02I understood every word of that.
15:03Transport a wheel of cheese down the hill using a traditional antique cheese rack.
15:07Once there you'll receive your next clue.
15:09Huh?
15:10Okay.
15:10All right, okay.
15:11This sounds complex.
15:12I think I should do this one.
15:13No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:14I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it.
15:15Hopefully you can complete this quick and catch up to the other teens.
15:17Wait, honey, honey, you're fly away.
15:19Stop!
15:19Okay, all right, can't you take that again?
15:38What are you doing?
15:39Are you tying it?
15:40Just tying the cheese.
15:47I wanted to say before, um, I know you got canceled, smear campaign and everything.
15:51I just want to say, like, from cancel queen to cancel queen, like, it hurts the soul, helps the wallet.
15:57Just if I could give you any advice, you know, who am I to say, I'm, you know, 19.
16:02Okay, baby!
16:04You got this!
16:09That's it, girl!
16:10Come on, honey!
16:11No.
16:12No.
16:13Land every footstep, but don't hunch.
16:15You're on camera.
16:17Steady.
16:17Steady!
16:19Trisha!
16:20Where are you?
16:22Oh, there's it.
16:23You got this, Trish!
16:26Okay.
16:27Okay.
16:28Help!
16:29Oh, my God!
16:31Oh, my God!
16:33Oh, my God!
16:42Oh, my ankle!
16:47Stop wivering.
16:48Stop wivering.
16:48It shows weakness.
16:49All right.
16:50Sweetie, one more thing.
16:51You're going to have to get back up and grab the cheese and finish the challenge, okay?
16:55Fuck!
16:57She's good.
16:59She's good.
17:04She's good.
17:37Ava.
17:37Oh, hey.
17:40What are you doing?
17:41Me? Just me?
17:42Yeah.
17:43Oh, nothing.
17:44Uh, er, I just came down to get a midnight snack,
17:46but then by the time I got here I was not hungry anymore
17:48because the house was so big and it took me so long to get down here.
17:50Totally.
17:50What's up with you? What are you doing up?
17:52Just walking the dogs.
17:53Okay. At this hour? That's curious.
17:56Well, when the doggers out of town, they get super anxious
17:58and just, like, shit everywhere.
18:00Oh, whew. Oh, sorry. I'm so tired.
18:03Oh.
18:05Mmm, I gotta go to bed.
18:07Uh, but, yeah, it was good to see you.
18:10Good night.
18:11I'm gonna go. This is me. I'm headed this way.
18:13I know. Good night.
18:14Okay, good night. Good night, Damien.
18:17Okay.
18:18Wow.
18:20Now I kinda want a snack.
18:24Somebody help me right now.
18:28Bad situation, baby.
18:30I'm in a bad situation.
18:32Sure.
18:35God, honey, be careful.
18:37Okay.
18:39It's...
18:39That's the last flu. That means we're the last team.
18:41No!
18:41I have to beat that idiot woman.
18:43We can still make up time, okay?
18:44We can make up time.
18:45Because in this race, the game's not over
18:47until you're standing on that mat and Phil says you're eliminated.
18:50All right. It's another roadblock. Who's got milk?
18:54Okay, now, sweetie, why don't you sit this one out and rest your ankles?
18:56What? What? No!
18:57Mom, what if it's a food challenge?
18:58We both know you are not gonna be caught dead eating full fat dairy on camera, so I will be
19:02doing it.
19:02Well, that's true, but you didn't do so well in the last roadblock.
19:04Look, this is my dream, all right?
19:06And I said I would be doing the roadblock, so the rules say that I have to do the roadblock.
19:10Okay?
19:11All right.
19:11Milk a goat.
19:12Milk a goat.
19:13Until you have two quarts.
19:14When you think you have completed this task, present your milk to the goat farmer to receive your next clothes.
19:18No problem.
19:19Okay.
19:20To the right, to the right, to the right.
19:23Okay, there it is. There it is. You got it. You got it.
19:24Just grab the gear.
19:29Jesus.
19:29She really is multi-talented.
19:31Aren't these goats so cute?
19:33I'm gonna get, like, six or seven when I get home.
19:35I don't like them. They're demonic.
19:37Why are their eyes so far apart?
19:39I'm done!
19:40Oh, we're done.
19:41Yay!
19:41Good to see you.
19:43Hey, hey.
19:44Don't, don't.
19:46Hold on, hold on, hold on.
19:47Get over there.
19:50Get your boobs easy for me.
19:51DJ, DJ, why don't you watch the nice man do it for a minute before you try it?
19:54I don't need to watch the man, okay?
19:56Don't you remember when I had that past life regression therapy and I found out I was a milkmaid who
19:59was secretly a princess?
20:00I got this.
20:01Sure.
20:02You have to hold.
20:04Okay, well, she's being a bitch. That's not, that's not my fault.
20:06Pinch the top of the teat, DJ. The top of the teat.
20:09Hey, mom. Hey, mom. If you could shut up for a second, that would help. You're distracting me, okay?
20:12What, the top of the teat? What does that mean? Which end is the top?
20:15Just, just watch the guy.
20:16Watch the guy and then do it the way he's doing it!
20:19Don't yell at me! Shut the fuck up! I don't need to watch the guy!
20:22Debra, it's a roadblock.
20:23You cannot help your partner.
20:24I know, Elise!
20:26Gotta relax into it.
20:27Oh!
20:29Huh? Huh?
20:30You gotta relax into that past life.
20:32Oh, my God.
20:44Oh, you guys.
20:47Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
20:49Calm down! It doesn't work. But I will hit you with it. And don't you dare touch anything in this
20:54shop, you harlot. I remember you. You threatened to smash a limoge vase to strong army into selling to Debra
21:01Vance.
21:02I did. I did. I did do that. I was in a desperate situation. And I am once again in
21:06a desperate situation. But I come in peace. I need your help. Just some information.
21:12Ha! Go straight to hell! I'd never help you.
21:15Oh.
21:17That's too bad to hear.
21:19Seems like you've got a lot of, um, inventory around here.
21:23And I did happen to notice some items on your website are heavily discounted. Maybe times are tough?
21:31Your generation doesn't understand antiques. But it'll come around. It's always cyclical.
21:37Well, if you want to wait for that to happen, be my guest. But what if I told you that
21:41I could take half your inventory right now at market value?
21:45I wouldn't believe you. You're lying piece of shit.
21:48That's wise. I can't. But I know someone who can.
21:52Marcus!
21:58Sam!
21:59Mr. Vaughn, you're looking fit.
22:02Thank you. I'm decorating and furnishing an entire new casino with all vintage pieces. If you help my friend here,
22:09I'm sure we can make a deal.
22:11What's the style?
22:11Art Deco.
22:12Where?
22:12The old Paradiso.
22:14Fabulous.
22:15I need someone who can make me an exact replica of these.
22:22Why would you ask an antiques dealer? Where you could get a fake?
22:27Well, I seem to remember a certain psychotic bitch telling me that you once fooled her with a counterfeit Georgiou
22:36of sconce.
22:36I remember because she called it the worst betrayal of her life. Mind you, her husband porked her sister.
22:42So I need to know who your forger is, because he's obviously very good.
22:47Well, lucky for you, you're looking at him.
22:53God, I love this town.
22:57Can I use your bathroom?
22:59No.
23:00Don't say anything.
23:02Well, are you looking?
23:03Of course.
23:04Of course.
23:04Of course I'm looking.
23:05I don't know.
23:05Why?
23:06I'll be running here if I stop.
23:07Don't be sassy.
23:08Wait.
23:08Down there.
23:08Down there.
23:09Look.
23:10There it is.
23:11Finally.
23:12Come on.
23:12Ready?
23:13Okay, ready?
23:16This will be the one.
23:17This will be the one.
23:18This is it.
23:19Okay.
23:20Detour.
23:21All right.
23:22Break or dance?
23:23Break.
23:23Enter a room filled with 10,000 Mexican ceramics and smash them on the floor until you find one containing
23:27a clue.
23:28Dance.
23:28Put traditional clown makeup on each other, then learn a clowning dance from a demonstration.
23:32Once you successfully complete the dance to your judge's satisfaction, you will receive your next clue.
23:36Okay.
23:36Okay.
23:37I get what you do, the pottery.
23:38What?
23:38I mean, that's simple.
23:39Something an idiot can do.
23:41Why are you gesturing at me?
23:42I'm not.
23:42I'm gesticulating.
23:43I'm Italian.
23:44You're not Italian.
23:45No.
23:45Mom, that'll take forever.
23:46We are already coming in last.
23:47Oh, we don't.
23:48We've got to make up time.
23:49If we get the clown dance on the first try, we can pass somebody.
23:51Well, we can get it on the first try.
23:52Why?
23:52Let's just try it.
23:53We're just not.
23:54We're...
23:55But look, look, I'm not going to put on clown makeup and do a silly little dance with
23:59you.
24:00I...
24:01I'll look stupid.
24:04No, you're worried that I'm going to look stupid.
24:06You think I'm going to embarrass myself, don't you?
24:09Well, yes, I do.
24:09I do.
24:10I don't think you can learn a clowning routine, and I don't think that you were a milkmaid in
24:13a past life, okay?
24:14It's Princess who chose to be a milkmaid.
24:19What about your leg?
24:20You cannot dance with that ankle.
24:21What are you talking about?
24:21I just got that steroid shot from the Mexican street doctor.
24:24My tits itch, but my ankle's feeling great.
24:27Do you want a chance at beating that girl?
24:29Yes.
24:29Do you?
24:30Yes.
24:30We're not going to do it standing around smashing pottery for hours.
24:33Yeah, well, think about grandma's teapot.
24:34You were pretty good about breaking the...
24:35Shut up about grandma's teapot.
24:40Let's go.
24:42I like it.
24:43I like it.
24:44I like it.
24:45I like it.
24:45I like it.
24:46I like it.
24:46And Charlie.
24:47And Charlie.
24:48And Charlie.
24:48And Charlie.
24:49And Bonnie.
24:50You know how.
24:51Well, I don't know.
24:52Hold on a second.
24:52It's got to be a clown.
24:53How's this?
24:56Finally.
24:57Took us like eight tries, y'all.
24:59It's hard.
24:59Good luck.
25:00Roll down a high.
25:02We're so fun and nice.
25:03Let's go.
25:03That was great.
25:04That was great.
25:04That was great.
25:04What?
25:05That was so fast.
25:06Come on.
25:07You.
25:08We'll take you.
25:08Just do it.
25:10Oh, God.
25:10This is...
25:11Uno, dos, tres.
25:15Punta ocho.
25:16Okay.
25:17We got the clown.
25:18That was so much fun.
25:19What?
25:20The judges were like getting emotional watching us.
25:22It was really sweet to see.
25:23Done.
25:23All right.
25:24Mom, we gotta go.
25:25We gotta go.
25:26We gotta go.
25:26We don't know the dance.
25:27We just have to try.
25:28We are...
25:29Listen to me.
25:30We are in last place.
25:31I know that.
25:31If we could get this on the first try, we have a shot.
25:33Mom, look at me.
25:34Let me try.
25:35Please.
25:36Let's go.
25:36Go.
25:36Go.
25:37Go.
25:45Sorry.
25:46I didn't throw it.
25:46I didn't throw it.
25:47That's my bad.
25:47That's my bad.
25:48Go again.
25:49Go again.
25:54It's the...
25:54I did the wrong foot.
25:56We're good.
25:57Yeah.
25:58Okay.
26:04I kicked it on four.
26:05I kicked it on four.
26:06I kicked it on four.
26:06She kicked it on four.
26:07That I saw.
26:07Start over.
26:08Start over.
26:08Go.
26:09Quick.
26:13Can I help?
26:14I've got it.
26:14I've got it.
26:16No.
26:23No.
26:25No.
26:26No.
26:26No.
26:27Oh, shit.
26:27Fuck.
26:28Hop on.
26:30Come on.
26:52What? No! I really thought I got it that time.
26:55Felt good to me.
26:56What was he?
26:56Debra and DJ?
26:58No! Phil! No! No! No! No! No! Not Phil! No! Phil! Come on!
27:01No! No! Come on!
27:04Oh, come on!
27:06Obviously, I'm here for a reason.
27:07Ah!
27:08I know it's been a hard couple of days, and, DJ, you've had your injury,
27:12and you've been struggling with this clown challenge.
27:14I mean, a little bit.
27:15You've been here four hours.
27:16I know!
27:17And all the other teams have checked into the pit stop.
27:20Oh!
27:20Debra and DJ, I'm really sorry to tell you that you've been eliminated from the race.
27:28We didn't do it.
27:30But you know what we didn't do?
27:32Actually, Phil, we didn't quit.
27:33So you can hold your head high.
27:35Yeah.
27:35You gave it everything.
27:36Yeah.
27:36Yeah?
27:36Yeah.
27:37I know you're upset, but are you pleased you came on the amazing race?
27:40That's the best thing that I've ever done in my whole life.
27:43Honestly, Phil, this race, it challenges every single part of you.
27:47That's what I wanted.
27:48You know, I got to milk a goat.
27:50Yeah.
27:51I got to see two different cities in Mexico.
27:55But most of all, I got to spend more time with my mom than I have in years, and that's
28:01really all I wanted.
28:03You feel like you really bonded with your mom?
28:05Yeah.
28:06It was beautiful.
28:08You feel the same way, Debra?
28:10Yeah.
28:11Think.
28:13Um, Phil, can I ask a favor?
28:16I can't get you back on the race.
28:17No, no, no.
28:18I understand.
28:19We're eliminated.
28:19But if I could just take one more crack at this dance, I know I could nail it.
28:24Are you serious?
28:24I'm serious.
28:25We got so close this last time.
28:26I don't know if you were watching, but we got so close.
28:28We did.
28:29Yeah.
28:30Absolutely.
28:31I mean, give it another shot.
28:33Actually, Mom, this one's for us.
28:37Okay?
28:38Okay, we can do this.
28:39We can do this.
28:40Okay.
28:40We can do this.
28:44Okay.
28:51Oh, fuck me!
28:52Fuck!
28:52Shit!
28:53Just forget it.
28:54Just fuck it.
28:54You know what?
28:54I don't even care.
28:55I never cared.
28:56I don't care, Phil!
28:59Stop fucking filming me!
29:00It's done.
29:01It's over.
29:02Go!
29:14Oh, my.
29:18Oh, my.
29:19Oh.
29:20They're just how I remember them.
29:22Good.
29:24I can feel her.
29:26I can feel Mommy in the pepper shaker.
29:29She's in there.
29:31Oh, thank you, Ava.
29:32Thank you so much.
29:34But how did you convince her?
29:36She doesn't know.
29:39Stole them.
29:40I don't know what Deborah's gonna do, but she realizes you stole them.
29:43I don't want to know.
29:45Yeah.
29:47Physical, probably.
29:49You must really, really want those rights.
29:51Yeah.
29:53Yeah, I do.
29:55So, do we have a deal?
29:57Yes.
29:58Yes, you've earned them.
30:00I'll have my lawyer call Jimmy in the morning.
30:04Welcome home, guys.
30:07Aw.
30:15Oh.
30:20Oh, I remember boarding groups.
30:23Fun.
30:24They never let Aiden and me pre-board because they don't count MMA as military service.
30:29Fucking bullshit.
30:33I'm sorry we lost.
30:34It's my fault.
30:36If you had done the roadblocks, we would have won.
30:39No, you're kind of good at everything and super annoying.
30:42No, that's not true.
30:44I've never been good at failing and moving on.
30:50I'm proud of you.
30:52And you let things roll off your back.
30:55During this race, you just threw yourself into everything.
30:57You didn't even care how you looked.
30:59Oh, thanks so much, Mom.
31:00No, no, that's good.
31:02That's good.
31:06You're tougher than me.
31:08You are.
31:09I mean, I've always cared too much about what people think.
31:14Because I know how hard it is when people make fun of you or call you crazy.
31:21Like they're doing to me right now.
31:26I think that's why I tried to protect you from all that.
31:28And why I didn't let you try trapeze or, you know, release your reggae album.
31:42I didn't let you try enough because you could have handled it.
31:50You're right.
31:51You do care what the world thinks.
31:54But I've only ever cared what one person thinks.
31:57Who?
32:00Phil.
32:08I can't believe this.
32:09No, no, no, no, no.
32:10Tell me again.
32:11Tell me again.
32:11She really said I can feel Mommy.
32:14Stop laughing.
32:15I feel really bad.
32:17She cried.
32:18This is the best.
32:21Oh, my God.
32:23Well, you are an evil bitch.
32:25I've never felt close to you.
32:29Well, let's just hope I make you proud and make a good show.
32:32So it's worth it.
32:34Even if you don't.
32:35Recently, I have warmed up to the value of falling flat on your face and embarrassing yourself.
32:40Okay.
32:41Maybe just say you're going to do great.
32:43You're going to do great.
32:46And we're live in five, four, three, two.
32:50Welcome back, folks.
32:52Okay.
32:52I am thrilled because we have an amazing new designer here with us today.
32:59Please welcome Deborah Jr. Vance.
33:02Okay.
33:03How many times has your baby reached for your earrings and almost pulled your entire ear clean off your skull?
33:10So many.
33:10Well, it's never going to happen again.
33:12Do you want to know why?
33:14Detachables.
33:15Oh, my God.
33:16Because they detach.
33:18That's right.
33:19No more bloody lobes.
33:21Moms get it.
33:22Amazing.
33:23Wow, these are flying off the shelf.
33:25They are going fast.
33:26If you want your own DeJewelry, you better call in now.
33:29Oh, and I think we have a call right now.
33:32Oh, because you are the best thing.
33:37You're the best thing.
33:39You are the best thing.
33:43You're the best thing, baby.
33:45You are the best thing.
33:48You're the best thing.
33:50Ever happened.
33:55Baby.
33:58Come a long way, baby.
34:04You know, I hope and I pray that you believe me.
34:09When I say this love will never fade away.
34:15Oh, because you are the best thing.
34:20You're the best thing.
34:22You are the best thing.
34:26You're the best thing, baby.
34:28You are the best thing.
34:31You're the best thing.
34:33You're the best thing.
34:33Ever happened to me.
34:39Both of us have no love before.
34:44Come on, I'm promising like this thing.
34:48Walk on out the door.
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