Skip to playerSkip to main content
Show TV Movies
  • 2 hours ago
Half Man Season 1 Episode 1
Transcript
00:00This video is brought to you by S.T.A.L.D.
00:31I'm not speaking about this.
00:36You don't have to speak.
00:38You have to listen.
00:41Really?
00:44You picked today.
00:47My fucking wedding.
00:54Come on, Truman, stop this.
00:58Put your tongue back on.
01:10Oh, for fuck's sake.
01:16Oh, Nile.
01:29Come here.
01:32Come here.
01:37I'm proud of you.
01:39Yeah?
01:40You know that?
01:47You look gorgeous, so you do, huh?
01:50I tell you, if I wasn't family, I'd get up and underneath that kilt right away.
01:54No, Ruben, don't.
01:56What?
01:57I tell you, you look gorgeous.
01:58Come on, show me.
01:58There's nothing to show, Ruben.
01:59I've got boxes on underneath, for Christ's sake.
02:01Oh, boxers.
02:02Stop teasing me, you little men.
02:07Hey.
02:08Yeah.
02:09Come here.
02:09Look at me.
02:10Look at me.
02:12That's it.
02:14Look at me.
02:15Hmm?
02:16Hey.
02:18We may not flow through each other's veins, but we flow through each other's brains, you
02:22get me?
02:23Please, I don't think that...
02:23One more time, eh?
02:25For old time's sake.
02:27I just need to hear it.
02:30Before I lose you forever.
02:31You're not serious.
02:33Go on.
02:34Say it.
02:35What am I?
02:40Your brother, Fram?
02:49I'm not a lover.
02:55I'm not a lover.
03:19I'm not a lover.
03:21Come on.
03:23Give us your best, you little fight.
03:34What is this now?
03:35Oh, fucking stickers.
03:38Indiana Jones.
03:41That film is gay as fuck.
03:43I'm gonna have these.
03:45No, please.
03:45Gosh.
03:49You can keep one.
03:50Okay.
03:52I'm not a monster.
03:54Pick one.
03:57Second to last.
03:59Good.
04:18Open up.
04:26Okay, degenerate.
04:28Settle down.
04:29Settle down.
04:32Right.
04:33As we know, the prelim exams start this week.
04:37Are we aware of how important they are?
04:42Prelims are your safety net.
04:44For whatever reason, you missed your finals.
04:46You get hit by a bus.
04:48You come down with a bubonic plague.
04:50These exams are your get out of jail with an appeals card.
04:53But have I emphasised their importance enough?
04:59Positively spellbinding.
05:02Right.
05:02Moving on.
05:03I should probably make you aware that a new student will be joining the class from tomorrow.
05:08One Reuben Pallister.
05:11What?
05:14Something to matter, Kennedy?
05:16No, it's just...
05:18Did you just say Reuben Pallister?
05:22That's right.
05:23A new pupil you can show off your sparkling personality to.
05:27Reuben will be transferring from Pullman Young Offenders Institute.
05:31And we'll be re-sitting two years.
05:33Which means they'll be a little more feral than the rest of you.
05:37Any questions?
05:40Nobody.
05:41Good.
05:41Open your jars.
05:42We'll pick up where we left off yesterday.
05:45Page 16.
05:48Kennedy.
05:50Did you listen to what I just said?
05:52Oh, yeah.
05:54Of course.
05:55What did I just say then?
05:59Reuben's back.
06:11Mum, it's Niall.
06:13Honey, I'm working.
06:14What is it?
06:14It's Reuben.
06:15He's out.
06:15He's coming to school.
06:16Look, now is not the time, all right?
06:18He's not staying with us, is he?
06:19We can talk about this when I pick you up.
06:21But, Mum.
06:41You should have said I've ever been.
06:42Oh, piss yourself!
06:44You're a fifteen-year-old boy.
06:45Given your life, I don't need to give you respect.
06:52Look, I'm sorry, okay?
06:54I should have told you.
06:56I'm keeping with the theme of surprises.
06:58He's moved into your room.
07:01What?
07:01No way.
07:02What did you think that second bed was for?
07:03We were almost begging you to ask.
07:05I thought it was for guests.
07:06He is a guest.
07:06No, he's not.
07:07He's a psycho.
07:09He bit someone's nose off.
07:10I've seen the guy, too.
07:11It's horrible.
07:12His wife left him and everything.
07:21Look, you're not to talk about this, okay?
07:23Nobody in this town knows about that.
07:25The last thing that boy needs is folk whispering.
07:27Don't bite people's noses off, then.
07:28No, shh.
07:29You're not to speak this way in front tomorrow, all right?
07:31Oh, you always put her first.
07:32She was only supposed to be living with us for six months,
07:34and now her kid is moving in.
07:36Come on, Mum.
07:37He's a psycho.
07:38Her son getting out is a big deal.
07:40He's been away for two years.
07:41For Christ's sake, this is happening, Niall,
07:44so get used to it.
08:36Remember me, Bambi?
08:38Last time I saw you, you were about yea high.
08:46Grown at least two feet since then.
08:48Maybe more.
08:50You've got the exact same size head, though.
08:52Creeping me out a bit.
08:59You helping or what?
09:01We can't have this shit up.
09:03I'm off for bringing birds home.
09:04Yeah.
09:09Get to it then, Bambi.
09:10Grab a bag.
09:11Get her stuff in.
09:19Yeah.
09:20Take that poster down.
09:21Put this up.
09:37Put up, then, you dick.
10:04What the fuck are you staring at?
10:08What?
10:09Nothing.
10:34Ah, looks like Pallas does a no-show, off to a great start.
10:39All right, everyone, open your jotters. We'll pick up from yesterday. Right, what's going on here? Kennedy. Open your jotter.
11:02No. Open, boy.
11:13Who did this? Oh, no, come on.
11:19Er, me, sir.
11:21You? You called your own mum a dyke?
11:24No, I called someone else's mum a dyke.
11:27Really? I know first-hand from your essays. Your grasp of irony isn't that strong.
11:33So come on. Who did this?
11:39My mum is not a lesbian.
11:41I beg your pardon?
11:42I said my mum is not a fucking lesbian.
11:48Now, come with me.
11:50Go off me, you nods.
11:52What did you say? Like to touch young boys, do you? You fucking old poof!
11:58I'm just wondering if there's something else we should be worrying about.
12:01What are you insinuating?
12:01All I'm saying is I've seen a change in Niall.
12:03Then what change is that, then?
12:05Look, he's gone from being a committed, gifted student to one that acts out in most lessons.
12:09Sir, go on. I know you want to.
12:10Look, we have to call into question Niall's rather unusual state of affairs at home.
12:14You don't know anything about my damn home.
12:31Get back in!
12:33Get back in!
12:34Get back in!
12:36Master me!
12:37Oi, Ruth! I know you're up there!
12:41What?
12:41What are you saying about me? I am not a gay person.
12:47Is that your dad?
12:48Shuck.
12:49How are you no consequence?
12:52You're there, man?
12:52Oh, damn.
12:55You're a fuck.
12:56I love you.
12:57Fucking fuck.
12:59You get down here and explain why you're staying with that, bitch.
13:04And don't be.
13:06You're a son.
13:08You're a son again, eh?
13:10I think I can keep it all fine on that conge-head
13:15I don't think I can't see you, boy
13:18There's even a fucking color
13:21Remarkable
13:22Okay, I'll get one
13:26Don't share a fucking deal
13:30Not a word, okay?
13:32Not a fucking word
13:37I can't believe the rest of you
13:39Shut your mother
13:40You don't tell anyone about this
13:43They understand this never happened
14:19It's okay to tell anyone about it
14:20Okay, so please turn this up
14:20Okay,声 in and out
14:32Well, if you can listen to me
14:32You don't know what this is
14:32You don't know what this is
14:32I don't know what this is
14:32I don't know what this is
14:33I don't know what this is
14:35I do know what this is
14:57All right.
15:10So, boys, I am not sure whether you heard all that commotion last night.
15:22No, we were asleep. Both of us.
15:28Oh, right. Well, that's okay then, if you know me.
15:52Fuck you, staring up.
15:54Just seeing if you're all right.
15:56Why wouldn't I be?
15:57It's just last night.
15:59Fuck last night.
16:00No, yeah, absolutely.
16:02Fuck last night.
16:10So, are you nervous, or...?
16:11How the fuck would I be nervous?
16:12Well, first day of school.
16:14This is Dalkenny. This is where the fairies go.
16:17Oi! Soft cock!
16:19Is that your boyfriend?
16:21Ignore them.
16:22Are these guys bothering you, Bambi?
16:24Nah, it's just banter.
16:26Big after your mum, dear, you little faggot!
16:29Great banter.
16:32Are these guys bothering you, Bambi?
16:37I'll ask you again.
16:38Are these guys bothering you?
16:50Is that a knife?
16:51Go to school.
16:51What?
16:52Go to school. You're not a witness if you don't see what happens.
16:54Right, just fucking go.
16:55Go to school.
17:28And on the heart of this relentless conflict...
17:31Lies a love story.
17:34Ah, Mr. Pallister.
17:36Nice of you to fit us into your busy schedule.
17:39Boys and girls, this is Reuben.
17:41Reuben will be joining us from now on.
17:45Where's your school uniform?
17:47On your mother's floor.
17:49That's enough, everyone.
17:53Desk at the back.
17:56And for the record, my mum's dead.
17:58Two extra points for nihilism.
18:06Right.
18:07As I was saying,
18:08two households,
18:09like families.
18:11Both.
18:11All right.
18:11I was saying,
18:12Yeah.
18:13No, just a man.
18:14Yes.
18:24No.
18:28Yes.
18:30Yes.
18:31Yes.
18:32Yes.
18:34Yes.
18:34Yes.
18:35Yes.
18:36Yes.
18:37Yes.
18:38Yes.
18:40Yes.
18:44You've been working out, Niall?
18:46Certainly has.
18:47Now there's only an inch of space when I cut my hand around his bicep.
18:50Used to be at least two, three maybe.
18:53I'm going to my room.
18:54No, don't!
18:56Sit down, you little killjoy.
19:06We need you to persuade Robin to go to the exam tomorrow.
19:10What? No way.
19:11Niall, please.
19:12Do this for us.
19:14What are you doing?
19:15I'm...
19:15I'm not a kid.
19:17That's exactly what you are.
19:19Go off me.
19:19Come on, you're doing this for me.
19:21Go off me.
19:22Come on, Niall, I need you to do this.
19:24Come on.
19:25Please.
19:25Go off me.
19:26Come on, just this one thing.
19:28No, please.
19:28I said go off me.
19:38I'll take it from you.
19:49Okay.
19:51That...
19:52was a fairly sizable nice fire on our part.
19:57She's making all the effort in the world.
19:59I don't care.
20:00We're not friends.
20:01We never will be.
20:02Come on.
20:04Fancy the pants off of her when you were a wee in.
20:06Remember the love letters we'd send to her house on Valentine's Day?
20:13Fine.
20:14Playtime's over.
20:19Look, will you speak to him at least?
20:20No.
20:21No, he's terrifying.
20:23Oh, come on, Niall.
20:24You wouldn't believe how hard Maura had to work to get Ruben into Dulcanny.
20:27She changed her postcodes and everything.
20:30He's on probation, too, so he needs to show up and pass this prelim for the school.
20:34Kick him out.
20:49All right.
20:52I'll be right back.
20:58Bye.
20:59Bye.
20:59Bye.
20:59Bye.
21:01Bye.
21:29Oh, what do you mean?
21:31Am I speaking for a minute?
21:33That's right, that's due to anyone about
21:35this I will put you to sleep, do you understand?
21:36I won't, I mean I thought it was great
21:39I thought it was great
22:03What do you want?
22:06Just a quick something that's come to me
22:09just now, in the moment
22:12I was thinking about the exam tomorrow
22:15Fuck off
22:15Right you are
22:41Your dad
22:49What about him?
22:52How old are you again?
22:57What did he do again?
22:57I was eight
22:59When he died
23:03What did he do again?
23:09He was a writer
23:11He was a writer
23:11Oh yeah?
23:13I don't remember that
23:15Well he worked in a pub mainly but
23:18he wanted to be a writer
23:20And what did he write about?
23:25Working in a pub
23:32Working in a pub
23:32He was really good though
23:35I read all his stuff
23:37He was so close to getting published in the end
23:39What stopped him?
23:42Well
23:44Death
23:58That's why I want to give it a shot myself, you know
24:00You're right too?
24:02Like that
24:02I keep a diary
24:03That doesn't count
24:04Try sending that to Anne Frank
24:06Who?
24:09No, she was just
24:13No, it doesn't matter
24:24What happened to Gus?
24:29He was a survivor
24:33I just thought with the knife you'd done something, you know, really bad
24:42Almost did
24:43And I'm up against the wall with it
24:45Guppy and like mad
24:47Whispered
24:48It'll be over soon
24:50So he thought for a second
24:51I was going to stick it in him proper
24:54It'll be over soon
24:57Yeah, I love seeing that
25:02You really get a sense of what a cunt looks like when they think they're going to die
25:07Sort of infant like
25:09It's all innocent and shit's weird
25:12That'll be over soon
25:24Night, Bubbers
25:27Night
25:38Oh
25:40Where's your bulldog now, eh?
25:41Back off
25:42Not in the way he tells where the guts is
25:43I don't know
25:44I know what you love with that unbred prick
25:45He found they said something
25:46We don't talk
25:47No
25:48Go
25:49Oi
26:04Leave me alone
26:08Somehow
26:24No
26:25Hello
26:28Hello
26:29Cuando
26:30No
26:30No
26:31Whatéo
26:36Lo
26:38Lo
26:59Let's smoke this, son of a bitch!
27:01Woo! Woo! Come on! Come on!
27:04Pallister, nice of you to join. Please refrain from shouting out.
27:08It's only prelands. Where am I sitting?
27:10There's an empty chair there, two rows along. Please move quietly.
27:55All right, guys. We have ten minutes left.
27:58Ten minutes? Get fucked. Language, Pallister. I started later than everyone.
28:02Well, I'm afraid the onus is on you there.
28:04Piss off, Jenkins. I shagged your mum in her onus.
28:08Pallister! Get back here! Pallister!
28:12Don't you walk away from me, son. Oi! I'm speaking to you.
28:29Pallister!
28:44All right guys, not long now.
29:28This girlfriend.
29:29Oh Jesus, what now?
29:33Reuben passed.
29:35He passed the prelim.
29:37He can stay in school now.
29:40Oh, really?
29:42Yeah.
29:45You helped him, didn't you?
29:47Ah, no, I-
29:48Last night I heard you talking.
29:55I mean that.
29:59I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, mainly because you're a little brat who blames
30:04me for everything.
30:06I do think you could be a positive influence on my boy.
30:13Thanks.
30:15I think.
30:24No, that feels weird.
30:27Let's never do that again.
30:57I've got to keep it done.
30:58Bambi's sleeping.
31:10Isn't it a bit weird doing this or re-nialing her?
31:12No, I don't care.
31:13Yeah.
31:13I passed the prelims today and I did it in a speck of the time and read it off the
31:16fuck
31:16of me.
31:17Stop it, Reuben.
31:18If I swoon anymore, I'm going to put my back out.
31:20Shh.
31:21Shh.
31:22I don't know.
31:22I thought you said you didn't care to where I'm hearing.
31:24I don't.
31:25I just don't want my mum rubbing one out all day.
31:29Yeah.
31:30Take these off.
31:31I want to show you skills.
31:32Get off.
31:32Baby.
31:34Mm.
31:34Mm.
31:36Mm.
31:37Mm.
31:37Mm.
31:39Mm.
31:40Mm.
31:40Mm.
31:40Mm.
31:41Mm.
31:42Mm.
31:43Mm.
31:46Mm.
31:52Mm.
31:59Mm.
32:01Mm.
32:03Mm.
32:04Mm.
32:05Mm.
32:12Yeah.
32:13Caught you, Niall Kennedy.
32:14What?
32:14No, I was sleeping.
32:15Fuck off.
32:17We saw you.
32:17I wasn't.
32:18I was sleeping.
32:18Liar. At least admit it, you little scrote. You were pervy.
32:22Pervy little Niall Kennedy, eh?
32:26So, tell me.
32:28Did you see anything that you liked?
32:35Quite something, huh?
32:38Is this the first time you've seen a naked woman?
32:42In the flesh.
32:46And what do you think?
32:49She...
32:51She looks...
32:52What would you do to her now, if you could have your way?
32:57Go on.
33:00I would... I'd ask her for her permission. Obviously.
33:05Fucking loser, aren't you, Bambi?
33:07Touch my breath, Niall.
33:09What?
33:10Ha-ha.
33:22Yeah.
33:23Let's see how he's getting on, shall we?
33:25Hmm.
33:25What?
33:26No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
33:27No, no, no, no, no.
33:28That's fine, Bambi.
33:29Just relax.
33:30Okay?
33:31Let her do her thing.
33:46Wow.
33:48Nothing.
33:49What's going on?
33:50You got something against Mona?
33:51Is it my boobs?
33:52What?
33:53No, it's just, this isn't how I pictured it.
33:55How does you picture it?
33:56More than one woman.
33:59That's it, isn't it?
34:01Niall here loves group sex.
34:03No, no, my little...
34:04Oh, little Niall Kennedy loves a bit of group sex.
34:08Well, I could assume different characters, if you like.
34:11I could be, uh, Candy, blonde bombshell who lives next door.
34:17Or I could be, uh, Svetlana, Russian warrior of the North.
34:22Oh, she's incredible, isn't she, now?
34:26There's something to keep her.
34:27Uh-uh.
34:28Svetlana is kept by no one.
34:31How's he getting on now, then?
34:33Come on, son.
34:34I got Phil Marks on my stante grades back in the Jane Isle.
34:37I know you love a nerd.
34:41Here.
34:43Just focus on how things feel.
34:45Give me your finger.
34:56Oh, hello.
34:58Here we go, my man.
35:01You ready?
35:26That's it, that's it.
35:28Easy, boy, easy.
35:30Steady, steady.
35:35Trot, don't gallop.
35:40Oh, wow, he's a grower, young Niall.
35:46Oh?
35:50Sorry.
35:51Back you go, mister.
35:52No, no, no, wait.
35:53Stop fighting.
35:54Let her do her thing.
35:56Here, I'll hold it up, Ray.
35:58What?
36:08Hold it, sir.
36:09Hold it.
36:12Hold.
36:12my rhythm
36:32wow he's really going for a night
36:58for fuck's sake did you just call me me
37:02you fucking did you mink
37:03oh no for your feet are all
37:05now son you need to pull out
37:07fuck's sake i better not be pregnant
37:08i'm sorry i didn't mean to it just it came out of nowhere
37:11relax son it's fine
37:13but i mean like what happens now
37:17will i get the virus
37:20what
37:24do you mean aids
37:39lie back you daft gun
37:48so is that it then
37:52that's it bambi
37:55ah
38:01ah
38:38I was just thinking, do you have any hash?
38:49We can bake now, Kennedy. Dark horse, my man!
39:01No Kennedy, eh? Sex guard, drug fiend.
39:55Well, I get the virus.
39:58Oh, I feel like an idea.
40:02Nah, you're good.
40:06I know what you did.
40:09As in?
40:10Here you go.
40:12Oh.
40:17I've never seen her look at me like that before.
40:21I've seen her cry loads.
40:26You know, but...
40:32I like this.
40:34It works.
40:40What did you make of Mona then?
40:43Yeah, I liked her.
40:44Yeah, you fucking did.
40:47You can thank me when you're ready.
40:50Someone had to lose your virginity for you, didn't they?
40:55Oh, come on.
40:56You didn't think that was chance, did you?
40:59There's no way.
41:00There's no way a lassie would take time out from sleeping with me to sleep with you.
41:04I set it up.
41:06My way of saying thanks.
41:12Well...
41:13So come on.
41:14Tell me you loved it.
41:19I loved it.
41:21Yeah, you did.
41:25I should run a brothel or something.
41:27I'm like the Pied Piper of Pussy.
42:12I'm imagining these massive vaginas with legs falling around.
42:37Can I see something?
42:50do you know
42:54around mums
42:55you know
42:58fucking
43:02yeah
43:03right so
43:07does it bother you or something
43:10no
43:11they're not really
43:14as long as they're happy I guess
43:17although they don't seem all that happy
43:25there's a lot you don't know about
43:39yeah
43:41got you something
43:49I'm gonna train you
43:51just in case something happens to me
43:52I need to know you'll look after yourself
43:57why do you care
44:00we're family now
44:03it's the most important thing
44:07my brother
44:08from another lover
44:15come on boys
44:17shoot
44:17and we'll spend bags down by the rabbit
44:23this is gonna be some morning
44:24we'll be floating to school after all that
44:32hey
44:35you've got nothing to worry about with our mums
44:38ten years time you'll be at a party somewhere and realise it makes you more interesting
44:48we have a mess
44:50we have a mess
45:26just cause I ain't never had no nothing worth having never ever never ever
45:36you ain't got no call not to think of what I'm falling to thinking I ain't too
45:41clever
45:45and it ain't not having one thing nor not another either neither is it anything
45:51whatever
45:55and it's not not knowing that there ain't nothing showing in eyes or to the name
46:00of Trevor
46:03however
46:08knock me down with a feather
46:12clever Trevor
46:17why does wonder whether clever Trevor is clever
46:25nor neither have I not got no right to make a clock of Trevor
47:00come on
47:07me
47:19One more, Bombay.
47:21Here.
47:22Have a sip.
47:33Hey, easy.
47:35Sip, don't chug.
47:36Come on.
47:38That's it.
47:40Darn it.
47:48Jesus.
47:49You're dripping.
47:54That's still the cell.
47:56Look at the stadium.
47:58All right.
48:00Hey, it's gonna be okay.
48:03You're gonna be fine.
48:06Come on.
48:07Hey.
48:07Hey, it's gonna be all right.
48:09Don't...
48:10Hey.
48:10Come on.
48:11Nile.
48:12Please.
48:12No.
48:13Please.
48:13Hey, hey.
48:14Sell.
48:15Sell.
48:15Sell.
48:16Sell.
48:17No, no, no, no, no, no.
48:19Sell.
48:19Sell.
48:19Just breathe.
48:20Hey.
48:21Hey.
48:22It's fine.
48:23No, it's fine.
48:24Just settle a bit.
48:25Sell.
48:27Yeah.
48:28Follow my breath.
48:34There's no following my breath.
48:35I can't.
48:36Follow it.
48:37I can't.
48:37Try it.
48:38Yes, you can.
48:38You fucking can.
48:39Come on.
48:40Come on.
48:40Follow it.
49:02Hey.
49:03See?
49:05Look at that.
49:07Yeah.
49:09I said go with it.
49:10Go with it.
49:11No, no, no.
49:12That's it.
49:13That's it, boy.
49:14Just breathe.
49:16Okay.
49:17I'm here for you.
49:20Just keep breathing.
49:22That's it.
49:23That's it, boy.
49:27Don't worry.
49:29It'll be over soon.
49:32I'm here for you.
49:35I'm here for you.
49:43I'm here for you.
49:51I'm here for you.
Comments