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00:00Whoa! How do you do? How do you do? Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy doody, how do you do?
00:07Welcome to the QI Zoo.
00:08Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish?
00:12There's a hagfish, yes?
00:14It releases mucus.
00:16The hagfish?
00:16To defend itself.
00:17It does, yes.
00:18Which works in real life.
00:19If anybody ever comes at me, I just sneeze at them and they're backing off.
00:23Have a look at a hagfish releasing slime and tell me you could produce as much.
00:27Here's someone manipulating it.
00:28What's this?
00:28Oh.
00:31Oh.
00:31That is, that is producing that.
00:33It can turn a bucket of 20 litres of water into slime in minutes.
00:38Great party piece.
00:38Isn't it?
00:39I, I actually think, I think my, I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish.
00:51Yeah, because that's, that's nothing.
00:56To be honest with you, I've got, I've got that on my trousers every morning.
01:01It also can tie itself into knots, which is another impressive thing.
01:05It literally does a slipknot or an overhand knot.
01:07It's quite bizarre.
01:08Well, given the choice, if I had to have special powers, I'd like to be bitten by one of them.
01:13Because excreting mucus would be, you know, because like Spider-Man is all very well, do a bit of climbing
01:19and that.
01:19Slime boy.
01:20Imagine if you just sat in a chair and somebody went, do your thing.
01:25It would be fantastic.
01:27That would be brilliant.
01:27Because if somebody tried to get you in a headlock, you'd just go.
01:31That's exactly it.
01:33That's what it does.
01:33Ross, superheroes are meant to help people.
01:36How would you help people with this mucus?
01:38You know, like Spider-Man helps people.
01:40How would you help people with this mucus?
01:41Oh, there's a child who's got his head in the railings.
01:44Vroom.
01:46Oh, no.
01:47Oh, no.
01:49This...
01:50That one.
01:52That one.
01:53Or...
01:54Oh, this...
01:55Yeah, that's a really good comic book story, isn't it?
01:57This gravy is unnecessarily runny.
02:00Vroom.
02:04What's the key ingredient, then, in the world's nastiest cocktail?
02:09Malibu.
02:10Creme.
02:12Oh, no.
02:15Hey.
02:17Yeah.
02:18I reckon...
02:19I reckon you've got someone, a really good, quick type, if she's going...
02:25Why is a child catcher now working as a barista?
02:28Why is a...?
02:28I suppose it's to suggest nastiness.
02:30It is indeed Sir Robert Heltman.
02:32We're after a nasty cocktail.
02:34Is it a genuine drink?
02:36It's a genuine cocktail that is served in a genuine bar in a genuine place.
02:40In a genuine country.
02:41Does it...
02:41Switzerland?
02:42Canada, Canada.
02:43But this is in the Yukon, in a mining bar.
02:47The downtown hotel of Dawson City.
02:50It's a part of a human being.
02:52An eye?
02:53Toenails.
02:54Well, toenails is good enough.
02:56Toe.
02:56A toe?
02:57Toe.
02:58Yeah.
02:58Well.
02:59The sour toe cocktail is the speciality de la maison in the downtown hotel.
03:04Where did they get the toe?
03:05Yeah.
03:05Well, there's a whole story there.
03:08Oh!
03:09Yeah.
03:10It started in the 1960s when a figure called Captain Dick Stevenson, he'd been all kinds
03:17of things from a male stripper to a miner to a lumberjack, all the way, you know, the
03:20way that men...
03:21All the usual.
03:21Yeah.
03:22Exactly.
03:23And he found himself in an old cabin and there was a pickled toe that had belonged to a rum
03:29runner back in the prohibition days.
03:32And for some reason he thought it would be amusing to offer as a challenge to put it in
03:37alcohol and the idea was you drank it and it became a very popular drink.
03:41You kept the toe though.
03:42It moved from glass to glass but the important thing was, there's a little rhyme, which is
03:46the key, is you can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but the lips have got to touch
03:51the toe.
03:52So...
03:53The toe has to touch.
03:54But unfortunately there was a series of accidents.
03:56In 1980 Gary Younger, a local miner, accidentally swallowed the toe.
04:01So...
04:01So they found another one, this very nice lady called Mrs Lawrence of Alberta, whose middle
04:06toe was amputated due to an inoperable corn, donated it.
04:11So you were then drinking a toe...
04:13Right.
04:13...that not only was amputated but it had a hideous corn on it.
04:18And people, that lasted well.
04:20It didn't have to be alcohol.
04:21I've drunk, I've drunk worse than that.
04:23I've never been at a party once, no glasses, drinking tea in Maria out of a dog bowl.
04:29Wow.
04:30So they're going, no glasses.
04:31Wait.
04:33That, that's just, that's chicken, it's fine.
04:38It's called a side toe.
04:40It's when your voice is played back through the earpiece.
04:45Ah.
04:45So that it, it's slightly amplified.
04:48You hear your own voice back in the ear.
04:49Because you don't on mobile phones except the newest ones.
04:52That's basically...
04:53Well you nearly did a thing that annoyed me then.
04:55Yes.
04:57Um...
04:57It gets annoyed when you've nearly done it.
05:00It's a new thing that I've noticed when people are pretending to talk on the phone and they do that.
05:04Is that getting to you?
05:05It's not that new.
05:05I know what you mean.
05:06You didn't, but that is really starting to get on my nerves.
05:22It's suddenly what you mean.
05:27Oh, you can do the, er...
05:29Well, you've got a touch phone.
05:31I've got an iPhone.
05:31Yeah, I've got an iPhone.
05:32Yeah, I've got an iPhone.
05:34Call me.
05:35I work in a call centre, look.
05:38Hello?
05:39Do I double glaze in?
05:42But since the death of Marcel Marceau, the world of mime has gone to chaos.
05:46Yes.
05:47Absolute chaos.
05:48People don't know what they're doing.
05:49That was a hell of a funeral as well, wasn't it?
06:02But when they, er...
06:04The mad thing was, at the funeral, they didn't use a coffin, they just had them like that.
06:14Now, a lorry load of birds are being weighed on a weighbridge.
06:18At some moment, all the birds simultaneously rise off their perches and flap in the air.
06:24So they're all alive?
06:25They're all alive, yeah.
06:25Oh, yeah, they're all alive, yeah.
06:26Does the lorry weigh less?
06:27Yes.
06:28When they rise up in the air?
06:30Yes.
06:31Well, only if they...
06:32Got a yes and a no.
06:33So they're not in contact with the actual thing, so they know that it would weigh less.
06:37Don't they...
06:37Is it sealed, the lorry?
06:38It's a closed, you know, it's got a tailgate, it's all locked up.
06:41They're inside the lorry, you can't see them, that's just...
06:44But wouldn't there be pressure from the air?
06:46Yeah.
06:46It's not, they don't.
06:47It wears the same and it's got something to do, it's something very similar to, if you
06:52weigh yourself and then you go and do a number two and weigh yourself again, you don't lose
06:56the weight of the number two.
06:57Ah.
07:00Now, there we're in a slightly different territory.
07:02I...
07:03I was so impressed with you.
07:04I was so impressed with you.
07:05I was so impressed with you.
07:05I was so impressed with you.
07:05On the scale, yes sir.
07:09No.
07:12You're right.
07:13The answer is not to poo on the scale.
07:15No.
07:16Leave the scale.
07:18Do the number two.
07:19Come back to this.
07:19You don't lose...
07:20You don't lose it when you're...
07:22You're doing bullshit too.
07:22You're doing bullshit too.
07:23Money I've wasted on animals.
07:24I know, I know.
07:26And I do this.
07:27No, it doesn't, it wears the same and I can't remember the reason why.
07:29I know this.
07:30So they all lift off for exactly the same time.
07:33No, the fact is, it is weight.
07:34It's a bird, the bird lorry system.
07:37It's there in the air.
07:38I know it's weird, but...
07:39Is it sealed?
07:40Is it to do with it being sealed?
07:42Yeah.
07:42Because if you're carrying a bowling ball, and you're on the scales, and then you throw
07:45the bowling ball in the air...
07:46Yeah.
07:47It's your part of something when you're inside it.
07:49Yeah, but because it's sealed...
07:51And the air's moving...
07:52You, you and the air have created that weight, so whenever the birds put themselves within
07:56there, it still weighs the same.
07:58But the interesting question, and you're absolutely right, I mean you can sort of test it.
08:02Yeah, but the interesting question is, if it's an open-top lorry, and they're all sitting
08:06on the perch, and they jump up, and they jump up slightly higher, and then they're actually
08:11out of the system, they're no longer part of the lorry bird system, then it would be lighter.
08:15But where does the phrase, there isn't room to swing a cat, come from?
08:18Cat swinging...
08:19Cat of nine tails, when they're...
08:19Cat of nine tails?
08:21No, it's not that oddly enough, you'd think it was.
08:23It's the kind of thing people think.
08:25It's when they used to flog people with an actual cat.
08:27The phrase is older than the cat of nine tails.
08:29Well, no, they wouldn't flog, they just literally, it means what it says.
08:32It's just a kind of common folk expression, meaning to swing a cat around.
08:35But the first use of Cat of nine tails is 1695 in the English language.
08:39Not the whole...
08:40And at least 40 years earlier than that, there are references to not being able to swing a cat.
08:44It's so disappointing when you find that out.
08:46I think it's good.
08:47I quite like the cat one.
08:48Do you know where the whole nine yards comes from?
08:49The whole nine yards?
08:52Ow!
08:52The whole nine yards.
08:53No, it isn't.
08:54Alan's doing cat stays.
08:55It's American sporting, isn't it?
08:57It's...
08:57Yeah, but how would you swing it, though?
08:58I mean, it is that way, but then there's also that way, up and down.
09:03Round and round.
09:05One thinks by the tail, definitely, whatever.
09:07Do you do it in a big loopy swing, or do you get some speed up?
09:13It'd be nice to find a room where there was enough room to swing a cat in.
09:17Yes, yes.
09:18The cat comes to me and goes,
09:19Oh!
09:22By a whisker.
09:23By a whisker.
09:24Literally.
09:25How would you use one of these to save someone from drowning?
09:30I've got one here.
09:31I'm going to have to put gloves on, because it's a very delicate instrument that I have,
09:34and I'm not allowed to touch it.
09:36It's been lent to us by the Wellcome Collection, which is one of the best medical collections.
09:40Presumably a bellows.
09:41He could save himself by, for example, swimming.
09:44Yeah, but it's...
09:46Rather than go...
09:46Let's imagine somebody had landed up on a beach, almost dead from drowning,
09:51and you had one of these.
09:53Is it a bellows?
09:54It is a bellows.
09:55It's a set of bellows.
09:56Well, let's just pump air into his lungs.
09:57It's easy.
09:58You'd think that, but no.
09:59Up his bum.
10:00Are we saving them for drowning?
10:02Bottom.
10:03Bottom.
10:03Repeat what you said.
10:04Up his bum.
10:05Yes.
10:05So it's up the bottom, but it isn't air.
10:08There's more to it than that.
10:09Is it spit?
10:10Is it air?
10:11No.
10:11Brandy.
10:12You unscrew that, and you put tobacco in.
10:14Are you ordering?
10:15Tobacco?
10:15Yes.
10:16You put tobacco in, you light it.
10:18It's smooth.
10:19Up the bottom.
10:21Basically, if someone...
10:22You were trying to resuscitate someone, and it's not just like someone once wrote it
10:27might be a good idea, and so we've seized on it.
10:29This was general mainstream medical belief, and these were hung up all along the Thames.
10:34On the embankment, and on canals and waterways.
10:37How many people?
10:38And people were expected to know, much as you might be expected to know where a fire extinguisher
10:41was, where the bellows were.
10:43And you fill that with tobacco, and presumably you puff it like a pipe, having washed it from
10:48its previous use, and then, like that.
10:53So it would be next, as it were, the life ring.
10:56Exactly so.
10:57So you throw the ring, then you drag them in.
10:58Yeah, I know it seems bonkers.
11:00What happened apparently in the 17th...
11:02There's an example.
11:04There you are.
11:05This is before this was invented, and you needed someone with a pipe.
11:09Blow man, for God's sake!
11:11Is it sucking or blowing?
11:12I can't remember.
11:16I think it's blowing, is it?
11:18I don't know.
11:19But be sore man, he's drowning.
11:21I'll do both, I'll suck first.
11:23So, is it just the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse, and makes
11:28you sort of splatter back into life?
11:30Who knows, apparently in the 18th century, in the late 1700s, a woman was found drowning
11:37and apparently almost dead, and people tried the normal things, and someone suggested
11:42blowing smoke up her, and it seemed to work.
11:44So there was a point where they went, kiss of life, just wait a second.
11:49Exactly.
11:49One with that pipe.
11:52It would be a beautiful sight though, we've blown the smoke up there, and the person splotters
11:57back to life, and then takes off down with the smoke coming out of that.
12:02Look at the speed they're going at!
12:04That bloke on the left looks like he's going to rob his trousers if he doesn't come round.
12:07He's always a villain in 18th century London.
12:10Well, he's generating the smoke, you see, because they didn't have an all-in-one device like this.
12:14So the one on the right has got the pipe.
12:16Oh, Christ.
12:17So he has to French kiss the bloke in the hat.
12:19Oh, I know.
12:19This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man.
12:23This is the versions of old London, that's what this is.
12:25I think we've got another picture of it as well.
12:27Oh, real people.
12:28Yeah, we can have a...
12:29We did have...
12:29There you are.
12:30Well, yeah.
12:31Well, he's not drowning.
12:33No, well, he's...
12:34He's just in the bug.
12:35He's just in the bugger.
12:36This is that scene from Pulp Fiction.
12:40This is actually...
12:41This is bad, because it means people can say at almost any point, I think I might be drowning.
12:47And also, as if that's bad enough, as if that doesn't look wrong enough, the bloke in the background went,
12:53I think I'll get me donkey in on this.
12:59Oh, when you said blow smoke up my ass...
13:03Oh, beautiful.
13:05Oh, beautiful.
13:08Oh, dear.
13:09I know what a strange world we lived in, but that was mainstream medical science.
13:14Oh, God, that's got stuck in my throat, that one.
13:18The bellows!
13:19Oh, yes!
13:23I went hunting with an Amazonian tribe, with curare tipped darts.
13:28It was a great experience.
13:29It was the Mattis people in Amazon.
13:31In the upper Amazon.
13:33And they sort of...
13:35They're huge, these blow pipes that they use.
13:39And the darts are very, very long and beautifully flighted with the kind of fur of monkeys at the end.
13:45And they just blow them up.
13:46And the thing is, they go a huge distance.
13:49Because they go right to the top of the jungle canopy.
13:51Oh, really?
13:52And they go an enormous distance.
13:53And the thing was, when they said, do you want to have a go at it?
13:57And I said, oh, yeah, okay, yeah, of course.
13:59And I said, no.
14:00And he went, so I went like that.
14:02And he said, no, you've got to aim at the monkey.
14:05There's a monkey, a spider monkey, a howler monkey.
14:07That was a howler monkey at the top of the tree.
14:08And he said, right, go for it.
14:10And I went like that.
14:11And it went, instead of going at the monkey, it went vertically up in the air.
14:15And all the tribes just, they scattered.
14:19Whoa!
14:20And I went like this.
14:21And they all went, whoa!
14:23And I was standing there, I was going, what?
14:26What?
14:26Like that.
14:26And one of them went, get out of the...
14:28Like that.
14:29Because it would have killed you?
14:29It would kill you.
14:31What's the best way to hypnotise either, A, an alligator, B, a tiger shark,
14:36or see a chicken?
14:39I've seen them do it to sharks.
14:41And what do they do?
14:42Don't they lie on their backs or something?
14:44Exactly right.
14:45You flip it over, and it goes...
14:47But can't...
14:48I thought that if sharks have to keep moving in order to survive...
14:52That's right.
14:53Which is why whales have learnt to tip them over in order to make them suffocate,
14:56and that actually will kill them.
14:59There's a very small hammerhead shark being...
15:01That is a toy shark.
15:02It's a toy shark.
15:05Or a really big diver.
15:08Or...
15:09A frighteningly big diver.
15:12I think we'd have heard of him.
15:14I think we would.
15:15The leads are hay.
15:16I think I know how you do chickens.
15:19Yes.
15:20You...
15:20It's weird, because it actually looks like you're oppressing them quite violently.
15:25But you have to hold them to the ground and draw a line.
15:28Yes.
15:29You draw a line from their beak.
15:30Yeah.
15:31Along, and they just stare at it.
15:34That's what they do.
15:37They're not...
15:38But they're not hypnotised.
15:39They're just...
15:40They're just...
15:40They're just...
15:42Wondering what that prat's doing, scribbling around my beak.
15:45It's called tonic immobility in animals.
15:47And that is the example...
15:48There's another way of doing it.
15:49The chickens apparently...
15:50You take a stick or a paddle.
15:52In this case, this is a light flagellation paddle I happen to have in the house.
15:56And you fix eyes to it and you hold it up to it and it will apparently stare at it
16:00forever.
16:01Though our producer tried it on his.
16:03We're the kind of show whose producers have chickens.
16:05That's how cool they are.
16:06And he says it didn't work at all.
16:09They just went off to eat things.
16:10You just made that up, didn't you?
16:12No, no.
16:13It is in all the books, it says.
16:15That is a way to hypnotise it.
16:16In all the books.
16:18In all of the chicken hypnotising books.
16:22How many are there?
16:23Which is why you can't ever let your chickens watch the Muppets.
16:30How would you use one of these to calm a horse down?
16:36Oh, is this...
16:39Calm it down.
16:40Yeah.
16:42Yeah.
16:42With what I'm thinking, I'm not going to calm it down.
16:45Well, in the wrong one it might.
16:47Have these been used?
16:47Because if they're what I think they are, I don't think I want to touch it.
16:50That would be scrupulously keen.
16:51It would only have been on a horse.
16:52Is it something over its nose, over its snout?
16:55It's that big.
16:57On the tail?
16:57You fire an arrow at the horse.
17:01Well, the points have gone to Alan.
17:02It tastes weird.
17:04Alan has identified where it goes.
17:06They're not the full number of points.
17:07Where does it go?
17:08Oh, yes, Claire.
17:09It's a twitch.
17:10It's a twitch.
17:11She knows, she knows, you know.
17:13Well, of course, she knows.
17:14She's Claire Bolling.
17:15Yes, of course.
17:17I couldn't let Alan get any more about it.
17:19I thought, yeah, I'll give it a go.
17:20And then he was like, nearly right.
17:21Yeah, they are.
17:22So, imagine you have to give medication.
17:25Oh, I mean, it's like, here, here, I'll do it.
17:27Here, I'll do it.
17:28Whoosh!
17:28Toing!
17:30This is in Carl and me.
17:32This is whose line is it anyway from, like, ten years ago?
17:36Imagine you're giving a horse medication or something.
17:39They're very nervous animals and they don't like being fiddled around with any more than anyone else.
17:44But the trouble is, when they are uncomfortable, they can hurt themselves as much as they can hurt a vet
17:49or anyone attending them because they strike out.
17:52So you need to calm a horse down.
17:54And there's a very magical thing about horses.
17:57It's most peculiar.
17:58And what is it, Claire?
17:59If you take their top lip.
18:01Yeah.
18:01And basically, you can do it with your hands and you can do it with a bit of rope.
18:03This to me looks a little bit severe.
18:05I've never seen one quite like this.
18:06There it is.
18:06And you basically take their top lip and they won't move.
18:09They just go into a state of almost trance, like...
18:12And it's a bit like the old rabbits in the headlight freeze.
18:16It makes them go completely...
18:18Yeah.
18:18And then you can...
18:19Yeah, like that.
18:19You can administer a...
18:21He's gone.
18:22Alan needs a horse.
18:25Yeah.
18:28Give him the drugs now, give him the drugs.
18:30They need them now.
18:31You can sing at the same time.
18:32Actually, with some, you can do it with their ear and it has the same effect.
18:35How did they find that out?
18:37Well, you know...
18:37There should be a lot of experimentation going on.
18:39The...
18:40Well, I suppose we'll try the...
18:41That went badly.
18:42Let's try the lip now.
18:45It's a...
18:45It was thought, originally, that it was...
18:47Almost that it was a distraction.
18:49And that, you know, it's like a...
18:50If you did that, it couldn't concentrate on something else happening to it.
18:53But it was discovered that it...
18:55Well, it releases endorphins.
18:56It just gets blissed out.
18:58It's rather nice to know.
18:59Because it looks...
18:59It looks a bit cruel, though.
19:04I'm fine, I'm fine.
19:04That's no good.
19:07What is the roundest thing in the universe?
19:11Yeah?
19:12No, just saying.
19:13Oh, no, Bill!
19:16Is it a black hole?
19:18It's that kind of a deal.
19:20It's when a supernova has a gravitational collapse,
19:23it turns into something called a...
19:25A neutron star.
19:26No, right.
19:27Oh, the neutron star!
19:29They're really round.
19:31That's not round!
19:32No, that's not round!
19:34That's a supernova, I think.
19:36That's a supernova.
19:37Going supernova.
19:38Then show us the round thing!
19:43The reason...
19:44You're very upset, aren't you?
19:46Yeah!
19:48It only has a diameter of about 15 miles or so,
19:51and there isn't one near enough for you to be able to see it with a naked eye.
19:53You ever notice how we always have to take Stephen's work for it?
19:57But what's interesting is that if I had a thimble full of a neutron star,
20:01it would weigh more than a mountain.
20:04Yeah, but you're done!
20:06Yeah, all right!
20:07I'll tell you what.
20:08Imagine how confused the old woman down in your socks would be
20:11if you had a thimble full of it.
20:13She was just trying to fix a hole,
20:15and it was all space and time coming out of a thimble.
20:19That's no way to treat the elderly.
20:21You're right.
20:22When you've got a good cleaning lady, you want to hang on to them.
20:25You don't want to mess around.
20:27I'm leaving, Mr. D. Why?
20:29Well, because of all this space business with your thimbles.
20:31I don't like it.
20:32Could you give us your impression
20:34of the average World War II British...
20:40Oh, dear.
20:41The average British World War II fighter pilot.
20:44They're hilarious on the end.
20:49That is a character.
20:51I'm going to...
20:52Someone's got to write a sitcom around Dave Mitchell's character.
20:56You look like you're posing with a very successful team
21:01of kind of novelty Air Force fans.
21:04You've just agreed to have your photograph taken with them
21:06for your birthday.
21:07I know you're not, but if they'd invented gaydar instead of radar...
21:12I'm sorry to say, that would mark high.
21:15I am...
21:18I'm ordering these helmets for my wife's birth.
21:22I see, I think in this war film, I think I die about two-thirds of the way through.
21:28It breaks the heart of the audience.
21:30Oh, yeah, yeah.
21:30And he fires the hero.
21:32Yeah.
21:32Everyone goes and kills a load of Germans as a revenge for my death.
21:36And I'm the old First World War hero with a gammy leg
21:38who runs and watches them come back and cries because of that.
21:41I don't think Alan dies.
21:42No, Alan's dead.
21:43I think you make it to...
21:44I think I die.
21:45You think I'm going to live.
21:47You're dead.
21:47And then right near the end, I die.
21:49I like Von Ryan's Express as I'm running towards the train.
21:52Oh, the train.
21:52Yeah.
21:53I get shot at the end.
21:54Right.
21:54I'm the plucky woman who was just supposed to do the radio.
21:57She's been forced to fly one of the planes.
22:00You look as if you could do it.
22:00You've got your Sergeant Stripes there.
22:02I look rather fine.
22:02How would it happen with the pilot talk?
22:04That's the thing.
22:06Ah.
22:06Red beater, red beater, the bus.
22:10We've got a lovely team today who will be furnishing you with the easy kiosk.
22:16Stripes clouds.
22:18Astros.
22:18Astros.
22:19Like that.
22:20Clean up in aisle three.
22:22Yes.
22:23So what sort of people were there?
22:24I mean, that's what we're really after.
22:25Well, I...
22:26What sort of people?
22:27Yes.
22:27Well, it's both in the opposite class.
22:29They're always posh.
22:30That's right.
22:31No.
22:32I think it was when you were on.
22:34That's the odd thing.
22:35They so weren't.
22:37Only 30% of all British fighter pilots in the Battle of Britain went to public school.
22:41So...
22:41And in fact, of that 30%, they were mostly minor public schools.
22:44And of the Eton Harry Winchester or the top 13, there was only 8%.
22:47Oh!
22:48It's just the actors that played them were posh then.
22:50That's the point.
22:51In the war films during and afterwards, you're Kenny Smalls and you're David Nivens and so on,
22:55who were, you know, speaking like that and it got...
22:58Did the Germans know we were sending up the lower classes?
23:01There we go, there we go, there we go.
23:04You've become someone who has got no manners whatsoever!
23:15The very first time I went, did scuba diving, I made the basic error.
23:19You have a big lead weight belt and a big buoyancy jacket.
23:23Lovely, floaty, floaty buoyancy jacket.
23:25Very heavy lead weight.
23:27Which ones you can take off first?
23:30Uh...
23:31So I took the buoyancy jacket off, handed it to the bloke in the...
23:39And I dropped...
23:40And he just grabbed my hand and I went...
23:42I thought I could die, but I was laughing.
23:44And I was in battle, like, oh, what am I like?
23:46Oh, I'm dying.
23:49Wouldn't it be awful if your last words were, what am I like?
23:55From testing spells, you'll like this, to spelling tests.
23:59Oh, that's good.
24:00Oh, that's good.
24:01I before E, fingers on buzzers.
24:03Accepting after...
24:04Please!
24:05C.
24:06Oh!
24:09No, that just isn't a rule.
24:11And why isn't it a rule?
24:13Because of...
24:13Because of words were...
24:15Words were not.
24:16Yeah.
24:17E becomes four I after C.
24:18Because there are more exceptions to the rule than the rule itself,
24:21by quite a long way.
24:22Oh, it's counted.
24:23C-Link.
24:24They've been counted.
24:25Would you like to know?
24:26God.
24:27Yeah, yeah.
24:28There are 923 English words that have a C-I-E in them.
24:33Do we have to name them all?
24:35No.
24:35You're let off, but name some.
24:37Happy New Year.
24:37C-Link.
24:38No, that's C-E-I.
24:43The hot...
24:44C-E-I, that's what you said?
24:45No, no, no.
24:46The rule, the supposed rule is...
24:49I before E, except after C, so...
24:50C-Link.
24:51In fact, there are 923, which break that rule.
24:54Receive, receive.
24:55So hang on, if it's I before E, except after C...
24:57Yeah.
24:57...we're looking for words where E follows C, aren't we?
25:00No.
25:01No.
25:01No.
25:02The rule is, it should be C-E-I, according to that.
25:06C-E-I.
25:06Oh, well you're saying...
25:07I'm saying it's wrong.
25:08There are 923 examples.
25:09I know one, which it isn't.
25:11Yeah.
25:11Ceiling.
25:11That's not one.
25:13No!
25:13Ceiling isn't one.
25:14No!
25:15Ceiling isn't one of the ones you're looking for.
25:17Yes, I want the ones I am looking for.
25:18That's right.
25:19So I repeat my answer and I say not ceiling.
25:21Me, I'm looking for the ones I'm looking for.
25:22You're looking for the ones you're looking for.
25:24So give me a C-I-E.
25:25Ceiling?
25:27Right.
25:28I may explode at any minute.
25:30C-I-E.
25:31Receipt is C-I-E.
25:33Yeah, those are the ones that conform to the rule.
25:35Okay, the rule is looking pretty good right now, because...
25:38Glacier?
25:39Species?
25:40Yes, well, yes.
25:41But now I know them and I didn't think I knew anything.
25:43Yeah.
25:44The point is there are lots and lots and lots.
25:46These are ones with E-I without the C in front, obviously,
25:49as well as the C-I-E, concierge.
25:51Oh, you don't even have to have a C in it now.
25:52No, they're E-I.
25:54Are you incapable of rational thought?
25:59You cannot be that stupid.
26:01You really cannot be that stupid.
26:03Stephen, can I just say, you really are going to have to work on your Bruce Fallso.
26:07Are you really capable of rational thought?
26:10I mean, really.
26:11This is not an expression game.
26:12I tell you.
26:12Are you a human being?
26:14I don't think you are.
26:15No, no.
26:16Work it out.
26:17These words don't count.
26:18They're not even English words.
26:19Well...
26:20You can't have a hacienda and concierge.
26:22Yeah, but there are...
26:22The point is there are 21 times as many words that break the rule than don't.
26:27However, if you want to spell ceiling...
26:29If you want to spell ceiling...
26:30Or receipt.
26:32Or conceit.
26:33Or deceit.
26:34Yeah.
26:34But if you want to spell veil and weird...
26:38Yeah, but there's no C in them.
26:40No.
26:42It's I before E.
26:43Every time.
26:44Except after C.
26:45But in we're...
26:46Oh, I see.
26:47Yeah.
26:47They're exactly...
26:49They're exactly...
26:50God!
26:52I see.
26:52You cannot be that stupid!
26:54What?
26:55He said it and you're looking at me!
26:56You said it and you're looking at me!
26:58That's why I get the blame for his stupidity!
26:59I've got my own done for you!
27:03Wow!
27:04Daniel, you're the only person on this show who isn't a complete idiot.
27:07What?
27:08I'm not...
27:08I'm not...
27:09I'm not...
27:10I'm not...
27:10I'll show you what I am.
27:11That's why I'm keeping so quiet.
27:13That's why I'm keeping so quiet at this moment.
27:15What about my surname?
27:16Am I spelling that right?
27:17There's an I and an E in there.
27:19It's I before E always.
27:21Yeah, always.
27:21According to the rule...
27:23Yeah, but the rule's wrong, Stephen.
27:24But the rule is wrong.
27:25What?
27:25Yes, it's now officially no longer taught in schools.
27:28Okay.
27:28Because it is so clear.
27:30Oh, really?
27:30Is it not at all taught in?
27:31It's not taught in.
27:32The rule now is it's I before E or sometimes it's E before I.
27:35Mostly...
27:37Mostly after C, it's IE.
27:39If in doubt, look it up, you lazy git.
27:42I before E except for the following 9.23.
27:45I'm sorry.
27:47I'm sorry.
27:48I'm sorry.
27:49I'm sorry.
27:50Ceiling.
27:50I was talking about every while you were saying.
27:50Yeah?
27:52Oh, baby.
27:54That's bad.
27:54We had to sleep.
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