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00:00I can't believe I just need a mad person.
00:02I remember the early ages when the troubles in Northern Ireland were quite high,
00:07and myself and Hugh Laurie and Robert Bathurst, who were doing this comedy show,
00:10we'd all just had handcuffs, and we were in this dark green mini-buff,
00:16and we looked like soldiers, we looked like young...
00:18You didn't.
00:19Yeah, and so, because I obviously, I was thin then,
00:23and I looked like an officer, and...
00:28We put our faces against the window, and went,
00:30We're trying to look like a Variety Sunshine bug,
00:36so that the R.A. wouldn't shoot us.
00:43Oh, dear, oh, dear.
00:45It's shaming, shaming.
00:46Don't shoot us the Variety Sunshine bug.
00:50Because Terry's always got that sort of sentimental heart to them.
00:53Can you do that action again? I just want to see that again.
00:55No, no, no, no.
00:57It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
01:01Excuse me, everyone.
01:03I think they forgot to put a camera on me, because I'm a fucking girl.
01:09No, no, no.
01:18I use that shot every time.
01:20I look brilliant.
01:21It's a little bit each time, exactly.
01:26Sorry, do you want a proper one?
01:28Oh, right, this is excellent.
01:30This is actually the opening round one.
01:32Oh, my God.
01:32Where I announce how everybody goes.
01:34Yes.
01:34So, I'll lead into it for you, Joe.
01:37You know, when I'm cued, I'm getting a voice in my ear.
01:39So, just for Joe.
01:41But first, are we... Is that a cue?
01:42But first, an equipment test.
01:44Joe goes...
01:55An extra point. What do Australians call, um, uh, uh, a prawn?
02:00Shrimp.
02:01Oh, no, dear old, dear old, dear old, dear old, dear old, I'll call it a yabby.
02:06No, no, it's a... No, they call it a prawn.
02:10A yabby.
02:10The reason you might have thought it was a shrimp is, you remember, Paul Hogan had the Foster's thing, put
02:15another shrimp on the barbie.
02:16Shrimp on the barbie, mate.
02:31A corporation.
02:33And did you care?
02:35I was only discussing this the other day with a vicar.
02:39There you are.
02:40Anyway, let's have a look at the scores.
02:41And he stroked my barbie pink boots.
02:43Oh, really?
02:44Prawns aren't pink till you've cooked in mine.
02:46They're horrible.
02:46They're horrible slimy grey, aren't they?
02:48You wouldn't eat one if you saw it raw.
02:50No.
02:50They are really maggots, when you look at them.
02:52They aren't just maggots of the sea, aren't they?
02:53Well, they feed off, uh, effluent pipes.
02:56Mmm.
02:57They do.
02:57They swim around.
02:58That's where they feed.
02:58They swim around the ship pipes.
02:59They pump stuff out to sea.
03:01Yep.
03:01There's not much to recommend them, really, is it, when you think about them?
03:04Bloody nice and alicado.
03:05Delicious.
03:07And you also have to pull the little black gut liner, the little entrance.
03:10You know that cocktail sauce, prawn cocktail sauce?
03:12Mary Rose, yeah.
03:13Ketchup and mayonnaise?
03:14Yes, that's right.
03:15That's all you need?
03:16Yeah.
03:18That's what it is.
03:20They're like four talking lolly sticks, aren't they?
03:26If 2,000 coleopterists discovered four new species a day each,
03:31how long would it take them to discover 10 million species?
03:33Oh, you're...
03:34Four, thirty, six and a half, two, three, and then take care of the six,
03:38and then then four, and then four, and then five, and then five, and ten,
03:41ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten, ten...
04:05I
04:05Bombardier beetles they squirt a mixture of extraordinary thing called hydroquinone
04:14I'm trying to bring anybody is that you're thinking what Alan is in the moat outside the castle of knowing
04:25We've pulled up the drawbridge. Yeah, I tell you it is interesting and I will find it interesting
04:30Yeah, it is it's a mixture of there are two chemicals hydroquinone and hydrogen peroxide
04:34We know is very strong and and what's called the disinhibited chemical and these they come out of the ass
04:44Thank you the take and they explode and it's at a temperature of
04:49400 degrees Celsius, but it's squirt out of the back of the bombardier beetle
04:53So basically if your roots are showing a bit
04:55You can just get a bombardier beetles to give you a hydrogen peroxide bleaching
04:59I know this is like meant to be quite interesting
05:04But can you foresee any situation in the future in which we might be able to use this information?
05:12In our lives to it's extraordinary
05:15It's always the children who say sir sir. What's the point of geometry?
05:19Or what's the point of latin who end up having no job being alcoholic and they don't notice that the
05:24ones who actually
05:26Find knowledge for its own sake and pleasure and information in the history and in the world and nature around
05:31us
05:31Actually getting on and doing things with their fucking language
05:35You know it's so
05:37You know it's so
05:39It's an odd thing
05:42Someone told me that Morph the plasticine man is called Morph after morphine
05:47And Charlie is white mate
05:49What are you saying about Teddy Hart?
05:54Morph and Charlie are heroin and cocaine
05:57Good
05:58No because he morphs his shape metamorphosis
06:01It's a clever double meaning come on you're brighter than that
06:03Oh
06:05I don't know the idea that Tony Hart has even heard of Charlie
06:08I don't think it's his idea to name them
06:10Oh I see
06:11I think he's one of these
06:12We thought of a great name for them Tony
06:13Captain Pugwash
06:15Yes I don't think
06:15I think it's one of these urban myths
06:19Tell us all you can
06:20For the next question
06:21About the great London beer disaster
06:24What year are we talking about?
06:261814
06:261814 there was a beer disaster
06:28There was a big brewery there called the Myrne brewery
06:31Right and it had a huge 22 foot vat
06:35Which just broke and it had thousands of gallons
06:39Seven and a half thousand gallons or something like that of beer inside it
06:42And it broke other vats and it washed out into the slums of St. Giles
06:47Which is round about where Centerpoint is now
06:50And nine people were killed
06:52They were drowned by this great wave of beer
06:54So it wasn't cirrhosis then?
06:55No
06:55The whole place for months after it smelled of beer
06:59And the public was so fascinated by it
07:01They would come and visit
07:02And some of the dead bodies were kept
07:03In their little hovels
07:04For the public to pay to see them
07:06It's come see my dead husband who was drowned by the
07:08In the great beer disaster
07:10Were they preserved in the alcohol?
07:11It was very strong beer
07:13It was porter rather than what we would think of as beer
07:17Morris dancing is a world away from modern folk music
07:21That's about fertility isn't it?
07:22The maypole was a huge willy
07:24It's a great big penis
07:25A very big stripy penis
07:27With huge flaps coming down from it
07:30Why did it tie ribbons around the penis?
07:34Well
07:34No but really no
07:35How did that come about?
07:36Would you stab it in the desk at school?
07:39If you did
07:40If you did
07:41For example
07:43I mean that's just a thought
07:44Do you know what Russian soldiers used to do in the war?
07:48They could chop it off because it was frozen solid
07:50You mightn't want to record this either
07:54Russian soldiers used to get ducks
07:56And they'd put the duck's head in a drawer
08:04You're already there
08:05And then the duck would be revealed
08:07Presented the part that they were interested in
08:09And as they were in there
08:11His little feet would be going
08:13Oh
08:13Which would add a sort of rhythmic pulse
08:16Add a sort of rhythmic pulse
08:17And that would be nice
08:17Just you know
08:18That's how their tanks worked
08:20Yeah
08:21That's how they powered them
08:22And then at the moment
08:22You just slam the drawer shut
08:24Oh
08:26That's so unkind
08:27It
08:27Well you could then eat it I suppose
08:29I'm not saying it's a good thing
08:30No
08:30Hence the phrase
08:32Fuck a duck
08:33There you go
08:36Manna means what is it in Hebrew
08:38Manna
08:39Yeah but so what is it from heaven?
08:40What is it from heaven?
08:41Well
08:41Yeah
08:42The Israelites were crossing
08:44Crossing the desert
08:45And God
08:45To feed them
08:46Because they'd be running away
08:48He dropped
08:49He dropped
08:49Stuff called
08:51Manna
08:52Which we don't quite know what it is
08:53But it was apparently
08:55Rather the shape of a coriander seed
08:56Tasted like a wafer of honey
08:58Why do people believe all this stuff Stephen?
09:01Well it's
09:02Whether you believe it or not
09:03Television's ruined butan
09:04This stuff is responsible
09:06For some serious aggravation in the world
09:08People believe it all
09:10For God's sake
09:10This particular
09:11They do believe it all
09:13They don't
09:13Bronze age mythology
09:14They believe it all
09:15People believing in Manna
09:16It doesn't really upset me
09:17Or anybody sensible
09:18As much as say
09:19I don't eat meat
09:20I don't eat meat
09:21And someone actually said to me
09:22Someone who should remain nameless
09:23Really angrily
09:24Animals were put on earth
09:26For us to eat
09:27What does he mean by that?
09:29Put by who?
09:30That's silly
09:30Of course that's silly
09:31Of course it is
09:32I said you can eat one if you want
09:33But don't shout at me
09:33About being put there
09:35Like at some big toy farmyard
09:37You're a clever
09:38Why do they believe it all?
09:40Can't they just go
09:41That was mad
09:41I thought that was true for a minute
09:45Why do they believe it?
09:47Because they are
09:48Because they are foolish
09:49And ignorant
09:49They need to believe it
09:51They need to believe it
09:52There's a distinction to be drawn
09:53Between those who claim to have access
09:56To revealed truth
09:57And therefore claim to know
09:59What happens to us after we're dead
10:00On the basis of a text
10:02Whether it's a Quran or a holy bible
10:03Why do people believe then?
10:04Which is nonsensical
10:05And if they want to believe it
10:06They're fine
10:07But they mustn't push it down our throats
10:09And they mustn't tell me
10:10Whom I'm allowed to go to bed with
10:11And whom I'm not allowed to go to bed with
10:12It's not acceptable
10:13Anybody who tells me
10:14What happens to me after I'm dead
10:15Is either a liar or a fool
10:16Because they don't
10:17No
10:18That's what I mean
10:19That's right
10:20Oh I know
10:20It's starting to move
10:22I don't mind
10:23No
10:23I don't mind
10:24The myth of the Jewish people
10:26Having manna dropped on their heads
10:28That doesn't actually matter
10:29That's no more different
10:30That's like Greek myth
10:31Or any other myth
10:31That's fine
10:32But when it gets to telling people
10:33How to behave
10:33Is where we do draw the line
10:36There's a polar bear jail
10:37In Manitoba
10:39What?
10:40The polar bears
10:41You don't want to be banged up in there
10:43I don't want to be banged up anywhere
10:48It's in the town of Churchill in Manitoba
10:50It holds up to 23 polar bears
10:52One polar bear sat in the corner with a harmonica
10:56Churchill's right on the Hudson Bay
10:57It's above the tree line
10:58Very good
10:59Yes
11:00It's the coldest town in Canada
11:02Yes
11:03Which is why
11:03And of course bears live quite close by
11:05And what crimes do they commit
11:06Well they come in
11:07They come in
11:08Or are they just like these
11:09People shifted in a tennis club
11:10They're just
11:11They're just arrested and put somewhere
11:13Well some things are
11:14Exactly
11:14Without so much as an employer
11:15Or anything
11:16They're made to wear orange boiler suits
11:19Which for a polar bear is disastrous
11:23Do they have to have their photos
11:25And they stood there like
11:31There's some guy in Germany
11:32That like taking the endangered species
11:34And would phone zoos
11:35Whenever their tigers died and things
11:37They go
11:37I'll buy it
11:41I only want the leg
11:42Come on
11:43Come on
11:44Four arms and neck are over the leg
11:46Oh yeah
11:47You've got a rhinoceros who's not too well
11:50So you serve roast panda and things like that
11:53Yeah
11:53Honestly this guy
11:54And he got caught with a freezer
11:56Full of endangered meat
12:00The bloke who's
12:02Who wrote the hokey coke
12:03He died recently
12:04He was 93
12:07Yes go on
12:08Do you love it?
12:09I do but
12:10Tell the ladies and gentlemen
12:12I've got anyone that doesn't know
12:13And you can just come down
12:14And he can tell it's here
12:18Go on
12:19Well they
12:19At the funeral
12:20They
12:20Where does it go?
12:24They went to put him in his coffin
12:25They put his left leg in
12:27Then the fucking trouble started
12:29That's the one
12:30That'll do
12:32That'll do
12:32That probably won't be in the actual broadcast
12:38What's quite interesting about young single female turkeys
12:45Do they wear the pained expression of much older married turkeys?
12:51Well they might do
12:52Oddly enough
12:53Do they have male genitals
12:56And
12:57You're very close
12:59In a strange little way
13:00Socks
13:01Socks
13:02Socks was just going too far
13:03It's not that they have male genitals
13:05But they don't need males
13:09In a very particular way
13:10Like most female
13:11Right
13:13Sorry
13:13They can impersonate themselves
13:15With a turkey baster
13:20Very pleasing idea
13:21Or is it sort of
13:22I mean
13:23I don't need you
13:24They can
13:26They can give birth without breeding
13:28What's called parthenogenesis
13:29Sort of virgin birth
13:30And it's quite common in other reptiles and things
13:33Snakes and lizards and so on
13:35So the virgin mary
13:36This won't stay in
13:41Could have been the turkey
13:42Little more than a turkey bird
13:45Little more than a turkey
13:47Exactly
13:48A thanksgiving turkey
13:50Slightly glamorised by the catholic church
13:52If only I'd realised that
13:54And I could have played her in the nativity play
13:58I look most like a turkey
13:59Go on
14:00That's why we have turkeys at christmas
14:03Why?
14:04The virgin mary was a turkey
14:09Eleven million turkeys get eaten in britain every christmas
14:13That's a beautiful fact
14:14There's a lot of them isn't it
14:16Yeah
14:16You never ever see one
14:19You do if you come from Norfolk like me
14:21Yeah
14:21You can hear them in the underground sheds
14:23That they live in
14:24They live in vast turkey bunkers
14:27Under the Norfolk broads
14:29They've genuinely experimented
14:30Well you see them crammed into sort of
14:32You know
14:33Crates
14:33Help us Stephen
14:35Stephen
14:37Fuck up
14:39Holy is your gobble mate
14:41They are
14:42Sorry
14:43I'm supposed to hear that
14:45They
14:46Yeah
14:47But
14:47Say a fry
14:48Bernard Matthews
14:49This probably won't go out because you'll sue
14:51But I do know this is true
14:52Because I knew an employee
14:53Is he a twat?
14:54Well no
14:54Well yes
14:55But he employed someone to work on the idea
14:58Because his checks were getting so fat
15:01And their breasts so enormous
15:02They were falling over
15:03Forwards
15:04They were overbalanced
15:05They couldn't stand
15:06And he genuinely wanted the idea of
15:09Developing one with a third leg
15:10Under its breast
15:11Which would both support it
15:13And be an extra joint
15:14Has he spoken to Jordan?
15:16It's horrifying
15:21Catfish have the most taste buds of any living thing
15:24Got a bit they're fussy then
15:25Yes they would be
15:26Like cats
15:27Yeah
15:28Yeah
15:29But not only of course
15:30Wouldn't they be able to tell what chocolate is
15:32But it would be toxic
15:33It would kill them
15:34Kill them?
15:35Yeah it's actually poisonous to us
15:36But the lethal dose is quite high
15:38It contains
15:39I've got clothes
15:42That's in the phrase
15:43Death by chocolate
15:43Do you have a whole tin of quality street
15:45Would that kill you?
15:47I reckon about 22 pounds
15:49Is the lethal dose for a human
15:50That's nothing
15:52Nothing
15:57Winston Churchill said a very wise thing
15:59He said
15:59He said I like pigs
16:01He said cats
16:02Look down at you
16:04Dogs look up at you
16:05But pigs regard you as an equal
16:08I think pigs are wonderful
16:09Don't you?
16:10The thing is
16:11Pigs are carnivorous aren't they
16:13Because there's a farm around
16:14They're carnivorous yes
16:14Where I lived when I was a child
16:17And he had a heart attack in the pig pen
16:19And it ate him
16:20I read about it
16:21I know it's not funny
16:22But it's quite interesting
16:23No
16:26When the kids come up to you
16:27They go
16:27Are you on telly
16:28Or are you off telly
16:29I've seen you off the telly
16:31Yes you've seen me now off the telly
16:32But before you'd only seen me on the telly
16:34Then why are you composing an answer?
16:35They steal your mobile
16:39But what did they do to you?
16:40That's showbiz
16:41What did they do to you involving bamboo?
16:46Oh yeah
16:47Amazing story
16:49They nicked my car with it
16:50Well they got a bamboo cane with a hook on the end
16:53And they put it through the let box
16:55And got my car keys
16:57And when they found the car later
16:59Crashed
17:00It still had the bamboo cane in it
17:01As if they were going to crash it
17:02Get the cane out and nick another one
17:05And so the long night wears on
17:06And then there was another kid
17:07Came in the front door
17:08He'd got the front door keys
17:11Found him in my kitchen
17:13Was he violent or was he
17:15No
17:15I was wearing only a t-shirt
17:19You could have been arrested
17:21It's two o'clock in the morning
17:22And I've said
17:24Did the judge believe your story?
17:26Did the police
17:27In the kitchen?
17:33If you do have a burger in the house
17:35Flash him and he'll leg it
17:38He will leg it
17:41Well of course it was onan in the bible
17:42Where apparently all the inhabitants
17:45Were masturbators
17:46Hence onanism being a word for
17:48For it
17:48And Dorothy Parker called her parrot
17:50Onan
17:50Because quoting the bible
17:51It spilled its seed on the ground
17:55Quoting the bible
17:56The people of onan spilled
17:57It spilled their seed on the ground
17:59And apparently were cursed for that reason
18:01Curse?
18:01Yes
18:02Instead of doing it into a tissue
18:03Or a sock
18:03Or something like that
18:09You know Kinsey
18:10As in the Kinsey report
18:12He shocked America in the 50s
18:14With his revelations
18:15About firstly the American male
18:17And then the American female
18:17Simply by asking them all questions
18:20Known as the deafening report
18:22The Kinsey report
18:22And it shocked me
18:23And one of the things it said
18:24Was that 90% of all American males
18:27Masturbated regularly
18:27And this journalist said to Kinsey
18:29You know
18:30What does it say about our people
18:31What does it say about America
18:32Dr Kinsey
18:33That 90% of American males
18:35Admit that they masturbate regularly
18:36And he says
18:37It tells us that 10% of males are liars
18:42The procedure was as follows
18:43The candidate was placed on a bed
18:45And asked once again
18:46If he would ever regret castration
18:48If the answer was no
18:50He was bound with tight bandages
18:52Given a bowl of nerve-stunning herbal tea
18:54And his genitals were then dipped
18:57In extremely hot chilli sauce
18:59To desensitise them
19:01Don't you?
19:02Both penis and testicles
19:04Were then swiftly cut off
19:06With a small curved knife
19:07In one single movement
19:08Then
19:09A metal plug
19:12Was immediately inserted
19:14Into the remains
19:15Of the root of the urethra
19:16And the entire wound
19:18Was bandaged
19:18And left to heal
19:19So it was a little metal teapot
19:20Out of which to pee
19:21Once it had all healed
19:22Can I just say
19:23That doesn't sound dissimilar
19:25From what happens to blokes
19:26If they go to a special clinic
19:28To have tests
19:29For venereal disease
19:31Oh, with the thing up the urethra
19:33Yeah, you get like
19:34A little umbrella thing
19:37The thought of it was just horrifying
19:39It's kind of metal
19:39It's like a cocktail umbrella
19:40And they kind of push it
19:41Right down
19:44And as they pull
19:45As they pull it back
19:46It kind of opens out
19:47That's a scrape
19:47Scrapes the inner
19:49That's bad luck, isn't it?
19:50Well, you do want that
19:50Well, it's not actually
19:52A medical procedure
19:52They just do it for a laugh
19:58That's you
19:59Bless you
20:00Oh, I'm sorry
20:01Oh
20:04That's right
20:04It's a good editing point
20:06Yeah
20:06I apologise particularly
20:08To the sound department
20:09For that
20:09Those
20:09Those particles
20:18Why was this such a hotly contested event
20:20The Toronto Stork Derby
20:22Yes, Rich, you're going for your
20:23No, you're not
20:25You tease
20:26It's the provisions of a very eccentric will
20:28Which left a prize
20:30It's like some 50s Ealing comedy
20:32This very eccentric, very rich man
20:34Left a prize
20:35To the woman
20:38Who could give birth to the most children in 10 years
20:42Yes
20:42Oh
20:43And it was called the Stork Derby
20:45And then the Stork delivering a child
20:47And there was great fuss about it
20:49Because two women gave birth to 10 children in that 10 years
20:53But amongst them was a stillborn child
20:55And three or four obvious bastards
20:57And the judges talked about this
20:59And used the phrase obvious bastards
21:02And eventually
21:03Because the money actually became worth more and more
21:05Because it was actually in stock
21:06Which was highly successful for some tunnel
21:09So it was worth about $750,000 by the end of it
21:12Canadian
21:13But eventually four women who gave birth to nine children
21:16Shared the prize
21:17And the two who were disqualified
21:18Were given 12 and a half grand each
21:20He had other weird provisions in his will
21:22He left
21:23He left shares in racetracks
21:25To anti-gambling clerics
21:27And shares in breweries
21:30To prohibitionists
21:31He was a weird old fella
21:33Millard
21:36Well it isn't anything
21:37There's no such animal
21:38There's a panther
21:39There's a black panther
21:40Well there's a black panther
21:41There's a name given to criminals
21:43And to various other things
21:44But no, it's a black leopard
21:46The panther is a Greek word meaning all beasts
21:49So it covers all kinds of things
21:51But there's no actual animal called a panther
21:52Oddly enough
21:53Cougars, jaguars
21:54I am a panther
21:55If you like
22:00But scientifically it is applied to cats
22:02I'm quite happy with that
22:03Technically
22:04Technically you have
22:06Panthera leo is a lion
22:09And panthera tigris is a tiger
22:11You're a panther
22:12A panther
22:13A panther
22:13Joe's
22:14I want to be a terrible super asthmatic
22:19Super asthmatic
22:20Here he comes now
22:30You've got someone in a second
22:32You've killed your asthmatic
22:36What about
22:37Do you remember
22:38Paul Ramone
22:39The comedian
22:40I remember Dee Dee Ramone
22:42The rock musician
22:43No
22:43Was there?
22:44No
22:44Oh yes I do
22:46Yeah
22:46He used to do this character called Lizard Man
22:48And he'd go
22:49Lizard Man
22:50Lizard Man
22:51Does whatever a lizard can
22:53Not much
22:59And then he'd go
23:03Help me Lizard Man
23:07Ah Lizard Man
23:09You bastard
23:13This thing I was thinking about Einstein
23:14Was where he was
23:15When he first went to America
23:18And
23:19Because he was always crumpled
23:21And wherever he used to go
23:22He never used to take any clothes
23:23Or soap or anything
23:25They were not even washing things
23:26And when someone asked him why
23:27He said
23:27Well those things are just unnecessary ballast
23:30He said
23:31And he was staying round
23:34In America
23:34We just started working at the university
23:35And one day there was a phone call there
23:37In the office
23:38And his secretary answered
23:40And said
23:40Yeah who is it?
23:42Yeah what do you want?
23:43And this voice just said
23:44I need to know the address of Mr Albert Einstein
23:45And the secretary said
23:46Well I'm sorry I can't give out that information
23:48Can I ring you back?
23:49Who is it speaking please?
23:51And the voice said
23:51Well it's Albert Einstein
23:53I can't remember where I live
23:54Oh
23:54Bless
23:59What was stolen
24:00From both Bach and Handel
24:03By the same tailor?
24:06As they say they never met
24:07They were born in Germany
24:08And there's Handel
24:09Yeah
24:09Is it Sandel?
24:12Sandel wasn't
24:13Like a rare rhyming slang
24:14Like Brahms and Liszt
24:15Bach and Handel
24:17Oh Sandel
24:17Yeah
24:18It wouldn't work
24:19Maybe they wore sandels with socks
24:20Nice barks
24:21Yeah
24:22That one there
24:23Is that Brian May's dad?
24:25Yeah
24:26One of the rights
24:27John Sessions
24:29Everyone looks like John Sessions
24:31They do
24:31One of the left is the angriest man I've ever seen
24:34And he clearly hasn't slept for ages thinking of music
24:37Music
24:37Music
24:37Well you're right
24:38He wrote more than just about anybody else in the history of music
24:41But did it make him happy?
24:42Years to write it out
24:43Clearly not
24:44We hope
24:45Well probably not
24:45He was immensely gifted
24:47You know
24:47What do you use to play an organ?
24:49A church organ?
24:50Fingers
24:50Fingers and
24:51Toes
24:52Yes fingers and toes
24:53But he had to add to that
24:54He'd add extra
24:55Penis
24:56He put a peg into his mouth
24:57And he would add other notes while playing
25:00On three different keyboards
25:01And with his feet
25:02He could do that and play
25:03I mean it's
25:04Extraordinary
25:05Now look at him
25:05He's a man
25:06Yeah
25:06Yeah
25:07You were about to tell us the answer
25:08Yeah
25:08I watched
25:09His name was John Taylor
25:10Ah
25:11He styled himself the Chevalier
25:13Or Cavaliero
25:13Or Chevalier
25:15I don't know if you want to say it
25:16He styled him
25:17And he was a fraud really
25:18He was an incompetent
25:21And he was dangerous
25:23And he deprived
25:24Both Bach and Handel of their sight
25:27He
25:28It's a weird coincidence
25:29He claimed to be an oculist
25:31And if he were
25:33Was such a thing
25:34He was one of the most incompetent
25:34Who ever lived
25:35And Simon Johnson
25:36Made a comment about him
25:37Of being an example
25:39Of how far impudence
25:41Will lead to ignorance
25:42Or something of that nature
25:43And he
25:44He professed to do
25:46A cataract operation
25:48And he would puncture the eye
25:51And stuff would come out
25:52But what I don't understand is
25:52How did they
25:53Why did they let him do it twice?
25:56Once he screwed up
25:57One of your eyes
25:57You go
25:58Oh god
25:58Have another go
25:59You'll get it right
25:59A second time
26:03You know a story about
26:04A last dinner
26:05In a prison
26:05Don't you?
26:06Yeah
26:06Harold Chipman
26:07Harold Chipman
26:08Yeah
26:08Yeah
26:08He had the curry
26:09For his last meal
26:11And they said
26:11Did you enjoy it?
26:12And he said
26:12Yeah
26:12But I could murder a nan
26:18You see
26:19That's going against me
26:20By lulling me
26:21Into telling a harrid
26:24It's your fault
26:25Of being aggressive
26:25About that lack of
26:26That's like
26:26Malcolm and Wise
26:26That double act
26:27You know a story
26:30I believe
26:32Can I sing me song?
26:34Can I sing me song?
26:35Will you stop interrupting?
26:36Can I sing me song, Tommy?
26:38Tommy?
26:39Sing me song
26:40Sorry
26:44I've seen a whip display
26:46In a theme park
26:48Oh where they get the ash
26:49Off the cigarette
26:49And all that
26:50Accurate
26:50Yeah
26:50They have it
26:51They blinded a child
26:53They had a blinded child?
26:55No
26:55They gave a child lung cancer
26:57By making it hold a cigarette
27:02They whip it out of there
27:03Had a couple of guys
27:03By the time they got it out
27:04Too late
27:07He's already doing
27:07One of those horrible adverts
27:08They show in the afternoons
27:09During Colombo
27:12Oh no
27:13I didn't think you were that
27:17Very good
27:18Those adverts
27:18Two of the ones I hate
27:20Those debt adverts
27:21Those poor
27:21Oh ocean finance
27:23Kill them all
27:24Ocean finance
27:24The debt was evil
27:26And it just means
27:26People going
27:27Oh I'm up to
27:28Oh
27:29Oh
27:29Abbey National
27:30Because life's complicated enough
27:32Who's that?
27:33Who's that?
27:34Who was that?
27:35Who was that?
27:36Oh
27:37Oh
27:39All right
27:39Alliance and let's
27:40I think that's just
27:41Careful
27:42Everyone's too young
27:43To remember that
27:43Damn
27:46Damn
27:46Damn
27:46Damn
27:46And you can split the money
27:47With the other fella
27:56The cow
28:03Oh dear
28:05The cow
28:06Nice and natural there
28:09The cow
28:11It's your
28:13Fill it good
28:14Fill it good
28:16Fill it good
28:20Sweets
28:26That's all we need
28:27Well
28:28Ladies and gentlemen
28:30We're through
28:31It's time for the Christmas party
28:33We're all done
28:34Oh yes
28:35You say it then
28:35Ladies and gentlemen
28:36We're through
28:39Thank you
28:40I hope you've enjoyed the show
28:43Fantastic
28:43Fantastic
28:45Thank you
28:46Thank you
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