- 13 hours ago
First broadcast 6th/13th March 1988.
Twiggy Rathbone is seeking a new figurehead to control his look-alike editor Russell Spam. Failing TV Presenter Richard Lipton believes that his integrity will enable him to clean up the Daily Crucible.
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Richard Wilson - Dicky Lipton
David Barrass - Jack Thrush
David Lodge - Sgt. Major Lutterworth
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Peter Copley - Records Clerk
Gladys Crosbie - Lady Driver
Ben Stollery - Police Officer
David Keyes - Ronnie
Geoffrey Palmer - Harold Stringer (archive footage)
Christopher Timothy - Advert Voiceover
Jenny Lee - Rowena Strong
Jo McEvoy - Sarah
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
Dave Cooper - Mr. Turpin
Clive Panto - Chip Shop Owner
Twiggy Rathbone is seeking a new figurehead to control his look-alike editor Russell Spam. Failing TV Presenter Richard Lipton believes that his integrity will enable him to clean up the Daily Crucible.
Robert Hardy - Russell Spam/Twiggy Rathbone
Richard Wilson - Dicky Lipton
David Barrass - Jack Thrush
David Lodge - Sgt. Major Lutterworth
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
Richard Kane - Greg Kettle
Peter Copley - Records Clerk
Gladys Crosbie - Lady Driver
Ben Stollery - Police Officer
David Keyes - Ronnie
Geoffrey Palmer - Harold Stringer (archive footage)
Christopher Timothy - Advert Voiceover
Jenny Lee - Rowena Strong
Jo McEvoy - Sarah
Caroline Milmoe - Maggie Troon
Dave Cooper - Mr. Turpin
Clive Panto - Chip Shop Owner
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Harold Jocelyn Stringer was a giant among newspaper men.
00:08The day he accepted my invitation to become the executive managing editor of the Daily Crucible,
00:15I gave thanks to God and wept for three hours.
00:18I knew that I was not fit to lick the back bumper of his Vauxhall Nova.
00:25Only a month ago, he went on a brief holiday to the Bahamas.
00:31A holiday he was to cut short when he heard the Crucible's plans to publish the memoirs of Molly Sudden's
00:37Gynaecology.
00:40It is now three and a half weeks since his plane went missing in the Bermuda Triangle.
00:48And we can only fear the worst that he has died a horrific and hideously grisly death.
00:53But stone dead though he be, he is yet remembered and revered,
00:58and this much I promise, come what may, we who remain,
01:02we who cherish all that is good in British journalism,
01:05will never forget the name of...
01:2712 months ago this week, multi-millionaire Terence Twiggy Rathbone bought up the ailing Daily Crucible,
01:34then acknowledged as the dreariest newspaper in the English language.
01:38A paper so dull, proofreaders had been known to go into a terminal coma while checking the weather report.
01:46Within weeks, Rathbone's new editor, Russell Spam,
01:50had revived the Crucible's flagging fortunes with a heady brew of inventive gimmicks,
01:58racy storylines,
02:01and aggressive advertising.
02:07Today, Rathbone's plans for the new evening paper, the London Fog,
02:12are said to be well advanced,
02:13along with a special Braille edition of the Crucible for blind people.
02:20Mr. Rathbone, rumour has it you may soon be introducing new printing technology,
02:27and your plans to lose 60% of the workforce, the British way,
02:33through a combination of natural wastage and industrial accidents.
02:38I'm looking to reassure your workers.
02:41British print workers are the salt of the earth, Dickie.
02:45I, as a lifelong socialist, have only their best interests at heart.
02:50Yes, you claim to be a lifelong socialist,
02:52and have done ever since Labour got back into power at the last election.
02:56Though this time, last year, you were saying, and I quote,
02:59all socialists are a festering canker on the backside of society.
03:05You could be out of contact, Dickie. No, no, no, no.
03:10I've always been a staunch supporter of the Labour movement.
03:14And I've nothing but admiration for this new royal commission they've set up to investigate.
03:20The insidious right-wing press barons who are monopolising our newspapers.
03:24The British press has a fine, noble tradition moulded by the greatest men of our time.
03:29Rothermere, Beaverbrook, Northcliffe, and this man, whose name will never be forgotten.
03:40Our task now, though Herculean, is to select his successor.
03:46In the meantime, his spirit lives on at the Crucible as a testament to the values of decency and good
03:53taste in modern journalism.
03:55Turn that dribble off, will you, Jack?
03:57I'm sorry, Greg.
04:00Yeah, 5.9 inches.
04:02Yes.
04:036.2 inches.
04:05Right.
04:08And Prince Edward?
04:11All right.
04:14Do you have a diameter for him at all?
04:17Yes, too.
04:20What sort of man, Mr Rathburn, will you be looking for as the new managing editor of the Crucible?
04:27Let me tell you the sort of man I won't be looking for, Dickie.
04:29An intellectual figurehead, a sham, whose only purpose is to give the paper a spurious credibility in the eyes of
04:37the authorities.
04:38I think you know the sort. Television's littered with them.
04:41The smarmy little former announcer with his own afternoon show thinks he's a journalist and wouldn't know a news story
04:47from a lumbered dove.
04:51Oh, we need someone who is strong and dynamic.
04:58Someone like yourself, Dickie, who I've always admired ever since you used to read the late-night pig prices on
05:05Chilton Radio.
05:06Oh, really, Mr Rathburn.
05:08You're a man who doesn't know the meaning of the word illiterate, Dickie.
05:12It took sharp an operator to be taken in by cheap hollow flattery.
05:16Thank you very much, sir.
05:18Crucible's editor, Russell Spam, is getting too big for his boots.
05:22He needs to be taken down a peg or two, and you could be the man to do it, Dickie.
05:28Mr Richard Lipton will assume his new position with immediate effect.
05:32And I'm confident he'll uphold the same standards of integrity as his illustrious predecessor, whose name will never be forgotten.
05:40He will be frank, reciferous, and outspoken in every way.
05:46Yes, and in particular, I'd just like to say...
05:50Now, that's all we have time for now.
05:53Dickie, this is the proudest moment of my life, to serve underneath a man whose tough and gritty skills I've
05:58admired ever since you used to present Birthday Club on Anglia Television, dressed in a giant rabbit suit.
06:05Just a sort of dynamic force.
06:07All right, Russell, that's enough of that flannel.
06:10I'm here today with a personal mandate from Mr Ratbone to clean this paper up.
06:16Starting with this little gem.
06:18The male members of the royal family, how do they measure up to each other?
06:25This is nothing short of pornography.
06:28Where did you get this information?
06:30Insiders at the palace, Dickie.
06:32Insiders? What are the inside? Prince Philip's trousers?
06:36And now on, Russell, the Crucible will find rather more elevated topics to fill its columns. Is that clear?
06:42That's crystal, Dickie.
06:44Nothing could be more elevated than my next piece of news.
06:47Today, gentlemen, ladies, I signed on the most sensational newspaper columnist in publishing history.
06:54Someone more qualified than anyone else alive to write about global affairs and declining human morals in the world today.
07:02Really, Russell? Who's the head?
07:04God.
07:05God, Dickie.
07:07Every Thursday, starting this week, God will contribute 500 words exclusively to the Daily Crucible.
07:13The words, in this case, are being conveyed to us through a very holy man who's the almighty's chosen prophet
07:19on Earth.
07:20Ah, I see. You mean a spokesman for the church, putting forward the holy gospel in the form of a...
07:27Oh, yeah.
07:30Lipton?
07:31Oh, yes, Mr. Rathbone.
07:35Really?
07:37Yes, I'd be delighted to, sir.
07:42It appears I've been asked to address a special conference of Polynesian newspaper editors in John O'Groats this evening.
07:50Congratulations, Dickie. An honour indeed.
07:56Remember, Russell, no fast ones while I'm gone.
07:59I'd as soon slip my grandmother's throat, Dickie.
08:04So this holy man of God who was the almighty's chosen prophet on Earth, Russell.
08:08You didn't tell us his name.
08:10Sergeant Major Ken Lutterworth of the Essex Light Infantry.
08:16Yes, I've been imbued with the Holy Spirit since last February, I think it was.
08:20February the 13th.
08:23I gather God came to you in an amphibious landing craft.
08:27Well, that means they're great sometimes.
08:29Fine.
08:31Well, Sergeant Major, this will be very useful background for our readers, so it's been a real...
08:35Yes, well, the key is, you see, not to let army work rule your life.
08:40A lot of people in my position, military procedure, get into their system.
08:44They can't shake it off.
08:45Would you like a cup of tea?
08:47Oh, lovely.
08:48Sugar?
08:49Yes, please.
08:51Sergeant Major Lutterworth and Mrs Brinsdale.
08:53Two teas, one with, one without, in the lounge.
08:55On the double, thank you.
08:59Is this bothering you?
09:01No, I'm fine.
09:02Well, I'm sorry about that.
09:06Yes, it's, er...
09:07It's more like a transcendental experience, really.
09:12The material world seems to recede,
09:15and slowly my mind becomes intoxicated with God's early knowledge.
09:19That's when it's best to get it all down, you see.
09:21On to paper.
09:22Yeah, best really, paper.
09:25Hard to get tablets of stone into the typewriter.
09:28Well, it's all there.
09:30Any spelling mistakes are mine.
09:32Not God's.
09:33He's infallible, of course.
09:35Of course.
09:37Well, erm, I better skip the cuppa.
09:39They're all on tenterhooks for this back at the office, so, erm...
09:43Is that an article by Derek Jameson there?
09:46You know, I think he's so astute and witty, that man.
09:49He really puts his finger on it.
09:51I don't think I've seen this one.
09:53Well, you can take it. I'm finished with it. That's fine.
09:55Oh, thanks very much. I'll send it right back.
09:58Erm, well, I'd better split now, erm...
10:00Thanks for your time.
10:03It's always a pleasure to meet a really rational
10:06and socially responsible human being for a change.
10:17God lashes out at loony left.
10:20Today, the first of a series of hard-hitting articles, God, the creator of heaven and earth, speaks frankly in
10:27modern issues.
10:30End thug terror on streets with surgical command arrays by God.
10:35And Sergeant Major, ten letter words. Make no bones about it.
10:39The world I created has become a hotbed of sin.
10:42As God, here's my five-point plan to stamp out crime and thuggery now.
10:48One, send in the troops to curb inner-city violence.
10:52Two, deploy crack SAS units at all soccer grounds with no gas to be standard issue.
10:59Two, three, set up bad roadblocks.
11:02Not a bad one, is it?
11:04Switchboard's jammed already. People ring enough to say how much they agree with God, asking if he can cure their
11:09sciatica.
11:10It's hogwash, Russell. We don't believe all this God rubbish.
11:13Oh, thank you not to blaspheme in public, Dickie.
11:16Especially in front of a born-again Christian such as myself, or to Jack here.
11:19A devout Quaker all his life.
11:22Oh. Well, I didn't mean...
11:24Sorry, I didn't mean to, erm...
11:26So, next week we'll jack it up a stage further.
11:29We'll launch the Crucible's new pray-in hotline.
11:32Direct to God.
11:34The almighty agony aunt. What could we call it?
11:38Dear God.
11:39Dear God!
11:40Good one, Dickie.
11:42Hey, sweetheart.
11:44Right, I make that seventeen this morning. A record even for us.
11:48Seventeen, Dickie. Seventeen what?
11:50Well, let's see if we can spot the common link, shall we?
11:54AIDS riddle hairdresser in tainted perm, shock.
11:58AIDS dentist slams false teeth of death.
12:02MNS denies undies and no return AIDS blow.
12:07AIDS scare biscuit barrel ends WI coffee mornings. Do I need to go on?
12:12Highly important subject, Dickie.
12:15All the more reason for us, Russell, to treat it in a mature and responsible manner instead of all this
12:20mindless, trumped up gobbledygook.
12:23I agree, Dickie.
12:27Only an intellectual behemoth of your acute perception could have spotted it.
12:32I was blind, but now I see.
12:34From now on we'll adopt an altogether different, more moderate approach.
12:38It's more as AIDS splash, Russell.
12:40Hit me there, Dickie.
12:42London Transport today playing down rumours that the public could catch AIDS on the Metropolitan Line.
12:50I wonder what rumours those could be.
12:52The rumours published exclusively in yesterday's Crucible came the Underground's chief seat-up, Hellstera.
13:01Once shared a Mars bar with a man who'd been to San Francisco.
13:06Jack, that story makes me ashamed to belong to the British press.
13:13Amongst now there dwells a visionary who alone can point out the error of our tawdry ways.
13:18Dickie, from now on the Crucible's attitude to this probably will change.
13:21I'm going to put our most reliable and sensitive reporter on it.
13:25Jack, give me Greg.
13:38Excuse me.
13:40Very well, but shut the door as you leave.
13:43There are certain regulations.
13:44Great Kettle, Her Majesty's Press.
13:47I shall have to ask you to direct me to the confidential NHS records department, if you please.
13:51I beg your pardon.
13:52These documents are for internal use only.
13:55So are suppositories.
13:57It might be available to the general public.
14:00I beg that unless you allow me unrestricted access to your files, I shall have you up under the Official
14:04Secrets Act.
14:05Oh, my goodness.
14:06Can you do that?
14:08Yes, I can.
14:13One moment, please. Before you open these files, I'll have to see your identification.
14:16Yes. Um, yes.
14:19Well, that seems to be an order.
14:20Can't be too careful, these airs might proceed.
14:26What file exactly does you want?
14:30A file of AIDS, Terrior.
14:33Sorry.
14:34The list of all those people who have had positive test results for the AIDS virus.
14:39Right.
14:44The government insisted there wasn't one, so I knew it must be here somewhere.
15:02Oh, my God.
15:03What are you doing?
15:04By the powers of her bearish distress, I hereby commandeer this vehicle. Drive on as fast as you can.
15:09Oh, but I was just going to...
15:18Thanks. This man Lutterworth, Maggie. He's completely Looney, surely. I mean the voice of God. Come on.
15:25well loonies are our bread and butter really aren't they of course Lutoweth's
15:29no ordinary loonie something very odd about him what do you mean what do you
15:34mean no ordinary loonie well this is just a theory of mine but I think that
15:38Lutoweth no I better not I'll wait till I'm sure let's just say this could all
15:44depend on an article by Derek Jameson I'll keep you posted yes because I
15:55the most serious medical threat to human life this century according to
16:02government figures there are currently some 40,000 people in Britain known to
16:05be carrying the virus and we've got a complete list of all their names and
16:09regressors at the crucible over the next two weeks as a public service we're
16:14publishing the identities of all those people the government know to be
16:16infected day by day they build into a complete directory for handy use when
16:21selecting your new sexual partner yes who's got it you can't do without it
16:25plus he's authoritative he's outspoken he's almighty yes God joins the
16:31crucible's award-winning team speaking out on the burning issues of the day
16:34divorce abortion how filing squads could be useful in cutting down road traffic
16:38offenses they shall all suffer my mighty run don't miss tomorrow's white hot crucible
16:44the paper with integrity
17:12yes
17:14Dickie, is that you?
17:16Russell, where the hell are you?
17:19I've just come back up from the pub to find the entire building completely deserted.
17:22What's going on?
17:24We've moved, Dickie.
17:26We've moved to new premises in Stepney.
17:30But in the tea break...
17:33I'm sorry, Dickie, I thought you knew.
17:35As of 5pm today, the crucible's transferred completely
17:39to the new ultramodern rat house newspaper complex in the East End.
17:43I'm the executive managing editor, Russell.
17:46Why wasn't I too?
17:47We had to keep it hush-hush, Dickie.
17:49We haven't tied up all the redundancy deals yet.
17:51Where is it, Russell? I'm coming right over.
17:54Fair enough, Dickie.
17:55But when you get to the outer ring of electrified razor wire stop,
17:59wave a white card or something, we'll send out an armoured car to get you.
18:04What?
18:04I've just seen the most unspeakable TV ads.
18:09Russell?
18:15Stipney?
18:20Stipney?
18:22Stipney?
18:23Stipney?
18:23Stipney?
18:26Stipney?
18:26Stipney?
18:26Excuse me, I'm looking for the new Daily Crucible building.
18:30I think it's over there.
18:32I was told to wait here in case they needed me again.
18:36.
18:40.
18:58Russell!
19:00Russell!
19:05Russell!
19:06Hurry up at that bloody gate!
19:09I don't manage to get into this, people!
19:14Russell!
19:16For God's sake, open this gate!
19:21But the pickets have arrived.
19:31This is going to cause a major earthquake, Dave.
19:34Thanks, anyway. I owe you one.
19:38Come on, my aunt, Constance.
19:40I don't mind what I'm talking about, you know.
19:42Mr Luke, what the hell's happening?
19:44Ah, good morning, Maggie.
19:46Well, I was feeling it to Lucerne last night,
19:48so I thought, why not pop down to the local nick
19:50for a spot of physical violence
19:52at the hands of Neanderthal man?
19:54Questions will be asked in the house in this one.
19:57Listen, Mr Luke, never mind that.
19:59I've got something in here
20:00that could just blow your mind.
20:02We don't want to see so much.
20:08Right.
20:09I think we can safely say
20:10this is another rip-roaring day
20:12in the history of the Crucible, everyone.
20:14The very first edition produced
20:16entirely using computerised,
20:19state-of-the-art,
20:19photo-setting technology.
20:23Total, incomplete gibberish.
20:25Not a single intelligible word
20:27in the entire paper.
20:29But we've about to have
20:30some teething troubles.
20:31Dickie must have been
20:32all that lightning we had last night
20:33upset the phone lines
20:34we were using to relay the copy.
20:36Memory circuits went haywire.
20:39Quite frankly, Russell,
20:40I'm not surprised that any newspaper
20:42would auto-destruct,
20:44considering the unfettered pap
20:45you were filling it with last night.
20:47In fact, I think we can justly
20:49regard it as a blessing
20:50and disguise
20:50that the list of so-called
20:51AIDS carriers
20:53turned out in the end
20:54to be completely unreadable
20:56in view of this letter
20:58I received this morning
20:59from the DHSS.
21:01Letter, Dickie?
21:02Yes.
21:03Which contains a rather
21:04interesting revelation
21:05that the confidential fire
21:07purloined yesterday
21:08by persons unknown
21:12became in actual fact
21:14a list of 40,000 people
21:16currently waiting
21:17for hearing aids.
21:19Hearing aids?
21:20Next, another little editorial
21:22humdinger, Russell.
21:23Sit down.
21:24The holy sergeant major
21:26who speaks with the voice of God.
21:29Maggie?
21:30Well, when I went round there
21:31he definitely seemed
21:32a bit spaced out
21:33to say the least.
21:34and there was something
21:35very dodgy about his tobacco.
21:38So, I managed to get hold
21:40of a paper
21:40with some ash on it
21:41for analysis.
21:42In short, Russell,
21:42it appears that our friend
21:43and correspondent
21:44Mr. Lutterworth
21:45recently returned
21:47from a posting
21:47in the Far East
21:48is an opium smoker.
21:52Opium?
21:53Toast up with a few
21:54pipefuls of that stuff
21:55I'm sure we'd all feel
21:56full of the Holy Spirit.
21:58His brains have probably
21:59turned to poppies
22:00in there by now.
22:01Oh, my God, Maggie.
22:03We can turn this
22:04into tomorrow's front.
22:06Opium junkie sergeant
22:08who saw God
22:08in a puff of holy smoke.
22:12Exposed!
22:13Honoured Christian soldiers
22:14drug dream dope pipe dupe.
22:18Work on the calls
22:19for his resignation.
22:21RSM 10
22:22quits crack
22:23Queen's core
22:24over shock,
22:25smoke,
22:26shame,
22:26sensation.
22:27Jack,
22:28clear the front
22:29and first four pages.
22:30This is gonna be dynamite,
22:31Dickie.
22:32This is the start
22:33of a new era.
22:34After today,
22:35we'll never look back.
22:36Yes, Russell,
22:37and to mark the occasion
22:38I brought you a present.
22:40A message
22:41from C.P. Scott.
22:43Oh.
22:45Comment is free
22:46but facts are sacred.
22:48As long as I'm editor
22:50of the Crucible, Dickie,
22:51this text
22:52shall be my Bible.
22:53Good.
22:54Because as long
22:55as I'm managing editor,
22:56the Crucible
22:57will be a paper
22:58with honesty
22:59and integrity.
23:00A paper, Russell,
23:01that in future
23:02prints the truth.
23:09Okay, Jack,
23:11so,
23:11intro.
23:13Overweight mum,
23:14Mrs. Brenda Turpin,
23:16is waving goodbye
23:17to all those
23:18fattening
23:19pork pies,
23:20pastries
23:21and puds.
23:22Dash.
23:24Thanks to
23:24the Crucible.
23:26Porky Brenda,
23:27who tips the scales
23:29at 23 and a half stone,
23:31admits she can never
23:33stick to a normal diet.
23:35So this week,
23:36at her own insistence,
23:38the Crucible
23:39had her mouth
23:40surgically wired up
23:42and went down
23:43in a cage.
23:46Away from all those
23:48catching naughty nibbles.
23:50Said,
23:50blubbery Brenda,
23:52thanks to the Crucible,
23:53I shall be
23:54in this cage
23:56for a month
23:56eating nothing
23:57but low-calorie
23:58carrot juice
23:59through a straw.
24:01Well, that's it then,
24:02Mrs. Turpin.
24:03We've got a couple
24:04of the lads
24:04coming up
24:05from the packing bench
24:06to take you home again.
24:07We shan't keep you long.
24:10Right, Jack,
24:12that's the health
24:12and beauty feature
24:13tied up.
24:15We are paint seven.
24:18Oh, hello.
24:19Good morning, Dickie.
24:20How are you today?
24:21I just ran into
24:22Greg Kettle
24:23on the lift
24:23who said he was
24:24in his way
24:24to investigate
24:25a story that
24:26tennis player
24:27Boris Becker
24:28was a lesbian.
24:31There is
24:31somewhat flimsy evidence
24:33that he's been seen
24:34going out with women.
24:36Now, this is just
24:37a kind of pernicious
24:38pap that Mr. Rathbone
24:39brought me in
24:40to stamp out.
24:42I've sent Ketloff
24:43instead to do
24:44a piece
24:44on the government's
24:45new blueprint
24:46for primary schools.
24:47Could make a decent spread.
24:49Are our infants
24:50getting the education
24:51they deserve?
24:52How the teachers
24:53in the 80s measure
24:54hold that right there.
25:07Two squashed oranges
25:09like this.
25:10That's what we call
25:11the number eight.
25:12Now, class,
25:13who can tell me
25:13what the number nine
25:14looks like?
25:17Yes, listen to me.
25:19I think you'll find
25:20that's the one
25:20that's like a balloon
25:21on a stick.
25:23Now, perhaps,
25:24you'd answer
25:24a question of mine.
25:25Do you or do you
25:26not have
25:27in your school library
25:28freely available
25:29for all the children
25:30to see
25:31a copy of the book
25:33Rumpelstiltskin?
25:34Rumpelstiltskin.
25:36No, we don't have
25:38any copy of that book
25:39in the school.
25:39I see.
25:40A harmless fairy tale
25:42banned by the
25:43left-wing council,
25:44no doubt,
25:44for depicting
25:45subjugation of women,
25:46child abuse,
25:47and derisive references
25:48to disabled dwarves.
25:49Dear, dear,
25:50boys and girls,
25:52if Mr. Kittle
25:53doesn't keep quiet,
25:54I shall have to
25:54bring him out the front
25:55and give him a smack
25:56on the bottom,
25:57shall I say?
26:00Sorry, Mrs. Strong,
26:01phone call for you
26:01in your office.
26:02Thank you, Sarah.
26:04All right, class,
26:05you can all start
26:05sharpening your pencils.
26:08And when I come back,
26:09I shall tell you
26:10what to do with them.
26:14Okay, love.
26:14I can't apologize enough.
26:16Thank you very much,
26:17gentlemen.
26:24There was a good
26:25to be next week,
26:26Russell.
26:26The crucible's cure
26:27for acne.
26:29Simply stick your head
26:30in a guillotine.
26:33You must think
26:34I'm some kind
26:35of simpleton.
26:39Last night,
26:40I went through
26:41the crucible
26:42and made a list
26:43of all its
26:44major faults.
26:47The minor ones
26:49have been delivered
26:50later in a
26:51pentechnical.
26:53Now then,
26:54first of all,
26:56the use of labels
26:57in headlines.
26:59Cliff plunge
27:01baby horror.
27:03Great girl.
27:05Skin graft boy.
27:08Perpese man.
27:10How do you think
27:11a 70-year-old man
27:12who's been horribly
27:12injured in the war
27:13appears about being
27:14christened
27:15No Dick OAPS?
27:20All headlines like this
27:21come to me first
27:22for approval.
27:23Is that understood?
27:24Without your say so,
27:25Dickie,
27:26they shall not pass.
27:28Oh,
27:2910 o'clock.
27:30Is it time for your
27:31regular morning briefing
27:32with Mr. Rathbone?
27:33Oh, God, yes.
27:36Yes, it's just the sort of
27:37place I've been looking for,
27:38Derek,
27:39as a little weekend
27:40pied-Ã -terre.
27:41A deceptively spacious
27:43four-lagooned island
27:45situated in the fashionable
27:47part of Fiji.
27:48So asking a seven-figure sum
27:50for it,
27:51which,
27:51if I were a rabid,
27:53mercenary capitalist,
27:54I'd simply cream off
27:56from the crucible's
27:57record profits
27:57in the form of a fat
27:58director's bonus.
28:00but such a profiteering act
28:01would fly in the face
28:01of my principles
28:02as a lifelong socialist
28:03and champion
28:04of the working classes.
28:08Right.
28:10Ah,
28:10Dickie,
28:11come in.
28:12Derek,
28:13we'll talk later.
28:15Dickie,
28:17you're looking well.
28:18How's Trix
28:19down on the 15th floor?
28:21Walk me along nicely,
28:23Mr. Rathbone.
28:24And I think Spam's
28:24realized I'm getting wise
28:26to his various
28:26little shenanigans now.
28:28Russell Spam's
28:30various little shenanigans
28:32of the nest of maggots
28:33in the apple of my eye.
28:34The crucible needs
28:36new blood,
28:38Dickie,
28:38and you're the man
28:39to give it.
28:41There's too much
28:43mischievous copy
28:45reaching the newspaper.
28:47Copies such as this
28:49entry for the crucible's
28:51diary page,
28:52which has just been
28:52brought to my attention
28:53by persons unknown.
28:55Why is movie megastar
28:57Meryl Streep
28:58looking so pleased
29:00with herself
29:00just lately?
29:02Sources close
29:03to the American beauty
29:04say it's because
29:05she's madly in love
29:06with Mr.
29:07Terrence Rathbone.
29:10Then I'm a media mogul
29:12and lifelong socialist.
29:13The two are rumored
29:14to have met
29:15while bopping
29:16at a New York
29:17nightclub.
29:19The restricts
29:20immediately fell
29:21for the millionaire
29:21philanthropist's
29:22hunky good looks.
29:25still young 62
29:27Rathbone is said
29:28to have the bedroom
29:29staying power
29:29of a man
29:30half his age.
29:31Yes!
29:32This may must do
29:33my public innings
29:33never before,
29:34Ricky.
29:35Nevertheless,
29:35I cannot in all
29:37conscience
29:37bar you
29:38from publishing
29:38the story.
29:39It would be
29:39a gross invasion
29:41of your editorial
29:42independence.
29:43You must
29:44just
29:45take it away
29:46and do with it
29:47as you will.
29:48Don't worry, sir.
29:50This is just
29:51the kind of
29:51unbelievable
29:52drivel I determined
29:53to put a stop to.
29:55Rest assured
29:56your reputation
29:56is totally safe
29:58with me.
30:00Indeed,
30:01Dickie,
30:02indeed.
30:03That's why
30:04you have to be
30:05ever so clever
30:06to become a reporter
30:07because it's the job
30:08of the reporter
30:08to make sure
30:09every word you read
30:10in your newspaper
30:11is completely
30:12true.
30:15What the hell's
30:16going on?
30:17Get away from
30:17I've not got it
30:18once.
30:19Also,
30:19before you let
30:19a strange man
30:20into your house
30:21to search through
30:21your belongings,
30:22always ask to
30:23see his press
30:23card first.
30:24All right!
30:26This proves
30:26that he's a
30:27bona fide member
30:28of Her Majesty's
30:29press card.
30:31I'll be the head
30:32of this odious
30:33little gun.
30:34I want to
30:34I will not
30:35stop.
30:36It's a
30:36terrorism.
30:37Get out!
30:39Oh!
30:52Right, Jack,
30:53read it to me
30:53again.
30:58Sex show
30:59shocker
30:59for tiny tots.
31:02Five-year-old
31:03kiddies
31:04at a London
31:04infant school
31:05were this week
31:06forced to witness
31:06bizarre sexually
31:07explicit acts
31:11involving a man
31:12being beaten
31:12with a cane
31:13by a busted
31:13blonde in
31:14high-heeled
31:14boots.
31:17And mistress
31:18Mrs. Rowena
31:19Strong,
31:19who had
31:20earlier invited
31:20reporter Greg
31:21Kettle to take
31:22part in a
31:23kinky spanking
31:24session.
31:26Then joined
31:27with another
31:27woman in
31:28leather skirt
31:28and black
31:29stockings
31:29in a
31:30pre-sum of
31:31flagellation
31:31and female
31:32dominance.
31:35Pupil
31:35Darren Jessop
31:36five-and-a-half
31:37commented
31:38I blame
31:39the loopy
31:39liberals
31:39on Camden
31:40Council.
31:43Since
31:44I appointed
31:44Mrs. Strong
31:45Sudbury Road
31:46Infants
31:46has become
31:47more like
31:47St.
31:48Purveau's
31:48Academy
31:48for sexual
31:49devious.
31:52I've had
31:52the headmistress
31:53on the phone
31:53for two hours
31:54this morning.
31:56I just
31:56managed to
31:57pacify on the
31:58end by saying
31:58we'd go back
31:59there today
32:00to do a
32:00proper story.
32:01This time
32:02showing the
32:02school as it
32:03really is.
32:04The truth
32:05Greg, do I
32:05make myself
32:06clear?
32:08Clear as
32:09crystal,
32:09Mr. Lipton,
32:10I'm on my
32:10way.
32:13Something wrong
32:14with this
32:14system,
32:15Russell.
32:16Stories are
32:16still slipping
32:17through without
32:18my seeing them.
32:19I've had no
32:20sleep for three
32:20nights worrying
32:21about it,
32:22Dickie.
32:24As custodian
32:25of our morals,
32:27you must be
32:28free to monitor
32:29all material.
32:29But now that
32:30we're computerized,
32:31it couldn't be
32:32easier.
32:33On this key
32:34system, you can
32:36amdis into your
32:37edition menu with
32:39a standard page
32:40digit code and
32:40then simply access
32:41to your story
32:42display with the
32:44relevant alpha
32:45numeric command.
32:46It's all in the
32:47manual.
32:49Here, Dickie.
32:52Hello,
32:53coffee.
32:53Greg Kettle here
32:54with the truth
32:55about Suddenberry Road
32:56Infant School.
32:58Catch line,
32:59hookers.
33:00The headmistress
33:01at St. Purvo's
33:02Academy in North
33:03London yesterday
33:04shocked parents
33:05with a new
33:05addition to her
33:06kinky curriculum.
33:08Dot, dot, dot.
33:09Lessons in
33:10prostitution.
33:13I watched in
33:15horror as
33:16during an
33:16innocent school
33:17outing,
33:18Rauchy
33:19Rowena Strong
33:20led a party of
33:21little girls
33:22through King's
33:22Cross,
33:23a well-known
33:24soliciting point
33:25for call
33:25girls.
33:26There she
33:27explained how,
33:28when there were
33:29no policemen
33:29about,
33:30they should
33:30stand on
33:31street corners
33:32looking out
33:32for men
33:33in cars.
33:35Always wait
33:36under red
33:36lights.
33:40When I approached
33:41one little girl
33:42and asked,
33:42did she do
33:43French,
33:43she replied,
33:44quotes,
33:45no,
33:45but my
33:4612-year-old
33:46sister died.
33:49I made an
33:50excuse and
33:50left.
33:55Aha!
33:57Got it,
33:57Russell!
33:58More sex
33:59shocks at the
34:00School of Sin.
34:01St. Purvo's
34:02unveils its new
34:03Tart training
34:04department.
34:10Oh,
34:11sorry,
34:11Dickie,
34:11I've just
34:11kicked your
34:12plug out.
34:14Mr. Lipson,
34:15flash just in
34:15from AP.
34:16A 34-year-old
34:17woman rushed
34:18to hospital
34:18with a major
34:19heart attack.
34:20No,
34:20Jack,
34:21I've got
34:21far too many
34:22important.
34:24There,
34:25that's that
34:26little story,
34:27squash,
34:27Russell.
34:28The woman,
34:29Mrs. Brenda
34:29Turpin,
34:31suffered a
34:32coronary
34:32thrombosis
34:33brought on
34:34by a massive
34:35uncontrolled
34:35eating spree
34:36of 112
34:37Danish
34:37pastries.
34:40Her husband,
34:41Mr. Arthur
34:41Turpin,
34:42said,
34:42this is all
34:43the fault
34:43of that
34:43bastard
34:44Lipton
34:44for looking
34:45out of that
34:45cage.
34:47I'm going
34:48right round
34:48there now
34:48and break
34:49his bloody
34:50neck.
34:52But,
34:53I'll just
34:54lock this
34:55door just
34:55now,
34:56just in case.
34:57Mr. Turpin,
34:58a burly
34:5915-stone
35:00window cleaner,
35:01then declined
35:01to make
35:02any further
35:02point.
35:10Right!
35:12You little
35:13tusser!
35:14I should
35:15want you
35:16everyone's
35:16box for
35:17keepage!
35:20Um,
35:20what do you want me to do with this new intro, Russell?
35:22Girl who's bitten on the chest by a black mamba.
35:26Read it out to me, Maggie, will you please?
35:28Uh, horses, then.
35:30Snake's alive.
35:31Zookeeper Trudy Dangerfield is on the danger list
35:34after one of her slippery specimens in the reptile house
35:37made a beeline for her bee cup.
35:41As 19-year-old Trudy was rushed into intensive care
35:44with a boob full of lethal snake poison,
35:46it was a case of
35:48fangs for the mammary.
35:51Their condition is described as critical.
35:53Chip it, Maggie!
35:54Much better.
35:55All right, have a look at this one now, will you?
35:56Are our courts
35:58tough enough on sex offenders
35:59should rapists be castrated at birth?
36:03Reel around a few judges,
36:04see what they're going to say.
36:05Good one, Russell.
36:08Oh!
36:11Mr. Rashford,
36:13where am I?
36:15The last thing I remember
36:17is going to hit that man.
36:20A devastating display of pugilism, Dickie.
36:23You broke both hands on his chin.
36:31As a result of your absence from the office,
36:34Spam has disgraced the crucible yet again
36:37with this sordid perversion of the truth.
36:43Merrill's just wild about twigging.
36:46Screen-idle Miss Streep spends nights of lust
36:49with millionaire sex machine.
36:52I'm shattered, Dickie,
36:55after your solemn reassurances
36:56that such silacious gossip
36:58would never see the light of day.
36:59I can't think I could possibly...
37:02Excuses come late in the day, Dickie.
37:04Frankly, I think it's time
37:06you got off that fat backside of yours
37:08and did something about
37:10this odious trash-mongering.
37:12Now, don't try to move.
37:13They've strapped you in for extra seconds.
37:17Right, Lord Dunstan.
37:19And in the case of indecent exposure,
37:21would you tar and feather them before
37:24or after you'd put a padlock on the genitals?
37:29It's fine.
37:31OK.
37:32Well, thanks for your help.
37:40Hello.
37:40Is that the home of Mr Justice Hitchcock?
37:43Um, Dina Crucible newspaper here.
37:45I wondered if I could...
37:47Jesus Christ.
37:47How the hell did you find out about this?
37:50I'm sorry?
37:51Oh, yeah.
37:51We have no statement to make
37:52at this moment in time.
37:54Not until all the relatives
37:55have been informed.
37:57Relatives?
37:58I'm sorry.
38:14Hello, St Simmonds Hospital.
38:16Um, administrator's office, please.
38:18Oh, um, OK.
38:21Hello.
38:21Daily Crucible here.
38:22Maggie Troon.
38:23Have you had any details in
38:25about a death
38:26at the home of Mr Justice Hitchcock
38:28in the village of Purlington, please?
38:31The administrator's not here at the moment.
38:33I'm just cleaning his office.
38:35Oh, help.
38:36I'll be there for your help, anyway.
38:37Um...
38:38Well, there's a big folder on his desk here.
38:40It's marked confidential.
38:42It might happen in...
38:43Um, good idea.
38:46Oh, what have we got here now?
38:47Uh, admissions.
38:49That's the one.
38:51That's the one?
38:52Friday the 12th.
38:53Dorothy Anne Hitchcock, aged 64, dead on arrival.
38:59Oh, right.
39:00Thanks.
39:01That's just what...
39:01Edward Michael Hitchcock, aged 36, dead on arrival.
39:07Yeah?
39:08Oh, that's most unfortunate.
39:10Linda Jane Hitchcock, aged 33, dead on arrival.
39:17OK.
39:18Right, um, thanks for...
39:20Edward Michael Hitchcock, aged 14, dead on arrival.
39:27Shit.
39:29Is that what you wanted to know?
39:32Um, yeah.
39:33Great.
39:34Thanks a lot.
39:34That's exactly what I wanted to know.
39:35Bye-bye.
39:40Well, it's about what we expected, Russell.
39:42The press councils ruled that the Sudbury Road infant's coverage
39:45was vindictive, sensationalistic,
39:48and wholly and utterly without any foundation whatever.
39:50Yeah.
39:51Signaled out as especially vindictive was today's testimonial
39:55by a so-called handwriting expert
39:57that the loops and curls in Mrs. Strong's rendition
40:02of the cat's hat on the mat
40:04clearly show she is a raving nympho and bondage freak.
40:09Well, how can they argue with hard facts like that?
40:13What, the only thing we can...
40:15Dickie, you've regained consciousness.
40:18Either that or I'm still dreaming.
40:20Let me see.
40:22No, this could only be part of some hideous nightmare.
40:24I must be awake.
40:27Over the court jester, Dickie!
40:29Sorry to dash, but Jack and I are leaving down at playstuff.
40:33Russell, what about tomorrow's edition?
40:34I demand to know what you're up to.
40:37I demand to know what you're up to.
40:43LAUGHTER
40:43Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
41:23Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
41:49Yes, what do you want?
41:50Um, a bag of chips would go down quite well.
41:55Can't you read the sign on the door?
41:58Yeah, it says open.
42:02Everywhere seems to be locked up. The place is like a ghost town.
42:06What's going on?
42:09Stand over there.
42:17The, uh, Bluebottle's a bit frisky round here, are they?
42:21Could have been him, couldn't you?
42:23The psychopathic killer, what's on the loose out there?
42:27Psychopathic killer, eh?
42:29My lucky day.
42:31No, no, no.
42:33Nothing like that, fortunately.
42:34I'm a reporter.
42:36From the Daily Crucible.
42:44Crucible cleans up St. Purbo's.
42:48Extracurricular activities at St. Purbo's Academy are over.
42:52It's official.
42:52A press council investigation into the school for scandal found yesterday,
42:57no kinky beatings, no spanking sessions, no lessons in prostitution.
43:04Crucible editor Russell Spam says,
43:07thanks to our cleanup campaign, innocent children can return.
43:11Thanks to our cleanup campaign.
43:14Russell, this front page.
43:16I order you to remove it this instant.
43:23Very well, Dickie.
43:27How come your first edition's halfway up the M1?
43:31Jack, get down there and change this splash for the later edition.
43:35It's such a disgrace.
43:35Change it to what, Mr. Lipton?
43:37Change it to...
43:38You've got a spare major front page lead up your sleeve?
43:44Hello?
43:44Who's that, Mr. Lipton?
43:46It's Maggie here.
43:48I'm down in some godforsaken hole in Hertfordshire,
43:51and I think I've got a big one.
43:54Mass murder?
43:57They've found four bodies, 10 o'clock this morning,
44:00at the home of the High Court Judge, Justice James Hitchcock,
44:04as in Alfred.
44:05His wife, his son, his daughter-in-law,
44:08and their 14-year-old son.
44:11Apparently, they were found lying in pools of blood,
44:13with their throats cut.
44:15Nice, eh?
44:16Yes.
44:17Look, I'll hand you over to Russell, Maggie.
44:23The weird thing is,
44:25the old boy himself, Judge Hitchcock,
44:27has apparently vanished.
44:28Can't be traced anywhere.
44:30So, you know,
44:31finger of suspicion and all that.
44:32I've rung the Nick,
44:33and they're holding a formal press conference tomorrow morning.
44:36Yeah, but if we run it tonight, it'll be exclusive.
44:38Okay, Maggie, give me everything you've got.
44:40Jack, just at a spot of good news,
44:43four people hacked to death at Hertfordshire.
44:47Just a minute.
44:51In a statement just issued,
44:53said there was no truth at all in the rumor that Miss Meryl Streep was expecting his baby.
44:57Accordingly, he was planning to sue his own newspaper for libel.
45:00Where such pernicious rumors originate, it's a complete mystery to me, gentlemen, ladies.
45:06However, my lawyers have, during the last hour,
45:09concluded an out-of-court settlement with the Crucible
45:13for a seven-figure sum by way of damages,
45:15which I trust marks an end to the whole tasteless affair.
45:21Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an urgent flight to Fiji to catch...
45:25Good night to you all!
45:27Terrific, Maggie!
45:29Murder, me lad.
45:31Justice Jim flees cutthroat carnage
45:34in hack-up house horror.
45:37Black bath binge sparks midnight
45:39manhunt for jugular judge.
45:42Um, yes, sounds great, Russell.
45:44Listen, Russell, there is a school of thought around here
45:47that the killer may actually still be on the loose in this village.
45:51You know, lurking around, waiting for his next victim.
45:54So, um, if you don't need me here any more...
45:57Good thinking, Maggie.
45:59Better stay put.
46:00Omicidal psychopath might strike again at any moment,
46:02and when he does,
46:04the Crucible will be right there on the spot.
46:07On the spot.
46:10Fine.
46:10Fine.
46:27Fine.
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