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مسلسل Good Omens مترجم - Episode 1
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00:14Current theories on the creation of the universe state that if it were created at all and didn't
00:19just start as it were unofficially, it came into being about 14 billion years ago. The
00:29dates are incorrect. Some medieval scholars put the date of the creation at 3760 BC. Others put
00:37creation as far back as 5508 BC. Also incorrect. Archbishop James Usher claimed that the heaven
00:46and the earth were created on Sunday the 21st of October 4004 BC at 9 a.m. This too was
00:53incorrect.
00:54By almost a quarter of an hour. It was created at 9.13 in the morning, which was correct.
01:02The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven't
01:08seen yet. This proves two things. Firstly, that God does not play dice with the universe. I play an
01:15ineffable game of my own devising. For everyone else, it's like playing poker in a pitch dark room
01:21for infinite stakes with a dealer who won't tell you the rules and who smiles all the time.
01:26Secondly, the earth is a Libra.
01:31The entry for Libra in the Tadfield Advertiser on the night our history begins reads as follows.
01:38You may be feeling run down and always in the same daily round. A friend is important to you.
01:44You may be vulnerable to a stomach upset today, so avoid salads. Help could come from an unexpected
01:51quarter. This was perfectly correct on every count, except for the bit about the salads.
01:59To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier, a little
02:05more than 6,000 years earlier, to be precise, just after the beginning. It starts, as it
02:12will end, with a garden. In this case, the Garden of Eden. And with an apple.
02:33Daughter Badawra, we'll give you a little a pop for it. Come on, snap.
02:35I'll give you an ritual to what you're willing to do today. Okay, release this.
02:39I'll give you an ritual to what you'd like.��als.
02:41Dangerous, you ruin this.
02:42Call perfect subjectus,із.
03:09It was a nice day.
03:10All the days had been nice.
03:12There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn't been invented yet.
03:17But the storm clouds gathering east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, and it was
03:23going to be a big one.
03:32Oh, that went down like a lead balloon.
03:36Sorry, what was that?
03:38I said, well, that went down like a lead balloon.
03:41Yes, yes, it did, rather.
03:45A bit of an overreaction, if you ask me.
03:48First offence of it, honey.
03:52I can't see what's so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil anyway.
03:57Well, it must be bad.
04:01Crawling.
04:01Crawling.
04:04Otherwise, you wouldn't have tempted them into it.
04:08Oh, they just said, get up there and make some trouble.
04:11Well, obviously, you're a demon.
04:12It's what you do.
04:14Not very subtle of the Almighty, though.
04:17Fruit tree in the middle of a garden where they don't touch sign.
04:20Why not put it on the top of a high mountain?
04:23Or on the moon?
04:25Makes you wonder what God's really planning.
04:28Best not to speculate.
04:30It's all part of the Great Plan.
04:31It's not for us to understand.
04:35It's ineffable.
04:37The Great Plan's ineffable?
04:40Exactly.
04:41It is beyond understanding, and incapable of being put into words.
04:46Didn't you have a flaming sword?
04:49Uh.
04:50You did.
04:50It was flaming like anything.
04:51What happened to it?
04:54Lost it already, haven't you?
04:57Gave it away.
04:58You what?
04:58I gave it away.
05:00There are vicious animals.
05:02It's going to be cold out there, and she's expecting already.
05:05And I said, here you go, flaming sword.
05:07Don't thank me.
05:08And don't let the sun go down on you here.
05:12I do hope I didn't do the wrong thing.
05:15Oh, you're an angel.
05:16I don't think you can do the wrong thing.
05:18Oh, oh.
05:20Oh, thank you.
05:22Oh, it's been bothering me.
05:25I've been worrying too.
05:28What if I did the right thing with a whole eat the apple business?
05:32Demon can get into a lot of trouble for doing the right thing.
05:38It'd be funny if we both got it wrong, eh?
05:40If I did the good thing and you did the bad one.
05:46No.
05:48Wouldn't be funny at all.
05:53Good Omens.
05:55Being a narrative of certain events occurring in the last 11 years of human history,
06:00in strict accordance, as shall be shown,
06:02with the nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter, witch.
06:05We'll see you next time.
06:17Yeah.
06:23Yeah.
09:15Of course.
09:17Deeds.
09:18Yeah.
09:18I've tempted a priest.
09:20As he walked down the street, he saw all the pretty girls in the sun.
09:23I put doubt into his mind.
09:25He would have been a saint.
09:27Now, within a decade, we shall have him.
09:30Yeah, nice one.
09:33I have corrupted a politician.
09:35Let him think that a tiny bribe wouldn't hurt.
09:39Within a year, we shall have him.
09:42All right, you'll like this.
09:43I brought down every London-area mobile phone network tonight.
09:52Yeah.
09:53Yeah, it wasn't easy.
09:54What exactly has that done to secure souls for our master?
09:57Oh, come on, think about it.
10:00Fifteen million pissed-off people to take it out on each other.
10:03It's not exactly.
10:05Craftmanship.
10:06Well, head office don't seem to mind.
10:08They love me down there, guys.
10:10Times are changing.
10:11So, what's up?
10:15This is...
10:19No.
10:21Yes.
10:25Already?
10:29Yes.
10:31And it's up to me?
10:33Yes.
10:37You know, this really is my scene.
10:41Your scene.
10:43Your starring role.
10:46Take it.
10:47Like I said,
10:50times are changing.
10:51They come to an end for a start.
10:54Why me?
10:55They love you down there.
10:57And what an opportunity.
10:58Liger here would give his right arm to be you tonight.
11:02Not if someone's right arm, anyway.
11:05Sign here.
11:15Now what?
11:16You will receive your instructions.
11:19Why so glum?
11:20The moment we've been working for all these centuries is at hand.
11:24Centuries.
11:25Our moment of eternal triumph awaits.
11:29Triumph.
11:30And you will be a tool of that glorious destiny.
11:34Glorious tool.
11:36Yeah.
11:38Okay, I'll, um, be off then.
11:42Get it over with.
11:43Not I want to get it over with, obviously.
11:45But I'll be popping along.
11:47Great.
11:48Fine.
11:49Yep.
11:54Ciao.
11:56What's that mean?
11:57Ciao.
11:59It's Italian.
12:00It means food.
12:05Crowley was all in favor of Armageddon in general terms.
12:09But it was one thing to work to bring it about.
12:11And quite another for it to actually happen.
12:14Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, warn me!
12:19It was because you earned it, Crowley, didn't you?
12:22What you did to the M25 was a stroke of demonic genius, darling.
12:26The M25?
12:28Yeah, what?
12:29Yeah, I'm glad it went down so well.
12:31Here are your instructions.
12:33This is the big one, Crowley.
12:35I see a little silhouette of a man.
12:38Scara-boosh, scara-boosh.
12:39Will you do the Pat-dunko?
12:41Thunderbolts are coming.
12:43Very, very frightening.
12:45Beep.
12:47Ah!
12:49Beep.
12:49Beep.
12:51Eh,こちら,お好きな巻きずしのセレクションになります.
12:56親愛なるアジー・ラフェイルさん.
12:58Oh,大将,それはわざわざ.
13:00ありがとう.
13:12Mind if I join you?
13:13Gabriel, what an unexpected pleasure.
13:16It's been...
13:17Quite a while.
13:18Yes.
13:21Why do you consume that?
13:24You're an angel.
13:25It's sushi.
13:27It's nice.
13:28You dip it in soy sauce.
13:31It's what humans do.
13:32And if I am going to be living here among them,
13:35while keeping up appearances.
13:37Tea?
13:37I do not sully the temple of my celestial body with...
13:42roast matter.
13:43Obviously not.
13:45My suit.
13:45Yes, I like the clothes.
13:48Pity they won't be around much longer.
13:50They won't?
13:51We have reliable information that things are afoot.
13:57They are?
13:58Yes.
13:59My informant suggests that the demon Crowley may be involved.
14:04You need to keep him under observation.
14:06Without, of course, letting him know that's what you're doing.
14:08I do know.
14:10I've been on Earth doing this since the beginning of him.
14:12So does Crowley.
14:14It's a miracle he hasn't spotted you yet.
14:16Yes, I know.
14:19Miracles are what we do.
14:27Meet Deirdre and Arthur Young.
14:29They live in the Oxfordshire village of Tadfield.
14:32Are we there yet, Arthur?
14:35Four minutes apart.
14:36It's definitely this way.
14:38It's just the roads look all different in the dark.
14:40The nuns said to come in when they were four to five minutes apart.
14:43It's just a bit...
14:58Meet Harriet Dowling and her husband, American diplomat Thaddeus Dowling.
15:03Breathe, honey.
15:05Just breathe.
15:06I am breathing, God damn it, Tad.
15:08Why aren't you here?
15:09Honey, I'm with you.
15:10I'm with you.
15:11I'm just also here with the president.
15:14Hey, Harriet.
15:15Sorry we had to borrow your husband.
15:18Earth is the single most joyous co-experience that two human beings can share.
15:22And I'm not going to miss a second of it.
15:24Tad, if we can get back to the matter at hand.
15:26I'll get back to you, honey.
15:27You're meant to be with me, you useless son of a...
15:31At some point this evening, Mrs. Dowling will arrive.
15:35She will undoubtedly have secret service agents with her.
15:39You are all to ensure that they see nothing untoward.
15:43Sister Teresa and I will deliver the Dowling's child in room four.
15:48Once he has been born, we will remove the baby boy from the mother
15:54and give her back our master's child.
16:00Everything is ready.
16:03Tonight, it begins.
16:07Sister Mary Loquatius.
16:09Yes, excuse me, Mother Superior.
16:11I was wondering where the other baby was going to come from.
16:15Not the American baby.
16:16I mean, that's obvious.
16:17That's just the birds and the bees.
16:22Master Crowley is on his way with our Dark Lord-to-be, Sister Mary.
16:27We do not need to know more than that.
16:30We are satanic nuns of the chattering order of St. Beryl.
16:35And tonight is what our order was created for.
16:39Sister Grace, you are on duty reception.
16:43Sisters Maria of Abos and Catherine Prolix,
16:46you will assist Sister Teresa.
16:50The rest of you know your duties.
16:53What's the ambulance?
16:55Places!
16:59Excuse me, Mother Superior.
17:00I didn't get a job.
17:02Probably an oversight.
17:04Yes, of course.
17:05You could make sure there are biscuits,
17:08the kind with pink icing.
17:09I think we had a tin in the convent larder.
17:12Oh, God.
17:31Oh, God!
17:36Breathe.
17:38Breathe, Deidre.
17:39Breathe.
17:40I'm not being here.
17:40I'm not being here.
17:41Always excuse me.
17:41Deirdre Young, contractions now for four minutes apart!
17:48Welcome to St. Beryl's, Mrs. Young.
17:50We weren't expecting you till next week.
17:52Now, Arthur will be with me while I'm in neighbour.
17:56I'm afraid not.
17:58We believe that fathers just complicate the process for everybody.
18:03We'll let them know when to come up.
18:05I'm not going to argue with nuns.
18:07Nussies know what they're doing, Deirdre.
18:09I'll see you when it's...
18:11She'll be in room three.
18:14Right.
18:16Good luck.
18:19It may help to understand human affairs
18:21to know that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history
18:24are caused not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad,
18:29but by people being fundamentally people.
18:32You've left your lights on.
18:34Oh, that's clever.
18:36Is it infrared?
18:38Has it started yet?
18:39Um, they made me go out.
18:42No idea how long we've got?
18:43I think we were getting on with it, Doctor.
18:46Got it.
18:47What room's she in?
18:47Um, we're in room three.
18:49Room three.
18:50Got it.
18:52There's a trick they do with three playing cards,
18:54which is very hard to follow.
18:55And something like it,
18:56for greater stakes than a handful of loose change,
18:59is about to take place.
19:03Deirdre Young is in delivery room three.
19:06She has just given birth to a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby A.
19:14Harriet Dowling is giving birth in delivery room four.
19:17She is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby B.
19:29Sister Mary Loquatius is about to be handed a golden-haired male baby we will call The Adversary.
19:35Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of this World, and Lord of Darkness.
19:48Oh, is that him?
19:49Yep.
19:51And he had expected funny eyes, or teensy-weensy little hoffykins, or a little tail?
19:58It's definitely him.
20:00Fancy me holding the Antichrist, counting his little dozy-wozies.
20:05Does he look like your daddy?
20:07I bet he does.
20:08Do you look like your daddy-woodykins?
20:10He doesn't.
20:10Take him up to room three.
20:12Room three.
20:13Do you think he'll remember me when he grows up?
20:15Pray that he doesn't.
20:21Three babies.
20:23Watch carefully.
20:24Round and round they go.
20:27Sister Mary, what are you doing here?
20:28Shouldn't you be taking biscuits to the refectory?
20:30Master Crowley said to take the baby to room three.
20:49We'll get on with it then.
21:07We'll get on with it then.
21:10I'm the father.
21:11The husband.
21:12Both.
21:13Oh, yes.
21:14Congratulations.
21:16Your lady was asleep.
21:17Poor pet.
21:22Twins?
21:24Nobody said anything about twins.
21:26Oh, no.
21:27Oh, no.
21:27This one's yours.
21:28That one's someone else's.
21:31Just looking after him.
21:32No, no.
21:33This one is definitely yours.
21:36Your ambassadorship from the top of his head to the tips of his woofie-woofies.
21:40Which he hasn't got.
21:42All present and correct, is he?
21:45Oh, yes.
21:46Normal.
21:47Very, very normal.
21:51A boy.
21:53Mr. President.
21:54I have the honor, sir, to report myself the father of a regular Y-chromosomed son.
22:00Now, we just have to take him away for a minute to weigh him and the usual.
22:06This father of a male boy son is all yours, Mr. President.
22:11Quiet.
22:23Where's the baby?
22:25Satan, give me strength.
22:28Do you know where our master's child is?
22:30Sister Mary Loquitius has him.
22:31In room three.
22:35Now, we call these biscuits, but you'll be looking at them and going, oh, cookies.
22:41I call them biscuits.
22:45As methods of human communication go, the human wink is quite versatile.
22:50For example, Sister Teresa's meant...
22:53Where the hell have you been?
22:55We're ready to make the switch.
22:56And here's you in the wrong room with the adversary, destroyer of kings, angel of the bottomless pit, prince of
23:01this world, and lord of darkness drinking tea.
23:03And as far as she was concerned, Sister Mary's answering wink meant...
23:08This child is the adversary, destroyer of kings, angel of the bottomless pit, prince of this world, and lord of
23:13darkness.
23:14But I can't talk now because there's this outsider here.
23:16Sister Mary, on the other hand, had thought that Sister Teresa's wink was more on the lines of...
23:22Well done, that Sister Mary. Switched over the babies all by herself.
23:26Now, indicate to me the superfluous child, and I shall remove it and let you get on with your tea
23:31with His Royal Excellency, the American Ambassador.
23:36Extra baby removal.
23:40But I'm wittering on.
23:42Where were you before you took up this appointment?
23:46Swindon.
23:52Here's your little man back, all cleaned up and weighed.
23:57Look, honey, for a son.
24:01He's beautiful, hon.
24:03What a little tyke, huh?
24:06Oh.
24:08Seeing him makes me understand what's important in life.
24:12It's not work.
24:13I'm going to teach him to play baseball, and on Sundays we'll go fishing.
24:19Sorry, honey, we'll call you back.
24:22You must name the child.
24:25Well, we were going to name him Thaddeus, after his dad and his dad's dad.
24:31Damien's an excellent name.
24:33Damien Dowling? Too alliterative.
24:37Warlock, then.
24:38It's an old English name.
24:40A good name.
24:46Hello, warlock.
24:51Damien?
24:55No, I'd always fancied something more, well, traditional.
25:00We've always gone in for good, simple names in our family.
25:04Cane.
25:05Very modern sound, cane, really.
25:09Well, there's always...
25:12I mean, there's always Adam.
25:16Adam.
25:21Adam.
25:28Come on, little one.
25:31Do you know, Deirdre, I think he looks like an Adam.
25:41It would be nice to think that the nuns had the surplus baby discreetly adopted, that he grew to be
25:47a happy, normal child, and then grew further to become a normal, fairly contented adult.
25:52And perhaps that is what happened.
25:55He probably wins prizes for his tropical fish.
26:05He probably wins prizes for his tropical fish.
26:27I'm afraid we're quite definitely closed.
26:30Aziraphale, it's me.
26:32We need to talk.
26:34Yes.
26:34Yes, I rather think we do.
26:36I assume this is about Armageddon.
26:44Everyone knows the best place for a clandestine meeting in London is, and always has been, St. James's Park.
26:51They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents that they've developed Pavlovian reactions to them.
26:57The Russian cultural attache's black bread is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck.
27:05Crowley and Aziraphale have been meeting here for quite some time.
27:08You're sure it was the Antichrist?
27:11I should know.
27:11I delivered the baby.
27:13Well, not delivered, delivered.
27:14No, I just handed it over.
27:18An American diplomat.
27:20Really?
27:21As if Armageddon were a cinematographic show you wish to sell in as many countries as possible.
27:27The earth and all the kingdoms thereof.
27:29We will win, of course.
27:32You really believe that?
27:34Obviously.
27:35Heaven will, finally, triumph over hell.
27:38It's all going to be rather lovely.
27:41Out of interest, how many first-class composers do your lot have in heaven?
27:45Because Mozart's one of ours.
27:47Beethoven.
27:48Uh, Schubert.
27:50Uh, all of the Bachs.
27:51They have already written their music.
27:54And you'll never hear it again.
27:57No more Albert Hall.
27:58No more Glyndebourne.
27:59Just celestial harmonies.
28:02Well, that's just the start of what you lose if you win.
28:05No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you.
28:09No Gravelax and Dilt Sauce.
28:12No more old bookshops.
28:19We've only got 11 years and then it's all over.
28:22We have to work together.
28:24No.
28:25It's the end of the world we're talking about.
28:27It's not some little temptation I've asked you to come before me while you're up in Edinburgh
28:30for the festival.
28:31You can't say no.
28:32No.
28:32We can do something.
28:34I have an idea.
28:35No, I am not interested.
28:38Well, let's have lunch.
28:39Hmm?
28:41I still owe you one from...
28:45Paris.
28:471793.
28:49Yes.
28:50The Reign of Terror.
28:52Was that one of ours or one of yours?
28:54Can't recall.
28:56We had crepes.
29:06Hmm.
29:09That was scrumptious.
29:12So, what are you in the mood for now?
29:15Alcohol.
29:17Quite extraordinary amounts of alcohol.
29:20I have several very nice bottles of Chateauneuf-de-Pape in the back.
29:25I picked up a dozen cases in 1921, and there's still some left.
29:28For special occasions.
29:32Not very big on wine in heaven, are they, there?
29:36You wouldn't get any more nice little Chateauneuf-de-Pape in heaven.
29:39Or single malt scotch.
29:41Or little...
29:42Little frou-frou cocktails with umbrellas.
29:45Crowley, I've told you, I'm not helping you.
29:48I'm not interested.
29:48This is purely social.
29:51I am an angel.
29:52Crowley, you are a demon.
29:53We're hereditary enemies.
29:55Get thee behind me, foul fiend.
29:59After me.
30:01That night, Arthur and Deirdre Young proudly took the baby they believed was theirs,
30:06home to the quiet English village of Tadfield.
30:09The Antichrist had been on Earth for 24 hours.
30:16While in London's Soho, an angel and a demon had been drinking solidly for the last six of them.
30:25So what, what exactly is your point?
30:29My point is, my point is, dolphins.
30:35That's my point.
30:37Big brains, size of, damn big brains.
30:42It's not, not to mention the whales.
30:44Brain city whales.
30:46Crackin'.
30:46Oh, great big bugger.
30:50It's supposed to rise up to the surface, right?
30:53Right up, at the end.
30:55When the sea boils.
30:57What?
30:58That's my point.
31:00Whole sea bubbling.
31:01The dolphins, the whales.
31:03Everybody turning into booyaboo.
31:05Booyaboo.
31:06Booyaboo.
31:08Booyaboo.
31:09Wait, fish stew.
31:10Anyway, it's not their fault.
31:11And that's the same with gorillas.
31:14They say, like, whoop, they say, like, the sky's gone red.
31:17There's stars crashing down.
31:20And what are they putting in bananas these days?
31:22They're all creatures.
31:24Great and small.
31:26You know what's worse?
31:28When it's all over, you've got to deal with...
31:33ETERNITY!
31:36Eternity?
31:37No, it won't be so bad at first.
31:39Although, no Stephen Sondheim first nights in Eternity, I'm afraid.
31:44Although, I have heard rumours that your boss really loves...
31:49It's the sound of music!
31:51Ooh, fancy spending eternity watching that?
31:54Could literally climb every mountain over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
31:58I don't like it any more than you do.
32:00But I told you, I can't dis...
32:04Not do what I'm told.
32:08I can't cope with this while I'm drunk.
32:11I'm going to sober up.
32:12Yeah, me too.
32:29Harriet Dowling took baby Warlock to his new home, an official London residence.
32:34Whee!
32:36Whee!
32:36Whee!
32:37Whee!
32:38Whee!
32:38Whee!
32:41Whee!
32:42Whee!
32:42Whee!
32:43Our mission is done, Lord Huster.
32:45The baby is in place, and his parents are none the wiser.
32:49Well, no need for the convent any longer then, is there?
32:52I'm afraid I...
32:53Your order's dissolved.
32:53What?
32:54Your order's dissolved.
32:56Well, what?
32:56Hang on a moment.
32:57We did everything that was asked of us.
32:59What about our reward?
33:00So irritating.
33:01We never shut up, do you?
33:03We are a chattering order.
33:04We say what is on our minds, and right now what's on my mind is that you can't treat us
33:08like...
33:10Would you like to tell them that the order is dissolved?
33:13Or would you rather that they all perish than the fire?
33:16Well, come on!
33:36Even if I wanted help, I couldn't.
33:39I can't interfere with the divine plan.
33:41Well, what about diabolical plans?
33:45You can't be certain that thwarting me isn't part of the divine plan, too.
33:50You're supposed to thwart the wiles of the evil one at every turn, are you?
33:55Well...
33:56See a wile, you thwart, am I right?
33:59I... broadly.
34:01Actually, I encourage humans to do the actual.
34:04Well, the Antichrist has been born.
34:06But it's the upbringing that's important, the influences.
34:09The evil influences...
34:12That's all gonna be me.
34:15It would be too bad if someone made sure that I failed.
34:24If you put it that way, heaven couldn't actually object if I was thwarting you.
34:32No.
34:33Be a real feather in your wing.
34:44We'd be godfathers.
34:46Sort of.
34:47Overseeing his upbringing.
34:50If we do it right, he won't be evil.
34:52All good.
34:53He'll just...
34:53He'll be normal.
34:55It might work.
34:58Godfather.
35:00Well, I'll be damned.
35:03It's not that bad when you get used to it.
35:16I understand you need a nanny.
35:22They do say as you might be looking for a gardener.
35:30Oh, young master warlock.
35:34You're growing fast.
35:37You must be all of, um...
35:40Five.
35:41I'm five.
35:43What's that?
35:45Oh, that's Brother Pigeon.
35:49Brother Snail.
35:52Ooh.
35:53And Sister Slug.
35:55Now, you remember, young warlock, as you grow, to have love and reverence for all living things.
36:08Nanny says living things are only fit to be ground under my heels, Brother Francis.
36:14Well, don't you listen to her.
36:17You listen to me.
36:27Will you sing me a lullaby, Nanny?
36:30Of course, dear.
36:34Go to sleep and dream of pain.
36:41Doom and darkness, blood and brains.
36:49Sleep so sweet, my darling boy.
36:56You will rule when Earth's destroyed.
37:03The gardener says that I must be kind and nice to everybody.
37:09Even Sister Slug.
37:11And not ever destroy the Earth.
37:13Don't listen to him.
37:16Listen to me.
37:19There are many doors that will take you to Heaven or to Hell.
37:22But when Crowley and Aziraphale report in an official capacity to their respective head offices, they take the main entrance.
37:37Tell us about the boy, Warlock.
37:39He's a remarkable child, Lord Beelzebub.
37:42But it's evil.
37:45Fantastically evil.
37:46Killed anyone yet?
37:48Not yet, but there's more to evil than just killing people, eh?
37:52I suppose.
37:54But it's fun.
37:55Have you encountered any problems from the... opposition?
38:00They don't suspect a thing.
38:04I am proud to say that on a very real level, the Antichrist child is now being influenced towards the
38:13light.
38:14Very commendable, Aziraphale. Excellent work, as usual.
38:17Yes.
38:18But, Aziraphale, we will be most understanding when you fail.
38:23After all, wars are to be won.
38:26Not avoided.
38:28But I won't fail.
38:30I mean, that would be bad.
38:31Aziraphale, what you're doing is praiseworthy, but obviously doomed to failure.
38:39Still, as the Almighty likes to say, climb every mountain.
38:48Forward every stream.
39:02The boy's too normal.
39:05Excellent. It's working.
39:07The heavenly influences are balancing out the hellish.
39:10And no score draw.
39:12I hope you're right. I've got six years left to go.
39:15Crowley?
39:16Yeah.
39:17I mean, if he comes into his full power, how do we stop him then?
39:25I'm sure it won't come to that.
39:54He's big.
39:55He's the biggest we've got.
39:56Only the best for our young master to be.
39:59Do you think he's hungry?
40:01Only one way to find out.
40:04You, get in there.
40:06Me?
40:07Yes, yes, you.
40:13Watch out for his teeth.
40:19It's not like you didn't tell him to look out for the teeth.
40:23I think he was hungry.
40:26Warlock, are you listening to me, honey?
40:29Look what they used to think dinosaurs looked like.
40:31Whatever.
40:31They're old and educational.
40:33It's dumb.
40:34It's not dumb, sweetie.
40:35It's a dinosaur.
40:36Dinosaur, more like.
40:38Can we talk about my birthday party?
40:40Why can't we have my party in an escape room?
40:43Honey, for the last time, we've already hired him.
40:46The mom!
40:47Well, we've done everything we can.
40:50All we can do now is wait for his birthday.
40:54The hellhound will be the key.
40:55Shows up at three on Wednesday.
40:58Right.
40:59You've never actually mentioned a hellhound before.
41:03Oh, yeah.
41:04Yeah, they're sending him a hellhound.
41:06A pad by his side and guard him from all harm.
41:10Yeah.
41:11Biggest one they've got.
41:12Won't people remark on the sudden appearance of a huge black dog?
41:15His parents, for a start?
41:17No one will notice anything.
41:19It's reality, Angel.
41:21And young Warlock can do what he likes with that,
41:23whether he knows it or not.
41:27It's the start of it all.
41:28The boy's meant to name it.
41:30Stalks by night.
41:32Throat ripper, something like that.
41:33But if you and I have done our job properly,
41:36then he'll send it away unnamed.
41:39What if he does name it?
41:41Then you and I have lost.
41:42He'll have all his powers and Armageddon will be days away.
41:46There must be some way of stopping it.
41:49If there was no boy,
41:52then the process would stop.
41:54Yes, but there is a boy.
41:55He's over there,
41:57writing a rude word on a description of a dinosaur.
41:59Well, there is a boy now.
42:01That could change.
42:05Something could happen to him.
42:09I'm saying you could kill him.
42:14I've never actually killed anything.
42:21I don't think I could.
42:26Not even to save everything.
42:32One life against the universe.
42:41This hellhound,
42:43it'll show up at his birthday party.
42:45Yeah.
42:45Well, then we should be there.
42:47Maybe I can stop the doc.
42:49In fact, I could entertain.
42:51No, no, no, please no.
42:52No.
42:53I just need to get back into practice.
42:54Oh, no, no.
42:55Don't do your magic act.
42:56Please.
42:57Please.
42:58I'm actually begging you.
42:59You've no idea how demeaning that is.
43:01Please.
43:04In your finger.
43:05No, it was in your ear.
43:06It was in your pocket.
43:07It was close to your ear.
43:09Never anywhere near my ear.
43:11Well, no fun.
43:12Fun?
43:12Yes.
43:13It's humiliating.
43:15You can do proper magic.
43:16You can make things disappear.
43:17But it's not as fun.
43:18Make you disappear.
43:21Where has he got to?
43:23Is he in here?
43:25Somewhere?
43:27There he is.
43:29We'll come back to that one.
43:31You sees me old top hat.
43:33But wait.
43:37What's this?
43:39Could it be our old furry friend,
43:44Harry the Rabbit?
43:47It was in the table.
43:49You said there was going to be a celebrity magician.
43:52I had Penn and Teller at my party.
43:54And I had to sign at the disco.
43:56And I got to...
43:56You're rubbish.
43:58Excuse me.
43:59Excuse me.
44:00He's right, you know.
44:01You are actually rubbish.
44:04Five.
44:05Four.
44:06Three.
44:08Two.
44:11The time is upon us.
44:13As soon as the boy names the hound, Armageddon will begin.
44:20Go.
44:21Find your master.
44:22Go.
44:28He's not back yet.
44:30We're standing in Hogback Wood playing with his friends.
44:33I've told him to be home by tea time.
44:35Right.
44:35Well, give me a shout when he gets back.
44:37And then we can light the candles.
44:53That was the best 11th birthday ever!
44:57It was all a bit of a disaster, I'm afraid.
44:59Nonsense.
45:00You're going all a party to remember.
45:02Last one, any of them.
45:03I'll have a hand of mine.
45:04It's late.
45:06It comes to putting it up your sleeve.
45:08No.
45:12The hellhound.
45:13It's late.
45:15The isle of the sky and your time starts...
45:18Hello, Crowley.
45:20Uh, hi.
45:21Who's this?
45:21Dagon.
45:22Lord of the Files.
45:24Master of Torments.
45:25Yeah, just checking in about the hellhound.
45:27He should be with you by now.
45:29Why?
45:30Has something gone wrong, Crowley?
45:33Wrong?
45:33No, no.
45:34Nothing's wrong.
45:35What could be wrong?
45:35Oh, no, I see him now.
45:37Yes.
45:37What a lovely big helly hellhound.
45:40Yes.
45:40Okay.
45:41Great talking to you.
45:43No dog.
45:45No dog.
45:48Wrong boy.
45:52Wrong boy.
45:54The right boy was playing in the woods with his friends.
45:57After all, it was his birthday.
46:00Hogbackwood was their Eden, where they could play, unbothered by adults.
46:04The children called themselves the Them.
46:07Pepper and Brian.
46:10Wensleydale.
46:11And the birthday boy.
46:12Their leader, who found their den and invented the best games of all.
46:17Adam.
46:28It's my birthday.
46:29Of course I'm gonna get a doll.
46:30They never get what you want.
46:32I wanted a bike.
46:33And I asked for it.
46:35And I told them I wanted a razor blade saddle and twelve gears and everything.
46:39And do you know what they got me?
46:41A girl's bike.
46:42With a basket.
46:44But you are actually a girl, Pepper.
46:46That's just sexist.
46:47I want a dog.
46:49Oh, right.
46:50And your mum and dad are just gonna get you a big old rotten wire then, Adam.
46:53I don't want a big dog.
46:55I want the kind of dog you can have fun with.
46:57A little dog.
46:59I want a dog that's brilliantly intelligent and can go down rabbit holes and I can teach tricks.
47:04And I'll call him...
47:07And this is the moment.
47:08The naming.
47:09This will give it its purpose, its function, its identity.
47:13This is the moment that sets Armageddon into motion.
47:18The hellhound growls a low rumbling snarl of spring-coiled menace.
47:23The sort of growl that starts on the back of one throat and ends up deep in someone else's.
47:28I think I'll call him Dog.
47:33It saves a lot of trouble a name like that.
47:35And what, this dog's just gonna turn up?
47:37Maybe.
47:44Here boy, come on.
48:04Armageddon is days away and we've lost the Antichrist.
48:08Why did the powers of hell have to drag me into this anyway?
48:11Well, don't quote me on this but I'm pretty sure it's because of all those memos you kept sending them.
48:16Saying how amazingly well you were doing.
48:18Is it my fault they never check up?
48:20I'm to blame, they never check up.
48:23Everyone that stretches the truth a bit in memos to head office, you know that.
48:26Yes, but you told him you invented the Spanish Inquisition.
48:30And started the Second World War.
48:32So the humans beat me to it, that's not my fault.
48:36Something's changed.
48:37Oh, it's a new cologne.
48:38My barber suggests.
48:39No, no, I know what you smell like.
48:45The hellhound has found its master.
48:48Are you sure?
48:49I felt it.
48:50Would I lie to you?
48:51Well, obviously you're a demon, that's what you do.
48:53I'm not lying.
48:54The boy, wherever he is, has the dog.
48:58He's named it.
48:59It's done.
49:00He's coming into his power.
49:03We're doomed.
49:05Well then.
49:08Welcome to the end times.
49:22Coming to you.
49:22.
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