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مسلسل Douglas Is Cancelled مترجم - Episode 1
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00:01That's all for today. Same time tomorrow?
00:04Why not? See you at 6.
00:08That's us off air. Thank you, studio.
00:11Thanks very much.
00:13Jenny, see you off air.
00:15Was I okay with George?
00:17Sorry, what?
00:17Pensions minister.
00:18What?
00:19Did I get the right figures?
00:21Just a sec.
00:22What, you're looking it up?
00:23No, no.
00:25How was the wedding?
00:27Wedding?
00:27Your cousins, wasn't it?
00:29Oh, yes, it was fine.
00:30Was I okay with the pensions minister?
00:32Yeah, of course.
00:32I mean, were my figures right?
00:34Well, not yet, but we'll do some research.
00:36Thanks.
00:37Bibs.
00:38Nice one to do.
00:39Cheers.
00:40Tomorrow?
00:41Yeah, tomorrow.
00:46Big one, what's it?
00:48Big what?
00:49The wedding.
00:49Is it big?
00:50Yeah, I suppose.
00:51I left my coat somewhere.
00:52Makeup.
00:52I put it in your dressing room.
00:54Thanks.
00:55How many guests?
00:56I don't know.
00:58200?
00:58300?
00:59Oh, nice.
01:00So, just the right size then?
01:02Yeah.
01:03Closer to two or three.
01:05I'm sorry?
01:06Closer to two or three hundred, what would you say?
01:09More than 300?
01:10350?
01:11Is something wrong?
01:13There's been a tweet.
01:15What tweet?
01:15This one.
01:19Basically, you were overheard.
01:20Were you a bit loud, were you?
01:22Well, this is nothing.
01:23Okay.
01:24Good.
01:24I mean, it's nothing, isn't it?
01:26Is it?
01:27Of course it's nothing.
01:28Well, that's a relief.
01:28I'm so glad.
01:30I was at a family wedding, for God's sake.
01:32Yeah, exactly.
01:33Family wedding.
01:33Whose business is that?
01:34Nobody's business.
01:35It's not even worth talking about.
01:36Well, you don't have to talk about it.
01:39Do you want to talk about it?
01:40No.
01:40Good.
01:41Good then.
01:41Let's not do that.
01:43Let's not talk about it.
02:19Let's start with an account of what happened.
02:22An honest account?
02:23No, an account.
02:24We can move in the direction of honesty once we've decided on the facts.
02:27In the direction of honesty?
02:28I'm not ruling out honesty at this stage.
02:31So, you're at the wedding, it's evening due, it's late.
02:34I was a little drunk.
02:35Not in my opinion.
02:36I'm sorry?
02:37I disagree about you being drunk.
02:39You weren't there.
02:39We're journalists.
02:40We're never there.
02:41Having opinions about things we didn't witness is the entire point of our existence.
02:44We are the brave few who turn up after the event and explain it to everyone else who missed it.
02:49How do you get through the day being this cynical?
02:51Unheard.
02:52So, at some point, surrounded by friends, probably laughing friends, you made some sort of a joke.
02:59A harmless joke?
03:00Harmless?
03:00Yes, harmless.
03:01Completely harmless.
03:03Overheard presenter Douglas Bellows making an extremely sexist joke at a wedding party.
03:08Disgusted.
03:09The tweeter doesn't seem to think it was harmless.
03:10Why is that, do you think?
03:11Because the tweeter is an idiot.
03:13Tell me more.
03:13I don't know anymore.
03:14I didn't see her.
03:15I didn't even notice her.
03:16But you know about the idiocy.
03:17I'm assuming the idiocy.
03:19Because of a single tweet accusing you of sexism.
03:21Yes.
03:21Ironically enough.
03:22Ironically.
03:23Because you're also assuming the tweeter's a woman.
03:25Oh, Christ.
03:27Patrick Harland.
03:28Man, I'd say, wouldn't you?
03:29Yes, that does seem likely.
03:30The hymn.
03:31Sounds pretty sure.
03:34What was the joke?
03:36I don't know.
03:37You don't know?
03:38I don't remember what I said.
03:39It was a wedding three days ago.
03:41I was drinking.
03:42Why would I remember?
03:42Okay, I see.
03:43So, you don't remember the joke, but you do remember it was harmless.
03:47Yes.
03:47Just like you remember that someone you never even notice is an idiot and a woman just because
03:52she, oops, he, remembers it a bit differently from you.
03:55Yes.
03:56Even though you don't remember it at all.
03:57I'm just telling you the truth.
03:59Isn't that what you want?
03:59Well, the truth is useful, yes, but I prefer something a little more balanced.
04:03We're in news.
04:03Truth is only one side of the story.
04:05This isn't news.
04:06It's going to be news.
04:07It's you.
04:09Like it or not, Douglas, and I don't much, there are a rare few in this world who carry the
04:13burden
04:14of power and influence.
04:16And five evenings a week, you walk into a television studio and read out their names
04:21from an autocue.
04:22Now it's a fact that audiences over time begin to associate television presenters with real
04:28people.
04:29It's deluded, but it's inevitable.
04:31In every crisis and natural disaster for the last 10 years, they've seen you out there
04:36on the front line, introducing the footage.
04:39For over a decade, your face has been the clear popular choice for wars, famines, atrocities,
04:47and royals.
04:48When a national treasure dies, it comes out of your mouth.
04:51As far as our viewers are concerned, your voice is what makes famous people dead.
04:54So please use that instrument of death with care.
04:57How many times do I have to tell you?
04:59When you're out in public, when civilians can hear you, you must be balanced, boring,
05:04and bland.
05:05You should be aspiring to net zero cognitive content, not slobbering out witticisms like
05:11you've cornered the weather girl at the Christmas party.
05:13Well, what about Madeline?
05:14Madeline?
05:15She's all over social media.
05:17She might see this.
05:18So what?
05:19Well, she's, you know.
05:21What is she?
05:22Well, she's, sometimes she's...
05:25I'm holding my breath in terror at your next adjective.
05:27I'm praying it will not refer to the fact that she's female.
05:29Well, Madeline is...
05:31Madeline.
05:32Well done.
05:33Well, net zero cognitive content.
05:35Verging on thought for the day.
05:36Madeline will be fine.
05:37She adores you.
05:38You know that.
05:38Okay.
05:39Everyone knows that.
05:40Sorry, what?
05:40It's got 300 followers.
05:42Who has?
05:43Patrick Harland, the tweeter.
05:45300?
05:45Well, that's nothing.
05:46That's just friends and friends of friends and a bot farm in Russia.
05:49He's getting retweeted, though, and the retweets are getting retweeted.
05:52It'll blow over.
05:52Look, I've got a dinner thing.
05:53I'll talk to you later.
05:54I've got it on live updates.
05:56It's coming in waves now.
05:57It's like being Michael Caine in Zulu.
05:59It's nothing.
06:00It'll burn itself out.
06:01I'll see you.
06:04Douglas, seriously, what was the joke?
06:07I really don't remember.
06:09I hate jokes.
06:10Why can't people just say things?
06:14Hey, Madeline.
06:15Go run.
06:16Sorry.
06:16Good show.
06:17Let's do another one tomorrow.
06:19Yeah, tomorrow.
06:23I wasn't being racist, by the way.
06:25I'm sorry?
06:25I appreciate that Michael Caine was basically the aggressor.
06:28Oh, shut up.
06:35Hey.
06:37Straight home.
06:38Yeah, thanks.
06:46Got himself into trouble, hasn't he?
06:48Your fella.
06:49My fella?
06:50Yeah, yeah.
06:50Douglas, what's his name?
06:51My co-presenter.
06:52Your fella, yeah.
06:54What's he done now?
06:55Told a joke.
06:56A sexist joke.
06:57It's all over Twitter.
06:59Sounds like him.
07:00Was it funny?
07:00He didn't say it was funny.
07:01He just said that it was sexist.
07:03Sounds like Twitter.
07:04Or do we call it X now?
07:05I can't keep up.
07:06I don't think anyone can.
07:07Hey.
07:08You got the figures right.
07:09With the pensions guy.
07:11You were good.
07:12You were looking it up.
07:13Of course I was.
07:14You were checking on me.
07:16I mean, you were factly wrong, but I figured out a way you can be kind of right, so you
07:21haven't screwed up.
07:22What if I had?
07:23Oh, I'd have thrown you to the wolves, mate.
07:24Oh, okay.
07:26Wolves.
07:26That's fair.
07:27I'll phone you later about the thing tomorrow.
07:29You know, the link-up thing.
07:30Yeah, give me a couple of hours.
07:31I've got dinner with my agent.
07:32Okay.
07:33Uh, no.
07:34Phone me during dinner.
07:35I hate my agent.
07:37You got it.
07:41My wife thinks you've got chemistry.
07:43Excuse me?
07:44You and him.
07:45On telly.
07:46She thinks you've got chemistry.
07:47Oh, isn't that nice?
07:49How do you do that then?
07:50Create chemistry.
07:51On telly.
07:52Just sitting on a sofa.
07:54Well, generally you make the bloke about 20 years older.
07:58On Twitter, yeah?
07:59Bye.
08:00What's up?
08:00Yep.
08:03Yeah.
08:28Jason Williams.
08:30Jason, cancer by a kind.
08:34It's a big secret.
08:35Not sure who knows.
08:37Jason's dead.
08:38Dead?
08:39He died three weeks ago.
08:40Of what?
08:41Cancer.
08:42That was sudden.
08:43Well, no, it wasn't.
08:44Not for me.
08:46Okay, about this Twitter thing.
08:48Yeah.
08:48What do you think?
08:49Do you think there's a problem here?
08:52I mean, should I be doing anything, talking to anyone?
08:55Any ideas, any suggestions?
08:57Hang on.
09:01Hang on, hang on.
09:03Oh, God, where is it?
09:04Oh, there we go.
09:06What's this?
09:07My neighbour's son is a big fan.
09:08He wanted to sign the federal.
09:10Are you okay?
09:12Well, sure, thanks.
09:13He'll be thrilled.
09:14I need my neighbour to owe me a favour.
09:16My husband's pression for a gazebo.
09:20Okay, about the Twitter thing.
09:23Twitter.
09:25Twitter, Twitter.
09:26What can you do?
09:27Well, yes, what can I do?
09:28Exactly.
09:29What can anyone do?
09:30What, are you worried about it?
09:31About the tweet?
09:32About me?
09:33Are you worried about it?
09:34No, of course not.
09:35Really?
09:36Good.
09:36That's a relief.
09:37A relief?
09:38Yeah.
09:38Big load off.
09:39Thanks.
09:39So you are worried?
09:40Not now.
09:41You reassured me.
09:42Quite honestly, I was bricking it.
09:44Don't touch the food.
09:45But, uh, yeah, no, but in the unlikely event that, you know, there's any kind of a problem,
09:51this is Madeline.
09:52Yeah, neighbour's son, big fan.
09:54Can you get her to sign it?
09:55Well, she doesn't like this picture.
09:57She regretted it, but she prefers to look more serious.
10:00It's his favourite photo, though.
10:02He's got hundreds of them in his bedroom, but that's the one under his pillow.
10:05He's got underpants with that photo on them.
10:07Underpants.
10:08I don't think she'll be happy signing this photo for a child.
10:11He's 38.
10:18Is that Madeleine Crowe?
10:20Yes.
10:57You okay?
10:59Yeah.
11:01You found that thing about the joke?
11:03Yep.
11:04You found out what the joke was?
11:07No.
11:09So, what was the joke at the wedding?
11:11The misogynist joke.
11:12It wasn't misogynist, it was sexist.
11:15Are those different?
11:16No, of course they're different.
11:17What, so there's misogyny and sexism now?
11:19Yes.
11:20How am I supposed to remember two things?
11:25Look, about this joke.
11:27Yeah, what was it?
11:28I don't actually remember it.
11:30Seriously.
11:31I'm being serious.
11:32It was probably just one of your usual ones, yeah?
11:34My usual ones?
11:35Your usual misogynist ones.
11:36It was sexist, not misogynist.
11:38Look, my point is, in the event that anything happens, if anyone says anything or accuses me of anything, what
11:45do we do?
11:46Oh, simple.
11:47It's a piece of piss.
11:47It's the whole agency playing both of them.
11:50Okay.
11:50Well, we release a carefully worded statement.
11:53Saying what?
11:54Well, apologising, obviously, expressing remorse, obviously.
11:56Yes, obviously.
11:57And then explaining, with great regret, this agency is now severing its connection with Douglas Bellows following his recent unacceptable
12:02remarks.
12:03How does that help me?
12:05In the global sense.
12:06The global sense?
12:07Well, someone has to take one for the team.
12:09What team?
12:10Team you and me.
12:11And it's me?
12:11Well, you're all the misogynist.
12:12No, I'm the sexist!
12:18No, I'm the sexist.
12:43Do I have kind?
12:45Yes.
12:48Do you mind?
12:49No, go ahead.
12:50Toby.
12:51It's gone nuclear.
12:53What has?
12:54The tweet.
12:55What happened?
12:57Are you in a restaurant?
12:58If so, please step away from the table.
13:03What happened?
13:05Madeleine.
13:09I'm Madeleine and Douglas.
13:11Join me now.
13:12It's such a success Live at Six has been.
13:14You must be thrilled.
13:15We're absolutely young with the moon.
13:17It's been fantastic.
13:18So how did you two first meet?
13:20Was it on the show?
13:22Well, it would have been just before, I guess.
13:23Probably auditioning you.
13:25No, he did not audition me.
13:27He did not.
13:28Stop that right there.
13:29So did he offer you any advice?
13:32Oh, he's never stopped.
13:33He's at that age though, isn't he?
13:34You know, it just goes on and on.
13:36I think he keeps going when I'm not in the room.
13:37Yeah, just an old granddad really.
13:39Drowning off.
13:40That's true.
13:40So what was the first piece of advice he gave you?
13:45Um, he told me it was worth it.
13:47Um, this job.
13:48He told me whatever you have to wade through, this job is, uh, is worth it.
13:53Wait.
13:54Why are you watching this?
13:55Really?
13:55Oh, hi.
13:57Did I say that?
13:57I don't remember saying that.
13:58Sorry.
13:59It was in your say programs.
14:01You were outside in the car.
14:02I thought maybe you were working or on the phone or some shit.
14:06Didn't know you'd still be here.
14:07Well, just passing the time.
14:09Oh, well, I'm kind of busy tonight.
14:10Well, I could cook for you.
14:12I'll get a takeaway.
14:12Oh, you don't need to.
14:14I know I don't, but I'm going to.
14:16Oh, okay.
14:18Ah, it's just, you know, busy, busy.
14:20Yeah.
14:21Well, I'll just, uh, you know.
14:23I'll see you.
14:27Well, I'll call you.
14:28Okay.
14:30Or text you.
14:31Yeah, text.
14:35Right.
14:36Well, listen, hey, thanks for, you know.
14:38It's fine.
14:40Yeah.
14:42Yeah.
14:55Did I say that?
14:56I don't remember saying that.
14:57Yep, you said it.
14:58Wade?
14:58Did I say Wade?
14:59Yeah, you said Wade.
15:00Was he right?
15:01Was it worth the Wade?
15:06Madeline?
15:08I'll let you know.
15:31I'll let you know.
15:36Specific.
15:36God, no.
15:37He might believe you.
15:38The budget of Zoom in 10.
15:39Call me if there's anything urgent or funny.
15:41I'll stay for the zoo.
15:42Preferably funny.
15:43You missed the last two.
15:48Sheila?
15:49Ellen.
15:50Are you loitering for me?
15:54Um, you know that Twitter thing that I was going to tell you about?
15:58That you were going to tell me about?
16:00Um, the thing about your husband and the joke at the wedding.
16:05That you were going to tell me about and apparently didn't.
16:09At the last minute, I, um, internalized it.
16:12What in the name of God's holy arse was the point of that?
16:15Somnia said I should internalize when I'm feeling frightened of you.
16:18Somnia?
16:19Who the arse in T-wank is Somnia?
16:22HR.
16:25You okay?
16:28Everything's fine, is it?
16:30Um, she used to be called Anita, but she's sort of reimagined herself.
16:34Anita Varma?
16:34It's not Varma anymore.
16:36Okay.
16:36She's, um, moved on from her patronymic.
16:40Right.
16:41Good.
16:42So, about my husband on Twitter, what's he done now?
16:51Are you internalizing again?
16:54Are you allowed to say it out loud if you are internalizing?
17:02Right.
17:04Now listen.
17:05Listen, it's okay for you to say anything you like to me.
17:10You are my PA and it would be really, really helpful if you could speak.
17:16I promise to break eye contact on request and will never sustain it for more than 30 seconds.
17:22Can you just tell me, with my assurance of your complete personal safety,
17:29about my husband on Twitter?
17:36Um, yes.
17:38So, he was at a wedding and someone heard him make a sexist joke.
17:42Which one?
17:43Probably just one of his usual ones.
17:45Which wedding?
17:46Oh, um, it was three days ago.
17:48Donald's?
17:49Oh, God, he was so pissed.
17:50But I only left him alone for 20 minutes.
17:52If he's got himself in trouble again, that's his lookout.
17:54Let me know if anyone here wants to write about it.
17:57It's got worse, though.
17:58Worse?
17:59How?
18:00Madeline.
18:21For fuck's sake.
18:23Why would she do that?
18:24I mean, why?
18:24Well, technically, she was defending you.
18:26She retweeted it.
18:28She retweeted the bloody tweet.
18:29Yeah, because she was commenting on it.
18:31Don't believe this?
18:33Not my co-presenter.
18:35In the process, obviously, yes, she retweeted it.
18:37She's got about half a million followers.
18:39No, she's got two million.
18:41Okay.
18:41So that's two million people who've now seen it who would never have noticed it if she'd
18:44just left it alone.
18:46Yes.
18:46Two million?
18:48I've got one and a half.
18:49It is not, at this precise moment, a competition.
18:54My wife's calling.
18:55Talk to her.
18:56Yeah, in a bit.
18:57If she's seen it, she'll still be shouting.
18:58Right now, Douglas, I'm not worried about her shouting.
19:01I'm worried about her newspaper.
19:20I've got a rum.
19:22No problem.
19:23Is that my food?
19:25Didn't think you wanted it.
19:28Hmm.
19:32Hmm.
20:02Sorry, I can't get to the phone right now.
20:04Please leave a message after the beep.
20:05Douglas, can you just call me back?
20:07This is my fourth message.
20:08I've stopped shouting.
20:09I just want to know what's going on.
20:12Also, for the love of God, please delete these messages.
20:14I work with people who hack your phone.
20:18Fuck's sake.
20:36Claudia!
20:43Claudia!
20:45Hey, Mum.
20:48Listen, darling, you've left the front door open again.
20:51Yeah, doesn't matter.
20:53I'm just telling you, you've left it open.
20:55Yes, I know.
20:56Don't worry about it.
20:57The subject is closed.
20:58It will be closed, Claudia, when the front door is closed.
21:01Why?
21:02Because you keep leaving it open, and I'm not happy about that.
21:05Why?
21:07Because it's important.
21:08Why?
21:09Because people might come into the house.
21:11Oh, what people?
21:12I don't know.
21:13Exactly.
21:14Jesus, calm down.
21:17Darling, please, this is for your own personal safety.
21:20And my safety?
21:21Yes!
21:21Oh, is it dangerous out there?
21:23Does this mean I won't be allowed outside now?
21:25Of course you're allowed outside.
21:26Well, if it's safe for me to be outside, why isn't it safe to leave the door open?
21:30Claudia, there's a lot of valuable stuff in this house, and surprisingly enough, we don't want it stolen.
21:34Oh, so it's all about your possessions, and who cares if I get raped?
21:37Please, can you stop finding a reason to argue with me every single time we speak?
21:42Stop criticising me.
21:43Oh, Claudia, please, can it not be like this?
21:46Not every single time we talk.
21:48Oh, and now you're going to cry?
21:49You always start crying, Mum.
21:51Stop doing that to me.
21:52I'm not doing anything to you.
21:53Stop shouting!
21:55Hey.
21:56Dad, somebody left the front door open, and Mum just assumes it was me.
22:00Because it was you.
22:01Let it go, Mum.
22:06Drink?
22:07Oh, please, God, yes, give me wine or give me death.
22:11She never stops.
22:13She goes at me all the time.
22:14Like, just looking at me sends her into a rage.
22:17The minute we make eye contact, her shoulders flex.
22:21They just sort of pop up, like an emergency life jacket.
22:26She's 19.
22:27Sometimes she follows me to the loo, stands outside the door, and just keeps going.
22:32I am critiqued sitting on the loo.
22:35Yeah, she's kind of intense at the moment.
22:37I flushed while she was talking.
22:38She called it a microaggression.
22:41Hmm.
22:42You're not reading your emails again.
22:44Someone from Hay wants to talk to you.
22:46Does that make sense?
22:47The Hay Festival.
22:48I told you I'm doing an interview.
22:50What about?
22:51Well, me, hopefully.
22:52I don't really know about anything else.
22:53No, but seriously, what's it about?
22:56It's not about anything.
22:57Well, keep it that way.
22:58No opinions.
22:59People might be listening.
23:00Might be?
23:01Opinions of blood in the water dare to be bland.
23:04What's wrong with my opinions?
23:05You don't have opinions, darling.
23:07You'll just cross at whatever's available.
23:09Okay, bland.
23:10I'll be bland.
23:11Bland is good.
23:12Bland survives.
23:13Anyway, Madeline.
23:15What the hell is Madeline?
23:17What are you looking up to?
23:18What are you looking up to?
23:23What are you looking up to?
24:28Can you believe she's got two million followers?
24:30Yes!
24:31Okay then, the papers. What do you think? Would you all not bother with this?
24:34Don't know. Don't think so.
24:36Well, you're the editor.
24:38I can't play favourites.
24:40I can see it on page five, if it's a slow day.
24:44Cheer up, there might be an atrocity.
24:45Well, there's a war, there's flooding every second Wednesday, there's a climate crisis.
24:49I mean a proper atrocity. Someone off Blue Peter having a wank on a webcam.
24:53Oh, for Christ's sake.
24:53A drive-by dead naming. A royal being slightly offhand to a minority.
24:58There is still actual news in the world, isn't there?
25:00I mean, things are still happening, or did it all just stop and I didn't notice?
25:03Darling, there is all the human misery and suffering a journalist could wish for,
25:08but we live in a world where a newsreader's arse can push a war off the front page.
25:12And you, my dear, like it or not, are in possession of a newsreader's arse.
25:17Handle it with care.
25:18According to Toby, my voice is an instrument of death. Is it my arse now?
25:22They're both good, honey. Just remember which one to talk out of.
25:26Madeline was not defending you.
25:28Of course she was. We're friends.
25:29No, you're colleagues.
25:30We're on the same side. We're a team. Look at what she actually said.
25:34Yeah, look at it.
25:36Don't believe this. Not my co-presenter.
25:38So she's saying she doesn't believe her co-presenter behaved like that because she knows him so well.
25:43Exactly. That's good.
25:44Or she's describing your behaviour as unbelievable and saying she no longer wants you as her co-presenter.
25:53Do you think?
25:55Headline. Not my co-presenter, says Madeleine Crowe.
25:59Photo of you. One of the blurry ones where you look a bit drunk.
26:02We have seven. Next to that, a photo of Madeleine.
26:05Shiny hair, blowjob eyes. We've got exactly 12 million.
26:09Subheader. Douglas Bellows blasted for sexist joke.
26:13You see?
26:15First impact. It's sexy Madeleine who's blasting blurry Douglas.
26:20Of course, when you read the article, we clarify the actual blasting comes from some guy online who no one
26:25cares about.
26:26But our work is done.
26:27Because, my darling, here's the big, big secret.
26:30No one reads the article. They're all too busy tweeting angry opinions about whatever conclusion they've just jumped to.
26:38Outrage is exciting.
26:40Nuance is work.
26:41Douglas is cancelled.
26:43Well, I mean, it takes more than one article.
26:46Of course it doesn't.
26:47What happened to the presumption of innocence?
26:49It's too slow for the news cycle.
26:51OK, but seriously, would you run with this?
26:53I don't think so. I don't think anyone will.
26:55There's not enough to it.
26:56But fair play to Madeleine.
26:57She's given it her best shot.
26:59She didn't do it on purpose.
27:00She was just ambiguous.
27:02That's not ambiguity.
27:04That's plausible deniability.
27:06Madeleine's not like that.
27:07Is she?
27:09Is she like that?
27:10I don't know Madeleine.
27:11I only see her on the telly.
27:13All I know about Madeleine is you talking about her all the bloody time.
27:16Well, of course you know her.
27:17We never speak.
27:19Every time I walk into a room, she walks straight out.
27:22Heads for the door like a missile.
27:23Whoosh.
27:24Slam.
27:24Gone.
27:25I think the two of you are having an affair if it wasn't for the saggy tits.
27:28She hasn't got a saggy tit.
27:30I was thinking of yours.
27:33Apparently you weren't.
27:34I wasn't thinking of Madeleine's tits.
27:36Actually, you were.
27:37Not that way.
27:38What way then?
27:39Ironically?
27:40No, I just...
27:40Have you noticed that every conversation always ends up being about Madeleine?
27:44Why is everything about her?
27:47What does Madeleine think?
27:48What's Madeleine done today?
27:49Why are you cross about Madeleine this time?
27:53No, don't smile at me.
27:55You were fighting.
27:57No, we weren't.
27:58I heard you shouting.
27:59No, you didn't.
27:59We barely raised our voices.
28:00Oh, are you keeping something secret?
28:02We're not fighting, darling.
28:04You were, I can tell.
28:05I can always tell.
28:06And don't lie, I've already got anxiety today.
28:08Oh, crap.
28:09Okay, we were fighting just a little bit, but on the same side, against someone else who
28:15isn't here, so we're taking it out on each other.
28:19It's called marriage.
28:21Was it about Madeleine?
28:24Jesus, Madeleine.
28:25Why would it be Madeleine?
28:26Mum calls her names.
28:27No, I don't.
28:28What names?
28:29Finn.
28:29Finn's not a name.
28:30Finn's a description.
28:31You always say it.
28:32She's always Finn.
28:33Are you fighting about the tweet?
28:36The tweet?
28:37Yeah, I saw it.
28:39Which one?
28:40Which tweet?
28:41About Dad's sexist joke.
28:42The one he told at Uncle Rapey's wedding.
28:45Uncle Donald.
28:46Uncle Rapey, I've told you.
28:47About what?
28:48His inappropriate language around women.
28:50He's not being inappropriate, he's just being funny.
28:53It's not funny to make women feel sexually menaced.
28:56Sexually menaced by Donald?
28:57Yes.
28:57Who's gay?
28:58Yes.
28:58Who three days ago got married to another man who's also gay, so they could be gay together
29:02in a gay marriage and continued to show no sexual interest in women for the rest of their
29:06gay lives.
29:06You felt sexually menaced by a man who's never had a sexual impulse towards a woman in his
29:10entire gay life.
29:12Okay, boomer.
29:13Sorry, just trying to point out how gay works.
29:15Oh, it's so good to be mansplained.
29:17I'm mansplaining a man.
29:18That's got to be legitimate.
29:20Mum, can I talk to Dad?
29:21Oh, go ahead.
29:24In private?
29:25This is private.
29:27No, it isn't.
29:29Claudia, anything you want to say to me, you can say to your mother.
29:36Forget it.
29:37Help yourself if I could do with some time off.
29:39Oh, that's right.
29:40Just walk out on me.
29:40You asked me to go away.
29:43Exactly.
29:44Good luck, darling.
29:48Dad, what was the joke at the wedding?
29:50I don't know.
29:52The misogynist joke.
29:52It wasn't misogynist, it was sexist.
29:54Same thing.
29:55No, it's really not.
29:56What was the joke, Dad?
29:56Sexism can be prejudicial behaviour against either sex, whereas misogyny is only...
30:00Dad, the joke, what was it?
30:03I don't remember.
30:05Is that true?
30:06Or are you just saying that because you're embarrassed and you don't want me to know what
30:09you said?
30:09No, I'm not just saying that.
30:11I really don't remember.
30:13Okay.
30:16What's wrong?
30:18People at uni are asking about it.
30:20Well, how do they even know about it?
30:21Some of them follow Madeleine.
30:23Oh.
30:23Also, I'm part of a student think tank monitoring the impact of media celebrities on minorities,
30:28especially women.
30:29Well, women aren't a minority.
30:30Of course they're a minority.
30:31They're the main one.
30:32Well, there are more women than men.
30:33That's a majority.
30:34Dad, take this seriously.
30:35Sorry, did you say think tank?
30:36Yes, think tank.
30:37Is there an actual tank or do you just meet in a bar?
30:39We meet in a seminar room on a weekly basis, which we book.
30:43Okay.
30:43Not in a bar, Dad.
30:44Okay, sorry.
30:45None of us drink, actually.
30:46Okay, good for you.
30:47Have you considered starting?
30:49Look, you could get cancelled.
30:51Do you understand that?
30:53I don't want that to happen, Dad.
30:54I really don't.
30:55It would destroy me.
30:56And me.
30:57Yeah, and you.
31:01Listen, I don't remember what I said, but whatever it was, it really wasn't that bad.
31:07Promise?
31:08Promise.
31:09You're not lying?
31:10I'm not lying.
31:11I don't lie to you.
31:12When do I lie to you?
31:14You're my daughter.
31:15And an activist.
31:17My daughter first.
31:18Yeah, yeah, of course.
31:19And an activist.
31:20And I'm your father before anything.
31:24Please remember that.
31:25But trust me, Dad, nobody's forgetting about the patriarchy.
31:28Oh, Jesus, Claudia.
31:29Look, I'm just trying to look out for you.
31:30I'm trying to protect you.
31:31Claudia, believe me.
31:33I'm all over this.
31:34I really am.
31:35As it happens, between you and me, father to daughter, your daft old Dad really, really doesn't want to get
31:42himself cancelled.
31:43And, Dad, I really, really don't want to have to cancel you.
31:52That's nice.
31:54That's nice to hear.
32:11Sorry to pull you in so late.
32:12It's a little bit urgent.
32:13No, it's okay.
32:14Take a seat.
32:16Have you been briefed?
32:17Uh, no.
32:18Don't worry.
32:19I will brief you.
32:20So, uh, Douglas, you know Douglas, Douglas Fellows?
32:22Yeah.
32:23Yeah.
32:23You work with him?
32:24Well, yeah.
32:25Yeah.
32:25Douglas needs an emergency joke.
32:28A what?
32:29He needs a very specific emergency joke, and I need you to provide it.
32:35A joke?
32:35Yeah, listen.
32:36At a recent wedding, one, I must stress, in no way affiliated to Live at Six, Douglas Fellows was overheard
32:43telling a joke which may have been accidentally sexist.
32:46Okay, but what?
32:47Listen.
32:47Just listen.
32:48Douglas can't remember the joke, and so far no one has quoted it.
32:52So, this is what we call in the news business an opportunity to get ahead of the facts and decide
32:57what the joke might have been.
32:59Oh, you mean I'll make something up?
33:01No.
33:01No.
33:02Not make something up.
33:03No.
33:03Not exactly.
33:04It's just that sometimes when the facts are a little hazy, we need to provide our audience with clear, directed
33:12information that, as far as possible, reflects the truth without actually being it.
33:18Okay.
33:19So, what I need from you is a joke sexist enough to cause comment on Twitter, but not so sexist
33:25that it will end Douglas' career.
33:27Um, it has to be right on that borderline between offensive to women and charming and sexy.
33:33We really need to dial in on the precise level of misogyny that will shock but mostly titillate Douglas' demographic
33:41of reasonably educated, marginally self-loathing housewives.
33:45And he's going to need some support on air through an eyepiece for tomorrow night's show, in case he's asked
33:50about this.
33:50He might need a few spontaneous one-liners.
33:53And I am confident you are the man for the job.
33:56Why?
33:56What, because I've been assured you're a top company guy? Have you signed the NDA?
34:00No.
34:01No, why not?
34:03Well, because I'm your driver.
34:06They asked me to bring him in.
34:11Well, I've been your driver for eight years.
34:17Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, I know that.
34:20It's just you're usually facing the other way.
34:27How's the missus?
34:29Dead.
34:32Oh, yeah.
34:33Yeah.
34:35Sorry.
34:39I do beg your pardon.
34:40A bit of a mix-up.
34:41Nobody's fault.
34:42I thought you were the driver.
34:44Oh, OK.
34:49I wasn't being racist.
34:53Moira, I think I'm going to need an NDA.
35:04It's all over Twitter.
35:06I used to bloody Madeline.
35:07It's every bloody place.
35:10Do you think Claudia's a bit strange these days?
35:13I don't want to say strange.
35:14No?
35:14I'd say frightening.
35:16No, I'm serious.
35:16So am I.
35:17It's like we've lost her to a cult.
35:18We've lost her to a university.
35:20It's similar, but you still have to do their laundry.
35:22I'm going to tell Madeline to take down the tweet.
35:24Oh, it's too late for that.
35:26Deleting it will only draw more attention.
35:28Well, then she can delete the lot.
35:29She can close down her account.
35:30She seems to spend all day online.
35:32It's time she'd rejoin the human race.
35:33First thing tomorrow, I'm telling her.
35:35Deleting her account will not make a useful difference.
35:38Well, maybe not, but it'll make a point.
35:39It'll draw a line.
35:41No one is turning my daughter against me.
35:47OK.
35:48What do you mean, OK?
35:50I said, OK, means OK.
35:53You paused.
35:54Sorry?
35:55Before OK, there was a pause.
35:56I know what that pause means.
35:58What does it mean?
35:59Nothing.
36:00Doesn't mean anything.
36:04It means you've been angry with Madeline before.
36:07You've been shouting about Madeline all over this house.
36:09You threw a juice carton out of the window once.
36:11It was stuck in the tree for over a year.
36:13Well, I'm angry again.
36:14What?
36:15You go to see Madeline, and you're really going to sort her out this time,
36:18and something happens.
36:20What happens?
36:21I don't know, but you come back home, and you're all calm again.
36:25And you explain that you and Madeline have had a chat, and everything's all fine, nothing
36:29to worry about, all smiles.
36:32Until the next time.
36:33OK, well, the...
36:34How does she do that?
36:37I could spend all night trying to calm you down.
36:39Never works.
36:39How does Madeline do it?
36:41What exactly happens when the two of you have one of your little chats?
36:43We just talk, OK?
36:45For God's sake.
36:46I completely believe you.
36:48You talk.
36:49OK, fair enough.
36:50Talk about what?
36:52How does Madeline always get you back on side?
36:56How does she do it?
36:57Is she magic?
36:59She's not getting me back on side this time.
37:03OK.
37:39I need you to concentrate on jokes about Twitter for Douglas.
37:43All over there.
37:43He needs to sound relaxed, witty, good sport.
37:55Give me an example.
37:56Oh, no, I prefer to be long as you do.
38:05Rosalie, has the joke happened because I don't think I laughed?
38:09It's not your fault. Comedy's hard.
38:11Oh, Douglas, sorry, I need to speak to Madeleine.
38:13Douglas.
38:17A moment.
38:19Madeleine.
38:20Just a moment.
38:21I need to talk to you.
38:22Nearly finished.
38:24Nearly finished.
38:24Nearly.
38:27Nearly, nearly, nearly.
38:29Madeleine.
38:29Nearly, nearly, nearly.
38:31One second.
38:34One second.
38:39All yours.
38:41Madeleine.
38:41Oh, look at your face.
38:43You must be wondering what the hell's going on.
38:45Oh, I'm fairly clear on one thing that's going on and that's the fact that you...
38:48Shut it.
38:49I'm sorry?
38:50The door.
38:51Shut it.
38:54NotEM English.
38:54Jesus.
38:59Nicepoons.
39:03Yes.
39:12Doug?
39:13Let's go.
39:17God...
39:18Yes.
39:18Oops.
39:21Don't mind, there he has no way to go.
39:28Idea for a new sitcom in six parts.
40:01Four parts.
40:22Four parts.
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