- 7 hours ago
First broadcast 6th October 2006.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
Neil Mullarkey
Liza Tarbuck
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Jeremy Clarkson
Neil Mullarkey
Liza Tarbuck
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Well, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI for
00:06another tentative sniff at the enormous bottom of knowledge.
00:11Rubbing up against my leg this evening are Jeremy Clarkson,
00:18Neil Malarkey,
00:22Lisa Travac,
00:25and Alan Davis.
00:31Well, tonight's show is all about dogs, and the buzzers are absolutely barking. Neil goes...
00:42..Lisa goes...
00:44..Jeremy goes...
00:54..and Alan goes...
01:07So, it's very much a doggy evening, and my first question is, why are cats comparatively comparable, whereas dogs are
01:18distinctly different?
01:21Cats mating, it can be quite an exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riot, so you could have
01:28a great day with a chihuahua.
01:31It's a nice image.
01:34It would involve a stepladder.
01:36Yes.
01:37Or a ditch.
01:41Is it DNA, because cats have very similar DNA, whereas some dogs are more like horses, so a Dalmatian is
01:48nearer to a zebra than a Great Dane,
01:50and most dogs are horses, really, or some are crocodiles, and some are giraffes, whereas all cats are cats.
02:00We're sort of along the right lines, in as much as you've mentioned a Great Dane, dogs can have as
02:05wide a spectrum of breed as a St. Bernard, a Newfoundland, a Great Dane,
02:08and a Chihuahua, or a Mexican hairless.
02:11Cats are almost all, more or less, the same.
02:14What, tigers, manx, cats?
02:16No, no, no, no, they're different species, the lions and the tigers.
02:19No matter how much you breed cats, you will not get the variation you do in dogs.
02:24Dogs are unique in all animal species.
02:27Horses and cats are being bred as much as dogs over human history, but there just isn't the variety,
02:32and nobody knows why dogs have this extraordinary variety.
02:36There's a huge amount of horses.
02:38There are a lot of them, yes, but they're all...
02:41The point is, they're not as physically distinct from each other as different breeds of dog are, one from the
02:45other.
02:46There is no animal that has...
02:47Fish.
02:47In one species...
02:48No, there are lots of different species of fish.
02:50This is hugely different, it's a good point.
02:52Exactly, but they're all different species.
02:53They need to capture them.
02:54They need to capture them.
02:55Close as a shark!
02:56Oh, no, it isn't.
02:57It's a shark.
02:58Can't mate with a guppy.
03:00How do we know?
03:00We know.
03:02You can introduce its...
03:03A stepladder or a dick.
03:04A dick.
03:07It might be able to shag one, but the point is the egg won't be fertilised.
03:10Hang your shark in the aquarium so just its genitals are in there.
03:15And then try and lure your guppy over.
03:22Can I...
03:24I was told the other day that they swivel and end up bottom to bottom.
03:28Is that true?
03:29I'm going to come to this question.
03:30Now, I've actually provided you each with a pair of dogs for you to demonstrate to me how you think
03:35dogs mate.
03:36Well...
03:36I'm going to start with Neil.
03:37Neil, can you bring out your dog?
03:39To bring out your dog.
03:42So, Neil.
03:44Nice party, isn't it?
03:47How about dinner later?
03:48Alright.
03:51There we are.
03:54My dog has actually got a boyfriend who is a Bassett.
03:57And that's what he does.
04:01And what was your theory there?
04:02You get the colour, and the tail, and then...
04:06No.
04:08That's what I do.
04:11That's great.
04:13My question is...
04:14Yes.
04:14This, okay.
04:16Sure.
04:16That.
04:17Do they then turn and wind up like this, some dogs?
04:21Depends what's on telling.
04:22What do you think?
04:25Well, Alan!
04:35Oops!
04:40Oh, my...
04:41Aw!
04:48What I'm going to do there is, I'm going to give points to Jeremy, because the fact is, it is
04:53arse to arse, as it were.
04:55The male lifts a leg and swings it over the female's back, while turning round.
05:00Mm.
05:01So it's a little like a dance there, and it's turned round, so they are now back to back.
05:04They stand with the hind ends touching, and the penis locked inside the vagina, while ejaculation occurs, which is nice.
05:14Virgin dogs can become quite distressed, because they find themselves often unable to separate during their first copulation.
05:20They get stuck, because they can't disengorge.
05:22They have to think about John Prescott, or something very, very...
05:25And then they'll go down.
05:29We've got a labradoodle now.
05:31Have you?
05:31Yeah.
05:32Graham Norton's got one as well.
05:33Yeah.
05:34You have the same dog as Graham Norton.
05:37Wow.
05:38Does he...
05:40I'm...
05:40I'm...
05:41I'm rethinking...
05:41We'll get you know, Stephen.
05:43No, I'm rethinking you in all kinds of ways, and...
05:47There's...
05:47There is a...
05:48There is a blend of a poodle with a Yorkshire Terrier.
05:51Who's...
05:51What are you...
05:57Very nice.
05:59He says, cats are stupid.
06:01Cats are stupid.
06:02And they give you asthma.
06:04They...
06:04Yes, they do.
06:05They do give you asthma, which is why I practice my drop kicks on them.
06:09You love getting glasses, don't you?
06:11No, there is...
06:12There is a...
06:12There is a...
06:13A blend of Yorkshire Terrier and poodle.
06:15And if anyone sees the owner of such a thing, you have to kill them, because they've called it a
06:20Yorkie poo.
06:23What's your stance on dogs having clothes on?
06:26Oh, f*** off.
06:26I've got to do it.
06:28No.
06:29I mean, awful.
06:33Talking of John Prescott, have you seen this dog?
06:36Oh, my God.
06:37It really is.
06:38It's just...
06:39Unbelievable.
06:41All right.
06:42All right.
06:42Come here, love.
06:49So, we have to write about doggy style.
06:52Doggy style, they do, of course, mount each other in that fashion that we call doggy style, but very rare
06:56that it is ejaculation.
06:56Take.
06:57Place.
06:58So, let's put our dogs away now, if we may please.
07:01Thank you, children.
07:04Goodbye, Bruno.
07:05Say bye-bye.
07:07So, what's the most interesting thing a dog can smell?
07:11Yes, Neil.
07:12Yes, Neil.
07:12A dog's dinner?
07:13Yes.
07:14To a dog?
07:15That is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.
07:16Oh, the other dog's bottom.
07:18Yes.
07:20Oh, there you are.
07:22Oh, no.
07:23My crotch.
07:27Well, they all do.
07:29They do.
07:34Oh, dear, dear.
07:36Can you blame them?
07:37They're only flesh and blood.
07:39This is really interesting because it's terribly touching, really, that they can smell this.
07:45Cancer.
07:45It's cancer.
07:46Oh, no.
07:47Really?
07:48Yeah.
07:48There was a woman who her dog kept pawing at her leg, and she had nothing on her leg that
07:53was peculiar, a normal number of moles, but it was only interested in one of the moles.
07:57And when she wore shorts, it tried to nip it.
08:00And so, she went to the doctor, and the doctor found that this was a malignant melanoma when
08:06it had taken out.
08:07And doctors have found that dogs can smell bladder cancer, lung cancer, 99% efficiency rate.
08:15It's smelling it in people's breath.
08:17Lung cancer.
08:18Quite extraordinary.
08:19So, have I got cancer of the bollocks, then?
08:21Well, that's what I was wondering.
08:23Let's not discuss.
08:24No, let's not.
08:25That's insane.
08:26We have something like 50 million of these olfactory cells up here, and they have 220-odd
08:34million, but their sense of smell is infinitely better than that.
08:37It's not just 220-odd times better.
08:39It's thousands of times better.
08:41We have machines that can smell a part in a billion, which are fantastically sensitive
08:45and complex.
08:46Dogs can smell one part in a quadrillion.
08:48I'm worried about this dog.
08:50Has it been nailed?
08:52What?
08:53It can smell my crotch.
08:55Yeah.
08:56From where everybody is.
08:57We all can.
09:01I'm sorry.
09:03It is.
09:05Yeah.
09:06How can you tell the difference between a Scouse dog, for example, and a Scottish dog?
09:14How could you tell a Scot from a Livipuddleum when you met them?
09:17Accent.
09:18Accent is the right answer.
09:19Oh, you don't.
09:20Oh, no.
09:22Apparently, there's been a lot of research by the Canine Behaviour Centre in Cumbria.
09:26And you're going to possibly snort with derision when I tell you this, but owners and dogs left
09:32messages on the centre's answering machine.
09:35Experts then compared the pitch, tone, volume, and length of the sounds made by human and dog.
09:39And they found that the Scouse and Scots dogs have the most distinctive accents.
09:43The Scouse dogs have higher pitched voices than their equivalents.
09:50I saw the other day that somebody's worked out that dolphins give one another names.
09:55They just don't.
09:58I mean, he's calling him Peter.
10:00He f***ing isn't.
10:05So you really don't believe it?
10:06No.
10:06I believe it, yeah.
10:08You go, woof-woof, all right.
10:10Or woof-woof, okay, the new.
10:12So they're pretty stereotyped.
10:17Well, of course, it makes sense.
10:19I mean, a dog does imitate the behaviour of the pack it's in, in other words, the family
10:22or the owner.
10:23So, for example, terriers that live with families with children become very manic.
10:27And the same breed of terrier, indeed from the same family, if it's with an old lady,
10:31will start shuffling along looking for lawn way before it's time.
10:36Do they smell of wee?
10:38Do they say how old they are?
10:40I'm seven, you know.
10:43Possibly they do.
10:45I'm eight next year.
10:48So, still dog-related, what kind of dog lays eggs?
10:53Nice.
10:54Dogfish.
10:54Yeah.
10:55Is the right answer.
10:56That's important.
10:57Exactly.
10:57And what sort of fish is a dogfish?
10:59It's a shark.
10:59It's a shark is right, Lisa.
11:01You get some points for that.
11:02It is a type of shark, yeah.
11:04And the sea dog, this here, this marvellous whale shark.
11:07That's the biggest fish in the world.
11:09It is.
11:09You get a point for knowing that.
11:10It is actually round about a hundred times the size of the average dogfish.
11:14That's the napoleon wrasse underneath it.
11:16Well spotted.
11:17Have you ever come across one of these?
11:18You can feed them a hard boiled egg, the napoleon wrasse, and they'll eat it and all the shell comes
11:22out the gills.
11:24People often think that sharks have to swim all the time in order not to sink to the bottom.
11:28I love people who say that.
11:30I'm like a shark, mate.
11:30I have to keep moving.
11:31Yeah, exactly.
11:32People do say that.
11:33Yeah, they do.
11:34I like to keep moving.
11:35I'll get bored.
11:35I'll get out of my mind.
11:36I have to keep moving.
11:37I'm like a shark.
11:41There are circumstances in which they don't have to.
11:43They can just get currents coming in, but they have to have water moving through their gills.
11:47They don't keep moving then.
11:51The largest egg ever laid was laid by the whale shark, and they're called the mermaid's purse.
11:58Sharks used to be called sea dogs, and small sharks still are called dogfish, as we've discussed.
12:04But what's the German for sausage dog?
12:07Dachshund.
12:08Dachshund, oh dear, no.
12:12No, oddly enough, it is a German word.
12:13It means...
12:14Do you know what dach?
12:15Low, long.
12:16Dachshund.
12:17It means the badger.
12:17Badgerhund.
12:18That's a badgerhund.
12:19But they don't call them a dachshund, the Germans.
12:21They call them a dachshund.
12:22They never say dachshund.
12:23Oddly enough, but we say it.
12:25They're dachshund in gothic writing.
12:27Dachshund.
12:28So what's German for dog, then?
12:30Hunt, as in our word hund.
12:32It's rather odd, because in English, Old English, the only word we had for dog was hunt, or hound.
12:38And then suddenly, in late Middle English, this word dog arrived.
12:41And no one knows where it comes from.
12:42It's one of the great etymological mysteries of English, is nobody knows where the word dog originates.
12:48Dogger, as in doggerbank, is said to come from a Dutch word, dogger, which means a type of ship.
12:53So you saw it doesn't mean fall like an animal that barks, because that would answer it.
12:57That would be a hint as to where we got the word, wouldn't it?
12:59There'd be some red faces all round in Oxford.
13:03Oh, God, I didn't think of that.
13:06What comes before a German bite?
13:11No.
13:12Yes.
13:13A German bark.
13:14Yeah.
13:16You were thinking of JS, possibly, right?
13:19They never bark when they're going to attack you.
13:21It's when they go quiet that's when you have to worry.
13:23Germans.
13:27I don't know about Germans, but definitely dogs.
13:30Definitely, yeah.
13:31Any other thoughts?
13:32Lundy.
13:33You're on the right lines, but it isn't Fischer, isn't it?
13:36Fischer is the right answer.
13:38And the first one, oddly enough, is the one we were discussing.
13:41Dogger.
13:42Dogger, Fischer, German, bite.
13:44It's like a great British poem.
13:46Do you know what we're talking about here, Alan?
13:48It's the chicken forecast.
13:50Yeah, exactly.
13:51I call them the chicken forecast, because that's what it always sounded like when I was a kid.
13:55And now, the chicken forecast.
14:02So you get things like,
14:03Sol, Lundy, Fastenet, Southeasterly, 4 or 5,
14:06Backing Northwesterly, 5 to 7,
14:09Veering Easterly, later in Lundy,
14:11Rain or showers, moderate or good.
14:14What's the difference between backing and veering?
14:16It's weather.
14:18The chicken are backing or the chicken are veering.
14:21Varing means the wind is changing in a clockwise direction.
14:24Backing means it's changing in an anti-clockwise direction.
14:27And they always start where?
14:28Which one is the first one?
14:30Rockle.
14:30When they re-go through the areas.
14:31No, they don't start with Rockle.
14:32Forties.
14:33Faro.
14:34No, Faroes, Bailey, Hebronese.
14:37Viking.
14:37Fast one.
14:37Viking is the first one.
14:39Oh, damn good.
14:40This day is Viking, North of Sierra, South of Sierra.
14:44Forties, Cromarty.
14:44A fourth time, Dogger, Fisher, German Bight and so on.
14:48So there you are.
14:48Sea area, German Bight invariably follows Dogger and, as Jeremy so rightly pointed out, Fisher in the shipping forecast.
14:55But there we are.
14:55We've all heard of the Isle of Dogs, but what famous islands are named after birds?
15:00Any thoughts?
15:02There are quite a few.
15:04Puffin Island.
15:05Is correct.
15:06Any others?
15:08Penguin Island, Sparrow Island.
15:10Blackwood Island, Eagle Island, Heron Island.
15:12Thrush Island.
15:13The Canary Island.
15:14Oh, but no!
15:18No, the Canary Islands aren't, there is an example.
15:23That's not the Canary Islands.
15:25That is actually Bird Island we're looking at.
15:27You're absolutely right.
15:27That's in the Seychelles.
15:28In the Seychelles, you're quite right.
15:30Yeah, no, the Canary Islands are named after dogs.
15:32Insula Canaris means the Isle of Dogs and the birds are named after the island.
15:36Do you know about canary wrestling?
15:39No.
15:40It's just a form of wrestling in the Canary Islands.
15:42How does it work?
15:43Well, you stand in a sand circle called a terrero and basically, like sumo a bit, your feet have to
15:50be in the sand.
15:51If any other part of your body touches the sand, you're beaten.
15:54This is you, is it canaries wrestling?
15:56No, no, people from the Canary Islands.
15:57Oh, I thought it was Canaries.
16:00I just didn't see why they did.
16:02Why would they wrestle?
16:03Well, you have cockfighting.
16:04Well, they're angry animals.
16:07Do you know about La Gomera?
16:10Obviously not having been to the Canary Islands, there is an island called La Gomera.
16:13Do you know how they communicate across valleys?
16:15Shouting.
16:16They don't shout, no.
16:17Mobile phone.
16:18They don't, you're not.
16:19It's a language they use, but instead of using their vocal cords, they fart.
16:26No, they whistle.
16:28See if you can tell what they're whistling.
16:29It's in Spanish.
16:35That is John milked the goats.
16:40I'm not making this up.
16:41The next one.
16:45That was Domingo was sick.
16:49Honestly.
16:50Let's say that at one again, because you can hear the Domingo, now you know.
16:53Listen.
16:58You're evil.
16:59You're evil.
17:00You're evil.
17:00I'm not noticing.
17:03Sorry.
17:03Although it's in Spanish, he does have a Liverpool accent.
17:08Nice.
17:13Why didn't you just talk to each other?
17:16Because it's bouncing off the canyons of the gorges of the valleys of La Gomera.
17:22This is still on the Canary Islands now, is it?
17:24Yeah.
17:25Is this the one that's going to fall in the sea and wipe out the whole of the eastern seaboard
17:28of America?
17:29I'm glad you asked for that, Mr. Clarkson, because that is La Palma in the Canaries.
17:34The volcano in La Palma is said that if it goes off in a big way, it will cause a
17:39tsunami
17:39that will engulf the whole of the eastern seaboard of the United States of America.
17:43I think there's a piece of rock that's overhanging that's going to fall in the sea.
17:46Yeah, it will cause the collapse of the western half of the island, which will then trigger this massive tsunami.
17:52Anyway, there you are.
17:53There is a style of fighting on the Canaries, as I said, called Canarian wrestling.
17:56But explain, what is dog kung fu? How does that work?
18:00You can use your dogs if you...
18:03Anybody know?
18:04Yes.
18:05I happen to know that this is mainly female kung fu, and the initial stance is hands down there, legs
18:15firmly on the floor, like...
18:16A dog.
18:17A dog.
18:17You're absolutely right.
18:18Very correct.
18:20Wow.
18:21Brilliant.
18:22Yep.
18:25It was invented by a Chinese nun called Wu Mei, who was wandering around her country, and she couldn't afford
18:31a retinue,
18:31and she had bound feet, and she found it very difficult to fight, you know, on her feet.
18:36So she developed this form of fighting on all fours, which involves scissor kicks and big kicks to the groin
18:42and so on.
18:42Do you know what any of the martial arts mean, what karate means, for example?
18:45Empty hand.
18:46Empty hand is correct, absolutely.
18:48Judo.
18:49Be like a Jewish wedding or a party.
18:55Oh, dear, dear, dear.
18:59It supposedly means the gentle way.
19:02I think we'd better say something about dog fighting, apart from dog kung fu.
19:06Who won the Battle of Britain for us?
19:08What machine?
19:09Spitfire.
19:10Spitfire, the hurricane.
19:12Oh, Spitfire.
19:13Who said it first?
19:14I don't know.
19:15Cheated, cheated, cheated.
19:16I'll accept that.
19:17But then you said hurricane, which, unfortunately, is the right answer.
19:20A lot more hurricanes.
19:21Oh, it's a moot point, so let's get you on this subject.
19:24Well, the hurricanes knocked out 1,593 aircraft out of 2,739.
19:31Knocked out of the skies.
19:32Yes, and the first two planes shot down by Spitfires in the Second World War were hurricanes.
19:37You're absolutely right.
19:39I still maintain that the Spitfire is a better.
19:42Oh, I agree.
19:43They're more glamorous.
19:43They weren't as pretty.
19:44They weren't.
19:45I mean, there's lovely, yes.
19:46That's just not as pretty.
19:47I mean, I know there were more of them.
19:49The point is they shot down the bombers, really, and the Spitfires were very good at picking out the fighters.
19:56Have you ever talked to a Battle of Britain pilot?
19:58Because that's what they asked them to do.
19:59They said to the hurricane guys, you go after the bombers and leave the Spitfires to go after the fighters.
20:04Apparently, if you dived into a German formation, you just looked like, ahhh!
20:07You opened your eyes, and it was all clearly gone, and you didn't know what you'd hit, and there was
20:11nobody.
20:12The notion that you would go, right, I'm going for that Heinkel or whatever.
20:14Do you know how dog fights began?
20:16And when they began?
20:17After the plane was invented, I should imagine.
20:19Yes!
20:20But it would have been...
20:21The First World War.
20:22The First World War, exactly.
20:23They didn't have any guns, so they'd knob things out.
20:26Well, to begin with, you're actually right.
20:28They'd throw bricks at each other.
20:30But it started, they'd wave at each other, because they didn't regard the aeroplanes being any sense of military thing.
20:36It was just for observation and reconnaissance.
20:37And so, they'd go, hello.
20:39And then, the war started to get a bit nasty, and they'd start doing V signs.
20:42And then they started throwing bricks, and then Mills bombs, and the observer, the spotter, would use pistol.
20:49And then they did, indeed, fit guns onto them.
20:51And amazingly, I've still found...
20:53Because I used to love Biggles, and it always used to astonish me that the guns were synchronised to fire
20:58through the propeller.
20:59Which is just astonishing.
21:01It was my favourite VC winner, was a First World War fighter pilot.
21:05And he was called Ferdinand West, I think.
21:08And they were attacked by seven German planes.
21:10And in the first little wave, he had his legs shot off, completely off.
21:14So he, it was jamming the controls.
21:16He took it out and threw it out of the plane.
21:18Maneuvered his plane so they could get off some good bursts into the Germans.
21:22Drove them away, dropped his bombs, landed back at base, apologised for the poor quality of his landing,
21:28and then sought medical attention.
21:32My great uncle had his tongue shot off in the water.
21:34Never talked about it.
21:36But, um, Joe Bodega, sorry, thank you.
21:39Um, why did, um, fighter pilots, nearly always in the First World War, have terrible diarrhoea?
21:46I mean, awful galloping runs.
21:48Well, it was quite frightening.
21:50Well, yeah.
21:51Fear does turn the bowels to water.
21:54But there's something else that made it even worse.
21:56Something in the sun smell? Fumes?
21:57Yeah.
21:58The bearings in the propellers were lubricated with castor oil.
22:02And castor oil is used for constipation and certainly was right up until the 50s.
22:05They all get their runs.
22:06So they all got the most galloping runs.
22:07Allied, too, as you say, the fear.
22:09You're allowed to poo yourself.
22:11There's fear at this next round of questions.
22:13Because it's time now to snuffle around for the leftover scraps in the doghouse of general ignorance.
22:19So fingers on buzzers, if you please.
22:21Where do gorillas sleep?
22:23Yes, very quick.
22:24Nests.
22:24It's the right answer.
22:25They do.
22:31He's always eating his rocket salad.
22:33Yeah.
22:34He's got his little fingers out there.
22:36Isn't it very delicate, isn't it?
22:37They're amazing animals.
22:39Cantorilla.
22:41But what I found interesting is the wives and children sleep in trees more than the silverbacks.
22:48Yeah, yeah.
22:49Fascinating stuff.
22:50Also very odd is that they make a nest every day, even if they haven't moved on.
22:54So if they're in the same place, they'll go next to their perfect nest they made the night before and
22:58make a new one.
22:59And alone, not with the family.
23:00Yeah.
23:01Of course, the proper name for a gorilla, if you're a scientist, is Gorilla Gorilla.
23:05This is known as a tautonym, like a tautology.
23:08A name which uses the same word twice.
23:10Two others are bison bison and iguana iguana, for example.
23:13So, see if you can guess these.
23:15What is ratus ratus?
23:18A rat?
23:19It is a rat, yes.
23:20It's a black rat.
23:21I was expecting all that.
23:22Yes, of course you were.
23:23Aureolus, aureolus.
23:25The outside of a nipple.
23:28That would be spelled A-U-R-E.
23:31Aureolus, aureolus is an, do you know the bird?
23:34Yeah?
23:34It's a bird.
23:37Oy, it's a golden aureole.
23:39Aureole.
23:39The aureole, yes.
23:41And the next one would be Cygnus, Cygnus.
23:44Yay.
23:45Swan?
23:45Yes, it's the Hooper Swan.
23:47Absolutely.
23:47These are very, very easy.
23:48See, you're doing well.
23:49Points.
23:49And the next one is Puffinus, Puffinus.
23:52Yes.
23:52Puffins.
23:53Puffins?
23:54Oh, no!
23:55That's not Puffins!
23:56Oh!
23:56Oh, you were doing so well and finally we baited our trap.
24:01Puffinus, Puffinus is actually the Manx Shearwater.
24:05There is a Manx Shearwater, the oldest wild bird, apparently still alive.
24:09There was a Manx Shearwater breeding on Copeland Island, Northern Ireland, that was tagged as an adult, i.e. at
24:16least five years old, in July 1953, and re-trapped again in July 2003.
24:24Oh!
24:24So it lived to at least 55 years old.
24:27The Shearwater's migrate 10,000 kilometres a year, so this one had covered a minimum of a million kilometres in
24:33its life.
24:34Or, they've discovered a very cunning way of swapping rings.
24:40But, scientists believe that it is the same one.
24:42It's pretty amazing, isn't it?
24:43So that's Puffinus, Puffinus?
24:45For some reason that is called Puffinus, whereas a Puffin is called Fratercula Arctica, which means little brother, because they
24:51look like little friars, little black and white.
24:53But they really are nice to eat.
24:55They say they're delicious.
24:56They really are properly nice to eat.
24:58And do you know there's a certain section of society that is very pleased that they're delicious to eat, especially
25:03earlier in the year from sort of favourite to the end of March.
25:06Do you know why that would be?
25:07Catholics.
25:08Because they used to believe that a Puffin was half fish, half bird, and therefore you can eat it on
25:13a Friday or in Lent if you're a Catholic.
25:15They are extraordinary animals because they can walk, they can swim underwater, and they can fly.
25:19And they can do it while carrying at least twelve fish in their mouths.
25:23And be on your supper plate about eight.
25:26You know that joke, don't you?
25:27What's the similarity between the pelican and British gas?
25:30They can both stick their bills up their arses.
25:34There we are.
25:35So yes, Puffinus Puffinus is the Manx Gia water.
25:37The Puffinus Fraticula Arctica, as I mentioned, the little brother of the north.
25:41Which brings us to the scores.
25:44And who is our Cruft Supreme Champion of Champions tonight?
25:48It's newcomer, Neil Malarkey, with minus five points.
25:54Bravo!
25:58Only just behind, if not best in show, at least best in breed, is Lisa, with minus eight.
26:05Thank you so much.
26:10In third place, with minus thirteen, is Jeremy Clarkson.
26:21But our whimpering underdog, forlornly licking the root of his scrotum tonight, is Alan Davis, with minus thirty-six.
26:42Well, my thanks go to Lisa, Jeremy, Neil, and Alan.
26:45And I leave you with this dog-eared newspaper cutting from the Europa Times.
26:50Lucky is basically a damn good guide dog.
26:53Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal, told reporters,
26:57He just needs a little brush up on some elementary skills.
27:01Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German Shepherd guide dog for the blind,
27:06had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners.
27:12I admit it's not an impressive record on paper, said Gerber.
27:16He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier.
27:20He actually pushed the third owner off a railway platform, just as the Cologne to Frankfurt Express was approaching.
27:29And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic before abandoning him and running away to safety.
27:36But apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament, and guide dogs are hard to train these days.
27:44Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about the previous record, Gerber replied,
27:49No, it would make them nervous.
27:52And that would make Lucky nervous.
27:54And when Lucky gets nervous, he's liable to do something silly.
27:59Good night.
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