- 16 minutes ago
First broadcast 3rd December 2009.
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sean Lock
John Hodgman
Sandi Toksvig
Stephen Fry
Alan Davies
Bill Bailey
Sean Lock
John Hodgman
Sandi Toksvig
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and
00:04welcome to QI, the 640-pound gorilla of panel shows.
00:09Joining me in the quite interesting enclosure in the zoo tonight are a magnificent silverback, Bill Bailey.
00:19A majestic alpha male, Sean Locke.
00:26An exotic bird of paradise, Sandy Toksvig.
00:33And a faithful old curly-haired retriever, Alan Davies.
00:40But, but for tonight only an extra treat, all the way from America, it's Mr. John Hodgman!
00:54Now, each of their buzzers is more beastly than the next. Bill goes...
01:01Sean goes...
01:05Sandy goes...
01:10Alan goes...
01:15And because he doesn't actually have a built-in mushroomoid, John goes...
01:23Now, tonight we are on the hunt for G animals. Any animals that start with a G are fair game.
01:30Well, use is a goose.
01:35Sandy Toksvig.
01:36Is it toilet paper?
01:38No, seriously.
01:42Sandy, that is bizarre. Why did you say that?
01:44Well, because I once read this book by Rabelais, I think it's called Gargantua.
01:48And he recommended that the best thing for toilet paper was a live goose.
01:54And I have yet to check into a five-star hotel without a sense of disappointment.
02:01I have the quotation from Rabelais' Gargantua.
02:05I'll give it to you in full, because it's pretty extraordinary.
02:07I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum.
02:13The most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that was ever seen.
02:16I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calfskin, with a hare, with
02:22a pigeon,
02:22with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a Montero, whatever that is...
02:27That was the inside of his toilet.
02:30With a falconer's lure.
02:32And that's why he was thrown out of the pet shop.
02:36You're a bard.
02:38Get up! Ooh, there's another one, come on!
02:42But...
02:42But to conclude, I say and maintain that of all the tosh-cool arse-wisps, bum-fodders, tail-napkins,
02:52bung-hole cleansers, and white breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose that
02:59is well-downed,
03:00if you hold her head betwixt your legs.
03:03And believe me, therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your knock-hole a most wonderful pleasure.
03:09Yes.
03:10Both in regard of the softness of the said down, and of the temperate heat of the goose,
03:15which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards,
03:20insofar as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains.
03:24So, I love that, why do we need swear words when you've got knock-hole?
03:27Yeah.
03:29Can I say one thing?
03:30Yep.
03:31Is it alive?
03:32I fear it probably is.
03:33Yes, I believe that adds the frisson to it.
03:35It has to be alive, doesn't it?
03:36Yeah.
03:36Because then you can turn it and laugh in its face.
03:44We are the master race.
03:46Imagine now, because there's Charmin, there's double-layered toilet paper now, isn't there?
03:50There is.
03:51The Americans would probably use two geeses next, wouldn't they?
03:53Use the softness.
03:56People have been saying for years, why are geese so angry?
03:58What's wrong with geese?
03:59Why are they so furious?
04:01No.
04:01We don't.
04:02If there were one animal that I was never going to put anywhere near my bum, it would be a
04:07goose.
04:08There's certainly other choices of animals you don't want near your knock-hole.
04:12Scorpions.
04:12No, that can be fun.
04:14Get a scorpion to do it.
04:15Yeah.
04:16And you can get all those tricky little nibbly bits.
04:18Oh!
04:20No.
04:21Scorpions.
04:22He's got his claws, he's got his claws.
04:24It's not absorbent.
04:25It's not absorbent.
04:26What about hedgehog?
04:27Is that absorbent?
04:28Oh!
04:29That'll get all the bits and it's absorbent.
04:32Yes.
04:33You can get the bits with the top half and then whip it round and get the softness.
04:36Brilliant.
04:37Brilliant.
04:38You may be onto something.
04:40Yeah.
04:41Sounds absurd, but we have just heard that a man did wipe his arse with a goose.
04:45So I think you're right, one to wipe, one to polish.
04:47Yeah.
04:48Perfect.
04:49There are other things geese can do.
04:51Goose fat.
04:52Goose fat?
04:53What do you use goose fat for?
04:54Frying potatoes.
04:55No weapons.
04:56Frying potatoes.
04:57Absolutely the best roast potatoes possible are.
04:59It's the best fat.
05:00It is.
05:01It burns at a higher temperature.
05:03Exactly.
05:04So that you can roast things more adequately.
05:07But there's another use for goose fat that used to be common.
05:12David Walliams, if I was to say.
05:14Oh, for the swimming.
05:14Oh, for the swimming.
05:15They're swimming the channel, yes.
05:16They don't do any more because when they rescue people they slip out of their ground.
05:22Watchdogs.
05:23Aren't they good watchdogs?
05:23Ah, yes.
05:25Better than a dog apparently.
05:28Anything else?
05:30A guide goose for the blind.
05:33A seeing-eye goose.
05:36In the world of weaponry they were very popular for?
05:39Aime.
05:40A brilliant Aime.
05:43A steady man.
05:45Who made a famous appearance at Nottingham Goose Fair according to myth and legends.
05:49Puff Daddy.
05:49One boy.
05:54It's like herding cats isn't it?
05:56I once opened the goose fair.
05:59Good girl.
06:00Robin Hood.
06:01Your teacher's favourite tonight.
06:02And he was a goose.
06:03No.
06:04But what was Robin Hood famous for?
06:06Killing geeks.
06:07Killing geeks.
06:09Lovely mime again.
06:11Stretching the goose.
06:11And where would a goose come in use?
06:13Wiping his bum with a goose.
06:15The feathers on the arrows.
06:17The fletching exactly.
06:18The feathers the fletching.
06:21Goose feathers for arrows.
06:22So that's a good one.
06:23Why do they have orange feet?
06:25Because that's why they eat oranges.
06:26It's like flamingos with prawns.
06:27It's a geese eat oranges.
06:30Air safety.
06:31Yeah.
06:32Air safety.
06:32Air safety.
06:33Air safety.
06:33So they can wave each other in.
06:36That's it.
06:38What about gooseberries?
06:40Why are they called gooseberries?
06:42That was the mood the guy who named them was in that day.
06:45Yeah.
06:45Right.
06:46It's not.
06:46I call them gooseberries.
06:47Yeah.
06:48It could have been raspberries.
06:50Or strawberries.
06:51That would have been taken.
06:52They were taken.
06:53Is it before the stalks took over the whole baby delivery thing?
06:57Ah, now why the gooseberry bush?
06:58Well, I don't know.
06:59I started and I had no idea where I was going.
07:02Well, 19th century slang gooseberry bush meant...
07:06Was it a girl's front area?
07:09Exactly.
07:10A girl's bush was known as the gooseberry bush.
07:12Therefore babies came out of the gooseberry bush, basically.
07:14Because they do.
07:15Is this three Brazilian times?
07:20It surely was.
07:22It's more of a landing strip now for the geese.
07:29Oh, dear.
07:30You know, I made myself feel unwell.
07:34So that's good.
07:35Apparently gooseberry just tastes very good with goose.
07:38It was often served as a condiment.
07:40There's the bar-headed goose.
07:42Oh, right.
07:43They can fly unbelievable distances.
07:45Up to ten miles.
07:47They can fly backwards.
07:49Thousands of miles they fly.
07:51With their eyes tightly shut.
07:53They have a technique for increasing their range by 70%.
07:57What is it?
07:58Landing on a boat.
07:58That's what I'm asking you.
08:01Landing on a boat.
08:02I'm not quite sure.
08:05No, it's not.
08:08Imagining that even before man had any method of technological transport.
08:12Gliding on hot air.
08:13They're grabbing on to other-
08:15Lying.
08:15That's used to lie about where they've been.
08:19That's a lot of miles I've heard.
08:21They just fly over the mountain just waiting.
08:23No.
08:24Do you see geese in the air?
08:25There's a shape, isn't there?
08:27What is it?
08:27They fly in a V formation.
08:29It reduces wind shear.
08:30Oh, extra points to our popular American visitor.
08:33Exactly right.
08:34Yes, it's the vortices.
08:35It calms the air and all the ones behind them.
08:38There's less to fight against.
08:38But do they take turns?
08:39I think they do.
08:40Because the front goose has got to take a lot of-
08:42Yeah.
08:43No one's dead.
08:44He's got no one protecting him.
08:45Exactly.
08:46Or she.
08:47Or she, exactly.
08:48It could be a gander or a goose.
08:50Well, what's good for the other is one.
08:53It's all equal.
08:54I believe you're right.
08:55Yes, yes.
08:56How do you suppose they take those photographs?
08:58Do you think it's the sort of passing parachutist?
08:59There's always a bit of luck.
09:00There's some geese going.
09:01That's right.
09:03This is a goose going up.
09:08He's got his phone out.
09:11That's a good one.
09:12That's a good one.
09:12Oh, sorry.
09:14Did I mention chimney sweeps?
09:16Oh, yeah.
09:16They fly out and push.
09:17Exactly.
09:18So they're used as chimney sweeps.
09:20How?
09:21Well, actually, no.
09:21Don't you drop them from the top?
09:22Isn't that what you do?
09:23Yeah.
09:24They use chickens for that as well.
09:25Yeah.
09:25And as they flap their wings.
09:27As they flap down, they clear the chimney.
09:28And badgers as well.
09:34Are horses they use for that?
09:36Cleans and whistles.
09:36No, they don't use horses.
09:38It's a squeeze, but they get them down there.
09:41But the uses of gooses or the ease of geese.
09:45The next question, the habits of rabbits.
09:47I wish they were.
09:50I wish they were.
09:51How far can you shove it down?
09:56Cats and cats.
09:57That's my offer.
09:59Stop it.
10:00Anyway, the uses of gooses range from burglar alarms and chimney sweeps, not to mention making
10:04excellent roast potatoes, as John Boyd did out.
10:06Which brings us to giraffes.
10:08Ah.
10:09Now, tell me why giraffes have such short necks.
10:12Short necks?
10:13Hmm.
10:14Err.
10:15Err.
10:15What?
10:16Is this?
10:17They have long necks.
10:19As my old uncle used to say, the other man's ass is always clean.
10:22Look at this.
10:22Because I used to dream.
10:24Look at him.
10:24Look at where he's going.
10:25Look at that.
10:26Look at that.
10:29Oh!
10:32Oh!
10:33Oh!
10:33He's going in again!
10:35He's going in again!
10:36He's going in again!
10:37Oh!
10:38No!
10:40Get off his lothole!
10:42I like the other giraffes going, what are you looking at?
10:48You're supposed to use a goose for that!
10:52They're on lookout.
10:54There's no one looking.
10:54Go for it, Gary!
10:55Go for it!
10:57You know they've got a really, really, really long tongue for giraffes?
11:01They really have.
11:03It's about two feet long.
11:05A giraffe's tongue is long enough to clean out their own ears.
11:08Did you know that?
11:09And that is why you never see them in boots buying cotton buds.
11:12I wonder what the reason is.
11:14That's not where a giraffe's ears are.
11:17No, he's just...
11:19It's another giraffe's bottom.
11:21It's an anagram.
11:22Ears is an anagram.
11:23Yeah.
11:24Ah!
11:25Oh, right.
11:26So, as we watch the loop of shame, perhaps, you could favour me with an answer as to why
11:34they have such short necks.
11:35Are you telling me that that long thing leading up to their head is not their neck?
11:38No, that's their neck.
11:40The thing about that clip is the fact that there must be something a lot weirder going
11:43on that they're looking at.
11:47It's probably like a wildebeest just pleasuring himself on a rock.
11:53And there, he'll go, he's licking that one Sergeant, who am I like that?
11:59We can see.
12:00It's disgusting.
12:03Just out of shot, it's a big branch of Dixons and they're all just looking in the windows.
12:08At themselves.
12:10Yes.
12:11I hear there's a problem with the tail.
12:13Maybe I should fix it just here.
12:16I once knew a couple who got stuck in their car in Kenya.
12:21They imported their Mini into Kenya and they were driving along and they stopped to look
12:26at some animals and a giraffe fancied the look of this Mini and he tried to mount it
12:31from behind.
12:32This is true.
12:33He tried to mount it from behind.
12:34Yes.
12:34And he got stuck over the...
12:36And they couldn't open the doors.
12:41I don't know how they got out.
12:42I mean, I think he had finished his pleasure.
12:45Did they have a rear wiper?
12:45That might have helped.
12:48That might have brought things to the conclusion.
12:52Oh, that's doing it.
12:53Oh yeah, I like that.
12:54And is that what they put on the insurance claim?
13:00Now, when I say they have short necks, why would I say they have short necks?
13:03Because you're wrong.
13:04Annoying.
13:04I don't know.
13:06It's in relation to their legs their necks are short.
13:09Oh.
13:10In order to drink water, most animals like deer, they don't have to splay out in that
13:15very vulnerable and unbalanced and quite tricky position just in order to have a sip of
13:19water.
13:20But if their necks were longer, they would just dip down and drink the water.
13:23Instead, because their legs are so long is the point.
13:26I have had a stance like that myself in the odd public house, I have to say.
13:30It's familiar.
13:32It's familiar.
13:33When you spilt your pint on the floor.
13:34Yeah.
13:34I'm not wasting that.
13:39So, I mean, it's important for it to have long legs.
13:41Why is it important for it to have long legs?
13:43Well, that might bring us to the next question.
13:45Why do giraffes have such long necks?
13:50I presume so they can eat things in the trees?
13:53Yeah, the tops of trees.
13:54So they can't see?
13:56Oh.
13:58To eat, to eat not.
13:59Is that not true then, Stephen?
14:02Well, actually, they don't eat from the tops of trees.
14:05They bend their necks to eat.
14:08But the giraffologist community is rather split along two lines.
14:11The real reason, many, many people believe, is, see if you can guess what, I mean, so many
14:18things that...
14:18Seeing a long distance?
14:19Seeing over things?
14:21That is very useful to see each other, to see other things.
14:23Seeing you on the top left of the bus?
14:24Yeah, they're in large groups.
14:25People used to think they were solitary, but they realize they're in groups, but the groups
14:29are just simply very spread out because they can see each other.
14:32But a lot of animals have things and objects, and the most noticeable thing about them is
14:37there for what reason?
14:39Why does a rhino have a horn?
14:40Why does a deer have antlers?
14:42So, people will put them in zoos?
14:45Which is all they want in their life.
14:47If they didn't have long necks, people wouldn't go and see them, would they?
14:50Do they fight with their necks?
14:52They fight.
14:52They fight other males.
14:54Oh, is this...
14:55What?
14:55Oh, ow!
14:56That's what they do.
14:58And it's unbelievable.
14:59They can kill each other with one swipe of their neck.
15:03Ooh!
15:04Isn't that a shock?
15:06Come on!
15:06That's vicious.
15:07Yeah.
15:08They're such graceful, gentle animals, you think.
15:10And then look at that.
15:12It's quite a stupid sport, though, really.
15:17Do you think, earlier on, he was licking his...
15:19Yeah.
15:21They went from goosing to necking.
15:23Well...
15:23They haven't got the fundamental ducking principle.
15:26That's really what they...
15:27Well, they used to be pleasant.
15:28Just duck.
15:29Duck now.
15:30Duck.
15:31This is like that footage they have on ITV of town centres on a Friday night, isn't it?
15:36People fighting at buscars.
15:38Don't you want that at the Olympics?
15:39Don't you think they should clear horse guards and have this kind of fighting?
15:42I think it'd be marvellous.
15:43It would be good, wouldn't it?
15:44Yeah, much better.
15:44Much more interesting.
15:45They are incredible.
15:46I mean, can you imagine being a baby giraffe and you're just on your way out?
15:49You think, oh, hello, that's a long way down.
15:51Six foot, they...
15:52Six foot, they...
15:53Well, six foot, they're born the size of six foot and they're dropped head first out of their mother's passage.
15:57That would affect you for life, I would have thought.
16:01That's why their necks are so long, to stop the fall.
16:04Yeah, maybe you've got it finally once and for all.
16:07They plant those horns into the ground and then they stand on their heads until they can walk.
16:14Wait a minute.
16:15Evolution is amazing.
16:16It is, isn't it?
16:17So, there you are, they're these beautiful animals and they are graceful and sweet and long-eyelashed
16:23and sexy and rather desirable in many ways.
16:26But they use their necks, it seems, as weapons of war, isn't it?
16:32Yes, and giants use them in the latrines.
16:37What do giraffes eat?
16:39What's their main staple?
16:40Children.
16:41Staple, in fact.
16:42No children.
16:44Eaves, plants.
16:45Yes, particular plant.
16:46It's not treetops.
16:47No.
16:48Acacia.
16:49Acacia.
16:49Acacia, yeah.
16:50Acacia, which is a thorny plant, which has developed a rather brilliant strategy for trying
16:54to put the giraffes off from eating it.
16:57It gives out a very bitter taste.
16:59But, more impressively, it warns its neighbours when giraffes are coming.
17:03What?
17:04By going, psst, giraffe?
17:05Yeah.
17:06Basically, yeah.
17:07It sends out chemical signals.
17:09Yeah.
17:09And that provokes the bitter.
17:11Then what do they do?
17:12Run away?
17:12No.
17:13Sadly, that's one thing they can't do.
17:16There's a giraffe coming.
17:17Brilliant.
17:17Thanks, man.
17:19So, now I'll be all fearful if you want to die.
17:22I'm just telling you.
17:26Yeah, it's a wind-borne warning burst, is the name of this particular...
17:30My favourite type.
17:31A warning burst.
17:31A warning burst.
17:32Have you ever done a wind-borne warning...
17:33Oh, yeah.
17:36But enough with giraffes, I feel.
17:38What's the commonest cause of death amongst mankind...
17:42Wow.
17:44Brian Blessed.
17:47Very good.
17:55When you put that beard on, that noise turns into words.
17:59It turns into words.
18:04It's a translator.
18:06Mountain goats, what is the most common falling off?
18:08Is it snowboarding accidents?
18:10Almost easy.
18:11Well, I would think with those horns, you'd have a devil's own job getting a helmet on.
18:15Is it assassination?
18:17Yeah.
18:18Not...
18:18No.
18:20You said it.
18:21Falling off.
18:22Falling off mountains.
18:23Would you believe it?
18:24They fall off mountains.
18:25Clumsy?
18:26No, not clumsy.
18:26They're unbelievably nimble and secure and sure-footed, but...
18:31They show off.
18:31No, it's worse than that.
18:33What is it?
18:33They get coffee drinkers.
18:35Three to four times every hour, they...
18:37They flip over like those toys that you wind up.
18:41They try...
18:43They try and fly!
18:50They use their horns to...
18:53What?
18:53Scratch their arses?
18:54Things.
18:56Fight!
18:56Fighting!
18:57Fighting!
18:58They fight.
18:59Fight!
19:00Fighting!
19:00They flip them over.
19:02There they are, look.
19:03Look at that.
19:04And that's what...
19:05That's what...
19:06They knock each other off the mount.
19:07They knock each other off each other's perches, there you are.
19:09Now, if you can tell me what's quite interesting about the American mountain goat.
19:13Two things are quite interesting about the American mountain goat.
19:16Well, of course, I'm an expert in it.
19:17Naturally, because you're American.
19:19Yes.
19:19It's found in America.
19:21It's found in America.
19:21Largely around the mountains.
19:23Indeed.
19:24The Cascades and the Rockies.
19:26And it never falls off.
19:28Because they're glued to the top.
19:31Would you recognize an American mountain goat?
19:33Well, what's its color?
19:34Red, white, and blue.
19:37Take two of those away and you've got it.
19:39It's blue.
19:40White.
19:42Oh, it's like being on National Geographic.
19:44White.
19:44It's white.
19:45It's the purest white.
19:46It's the purest...
19:47It's the purest white of any of these things.
19:49It's the only pure white ruminant, in fact.
19:52But...
19:52I was wondering.
19:53Yeah.
19:54It's not a goat.
19:56Oh.
19:57Heavens.
19:57Who put them up there?
19:59I'm not sure if that's an example of them.
20:01Help!
20:02Hey, look!
20:02Help!
20:04It's the fastest growing tree in the world.
20:07And they all stand there and it goes...
20:08Yeah.
20:12Oh, dear.
20:14Well, I think we've cleaned this tree off.
20:16Let's go, shall we?
20:18Very little left here.
20:19I used to be a goat herdsman, so I could get them down for you, if you want.
20:23Wouldn't that just be a goat herd?
20:25Sorry?
20:26Wouldn't that just be a goat herd rather than a goat herdsman?
20:28Yeah, sorry.
20:29That's all right.
20:31When I was a goat herdsman.
20:36I was a goat herd manor.
20:38Manny thing.
20:39I could have got them down for you, no problem.
20:42Could you...
20:42What goat herding technique would you have used?
20:45Do-do-do-do-do...
20:48Really?
20:50That one moved.
20:53Why do we say he's a bit of an old goat?
20:55Why do we say that?
20:55I think they are quite randy goats.
20:58I could sense, after a few weeks, they've found me more and more attractive.
21:03Do you know why?
21:04Is it because they know we've got money?
21:08Money and cars.
21:10They're actually quite shallow.
21:12They see the cars and the sexy clothes and the music and the gold.
21:16They're like wax.
21:17Yeah.
21:18Hey, maybe I get all done.
21:19What it is, is our sweat.
21:22Under our arms we have a sort of goatee smell and female goats go mad for it.
21:27So if you wish to attract a female goat, a nanny.
21:30Yep.
21:32That's it.
21:32Just waft a bit of your underarm atter.
21:36Geez.
21:36I used to be in a forest with 26 goats and I never got one approach.
21:41Not a nibble.
21:42Nothing.
21:42Now I feel quite hurt.
21:44Yeah.
21:47They're very clever, the goats.
21:49About half of them could use a calculator.
21:52In Kenya, they weren't just like bashing around a bit.
21:54You know, they knew what they were up to.
21:55They were doing sums.
21:56In Kenya, there's a sort of male chastity belt.
21:59A little object that they put on, called an olor, which they put on male goats to stop
22:03them from being able to mate.
22:05I think we have a picture.
22:06There you are.
22:06It's this kind of thing.
22:07So that they mate in the right season for the Kenyan farmers and the kids are born at
22:12the right time.
22:13He's not looking too happy about it, is he?
22:15No.
22:15Well, would you?
22:15You'd have to exactly wear one of those.
22:17When it chafes.
22:18Yeah.
22:18I bet it chafes something horrible.
22:20Yeah.
22:21I'm sorry to say that it's recently in 2007, the Nepalese airlines slaughtered two goats
22:27because there was a technical fault.
22:30And so they slaughtered the goats to a Hindu god in order to...
22:34Were they in the pilot seats?
22:35No.
22:37They wouldn't go out.
22:38They just crashed it.
22:39They should have got me there.
22:41They'd have gone...
22:44I don't believe that that is a goat.
22:46That's not a goat call.
22:47It's a goat call.
22:48It's a snot.
22:49That's right, it's not.
22:50See?
22:50Just how cool am I about it.
22:52Oh.
22:53Because I know it is.
22:56You too, too.
22:57Biket.
22:57Biket.
22:58What are you saying?
22:59Are you saying words?
23:01Yeah.
23:01Yeah.
23:01It's a call.
23:02I was a goat husband.
23:03Is it French?
23:04It's a French goat husband.
23:05What does it mean?
23:05What is it saying?
23:06Biket.
23:07Yeah, it's French for goat.
23:09Biket.
23:09Biket.
23:12You've got a goat under your arm every morning.
23:16These are just the very well-bred game.
23:18It was.
23:19He wants to put us in a sandwich.
23:22Stay away from me.
23:23It's his way.
23:23It's his way.
23:25I'd say it was the most stressful job I've ever had in my life.
23:27Being a goat head.
23:28I would...
23:29I mean, it would make a futures dealer on the London Stock Exchange, you know, seem laid
23:33back.
23:34You just shoot 26 goats and they just go wherever they...
23:36If you're useless at it like I was, they go wherever they want.
23:39It's because you're making that ridiculous sound.
23:40Yeah.
23:42Why don't you throw a rock at them or something?
23:44Something they respect.
23:45Did you...
23:46Were you really a goat head?
23:47I was, yeah.
23:48How did you get the job?
23:50We clearly know nothing about them.
23:51Shouting bread.
23:52No.
23:53Well, it was during the 80s that he was in power.
23:55There wasn't a lot of work.
23:57I'd put goat herdsmen on a job application form.
24:00Oh, no.
24:01I was in France.
24:02I just got a job in France on a farm.
24:04How long did you do it for them?
24:05About three months.
24:06Were these goats for dairy goats or were they for meat?
24:09For cheese, yes.
24:10For cheese, dairy goats.
24:11They used to have to take them to different parts of the forest and the farmer would say,
24:13find these leaves because it'll make the cheese taste...
24:16And I'd say, yeah, of course I will.
24:18Sit.
24:20Eat this, eat this, eat this.
24:22Basically, it was Boursin, Boursin.
24:26Oh.
24:27Du vin, du pain, du Boursin.
24:29That used to be their advert.
24:31Yeah.
24:31Now, what did seagulls contribute to the war effort?
24:36Seagulls?
24:37Seagulls.
24:41You know, you give a television technician Photoshop them.
24:45Did they steal the food out of the hands of the enemy soldiers?
24:49You know, they starved to death.
24:49Is it like the parrots in the Eiffel Tower?
24:52They kept parrots in the Eiffel Tower in World War II to warn when aircraft were coming.
24:56And they'd go, oh, aircraft coming.
24:59That's true, indeed.
25:01Surely, they'd say, des avions viennent.
25:04Yes, obviously.
25:05I was translating for the benefit of the audience.
25:08No, it's not quite that.
25:09Again, we have to be in the right war.
25:12Which war?
25:12Which war are we in?
25:13The First World War we need.
25:14Some sort of message service?
25:16No, there was a new threat that had never been seen in warfare before.
25:20Airplanes.
25:21That was one.
25:23In another medium?
25:24Submarines.
25:25Submarines, yes.
25:27What is a seagull with a submarine?
25:29Well, let's try and put it all together, shall we?
25:34Now, one of the problems with a submarine is you can't see it.
25:37There was no sonar, of course, in the First World War.
25:39So how do you know where they are?
25:41When they surface.
25:42Well, if they surface, you can see them.
25:44But before they surface, another thing that a submarine does is pop up a periscope.
25:49So if you could train a seagull to flock towards periscopes
25:55by putting food all over the periscopes on your own submarine,
25:58so that whenever it saw a periscope it was associated with food and flocked to it,
26:01then whenever there was a submarine with its periscope up,
26:05the seagulls would flock towards it and you'd be on the old ship and you'd go,
26:08there must be a submarine over there because the seagulls are...
26:10Did they train every seagull in the world to do this?
26:13Or did they keep flocks of seagulls, so to speak, on ships?
26:17Yes.
26:17Surely the floor in the plan is putting food all over your own periscopes,
26:20so you can't see where you're going.
26:22You only do that in the training area.
26:24Oh, I see. Sorry.
26:26But they thought, while we're there, they thought,
26:27let's get it, not just training to recognise the enemy's periscope,
26:31but to poo all over it so that it will blank out the lens.
26:44It was a grand plan. It did not work, I'm afraid.
26:49Partly because the gulls couldn't distinguish between enemy...
26:53Stupid creatures.
26:53Well, they couldn't distinguish between enemy submarines and home submarines.
26:56Oh.
26:57But more importantly, when I said seagull, I was making an ornithological mistake.
27:02Erm, albatross.
27:03No, they're not seagulls.
27:04Terns.
27:05Terns?
27:05Gulls.
27:06They're just gulls.
27:07Gulls.
27:07They're not seabirds, gulls. They're land birds.
27:11They don't go far out to sea at all.
27:12They live on the edge of the land, admittedly, in cliffs and things,
27:15but they, you know...
27:17Do they have webbed feet?
27:19So they don't go that far out.
27:21So if you're looking for a submarine...
27:26Is this upsetting your world view?
27:28If you're looking for a submarine in the middle...
27:30Sea gulls!
27:32If you're looking for a submarine in the middle of the Atlantic,
27:33the birds are going to say, I'm not going that far.
27:35Yes. Basically, that's the problem. It just doesn't go that far out.
27:38When the weather's bad on the coast, they all come into London.
27:40That's how you know the weather's bad on the coast and not to go to the seaside.
27:43Yes.
27:44That's the only thing I know about gulls.
27:46That's true.
27:47Why did gulls suddenly appear in 1956?
27:50Why did their population explode?
27:52No.
27:53Suicide crisis.
27:54No.
27:54Something happened in 1956 that caused gulls to absolutely...
27:59Wow.
28:00Fairies.
28:01Oh, they...
28:02Trains?
28:02People put food all over their parents.
28:04No.
28:04There was a disastrous event that took place here in London.
28:07Smog.
28:08Smog.
28:09Smog.
28:10Smog.
28:10It was the worst smog ever.
28:12I mean, so bad.
28:13Literally thousands and thousands of people died.
28:15And this caused an act of parliament called...
28:18Clean Air Act.
28:19The Clean Air Act of 1956, which made it illegal, amongst other things, to burn rubbish.
28:25So what could you do with rubbish?
28:28Leave it out for the bird buries.
28:29Landfills.
28:30As you know, landfills attract gulls like nothing else.
28:33And this is why the gull population absolutely exploded in Britain, because of the Clean Air Act.
28:37It's a strange thought, isn't it?
28:39They eat all rubbish.
28:40Yes.
28:40Well, I was once carrying a pizza, you know, in a pub by the seaside, a whole pizza out
28:46to the table, and the gull came and took the whole thing.
28:51I was lucky not to be taken as well, I think.
28:55They're big.
28:56They're quite big, aren't they?
28:57Well, big animals.
28:58Did you come to the table with just a tiny little shred of things?
29:02Just thumb-shaped.
29:04Where were you friends at?
29:06Standing?
29:06There's a gull flying around like this.
29:12Right.
29:13So, yes, during the First World War, seagulls were trained to search out German submarines
29:16and then crap on their periscopes.
29:17Pretty clear message.
29:18But what is this camel behind me trying to tell you here?
29:22What's going on?
29:24Oh, dear.
29:26It's a very disgusted audience, though.
29:28They don't like what they see.
29:29Are you saying Jeremy Carl's on in a minute?
29:31No.
29:35Do you know, what are we looking at there?
29:37I presume it's a tongue, isn't it?
29:39Or is it a sausage?
29:40It's not his tongue, amazingly.
29:41Is it to his stomach?
29:43No, it's his palate.
29:44It can blow part of his soft palate out.
29:47It's called the Palatinus diverticulus.
29:50It's known as a gulla, and it's used as, again, we've been discussing,
29:53it's used in mating.
29:54It's used to attract females.
29:56Oh, you really sexy beast you.
29:59Yeah.
29:59It's a heck of a thought, isn't it?
30:01Not working for me.
30:02It appears to be sticking out its tongue.
30:04The camels with the most testosterone have the biggest gulla.
30:07That's what they tell you.
30:08Yeah.
30:11It's like that nonsense about bald men being full of testosterone.
30:13Oh, I know.
30:14I know.
30:15Bless.
30:16Um, but, no, the size of...
30:19Oh, what?
30:20What?
30:23What?
30:27What?
30:29Phil's not insulted, because he doesn't know.
30:33Phil doesn't know he's bald.
30:34I don't know.
30:34I don't know.
30:36It's a big, thick, luscious head of hell.
30:39What?
30:41Well, down my back there is.
30:44I've got that.
30:48Anyway, they do that, they blow out their gulla, and they make a blub-blub-blub noise,
30:52apparently.
30:53Yeah, blub-blub-blub.
30:54That's the best they've come up with after all these years.
30:56In Saudi Arabia and other countries, they often cut the gulla out.
30:59Why would they do that?
30:59Do you know why?
31:00Yeah.
31:00To stop it?
31:01They cut it out.
31:02It's so they breathe better for camel racing.
31:04Oh, camel racing?
31:05Actually, in Saudi Arabia, they import camels from...
31:09Kent.
31:10Yeah.
31:13You set them up so well, Steve.
31:17It's very kind of you.
31:18Camels from Kent.
31:18No, not from Kent.
31:20From...
31:20Hertfordshire.
31:23Disabuse ourselves.
31:24Australia is the right answer, yes.
31:26But why would they import them?
31:28What do they need them for?
31:30Um...
31:30They're very good at cricket, the Australian one.
31:33Yes.
31:33The Australian camels are actually much fitter than the...
31:36than the...
31:37Oh, look, we like sports.
31:38Yeah.
31:39Yeah.
31:39It's a big outdoors.
31:40No, they don't...
31:41They don't...
31:42They don't use them to race.
31:43They don't use them for transport.
31:45They use the camels they import for...
31:46Food?
31:47Food for meat.
31:48Camel meat, yes.
31:49They eat them.
31:49They tell them they're going to have a lovely life of camel racing.
31:52Yeah.
31:52You'll love it over there, mate.
31:54Away you go.
31:54Good luck.
31:56Give us a call when you find your first race.
32:02They also import from Australia, the Saudi Arabians, something else.
32:07Barman.
32:07Not camels.
32:08That'd be stupid, isn't it?
32:09Barman, in Saudi Arabia.
32:13Barman.
32:13Sand.
32:14Sand?
32:14Sand?
32:14Sand, really?
32:15Sand.
32:16They love irony, don't they?
32:17Yes, yeah.
32:18They always see the other side of a joke.
32:20It's because the sand in Saudi Arabia is the wrong kind of sand for...
32:24Golf.
32:24Right in Peter's eyes.
32:25Building.
32:30Yes, male camels impress the ladies by blowing a balloon called a guller out of their mouth.
32:34Speaking of blowing bubbles, why don't goldfish swim into the side of their bowls?
32:39They're stupid, aren't they?
32:41Because they're not stupid.
32:46Let me just say, they don't use their eyes to know it's glass, so what do they use to
32:50know that there's something there?
32:51The sense.
32:52The pressure of the water?
32:53A sense.
32:53The pressure of the water is the right answer.
32:55They have little pressure sensors, which are similar to the ones we use for our ears.
32:59And they activate little gelatinous caps that in themselves activate hairs that tell
33:03them in the same way that our cochlea fluid activates hairs that tells us there's
33:07pressure in our ears.
33:08Goldfish don't have hairs.
33:09You don't see goldfish with different styles.
33:13Nemo fish.
33:1320 years in time.
33:16I love what you've done with your goldfish.
33:21Well, it seems they do.
33:23Sharks have the same thing.
33:24They have neuromasts as well.
33:25They're called the ampoules of Lorenzini.
33:29And they detect not pressure but...
33:32Fear.
33:32Fear.
33:33Well, no other than electricity.
33:35Oh.
33:35Because a lot of fish give off electricity as a sort of weapon and...
33:38They know when you've left their light on.
33:39Yeah.
33:41He's really beautiful, isn't he?
33:42Look at him.
33:43Ooh.
33:43He is a biggie.
33:44He is a biggie.
33:45That's a nurse.
33:46Is that a nurse?
33:47Why is that a nurse?
33:49Well, and then, er, I was referring to the brand of shark.
33:52Hospital to be you born in.
33:54I suddenly had an image of you in a home.
33:59Look at the nurse!
34:00Arrgh!
34:05Oh, lordly bless.
34:07Anyway, fish don't use their eyes to navigate.
34:09They use a system of pressure detectors along the sides of their body.
34:12Go on.
34:12How did the gerbils let us down in the war on terror?
34:16They're notoriously insubordinate.
34:18It's true.
34:19They can't take orders.
34:20They can't take orders.
34:21They can't take orders.
34:21They talk back all the time.
34:22They're fickle.
34:22Ironically, they're easily terrified.
34:25Which made them the worst possible candidate to wage a war on terror.
34:31The first sign of terror, an axe and ahhh.
34:34Well, it's odd.
34:36A hat falls off.
34:38Let me say, you just need to do that, don't you?
34:41Yeah.
34:43They are well acquainted with terror, put it that way.
34:46But they don't live very long, so by the time you train them for something, presumably they drop dead.
34:49That wasn't the reason they were a failure or that they didn't work out.
34:53It's that they can smell terror.
34:55Yeah.
34:56And how would you be able to smell terror?
34:57What are they smelling?
34:59Not exactly pheromones, but hormones.
35:01I'm sticking with pheromones.
35:03Yeah.
35:03It's just the plan.
35:04You'd have a booth at the airport.
35:05Yes.
35:06No.
35:07You'd have a booth at the airport.
35:08People would walk through the gerbils.
35:09Not only a booth, but a fan behind the people, so that the air is blown towards the gerbil in
35:15a cage.
35:16And if they've got adrenaline, which is...
35:20You see, now we need to talk about the mad seagull idea.
35:22Yeah.
35:22First of all, they were a bit barbie in those days when they didn't have technology in the sun.
35:27And now we're all computed up to the eyeballs.
35:29A big fan blowing your whip towards a gerbil.
35:32What's the gerbil going to do?
35:34He's one.
35:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:36He's a gerbil.
35:37He's a little sign.
35:38Of course you'd have adrenaline going if they didn't go in a cage and there's a great big wheel and
35:42you're made to go round.
35:42And there's a gerbil.
35:44No!
35:45The gerbil.
35:45They don't see the gerbil.
35:48The passengers don't see the gerbil.
35:49Oh.
35:49Two-way mirror.
35:50But yeah, it doesn't...
35:55The gerbil just needs the air.
35:56A little mirror with a gerbil.
35:58Anyway, the gerbil is trained to press a button when it smells the adrenaline.
36:04Yeah.
36:06Nonchalantly.
36:07Nonchalantly.
36:08Exactly.
36:09What else can you tell me about gerbils to cheer us up?
36:11The most popular gerbil is the Mongolian.
36:15Yes!
36:16It's the right answer.
36:17That's the gerbil.
36:17The one we use as a pet.
36:18And it's small.
36:20And what other advantages does it have as a pet?
36:22It doesn't live very long.
36:24No.
36:24That's a strange kind of advantage.
36:28No, your kids say, I want a pet.
36:29You say, well, get a gerbil.
36:30It won't last very long.
36:32You'll learn about life and death.
36:33Yeah, they're marvellous.
36:34Yes, but also because they're desert animals, their poo is dry and non-smelly.
36:38So unlike mice and rats and things that don't have pooey because you know how bad mice are.
36:41You can freeze them and then hit them over a wall with a cricket bat.
36:46Don't be right.
36:47Don't be right.
36:50Don't be right.
36:51Don't be right.
36:52Don't be right.
36:52You wish you had a pet.
36:53Don't be right.
36:53He was banned from the pet.
36:55Yeah.
36:57Dreadful man.
36:58That's a lot of potential Olympic sport, I think.
37:00Yes, exactly.
37:01Paul!
37:05And so the light fades and our guests head bravely for the waterhole in the full knowledge.
37:11At any moment, they're likely to be dragged underwater and devoured by the savage gila monster of general ignorance.
37:18So fingers on buzzers, why are there no insects in the sea?
37:30Yes, Bill.
37:31Because it's too far.
37:37Yes, yes.
37:39Yes, that's right.
37:40I agree.
37:41It's too far.
37:42It's too far.
37:42I know.
37:43It's too far.
37:45It's too far out.
37:47Because water makes them explode.
37:49There are insects in rivers.
37:51Ah, I'm proud of that.
37:52The salt water, is it?
37:53It's not the salt water, because there are salt water spiders.
37:56Plenty of those.
37:57Plenty of sea spiders.
37:58Carrots too strong.
38:00Spiders aren't insects.
38:01Spiders aren't insects.
38:01Spiders are not insects.
38:02Ha-ha!
38:03Exactly what I'm saying.
38:03There aren't any insects, but there are spiders.
38:07Have they got spiders in here?
38:10No, it seems to be because there are no trees and there are no flowering plants.
38:14You know, nothing that they've evolved to deal with exists in the sea.
38:18No.
38:18Whereas spiders could live in the sea, because they just hunt and they can fall.
38:22It's a shame, isn't it, really?
38:23Yeah.
38:23It is.
38:23Yeah.
38:24There you go.
38:25Now, who stopped flying the Jolly Roger in 2003?
38:31There's the Jolly Roger.
38:32Yes, the Scully Horse Bones.
38:34Yes.
38:35The Queen.
38:36The Queen.
38:38Not the Queen.
38:39No.
38:40No.
38:41Yeah.
38:43Clarkson.
38:45Not Clarkson.
38:46Is it the British Navy?
38:47The British Navy.
38:48One particular division of the British Navy, one particular part.
38:50Oh, when they had a plague or something.
38:52The Submariners.
38:53Oh.
38:54Submariners, right up until 2003, flew the Jolly Roger, the Scully Cross Bones, when they came
39:00back from successful missions.
39:01The submarines were regarded as dishonorable and, indeed, piratical, unworthy of us.
39:06They were cheating.
39:07And Admiral Sir Arthur Wilson, in 1901, found few opponents when he characterized them as
39:12underhand, unfair, and damned un-English.
39:15Yeah.
39:16The submarines.
39:17Yeah, the submarines.
39:18The opinion shifted, obviously, by the war, 1914 war.
39:22Un-English.
39:22And so they deliberately flew piratical flags because they were sort of proud of the fact
39:27that they were piratical.
39:29It was their roguish nature.
39:30So why did they stop, then?
39:31Well, they stopped for reasons, apparently, well, sort of not exactly political correctness,
39:35but, you know, is it making fun and vainglorious?
39:39Is it glorying in war?
39:41Which we're not allowed to do, obviously.
39:43For good reason.
39:43Or is nasty in hell, and so on.
39:45But it seems a bit nimmity-pimmity, doesn't it?
39:47I think it was because all the seagull guano showed up on the black claw.
39:50Yeah, that's true.
39:51Maybe it was that.
39:52They just couldn't keep them clean.
39:53And the other reason being, I suppose, they wanted to keep the intelligence gathering
39:56and special forces element of submariner-ing was rather compromised by them flying a flag
40:01around all the time.
40:02It became very secret.
40:03Who goose-stepped their way across Europe in the 1940s?
40:07No.
40:08Was it a goose?
40:10No.
40:13Sorry.
40:15It's worth a try.
40:16It was.
40:17It was.
40:17Who goose-stepped their way across Europe in the 1940s?
40:19Well, I mean, erm...
40:20Well...
40:21Dutch.
40:22You know, erm...
40:24What's the name?
40:24Him?
40:25Reluctant to say...
40:27What?
40:27What?
40:28What are you reluctant to say, Alan?
40:30Any reference to, erm...
40:33Hitler!
40:33Hitler!
40:34Hitler!
40:34Oh, Hitler!
40:36Hitler!
40:36No.
40:36It's not enough.
40:38It's not enough.
40:39It's not enough.
40:41The Nazis didn't goose-stepped in the 1940s.
40:43The Russians is the right answer.
40:45But why?
40:47Because they had incredibly stiff starch.
40:49No, but why was the Nazis wrong?
40:52Why was the Nazis the wrong answer?
40:53Surely they did goose-stepped.
40:54Because they didn't do the goose-stepped.
40:55They did do the goose-stepped.
40:56But not in the 1940s.
40:58They stopped it in the 1930s.
40:59They only Gustav in their early years, in the Nuremberg rallies and so forth.
41:04New Year's resolution.
41:05It fell out of fashion.
41:05It fell out of fashion and no new recruits were asked to do it.
41:08They called it Der Stechstricht.
41:10Der Stechstricht.
41:11Very high impact.
41:13That's actually Chinese or Korean, I think, is it?
41:16That's Korean, yes.
41:16North Koreans, yes.
41:17And that's the point.
41:18It's very, very hard to do and it shows just how butch and clever and disciplined you are.
41:22You have to have tremendously flexible hamstrings to do that, I think.
41:25You all have to be the same height as well, don't you?
41:28Yes.
41:28You do have to be.
41:29And Korean, apparently.
41:31Well, Korean or Russian or Chinese or Cuban or Vietnamese or Chilean or Iranian.
41:35There you are.
41:36So, the Nazis dropped the Gustav in 1940.
41:39The only people Gustav in Europe for the rest of the war were the Soviets.
41:42So, I know all you care about now are the scores and I have them in front of me in
41:46my word.
41:46They are fascinating, fascinating to behold.
41:50In equal last place on minus seven, Sean and Bill.
41:55Thank you very much.
41:59Thank you very much.
42:01Oh.
42:03In third place on minus four, it's Alan Davis.
42:06How respectable is that?
42:11In second place with minus three, it's Sandy Toksvig.
42:16Oh, my God.
42:17Thank you very much.
42:18Thank you very much.
42:19Which means that our glorious winner is John Hodgburn.
42:30Well, that's it from Sandy, John, Sean, Bill, Alan, and me.
42:33I leave you with a simple truth gleaned from the blogosphere.
42:37Friendship is like wetting your pants.
42:39Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
42:43Thank you, good night.
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