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06:02Anything else? Nope? Okay.
06:05I'm sorry, what's happening?
06:08My dad chokes me!
06:10Oh, great. Monstaire.
06:13He's so friggin' wholesome.
06:16Oh, hello.
06:17You know the law can be a scary place
06:20where no one cares for wholesome things.
06:23Things like lemonade, or limeade, or the truth.
06:27Well, I do.
06:29My name is pronounced Matt Monstaire.
06:34Grandpa Monstaire?
06:35Is it true that just because someone looks a little like a ghoul
06:39that doesn't mean they're evil?
06:40Right, honey boy.
06:42Lucky that's not a problem for me, though.
06:45Stare down injustice at the law offices of Monstaire and Vion.
06:52We are Cajun, you see.
06:55Your Honor, my client is citing irreconcilable separation,
06:59interference of visitation, and...
07:01God doesn't want this divorce to happen.
07:04He wants Dilterton spreading the word.
07:06Jesus, already?
07:08Jesus, always.
07:09Your Honor, we would like to submit into evidence this early video of Dilterton's show.
07:15Objection, Your Honor. Relevance.
07:17This is a divorce case.
07:18Nope.
07:19My joie de vivre and adult ADHD cut both ways, Mr. Gum.
07:24Overruled.
07:25We're watching a movie!
07:26Go ahead, Dilterton.
07:28Tell him what you saw.
07:29Um, Batman was there, and he was shooting the bad guys, and the bad guys got dead.
07:36Dilterton means that God is like Batman, because he believes in justice.
07:41And the minions, and the Pikachu.
07:45And?
07:46And God said in heaven, families are together forever.
07:53Please! That's clearly a video of a man brainwashing his child.
07:57Not if the boy is telling the truth about God.
08:01Which he's not.
08:02Prove it!
08:03Oh, my God, it's happening.
08:04Your Honor, this is a divorce case.
08:07Sorry, dude.
08:08Seems like if you want custody, you gotta do something pretty huge.
08:12Fuck you, Sheila.
08:13I submit to the court that God doesn't exist.
08:17Yes!
08:19Again, God said heaven points can be redeemed at an angel center, but you get triple cloud spins if you
08:26activate them with Saint Jeeps.
08:27But they do not transfer into...
08:30What's the plan here?
08:31I'm looking for a weakness.
08:32Hmm.
08:33What turned me against my parents?
08:35You're unbelievable!
08:41Spike Radisson?
08:47No, Sheila!
08:48Forget it, Sheila Senior.
08:50That kid is just too damn cool.
08:53You're unbelievable!
08:55Of course.
08:55The key to rebellion is a cool older kid.
08:58But where will I find one of those?
09:00Sorry, what?
09:01I was busy doing switchblade tricks.
09:04Bad show?
09:06Eh, you'll get him next time.
09:08What?
09:08Okay, come on, I killed.
09:10Who are you?
09:11Who, me?
09:12I'm nose rings, buddy.
09:14I'm R-rated movies and saying the word sucks.
09:16I'm the goaded life you could have if you reject all this crap.
09:20Thank you, cool stranger.
09:21But you describe an empty husk of shallow pleasures.
09:24As Ezekiel said at the well of Damascus,
09:26Honor thy father and all authority, yea, as the blue lives shall ever matter.
09:31I pray that you find a similar piece.
09:34But I'm cool!
09:36And what else?
09:38You said this would be a simple case.
09:40Now, I don't get my son back unless you prove God's not real.
09:44Look, I didn't ask for this, lady.
09:46All that matters now is that we don't let this spiral into some big media circus.
09:52Margo Wahlberger, what happens in Vegas.
09:54Mr. Gum, is it true you've called for the head of the Pope?
09:57I think religion can bring meaning to some people's lives.
10:03Ugh.
10:04Mr. O'Raviolio, can you please turn the TV to literally anything else?
10:08Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
10:10You atheist, the devil worshipper!
10:12Pah!
10:12I may swing wildly between being Irish and Italian.
10:15But either way, I'm a humorless Catholic.
10:18Now get out!
10:19You know what?
10:20Fine.
10:21I tried to do it normal this time.
10:23I really did.
10:24You want a godless villain?
10:25You've got one.
10:28Okay, the Bart Simpson gambit didn't go so great.
10:31No way to see that coming.
10:33What else are people impressed by, see?
10:35Of course, dating.
10:37I'll just introduce him to my girlfriend.
10:39Say, Kevin, have you met my girlfriend?
10:44Mrs. Married Woman, that's good.
10:46Now, to complete the surname.
10:50Doubt Blu-Ray?
10:51Mrs. Doubt Blu-Ray?
10:53She's coming by to pick up this bag of Shredder trimmings,
10:56and this pantsuit from Sheila's Dry Cleaning,
10:59and this red makeup that she loaned Irene.
11:03Why, I think I hear her coming now.
11:07Oh, God!
11:08My eyes!
11:10It's been going into my brain!
11:12My memories are turning red!
11:14Ah!
11:20Poor kid.
11:21If cool kids can't save them, what can?
11:28Whip it!
11:29So sophisticated and adult.
11:33Being a magician is a good career choice.
11:36You're unbelievable.
11:38Of course.
11:39I'm a genius.
11:40It wasn't the cool kids.
11:41It was the cool drugs.
11:45Oh, hey, bucko.
11:47Want an edible?
11:49These things make you feel amazing,
11:51and also like you're in trouble.
11:54No, thank you.
11:55No, thank you!
11:57What's wrong with you, kid?
11:58These are free drugs we're trying to give you.
12:01God's on it.
12:02I call to the stand, Reverend White.
12:06Reverend, could God create a boulder so big
12:09even he couldn't move it?
12:11Of course he could.
12:13Well then, he's not exactly all-powerful
12:17if he can't move the boulder, is he?
12:20He isn't. He can't.
12:22How do you know the forbidding question?
12:26For my next witness, I call to the stand
12:28a flying spaghetti unicorn monster.
12:32No!
12:34That was great.
12:35We might actually win this.
12:37Yeah, another 300 years of intense religious debate,
12:40and we might just win this custody hearing.
12:43Here we go.
12:44Lincoln Gum!
12:46Let's go! Let's go!
12:46Terry Gross!
12:47National Public Radio!
12:49How does it feel to be the newest liberal firebrand
12:52a la Clarence Darrow Gloria Steinem
12:55or Moo Moo the whale who drowns millionaires?
12:58Elite liberal firebrand?
13:01Moi?
13:03Terry Nasty!
13:05Terry Gross's disgusting alter ego!
13:08National pubic radio!
13:10How's it feel to be the most dope-ass turd
13:13with the biggest dick at the piss party?
13:15Uh, yeah.
13:16I think I'm gonna like being an atheist.
13:19You're unbelievable!
13:20I just have a hard time believing
13:22in an old man with a beard
13:24who lives in the clouds.
13:26What powers the house? Lightning?
13:28Probably.
13:29I'm the gum atheist lawyer.
13:33A-M-A.
13:37Toads.
13:38You're always asking what it's all about.
13:41Don't listen to my applause.
13:42Of course religion has its place in gospel music
13:45and Star Wars.
13:47But I have a message for anybody with faith in their hearts.
13:51Do try to keep up.
13:52The adults are talking.
13:55That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
13:58And I'm married to John Krasinski.
14:00You're unbelievable!
14:01My heaven question is, can terrible no-god-man, Lincoln Gum,
14:07ever get into heaven?
14:07No, right?
14:09Well, God preaches forgiveness.
14:10Due to Mr. Gum's ongoing lawsuit,
14:13we legally cannot answer any questions about God,
14:16or heaven, or the Bible.
14:19But rest assured, we're gonna win.
14:22And my son will once again climb the stairway to heaven
14:27when he buys...
14:29One ticket to paradise.
14:32Of course.
14:33We've been overthinking it.
14:34Nothing can touch the high of basic adolescent rebellion
14:37against a crappy parent.
14:38And this guy sucks.
14:40Every kid wants to tell adults to go to hell.
14:42Yeah, you're right.
14:44Hey, Sheila, go to hell, you butt queen.
14:46Butt queen.
14:49How did I not win MTV Spring Break Butt Queen 98?
14:55Okay.
14:55I'm gonna just be real with him.
14:57Bye.
14:58Caduce.
14:59Look at my perfect butt.
15:04Back in a second, big man.
15:08Hello again.
15:10Where are your, uh, cool clothes?
15:12I got rid of the costume.
15:13Did you?
15:15Look, I know you've been on to me from the start.
15:17I just legit think your dad sucks and should go to hell.
15:19Which, I get it.
15:21Mine does too.
15:22You don't need to die over it.
15:24He is what he is.
15:25I am just lucky to have another, more caring father watching out for me.
15:29Damn.
15:30You really aren't scared.
15:31Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley,
15:33I am open carrying and shall stand mine ground.
15:36And Irene, for what it's worth, my dad does suck and will go to hell.
15:40One ticket to paradise.
15:44God bless you, Irene.
15:45In another life, you might have made a good wife for me.
15:48Yo, what?
15:52He's uncorruptible.
15:53Oh!
15:54I just saw a rat get hit with a car and not explode.
15:57Your Honor, for my last witness, I'd like to call Dilterton Timble to the stand.
16:04Tell me, Dilterton, since you seem to have all the answers,
16:07if God is real, why doesn't he just strike me down?
16:11Uh, well, he's a God of peace.
16:14Shut up and admit it. God's not real.
16:16I'm the king of atheists.
16:18I can taunt stupid God all I want and nothing.
16:23Ow!
16:24Objection! He attacked me!
16:26Your Honor, since God is busy protecting the troops,
16:30he sent me to strike this man down.
16:33Overruled. Checkmate atheist.
16:35Boy, oh boy, I cannot wait to email this story to my extended family who do not talk to me.
16:41I don't have all the answers. God does.
16:44That's why I need to die and go get them. Otherwise, God's plan is unknowable.
16:49That's convenient.
16:51No, it's inconvenient.
16:53The hardest thing God asks of his children is to have faith while he appears absent,
16:57and throughout centuries of silence, billions still believe.
17:00You know, your mom is in heaven, Lincoln.
17:02Are you saying you don't believe in that?
17:08This is so awesome!
17:10I don't believe in God, but I believe I'm drunk.
17:13This kid's a freak.
17:15It's true. We can't crack him. It's up to you to win in court.
17:19I can't. He beat me. It's over.
17:21I'm having a crisis of non-faith.
17:24God is real, and he hates me.
17:28Hey, take it outside, pal.
17:40I'm just saying, what's the point of doing anything if there's an eternal paradise awaiting us ruled by a supreme
17:47being who loves us unconditionally?
17:50Oh, this again. You know, everyone's so hung up on heaven and hell.
17:54Well, yeah?
17:56Look, dude. There's probably no afterlife. I mean, think about it.
18:00You'd get bored of torturing someone who betrayed you, like, after four days, right?
18:05And God is way smarter than you.
18:07I was a gifted kid.
18:08And at the same time, would you want to spend all eternity with people who dedicated their lives to you?
18:14It'd be horrible.
18:15Have you seen a Q&A with a director?
18:18My God.
18:19If the afterlife mattered, why would we even be here?
18:23God probably wants you to care about the sound of a dog's laugh or, like, the people you meet in
18:29life or some dumb crap like that.
18:31The people we meet in life, like Sheila. You're right. She's way more important than God. Thanks, Father.
18:42Yes? Oh, Mr. Pope.
18:45Fired!
18:47Sheila, you were right from the beginning. I know what we have to do.
18:51Destroy Dilterton Timbalt to save him.
18:54To save him.
18:55Deborah, are you okay with us tearing this all down?
18:57Anything to save my son.
18:59Then, Sheila, you think you can do a big stupid atheist trick to disprove God?
19:04Duh.
19:04Lincoln, I need a car battery.
19:06Irene, I need you to dig up a ton of dirt on the following people.
19:10Faith is a deeply personal thing.
19:13And who am I to tell anybody what faith they may or may not pursue?
19:18Me, that's who! Hit it, Sheila!
19:23Why can you see my skeleton?
19:29This woman is dead!
19:32But check this shit out.
19:35I just spent 20 seconds in heaven, and it's nothing like Dilerton described it.
19:39There's no golden throne. There's no chalices of Mountain Dew code heaven.
19:44You have no proof!
19:46Haven't I?
19:47Juror number four, your twin was there. The one that was absorbed in the womb. And she's pissed.
19:53Juror number nine, your childhood dog, Buckles, was up there. He saw you going to bed without brushing your teeth.
19:58It was the perfect crime!
20:00Oh, please. This proves nothing.
20:02Oh, God had a lot to say about you. Said he'd never met you. But that just seemed like a
20:07real virgin. And that your story is...
20:09Unbelievable.
20:10Whoa! The boys did the last murder of God!
20:15Lincoln Gum is a lying agent of Satan.
20:19What?
20:20He seduced me away from the church with promises of sexual ecstasy and his vast reserves of atheist gold.
20:28Deborah, what the hell are you doing? We were winning.
20:31Oh-ho-ho-ho! Your little stunt, learning the jury's secrets to fake a God encounter, was enough to snap
20:37me back to my senses.
20:39Because you hate God!
20:42That's not true. I don't hate God.
20:44Stenographer, read back a quote of Lincoln's at random.
20:47I hate God so much, Lincoln Gum number one God-hater supreme.
20:52That shouldn't count. That was from earlier.
20:54I've heard enough. Divorce dismissed. God is real.
20:58Dilterton, when you see him, please tell him I said,
21:01What's up?
21:03Yes, sir.
21:04So this was all for nothing?
21:06Uh, hey, it's not all bad. At least you were able to get over your fundamentalist upbringing.
21:11Fundamentalist upbringing? What the hell are you talking about?
21:24You're unbelievable.
21:25My parents didn't want me to be a Christian. They wanted me to be a boring lab technician with a
21:30401k.
21:31But your memories.
21:32I was having those privately.
21:34Okay, Glenn. It's time to pull out all the stops. How old is Kevin? 20s?
21:40What are young people like?
21:42Uh, the woke culture.
21:44You'll need to do something so unbelievably woke that they'll be writing about it in the history books for years.
21:50And a one, and a two, and you know what to do.
22:01Hey, I know I'm a demon. I just have some paperwork I need you to sign.
22:06You got a lot of nerve coming in here.
22:08Leave us.
22:11God says have a seat.
22:14You played your part beautifully, Lincoln. I was right to pick you.
22:17But your parents?
22:18They do as they're told.
22:21God says I called the shots in this family, and I say it's time for a movie.
22:26Wait, what are you talking about?
22:28True immortality. The silver screen.
22:32Boffo box office.
22:34But to get that, I needed a good story. A true story.
22:38One of an evil lawyer trying to, I don't know, prove in a court of law that there's no God.
22:45I... but you gave yourself over to the role of liberal boogeyman so easily.
22:51Don't you see?
22:51When there was one set of footprints, that's when I was directing you.
22:56No matter who's waiting after we die, I'm your God Lincoln Gum.
23:00Now leave me. I just found out about jacking off.
23:07God told me he needs me to tell people what I saw in heaven.
23:11His throne. The Camaro. All of it.
23:14Just be brave, son.
23:16The world hates people like us.
23:18People who believe.
23:20And they'll fight us with everything they've got.
23:22Your honor, the evidence is clear.
23:24The boy is lying.
23:27God is dead.
23:29I miss mom.
23:30We'll get her back.
23:32With faith.
23:33In heaven, I played paintball with Princess Diana.
23:36Yeah.
23:39But I don't wanna get divorced.
23:41Why, you think God's gonna be mad at you?
23:43No, I used to be like you.
23:45And then God killed my mom and put chemical burns all over my penis.
23:49Why would God do something like that if she was real?
23:53Family is all that matters.
23:56Stop.
23:56All that matters is making everyone as miserable as me.
23:59Lincoln gum.
24:01Right, Glenn?
24:03Hot clams.
24:04Oh, my God.
24:06Can you read that?
24:08Stop.
24:13Stop.
24:17Stop.
24:17Stop.
24:20Why don't you say, under oath, what we all already know, Dilderton?
24:25God doesn't even reel.
24:26No.
24:27I won't say that.
24:29I'll never say that.
24:31Because God does reel.
24:34God does reel.
24:37Rated PG for Praise God.
24:39Guiding soon to a theater near God.
24:41Feels like I should fight this?
24:43Telegram.
24:44Royalty check for Lincoln gum for ten million dollars.
24:47The film will give the people hope.
24:49Wait, wasn't this all to stop that kid from killing himself on stage?
24:52That was a con to sell a movie.
24:54I'm sure he's somewhere laughing at us.
24:58Dilderton Timble is with God.
25:02He'll be right back any second.
25:05Right, Doc?
25:07Keep your seats, everyone.
25:11Any second now.
25:15Goodbye, baby!
25:17Not now, The Big Bopper!
25:47The Big Bopper!
26:05Chirp!
26:18Was taway!
26:20Cool!
26:20Check this out!
26:20Crank b chair!
26:25You can definitely rely on the beginning.
26:26If it fluctuates through to manage his gravity,
26:31ladies, for chis checked,
26:31we'll give it a chance toada.
26:31We take care, citizens,
26:40Which means,
26:47GAP.
27:17...
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