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04:26To be fair to him, if you look at this picture,
04:28this was obviously a very stressful day and he's not sweating,
04:31so maybe he was telling the truth.
04:34Everybody's praising this photographer for getting this nap
04:36that nobody else could get.
04:37The first thing you learn how to do with editing software
04:40is red-eye reduction.
04:43And they go, I couldn't even manage that.
04:47This picture as well, the guard was actually saying
04:50that there was a problem with the butt and trying to let them out.
04:53That's why they were stuck there for so long.
04:55And I think, what a lie.
04:56He's just sitting there going, no, I am pressing it.
04:59If you're getting a picture here.
05:00No, I'm pressing it.
05:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
05:04Over here.
05:05It's one of these.
05:06Oops.
05:09I can't believe you've got a real button.
05:12We just have to mine buttons.
05:13No, no, no, I genuinely can at any time.
05:16I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
05:18I can do it at any time.
05:21But I choose not to.
05:22That's real power.
05:24That's very power.
05:24That's very power.
05:25The maturity.
05:26What's mad about this whole thing, though, is he's been arrested,
05:28but he's been arrested for misconduct.
05:29Don't you dare.
05:32Unless you want to go down for misconduct in public office.
05:35To be fair with this photo, there aren't many of us to get to see
05:38what we'd look like in an open casket, do we?
05:41LAUGHTER
05:44Just thinking how annoying it is to be stuck in trafficking.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:50But it feels like they just keep taking things from him,
05:53and you keep going, surely that's everything now.
05:56And then just this week, having stripped him of his royal titles,
05:58and stripped him of all his military ranks and all this,
06:01they've suddenly come out with, oh, we might also stop him
06:04from his line of succession to the throne.
06:06Which he still has.
06:09He's still eighth in line to the throne.
06:11So maybe we'll take...
06:12He's like the bad guy at the end of a horror film.
06:15But you think you've got, oh, here he comes again.
06:17He's going to get out with another.
06:18He's done!
06:20He's currently eighth in line for the throne,
06:22and soon he'd be eighth in line for the phone.
06:25LAUGHTER
06:26So if he gets taken out of the succession,
06:29we all get to move up once, don't we?
06:31Yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:34Unless he's reinserted further down the line.
06:37Yeah.
06:38Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it,
06:40that they arrived, and they're saying that, like,
06:42oh, he could have been in bed, and I can't not imagine him in bed
06:45with the police at the foot of his bed, and him just thinking,
06:48one of these is Michael McIntyre.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:53All of it's very circumstantial,
06:55because they don't actually know.
06:57They say that he could have been in bed,
06:58he could have been having breakfast,
07:00but all of it sounds really creepy.
07:03He could have been eating an egg.
07:05And I'm like, urgh!
07:07It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it?
07:11Because you know what they say about the Duke of York,
07:12you know, when he was up, he was up.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:16When he's down.
07:17I mean, Ronald also was notable about the timing of the arrest.
07:21Oh, on his birthday.
07:21He turned 66 that day.
07:22It was impressive.
07:23Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth
07:25and he said it, they were like,
07:27that's today, a happy birthday?
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31Well, what's the main thing that you want on your birthday,
07:33that the whole day is about you?
07:35That couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.
07:38He's calling it his birthday week.
07:39Everyone's talking about you today. Congratulations.
07:41I think it's quite sweet.
07:42Apparently, when they knocked down the door, they went,
07:43ha, have you got anything to say in your pen?
07:46LAUGHTER
07:48I'm just waiting for this to come out on 24 Hours in Police Custody.
07:52That's what I'm watching.
07:53It's going to be the best episode ever.
07:55It's going to be the greatest episode ever.
07:56Because he will do it because he'll think,
07:58oh, wait for me to get my side of the story out.
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02It's the same with Prince Andrew's staff.
08:03It came out that their nickname for him was the word C-U-N-T.
08:08LAUGHTER
08:09I was like, oh, I wonder what they're trying to say about him.
08:11I wish I could crack my coat.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:13What way has his staff reduced?
08:16A skeleton crew.
08:17He has, he has.
08:19A skeleton crew now.
08:19Very tight posse he has, yeah.
08:21It's chef and valet, apparently.
08:22A chef and a valet being described as a skeleton crew,
08:25that's still more than my crew.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Because they haven't actually hired this valet yet, have they?
08:32Yeah, they haven't.
08:32Do you know what they should do?
08:32They should do a reality show about it.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:35They should make it a reality show,
08:36called it Ain't No Valet Low Enough.
08:39LAUGHTER
08:45Moving on, what has Nigel Farage recently announced?
08:48It's not his shadow cabinet, because he's not the official opposition.
08:52No.
08:52He's just announced what jobs he's given to the various Conservative aides
08:57that have joined this party.
08:59And just so they don't get too spooked, this is them.
09:01Oh, man.
09:01In the most conservative cosplay situation of the world.
09:05LAUGHTER
09:05It does look like Farage is going,
09:07what's that?
09:07That looks like...
09:08Oh, it is, it's a bottle of piss.
09:10LAUGHTER
09:11That's him doing his favourite film, E.T. Go Home.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:16Who's the guy next on the right of him?
09:17Is that Rupert?
09:18It's Richard Tice.
09:19Richard Tice.
09:20Yes.
09:20Because all of them look happy, except Richard Tice,
09:22who looks like he's sort of in Jurassic Park.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:25And the rest of them are going,
09:26no, it's OK, Richard, the dinosaurs will vote for us.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30I love the way they do this thing of taking a successful TV show
09:33and then just franchising it to different cities.
09:36This is succession, Croydon.
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40That should just say Tories, clearance sale.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:45It's mad that reform are so obsessed with the past,
09:48they're trying to get the previous Cabinet elected.
09:50Like, it's the exact same thing, isn't it?
09:52It's mad they've just...
09:52This is the Tory party.
09:54It's the same colours, they've just changed the name.
09:56Yeah.
09:56It's like when everyone knew Hermes was so shit
09:59that they changed it to every...
10:01LAUGHTER
10:02..and thought we wouldn't notice
10:03that we're still getting our parcels four days late
10:06and they smell of piss.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:08Are you saying this is the TG Jones?
10:11LAUGHTER
10:12I think you might have.
10:13That just really irritates me, TG Jones.
10:16Like, they moved everything one to the left.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:19You've got a classier reference point than me.
10:21I'm just like...
10:21I don't know what you're talking about.
10:23What, W.A. Smith is now called TG Jones?
10:24What?
10:25What?
10:26LAUGHTER
10:28We thought it was an Irish thing.
10:30No!
10:31I thought it was TGI Fridays.
10:33No!
10:34They split the company so...
10:35And the only bit they were making money was their travel business
10:38so they split that away
10:38and they moved all the stuff that we use.
10:41How can they be making money at those service stations
10:43for only charging £5 for a litre of milk?
10:46That's incredible.
10:48It's now called TG Jones.
10:49But they've done it with the same facts and the same thing.
10:51This is TG Jones, basically.
10:53Yeah, OK.
10:53Am I bringing this news to the night?
10:55No, I can't.
10:56This is breaking.
10:57This is the news.
10:58This is the bit that'll go in.
10:59This is the bit that...
11:01LAUGHTER
11:06We're going, sheep-o, it's TG Jones now.
11:09They were dressed in the W.A. Smith's colours, to be fair.
11:12My mind is absolutely blown, cos even with that, before that,
11:15obviously they're going,
11:16it's not Hermes, it's the same...
11:19That blew my mind.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21Did anyone else not know that?
11:22I was like, I didn't know that.
11:23And then this has happened.
11:24I was like, this is too much!
11:25What else has changed?
11:27Well, Woolworths is gone, have you heard?
11:29You've noticed...
11:29LAUGHTER
11:32Will you hear what happened to marathons?
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37Yes, this show is recorded before the results of the Gorton and Denton
11:41by-election, as which you will know now, because you bought a
11:44newspaper in TG Jones.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:48Moving on.
11:49What major changes to UK drug laws might Green Party
11:52Zach Polanski be proposing?
11:53Oh, he wants to decriminalise...
11:56Decriminalise, yeah.
11:57A-list, A-list, A-class drugs?
12:00Yeah, not A-list.
12:00A-list drugs.
12:02Class A's?
12:03Class A's!
12:04That's what I'm looking for, class A's!
12:05Look at you pretending not to know what this is about.
12:07It's all come a bit too late for me, though, is this.
12:10I mean, this would have been exciting news, I think, in my 30s,
12:12but now, if I'm at a party, I'm the one chopping up the drugs
12:15using my National Trust membership card, so...
12:18And it's Iber Brufen, so...
12:21LAUGHTER
12:21It's one of these stories that, like, he said something about
12:23possibly decriminalisation or dealing with drugs in a different way,
12:25which somebody just jumped on in a...
12:27What?!
12:28You want to inject heroin into our children's eyeballs?!
12:30What are you doing?!
12:31Them and the Labour Party.
12:33I think it could save the High Street.
12:35LAUGHTER
12:36We've got a lot...
12:36The High Street is basically just vape shops now.
12:38Mm.
12:39So you make all drugs legal,
12:40then you could just have sort of ketamine emporiums
12:42and stuff like that everywhere.
12:43You know?
12:44TG Jones, the TG stands for the ganja.
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49You're really taking this new information and running with...
12:53It's going to be ages trying to think of that.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:55Are you Johnson for a fix?
12:57There we go.
12:58Is there any of my ad space on this show?
13:00With how many adverts we have?
13:02Yeah.
13:02They're up in the corporate hospitality box going,
13:05all of our spend went on...
13:07LAUGHTER
13:08It's better work out, you know?
13:09Now we call up WH Spliffs.
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14APPLAUSE
13:14I'll get to that right now.
13:15It's going to Zoe, Ed and Glenn.
13:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:20Join us after the break for more...
13:23..Mock the Week.
13:32Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
13:35In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
13:38this is a chance for a performance to complete,
13:39to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives,
13:42and I decide whose is the worst.
13:44Anyone care to start us off?
13:45I had to go to a gender reveal party the other day
13:47and they are tacky as hell and they make me sick.
13:50Like, physically, I got ill from one.
13:52My cousin's pregnant, she was having a gulp,
13:54so all the food at the gender reveal party was, like,
13:55pink on the inside.
13:57That chicken burger is the hardest I've ever shipped.
13:59LAUGHTER
14:00When you ask that, my parents had a gender reveal party for me,
14:03which was hurtful because I was 11 at the time.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:07We've gathered the evidence.
14:08And we feel 60-40.
14:12That's your point.
14:14OK, well, do you think that's bad?
14:15I was involved off and on with a topical comedy panel show
14:19on TV for many, many years,
14:21and then they suddenly introduced a round
14:23I still haven't got a handle on.
14:25LAUGHTER
14:28Pretty serious when that happens, you know what I mean?
14:30I used to go to a particular newsagent and then,
14:33well, they just changed their names.
14:35LAUGHTER
14:36You think that's bad?
14:38I've got an iPad that works on facial recognition
14:41that won't allow me in before 11.30 in the morning now.
14:45LAUGHTER
14:48That refuses, Dara.
14:50I have to lie on my back and let the face reveal the throat.
14:54LAUGHTER
14:54Is that why Andrew was leaning back in the car?
14:56You think he wants to use his child?
14:59LAUGHTER
14:59Let me into my phone.
15:01You think that's bad?
15:02I've been married so long that I actually booked myself
15:05a prostate exam for Valentine's Day
15:07just to feel something.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:11LAUGHTER
15:14Where did you live?
15:16Where did you live?
15:16Become this!
15:17LAUGHTER
15:17The gentle observations are at life!
15:20This!
15:21That was a cry for help!
15:22Doctor, you think that's bad?
15:25I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this way.
15:29You think that's bad?
15:31I went to a gym on the Rose, and not my gym,
15:34and their dumbbells only went up to 50 kilos.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39Tell me about it.
15:41LAUGHTER
15:42We've all had that struggle.
15:43Get a bit of a gym!
15:44What the hell is this?
15:44Why are you running here?
15:46A gym for ants!
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49You think that's bad?
15:50Last year, I got run over by a stretch limo
15:52for three-quarters of an hour.
15:56You think that's bad?
15:57One of my closest friends recently got arrested on his birthday.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:03Do you think that's bad?
16:04I don't actually know what my wife does for a living,
16:07and I feel it's too late to ask.
16:10LAUGHTER
16:11She's on OnlyFans.
16:12Yeah.
16:13You think that's bad?
16:14I'm going to win this now.
16:15OK.
16:16You think that's bad?
16:16My son is toilet trained.
16:18He has been for a long time.
16:19He doesn't have accidents.
16:20Sometimes he shits on the floor for fun.
16:22LAUGHTER
16:22What makes it fun?
16:23My reaction, OK?
16:24So, we spoke to a child psychologist.
16:26Apparently, when you want your child to stop doing something,
16:28you're supposed to not react when they do it.
16:31I'm not that good an actor.
16:32I don't think that Judi Dench could turn the other cheek
16:34when someone was shitting on her carpet.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:36So, when he does it, I scream, and I run towards it,
16:39and I pick it up as quickly as I can, you know,
16:41sometimes with my bare hands.
16:42No!
16:43Before you dare judge me, if I don't get it quickly,
16:46the dog eats it.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48But I'm here and do show business.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:51I think you win.
16:55APPLAUSE
16:57At the end of that round, before I introduce you,
16:59my name is Reince and Sarah!
17:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:04The next round is called
17:0524 Hours and Police Custody.
17:07He-he-he-he.
17:08LAUGHTER
17:11This game involves Glenn and Emmanuel.
17:13So, if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
17:16This round is a stand-up challenge.
17:17I launch the Wheel of News and whoever chooses to stop,
17:19one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
17:22The winner is whoever, I think, is the funniest.
17:24OK, here we go.
17:25Our first topic, please.
17:26Let's spin the wheel.
17:28The first topic is human behaviour.
17:30Yeah.
17:31Emmanuel.
17:33Human behaviour, I think, is a very interesting thing.
17:36Now, for me, I used to play a lot of rugby.
17:39Um, and now that I don't play rugby, I'm only realising now
17:43how what we would call normal behaviour as rugby players
17:47is apparently very different to what everyone else calls
17:50normal behaviour.
17:51We all know...
17:52Well, most people know the Guinness game.
17:53The Guinness game where you take your first swig
17:56and you try and split the G is the plan.
17:58Rugby players, we play them differently, I found out,
18:00when I was out with, er, some friends.
18:03I say friends, I'd just met the dude, but we're drinking Guinness,
18:06so it means we're brothers now.
18:08And he asked me to...
18:09He asked me to watch his drink.
18:11So I said yes.
18:12And he went to the toilet and the moment he left,
18:14I put my balls in his pint.
18:18Which, I think, is completely normal behaviour
18:21and I can see some of the reactions.
18:23There's some of you here that disagree.
18:27Shockingly, so did he.
18:29When he came back, he was furious.
18:31I was like, you asked me to, obviously not with many words,
18:34but you gave me a pint.
18:36I was like, who does that?
18:37And he was like, we're at a christening.
18:39And I thought...
18:43I love a prank prank.
18:44My issue is, I can't play pranks.
18:47Like, I shouldn't play pranks.
18:48I'm far too big to play pranks.
18:52Like, I can't jump out on anyone.
18:56It's not funny when I do it.
18:58Some of you will jump out on your friends,
19:00banter.
19:01I do it.
19:02It's GBH.
19:04But I like pranks.
19:06And famously, one that I got in...
19:07I say famously, it's why I'm not allowed at that school.
19:12My son's school, when he first started primary school,
19:14I missed the whole first month because I was way on the road.
19:19So I was gutted.
19:20I wanted to be there.
19:21And this was my first time doing the school collection,
19:23so I was excited.
19:25I was the only parent outside the school.
19:27I got there early.
19:28And one of the teachers came out, and quite rightly so.
19:30She'd never seen you before.
19:32She said,
19:32Afternoon.
19:33So which one of these lovely children are you here to take home with you today?
19:36And I couldn't help myself.
19:38I said,
19:38I don't know yet.
19:45You see, it's funny.
19:48The police didn't think so.
19:49It was weird.
19:51Thank you very much, Emmanuel.
19:56OK, that leads us with Glenn.
19:57Let's see what your topic is.
19:58Let's spin the wheel.
20:00The next one is motivation.
20:04I wasn't very motivated when I was growing up.
20:07I was quite an ungrateful kid.
20:08Even though I got to grow up in the 90s and noughties,
20:10I thought everything in the 90s was boring and predictable.
20:13I'd be like, well, music in the 90s is so predictable,
20:15and movies are so predictable, and TV is so predictable.
20:18Every Saturday night, you turn the TV and, oh, surprise, surprise,
20:21surprise, surprise.
20:24Even though I had a perfectly nice childhood,
20:25my parents were always very, very loving.
20:27They were always very supportive.
20:28Every time it was my birthday, they'd throw a big party.
20:30They'd always invite the local kids' entertainer.
20:32Typo the clown.
20:34We had fun.
20:37Maybe because I had quite an antisocial family,
20:39a very antisocial family when I was growing up.
20:40We never wanted guests or visitors.
20:42We used to hide the welcome mat under the spare key.
20:45Um, I...
20:46Or maybe we didn't want to see people
20:47because we lived in quite a bad area.
20:49I knew it was a shit area,
20:50and at least I knew it was a shit area.
20:51Some of you might live in a part of town.
20:52You can't make up your mind as to whether or not
20:54your area is nice or shit.
20:55I've worked out the best way to determine
20:56if your area is nice or shit.
20:58Have a think to yourself,
20:59if there was a zombie apocalypse tomorrow,
21:01how quickly would you realise?
21:05I just want to be living in Cotswolds.
21:07You'd look out your window one morning
21:08and be like,
21:08well, I can see a bin tipped on its side
21:09and I can hear a car alarm in the distance.
21:11Something's afoot.
21:13That's why I've been croyed
21:14and every single day of my life
21:15will be like,
21:15oh, a guy in a tattered suit just bit me an Aldi.
21:17We go again, we go again.
21:20Best way to work out of your area shit,
21:21go out to the middle of your road
21:22of a loudspeaker at two in the morning,
21:23say, come out with your hands up
21:24and see how many people do.
21:28I get jealous of people who are motivated,
21:30you know?
21:30You look at celebrities when they become world-class
21:32in, like, more than one job.
21:33You look at someone like Lady Gaga.
21:34You go, oh, my God,
21:35incredible world-class singer.
21:36Also, Oscar-nominated actor.
21:38How have it become world-class
21:39in two separate jobs?
21:40And there's no link between...
21:41I mean, sometimes you even look at a celebrity
21:43who becomes world-class
21:44in three separate jobs.
21:45There's no link between any of those.
21:46Julius Caesar, Roman Emperor,
21:48C-sections and salad dressing.
21:49What a weird...
21:51LAUGHTER
21:52Thank you very much.
21:54To end that round,
21:55the points go to...
21:56Martin Luther King.
21:57Come back.
21:58Thank you very much.
22:00Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
22:08APPLAUSE
22:12Our next round is called Picture of the Week.
22:15I should have had a topic image and asked to tell me what is happening.
22:18So, teams, what's going on here?
22:21He's just woken up.
22:22He thinks he's at an auction for Greenland.
22:24LAUGHTER
22:26This is Trump saying,
22:27Would you like to see my dickie?
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30Is he asking,
22:31Which one's the soup knife?
22:34LAUGHTER
22:36LAUGHTER
22:37Looks like he's trying to chat her up.
22:39He's going,
22:39You remind me of my wife
22:40and that you're sitting at a different table to me.
22:43LAUGHTER
22:44She's saying,
22:45One more question
22:46and I'm going to go and ask for Angela.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50Psst.
22:50Have you heard?
22:51They've changed the name to TG Jones.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:57APPLAUSE
23:00It just looks like she's saying to him,
23:02Honey, I cannot explain to you what a tariff is one more time.
23:07Looks like he's having a rare moment of introspection going,
23:09Hey, wait a minute.
23:10Do people...
23:11Do people...
23:12Am I a bad person?
23:15LAUGHTER
23:16Are you that little miss Redacted I keep reading about?
23:19LAUGHTER
23:21He's saying,
23:23I have shat myself but I think I got away with it.
23:27LAUGHTER
23:27And she's clearly going,
23:28No.
23:28No, you haven't.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31Do they have the correct answer?
23:33That is Trump.
23:34I think it's at the Governor's Dinner and that's his Chief of Staff,
23:37isn't it?
23:37I think so.
23:38Yes, absolutely.
23:38Thank you very much.
23:39Well done, Ed Byrne.
23:41APPLAUSE
23:44Yes, this is US President Donald Trump, who suffered a setback recently when the Supreme Court ruled that he had
23:49overstepped his authority by introducing a huge range of global tariffs without congressional approval last year.
23:54The ruling raises the possibility that the US government has to refund billions of dollars to businesses and consumers.
24:00How, and I presume it's been calmly and with some consideration, has Trump responded to this?
24:07Exactly as you said.
24:08Calmly and reason.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10That's weird because he's normally so reasonable about these things.
24:14I hope everything's all right at home.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17I do feel sorry for them because Trump is a toddler and he has a toddler's psychology and they keep
24:22trying to deal with him like he's an adult.
24:23So I've got a two-year-old in my house and he wants to get inside the dishwasher.
24:27And you can't tell him he's not allowed in the dishwasher.
24:29That just makes him want it more, like Trump with the tariffs.
24:32You can't try and talk to him about consequences.
24:34There's knives in there, you'll hurt yourself, you might break it so no-one has clean plates.
24:37They don't care about consequences.
24:38You have to do distraction.
24:40The Supreme Court needs to get a little jar of jelly beans.
24:42They need to find a neighbour with a puppy or a kitten.
24:45It's never too early in the year to start talking about Father Christmas.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49All this happened is I'm now just picturing Trump shitting on your carpet.
24:54LAUGHTER
24:54Then my plan has one.
24:57It's really confusing and damaging for British business.
25:00What we want is stability.
25:01What would be great?
25:03It would be great if we just...
25:04I don't know if we had a trade envoy who...
25:07LAUGHTER
25:09Who maybe shared similar interests with Trump.
25:13But he is, he's doing this.
25:14The whole point of this is supposedly to support American businesses.
25:16So we need to retaliate by supporting British businesses.
25:19The most successful British business at the moment is OnlyFans.
25:22What I've been doing is an act of patriotism.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28That hand isn't available.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33It feels like someone else is saluting.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:45We all know what this is all about.
25:47This is all just to distract from the Gorton and Denton by-election.
25:50LAUGHTER
25:52Moving on, why are female tortoises on a Macedonian island
25:55hurling themselves off cliffs?
25:56Well, I'm glad you asked it.
25:58LAUGHTER
25:59At last!
25:59Isn't that not the most contrived question?
26:02Why are female tortoises on a Macedonian island
26:05hurling themselves off cliffs?
26:06Do you know...
26:07Because the Mad Libs that were on your fridge?
26:09Because...
26:10Do you know what the funny thing is?
26:11I have no idea, didn't read this one.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15You can all talk among yourselves.
26:17And I take out some glasses and read,
26:19what the fuck is happening in Macedonia?
26:21LAUGHTER
26:21I'm sorry, but...
26:22It's because of the men tortoises.
26:24They would rather be dead at the bottom of a cliff
26:26than spend any more time being a heterosexual woman tortoise.
26:31The male tortoises have started biting their genitals
26:34to instigate mating and they're like,
26:36I'm out of here.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38That's the true story, right?
26:39I think it's...
26:42This is not just the news.
26:43The lady tortoises are trying to avoid the in-shells.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:50LAUGHTER
26:53And at the end of that round,
26:56the point for Zoe Eddingler!
26:58APPLAUSE
27:02The next round is called Between the Lines.
27:04It features Ed and Rhys.
27:06Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
27:08Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure
27:10on the world stage, while Ed would translate what they really mean.
27:13This week, Rhys is Keir Starmer.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18Finally, someone cool.
27:20LAUGHTER
27:22Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Prime Minister for almost two years now.
27:27Thought I'd better let you know in case you were wondering who I am.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:30I will carry on as Prime Minister as long as the people want me.
27:35Bye.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:37There isn't a shred of evidence I knew what Peter Mandelson was up to.
27:42There are actually lots of shreds of evidence in the bottom of my shredding machine.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:47I can promise you there will be no more U-turns.
27:50Terms and conditions apply.
27:51At our sole discretion, the Labour Party reserves the right to backtrack on the promise without prior notice,
27:55at a time convenient to us, and then pretend it was what we were going to do all along.
27:58LAUGHTER
27:58A recent poll shows my popularity is growing.
28:02People prefer me to Prince Andrew and Hugh Edwards.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:08People have criticised me for my views of the transgender issue.
28:12And when I say people, I mean they. No, sorry, she? Do I? Oh, God.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:19The last Conservative government almost destroyed the country.
28:22Time to finish the job.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25Labour has got to learn lessons and say the things our traditional voters want to hear.
28:30There you go, pay back, go and check, whip it and get this and down.
28:33You're not there, Jimmy Ross, tell you!
28:36LAUGHTER
28:38LAUGHTER
28:39We...
28:40LAUGHTER
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44LAUGHTER
28:44Ahem. Don't know where that was from.
28:47LAUGHTER
28:48If there are those who wish to challenge me, I am up for the fight.
28:51You want to do this shit? You want to do this? Be my fucking guest.
28:54I will straight up cut a bitch!
28:57LAUGHTER
28:57LAUGHTER
28:57That was the one reason out. Thank you very much.
29:05So, everyone, what's going on here?
29:07LAUGHTER
29:08I imagine...
29:09Keir Starmer losing another seat.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12Imagine Keir Starmer is going, I thought Wales would be bigger than this.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:15Keir Starmer has misunderstood and thought the important issue was trans rights.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:22I think he's thinking, can I derail this too?
29:26LAUGHTER
29:26Has he just put them in the one mode of transport you can't do a U-turn in?
29:32LAUGHTER
29:32By the way, sorry, since when does a train just say the country?
29:37How bad trains have gone?
29:39They just go, ah, where are we going? Wales, when?
29:42Some time this week, whatever.
29:45That's him going, see it, say it, oh, he's fucked it.
29:51Starmer's bored the cameraman so much, he's had to throw himself onto the tracks.
29:56LAUGHTER
29:56Just out of shot is Wes Streeting, or a Prime Minister replacement service.
30:01LAUGHTER
30:02Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
30:05It is Wes Streeting.
30:06It is Wes Streeting, yes.
30:07Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of...
30:09You do that thing where you behave like you've already got the job that you want
30:14and hope people don't notice.
30:15But, at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah Rees.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19People started clapping, that's how good you were.
30:23I love you.
30:24Glenn, press the buzzer, I dare you.
30:25Yeah!
30:27Oh, ho, ho!
30:30Oh, hello.
30:31I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's gun.
30:37The thing is, you've angered him and he's going to take it out on me later.
30:41I can't believe I've been part of a coup.
30:44It is distracting at work, isn't it?
30:46It is, yeah.
30:47When someone wants your job.
30:48Yes!
30:49I know!
30:50God!
30:50I have an insight into Chris Starmer's world now.
30:53Glenn's even rolled up his sleeves like he's a politician.
30:57He's ready to start the job.
30:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
30:58Yeah.
30:59Enough of this.
31:02Don't book Glenn again.
31:06Anyone else on Wes Streeting?
31:08Or are we just going to leave it at this awkward power vacuum situation?
31:12I think, look, when someone says they're finding someone distracting at work,
31:17that does usually mean they have a crush on them.
31:19Who's got a crush on who in this situation?
31:20No, no, I'm talking about the Prime Minister again.
31:22Oh, sorry, OK.
31:24Well, you really sounded like you had your hopes up there for a second, Darren.
31:28If this is legit...
31:29Who's this crush you're talking about, Darren?
31:34Jeez, I wish I had hair.
31:37Hey!
31:39Leave his hair alone!
31:43A lot of tension around the table today.
31:45LAUGHTER
31:47OK.
31:48At the end of that round, the winners are...
31:50Is that right?
31:50Oh, I think the winners are over here.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53The winners are Emanuel Rees and Sarah!
31:56APPLAUSE
32:01Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
32:08APPLAUSE
32:12The next round is called Audience Question Time.
32:14We throw ourselves open to the studio audience
32:16and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
32:18First up, Jason.
32:19Is Jason here?
32:20How are you, Jason? Are you well?
32:21I'm well...
32:22Oh, Jason's the first serious person to stand up.
32:24You don't have to do it.
32:25We'll bring the mic to you.
32:26I'm going to stand up, yeah.
32:26I love it, Jason.
32:28There's massive respect there, Jason.
32:29Thank you very much.
32:30Jason, what question do you have for us?
32:31I'd like to ask, what advice would you give someone
32:34that has just arrived in this country?
32:37Oh.
32:37Sack your travel agent.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:42I probably just make stuff up.
32:44I tell them, see all those flags on the lampposts,
32:47they're just to mark the ones that need to be repaired.
32:51There's actually a Nando's hack that if you want to get yourself
32:56a butterfly chicken, don't order the butterfly chicken
33:00because that's £16.50,
33:02get two kids' meals, which is £13 total,
33:05but you get the same amount of food,
33:08but you're saving £3.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:14Look at everyone going,
33:16oh, finally Nando's is cheeky again.
33:19Now we're going for it.
33:20But I just want to know how the staff react when you arrive,
33:23order two kids' meals without children with you.
33:25It's amazing that Glenn's going for your job
33:26and Emmanuel's going for Martin Lewis' job.
33:29LAUGHTER
33:30It's the way that I order it when I'm in there.
33:32It's like, I'll have two kids' meals, please.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:38You'll never spot my plan!
33:40LAUGHTER
33:42Any other advice for people who'd been driving in?
33:43Get on a train and play my favourite game,
33:46lake or flooded field.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:50So it's just a good bit if you've made your way of struggling through all the things that go,
33:54but now we are here, we can play Laker Flooded Field, finally.
33:58He didn't say what he'd say to somebody who's come here as an asylum seeker.
34:02A visitor to the country. It's a fun thing to do.
34:05Oh, OK. I took it as being a... Look, I just took it as being a...
34:08Yeah, that's because you're obsessed with him, Derry, you right-wing dick.
34:13He's the classic legitimate immigrant.
34:17Pull the ladder up.
34:18Eh?
34:20I let you in.
34:22I was here, Bart!
34:24Yeah, you were, you were, yeah.
34:25I'll clap it over you while you're on the ladder.
34:28I would say, if you have just arrived into the country,
34:30people refer to a shop called W.H. Smiths.
34:33It's just...
34:35It's gone. It's gone.
34:37But for DG Jones, for all your stationary needs.
34:42OK, thank you very much, Jason. Thank you. Very good.
34:46APPLAUSE
34:46Is there an Anita by any chance?
34:48Hi, Anita, how are you? Hi, nice to see you.
34:51What question do you have for the panel?
34:53Do you have any dating tips?
34:55I'll take this.
34:57LAUGHTER
34:57A burner phone. That's my first piece of advice.
35:01And hide it under the floor with a loose floorboard
35:03and put it on silent.
35:04Jesus.
35:05I've got a good dating tip.
35:07If you go to Nando's, you can get two kids' burners.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:11Save money.
35:12If you've got nothing else to do on Valentine's Day,
35:14I know where you can feel something.
35:16LAUGHTER
35:17I'd wait until after the starter before suggesting a threesome.
35:22LAUGHTER
35:23I'll give you the advice that my mum gave me when I was 20,
35:26which is be very careful who you get pregnant by,
35:28cos you'll have to see him every two weeks for the rest of your life.
35:32LAUGHTER
35:33Absolutely watch your behaviour,
35:35because it's the slightest thing.
35:36Somebody will just decide, no, no chance.
35:39A friend of my wife's was once on a date with a guy
35:42and she decided, absolutely not, because he licked his knife.
35:47Whilst they were having dinner, he licked his knife
35:49and she went, boom, that's it.
35:50And I just thought that was such a minor thing,
35:52but she said, well, if he's like that on a date,
35:54imagine what he's like at home.
35:57LAUGHTER
35:57Is he going to come home and he's going to have his balls
36:00in the cutlery drawer?
36:02LAUGHTER
36:03Also, did she actually do the mime?
36:05Cos when you say licked someone's knife,
36:06you're doing it like he's just licking off some gravy,
36:09but what if he was like...
36:10LAUGHTER
36:12Looking at her right in the eye.
36:14And it wasn't like it was a knife that he had
36:16in a special letter.
36:19Thank you very much.
36:23Thank you very much.
36:27Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
36:31So if everyone can make their way over to the performance area,
36:33I'll read out this week's topics
36:34and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
36:36OK, here we go.
36:38The first subject is...
36:40Strange flyers will get through your door.
36:43Come work for us at IKEA.
36:46Even if you get a rejection,
36:47it's always good to get your foot in the flog and schtlau.
36:50LAUGHTER
36:53Problem with rodents?
36:55So have we.
36:56That's why our pizzas are just £9.99.
36:59LAUGHTER
37:01Man with van can get rid of your gran.
37:06LAUGHTER
37:08Do you want to learn to sound like you're ending a news report?
37:12Well, with your help, we could make sites like this
37:14a thing of the past.
37:17LAUGHTER
37:20Do you need your locks fixing?
37:21Well, you found this flyer on your bedside table,
37:24so I'm going to say yes.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:29Problem with pests?
37:31Imagine how the royal family feel.
37:34LAUGHTER
37:35Do you need flyers printing?
37:37Me too!
37:38That's why I'm screaming outside your house!
37:40LAUGHTER
37:42Enjoy this money-off coupon for Nando's.
37:44Just tell them your two children.
37:47LAUGHTER
37:49Mini Mike and his tiny hands.
37:51No job too small.
37:53LAUGHTER
37:58Do you need a psychic?
37:59No?
38:00God, I'm bad at this.
38:02LAUGHTER
38:04This is not junk mail.
38:06Although, technically, I am a male, and it is my junk.
38:09LAUGHTER
38:13The Amdram Society presents a plumber trying to fix a broken toilet
38:16in Harper Lee's to swill a blocking turd.
38:20LAUGHTER
38:22APPLAUSE
38:25Three holidays away.
38:27All I have to do is vote reform.
38:30LAUGHTER
38:32LAUGHTER
38:37Do you sing out of tune?
38:39Oh, shut the fuck up, then.
38:42LAUGHTER
38:44Quickly, look to your left.
38:45Suddenly need an osteopath?
38:47Call 0800...
38:49LAUGHTER
38:52Each night, the bombing intensifies.
38:55That's right, Rhys James is back on tour.
38:59LAUGHTER
39:01Need a comedian for an event, but find Miles Jupp a bit too funny?
39:05Try Glenn Moore.
39:08APPLAUSE
39:12Yeah, fuck Glenn.
39:15LAUGHTER
39:19After you've read this, please stick it to your fridge, or the child who made it will have died for
39:23nothing.
39:25LAUGHTER
39:27Our survey has discovered that 90% of residents in this area don't know that W.H. Smith's has changed
39:33its name.
39:34LAUGHTER
39:37I've been watching you masturbate through your letterbox.
39:41Please stop masturbating through your letterbox.
39:45LAUGHTER
39:45LAUGHTER
39:47Lost, blow-up doll, maximum wear and tear, dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.
39:52If found, please return to Glenn Moore.
39:55LAUGHTER
39:58APPLAUSE
40:01Local Tex-Mex burger joint, Lone Star.
40:04That's not our name, that's our hygiene rating.
40:08LAUGHTER
40:11The lady's not for turning.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:16Please don't send me back.
40:19LAUGHTER
40:25Why not join us on the 3rd of May for your local Women's Institute gathering?
40:29There'll be raffles, cakes and Margaret's famous slut drops.
40:33LAUGHTER
40:37Come and spend the day where?
40:40Oh, Diggerland.
40:43LAUGHTER
40:47Filthy curtains, dirty floors, untidy back garden.
40:51Short your life out, you filthy fuck.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:54The next topic is unlikely lines from a children's book.
41:00So, you're telling me you kissed a sleeping woman without her consent?
41:04We're going to have to strip you of your title of Prince.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:10By David Walliams.
41:12LAUGHTER
41:16It was a blustery day in the 100-acre wood.
41:19Pooh trudged along the path.
41:20Hello, Owl.
41:22He said to Owl.
41:23Get a shirt that covers your dick, said Owl.
41:27LAUGHTER
41:30APPLAUSE
41:33And then Dumbo said,
41:35Do you want to see my elephant impression?
41:44And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow all of you, said Bonnie Blue.
41:50LAUGHTER
41:53Who's been sleeping in my bed, said the cuckold bear.
41:57LAUGHTER
42:00Someone's been eating my porridge, said Mummy Bear.
42:02Someone's been eating my porridge, said Baby Bear.
42:05Someone's been drinking my piss, said Bear Grylls.
42:09LAUGHTER
42:13Someone's been sitting in my chair, said Hugh, while he was watching this show.
42:21And Rapunzel's hair continued to grow until it was long enough to reach all the way from the top of
42:26the castle down to the floor outside.
42:28As the wait continued for Man United to win five games in a row.
42:36And why am I called after Paddington Station, said the bear?
42:39Well, I've got a lot of people into reading.
42:42No, Reading. It's Reading.
42:44LAUGHTER
42:46As he unzipped his trousers, the giant yelled,
42:49Fee-fi-fo-fum, you won't believe how much I cum.
43:05To say that, it is unlikely.
43:08LAUGHTER
43:09It's unlikely. It is unlikely.
43:13Don't worry, Piglet, said Pooh, Eeyore's just having a bath and we should...
43:17Where's our toaster?
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21My, my, Grandma, what big tits you have.
43:26LAUGHTER
43:31Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your weave.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:37I think Alice has fallen down a rabbit hole.
43:40She keeps doing weird tweets about how 5G gives you eczema.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:46And when Alice awoke, thinking of all of the crazy things that had happened and the strange people that she'd
43:52met, she thought,
43:53I'll never take ketamine ever again.
43:56LAUGHTER
43:56LAUGHTER
43:58No, Gollum, I won't stick me finger in your ring.
44:02LAUGHTER
44:05Wow, said Charlie, a chocolate river. He couldn't believe he was at the Thames facility.
44:11LAUGHTER
44:13What big teeth you've got, Nana? I've just come back from Turkey, love.
44:18LAUGHTER
44:19LAUGHTER
44:21And if we leave a trail of breadcrumbs, we can find our way back, said Hansel.
44:25How dare you waste food when the world is burning, said Greta.
44:29LAUGHTER
44:31LAUGHTER
44:33Professor Snape is off 6, so Professor Freud will be filling him.
44:37Feeling him, fucking him, sucking his breath.
44:39LAUGHTER
44:41At the end of that round, the points go to Zoe, Ed and Greg!
44:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:47That's the end of the show. This week's winners are...
44:51Sarah Pascoe, Reece James and Amano Simubi.
44:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:55Commiserations are Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn Moore.
44:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:00Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.
45:05What we are all about, the things that happen to wrap the world, the world is good.
45:11Don't believe that everything should be seen out there.
45:17Read all the night. Read all the night.
45:23This is the world, this is the world.
45:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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