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00:23I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
02:29Has it ever occurred to you that you might be going around the twist talking to peace?
02:33It wasn't me.
02:34It was the chip, you see.
02:35It's a ventriloquist.
02:37Okay, now, you little chippy-poos, you go into the little bin there.
02:40I don't like going into it.
02:41I know you don't like going into it.
02:42Get in there.
02:45It's dark in it.
02:46I know it's dark in it.
02:48You're a good act, but you go on too long.
02:50Listen, do you fancy a bit of ten past elevensies?
02:52Oh, I'd love a cup of coffee and a biscuit, providing it's not a friend of yours.
02:55Okay.
02:57One cup of coffee.
02:58And a biscuit.
02:58Yes, and a biscuit.
03:02Chocolate biscuit.
03:03Yes, a chocolate biscuit.
03:05A little silver paper.
03:06Yes, yes, right around with silver paper.
03:07Oh, it's a...
03:11Has it ever occurred to you I might be going around the twist?
03:13No.
03:14Many times.
03:15Hmm.
03:16Fancy a cup of coffee?
03:17Are you addressing me or the pedal bin?
03:20Well, actually, you, see, because the coffee keeps the pedal bin awake, you see.
03:33Thank you, no.
03:34No coffee for me.
03:35I'm really rather busy with your cuts.
03:37You know, you'll burn yourself out by the time you're 90.
03:40And particularly with yesterday's takings, which appear to be seven pounds short.
03:45Well, you must have probably made a mistake.
03:48Young man, you're speaking to the Paderewski of the electronic calculator.
03:51We are seven pounds short.
03:53Ah, it'll sort itself out.
03:55It'll sort itself out?
03:57Where would the country be if the Chancellor of the Exchequer took that attitude?
04:00Exactly where we are today.
04:03But where is it?
04:04That's what I'd like to know.
04:06Are you up the river without a...
04:08No, no, no, no, no.
04:08It's seven pounds of the country.
04:10Oh, well, I don't know.
04:11I didn't take it.
04:12If it was me, I'd have put a Naomi in the till.
04:14Ah, ah.
04:16Victoria?
04:16Yeah?
04:17I seem to have lost seven pounds.
04:19And it suits you.
04:22Seven pounds sterling.
04:23You don't happen to have borrowed it from the till, do you?
04:26No.
04:28So, Victoria hasn't taken it, and you haven't taken it, so that leaves us with one conclusion.
04:34You took it.
04:35I did not.
04:37Look, money does not just evaporate.
04:40Oh, doesn't it?
04:40You tried shopping for a dress lately?
04:43Well, no.
04:44Exactly.
04:45Oh, thanks.
04:46I'll take it upstairs with me.
04:47Look, all I'm saying is that someone has taken that money from the till, and almost certainly
04:53with his right hand.
04:55Albert?
04:56Ah, you agree, then.
04:57Now, shall I phone the police, or will you?
04:58Wait a minute.
04:59How do you know he did it?
05:00Now, look here.
05:00This is not the first time that a pound or two has gone missing.
05:03I tell you, riddle is on the fiddle.
05:06But where's your proof?
05:08Item one.
05:09The accused has a prison record.
05:11Yes, but we don't know what for, do we?
05:12It could be for anything.
05:13Uh, molesting a duck on a double yellow line.
05:16I mean, anyway.
05:17Item two.
05:18His eyes are too close together.
05:20Well, they'd need to be if he was molesting a duck.
05:23Look, you're not taking this seriously.
05:25Now, either we call the police, or we take matters into our own hands.
05:28Oh, I see.
05:28It's lynch law now, is it?
05:30I simply sack him.
05:31Listen, don't I have any say.
05:33I mean, after all, I do own half of this restaurant.
05:35Yeah, well, then I'll sack my half of him, and provided he doesn't bring that half with him,
05:38he's welcome to stay.
05:40Don't you think we should hear what he has to say?
05:42I know what he'll have to say.
05:44I didn't do it.
05:45All guilty people say that.
05:47What do innocent people say?
05:49You know, this wishy-washy liberalism of yours can only lead to anarchy.
05:54Mr. Tripp, sir, are you there, Mr. Tripp?
05:59Right.
06:00Leave this to me.
06:04Ah, good morning, sir.
06:08Would you believe it?
06:09I got a telling off just for sticking one of these over a policeman's face.
06:14Yes, well, they get a bit touchy over little things like that, Albert.
06:18Riddle, some money has been taken from the till.
06:21I didn't do it.
06:22Ah, I think that proves my point.
06:23What did you expect?
06:24Yes, sir.
06:25Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
06:27Riddle, why did you spend three months in Brixton Prison?
06:32Well, they had these bars on the windows, sir.
06:39I meant, what were you convicted of?
06:43Was it anything to do with ducks by any time?
06:46Will you please let him answer for himself?
06:47Go on, Riddle.
06:49Well, I, um...
06:52It was a Saturday night, sir, and I'd had a few jars,
06:56and they caught me putting money into a parking meter.
07:01Backwards.
07:03You were taking it up?
07:04Yeah, that's how the magistrates are, yes.
07:08But I've been going straight ever since.
07:10Yeah, straight to our till.
07:11Oh, no, sir, no.
07:13Albert, three months for a first offence.
07:15Ah, well, the magistrate was a mean-minded old idiot, sir.
07:19Although it may have been an error of judgment on my part to tell him so.
07:25Well, I cannot have dishonesty in my employees.
07:27You will have to go.
07:29Ah, but I...
07:30You're fired.
07:31Now, please don't let's have any argument about this.
07:32We don't want to bring the police in, do we?
07:33Ah, Mr. Tripp, sir.
07:35Now, come on, come on.
07:35Leave this to me.
07:36Please collect your things and go.
07:39Well, I've only got me apron and me rubber glove.
07:43And please collect them and get out.
07:46Very well, sir.
07:48I won't stay where I'm not wanted.
07:56Anyway, see, that's the way to do it.
07:58One doesn't have to be hard.
08:06I still think it was a bit harsh of your father.
08:09What do you mean?
08:10You've given him the sack twice a week for the past year?
08:15Yes, I know, but he never believed me.
08:17Where do you think he'll go?
08:18I mean, what skills has he got?
08:20Not a lot.
08:20There's not great vacancies for plate smashers.
08:24Well, I still don't think it was like Albert to take money from the till.
08:28Break the till, yes, but...
08:30It wasn't me, it wasn't you.
08:32Certainly it wasn't your father, otherwise he'd nicked the lot.
08:35He hasn't even got a reference.
08:37Oh, yes, he has.
08:38Your father wrote one out for him after I twisted his arm.
08:42To whom it may concern.
08:44Albert Riddle has worked for me for one year.
08:47He is now leaving.
08:49I am thoroughly satisfied.
08:52And he's left it behind.
08:53Do you blame him?
08:55I'll get it.
08:59OK, OK, OK.
09:02Detective Sergeant Burke, sir, Fulham CRD.
09:05Afternoon.
09:06Afternoon, sir.
09:07Are you familiar with the phrase,
09:10Bill stickers will be prosecuted?
09:12Oh, yes, it's an old joke, isn't it?
09:14I used to write underneath,
09:15If they can catch him.
09:20I mean, when I was younger, you know,
09:22I didn't know any better.
09:24But I'm much older,
09:25and I know a lot better now,
09:27and I wouldn't know.
09:28Just as well, sir,
09:30Interpol has enough on its plate.
09:31Can you tell me anything about this?
09:33Yes, sit down.
09:36Well, we're fully licensed,
09:37and we do an excellent plan de jour,
09:39which is Cock-a-Van,
09:41Serti-Potatoes,
09:41Carrot's Cock-a-Van.
09:43Can you tell me why it was pasted
09:45onto the windscreen of my police car?
09:48Oh, yes.
09:49Well, sorry.
09:49Yes, that would be Albert.
09:50He works here.
09:51Where is he?
09:52I don't know.
09:53He doesn't work here.
09:55Er, he did, but he's gone.
09:57Er, er, but I'm not lying
09:59about him working here.
10:00I see.
10:01I suppose you realise
10:02you could be fined
10:03for spoiling the environment.
10:05In Fulham?
10:09Yes, I know.
10:10It's ridiculous, isn't it?
10:11But it's the law.
10:13Your posters have been plastered
10:15on walls, doors, windows,
10:18and in one case,
10:19a lollipop man's lollipop.
10:22I'm very sorry.
10:23I'm afraid he must have got carried away.
10:25Exactly, miss.
10:26And in my opinion,
10:27it's pointless anyway.
10:28This sort of advertising
10:29will never bring in custom.
10:30People don't bother to read them.
10:32Yes, you're probably right.
10:33Of course I am.
10:35French cuisine, eh?
10:38Reasonable prices.
10:39Can I book a table
10:40for two tomorrow night?
10:41Certainly.
10:43About eight o'clock?
10:44Yes, fine.
10:46I do curb the enthusiasm
10:47of your bill stickers, sir.
10:50If they can catch him.
10:57Poor old Albert.
10:58He's getting it from both sides.
11:00Robin, how much float
11:01did you put in this morning?
11:02The usual.
11:03Ten quid.
11:03I only make it nine.
11:05Unless one's slipped down
11:06behind the drawer.
11:06It did happen once before.
11:08How do you mean?
11:08Well, the back's a bit loose.
11:12Oh, Robin.
11:14Oh, boy.
11:34And when we pulled the drawer out,
11:36it was all there.
11:36Twelve pubs.
11:37And that's the amount
11:38you reckon we've lost
11:39in the last couple of weeks.
11:40Uh-huh.
11:45So you sat riddle
11:46for nothing, then?
11:49Why did you did?
11:51Well, we did.
11:52Oh, what's it matter who did?
11:53What's did is did.
11:55Done.
11:56Well, anyway.
11:58So he didn't take the money.
11:59Yet.
12:00But, I mean,
12:00it was only a matter of time.
12:01I saved him from temptation.
12:03You're all heart, aren't you?
12:05Well, I think the least you can do
12:07is to apologise to him
12:08and offer him his job back.
12:09Donnie, how can I possibly do that?
12:11It would make it seem
12:12that I was in the wrong.
12:13You were in the wrong.
12:15Don't split hairs with me, young man.
12:17Well, at least you could go
12:19round to his place
12:19and tell him that
12:21we don't know where he lives.
12:22Oh, problem solved.
12:24Now, then,
12:25I've been looking at tonight's menu.
12:27And in my opinion...
12:28Wait a minute.
12:28He did mention a coffee store.
12:30He has breakfast down by the canal.
12:32In my opinion...
12:33Oh, yes.
12:33They might know where he lives.
12:34In my opinion...
12:36Of course, he could sue you
12:37for wrongful dismissal.
12:39I'm slander.
12:41In my opinion,
12:41we should find this coffee store.
12:44What's it called?
12:59I mean,
13:01you can go to the Ritz,
13:02you can go to the Savoy,
13:03you can pay three and four times
13:05the price for a cup of tea.
13:06But will it taste the same?
13:08Answer me that.
13:09I'll tell you.
13:10No, it does not.
13:11And then there's sausage sandwiches.
13:13Ten times the price
13:14and one is thinner.
13:16Oh.
13:18Hello.
13:19What have we got here, then?
13:22This is a bit of a rough area, you know.
13:24Oh, I dare say.
13:25But they'll recognise an officer and a gentleman
13:27when they see one.
13:28Yes, that's what I'm afraid of.
13:31But there's a trusting sort of a soul.
13:33Walking away from his motor car
13:34and leaving the tyres on.
13:38Morning.
13:39Good morning, uh...
13:41Fred.
13:41Arthur.
13:44I beg your pardon.
13:45Arthur.
13:46Fred's the name of the band.
13:50Oh, yes, yes, I see.
13:51Yes, very good.
13:52Now, could we have two mugs of tea, please?
13:55Coming up.
13:55I wonder if you will have some help.
13:57We're trying to trace someone
13:58by the name of Albert Riddle.
13:59What?
14:01An Irishman?
14:02With one arm?
14:03Yes, that's the fellow.
14:04Never heard of him.
14:07Now, look here, my good man.
14:09He is, in fact, a friend of mine.
14:11Oh, well, why don't you ask him, then, Governor?
14:13He's a friend of his.
14:14No, what I mean is...
14:18He used to work for me.
14:19Oh, so you're him.
14:21You're him what gave him the sack
14:22from that job as assistant manager.
14:25Assistant manager?
14:27Yes, in this restaurant.
14:28He did by washing up.
14:30Well, all the same, wash.
14:32I mean, that job made a lot to Albert, didn't it?
14:33That's right, right.
14:34I mean, when he come out of the nick,
14:36it gave him his pride back, didn't it?
14:38Oh, surely not.
14:39Well, he was here.
14:40Yes, he was here this morning,
14:42but I've never seen such a change in a man.
14:44How do you mean?
14:45Well, the spark had gone.
14:47You see, I reckon that job was all he lived for.
14:51Do you know he left half his cup of tea this morning?
14:53Oh, but I'm sure...
14:58Did he?
14:59Yeah.
15:00Listen, have you got any idea where we might find him?
15:03Oh, not really.
15:04He went in that direction, towards the canal.
15:12Table five would like to try your profiteroles.
15:15Okay, right, fine.
15:16Robin?
15:17Hmm?
15:18You don't think he's likely to do anything foolish, do you?
15:20Well, the worst he could do is throw him over the other customers, isn't he?
15:24You know who I mean.
15:25Oh, well, yeah.
15:27Well, I suppose he's a little bit upset.
15:29I mean, he would be, wouldn't he, you know, after losing his job,
15:32especially for something he didn't really sort of do.
15:33But I don't think he'd do anything sort of...
15:36You didn't see any sign of him this morning?
15:38No, no, no.
15:39He's most probably hanging...
15:40Oh, sorry.
15:41He's hanging about somewhere, you know.
15:43But, you know, people who say they're going to commit suicide,
15:46they never usually do.
15:47But he didn't say he was going to, did he?
15:49No, that's true.
15:51So do you think he might?
15:52How do you mean?
15:53Well, do you think he might do something, you know, foolish?
15:55Well, that's what I asked you.
15:56What did I say?
15:57No.
15:57Oh, thank good for that.
16:00Even so, I'm a little bit worried about him.
16:02I think we ought to find him.
16:03Look, I'll tell you what, if it makes you feel any better,
16:05I'll ring up the police, all right?
16:06Oh, you don't need to.
16:07There's one out there.
16:08Table five.
16:08Right.
16:12That's the worst thing about police work, Doris.
16:15The fact that a husband doesn't get to be with his wife
16:17as much as he should be.
16:19That's very true, Arnold.
16:20I mean, I should be with mine right now.
16:28But I'd rather be with you.
16:30I know.
16:31These stolen moments before we go on duty
16:35have come to mean a great deal to me, Doris.
16:37And the stolen moments after we come off duty.
16:41Then even more so.
16:43Excuse me.
16:45Especially last Tuesday.
16:49I don't think I've ever...
16:51Excuse me.
16:52What?
16:53Profiteroles.
16:54Oh, yes.
17:07I was wondering if I could possibly have a quick word with you
17:10before you get into sort of deep conversation with your wife.
17:13She's in Shepard's Bush.
17:14Sorry?
17:18Oh.
17:19Oh, I see.
17:20Oh, sorry.
17:21Sorry.
17:22Is it WPC Dobbs?
17:24A colleague and nothing more.
17:26Of course it is.
17:27You know, whatever you say.
17:31You know, I know you're probably off duty,
17:33but I suppose a policeman's job, you're never really off duty.
17:35Yes, they are.
17:36I'm off duty.
17:37Sorry.
17:38This won't take long.
17:39And then you can get back to Miss Dobbs.
17:42Or is it...
17:42Is it...
17:43Is it Mrs Dobbs?
17:44I don't know.
17:45WPC.
17:45Yes.
17:46Well, it's none of my business, really, is it?
17:47No.
17:47Now, listen.
17:50Do you know an Albert Riddle?
17:53Male, Caucasian, five foot ten, monodexter,
17:56mastermind behind the infamous parking meter cape on it.
17:59That's me.
18:00Now, listen.
18:01Now, I'm sorry to interrupt you while you're eating.
18:03I'm not eating.
18:04I can't get my fork on it.
18:05I'm sorry.
18:06Fine.
18:07Lovely profita rolls.
18:13Now, the point is, you see,
18:15he's gone missing.
18:17And I was wondering if you could possibly put out an APB on him.
18:21I don't know what it means, but that's what it's like.
18:25Yes, well, I'm Maurya Dixon of Doc Green.
18:29You're not so violent, are you?
18:30Not normally, no.
18:31No, no, no.
18:32Now, the point is, you see,
18:33this money has gone missing.
18:35Then there was Albert.
18:36Just a moment.
18:38Money missing.
18:38Albert, Albert missing.
18:40Oh.
18:41Have you got a pencil, Doris?
18:43Er, Dobbs.
18:46Yes, so, anyway,
18:47we went to this coffee...
18:48Sorry, we proceeded.
18:49We proceeded,
18:50in the course of our investigations,
18:53to the coffee store.
18:54Oh, here you are.
18:57Er, no.
18:58No.
18:58I want to write with it,
18:59not do my eyebrows.
19:01Sorry.
19:02So, he wasn't at the coffee store,
19:04he wasn't anywhere else we would look,
19:05Robin, excuse me,
19:07your cheese souffle is looking a bit nervous.
19:08What?
19:09Oh, yes.
19:10I'll see what I can do soon.
19:11Right, thank you.
19:12If I could have my bill, miss.
19:13Yes, of course.
19:16There are eight million stories
19:17in the naked city, Doris.
19:19Why do I have to get stuck with this one?
19:36The trouble with the public,
19:38they don't know what they're asking.
19:39It's all very well for Starsky and Hutch.
19:41They don't get spots on their back from worrying.
19:44I'll see you in the canteen first break, all right?
19:47I know, Doris.
19:48Um, very well, WPC Dobbs.
19:51I'll look into that report.
19:53Thank you, sir.
19:55Evening.
19:56Put out an APB on this character, will you?
20:03Do what?
20:04Don't show your ignorance, Burke.
20:08Ask the lads to keep half an eye out for him.
20:12Albert Riddle.
20:13That's right.
20:14Evening, Mr Burke.
20:15Evening.
20:17Though how anyone can be expected.
20:23You know something, it's all your dad's fault.
20:26I admit, I went along with what he said,
20:28but that's the trouble with me.
20:29I always go along with what other people say.
20:31No, you don't.
20:32No, that's true, I don't.
20:33Except for sometimes.
20:34Yeah, except for sometimes.
20:36Oh, here is.
20:37He can't wait to leave the money lying around uncounted.
20:41Evening.
20:42Evening.
20:43Ah, hello, darling.
20:44Yes.
20:45Well, how was business tonight?
20:46Oh, OK.
20:47He hasn't turned up yet, though.
20:49Who?
20:50Albert.
20:51Albert?
20:52Oh, oh, him.
20:54Ah, yes, yes.
20:55I've thought of little else all day.
20:58How much did we take tonight?
20:59Oh, a bit up on last night.
21:01Not much, though.
21:05Hello, Robin's Nest.
21:07Yes.
21:08You have?
21:10Oh, that's fantastic.
21:11How?
21:13Oh, we have our methods, miss.
21:16Wouldn't do to reveal them to the general public.
21:18You can bring him up now, Bert.
21:21Starsky enough to don't know it all,
21:23even if they have got backs like velvet.
21:26Well, I think you've done a grand job, Constable,
21:29and I think you deserve a promotion.
21:30I'm Detective Sergeant, sir.
21:32Well, that was quick.
21:34And thoroughly, sir.
21:36Are there two peas in trip, sir?
21:38Yes, yes.
21:39We were frightened he might do something foolish.
21:41He drank two cups of our canteen coffee.
21:43That's not what he was.
21:45Same address as the restaurant, is it, sir?
21:47Yes, yes.
21:48Good.
21:49Now, exactly how much money did he steal?
21:52None.
21:53None.
21:54None?
21:56None.
21:57Ah.
21:58We thought he had, and then we found it.
22:01I see.
22:02This was after you spoke to me?
22:05No, before.
22:07Then why did you ask me to arrest him?
22:10I didn't ask you to arrest him.
22:12But I have.
22:15I know.
22:16Why?
22:20That's what I'm asking you, sir.
22:22Now, now, look here, Constable.
22:24The man did not steal any money at all.
22:26The confusion arose because this man simply wouldn't believe his story.
22:30Of course.
22:31Ah, good evening, Albert.
22:32Evening, Mr. Nicholls.
22:33Sir, miss.
22:34Then why did you come in here, if not to give yourself up?
22:37I came to apply for the job of washer-upper in the police canteen.
22:42Take him away.
22:43We do a push.
22:44Yes, take him away, sir.
22:46Please, take him away.
22:50Bert, could you scratch under that left shoulder blade?
22:55Not to.
22:59Well, all I can say, Riddle, is that, well, I'm sorry.
23:03I have to admit that at the time I was slightly precipitate.
23:07Ah, that's all right, sir.
23:08A few of these and I'd be the same-y self.
23:12You are coming back, aren't you, Albert?
23:14We really missed you.
23:15It is true.
23:16You know, I really miss the sound of a plate smashing.
23:19Ah, well, all right.
23:21But you do understand that I'd never steal money from the till.
23:25Right.
23:25I mean, that'd be dishonest.
23:27And I'd never do nothing dishonest.
23:29Absolutely.
23:29Of course.
23:30I admit, I have had the odd swig of wine from the bottles.
23:37You what?
23:39Ah, but I always top them up from the cold tap so that nobody loves me.
23:45You...
23:46That's it.
23:48Riddle, you're fired.
23:56That's it.
24:07That's it.
24:11That's it.
24:13That's it.
24:15That's it.
24:18That's it.
24:20That's it.
24:21That's it.
24:22That's it.
24:22That's it.
24:23That's it.
24:24That's it.
24:24That's it.
24:24That's it.
24:24That's it.
24:25That's it.
24:27We will, we will, we will.
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